Thursday, February 21, 2008

Preaching Materials for March 2, 2008

R U M O R S # 490
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-02-24

BE NICE

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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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A note about the lectionaries.
I’ve received a few e-mails from people wondering why the readings in the Story Lectionary don’t match the readings in the Revised Common Lectionary. That’s because there is no connection. However, both lectionaries follow the liturgical year, so you have the seasons – Lent, Advent, etc. and special Sundays in both systems.

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The Story Lectionary – let the story speak
Revised Common Lectionary – believe your own story
Rumors – be nice
Soft Edges – the power of threes
Bloopers – many kinds of orkers
We Get Letters – a new light bulb joke
Mirabile Dictu! – awfully good
Bottom of the Barrel – deliciously egregious
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – This from Jim Spinks and Eva Stanley.
Johnny's mother looked out the window and noticed him 'playing church' with their three kittens. He had the kittens sitting in a row, and he was preaching to them She smiled and went about her work.
A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the kittens in a tub of water.
“Johnny!” she called out. “Stop that! Those kittens don’t like water!'
Johnny looked up at her. “They should have thought about that before they joined my church.”

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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, March 2nd, which is the 4th Sunday of Lent.

Story Lectionary:
Matthew 21:12-22
My knee-jerk response to these complicated stories is to head for the commentaries and get all the knowledgeable background on temple practices, the growing of fig trees, etc. But that’s a kind of literary autopsy which kills the story. Knowing too much can be worse than knowing too little.
One of the things I promised myself when Jim and I started this Story Lectionary project was that I would let the stories speak directly without passing through a lot of critical filters. And when I do that, the thing I sense more than anything is intense anger.
Jesus is really uptight. He is passionate. He is not analytical or cerebral or reflective. This passage is full of fist-clenching, teeth gritting emotion.
Jesus yells at the money changers, he barks at the people who try to shush the children, and he blasts a poor innocent fig tree. He knows there is “something rotten in Denmark” (Shakespeare) even though he can’t quite name it.
Jesus is steaming mad about a diffused infection that works its way into a society devoted to wealth and power and consumption. Our task is to see the fire in the blazing eyes of Jesus – to take that ferocity into ourselves and direct it at our own habits and at a society devoted to wealth and power and consumption.
It’s not true that Bible stories should always make you feel better. Some Bible stories, if you let them get inside you, make you feel worse.

Revised Common Lectionary
1 Samuel 16:1-13 – There’s a delightful bit of inconsistency in this story. In verse 7 God tells Samuel not to judge a person by his or her looks. Eliab is a good looking hunk, but he hasn’t got the right stuff.
But when David comes along (v.12) he was “ruddy, and had beautiful eyes, and was handsome.” Those are the only characteristics mentioned, but God tells Samuel to anoint him.
There have been lots of studies about what qualities are needed for leadership. To have maximum credibility (in the US and Canada at least), you need to be male, Caucasian, tall, lean, with sparkly eyes, good looking, smiling, an English speaker without accent, and about 40 years old. Intelligence and education are important, but they are down on the list.
The surprising thing about that, is that people of all ages, shapes, gender, race, etc., pick those same qualities. We’ve all been socially brainwashed, and we provide our own shampoo. Because even when we deliberately decide not to judge people that way, we tend to do it unconsciously anyway.
Which means that all of us so-called “liberated” folks need to realize that underneath our non-judging, inclusive consciousness lurks a sneaky little bigot.

Psalm 23 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Jesus the Good Shepherd
Few feelings compare with coming home after a succession of hotel rooms, rental cars, and wearying meetings.
1 It's so good to be home,
2 to lie down in my own bed,
to play my favorite music,
to shed the tensions of travel as water runs off my shoulders in the shower.
3 Thank you, God.
You got me to the right gates in the airports;
4 you delivered me from dangerous drivers;
you kept me from getting lost in the concrete canyons of the city.
You gave me courage to face my critics.
5 You did not desert me.
When I was lonely, you found me a friend;
when I was weary, you led me to a welcome.
The airline didn't lose my bags.
6 I am at peace.
I'd like to live in these familiar walls forever...
Come live with me, and let me live with you.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

Ephesians 5:8-14 – Verse 14 might be a bit confusing until we realize that in ancient times it was thought that things gave off light, which enabled us to see them.
Things that are good and desirable give off light, whereas bad things did not give off light. The writer is probably talking about sexual immorality in verse 12, but the metaphor works for all of life.
Linnea Good has a wonderful song called “Living in the Light,” in which she sings, “When light comes pouring into the darkest night, it hurts our eyes to see the glow.” The clear, sparkling light of faith is not always good news to those whose spiritual eyesight can’t quite handle all that such light reveals.
Sometimes it’s much easier to live in the shadows.

John 9:1-41 – This reading takes a whole chapter and tells the whole story, so try to ensure that it is read well and with meaning. Such a story dies if the lector dribbles it down the chancel steps so that only the words and none of the meaning make it to the folks in the pews.
The story is about more than a sight-giving miracle. It is also the story of the conflict between those who are so tied into their own dogma they can’t believe their own experience or (especially) the experience of those with low social credibility.
The man born blind seems a bit like a rubber ball bounced from Jesus to the Pharisees, to his parents, and finally bounced out of the village. Jesus, saddened by what happened to the man, seeks him out, and his conversation is overheard by the Pharisees.
“Are you trying to tell us we’re the ones who are blind?” they ask.
“Bingo!” says Jesus.

See “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A,” page 87, for a children’s version of John 9.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address and search for “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod

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Rumors – Canadian comedians sometimes get after us for being too accommodating. It may well be true that we have an 11th commandment that says, “Be nice!” If something bad happens, apologize, even if it’s not your fault.
I have no idea whether the stereotype matches reality, though I know that in my own case (and this is true for most of my friends, I think) I tend to avoid conflict. It’s a well-developed skill and very useful in deflecting responsibility.
One of the reasons I’m a writer is that I can bellyache about an individual I know by complaining about a human characteristic or the habits of a group or organization to which said individual belongs.
Because I’m a church junky, I have a large display case in my mind somewhere, which shows all the rotten, terrible, awful things other church people do. Or don’t do. Many of those mental exhibits have names attached to them, which of course, I never mention. I can fire a broadside at a whole group of people – a group which includes the individual who annoys me. I can get at that person without getting at that person, if you know what I mean. I can throw the barb without taking responsibility.
When I hear or read a complaint directed at any group of which I am a part, I know I am the one exception who is not guilty. A good sermon is one that goes right over my head and hits the person sitting behind me. (Except that I sit in the back row of the choir loft and there is nobody behind me.)
It’s very hard for change to happen in a church where nobody gets angry – or at least admits to getting angry. Where nobody gets ticked off enough to do a bit of creative yelling and stomping and thereby take responsibility for the complaint. We read the story of Jesus raising a ruckus in the temple, and we know that little dust-up got him crucified.
Yes, we want to follow Jesus but only when doing that doesn’t irritate anyone. When doing so doesn’t get us stuck in the glue. Well before Jesus’ commandment to love God and neighbour we have our own little churchy commandment. Be nice.
When the roll is called up yonder, I wonder if beside my name will be written the most damning sin possible.
He was always nice.

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
The Power of Threes
We were studying the biblical book of Genesis, when we came across the passage where three strangers meet Abraham under the fabled oak trees at Mamre. According to the Bible, Abraham was 100 years old at the time; his wife Sarah was 90. But the three strangers – later referred to collectively as The Lord – assured Abraham that he and Sarah would have a son, within a year.
“How did three people become ‘The Lord’?” someone asked.
“Maybe three is supposed to represent Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,” someone else suggested.
I don’t think so. Mainly, because that was long before anyone thought of the Trinity. I suspect, in fact, that it happened the other way around.
The number three seems to have such profound cultural significance that the people who first defined Christian doctrines may not have realized why they focused on three facets of God.
Think about it. There were three crosses at Calvary. Jesus chose three disciples – Peter, James, and John – as his closest companions. He took them with him in the Garden of Gethsemane; he took them up the Mount of Transfiguration with him – where they saw three figures in white. The Magi from the east brought three gifts for the baby Jesus. Jesus suffered three temptations in the wilderness. After Jesus’ arrest, Peter denied Jesus three times. On the lakeshore, Jesus asked Peter three times, “Do you love me?” Jesus rose from death on the third day...
And it’s not just in Christianity. Hinduism has three primary avatars of the ultimate Godhead: Brahma the creator, Vishnu the preserver, Shiva the destroyer.
When you enter a Buddhist temple, you’re expected to bow three times: first for the Buddha; then for the Dharma, the Buddha’s teachings; finally for the Sangha, the community of believers.
Think too of the Three Musketeers, Three Men in a Boat, Three Little Pigs, the Three Stooges...
So what gives three such power, I wonder?
In geometry, two points define a line; three points define a solid surface. A chair with two legs will fall over; a chair with four legs will almost always wobble; but a three-legged stool will stay stable even on an uneven floor.
A photographer once taught me that a picture of two people tends to split apart; with three, it holds together; with more than three, numbers don’t matter any more.
In writing, three examples are enough. Fewer examples will fail to make the case; more examples are just overkill.
In conflict resolution situations, adversaries often “triangulate” – the issue they’re supposedly fighting over is actually about someone or something else.
Perhaps three manages to be simultaneously reassuring and cautionary. It reassures us that this is not a one-shot wonder, a single unsupported opinion, a one-size-fits-all solution. At the same time, it warns us not to get sucked into a monolithic mentality; there are no absolute perspectives, no universal answers.
Even the one God, it says, can be known in at least three different ways.

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Marj Parton of Parksville, British Columbia warns us to watch where our line breaks happen in bulletins and newsletters. Last Sunday’s bulletin announced:
Register now for the early bird. The next Presbytery
wide women’s retreat will be held from . . . etc.
Marj, lively line breaks and happy hyphens can lead to lots of merriment. For instance, the announcement of “a gathering of cow-
orkers for. . . etc”
What is the difference between a cow orker and a bull orker? Which reminds me – is the opposite of a cowboy a bullgirl?

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – God puts a tear in your eye so you always can see a rainbow. Author Unknown, via Wayne Donnelly

Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.
William Shakespeare via Evelyn McLauchlan

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that it’s me.
Paul Tillich and others, via Jane Millikan

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We Get Letters – Sharyl Peterson sends the first new “light bulb” joke in many moons. “How many choir directors does it take to change a light-bulb? Nobody knows. No-one ever watches the choir director.”
Sharyl, every choir director I’ve ever met will love that one.

Carl Chamberlain says I’ve “let the theological cat out of the bag by including the joke about the priest, minister and rabbi in a bar.” *Two nuns walked into a bar. You'd have thought one of them might have seen it. * Patrick stumbled from the tavern and made his way up the street. He staggered into the funeral home and fell to his knees in front of the grand piano. A crowd gathered around him. On rising to his feet Patrick turned to the widow, "I did not know your husband in life, but sure an' he had a fine set of teeth."
Mary Lautensleger of Albemarle, North Carolina wrote to say, “You forgot the date and number that are always at the top of Rumors.”
I wrote Mary, asking for forgiveness, and claiming a seniors’ moment. (Only persons who have served their biblical three-score and ten years can claim this singular grace.) Mary graciously forgave and granted absolution.
As far as I can tell, she was the only one who noticed.

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “awfully good!”)
This came from Annie Campbell of Epworth Grange, Bury, UK, via Denys Saunders of Birmingham, UK. It’s called, “I’m Very Well, Thankyou.”

There is nothing the matter with me
I’m as healthy as can be
I have arthritis in both knees
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze
My pulse is weak, and my blood is thin
But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.
Arch supports I have for me feet
Or I wouldn’t be able to go out on the street
Sleep is denied me night after night
But every morning I find I’m all right
My memory is failing, my head’s in a spin
But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.
The moral is this – as my tale I unfold
That for you and me who are getting old
It’s better to say "I’m fine" with a grin
Than to let folks know the shape we are in
How do I know that my youth is all spent
Well, my get up and go has got up and went.
But I really don’t mind when I think with a grin
Of all the grand places my “got up” has bin
Old age is golden I’ve heard it said
But sometimes I wonder and get into bed
With my ears in the drawer, my teeth in a cup
My specs on the table until I get up.
Ere sleep overtakes me I say to myself
Is there anything else I could lay on the shelf?
When I was young my slippers were red
I could kick my heels right over my head
When I was older my slippers were blue
But I still could dance the whole night through.
Now I am older my slippers are black
I walk to the shop and puff my way back
I get up each morning and dust off my wits
And pick up the paper to read the obits.
If my name is still missing I know I’m not dead
And so I have breakfast and go back to bed.

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Bottom of the Barrel – Peter McKellar sent a whole page of excruciatingly awful jokes for which I am sure he will do several billion millennia in purgatory. I’d heard all of them (I too, have sinned!) except this one.
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Peter also sent this one, which has been on Rumors before, but it is so deliciously egregious I had to run it again.
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
"I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it," said Croesus.
“But. . .but. . . I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus smiled gently. "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Preaching Materials for February 24th, 2008

R U M O R S #
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor

PUSILANIMOUS POLARITIES
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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A few folks have been confused, and for that our apologies.
Rumors now works on two lectionaries, the Revised Common Lectionary and the Story Lectionary. The Story Lectionary has only one reading, and the Revised Common has four. There’ll be comment on all of them in every issue.
If you are interested in the Story Lectionary, please go to the website (www.story-lectionary.com) and read “Policies and Principles.”
It’ll save you a lot of head-scratching.

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Courtesy of “Christianity Today” here’s a list of precautions you can take to make sure you don’t miss an issue of Rumors. Please add Rumors@joinhands.com to your good list. Or “Approved list,” or whatever it is called.
* In AOL 9.0 it’s called the Address Book
* In Hotmail: Safe List
* In Yahoo: Add to your address book. If you find it in the bulk mail folder, click on the link "This is not spam." After that it will come to your inbox.
* Some Spam Filters: White list

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Next Week’s Readings – simply wrong
The Story Lectionary – the wise and the foolish
Rumors – pictures lie
Soft Edges – the older generation
Bloopers – pasted away
We Get Letters – sponsored links
Mirabile Dictu! – smuggling diamonds
Bottom of the Barrel – give me that low-cal religion
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – This from Evelyn McLachlan.
A pastor, a rabbi, and a priest all walk into a bar. The bartender rolls his eyes and says, "Oh no...Not this joke again!"

And here’s another one from Peggy Neufeldt
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race come about?'
“God made Adam and Eve,” said mother. “And they had children and so all humankind was made.”
Two days later the little girl asks her father the same question.
“Many years ago there were monkeys,” said dad, “And we developed from them.”
The confused girl went back to her mother. “Mom,” she asked, “how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and dad says we developed from monkeys?”
“It’s very simple, dear. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side.”

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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, February 24, if you are using the new Story Lectionary or the Revised Common Lectionary. It is the Third Sunday of Lent.

The Story Lectionary (www.story-lectionary.com)
Matthew 25:31-46 – Bev and I were worshipping at The Church of the Painted Hills in Tucson, Arizona, last Sunday. We fled the Canadian snow banks to catch a few rays and spend a bit of time with our astronomer son Mark who lives here.
In a Study Group at that church, a new friend and I were talking about the destructive adversarial nature of our politics – specifically the primaries that are happening all over the US.
“Wouldn’t it be nice,” we were saying to each other, “if politicians such as Clinton and Obama could get together and share their strengths, rather than shooting at each others’ weaknesses?” The same kind of question could be asked of any political struggle anywhere.
Wouldn’t it be nice if TV and radio talk shows and newspaper reporters didn’t routinely choose the extreme positions around any issue to report on, so that we could more readily see the various nuances?
I don’t believe that people can be divided neatly into “sheep” and “goats,” or “wise” and “foolish.”
Such polarities are simply wrong.
They are handy. They are neat. They are easier to deal with. Easier to preach about. They get audience for the media.
But they are wrong! There is no such thing as a human being who is all bad, any more than there is a human being who is all good.

You can find a children’s story based on this reading (“Being Kind to God.” page 242) in The Lectionary Story Bible Year A, Wood Lake Publications. If you don’t already own the book, click on: http://tinyurl.com/2lonod.

The Revised Common Lectionary
Exodus 17:1-7 – I read this passage and immediately got up to get a drink of water.
I am writing this in Tucson, Arizona where Bev and I are staying with our son Mark for a few weeks to soak up a bit of sun. Our semi-desert where we live in the Okanagan Valley of BC is positively verdant compared to the landscape around here.
But I’ve been to the Sinai desert where this story is located. The Sinai makes southern Arizona look lush.
Few of us know what it’s like to be really thirsty. I’m not talking about the kind of thirst that sent me to the kitchen for a drink just now. I’m talking about the desperate, life-threatening thirst of the kind that is crazy-making – that drives people to desperation. We can manage without food for a lot longer than we can manage without water.
The Israelites in this story are not just being cranky because they’re a bit warm and a cool drink would go down nicely. They’re telling Moses to find water or they will all die and the first one to die will be Moses because it’s his job to find water.
Which he did, and the Israelites called it a miracle, which it surely was – whether it was God, or Moses’ knowledge of the desert.
And if this story is a metaphor of our search for the “water of life” – the awareness of the Spirit that makes the difference between life and death – it helps us understand just how deeply, desperately serious that search is for many people.
There are those who predict that the next world war will be fought over water. There’s already lots of evidence to show they may be right.

Psalm 95 – A Gift in the Rock
paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 Come and climb up to the top of the rock;
Stand on top, and stretch your arms out to the sky.
2 Reach out to the holiness that wraps its breath around you.
In grateful silence, soak up the shining light of life.
3 God is the rock upon which we live;
4 All the earth is God's:
From ocean abyss to mountain pinnacle,
6 From polar ice field to tropical rain forest,
God lives in every subtle link of life.
6 Bow your head before the wonder of it all;
Feel the strength of the rock rise through your feet.
7 We are not alone;
We are one in God.
Lichens and trees, ants and people –
All are held in the palm of God's hand.
8 Do not isolate yourself from God's creation.
Do not consider your own concerns first.
9 You will cut yourself off from God who created you;
You will think of yourself as god.
10 Your struggles will lead you further astray;
You will sink further into a morass of your own making.
11 In your loneliness, you will begin to believe that there is no God;
You will never know the peace that passes understanding.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

Romans 5:1-11 – There’s a lot of theology in this passage that I simply set aside, and I focus on the theme of reconciliation.
I have a friend who talked with me recently about her relationship with her estranged son. They’d had an argument about politics that opened up a chasm between them. But the mother wasn’t at all concerned that her son see the “rightness” of her argument. She simply wanted to be reconciled. If that meant agreeing with him, so be it. The relationship was more important to her than being right.
My friend Julian of Norwich writes with deep passion about a God who yearns, who aches, who cries out for our love – just as we, when we are open to hear the cry of our own heart, yearn, ache, cry out for God’s love.
Paul’s passage reflects that yearning for the consummation of love – our love and God’s love – even when we invent elaborate and sometimes bizarre theologies to explain the unexplainable.

John 4:5-42 – The radical nature of this story is easy to miss. If this happened in my town or yours, it wouldn’t raise a ripple. It’s no wonder Jesus got into trouble with the authorities. Jesus is whacking away at a batch of social taboos, any one of which would have gotten him into trouble.
1) He talks to a Samaritan. 2) He talks to a woman. 3) He talks to a woman when there is no one around to chaperone. 4) He talks theology with a woman. 5) He talks to a woman who is ostracized in her own community because of her life-style.
John’s book is a gospel of “signs” that Jesus was the Messiah, and this story (whether it is historical or not doesn’t matter) shows that the early church remembered Jesus as a social radical who wasn’t likely to wind up settling in the suburbs and raising 2.5 cute, intelligent children.
This story is a sign that the writer of John’s gospel thinks of Jesus as a radical feminist and social libertarian, and develops his material accordingly.

There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday – usually two and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address and search for “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod

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Rumors – I’m an amateur photographer. I’m more serious about it than most snapshooters but I’m a long way from being a pro.
One of the reasons I like taking pictures is that it helps me see. Freeman Paterson, a much published Canadian photographer, wrote a fine book called, “Photography and the Art of Seeing.” When I’m taking pictures I notice tiny flowers, creases in an old man’s face, a skip in the walk of a child, an almost tear in the eye of a woman.
When I take a picture, I’m isolating a moment. A fraction of a second of life bounded by a four-sided frame. Photography helps me see those crystal clear vignettes of life.
Lies! Of course those photos are all lies. They cut snippets out of space and time that help me see more clearly, but also hide the world that gave them life.
In my comments on the “Sheep and Goats” parable above, I was fulminating about media people who insist on over-simplifying complex issues and pigeon-holing complex people. I understand why they do that. I understand why so many biblical incidents and stories slot people into “bad” and “good.” I did that myself in my years as a reporter and TV producer.
There’s enough nuance – enough complexity of human life to write a book – behind a simple traffic accident. But the reporter has to squeeze that story into a short newspaper article or a 40 second TV clip. It always is both truth and lie.
It’s not much different for the Sunday sermon.
A preacher friend was asked once, “Do you preach the whole gospel?”
“Not every Sunday,” was her honest response.
To take a photograph we put it in a frame. To diagnose disease, we need a microscope. To make a story, we boil and scrape till every bit of fat is rendered.
But in the telling, we must make sure the people know that we shine the spotlight on the particular, so that the whole may be illuminated.
And always, always let us keep in our minds and hearts the twin graces of every preacher story-teller – humility and humor.

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
The Older Generation
We had two significant deaths in our family in January. My aunt Eleanor, aged 99, died in Toronto. Four days later, Joan’s uncle Bob, aged 80, died in Edmonton.
Those two were the last surviving members of our parents’ generation.
Suddenly, Joan and I find ourselves The Older Generation.
I’ve spent over 70 years thinking of myself as The Younger Generation. For most of that time, I was. I had elders around; I tried to live up to their expectations.
Even when my parents died – my mother in 1972, my father in 1998 – I still had aunts and uncles, an older generation whose memories went back farther than my own, who provided stability and continuity...
That awareness gave me the freedom to be a radical – or at least, to pretend to be a radical. I never joined a commune, for example; never smoked pot; never grew my hair down the middle of my back. But in my own way, I could be a rebel against the status quo, a doubter, a skeptic, a woodpecker knocking chips of the immoveable mass of conventional wisdom. I drove impractical sports cars instead of Chev sedans; I freelanced instead of drawing a regular pay cheque...
And suddenly, the rock that sheltered me is gone.
No, suddenly I am expected to be the rock that shelters the new Younger Generation.
It’s not a role I feel comfortable with.
You’ve seen those desktop gadgets that are supposed to divert executives from the boredom of managing million-dollar corporations, the little toys where a tiny diver or angel or something equally improbable circles out on the end of a very long shaft, balanced by a heavy blob at the other end, and the whole thing sways and swivels on a pointed post that isn’t in the middle where it should be?
I’ve thought of myself as the whirligig out on the end, zipping around at great speeds generating wild ideas. But the whirligig can only stay up if it is balanced by the stability of the solid mass at the other end.
That solid mass was the Older Generation, whom I have counted on all these years.
Now, I am the Older Generation.
Instead of having mentors who can keep me from straying too far from the center, I’m being seen as a mentor for others. Sometimes I even hear myself saying, “The last time we tried that...” or “The reason we did it that way...”
As we age, everyone eventually reaches an awareness of mortality. You can’t pass 70 without realizing that your future is no longer unlimited. However many years I have left – two, ten, or twenty – the number is finite.
But the awareness hits home more powerfully when I realize that my generation – which in our family consists of just Joan and me, because neither of us have any siblings – will be, in the normal course of events, be the next to go.
It’s a sobering realization.

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Werner Fast “got a letter informing us of the death of an aunt. They said ‘she pasted away.’ In spite of the gravity of the news,” says Werner, “it made me chuckle.”
Werner, you were right to laugh even in your sadness. Laughter is not the opposite of seriousness. Laughter is the opposite of despair.

From the file:
* The District Superintendent will be meeting with the church bored.
* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
source unknown, via Rob Brown

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Winston Churchill via Jim Taylor

The function of silence in the life of the privileged is to be able to hear the voices of the oppressed and to change things.
source unknown

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We Get Letters – Rod Ferguson reports that he’s been receiving “sponsored links” when he downloads Rumors from the blog. “I guess Google has assessed Rumours as religious. There is some quite nasty stuff there, but you know – freedom of the worldwide web and all.”
Thanks for that “heads up,” Rod. Rumors sponsors no link or other commercial content other than to Wood Lake Publications, a Christian publishing house founded by the Milton and Taylor families 20+ years ago, and which provides the server and technical support for Rumors.

Donna Snow of Springdale, Newfoundland writes: “I've heard of many types of lawyers, but "cannon lawyers"? You referred to Nicodemus as being one of that sort. Perhaps they enjoy taking "shots" at one another more than the other types of lawyers.”
And Arthur Hebbeler writes: “Nicodemus the systematic theologian. The cannon lawyer. I bet he made a big bang!”
Donna. Arthur. I am sitting here whimpering like and injured puppy. I am the victim of an over-zealous spell checker. I do know the difference between a “cannon” and a “canon.” Yes I do! A number of my friends are big guns in the Anglican Church who make very sure I know such things.

George Brigham of Shipley, West Yorkshire, England sends this interesting bit of useless inspiration that would make a good “filler” in a March newsletter or bulletin.
Isn’t Easter Early?
Easter Day is 23 March and is almost as early as it can be this year. The earliest possible date is 22 March as Easter is always on the first Sunday after the first full moon on or after March 21.
This means that there are 35 possible dates, but Easter has not fallen on the earliest date since 1818, and will not do so again until 2285. It will not fall on 23 March again until 2160.
Easter last fell on the latest possible date, April 25, in 1943 and will next fall on that date in 2038. However, it will fall on April 24, just one day before the latest possible date, in 2011.
Someone has worked out that the cycle of Easter dates repeats after exactly 5,700,000 years, with April 19 being the most common date, happening 220,400 times.

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Smuggling Diamonds!”) This from Rob Brown in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.
Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity!!
* At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down
* Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
* Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
* Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For three Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
* In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
* Finish All Your sentences with< face="Arial" color="#ff0080" size="5"> "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
* As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
* Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat. Look serious.
* Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
* Sing Along At The Opera.
* Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
* Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
* When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
* When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
* Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
* Capitalize Almost All of Your Words Whenever You Write Something. If Someone asks Why, Tell Them It’s In The Bible. Leviticus 1:5.

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Bottom of the Barrel – Give Me That Low-cal Religion
Has the heaviness of your old fashioned church got you weighed down? Try us! We are the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley.
Studies have shown we have 24% fewer commitments than other churches. We guarantee to trim off guilt, because we are Low-Cal – low Calvin, that is.
We are the home of the 7.5% tithe. We promise 35 minute worship services, with 7 minute sermons.
Next Sunday’s exciting text is the story of the Feeding of the 50. We have only 6 Commandments – your choice!! There is just one gospel in our contemporary New Testament “Good Sound Bites for Modern Human Beings.”
We take the offering every other week, all major credit cards accepted, of course. We are looking forward with great anticipation to our 800-year Millennium. Yes, the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley could be just what you are looking for.
We are everything you want in a church – and less!!

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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Preaching Materials for February 17

R U M O R S # 488
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-02-10

February 10th, 2008

OUR MOST TREASURED GIFTS
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As you’ve probably concluded by now, I will be commenting each week on the readings from the Revised Common Lectionary as well as the Story Lectionary. This week there’s a good connection between the two, but mostly they’ll be off in different directions.
The Story Lectionary is not intended as a replacement to the RCL, but as a supplement. If you’ve not already done so, please go to the Story Lectionary site (click on www.story-lectionary.com ) and read our rationale for doing this.
When you’re doing that, please excuse a few glitches and aberrations that are still there. It’s very much a “work in progress.”

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Next Week’s Readings – a parable turned on its head
Rumors – the good guys and the bad guys
Soft Edges – who owns your name?
Good Stuff – tradition
Bloopers – the foolish virgins
We Get Letters – the story lectionary
Mirabile Dictu! – life explained
Bottom of the Barrel – head coverings
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – This from Carl Boyke who got it from ArcaMax Jokes. They got it from some old joke book, because it’s been around since Moses was a pup. But it’s good enough to repeat from time to time.

A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning".
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give to my minister".
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, February 17th, if your church is using the Story Lectionary or the Revised Common Lectionary.
This is the second Sunday of Lent.

The Story Lectionary
Matthew 25:1-13 – The Wise and the Foolish Bridesmaids
Managing your affairs carefully is a virtue. Any virtue carried to an extreme becomes a vice.
In this story, “Alice” is an amalgam of several people I know.
Alice manages her affairs very well. Exceptionally well. Perfectly, in fact.
Alice will probably never be a victim of credit card fraud because she only has one card and she uses that rarely. She pays all her bills on time. She is insured against everything. Her home is well secured with double locks on every door and bars on the windows. If she has to travel somewhere for her work, she always has enough clean clothes to meet every situation.
Alice is not married. She does not have a “significant other.” She had a child who grew up to be somewhat eccentric, and the two are now estranged. So she makes sure that doesn’t happen again by not allowing any relationships to develop.
Alice is like one of the wise bridesmaids. Her lamp is always filled and her wick is always trimmed and she is always well prepared and never late for anything.
Alice wants to be sure nothing bad or inconvenient ever happens to her. And it probably won’t. She will never grieve the loss of anyone or anything.
Alice turns the bridesmaid story on its head.
Any virtue, carried to an extreme, becomes a vice.

(For a creative “reader’s theatre” way to present this Story Lectionary reading, preaching ideas from Jim Taylor, creative worship thoughts from Linnea Good, plus an additional story on the theme, click on www.storylectionary.com.)

Revised Common Lectionary:
Genesis 12:1-4a – Bev and I will have been married 50 years this summer. We still read this story differently. She wants to know how Sara felt about Abe’s vision. Because Sara would have to organize the packing and the yard sale and think about all the stuff that needs to be thought about so that the trip doesn’t turn into total chaos.
For every Mary who sits at the feet of Christ and strains to follow his dreams, his thoughts, his possibilities, there needs to be a Martha who remembers to pack a lunch.
In our life together, there have been many times when I’ve taken off after a dream, a vision, a possibility. In every instance, Bev made it possible. Bev’s second name should have been Martha. Or Sara.
In this story from Genesis – in fact in most of the stories in the Bible or stories we tell from the pulpit – it’s the Mary’s and the Abrams that get the credit. It’s the Marthas and the Saras and the Bevs that make it possible.

Psalm 121 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 Let others seek their gods in the executive suite;
Let them put their faith in rising to the top.
2 I know where my help comes from;
It comes from the one who made heaven and earth.
3 This God watches over every aspect of creation;
As a doting parent tends a toddler, God holds out a hand when we stumble;
God will not let you fall.
4 God does not play off one person against another.
God has no favorites;
God never tires of caring.
5 God's compassion is as constant as the attention of a bedside nurse;
6 No crisis can destroy you;
Even if you lose loved ones, career, or health,
7 if you retain your relationship with God, you will not be embittered;
You can emerge from the experience a better person.
8 Wherever you go, whatever you do, God will watch over you.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

Romans 4:1-5, 13-17 – If you read the whole passage, it’s easy to see why the Lectionary folks left out verses 6-12. It’s all that messy stuff about circumcision. That’s not a significant issue for most folks in the mainline churches. (I tried talking about circumcision to a men’s group once, and all the guys crossed their legs and looked at the ceiling.)
But it was an issue for folks in Paul’s day, and so he was right in addressing it. What he is getting at, is the difficult idea that the gift of God’s promise is not there for us because of what we do. Or what we say. Or the kind of work we do or don’t do. Or the condition of our genitals nor (by extension I think) the way we express our sexuality.
But love – God’s love or human love – isn’t something we can just pick up because it has no price tag attached. The only way to receive love is to give love, and then it becomes like an alternating current, flowing back and forth, and empowering our whole lives.

John 3:1-17 (or Matthew 17:1-9) – Many years ago in Glasgow I overheard a conversation between two professional sports commentators. There was an American who specialized in baseball. And an Englishman who did cricket.
Each was trying to persuade the other of the superiority of their game. But both these professional communicators were missing each other totally. Neither understood anything the other said. Nor did they really want to.
A little like this conversation between Jesus and Nicodemus. Jesus, the visionary. The mystic.
Nicodemus the systematic theologian. The cannon lawyer.
Let’s not get down on poor Nic because he couldn’t really figure out what Jesus was talking about. When Jesus talked about being born again, Nicodemus quite rightly thought this was ludicrous.
But let’s not get down on Jesus either. He couldn’t understand how Nicodemus missed his powerful metaphor.
What does it take for two such people to really understand each other?

There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. For Lent 2, check out:
Abraham and Sarah Begin a Journey (Genesis), page 80
Nicodemus Comes to See Jesus (John), page 82.
The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A includes the marvellous illustrations by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click on the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or this address which takes you directly to the part of the site advertising the book.
http://www.woodlakebooks.com/search_results.taf?site_uid1=14958&hallway_uid1=14961&search_id=&catalog_uid1=&link_type_uid1=&person_id=&u_currency_id=127
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Rumors – In the old western movies, you could always tell the good guys. They wore white hats. The bad guys wore black hats.
In the police-detective movie, the good guys had the brims on their hats turned up. The bad guys had them turned down.
In musicals, the bad guys sang baritone or bass. The good guys sang tenor.
Everything was nice and clear. Bad guys did bad things, but the good guys always won the final fight and they always got the girl.
Even some of the Bible stories are like that. In the story of the bridesmaids at the wedding banquet, they are wise or foolish. Nothing in between.
I don’t know anyone who could be described with only one word like “good” or “bad.” Even the worst and best people I can imagine. Even Jean Vanier (the founder of L’Arche) and Robert Picton (a mass murderer).
We hardly ever have to deal with extreme cases like that. We deal with people like those bridesmaids. The good and prudent ones had their lamps full and their wicks trimmed and spent most of the banquet looking down their long, collective noses as the other girls.
The foolish ones who forgot because they had been helping the sick friend down the street or taking care of the neighbor’s baby – they stood outside the banquet hall making snotty remarks about “goody-two-shoes” inside who thought she was so precious.
Like the two sportscasters, like Nicodemus and Jesus, they didn’t really take the time to get inside each other’s minds and hearts.
And all of them were the poorer for it.
Bev, our son Mark and I spent the afternoon at Kartchner Caverns here in Arizona. During the first part of the tour through this utterly amazing place, the guide explained the science of how dissolved limestone created such marvels. During the last part of the tour, we sat and watched the lights play on those astonishingly beautiful creations while music with a distinctly religious flavor played.
Nicodemus would have liked the first part of that tour. Jesus might well have been moved to tears by the second.
Our creator God never seems to do anything more than once. Every human – like every stalactite, every tree, every flower – is absolutely unique. “Identical” twins aren’t. And in our painful, struggling, hurting world, few things seem more necessary today than that we overcome our differences – of race, religion – everything.
No. That’s not enough.
We need to celebrate those differences. Love those differences. Value them. Treasure them. Even when we don’t understand them. Especially when we don’t understand them.
When our deepest differences become our most treasured gifts, then we will know something of the graceful promise that Abraham and Sarah heard – that Paul preached.

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Who Owns Your Name?
Maclean’s magazine sent me a free copy. I was actually tempted to subscribe – especially at one-eighth the regular newsstand price.
Then I looked at the cover letter. It was addressed to “Jim & Taylor.”
Not “Jim Taylor.” Not “Jim & Joan Taylor.” But “Jim & Taylor.”
“Oh, that,” said Joan when I pointed out the mistake to her. “We get quite a few pieces of mail with that address. Someone’s got us on a mailing list that they’re selling around...”
Canada’s privacy laws forbid the use of personal data without that person’s explicit consent. All the charities Joan and I support, all the companies we have shares in, send us annual assurances that they retain our personal information only for their own internal operations, and that they do not release that information to any unrelated organizations.
But someone is making a profit out of selling my name – even if they get it wrong – to organizations like Maclean’s.
If I could find out who’s doing it, I could object. I could demand that they remove my name. I could report them to Canada’s Privacy Commissioner. I could refuse to support any of the charities they service. I could sell my shares in protest...
But they didn’t ask if they could take my name in vain. So there’s no one to retaliate against.
The episode made me wonder who owns a name. Companies can trademark names like Coca Cola, Kleenex, and Aspirin. Individuals can’t.
If someone else wants to call himself “Jim Taylor,” I can’t stop him.
The letters that make up our names are in public domain. In our language, all names are permutations and combinations of just 26 letters. On our recent holiday, Joan Taylor met new friend Jann Taylor. Their names vary by just one letter.
Certainly, Joan and I don’t own the street address to which Maclean’s sent their promotion mailing. For the time being, we have exclusive use of that address. But when we die or move, the address will stay here; it will “belong” to someone new.
Do any of us truly “own” anything?
North American civilization takes private ownership as an unquestionable axiom. If you own land, for example, you can do almost anything you want on it – log it, bulldoze it, blast it, ignore it – as long as your activities are not specifically illegal.
We extend that notion to national sovereignty. How we treat native people, poor people, women, gays, convicts, is nobody’s business but our own.
Although it’s rarely stated explicitly, we also tend to treat the planet as the private property of humans, to do with as we wish.
But if I don’t own my address – if I may not even have exclusive ownership of my own name – maybe the model is more like leasing than owning.
Perhaps, like leasing a car, we only have temporary rights to use certain names and spaces. Then we have to pass them on in good condition to the next user.

If you have comments or questions about Jim’s column, write to him directly at jimt@quixotic.ca. Jim also does another weekly column called “Sharp Edges” which is published in our daily newspaper. It has a stronger political-social justice content. If you’d like to receive Sharp Edges, send Jim a note at the address above. Or go to Jim’s web page at: http://edges.canadahomepage.net/index.php . Click on Sharp Edges or Soft Edges or whatever else you might like to read.

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Good Stuff – This from Pat Hughes of Millet, Alberta
Tradition
During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up. The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98 year old man who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.
The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"
"No, that is not the tradition," said the old man.
"Then the tradition is to sit during Shema!"
"No,” said the elder. “That is not the tradition."
"But the congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand."
"That,” shouted the old man, “is the tradition!"

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Someone sent this in eons ago. It simply had to be included in this issue.
The minister was preaching to a conference of young men. His text was the story of the “bridesmaids.” Or “virgins” in the King James Bible. “I ask you,” intoned the preacher. “Would your rather be with the wise virgins in the light of day, or with the foolish virgins in the dark?”

April Daley saw this in an obituary. The deceased “. . . enjoyed hunting, fishing, howling. . .” April thinks they may have meant bowling, but I like “howling” better.

Bruce Small says he photocopied a grace to be sung at a church supper. The tune was Edelweiss. The second-last line read, "bless our fiends, bless our food / May we serve You forever."
Well Bruce, the commandment is to “love your enemies,” which I’m sure includes fiends as well as friends.

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – When you were born you came into this world crying and your family was smiling. Live your life so that when it is your time to leave, you are the one smiling and everyone else is crying.
source unknown via Wayne Seybert

We don’t see things as they are. We see things as we are.
Anaïs Nin

I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.
Thomas Jefferson

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We Get Letters – Lots of enthusiastic letters this week about the Story Lectionary. Seems we’re scratching where some folks itch.

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Life Explained!”) This from Sharon Taylor of Edmonton who is Jim Taylor’s daughter. All of us should be very grateful that Sharon has taken the time from her busy schedule to explain life to us. Read, mark and inwardly digest this, and you will have no more problems in life.

On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
“That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.”
“Monkey tricks for twenty years?” asked the chimp. “That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?”
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
“Whoa!” said the cow. “That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created the human and said: “'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.”
“Only twenty years?” wailed the human. “Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
“Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information,” says Sharon. “I'm doing it as a public service.”

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Bottom of the Barrel – This also from Pat Hughes of Millet, Alberta.
David lived in a very observant Jewish household. When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realized he didn't have his head covered. So he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over. Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand.
"This is important,” said the father. “Put your hand back on his head!"
"What?” demanded Henry. “Am I my brother's kippa?"*

*A “kippa” is a skullcap worn by Jewish men and boys.

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