Preaching Materials for October 11, 2009

R U M O R S #570
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-10-04

October 4, 2009

THE MAMMON MONKEY

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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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IMPORTANT: I’ve changed my e-mail address. In the game with the spammers, the score is Ralph 0, Spammers 798760. The change will only slow them up, not stop them, but it does mean that my excellent spam filter, Cloudmark, will work better. So my new address is:
ralphmilton at shaw.ca
Please change the “at” to the “at” sign. And please make sure it is changed in any place where you might have it written down. Thanks.

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The Story – isn’t that enough?
Rumors – a blessing
Soft Edges – the joy of teaching
Bloopers – St. James virgin
We Get Letters – blind lemmings
Mirabile Dictu! – sons of thunder
Bottom of the Barrel – the art of levitation
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre –
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – This from Dave Waters. It’s been in Rumors before, but because every clergy person I know has felt like this from time to time, I thought it could use another airing.

One Sunday morning, the mother was pounding on the bedroom door. “It’s time to get up and go to church,” she called.
“I’m not going!” came the voice from inside.
“Why not?” demanded the mother.
“I don’t like them and they don’t like me,” came the voice through the door.
“But you have to go!” said the mother.
“Why?” came the plaintive voice.
“Because,” said the mother. “You are 59 years old and you are the pastor!”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday,

The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary)
Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, October 4, which is Proper 23 [28].

* Job 23:1-9, 16-17 or Amos 5:6-7, 10-15
* Psalm 22:1-15 or Psalm 90:12-17
* Hebrews 4:12-16
* Mark 10:17-31

The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Mark 10:17-31
Jim says –
Let’s face it – Jesus exaggerated wildly. It was his style. I cannot, at the moment, think of contemporary examples of people who exaggerate as much – not even Bill Cosby or Garrison Keillor.
Almost everyone will recognize the image of a camel squeezing through the eye of a needle as a deliberate exaggeration (that is, everyone except a young girl in my congregation who assured me that it merely required a very large blender!) but then we will insist on taking verse 30, about a hundredfold return, literally. Perhaps it too is an exaggeration, for effect.
But I think the main problem is our preconception of what’s possible. If God told me to run a four-minute mile, I’d laugh. Just as Sarah laughed when told she and Abraham would have a child, at her advanced age. But are they really impossible? Or merely beyond our imaginations?
Jesus exaggerated his images until people laughed. And then he told them that the problem was the poverty of their imagination.
I think Jesus is telling us to quit defeating ourselves before we start. If we believe we can’t do something, we can’t. Instead of wasting our time fussing about camels and wealth, let’s focus on removing the self-imposed obstacles that prevent us from fulfilling God’s intentions for the world.

Ralph says –
I’d like nothing more than to go with Job but it’s the story I want to hear, not these interminable discourses. Besides, the last passage in the Job sequence is on October 25th so maybe that’s the occasion to give Job his day.
I also realize that part of my reason for wanting to go with Job is because I’m running scared of the Mark passage.
That’s because I identify all down the line with the rich man who comes running up to Jesus. I’ve been a good boy all my life. I’ve never killed anyone, I’ve never cheated on Bev, I’ve never stolen more than a ball point pen, and I was good to my mom and dad. Bev and I have tithed for all of our 51 years together. Surely that should be enough.
Then Jesus tells the rich man to sell everything and give to the poor. But the rich young man can’t do that and neither can I. Jesus sets the bar higher than I can manage. Like the disciples, I ask, “Who then can be saved?”
And Jesus thumps them and me right on to our backsides and tells us, “For mortals it is impossible, but not for God; for God all things are possible (v27).”
In other words, we’re tossed back into the arms of grace.

Job 23:1-9, 16-17 – Poor Job just wants his day in court. He wants to say it straight to God’s face. “I am not being treated fairly.” And I have to confess that every time I’ve looked at the book of Job my sympathies are with the poor man and feeling that the god figure in the story is, at the very least, unfair.

Psalm 22:1-18 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 Alone – I'm all alone.
There is no God; there are no friends; I'm all alone.
2 I call all day, but no one calls me back;
I cry all night, but no one comforts me.
3 Could any God create this rotten world?
Could any God watch this happen, and call it good?
4 Our ancestors were deluded.
They trusted God; they thought that God changed the course of history for them–
5 They actually believed it!
6 With scientific detachment, I know that I am nothing;
Nothing I do makes any difference;
7 Universes and social systems roll inexorably onward;
They mock my pitiful efforts;
8 They laugh at my lofty ideals.
9 Yet still I talk to you, as if you were real.
I argue with you, as if you had a mind to change.
From the moment of my conception, I have conceived your will surrounding me like the waters of my mother's womb.
10 You are my umbilical cord, my source of life.
12 The ways of the world seduce me;
with honeyed visions they draw me downwards.
13 I would run in fear from a raging lion,
but I cannot resist the lure of luxury.
14 I would brace myself, but my bones have turned to water;
I would stand tall, but I become a puddle,
15 a fleck of fluff, blown about by every wayward breeze.
16 When the sun comes out, I will dry up;
When the wind roars, I will vanish into the night;
I will not exist any more.
17 I am nothing.
18 Nothing that I have done, and nothing I have achieved, will outlive me.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

Hebrews 4:12-16 – This passage, read in the light of the Mark passage, does offer us some hope. The metaphor of approaching the throne of grace with knees and lower lips trembling doesn’t turn my crank, but it works for some people so let’s keep it.

Psalm 22:1-18 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 Alone–I'm all alone.
There is no God; there are no friends; I'm all alone.
2 I call all day, but no one calls me back;
I cry all night, but no one comforts me.
3 Could any God create this rotten world?
Could any God watch this happen, and call it good?
4 Our ancestors were deluded.
They trusted God; they thought that God changed the course of history for them–
5 They actually believed it!
6 With scientific detachment, I know that I am nothing;
Nothing I do makes any difference;
7 Universes and social systems roll inexorably onward;
They mock my pitiful efforts;
8 They laugh at my lofty ideals.
9 Yet still I talk to you, as if you were real.
I argue with you, as if you had a mind to change.
From the moment of my conception, I have conceived your will surrounding me like the waters of my mother's womb.
10 You are my umbilical cord, my source of life.
12 The ways of the world seduce me;
with honeyed visions they draw me downwards.
13 I would run in fear from a raging lion,
but I cannot resist the lure of luxury.
14 I would brace myself, but my bones have turned to water;
I would stand tall, but I become a puddle,
15 a fleck of fluff, blown about by every wayward breeze.
16 When the sun comes out, I will dry up;
When the wind roars, I will vanish into the night;
I will not exist any more.
17 I am nothing.
18 Nothing that I have done, and nothing I have achieved, will outlive me.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

There is a delightful (if I have to say so myself) paraphrase for children of Psalm 22 in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 210. That’s followed by a children’s version of the Mark lection – “A Rich Man’s Problem” – on page 212.
If you don’t already have this essential worship and educational resource, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775. Imagine your delight when, after only one poke at the numbers on your phone, a real, unrecorded human being answers.

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Rumors – I remember how I almost choked on my tunafish sandwich.
It was a phone call from a layperson in one of the churches not far from here. He wanted me to come and speak to their couples club. Which wasn’t all that unusual. It was the topic.
“It seems to us we are all doing pretty well,” he said. “Even though there’s supposed to be a recession going on, none of us has taken a hit we can’t easily absorb. None of us lack for anything we need – not even for anything we want. In our Bible study, we came across that phrase, “blessed are the poor.” And then at church last Sunday, they read the scripture about the rich young man.
“That knocked us back on our heels. None of us is poor. The Bible quite clearly says, ‘Blessed are the poor.’ Then what about us?”
No, their minister hadn’t talked them into phoning me. Their minister wasn’t even present when they had this discussion. But they had articulated the question for all the middle class folks that populate our pews. They had articulated the question for me.
I sat down and worked out my options. I could go in there and beat them over the head with “sell all you have and give to the poor.” Or we could all go on a nice little guilt trip together. But nothing would change.
I talked it over with Bev. We realized that the time had come to share our own personal experience, and then let them take out of that what worked for them.
When we were married, some 51 years ago, we decided to tithe. 10% off the top before deductions. And we have, ever since, even during the early years of Wood Lake Books when Bev was ill and couldn’t work. We lived well below the poverty line. It was then that we realized that tithing in this way was a special gift.
It became for us an act of worship. At the beginning of every month, the first thing we did was give away 10%. Before anything else. It became an act of defiance against Mammon who can infect your life very easily when you are struggling financially. We defy the power that money has over us by giving the first part to God. And somehow, that loosens up the rest of the budget and makes it much easier to live with a sense of God’s participation in the decisions around money. Whether we have too little money, or too much.
What a gift it was. Give the “first fruits” to God and get that Mammon monkey off your back. Tithing topples Mammon from his lofty pedestal of social secrecy where certain things cannot be questioned.
“You dare not ask me how much I make or how I spend it and especially never ask how much money I give to God.”
But why not? Why is money, among all God’s gifts, in a special category? These money matters are a very clear indication of our spiritual health. Should not the pastor know how much we give?
The Bible doesn’t give money that kind of status. It offers a powerful, practical psychology. Practical theology. Tithe and be free!
So that’s what I talked about to that group of well-heeled couples. The questions and comments after my short talk showed they had been really listening. Yes, some of them were a bit ticked because they thought I was simply asking for more money for the church.
But some of them heard. I wonder if they tried to live it.
For Bev and me it was a gift. It put words around a blessing we have known all these years.

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
The Joy of Teaching
Next Monday, October 5, will be World Teachers’ Day.
The United Nations launched the first World Teachers’ Day October 5, 1994. It has been largely ignored on the same date every year since then.
And that’s tragic. Because if our worldwide civilizations are ever going to drag themselves out of the slough of ignorance, prejudice, and bigotry they’re mired in, it will only be through education.
The most stupid thing the Campbell government in B.C. has done, in my opinion, was to pinch pennies on education funding. A school, remarked author Lon Watters, “is a building that has four walls, with tomorrow inside.”
Or as business consultant Andy McIntyre put it, “If you think education is expensive, try ignorance!”
(Confession: I filched several of these quotations from Education International, a federation representing some 30 million teachers in 172 countries and territories.)
In the explosion of knowledge that has come in the last century, we are increasingly dependent on teachers. Few parents can adequately prepare their children for the modern world. The best that we parents, and grandparents, can do is to foster an attitude towards this mushroom cloud of information. But teaching how to make sense of that cloud, how to sift relevant information from irrelevant, requires professional skills.
Author John Holt – ironically, a proponent of home schooling – commented, “Since we can't know what knowledge will be most needed in the future, it is senseless to try to teach it in advance. Instead, we should try to turn out people who love learning so much that they will be able to learn whatever needs to be learned.”
Good teachers instill that love of learning. Bad teachers destroy it. I’m astonished how many people tell me they can’t sing, because their Grade One teacher told them to stand at the back and just move their mouths.
They also learn not to raise their hands, not to volunteer, for fear of ridicule – either from the teacher directly, or indirectly from classmates.
Sir Edward Bulwer-Lytton has been often ridiculed himself for opening a novel with the cliché, “It was a dark and stormy night...” But he suggests wisely, “The best teacher is the one who inspires a listener to teach himself.”
Bad teachers tend to value order and discipline, believing themselves to be in control. Mark Twain famously described a classroom as “trying to hold 35 corks under water at the same time."
Good teachers, on the other hand, seem to revel in the chaos that often accompanies spontaneous discovery.
I know I’m coming close to treading on a landmine here, but our current pre-occupation with healthcare strikes me as a lesser concern. As American educator Ernest Leroy Boyer noted, “A poor surgeon hurts one person at a time. A poor teacher hurts thirty.”
One final quotation, this one from Alvin Toffler, author of Future Shock, The Third Wave, and Powershift: “The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.”

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – From Harold Bolston in South Africa. In the congregational newsletter was a note that on their 50th anniversary, the couple “was given a beautiful guilt-edged Bible.”

This one’s on me. While doing up graphic slides to be projected with the words for hymns for next Sunday, I was doing “Though ancient walls can still stand strong,” only I typed “Tough ancient walls can still stand strong.” Which, of course, is very true.

From the file:
* A prayer: Open the windows of our minds to the meaning of your good massage.
* A reading from Paul’s letter to the Coliseum.
* A reading from the St. James Virgin of the Bible.

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – Never put a period where God has put a comma.
Gracie Allen via Ruth Shaver
The God we serve is a living, large, demanding God that does not ask us to make small, trivial sacrifices. Therefore, discipleship is a journey up a wild and windy mountain where we throw ourselves upon the mercy of God and go forth.
William Willimon via Ivy Thomas

Whether God's a Catholic, a Baptist, a Jew, a Muslin, or a quantum mechanic, God gives us compensation for our pain, compensation right here in this world. Always compensation for the pain...if we realize it when we see it.
Dean Kootz via Mary in Oman

Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.
Raymond Lindquist via John Clinton

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We Get Letters – Sharyl Peterson of Grand Junction, Colorado writes: “The story about the choir and their series of disasters reminds me of a story I was told when I first arrived at the church I serve (eight years ago).
It seems that the previous Christmas Eve, as is our custom, they had had several Christmas Eve services, for which the choir sang.
The very last service (a “midnight” service held at 10:00 PM), they were all pretty tired. As the organist played “Silent Night,” and everyone in the pews held their lit candles high, the choir blew their own candles out, prior to exiting the choir loft (down a set of four stairs).
The first person down apparently tripped on the next-to-bottom step, the person behind her ran into her, and fell down, and so on, “like a bunch of blind lemmings” (as one of the survivors put it).
Apparently the pastor had the sense to pronounce the Benediction and move the convulsed congregation on to the Fellowship Hall while they scraped up choir member detritus off the steps and chancel.”

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Sons of Thunder!”) This from Evelyn McLachlan.
Top 10 Mom Scoldings in the Bible
* Sampson, get your hands off of that lion, you don't know where it's been!
* David, I told you not to play in the house with that string! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons.
* Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!
* Shadrach, Meschach and Abendeco! I told you, never play with fire!
* Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
* Noah, no you can' t help them. Don't bring home any strays.
* Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at my clothes.
* James and John! No more burping at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you sons of thunder.
* Judas! Have you been in my purse again?
* Jesus! Close the door! You think you were born in a barn.

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Bottom of the Barrel – Evelyn McLachlan has never been much good at distinguishing between high and low humor. Can you imagine anyone sending this to Rumors?

Two swamis were in conversation. One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?"
His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."

I sent it back to Evelyn and told her I just would never publish anything like that in this august journal, especially since it is now October.

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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Mark 10:17-31

Reader 1: Whose side are you on in this reading?
Reader 2: What do you mean?
1: Well, there’s the young guy who comes up to Jesus and asks a really legitimate question. Jesus gives him an impossible answer. So whose side are you on? Jesus or the poor guy who wanders off feeling like a squashed grape?
2: That’s not the point of the story.
1: OK. Then what is?
2: Most of these stories about Jesus are told to make a point. The rich young man asks how he can be sure God gives him everything. Eternal life. And Jesus tells him it will cost him everything. But that’s not the point of the story.
1: Then what is?
2: That you can’t buy God’s love. There’s no amount of money you can give, and nothing you can do to earn it. Because it’s free.
1: Are you sure?
2: Well let’s read the story. It’s from the 10th chapter of Mark.
SLIGHT PAUSE
2: As Jesus was setting out on a journey, a man ran up and knelt before him.
1:"Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?"2: "Why do you call me good? No one is good but God alone. You know the commandments: 'You shall not murder; You shall not commit adultery; You shall not steal; You shall not bear false witness; You shall not defraud; Honor your father and mother.'"1: "Teacher, I have kept all these since my youth."2: I love you, because you really do try hard to live by God’s will. However, you lack one thing; go, sell what you own, and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me."1: When the young man heard this, he was shocked and went away grieving, for he had many possessions. Then Jesus looked around and spoke to his disciples.
2: "How hard it will be for those who have wealth to enter the kingdom of God!"1: The disciples were perplexed at these words. But Jesus spoke to them again.
2: "Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God."1: The disciples were greatly astounded and said to one another, "Then who can be saved?"2: "For mortals it is impossible, but not for God; for God all things are possible."1: Then Peter spoke to Jesus. "Look, we have left everything and followed you."2: "Truly I tell you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields, for my sake and for the sake of the good news, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this age – houses, brothers and sisters, mothers and children, and fields with persecutions – and in the age to come eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last will be first."

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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the ciricle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*