Friday, November 28, 2008

Preaching Materials for December 7th, 2008

R U M O R S # 530
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-11-30

November 30, 2008

A DEEP, VISCERAL YEARNING
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

During this time in a slip-sliding economy we offer the only really, really real bargain in Christmas gifts. It’s a gift that will annoy people all year long, not just for a few minutes at Christmas.
Give a subscription to Rumors for Christmas. It won’t cost any money. Zip. All you will lose is your dignity, integrity and self-respect but you probably didn’t have much of that to start with anyway, so you might as well clear it all away and start with a clean (?) slate.
Then your prayer might be like the child who said, “And forgive us our Christmases as we forgive those who Christmas against us.”
Serious note: Don’t spring Rumors on people unannounced. They’ll probably think it’s spam, or worse, their spam filter will think it’s spam. So they need to add Rumors to their “approved” list.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The Story – a wonderfully weird prophet
Rumors – God has not lost patience
Soft Edges – conflicting stories
Bloopers – Draft Dinner
We Get Letters – why not?
Mirabile Dictu! – questions to bring enlightenment
Bottom of the Barrel – talking to a wall
Reader’s Theatre – John 1:6-18 and Luke 3:3-16
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rib Tickler – The teacher was reading the story of Jesus’ birth to her daycare children one morning. As usual, she stopped to see if they understood.
“What do we call the three wise men?” she asked.
“The three maggots,” replied a bright 5-year-old.
“What gift did the Magi bring baby Jesus?” she corrected.
“Gold, Frankensteins and Smurfs!” the same 5-year-old replied.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, December 7th, which is the second Sunday of Advent.

If you are using the Revised Common Lectionary:
Isaiah 40:1-11
II Peter 3:8-15a
Mark 1:1-8

Psalm 85:1-2, 8-13 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Howard Zurbrigg got AIDS from a blood transfusion for hepatitis while serving the Canadian Bible Society.
1 Pious voices utter platitudes: "Trust in the Lord. It's God's will. God knows best."
2 People say with certainty: "The Lord gives, and the Lord taketh away."
"With faith, all things are possible."
8 "Silence!" I want to cry.
"Take your frozen formulas and leave me alone!
Let me listen for what God has to say.
9 For God will not let a broken heart bleed by itself in the night.
10 When wounds cut to the bone, only God can sew together the torn edges of a shattered life.
Only God can soothe such throbbing pain."
11 Surely goodness and mercy will grow again, and sunshine return to the sky.
12 Sorrow is holy ground;
walk on it only with feet bared to the pain of every pebble.
13 Through the darkness, the Lord comes walking on the salt sea of tears.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

An alternate reading:
Our suggestion for the second Sunday of Advent is John 1:6-18 and Luke 3:3-16. You will find these readings below arranged for Reader’s Theatre.
Some of you have asked to know the rest of the Advent readings in advance. We should have thought of that, and it’s a bit late now. But here they are anyway.
Advent 3: Luke 1:26-56
Advent 4: John 1:1-5, Luke 2:1-19.

Jim says:
Because I’ve spent my adult life constructing and de-constructing prose, I’ve developed an acute sensitivity to spin doctors massaging a text for their own purposes. And I can’t help feeling that John the Baptist has become a victim of Jesus’ spin doctors.
All four gospels make the point that John was not the promised Messiah. In various ways, they quote John himself to disabuse people of that notion. Why bother?
I suspect it was because John originally had more followers than Jesus did. After all, when Paul got to Ephesus (Acts 19) he found that John’s missionaries had already been there. The new Christian church didn’t want just to convert Jews; it wanted to gather in Jews who had already converted to John’s banner. The Mandeans, a sect in Iraq, still claim to be followers of John the Baptist.
John’s doctrine of “baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins” must have been startling news. It’s like erasing your karma, removing viruses from your computer, curing athlete’s foot, shedding an unwanted 40 pounds... Several authoritative sources assure me it was unprecedented. Although John sounds like an angry finger-pointer, the crowds suggest they welcomed his message.
And perhaps Jesus’ own message could not have fallen on fertile ground without John loosening the soil.
To dramatize the relief of forgiveness, I would preach the first half of my sermon wearing a loaded backpack. I’d let people see how it burdens my movement. At the right time, I’d slip the pack off – and let them see the difference in my posture and action.
Once relieved of the burden of guilt, new life is possible.

Ralph says:
I’ve always like that man – the one we call John the Baptist or John the Baptizer. He was wildly eccentric and possibly a little nuts. There is a very thin, fuzzy line between passionate genius and insanity. People like John work from a very different view of the world – a very different reality than those of us who are burdened with too much sanity and common sense.
Every cause has its extremists. These are the ones who are so far out in left field that when another, less virulent prophet comes by, he or she seems sensible by comparison. Martin Luther King Jr. had Malcom X.
Jesus had John. I can hear the folks standing on the banks of the Jordan River saying, “That John is a nut-case. He’ll get us all into trouble. Come listen to Jesus. He at least makes sense.”
And John of course did get himself into trouble. He preached about the immorality of King Herod – not a sensible thing to do. It got him jailed and beheaded.
So John is a necessary part of the story. He puts words to the deep visceral yearning of the people of the first century and all of us in the 21st century – for another way of being. A better way of living. A higher sense of justice.

For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A & B” for a number of Advent stories based on the readings for this season.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
If you order these from the web, you get a 20% discount! How about that!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rumors – I always get sentimental and blubbery as Christmas comes closer. I am a romantic. A dreamer.
Our choir is rehearsing for the annual Cantata, and I’m loving every minute of it. The words in the various numbers we sing are not the most inspiring. Some are trite and full of clichés. Those who write words for anthems generally are not noted for their poetic excellence.
Another church in our town always does a traditional service of carols and lessons and I drag Bev to it every year. I want to sing those old carols and hear those stories from the Bible – I want to hear them read even though I know them almost by heart.
It’s not old age. Well, it’s not all old age. I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember. In my teenage years and early twenties, I went to hear that service of carols and lessons even though I considered myself an atheist.
And it’s not that I think of those Christmas stories as history. Whether they are or not really doesn’t matter to me. Whether or not those events happened in a real time and place – they did happen in dreams and longings of real people. They are what some sociologists might call a “foundational myth.”
Every morning Bev goes and gets the daily newspaper while I make the porridge. Then she reads the paper and feeds me snippets from the various stories. And of course, it is mostly bad news.
“No news is good news,” is the old saying, but you could almost turn that around and say, “good news is no news.” Most of the people of the world go about their lives day by day. They may be lives of hope and joy, or lives of quiet desperation, but they don’t make the news.
Most nations get along with other nations without too much “angst.” It’s only when they go to war that Bev reads about them in the morning paper. We don’t hear about Mumbai, India until there is a tragic terrorist attack.
The vast majority of articles have as their basic text, “something is wrong.” I don’t blame the newspapers for that. It’s also true of family gossip. When everyone is well and getting along there’s nothing much to talk about.
But it gets me down. Day after day, week after week we hear the news that there is conflict all around us. Parents and children, neighbors across the street, nations and other nations. Conflict and struggle. That’s about such a tiny percentage of the planet. The vast, vast majority are getting along quietly.
I am an optimist by nature, and there is something in me that desperately wants to defend that optimism. Maybe that’s why I want to hear that powerful Christian mythology – the stories I grew up with – the basis of my faith that there is a God of hope and love who has not lost patience with the world – a God who sends the Messiah to show us a better way.
A Messiah who has come, is coming, and will come again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Conflicting Stories
Another year has almost finished. This Sunday, the Christian season of Advent starts again, the four weeks leading up to another Christmas. Already, tinsel and decorations festoon houses and stores.
Christmas was originally about the coming of a long-awaited Messiah. But I suspect that for many more people today, it’s about the coming of Santa Claus.
Although we tend to think of Santa as having been around forever, he hasn’t. There were hints of him in the Dutch St. Nicholas, slurred in dialect to “Sint ‘klas,” who gave gifts to good children, but left lumps of coal for bad ones. He in turn may derive from a Turkish bishop, the original St. Nicholas, who travelled around his diocese scattering coins.
But the Santa Claus we know best got started with Clement Moore in 1823, in his poem “’Twas the night before Christmas...”
Then Coca Cola borrowed the image of a “jolly old elf... with a belly that shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly...” and marketed it.
And presto, more legends attached themselves to Santa than toys in his sack. He has the world’s only airborne sleigh. His lead reindeer has a glow-in-the-dark nose. Santa has elves who make toys. He lives in a house on the ice at the North Pole...
Which presents a problem. Because if Santa’s house is on the ice, he’s soon going to need life-jackets.
Orbiting satellites show 40 per cent more open water in the Arctic than scientists had expected. And the remaining sea ice is 40 per cent thinner than it was.
By 2050, scientists say, the North Pole will be open water. Already, it has patches of open water in summer.
Suddenly, two knowledge systems come into conflict.
On one side is the world of myth and legend, which claims that Santa lives at the North Pole.
On the other is the world of common knowledge, which offers empirical evidence of open water at the North Pole.
Will we amend our stories to match reality, I wonder? Will we tell our grandchildren that Santa lives on a ship, a kind of Noah’s Ark filled with reindeer and elves?
Or will we continue to propound two conflicting stories, one of which becomes suspect?
When our son was 14, he told us he didn’t think he could go through with Confirmation. “I can’t state that I believe the stuff in the Bible, about God making the earth in seven days,” he explained, “when I know from school that it’s been around for about 500 million years.”
Remember, this is a 14-year-old adolescent speaking, not me!
He was struggling with a conflict of two knowledge systems – one based on legend, the other on science.
This conflict has been growing for several centuries, as we’ve learned more about ourselves, our world, and our solar system. It leads some people to reject religion, and others to reject science.
What we do with Santa will reflect what we do – or don’t do – with other traditional understandings.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Velia Watts of Edmonton, Alberta says this was a sign in a church somewhere. “For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor.”

Sandra Cable saw an announcement in the bulletin about the food bank and Kraft Dinner. Except that it was listed as “Draft Dinner.”

From the file:
The bulletin announced a “causal choir to sing for Christmas.”

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Wish I’d Said That! – We are guided on this journey by a Power greater than ourselves, but the steps we take must be our own.
From “Courage to Change,” via Candi Vernon

Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.
Mohandas Gandhi via Velia Watts

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
Douglas Adams via Velia Watts

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

We Get Letters – Don Doerfer responds to the blooper about “loins” rather than “lions”. “This grumpy o'l grandpa gives thanks daily for 'the fruit of his loins' as his son trips across the drive every evening to 'tuck the ol' man in for the night.'”

Candi Vernon of Montgomery, Alabama, noted the story last week about the philosophy professor who gave a test in which there was only one question. “Why?”
The one student who got an “A” responded with, “Because.”
Carol writes: “My professor told us the same story except he said the answer "Why not?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “ham disease!”)
Sharyl Peterson of Grand Junction, Colorado is obviously a deep thinker and a phine filosopher. She would be a wealthy woman if philosophers (or theologians) got paid a bit more than grave diggers.
Having spent quality time analyzing her existential angst, Sharyl offers these questions for your pondering – so that you too may reach enlightenment.
* Can you cry under water?
* How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
* Why do you have to 'put your two cents in,’ but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'?
* Where's that extra penny going to?
* Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
* Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
* What disease did cured ham actually have?
* How is it that we put a person on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
* Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
* Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
* Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
* Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
* If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
* Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
* If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
* If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
* Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
* Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Bottom of the Barrel – This from Marie Zettler. As you have probably guessed, I don’t keep records of what I have run here in Rumors, so there may be the occasional re-runs. I know I’ve heard the gag below, but I can’t tell whether it was told to me by one of my weird friends or whether it has occupied this space before.

A journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. And there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
“Pardon me, sir,” she said. “I’m Rebecca Smith. I’m a journalist. How long have you been coming to the Western Wall to pray?”
“For about 60 years.”
“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow humans.”
“How does it feel after doing this for 60 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a wall.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Reader’s Theatre
An alternate reading for the second Sunday in Advent, based on John 1:6-18 and Luke 3:3-16 arranged as Reader’s Theatre.
Please remember that for Reader’s Theatre to succeed, the readers must rehearse together and work hard to make the presentation fluid and dramatic. Not melodramatic but strong.

Reader one: The Bible tells us a story of a man named John – an eccentric, strange man who wore animal skins for clothes and feasted on insects. His eyes had that penetrating glare that seemed to show a mind on the edge of madness.
And John had a fire in his belly. This is how the gospel of John tells the story.

Reader two: There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. He came as a witness to testify to the light, so that all might believe through him. He himself was not the light, but he came to testify to the light.

Reader one: The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world. He was in the world, and the world came into being through him; yet the world did not know him.
He came to what was his own, and his own people did not accept him. But to all who received him, who believed in his name, he gave power to become children of God, who were born, not of blood or of the will of the flesh or of human will, but of God.
And the Word became flesh and lived among us, and we have seen his glory, the glory as of a father's only son, full of grace and truth.

Reader two: John testified to him and cried out:

Reader one: This was he of whom I said, 'He who comes after me ranks ahead of me because he was before me.' From his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.

Reader two: Then, the gospel of Luke picks up the story.

Reader one: John went into all the region around the Jordan, proclaiming a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins, as it is written in the book of the words of the prophet Isaiah:

Reader two: The voice of one crying out in the wilderness: 'Prepare the way of the Lord, make his paths straight. Every valley shall be filled, and every mountain and hill shall be made low, and the crooked shall be made straight, and the rough ways made smooth; and all flesh shall see the salvation of God.'

Reader one: John spoke to the crowds that came out to be baptized by him:

Reader two: You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Bear fruits worthy of repentance. Do not begin to say to yourselves, 'We have Abraham as our ancestor'; for I tell you, God is able from these stones to raise up children to Abraham.
Even now the ax is lying at the root of the trees; every tree therefore that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.

Reader one: What then should we do?

Rader two: Whoever has two coats must share with anyone who has none; and whoever has food must do likewise.

Reader one: Even tax collectors came to be baptized, and they asked him, Teacher, what should we do?

Reader two: Collect no more than the amount prescribed for you.

Reader one: Soldiers also asked him, "And we, what should we do?

Reader two: Do not extort money from anyone by threats or false accusation, and be satisfied with your wages.

Reader one: The people were filled with expectation, and all were questioning in their hearts concerning John, whether he might be the Messiah.

Reader two: I baptize you with water; but one who is more powerful than I is coming. I am not worthy to untie the thong of his sandals.
He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire.

Reader one: And that is the story the Bible tells us, of the strange prophet whom we now call John the Baptist, who put into words the yearning of his people. John gave voice to their longing – their deep and aching hope. God would intervene. God would send the Messiah, the Chosen one to lead the people from despair to hope – from depression and slavery into joy and freedom.
Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Friday, November 21, 2008

Preaching Materials for November 30th, 2008

R U M O R S # 529
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-11-23

November 23, 2008

THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Do your Christmas shop-lifting early. Check out the deals on “The Spirituality of Grandparenting” and “The Lectionary Story Bible.” See below.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

About those Advent readings – an alternate lectionary
The Story – an aching, yearning God
Rumors – are their pews padded?
Soft Edges – marching in step
Good Stuff – clean your windows
Bloopers – a world of lost winners
We Get Letters – to keep beer from freezing
Mirabile Dictu! – caskets found
Bottom of the Barrel – to hell on your buts
Readers’ Theatre – for unto us a child is born
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rib Tickler – Max and Madge were walking down the street. It was a beautiful winter evening, and all the shopping centers and stores were festooned with light.
As Madge and Max came upon a church with a small, dimly lit crèche on its tiny lawn.
“Look at that!” says Max to Madge indignantly. “Now even the churches are trying to horn-in on Christmas.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

About those Advent readings – the unsuccessful attempt Jim and I made to devise an alternate, story-based lectionary began with a discussion about those apocalyptic passages in Advent. It seemed to us that they were irrelevant to today’s church, and misleading.
Irrelevant in that the mainline church is no longer talking about “end times” or the “second coming.” Misleading in that they give the impression the church is concerned with esoteric issues disconnected from everyday life. In the church we call it the Season o Advent, but everyone else calls it the Christmas season. If people do not hear the Christmas narrative in the season when Christmas is on their minds, they will gradually come to the conclusion that Christmas is no longer a Christian festival.
Or at least, that’s how I’ve come to see it after all these years of working with the Revised Common Lectionary. I know many will disagree, and that is as it should be.
Jim and I are simply offering an alternative – a different set of readings for Advent. One reading for each Sunday. As with a number of readings in the Revised Common Lectionary, the same four readings would happen every advent.
There will be a “Readers’ Theatre” version of the lections at the end of all four of the Advent Rumors beginning with this issue.

Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, if you are following the Revised Common Lectionary.
Isaiah 64:1-9
1 Corinthians 1:3-9
Mark 13:24-37

Ps. 80:1-7, 17-19 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
We prepare in hope
I've never been poor and homeless at Christmas. The ostentatious flaunting of wealth and family must be very painful for those who have neither.
1 Can't you hear us knocking on your door?
You stand inside, laughing in the firelight with your family;
You toy with your tinsel and your ornaments.
Can't you hear us?
2 We are the lost and the lonely, out in the cold.
3 We long for something to celebrate too.
4 How long can you ignore us?
How long can you close your eyes and ears to our situation?
5 Hunger gnaws on our bones;
we sip the salt of our tears.
6 We are an embarrassment. People turn away from us.
People laugh and joke; they don't even see us there.
We are invisible.
7 Let us live too.
17 We have nothing with which to thank you.
But God will reward you in ways you cannot imagine.
Through us, God will heal your blindness;
You will touch a world you have never imagined.
18 You will not want to go back to your old ways.
Respond to our pleas, and see for yourself.
19 Let us live too. Please, let us live.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

The Alternate Advent Lectionary reading for next Sunday is: Isaiah 2:3b-4, 7:14, 9:6-7, 40:1-10, 11. We recommend only this one reading, which you can find in a Readers’ Theatre format at the end of this issue.

You can almost feel the ache in these passages from Isaiah.
He’s been watching the TV news and reading the newspapers, and he feels in his gut the daily litany of pain across the world. AIDS and starvation and war in Africa, sweatshops in Asia, global warming, the financial melt-down – these are not far-away “issues” to be discussed rationally and quietly. This is sin. This is evil. And it is to be raved at. Yelled at. Screamed at.
There must be a better way to live in a world community. The Isaiah in our souls cries out – not for better systems or better controls or better policies. Those will all be necessary, but first there needs to be a different way of thinking. A new way of being.
Is it possible? No and yes. Yes and no. For the answer to be “yes,” we must dream with Isaiah the dream of the season. The dream of a mother with child. The dream of the kind of love that flows between a mother and her child – a kind of love that is fulfilled when receiving and giving become one – the kind of living, breathing love God longs to have with us.
Isaiah’s aching poem puts words around a deep and visceral pain we all have – a longing and a hope that we only know – we only experience – when our pregnant souls swell with the graceful love of a God who shows us strength and power and goodness in the shape of an utterly helpless newborn baby.
Ralph Milton

The RCL calls for two apocalyptic readings today: Isaiah 64:1-9 and Mark 13:24-31. They’re a good reason why Ralph has selected other verses from Isaiah to focus on.
I simply don’t understand why a lectionary – any lectionary – would want to portray an angry and vengeful God during Advent. Perhaps I’m just getting old and curmudgeonly, but I no longer consider it worth expending energy to explain and defend biblical passages that offend me.
But the second half of the Mark reading (verses 32-37) offer a valuable antidote. When I go out, my dog doesn’t know when “her master” will come home. So she lies by the door and waits. Many of the biblical images of waiting are linked to fear – the unexpected thief in the night, the groom who censures the foolish bridesmaids, etc. My dog doesn’t wait in fear, but in joyous expectation. Soon, things will be set right again. Soon, the family will be whole. Soon...
Let’s set aside notions of a messianic figure coming to judge the quick and the dead. Instead, let’s offer images of grandchildren arriving, of spring returning, of preparing a festive table for old friends...
For my personality type, anticipation ranks high. Wouldn’t I be better looking forward with joy than with dread?
Jim Taylor

For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 15 where you will find a children’s version of Psalm 80 titled “Where is God.” The RCL calls for Isaiah 40:1-11 to be read on the second Sunday in Advent. In our Alternate reading, that is incorporated in the reading for the first Sunday. Whatever route you choose, you will find that passage told for children on page 17.
Think about these books as useful Christmas gifts for anyone involved in church leadership. Especially those teaching Sunday School or preaching.
Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
If you order on the web, you get 20% off. And if you order more than $50 worth of stuff, Wood Lake pays the shipping.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rumors – I’m having an annoying attack of preachificationalism. That’s because Jim Taylor twisted my arm. They’re between clergy at his church, and Jim figured they were getting tired of his stuff and needed someone else to kvetch at.
I have heard of legendary preachers who could put together the requisite three points and a poem” in the ten minutes between hockey periods on Saturday night. There was even one who could inspire the masses by putting together a sermon during the second hymn – a very long hymn I’m guessing.
The story goes that the famed Harry Emerson Fosdick (brother of Fearless in Li’l Abner – only those over 50 will recognize that name) had an office in the tower at Riverside Church in New York. The number of people with heart and lungs capable of climbing up there was somewhat limited. So Fosdick – who had a large and supportive staff to do all the grunt work – could spend the requisite two hours for each minute of sermon time which he said it took to do a good sermon.
Or at least, that’s the story I heard. I worked for several years in another legendary tower across the street from Riverside. They called it “Heaven on the Hudson.” Or, “The Holy Sepulcher.” Among other things.
But I digress. Writing that Readers’ Theatre piece using Isaiah’s visions had me humming the theme from Man of La Mancha, based on Cervantes story of Don Quixote. “To dream the impossible dream – to try, when your arms are too weary, to reach the unreachable star. . . to be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause. . .”
I thought maybe I’d tell a succession of stories. Stories of people who dreamed impossible dreams. Visionaries. Pie in the sky people. Like Isaiah, Jesus, Julian of Norwich, Joan of Arc, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, and most recently Brach Obama. There are lots of others, of course, and if I tell all their stories the morning service in Winfield will morph into the afternoon and evening service and we can end with “The Day Thou Gavest.” When you only preach once in awhile you have to put all your stuff into one sermon. I wonder if their pews are padded.
To end the sermon, maybe I could bring in those three singing priests from Ireland to sing, “The Impossible Dream.”
I’d sing it myself, but I think they take the offering after the sermon. You can do or say almost anything in my denomination, but if you mess with the offering, you will be boiled in double virgin olive oil which will be recycled and used to drive busses somewhere.
Or maybe I’ll just crib something from Fred Craddock and have done with it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Marching in Step
Last week, the wonders of television portrayed several Remembrance Day parades – Memorial Day in the U.S.
Legionnaires marched in blazers adorned with ribbons and medals. Masonic Lodges marched in fezzes and aprons, Knights of Columbus in cocked hats and lace, school bands in slacks and miniskirts, RCMP in scarlet jackets and Stetsons, bagpipers in kilts and sporrans...
And I found myself wondering about the rationale for getting all dressed up in fancy duds that you’d probably feel embarrassed wearing if you were the only person doing it.
Of course, Remembrance Day is a special occasion. People gather to honour those who served and died – and who continue to serve and die today in places like Afghanistan.
The clothing makes a statement. But it does more.
It’s a little like a masquerade party. Wearing a mask or costume permits people to release inhibitions, to act out a role.
To some extent, the clothing defines the role. When I was younger, clergy always wore clerical collars. I used to play volleyball with a man who always wore his collar on the court. Collars and vestments set them apart, reminded them that they marched to a different drummer.
In the same way, many clergy wore albs and robes and Geneva gowns in the chancel. It distinguished those designated as worship leaders from those who simply received.
By no coincidence, I sense, the use of special garments has declined as worship became increasingly understood as something done by the whole people of God, not just by a select few.
I wonder if the regalia worn in Remembrance Day parades sets up a similar distinction. It defines “us” and “them.” The in-group visibly demonstrates a uniformity, a solidarity – we wear the same outfits, we march in step, we play in tune. The rest, the others, the folks out there, do not have that same sense of common purpose.
Which is fine, I suppose, as long as it doesn’t lead to the “either/or” trap. It’s a trap I often fall into – the assumption that alternatives must be mutually exclusive. If we’re right, they must be wrong. Or worse, if they’re not with us, they must be against us.
It’s harder to think “both/and” – that both our way and theirs may have virtue. That our way – Christianity, capitalism, democracy – may not have a hammerlock on truth. That Islam and Hinduism, Buddhism, Zoroastrianism, and First Nations faiths may also enable their followers to grow (as was said of the boy named Jesus) “in wisdom, in stature, and in favor with God and humanity.”
And to recognize that you don’t have to blow bagpipes, be a veteran, or march in a parade, to respect those who sacrificed their health, their families, or their lives in an effort to restore some justice to an often unjust world. The effort may have been flawed, even misguided – but they were willing to try.
The question is not whether special uniforms are right or wrong. The question is only how the uniform influences the person wearing it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Such a bargain! How about an autographed copy of “The Spirituality of Grandparenting”? And at a discount!
OK, you have one week. Seven Days.
If you order from the website or by phone before the end of November, you will receive an autographed copy – both Bev and myself – of this colorful coffee table book.
No, the book is not a “how to” thing. It’s a celebration. Full of delightful photos and a text that’ll get you feeling all warm and fuzzy inside.
Makes a great Christmas gift.
Go to www.woodlakebooks.com and order on the web. You get 20% off.
Or phone 1-800-663-2775

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Good Stuff – Bernice Whaley sends this thought provoker.
Alice and Kevin moved into a new neighborhood. The next morning, while they were eating breakfast, Kevin sees the young woman next door hanging out the wash.
"That laundry isn’t very clean," said Kevin. “She must be using the wrong kind of soap.”
Alice said nothing.
Every time the neighbor would hang out her wash, Kevin would say the same thing.
Then one morning Kevin pointed out the window. “"Look! Her washing is clean. She must have discovered a new laundry soap.”
“Not really,” said Alice. “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – John Willems of Medicine Hat, Alberta says it was projected onto the screen for all to see. The words to “The Old Rugged Cross.” “. . .where the dearest and best, for a world of lost winners was slain.”
Those are exactly the right words, John. People who win big in the lottery almost always find their personal lives ruined by all that money.

“In the spirit of Lynne Allin, I shall confess one of my own bloopers.” Chris Hayes was writing a stewardship letter to the folks in his parish. He intended to write: "Consider how you might offer the Church. . .” But Chris forgot the "-er" in "offer." So the letter read, "Consider how you might off the Church. . ."

Pat Beeman of Goldendale, Washington saw a newsletter announcing a new staff member. The announcement went on to promise, “a bull bio next week.”
Pat, you and I have both seen bios that were mostly bull. If you want to see a good example of that, check out my bio on the Wood Lake Books website.

Anne Camp of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania overheard this response to the bumper sticker that says, “Honk if you love Jesus.”
“If you love Jesus, tithe. Anybody can honk.”

Gordon Hunter saw an announcement about a moving sale – to be “hosed by John and Sylvia.”
I’m sure, Gordon, that John and Sylvia had no intention of hosing anyone, but I bought a power saw at a church yard sale a few years ago. Good price, but when I got it home, I knew I’d been hosed.

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Wish I’d Said That! – The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering.
Augustine of Hippo via Don Sandin

There's so much good in the worst of us and so much bad in the best of us that it hardly becomes any of us to talk about the rest of us.
Edward Wallis Hoch, attr. via Jim Taylor

Don't be so hard on yourself. Moses was a basket case too. Nicole Bourassa saw this on a church bulletin board

Grace... it's the name of a girl. It's also a thought that changed the world.
Bono (U2) via Chris Hayes

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

We Get Letters – Phil Gilman says that in Florida “it's d*mn cold! 30F at 7 a.m. in central Florida, and it's all you fault! Would you Canucks please shut your refrigerator doors!”
30F!!! Phil, you call that cold?? That’s only two degrees below freezing. Put on your shorts, slather on some sun block, and go outside to enjoy the sunshine.
You see, Phil, it’s all a matter of definitions. Call 30F warm and it is warm. As for those refrigerator doors, we’ll be closing them as soon as it’s winter. To keep the beer from freezing.

Linda McMullan writes: I can't help myself: I have the grammar gene, passed down from my English-teacher mother. When I read "I am me and your not,” I itched to get out my blue pencil to correct it to; “I am me and you're not.”
It reminded me of a Halloween joke.
Two nuns are driving in Transylvania, one dark and stormy night. They are traveling slowly because they don't know their way and visibility is nearly zero on the deserted country road.
All of a sudden, a vampire jumps out from behind a tree, directly in their path. They brake sharply.
"What should we do?" asked the first nun.
"Show him your cross".
The first nun jumps out of the car, runs up to the vampire, shakes her finger at him and says, "We're really ticked off at you!!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “ caskets found!”) These wonderful, actual headlines courtesy of Randy Hall.
* Alton attorney accidentally sues himself.
* County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds.
* Volunteers search for old Civil War planes.
* An Australian Army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
* Caskets found as workers demolish mausoleum.
* Utah Poison Control Center reminds everyone not to take poison.
* Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons.
* Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops significantly after age 25.
* One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Bottom of the Barrel – The minister was getting tired of all the gossip she heard during coffee hour after church.
“You need to listen to yourself,” she said in a sermon. “I hear one of the men saying, ‘George is a really nice guy, but ...’ and then I hear one of the women say, ‘I think Annabelle is a nice woman, but ...’ and ‘The Jones are a fine couple, but ...’
Well, you know something. You are all going to hell on your ‘buts.’”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Isaiah’s Dream – A Readers’ Theatre version of the alternate lectionary reading from Isaiah 2:3b-4, 7:14, 9:6-7, 40:1-10, 11. Yes, of course you have permission – we hope you’ll use it during your worship service.

Reader one: 700 years before the time of Christ, a dreamer walked among the villages of Judah and through the streets of Jerusalem. They called him a prophet. Isaiah was his name.

Reader two: Isaiah saw it every day – the pain, the conflict, the suffering, the anger, the warfare, the famine – Isaiah saw the injustice all around him, and knew there had to be a better way. In his heart and in his prayers, Isaiah heard the Holy One of Israel offer a dream of hope. And these are the words through which Isaiah expressed his dream.

Reader one: For out of Zion shall go forth instruction, and the word of the Lord from Jerusalem. He shall judge between the nations, and shall arbitrate for many peoples; they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruning hooks. Nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more.

Reader two: Therefore, the Lord will give you a sign. Look, the young woman is with child and shall bear a son, and shall name him Immanuel.

Reader one: For unto us a child is born. Unto us, a son is given. All authority rests upon his shoulders; and these are his names.

Reader two: Wonderful Counselor!

Reader one: Mighty God!

Reader two: Everlasting Father!

Reader one: The Prince of Peace!

Reader two: His authority shall grow continually, and there shall be endless peace. He will establish and uphold it with justice and with righteousness from this time onward and forevermore.

Reader one: The zeal of the Lord of hosts will do this!

Reader two: Comfort, O comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and cry to her that she has served her term, that her penalty is paid, that she has received from the Lord's hand double for all her sins.

Reader one: A voice cries out!

Reader two: In the wilderness prepare the way of the Lord! Make straight in the desert a highway for our God. Every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill be made low; the uneven ground shall become level, and the rough places a plain.

Reader one: Then the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all people shall see it together, for the mouth of the Lord has spoken.

Reader two: A voice says, "Cry out!"

Reader one: What shall I cry?

Reader one: All people are grass. Their constancy is like the flower of the field. The grass withers. The flower fades, when the breath of the Lord blows upon it.

Reader two: Yes, the people really like are grass. The grass withers. The flower fades. But the word of our God will stand forever.

Reader one: Get you up to a high mountain, O Zion, herald of good tidings. Lift up your voice with strength. O Jerusalem, herald of good tidings, lift it up, do not fear; say to the cities of Judah, "Here is your God!"

Reader two: And he shall feed his flock like a shepherd. He will gather the lambs in his arms, and carry them in his bosom, and gently lead the mother who carries a child in her womb.

Reader one: For unto us a child is born. Unto us, a son is given. All authority rests upon his shoulders; and these are his names.

Reader two: Wonderful Counselor!

Reader one: Mighty God!

Reader two: Everlasting Mother!

Reader one: The Voice of Peace!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Preaching Materials for November 23, 2008

R U M O R S # 528
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-11-16

November 16, 2008

FATHER, SON AND HOLY GOATS
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there.
Thanks.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

WHOW! Not that long ago, I found myself amazed that Rumors subscribers numbered seven thousand. I just checked, and there are now more than 7,500 folks who receive this electronic rag. I wonder how many actually read it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The Story – the sheep and the goats
Rumors – remembering
Soft Edges – doctrine or not
Good Stuff – Christian pumpkins
Bloopers – glutton free diets
We Get Letters – why? because?
Mirabile Dictu! – punsalert
Bottom of the Barrel – three kinds of goats
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rib Tickler – The church school teacher was talking about Matthew 25:31-46, and the parable of the sheep and the goats. “If all the bad people in the world were painted green and all the good people painted red, what color would you be?”
A small hand went up. “Striped,” came the response.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, November 23rd, which is Reign of Christ Sunday.

The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) is definitely in the gospel reading, Matthew 25:31-46 – the parable of the sheep and goats

Today’s children are brought up on Barney the Dinosaur and the Berenstein Bears, on Sesame Street and Dora the Explorah. In Jesus’ time, they may have had the precursors of Grimms’ Fairy Tales, but I suspect most children’s stories came from what we call the Old Testament. Because the gospel writer’s recollections of Jesus’ teaching frequently pick up allusions to Isaiah, Joel, and in this case, Ezekiel.
The catchphrase in Matthew’s parable of the sheep and the goats is, “As you did it to one of the least of these...”
Is “one of the least” limited to human beings? How far down the plant/animal chain are your people willing to take their concern: to polar bears? dolphins? groundhogs? mice? spiders? cockroaches? bacteria?
Some other religions take this much more seriously than Christianity (with the exception of St. Francis of Assisi). Jains carry a whisk broom to sweep aside bugs that they might otherwise step on.
By contrast, our churches tend not to trust even other humans. One time, I played a seedy-looking Fagin in a chancel drama. As I awaited my grand entry in the narthex, not just one but two ushers came out to check up on me. They didn’t trust someone who looked like “one of the least...”
Jim Taylor

In my minds eye, I can see a Cecil B. DeMille movie. (That dates me, I know. But so what?) There is a cast of thousands. Elgar’s “Pomp and Circumstance” march, played by “76 trombones and a hundred and ten clarinets” and a thousand piece band booms through the great marble hallway.
High and lifted up on a solid gold throne sits the king – no, the Holy Universal Emperor, no less – surrounded by glittering ladies and lords and assorted sycophants.
A crimson curtain is pulled back to reveal the serried ranks of satisfied souls in pure white nightgowns and glittering tiaras who bow low before the Emperor.
In a voice, reverberating over a much-too-loud PA system, the Emperor speaks. “And what have you done for me, that I should allow you to bask in my presence?”
As with one voice, the satisfied souls responded. “We bowed. We scraped. We flattered. We built temples in your honor. We sang songs in your praise. Whenever something good happened, we gave you thanks. Whenever something bad happened, we said it was our fault. We are nothing. You are everything. You alone are worthy. We are but dirt and scum.”
“Nicely said! You have been well trained,” came the reverberating voice. “Come inside, and bask in my greatness and glory.”
Then suddenly a hush falls on the assembly. Something is not right. A person – it’s impossible to tell whether male or female – who looks like Saint Frances in the movie or Mother Theresa or someone we know but not quite. This person walks quietly, confidently, through the ranks of nobles who slink to one side.
The person walks in bare feet up the stairs to the throne, high and lifted up, and stands there looking at the Emperor. No words are spoken, but the face of the Emperor shows fear and joy, hope and horror, love and hate.
The person turns to gaze at the satisfied souls. No words, but on the face where the satisfied souls expect to see anger, they see only pity. And love. And deep, deep sadness.
Then turning, the person walks in the other direction. The walls of the palace dissolve revealing people of all walks of life – all races – all faiths – who seem to pay no attention at all to the holy person walking toward them. They are all busy. Some are planting gardens. Some are building small houses. Some are helping street people. Some are binding wounds. Some are in politics working for justice. Some are caring for children. Some are simply praying.
And now the stranger speaks. “Thank you, my friends. We will always be together in a life of hope and joy and peace.”
The castle dissolves into a pile of ashes, and the ashes float around and settle on the nobles and ladies and satisfied souls. They are not punished. They simply turn into a dull and uniform and joyless gray.
The voice on the loudspeakers is silenced. Drifting through the ruins of the palace comes the distant sound of children laughing and people singing.
Ralph Milton

Ezekiel 34:11-16, 20-24 – Jim Taylor is a fine editor. Whenever he’s edited one of my books, I get uptight because he has an uncanny way of honing in on the flabbiest bits. He accused me once, with considerable justification, I must admit, of “milking your metaphors to death.”
If Jim got to edit this passage from Ezekiel, I think his blue pencil would write something similar in the margins. The “sheep and goats” metaphor doesn’t do much for folks who may have never seen a sheep or a goat except in a zoo.
And why are the goats always the bad ones? They’ll eat everything including an old rubber boot, but they are simply being goats. That’s the way God made them. And in the tea plantations of China, the goats are let loose because they will eat everything except the tea plants. So they keep down the weeds and fertilize the soil.

Psalm 100 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Serving the Least
Few things are as joyful as in impromptu street party, with the whole neighborhood joining in.
1 Two guitars and a washtub bass,
a country fiddle, an old-time caller.
Come on, everyone, join the dance.
2 Do-si-do and allemande left,
swing your partner, bow to your corner.
Clap those hands and stamp those feet.
3 Yes, God, this is good!
God calls the square dance of our lives;
God weaves our varied colors into a swirling kaleidoscope;
we dance our complex patterns to God's grand design.
4 So step onto God's dance floor with a song in your heart and a smile on your face.
5 For God loves a good time too.
God is in the sweat and the swinging,
in the sawdust and the singing.
God IS the dance of life.
Whether you join the dance or sit on the sidelines,
the beat goes on,
and fills the night with music!
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

A note about Psalm 100.
Linnea Good has written a marvelous, lively song based on this psalm. “Make a Joyful Noise, All the Earth,” is the name. It has good bounce and just a touch of “country.” If it’s not in your hymn book, it should be. But you can find it on Linnea’s web site at:
http://www.linneagood.com/main/

Ephesians 1:15-23
This passage is proclaiming that the promise of Ezekiel has been fulfilled. God has raised Christ up from death and made him a new king in the Davidic line.
Using the metaphor of King for Christ doesn’t work too well. It doesn’t consider the nature of the Christ. Nor is “rule” a useful verb. The risen Christ in constantly seeking our love – our participation in the joy of Christ’s presence – but to have any meaning, that must be voluntary.
There is no such thing as a forced love.

For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A,” page 242 for a story called “Being Kind to God,” based on the Matthew lection.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rumors – Bev, daughter Kari and I went to a Remembrance Day service in Vernon last Tuesday. (Armistice Day in the UK, Veterans Day in the US, Anniversary Day in NZ) We drove out there because grandson Jake was playing clarinet in the community band.
It was an impressive pageant. Preceded by the pipe band in kilts and sporran, the police and the firemen and the armed services, and service clubs and various semi-religious orders such as Masons and Knights of Columbus and Eastern Star, the Sikh community each laid a wreath.
Kari and I got to talking about the various outfits people in the parade were wearing. We agreed that playing “dress-up” didn’t end with childhood.
We didn’t mean that unkindly. All of us do it to some degree. We dress within a circle of normality for our group and time. It marks who we are. A teacher friend tells me that to work with young people of high school age, you have to get “beyond the uniform,” the signs of identity that say, ‘I am me and this is the group I belong to.”
The people at the Remembrance Day service were saying, “I am me and your not. And this is my identity.” Humans have a deep need to belong – to have an identity.
It was a good service. Somebody read the poem “In Flanders Fields” and we sang a hymn. The “padre” preached a short sermon.
I am sure it wasn’t intentional, but there was a slight sense of “over-against-ness” to the pageant. There were memories of sacrifice in two world wars and the Korean war and an awareness of the war in Afghanistan. As we sang our national anthem, I wondered if we were saying, “We won! We were the good guys. We were right and God was on our side, and we remember those on our side who made this victory possible.”
History is written by the victors who blame the losers for the brutality and chaos of war, but we are also hearing from more thoughtful and balanced historians who point to the futility and cost. These historians point out that goodness and justice and fairness and nobility were by no means all on one side. There was brutality and cruelty enough to infect all of us, including those like myself who had family members we were honoring.
The question is relevant in the light of the lectionary readings for next Sunday. Sheep and goats. Those who are welcomed into the holy presence – those who are banished into darkness and death.
Real life just isn’t like that. Our adversarial legal and political systems pushes the world into categories of guilty or not guilty, elected or not elected. But that’s an oversimplification of life. Any group – any individual – that tries to be clear-eyed and honest knows this.
Bev and I walked among the ruins of Coventry Cathedral a few years ago. We learned that as soon as the war ended, the people of Coventry began a movement toward reconciliation, focused on the city of Dresden in Germany. Coventry had been flattened with saturation bombing. The Allies did the same to Dresden. Thousands of civilians died on both sides.
I remember a Remembrance Day service about 55 years ago – standing in the snow beside a German friend who had fought in Hitler’s Luftwaffe. He wept. So did I. We went for lunch together and begged each other’s forgiveness.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Doctrine or Not?
“I need doctrine,” a friend told me a while ago. “Other people may be comfortable having some kind of vague relationship with God. I need certainty. I need definition.”
Another friend argues that doctrine is the problem, not the solution. “Religious people (and other ideologues) have no right to expect other people to act as if they shared their beliefs, and then claim they're being disrespected if anyone demurs.
“In a society where people have a variety of faiths, including none, secularism is the common denominator. It puts forward a basic package of shared values and rules that all can accept so that we can get along despite our differences.”
Contradictory views. One friend wants to be told what to believe. The other doesn’t.
So, let’s start at the very beginning, as Julie Andrews sang in “The Sound of Music.”
Occasionally, people have direct encounters with God. Personally, I suspect that a lot more people have had encounters with God than they realize, but that’s another point.
Those encounters change people’s lives. Again, I doubt if reading a doctrinal statement, by itself, ever changed anyone’s life, but let’s leave that aside too.
People who have had a personal encounter with God have no need of doctrines. They now have a one-to-one relationship. It’s the difference between falling in love and signing a contract.
Relationships can change, of course. Contractual partners can fall in love, rendering the detailed terms of their original contract immaterial. Lovers can fall out of love, too. When love ends, real and/or implied contracts suddenly become crucially important. Ask anyone who’s ever struggled through divorce negotiations.
Church doctrines are like those contracts. The great Christian mystics – Julian of Norwich, Francis of Assisi, John of the Cross, Mechtild of Magdeburg – transcended doctrinal statements. They didn’t reject doctrines, or repudiate them – they just considered doctrine irrelevant when they had experienced the real thing.
But for others, doctrines help to keep their faith from wandering off the straight and narrow path.
The encounter comes first; the doctrine evolves later. Paul encountered God on the road to Damascus; later he developed a theology to explain what had happened to him.
In that light, it seems to me that religious doctrines have two purposes.
First, doctrines affirm and validate, for those who have not had a personal encounter with the divine, the experience of those who have had such an encounter.
Second, doctrines attempt to limit what’s acceptable as a legitimate encounter with God. The revelation, whatever it is, must fall within certain parameters. Encounters with god as a writhing ball of snakes or as a five-eyed extraterrestrial would probably not qualify as Christian – although the visions of John of Patmos, in the biblical book of Revelation, may push those limits a little!
Religious doctrines will never substitute for a personal experience of God. Rather, they attempt to offer a test of whether such an experience really comes from God, or from something else.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Good Stuff – This from Jim Spinks.
A woman was asked by a friend, “What is it like to be a Christian?” “It is like being a pumpkin,” said the friend. “God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. “Then God cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff, removing the seeds of doubt, hate, and greed.
“Then God carves you a new smiling face and puts a divine light inside of you to shine for all to see.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Lynne Allin of Aylmer, Ontario has a genuine sense of humor because she tells this on herself. Lynne typed a bulletin announcement about a Halloween event sponsored by the district Lions Club. Except it came out as “District Loins.”
Lynne, aren’t “loins” something you “gird?” Or “gerd?” Or “gurd?” Do we ever use those words in any other context?”

Linda Masters of Red Deer, Alberta spotted this in an announcement about a luncheon. “The meal will include vegetarian and glutton free diets.”

Vern Ratzlaff of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan sends along a couple of spoonerisms.
In the Fraser Valley of BC, he heard a minister announce an event at the “Peace Arch Park.” Except it came out, Peach Arss Park.
“A reader at our Easter service intended, 'and the keepers did shake and became as dead men', except it came out as, 'and the Quakers did keep and became as dead men'.”

Ruth Shaver of Schellsburg, Pennsylvania remembers an announcement that left the all important word “cancer” out of an announcement. It read: "October is Breast Awareness Month.” The church secretary silenced the chortling males in the congregation by announcing, "And next month is Prostate Awareness Month!"

Jim Taylor says this was an actual sentence in a manuscript. "We believe that, in the event of an event, or simultaneous events, we will respond with the perfect, or, near perfect response."
Says Jim: “It's so reassuring to know that if an event eventuates, they'll respond with a response.”

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Wish I’d Said That! – Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.
Bob Newhart via Velia Watts

Holding onto grievances is a decision to suffer.
Gerald Jampolsky via Evelyn McLachlan

On Daylight Savings Time: "Only a white man would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of a blanket and have a longer blanket."
a First Nations person via Patricia Ling Magdamo
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

We Get Letters – I find it a bit disappointing to find out from Eric Corbin that the church signs we mentioned in last week’s Rumors were not real. Eric says “the signs were created at a website which allows people to make church signs with whatever text they like. The site can be used for some good humor (as well as for not so nice purposes).”

This from Stephani Keer.
A philosophy professor told our class about an exam, scheduled for three hours, that contained a single question: "Why?"
The only person who got even a decent grade was the one who left the exam after writing: "Because."
Stephani, there’s a profound philosophical truth in there. Somewhere.

Doris Gist writes about “My Republican friend who quotes Ecclesiastes 10:2” in the light of recent political movements. “The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of a fool to the left.” (NRSV)
Doris, that reminds me of a quote remembered from years ago. “A proof text out of context becomes a pretext.”

Lana Fong of Curtis, Nebraska sends along a “new version of the Serenity Prayer.
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “punsalert!”)
Nancy McClure-Long of Ghent, New York sends along a precious packet of positively painful puns. This list has been growing and has been modified, and its circulation on the internet is an example of the kind of folk literature that the internet generates.

Puns Alert!
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
* She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
* A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
* No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
* A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
* A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
* Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
* A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
* Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'
* A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
* A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
* A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
* The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.
* The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
* A backward poet writes in-verse.
* In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
* When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
* Don't join dangerous cults. Practice safe sects!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Bottom of the Barrel – It was lunchtime on Sunday, and the family was talking about church that morning. “We were learning about goats,” said seven-year-old Willie.”
“That’s interesting,” said mom, trying not to look surprised. “Tell me more about that.”
“There are three kinds of goats,” said Willie. “There’s a Billy goat, like in the story. There’s the minister, because daddy sometimes calls him an ‘old goat.’ And then there’s the kind we sing about – ‘Praise Father, Son and Holy Goats.’”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Preaching Materials for November 16th, 2008

R U M O R S # 527
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-11-09

November 9th, 2008

WE HAVE A DREAM
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there.
Thanks.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The Story – the talents
Rumors – an opportunity
Soft Edges – eating disorder
Good Stuff – you thought I wasn’t looking
Bloopers – scared preachers
We Get Letters – those sad ducees
Mirabile Dictu! – if you can do all that
Bottom of the Barrel – a christened haddock
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rib Tickler – Chris Duxbury of Australia sent this along just in time for Remembrance Day in Canada and Veterans Day in the US.
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Randy standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time so the pastor walked up and stood beside the boy.
“Pastor, what is this?” asked little Randy.
'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'
There was a long silence. Finally, little Randy's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary)
Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, November 16th, Proper 28 [33].

The Story. Matthew 25:14-30 – The Parable of the Talents.
If you’re going to preach from Judges, at least don’t quit at verse 7.
Keep going, and tell how Jael, wife of Heber, murdered the enemy general Sisera by driving a tent peg through his skull.
I’m going to have to go with Matthew, much as I dislike him. Because Matthew 25 contains two of Jesus’ most powerful parables.
Several times, in my life, I have longed to hear those words: “Well done, thou good and faithful servant...” Despite more modern translations, that’s what’s imprinted on my brain. But it couldn’t happen, because the voice I wanted to hear belonged to a dead man.
So how do we know we’re carrying out “the master’s will”? Is it simply making money? (The parable speaks only of money, which leads some to propound the gospel of prosperity.) Is it exercising political power?
Achieving someone else’s goals?
What makes a servant “faithful”?
And when do yesterday’s goals become a straitjacket that restricts our faithfulness today?
Jim Taylor

What a story to come along at this point in our international financial history! Whole countries and major banks going phhhheeet! If we do this story about investments right, it’ll have all the folks sitting there bug-eyed on Sunday morning listening to the sermon.
Last week, Bev and I had a visit from our financial advisor. He’s a good advisor and spoke frankly to us about our financial health. The small nest-egg we have is invested so conservatively is as safe as it gets. We’re definitely the one-talent servant in this story.
Jesus has the master, and by extension, God, saying, “To those who have, more will be given, and to those who have not, even what they have will be taken away.” Doesn’t sound much like the loving, sin-forgiving God we read about elsewhere.
But maybe it’s real life. I could tell you the story of how Bev and I dumped one financial advisor who had all our money going south in favor of another recommended by a friend.
The harshest judgment is for the poor one-talent person who gets sent to a gruesome death for fiscal mismanagement. Conrad Black, a Canadian high-roller, only got a few years in a minimum security jail. Was Jesus too harsh or are we going soft?
So I think this is the story I’d go with, and unless I come up with an utterly brilliant brain-wave about Barak and Jael and that lot, I’d lay the Judges lection quietly to one side. At most, I’d go with the sanitized version in “The Lectionary Story Bible.”
Ralph Milton

Judges 4:1-7 – If ever there was a literary equivalent to “coitus interruptus,” this is it. King Jabin of Canaan is doing it to the Israelites, so they go see a Judge named Deborah. Right away, you can feel the story coming. A woman judge? She sends for someone named Barak (Where have we heard that name before?) and tells him to gather up some of the guys and go beat up on Jabin. And God will make it happen.
Thump.
The story stops dead in its tracks if we go what the lectionary folk suggest. But there’s got to be more, and there is. Barak says he’ll go if Deborah comes along. Why?
Deborah tells Barak she’ll go, but that means he won’t get credit for beating Jabin’s army. If fact, it’s going to be another woman, sweet little blood-thirsty Jael, who gets the glory. (God says to Sisera, “Go to Jael, go directly to Jael, do not pass Go. . .”)
The plot thickens. (Or sickens!) You have battles raging, and major league generals running flat out terrified and women driving tent pegs through skulls. (Okay, only one woman and one tent peg and one skull. I got carried away.)
You can’t say there isn’t a story. I vaguely remember seeing a wonderfully awful movie about it years ago. (There may be a modern story about why the lection was cut off at verse seven instead of going at least through verse eight where Barak tells Deb he’s scared to go it alone. Never mind the rest of the story about a woman killing a general. Killing is men’s work after all.)
So read the whole chapter. I’m sure there must be more of a point to it than, “Our God can beat your god!” Or “Women are tougher than men.” Or “The solution to your problem is, go to war!”

Psalm 123 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Nurturing the Gift
Anyone who feels excluded, shut out, treated as inferior, might sympathize with this psalm.
1 I wish I were like you.
You have so much more than we have;
you are so much more than we are.
2 You are the norm, the model, the image everyone expects of us.
We discern you at a distance, as through the wrong end of a telescope.
You are far out of reach, untouchable.
3 Don't brush us off, please.
We have had more than our share of contempt dumped on us.
4 For too long, we have been the rejects, the people nobody cares about.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

I Thessalonians 5:1-11 – I don’t think this passage is about timing. Yes, Paul thought Christ would return in his lifetime, but this is about getting your spiritual act together. In other words, if your soul is as dry as a desert, it doesn’t really much matter what happens in your life, you are not going to be ready for it.

For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A,” page 238, for a less violent children’s version of the Deborah story, “A Mother for Israel” which picks up on the “Song of Deborah” from chapter five. The story based on the Matthew reading is “An Upside Down Story,” on page 240. It’s not the usual take on this story.
Check your favourite religious bookstore, or click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rumors – I’m writing this Wednesday morning.
Last night, Bev and I sat in awe and joy in front of the TV set. I have no doubt that most of you, whether you are American or not, were doing the same. This wasn’t about one country. This was about the world.
The long line-ups to vote – some people standing as long as four hours. Like that first election in South Africa.
The huge majority for Obama. Political boundaries dissolving.
Obama’s amazing speech. And the cameras picking out expressive faces in that huge crowd – tears in the eyes of Jessie Jackson and Oprah.
I remembered another huge crowd listening to a similar speech. “I have a dream. . .”
That’s what yesterday was all about. A dream.
A dream, and the cry of a nation. The future of America and the future of the world must be built on the ideals of justice and freedom, not on guns and dollars.
The dream, which Martin Luther King Jr. put into words, didn’t die when he was killed. That same dream, now given words by Barack Obama, will not die, even if he turns out to be less than we hope.
And he will be less than we hope. He is human.
When future historians look back at this moment, they will point to three world-wide events that offer us unprecedented opportunity.
1) The citizens of the American super power have voted with their hearts. They’ve chosen a dreamer to be the most powerful person on the planet. They have said to the world, “We have a dream. At our best we are not about guns and money and power. We are about justice and freedom. And we can live that dream. Yes, we can.”
2) Within a world-wide financial meltdown, an opportunity. Maclean’s Magazine writes: “This financial crisis may be the equivalent of Buckley’s cold medicine – awful tasting but good for what ails us financially and spiritually. In fact, a simpler, pared-down and debt-free lifestyle might make us happier and healthier than we’ve been in years.”
3) The fruitless carnage in Iraq and Afganistan is showing us once again that there are no winners in a war. Violence, as a means of achieving anything, never works in the long run. There are better ways – far better ways – for the United States and other western powers to be leaders in the world community.
Those historians will look back to the year 2008 and point to this time when the reality of the small, blue planet finally began to sink in. We are a world community! Differences of economies, politics, education, language, history, culture, race, gender, sexual orientation, religion – are gifts of uniqueness and identity. They simply do not work when they become instruments of oppression and greed.
The world economic crises is an opportunity.
Those fruitless wars are an opportunity.
The choice of a dreamer to be the world’s most powerful leader is an opportunity.
We have a dream.
One world under God.
Yes, we can.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Eating Disorder
Last spring, Joan planted a bed of carrots. During the summer, young carrots came up thick and lush. In September, the carrots fattened up, pushing orange crowns out of the rich garden loam.
But did we get a good harvest in October? Not a chance! Our dog Phoebe ate most of the carrots.
We watched her. She trotted into the garden, carefully clamped her jaws around the carrot greens, wiggled a plump and crunchy carrot out of the ground, and carried it out onto the lawn to eat.
Until then, we had wondered why we found carrot greens littered around the yard.
She also slurped all the blueberries off our bushes. And as many raspberries as she could reach off our vines. We even caught her standing on her hind legs to pluck apples off the lower branches of a neighbor’s tree.
But that’s not all. An acquaintance has walnut trees. She dropped off a big bag of walnuts for us. We spread them on the laundry room counter to dry before we cracked them open.
We came back from an evening out to find the floor littered with fragments of walnut shell. The nuts were already processing their way through Phoebe’s digestive system.
Our vet says Phoebe is gaining too much weight. He wants us to cut down on the amount of kibble we feed her.
I suspect that Phoebe would still gain weight if we fed her nothing at all.
As one of those people who needs to understand things, I’d like to know whether Phoebe’s eating compulsion is a personal choice, or if she’s a victim of genetic programming.
In human genetics, for example, women carry the X chromosome; men have a Y chromosome. A few men have two Y chromosomes; early research suggested they tended to be macho to the extreme.
I wonder if our dog inherited a double dose of some obscure eating gene when the original Labrador mated with a Newfoundland to launch the Chesapeake Retriever line.
The question matters, because it relates to human behavior.
Christian theology teaches two things. On the one hand, God gave humans free-will, to choose between right and wrong. On the other hand, St. Augustine of Hippo maintained that a propensity to sin was genetically passed along from Adam and Eve’s original act of disobedience in the Garden of Eden.
Augustine lived long before biologists discovered DNA. We now know there is no “sin gene.” We can’t simply blame flaws and failings on legendary ancestors.
But we also know that we have no choice about some attributes. Eye and hair color, right- or left-handedness, cystic fibrosis and Huntington’s chorea – these do get handed down through the generations.
But are verbal skills inherited? Shyness? Sexual orientation? Intelligence? Musical ability? Empathy?
It would help me to know whether Phoebe’s compulsive eating results from genetic inheritance or the exercise of free will. Because then I might better understand why we humans act the way we do.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Good Stuff – This from Larry Claus. It’s intended for parents and children’s caregivers, but the principle applies to everyone.

When You Thought I Wasn’t Looking.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.
When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always talk to, and trust.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing, and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good, and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.
When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and wanted to say,’ Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.'

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – A batch of folks spotted my “potted” blooper last week. But you understand, of course, that it was absolutely intentional. Bloopers, like other lively things, grow and expand and bloom when properly attended. (How’s that for a rationalization?)

Sue Abold of Victoria, Texas almost didn’t make it through the prayer. "Help us Jesus, to understand and to accept your way of discipleship in our liver."
And a good prayer it was, Sue. Ask anyone with diabetes.
Carol North reports that “this morning in worship we ended up waling with God instead of walking with God.”
Carol, waling (or wailing) for God is good too. There are times in our lives when that is exactly what we need to do. Wailing beats pious rhetoric every time.

Vern Ratzlaff recalls a couple of mis-heard hymn titles. “Lead On, O Kinky Turtle” (Lean On, O King Eternal) and “Jesus, Save Your Pie For Me” (Jesus Savior, Pilot Me).
Laura Baum of Alamogordo, New Mexico, reminds us the technical word for that is “mondegreen,” and contributes one of her own. “Gladly the Cross-eyed Bear” (Gladly the Cross I’d Bear).

O. K. Neal recently saw an ad in a newsletter for a “Master of Scared Music” program. He wondered if they had a parallel program for scared preachers.
Someone who asked to be anonymous was listening to a sermon on the parable of the weeds in Matthew. On the screen was a picture of the notorious “weed.”

Not all bloopers are unintentional. April Dailey writes: “At a joint service for Reformation Day the liturgy listed the Offertoy {aka Offertory} Prayer – most appropriate since the sanctuary was jammed with stuffed animals destined for the Lutheran Children's Home!

Katherine Roark of Lexington, Kentucky writes: “Yesterday, as the children's director was trying to explain who saints are to a group of young children during the worship service, she asked them if they knew the names of any saints. To "prime the pump" she mentioned "St. Nicholas." One youngster came up with "St. Patrick." Another offered "St. Valentine." One youngster blurted out with a voice to rival the most energetic evangelist: "St. Louis!"
The thing is, the child was right. Louis was a king of France in the 13th century, before he became a saint and has had a whole batch of things named after him. His feast day is August 25th.

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Wish I’d Said That! – Each generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it.
George Orwell via O.K. Neal

See the struggle as God giving you the chance to triumph over difficulty, to deepen, to grow, to forgive. Engage with the demons and with angels. Then release. Cross over the river and journey on.
Rabbi Karen Kedar via Sharyl Peterson

Do not fear to hope that the wicked rage and rise. Our God sees not as we see. Success is not the prize. Rory Cooney via Mary in Oman

Give credit where credit is due.
A big apology to my brother Jim Taylor. The wise observation that “Any virtue carried to an extreme becomes a vice.” was his, and is in his fine book “Sin – A New Understanding of Virtue and Vice” (Northstone, 1997) which I heartily recommend.
And while we’re on the topic of misattributed quotes, a batch of kind folks pointed out an error I’ve made before. The “Serenity Prayer” is by Reinhold Niebuhr.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

We Get Letters – Marilyn MacDonald responded to the “Sad DUC cees” blooper in last week’s Rumors. “We were taught to remember the difference between the Pharisees and Sadducees by noting their theology: The Pharisees believed in life after death; the others were sad-you-see because they did not.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “If you can do all that!”)
This from son-in-law Don McNair of Vernon, British Columbia. Reminds me a little of Rudyard Kipling’s poem, “If” which I have learned to thoroughly dislike.

If you can start your day without caffeine,If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,If you can overlook it when people take things out on you, when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,If you can face the world without lies and deceit,If you can eat the same food, day-after-day, and be grateful for it,If you can conquer tension without medical help,If you can relax without alcohol,If you can sleep without the aid of drugs........If you can do all that, then, you are probably the family dog.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Bottom of the Barrel – David Gilchrist found this in a box of stuff he was sorting through 13 years after it had been packed for a move. It’s a delightful variation on a story that’s been around longer than that.
Isaac opened a store in Scotland; but not many locals wanted to buy from a Jew. However, he became good friends with the parish priest, who offered to help him improve his business. He invited Isaac to come to the Church that Saturday afternoon. He sprinkled some holy water from the baptismal font onto Isaac's head, saying:
"Isaac, Isaac, I christen you MacIsaac."
Well, the new name went up on the store, and business boomed. Isaac wanted to repay the priest by having him to dinner on Friday night. There was the delicious smell of roast duck permeating the room as they sat down to eat; but suddenly the priest turned very pale.
"What's the matter, Father; are you alright?" asked Isaac.
“Yes, I am fine,” said the priest. “But this is Friday and I can eat only fish, not meat, on a Friday fast day.”
Isaac was quiet for a moment; then dipping his fingers into a glass of water, he sprinkled a bit on the duck. "Duck, Duck, I christen you Haddock".

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*