Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Preaching Materials for August 9, 2009

R U M O R S # 563
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-08-02

August 2, 2009

A PARENT CRIES FOR A CHILD
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.

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The Story – a father and son
Rumors – Tamar, Absalom and David
Soft Edges – blessings and curses
Bloopers – people in the pasture
We Get Letters – preaching on peanut butter
Mirabile Dictu! – avoid clichés
Bottom of the Barrel – God is learning
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – 2 Samuel 18:5-9, 15, 31-33
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – Nicole Bourassa-Burke of Scarborough, Ontario tells the story of a “homeless man, down on his luck, who went into a church that was known for its rather ‘uppity’ social reputation. Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help.
“I was praying,” said the homeless man, “and God told me to come to this church.” “Well,” said the ushers. “Perhaps you should go back and pray some more. You may get a different answer.”
The next Sunday the man was there again, and again the ushers stopped him at the door.
“Well, did you get a different answer?” they asked him. “Yes, I did,” said the man. “I told God that you don’t want me here, but God said, ‘Keep trying, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it either.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, August 9th, which is Proper 14 [19].
* 2 Samuel 18:5-9, 15, 31-33
* Psalm 130
* Ephesians 4:25-5:2
* John 6:35, 41-51

The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – 2 Samuel 18:5-9, 15, 31-33

Jim says–
Bible commentaries draw parallels between Jesus and his distant ancestor, King David. I’ve sometimes wondered, though, why preachers ignore the parallels between Jesus and David’s handsome, headstrong son, Absalom.
· Both are of the lineage of David.
· Both had a famous father.
· Both were next in line to the throne: Absalom as the oldest son; Jesus as the only son.
· Both got hung up in a tree: Absalom by his hair, Jesus by his wrists.
· Both died in/on that tree.
· Both had spears stuck in their sides.
· Both were killed to protect national interests.
Absalom tried to usurp his father's throne. Although David requested mercy for his son, loyalist soldiers killed the rebel. Some 20,000 soldiers had lost their lives fighting over this man. To return him safely to the king’s favor would be like Churchill inviting Hitler to join a post-war cabinet.
Granted, Jesus did not rebel against God. But the people who killed him may well have thought that his famous "I am..." assertions (in John) were an attempt to take God’s place. He used the name (Exodus 3) that was so sacred that no mortal was allowed to say it.
I don't argue that today’s texts SHOULD be interpreted this way. But COULD they be?
Does Absalom foreshadow Jesus? Was Jesus killed, like Absalom, by over-zealous defenders of the faith?
And when Jesus died, did a great haunting cry of pain ring through the farthest recesses of heaven: "Oh, my son, my son, Jesus, would that I had died instead of you..."?
Ralph says –
When I read this passage I can’t help but think of my son Lloyd who died by his own hand after years of rebellion and dysfunction.
It wasn’t his fault. His birth mother gave him the legacy of fetal alcohol syndrome. And where did her alcoholism come from? From a legacy of pain and dysfunction from the way we treated First Nations people over many generations.
That experience has led me into conversations with many other parents who have echoed the cry of David for his child.
I’m feeling the pain of that experience more strongly than normal because yesterday I had a phone call from my sister to say that her son had died. From heart failure.
Any parent who experiences the death of their child feels the pain more acutely and deeply because there seems to be something deeply wrong about it. It’s we, the older ones who should die first.
Parents should not have to experience the death of their children. And when they do, especially if that child has been a rebel, they echo David’s cry, “My child, my child, would that I had died instead of you.”

Psalm 130:1-8 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
A woman described her clinical depression as a deep black pit with shiny walls, too smooth for her to climb.
1 From the bottom of a deep black pit, God, I shout at you.
2 The walls rise above my head, shutting out the light.
Can you hear me, God?
I can't get out by my own efforts.
3 I've tried and tried. I climb part way out,
and then I slide back again to the bottom.
Without your help, I'm sunk forever.
4 Don't judge me–forgive me!
Free me from my secret faults.
Give me another chance!
5 I shall down in the depths of the pit and wait for your decision.
6 Like parents staying up until a teenager comes home,
like a puppy poised for its master's footstep,
I wait for your response.
I know I will not be disappointed.
7 Put your hope in the Lord.
You will not be disappointed either.
8 God can free us from our failures,
and save us from our successes.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

Ephesians 4:25-5:2 – Whenever there is a “therefore” or a “so then” it’s important to go back and check what’s gone before. In this case, it’s a recounting of the unity of the body of Christ, and how God made that happen.
Otherwise, this passage might just be a list of rules, to which a legitimate question might be “Why?” The theme here is the building up of the body of Christ and what the gathered community must do to make that body live.

John 6:35, 41-51 – This passage suffers a bit from the writer’s tendency toward theological jargon.
It is still ringing changes on the “bread” theme, and reminds us that we are always searching, even though we have more “stuff” than any generation before us. I need to remind myself over and over that my standard of living is higher than that of Henry VIII or Elizabeth I. And here in Canada, that would be described as “lower middle-class.”
The bread metaphor reminds us to yearn for that which truly satisfies. I know that whenever I get something new – a new camera or a new car or whatever – I’m delighted by the newness and all the things it can do. But that wears off very soon and then offers no more satisfaction than whatever it replaced.

In “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” you’ll find a story on page 172 titled “King David’s Son” which is based on the passage from 2 Samuel. And right after that on page 174 there’s a story called “Some People Won’t Listen” based on the John passage.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod

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Rumors – The lectionary very neatly jumps right from Nathan’s confrontation of David to the battle with Absalom. And in the process it avoids embarrassment by leaving out the story of the rape of Tamar. Dare we say there might have been a bit of sexism involved in that?
Sixteen years ago (Can it really be that long?) I wrote a book for men titled “Man to Man,” and I’ve been feeding you bits from that book as we deal with the story of David. The rift between David and Absalom goes back to that incident with Tamar. Here’s how I told that story.

There was little time for wives and babies. David had his work to do.
Joab sent word asking David to come and help fight the Ammonites. "If you don't come and help, I'll take their city and name it after myself," which sounded to David like a bit of power politics. David knew that Joab was not above making a run for David's job, so David did what he had always done so well. He took charge of the operation himself, beat up on the Ammonite cities in the region, took out everything of value, burned them down, killed most of the people, and came home feeling exhilarated. Very masculine. And almost totally exhausted.
Maybe that's why he made such a botch of handling the whole business with his son Amnon and his daughter Tamar.
"Kids," David grumped. "What can you tell them?"
They weren't kids, of course. They were full-grown adults with their gonads goading them into actions that were sometimes despicable. Amnon, David's eldest son, had the hots for his half-sister Tamar. In fact, he made himself sick thinking about her. So he hatched a scheme to get her alone.
Amnon put on an elaborate show of being deathly ill. Naturally King David came to see his son when he heard he was sick. "Anything I can get for you?" he asked.
"Oh yes, father. Could you ask Tamar to come and make me some food. That would be so good."
David should have seen through the silly plot, but he was thinking of wars and politics and found it much easier to avoid contact with his many children. So he told Tamar to go fix some food for Amnon.
Which of course she did. She had no choice. But Amnon pushed the food aside. "I can't eat with all these people around, Tamar," he whined. "Get them out of here so there's just you and me. Then I can relax and eat."
Tamar had no sooner shut the door than Amnon grabbed her. "Come on, sis! Let's do it! I can tell you really want it."
"No! Don't do it, my brother," Tamar pleaded. "Please. Don't! You'll ruin my whole life if you do this. Please!"
But Amnon was stronger than Tamar. Forcing her down on the floor, he raped her.
Tamar lay there, sobbing. Amnon stood up panting. "Get up and get out of here, slut!" he yelled.
"You're just going to use me, then throw me out?" sobbed Tamar. "Don't you realize what you have done to me. Now you're going to throw me out on the street too. What kind of an animal are you?"
"Get this nympho bitch out of here," Amnon yelled to one of the servants. So the servant threw Tamar out and bolted the door after her.
Tamar went to her brother Absalom. She had nowhere else to go. "Well," said Absalom, "he's your brother after all. So don't worry about it, sis. I've got a room in the back of the house you can stay in."
King David of course heard about it, and he was annoyed. But Amnon was his son, his eldest son, and, well, boys will be boys. It's too bad about Tamar, but that's the way things go. Besides, David had more important things on his mind.
Though Absalom had told Tamar to "forget it," he couldn't. He had Tamar there in house, walking around looking like the ruined woman that she was. It took him two full years of stewing about it to get up the nerve, and then he had his servants go and kill Amnon in revenge for what Amnon had done to Tamar.
None of which helped Tamar. Or Absalom who now became a fugitive, on the run from his father who had just lost his crown prince. All of which had David raging around the palace at those "damn crazy kids!"‑an anger that was fueled by his suppressed knowledge that he could have prevented the violent destruction of Tamar if he had acted with courage and integrity.
General Joab didn't like what was happening to David and to the politics of the palace. It was important for the welfare of the kingdom to get things back on track, to arrange some kind of reconciliation between David and Absalom. Joab wasn't all that concerned about the issues of justice involved. He just wanted political stability, and family feuds in the palace were not helpful.
Joab went to the town of Tekoa, to get the help of a woman who had a nation-wide reputation for her wisdom. Joab hired her to help solve the problem between David and Absalom.
Maybe the woman had heard how Nathan had handled the rape of Bathsheba. At any rate, she went to David and told him an elaborate story about her two sons, how they fought and one of them got killed, and so the relatives wanted revenge and that would leave her with no sons at all.
David got sucked right into the story. "Two wrongs don't make a right," David pronounced. "Revenge requires more revenge and the whole thing never stops. Tell your relatives to cool it. If they hurt that son of yours, they'll have to answer to me for it."
"Right," said the woman. "Now why don't you live by the same reasoning? Bring your son back into the palace. Two wrongs don't make a right, and a third one even less so."
The king was silent for awhile. "It was Joab who sent you, right?"
"You're the king," said the woman, sitting back. "You know everything."
Another silence. Like Nathan, the woman of Tekoa struggled between her courage and her fear, knowing that at that moment, her life was totally in King David's hands.
"You're right. Of course you're right," said David at last.
But it never really worked out. There were hugs and kisses and tears and apologies. Absalom came back to live in Jerusalem, but the damage had been done. David had never really been a father to his sons, so the reconciliation could not recreate a relationship that had never existed. Everyone could see the tension whenever David and Absalom spoke to each other.
Soon Absalom was plotting to take his father's throne. He became very popular with the crowds. Among other things, he was a hunk with an absolutely glorious head of hair. And Absalom would stand around at the city gate shaking hands, greeting people, and explaining how he would run the country so much better than his old man.
Four years later, Absalom made his move. On a visit to nearby Hebron, David's home base, Absalom declared himself king. Now the fat was in the fire.
Soon it became obvious that the weight of political power had shifted. Absalom had gained huge power, and David found himself running for his life. Running from his own son. With thousands of people weeping along the side of the road, David and his soldiers left Jerusalem to Absalom.
Absalom may have gained the power, but David still had the smarts of a political street-fighter. He had never forgotten the tricks he'd learned in all his years of struggle to get power and to keep power. By playing hard on people's loyalties and sympathies, by planting spies and "advisors" around Absalom, and by letting everyone know that he was still God's anointed king, David managed to outflank Absalom.
It ended in one big battle in the forest of Ephraim. It was different than the other wars David had fought. "Those were honorable battles," he thought. "This is a family squabble." He knew there would be no winners in this one, only losers.
As the troops marched by, David spoke to his generals. "Take it easy on Absalom, OK?" he said to them. "After all, he is my son."
A forest is not a good place for a battle. The forest claimed more lives that day than the sword. And the battle quickly turned against Absalom. Absalom was riding through the forest, when his great head of hair got caught in an oak tree, and he found himself hanging there, unable to move. Joab heard about it, rushed over, and killed him. Then he ordered his men to take Absalom's body and throw it into a pit and pile stones over it.
That was it. With Absalom dead the battle was over. Nothing remained but to tell King David. And David reacted as if he was the loser. Perhaps he was.
"Absalom. Oh my son, Absalom," David wailed. "I wish I had died instead of you. Oh, Absalom, my son, my son."

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Blessings and Curses
All last week, we watched the fire grow across the lake. What started as a spot fire way back in the mountains got out of control.
By Saturday night, July 18, it was sending a great anvil-topped plume of smoke up over the hills, spreading far to the north.
While the news media concentrated on the smaller fires further south in West Kelowna that threatened homes and businesses, the Fintry fire grew. It shrouded the entire valley in smoke. In gusty winds, it surged forward at 30 metres a minute; a trained sprinter might outrun the flames, but few of the rest of us could.
A week ago, Joan and I could see the glow of the flames after dark, on the far side of several ridges, reflected on the underside of the pall of smoke. It looked like a localized sunset.
Finally, rain and cooler weather dampened the fire’s ardor.
The fire – or fires – have been the main topic of conversation for days.
We humans have a fascination with fire. We will sit for hours, staring into a campfire, sharing stories. We barbecue over artificial fire and gather in community as we feast on charred sacrifices. We build kilns for pottery and smelters for ore. We weld and braze and solder, cauterize and sterilize, incinerate and bake...
Perhaps we remember, deep in our DNA, the fire was the first of nature’s forces that we tamed. Distant ancestors brought a few glowing embers home, added extra fuel, fanned flames into life, and suddenly had light and warmth.
Perhaps we also realize, at some subconscious level, that blessings and curses are closely related. Fire can keep our homes comfortable; fire can destroy our homes in seconds. We cook with fire; we can be cooked by fire.
And we also know that the absence of fire can mean death, especially in frigid northern winters.
Perhaps we recognize, intuitively, that too much fire and too little fire are equally hazardous to human well-being. Only the right amount, somewhere between the two extremes, is beneficial.
The same principle applies to other factors. The right dosage of medicine brings health; too much or too little brings death. Too much water drowns; too little dehydrates. Too much food causes obesity; too little, starvation. The principle applies even to love – too little results in neglect, too much smothers.
Like Goldilocks, we need to find a middle ground that is “just right.”
The dilemma has always been to determine how much is “just right.” How much gasoline do we really need to ignite in our cars? How much fossil fuel do we need to burn to generate electricity?
Even life on this planet depends on just the right mix of gases in the atmosphere.
Generally, we have tended to assume that if one aspirin is good, two must be better. So we seek more horsepower. More appliances. More money. More control.
Forest fires demonstrate that even good things, taken to an extreme, may not be good for us.

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Jo Ann Miller found this on a church’s web page. “The first church was founded and pastured by the Reverend W. L. Harris."
Says Jo Ann, “Reverend Harris must have been a ‘good shepherd’ for the ‘flock.’”
It’s also possible, Jo Ann, that the people in that church reminded the good Reverend of a herd of bovines peacefully grazing or lying around chewing their cud.

Velia Watts of Edmonton, Alberta, reports a sign on a repair shop door: “We can repair anything. Please knock. The bell doesn’t work.”

From the file: Hymn: Wise Up, O Men of God!”

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – When you hear someone sigh and say that ‘Life is hard’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’
Sydney J. Harris via Velia Watts of Edmonton, Alberta

The person who sees a need and waits to be asked for help is as unkind as if that person had refused it.
Dante Alighieri via Kris(tine) Bair

There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good morning, Lord,' and there are those who wake up in the morning and say , 'Good Lord, it's morning.' source unknown via Dorothy Harrowing
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We Get Letters – John Robert McFarland writes, “The reference to ‘Dare to be a Daniel’ reminds me of the comment made by Martha Greene when she was preaching to ‘The Academy of Parish Clergy.’ She was accepting the ‘Parish Pastor of the Year Award’.
‘This,’ she said, ‘is like being a lion in a den of Daniels.’”

Noni Dye writes about a quote in last week’s Rumors attributed to Andrew Lang. “I wrote in my study Bible years ago a quote I heard during a lecture: ‘Americans use the Bible like a drunk uses a lamppost.’ It was attributed to William Sloane Coffin. It made sense to me at the time, and still does.”

Dick doesn’t admit to a last name but he lives in Illinois.
He had two hours notice to put together a sermon, so inspired to homiletic heights by Rumors, he “preached on peanut butter sandwiches.” Dick didn’t say how he made the connection, but somehow he worked it in with the "What sign do you need?" quote from the gospel.
“I got some very interesting recipes for PB&J sandwiches, made it interactive and proceeded to reason that we have all the elements in place in a PB&J (grape) sandwich for communion”
“’A straight face?’ you ask. ‘Of course!!! The congregation loved it!’”

Kris(tine) Bair of Wilson, Kansas writes: “Surely it's significant that there wasn't one single feminine pronoun in that entire list of ‘glorious insults’!”

This from April Daily:
Q: What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?A: For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “avoid clichés!”) Paul Wharton describes himself as “As a lover of words.” He and Nicholas McLellan sent this set of “rules of grammar” the same day.
* Avoid alliteration. Always.
* Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
* Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)
* Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
* Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
* It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
* Contractions aren't necessary.
* Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
* One should never generalize.
* Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
* Be more or less specific.
* Understatement is always best.
* Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
* Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
* The passive voice is to be avoided.
* Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
* Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
* Don't never use no double negatives.

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Bottom of the Barrel – The little girl was sitting in her grandfather’s lap as he read her a goodnight story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up and touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by, she was alternately stroking her own cheek and then his again.
Finally, she spoke: “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes,” he said. “God made me, a long time ago.”
“Did God make me, too?” asked the child. “Yes, indeed,” he assured her. “God made you, just a little while ago.” Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “I think God’s getting better at it.”

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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – 2 Samuel 18:5-9, 15, 31-33
Reader 1: I think we’re leaving something out here?
Reader 2: You mean, in the story of King David.
1: Yeah! We’re reading about King David having a battle with his son Absalom. But it doesn’t tell us why they were mad at each other.
2: Maybe the story is a bit too racy – too much sex and violence.
1: In the Bible?
2: Yeah. In the Bible. The stuff in there would make the front pages of the supermarket tabloids if it was happening today.
1: Well, can you give me just a thumb-nail summary?
2: OK. King David had a lot of kids because he had a bunch of wives and concubines.
1: Is a concubine one of those machines the farmers use to harvest their grain?
2: That does not even deserve an answer. OK. Here’s what happened. Amnon was one of King David’s sons. He raped his half-sister Tamar which totally destroyed her life. So Tamar’s brother, Absalom, killed Amnon in revenge. So King David was boiling mad at Absalom who ran off into the countryside. While he was out there, he decided it was time he made a run for the old man’s job, so he got together an army to go and attack Jerusalem and in the process kill his own father. Then Absalom would be king.
1: And that’s where we pick up the story. The king is sending his army out to do battle with the army Absalom has gathered.
2: Reading from the Second Samuel, chapter 18.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)1: The king spoke to his generals.
2: "Deal gently for my sake with the young man Absalom."
1: And all the people heard when the king gave orders to all the commanders concerning Absalom. So the army went out into the field against Israel; and the battle was fought in the forest of Ephraim. The followers of Absalom were defeated there by the servants of David, and the slaughter there was great on that day, twenty thousand men. The battle spread over the face of all the country; and the forest claimed more victims that day than the sword.2: Absalom happened to meet the servants of David. Absalom was riding on his mule, and the mule went under the thick branches of a great oak. His head caught fast in the oak, and he was left hanging between heaven and earth, while the mule that was under him went on. And ten young men, Joab's armor-bearers, surrounded Absalom and struck him, and killed him. Then the Cushite came; and spoke to King David.
1: "Good tidings for my lord the king! For God has vindicated you this day, delivering you from the power of all who rose up against you."2: "Is it well with the young man Absalom?
1: "May the enemies of my lord the king, and all who rise up to do you harm, be like that young man. Absalom is dead!" The king was deeply moved, and went up to the chamber over the gate, and wept.
2: "O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! Would I had died instead of you, O Absalom, my son, my son!"
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Preaching Magerials for August 2, 2009

R U M O R S # 562
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-07-26

July 26, 2009

A CELEBRATION OF BREAD

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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. If an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.

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The Story – evidence of divinity
Rumors – the bread metaphor runs deep
Soft Edges – time to grow up
Bloopers – the super bowel
We Get Letters – about that purple spine
Mirabile Dictu! – delusions of adequacy
Bottom of the Barrel – if my body were a car
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 6:1-21, 24-35
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – Eva Stanley of Maple Creek, Saskatchewan sent along this giggle:
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, August 2nd, which is Proper 13 [18].
* 2 Samuel 11:26 - 12:13a
* Psalm 78:23-29
* Ephesians 4:1-16
* John 6:24-35

However.
Can you remember all the way back to last week? (Take a deep breath and hold it for 20 seconds. You will either remember or pass out.)
We decided it made more sense to put the two Hebrew scripture readings of David, Bathsheba and Nathan together and tell them as one story – which is what it is.
So this week, we combine last week’s gospel reading with this week’s, again putting together two pieces of scripture that shouldn’t have been separated in the first place. And we can have a good workout on the extended bread metaphor that is the thread through both these passages.
In the Reader’s Theatre version below, I’ve strung both passages together with a reasonably seamless transition. Even if you don’t want to use the Reader’s Theatre thing, you might want to use that bit of glue job.

The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary)

John 6:1-21 and John 6:24-35
Ralph says –
Daughter Kari and I were talking about the popular science-fiction of a number of years ago when we were first beginning to see how technology might change our way of living. Does the name Buck Rogers mean anything to you?
One of the predictions from that era was that food, as we know it, would be eliminated. It would be so much more efficient to pop a few pills that would give us a perfectly balanced diet.
“It didn’t happen,” said Kari, “because food means far, far more to us than simply meeting the nutritional needs of our bodies. Eating together is one of the oldest and most universal of human rituals designed to build relationships. And besides, it tastes good.”
If this story is only about multiplying bread and fish it isn’t worth telling. If it is a story of how a human community can be forged through the sharing of food, then it’s worthy of our deepest reflection.
That’s why I like John’s version of this story because he has the child with the loaves and fishes whose generosity brings out the kindness of the crowd – which is the real miracle.
Then Jesus rings some interesting changes on the bread metaphor. It would be useful to do some thinking about what a metaphor is and how we use it in our religious understanding. Metaphors taken literally can easily generate a kind of destructive fundamentalism. Jesus’ reflection on bread, when literalized, can be very destructive and divisive.
Let’s free the metaphor to do its work of wrapping all creation in the circle of God’s love through a sharing, caring community.

Jim says –
Again, I think it’s important not to truncate stories, just because we’re afraid congregations might doze off. So I would take the whole story – John 6:1-15 and 22-35 – because the two parts belong together.
Let’s see – Jesus had just fed 5,000 people with five small barley loaves and two fishes. There was so much food, the disciples gathered up twelve baskets of leftovers. And the very next day, the same people demanded, “What sign will you give us...?”
“Well, doh!” Homer Simpson might say.
Their question should have been, “What sign are we willing to believe?”
We might well apply the same question to ourselves. Is feeding the hungry enough? Is working for justice enough? Or will we hold out for getting knocked off a horse like Paul, having our barbecue roasted by a thunderbolt like Elijah, hearing voices in a burning bush like Moses?
Are we, to put this bluntly, going to tell God what we’ll accept as evidence of divinity? And if we don't get the sign we expect, will we disbelieve?
That’s what the people who thronged around the lake did. And according to John’s narrative, Jesus gave them an answer they didn’t like: “Look at me to see God.” It's still the only sign we should need.

Psalm 78:23-29 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
23 When we were starving for affection, God found us friends.
24 Their cupboards fed us; we gained courage from their company.
25 We could not have asked for more, if we were little lower than angels.
26 When we were mired in our own misery, God set our feet on firm ground;
when self-defeating thoughts entangled us, God dusted the cobwebs from our minds;
when we were frozen with fears, God warmed us in loving arms.
27 Like northern marshes opening icy ponds to the summer sun, we respond to God's goodness.
God has restored us to life.
29 Once we were slaves, but God has set us free.
28 Freedom is an attitude; we can take it with us, wherever we are.
29 What more could we ask for?
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

Ephesians 4:1-16 – There’s a huge difference between unity and sameness. We seem to think that if all of us in our church believe the same thing, we have unity. But all we really have is a boring sameness.
Unity with another person – with another group of people – involves a deep joy at the differences of culture, ideas, politics – differences that can enrich all of us if we take the time to deeply listen to each other.
One of the key things about listening is that you do not try to respond or correct the other person. You only listen in order to understand. You offer your opinion when it is asked for. And that will often come, if first you listen deeply and carefully and non-judgmentally.

Check out “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” for a children’s take on the bread metaphor in the Gospel of John. You will find “A Child Helps Jesus” based on John 6:1-13 on page 167, and on page 170 you will find “A Special Kind of Bread” based on John 6:24-35.
Those of you coming to Kelowna for the General Council gathering in August, check out the book display. Margaret Kyle (the illustrator of these books) and I will be there, happy to sign these and other books for you.
And there will be an open house at Wood Lake Books to officially launch the three-volume “Lectionary Story Bible.” This will be on the Wednesday afternoon.

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Rumors – When you are out of peanut butter, you are out of food.
That is a proposition I have defended passionately and unsuccessfully since as far back as I can remember. When I am feeling down, when I have been sick, when I just want a snack, when I am having lunch by myself, I’ll have a peanut butter and jam sandwich on whole-wheat bread.
The peanuts and the wheat and the fruit are a complete meal,” I tell my family. But all I get are those “there-goes-dad-again” indulgent looks as they walk off to be busy with something else.
I’ve heard people use the phrase “comfort food” and I guess that’s what a peanut butter and jam sandwich is for me. If I had to survive the rest of my life on one thing, that would be it.
In English, the word “bread” is sometimes synonymous with food. In many East Asian languages the word for “rice” and the word for “food” are the same. In some Melanesian languages, the same applies to yams.
“Bread” is the bottom line. It is the basic thing we need to survive. But the word – the concept – the metaphor isn’t limited to food for our bellies. All those words, bread, rice, yams, also refer to the emotional and spiritual food we need to keep us alive. Without a faith that gets fed and watered regularly, we dry up and blow away.
But it’s not just about me and my faith. Last night, the entire hour-long newscast on TV was about the forest fires we’re experiencing here in the central Okanagan Valley. We (Miltons and Taylors) live across the lake from the fires, so we are in no danger. But a pall of smoke hangs over the valley, so dense you can taste it. John Cockburn sent a note saying smoke has a curative effect and we will be well-preserved like a smoked ham or salmon.
The smoke leaves a layer of ash on parked cars. It stings your eyes and irritates your throat. You can no longer see the hills around us. The sun is a pale, yellow disc.
Much of the newscast showed tearful refugees forced to leave their homes because of the threat of fire. One man said that all he had managed to save were two photo albums. “I’ve lost everything,” he said.
Such times force us back to fundamental questions. What is “bread” in this context? What is the fundamental thing we need to survive?
We need a community that provides “bread.” And one of the heartening things about this situation is the way in which the community, both formally through its structures and informally through individual generosity, has pulled together.
But it’s sobering to know that it’s not “nature,” but human over-indulgence that (to a large extent at least) caused the fires in the first place. We’ve done this to ourselves.
We’ve suppressed wild-fires in the forest for years – localized fires that would clear out old needles and dead underbrush. Now the buildup of dry pine needles on the forest floor, sometimes several feet deep, turns a renewing ground fire into a devastating fire-storm.
Global warming has given us a decade of warm, dry winters. That’s resulted in a plague of the pine beetle which is normally controlled by freezing winters. Now those beetles have killed the pine forests, turning them into tinder-dry fire-storms waiting to happen.
It is going to be a long, long summer.
So the metaphor of bread that runs through this week’s gospel reading is not just about individual nurture. It’s about far more than having enough food to eat.
The tears of a fire refugee here in the Okanagan – the tired face of an African refugee whose farm has been turned into a desert by global warming – the cynical face of an overpaid CEO – reminds us that it is all connected.
When Jesus talked about the bread of life he was talking about the physical and spiritual nurture of those who heard his voice. But he was also reminding us that we are part of a world-wide family and we are called to live so that bread, the basic stuff of life, will be there for all God’s creation.
We will eat that bread of life only when all creation can eat with us.

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Time to Grow Up
You may have learned some of these absolutely infallible rules about English during your school years:
* Never split an infinitive
* Never end a sentence with a preposition
* Never start a sentence with “and” or “but”
* Never start a sentence with “I”
* Never use words like “ain’t”
Well, lemme tell you, it just ain’t so.
Not one of those rules is infallible. Some of them never were. Others have simply faded into irrelevance as language changes.
Yet my fellow editors constantly run across writers who insist that things must be said a certain way, because that’s what they were taught when they were children – as it was in the beginning, it is now, and ever shall be, amen!
James Harbeck is both an editor and a linguist with, I believe, three degrees. He commented recently, “Siiiiiiigh! Why is it that people will cling fast to the authority of their grade-school English teacher when they would readily confess that their biology, chemistry, or physics teachers could not trump the knowledge of current physicians, pharmacists, or engineers? Oh, please, let me never drive across a bridge built by someone with the same attitude towards engineering expertise...”
I’ve found that James Harbeck is usually right. But it’s not just about language that people cling to outdated “rules.”
In religion, too, people lock onto concepts in childhood. They hold fast to the truth of what they learned in Sunday school or catechism classes, and reject any scholarly insights that might conflict with those early impressions:
* Jesus died for our sins
* The Bible is God’s holy word
* God lives in heaven
* God judges everything we do
* Bad people go to hell
As it happens, I was one of those Sunday school teachers. I taught some of those lessons – more or less. I was 18 years old at the time. I knew nothing about biblical scholarship, theology, cultural anthropology, myth and symbol...
By the time I quit teaching Sunday school, more than 20 years later, I had learned a lot. Since then, I’ve learned a lot more. And I am appalled that some of my early students might still cite my ignorance as absolute truth, valid for all time.
A while ago, a correspondent gently reprimanded me for my views. But with prayer and Bible study, she suggested, I might yet see the light.
To support her argument, she quoted one of the apostle Paul’s best known verses: “When I was a child, I thought like a child... Now we see through a glass, dimly, but then we shall see clearly...Now I know in part; then I will know fully...”
I agree totally, but perhaps not in the way she intended. Whether it’s language, religion, or any other subject, we need to set aside childhood understandings and partial comprehension; we must struggle constantly towards fuller knowledge.

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Good Stuff – This from Don Sandin.
It’s a Japanese Folktale Parable titled, “The House of 1,000 Mirrors”
Long ago in a small, far away village, there was place known as the House of 1,000 Mirrors. A small, happy little dog learned of this place and decided to visit. When he arrived, he bounced happily up the stairs to the doorway of the house. He looked through the doorway with his ears lifted high and his tail wagging as fast as it could.
To his great surprise, he found himself staring at 1,000 other happy little dogs with their tails wagging just as fast as his. He smiled a great smile, and was answered with 1,000 great smiles just as warm and friendly. As he left the House, he thought to himself, "This is a wonderful place. I will come back and visit it often."
In this same village, another little dog who was not quite as happy as the first one decided to visit the house. He slowly climbed the stairs and hung his head low as he looked in the door. When he saw the 1,000 unfriendly looking dogs staring back at him, he growled at them and was horrified to see 1,000 little dogs growling back at him.
As he left, he thought to himself, "That is a horrible place, and I will never go back there again."
All the faces in the world are mirrors.

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Sue Welch of Quincy, Illinois noticed a budget item under Miscellaneous. “Super Bowel Sub Fund.”
Says Sue: “Guess those sub sandwiches did more for us on that special football Sunday than satisfy our hunger!!”
Sue, many years ago I had to do some gentle explaining to a radio announcer I’d recently hired, that the game they play each year in the US was not “the Rose Bowel.”

And then there was the congregation which enjoyed “an evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.”

Perhaps that’s the same congregation which decided to “celebrate the awesome mess and mystery of God.”

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – People are like tea bags – you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.
source unknown, via Don Sandin

Why do we kill people who are killing people to show that killing people is wrong?
Holly Near via Jim Taylor

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
source unknown via Mary of Oman
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We Get Letters – Someone named D. Evans who lives in Moncton, New Brunswick sent this. I’m sure D. Evans has a first name, but that wasn’t in the e-mail. “D” was responding to my question: “If a dog chases a car and catches it, what would he do with it?”
He/She writes: “To answer your question the poor dog would probably give it a coat of wax, dress the tires. Armor-all the dash and sit it in the driveway so all the neighbourhood doggies could be envious.”

Douglas Fox of Kingston, Ontario, who sent us the alternate words for “Dare to be a Daniel,” explains. “Some child in singing the chorus is said to have substituted "spaniel" for "Daniel" and "purple spine" for "purpose firm." That is the significance of the "purple spine."
“My familiarity with the hymn no doubt dates me.”
Douglas, it dates you and me both. So what is the problem in that? Age is not a problem. It is an accomplishment!

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “delusions of adequacy!”) John Severson, I’m sure, feels one can never have too many insults. Tact involves thinking the insult without speaking it. Sanity involves the delicious delight of imagining the reaction if you had said it.
John says, “These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to four-letter words.”
I agree, John. For me, most profane insults have long lost their shock value and manage mostly to be boring.
* He had delusions of adequacy. Walter Kerr
* He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. Winston Churchill
* I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. Clarence Darrow
* I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain
* He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. Oscar Wilde
* I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here. Stephen Bishop
* He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. Paul Keating
* He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.. Forrest Tucker
* His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. Mae West
* He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts – for support rather than illumination. Andrew Lang
* I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it. Groucho Marx
* There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure. Jack E. Leonard
* They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. Thomas Brackett Reed
* He has Van Gogh’s ear for music. Billy Wilder

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Bottom of the Barrel – This from John Cockburn
If My Body Were a Car
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull.
But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it. Every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 6:1-21, 24-35Reader 1: Is it my imagination, or were the people in Jesus time a little ah…challenged? You know, not playing with a full deck.
Reader 2: Why do you say that?
1: Well I was checking out this scripture reading we’re going to do here, and after Jesus feeds five thousand people on the contents of one little boys picnic basket, they’re still saying, “show us a sign that you really are God’s messenger.” I mean, what do they want? Thunder bolts out of a clear sky?
2: I see your point. Maybe Jesus should put on a cape and fly around zapping the bad guys.
1: Yeah. Superman with a beard.
Reader 3: Well, don’t jump to conclusions. Let’s read the passage to these people (INDICATING THE CONGREGATION). Let’s see what they do with it.
1: A reading from John’s Gospel.
(A SLIGHT PAUSE)
3: Jesus went to the other side of the Sea of Galilee, also called the Sea of Tiberias. A large crowd kept following him, because they saw the signs that he was doing for the sick. He went up the mountain and sat down there with his disciples. Now the Passover, the festival of the Jews, was near. When Jesus looked up and saw a large crowd coming toward him, he spoke to Philip,
1: "Where are we to buy bread for these people to eat?"
2: "Six months' wages would not buy enough bread for each of them to get a little."
3: One of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter's brother, spoke up.
2: "There is a boy here who has five barley loaves and two fish. But what are they among so many people?"
1: "Make the people sit down."
3: Now there was a great deal of grass in the place; so they sat down, about five thousand in all. Then Jesus took the loaves, and when he had given thanks, he distributed them to those who were seated; so also the fish, as much as they wanted. When they were satisfied, he spoke to the disciples.
1: "Gather up the fragments left over, so that nothing may be lost."
3: So they gathered them up, and from the fragments of the five barley loaves, left by those who had eaten, they filled twelve baskets. When the people saw the sign that he had done, they began to speak to each other.
2: "This is indeed the prophet who is to come into the world."
3: When Jesus realized that they were about to come and take him by force to make him king, he withdrew again to the mountain by himself. When evening came, his disciples went down to the sea, got into a boat, and started across the sea to Capernaum. It was now dark, and Jesus had not yet come to them. The sea became rough because a strong wind was blowing. When they had rowed about three or four miles, they saw Jesus walking on the sea and coming near the boat, and they were terrified.
1: "It is I. Do not be afraid."
3: Then they wanted to take him into the boat, and immediately the boat reached the land toward which they were going. So when the crowd saw that neither Jesus nor his disciples were there, they themselves got into the boats and went to Capernaum looking for Jesus. They found him on the other side of the sea.
2: "Rabbi, when did you come here?"
1: "Very truly, I tell you, you are looking for me, not because you saw signs, but because you ate your fill of the loaves. Do not work for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures for eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For it is on him that God the Father has set his seal."
2: "What must we do to perform the works of God?"
1: "This is the work of God -- that you believe in him whom he has sent."
2: "What sign are you going to give us then, so that we may see it and believe you? What work are you performing? Our ancestors ate the manna in the wilderness; as it is written, 'He gave them bread from heaven to eat.'"
1: "Very truly, I tell you, it was not Moses who gave you the bread from heaven, but it is my Father who gives you the true bread from heaven. For the bread of God is that which comes down from heaven and gives life to the world."
2: "Sir, give us this bread always."
1: "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.

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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
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* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Preaching Materials for July 26, 2009

R U M O R S # 561
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-07-19

July 19, 2009

THE TESTOSTERONE TANGO
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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The Story – David in mid-life crises
Rumors – David’s power play
Soft Edges – making life easier
Bloopers – good lookin’ folks stand
We Get Letters – dare to be a spaniel
Mirabile Dictu! – a decanter of deans
Bottom of the Barrel – scared the daylights
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – 2 Samuel 11:1-15 & 2 Samuel 11:26 - 12:13a
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Last week I demonstrated my kindness, generosity and genuine goodness of heart by finding you lay-abouts something to do during the long-warm summer days of July. I suggested that you find a few unsuspecting, naïve types who might be conned into subscribing to Rumors for the sole purpose of pushing the subscription numbers over 8,000 and thereby feeding my poor, faltering ego.
Some of you responded, tried valiantly, but failed. Others succeeded. If she were still alive, my mother would thank you. The number now is 7,919.
But there are some malingerers out there who gave it not a second thought.
Tut! Tut! Also, for shame!
But I am a most forgiving soul. Here’s your second chance to come out of the shadows and into the warmth of the sun (don’t forget the sun-block). Go locate that sniveling half-life cowering there in the dank cellar, and subscribe him/her/it to Rumors.
Those of you living on the other side of the equator may disregard this notice.

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Rib Tickler – This from Margaret Wood: While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign. "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, July 26th, which is Proper 12 [16].

2 Samuel 11:1-15, 11-26-12:13a
We’ve included next week’s reading with this one. The lectionary divides this story into two parts, and in the process takes the punch out of both. If folks hear only the first part, they’ll think David got away with it. If they hear only the second part, they’ll wonder what he did that was so awful.
Our suggestion is that we do the more complete Bathsheba/David/Nathan story this week because it connects so directly to the experience of middle-aged men.
Next week we can do the feeding of the 5,000 and include the gospel reading for that Sunday as well (John 6:24-35) because it is a reflection on the meaning of the food metaphor.
That way we get the best of both.
Jim says –
The two parts of the David story are so inextricably linked it’s like asking the front half of a horse to run without the back half. Because Nathan’s parable in 2 Samuel 11:26—12:13a puts David’s taking of Bathsheba into its cultural context.
As Nathan makes clear, David’s sin was not adultery or even rape. It was trespass. Theft. He took someone else’s property. And David knew that was wrong, so he launched a cover-up, which made matters worse.
Does a lamb have rights? Clearly, the lamb represents Bathsheba. The rich man, who had lots of lambs, takes the lamb of a poor man. No one asks how the lamb felt about being roasted – it’s taken for granted that the owner had a right to do with it as he chose.
In the same way, Bathsheba was Uriah’s property. In the cultural values of that time, he owned her. By those same cultural values, David did not violate Bathsheba when he impregnated her; he violated the rights of her owner, his rights to create descendants by her.
Like Richard Nixon and Watergate, the cover-up became a bigger issue than the original crime. David conspired in Uriah’s murder.
As you read further, you find that from this point on, David’s career heads downhill. He did himself damage from which he never recovered.

Ralph says –
An older man chasing a young woman is like a dog chasing a car. What would he do if he caught it?
The story of David and Bathsheba is about lust and adultery, but it’s much more about male self-image and the abuse of power. And every human male has those issues, whether he recognizes it or not.
The story tells us that David didn’t go out with the guys to fight the wars. He was getting older and couldn’t handle the rigors of war, so he stayed home. And he hated it.
It wasn’t that he was deprived of sex. He had several wives and who knows how many concubines. When he saw Bathsheba doing her required post menstrual roof-top ablutions, he wanted her precisely because he shouldn’t have her. When David sent for her, she had no choice. He was the king. To take David off the hook by claiming that Bathsheba enticed him is a cop-out. And when his elaborate cover-up failed, he resorted to murder.
Nobody knows for sure how much the adult male is victim of his own testosterone. It certainly varies with the individual. But I doubt very much that any man is immune. And we express that primitive urge in appropriate or destructive ways.
The first thing we males need to do is name that urge to power – to recognize it in ourselves and to channel it in ways that build life rather than destroy it. This story can certainly help us do this.

Psalm 14 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
As a philosopher once argued, if you gamble there is no God, and there is, you will have lost everything. If you gamble there is a God, and there isn't, you will have lost nothing. If you gamble there is a God, and there is, you will win everything.
1 Only fools say, "There is no God."
They delude themselves.
Their actions reveal their foolishness;
whatever they do turns out badly.
2 But there is a God, who sees what they are doing.
God loves those who seek justice, show mercy, and walk humbly with their maker.
3 But those who turn their backs on God will lose their way;
they stumble in the darkness of their own shadows.
4 Can't they see what fools they're making of themselves?
They crunch down people's dreams like popcorn;
they grow fat on others' famine.
They deny the reality of God.
5 When they discover their error, they will subside into putrid puddles of sweat,
For they have challenged God;
they cannot win.
6 But we who have nothing must depend on God.
7 God, save us from those who prey upon us.
Topple the proud from their pedestals, and restore us to our rightful place.
Then all your people will be glad.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

Ephesians 3:14-21 – A few years ago I was told by a friend that he had received a small amount of money from the will of a mutual acquaintance. “I was the only beneficiary,” said my friend. “But I didn’t really know him that well. I went to see him in the nursing home a couple of times because I knew he didn’t have any family.”
What a terrible, aching thing it must be to have nobody else in your life. Here the writer of Ephesians reaches out to such empty souls – urging them to become part of God’s family through the community we call the church.
And thereby also calling us churchy folks to become a more inclusive community.

John 6:1-21 – (as explained above, we’ll do this next week)

Check “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 163 for a children’s version of the story from 2nd Samuel. It’s particularly important for children to hear the whole story. Otherwise they might think David and Bathsheba live happily ever after.
If you don’t already own a copy of this three-volume set, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod

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Rumors – David’s Power Play
From “Man to Man, Recovering the Best of the Male Tradition”
Wood Lake Books, 1993

David had everything any man could want.
But there he was, pacing around on the roof of his palace uptight and restless. He tried lying down for a nap. That didn't work. Those unnamed feelings, unfelt fears, unspoken questions seemed to gnaw at his stomach. His prayer life was the pits. He still prayed, but it felt as if he was talking to the wall. He kept thinking of the visit he'd just had from Joab, his second-in-command. David was seething at how damned diplomatic Joab had been, as he tried to get David to stay home from the wars this spring.
Joab hadn't pushed – just hinted that since David had worked so hard, he might need a bit of extra rest. It was true, but David wanted nothing more than to deny it. That old sword he took from Goliath years ago seemed to get heavier and heavier with every fight. "Just can't get the damn thing up anymore," he said, then laughed bitterly at his unintentional double meaning.
David was having a mid-life crisis.
That's when he spotted her. She was there on a nearby roof having a bath. It was her purifying bath following her menstrual period.
Nothing so unusual about that. People often had baths on their rooftops. What was unusual was that David felt his male energies stirring in a way he hadn't felt for a while. None of his wives, none of his concubines made him feel that way any longer. "They're all too old for me," David told himself, knowing it wasn't true. Some of the new concubines were in their teens.
David clapped his hands and a servant came running. "Who is that woman over there on that roof?" he demanded.
"That is Bathsheba. She is the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite."
"Go and bring her here."
"But she belongs to…to…" the servant stammered.
"Never mind who she belongs to," yelled David. "Go get her."
Bathsheba's eyes pleaded "no" when she was brought trembling to David. But David's anger at his impotence inflamed his lust for her. He raped her a few times and sent her home.
David didn't think a whole lot about it. He knew the servant wouldn't squeal and nobody would believe Bathsheba. Then, a couple of weeks later, the note came: "I'm pregnant." David knew he was in trouble. There were rules even a king couldn't break.
Uriah, Bathsheba's husband, was off fighting the war with Joab. "Send for Uriah the Hittite," said King David.

"Hey! How's it going?" David was all smiles and handshakes when Uriah came into the palace. "Tell me about the war. Going well, is it?"
"Oh fine, fine," said Uriah, not quite knowing what to make of it all.
"Look, Uriah. You've been working hard. Take a day off. Go home to your good wife. She's gotta be lonely."
"Thank you very much," said Uriah. "That's very kind, sir." But Uriah didn't go home. He slept in the gatehouse, refusing to go to Bathsheba.
"Why didn't you go home and enjoy that beautiful wife of yours, Uriah?" David wanted to know the next morning.
"But sir," said Uriah. "There is a custom in Israel. And even though I am not a Hebrew, I honor it. We do not go down to our homes when our comrades are on the field of battle and sleeping in tents. It's not fair."
"You're a good man," said David, seething inside and worried. "You're a better Hebrew than most Hebrews. So! Let's do lunch. Better yet, let's have dinner tonight. You're the kind of man I'd like to get to know."
It's hard having dinner with the king. When the king says, "Have another glass of wine, Uriah," it's hard to refuse. And the king said that over and over, and Uriah left the palace stinking drunk. But he slept it off in the gatehouse, and didn't go anywhere near Bathsheba.
"Damn!" muttered David. In a fury, he sat down and wrote a note to General Joab. "Joab: I want Uriah up at the front of the hardest fighting. Then pull back so he's fighting all by himself. I want this man dead. That's an order."
David sealed the note, and sent Uriah with his own execution order in his hand, back to the battle front.
When word came back that Uriah was dead, David waited until the appropriate mourning period was over, then brought Bathsheba to the palace. He quickly married her, and sent her off to stay with all his other wives and concubines. In due time, she had a baby boy.
Bathsheba felt confused and violated. Once she even tried to tell King David about her feelings, but he brushed her off. She was just a woman. David had work to do. Case closed.
Except the case refused to stay closed. David found himself visiting Bathsheba more than any of his other wives. Not just for the perfunctory sex that was usual on those visits, but David found himself actually talking with Bathsheba, actually seeking her advice, actually holding and enjoying the baby they had birthed. Not something he ever told his buddies in the army.
Maybe that's why David was hit so hard when Nathan, the prophet, came for a visit. David and Nathan always got along, Nathan often helping David see God's hand in the events around them, sometimes helping David focus on issues of justice in the administration of the nation.
Nathan hadn't been around for awhile, so David was glad to see him. But the prophet looked strained and tired.
"Your majesty," said the prophet. "I've got a situation I'd like to discuss with you."
"Sure," said the king. "Lay it on me."
"Well, it's about these two guys living next to each other. One of them is a CEO in his company – ten-bedroom mega-house, everything. The other guy rents an old house next door. He's out of a job – on welfare most of the time. He owns a lamb, a pet actually. It's really the only thing he owns. He and his family play with it, they sleep with it. The lamb, in fact, is part of the family.
"One day the rich man next door has some unexpected visitors. He's too cheap to cook his own food, so he sends one of his servants next door to snitch the lamb. And he cooks that for his guests. What do you think should happen?"
"Happen?" David was really angry. "Take that rich guy and string him up by the thumbs! What a rotten thing to do! Can you imagine anyone being so…so…"
"It's you," said Nathan very quietly.
"What?"
"It's you, your majesty. You have a palace full of women and yet you stole Bathsheba from Uriah, then had him killed. Theft. Rape. Murder."
Anger, then shame, then guilt, then remorse flowed across the king's face in succession. Nathan knew the king had the power to kill him for making such an accusation. The silence in the room was long and deafening.
Finally, the king spoke.
"I have sinned against God," David whispered.

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Making Life Easier
I spent an afternoon in court recently. Not on my own behalf, I hasten to add. I was there to provide moral support for a friend.
I’m astonished, sometimes, at how informal the lower courts can be. The judge, the prosecutor, the clerk casually discussed how to move the various cases through most fairly.
Half a dozen persons failed to appear. “I suppose we have to issue warrants,” the judge sighed.
There was no ruthless cross examination, a la Perry Mason; no legal wrangling, as in Law & Order; no technical evidence, like the various CIS clones. It felt more like Night Court, without the laugh track.

Chronic victim
One young man elected to stand trial immediately, rather than wait for a later date. He chose to defend himself. The judge carefully explained the procedures. Aside from two minutes while he took the stand himself, mostly to complain that he had been unfairly treated, he spent the trial slouched in his chair, looking for all the world like Zonker in the Doonesbury cartoon strip.
The judge asked if he was ready for sentencing.
“It don’t matter,” the man mumbled without rising. “I don’t got no money to pay no fine anyways, and I don’t got no job.”
“How long would you need to raise the money?” the judge asked. “Six months? Eight months? I can specify whatever would work for you.”
The defendant just shrugged.
It must be depressing to have a constant parade of mildly paranoid, incompetent, or utterly bewildered people passing through a court.

Adversarial outcomes
A classmate of mine went into family law, fairly late in life. He told me over dinner that all family court lawyers watch for the “four R’s – Revenge, Recrimination, Retribution, and Retaliation.
“The four R’s predominate in many separations and divorces,” my friend said, “despite the fact that, these days, they are not legally pertinent except where they may damage the children.”
Even in relatively amicable negotiated separations, the four R’s almost always show up eventually. Some lawyers literally tick them off as they occur.
As one who lives with words, I wondered why some other “R” words don’t occur – words like Remorse, Reconciliation, and Renewal. I didn’t risk Resurrection.
“Not likely,” said my friend. “By the time you get to court, you’re into an adversarial system. For one party to win, the other has to lose.”
I’d go further – in any adversarial system, I suspect both parties lose. In a contested divorce, everyone loses something – especially the children. No one wins a war; one side simply loses less than the other side.
Nevertheless, I was impressed at how much the professional members of that court tried to minimize the limitations of an adversarial system and make it more humane for all concerned.
Oh, by the way – the friend I was supporting? The prosecutor did some gentle plea bargaining with the plaintiff and defendant. No one won. But no one lost a lot, either.
Perhaps that’s the best one can hope for.

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Larry Smith of Toledo, Ohio says a friend gave him a wedding bulletin that showed the “spell checker must have had a problem with ‘homily.’ The bulletin read "Homely (Please Sit)."
Does that mean, Larry, that us good lookin’ folks had to stand through the whole thing?

Douglas Fox, Kingston, Ontario says his “favorite kid’s blooper in the Lord’s Prayer is, ‘Thy will be done on earth as it isn't heaven’."

Jim Taylor writes: “I may have been dozing, but I'm sure I heard the scripture reader on Sunday say that he was reading from the New Revised Standby Version.”

Suzanne Morio who is a “church secretary in Illinois,” admits to typing ‘peopee’ instead of ‘people’ in our call to worship.
So exactly who did that refer to, Suzanne? Maybe the incontinent old men in the back pews?

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin"
or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food-groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine via Pat Magdamo

I tried to get in touch with reality this week, but it was a bad connection.
from a Frank & Ernest cartoon via Evelyn McLachlan

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. source unknown via Mary of Oman

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We Get Letters – John McCullough of Daleville, Alabama writes: “As I think about the ‘fiends on earth and friends above,’ blooper, [in last week’s Rumors] there seems to be just a bit of truth there. I suspect when we all get ‘up above,’ by God's grace we will find that some of those we considered fiends have become true friends.

Douglas Fox of Kingston, Ontario has an alternate to the children’s hymn, “Dare To Be a Daniel.” It’s to give biblically illiterate kids something they can identify with.
Dare to be a spaniel,
Dare to stand alone,
Dare to have a purple spine,
And dare to make it known.
Douglas, I’m probably the only one who doesn’t know this, but what’s the significance of the “purple spine?”

Margaret Clipperton of Walford, Ontario sends a long a story “my mother used to use to illustrate to us kids that we could find creative language to express ourselves without having to resort to vulgarities.
“It would have been about 1920. The Methodist minister had been counseling a troubled young man and was pleased with the progress. But one Saturday evening he spotted his protégé staggering up the street in a very inebriated condition. "It was enough to make a preacher swear" reported the disgusted minister. He accosted the young man and declared, "May your mother run out from under the verandah and bite you on the leg, when you get home."

Harold Boyke points to an interesting blooper in last week’s Rumors. I wrote: “At one point we realized we had spent several house there, and neither of us had looked at either book or magazine.”
The thing is, Harold, it’s not easy to spend a house. You can spend a lifetime, or spend all your wealth, or even your reputation. But it takes skill to spend a house.”
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “a decanter of deans!”)
Rachel Prichard of Sudbury, Ontario wrote a report for a meeting of the Provincial Synod which included some more delightful collective nouns.
* a bench of Bishops
* a flap or superfluity of nuns
* an abomination of monks
* a cluster of clerics
* a prudence of vicars
* an unction of undertakers
* an observance of hermits
* a decanter of deans
* a shot of canons
* a converting of preachers
* a veneration of archdeacons

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Bottom of the Barrel – Clayton McWhirter sends along a story that sounds a bit like an “urban legend.” It’s been around before, but it’s funny enough to warrant a repeat.
“A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
“For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
“The frightened passenger apologized but the driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'”

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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – 2 Samuel 11:1-15 & 2 Samuel 11:26 - 12:13aNote: It seems necessary to have three readers for this somewhat extended piece – the narrator, David and Nathan. Bathsheba, as is typical in biblical stories, has no recorded dialogue. Just three words in a note.

Reader 1: Do you know that in some places the Bible reads just like the sports page in the newspaper.
Reader 2: C’mon. What are you talking about?
Reader 1: Sure it does. Those parts where it talks about King David and all his wars. It says who beat whom and by how much. The sports pages.
Reader 3: Doin’ the testosterone tango. It’s the same thing in football and hockey and almost every sport just as it is in warfare. It’s the guys trying to prove who is the smartest or the strongest or the toughest.
1: The story we find in the Bible this morning is one that happens every day, especially in the big, high finance companies. It’s about a guy having a mid-life crises, and who winds up letting his gonads lead him into all kind of trouble. It’s about the biggest and best king the nation of Israel ever had. King David.
3: So we’re reading the story from the second book of Samuel.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
1: In the spring of the year, the time when kings go out to battle, David sent Joab his top military general, with his officers and all Israel with him. They beat the Ammonites, and the city of Rabbah. But David remained at Jerusalem.
3: (shaking his/her head) David remained in Jerusalem.
1: It happened, late one afternoon, when David rose from his couch and was walking about on the roof of the king's house, that he saw from the roof a woman bathing. (Now she was purifying herself after her period.) The woman was very beautiful. So David sent someone to inquire about the woman.
3: "This is Bathsheba daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite."
1: So David sent messengers to get her, and she came to him, and he lay with her. Then she returned to her house. The woman conceived; and she sent and told David.
2: "I am pregnant."
1: So David sent word to Joab.
3; "Send me Uriah the Hittite."
1: So Joab sent Uriah to David. When Uriah came to him, David asked how Joab and the people fared, and how the war was going.
3: "Go down to your house, and wash your feet, Uriah. Take it easy."
1: Uriah went out of the king's house, and there followed him a present from the king. But Uriah slept at the entrance of the king's house with all the servants of his lord, and did not go down to his house. But word came back to David.
2: "Uriah did not go down to his house."
1: So David spoke to Uriah again.
3: "You have just come from a journey. Why did you not go down to your house?"
2: The ark and Israel and Judah remain in booths; and my lord Joab and the servants of my lord are camping in the open field; shall I then go to my house, to eat and to drink, and to lie with my wife? As you live, and as your soul lives, I will not do such a thing."
3: Remain here today also, and tomorrow I will send you back."
1: So Uriah remained in Jerusalem that day. On the next day, David invited him to eat and drink in his presence and made him drunk. And in the evening he went out to lie on his couch with the servants of his lord, but he did not go down to his house. In the morning David wrote a letter to Joab, and sent it by the hand of Uriah. This is what the letter said.
3: "Set Uriah in the forefront of the hardest fighting, and then draw back from him, so that he may be struck down and die."
1: When the wife of Uriah heard that her husband was dead, she made lamentation for him. When the period of mourning was over, David sent and brought Bathsheba to his house, and she became his wife, and bore him a son. But the thing that David had done displeased God. So God sent Nathan to David.
2: "David, please tell me what to do about this problem. There were two men in a certain city, the one rich and the other poor. The rich man had very many flocks and herds; but the poor man had nothing but one little ewe lamb, which he had bought. He brought it up, and it grew up with him and with his children; it used to eat of his meager fare, and drink from his cup, and lie in his bosom, and it was like a daughter to him. Now there came a traveler to the rich man, and he was loath to take one of his own flock or herd to prepare for the wayfarer who had come to him, but he took the poor man's lamb, and prepared that for the guest who had come to him."
3: What? By God, the man who has done this deserves to die; He shall restore the lamb fourfold, because he did this thing, and because he had no pity."
2: You are the man! Thus says the God of Israel: I anointed you king over Israel, and I rescued you from the hand of Saul; I gave you your master's house, and your master's wives into your bosom, and gave you the house of Israel and of Judah; and if that had been too little, I would have added as much more. Why have you despised the word of the God, to do what is evil in God’s sight? You have struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword, and have taken his wife to be your wife. Now therefore the sword shall never depart from your house, for you have despised me, and have taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your wife. This is what God is saying to you, David. I will raise up trouble against you from within your own house; and I will take your wives before your eyes, and give them to your neighbor, and he shall lie with your wives in the sight of this very sun. For you did it secretly; but I will do this thing before all Israel, and before the sun."
3: (almost whispering) "I have sinned against God."
2: What did you say David? Say it louder so God can hear you!
3: (Shouting) I have sinned against God!

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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of h.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Preaching Materials for July 19, 2009

R U M O R S # 560
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-07-12

July 12, 2009

GOD’S GLORY OR MINE
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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The story of David wanting to build a temple arouses a need in me to tell you – with a straight face – that I write Rumors only for the glory of God.
Okay, so it really doesn’t do a lot of glorifying. There has to be a second reason.
I enjoy doing this. It’s fun. And I get letters from lots of cool people all over the world.
Even that doesn’t account for all of it. So stand up straight, Ralph. Take a deep breath and admit the real truth.
It’s my ego. There are 7,895 people to which this goes every week. Some of them may even read it. And that generates a kind of inward chortle. Who’da thunk it?
So having admitted the heinous sin of pride and self-gratification, I have a favor to ask in return for the mixture of wisdom and drivel that I sent your way each Sunday. While you are sitting around with nothing much to do all summer, try to think of a friend – or maybe just a casual acquaintance – who wouldn’t object too violently, and persuade said person to subscribe to Rumors.
Then we can nudge that up over the 8 grand mark.
It won’t do you any good, and it certainly won’t glorify God, but it will turn my inner chortle into an audible giggle.
Thanks.

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The Story – edifice complex
Rumors – the middle of summer
Soft Edges – indefinable virtues
Good Stuff – proof of God
Bloopers – fiends and friends
We Get Letters – an exaltation of larks
Mirabile Dictu! – safe in church
Bottom of the Barrel – bickering
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – 2 Samuel 7:1-14a
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road. Doing their good deed for the day, they were holding up a sign that said, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They planned to hold up the sign as a warning to each passing car.
“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver who sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.
“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just hold up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, July 19th, which is Proper 11 [16]
2 Samuel 7:1-14a or Jeremiah 23:1-6
Psalm 89:20-37 or Psalm 23
Ephesians 2:11-22
Mark 6:30-34, 53-56

The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – 2 Samuel 7:1-14a
Surprise! We picked the David story again. And this time, the connections to our current situation are even stronger. It’s about separating the call of one’s own ego from the call of God. Like that whole business of the Rumors subscriptions (see above).

Jim says –
For me, this is a story of consolation prizes. You know what I mean – when you grabbed for the brass ring, the top prize, the school record, and you didn’t quite make it. But a kindly teacher or adjudicator said, “Too bad. Nice try. Here, have a popsicle instead.”
Like almost everyone in the Holy Land, David suffered from an edifice complex. He thought that if he built a temple, his name and his fame would be preserved forever. Long after he was gone, people would look at his temple and say, “King David built that!”
Even Nathan agreed that it would be an appropriate memorial for a great leader.
But God didn’t see it that way. God didn’t want to be cooped up in a mausoleum. So God said “Nope! Sorry. Too bad.”
But then God offered the consolation prize: “Instead of the House of God, I will let you have the House of David.”
Subsequent history suggests that the consolation prize was better than the silver trophy. Because both Solomon’s and Herod’s temples were trashed. Only a few stones were left to commemorate their builders. But the House of David can still be traced, first to Jesus, and then through the church, based on Jesus’ life and teaching, to us.
Which makes me wonder about some of the brass rings we dedicate ourselves to grasping. Maybe we should be looking at what God might be offering as consolation prizes, instead.

Ralph says –
If you should approach a publisher with a red-hot manuscript for a book that calls out to be published, one of the things that publisher will ask is how you, personally, would be able to promote the book. If you can convince the publisher that you really know how to bang your own tin drum, the chances of having your manuscript accepted are greatly increased. Having sat on both sides of the desk, as author and as publisher, I know about that stuff.
If you are like me, you will cringe at the idea of flogging your own book. In my natal family I learned very early that you should never brag. You should never pat yourself on the back. If what you do is good enough, others will notice and applaud. But not you. Never.
If your home was more pious than mine, you would have had an option. You could ascribe it all the glory to God. It was none of your doing. It was God’s work.
David was a very talented administrator, a charismatic leader and a skilled general. Everything in the kingdom was working just fine. So now what?
Well, how about building a house for God? “I would do this for the glory of God, you understand. Not for me. Only for God.”
And God’s response? “Yeah, right. Tell me about it, David.”
The thing is, I can understand David in this passage much better than I can understand the prophet Nathan. Or God for that matter.
The whole thing begs the question. How do you separate God’s will and your own ego?

Psalm 89:20-37 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
20 "I have chosen my successor," says God. "I have chosen you.
You will take my place.
21 For years, I have taught you my vision;
now I want you to take it forward into the future.
22 To avoid being controlled by bureaucrats,
to protect yourself against fast-talking promoters and bottom-line economists,
23 you must always ask yourself what I would do.
24 By keeping me in mind, my reputation and yours will both grow.
25 What I have started, you will continue;
through you, my influence will spread.
26 I have been your launching pad –
27 Now it's up to you to carry on.
28 I want to be proud of you.
29 As long as you pursue my vision, you will prosper.
30 But if you wander off my way,
if you lust after competitive advantage and chase after quick profits,
31 if you sell out to other gods and other goals,
32 then you will destroy yourself.
You will lose all credibility;
You will go ethically bankrupt.
33 Even so, I will never turn against you.
34 I have adopted you into my family;
you are a member of my household.
35 I have promised it; I do not lie.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

Ephesians 2:11-22 – Ephesians and the story of David ask the question, “Where is God’s dwelling place? Implicit in the way we build and maintain our church buildings is the idea that it is “the house of God.”
At the end of the 14th century, an obscure mystic we call Julian of Norwich had some very radical ideas. Here’s what she wrote:
“God has chosen no other place to live except in our souls. This dwelling that God has chosen in our souls is beautiful and stately. There, God touches us and rejoices in our love far more than sorrowing over our failings. God wants us to live gladly and cheerfully, even though this life sometimes feels like punishment.
“God wants us to look beyond the pain that we feel to the joy we can trust.”
from “The Essence of Julian,” by Ralph Milton, Northstone 2002.

Mark 6:30-34, 53-56 – It’s July. In the northern hemisphere – or at least in the northern part of the northern hemisphere – July is the warmest month of the year and therefore vacation time.
This passage shows us that even Jesus and his friends needed to get away from it all once in awhile. It didn’t work. When Jesus saw people hurting, he couldn’t help but go out to them, even when his emotional gas tank was down to the fumes.
And so my yearly appeal to all my friends who labor in God’s vineyard, is to take that vacation. Don’t take along any catch-up reading. Your mind needs a rest too.
Your body – your mind – are the temples in which God dwells. If you don’t give yourself the needed rest, you will find it hard to be aware of God’s presence in your soul.

“A House for God,” is the children’s version of the story about David and Nathan. It’s on page 158 of “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B.” The story from the Mark passage is called “The Crowd Follows Jesus,” and is on page 160.
There’s an article about this Bible story project in the Wood Lake Publishing newsletter, “Insight.” You can find it by clicking on this somewhat intimidating web address:
http://insight.createsend5.com/T/ViewEmail/r/B1CAEEA45FEA04FC/52811B5EFB7351EC2540EF23F30FEDED
Scroll down a bit and you’ll find it.
If you are travelling to our beautiful Okanagan Valley this summer to attend the General Council of the United Church of Canada, watch for announcements of the official launch of this three-volume set of children’s stories. You will be able to have the set autographed by the artist, Margaret Kyle and myself.
If not, then click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod

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Rumors – It’s the middle of summer.
The congregation is sparse because half of them are away doing what all of us would like to do in July – goofing off.
I heard of a well-known theologian who claimed he spent two months one summer and didn’t think about God once. Knowing the man, I find that hard to believe. But it begs the question. Does vacation time for active church leaders – lay and professional – mean taking a vacation from God?
Well, that’s a bit hard to do, at least if we believe that God is with us all the time, whether we are aware of it or not. But maybe we can take a little vacation from the heavy-duty ways we often think about God. Maybe we plug our spiritual arteries with all that profound thinking.
One summer, Bev and I were sitting on a beach under the shade of a huge cottonwood. She had a batch of professional journals (Bev is clergy) and I had a batch of books I hadn’t managed to read during the course of the year. All “serious” stuff.
At one point we realized we had spent several house there, and neither of us had looked at either book or magazine. We’d simply sat and soaked in the warmth of a summer day, and let our minds free-wheel.
We talked over lunch and tried to recall what it was, exactly, that we had been thinking about. Neither of us could remember. But we felt relaxed and refreshed, both physically and spiritually. So who says God wasn’t part of that day-dreaming?
In the church where Bev and I now worship (we’re both now retired) the folks in the pews on a July Sunday are mostly regulars. They are, generally, the “old faithful,” for whom church is a lifetime habit. Many of them are active, hard workers in God’s vineyard.
Maybe this might be a good Sunday to tell them to just relax. All year long you work hard to build a faithful, worshipping community. Maybe we could be like the prophet Nathan and tell them to leave a bit of work for the folks in the future. Let your minds and your bodies free-wheel for awhile. Take a break from trying so hard.
Give God a bit of room to move out of our heads and heal our whole beings. Then we might be able to believe the truth about ourselves, “no matter how beautiful it is.”
Note: Some of you will be asking if I practice what I preach. Well, yes. I wrote the little outburst above for Aha!!! magazine way back in 1994.

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Undefinable Virtues
An eleven hour drive, alone, gives ample opportunity to reflect on other drivers’ habits.
And I must say that, with one or two minor exceptions, they were very good. No one did anything stupid.
Don’t confuse stupid with illegal. In truth, almost every driver was doing something illegal – minor speeding. Not wearing seatbelts. Rolling though stop signs. Failing to signal lane changes…
But the closest thing I saw to “stupid” were a few drivers who plodded along just under the speed limit while a kilometre-long line of cars formed behind them waiting for a chance to pass.
But generally, everyone applied common sense and courtesy. Which occasionally means breaking the rules. Because the rules are simply an attempt to codify common sense and courtesy.
Unfortunately, there’s no way to enforce common sense. Governments can legislate rules of the road, safety standards, training procedures… But legislation will never prevent someone from dozing off at the wheel.
As I’ve heard said, you can prohibit someone from doing wrong, but you can’t make them do good. You can create laws against murder, fraud, extortion, theft, assault, lying… But can’t force anyone to be kind, thoughtful, loyal, generous…
Generosity, for example, has to be voluntary. If I’m forced to give a certain percentage of my income away, if I have no choice, I’m more likely to feel resentful than compassionate.
Idealistic people often claim that all religions and cultures value the same things – honesty, truth, altruism, compassion… I’m not sure they’re right. I suspect that some societies placed their highest value on ruthlessness, revenge, deceit, and duplicity. The ancient Vikings might have been such a society– Norse legends suggest that not even their gods played fair. Wall Street might be another.
It did occur to me that our society is built on trust. Of course we lock our doors at night and hold onto our credit cards – that’s just common sense. But we trust that the vegetables in the grocery store haven’t been poisoned; that the post office will deliver our mail intact; that a neighbour won’t plunder our carrot patch at night…
But a society built on distrust would quickly degenerate into a seething cauldron of every-man-for-himself paranoid individualists. There could be no family, no friends, no partners.
I see that demonstrated on the highway. When I pass a huge semi-trailer unit, I have to trust that he will not swerve into my lane and crush me like a cockroach. When I enter a two-lane bridge with steel girders on both sides, at 100 km/hr, I have to trust that the person approaching me equally fast will stay on her side of the yellow line. Because as we pass in opposite directions, only inches separate us.
Maybe our highways give us a clue. Common sense and courtesy can’t be defined; violations of them can be. Perhaps the values that are truly universal are those that can’t be enforced or precisely defined.
If, as those idealists claim, all religions espouse the same basic values, they will be the values that defy definition. Any attempt to quantify love, kindness, compassion, loyalty, inevitably becomes either a maximum or a minimum – an extreme rather than the imprecise but practical middle ground we take for granted.

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Good Stuff – This is from Wayne Seybert of Longmont, Colorado. It’s been around before and is a bit improbable, but makes a good point.
The teacher wanted to explain evolution to a class of six-year-olds.
Teacher: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
Tommy: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
Teacher: Did you see God up there?
Tommy: No.
Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because God isn't there. God just doesn't exist.
Little girl: Teacher! May I ask Tommy some questions?
Teacher: Yes you may.
Little girl: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Little girl: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
Tommy: Yessssss!
Little girl: Did you see the sky?
Tommy: Yessssss!
Little girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
Tommy: Yes.
Little girl: Do you see her brain?
Tommy: No.
Little girl: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly may not even have one!

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Warwick Hambleton of Huntly New Zealand writes: “Our church was abuzz this morning about a certain petrol company that had announced, with all seriousness, and with regret, that it had had to put up its prices "in order to remain competitive."

April Dailey of Ford City, Pennsylvania writes: “The Lord's Prayer is a never ending source of kid's ‘bloopers.’ The one I heard most recently was from third-grader, Jacob –‘Thy Kingdom dumb.’ Then he said ‘Oops, My mom always reminds me that's not right.’”
Says April, “These things are further proof of God’s sense of humor!!”

An anonymous person in Kingston, Ontario, saw this hymn text in the bulletin.
For the joy of human love,
brother, sister, parent, child,
fiends on earth, and friends above. . .

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – You cannot do kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.
Ralph Waldo Emerson via Mary in Oman
Make it simple. But not too simple."
Albert Einstein via Stephani Keer

Many a train of thought never reaches its station.
source unknown via Evelyn McLachlan

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We Get Letters – Bill Watt notes a rather serious omission on my part. I had quoted the catechism as saying our chief end is to “enjoy God forever.” Bill points out that the catechism says our chief end is “to glorify God and enjoy him forever." Thanks Bill.

Kris Bair of Wilson, Kansas enjoyed the compound nouns we had in Rumors a couple of weeks ago. He remembers a book called, “An Exaltation of Larks,” or “The Venereal Game,” by James Lipton. It includes:
* a murder of crows
* a skulk of foxes
* a crash of rhinoceroses
* a parliament of owls (O, would that it were so!)
* a herd of harlots
* a superfluity of nuns
* a converting of preachers
* a pontificality of prelates
* a sneer of butlers
* a flush of plumbers
* a rash of dermatologists
* an odium of politicians.

And Roy Anderson of Somerset, England offers this list.
* a castle of rooks
* a nest of crows
* a crop of scissors
* a gallery of washing
* a clink of bottles
* a boredom of televisions
* a firm of handles
* a plate of learners
* a deception of photos
* a shadow of memories

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “safe in church”)
How to live a long time without ever having an accident:
1. Do not ride in an auto – they cause 20 percent of all fatal accidents.
2. Do not stay at home – 17 percent of all accidents happen there.
3. Do not walk in the street – 15 percent of all accidents happen to pedestrians.
4. Do not travel by air, rail, or water – 16 percent of all accidents result from these activities.
5. Only .001 percent of all accidents happen in church.
Note: Recent statistics also show that more people die in hospitals than anywhere else, but only a tiny percentage of deaths happen in church – the look on the faces of pew-sitters notwithstanding.

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Bottom of the Barrel – There were three monks who belonged to an order which has a vow of silence. The monks were so tired of not speaking, that they wrote a note to the abbot requesting special permission to speak. (Their vow allowed for such permission to be sought.) The abbot agreed to let them each speak one sentence after breakfast, but not all on the same day: the oldest would speak first, then after a year the second one could speak, then after another year the youngest could speak. And so on.
So the next morning after breakfast, the abbot nodded to the oldest monk, who spoke his sentence: “I like porridge.”
A year passed, and it was now the turn of the second monk to speak. After they had cleared away the breakfast plates, he said, “I hate porridge.”
Another year passed, and at last it was the turn of the youngest to speak. The others were wondering what he was going to say. As breakfast finished, they all looked at him.
Said he, “I’m getting awfully tired of this constant bickering over porridge!”

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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – 2 Samuel 7:1-14a
Please feel free to adapt this to your own needs.

Reader One: Have you ever imagined what you would do if you won a million bucks in the lottery?
Reader Two: Sure. But I’ll never win the lottery.
One: Why?
Two: Because I never buy a lottery ticket. Actually, I guess I do win because I keep the money I would have spent on a ticket.
One: If I had a million bucks I’d use it to build us a big new church. I’d do it for the glory of God.
Two: Sure. And they’d name the church after you. St. (add person’s name) Church.
One: (defensively) Well, what’s wrong with that?
Two: Because if you did it for God, why would you name the church after yourself?
One: Well….ah…
Two: You’re a bit like King David. He had the money. He wanted to build a temple – for God, you understand – and it would be named King David’s Temple.
One: And that’s a sneaky way to lead us into today’s Bible story.
Two: I know. But it worked. Our scripture story is from the 2nd Chapter of the book of Samuel.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
One: Now when King David was settled in his house, and God had given him rest from all his enemies around him, the king spoke to the prophet Nathan:
Two: See now, I am living in a house of cedar, but the ark of God stays in a tent.
One: And Nathan said to the king, "Go, do all that you have in mind; for God is with you." But that same night the word of God came to Nathan:Two: Go and tell my servant David: Thus says God.
One: Are you the one to build me a house to live in? I have not lived in a house since the day I brought up the people of Israel from Egypt to this day, but I have been moving about in a tent and a tabernacle. Wherever I have moved about among all the people of Israel, did I ever speak a word with any of the tribal leaders of Israel, whom I commanded to shepherd my people Israel, saying, "Why have you not built me a house of cedar?"Two: And so God commanded me to say this to King David.
One: I took you from the pasture, from following the sheep to be prince over my people Israel; and I have been with you wherever you went, and have cut off all your enemies from before you; and I will make for you a great name, like the name of the great ones of the earth. And I will appoint a place for my people Israel and will plant them, so that they may live in their own place, and be disturbed no more; and evildoers shall afflict them no more, as formerly, from the time that I appointed judges over my people Israel; and I will give you rest from all your enemies.
Two: And this is what God declares to you, King David.
One: I will make you a house. When your days are fulfilled and you lie down with your ancestors, I will raise up your offspring after you, who shall come forth from your body, and I will establish his kingdom. He shall build a house for my name, and I will establish the throne of his kingdom forever. I will be a father to him, and he shall be a son to me.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*