Preaching Materials for July 19, 2009

R U M O R S # 560
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-07-12

July 12, 2009

GOD’S GLORY OR MINE
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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The story of David wanting to build a temple arouses a need in me to tell you – with a straight face – that I write Rumors only for the glory of God.
Okay, so it really doesn’t do a lot of glorifying. There has to be a second reason.
I enjoy doing this. It’s fun. And I get letters from lots of cool people all over the world.
Even that doesn’t account for all of it. So stand up straight, Ralph. Take a deep breath and admit the real truth.
It’s my ego. There are 7,895 people to which this goes every week. Some of them may even read it. And that generates a kind of inward chortle. Who’da thunk it?
So having admitted the heinous sin of pride and self-gratification, I have a favor to ask in return for the mixture of wisdom and drivel that I sent your way each Sunday. While you are sitting around with nothing much to do all summer, try to think of a friend – or maybe just a casual acquaintance – who wouldn’t object too violently, and persuade said person to subscribe to Rumors.
Then we can nudge that up over the 8 grand mark.
It won’t do you any good, and it certainly won’t glorify God, but it will turn my inner chortle into an audible giggle.
Thanks.

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The Story – edifice complex
Rumors – the middle of summer
Soft Edges – indefinable virtues
Good Stuff – proof of God
Bloopers – fiends and friends
We Get Letters – an exaltation of larks
Mirabile Dictu! – safe in church
Bottom of the Barrel – bickering
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – 2 Samuel 7:1-14a
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road. Doing their good deed for the day, they were holding up a sign that said, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They planned to hold up the sign as a warning to each passing car.
“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver who sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.
“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just hold up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, July 19th, which is Proper 11 [16]
2 Samuel 7:1-14a or Jeremiah 23:1-6
Psalm 89:20-37 or Psalm 23
Ephesians 2:11-22
Mark 6:30-34, 53-56

The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – 2 Samuel 7:1-14a
Surprise! We picked the David story again. And this time, the connections to our current situation are even stronger. It’s about separating the call of one’s own ego from the call of God. Like that whole business of the Rumors subscriptions (see above).

Jim says –
For me, this is a story of consolation prizes. You know what I mean – when you grabbed for the brass ring, the top prize, the school record, and you didn’t quite make it. But a kindly teacher or adjudicator said, “Too bad. Nice try. Here, have a popsicle instead.”
Like almost everyone in the Holy Land, David suffered from an edifice complex. He thought that if he built a temple, his name and his fame would be preserved forever. Long after he was gone, people would look at his temple and say, “King David built that!”
Even Nathan agreed that it would be an appropriate memorial for a great leader.
But God didn’t see it that way. God didn’t want to be cooped up in a mausoleum. So God said “Nope! Sorry. Too bad.”
But then God offered the consolation prize: “Instead of the House of God, I will let you have the House of David.”
Subsequent history suggests that the consolation prize was better than the silver trophy. Because both Solomon’s and Herod’s temples were trashed. Only a few stones were left to commemorate their builders. But the House of David can still be traced, first to Jesus, and then through the church, based on Jesus’ life and teaching, to us.
Which makes me wonder about some of the brass rings we dedicate ourselves to grasping. Maybe we should be looking at what God might be offering as consolation prizes, instead.

Ralph says –
If you should approach a publisher with a red-hot manuscript for a book that calls out to be published, one of the things that publisher will ask is how you, personally, would be able to promote the book. If you can convince the publisher that you really know how to bang your own tin drum, the chances of having your manuscript accepted are greatly increased. Having sat on both sides of the desk, as author and as publisher, I know about that stuff.
If you are like me, you will cringe at the idea of flogging your own book. In my natal family I learned very early that you should never brag. You should never pat yourself on the back. If what you do is good enough, others will notice and applaud. But not you. Never.
If your home was more pious than mine, you would have had an option. You could ascribe it all the glory to God. It was none of your doing. It was God’s work.
David was a very talented administrator, a charismatic leader and a skilled general. Everything in the kingdom was working just fine. So now what?
Well, how about building a house for God? “I would do this for the glory of God, you understand. Not for me. Only for God.”
And God’s response? “Yeah, right. Tell me about it, David.”
The thing is, I can understand David in this passage much better than I can understand the prophet Nathan. Or God for that matter.
The whole thing begs the question. How do you separate God’s will and your own ego?

Psalm 89:20-37 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
20 "I have chosen my successor," says God. "I have chosen you.
You will take my place.
21 For years, I have taught you my vision;
now I want you to take it forward into the future.
22 To avoid being controlled by bureaucrats,
to protect yourself against fast-talking promoters and bottom-line economists,
23 you must always ask yourself what I would do.
24 By keeping me in mind, my reputation and yours will both grow.
25 What I have started, you will continue;
through you, my influence will spread.
26 I have been your launching pad –
27 Now it's up to you to carry on.
28 I want to be proud of you.
29 As long as you pursue my vision, you will prosper.
30 But if you wander off my way,
if you lust after competitive advantage and chase after quick profits,
31 if you sell out to other gods and other goals,
32 then you will destroy yourself.
You will lose all credibility;
You will go ethically bankrupt.
33 Even so, I will never turn against you.
34 I have adopted you into my family;
you are a member of my household.
35 I have promised it; I do not lie.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

Ephesians 2:11-22 – Ephesians and the story of David ask the question, “Where is God’s dwelling place? Implicit in the way we build and maintain our church buildings is the idea that it is “the house of God.”
At the end of the 14th century, an obscure mystic we call Julian of Norwich had some very radical ideas. Here’s what she wrote:
“God has chosen no other place to live except in our souls. This dwelling that God has chosen in our souls is beautiful and stately. There, God touches us and rejoices in our love far more than sorrowing over our failings. God wants us to live gladly and cheerfully, even though this life sometimes feels like punishment.
“God wants us to look beyond the pain that we feel to the joy we can trust.”
from “The Essence of Julian,” by Ralph Milton, Northstone 2002.

Mark 6:30-34, 53-56 – It’s July. In the northern hemisphere – or at least in the northern part of the northern hemisphere – July is the warmest month of the year and therefore vacation time.
This passage shows us that even Jesus and his friends needed to get away from it all once in awhile. It didn’t work. When Jesus saw people hurting, he couldn’t help but go out to them, even when his emotional gas tank was down to the fumes.
And so my yearly appeal to all my friends who labor in God’s vineyard, is to take that vacation. Don’t take along any catch-up reading. Your mind needs a rest too.
Your body – your mind – are the temples in which God dwells. If you don’t give yourself the needed rest, you will find it hard to be aware of God’s presence in your soul.

“A House for God,” is the children’s version of the story about David and Nathan. It’s on page 158 of “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B.” The story from the Mark passage is called “The Crowd Follows Jesus,” and is on page 160.
There’s an article about this Bible story project in the Wood Lake Publishing newsletter, “Insight.” You can find it by clicking on this somewhat intimidating web address:
http://insight.createsend5.com/T/ViewEmail/r/B1CAEEA45FEA04FC/52811B5EFB7351EC2540EF23F30FEDED
Scroll down a bit and you’ll find it.
If you are travelling to our beautiful Okanagan Valley this summer to attend the General Council of the United Church of Canada, watch for announcements of the official launch of this three-volume set of children’s stories. You will be able to have the set autographed by the artist, Margaret Kyle and myself.
If not, then click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod

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Rumors – It’s the middle of summer.
The congregation is sparse because half of them are away doing what all of us would like to do in July – goofing off.
I heard of a well-known theologian who claimed he spent two months one summer and didn’t think about God once. Knowing the man, I find that hard to believe. But it begs the question. Does vacation time for active church leaders – lay and professional – mean taking a vacation from God?
Well, that’s a bit hard to do, at least if we believe that God is with us all the time, whether we are aware of it or not. But maybe we can take a little vacation from the heavy-duty ways we often think about God. Maybe we plug our spiritual arteries with all that profound thinking.
One summer, Bev and I were sitting on a beach under the shade of a huge cottonwood. She had a batch of professional journals (Bev is clergy) and I had a batch of books I hadn’t managed to read during the course of the year. All “serious” stuff.
At one point we realized we had spent several house there, and neither of us had looked at either book or magazine. We’d simply sat and soaked in the warmth of a summer day, and let our minds free-wheel.
We talked over lunch and tried to recall what it was, exactly, that we had been thinking about. Neither of us could remember. But we felt relaxed and refreshed, both physically and spiritually. So who says God wasn’t part of that day-dreaming?
In the church where Bev and I now worship (we’re both now retired) the folks in the pews on a July Sunday are mostly regulars. They are, generally, the “old faithful,” for whom church is a lifetime habit. Many of them are active, hard workers in God’s vineyard.
Maybe this might be a good Sunday to tell them to just relax. All year long you work hard to build a faithful, worshipping community. Maybe we could be like the prophet Nathan and tell them to leave a bit of work for the folks in the future. Let your minds and your bodies free-wheel for awhile. Take a break from trying so hard.
Give God a bit of room to move out of our heads and heal our whole beings. Then we might be able to believe the truth about ourselves, “no matter how beautiful it is.”
Note: Some of you will be asking if I practice what I preach. Well, yes. I wrote the little outburst above for Aha!!! magazine way back in 1994.

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Undefinable Virtues
An eleven hour drive, alone, gives ample opportunity to reflect on other drivers’ habits.
And I must say that, with one or two minor exceptions, they were very good. No one did anything stupid.
Don’t confuse stupid with illegal. In truth, almost every driver was doing something illegal – minor speeding. Not wearing seatbelts. Rolling though stop signs. Failing to signal lane changes…
But the closest thing I saw to “stupid” were a few drivers who plodded along just under the speed limit while a kilometre-long line of cars formed behind them waiting for a chance to pass.
But generally, everyone applied common sense and courtesy. Which occasionally means breaking the rules. Because the rules are simply an attempt to codify common sense and courtesy.
Unfortunately, there’s no way to enforce common sense. Governments can legislate rules of the road, safety standards, training procedures… But legislation will never prevent someone from dozing off at the wheel.
As I’ve heard said, you can prohibit someone from doing wrong, but you can’t make them do good. You can create laws against murder, fraud, extortion, theft, assault, lying… But can’t force anyone to be kind, thoughtful, loyal, generous…
Generosity, for example, has to be voluntary. If I’m forced to give a certain percentage of my income away, if I have no choice, I’m more likely to feel resentful than compassionate.
Idealistic people often claim that all religions and cultures value the same things – honesty, truth, altruism, compassion… I’m not sure they’re right. I suspect that some societies placed their highest value on ruthlessness, revenge, deceit, and duplicity. The ancient Vikings might have been such a society– Norse legends suggest that not even their gods played fair. Wall Street might be another.
It did occur to me that our society is built on trust. Of course we lock our doors at night and hold onto our credit cards – that’s just common sense. But we trust that the vegetables in the grocery store haven’t been poisoned; that the post office will deliver our mail intact; that a neighbour won’t plunder our carrot patch at night…
But a society built on distrust would quickly degenerate into a seething cauldron of every-man-for-himself paranoid individualists. There could be no family, no friends, no partners.
I see that demonstrated on the highway. When I pass a huge semi-trailer unit, I have to trust that he will not swerve into my lane and crush me like a cockroach. When I enter a two-lane bridge with steel girders on both sides, at 100 km/hr, I have to trust that the person approaching me equally fast will stay on her side of the yellow line. Because as we pass in opposite directions, only inches separate us.
Maybe our highways give us a clue. Common sense and courtesy can’t be defined; violations of them can be. Perhaps the values that are truly universal are those that can’t be enforced or precisely defined.
If, as those idealists claim, all religions espouse the same basic values, they will be the values that defy definition. Any attempt to quantify love, kindness, compassion, loyalty, inevitably becomes either a maximum or a minimum – an extreme rather than the imprecise but practical middle ground we take for granted.

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Good Stuff – This is from Wayne Seybert of Longmont, Colorado. It’s been around before and is a bit improbable, but makes a good point.
The teacher wanted to explain evolution to a class of six-year-olds.
Teacher: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
Tommy: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
Teacher: Did you see God up there?
Tommy: No.
Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because God isn't there. God just doesn't exist.
Little girl: Teacher! May I ask Tommy some questions?
Teacher: Yes you may.
Little girl: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Little girl: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
Tommy: Yessssss!
Little girl: Did you see the sky?
Tommy: Yessssss!
Little girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
Tommy: Yes.
Little girl: Do you see her brain?
Tommy: No.
Little girl: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly may not even have one!

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Warwick Hambleton of Huntly New Zealand writes: “Our church was abuzz this morning about a certain petrol company that had announced, with all seriousness, and with regret, that it had had to put up its prices "in order to remain competitive."

April Dailey of Ford City, Pennsylvania writes: “The Lord's Prayer is a never ending source of kid's ‘bloopers.’ The one I heard most recently was from third-grader, Jacob –‘Thy Kingdom dumb.’ Then he said ‘Oops, My mom always reminds me that's not right.’”
Says April, “These things are further proof of God’s sense of humor!!”

An anonymous person in Kingston, Ontario, saw this hymn text in the bulletin.
For the joy of human love,
brother, sister, parent, child,
fiends on earth, and friends above. . .

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – You cannot do kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.
Ralph Waldo Emerson via Mary in Oman
Make it simple. But not too simple."
Albert Einstein via Stephani Keer

Many a train of thought never reaches its station.
source unknown via Evelyn McLachlan

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We Get Letters – Bill Watt notes a rather serious omission on my part. I had quoted the catechism as saying our chief end is to “enjoy God forever.” Bill points out that the catechism says our chief end is “to glorify God and enjoy him forever." Thanks Bill.

Kris Bair of Wilson, Kansas enjoyed the compound nouns we had in Rumors a couple of weeks ago. He remembers a book called, “An Exaltation of Larks,” or “The Venereal Game,” by James Lipton. It includes:
* a murder of crows
* a skulk of foxes
* a crash of rhinoceroses
* a parliament of owls (O, would that it were so!)
* a herd of harlots
* a superfluity of nuns
* a converting of preachers
* a pontificality of prelates
* a sneer of butlers
* a flush of plumbers
* a rash of dermatologists
* an odium of politicians.

And Roy Anderson of Somerset, England offers this list.
* a castle of rooks
* a nest of crows
* a crop of scissors
* a gallery of washing
* a clink of bottles
* a boredom of televisions
* a firm of handles
* a plate of learners
* a deception of photos
* a shadow of memories

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “safe in church”)
How to live a long time without ever having an accident:
1. Do not ride in an auto – they cause 20 percent of all fatal accidents.
2. Do not stay at home – 17 percent of all accidents happen there.
3. Do not walk in the street – 15 percent of all accidents happen to pedestrians.
4. Do not travel by air, rail, or water – 16 percent of all accidents result from these activities.
5. Only .001 percent of all accidents happen in church.
Note: Recent statistics also show that more people die in hospitals than anywhere else, but only a tiny percentage of deaths happen in church – the look on the faces of pew-sitters notwithstanding.

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Bottom of the Barrel – There were three monks who belonged to an order which has a vow of silence. The monks were so tired of not speaking, that they wrote a note to the abbot requesting special permission to speak. (Their vow allowed for such permission to be sought.) The abbot agreed to let them each speak one sentence after breakfast, but not all on the same day: the oldest would speak first, then after a year the second one could speak, then after another year the youngest could speak. And so on.
So the next morning after breakfast, the abbot nodded to the oldest monk, who spoke his sentence: “I like porridge.”
A year passed, and it was now the turn of the second monk to speak. After they had cleared away the breakfast plates, he said, “I hate porridge.”
Another year passed, and at last it was the turn of the youngest to speak. The others were wondering what he was going to say. As breakfast finished, they all looked at him.
Said he, “I’m getting awfully tired of this constant bickering over porridge!”

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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – 2 Samuel 7:1-14a
Please feel free to adapt this to your own needs.

Reader One: Have you ever imagined what you would do if you won a million bucks in the lottery?
Reader Two: Sure. But I’ll never win the lottery.
One: Why?
Two: Because I never buy a lottery ticket. Actually, I guess I do win because I keep the money I would have spent on a ticket.
One: If I had a million bucks I’d use it to build us a big new church. I’d do it for the glory of God.
Two: Sure. And they’d name the church after you. St. (add person’s name) Church.
One: (defensively) Well, what’s wrong with that?
Two: Because if you did it for God, why would you name the church after yourself?
One: Well….ah…
Two: You’re a bit like King David. He had the money. He wanted to build a temple – for God, you understand – and it would be named King David’s Temple.
One: And that’s a sneaky way to lead us into today’s Bible story.
Two: I know. But it worked. Our scripture story is from the 2nd Chapter of the book of Samuel.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
One: Now when King David was settled in his house, and God had given him rest from all his enemies around him, the king spoke to the prophet Nathan:
Two: See now, I am living in a house of cedar, but the ark of God stays in a tent.
One: And Nathan said to the king, "Go, do all that you have in mind; for God is with you." But that same night the word of God came to Nathan:Two: Go and tell my servant David: Thus says God.
One: Are you the one to build me a house to live in? I have not lived in a house since the day I brought up the people of Israel from Egypt to this day, but I have been moving about in a tent and a tabernacle. Wherever I have moved about among all the people of Israel, did I ever speak a word with any of the tribal leaders of Israel, whom I commanded to shepherd my people Israel, saying, "Why have you not built me a house of cedar?"Two: And so God commanded me to say this to King David.
One: I took you from the pasture, from following the sheep to be prince over my people Israel; and I have been with you wherever you went, and have cut off all your enemies from before you; and I will make for you a great name, like the name of the great ones of the earth. And I will appoint a place for my people Israel and will plant them, so that they may live in their own place, and be disturbed no more; and evildoers shall afflict them no more, as formerly, from the time that I appointed judges over my people Israel; and I will give you rest from all your enemies.
Two: And this is what God declares to you, King David.
One: I will make you a house. When your days are fulfilled and you lie down with your ancestors, I will raise up your offspring after you, who shall come forth from your body, and I will establish his kingdom. He shall build a house for my name, and I will establish the throne of his kingdom forever. I will be a father to him, and he shall be a son to me.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Preaching Materials for July 12, 2009

R U M O R S # 559
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-07-05

July 5th, 2009

DANCING YOUR DELIGHT
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.

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The Story – a little too much skin
Rumors – the king dances
Bloopers – ninety-two temptations
We Get Letters – texting the commandments
Mirabile Dictu! – cry under water
Bottom of the Barrel – finding Adam and Eve
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – 2 Samuel 6:1-5, 12b-23
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – The minister was booming out a long, dark sermon about adultery. “Thou shalt not commit adultery!” he thundered.
In the pew, gray-haired Mabel leaned over and whispered to her equally gray and somewhat bald husband, “Don’t worry, George. You find it hard enough to commit monogamy.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, July 12th, which is Proper 10 [15].
* 2 Samuel 6:1-5, 12b-19 or Amos 7:7-15
* Psalm 24 or Psalm 85:8-13
* Ephesians 1:3-14
* Mark 6:14-29

2 Samuel 6:1-5, 12b-23 – The Story we have chosen (from the Revised Common Lectionary) is a continuation of the David saga which goes through into August.

Jim says –
There’s an abundance of preaching material available for this Sunday – my homiletic cup overflows, so to speak: the beheading of John, the sweeping vision of Ephesians, the soaring prose of Psalm 24, the metaphoric vision of Amos...
Still, I’ll go with the David story, but I get so frustrated with the censors of the RCL. They leave out all the juicy bits! Don’t they trust church-goers with the whole story? In this passage, they skip over the effects of irreverently touching the Ark, and ignore the consequences for David’s wife Michal (v. 20-23).
Anyway, the main story is restoring the Ark of the Covenant to Jerusalem. It’s brought back with mighty celebration. David frolics so enthusiastically that he exposes his private parts to public view.
According to legend, Menelek, son of the Queen of Sheba, who later became one of King Solomon’s many wives, took the Ark away with him. The Ethiopian Church maintains to this day that the original Ark is housed in St. Mary’s church in Axum, in northern Ethiopia.
Whether their belief is true or false – since no one is allowed inside that church – the real question is, “If _we_ were bringing back the Ark, where would we bring it back to?”
Should it be in Jerusalem? If so, where? In the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, where six Christian denominations squabble constantly over territorial rights? In the Moslem Dome of the Rock, site of Solomon’s Temple? Or should it go to the Smithsonian in Washington, or the British Museum in London?
And what do our choices say about what we consider to be our Holy Places?
Ralph says –
The lectionary skips over verses 6-12a, which is too bad but understandable. But then it chops off the end of the story by not telling what David faced when he got home. Which is the best part of the story, in my view.
So we are continuing to the end of the chapter, i.e. verse 23.
Bringing the ark of the covenant into Jerusalem had huge symbolic significance for David and the Hebrews. It was God’s stamp of approval of David’s kingship and his choice of Jerusalem at the capitol. This story could be regarded as the high point of all Hebrew history when Jerusalem became the “Holy City” for three of the world’s major religions – Judaism, Islam and Christianity.
It’s small wonder David got carried away. He may well have had a bit too much wine. Whatever it was, he danced in ecstasy dressed in a linen ephod. We don’t really know what an ephod looked like, but we do know it was an important ceremonial vestment. It may have been a bit like an apron, and if that was all he was wearing, the folks watching along the parade route saw quite a lot of David.
At least Michal, David’s wife, didn’t think it covered quite enough and she gave him a royal chewing out when he got home.
It’s a great story for our time because it’s about worship, it’s about celebration, it’s about concepts of decency, it’s about life in a marriage.
It’s also about the treatment of women. Michal, sentenced to a lifetime of childlessness, was given the harshest punishment a Hebrew woman could receive.

Psalm 24:1-10 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 Turning and turning, our pale blue globe
burns bright in the blackness of eternity.
The Earth is the Lord's, and all that is in it –
All life embodied in the only home we know.
2 God created life in the oceans,
and nourishes it with nutrients from the mountains.
3 Trace the course of a river to its source;
Stand among the mountains and marvel.
Who would dare defile this paradise?
4 God sees through our deceit and pretence;
We cannot claim innocence with dirty hands.
We can only approach God with clean hands and pure hearts;
5 Then we will see a smile on the face of God,
Then will God's wisdom be evident in the world.
6 So seek the Lord in high and holy places;
7 Let the vast valleys throw open their arms;
Let the summits stand tall in pride,
For this is the home of the Lord!
8 With all the glory of the universe to choose from,
With all of creation quivering in expectation,
The Lord of life picked this planet as home.
9 So throw open your valleys, O earth!
Spread wide your plains to welcome the Lord!
10 For the Lord of all creation lives here.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

Ephesians 1:3-14 – Paul seems overwhelmed by the magnitude of the gift God has lavished on us. And we, of course, want to know what we need to do to deserve or pay for this gift. And the answer of course is nothing.
But just a minute. The old Westminster Confession asks, “What is the chief end of man [sic]?” And the answer is to enjoy God forever.
Have you ever given a gift and known that your gift will be appreciated and enjoyed for days, months, years? That knowledge is your reward.
Have you ever danced with a baby, or sung to a baby, or played silly games with a baby and been rewarded with a bright, beaming smile?
That experience is the closest I can get to understanding why God showers us with love and grace.
God doesn’t want flattery or promises. God wants a bubbly grin and a kicking of legs in delight as we enjoy simply being together in love.

Mark 6:14-29 – A social pressure that can sometimes be a curse is the need to save face. To not look stupid. Or ignorant. Or weak.
This is about King Herod saving face. He kind of liked John the Baptist, or at least liked to hear him preach. But John kept yelling about Herod’s illegal marriage. And then, at a party, when his daughter did some fancy dancing, he offered her anything she wanted. Her mama told her to ask for John’s head and to save face in front of all the guests Herod had so say yes.
When people with a high public persona mess up, they don’t confess, learn from their mistake and resolve to do better. They bring in the damage control people in order to save face.
Instead of everyone learning from the mistake, they and their public all lose.

There’s a children’s version of the David story, “King David and the Holy Ark,” on page 155, of “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B.” And there’s a children’s version of Psalm 24, “A Song – God Made All of Us,” on page 157.
Those of you in the United Church of Canada who may be coming to our neck of the woods for the General Council meeting in August, please look for information about a launch party for this three-volume series. You’ll be able to get a set autographed by both Margaret Kyle (the illustrator) and myself.
There’ll also be an open house at Wood Lake Books which would give us a chance to connect, and you can get some great book bargains.

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Rumors – The King Dances
From “Man to Man,” by Ralph Milton. Wood Lake Books, 1993.

Jerusalem was the military and political capital of the nation, but David was also convinced that God was directing his life and the life of his nation. David had a deep and personal relationship with God. So he decided to bring the Ark of the Covenant into Jerusalem, to turn Jerusalem the political capital and into Jerusalem, the holy city.
The Ark was the most important religious symbol of the northern tribes. Wherever the Ark was, they figured that's where God was too. God was everywhere, but God was particularly present in the Ark.
For David, this felt like the most important moment in his life. He took his whole army, 30,000 soldiers, to parade the Ark down the road to Jerusalem. They put it on a brand new cart, and David with his whole entourage danced and sang in front of it. It was quite a festival.
But Murphy's Law worked in David's day too. Uzzah, one of the priests walking beside the ark, reached out to steady the ark when the oxen jerked the cart. Zap! He was dead as a doornail.
"Time out!" yelled David. "This Ark is too hot to handle." He turned to his friend Obed-edom. "Can you take care of the Ark for me while I figure out what to do next?"
A few months later one of his advisors brought David a report. "Obed-edom is having great success with that Ark. Everything works out for him. No matter what he tries, it works."
"Well," said David. "Let's finish the job."
Out came all the soldiers and singers and dancers to see the Ark the rest of the way into Jerusalem. David staged an elaborate religious ceremony followed by a big celebration. David had never felt closer to God, except perhaps during his very first years in the hills above Bethlehem. David danced his joy in front of the whole procession, wearing just a linen ephod, a kind of apron that covered only the front of his body. Sort of. When he wasn't whirling around, that is.
Then everyone went home, including David who didn't know what hit him when he walked in the door.
"So! How's the big man?" Michal, his wife, was flaming mad. "Did you have fun dancing around stark naked in front of those sweet, innocent girls? Did the great king of Israel enjoy himself, showing his bare buns to all those panting bimbos?"
"Hah!" yelled David. "Who do you think you're talking to? You're just jealous because it's me who's king and not, Saul, your old man. Well, like it or lump it. Those girls liked what they saw, and I'll show them even more if I want. But as for you, this is the last you've seen of me!"
It was a battle Michal couldn't win. David held all the aces. Now she wouldn't even have children, which was the one thing that gave a woman any status in those days. Michal lived out her days on the fringes of the harem while David forgot all about her and went on to plan his next triumph.

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Jim did not file a column this week. He had to help out with a family medical emergency.

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Steph McClellan of Gander, Newfoundland says she heard an announcement promoting Stella Burry Community Services. “Many United Church Women are now having showers in honour of Stella Burry."

In Bill Keanes comic, “The Family Circus,” the little boy is saying the Lord’s Prayer. “…forgive those who trespass against us. And leave us ninety-two temptations…”

Mark Brantley-Gearhart of Snyder, Texas writes: Our care committee delivers flowers to shut-ins, but recently ran out of vases. So in staff meeting I said to the secretary, "Please put an announcement in the bulletin that we need more bud vases."
"What?!" she cried, and started laughing.
"What did you think I said?" I asked.
"I'm not going to tell you!" she said, putting her hand to her mouth in a pitiful attempt to control her snickering.
Then it hit me. "Was it... 'butt faces'?"
Shaking her head "yes", she laughed so hard she cried.

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – "I've found grace inside of a sound / I've found grace, it's all that I found / And I can breathe"
Bono (U2) via Chris Hayes

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. source unknown via Mary of Oman

Save the Earth. It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!
source unknown via Vern Ratzlaff
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We Get Letters – Carl Boyke sent a copy of an Andy Capp comic which reminded him of the Ten Commandments in the cell-phone texting code we had on Rumors a couple of weeks ago.
Andy is walking with the vicar. The vicar is explaining that he puts a great deal of work into his sermons to attract a younger congregation. “Ah,” says Andy, “that explains last Sunday’s Moses and the Ten Text Messages.”

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “cry under water!”)
Vern Ratzlaff of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan has confessed. These are the questions that keep him awake at night.
* Can you cry under water?
* How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
* Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a “penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
* Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
* What disease did cured ham actually have?
* How is it that we put people on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
* Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
* Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
* Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
* Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
* If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
* Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
* If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
* Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
* Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
* Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

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Bottom of the Barrel – Sherlock Holmes died and went to heaven.
“We are certainly glad you are here,” said St. Peter. “We have a bit of a mystery we’d like you to solve.”
“I should be delighted,” said Holmes. “I am at your service.”
“We seem to have lost Adam and Eve. We know they are here, but they seem to have assumed a disguise. We can’t identify them.”
It wasn’t long before Sherlock Holmes came to St. Peter with Adam and Eve in tow.
“How did you know?” asked St. Peter. “How could you identify them so easily?”
“Elementary, my dear Peter,” said Holmes. “They were the only ones who had no navels.”

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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – 2 Samuel 6:1-5, 12b-23
NOTE: You are welcome to adapt Reader’s Theatre to suit your situation. For instance, David Gilchrist writes, “I always set it up with a separate person for each part instead of just the two readers, giving each part a different colour.”

Reader I: Before we read this story for the folks, you have to tell me what an ark is.
Reader II: That’s easy enough. It simply means a box, or a chest or a coffin.
I: But what about Noah’s ark. That was a boat.
II: Yes, it was a very large, water-proof box. The Israelites didn’t have much language about boats and ships. They always lived inland, so they didn’t know much about that sort of thing.
I: In this story, they talk about the ark of God. Where they saying that God lived in that box?
II: Well, yes and no.
I: I hate that. “Yes and no!” Just give me the facts.
II: Well, yes, because some of the people believed that. Others didn’t. Some said it held the tablets on which God carved the Ten Commandments.
I: So where is it now?
II: Nobody knows. The tiny nation of Israel was beaten up by powerful neighbors so often, and any one of them could have made off with it. Anyway, this is a legend so we don’t know how much basis it has in real history.
I: Well, this is a great story, about them bringing the Ark of God to Jerusalem. I guess that was important to King David because it made Jerusalem the official capital of Israel.
II: David got pretty excited about it all. He might have had a few glasses of wine to celebrate.
I; And he dances his fool head off. Enough to make Michal (MEE-kal) his wife, spitting mad. She said he showed off a little more of himself than he should have.
II: And David hammers her for it. Michal is condemned to a life without babies, and in ancient Israel, nothing could be worse for a woman, than being barren.
I: Enough. Let’s read the story. This is from Second Samuel, chapter 6.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: David gathered all the chosen men of Israel, thirty thousand. All of them set out and went from Baale-judah, (ball-JU-da) to bring up from there the ark of God, which is called by the name of the Lord of hosts who is enthroned on the cherubim.
II: They carried the ark of God on a new cart. David and all the people of Israel were dancing before the Lord with all their might, with songs and lyres and harps and tambourines and castanets and cymbals.
I: When those who bore the ark of the Lord had gone six paces, David sacrificed an ox and a fatling.
II: David, who was wearing a linen ephod, danced before the Lord with all his might. He and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the Lord with shouting, and with the sound of the trumpet.
I: As the ark of the Lord came into the city of David, his wife Michal, who was the daughter of King Saul, looked out of the window, and saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord. She despised him in her heart.
II: They brought in the ark of the Lord, and set it in its place, inside the tent that David had pitched for it; and David offered burnt offerings and offerings of well-being before the Lord.
I: When David had finished offering the burnt offerings and the offerings of well-being, he blessed the people in the name of the Lord of hosts, and distributed food among all the people, the whole multitude of Israel, both men and women, to each a cake of bread, a portion of meat, and a cake of raisins. Then all the people went back to their homes.
II: When David had finished offering the burnt offerings and the offerings of well-being, he blessed the people in the name of the Lord of hosts,
I: David returned to bless his household. But Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David.
II: "Well, now, the king of Israel honored himself today, uncovering himself before the eyes of his servants' maids, as any vulgar fellow might shamelessly uncover himself!"
I: "It was before the Lord, who chose me in place of your father and all his household, to appoint me as prince over Israel, the people of the Lord. So yes, I have danced before the Lord. I will make myself yet more contemptible than this, and I will be abased in my own eyes; but by the maids of whom you have spoken, by them I shall be held in honor."
II: And Michal, the daughter of Saul, had no child to the day of her death.

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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Preaching Materials for July 5, 2009

R U M O R S #558
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-06-28

June 28, 2009

SURVIVING LIFE
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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It’s great to receive your notes. And I appreciate whatever you send even if it turns out to be something that’s already appeared here.
Please put your name and where you are from in your notes. Even if this is the 537th time you’ve written to me. My old brain just doesn’t retain those kinds of things.
Sorry if that sounds a bit whiney.
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The Story – the legend of Abigail
Rumors – we do what we have to do
Soft Edges – building consensus
Bloopers – old, male angels
We Get Letters – a platitude of morticians
Mirabile Dictu! – used once
Bottom of the Barrel – read at your own risk
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – 1 Samuel 25 selected verses.
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – This from Anneliese Martin of Manitou Springs, Colorado.
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”
Artie said: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.” Eugene commented: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.” Al said: “I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, July 5th, which is Proper 9 [14].

2 Samuel 5:1-5, 9-10 or Ezekiel 2:1-5
Psalm 48 or Psalm 123
2 Corinthians 12:2-10
Mark 6:1-13

The Story – 1 Samuel 25 selected verses. Check out the “Readers’ Theatre” below. The whole story is a bit long, but I’ve condensed it to a more manageable size.

Ralph says:
We didn’t choose the lections selected in the Revised Common Lectionary because they offered a rather thin gruel. And the story of Abigail in Chapter 25 isn’t in the lectionary at all. Which is a shame, because her story connects with so many realities in our own lives.
It’s the “is-ness business.” All of us find ourselves in the lives we are in because of all the big and small decisions during the course of our lives. There’s a whole batch of things in our lives, in our families, in our communities, in our churches, in ourselves that are not likely to change.
Bev and I often try to get each other to stop fussing by saying, “That simply is.” On top of my computer stands a metal caricature of Don Quixote. He continually reminds me that we “dream the impossible dreams” and we “fight the unbeatable foe,” everyday in our struggles for peace and justice and faithfulness.
But it’s important to pick our battles. It’s important to choose a few places where there is at least a possibility of change. Faithfulness isn’t about flailing around over every issue that comes our way. Faithfulness is about focusing our resources and energies where they might do some good.
There’s a whole range of issues about which we must say, “That simply is.” To fuss, fight, struggle, complain, agonize, worry about things that we know we can’t affect is a recipe for burn-out or mental breakdown.
Abigail was such a person. She picked her battles. If it had been around in her day, I think she would have had the famous “Serenity Prayer” taped to her bathroom mirror. If she’d had a bathroom.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Reinhold Niebuhr

Jim says –
Three people’s stories intersect here: Nabal, Abigail, and David.
Nabal reminds me of an asthmatic bulldog, growling at everything.
Abigail was probably given to him as a child bride; it sounds unlikely that she chose such an irascible partner. But she is one gustsy woman, who could be a role model for many women today.
And of course, there’s David. Most governments today would brand David’s band of brigands as a “terrorist organization.” Certainly David lived outside the law. But like Hamas and Hezbollah, he was also the local security force and perhaps the social work agency. Within his sphere of influence, he protected flocks and shepherds; he kept rival gangs away.
In return, he expected local citizens to donate to his cause.
When Nabal baulked at this bargain, David led a squad of enforcers to punish Nabal. But Abigail intervened. Amazingly, Nabal’s employees took orders from a mere woman. She greeted David with a peace offering from Nabal’s inventory.
Nabal got so apoplectic at a wife usurping his authority that he had a heart attack. David was so impressed that he took Abigail as an additional prize.
In time, Abigail became a queen.
Those who insist that the Bible is the basis for “family values” – whatever those are – might consider that David, so often portrayed as a model servant of God, was a polygamist. The Bible records, at a minimum, Abigail, Ahinoam, Michal, Bathsheba, and a Shunnamite woman who is never named.
Polygamy aside, I would explore how some terrorists get raised to role models, and others remain villains. I suspect it has more to do with how they eventually turn out than with what they actually do.

2 Samuel 5:1-5, 9-10 (or Ezekiel 2:1-5) – For the people who passed along the legend of David, it was very important that their king obeyed God. Israel was a theocracy. The health of the state was directly related to how closely the king adhered to the expectations of God.
There was a time, not long ago, when it was really important that leaders were faithful members of the church – and it had to be the “right church.” That is no longer true. We’re actually more comfortable now if our leaders are not strongly identified with one denomination or another.
We are anything but a theocracy. Is that an improvement?

Psalm 48 (or Psalm 123) – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 When good things happen, when things go right,
give God the praise;
give God the glory.
2 Raise your eyes; look upward to the Lord.
The glory of the Lord looms over us, like a mountain,
like a mountain of ice towering above the tundra.
3 In the shadows of God's ramparts, no one would dare defy us.
4 No, not even the kings and rulers of this world.
They gather in force, confident of their powers;
5 They disintegrate in wonder, as they recognize their pathetic powers.
6 They were as helpless as a newborn child.
They cried out, and collapsed,
unable to support their own pride on their feeble limbs.
7 Like leaves before an autumn wind, they scattered.
8 We do not lie;
we witness in truth to what we have seen and what we have heard.
The realm of God is secure;
it is safe from human depredation.
9 It is more than human minds can grasp;
we struggle to understand.
10 The wonders of God always extend beyond us;
they defy our attempts to confine them to our comprehension.
We do not even know the name of God.
11 We only know how to worship the Lord of creation,
the one who created us, and all creatures, and all communities of creatures.
Let them all praise God.
12 So spend your life learning about this Lord;
study the scriptures and the stories of salvation,
13 So that you may pass on to your successors the truth
14 That this is God.
There is but one God, now and forever.
This God will lead us forward into the future.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

2 Corinthians 12:2-10 – One of the games played by biblical scholars is to speculate on the “thorn in the flesh” that Paul experienced. Chronic malaria? Homosexuality? Epilepsy? A cranky wife? Those and more have been suggested by serious scholars.
It’s probably more useful to use Paul’s story to identify our own “thorn in the flesh.” What is it that keeps us from accepting God’s grace and entering in to a more full and complete relationship?
And what does it mean to say that God’s grace is sufficient? Suck it up and get with the program? Or is there a better way that God helps us deal with our own personal weakness?

Mark 6:1-13 – Most ministries begin with a honeymoon period when everybody is flexible and understanding and small irritations are overlooked.
This passage is about the end of Jesus’ honeymoon. Up till this point, as Mark tells the story, things have been going well, but then Jesus goes back to Nazareth. His relatives and neighbors, after being initially impressed, look at him and sniff. “We knew him when. . .”

The lectionary both liberates and limits us. It liberates us from riding our favorite hobby-horses, but it also keeps us from encountering parts of the Bible that are not in it. Such as the story of Abigail. Like some other good stories, it’s not in the lectionary and therefore also not in the Lectionary Story Bible.
There are, of course, stories from the readings prescribed for July 5th. “David Becomes King,” is on page 152 and “Jesus’ Friends Become Apostles,” based on the reading from Mark, is on page 163.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod

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Rumors – The story of Abigail – “We do what we have to do."
(NOTE: Read this story all the way through before you decide to use it for worship or study group. It’s a bit ripe in a few places. You’re welcome to revise it to suit your needs. Or it might simply give you a few ideas on how to describe a feisty female survivor.)

"And how would you like a swift kick in the family jewels?" That's what I'd tell them when they pounded on the door in the middle of the night looking for cheap wine and cheap sex.
My besotted father ran a wine shop in the slums of Carmel. The stuff we sold was cheap rot gut that kills most people if they drink enough. And our customers all drank enough. They'd buy a skin of wine in the afternoon, spend the evening getting themselves thoroughly bombed, then come staggering back at all hours of the night looking for more.
Papa was in no condition to help them by that point. He'd sampled his own merchandise steadily all day, and by nightfall, he was zonked out, snoring away in the back of the shop. My four older brothers were even less help. They spent most of their time and all of dad's money chasing around town with their buddies, and when they came home they'd devote themselves to making my life miserable. I ran the wine shop most of the time, and learned to think on my feet.
The only thing that made life bearable was Atarah, my younger sister. She was born when I was only ten, and I became her mama, because my mother died a few days after. Papa's been drunk every day since. So by the time I was fifteen, I knew how to handle babies – I knew how to handle drunks – I even knew what to say to the bozos who would pound on our door at midnight looking for more cheap wine to kill themselves with. They'd ask for wine and then they'd proposition me.
Usually I'd just insult their masculinity. "Go to hell, I'd say. You're too drunk to get it up anyway." That would usually send them off muttering. But some would persist, and then I'd threaten to kick them in the knackers and on more than one occasion I did exactly that. So by the time I hit twenty, I was and old maid with a reputation. Every man in town was scared of Abigail the nutcracker.
Hey, was I surprised when dad announced one morning that I was engaged! "Last night," he said. "I got Ichabod the herdsman drunk. He signed the marriage contract."
"You what?" I demanded. "Thanks for nothing. I whacked old Ichabod on the beak with an empty goat skin once. He wouldn't marry me if I was the last woman in Carmel. Besides, he's an ass and he smells of garlic."
"Of course he's an ass. You were expecting maybe Jonathan, the king's son? The rabbi was there to witness the marriage contract. So it's a done deal. He and the rabbi drank your dowry. Two flasks of wine."
I don't cry often, but I bawled that day. Thank God for Atarah, who listened to me rant and yell and cry and threaten. She was just a girl of ten but she know how to be my mother and my friend. She had a sense of faith and a sense of humor. We prayed and laughed together often, and sometimes I couldn't tell which was which. All I know is, it kept me from falling apart.
"Every girl dreams of a man who is strong, witty, good looking, intelligent, sensitive and rich. Ichabod may be a nabal, a fool, but he's rich. One out of six ain't bad for an old maid with two flasks of wine for a dowry."
"A herd of sheep is rich?"
"A nabal with a herd of sheep is better than a genius with a herd of cockroaches."
"Married to a nabal. I go from being the daughter of a drunk to the wife of a nabal. How come such good things keep happening to me? How come I am so doubly blessed?"
"I'm coming with you," said Atarah. "If I stay here with father, I'll be raped and pregnant by one of those drunks before you know it. I don't even mind being a second wife to the nabal if that's how it works out."
"Two brides for two flasks of wine? Such a deal."
Now it was Atarah's turn to cry. "Life is just so hard for women," she moaned. "We don't get to choose anything for ourselves."
"No sis, we don't. We do what we have to do, right? But you and me are going to plow into life snoot first and take our lumps. That's the only choice we have – to laugh at life and to pray to God. Then sometimes – not very often but sometimes – we can get to chose the lumps. Maybe we don't have to take absolutely everything this rotten life throws at us. We can't choose much, but we can choose something. Especially if we can manage a private laugh, you and me, now and then. We'll make it. God will help us, Atarah. We are going to make it.."
"We'll call him Nabal. You and I. When there's just the two of us, that's what we'll call him."
So Nabal he was. The word means fool. At least it does when you're in polite company. I've heard more colorful definitions in the wine shop.
You should have seen Atarah laugh when I told her about our wedding night. Nabal had all the finesse of billy goat in full rut. And then he wanted me to tell him the next morning how wonderful he was. I said, "Well, love. You were enthusiastic!"
As for David, my second husband. Well, he didn't write the Song of Songs either, let me tell you. But at least life with him was never boring. Terrifying often, but never boring.
Funny, you know. It was saving Nabal's backside that got me married to David. At that time, the great King David was nothing but a petty warlord running a protection racket in the hills around Carmel. David was in trouble with King Saul because the old king was nuttier than a fruitcake but not so nutty that he didn't realize David was going to take the throne away from his son Jonathan. So David was on the run and had to make a living somehow. He collected a bunch of ruffians who were also in trouble with the law, and they'd go to the herdsmen around and say, "How about giving me some food and wine and stuff as payment for 'protecting' you." And if they didn't come across, funny things would start to happen to the herd and to the sheepherders.
David had a gang of about 600 guys with him and they decided the folks around Carmel needed a lot of "protecting." People just paid up. What could they do?
Everyone except our brilliant Nabal. Nabal decides to be courageous. Nabal, with fifteen sheepshearers working for him and one rusty sword in the tent decides to stand up to David – the same David who killed Goliath; who used to be Saul's chief commander. When David sends his flunkies with a very "polite" request for some food and wine, Nabal tells them to stuff it in a place where the sun don't shine. And surprise! David and his boys strap on their swords and head to out to teach Nabal some manners.
David would have wiped us out. All of us. Except I heard what Nabal had said from one of my servants, so I grabbed all the food and wine I could get my hands on and headed out to intercept David. There he was – coming down the road – blood in his eye.
I did my "sweet young thing" act. I opened my cloak to show a nice bit of ripe young bosom. I minced up to him wiggling my backside and flattered him and fawned over him.
Hey, you think that's easy? For some women, maybe. I went to finishing school in dad's wine shop, remember? Learning how to whack a knee into a guys groin when he's all over you is not the best training to be a sex kitten. But you do what you have to do. The game is survival.
I told David what an ass Nabal was. And that's the name I used. Nabal. "He can't help being stupid. Nabal's mamma dropped him on his head when he was tadpole."
I knew the flattery and the food wouldn't be enough. David was no dummy – they said he was sharp as a whip. But listening to those guys in the wine shop, I had learned about men and the macho games they play in their heads. Even the sharp guys, the bright ones, play those games. It's amazing. For some reason, when Jewish guys have their pride punctured, they want revenge, but they want one of their buddies to get revenge for them. Makes them feel right good inside to have loyal comrades who go and do their dirty work for them. So I worked David over on that one.
And I called him "King of Israel." You always call a guy something he would like to be. Never what he really is, which in this case was a bush-fighter smelling of smoke and urine.
"I know how badly you would feel, O king-in-waiting, if you had to take revenge on Nabal for yourself. You'd feel guilty about that, wouldn't you. Why not consider my gift a payment for his insult? I know I'm just a woman and you are so strong and handsome and people say you are kind and gentle with poor women and young children."
He bought it. I felt liked a bit of a floozy manipulating the man like that, but you do what you have to do. And hey, did Atarah and I ever have a good laugh over it. It felt good to know I could outwit a guy like the famous David.
Nabal didn't laugh. Not at that. He was giggling in a corner, absolutely stone bottle-eyed drunk when I got home. So I waited till the next morning when he got out of bed with his head feeling tighter than a donkey's ass in fly season.
"Nabal, baby," I said to him. Then I realized I had called him that to his face. But I went right on. "Your sweet little wifey saved your backside yesterday. You spit in David's eye. I went and bought him off with good food, a lot of wine and a large dose of old-fashioned femininity. Because, duckey, David was on his way here with 600 guys, ready to string you up by your toes and slice you into very thin strips."
His face went the color of a baboon's backside. He sputtered a few times, then he went pure white. He just sat there. For ten days Nabal sat there, not saying or doing anything. Then he fell over dead.
The local gossip had it that David claimed this was God taking revenge on Nabal. God did it for David. Folks said David really believed it. He really believed it!
Well, I did a pretty fair job of mourning my late, great husband. Sack cloth. Ashes. Kyying. The works. You do what you have to do. What I hadn't counted on was being a widow. Nabal and I had no kids so I had a reasonable chance of hanging on to Nabal's estate. And I knew I could run the place a whole lot more efficiently and profitably than Nabal, which isn't saying a whole lot. But no sooner was the official mourning period over, then David sent one of his flunkies to tell me how highly David thought of me and what a beautiful and clever woman I was.
I said to Atarah. "Isn't this wonderful. I am being wooed." She giggled. Then I thought, do I want to be married to a petty warlord who runs a protection rack and lives in caves and smells of smoke and urine?
Then Atarah asked, "Do you have a choice?"
She was right of course. If David's pride was hurt because Nabal told him to shove it, the guy would have had a cat fit if a woman told him "no." He'd slice me into little pieces the way he planned to slice up Nabal!
The next day, another messenger from David came along and got right to the point. "David wants you for his wife." I shrugged and thought, "What you gotta do you gotta do." But I said to the messenger, "Look, I'm not used to living in caves with 600 men. I want to bring along my sister for company." I had a sneaking hunch that David might not be a great conversationalist.
David was only slightly better as a conversationalist than he was as a lover. My wedding night with David was a slow-motion replay of my wedding night with Nabal. Except that David's idea of romantic conversation was to talk about how many sheep and goats and other stuff we had there on the homestead. "It kind of puts romance in context," I said to Atarah, and we had a good laugh over that.
Look, I'm not complaining. Lots of women got things a whole lot worse than I did. I was never hungry. I was mad and frustrated lots of times. And scared. But never bored.
They said David was a man of God. It's hard to see a man of God when he's standing beside your bed, pot-bellied and stark naked. He might have been. Sometimes I thought so.
I know that Atarah was a woman of God. She helped me laugh. She helped me pray. She helped me survive.
"We women don't get much to work with in this world," I said to Atarah. "The breaks don't just naturally go our way. We use every bit of wit and savvy and faith we've got."
"Well sis," she said. "We've learned to laugh and pray. That doesn't make life easier, but it sure has helped us survive."

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Building Concensus
Our organizations might be better off without Robert’s Rules of Order.
Robert’s is, of course, the American text on Parliamentary Procedure. It is not the Canadian authority – although many Canadian organizations wrongly cite it. The Canadian authority is Bourinot, the standard used by the House of Commons in Ottawa.
Nevertheless, both Bourinot and Roberts agree on some basic principles.
One is that there can be no discussion until a formal motion defines the issue.
Another is that each person may speak only once (except the mover, who may also close the debate).
At a gathering recently, a woman described the effect of these principles. “If you’ve only got one chance to speak,” she said, “you tend to come out with all guns blazing to support your position. You have no idea yet how others will react, so you shoot down any opposition before it can come up.”
The tactic reminds me of old Wild West movies where the good guys drag in a Gatling gun to mow down the bad guys before they can return fire.
It’s hardly a process for building consensus.
I can say this, having had – for one period of my life – a reputation for writing absolutely scathing memos to colleagues in another office. I’ve seen some of them since then; I’m appalled at the tone of my words.
But I know why I did it. Because I had only one chance to convince them. My colleagues would then make their decision without further input from me. Their decision would affect my reputation.
So it was all or nothing.
I’ve often seen meetings where every speaker argued against an imagined opposition. When the actual vote came, everyone was in favour. The opposition was never there.
In a group of friends, ideas are traded, pros and cons weighed, implications considered… A consensus emerges.
The aboriginal practice of a circle works well, too, if the group is not too large. Everyone gets a chance to speak; everyone listens. No one interrupts; no one dominates. If there’s no consensus, you go around again.
But it can take a long time. So larger bodies tend to fall back on the rules of parliamentary procedure to expedite debate and discussion.
But there are other ways.
One church organization allows a speaker two minutes to present an idea. Any idea. It doesn’t have to be a formal motion – the official decision could get shaped later.
After two minutes, the other delegates indicate shades of support:
1. I love it, and I’ll work for it.
2. I agree.
3. I can accept it.
4. I disagree, but I won’t block it.
5. I disagree strongly, and I’ll block it if I can.
If the mood seems generally favorable, further discussion takes place.
But if enough people oppose the proposal strongly enough to resist it with any tactics short of terrorism, the proponents may withdraw their proposal, or take time to make it more acceptable.
It’s a much more practical process.

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Arn Main of Barrie, Ontario enjoyed the hymn “All Hail The power Of Jesus Name” that was on the LED screen in church. Arn says “The first line began okay – ‘Let angel’s prostrate fall’ and then followed with ‘Let angel’s prostate fall.’ Painful thought!”
Not painful at all, Arn. It proves my theory that angels are not cute, fat babies but gentle old men.

Horace King of Binghamton, New York, writes: “When I was engaged in a counseling ministry, my name appeared on the letter-board, and underneath it said, ‘therapist’. I was proud!
A week or so later, some wag had split the letters so that underneath my name appeared, ‘the rapist’!"

Denise Patterson of Simcoe (The one in Ontario, I think) writes: “My daughter was in her Sunday school class, and her teacher was going over the verses about ‘having the faith of a mustard seed.’
“My daughter leaned over to a friend and asked, ‘How much faith does a mustard seed have?’"

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers (or such like that-there stuff) in your church bulletin or newsletter (or anywhere else for that matter) please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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We Get Letters – A delightful batch of responses to my challenge around collective nouns.
David Evans of Moncton, New Brunswick, who has “four young ladies (all under twelve and all sisters or cousins) in a small rural church,” proposes “a giggle of girls.”
Ann Pollock of Castlegar, BC, also suggested a “giggle of girls” and just to be inclusive added, "tribe of little boys."

Albert Durksen of Winnipeg, Manitoba, was “surprised I did not see ‘a mound of grave diggers’ in your” list of collective nouns.
“Phil from ‘Down Under’” (Phil – you thought I’d remember your last name when the reality is, I can’t remember my grand-kids first names half the time) suggested “a solicitude of morticians” but then decided that “a platitude of morticians” would be even better.

Virginia Rickeman of Bethel, Maine, says she should have been “writing the minister's message for our church newsletter. Instead, my mind is occupied with:
a coil of snakes
a stack of beauty contestants
a rack of inquisitors
a forest of greens
a mountain of molehills
and other such mindless trivia....

Phil Gilman of Dunnellon, Florida says “you'll be sorry you asked” and contributes a whole list. So I’ll give him the last word.
a scratch of fleas
a pint of beer-guzzlersa tun of winos
a glutton of epicures
a wastebasket of editors
a crow of braggarts
a deletion of writers
a lot of realtors [true corn, that]
a skein of knitters
a basket of cagers
a classroom of pedants
a Basin of blues singers [from the right Street, of course]
a pitcher of ballplayers
a swat of flies
a Kipling of trees
a bane of telemarketers
a vacuum of carpet sweepers
an odium of name-coiners
and last, but not least,
a passing of Ralph's:

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Wish I’d Said That! – A sign on a local church reads: 'For a real treat try our Sundays.'
source unknown via Marilyn MacDonald

I would rather spend time wondering why I was never Prime Minister than spend time wondering why I was Prime Minister
Dennis Healey via George Brigham

Give others freedom. When you hold them captive to your own wishes, you destroy them.
Lisa Engelhardt via Mary in Oman

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “used once!”)
* Free. Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Hateful little dog.
* Free puppies. Half Cocker Spaniel. Half sneaky neighbor’s dog.
* Free puppies. Part German Shepherd. Part stupid dog.
* Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
* Nordic Track. Hardly used. Call Chubby.
* Hummers. Largest selection ever. “If it’s in stock, we have it!”
* Georgia peaches. California Grown, 89 cents a pound.
* Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once.
* Tired of working for only $9.75 an hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
* Joining nudist colony. Must sell washer and dryer.
* Open House Body Shapers Toning Salon. Free coffee and donuts.

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Bottom of the Barrel – This one is so “bottom” that it’s more of a hole underneath it. In fact, unless you are feeling quite perky, I’d suggest you not read it at all. And please don’t blame it on me. Blame it on Vern Ratzlaff. He thinks maybe he got it from me in the first place, but that couldn’t possibly be the case.
Whatever. Read at your own risk!

Once upon a time, in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea, two prawns were swimming around. One was called Justin and the other Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks. One Day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I were a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted', and behold – Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them, and he especially missed Christian.
One day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought, 'Perhaps he can change me back into a prawn.' He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and lo and behold, he found himself a prawn again.
The first thing he did was to swim over to Christian's home, and banging on the gate, he yelled, 'It's me, Justin; your old friend – come out and play with me again.'
But Christian said, 'No way; you're a shark and I'm afraid of you.'
Justin cried out, 'No, I'm not; that was the old me; I've changed; I found Cod; I'm a prawn again, Christian.'

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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – 1 Samuel 25 selected verses.
Note: If you want the shorter form of this chapter but don’t want to use the Readers’ Theatre version, just skip down to the actual scripture (after “Slight Pause”) and have just one person read the whole thing.

Reader I: She was a feisty woman!
Reader II: Who?
I: Abigail.
II: Abigail who?
I: This is starting to sound like a “knock-knock” joke.
I: I’m serious. I’ve never heard of any Abigail in the Bible.
II: I know. And that’s too bad, because Abigail was a feisty woman. Life had not dealt her a good hand. She was married to Nabal, a guy who was a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic.
I: Yeah, but where does she fit into the whole story? She didn’t just pop up, out of thin air.
II: Sorry. You’re right. Abigail is part of the legend of King David. So let me recap that story. David was a shepherd boy who managed to kill the giant Goliath, and then was taken into the household of King Saul.
David was really popular and that bugged King Saul to the point where he tried to kill David. So David high-tailed it out into the bush, where he gathered a bunch of other fugitives around him. He ran what amounted to a protection racket – telling the farmers and ranchers in the area that in exchange for money or food, he would protect their sheep and their crops. If they didn’t come across, then strange and terrible things would happen. So the smart farmers and ranchers came across.
So David and his gang made a nice living wandering around and demanding money or food from the various ranchers. And that’s where Abigail comes in.
I: OK. So let’s read the story. It’s from First Samuel, chapter 25. We’ve condensed the story a bit.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
II: David left Saul’s house and went down to the wilderness of Paran. There was a rancher named Nabal who was very rich. He had three thousand sheep and a thousand goats. His wife’s name was Abigail and she was clever and beautiful. David heard that Nabal was shearing his sheep. So David sent ten young men to go visit Nabal.
I: Go to Nabal, and greet him in my name. Say to him: 'Peace be to you, and peace be to your house, and peace be to all that you have. Your shepherds have been with us, and we did them no harm, and they missed nothing. Ask them and they will tell you. Please give whatever you have at hand to your servants and to your son David.'"
II: When David's young men came, they said all this to Nabal in the name of David; and then they waited. But Nabal answered David's servants.
I: "Who is David? Who is this son of Jesse? There are many servants today who are breaking away from their masters. Shall I take my bread and my water and the meat that I’ve butchered for my shearers, and give it to men who come from I do not know where?"
II: So David's young men turned away, and came back and told him all this. David was furious!
I: "Every man strap on his sword!"
II: David also strapped on his sword; and about four hundred men went up after David, while two hundred remained with the baggage.
I: Meanwhile, back at the ranch, one of their servants spoke to Abigail, Nabal's wife.
II: "David sent messengers out of the wilderness to salute our master Nabal who then shouted insults at them. Yet the men were very good to us, and we suffered no harm, and we never missed anything when we were in the fields, as long as we were with them; they were a wall to us both by night and by day, all the while we were with them keeping the sheep.”
I: Then Abigail hurried and took two hundred loaves, two skins of wine, five sheep ready dressed, five measures of parched grain, one hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs. She loaded them on donkeys and told her servants to go ahead of her. But she did not tell her husband Nabal.
II: Meanwhile, David had been planning what he was going to do to Nabal.
I: "Surely it was in vain that I protected all that this fellow has in the wilderness, so that nothing was missed of all that belonged to him; but he has returned me evil for good. God do so to David and more also, if by morning I leave so much as one of his servants alive."
II: When Abigail saw David, she hurried and got down from her donkey.
I: She fell before David on her face, bowing to the ground.
II: "Upon me alone, my lord, be the guilt. My lord, do not take seriously this ill-natured fellow, Nabal. His name means, fool and that’s what he is. I didn’t see the men you sent, so I didn’t know that he had done such a foolish thing. But I have brought you gifts that I hope you will accept from me. And I am sure that God will bless you if you accept these gifts and you don’t shed any innocent blood because of the foolishness of my husband.
I: "Blessed be the God of Israel, who sent you to meet me today! Blessed be your good sense, and blessed be you, who have kept me today from bloodguilt and from avenging myself by my own hand!
II: Then David received Abigail and accepted her gifts.
I: "Go up to your house in peace. I have heeded your voice, and I have granted your petition."
II: So Abigail went back to her house. Her husband Nabal was holding a feast in his house. His heart was merry within him, for he was very drunk. So Abigail told him nothing at all until the morning light when he was sober. When Abigail told him what she had done, his heart died within him. When David heard that Nabal was dead, he laughed out loud.
I: "Blessed be God who has judged the case of Nabal's insult to me, and has kept me from evil. God has returned the evildoing of Nabal upon his own head."
II: Then David sent his servants with a message to Abigail.
I: "David has sent us to you to take you to him as his wife."
II: I am your servant. I will be like a slave to wash your feet because you are the servants of David, my lord."
I: Abigail got up hurriedly and rode away on a donkey. She went after the messengers of David and became his wife.
II: David also married Jezreel; so she and Abigail both became his wives. And David was already married to Michal, who was King Saul’s daughter.

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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Preaching Materials for June 28th, 2009

R U M O R S # 557
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-06-21

June 21st, 2009

RADICAL RESPECT
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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The Story – it’s who got healed
Rumors – Marie trusts me
Soft Edges – Canadian icons
Bloopers – the logical seminary
We Get Letters – an inordinate fondness for beetles
Mirabile Dictu! – a whirl of dervishes
Bottom of the Barrel – Christian fleas
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Mark 5:21-43
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – The church board was considering the agenda.
“Item number one,” said the board chair, “someone figures we should buy a chandelier for this here room. I can’t see the sense of it myself. In the first place, it’d be way too expensive, and even if we got one, we don’t have nobody that knows how to play the thing.”
“Besides,” piped up another member. “What we really need in this room is some decent lighting.”

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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, June 28th, Proper 8 [13].
* 2 Samuel 1:1, 17-27 or Wisdom of Solomon 1:13-15, 2:23-24
* Psalm 130 or Psalm 30 (optional Psalm reading: Lamentations 3:23-33)
* 2 Corinthians 8:7-15
* Mark 5:21-43
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Mark 5:21-43
I would have preferred to use the passage from 2nd Samuel, because it is David’s lamentation over Saul and Jonathan. But the gospel reading is too important to neglect and it occurs nowhere else in the cycle.

Jim says –
Ralph’s right – this is too good a story to skip, despite the allure of David’s famous line, “How the mighty are fallen...”
I would look beyond the specifics, the exegesis of the patriarchal culture of Jesus’ time that considered women and children less worthy than men. I would tell the story as part of a consistent pattern of honoring those who are too often belittled by society.
And I would use a modern example. As reported by Associated Press, ten-year-old Kennedy Corpus attended Barack Obama's town hall meeting in Green Bay, Wisconsin, with her father. During a question and answer session, John Corpus mentioned that his daughter was missing school to attend the event.
"Do you need me to write a note?" Obama asked. The crowd laughed, but the president was serious.
On a piece of paper, he wrote: "To Kennedy's teacher: Please excuse Kennedy's absence. She's with me. Barack Obama." Then he stepped off the stage to hand-deliver the note.
I’m not attempting to glorify Obama; I’m trying to say that Jesus’ kind of breaking-the-rules respect for those who often fly below society’s radar still exists, and always has.
It’s up to us to recognize it and to celebrate it whenever it occurs.

Ralph says:
A story within a story, and both of them powerful. What strikes me most about this story is not the healings, but who was healed.
In the hierarchy of first century Jewish life, a child was much less important than an adult, and a girl child even less so. The story has Jesus going out of his way to heal this girl, which tells us again that he was constantly working against the social system which classified some people as more important than others.
That idea is underlined in the story within the story. The woman broke all the rules by being out in public when she was hemorrhaging. She was considered ritually unclean and therefore should have kept to herself to avoid contaminating others. But she forces her way through the crowd, making every one she brushes against unclean. And she touches Jesus.
Instead of yelling at her for making him ritually unclean, he says it was her faith that made her well. Not his action but her faith. Nor does Jesus go through the necessary ablutions to ritually cleanse himself, but proceeds right on to the house of an official of the synagogue who would have been very conscious of such rules.
Jesus kept coloring outside the lines.

2 Samuel 1:1, 17-27 – I find verse 26 of this passage deeply moving. My gay friends tell me it shows that Jonathan and David were in a homosexual relationship. I don’t have a problem with that.
But the passage also leads me to reflect on deep friendships – people of the same sex or male and female. Deep and profound friendship is a powerful and beautiful gift that is undervalued. It is a friendship that takes work and it takes years. It grows into a gift that may be deeper and stronger and more satisfying than any erotic or romantic relationship.
I have been blessed with two such friendships. Bev, my wife of more than 50 years, and Jim, my colleague of about 30 years. Such friendships take work, commitment and time.

Psalm 130:1-8 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
A woman described her clinical depression as a deep black pit with shiny walls, too smooth for her to climb.
1 From the bottom of a deep black pit, God, I shout at you.
2 The walls rise above my head, shutting out the light.
Can you hear me, God?
I can't get out by my own efforts.
3 I've tried and tried. I climb part way out,
and then I slide back again to the bottom.
Without your help, I'm sunk forever.
4 Don't judge me – forgive me!
Free me from my secret faults.
Give me another chance!
5 I shall go down in the depths of the pit and wait for your decision.
6 Like parents staying up until a teenager comes home,
like a puppy poised for its master's footstep,
I wait for your response.
I know I will not be disappointed.
7 Put your hope in the Lord.
You will not be disappointed either.
8 God can free us from our failures,
and save us from our successes.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

2 Corinthians 8:7-15 – This passage is good stewardship material. Paul is writing to the folks in Corinth who have been holding back on helping the hurting folks in Jerusalem. Paul offers healing to the Corinthian congregation through a change of focus and an opening of their hearts to others.

I keep getting more and more reports of people using the “Lectionary Story Bible,” the “Readers’ Theatre” and their sermon, as a one-two-three punch to help adults enjoy and understand the scripture.
Of course, the Story Bible version of the scripture is read while the children are still in church. The adults think it’s for the kids, but they listen anyway, so when the Readers’ Theatre comes along later in the service and offers that same passage from a translation, and that same scripture is then unpacked in the sermon, folks actually remember and learn.
Not all of them, of course. Some would need rockets and sirens. But there’s enough feedback to know that it’s working.
For this coming Sunday, you’ll find a story called “A Sad Song about a Good Friend,” based on David’s lamentation, on page 149 and “Jesus Heals a Sick Girl,” based on the gospel, on page 149.
If you don’t already own this three-volume set – “the largest collection of children’s Bible stories ever published” – click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod

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Rumors – I have a friend named Marie. She is six months old, and that’s her name. Some people give their babies traditional names. Marie has a brother named Henry.
A few days ago, after Marie had been fed, I held her on my knee for awhile. Naturally, she burped a bit of dinner on to my shirt. Her mother apologized – rather too much, I thought – but Marie smiled and bubbled and stiffened her legs to stand on my lap.
Marie trusts me. She shouldn’t of course, because I am not a very reliable person. I’ve let lots of people down and will probably let her down someday. Marie is only six months old and has no alternative.
I am a little older than Marie and I have alternatives. I don’t trust everybody the way she does. I trust Marie, but then what can she do to me besides spit up on my shirt.
Former US President Lyndon Johnson is quoted as saying he never trusted anyone unless he had that person’s career in his pocket. Johnson did not understand trust. Trust is not mutual fear.
My friend Jim Taylor once talked about a person who “I disagree with on many things, but I trust implicitly.” I trust Jim, come to think of it, even though I know he may well forget the lunch date we have on Wednesday. I don’t trust him to make all the right decisions or to remember everything or to never let me down on anything.
But I trust him to be a good person, and that he would not take advantage of my vulnerabilities. I am not afraid of Jim.
Maybe that’s the same kind of trust I receive from little Marie. Does she know that I will not take advantage of her vulnerabilities? Do I know that?
The woman with the hemorrhage in today’s Gospel and even Jairus were very vulnerable – the woman through her shame and pain. Jairus through his grief and fear. Like Marie, they had no alternative but to trust.
Perhaps we never know whom we trust – whom we can trust – till we are laid out in a hospital bed, or broke, or in jail, or in a nursing home. Or an infant like Marie.
Perhaps God can’t trust us with the gift of love until then either. Until we are vulnerable. Until we know that the ones we trust can hurt us, but we trust them anyway.
Isn’t it interesting how Jesus’ metaphor of becoming “like a child” keeps coming back to us?

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Canadian Icons
Author John Robert Colombo once quipped that the two most Canadian institutions were the National Hockey League and the United Church of Canada.
Since then, both the NHL and the UCC have lapsed into irrelevance. The NHL has moved south. Besides, ice hockey playoffs in mid-June? Get real!
And The Observer, the United Church’s national magazine, has plummeted from some 350,000 subscribers – which made it, at one time, Canada’s fourth largest magazine after the Reader’s Digest, Maclean’s, and Time – to around 60,000.
I would guess that today’s Canadian icons are Tilley clothes and Tim Hortons coffee.
Canadians who travel abroad recognize each other by their Tilley hats. Or by Alex Tilley’s shorts or slacks – clothes that wear forever and have secret pockets tucked deep inside where you can carry your passport and traveller’s cheques in absolute security until you have to dig them out in front of a suspicious immigration official...
I wore Tilley hats for years. A couple actually wore out; Tilley replaced them free. Several others got stolen. Whenever I see a Tilley hat go by, I wonder if it’s one of mine.
I have a long history with Tim Hortons too, starting so far back that the Tim Horton’s logo still had an apostrophe. Our son played kids’ hockey. He idolized Tim Horton, the defenceman. We patronized Tim’s first coffee-and-donut shops out of loyalty.
Today, Tim Hortons is Canada’s largest restaurant chain. A recent study found Canadians preferred Tim Hortons to Starbucks, two to one. Tim Hortons put “double-double” into the Canadian vocabulary.
Joan and I travel back and forth to Edmonton to visit grandchildren. We know every Tim Hortons on either of the two possible routes.
When we come back into Canada, after international trips, we know we’re home when we see that familiar Tim Hortons logo in the airport. Donut and drink later, we’re ready to brave the baggage carousels and customs officers.
There’s even a Tim Hortons at the Canadian forces base in Kandahar, Afghanistan.
Having a Canadian flag on one’s backpack used to guarantee a friendly reception anywhere in the world. I’m told that’s not true anymore. Between the seal hunt and armed intervention in Afghanistan, Canadians are no longer welcomed with the same warmth.
The United Church has similarly fallen from favour. We used to have missionaries around the world: India, China, Zambia, Kenya, Lesotho, the Polynesian islands... Wherever they were stationed, because of their example, Canadians were regarded with respect.
Now the church just sends money to overseas partners. Sending money makes good sense. It enables local churches to undertake projects that they couldn’t otherwise afford, at far less cost than sending Canadian personnel.
But money is faceless, anonymous. Only the accountants know where it came from.
Canada still sends diplomatic staff. But they’re virtually unknown outside their own circle of acquaintances.
If Canadians want to be liked, respected, even valued abroad, maybe we should invite Tim Hortons and Alex Tilley to represent us.

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Evelyn McLachlan laughed at this bumper sticker.
“Where am I going? And why am I in this handbasket?”

April Daily (who says she is an “ecstatic Penguins hockey fan”) says the lector should have read (from Corinthians), “Therefore, knowing the fear of the Lord, we try to persuade others..." Instead, the lector read: "...we try to ‘persecute’ others...."
“Gee,” says April. “I hope not!”

Evelyn McLachlin's story about the church sign "losing" a word reminded April of the time at "The Lutheran Theological Seminary" of Gettysburg, PA, in preparation for the ‘Luther Bowl’ (a football game between LTS Philadelphia & LTS Gettysburg) we removed the ‘O’ from theological, leaving the sign to read: ‘Lutheran The Logical Seminary.’ Made perfect sense to me – only logical, of course.”

Sharyl Peterson of Grand Junction, Colorado chuckled at this in the bulletin: "The minister and liturgist will come down the aisle and pass the peach of Christ to you..."

Tim Hayward of Trenton, Ontario tells this one on himself. Reporting on the activities of children at a meeting of the church Conference, Tim said, “these were children brought to conference by their ‘delicate’ (delegate) parents.”

Nicole Burassa-Burke of Scarboro, Ontario, saw this on a church message board.
“Our Sundays are better than Baskin Robbin's"

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – Blogging is the first draft of history.
Nobel Prize committee, explaining why blogs are now eligible in the writing and newspaper categories. Via Stephani Keer

Nobody roots for Goliath. Wilt Chamberlain via Evelyn McLachlan

It is better to deserve honors and not have them, that have them and not deserve them.
Mark Twain

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We Get Letters – Fred Brailey of Orangeville, Ontario writes: There's an apocryphal tale of some theologians asking the late geneticist (and polymath) J.B.S. Haldane what could be inferred about the mind of God from the works of creation. The response : "God has an inordinate fondness for beetles."
“There are over 350 thousand species of beetles. Beetles represent just 40% of all insect species. But then, there are myriads of other microscopic forms of life, including viruses and bacteria, serving who knows how many purposes in the ecology of evolution. Similar things inside our bodies ensure our biological survival.”

Marilyn Stone of Springfield, South Dakota writes: “I love your story of David, especially ‘Guess what Davey told his Dad to do with the sheep?’
“The whole thing makes more sense to our society when told as a sports story. But now I'm trying to figure out HOW I tell or read it to my SMALL congregation. Well, heck, I may just take a chance and read it to them anyway! I'm 63 years old. They're not going to fire me!”

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “a whirl of dervishes!”) This can make a fun game – give people a list of occupations or kinds of people and ask them to dream up collective nouns. If you add any really good ones to this list, send them to me.
Some examples:
* a mass of priests * a modesty of nuns* a pomposity of prelates * a serenity of monks* a solemnity of bishops* a limit of patients* a herd of roomers* a multitude of sinners* a sowing of doubters* a cloud of pessimists* a horde of misers* a slough of despondents* an abrasion of critics* a semblance of orderlies* a stink of complainers* an unction of do-gooders* a fallacy of Freudians* a whirl of dervishes* a gathering of Zionists* a harmony of transcendentalists* a tide of humanitarians* a vigilance of fundamentalists And when the chaplain has done her best, and God calls us home:* a body of undertakers * a solicitude of morticians

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Bottom of the Barrel – Why Church School teachers go grey. Or, “Who’s on First?”
It was one of those days. The Sunday school teacher just knew the lesson would not go well.
It started when young Todd asked a question. “Teacher, is there a Christian flea?”
“Where did you get an idea like that?” the teacher demanded.
“Well, the preacher read it from the Bible. She said, ‘the wicked flea from God.’”
“Well, Todd, that means that the wicked men flee.”
“Then is there a wicked woman flea?”
“No, no. It means that the wicked flee – they run away.”
“Why do they run? “Who?”
“The wicked fleas.”
The teacher had almost lost it by this time. “No, no. Don’t you see? The wicked man runs away when no one is after him.”
“Is there a woman after him?”
“No, there is no woman after him?”
Todd was more confused than ever. “Well, what about the fleas? Are there wicked fleas and Christian fleas?”

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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Mark 5:21-43
Reader I: This is kind of a weird story we’re reading today, isn’t it?
Reader II: It’s really two stories. Jesus heads out to help a high official of the synagogue, and on the way, he encounters a woman with a hemorrhage.
I: Am I the only one who gets a bit twitchy about these healing stories. I can’t help wondering if these things could really happen. I mean, if Jesus could heal a few people here and there, why couldn’t he heal everybody.
II: That’s a really good question, and I don’t know the answer. But that’s not the point of the story.
I: So then what is the point?
II: It’s who Jesus healed. Women weren’t much valued in first century Israel. In fact women were only slightly more valuable then cattle. Children were only important if they were male, and so a young girl is down fairly low on the social ladder. So in our story today, we have Jesus healing a girl-child and a woman.
I: Wasn’t there something weird about that woman he healed? Didn’t she push her way through the crowd to touch Jesus?
II: Weird is an understatement. This was a woman whose menstrual flow was continuous. She took a huge risk. She could have been killed for shoving her way through a crowd. A menstruating woman was considered ritually unclean and that was hugely important in first century Israel. She broke all the rules. And so did Jesus by healing her.
I: OK, so enough blabbering. Let’s get on with the story.
II: A reading from the 5th chapter of the Gospel of Mark.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: When Jesus had crossed again in the boat to the other side of the lake, a great crowd gathered around him. Then one of the leaders of the synagogue named Jairus came and when he saw Jesus, fell at his feet and begged him repeatedly.
II: "My little daughter is at the point of death. Come and lay your hands on her, so that she may be made well, and live."
I: So Jesus went with him. And a large crowd followed him and pressed in on him. Now there was a woman who had been suffering from hemorrhages for twelve years. She had endured much under many physicians, and had spent all that she had; and she was no better, but rather grew worse. She had heard about Jesus, and came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak,
II: "If I but touch his clothes, I will be made well."
I: Immediately her hemorrhage stopped; and she felt in her body that she was healed of her disease. And Jesus was aware that power had gone forth from him.
I: "Who touched my clothes?"
II: His disciples had no idea.
I: "You see the crowd pressing in on you; how can you say, 'Who touched me?'"
II: Jesus looked all around to see who had done it.
I: But the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came in fear and trembling, fell down before him, and told him the whole truth.
II: "Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease."
I: While he was still speaking, some people came from the leader's house.
II: "Your daughter is dead. Why trouble the teacher any further?"
I: But Jesus overheard what they said. He turned to the leader of the synagogue.
II:"Do not fear, only believe."
I: Jesus allowed no one to follow him except Peter, James, and John, the brother of James. When they came to the house of the leader of the synagogue, Jesus saw a commotion, people weeping and wailing loudly.
II: "Why do you make a commotion and weep? The child is not dead but sleeping."
I: They laughed at Jesus. Then he put them all outside, and took the child's father and mother and those who were with him, and went in where the child was. He took her by the hand.
II: "Little girl, get up!"
I: Immediately the girl got up and began to walk about. She was twelve years of age. At this the people who had gathered were overcome with amazement. Jesus strictly ordered them that no one should know about this. And he told them to give the child something to eat.

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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Preaching Materials for June 21st, 2009

R U M O R S # 556
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-06-14

June 14th, 2009

HOW TO BE A REAL MAN
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.

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The Story – four kinds of men
Rumors – little Davey beats big 99
Soft Edges – prayer wheels and computers
Good Stuff – God texts the Ten Commandments
Bloopers – peach be still
We Get Letters – therapeutic humor
Mirabile Dictu! – tilt your head to smile
Bottom of the Barrel – five Jewish men
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – 1 Samuel 17:(1a, 4-11, 19-23), 32-49, 57, 18:5, 18:10-16
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – This from Evelyn McLachlan.
After the birth of their child, a clergy person, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.
Later, the wife's roommate commented, "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."

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Next Week’s Readings – Below are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, June 21st, which is also Fathers’ Day.
Jens Hanson of Windsor, Ontario writes: “We must count differently. Isn't June 14 the second Sunday after Pentecost?”
Jens, that count isn’t given in the official RCL publication, and I keep getting it mixed up. So to avoid confusion, I’m not going to do that “Sunday after” thing during the current season. Instead, I’ll give the Proper numbers – which I also don’t understand but they’re printed nice and clearly in the book. It’s Proper 7 [12] and the Revised Common Lectionary gives us a bunch of options. For the first two readings, you have a choice among three.

1) 1 Samuel 17:(1a, 4-11, 19-23), 32-49 and Psalm 9:9-20 2) 1 Samuel 17:57-18:5, 18:10-16 and Psalm 1333) Job 38:1-11 and Psalm 107:1-3, 23-32

plus the Christian scripture readings:2 Corinthians 6:1-13Mark 4:35-41

The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Guess what? Our choice for the story is none of the above. Or at least not in those combinations. We’re going for both the 1st Samuel readings so that a good hunk of the David saga gets told.
That gets to be a pretty long reading, so in the Reader’s Theatre thing below, I’ve done some pruning.

Ralph says –
This is a great reading for Father’s Day. It’s a great time to use the David saga to speak to issues of masculinity and fathering. It’s a story of four very different men, David, Goliath, Saul and Jonathan.
For starters, there’s a huge difference in the way we use the words “fathering” and “mothering.” For instance, when we say, “he fathered a child,” we mean he inseminated a female. When we say, “she mothered a child,” we mean she offered tenderness and caring.
There was an active “men’s lib” movement in response to the feminist movement. But it seems to have died off. We made a lot of progress in a lot of ways, but we’re still a long way from where we need to be.
Way back in 1993 I wrote a book titled, “Man to Man,” which was subtitled, “Recovering the best of the male tradition.” It used the life of David as a template for discussing issues of masculinity. (Most of those books were sold to women who gave them to the men in their lives. Not many of those guys read it.)
There are at least two significant issues raised in this part of the David saga – the masculine mythology of power and male to male relationships.
The description of the two armies lined up for battle sounds a lot like the Super Bowl or some other huge sport event. In fact, much of 1st and 2nd Samuel sounds like the sports page – who beat whom and by how much.
Most of the story of the deep friendship between David and Jonathan did not make it into the lectionary. So many men have never learned how to have a deep and caring friendship with another man, which is why this story is so important. Some claim this was a homosexual relationship. That point can be argued either way. Whatever your conclusion, it is at least the story of a deep friendship between two men – something that many men are not able to manage.
In fact, men generally find it hard to have a friendship with a person of either sex without the relationship having a sexual component. That may be why so many men are so very lonely.

Jim says –
One minute the boy David is getting the king’s blessing; the next he has to duck the king’s spear. One minute he’s a kid mouthing off; the next he’s in charge of a thousand soldiers. One minute he’s being ridiculed; the next he’s loved by all of Israel and Judah.
I know why this story is in the Bible – it’s supposed to show that if God is with you, nothing’s impossible. But I catch myself wondering about Saul. Because, says 18:12, slightly paraphrased, “the Lord used to be with Saul, but had departed from him.”
And I suspect that more of us have had Saul’s experience than David’s. We have not gone out slaying giants or commanding armies; rather, we have a sense at times that the Lord has left us. And we wonder why. What did we do to cause God’s face to be turned away from us?
There are no easy answers for why we sense the absence of God in times of pain and sorrow – or, for that matter, in times of success and prosperity. We just have that sense of being left alone in the night, to cry into our pillows. Which is better, I suppose, than throwing spears and tantrums.
And we wait, yearning for a resurrection...

Psalm 9:9-20 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
What would we do without God?
When things go wrong,
when the milk of human kindness sours,
when fingernails screech on each day's blackboard,
we can still trust in God.
God does not abandon us.
The Lord lives; praise God!
God's presence surrounds the earth;
God's actions affect everyone!
From this universal vantage point,
the Lord keeps an eye on everyone.
God settles disputes;
God watches out for those who suffer.
And I, Lord, I am one of those who suffer;
Be kind to me too.
Can't you see what those who hate me are doing to me?
I feel like dying.
Save me, so that I can sing your praises,
so that I can stand tall again,
and tell everyone how you saved me.
Let those who think they can save themselves sink into their own pit;
Let them get tangled up in their own snares.
It is part of the Lord's plan;
Their downfall is inevitable.
The wicked will destroy themselves by their own deceit.
They forget about God – let them go to hell!
But those who are really in need will not be forgotten;
The poor will not die without hope.
Show yourself, Lord!
Don't let the self-confident ones seem to be right.
Judge those who parade pompously before you;
Put the fear of God into them;
Let them see that they are mere mortals,
and only you are God.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

2 Corinthians 6:1-13 – I have mixed feelings about the tone of this passage. My self-effacing Protestant tradition says it sounds like boasting. But last Sunday, preaching a stewardship sermon in Kamloops, I found myself telling the folks what Bev and I did. It wasn’t comfortable, but I think it was necessary. People need to know that we practice what we preach. And that’s what Paul is doing here.
Mark 4:35-41 – A symbol often used in the church is that of a ship under the cross on a storm-tossed sea. Not a bad symbol, but the reality is that we often find ourselves traumatized by the storms around us. Fear blinds us to alternatives that are available to us. When the waves are sloshing all over the decks and everyone is sea-sick, it’s hard to trust God’s assurances.
The theme of trust is also there in the David story. When you face a well-armed giant of a man, it’s hard to trust a kid with a slingshot.

Of course the David and Goliath story from 1 Samuel is in the “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B.” Page 143, but with much less focus on the gore than is normal in the retelling of this legend.
You’ll also find the story of David and Jonathan (p. 145) even though most of it is not in the lectionary, because it is one of the few stories about a close friendship between two men.
The gospel story, “Jesus Stops the Storm,” is on page 147.
If you don’t own the three volume set of the “Lectionary Story Bible,” click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod

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Rumors – Little Davey Beats Big 99
a story based on the biblical legend of David and Goliath

Davey could see his dad coming toward him, over the hill.
"What does the old geezer want this time?" David wondered. Two weeks ago he'd asked David to look after the sheep. "Asked," was the wrong word. "Told," was more like it.
David hated sheep. Dumbest animals in the world. Good for only two things – to get clipped and to get eaten. "Just like those older brothers of mine," Davey thought. "They're fat and stupid, but they get to have all the fun."
David kept looking for the day he could get out of Bethlehem and play in the big leagues. "All I need is just one good chance. One big break."
In the meantime, Davey lived with his fantasies and did pushups and sit ups and worked on his hand-eye coordination. He'd pump up his Reeboks and zip a rock through the hole of a bagel at 50 paces. Davey was good, and he knew it.
And he didn't mind telling his older brothers. His brothers? Well, it's better I don't tell you what his brothers said about Davey.
"Davey," said his Dad.
"What now," Davey groaned.
"None of your lip, punk." Davey and his dad had a good, normal, father-son relationship.
"Get your lazy backside in gear and take this lunch over to your brothers. Then come right back, y'hear, and tell me what the score is."
"Allright!" yelled David. He'd been itching to get into that war against the Philistines. The Israelites were down 3-0 in the best of seven, but Davey was absolutely sure they'd win if they'd let him play. So what if he was underage. Maybe this was his chance.
It was a fair hike to the valley where they were having the war. But when he got there, nothing was happening. No fighting, nothing. All the guys were sitting around looking like they'd just swallowed rotten eggs.
"Hey, what's happening?" David asked. "What's the score?"
"Score? It's Philistines zip, Israelites zip. It's all tied up. We've had two sudden death overtime periods, now we're into the one-on-one shootout. If we blow that, we blow the series."
"So what's the problem?"
"Problem? Take a look at that Philistine over there. The big guy wearing number 99. His name's Goliath. Would you go one-on-one with him?
"Jeez," said David. "What a jock! Look at them triceps. But hey, I could ring his bell!"
"Smart ass! You're half his size. Go back to the bush leagues and grow up."
David was a cocky little character. Off he went to talk to the coach Saul. "Coach, look, I know I'm small, and I'm from the bush league, but I've got some moves that big old 99 out there doesn't know. He's big, but all those steroids make him slow. I'm smaller, but I'm smart and I'm fast."
Well, coach Saul didn't have a lot of options. All the guys on the front of his bench were freaked out by this Goliath. "Here," said Saul. "Put on my pads and my helmet."
David tried them on, but took them off again. "Too big and too heavy, coach," said David. "I gotta be free to be me."
So David went out one-on-one against big Goliath. Goliath almost split a gut laughing when he saw the kid coming up against him. Little Davey deaked Goliath right out of his socks, put a move on him he'd never seen before, and WHACK! Game over.
Israelites 1. Philistines 0. Final score.
Davey became an instant superstar. Everybody's hero. The media fought for interviews. Saul offered him a fat contract. Advertisers lined up offering endorsements. Women lined up for his autograph, among other things.
David's Dad sent a message. "Hey, come home Davey. You've got sheep to look after here."
Guess what Davey told his Dad to do with the sheep?

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Prayer Wheels and Computers
If you travel to Nepal, or Bhutan, Tibet, or other Buddhist regions of the Himalayas, you’re sure to see prayer wheels.
Prayer wheels are colorful cylinders, each containing a written prayer. Every time the cylinder spins, the prayer is supposedly sent out.
Everyone passing a prayer wheel is expected to give it a spin.
A few enterprising persons dispense with the passers-by – they set up prayer wheels kept spinning constantly by the wind, or by a tumbling stream.
From our scientific western mindset, the whole idea of prayer wheels seems primitive, even superstitious. But the prayer wheel concept has reached our world too.
A company called Information Age Prayer offers to have their computer say a daily prayer for you. For just $3.95 a month.
That’s only for the Lord’s Prayer, of course. If you add prayers for peace, morning prayers, prayers for financial help, or up to five Get Well prayers, it will cost you more.
But as a Protestant, you can get the entire bundle for just $19.95 a month.
That’s a bargain. The Jewish package – a Shema twice a day, five Get Well Prayers and a Prayer for Peace – goes for $25.95 a month. A cholim for the sick, or a kaddish for mourning, costs extra.
And the Catholic package, with the complete Rosary cycle of Hail Mary’s and creeds, costs $49.95 a month. “Show God you are serious!” trumpets the advertising blurb for the “Full Rosary Package.”
“The computer doesn't need any beads to keep track of Hail Mary's while saying this prayer,” the blurb gushes; “it will be voiced precisely the correct way each time for you without taking any breaks.”
To be fair to the company involved, it does not advocate abandoning your own prayers. “Our service should be used ... to extend and strengthen a subscriber's connection with God. Traditional prayer is an integral part of this connection and should never be foregone,” they caution.
But they also say that their service will “give you the satisfaction of knowing that your prayers will always be said even if you wake up late, or forget.”
This is the part that gets me: “We use state-of-the-art text-to-speech synthesizers to voice each prayer at a volume and speed equivalent to typical person praying. Each prayer is voiced individually, with the name of the subscriber displayed on screen.”
Why limit prayers to the speed of human speech? Computers can process digital messages at light speed – is God less capable than a computer?
If I programmed a computer to send prayers constantly, 24 hours a day, shouldn’t that earn me some serious Air-Miles points with God?
Sorry – I’m being sarcastic. On this issue, I’m with Colin Johnstone. When he was a chaplain with the Canadian Cancer Society, he told people, “You can’t help a person get well by doing their physical exercises for them, and you can’t help someone heal their spirit by trying to do their spiritual exercises for them.”
Not by using a prayer wheel, or a computer.

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Good Stuff – This from Fran Ota who got it from David Shearman who no doubt found it somewhere on the net. My spell checker suffered a hackers hernia trying to deal with this.
God Texts* the Ten Commandments
By Jamie Quatro
1. no1 b4 me. srsly.
2. dnt wrshp pix/idols
3. no omg's
4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)
5. pos ok - ur m&d r cool
6. dnt kill ppl
7. :-X only w/ m8
8. dnt steal
9. dnt lie re: bf
10. dnt ogle ur bf's m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob.
M, pls rite on tabs & giv 2 ppl.
ttyl, JHWH.
ps. wwjd?

* Special note to my daughter Kari, Jim, and others who care about such things: “Text” has become a verb.

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Jody Felton of Kuna, Idaho “spotted a license plate that said ‘JC SR.’ “I wonder,” she writes. Wouldn't that be God? And I didn’t even know that God drove a large white pickup!”

Mark Brantley-Gearhart of Snyder, Texas found his secretary laughing at her own typo. “She had typed in the text of Mark 4:35-41. "He woke up and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, 'Peach! Be still!'"
Finally now I understand, Mark. Not that long ago, our bulletin listed “The passing of the peach.”

First of all, non-Canadians need to know that our $1.00 coin has a picture of a loon on it and is affectionately known as a “loonie.” By extension, the $2.00 coin is a “twoonie.” Suzanne Poirier of Ottawa, Ontario says her church has “its fair share of eccentrics,” which may be why the cost of an event was listed as "one loonie person." It should have been "one loonie per person."

Judith Johnson-Siebold of Schenectady, New York saw a newsletter note that said,
"Recently Pastor Neil was blessed with an electric chair...". Judith adds, “I'm not sure that's a blessing. I hope he doesn't plan to use it!”

Noel Koestline of Southold, (Long Island) New York says the Long Island Council of Churches, organizes a free Thanksgiving Dinner each November in a local High School cafeteria. Their newsletter reported, “We served a record 75 sinners at the High School."
Noel, that may be a bit more candid than usual, but perfectly correct.

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – Live as if you were living a second time, and as though you had acted wrongly the first time.
Viktor Frankl via Evelyn McLachlan

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that God didn't trust me so much." Mother Teresa via Dave Towers

Most of the greatest evils that [humans have inflicted on each other] have come through people feeling quite certain about something which, in fact, was false.
Bertrand Russell via Jim Taylor

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We Get Letters – Fred Brailey of Orangeville, Ontario sends a note that’s relevant to the Father’s Day discussion above.
“Perhaps we should learn the benefits of ‘therapeutic humor.’
“In his autobiography ‘Human Options,’, Norman Cousins, author of ‘Anatomy of an Illness’ thinks so. ‘Illness is not a laughing matter. Perhaps it ought to be.
Laughter is a form of internal jogging. It moves your internal organs around. It enhances respiration. It is an igniter of great expectations.’ [this part he doesn't explain!]
Cousins allowed himself a laugh at male weakness, saying ‘Most men think they are immortal – until they [catch] a cold, when they think they are going to die within the hour.’ Indeed, many of us might seem at times like puling infants, while our harried caregivers search for instant remedies.”

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Tilt your head to smile!”)
This from Margaret Wood.
You know you are living in 2009 when –
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8 Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

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Bottom of the Barrel – This from Evelyn McLachlan
Five Jewish men influenced the history of Western civilization.
* Moses said the law is everything.
* Jesus said love is everything.
* Marx said capital is everything.
* Freud said sex is everything.
* Einstein said everything is relative.

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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – 1 Samuel 17:(1a, 4-11, 19-23), 32-49, 57, 18:5, 18:10-16
(Important note: It is important for the readers to rehearse this material. This is theatre and needs to be presented with vitality and power. Pay particular heed to the pauses between speakers. Except occasionally for dramatic effect, there should never be any pause between speakers. They should almost overlap.
If microphones are needed, each speaker should have one. Handing a mike back and forth slows things down dreadfully.)

Reader I: This is great. I’ve been waiting for this story. The little twerp beats the big baboon. I love it.
Reader II: It seems everybody likes that kind of story. The legend of the underdog beating the champion is there in one form or another in the legends of every culture in the world.
I: This is the kind of story the guys would tell each other over a few beers in the pub.
II: That’s right. And the story would get just a little bit better each time it was told.
I: You mean, Goliath would get bigger and David would get smaller.
II: I don’t know about David, but at a time when the average adult male stood very little over five feet tall, it’s hard to imagine someone who is nine and a half feet tall as it says in this story. So it could be that Goliath grew an inch or two with each telling.
I: What I can’t figure out is, why is this story in the Bible? The Bible is supposed to be about, you know, religious things. Spiritual things. Chopping off the big guys head doesn’t sound very spiritual to me.
II: Originally, the Hebrews told this story to show that their God was more powerful than the Philistine god. That’s how it got into the Bible. We can still learn from this story because it is a good study of masculinity – of the use and abuse of power. David was both the best and the worst of men. We can learn a lot by reflecting on his life.
I: So let’s read it.
II: The story of David, condensed somewhat, from the 17th and 18th chapter of the book of First Samuel.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
Reader I: Now the Philistines gathered their armies for battle; and there came out from their camp a champion named Goliath of Gath, whose height was nine and a half feet.
Reader II: He had a helmet of bronze on his head, and he was armed with a coat of mail; that weighed 200 pounds. Goliath had bronze leggings and an iron spear that weighed 25 pounds. And Goliath shouted to the army of Israel:
I: "Why have you come out to draw up for battle? Am I not a Philistine, and are you not servants of Saul? Choose a man for yourselves, and let him come down to me. If he is able to fight with me and kill me, then we will be your servants; but if I prevail against him and kill him, then you shall be our servants and serve us. I defy the ranks of Israel! Give me a man, that we may fight together."
II: When Saul and all Israel heard these words of the Philistine, they were dismayed and greatly afraid.
I: Young David, on instructions from Jesse, his father, rose early in the morning. He came to the encampment as the army was going forth to the battle line, shouting the war cry. He arrived just in time to hear Goliath challenge the army of Israel. And so David spoke to King Saul.
II: "Let no one's heart fail because of him; your servant will go and fight with this Philistine."
I: "You are not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him; for you are just a boy, and he has been a warrior from his youth."
II: "Your servant used to keep sheep for his father; and whenever a lion or a bear came, and took a lamb from the flock, I went after it and struck it down, rescuing the lamb from its mouth; and if it turned against me, I would catch it by the jaw, strike it down, and kill it. Your servant has killed both lions and bears; and this uncircumcised Philistine shall be like one of them, since he has defied the armies of the living God. God, who saved me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear, will save me from the hand of this Philistine."
I: So King Saul gave David his blessing. He clothed David with his armor. He put a bronze helmet on his head and clothed him with a coat of mail. David strapped Saul's sword over the armor.
II:"I can’t walk with these! I am not used to them!"
I: So David removed them. David took his staff in his hand, and chose five smooth stones from a dry creek bed, and put them in his shepherd's bag, in the pouch; his sling was in his hand, and he drew near to the Philistine. When Goliath saw young David, he yelled his insults. "Am I a dog, that you come to me with sticks? I’ll feed your flesh to the birds of the air and to the wild animals of the field."
II: "You come to me with sword and spear and javelin; but I come to you in the name of the God of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This very day God will deliver you into my hand, and I will strike you down and cut off your head; and I will give the dead bodies of the Philistine army this very day to the birds of the air and to the wild animals of the earth, so that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel, and that all this assembly may know that God does not save by sword and spear; for the battle is God’s, and God will give you into our hand."
I: When Goliath drew nearer to meet David, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him. David put his hand in his bag, took out a stone, slung it, and struck the Philistine on his forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell face down on the ground. Then David took Goliath’s own sword, and cut off his head, which he brought to King Saul. And Saul asked him, “Whose son are you, young man?”
II: "I am the son of your servant Jesse of Bethlehem."
I: And so King Saul insisted that David come and live with him. David became close friends with Jonathan, King Saul’s son.
I: The soul of Jonathan was bound to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. Jonathan made a covenant with David. He gave David the robe he was wearing and even his sword and his bow and his belt.
II: David went out and was successful wherever Saul sent him; as a result, Saul set him over the army. And all the people, even the servants of Saul, approved.
I: But an evil spirit from God rushed upon Saul, and he raved within his house, while David was playing the lyre, as he did day by day. Saul had his spear in his hand; and Saul threw the spear, for he thought, "I will pin David to the wall." But David eluded him twice.
II: Saul was afraid of David, because God was with him. But God had departed from Saul.
I: Saul removed David from his presence, and made him a commander of a thousand; and David marched out and came in, leading the army. David had success in all his undertakings; because God was with him.
II: When Saul saw how successful David was, he became afraid.
I: But all Israel and Judah loved David; for it was he who marched out and came in leading them.

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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Preaching Materials for June 14th

R U M O R S # 555
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-06-07

June 7, 2009

HOLY INTUITION

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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.

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Rumors As Sermon Preparation
I’ve had another e-mail, this time from Albert Chausendy (he didn’t say where he lived), about the use of “Rumors” as a Bible Study resource.
“I have a group of six people who have committed themselves to working with me in the preparation of the homily. We gather at the beginning of each week and begin by someone reading the fun stuff out of Rumors. Then one of us reads the appropriate story from the Lectionary Story Bible. There may or may not be some comments about that, before two of the group do the “Reader’s Theatre” thing. Then someone reads Jim’s comment, then someone else reads Ralph’s. Then we ask the question, ‘How will the people in the congregation hear this reading,’ and ‘What do they most need to hear?’
We always have several translations available, and sometimes one of us will read the passage or a few verses from another translation. But then it is simply a free-wheeling discussion. Nobody says, ‘This is what you should say!’ I always come out of that with a strong sense of what needs to be said and how I can say it. It has made a huge difference to my preaching, and actually shortened sermon preparation time.
The six people all wear badges during coffee hour that say; “Ask me about the sermon.” Their job is not to defend the sermon, but to enter into intelligent discussion about it. And that happens a lot. A lot!
We often close by reading Jim’s Psalm paraphrase.

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The Story – choosing leadership
Rumors – mothers know
Soft Edges – seeds and sowers
Good Stuff – make a difference
Bloopers – no lions
We Get Letters – knitting needles
Mirabile Dictu! – see my new shoes
Bottom of the Barrel – no absolutes
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – 1 Samuel 15:34 - 16:13
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, a leaf that someone had pressed between the pages fell out of the Bible. “Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What is it, dear?” his mother asked.
“I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, June 14th, which is the 3rd Sunday in the season after Pentecost. The Revised Common Lectionary gives us a choice.
1 Samuel 15:34 - 16:13 and Psalm 20 or Ezekiel 17:22-24 and Psalm 92:1-4, 12-15 We’ve chosen the first set.

The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) is 1 Samuel 15:34 -16:13
Jim says—
There’s a line in Joseph Heller’s novel “God Knows” in which King David says (I’m quoting from memory here): “I’ve got the best story in the whole Bible, so how come they named the books for Samuel?”
Indeed, David’s probably is the best story in the Bible. Unfortunately, we only read fragments of it in church. Heller does an excellent – and hilarious – job of recreating David’s deathbed reminiscences; it’s well worth reading, though not for the pietistic.
So I would pick up David’s story this week, and whenever possible through the succeeding weeks.
This particular legend was probably included as a “prequel,” an explanation for how a mere boy became involved in the legend of the killing of Goliath.
To me, the most interesting element is how Samuel knew, beyond any doubt, which of Jesse’s sons God wanted. Because we all have those experiences, don’t we? We know something – often something that’s just not right, a conviction that will not yield to rational argument or majority opinion...
But how do we know that? Is it just what we were taught, once, when the world was simpler? Do we tap some deep reservoir of the collective unconscious? Is this evidence of an Absolute Wisdom, which we call God?
And if so, why aren’t others equally aware of it?
And the ultimate question – if we are convinced, are we willing to act on our convictions, even at the risk of personal sacrifice?

Ralph says –
I find it interesting that Jim celebrates the intuitive leap – that sense of knowing beyond all rationality. Because in our many conversations of the years, it’s been Jim who has been the clear-eyed rational thinker and I’ve been taking those intuitive leaps. However, Jim does the intuition thing pretty well too, though it gets a bit chaotic when we’re both on that track.
(Note: If you check under “Rumors” below, you’ll find a story based on my intuition about the intuition of David’s mother.)
Verse 15:35 raises an interesting question. It says that God was “was sorry that he had made Saul king over Israel.” God made a mistake? That probably should bother me, but it doesn’t. I’ve heard biblical scholars talk about the Bible as being the story of the “education of God.” Of course, the response to that is usually that it’s humans that were being educated. But it might be useful to play around with that first possibility.
There’s a delightful little joke in here too, where Samuel tells us that God does not judge by appearances, but then David get’s chosen because of his ruddy complexion and beautiful eyes.
Eyes, they say, are the window of the soul. And it was the soul of David, his essential quality, that made him royal material. But what does that mean? Certainly David was no moral paragon. He was the best and the worst. And for me, personally, he is my favorite biblical character.
I spent a lot of time with Big D some years ago writing the book “Man to Man,” which was an essay on men’s lib, using David’s life as my template.
As Jim says, this story is a “prequel” (ghastly word!) to the Goliath story which comes up next week.

Psalm 20 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
I wish I had known this psalm when our daughter Sharon moved to Alberta. It reflects the blessing I would like to have given her.
1 God bless you, my child.
As you set out into the world, God go with you;
every step of every day, may God watch over you.
2 When you're feeling low, may God send you a shoulder to cry upon,
And a friendly hand to help you up.
3 When you're feeling good, may your laughter echo in the heavens;
whatever you do, may it be acceptable in God's sight.
4 May God hear the deepest longings of your heart,
and let your longings blossom into reality.
5 May the word we hear of you always be good.
Then we will know that you have known God while you were growing up.
We will know that God continues to belong in your new life.
May you remember how to pray;
6 For God will not desert those who stay in touch.
For those who keep in touch, God always responds.
7 Some of your new friends will put their faith in money,
Others in power, and some in fast cars;
Put your faith only in the Lord our God.
8 Those who put their faith in false gods will stumble and fall,
But you will not be afraid of the light;
you can stand straight and tall.
9 Lord, into your hands we commit our child;
take her under your wing,
for our sakes, and for yours.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

2 Corinthians 5:6-10, (11-13), 14-17 – Some of Paul’s mysticism shows through here, as it does in all of the two letters to the church in Corinth. He tells us that life is a matter of faith in the unseen rather than in something that can be seen and touched. Everyone else may value a healthy, whole body – strength and invincibility in the face of death, but Paul tells us that our lives are valued very differently “in Christ.”
Mark 4:26-34 – There are two parables here about the coming reign of God. Because he is speaking to a rural culture, the writer of Mark uses examples from nature. Even city folks, in those days were much closer to agriculture and rural life than city dwellers now.
I find verse 34 interesting. “He did not speak to them except in parables,” but explained everything to the disciples later on. It sounds almost as if the Christian gospel belongs to some kind of secret society – which was in fact the case with some groups who we now call “Gnostics.”
The tradition of the parable goes back way beyond Jesus, and its function was to reveal, not hide, the truth. But then, as now, there’s always the tendency of the “cognizanti” to delight in the idea that “we know the secret and you don’t.”

“God Chooses a Child,” is the children’s version of the David story, and you can find that in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 139. And the gospel passage, in a story called “God’s Realm,” is on page 141. If you can find a sneaky way to make sure the adults hear these stories, they’ll understand the readings a whole lot better.
If you don’t already own this series, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod

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Rumors – Mothers Know
An aggadah on 1 Samuel 16:1-13
The anointing of David – in the voice of David’s mother

I’m a mother. I know these things.
Men get themselves so tied up with who is strongest, or most powerful, or wealthiest, but mothers see the heart. Like God.
When the old prophet Samuel comes to our place in Bethlehem, at first the men folk are scared spitless.
Jesse, my husband keeps asking. “So what does this Samuel want with us?” Over and over. “So what does he want with us?” He gets the boys all excited. They wonder if maybe God is mad at them. Is Samuel maybe coming to pronounce judgment?
But old Samuel just limps down the road, leading a young cow and talking about making a sacrifice to God. He wants to hold a big prayer meeting. Fine. I get all the women of the village together and tell them, “Start cooking. When those men stop praying, they’ll start eating.” I wonder, maybe, if praying is only an excuse to eat? Around here, our religion is in our stomach.
It doesn’t take me long to figure that old Samuel has something up his sleeve besides a sacrifice to God. The men kill Samuel’s young cow on the altar and sprinkle the blood as prescribed. They say all the right words and sing all the right songs and do all the right things. And when they’re finished they’re famished.
So us women bring out the food. We don’t get to do the praying and we don’t get to do the eating. But we do get to do the work.
But old Samuel he won’t let them eat. “Not yet,” he says. “Let me see your boys first.” “What for?” Jesse wants to know.
Samuel gives him a dirty look. “That’s not for you to know. Just bring your boys here, and let me look at them, one at a time.”
So Jesse tells Eliab to step up. He stands there for the longest time while Samuel looks him over – up one side and down the other. Then I’m thinking, “Is Samuel looking for a new priest or prophet? Or what?”
Eliab and Jesse are thinking too. They maybe think Samuel is raising an army. So what do they know! Eliab starts flexing his muscles and Jesse starts bragging about how tough Eliab is, and Samuel says, “So, shut up already.” Samuel waves Eliab off, and Jesse tells Abinadab to stand up.
Same routine. Abinadab is preening himself, trying to look handsome and tough.
“Cut it out, Abinadab,” I think to myself. “I don’t know what old Samuel is looking for, but I know it’s not muscles.” But of course, I can’t say that. A woman’s job is to cook, not to think. Right? Of course, right.
Jesse shows Samuel the seven oldest boys. They all do the same thing – acting tough, showing their muscles. Samuel is looking more and more ticked off. So what is this man looking for?
Then he talks. “God has not chosen any of these men – fine and handsome though they are. God looks to the heart.”
Listen. There are times when a mama’s instinct just clicks in. She understands. She acts. I’m wondering why Samuel is poking around here in Bethlehem looking for – whatever he’s looking for. This is hardly even a town, it’s so small. Jesse’s tribe is the smallest of all the tribes. So what does this prophet want with us?
Right then I know. Samuel is not looking for muscles. Samuel wants a real mensch. He wants quality, passion. Samuel wants somebody with heart. Chutzpah! And brains to go with it. So I blurt it out before Jesse can stop me. “There’s one more son. David. The youngest.”
Samuel sits up real straight. “Bring that youngest son to me. We won’t sit down to eat until I have met your youngest son.”
Jesse is sitting there looked miffed. Jesse doesn’t like David. “He’s such a mama’s boy. He sings songs ‘n twangs on that harp ‘n dreams dreams – he’s so pretty.”
It is true. My David has beautiful eyes. You should see his skin – so bright and clear and ruddy. His older brothers tease him and call him “sissy” and “mummy’s pretty baby.” But I can see things in David they don’t see. God has plans for my boy. Mothers know these things, right? Of course, right.
It doesn’t take long for them to find David. He’s in the wadi, just behind that hill. They bring him in, running, sweating. In his work clothes!
Old Samuel takes one look, then closes his eyes. I knew he was praying. Then slowly, his mouth whispering ancient and holy words, Samuel takes a horn and pours oil on David’s head.
David never blinks. He was expecting this, maybe? He falls to his knees as the oil runs down his cheeks. His eyes meet the eyes of Samuel, and a holy fire passes between them.
Then Samuel just turns on his heel and walks away. David doesn’t say anything either, not even to his mama. Off in the other direction. Back to his sheep.
Jesse is sitting there scratching his head. The older brothers start into the wine and the food. They have no idea. No idea.
I go back to my cooking pots. But I know. I know. God had seen the heart of my David, and called him to a fearful, holy destiny.
No one tells me these things. I am a mother. I know.
And I am afraid. Tonight, in the middle of the night, I will wake up and I will cry. And then I will pray God to be careful with my David.

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Seeds and Sowers
It looked like snow outside the other day – except that a warm spring sun was beaming down. But there were white flakes drifting in the air, settling into the fresh growing grass, blowing in the wind...
It was, of course, the cottonwood trees, dispersing even more fluffy seeds than the dollars involved in bank bailouts.
Before the cottonwoods, Chinese elms scattered seeds wildly, profligately. And after the cottonwoods, maples will do the same. As will dandelions, milkweed, and who knows what other plants.
It all seems colossally inefficient. You’d think that if God was smart enough to plan every detail of the universe, as the proponents of intelligent design argue, God would be smart enough to figure out a less wasteful system that would direct seeds to the most productive locations.
I mean, look what happens.
Some of the seeds fall on paved roads, where they cannot possibly establish roots. The cars drive over and crush the seeds; the rain washes them into the sewers; the sun bakes them dry.
Other seed falls on rocky ground, like the gravel beaches along our lake. There’s water there, but no soil. The seeds germinate, but the sprouts quickly wither in the sun, and wash away when storm waves sluice along the shore.
Still other seed falls among thorns and weeds. The other plants have a head-start. They grab more than their share of the rain; they block the sunshine; they choke out the struggling seedlings.
Only a small percentage of the seeds fall on good soil. Each individual seed sends down tiny roots, gathers nutrients, gains strength, and establishes itself as a thriving young tree. And in time, that tree will flower and form seeds – multiplying its original singularity not just thirty or sixty or a hundred times, but millions of times.
It will scatter those seeds just as indiscriminately, as extravagantly, as its parent tree did – on roads and rocks, among weeds and thorns. Most seeds will fail. But once again, a few seeds will fall on fertile soil, and start the process all over again.
What’s that you say? You think you’ve heard this story before?
You have. It’s called the Parable of the Sower, and it’s told in all three of the synoptic Gospels.
But I think that whoever first wrote down the parable, and later added an explanation, might have missed the point. In the gospels, the explanation comes across as self-congratulation for the disciples and other followers. They saw themselves as the “good soil,” in whom the ideas Jesus planted could produce a rich harvest.
No doubt that’s true. But even more, I think, the parable is about how God works. God does not dispense favours, one by one, selecting only the persons in whom they will generate the best returns.
Rather, God works like those cottonwood trees. God scatters possibilities wildly, extravagantly, without regard for race or creed, status or gender. And then waits to see where those seeds will take root.

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Good Stuff – This from Jim Spinks.
The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.
One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. “What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher? You know what they say about teachers. 'Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.'”
To emphasize his point he said to another guest; “You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What do you make?”
“Well,” said Bonnie, “I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I make kids wonder. I make them question. I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe. I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life.
“You want to know what I make?
“I make a difference!”

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Marilyn MacDonald remembers a funeral she conducted for an active member of the Lion’s Club. “There were several rows of pews filled with Lions in their golden vests, one of the deceased's daughters was the organist, and her sister and the rest of the family were seated in the front pew. The 'Chief Lion' and the 'Past Chief Lion' read the scriptures. The sister in the front pew burst out laughing when he read Isaiah 35:9, ‘and no lion shall be there ....!'”

Since we’re a bit short of blooper contributions this week, here are a few delicious insults.
*Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?
Ernest Hemingway about William Faulkner* Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.
Moses Hadas* He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – Though many people call the minister the Shepherd of the congregation, theologically, they should be called them sheep dogs. We just work for the Good Shepherd by nipping at people's heels and trying to keep them in line!
Eric Stephanson via Stephanie McClellan

The best things in life aren't things at all.
A church sign in Hickory, NC, via Evelyn McLachlan

Mirth is God's medicine. Everybody ought to bathe in it. Grim care, moroseness, anxiety – all the rust of life – ought to be scoured off by the oil of mirth.
H. W. Beecher via Evelyn McLachlan

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We Get Letters – Albert Durksen of Winnipeg, Manitoba writes: “There was at least one way to read that last Scrabble line – eleven+two=eleven+one – and make sense of it. They are both a dozen, just one is a baker's dozen. I always prefer that one.

David Gilchrist reports that “the war of terrorism took a strange turn today as officials at O'Hare International Airport refused to let a 73 year old grandmother board her plane because she had in her possession two, six inch knitting needles. Apparently authorities were worried that she may knit an Afghan.”

Susan Polizzi of Lowell, Massachusetts writes: I have seen those delivery trucks proclaiming the anagram of Guaranteed Overnight Delivery (GOD) for years and always wondered what company that was and whether it was an attempt at evangelism.
When I lived in Wisconsin years ago there was a car with a vanity license plate that consisted of the tetragramaton (YHWH) and I always wondered if the owners knew what they were implying by that.”

Evelyn McLachlan writes: “Neil Young of Erindale, Ontario tells how they had put a sentence on their church sign. “God is bigger than any religion.” Then a “vandal” removed one word, but was kind and put the letters in a pile below the sign. This individual had removed “any” so the sign now read, “God is bigger than religion.”
Neil left it that way.

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “See my new shoes!”)
This from Bernice Whaley
* Dear God, In bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer
* Dear God, I think about you sometimes even when I’m not praying. Elliott
* Dear God, Thank you for my baby brother, but what I really prayed for was a puppy. Joyce
* Dear God, I bet it’s really hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only four in our family and we can never do it. Nan
* Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There’s nothing good in there now. Ginny
* Dear God, If you watch in church on Sunday, I’ll show you my new shoes. Mickey
* Dear God, Please let me live for 900 years like the guys in the Bible. Love, Chris
* Dear God, If you give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I’ll give you anything you want except my money or my chess set. Raphael
* Dear God, We read that Thomas Edison made light, but in Sunday School they said you did it. I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna
* Dear God If you let the dinasers not exstinct we wouldn’t have a country. Jonathan
* Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year. Peter
* Dear God, Maybe Cain and Able would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother and me. Larry

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Bottom of the Barrel –
John: There are no absolutes!
Mary: Are you sure?John: Absolutely!

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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – 1 Samuel 15:34 - 16:13
Reader I: Hey! I just heard. Next week we get to do the story of David and Goliath.
Reader II: (WITH NO ENTHUSIASM) You really like that one, don’t you.
I: Oh yeah! The little guy gets the big guy. Bam! A rock on the noggin’. Head cut off. Lots of blood and gore and graphics. Special effects!
II: But that’s next week.
I: This week we hear about how the little guy gets to be the big king. Top dog! King of the Castle. Numero uno! He makes all his older brothers looks like a bunch of slobs.
II: That’s not exactly the way the story is told in the Bible.
I: No? Well, I suppose the story in the Bible has some kind of moral. Some deep meaning.
II: The whole Bible is about people learning to understand God. And this story about the anointing of King David is another story of people trying to find out how God wants them to run their country.
I: Now I remember. Didn’t they have a judges who helped them do the right thing, but the people wanted a king like everybody else.
II: That’s right. And the first king was Saul. But Saul didn’t always do as God told him, so God decided on a replacement.
I: Who’s this guy Samuel?
II: Samuel was a prophet. He was God’s messenger. Samuel and King Saul had an argument about this whole business. Both of them went away mad at each other and that’s where our story begins. So start reading the story from the book of Samuel. It’s the story of how God used Samuel the prophet to pick out a king to replace Saul.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: Then Samuel went to Ramah; and Saul went up to his house in Gibeah of Saul. Samuel did not see Saul again until the day of his death, but Samuel grieved over Saul. And God was sorry about the choice of Saul as king over Israel. God spoke to Samuel.
II: "How long will you grieve over Saul? I have rejected him from being king over Israel. Fill your horn with oil and set out; I will send you to Jesse of Bethlehem, for I have provided for myself a king among his sons."
I:"How can I go? If Saul hears of it, he will kill me."
II: "Take a young cow with you, and say, 'I have come to sacrifice to God.' Invite Jesse to the sacrifice, and I will show you what you shall do; and you shall anoint for me the one whom I name to you."
I: Samuel did what God commanded, and came to Bethlehem. The elders of the city came to meet him trembling, and said, "Do you come peaceably?"
II: "Peaceably; I have come to sacrifice to God. Sanctify yourselves and come with me to the sacrifice."
I: And Samuel sanctified Jesse and his sons and invited them to the sacrifice. When they came, he looked on Eliab.
II: "Surely God's anointed is now before us." Speak to me God, if this is the one.
I:"Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God does not see as mortals see; they look on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart."
II: Here then is Jesse’s son Abinadab.
I: "Neither has God chosen this one."
II: Here then is Jesse’s son Shammah.
I: "Neither has God chosen this one."
II: Here then are seven more of my sons.
I: "God has not chosen any of these." Jesse, are all your sons here?"
II: "There remains yet the youngest, but he is keeping the sheep."
I: "Send and bring him; for we will not sit down until he comes here."
II: So Jesse sent and brought him in. Now this youngest son was ruddy, and had beautiful eyes, and was handsome.
I: "Rise and anoint him; for this is the one."
II: Then Samuel took the horn of oil, and anointed him in the presence of his brothers; and the spirit of God came mightily upon David from that day forward.

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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Preaching Materials for June 7th, 2009

R U M O R S # 554
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-05-31

May 31, 2009

THE NICODEMUS STORY
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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The Story – abuse of the Word
Rumors – let go of the rail
Soft Edges – the way we wish we were
Good Stuff – I think that I shall never see
Bloopers – light sin
We Get Letters – enough to chop down a dozen trees
Mirabile Dictu! – pewtrify
Bottom of the Barrel – a new acronym
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 3:1-17
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – The pastor was counseling the young lad who was a serious procrastinator. “Finish the things you’ve started,” she said sternly but kindly. “Don’t leave things undone.”
The next day the lad met his Pastor on the street. “You told me to finish things I had started, Pastor. Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a pumpkin pie, and a large box of chocolate candy. I feel better already.”

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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, June 7th, which is Trinity Sunday.

Isaiah 6:1-8 – This is poetry. As such, it should only be read in public by someone who knows how to do poetry. We would never ask someone who can’t sing to embarrass themselves and us by doing a solo in church. Why do we keep doing that with poetry?
Read as history or theology or anything else, Isaiah’s poetic outburst will shrivel and die somewhere between the lectern and the congregation.
Let’s not do that to Isaiah. Let’s not do that to ourselves.

The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – John 3:1-17

Jim says--
I’ve been reading in the alternate news media about residential schools. No, not the residential school system in Canada, which has justly received harsh criticism and condemnation over treatment of native children. The Presbyterian, Anglican, and United Churches all issued apologies for their complicity in this abuse; the federal government got on the bandwagon with its own apology a year ago.
Nope, this is in Ireland. The Catholic Church ran schools, mostly for boys. As in Canada, much of the anger has focused on a group called the Christian Brothers.
Lord Acton’s famous quote applies: “Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.”
In residential schools, some people – teachers, administrators, even janitors – had power. It ennobled some, it corrupted others. When power is abused in the name of the Absolute, it corrupts absolutely.
I would draw a parallel with abuse of the word of God, as reported in the Bible. According to the Gospels, Jesus made one reference – just one – to being “born again.” But some parts of the Church have made it absolute, the only criterion for becoming Christian. John 3:16 becomes such an icon that citing the numbers alone is supposed to change lives. The “born again” mantra is wielded like a club – conform, or expect eternal punishment.
I call that abuse of the word, and of the Word.
Ralph says –
The story is in the John passage, except that it’s not a very well-written story. If you handed this lection to Jim Taylor, the editor, he would insert a huge red asterisk at the end of verse 10 and a note that says you left Nicodemus dangling in mid air. You don’t finish the story. The story turns into a sermon, and a pretty confusing one at that.
But there is a story in there. If we read on through John’s gospel, suddenly up pops old Nic again, this time putting his career on the line by speaking, a little half-heartedly perhaps, in defense of this upstart Galilean prophet.
And then, at the very end – what’s this? Nicodemus is doing what no self-respecting, three-piece suited Pharisee would ever do – he’s actually touching a corpse. He’s helping with the burial of Jesus. What’s going on here?
At the end of the story, Nicodemus is a caring, crying, loving human being. He is a new person. What was that phrase Jesus used? “Born from above?” “Born again?” “Born from God?” However you name it, the new Nicodemus has emerged.
It would be just a pleasant story if many of us hadn’t already lived it. Throughout our lives, there are niggles and ferments and bubbles. Sometimes we pay attention. When we do, we relive the story of Nicodemus.
I was once asked by a fiery-eyed young man, “Have you been born again?”
“Yes,” I said to him. “And again and again and again.”
In the Readers’ Theatre (below), I try to capture the larger story of Nicodemus, not just the snippet in this week’s reading. You are welcome to fix, adapt, modify, change – do whatever to make it fit you and your circumstances.

Psalm 29 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
In biblical times, a sojourn in the wilderness helped people clear their heads and come face-to-face with God. In our times, it's more likely to be a crisis that shatters the stability of our ordered lives.

1 Trust God – don't pin your faith to human capabilities.
2 Science and technology, wealth and popularity –
These will all pass away.
Only God is worthy of lasting worship.
3 Fame and fortune will not save you when the tempest strikes.
The winds whirl in; waves crash upon your shore.
4 Houses collapse like cards; corporations crumble; assets become worthless.
5 Branches break off; mighty empires are uprooted.
6 In a storm, you are as naked and helpless as the day you were born.
Your possessions, your wealth, your status are useless to you.
7 There is just you and the power of God.
8 Before God's anger, you tremble like a twig in a tempest.
9 All that you depended upon is stripped away, like the last leaves from autumn trees.
10 Before God's majesty, you face your own frailty.
Nothing can save you – except God.
11 Only God is greater than every human crisis.
Only God can sustain you through the storm,
and carry you to the calm on the other side.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

Romans 8:12-17 – We experience God’s presence in our lives through stories we hear and through the lives we live. But it is good to try to put that experience into words, even though it will always be inadequate.
Paul is as good as anyone at the exercise, but even he has to break into metaphor, that of child and parent. It’s a dangerous metaphor, because none of us received and none of us ever gave perfect parenting.
But most of us (but not all!) can imagine what such parenting might be like, and if we can do that, we have a glimmer of what God is like.
For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 126 where you’ll find “Isaiah Becomes a Prophet,” and page 129 where we’ll find a story based on John’s Nicodemus account.
A suggestion. Have someone read the Nicodemus story from the Lectionary Story Bible while the children are in church. Then, just before the sermon, do the Reader’s Theatre version. Begin the sermon with your own story. Who knows? Some of the folks might make the connection to their own lives.
If you don’t already own “The Lectionary Story Bible,” click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod

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Rumors –
There are many journeys in a life.
A vivid memory is moving from the tiny hamlet of Horndean, in southern Manitoba to Ottawa at the height of the Second World War. I was nine years old. The move was not my decision, and I was protected and loved through it all by my parents and older sisters.
The first real journey of risk that I chose for myself was marriage. I lay awake the entire night before the wedding arguing back and forth with myself. I now know I did the right thing, though for all the wrong reasons. And, like Abraham, I had no idea where that journey would take me. My idea of marriage came right out of Hollywood and had no connection with reality. I also know, in retrospect, that God was with me on that journey into relationship (which I’m still on, by the way), not pushing, but offering strength.
Much like a parent helping a child on the first day of school.
My second big journey was going overseas to the Philippines as a missionary. Bev and I went, cocky and naive, full of fear and bravado and found ourselves plunged into the wilderness of culture shock. In that island paradise we did 20 years worth of growing in the space of 5. God was there with us, encouraging and nudging and smiling us through, holding hands, holding hearts and offering love, most often through the care and kindness of Filipino Christian friends and colleagues.
Now I’m poised on the edge of another journey. Like that first trip as a child, this one is not of my own choosing. I am well down that bumpy road into old age. And beyond that death.
I’ve had two recent brushes with death. I think of those moments with a sense of amazement. In the moments when I thought I was drawing my last breath, I felt no fear. I felt a mixture of gratitude and annoyance. Gratitude for a rich and full life that I’ve been given. Annoyance that I was leaving a life I enjoyed so much.
In a recent note, Mary of Oman commented, gently and kindly, that I often write about being old. She’s right of course. And I live in dread of becoming a terminal bore with a fixation on my assorted aches and pains. But when you get right down to it, we have nothing to share except the journey we are on.
Old age is a fearful, blessed time. It’s both painful and joyful.
Again I feel that gentle arm around my shoulder. Like Nicodemus giving up his corner office and stock options. Like Abraham’s journey to God-knows where. Like Sarah birthing a child called “Laughter.” Like Mary of Magdala putting her troubled life into the hands of a wandering preacher. Like Martin Luther hammering a revolution onto a church door.
I can hear an inner voice saying, “It’s okay Ralph. Just let go of the rail. Hang on to me. I am with you always. Even when – especially when – it hurts the most.
“Oh, and Ralph, there’s a beautiful surprise at the end of it all. There really is.”

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
The Way We Wish We Were
Just over a year ago, I injured my knee. I still don’t know how. I had spent the day before with friends, on a retreat, doing nothing particularly physical; I woke the next morning unable to walk without a cane.
Knees take a long time to heal.
I learned how to walk without an obvious limp on level ground. Going up and down hills, or stairs, was a different matter. And unfortunately, where I live, we have nothing but hills.
After I’d favoured my right leg for about six months, my left heel decided to retaliate. Now I didn’t know which leg to hobble on!
Both my right knee and my left heel are feeling a lot better, thank you. I rarely take a step that causes me to wince suddenly in pain.
But I realized the other day that I have not run for a year. And that bothers me.
I used to run constantly. I’d rather run than walk. I loved the freedom of running, the breeze in my hair, the sense of movement... Once when I missed a bus, I ran the three miles instead and beat the next bus to my destination.
Like Eric Liddell, hero of the film “Chariots of Fire,” I ran because that was the way that God had made me.
But then came a career, a marriage and a mortgage, children, community responsibilities... I ran only when I was late for appointments. Or for my morning cardio-vascular exercise.
Don’t misunderstand me -- I don’t regret any of those life changes. Without them, I would not be who I am today. And I like who I am.
But I wonder sometimes what happened to that young man who ran like the wind for the sheer joy of running.
Is he still running, in some parallel universe? Did he die and disappear forever? Is he still hiding inside this aging assembly of skin and bones and aching joints?
When I chat with other men my age, they admit similar wonderings. They miss what they recall as their golden age, a halcyon time when they felt they lived life fully.
And I wonder if that’s where some of our notions of heaven come from. I’ve never heard any description of heaven with crippled or infirm people in it, or with people still blind or deaf. For that matter, I’ve never heard of a heaven that still has slaves, or poverty – even the streets are supposed to be paved with gold!
I get the sense that in heaven -- whatever that is -- people expect to be restored to a time when their lives didn’t let them down. Uniformly, we seem to imagine that we will be young, healthy, free, rich...
We certainly don’t expect to spend eternity -- whatever that is -- inhabiting bodies crippled by accident or illness, or with minds debilitated by dementia.
Is it possible that heaven, like fashion magazines, is a form of denial of what we are, and of what we have become?

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Good Stuff – This from Robert Bates of Florence, Massachusetts.
(Note: With apologies, I hope, to Joyce Kilmer. When I checked the spelling of Kilmer’s name, I was surprised to learn that she is not a she. The full name is Alfred Joyce Kilmer.)

I think that I shall never see A church that's all it ought to be;A church whose members never stray Beyond the straight and narrow way.A church that has no empty pews, Whose pastor never has the blues.A church whose deacons always "deak", And none are proud, and all are meek.Where gossips never peddle lies Or make complaints or criticize.Where all are always sweet and kind, And all to others' faults are blind.Such churches perfect there may be. But none of them are known to me.But still I'll work and pray and plan To make my own the best I can.
Anonymous

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Gary England of South Pittsburg, Tennessee writes: “On the electrical panel in our church there is this wonderful Dymo label, which intends to note that a certain breaker controls the lighting in the nave. Early Dymo label makers were notoriously quirky to use. This label reads "LIGHT SIN CHURCH". Maybe we clergy are doing our job better than it seems sometimes.”

Barb Lindgren of Le Sueur, Minnesota (The valley of the Jolly Green Giant) was invited to preach at a baccalaureate service but the minutes noting that fact said she would be speaking at the bachelorette service.
Interesting, Barb. But it stands to reasons that bachelor’s come in assorted sizes.

Dennis Fonkert of Glenham, South Dakota, tells about a work party that came to mow the grass in the church yard and cemetery. Apparently they did even better. The bulletin read, "Thank you to all who came to move the church yard and cemetery on Friday.”

Becky from Norfolk, Virginia says Jim’s “review and analysis of email spam (and as a woman, I actually get the same quotas) brought to mind a blooper about an upcoming meeting of the Lions Club. Every single reference was (mis)spelled "Loins Club".
Becky, maybe the typist was being biblical and calling us to “gird up our loins.” Or had she been reading too many of those spam ads telling us males to do exactly that? I looked up the word “gird” in my dictionary, and the first meaning is to “to prepare yourself for conflict or vigorous activity.” Which I think is pretty much what they have in mind.

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – Joy is more divine than sorrow, for joy is bread and sorrow is medicine.
H. W. Beecher via Evelyn McLachlan

Trifles make perfection. Perfection is no trifle.
Michelangelo via Stephani Keer

The one who laughs last thinks slowest.
source unknown

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We Get Letters – Whoooweee! If folks were still writing letters on paper, last week’s “Rumors” would have chopped down a dozen trees.
David Evans sent the first e-mail. “I woke up early this morning (4 am in Moncton New Brunswick) and couldn’t get back to sleep so went looking for my Sunday morning ‘fix’ of Rumors. Curses! No email from Ralph. Check the blog. Hallelujah!! It's there. Still amazed I spotted the typo at that hour.”
First of all, my condolences to poor David who reads Rumors at four in the morning. Secondly, it was that Scrabble or anagram thing in “Mirabile Dictu” that got to him. And a whole batch of people around the world. I’m sitting here trying to figure out why. Perhaps they are all Michelangelos (see above).
“Eleven plus two = eleven plus one,” is what I wrote in Rumors. It didn’t make sense to me either, but that’s not unusual.
David wants to know, “Is that the new math? And how can I convince my bank manager to adopt this system for my benefit?
Eleven plus two = twelve plus one and it works fine.
Mark Davis was on about that same topic, but went on to note that “a single ‘Presbyterian = best in prayer’ (as you pointed out), but where two or more are gathered, ‘Presbyterians = Britney Spears’. That may be a pretty strong argument for individualistic piety.”

Mindy Ehrke of Mount Vernon and Letcher, South Dakota adds a helpful comment. “Surely it's no coincidence that the word ‘listen’ is an anagram of the word ‘silent’.”



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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Pewtrify!”)
John Severson has some new words for our vocabulary.
* Hymnastics: The entertaining body language of your song leader.
* Narthexegesis: Post-sermon commentary by the laity in the lobby after church.
* Pewtrify: To occupy a precise spot in the sanctuary seating for more than 15 years without once showing signs of sentient life.
* Hymnprovisation: The abrupt and unannounced transition from one song to another. It also describes what happens when the words projected on the screens are not singable to the melody the pianist is playing.
* Proliferation: A growing number of anti-abortion activists.

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Bottom of the Barrel – We have it on good authority (an anonymous e-mail) that there’s a delivery truck scooting around the city with three large letters painted on both sides and on the cab of the truck. I won’t tell you what the letters are, because they trigger some spam filters when printed in all caps. (How’s that for taking the name in vain?)
If you can get close enough, you’ll discover that the three letters are an acronym for “Guaranteed Overnight Delivery.”

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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 3:1-17
Reader I: Today, we hear the story of Nicodemus.
Reader II: Nicodemus? Isn’t that some kind of patch you use to help you quit smoking?
I: Don’t be ridiculous!
II: Okay. So who is this Nicodemus?
I: He was a really interesting guy. A guy with a lot of courage.
II: You mean he really had guts.
I: If that’s the way you want to put it, yes. Nicodemus is only mentioned in John’s gospel. He was part of the establishment. Like a member of cabinet in the government. So start reading the story. It’s from the third chapter of the book of John.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
II: Now there was a Pharisee named Nicodemus, a leader of the Jews. He came to Jesus by night.
I: "Rabbi, we know that you are a teacher who has come from God; for no one can do these signs that you do apart from the presence of God."
II: "Very truly, I tell you, Nicodemus. No one can see the kingdom of God without being born from above. Or born again. Or born anew. However you want to put it.”
I: "How can anyone be born after having grown old? Can one enter a second time into the mother's womb and be born?"
II: “No. No one can enter the kingdom of God without being born of water and Spirit. What is born of the flesh is flesh, and what is born of the Spirit is spirit. So don’t be astonished that I said to you, 'You must be born from above.' The wind blows where it chooses, and you hear the sound of it, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit."
I: "How can these things be?"
II: "Are you a leader of Israel, and yet you do not understand these things? Very truly, I tell you, Nicodemus. We speak of what we know and testify to what we have seen; yet you do not receive our testimony. If I have told you about earthly things and you do not believe, how can you believe if I tell you about heavenly things? No one has gone into heaven except the one who came from heaven, the Son of Man. And just as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, so must the Son of Man be lifted up, that whoever believes in him may have eternal life. This is how much God loved the world. God loved the world enough to send an only child, so that all who believe in God’s child would not die, but have eternal life. God didn’t send that only child to condemn the world, but to save the world.”
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: So that’s part one of the story. Would you like to hear part two?
II: Yeah. Because we heard Jesus preach a little sermon to Nicodemus, but the story doesn’t tell us what happened to him. Did he run? Did he become one of Jesus’ disciples? I mean, if he had to sneak around in the middle of the night to have a conversation with Jesus, it must mean he was worried about being caught out or something.
I: Exactly. His reputation would have been ruined. So Nicodemus may have believed Jesus’ words, but he kept quiet about it. He didn’t want to lose his job.
II: But you said there was a part two. What happened?
I: Jesus went around preaching the gospel of love. It’s what he told Nicodemus in the middle of the night. And God hopes for our love in return.
II: What’s so terrible about that?
I: The Romans ran the country. They wanted everyone to obey the rules that the Romans laid down. Without question. And the religious authorities wanted everyone to obey the Jewish law. Jesus was telling people to follow God’s law of love. So they arrested him. And that’s where we pick up the story of Nicodemus. Jesus is on trial for his life. Nobody speaks up for him. Except Nicodemus. So read from the seventh chapter of the book of John.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
II: The temple police had been sent out to arrest Jesus. But they came back without him.
I: “Why did you not arrest him?”
II: Have you heard the way he talks? We’ve never heard anyone talk like that!
I: “You mean he’s got you fooled, too? Do you know of anyone who knows anything that has believed him? Has any one of the authorities or Pharisees believed in this Jesus?
II: But the crowd . . .
I: The crowd knows nothing. They are stupid.
II: Then Nicodemus stepped up and spoke to them.
I: “Our law does not judge people without first giving them a hearing to find out what they are doing, does it?”
II: C’mon. Nicodemus! Are you from Galilee too? Check out any of the authorities. Read all the books on the subject. Nobody, but nobody says a prophet can come out of Galilee.”
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: So you see, Nicodemus does step up to the plate after all. And they probably get him for it.
II: How do you know? The story just sort of ends in the middle of things.
I: Oh, but it doesn’t end. Jesus is crucified. He is dead. Then Nicodemus does something that tells us he is no longer one of the big wigs. He does what no respected leader would ever do. He touches a corpse.
II: What’s so terrible about that?
I: In our culture, that is not terrible. In the Jewish law of the time when Jesus lived, to touch a corpse made you ritually unclean. And no respectable leader would ever do that. Let’s read the last part of the Nicodemus story from the 19th chapter of John’s Gospel.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
II: After the death of Jesus, Joseph of Arimathea, who was a disciple of Jesus, though a secret one because of his fear of the Jews, asked Pilate to let him take away the body of Jesus. Pilate gave him permission. So he came and removed his body.
I: Nicodemus – yes, the same man who came to Jesus in the middle of the night – also came to help Joseph of Arimathea. Nicodemus brought a hundred pounds of myrrh and aloes. The two men took the body of Jesus and wrapped it with the spices in linen cloths. This was the Jewish custom.
I: Now there was a garden in the place where Jesus was crucified, and in the garden there was a new tomb in which no one had been laid. And there, they laid the body of Jesus.

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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*