R U M O R S # 577
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-11-22
November 22, 2009
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"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Note: Jim Taylor is on the road this week and is having internet problems. He used that antique invention, the phone, to tell me that he would not be able to provide his comments to the lectionary nor his “Soft Edges” column.
He’ll be back next week.
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The Story – breathless beauty
Rumors – Look God, you blew it
Soft Edges – not available. See above.
Bloopers – holy Holly
We Get Letters – anguishing joy
Mirabile Dictu! – Déjà Moo
Bottom of the Barrel – when you’re really sick
Rationale for the Alternate Advent Lectionary
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Isaiah 7:14-16 and Luke 1:26-38
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – This from John Severson.
The minister waited in line to have the car filled with gas just before a longholiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead. Finally, the attendant motioned the minister toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young attendant, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, November 29th, which is the first Sunday in Advent.
* Jeremiah 33:14-16
* Psalm 25:1-10
* 1 Thessalonians 3:9-13
* Luke 21:25-36
However!
Last Tuesday you received a special bulletin announcing an alternate set of readings for this Advent – readings that we feel are more relevant to the church as it is today. If you misplaced or just didn’t read that bulletin, it is reproduced below, just before the Reader’s Theatre.
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Isaiah 7:14-16 and Luke 1:26-38
Ralph says –
I’ve put these two readings together because they are both about the same thing. It really doesn’t matter that the prophet was probably speaking about his own wife. But the birth of the child was a sign that “God is with us” as the name Immanuel means. Later generations began to read this as a sign of the coming Messiah, which is as it should be. We all read the scripture that way. Every child born into this world is a sign that God is with us.
And let’s not get hung up on gynecological details. The early church, years after the death and resurrection of Jesus, mistranslated Isaiah’s “young woman” as “virgin,” and Luke wrote it down that way. It became so important to them that this Jesus who was for them the Christ, the Messiah, be in some way particularly and directly connected to God. They didn’t know how to express that and so the legend of his birth grew and blossomed.
So of course it had to be the angel who made a special trip to deliver the message and of course Mary had to be the perfect woman because who else but a perfect woman could give birth to such a person.
I’m a bit sad that the implication is that a child born out of the love of both a man and a woman might be less than perfect and less a messenger of God’s love. But I’m not going to let that spoil the breathless beauty of this legend.
I tried to capture this beauty and wonder in children’s versions of both the Isaiah and Luke readings, in the Lectionary Story Bible (see below). Adults really benefit from hearing these and understand the bible readings more deeply. That is why many worship leaders choose to read them while the children are still with the adults. The grown-ups don’t realize it’s as much for them as for the kids.
Psalm 25:1-10 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 I look up to you, my Savior. I trust you.
2 Do not disgrace me. Do not let others crow over my humiliation.
3 Those who are sneaky and devious–let them make fools of themselves, Lord.
4 But I do not want to be one of them, Lord.
I want to be more like you.
5. So take me under your wing. Protect me while I learn to fly.
Hold my hand while I learn to walk.
You are my only chance; I hang all my hopes on you.
6 I've been told you don't hold grudges;
I have heard you are compassionate.
7 Don't hold my past against me.
I have done wrong–but who hasn't?
Except you.
If you must judge, set an example for us;
Show us the compassion and kindness you expect us to show others.
8 Act according to your own standards, not according to the world's.
9 Then the humble will learn how to handle themselves;
the broken of body will be able to stand tall;
the poor can walk proud,
10 because they walk in your ways.
Your way is founded on love and faithfulness;
those who choose to walk with you, learn from you.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
If you are planning to stick to the prescribed lectionary, you will find two useful children’s stories in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C.” On page 16, you’ll find a story based on 1 Thessalonians 3:9-13 called “How to Be a Church Together.” On page 21 you’ll find a story based on the passage from Luke called “What Do Prophets Do.”
If you are going with the alternate readings we suggest, you’ll find a delightful story (at least, I enjoyed writing it) called “A Child Named Immanuel,” based on Isaiah 7:10-16 on page 33 of volume A. Also in volume A is an annunciation story based on the readings from Luke and Matthew. It’s called “Joseph’s Brave Choice,” and it’s on page 35.
If you don’t already own this three-volume set of stories based on the Revised Common Lectionary, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
If you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – “This time, God, you blew it!”
The Incarnation– a fantasy
ÓRalph Milton
(Note: This is a very unorthodox and somewhat heretical perspective. Some might find it deeply upsetting. Please read it yourself before you read it to a congregation or a Bible study group.)
God had called a meeting of the heavenly hosts to consider the proposal.
"I've told 'em and told 'em and I've told 'em," said God, when they were all sitting around the board room table. "All that business with Abraham and Isaac and Joseph. And then there was Isaiah scaring the pants off 'em and Jeremiah with his audiovisuals. Even Ezekiel on his psychedelic trip. Nobody listens to me anymore. I get no respect.
"How about another prophet?" said Gabriel. "Only this time, one with a bit of class. White suit. Healing everybody. Strong speaker. Charismatic personality. Tongues...yeah, speaking in tongues. We haven't done that little number...."
"Look, Gabe...," said God. "I know I put you in charge of PR but another prophet won't do. Even with a white suit and tongues. It's gotta be something more. It's got to be the Messiah."
"You're kidding," said Gabriel.
"No. I mean it. Time to stop fooling around. If you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself. So I shall become flesh and dwell among them. Get me the Messiah suit."
Gabriel was dumbfounded. He didn’t expect God to go through with it. Never did he expect God to become a human being, even though there had been promises to that effect for centuries.
And Gabriel had certainly never seen a Messiah suit. But there he stood at the locker with the key in his hand.
It was a greyish, moth-eaten piece of badly woven wool.
"Ah...God...." said Gabriel on the intercom to the throne room. "I think you must have sent me to the wrong locker. It was number 666, wasn't it?"
"Of course!' said God. "I don't make mistakes."
"Well, ah, it doesn't look much like a Messiah suit to me. It isn't really the kind of thing you'd wear on a triumphal ride into Jerusalem. It's nothing but an old wool rag..."
"That's it!" said the voice on the intercom.
"But God..."
"That's it!"
Back in the throne room Gabriel was busy trying to work out the logistics of it all. "We've got to get you born, first of all. Now you had one of your prophets tell people the Messiah would be born of a virgin..."
"Got just the girl," said God.
"Let me guess," said Gabriel. "Salome, the daughter of King Herod."
"She's NOT a virgin!" said God.
"Oh."
"Besides –I've got a girl from Nazareth called Mary...."
"She's not a virgin either," said Gabriel.
"She was raped," said God angrily. "By a Roman soldier. As far as I'm concerned, she's a virgin."
"Gimme a break, God. I'm not stupid, y'know."
"You're not stupid, but you haven't really paid attention to the prophets, Gabriel. The Messiah will be "despised and rejected, a child of sorrow and aquatinted with grief." Who could be more despised and rejected in Jewish society than the bastard child of a Roman solider.
"You are right of course, God," Gabriel groveled. "But she is still not a virgin."
"Oh?" said God. "A child, just barley a woman, brutally raped on her way home one night, has committed no sin. She is a victim of sin. But she is ready to bear and love that child, and as far as I'm concerned, she is a virgin, and henceforth, all nations shall call her blessed."
"But you always seem to go to the dregs of society for your leaders, God. Why?"
"Why? Why Gabriel? Because my name is Love. And when someone is hurt, I can't help but love them just a little more. That's why I chose the Hebrews–such a poor, pathetic little tribe. That's why I chose Sarah, such a sad old woman who laughed when I announced her pregnancy. That's why I chose Jacob who was dishonest and all thumbs, and why I gave him Rachel so he could make something out of himself. That's why I chose Ruth, a starving widow and David, a shepherd from the boondocks."
"Yeah," said Gabriel. "Youngest sons and women. The ones voted least likely to succeed. It's no wonder most of the world has never heard of you. You know how to pick the winners, that's for sure."
God sighed. "Go tell her Gabe. Tell that poor frightened girl, she's going to have a baby. Me."
–-
It was years later. Gabriel was busy minding the shop while God was off being a human. Gabriel's biggest problem was trying to explain things to all the cherubim and seraphim that kept pestering him with questions.
And Gabe wasn't doing very well.
"I guess God's really taking it seriously, this business of being human. Seems to me the Messiah could have reserved a few divine privileges. That stable was a mess. You couldn't believe the smell. And the cockroaches. But then I guess God created the cockroaches too, though I'll never know why."
Then Gabriel tried to force a little optimism. After all, when you're in PR the name of the game is optimism.
"But I think God's going to do it right this time. There's a plan for a big ride into Jerusalem...people waving and shouting, all that sort of thing. I've got Judas all geared up to really challenge God to do it up brown. 'Be the Messiah and take charge', Judas is going to tell God. 'Show them who's boss'. Judas can pull it off.
"Gabriel, sir." It was one of the cherubim. "I was just down there flying around a little. And I was wondering....for the parade into Jerusalem...why did they choose a donkey?"
"A donkey! For Pete's sake. God..." and Gabriel stopped just short of blasphemy. "So what's wrong with a horse? That would have been impressive. Conquerors and kings ride on horses."
"Maybe God doesn't want to be a conqueror," said the cherubim.
"Of course God is the conqueror!" Gabriel was shouting now. "How else do you take charge of the world? Being sweet and nice is fine for openers, but if you want to be God of Gods and Lord of Lords...if you want to be the Messiah... you've got to show some muscle. A donkey..."
–-
It was just a week later. Gabriel was sitting in his office nursing a very large, very dry martini. There was a tiny knock at the door.
"What?" shouted Gabriel.
"Pardon me, sir," said the cherubim. "But I thought I should come and tell you."
"What's to tell. They made God the laughing stock. Crucified him like a crook out on the garbage dump. All we got was a few pious niceties from the cross. 'It is finished'. How's THAT for an exit line? 'It is finished. I'm finished.'"
"But God isn't."
"Isn't what?"
"Finished. The women went to the tomb. The body wasn't there. And then God appeared to the women and the other disciples. God is alive!"
"Great! Marvelous! I love it! Hey, I knew the boss had some tricks up that old sleeve. How about that? Now God is going to ride right back through town and show those Romans which end is up. How about that?"
"Are you sure?"
"What do you mean? Of course I'm sure. I'm the Archangel Gabriel, ain't I?"
"Well," said the cherubim. "God doesn't seem to be doing that. God doesn't seem to be meeting with anyone except the disciples."
"The disciples? That bunch of wimps? What for? A bunch of nerds who can't walk and chew gum. Damn! Why is it, that an all-powerful God never uses that power. When you're holding four aces, why not play them?
"You'd think, from the way God is acting, that it's better to be weak. That losers win.
"I never thought I'd say it, but God, the Lord Yahweh, Creator of Heaven and Earth, couldn't make it as a human.
“God! This time you blew it!"
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Linda Paddon writes: “A typo in our order of service one Sunday changed our daughter Holly to Holy!”
Well Linda, I’m sure your daughter is.
Jessica Cottrell of Englehart, Ontario says she “went to announce the next hymn and saw it printed as ‘What a Fiend We Have in Jesus’."
WWJD? I bet he'd use his turn signal!
seen on a bumper sticker via Evelyn McLachlan
“…a really neat idea just pooped into my head.”
seen on a newsletter
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
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Wish I’d Said That! – If my memory was any shorter, I’d be going back in time!
Pat Jones
You can't have a better tomorrow if you're thinking about yesterday.
Charles Kettering via Pat Jones
It is never too late to give up our prejudices.
Henry David Thoreau via Mary “in lovely sunny Oman”
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We Get Letters – Thanks to the many who wrote in response to our presumptive foray into lectionary improvement. There were many, many enthusiastic positive responses. But also a healthy number of thoughtful letters from those who feel we may be missing something important.
I don’t want to get into a debate on this topic, so let this one letter from Jim Lawton stand for those who made a strong and useful case for seeing the strength and necessity in the lectionary as it is.
“It may be presumptuous to think we don't need to hear about (and prepare to prepare!) preparing to welcome Jesus into our lives/world/church. I see too much of this Gospel-by-marketing-priorities here in the states. It IS a sellout, though. I think is an indication of how our western culture has sold out and simply doesn't have the patience to deal with expectation and looking ahead, and how we can't “get" the Jewish view-take on life. I will be trying to get "the people" to remember the anguishing joy of all the expectations we had leading up to Christmas.”
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Déjà Moo!”) These from Marilyn MacDonald. Some of them have been around before but I laughed all over again so I’m including them. A few are new. At least to me.
* Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
* A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
* Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.
* A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
* Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
* An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
* Déjà Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
* I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
* I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
* What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
* A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
* There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Bottom of the Barrel – This from Marilyn MacDonald, by way of Carl Chamberlain on “e-talk.” The pastor visited a man in the hospital. The parishioner had been told they did not know what was wrong with him, but it seemed he was 'going downhill' very quickly.
The patient asked the pastor to pray for him, with the statement, 'If I get better, I will give $10,000. to the building fund of the church.
The pastor relayed this information to the chair of the Building Committee.
When the man did actually get better, and had arrived home, there was no mention of the pledge, so the pastor decided to remind him of his promise.
The response was, 'Pastor, did I actually say that?'
' Yes, you did.'
'Well,' said the man, 'that just goes to show you how really sick I was, doesn't it!'
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Special Bulletin (sent to the entire Rumors list last Tuesday)
for those Rumors readers who are preparing worship services during the four Sundays of Advent.
We (Jim Taylor and I) plan to abandon the lectionary for this season. Yes, we know that’s both presumptuous and heretical. Also a little arrogant.
But here’s why.
It’s more important for people to hear the Christmas story than it is to be faithful to the lectionary. The Revised Common Lectionary is a useful tool and we will return to it. But in the Advent season it fails us.
In the churches Jim and I know anything about, attendance peaks during the four Sundays of Advent. That’s when the “almost committed” are there. This is our evangelistic opportunity. This is our one chance to talk to them about the one Christian story they know best. For many, the only Christian story they know.
Yes, the faithful core of worshippers will be there after Christmas, but even they don’t really understand why they shouldn’t sing carols and hear the Christmas story during what they think of as “the Christmas season.”
If people don’t hear the Christmas story in church, they will hear it only as told by Wal Mart and on TV. Reminds me of the couple who noticed a manger scene on the lawn of a church. “Look at that,” said one to the other. “Now even the churches are trying to horn-in on Christmas!”
So here’s a bit of advance notice about the readings we’ll be featuring during the four Sunday in Advent. In the “Reader’s Theatre” we will be using both the readings from Isaiah and from Luke.
Advent one:
Isaiah 7:14-16 “a young woman is with child and shall bear a son. . .”
Luke 1:26-38 “the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a town in Galilee . . .”
Advent two:
Isaiah 11:1-9 “A shoot shall come out from the stump of Jesse. . .”
Luke 1:39-45, 56 “Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the child leaped in her womb”
Luke 1:46-55 “My soul magnifies the Lord . . .” can be used in place of the psalm or included in the gospel reading.
Advent three:
Isaiah 9:6-7 “For a child has been born to us. . .”
Luke 2:1-7 “she gave birth to her first-born son. . .”
Advent four:
Isaiah 52:7-10 “how beautiful upon the mountains are the feet. . .”
You may decide to do Luke 2:1-7 again on this Sunday and then add. . .
Luke 2:8-21 “there were shepherds living in the fields. . .”
We hope this advance notice has been useful to you.
Ralph Milton
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Isaiah 7:14-16 and Luke 1:26-38
Note: It would be good if reader 1 could be female, since number 1 has the role of Mary in the second reading.
Reader 1: Well, the time really gallops, doesn’t it? Here it is, the First Sunday in the season of Advent.
Reader 2: So what’s with this Advent business? I thought this was the Christmas season.
1: It’s about getting ready. Getting prepared. So that when Christmas Day arrives, you’ll really know what it’s about.
2: I know. It’s about gifts. Getting your Christmas wish list. Going on a shopping binge. Do you know what I want this Christmas?
1: No, and please don’t tell me. It’s about gifts, all right, but not that kind of thing. It’s about God giving us the greatest gift imaginable. It’s about God giving us God.
2: What?
1: God giving us God!
2: I still don’t get it. I mean if God is everywhere, and God made everything there is, and if everything belongs to God including me and you, then how can God give us God?
1: Isn’t it wonderful? It’s a mystery that you can’t get your head around and neither can I. And neither could those first Christians. They believed so deeply – so powerfully that it almost hurt inside. They believed that in some mysterious way, this man named Jesus whom they had seen and heard and eaten with, was actually God.
2: Is that why they started digging around in the writings of the ancient prophets, thinking that maybe those ancient people knew what was coming?
1: Exactly. And that’s our first reading. It’s from the prophet Isaiah. Chapter 7.
SLIGHT PAUSE
2: God will give you a sign.
1: Look, the young woman is with child and shall bear a son, and shall name him Immanuel, which means, “God is with us.” This son shall eat curds and honey by the time he knows how to refuse the evil and choose the good. Because, before the child knows how to refuse the evil and choose the good, the land before whose two kings you are in dread will be deserted.”
SLIGHT PAUSE
2: Isaiah was talking about the political situation in his own time – long before the time of Jesus.
1: But I guess the folks in the early Christian church looked for everything they could find to support their gut-level belief that Jesus had been God. Maybe they picked up on that name. Immanuel. God is with us. Because when Luke sat down to write his account of how Jesus was born, the early Christians had already developed a legend out of this passage.
2: But isn’t it a bit strange? I mean there’s poor Mary, she’s not married or anything, and suddenly an angel comes and tells her that God will make her pregnant. And she says, “OK. Sure. Whatever.”
1: That is not what she says. But this mysterious scene that Luke describes is the early church’s way of saying this man Jesus was more than just exceptional. This man Jesus was God.
2: OK. Let’s read!
SLIGHT PAUSE
1) In the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a town in Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin engaged to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. The virgin's name was Mary. Gabriel came and spoke to her.
2: "Greetings, favored one! The Lord is with you."
1:But Mary was much perplexed by the angel’s words and pondered what sort of greeting this might be.
2: "Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And now, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you will name him Jesus. He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Most High, and the Lord God will give to him the throne of his ancestor David. This child will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end."
1: "How can this be, since I am a virgin?"
2: "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the child to be born will be holy; he will be called Son of God. And here’s something to help you believe. Your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son; and this is the sixth month for her who was said to be barren. You see, nothing is impossible with God."
1: "Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word."
2: Then the angel departed from her.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Bulletin for those preparing for Advent 2009
Special Bulletin:
for those Rumors readers who are preparing worship services during the four Sundays of Advent.
We (Jim Taylor and I) plan to abandon the lectionary for this season. Yes, we know that’s both presumptuous and heretical. Also a little arrogant.
But here’s why.
It’s more important for people to hear the Christmas story than it is to be faithful to the lectionary. The Revised Common Lectionary is a useful tool and we will return to it. But in the Advent season it fails us.
In the churches Jim and I know anything about, attendance peaks during the four Sundays of Advent. That’s when the “almost committed” are there. This is our evangelistic opportunity. This is our one chance to talk to them about the one Christian story they know best. For many, the only Christian story they know.
Yes, the faithful core of worshippers will be there after Christmas, but even they don’t really understand why they shouldn’t sing carols and hear the Christmas story during what they think of as “the Christmas season.”
If people don’t hear the Christmas story in church, they will hear it only as told by Wal Mart and on TV. Reminds me of the couple who noticed a manger scene on the lawn of a church. “Look at that,” said one to the other. “Now even the churches are trying to horn-in on Christmas!”
So here’s a bit of advance notice about the readings we’ll be featuring during the four Sunday in Advent. In the “Reader’s Theatre” we will be using both the readings from Isaiah and from Luke.
Advent one:
Isaiah 7:14-16 “a young woman is with child and shall bear a son. . .”
Luke 1:26-38 “the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a town in Galilee . . .”
Advent two:
Isaiah 11:1-9 “A shoot shall come out from the stump of Jesse. . .”
Luke 1:39-45, 56 “Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the child leaped in her womb”
Luke 1:46-55 “My soul magnifies the Lord . . .” can be used in place of the psalm or included in the gospel reading.
Advent three:
Isaiah 9:6-7 “For a child has been born to us. . .”
Luke 2:1-7 “she gave birth to her first-born son. . .”
Advent four:
Isaiah 52:7-10 “how beautiful upon the mountains are the feet. . .”
You may decide to do Luke 2:1-7 again on this Sunday and then add. . .
Luke 2:8-21 “there were shepherds living in the fields. . .”
We hope this advance notice has been useful to you.
Ralph Milton
for those Rumors readers who are preparing worship services during the four Sundays of Advent.
We (Jim Taylor and I) plan to abandon the lectionary for this season. Yes, we know that’s both presumptuous and heretical. Also a little arrogant.
But here’s why.
It’s more important for people to hear the Christmas story than it is to be faithful to the lectionary. The Revised Common Lectionary is a useful tool and we will return to it. But in the Advent season it fails us.
In the churches Jim and I know anything about, attendance peaks during the four Sundays of Advent. That’s when the “almost committed” are there. This is our evangelistic opportunity. This is our one chance to talk to them about the one Christian story they know best. For many, the only Christian story they know.
Yes, the faithful core of worshippers will be there after Christmas, but even they don’t really understand why they shouldn’t sing carols and hear the Christmas story during what they think of as “the Christmas season.”
If people don’t hear the Christmas story in church, they will hear it only as told by Wal Mart and on TV. Reminds me of the couple who noticed a manger scene on the lawn of a church. “Look at that,” said one to the other. “Now even the churches are trying to horn-in on Christmas!”
So here’s a bit of advance notice about the readings we’ll be featuring during the four Sunday in Advent. In the “Reader’s Theatre” we will be using both the readings from Isaiah and from Luke.
Advent one:
Isaiah 7:14-16 “a young woman is with child and shall bear a son. . .”
Luke 1:26-38 “the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a town in Galilee . . .”
Advent two:
Isaiah 11:1-9 “A shoot shall come out from the stump of Jesse. . .”
Luke 1:39-45, 56 “Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the child leaped in her womb”
Luke 1:46-55 “My soul magnifies the Lord . . .” can be used in place of the psalm or included in the gospel reading.
Advent three:
Isaiah 9:6-7 “For a child has been born to us. . .”
Luke 2:1-7 “she gave birth to her first-born son. . .”
Advent four:
Isaiah 52:7-10 “how beautiful upon the mountains are the feet. . .”
You may decide to do Luke 2:1-7 again on this Sunday and then add. . .
Luke 2:8-21 “there were shepherds living in the fields. . .”
We hope this advance notice has been useful to you.
Ralph Milton
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Preaching Materials for November 22nd, 2009
R U M O R S #576
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-11-15
November 15, 2009
WHAT KIND OF A KING?
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.
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The Story – a different kind of king
Rumors – they might have seen themselves as brothers
Soft Edges – while women weep
Bloopers – stiff opposition
We Get Letters – fingers connected to the brain
Mirabile Dictu! – save the whales
Bottom of the Barrel – having a wife
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 18:33-38a
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. The children in the Kindergarten class seemed to be very intense as they drew a picture of how Eve was created.
Later in the week the mother of one of the kindergarten boys noticed him lying down as though he were ill.
“I have a pain in my side,” said the boy. “I think I’m going to have a wife.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, November 22nd, which is Reign of Christ Sunday, or Proper 29 (34). That’s the last Sunday of the Christian Year. The following Sunday is Advent 1. Fa la la la la, etc.
* 2 Samuel 23:1-7 or Daniel 7:9-10, 13-14
* Psalm 132:1-12, (13-18) or Psalm 93
* Revelation 1:4b-8
* John 18:33-37
2 Samuel 23:1-7 – “Famous last words” – a phrase that has entered our culture. I recall being in a guided meditation once, where the leader asked us to imagine that we were on our death bed with the most important people in our lives gathered around us. And we were to imagine what we would say to each of them. I remember thinking that I had the same words for all of them, namely, “I love you,” and “Live God’s dream for you.”
I can’t quite imagine David saying the carefully honed last words we read in this passage, but maybe he did. I’ve been at a number of dying bedsides, and in none of them has the dying person been in a position to say anything. Maybe we need to say our famous last words well before we’re on our death beds.
Maybe right now.
Psalm 132:1-12, (13-18)
Jim has paraphrased verses 11-18
11 When God makes a promise,
God does not break it.
So God said: "I have chosen to live with you.
I will live with your children, too.
12 If they continue faithful,
If they abide by our agreement,
Then their children too,
and their children's children,
will continue to enjoy my company forever."
13 God made a choice;
God wanted to be part of this people, this planet.
14 God said, "This is my home.
This is where I want to be life itself.
15 As long as I live here,
life on earth will be rich and abundant.
16 Those who do not vandalize my artistry,
all living things remain true to my vision,
I will be with, as close as their clothing.
17 I will not look to outsiders to solve the earth's problems;
The tree of life has its roots right here.
18 Those who conspire against life, I will ultimately destroy;
But those who choose life will shine like the sun."
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Revelation 1:4b-8 – I really don’t know what to do with a passage like this. It is wild and mystical, and might begin to offer its gift to me if I read it repeatedly during an hour or two of meditation. Otherwise, I would leave it alone. I certainly wouldn’t read it to a congregation in church.
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – John 18:33-37 plus my addition of 38 a.
Ralph says –
Most good pew sitters have no idea who Pilate is. Nor do they have in their heads the incidents that lead up to this scene. I’ve written the Readers Theatre with that in mind.
I’ve added the first half of verse 38, which adds the question that reverberates through our world. “What is truth?” I can’t imagine why that was left out of this reading, unless the lectionary makers were thinking, “That opens another can of worms.” Which is true. But it’s a can of worms we dare not run away from.
That can of worms is the heart of this confrontation between Jesus, the penniless, wandering, story-telling, imaginative Jew, and Pilate, the hard-nosed, logical, practical, no-nonsense Roman functionary.
If you ask, who is right, Pilate or Jesus, I’d have to say, both of them.
If you ask, who is wrong, my answer would be the same. Both of them.
This utterly amazing creation that God has fashioned, the human, can think on both the logical and the poetic plane. And the truly healthy human can do both as the need arises – often at the same time.
This last summer, a scientific neurologist used the finest technology available to discover what was happening inside my brain. That same scientist is also a caring, loving human who knew why it was so important to do that, and understood what it meant in my life.
Jim says –
We just had royalty visiting Canada – Prince Charles, heir to the British throne, with his wife Camilla. Pontius Pilate would have freaked out. Herod would have been appalled. There were no burly bodyguards, no mounted storm troopers, not a handgun in sight.
Kings are supposed to live in impregnable fortresses. To send out heavily armed platoons to impose their will on an unwilling populace. Not to glad-hand adoring fans like a politician at a barbecue.
This is “Reign of Christ” Sunday – “Christ the King” Sunday in more traditional terms. But the people who wrote the Bible wouldn’t recognize today’s kings. What good is a king, Pilate would have asked, who owns no land, who can’t raise an army to defend himself, who doesn’t extort taxes, who refuses to force people to do things his way...
“My kingdom is not of this world,” Jesus replied.
Tragically, 20 centuries later, we still tend to think of Jesus’ reign in biblical terms. “When Christ returns,” insisted a man in one of my Bible study groups, “he will use his power to destroy evil.”
But that wasn’t what Jesus said: “I came into the world to testify to the truth...”
It’s a hard lesson for us to learn. We’re not called to sit beside the throne, dispensing orders and issuing commands from on high. We’re called to tell the truth, and to be the truth.
A kin-dom where truth reigns paramount still escapes our comprehension.
For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 229 where you’ll find a story based on the Revelation passage. It’s called, “John’s Wonderful Dream.” It’s really based more on the whole book of Revelation than this particular passage.
There’s still time to get this three-volume set for your favourite clergy person (including yourself if that applies) or your favourite Christian Education leader.
Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – The story of Pontius Pilate…
As told by his wife, Claudia.
"...they might have seen themselves as brothers."
I wonder sometimes, if they might have been friends. If they had met in some other circumstances, I think my husband and Jesus might have liked each other.
They were about the same age. Both of them passionate, committed, opinionated. Bullheaded sometimes. And intelligent too, I think. Except they thought so differently.
Jesus was a Jew. Pilate was a Roman. And Pilate never understood the Jews, and that drove him almost to distraction. "You can't get a clear answer out of them about anything," he would fume. "Ask them a straight, logical question and they tell you a story, for gawd sake!"
Pilate wanted so badly to make a success of governing the Judeans. He knew perfectly well he would never have gotten the appointment as Governor if he hadn't been married to me, granddaughter of the Emperor Augustus. And even so, Judea wasn't exactly a plum of an appointment, insofar as these diplomatic posts go. But Pilate hoped that if he did this well, his next appointment would be to something he and I would both be proud of. Something a little closer to Rome, we hoped.
But things got off to a bad start as soon as we arrived in Judea. Pilate had a showdown with the Jewish leaders over whether Caesar's image could be displayed in the temple area. It was a dumb thing to fight about and Pilate knew it. "But I've got to show them I am strong and resolute, Claudia, "he said to me. "If I show just a hint of weakness, if I back down even an inch, that snake of a high priest, Caiaphas, will take every slight advantage that I give him."
The showdown came when 7,000 Jewish men kneeled down in the market place, bared their necks, and dared Pilate to massacre them. Pilot folded. I don't think he ever really recovered.
Judea was a 'no-win' situation for him. The bureaucrats in Rome just read the bottom line. Did he collect his quota in taxes? Did he avoid any embarrassments? If the answer was "yes" to those questions, you stayed on and maybe eventually got promoted to a better posting. If "no" you were recalled to Rome and sent to shuffle papers in an office somewhere. But Judea was so much more complicated than that.
Pilate tried. My gawd he tried. He read that blessed policy manual every night and memorized every procedure. But of course the manual procedures never fit reality. "Who wrote this stuff anyway," he fumed. "I bet they've never been outside of Rome. They sure as hell have never been out here in Judea." And then he would throw the scroll in the corner and read the philosophy he loved so well–philosophy that seemed so clean and rational to him, and so unlike reality around him in Judea.
And then the Jesus business broke. It was a recipe for disaster. Pilate couldn't win this one and I knew it. I even had dreams about it. "Get this man Jesus out of your life, Pilate," I said. "no matter what you do, you'll lose,"
"I'll do what's appropriate and necessary, Claudia," Pilate said in his official voice, which meant that he was frightened. "I will interview the prisoner and judge him according to our Roman justice. He will be treated fairly."
"I know that Pilate, but that's not the game here."
"I'll decide what the game is, Claudia!" he said. And there the conversation ended.
They brought the prisoner up to the Prætorium. Pilate met them outside, a gesture of good will, so the Judean leaders wouldn't need to contaminate themselves, or whatever terrible thing is supposed to happen when they set foot inside a Roman building. He interviewed Jesus there in front of them.
"Look," he finally said. "the guy is just a little crazy, and yes, a bit of a trouble-maker. But he hasn't done anything to deserve execution. I mean, I can't have him killed just because you people don't like him. What I'll do is have him flogged. That'll straighten him out."
Well, you should have heard the hullabaloo. "We want him dead!" they yelled. "We want him crucified!"
Listen. Pilate has integrity. He's shown that before and he showed it now. He wasn't about to execute a man unless a crime had been committed, and blasphemy against the Hebrew God was no crime in Roman eyes. But Pilate was no fool either. He knew that Caiaphas had his ways of getting messages to Rome.
What followed was a mish-mash of political maneuvering and charges and counter charges. I don't quite know what happened. I was in bed for most of it, fighting off a migraine.
But I'll not soon forget what happened when Pilate dragged this Jesus up into our quarters so he could talk with him, away from all the yelling and screaming outside. That was when it struck me how alike they were, and yet how different. Two men of talent and integrity speaking to each across such vastly different realities.
In spite of all the pressure, Pilate still wanted to do the right thing. "Look," he said to Jesus. "Give me a reason, give me something that'll satisfy that mob–something I can put in my report to Rome so I don't have to have you killed." Jesus looked right back at Pilate–looked at–through him. But he said nothing.
Pilate lost his cool. "Look, I have the power of life and death over you. I can send you out to be torn apart by that mob, or I can save your hide."
"You have no real power over me," said Jesus. "No power that really counts. You and I are caught in this evil drama. You have your role to play and I have mine.
"All right," said Pilate. "What is your role except to satisfy the blood-lust of that mob?"
"I am called to live the truth," said Jesus.
"What is truth?" Pilate asked quietly, almost cynically. Jesus looked at him intently. And yes, compassionately. But he said nothing.
"Look, I asked you a question. What is truth?" Pilate lost his cool again. He paced around the room and banged his fist against the wall. But both men knew, I think, that Jesus could not reply in any way that Pilate could comprehend. Nor would Jesus have understood had Pilate defined truth for him.
The conversation stopped. There was nothing else to say. Jesus would die. And Pilate knew he'd spend the rest of his life rehearsing that conversation. "Why couldn't he just explain to me, logically and rationally what he was up to?" Pilate asked that question over and over. "Those Jews. You ask them a question, and they sing you a song or tell you a story."
I too have rehearsed that conversation. I am back in Rome now, by myself. Pilate has been banished from the capitol, not because of what he did to Jesus but another diplomatic fiasco in Judea. Pilate did not understand the Jews.
And yet I wonder. If Pilate and this Jesus had met some other way, perhaps they would have learned to like each other – if they had a chance to really talk, without the pressure. Pilate, the logical philosopher might have discovered the poetic dreamer deep inside himself. And Jesus the poetic dreamer, might have shown to Pilate the philosophy on which his dream was built.
There would have been respect at least. And just perhaps they might have seen themselves as brothers.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
While Women Weep
I watched another coffin coming back from Afghanistan. Cameras showed grim-faced soldiers carrying the coffin in a slow march. The soldier’s widow, dressed in black, walked behind, weeping.
Eight years ago, for Remembrance Day 2001, I wrote a column that bears repeating. Here it is:
Remembrance Day began to honor those who died in World War I – which officially ended, as speakers love to remind us, on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month. Remembrance Day has since been expanded to include the dead of World War II, the Korean War, the Vietnam War, two Gulf Wars...
And here we are in the middle of another war, launched on another eleventh – the eleventh of September, exactly two months before Remembrance Day – when two airliners smashed into the twin towers of the World Trade Center in New York.
Television showed us pictures, endlessly, of what happens when a plane crashes into a building. The mushroom of fire. The smoke. The collapse. The dust. People screaming, running...
And pictures of women weeping.
I can't help noticing that the 19 suicidal fanatics who hijacked and crashed those planes were all men. That all of the people who stood at microphones to make official statements were men.
While the women wept.
I don't know what proportion of the pilots who have dropped bombs and fired missiles at targets in Afghanistan were men. Or what proportion of the special combat troops now fighting on the ground in Afghanistan are men.
But I can see that those who issued the commands were all men. Some stand in front of the cameras wearing dark suits, white shirts, shiny neckties. Others wear uniforms, either combat camouflage or full-dress with rows of ribbons prominently displayed.
For sure the leaders of the Taliban, and of the Al-Qaida network, are all men, because in their minds women do not exist. Women have no rights – to education, to freedom, and certainly not to express their opinions or vote. In their scheme of things, women matter only as the property of men.
But in the squalid refugee camps, without food or water or sanitation, the women huddle under makeshift tents and try to comfort children with runny noses and bleary eyes. And women scavenge for twigs to burn, and scraps to eat.
And the women weep.
I can't help remembering that it was men who conspired to arrest Jesus. Men tried him, beat him, and drove nails through his wrists. Men guarded him as he died.
While the women stood watching, and weeping. Those same women went to the tomb that Easter morning to provide one last act of love for their vanished friend. And they stood at the tomb and wept.
Men are afraid of weeping. We stifle our tears. We toughen ourselves. We refuse to let soft-heartedness get in the way of getting things done.
Things like going to war.
Perhaps our world might be a little less ruthless if we got fewer things done. And if we did a little more weeping over fractured relationships
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Randy (he didn’t give his last name) of Hiawatha, Kansas writes: “The children here are learning a new song for Advent.
One young mother called the church to verify the words her daughter was reciting. ‘Get ready. Get ready. Xavier is coming’.”
Lois Carey of North Bay, Ontario writes: “The local paper yesterday was advertising church teas. One item stated, about a local United Church, that the Untied Church Women would be having a bazaar and tea.
This from Velia Watts of Edmonton, Alberta who got it from Michael Kerr. It was a newspaper headline.
“Stiff Opposition Expected in Casket-less Funeral Plan”
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
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Wish I’d Said That! – Honk if you love Jesus. “Text” while driving if you’d like to meet him soon.
from a bumper sticker via M & B Zettler
Personally, I think humans are not intelligent enough to define intelligence.
Laurel Hyatt via Jim Taylor
It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.
Voltaire
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We Get Letters – I know I should try harder to get it all right, but it’s such a bore and I would rather spend my time doing almost anything rather than checking all my facts. But it seems that last week I had “Capitol Hill” referring to Ottawa rather than Washington. I am trying really hard to feel repentant.
In another place, I used the word “tract” when I obviously meant “track.” My fingers are only partially connected to my brain and they have a way of typing things I don’t really intend.
Bob Buchanan writes: “Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person.
"However, if you're over 65," he said, "the price will be only $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only fifty cents?"
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “save the whales!”)
These Biblical bumper stickers from Evelyn McLachlan.
* Jonah: Save the Whales
* The Israelites: Honk If You Love Moses
* Elijah: My Other Chariot Rolls
* Goliath: Support the Ban on Slingshots
* Lot: If You Can’t See Sodom, You’re Too Close
* Methuselah: Be Kind to Senior Citizens
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Bottom of the Barrel – David Evans of The Glades, New Brunswick sends along a story that has one of those endings you can change and apply to your own situation. David’s version applies to the National Hockey League. If you’re Canadian, you could apply it to the Grey Cup that will be played before a batch of frozen fans well protected by their favorite anti-freeze in Calgary.
A man is met at the pearly gates by St Peter and told he has a choice to make. He is one of the rare individuals who can choose, after death, whether he will go to heaven or hell.
He is told to go check the other place out. Over against the wall is an elevator with only two buttons. Push the down button and upon arrival the door would automatically open and he could observe the life style in hell.
He was cautioned however not to exit the elevator for if he did he would be unable to return.
The man entered the elevator, pushed the down button and shortly the doors opened. He looked around in amazement at what greeted his eyes and, strictly following instructions stayed in the elevator. Shortly he pushed the up button and returned to speak to St. Peter.
“Well what did you think?”
“It’s not what I expected,” the man answered.
“What did you expect?”
Well I sort of expected fire and brimstone, wailing and gnashing of teeth, a lake of fire, stuff like that.”
“Of course.” said St. Peter, “What did you see?”
“I saw snow. I saw ice. I saw a blizzard like I have never seen before, and I’m from the east coast, I know blizzards!”
“Oh darn!” said Peter. “The Leafs are going to win the Stanley Cup!!”
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 18:33-37 +38a
Reader 1: In our reading this week, we have a kind of dialogue between Jesus and somebody named Pilate. But who is this Pilate? I’ve never heard of him before. How does he fit into the story?
Reader 2: Today’s reading would fit more easily just before Easter. The lectionary puts it here because today is “Christ the King” Sunday.
1: (SARCASTIALLY) Oh, Jesus is the King, the way they talk about Elvis Presley or Michael Jackson being “the king.”
2: I know you’re joking, but it’s really not that far off. Presley and Jackson fans mean that these musicians were absolutely the best musicians ever. It has nothing to do with crowns and thrones and being boss of the whole country. It means they are devoted fans. When we talk about Christ as the King, it’s a little like that. It means we are Christ’s devoted followers and we are ready to do what he calls us to do, because we love him. Not because he can chop off our heads.
1: OK, but I asked you who this Pilate character is. Does he fly an airplane?
2: Oh, cumon! It’s Pi-LATE, not Pi-LOT.
1: But who was he?
2: It happens just before Jesus is crucified. Jesus has managed to get himself in trouble with the authorities in the Hebrew Temple, and he has been saying things about the Romans rulers – the military people who had conquered the country and were ruling it. Some of his teachings amounted to the crime of sedition – of trying to undermine Roman authority.
1: Such as?
2: Saying that he was chosen by God to bring the people freedom and fulfillment.
Anyway, the temple authorities arrested Jesus in the middle of the night and dragged him to Pilate’s place. Pilate was the governor appointed by Caesar in Rome. The Temple leaders didn’t have the authority to sentence someone to death, but Pilate did.
1: Finally, we find out who he is. It took you long enough.
2: But we haven’t quite got to the setting for our reading. The temple authorities drag Jesus in front of Pilate and accuse him of sedition. They want Pilate to have him killed. But Pilate isn’t quite satisfied by what the Temple authorities say, so he takes Jesus inside so he can have a one-on-one conversation with him.
1: Was there someone keeping a record of what was said? I mean, how did the writer of John know what went on behind closed doors.
2: He didn’t know. This whole story is written years later, and this is the dialogue the writer of John imagines went on in Pilate’s office.
1: So then. Let’s read the scripture. From the gospel of John, chapter 18.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
Then Pilate entered his headquarters, summoned Jesus, and asked him, "Are you the King of the Jews?"2: "Do you ask this on your own, or did others tell you about me?"1: (SLGHTLY ANNOYED) "I am not a Jew, am I? Your own nation and the chief priests have handed you over to me. What have you done?"2: "My kingdom is not from this world. If my kingdom were from this world, my followers would be fighting to keep me from being handed over to the Jews. But as it is, my kingdom is not from here."1:"So you are a king?"
2: "YOU say that I am a king. For this I was born, and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth. Everyone who belongs to the truth listens to my voice."
1: (SLOWLY AND WITH DEEP PASSION) "What is truth?
(STAY IN YOUR PLACE FOR A FEW MOMENTS TO LET THAT QUESTION SINK IN, THEN RETURN TO YOUR SEATS.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-11-15
November 15, 2009
WHAT KIND OF A KING?
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.
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The Story – a different kind of king
Rumors – they might have seen themselves as brothers
Soft Edges – while women weep
Bloopers – stiff opposition
We Get Letters – fingers connected to the brain
Mirabile Dictu! – save the whales
Bottom of the Barrel – having a wife
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 18:33-38a
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. The children in the Kindergarten class seemed to be very intense as they drew a picture of how Eve was created.
Later in the week the mother of one of the kindergarten boys noticed him lying down as though he were ill.
“I have a pain in my side,” said the boy. “I think I’m going to have a wife.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, November 22nd, which is Reign of Christ Sunday, or Proper 29 (34). That’s the last Sunday of the Christian Year. The following Sunday is Advent 1. Fa la la la la, etc.
* 2 Samuel 23:1-7 or Daniel 7:9-10, 13-14
* Psalm 132:1-12, (13-18) or Psalm 93
* Revelation 1:4b-8
* John 18:33-37
2 Samuel 23:1-7 – “Famous last words” – a phrase that has entered our culture. I recall being in a guided meditation once, where the leader asked us to imagine that we were on our death bed with the most important people in our lives gathered around us. And we were to imagine what we would say to each of them. I remember thinking that I had the same words for all of them, namely, “I love you,” and “Live God’s dream for you.”
I can’t quite imagine David saying the carefully honed last words we read in this passage, but maybe he did. I’ve been at a number of dying bedsides, and in none of them has the dying person been in a position to say anything. Maybe we need to say our famous last words well before we’re on our death beds.
Maybe right now.
Psalm 132:1-12, (13-18)
Jim has paraphrased verses 11-18
11 When God makes a promise,
God does not break it.
So God said: "I have chosen to live with you.
I will live with your children, too.
12 If they continue faithful,
If they abide by our agreement,
Then their children too,
and their children's children,
will continue to enjoy my company forever."
13 God made a choice;
God wanted to be part of this people, this planet.
14 God said, "This is my home.
This is where I want to be life itself.
15 As long as I live here,
life on earth will be rich and abundant.
16 Those who do not vandalize my artistry,
all living things remain true to my vision,
I will be with, as close as their clothing.
17 I will not look to outsiders to solve the earth's problems;
The tree of life has its roots right here.
18 Those who conspire against life, I will ultimately destroy;
But those who choose life will shine like the sun."
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Revelation 1:4b-8 – I really don’t know what to do with a passage like this. It is wild and mystical, and might begin to offer its gift to me if I read it repeatedly during an hour or two of meditation. Otherwise, I would leave it alone. I certainly wouldn’t read it to a congregation in church.
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – John 18:33-37 plus my addition of 38 a.
Ralph says –
Most good pew sitters have no idea who Pilate is. Nor do they have in their heads the incidents that lead up to this scene. I’ve written the Readers Theatre with that in mind.
I’ve added the first half of verse 38, which adds the question that reverberates through our world. “What is truth?” I can’t imagine why that was left out of this reading, unless the lectionary makers were thinking, “That opens another can of worms.” Which is true. But it’s a can of worms we dare not run away from.
That can of worms is the heart of this confrontation between Jesus, the penniless, wandering, story-telling, imaginative Jew, and Pilate, the hard-nosed, logical, practical, no-nonsense Roman functionary.
If you ask, who is right, Pilate or Jesus, I’d have to say, both of them.
If you ask, who is wrong, my answer would be the same. Both of them.
This utterly amazing creation that God has fashioned, the human, can think on both the logical and the poetic plane. And the truly healthy human can do both as the need arises – often at the same time.
This last summer, a scientific neurologist used the finest technology available to discover what was happening inside my brain. That same scientist is also a caring, loving human who knew why it was so important to do that, and understood what it meant in my life.
Jim says –
We just had royalty visiting Canada – Prince Charles, heir to the British throne, with his wife Camilla. Pontius Pilate would have freaked out. Herod would have been appalled. There were no burly bodyguards, no mounted storm troopers, not a handgun in sight.
Kings are supposed to live in impregnable fortresses. To send out heavily armed platoons to impose their will on an unwilling populace. Not to glad-hand adoring fans like a politician at a barbecue.
This is “Reign of Christ” Sunday – “Christ the King” Sunday in more traditional terms. But the people who wrote the Bible wouldn’t recognize today’s kings. What good is a king, Pilate would have asked, who owns no land, who can’t raise an army to defend himself, who doesn’t extort taxes, who refuses to force people to do things his way...
“My kingdom is not of this world,” Jesus replied.
Tragically, 20 centuries later, we still tend to think of Jesus’ reign in biblical terms. “When Christ returns,” insisted a man in one of my Bible study groups, “he will use his power to destroy evil.”
But that wasn’t what Jesus said: “I came into the world to testify to the truth...”
It’s a hard lesson for us to learn. We’re not called to sit beside the throne, dispensing orders and issuing commands from on high. We’re called to tell the truth, and to be the truth.
A kin-dom where truth reigns paramount still escapes our comprehension.
For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 229 where you’ll find a story based on the Revelation passage. It’s called, “John’s Wonderful Dream.” It’s really based more on the whole book of Revelation than this particular passage.
There’s still time to get this three-volume set for your favourite clergy person (including yourself if that applies) or your favourite Christian Education leader.
Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – The story of Pontius Pilate…
As told by his wife, Claudia.
"...they might have seen themselves as brothers."
I wonder sometimes, if they might have been friends. If they had met in some other circumstances, I think my husband and Jesus might have liked each other.
They were about the same age. Both of them passionate, committed, opinionated. Bullheaded sometimes. And intelligent too, I think. Except they thought so differently.
Jesus was a Jew. Pilate was a Roman. And Pilate never understood the Jews, and that drove him almost to distraction. "You can't get a clear answer out of them about anything," he would fume. "Ask them a straight, logical question and they tell you a story, for gawd sake!"
Pilate wanted so badly to make a success of governing the Judeans. He knew perfectly well he would never have gotten the appointment as Governor if he hadn't been married to me, granddaughter of the Emperor Augustus. And even so, Judea wasn't exactly a plum of an appointment, insofar as these diplomatic posts go. But Pilate hoped that if he did this well, his next appointment would be to something he and I would both be proud of. Something a little closer to Rome, we hoped.
But things got off to a bad start as soon as we arrived in Judea. Pilate had a showdown with the Jewish leaders over whether Caesar's image could be displayed in the temple area. It was a dumb thing to fight about and Pilate knew it. "But I've got to show them I am strong and resolute, Claudia, "he said to me. "If I show just a hint of weakness, if I back down even an inch, that snake of a high priest, Caiaphas, will take every slight advantage that I give him."
The showdown came when 7,000 Jewish men kneeled down in the market place, bared their necks, and dared Pilate to massacre them. Pilot folded. I don't think he ever really recovered.
Judea was a 'no-win' situation for him. The bureaucrats in Rome just read the bottom line. Did he collect his quota in taxes? Did he avoid any embarrassments? If the answer was "yes" to those questions, you stayed on and maybe eventually got promoted to a better posting. If "no" you were recalled to Rome and sent to shuffle papers in an office somewhere. But Judea was so much more complicated than that.
Pilate tried. My gawd he tried. He read that blessed policy manual every night and memorized every procedure. But of course the manual procedures never fit reality. "Who wrote this stuff anyway," he fumed. "I bet they've never been outside of Rome. They sure as hell have never been out here in Judea." And then he would throw the scroll in the corner and read the philosophy he loved so well–philosophy that seemed so clean and rational to him, and so unlike reality around him in Judea.
And then the Jesus business broke. It was a recipe for disaster. Pilate couldn't win this one and I knew it. I even had dreams about it. "Get this man Jesus out of your life, Pilate," I said. "no matter what you do, you'll lose,"
"I'll do what's appropriate and necessary, Claudia," Pilate said in his official voice, which meant that he was frightened. "I will interview the prisoner and judge him according to our Roman justice. He will be treated fairly."
"I know that Pilate, but that's not the game here."
"I'll decide what the game is, Claudia!" he said. And there the conversation ended.
They brought the prisoner up to the Prætorium. Pilate met them outside, a gesture of good will, so the Judean leaders wouldn't need to contaminate themselves, or whatever terrible thing is supposed to happen when they set foot inside a Roman building. He interviewed Jesus there in front of them.
"Look," he finally said. "the guy is just a little crazy, and yes, a bit of a trouble-maker. But he hasn't done anything to deserve execution. I mean, I can't have him killed just because you people don't like him. What I'll do is have him flogged. That'll straighten him out."
Well, you should have heard the hullabaloo. "We want him dead!" they yelled. "We want him crucified!"
Listen. Pilate has integrity. He's shown that before and he showed it now. He wasn't about to execute a man unless a crime had been committed, and blasphemy against the Hebrew God was no crime in Roman eyes. But Pilate was no fool either. He knew that Caiaphas had his ways of getting messages to Rome.
What followed was a mish-mash of political maneuvering and charges and counter charges. I don't quite know what happened. I was in bed for most of it, fighting off a migraine.
But I'll not soon forget what happened when Pilate dragged this Jesus up into our quarters so he could talk with him, away from all the yelling and screaming outside. That was when it struck me how alike they were, and yet how different. Two men of talent and integrity speaking to each across such vastly different realities.
In spite of all the pressure, Pilate still wanted to do the right thing. "Look," he said to Jesus. "Give me a reason, give me something that'll satisfy that mob–something I can put in my report to Rome so I don't have to have you killed." Jesus looked right back at Pilate–looked at–through him. But he said nothing.
Pilate lost his cool. "Look, I have the power of life and death over you. I can send you out to be torn apart by that mob, or I can save your hide."
"You have no real power over me," said Jesus. "No power that really counts. You and I are caught in this evil drama. You have your role to play and I have mine.
"All right," said Pilate. "What is your role except to satisfy the blood-lust of that mob?"
"I am called to live the truth," said Jesus.
"What is truth?" Pilate asked quietly, almost cynically. Jesus looked at him intently. And yes, compassionately. But he said nothing.
"Look, I asked you a question. What is truth?" Pilate lost his cool again. He paced around the room and banged his fist against the wall. But both men knew, I think, that Jesus could not reply in any way that Pilate could comprehend. Nor would Jesus have understood had Pilate defined truth for him.
The conversation stopped. There was nothing else to say. Jesus would die. And Pilate knew he'd spend the rest of his life rehearsing that conversation. "Why couldn't he just explain to me, logically and rationally what he was up to?" Pilate asked that question over and over. "Those Jews. You ask them a question, and they sing you a song or tell you a story."
I too have rehearsed that conversation. I am back in Rome now, by myself. Pilate has been banished from the capitol, not because of what he did to Jesus but another diplomatic fiasco in Judea. Pilate did not understand the Jews.
And yet I wonder. If Pilate and this Jesus had met some other way, perhaps they would have learned to like each other – if they had a chance to really talk, without the pressure. Pilate, the logical philosopher might have discovered the poetic dreamer deep inside himself. And Jesus the poetic dreamer, might have shown to Pilate the philosophy on which his dream was built.
There would have been respect at least. And just perhaps they might have seen themselves as brothers.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
While Women Weep
I watched another coffin coming back from Afghanistan. Cameras showed grim-faced soldiers carrying the coffin in a slow march. The soldier’s widow, dressed in black, walked behind, weeping.
Eight years ago, for Remembrance Day 2001, I wrote a column that bears repeating. Here it is:
Remembrance Day began to honor those who died in World War I – which officially ended, as speakers love to remind us, on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month. Remembrance Day has since been expanded to include the dead of World War II, the Korean War, the Vietnam War, two Gulf Wars...
And here we are in the middle of another war, launched on another eleventh – the eleventh of September, exactly two months before Remembrance Day – when two airliners smashed into the twin towers of the World Trade Center in New York.
Television showed us pictures, endlessly, of what happens when a plane crashes into a building. The mushroom of fire. The smoke. The collapse. The dust. People screaming, running...
And pictures of women weeping.
I can't help noticing that the 19 suicidal fanatics who hijacked and crashed those planes were all men. That all of the people who stood at microphones to make official statements were men.
While the women wept.
I don't know what proportion of the pilots who have dropped bombs and fired missiles at targets in Afghanistan were men. Or what proportion of the special combat troops now fighting on the ground in Afghanistan are men.
But I can see that those who issued the commands were all men. Some stand in front of the cameras wearing dark suits, white shirts, shiny neckties. Others wear uniforms, either combat camouflage or full-dress with rows of ribbons prominently displayed.
For sure the leaders of the Taliban, and of the Al-Qaida network, are all men, because in their minds women do not exist. Women have no rights – to education, to freedom, and certainly not to express their opinions or vote. In their scheme of things, women matter only as the property of men.
But in the squalid refugee camps, without food or water or sanitation, the women huddle under makeshift tents and try to comfort children with runny noses and bleary eyes. And women scavenge for twigs to burn, and scraps to eat.
And the women weep.
I can't help remembering that it was men who conspired to arrest Jesus. Men tried him, beat him, and drove nails through his wrists. Men guarded him as he died.
While the women stood watching, and weeping. Those same women went to the tomb that Easter morning to provide one last act of love for their vanished friend. And they stood at the tomb and wept.
Men are afraid of weeping. We stifle our tears. We toughen ourselves. We refuse to let soft-heartedness get in the way of getting things done.
Things like going to war.
Perhaps our world might be a little less ruthless if we got fewer things done. And if we did a little more weeping over fractured relationships
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Randy (he didn’t give his last name) of Hiawatha, Kansas writes: “The children here are learning a new song for Advent.
One young mother called the church to verify the words her daughter was reciting. ‘Get ready. Get ready. Xavier is coming’.”
Lois Carey of North Bay, Ontario writes: “The local paper yesterday was advertising church teas. One item stated, about a local United Church, that the Untied Church Women would be having a bazaar and tea.
This from Velia Watts of Edmonton, Alberta who got it from Michael Kerr. It was a newspaper headline.
“Stiff Opposition Expected in Casket-less Funeral Plan”
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
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Wish I’d Said That! – Honk if you love Jesus. “Text” while driving if you’d like to meet him soon.
from a bumper sticker via M & B Zettler
Personally, I think humans are not intelligent enough to define intelligence.
Laurel Hyatt via Jim Taylor
It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.
Voltaire
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We Get Letters – I know I should try harder to get it all right, but it’s such a bore and I would rather spend my time doing almost anything rather than checking all my facts. But it seems that last week I had “Capitol Hill” referring to Ottawa rather than Washington. I am trying really hard to feel repentant.
In another place, I used the word “tract” when I obviously meant “track.” My fingers are only partially connected to my brain and they have a way of typing things I don’t really intend.
Bob Buchanan writes: “Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person.
"However, if you're over 65," he said, "the price will be only $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only fifty cents?"
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “save the whales!”)
These Biblical bumper stickers from Evelyn McLachlan.
* Jonah: Save the Whales
* The Israelites: Honk If You Love Moses
* Elijah: My Other Chariot Rolls
* Goliath: Support the Ban on Slingshots
* Lot: If You Can’t See Sodom, You’re Too Close
* Methuselah: Be Kind to Senior Citizens
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Bottom of the Barrel – David Evans of The Glades, New Brunswick sends along a story that has one of those endings you can change and apply to your own situation. David’s version applies to the National Hockey League. If you’re Canadian, you could apply it to the Grey Cup that will be played before a batch of frozen fans well protected by their favorite anti-freeze in Calgary.
A man is met at the pearly gates by St Peter and told he has a choice to make. He is one of the rare individuals who can choose, after death, whether he will go to heaven or hell.
He is told to go check the other place out. Over against the wall is an elevator with only two buttons. Push the down button and upon arrival the door would automatically open and he could observe the life style in hell.
He was cautioned however not to exit the elevator for if he did he would be unable to return.
The man entered the elevator, pushed the down button and shortly the doors opened. He looked around in amazement at what greeted his eyes and, strictly following instructions stayed in the elevator. Shortly he pushed the up button and returned to speak to St. Peter.
“Well what did you think?”
“It’s not what I expected,” the man answered.
“What did you expect?”
Well I sort of expected fire and brimstone, wailing and gnashing of teeth, a lake of fire, stuff like that.”
“Of course.” said St. Peter, “What did you see?”
“I saw snow. I saw ice. I saw a blizzard like I have never seen before, and I’m from the east coast, I know blizzards!”
“Oh darn!” said Peter. “The Leafs are going to win the Stanley Cup!!”
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 18:33-37 +38a
Reader 1: In our reading this week, we have a kind of dialogue between Jesus and somebody named Pilate. But who is this Pilate? I’ve never heard of him before. How does he fit into the story?
Reader 2: Today’s reading would fit more easily just before Easter. The lectionary puts it here because today is “Christ the King” Sunday.
1: (SARCASTIALLY) Oh, Jesus is the King, the way they talk about Elvis Presley or Michael Jackson being “the king.”
2: I know you’re joking, but it’s really not that far off. Presley and Jackson fans mean that these musicians were absolutely the best musicians ever. It has nothing to do with crowns and thrones and being boss of the whole country. It means they are devoted fans. When we talk about Christ as the King, it’s a little like that. It means we are Christ’s devoted followers and we are ready to do what he calls us to do, because we love him. Not because he can chop off our heads.
1: OK, but I asked you who this Pilate character is. Does he fly an airplane?
2: Oh, cumon! It’s Pi-LATE, not Pi-LOT.
1: But who was he?
2: It happens just before Jesus is crucified. Jesus has managed to get himself in trouble with the authorities in the Hebrew Temple, and he has been saying things about the Romans rulers – the military people who had conquered the country and were ruling it. Some of his teachings amounted to the crime of sedition – of trying to undermine Roman authority.
1: Such as?
2: Saying that he was chosen by God to bring the people freedom and fulfillment.
Anyway, the temple authorities arrested Jesus in the middle of the night and dragged him to Pilate’s place. Pilate was the governor appointed by Caesar in Rome. The Temple leaders didn’t have the authority to sentence someone to death, but Pilate did.
1: Finally, we find out who he is. It took you long enough.
2: But we haven’t quite got to the setting for our reading. The temple authorities drag Jesus in front of Pilate and accuse him of sedition. They want Pilate to have him killed. But Pilate isn’t quite satisfied by what the Temple authorities say, so he takes Jesus inside so he can have a one-on-one conversation with him.
1: Was there someone keeping a record of what was said? I mean, how did the writer of John know what went on behind closed doors.
2: He didn’t know. This whole story is written years later, and this is the dialogue the writer of John imagines went on in Pilate’s office.
1: So then. Let’s read the scripture. From the gospel of John, chapter 18.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
Then Pilate entered his headquarters, summoned Jesus, and asked him, "Are you the King of the Jews?"2: "Do you ask this on your own, or did others tell you about me?"1: (SLGHTLY ANNOYED) "I am not a Jew, am I? Your own nation and the chief priests have handed you over to me. What have you done?"2: "My kingdom is not from this world. If my kingdom were from this world, my followers would be fighting to keep me from being handed over to the Jews. But as it is, my kingdom is not from here."1:"So you are a king?"
2: "YOU say that I am a king. For this I was born, and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth. Everyone who belongs to the truth listens to my voice."
1: (SLOWLY AND WITH DEEP PASSION) "What is truth?
(STAY IN YOUR PLACE FOR A FEW MOMENTS TO LET THAT QUESTION SINK IN, THEN RETURN TO YOUR SEATS.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Preaching Materials for November 15, 2009
R U M O R S # 575
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-11-08
November 11, 2009
THE CALL OF SAMUEL
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.
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The Story – a fractured story
Rumors – scriptural illiteracy
Soft Edges –
Good Stuff – the difference between heaven and hell
Bloopers – when God is scared
We Get Letters – an apology
Mirabile Dictu! – round is a shape
Bottom of the Barrel – the spirit is willing
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – selected portions from 1 Samuel
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – The garment buyer of a large department store was in Korea on a buying mission.
All interested sellers and manufacturers had gathered and gave a banquet at which the buyer was the honored guest. He was asked to give a speech which, of course, had to be translated.
In the course of the speech he told a long complicated funny story with some complex puns. After which he alone laughed and then he waited for the translation.
The translator spoke two sentences and the audience erupted in gales of laughter with clapping, foot stomping, and even cheering.
The buyer was gratified but puzzled. Finally, after a bit of arm twisting, someone told him what the translator had said. “Fat man with big chequebook told funny story. Do what you think appropriate.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, November 15th which is Proper 28 (33).
* 1 Samuel 1:4-20 or Daniel 12:1-3
* 1 Samuel 2:1-10 or Psalm 16
* Hebrews 10:11-14, (15-18), 19-25
* Mark 13:1-8
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – 1 Samuel 1:4-20. Plus 1 Samuel 3:1-18.
Ralph says –
Talk about disconnected lections! Our Hebrew scripture reading gives us the opening scene of the story of Hannah and Samuel. The tender little scene of Hannah bringing a robe to her child (1 Samuel 2:18-20) happens on Christmas, Year C. We hear the story of God calling the boy Samuel in the middle of the night (1 Samuel 3:1-10) on Proper 4, and it is scheduled for Epiphany 2 in year B, which is three years from now!
It takes a lot of gall and a fair bit of arrogance, but we offer a fix.
While doing a little channel surfing recently, I saw a sequence of four middle-aged faces, all of them saying they did not “feel fulfilled.”
Until fairly recently in human history – and it’s still true in many places – a woman had only one significant role, and that was to provide children. Especially boy children. Along the way she usually had to work a grinding 18 hour day, but that was just a fringe benefit. They had no idea that sterility was usually a male problem. Think of Henry VIII.
It’s almost heart-breaking to hear Hannah praying desperately to God for a son. Her husband, Elkanah, was a loving, understanding kind of guy, but Hannah had no standing in the community and the other wives teased her mercilessly. Her calling in life was to produce a boy baby.
Hannah did produce the boy Samuel, and if we read the next part of the legend, we hear the evocative story of a child being called by God.
The mythologist Joseph Campbell urged, “Follow your bliss.” That, he said, was a continuing theme in all world’s mythology. And it’s a recurring theme in the Bible.
How do we hear God’s call? How do we follow? How do we find a sense of fulfillment?
Jim says –
Amazing – the two streams of the lectionary manage to give us two connected readings about the boy Samuel, his mother Hannah, and his mentor Eli. And yet it still manages to leave out half of the story!
That wouldn’t be so bad if the lectionary at least picked up young Samuel’s encounter with God in the middle of the night for the following Sunday. But it doesn’t!
Arrrrggggghhhhhh!
Okay, I obviously want to tell this story. And equally obviously, I’m going to ignore the lectionary’s prescriptions.
So I would tell the story of Hannah. I would read Hannah’s song, and point out that Mary’s Magnificat, in Luke, borrows heavily from Hannah.
But then I would move the story to Hannah’s son, Samuel. I would talk about the pain she must have felt, giving up her firstborn, her only child, to the Temple. This was the first-fruits tradition, established from Mosaic times – the first, the best, was given to God; then you could keep some for yourself.
But the core of the story is Samuel hearing his name in the middle of the night. A group of us older guys got together a couple of weeks ago. Almost all of us had heard our names called, when we were children. But we were told we were imagining things. We were told to go back to play.
I would bet that a sizeable portion of every congregation has heard their name called. And been told it was a delusion. So I would explore the ways in which we adults destroy children’s spirituality by insisting that we know better than they do. I would wonder what might have happened if some of our elders had been as sensitive to God’s possibilities as old Eli was.
1 Samuel 2:1-10 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 I’m the queen of the castle, and you’re the dirty rascals!
2 At last things have gone right for me.And I owe it all to God.
3 You, bigmouth, button your lip! You make lots of noise, but so does a drum – because it’s empty inside.God sees your hollow core.
4 How much sound can you makewhen the rains come downand your taut skins sag like an old woman’s breasts?Even an old woman will be more vital than you!
5 Lots of things have happened while you were on coffee break:the blind see; the lame leap; the prisoners of their own bodies are set free!The fertile become sterile; but the barren bear new life!
6 Heaven and hell are overturned; even this is within God’s power.
7,8 The lost are remembered;the abandoned are brought back;they receive a respected place in society.
9 God’s faithful ones will warm their hands at God’s hearth,while the wicked wail in the darkness outside the door.They trusted in their own strength, instead of trusting God.
10 Once I was down, but now I am up.Once I groveled, but now I exult.For God sees through sham and deception;
God recognizes true value.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Hebrews 10:11-14, (15-18), 19-25 – “I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds (v 16).” That seems to be the core of this passage. And that seems to happen when we allow ourselves to soak – to marinate – in the stories, the songs, the ideas, the poems that are our Christian heritage, so that everything we do reflects the love of Christ.
Of course, none of us does that perfectly. Some of us are so encrusted with market-place values that, at best, just a little of that Spirit gets in through the cracks. Then some serious cracking and peeling – some conscious recognition and conscious practice – is necessary to allow the gospel to soak into our psyche.
Mark 13:1-8 – Jesus describes some cataclysmic events in this reading. And it is quite possible that Mark is looking back to the destruction of Jerusalem and the temple in 70 CE and telling us this is what Jesus foretold. It was cataclysmic and life-shattering for the Jews who were expelled by the Romans and found themselves scattered all over the known world.
Many life events are like that. There are signs the marriage or the job is in trouble. Without an intervention, a break-up is certain. The pain will be great, but if there is to be a new beginning, the pain is necessary.
The “Lectionary Story Bible” breaks up the story of Hannah, Samuel and Eli the way the lectionary does. The first installment, “Hannah Prays for a Baby,” is found in Year B page 226. The second part of the story is called, “God Calls Samuel,” and is on page 131, Year B.
A story based on the gospel reading, “People Are More Important,” is found on page 228.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible.” If you don’t have the full set, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – If you subscribe to “Christian Century,” check out an article by Kristin Swenson who teaches religious studies at Virginia Commonwealth University. It’s called “Biblically Challenged,” and subtitled, “overcoming scriptural illiteracy.”
If you don’t subscribe, you may have a friend who does. My friend is Doug Hodgkinson, to whom thanks for sending this on to me.
Swenson begins with a sad litany of references to surveys of many kinds in various parts of the world showing how most people still have a KJV Bible on a shelf somewhere, but very, very few have the faintest idea what is in it.
Unfortunately, that includes church people, including the ones who sit regularly in our pews. Every parish minister can name some exceptions, but they are exactly that. Exceptions.
After a survey of many attempts to confront the problem in our churches, Swenson says that finally the various leaders tell us to “just tell the stories. Over time, people will learn such basics as who Sarah was and the difference between Gospels and epistles—not necessarily as discrete and disconnected facts but in the holistic context of engagement with the richly layered texts. "Told well and faithfully, the stories have such power," Adams-Riley says. "Trust the stories, trust the God who is in the stories." Share the texts and your own engagement with them, openly acknowledging how they resist tidy, once-and-for-all treatments.”
I have to admit it feels good to have our instincts affirmed by a credentialed writer in a respected periodical. This won’t result in any significant changes in Rumors. Because the article tells me we’re on the right tract.
However, as I write the “Reader’s Theatre,” the introduction to the scripture that the readers give will more clearly focus on the needs of the vast majority of pew warmers who know very little about the Bible. That focus has not been as clear as it could have been.
Last August, Bev and I had the opportunity to lead worship in our own congregation for several Sundays. In addition to the “Reader’s Theatre,” Bev read a children’s version of the lection from “The Lectionary Story Bible.” Ostensibly for the children, but in every single case we had people come and tell us how much they appreciated “getting a leg up,” as one of them phrased it, to an understanding of the lection when it was read the second time.
We also led worship on the 25th of last month, and the response to the re-telling of the Job story was almost embarrassingly positive.
I am convinced that most church-goers would like to know more about the Bible. They are embarrassed by how little they now know. That embarrassment will keep them away from Bible study groups. That doesn’t make sense, but it’s true. But if we can develop an interesting, open way to help them learn in the course of our preaching, many of them will be leaning forward in their pews to soak it up.
It’s not the whole solution. Not by a long shot. But it is a step in the right direction.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Straitjacket for God
At the end of a presentation on world hunger, the program leader invited comments from the audience.
The first person to respond said, “It’s like Jesus said, if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he can feed himself for a lifetime.”
The discussion leader agreed that this was one of Jesus’ most important parables.
But it didn’t come from Jesus at all. It came from Confucius, around 500 B.C.
Perhaps it’s natural that people tend to attribute quotations to the Bible, since it is the largest single source of our common quotations, followed by Shakespeare. Still, I was dismayed that the facilitator, who should have known better, agreed that it came from the Bible. I wish people could be more accurate.
But I find it interesting that the saying becomes more believable if it comes from the Bible than if it comes from ancient China.
About 15 years ago, I coined my own saying: “Liberals believe what the Bible says if it’s supported by science or life; conservatives believe science and life only if it’s supported by the Bible.”
At the time, I thought it was a joke. I no longer think so.
I look around – especially at the U.S. – and I see conservatives accepting quantum physics, nanotechnology, gene splicing, and gas-guzzling SUVs, because none of them contradict the Bible. But they reject evolution, because it disagrees with the biblical story of Creation.
For the same reason, they whole-heartedly welcome psychiatry, capitalism, calculus, and Viagra. But they reject abortion and homosexuality, because of a few biblical verses.
Please note – the point is not whether abortion and alternate sexual orientations are right or wrong. The point is the basis on which people reach that conclusion. Abortion may well be the murder of an unborn child. But would conservatives still oppose abortion if the Bible endorsed it? I doubt it.
I’m reminded that when a few radical voices began advocating the abolition of slavery in the late 1700s, the most strident opposition came from those who insisted that abolishing slavery was contrary to God’s will.
And how did they know God’s will? The Bible told them so.
A minister friend’s daughter rejected his faith years ago. Recently, she went to a worship service with him. As they came out, she admitted that she had enjoyed the singing, appreciated the sermon... “The only problem,” she said, “was that everything was about the Bible. Don’t you people ever read anything else?”
I have sometimes suggested that in the new challenges facing our world – from climate change to nuclear weapons to toxic chemicals that never existed before – God may have to communicate with us in unprecedented ways. Probably not through the church. More likely through people who don’t wear a Christian badge on their sleeves, like Al Gore, David Suzuki, or Percy Schmeiser.
And I’ve been assured that God cannot act in ways that are not already defined by the Bible.
Amazing – a book has become a straitjacket limiting the Almighty.
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Good Stuff – This from Sally Gill. It’s been around before, but quite some time back. And it’s a good enough parable to bear repeating.
A pilgrim from earth was having a conversation with God one day. The pilgrim said, “God, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.
God led the pilgrim to two doors. The pilgrim looked in the first door. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the pilgrim’s mouth water.
But the people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The pilgrim shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.
“That is Hell,” said God.
They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the pilgrim’s mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but they were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.
“I don't understand,” said the pilgrim.
“It’s simple,” said God. “In this room, they have learned to feed each other.”
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Jean McCord says her church “has a great food and clothing bank called My Sister’s Pantry. However, a recent report said we were involved in ‘my sister’s panty’ (no caps, even). Luckily someone caught it at the first draft.”
Russell Pastuch of Ottawa, Ontario noticed an interesting litany in the worship service:
One: God's Sacred Presence is in the midst of this gathered community.
All: And God's Scared Presence is outside in the bustle of neighbourhoods and the beauty of creation.
Well Russell, if God is a bit scared in the bustle of our neighbourhoods, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised. Especially in the Ottawa neighbourhood known as “Capitol Hill.”
From the file:
* The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
* The “Over 60s Choir” will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
* The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
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Wish I’d Said That! –When you tug at a single thing in nature, you find it attached to the rest of the world.
John Muir via Cliff Boldt
An artist is consumed, not by the past or present work, but by the empty space ahead.
Lily Tomlin via Stephani Keer
Tourists travels thousand miles to get a picture of themselves standing beside their car.
source unknown via Evelyn McLachlan
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We Get Letters – Lenore Reeves and Mary Lautensleger wrote to report a number of errors in last week’s Rumors around All Saints’ Day and the Proper numbering.
My apologies to all of you who were confused or inconvenienced by my errors. I wish I could promise to mend my ways and not make anymore dumb mistakes. But that isn’t likely to happen. In fact, it will probably get worse.
Wrong! No “probably” about it. It will get worse.
If you are involved in worship leadership, I would strongly recommend that you have at least one other source against which you can check my stuff.
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Round is a shape!”)
Alexis Anderson gives us this advice from the family doctor we wish we all had.
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your hearts only good for so many beats, and that’s it. Don't waste it on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. It’s like saying you extend the life of a car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: Understand the concept of logistical efficiency. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of the recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer is also made of grain which has lots of good fiber. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: I can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You are not paying attention! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they are permeated by it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy?!? Hell-ooo!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain the whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
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Bottom of the Barrel – This groaner is from Art Hebbeler of Laurel, Maryland. He doesn’t know the source, which is just as well.
A new preacher wanted to rent a house in the country but the only one available was rumored to be haunted. That didn’t bother the preacher since he didn’t believe in such things. He went ahead and rented the place.
Soon the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the ghost, but they didn’t believe him. They told him the only way they would believe was if he took a picture of the ghost.
The preacher went home and called for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed.
When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn’t visible. Feeling disappointed, the preacher called again for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn’t in it.
The ghost thought a minute and replied, “Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.”
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – 1 Samuel 1:4-20, 1 Samuel 2:18-20, 1 Samuel 3:1-18. Selected verses.
(Important note: It’s important for the congregation to understand when you are reading from the scripture, and when you are having a conversation between the two of you. A significant pause, and a change of posture should do it.)
Reader 1: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Reader 2: What are you talking about? I am grown up.
1: No you’re not. You’re just an overgrown kid in grown-up clothes. Some people don’t grow up until they’re into their 80s. Some never manage it.
2: I am legally an adult. I have a driver’s license, I am of legal drinking age. I can vote. And I have arthritis in my knees. And gray hair. And a pot belly. (NOTE: CHANGE THESE TO SUIT YOURSELF)
1: I didn’t ask if you were an adult. I was talking about when you grow up. When you become what you always dreamed of becoming. When you become the person you sometimes dream of becoming when you are lying in bed and you are just falling asleep.
2: (SQUIRMS A LITTLE BUT DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING.)
1: Well?
2: I always thought of myself as someone who really cared about other people.
1: That’s your call!
2: What is?
1: That little voice inside your head that keeps telling you that God’s dream for you is to care for other people.
2: That’s in our scripture for today.
1: I wondered when we were going to get around to that.
2: It’s a story that comes from the Hebrew scriptures about a woman named Hannah, and how she dreamed of having a child – it’s about the child she had and God’s call to him in the middle of the night. He became the prophet Samuel, one of the greatest prophets in the Hebrew Scripture.
1: Then let’s read it.
2: We need to tell the story that leads up to the scripture reading. It’s about Hannah who wants so badly to have a baby. She has a very gentle and kind husband named Elkanah who tells her, “It’s OK, Hannah. I love you even if you don’t have any babies.”
So Hannah goes to the temple to pray for a baby. And here we pick up the story in the scripture. From the book of First Samuel.
SLIGHT PAUSE
1: Hannah was deeply distressed and prayed to God and wept bitterly. She made this vow.
2: O LORD of hosts, if only you will look on my misery but will give me a male child, then I will dedicate him to you until the day of his death. He shall drink neither wine nor intoxicants, and no razor shall touch his head."1: Now Eli, the priest was sitting nearby. As she continued praying Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying silently; only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk. He said to her, "How long will you make a drunken spectacle of yourself? Put away your wine."2: No, my lord, I am a woman deeply troubled; I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but I have been pouring out my soul before God. Please don’t see me as a worthless woman, for I have been speaking out of my great anxiety and vexation all this time."1: "Go in peace; the God of Israel grant the petition you have made.SLIGHT PAUSE
2: That’s the first part of the story in the First book of Samuel. Hannah goes back to her home, and sure enough, she gets pregnant and gives birth to Samuel.
Store that name in your head, because Samuel becomes a very prominent figure in the Bible story.
1: Hannah has her baby Samuel. And I find this hard to believe – the story says that as soon as little Sam was weaned, she took him to the temple as she had promised, and left him there with old Eli to look after him.
2: Yeah, I find that hard too. Would old Eli know how to change a poopy diaper?
1: Hannah gets to see her boy once a year, when they make their annual pilgrimage to the temple. And the Bible adds a tender little note that she would make a little robe for her child each year and bring it to him.
2: But now we get to the main part of the story. Samuel has grown – he’s probably a young teenager, and he’s pretty well learned how to behave in the temple. Eli is getting old and crotchety, and his eyesight is beginning to go. We pick up the story in the Bible, this time from the third chapter of the book of Samuel.
SLIGHT PAUSE.
1: At that time Eli, whose eyesight had begun to grow dim so that he could not see, was lying down in his room where the ark of God was. And God called to the boy.
2:"Samuel! Samuel!"
1: "Here I am!"
2: Samuel ran to Eli.
1: "Here I am, for you called me."
2: "I did not call; lie down again." So Samuel went and laid down. But God called again. "Samuel!" Samuel got up and went to Eli.
1: "Here I am, for you called me."
2: "I did not call, my son; lie down again." Now, young Samuel did not yet know God, and the word of God had not yet been revealed to him. God called Samuel again, a third time. And again, Samuel got up and went to Eli.
1: "Here I am, for you called me."
2: Then Eli knew that it was God calling the boy. And so Eli said to Samuel, "Go, lie down; and if God calls you, you shall say, 'Speak, for your servant is listening.'" So Samuel went and lay down in his place.
Now God came and stood there, calling as before, "Samuel! Samuel!"
1: "Speak God, for your servant is listening."
2: "See, I am about to do something in Israel that will make both ears of anyone who hears of it tingle. On that day I will fulfill against Eli all that I have spoken concerning his house, from beginning to end. For I have told him that I am about to punish his house forever, for the iniquity that he knew, because his sons were blaspheming God, and he did not restrain them.
1: As Samuel grew up, God was with him and let none of God’s words fall to the ground. And all Israel from Dan to Beer-sheba knew that Samuel was a trustworthy prophet of the LORD.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-11-08
November 11, 2009
THE CALL OF SAMUEL
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.
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The Story – a fractured story
Rumors – scriptural illiteracy
Soft Edges –
Good Stuff – the difference between heaven and hell
Bloopers – when God is scared
We Get Letters – an apology
Mirabile Dictu! – round is a shape
Bottom of the Barrel – the spirit is willing
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – selected portions from 1 Samuel
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – The garment buyer of a large department store was in Korea on a buying mission.
All interested sellers and manufacturers had gathered and gave a banquet at which the buyer was the honored guest. He was asked to give a speech which, of course, had to be translated.
In the course of the speech he told a long complicated funny story with some complex puns. After which he alone laughed and then he waited for the translation.
The translator spoke two sentences and the audience erupted in gales of laughter with clapping, foot stomping, and even cheering.
The buyer was gratified but puzzled. Finally, after a bit of arm twisting, someone told him what the translator had said. “Fat man with big chequebook told funny story. Do what you think appropriate.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, November 15th which is Proper 28 (33).
* 1 Samuel 1:4-20 or Daniel 12:1-3
* 1 Samuel 2:1-10 or Psalm 16
* Hebrews 10:11-14, (15-18), 19-25
* Mark 13:1-8
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – 1 Samuel 1:4-20. Plus 1 Samuel 3:1-18.
Ralph says –
Talk about disconnected lections! Our Hebrew scripture reading gives us the opening scene of the story of Hannah and Samuel. The tender little scene of Hannah bringing a robe to her child (1 Samuel 2:18-20) happens on Christmas, Year C. We hear the story of God calling the boy Samuel in the middle of the night (1 Samuel 3:1-10) on Proper 4, and it is scheduled for Epiphany 2 in year B, which is three years from now!
It takes a lot of gall and a fair bit of arrogance, but we offer a fix.
While doing a little channel surfing recently, I saw a sequence of four middle-aged faces, all of them saying they did not “feel fulfilled.”
Until fairly recently in human history – and it’s still true in many places – a woman had only one significant role, and that was to provide children. Especially boy children. Along the way she usually had to work a grinding 18 hour day, but that was just a fringe benefit. They had no idea that sterility was usually a male problem. Think of Henry VIII.
It’s almost heart-breaking to hear Hannah praying desperately to God for a son. Her husband, Elkanah, was a loving, understanding kind of guy, but Hannah had no standing in the community and the other wives teased her mercilessly. Her calling in life was to produce a boy baby.
Hannah did produce the boy Samuel, and if we read the next part of the legend, we hear the evocative story of a child being called by God.
The mythologist Joseph Campbell urged, “Follow your bliss.” That, he said, was a continuing theme in all world’s mythology. And it’s a recurring theme in the Bible.
How do we hear God’s call? How do we follow? How do we find a sense of fulfillment?
Jim says –
Amazing – the two streams of the lectionary manage to give us two connected readings about the boy Samuel, his mother Hannah, and his mentor Eli. And yet it still manages to leave out half of the story!
That wouldn’t be so bad if the lectionary at least picked up young Samuel’s encounter with God in the middle of the night for the following Sunday. But it doesn’t!
Arrrrggggghhhhhh!
Okay, I obviously want to tell this story. And equally obviously, I’m going to ignore the lectionary’s prescriptions.
So I would tell the story of Hannah. I would read Hannah’s song, and point out that Mary’s Magnificat, in Luke, borrows heavily from Hannah.
But then I would move the story to Hannah’s son, Samuel. I would talk about the pain she must have felt, giving up her firstborn, her only child, to the Temple. This was the first-fruits tradition, established from Mosaic times – the first, the best, was given to God; then you could keep some for yourself.
But the core of the story is Samuel hearing his name in the middle of the night. A group of us older guys got together a couple of weeks ago. Almost all of us had heard our names called, when we were children. But we were told we were imagining things. We were told to go back to play.
I would bet that a sizeable portion of every congregation has heard their name called. And been told it was a delusion. So I would explore the ways in which we adults destroy children’s spirituality by insisting that we know better than they do. I would wonder what might have happened if some of our elders had been as sensitive to God’s possibilities as old Eli was.
1 Samuel 2:1-10 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 I’m the queen of the castle, and you’re the dirty rascals!
2 At last things have gone right for me.And I owe it all to God.
3 You, bigmouth, button your lip! You make lots of noise, but so does a drum – because it’s empty inside.God sees your hollow core.
4 How much sound can you makewhen the rains come downand your taut skins sag like an old woman’s breasts?Even an old woman will be more vital than you!
5 Lots of things have happened while you were on coffee break:the blind see; the lame leap; the prisoners of their own bodies are set free!The fertile become sterile; but the barren bear new life!
6 Heaven and hell are overturned; even this is within God’s power.
7,8 The lost are remembered;the abandoned are brought back;they receive a respected place in society.
9 God’s faithful ones will warm their hands at God’s hearth,while the wicked wail in the darkness outside the door.They trusted in their own strength, instead of trusting God.
10 Once I was down, but now I am up.Once I groveled, but now I exult.For God sees through sham and deception;
God recognizes true value.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Hebrews 10:11-14, (15-18), 19-25 – “I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds (v 16).” That seems to be the core of this passage. And that seems to happen when we allow ourselves to soak – to marinate – in the stories, the songs, the ideas, the poems that are our Christian heritage, so that everything we do reflects the love of Christ.
Of course, none of us does that perfectly. Some of us are so encrusted with market-place values that, at best, just a little of that Spirit gets in through the cracks. Then some serious cracking and peeling – some conscious recognition and conscious practice – is necessary to allow the gospel to soak into our psyche.
Mark 13:1-8 – Jesus describes some cataclysmic events in this reading. And it is quite possible that Mark is looking back to the destruction of Jerusalem and the temple in 70 CE and telling us this is what Jesus foretold. It was cataclysmic and life-shattering for the Jews who were expelled by the Romans and found themselves scattered all over the known world.
Many life events are like that. There are signs the marriage or the job is in trouble. Without an intervention, a break-up is certain. The pain will be great, but if there is to be a new beginning, the pain is necessary.
The “Lectionary Story Bible” breaks up the story of Hannah, Samuel and Eli the way the lectionary does. The first installment, “Hannah Prays for a Baby,” is found in Year B page 226. The second part of the story is called, “God Calls Samuel,” and is on page 131, Year B.
A story based on the gospel reading, “People Are More Important,” is found on page 228.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible.” If you don’t have the full set, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – If you subscribe to “Christian Century,” check out an article by Kristin Swenson who teaches religious studies at Virginia Commonwealth University. It’s called “Biblically Challenged,” and subtitled, “overcoming scriptural illiteracy.”
If you don’t subscribe, you may have a friend who does. My friend is Doug Hodgkinson, to whom thanks for sending this on to me.
Swenson begins with a sad litany of references to surveys of many kinds in various parts of the world showing how most people still have a KJV Bible on a shelf somewhere, but very, very few have the faintest idea what is in it.
Unfortunately, that includes church people, including the ones who sit regularly in our pews. Every parish minister can name some exceptions, but they are exactly that. Exceptions.
After a survey of many attempts to confront the problem in our churches, Swenson says that finally the various leaders tell us to “just tell the stories. Over time, people will learn such basics as who Sarah was and the difference between Gospels and epistles—not necessarily as discrete and disconnected facts but in the holistic context of engagement with the richly layered texts. "Told well and faithfully, the stories have such power," Adams-Riley says. "Trust the stories, trust the God who is in the stories." Share the texts and your own engagement with them, openly acknowledging how they resist tidy, once-and-for-all treatments.”
I have to admit it feels good to have our instincts affirmed by a credentialed writer in a respected periodical. This won’t result in any significant changes in Rumors. Because the article tells me we’re on the right tract.
However, as I write the “Reader’s Theatre,” the introduction to the scripture that the readers give will more clearly focus on the needs of the vast majority of pew warmers who know very little about the Bible. That focus has not been as clear as it could have been.
Last August, Bev and I had the opportunity to lead worship in our own congregation for several Sundays. In addition to the “Reader’s Theatre,” Bev read a children’s version of the lection from “The Lectionary Story Bible.” Ostensibly for the children, but in every single case we had people come and tell us how much they appreciated “getting a leg up,” as one of them phrased it, to an understanding of the lection when it was read the second time.
We also led worship on the 25th of last month, and the response to the re-telling of the Job story was almost embarrassingly positive.
I am convinced that most church-goers would like to know more about the Bible. They are embarrassed by how little they now know. That embarrassment will keep them away from Bible study groups. That doesn’t make sense, but it’s true. But if we can develop an interesting, open way to help them learn in the course of our preaching, many of them will be leaning forward in their pews to soak it up.
It’s not the whole solution. Not by a long shot. But it is a step in the right direction.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Straitjacket for God
At the end of a presentation on world hunger, the program leader invited comments from the audience.
The first person to respond said, “It’s like Jesus said, if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he can feed himself for a lifetime.”
The discussion leader agreed that this was one of Jesus’ most important parables.
But it didn’t come from Jesus at all. It came from Confucius, around 500 B.C.
Perhaps it’s natural that people tend to attribute quotations to the Bible, since it is the largest single source of our common quotations, followed by Shakespeare. Still, I was dismayed that the facilitator, who should have known better, agreed that it came from the Bible. I wish people could be more accurate.
But I find it interesting that the saying becomes more believable if it comes from the Bible than if it comes from ancient China.
About 15 years ago, I coined my own saying: “Liberals believe what the Bible says if it’s supported by science or life; conservatives believe science and life only if it’s supported by the Bible.”
At the time, I thought it was a joke. I no longer think so.
I look around – especially at the U.S. – and I see conservatives accepting quantum physics, nanotechnology, gene splicing, and gas-guzzling SUVs, because none of them contradict the Bible. But they reject evolution, because it disagrees with the biblical story of Creation.
For the same reason, they whole-heartedly welcome psychiatry, capitalism, calculus, and Viagra. But they reject abortion and homosexuality, because of a few biblical verses.
Please note – the point is not whether abortion and alternate sexual orientations are right or wrong. The point is the basis on which people reach that conclusion. Abortion may well be the murder of an unborn child. But would conservatives still oppose abortion if the Bible endorsed it? I doubt it.
I’m reminded that when a few radical voices began advocating the abolition of slavery in the late 1700s, the most strident opposition came from those who insisted that abolishing slavery was contrary to God’s will.
And how did they know God’s will? The Bible told them so.
A minister friend’s daughter rejected his faith years ago. Recently, she went to a worship service with him. As they came out, she admitted that she had enjoyed the singing, appreciated the sermon... “The only problem,” she said, “was that everything was about the Bible. Don’t you people ever read anything else?”
I have sometimes suggested that in the new challenges facing our world – from climate change to nuclear weapons to toxic chemicals that never existed before – God may have to communicate with us in unprecedented ways. Probably not through the church. More likely through people who don’t wear a Christian badge on their sleeves, like Al Gore, David Suzuki, or Percy Schmeiser.
And I’ve been assured that God cannot act in ways that are not already defined by the Bible.
Amazing – a book has become a straitjacket limiting the Almighty.
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Good Stuff – This from Sally Gill. It’s been around before, but quite some time back. And it’s a good enough parable to bear repeating.
A pilgrim from earth was having a conversation with God one day. The pilgrim said, “God, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.
God led the pilgrim to two doors. The pilgrim looked in the first door. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the pilgrim’s mouth water.
But the people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The pilgrim shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.
“That is Hell,” said God.
They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the pilgrim’s mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but they were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.
“I don't understand,” said the pilgrim.
“It’s simple,” said God. “In this room, they have learned to feed each other.”
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Jean McCord says her church “has a great food and clothing bank called My Sister’s Pantry. However, a recent report said we were involved in ‘my sister’s panty’ (no caps, even). Luckily someone caught it at the first draft.”
Russell Pastuch of Ottawa, Ontario noticed an interesting litany in the worship service:
One: God's Sacred Presence is in the midst of this gathered community.
All: And God's Scared Presence is outside in the bustle of neighbourhoods and the beauty of creation.
Well Russell, if God is a bit scared in the bustle of our neighbourhoods, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised. Especially in the Ottawa neighbourhood known as “Capitol Hill.”
From the file:
* The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
* The “Over 60s Choir” will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
* The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
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Wish I’d Said That! –When you tug at a single thing in nature, you find it attached to the rest of the world.
John Muir via Cliff Boldt
An artist is consumed, not by the past or present work, but by the empty space ahead.
Lily Tomlin via Stephani Keer
Tourists travels thousand miles to get a picture of themselves standing beside their car.
source unknown via Evelyn McLachlan
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We Get Letters – Lenore Reeves and Mary Lautensleger wrote to report a number of errors in last week’s Rumors around All Saints’ Day and the Proper numbering.
My apologies to all of you who were confused or inconvenienced by my errors. I wish I could promise to mend my ways and not make anymore dumb mistakes. But that isn’t likely to happen. In fact, it will probably get worse.
Wrong! No “probably” about it. It will get worse.
If you are involved in worship leadership, I would strongly recommend that you have at least one other source against which you can check my stuff.
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Round is a shape!”)
Alexis Anderson gives us this advice from the family doctor we wish we all had.
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your hearts only good for so many beats, and that’s it. Don't waste it on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. It’s like saying you extend the life of a car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: Understand the concept of logistical efficiency. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of the recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer is also made of grain which has lots of good fiber. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: I can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You are not paying attention! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they are permeated by it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy?!? Hell-ooo!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain the whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
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Bottom of the Barrel – This groaner is from Art Hebbeler of Laurel, Maryland. He doesn’t know the source, which is just as well.
A new preacher wanted to rent a house in the country but the only one available was rumored to be haunted. That didn’t bother the preacher since he didn’t believe in such things. He went ahead and rented the place.
Soon the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the ghost, but they didn’t believe him. They told him the only way they would believe was if he took a picture of the ghost.
The preacher went home and called for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed.
When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn’t visible. Feeling disappointed, the preacher called again for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn’t in it.
The ghost thought a minute and replied, “Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.”
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – 1 Samuel 1:4-20, 1 Samuel 2:18-20, 1 Samuel 3:1-18. Selected verses.
(Important note: It’s important for the congregation to understand when you are reading from the scripture, and when you are having a conversation between the two of you. A significant pause, and a change of posture should do it.)
Reader 1: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Reader 2: What are you talking about? I am grown up.
1: No you’re not. You’re just an overgrown kid in grown-up clothes. Some people don’t grow up until they’re into their 80s. Some never manage it.
2: I am legally an adult. I have a driver’s license, I am of legal drinking age. I can vote. And I have arthritis in my knees. And gray hair. And a pot belly. (NOTE: CHANGE THESE TO SUIT YOURSELF)
1: I didn’t ask if you were an adult. I was talking about when you grow up. When you become what you always dreamed of becoming. When you become the person you sometimes dream of becoming when you are lying in bed and you are just falling asleep.
2: (SQUIRMS A LITTLE BUT DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING.)
1: Well?
2: I always thought of myself as someone who really cared about other people.
1: That’s your call!
2: What is?
1: That little voice inside your head that keeps telling you that God’s dream for you is to care for other people.
2: That’s in our scripture for today.
1: I wondered when we were going to get around to that.
2: It’s a story that comes from the Hebrew scriptures about a woman named Hannah, and how she dreamed of having a child – it’s about the child she had and God’s call to him in the middle of the night. He became the prophet Samuel, one of the greatest prophets in the Hebrew Scripture.
1: Then let’s read it.
2: We need to tell the story that leads up to the scripture reading. It’s about Hannah who wants so badly to have a baby. She has a very gentle and kind husband named Elkanah who tells her, “It’s OK, Hannah. I love you even if you don’t have any babies.”
So Hannah goes to the temple to pray for a baby. And here we pick up the story in the scripture. From the book of First Samuel.
SLIGHT PAUSE
1: Hannah was deeply distressed and prayed to God and wept bitterly. She made this vow.
2: O LORD of hosts, if only you will look on my misery but will give me a male child, then I will dedicate him to you until the day of his death. He shall drink neither wine nor intoxicants, and no razor shall touch his head."1: Now Eli, the priest was sitting nearby. As she continued praying Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying silently; only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk. He said to her, "How long will you make a drunken spectacle of yourself? Put away your wine."2: No, my lord, I am a woman deeply troubled; I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but I have been pouring out my soul before God. Please don’t see me as a worthless woman, for I have been speaking out of my great anxiety and vexation all this time."1: "Go in peace; the God of Israel grant the petition you have made.SLIGHT PAUSE
2: That’s the first part of the story in the First book of Samuel. Hannah goes back to her home, and sure enough, she gets pregnant and gives birth to Samuel.
Store that name in your head, because Samuel becomes a very prominent figure in the Bible story.
1: Hannah has her baby Samuel. And I find this hard to believe – the story says that as soon as little Sam was weaned, she took him to the temple as she had promised, and left him there with old Eli to look after him.
2: Yeah, I find that hard too. Would old Eli know how to change a poopy diaper?
1: Hannah gets to see her boy once a year, when they make their annual pilgrimage to the temple. And the Bible adds a tender little note that she would make a little robe for her child each year and bring it to him.
2: But now we get to the main part of the story. Samuel has grown – he’s probably a young teenager, and he’s pretty well learned how to behave in the temple. Eli is getting old and crotchety, and his eyesight is beginning to go. We pick up the story in the Bible, this time from the third chapter of the book of Samuel.
SLIGHT PAUSE.
1: At that time Eli, whose eyesight had begun to grow dim so that he could not see, was lying down in his room where the ark of God was. And God called to the boy.
2:"Samuel! Samuel!"
1: "Here I am!"
2: Samuel ran to Eli.
1: "Here I am, for you called me."
2: "I did not call; lie down again." So Samuel went and laid down. But God called again. "Samuel!" Samuel got up and went to Eli.
1: "Here I am, for you called me."
2: "I did not call, my son; lie down again." Now, young Samuel did not yet know God, and the word of God had not yet been revealed to him. God called Samuel again, a third time. And again, Samuel got up and went to Eli.
1: "Here I am, for you called me."
2: Then Eli knew that it was God calling the boy. And so Eli said to Samuel, "Go, lie down; and if God calls you, you shall say, 'Speak, for your servant is listening.'" So Samuel went and lay down in his place.
Now God came and stood there, calling as before, "Samuel! Samuel!"
1: "Speak God, for your servant is listening."
2: "See, I am about to do something in Israel that will make both ears of anyone who hears of it tingle. On that day I will fulfill against Eli all that I have spoken concerning his house, from beginning to end. For I have told him that I am about to punish his house forever, for the iniquity that he knew, because his sons were blaspheming God, and he did not restrain them.
1: As Samuel grew up, God was with him and let none of God’s words fall to the ground. And all Israel from Dan to Beer-sheba knew that Samuel was a trustworthy prophet of the LORD.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Friday, October 30, 2009
Preaching Materials for November 8, 2009
R U M O R S # 574
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-11-01
November 1, 2009
A DEEPLY TOUCHING STORY
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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If you need Rumors a day or two early from time to time, please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog, usually during the last half of the week previous. Or if an issue of Rumors goes missing, or you need a back issue, you can go and find it there.
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The Story – two courageous women
Rumors – Boaz remembers
Soft Edges – people and pests
Bloopers – on a private cuddle sac
We Get Letters – church of steel
Mirabile Dictu! – character lines
Bottom of the Barrel – Jesus is watching
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Ruth 3:1-5; 4:13-17
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – This from Bob Buchanan.
A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does your father say when the family sits down to dinner?"
"Dad says, 'Go easy on the butter, kids, its three dollars a pound!'"
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These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, November 8, 2009 which is Proper 26 [31] which is also All Saints Day.
* Ruth 3:1-5; 4:13-17 or1 Kings 17:8-16
* Psalm 127 or Psalm 146
* Hebrews 9:24-28
* Mark 12:38-44
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Ruth 3:1-5; 4:13-17
Ralph says –
The story of Ruth and Naomi is one of the most moving and powerful sagas in the Bible, because it tells the story of the courage of two women who are caught in a male-oriented system. In this part of the story, Naomi instructs Ruth to deliberately seduce Boaz (“feet” is a euphemism for genitals) because otherwise they will face starvation. Only two snippets of this story are included in the lectionary. It deserves more attention and it is my choice for the story this week even though there is an equally powerful story of the “widow’s mite” in the gospel. If I were preaching, I’d find a way to connect the two, perhaps to talk about the way your perception of morality changes when your back is up against the wall.
If I were going to preach the story of Ruth and Naomi, I would use the children’s version from the Lectionary Story Bible, Year B, page 220, because it tells the whole Ruth and Naomi story. The story is also summarized in the Reader’s Theatre version of scripture, and you could excerpt just that even if you don’t plan to use the whole Reader’s Theatre thing.
Either way, please tell the story. This week’s lectionary selection doesn’t really make much sense without that context.
There is also a monologue, “Boaz Remembers” under “Rumors.” It is not intended for, nor would it be understood by, children. Its best use would be in a study group looking at the story, but it does give some insight into the reality of a widow’s life in biblical days.
Jim says –
To me, the story of Naomi and Ruth is one of the most touching in the Bible. It’s right up there with the Parable of the Prodigal Son.
But I think that most presentations of the story
a) deal with only small fragments of it
b) make Naomi far too nice.
When I read the whole story, beginning to end, I see Naomi as rather embittered by her losses – understandably, since she lost not just her husband, but both sons too. With no male head-of-household, she was a total nobody.
So she decided to return home, where she could at least throw herself under the umbrella of some more distant male relatives. Yes, she tries to persuade her daughters-in-law to stay in their home country, but I wonder if that’s genuine self-sacrifice, or an episode of the “oh, poor me!” blues.
But she must have been a lovable woman once, for Ruth to stick with her.
Then, when they got back to Naomi’s home, Naomi manipulates Ruth to seduce Boaz, an unmarried kin. The climax of the story (Chapter 4:16-17) is that Naomi now has a grandson. She got what she had wanted all along. Her lineage would continue.
Of course, we can see further into the future – that lineage will eventually come to flower in King David.
Psalm 127:1-5 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
In the wisdom of the psalmist's time, children offered the only social security most families had; barrenness was considered a curse. Today, many people choose not to have children, and governments provide the social security.
1 The road of life takes many tricky turns;
you never know what crisis waits around the corner.
2 Each day has only 24 hours;
You cannot accomplish any more by burning candles at both ends;
You will only burn yourself out.
But God knows what you can do, and God will give you the strength you need.
3 God gives family and friends to sustain us when we weaken;
4 They are our insurance against the future.
5 Treat everyone as a friend,
and you will never lack for support when you need it.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Hebrews 9:24-28 – The passage seems to be around knowing the difference between a sacrifice that is real, and those which are unreal. And it has to do with cost. The ritual sacrifices of the priests cost them nothing, whereas Jesus’ sacrifice cost him everything.
Mark 12:38-44 – Two real incidents come immediately to mind. The two women involved are both dead. In one tiny, struggling congregation where Bev served during her first years in ministry, a woman in the community would make a grand entrance to the church twice a year, and each time would put a cheque for several thousand dollars on the offering plate, even though Bev said to her on one occasion, “We don’t want your money. We want you.”
In another congregation, a woman attended church faithfully and involved herself in the work of the church as much as she was able. Rachel suffered significant handicaps herself and was a single mother with two handicapped children. She lived on welfare which was inadequate for her most basic needs and even less so considering her handicapped children.
And Rachel tithed. Only Bev, who helped her set up a budget, knew that. From the little she had, Rachel tithed, even though Bev suggested she might give less. “If I don’t do that part right,” she said, “nothing else works.” Rachel tithed faithfully, year after year until she died.
So this incident in Mark’s gospel is realty for me. It’s about real people I have known.
There’s a children’s version of the whole story of Ruth and Naomi in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 220 and the “Poor Woman’s Gift” on page 225.
If you don’t own a set of “The Lectionary Story Bible,” click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – An Aggada based on the book of Ruth
Boaz remembers. . .
The story of Ruth who had no other options
by Ralph Milton
I am a decent man. I have a reputation to maintain. I live a decent life and say my prayers daily. I thank God for many things, and most especially I say the prayer prescribed for all Jewish men, “Thank God that I was not born a woman.”
Mostly I steer clear of women. They spell nothing but trouble, and in a small town like Bethlehem, there are no secrets.
So when I woke in the middle of the night, naked, my cloak pulled up to my chest, a shudder of fear ran through me. And then, in the darkness, I became aware of a woman beside me. I could hear her breathing. I could feel the warmth of her body. I knew I was in trouble. Deep trouble. My head was pounding and I felt sick to the stomach, from fear and too much to drink. What kind of mess have I gotten myself into?
It was the last night of the threshing season. Big celebration. Lots of good food and lots and lots of wine, and everyone ate and drank and partied till the wee small hours, until they passed out somewhere on the threshing floor. And yes, a lot of men and women got mixed up with each other – they do every year – but I always thought of myself as too smart to fall into that trap.
Now this. And I didn’t even know who this woman was. It was the middle of the night. She put her face close to mine and whispered, “I am Ruth.”
“Ruth? Ruth who? I don’t know any Ruth.”
“I am Ruth, the woman from Moab. I am the daughter-in-law of Naomi, your kinswoman. You were very kind to me and helped me glean grain from your fields. You protected me and gave me food.”
Then the whole thing came clear to me. I do her a favor. She pays me back by giving me her body.
“Damn,” I whispered loudly. Then more quietly because I didn’t want to wake up any of the other drunken bodies scattered around the threshing floor – “I thought you were something more than a prostitute. Do you think I let you glean in the fields just so I could get you into the sack?”
I could feel her stiffen and sit up. “I should have known. I should have bloody well known that no man would understand this.”
“Quiet,” I whispered. “You’ll wake everybody up.”
“Let them wake up,” Ruth hissed. “And I’ll give them a little lecture about what it’s like being a woman. A woman is just half a human, remember. I have no rights. I have no place I can go back to, and no place I can go forward to. I am a foreigner in this country, I am a widow, I have no father and no sons. All I have is a mother-in-law who schemes and plans and figures that if I come here and seduce you, maybe you’ll marry me. But you wouldn’t know what it’s like to have your back against the wall, to have no options, no choices and no hope. It’s no wonder you men pray, ‘Thank God I was not born a woman.’ I would too. Men have all the power and all the choices and I have no power and no choices except the power of sex and so I turn myself into a prostitute in the wild hope that you might marry me.”
I couldn’t see her in the dark but I could feel her anger and her pain. And I could remember her face. I had seen the grim determination in her eyes and in her body as she worked in the blazing sun from early morning till late at night, breaking her back to pick up the few little heads of grain missed by the harvesters. And I had heard her story gossiped in the streets of Bethlehem, how hope had turned to pain and death in her native Moab, of her dedication to her mother-in-law. I had envied her courage, her strength, her commitment. Now I could hear her deep and angry breathing as she sat there beside me on the threshing floor.
She was right, of course. Part of my daily prayer was to say, “Thank God I was not born a woman,” and now, suddenly, I knew why. I was far too weak to be a woman. I would long ago have been crushed by the pain and circumstance Ruth and Naomi had faced. “Thank God I was not born a woman,” because I could never do what Ruth had done, simply to stay alive. Nor did I have the loyalty and commitment she had showed, when she followed Naomi into a strange and distant land.
And then I knew I needed Ruth. Not for the sex and not for the comfort but for the sheer strength and will and hope that lives in such a person.
“Ruth,” I said. “If I can work it out, will you marry me?”
“No,” she said. “If it means death, so be it, but I won’t sell myself again, just to survive.”
“Not for your sake, Ruth. For mine. I have power, but you have strength. As a male, I have rights, but you have purpose. Without you, I am incomplete.”
There was a long, long silence. Then in the darkness of that threshing floor, she took my hand.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
People and Pests
Our cat Joey caught a mouse the other day. Joey generally prefers occupying my lounge chair in front of the fireplace to catching mice. In fact, in the two years we’ve had him, this is the first time I’ve seen him catch anything other than his tail in the door.
Joan looked out, and saw Joey playing with something. He grabbed it in his mouth, flung it in the air, pounced on it, then flung it in the air and pounced again...
I went out to check. Joey had a mouse. A small, wet, beslobbered, utterly terrified little mouse. The words of Scottish poet Robbie Burns fitted well:
“Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim'rous beastie, Oh, what a panic's in thy breastie!”
I intervened. I grabbed Joey and held him back.
The mouse, suddenly released from torment, looked around desperately with its beady black eyes. Then it scuttled for the closest shelter, which happened to be – I still find this hard to believe – between Joey’s legs. Under Joey’s belly.
It makes me wonder why biologists would choose mice for testing intelligence.
It also makes me wonder why I should bother protecting a mouse. Mice are, after all, pests. We hire exterminators to get rid of them. Ruthless reason suggests that I would have been smarter to kill the “wee beastie” than save it.
Is it just that they look so cute?
Deer also look adorably cute, with those big soft Bambi eyes. But they too are pests. Joan looked out the other morning and announced, “Look! The deer have stripped the bark off the weeping spruce again!”
She had been out the day before, weeding the flower bed around that tree. The bark was still undamaged then.
This is the second weeping spruce we’ve planted. The deer stripped the first one, two winters ago, by rubbing their horns against its trunk. I protected the second tree through its first winter by building a fortress of chicken wire around it, as impenetrable as most U.S. embassies in foreign countries.
But this year, I was one day late installing the fortress.
I regret to say that I muttered a string of undeleted expletives that once-President Richard Nixon might have envied.
The deer also nibbled the buds off all our roses. Ate all the foliage off a young cut-leaf maple. And chomped a thriving young hawthorn tree back to a hawthorn bush.
And yet I still get a thrill, watching them saunter across our lawn in the evening dusk.
Deer and mice are a mixed blessing. The story of creation says that God made all the creatures, and declared them good. But perhaps goodness depends on its interaction with other elements of creation.
The prophet Isaiah visualized lions and lambs lying down together. Ideally, he believed, all God’s creatures – including humans – should live together in harmony.
I’m willing to make some sacrifices, so that the animals can continue to thrive.
I just wish those animals would try equally hard to live in harmony with me.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – In a list of historical events, Jim Taylor found this. “JFK Announces Air and Navel Blockade of Cuba (1962)”
Dan Nighswander of Winnipeg, Manitoba found this in Rumors. "I’m a child of the 150s." He asks, “Is this the year or some sect I haven't heard about.”
Dan, it’s a sect known as “The Fraternal Fellowship of Obsolete Old Fogies,” and it has been mentioned from time to time here on Rumors. I was about to say, “its activities have been reported,” but since it doesn’t actually do anything, it’s hard to report on. And it doesn’t believe in anything except the menu for the next meal.
Stephani Keer got these from J. Leno.
* Dealers wanted to sell copiers, printers and fax machines. Real business with real prophets.
* Church panel applauds mandatory volunteering.
* Busy schedules hurt Overworkers Anonymous
* Dead couple kept to themselves
* For sale: House on private cuddle sac
* Electric hospital bed with trampoline, like new, $750
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
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Wish I’d Said That! – Change of opinion is often the progress of sound thought and growing knowledge.
source unknown via Mary in Oman
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Frank Fisher via Evelyn McLachlan
It is discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.
Noel Coward via Jim Taylor
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We Get Letters – George Brigham of Nottinghamshire, England writes: Your piece yesterday about United/Untied churches reminded me of one Palm Sunday long ago. We didn't know the young man who'd expressed an interest in training as a preacher was dyslexic. He read the story of the disciples going to the village to collect a colt very well, except that every time he should have read untie, or a variation of it, he read instead unite, hence:
“Unite it and bring it here. If anyone asks you, "Why are you uniting it?" tell him, "The Lord needs it." Those who were sent went ahead and found it just as he had told them. As they were uniting the colt, its owners asked them "Why are you uniting the colt?" They replied, "The Lord needs it."..... Luke 19.30b ff
Velia Watts of Edmonton, Alberta and her husband were travelling in the San Diego area. He was flipping around the web and came upon a listing for the “Church of Steel.” It is a tattoo parlor!!
Virginia Rickeman of Bethel, Maine writes: The "veterinarian" story may or may not be apocryphal. I live in a large old house given to our church nearly 50 years ago with the stipulation that the church use it as a parsonage. Those who bequeathed it to us were a man and his sister. He made his money on "girly shows" in the big bad city of Boston. His sister acted as his secretary. To my knowledge, the church had no qualms about accepting it....
I wonder if this has anything to do with the church needing to be in the world but not of it. I'm content to let God sort it all out.
Fran Ota got this from Anna Murdock who lives in the eastern US.
“My aunt had given me a box of about 40 little notebooks that once belonged to my grandfather (who was an obsessive/compulsive). They were all about the size of an IPOD and were crammed full of notes. Not just the days of his life, but the minutes and seconds as well.
“In one tiny notebook, he listed every single ache and pain that he had. Another notebook listed every chicken he ever owned, mentioned their names, what, how, when and where they died. Yet another one listed every article of clothing that he purchased, what size, the type of material, the date purchased and of course, how much he paid for them.
“But one of my very favorite books was labelled "Where I Keep Important Information". One entry read "The list of decent ministers is filed under 'D' in my files."
“Unfortunately, there was no "D" in his files!!!! "
Loretta Romankewicz writes: “I have another version of Sally drawing the Nativity Scene. There's a little fat man in the corner of her picture. When asked who that is, Sally replies, ‘That's Round John Virgin’."
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Character lines!”)
This from Jim Spinks:
* Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
* Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
* Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
* Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
* Gossip: Never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
* Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.
* Raisin: Grape with a sunburn.
* Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.
* Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
* Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.
* Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
* Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.
* Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.
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Bottom of the Barrel – This from Jay Sprout of St. Johnsbury, Vermont.
A burglar broke into a house and shined his flashlight around looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze. When he heard nothing more he continued his search for stuff worth stealing.
Then he heard again: "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically. Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird 'Moses'?"
"The kind that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Ruth 3:1-5; 4:13-17
(NOTE: If possible, the readers should be two women.)
Reader 1: This is the story of Ruth and Naomi. It’s found in the Bible in the book of Ruth.
Reader 2: It’s a powerful story about the courage, strength and faithfulness of two women who found themselves destitute and starving.
1: In biblical days, a woman had only two ways to find a home, security, food – all the things we take for granted. She was either some man’s daughter or some man’s wife. If she had some relatives they might help her out, but basically a woman on her own would simply starve. Ruth was not only a widow without relatives, she was a foreigner.
2: Two things need explaining before we start. Near the end of the story, Ruth goes and deliberately seduces a man named Boaz by uncovering his genitals while he is sleeping. In the story, it says Ruth uncovered his “feet,” but feet was a euphemism for genitals. You will need to decide for yourself whether she did something immoral.
1: The story is in the Bible, not because it’s a story of women’s courage, but because Ruth turns out to be the great, great grandmother of King David. And for Christians the story was important because Jesus traced his ancestry back to King David, and therefore back to a foreign widow named Ruth.
2: So. Are we ready to tell the story?
1: There was a terrible famine in the land of Judah. There had been no rain for years. Naomi’s husband decided to go to the land of Moab, where the harvests had been good. So Naomi, her husband and two sons, took the long walk to the land of Moab.
2: Things went fairly well in Moab. They hand enough to eat. And the two sons found wives. Things seemed to be just fine.
1: But then Naomi’s husband died. Soon after that, her two sons also died. And there was Naomi with her two daughter’s-in-law, Ruth and Orpah. Three widows, who had no way of earning a living.
2: In her desperation, Naomi announced that she was going to take the long walk back to Judah. “At least I have a few relatives there,” she said.
1: “We’re going with you,” said the two younger women.
2: “Don’t even think of it,” said Naomi. “Stay here. Here at least you have a few relatives that might help you. Here at least you might find new husbands.”
1: Orpah agreed. She kissed Naomi and headed back home.
2: But not Ruth. Ruth had developed a deep love for her mother-in-law. And she sang this song to Naomi.
1: Don’t ask me now to leave you
Or to return from following after you.
For wherever you go, I will go.
Wherever you live, I will live.
Your people shall me my people,
And your God, my God.
Where you die, there I will die,
And there will I be buried.
I swear. May God be my witness and my judge,
If anything but death,
Keeps us apart.
2: And so Ruth went with Naomi back to Judah. The famine was over and things were a little better there now, but still, the only thing that kept the two women alive was Ruth out in the grain fields, gleaning, picking up whatever little heads of grain had been left by the harvester. It was backbreaking work, but Ruth was determined to keep her and her mother-in-law alive.
1: Naomi knew it was a only a temporary solution. When the harvest was over, there would be nothing. So she hatched a plan to have Ruth deliberately seduce a distant cousin of hers, a man named Boaz. If it worked, Boaz would marry Ruth and everything would be fine again.
2: And that is where today’s scripture reading begins. A reading from the book of Ruth.
(SHORT PAUSE)
1: Naomi, Ruth’s mother-in-law, spoke to her.
2: "My daughter, I need to seek some security for you, so that it may be well with you. Now here is our kinsman Boaz, with whose young women you have been gleaning grain. See, he is winnowing barley tonight at the threshing floor. Now wash and anoint yourself, and put on your best clothes and go down to the threshing floor; but do not make yourself known to Boaz until he has finished eating and drinking. When he lies down, observe the place where he lies; then, go and uncover his feet and lie down; and he will tell you what to do."
1:"All that you tell me I will do."
2: So Boaz took Ruth and she became his wife. When they came together, God made her conceive, and she bore a son.
1: Then the women said to Naomi:
2: "Blessed be God, who has not left you this day without next-of-kin. May God’s name be renowned in Israel! This newborn child shall be to you a restorer of life and a nourisher of your old age; for your daughter-in-law who loves you, who is more to you than seven sons, has borne him."
1: Then Naomi took the child and laid him in her bosom, and became his nurse.
2: The women of the neighborhood gave the baby a name, saying, "A child has been born to Naomi."
1: They named the baby Obed. He became the father of Jesse, the father of David.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-11-01
November 1, 2009
A DEEPLY TOUCHING STORY
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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If you need Rumors a day or two early from time to time, please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog, usually during the last half of the week previous. Or if an issue of Rumors goes missing, or you need a back issue, you can go and find it there.
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The Story – two courageous women
Rumors – Boaz remembers
Soft Edges – people and pests
Bloopers – on a private cuddle sac
We Get Letters – church of steel
Mirabile Dictu! – character lines
Bottom of the Barrel – Jesus is watching
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Ruth 3:1-5; 4:13-17
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – This from Bob Buchanan.
A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does your father say when the family sits down to dinner?"
"Dad says, 'Go easy on the butter, kids, its three dollars a pound!'"
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These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, November 8, 2009 which is Proper 26 [31] which is also All Saints Day.
* Ruth 3:1-5; 4:13-17 or1 Kings 17:8-16
* Psalm 127 or Psalm 146
* Hebrews 9:24-28
* Mark 12:38-44
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Ruth 3:1-5; 4:13-17
Ralph says –
The story of Ruth and Naomi is one of the most moving and powerful sagas in the Bible, because it tells the story of the courage of two women who are caught in a male-oriented system. In this part of the story, Naomi instructs Ruth to deliberately seduce Boaz (“feet” is a euphemism for genitals) because otherwise they will face starvation. Only two snippets of this story are included in the lectionary. It deserves more attention and it is my choice for the story this week even though there is an equally powerful story of the “widow’s mite” in the gospel. If I were preaching, I’d find a way to connect the two, perhaps to talk about the way your perception of morality changes when your back is up against the wall.
If I were going to preach the story of Ruth and Naomi, I would use the children’s version from the Lectionary Story Bible, Year B, page 220, because it tells the whole Ruth and Naomi story. The story is also summarized in the Reader’s Theatre version of scripture, and you could excerpt just that even if you don’t plan to use the whole Reader’s Theatre thing.
Either way, please tell the story. This week’s lectionary selection doesn’t really make much sense without that context.
There is also a monologue, “Boaz Remembers” under “Rumors.” It is not intended for, nor would it be understood by, children. Its best use would be in a study group looking at the story, but it does give some insight into the reality of a widow’s life in biblical days.
Jim says –
To me, the story of Naomi and Ruth is one of the most touching in the Bible. It’s right up there with the Parable of the Prodigal Son.
But I think that most presentations of the story
a) deal with only small fragments of it
b) make Naomi far too nice.
When I read the whole story, beginning to end, I see Naomi as rather embittered by her losses – understandably, since she lost not just her husband, but both sons too. With no male head-of-household, she was a total nobody.
So she decided to return home, where she could at least throw herself under the umbrella of some more distant male relatives. Yes, she tries to persuade her daughters-in-law to stay in their home country, but I wonder if that’s genuine self-sacrifice, or an episode of the “oh, poor me!” blues.
But she must have been a lovable woman once, for Ruth to stick with her.
Then, when they got back to Naomi’s home, Naomi manipulates Ruth to seduce Boaz, an unmarried kin. The climax of the story (Chapter 4:16-17) is that Naomi now has a grandson. She got what she had wanted all along. Her lineage would continue.
Of course, we can see further into the future – that lineage will eventually come to flower in King David.
Psalm 127:1-5 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
In the wisdom of the psalmist's time, children offered the only social security most families had; barrenness was considered a curse. Today, many people choose not to have children, and governments provide the social security.
1 The road of life takes many tricky turns;
you never know what crisis waits around the corner.
2 Each day has only 24 hours;
You cannot accomplish any more by burning candles at both ends;
You will only burn yourself out.
But God knows what you can do, and God will give you the strength you need.
3 God gives family and friends to sustain us when we weaken;
4 They are our insurance against the future.
5 Treat everyone as a friend,
and you will never lack for support when you need it.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Hebrews 9:24-28 – The passage seems to be around knowing the difference between a sacrifice that is real, and those which are unreal. And it has to do with cost. The ritual sacrifices of the priests cost them nothing, whereas Jesus’ sacrifice cost him everything.
Mark 12:38-44 – Two real incidents come immediately to mind. The two women involved are both dead. In one tiny, struggling congregation where Bev served during her first years in ministry, a woman in the community would make a grand entrance to the church twice a year, and each time would put a cheque for several thousand dollars on the offering plate, even though Bev said to her on one occasion, “We don’t want your money. We want you.”
In another congregation, a woman attended church faithfully and involved herself in the work of the church as much as she was able. Rachel suffered significant handicaps herself and was a single mother with two handicapped children. She lived on welfare which was inadequate for her most basic needs and even less so considering her handicapped children.
And Rachel tithed. Only Bev, who helped her set up a budget, knew that. From the little she had, Rachel tithed, even though Bev suggested she might give less. “If I don’t do that part right,” she said, “nothing else works.” Rachel tithed faithfully, year after year until she died.
So this incident in Mark’s gospel is realty for me. It’s about real people I have known.
There’s a children’s version of the whole story of Ruth and Naomi in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 220 and the “Poor Woman’s Gift” on page 225.
If you don’t own a set of “The Lectionary Story Bible,” click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – An Aggada based on the book of Ruth
Boaz remembers. . .
The story of Ruth who had no other options
by Ralph Milton
I am a decent man. I have a reputation to maintain. I live a decent life and say my prayers daily. I thank God for many things, and most especially I say the prayer prescribed for all Jewish men, “Thank God that I was not born a woman.”
Mostly I steer clear of women. They spell nothing but trouble, and in a small town like Bethlehem, there are no secrets.
So when I woke in the middle of the night, naked, my cloak pulled up to my chest, a shudder of fear ran through me. And then, in the darkness, I became aware of a woman beside me. I could hear her breathing. I could feel the warmth of her body. I knew I was in trouble. Deep trouble. My head was pounding and I felt sick to the stomach, from fear and too much to drink. What kind of mess have I gotten myself into?
It was the last night of the threshing season. Big celebration. Lots of good food and lots and lots of wine, and everyone ate and drank and partied till the wee small hours, until they passed out somewhere on the threshing floor. And yes, a lot of men and women got mixed up with each other – they do every year – but I always thought of myself as too smart to fall into that trap.
Now this. And I didn’t even know who this woman was. It was the middle of the night. She put her face close to mine and whispered, “I am Ruth.”
“Ruth? Ruth who? I don’t know any Ruth.”
“I am Ruth, the woman from Moab. I am the daughter-in-law of Naomi, your kinswoman. You were very kind to me and helped me glean grain from your fields. You protected me and gave me food.”
Then the whole thing came clear to me. I do her a favor. She pays me back by giving me her body.
“Damn,” I whispered loudly. Then more quietly because I didn’t want to wake up any of the other drunken bodies scattered around the threshing floor – “I thought you were something more than a prostitute. Do you think I let you glean in the fields just so I could get you into the sack?”
I could feel her stiffen and sit up. “I should have known. I should have bloody well known that no man would understand this.”
“Quiet,” I whispered. “You’ll wake everybody up.”
“Let them wake up,” Ruth hissed. “And I’ll give them a little lecture about what it’s like being a woman. A woman is just half a human, remember. I have no rights. I have no place I can go back to, and no place I can go forward to. I am a foreigner in this country, I am a widow, I have no father and no sons. All I have is a mother-in-law who schemes and plans and figures that if I come here and seduce you, maybe you’ll marry me. But you wouldn’t know what it’s like to have your back against the wall, to have no options, no choices and no hope. It’s no wonder you men pray, ‘Thank God I was not born a woman.’ I would too. Men have all the power and all the choices and I have no power and no choices except the power of sex and so I turn myself into a prostitute in the wild hope that you might marry me.”
I couldn’t see her in the dark but I could feel her anger and her pain. And I could remember her face. I had seen the grim determination in her eyes and in her body as she worked in the blazing sun from early morning till late at night, breaking her back to pick up the few little heads of grain missed by the harvesters. And I had heard her story gossiped in the streets of Bethlehem, how hope had turned to pain and death in her native Moab, of her dedication to her mother-in-law. I had envied her courage, her strength, her commitment. Now I could hear her deep and angry breathing as she sat there beside me on the threshing floor.
She was right, of course. Part of my daily prayer was to say, “Thank God I was not born a woman,” and now, suddenly, I knew why. I was far too weak to be a woman. I would long ago have been crushed by the pain and circumstance Ruth and Naomi had faced. “Thank God I was not born a woman,” because I could never do what Ruth had done, simply to stay alive. Nor did I have the loyalty and commitment she had showed, when she followed Naomi into a strange and distant land.
And then I knew I needed Ruth. Not for the sex and not for the comfort but for the sheer strength and will and hope that lives in such a person.
“Ruth,” I said. “If I can work it out, will you marry me?”
“No,” she said. “If it means death, so be it, but I won’t sell myself again, just to survive.”
“Not for your sake, Ruth. For mine. I have power, but you have strength. As a male, I have rights, but you have purpose. Without you, I am incomplete.”
There was a long, long silence. Then in the darkness of that threshing floor, she took my hand.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
People and Pests
Our cat Joey caught a mouse the other day. Joey generally prefers occupying my lounge chair in front of the fireplace to catching mice. In fact, in the two years we’ve had him, this is the first time I’ve seen him catch anything other than his tail in the door.
Joan looked out, and saw Joey playing with something. He grabbed it in his mouth, flung it in the air, pounced on it, then flung it in the air and pounced again...
I went out to check. Joey had a mouse. A small, wet, beslobbered, utterly terrified little mouse. The words of Scottish poet Robbie Burns fitted well:
“Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim'rous beastie, Oh, what a panic's in thy breastie!”
I intervened. I grabbed Joey and held him back.
The mouse, suddenly released from torment, looked around desperately with its beady black eyes. Then it scuttled for the closest shelter, which happened to be – I still find this hard to believe – between Joey’s legs. Under Joey’s belly.
It makes me wonder why biologists would choose mice for testing intelligence.
It also makes me wonder why I should bother protecting a mouse. Mice are, after all, pests. We hire exterminators to get rid of them. Ruthless reason suggests that I would have been smarter to kill the “wee beastie” than save it.
Is it just that they look so cute?
Deer also look adorably cute, with those big soft Bambi eyes. But they too are pests. Joan looked out the other morning and announced, “Look! The deer have stripped the bark off the weeping spruce again!”
She had been out the day before, weeding the flower bed around that tree. The bark was still undamaged then.
This is the second weeping spruce we’ve planted. The deer stripped the first one, two winters ago, by rubbing their horns against its trunk. I protected the second tree through its first winter by building a fortress of chicken wire around it, as impenetrable as most U.S. embassies in foreign countries.
But this year, I was one day late installing the fortress.
I regret to say that I muttered a string of undeleted expletives that once-President Richard Nixon might have envied.
The deer also nibbled the buds off all our roses. Ate all the foliage off a young cut-leaf maple. And chomped a thriving young hawthorn tree back to a hawthorn bush.
And yet I still get a thrill, watching them saunter across our lawn in the evening dusk.
Deer and mice are a mixed blessing. The story of creation says that God made all the creatures, and declared them good. But perhaps goodness depends on its interaction with other elements of creation.
The prophet Isaiah visualized lions and lambs lying down together. Ideally, he believed, all God’s creatures – including humans – should live together in harmony.
I’m willing to make some sacrifices, so that the animals can continue to thrive.
I just wish those animals would try equally hard to live in harmony with me.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – In a list of historical events, Jim Taylor found this. “JFK Announces Air and Navel Blockade of Cuba (1962)”
Dan Nighswander of Winnipeg, Manitoba found this in Rumors. "I’m a child of the 150s." He asks, “Is this the year or some sect I haven't heard about.”
Dan, it’s a sect known as “The Fraternal Fellowship of Obsolete Old Fogies,” and it has been mentioned from time to time here on Rumors. I was about to say, “its activities have been reported,” but since it doesn’t actually do anything, it’s hard to report on. And it doesn’t believe in anything except the menu for the next meal.
Stephani Keer got these from J. Leno.
* Dealers wanted to sell copiers, printers and fax machines. Real business with real prophets.
* Church panel applauds mandatory volunteering.
* Busy schedules hurt Overworkers Anonymous
* Dead couple kept to themselves
* For sale: House on private cuddle sac
* Electric hospital bed with trampoline, like new, $750
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
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Wish I’d Said That! – Change of opinion is often the progress of sound thought and growing knowledge.
source unknown via Mary in Oman
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Frank Fisher via Evelyn McLachlan
It is discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.
Noel Coward via Jim Taylor
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We Get Letters – George Brigham of Nottinghamshire, England writes: Your piece yesterday about United/Untied churches reminded me of one Palm Sunday long ago. We didn't know the young man who'd expressed an interest in training as a preacher was dyslexic. He read the story of the disciples going to the village to collect a colt very well, except that every time he should have read untie, or a variation of it, he read instead unite, hence:
“Unite it and bring it here. If anyone asks you, "Why are you uniting it?" tell him, "The Lord needs it." Those who were sent went ahead and found it just as he had told them. As they were uniting the colt, its owners asked them "Why are you uniting the colt?" They replied, "The Lord needs it."..... Luke 19.30b ff
Velia Watts of Edmonton, Alberta and her husband were travelling in the San Diego area. He was flipping around the web and came upon a listing for the “Church of Steel.” It is a tattoo parlor!!
Virginia Rickeman of Bethel, Maine writes: The "veterinarian" story may or may not be apocryphal. I live in a large old house given to our church nearly 50 years ago with the stipulation that the church use it as a parsonage. Those who bequeathed it to us were a man and his sister. He made his money on "girly shows" in the big bad city of Boston. His sister acted as his secretary. To my knowledge, the church had no qualms about accepting it....
I wonder if this has anything to do with the church needing to be in the world but not of it. I'm content to let God sort it all out.
Fran Ota got this from Anna Murdock who lives in the eastern US.
“My aunt had given me a box of about 40 little notebooks that once belonged to my grandfather (who was an obsessive/compulsive). They were all about the size of an IPOD and were crammed full of notes. Not just the days of his life, but the minutes and seconds as well.
“In one tiny notebook, he listed every single ache and pain that he had. Another notebook listed every chicken he ever owned, mentioned their names, what, how, when and where they died. Yet another one listed every article of clothing that he purchased, what size, the type of material, the date purchased and of course, how much he paid for them.
“But one of my very favorite books was labelled "Where I Keep Important Information". One entry read "The list of decent ministers is filed under 'D' in my files."
“Unfortunately, there was no "D" in his files!!!! "
Loretta Romankewicz writes: “I have another version of Sally drawing the Nativity Scene. There's a little fat man in the corner of her picture. When asked who that is, Sally replies, ‘That's Round John Virgin’."
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Character lines!”)
This from Jim Spinks:
* Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
* Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
* Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
* Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
* Gossip: Never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
* Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.
* Raisin: Grape with a sunburn.
* Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.
* Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
* Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.
* Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
* Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.
* Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.
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Bottom of the Barrel – This from Jay Sprout of St. Johnsbury, Vermont.
A burglar broke into a house and shined his flashlight around looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze. When he heard nothing more he continued his search for stuff worth stealing.
Then he heard again: "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically. Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird 'Moses'?"
"The kind that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Ruth 3:1-5; 4:13-17
(NOTE: If possible, the readers should be two women.)
Reader 1: This is the story of Ruth and Naomi. It’s found in the Bible in the book of Ruth.
Reader 2: It’s a powerful story about the courage, strength and faithfulness of two women who found themselves destitute and starving.
1: In biblical days, a woman had only two ways to find a home, security, food – all the things we take for granted. She was either some man’s daughter or some man’s wife. If she had some relatives they might help her out, but basically a woman on her own would simply starve. Ruth was not only a widow without relatives, she was a foreigner.
2: Two things need explaining before we start. Near the end of the story, Ruth goes and deliberately seduces a man named Boaz by uncovering his genitals while he is sleeping. In the story, it says Ruth uncovered his “feet,” but feet was a euphemism for genitals. You will need to decide for yourself whether she did something immoral.
1: The story is in the Bible, not because it’s a story of women’s courage, but because Ruth turns out to be the great, great grandmother of King David. And for Christians the story was important because Jesus traced his ancestry back to King David, and therefore back to a foreign widow named Ruth.
2: So. Are we ready to tell the story?
1: There was a terrible famine in the land of Judah. There had been no rain for years. Naomi’s husband decided to go to the land of Moab, where the harvests had been good. So Naomi, her husband and two sons, took the long walk to the land of Moab.
2: Things went fairly well in Moab. They hand enough to eat. And the two sons found wives. Things seemed to be just fine.
1: But then Naomi’s husband died. Soon after that, her two sons also died. And there was Naomi with her two daughter’s-in-law, Ruth and Orpah. Three widows, who had no way of earning a living.
2: In her desperation, Naomi announced that she was going to take the long walk back to Judah. “At least I have a few relatives there,” she said.
1: “We’re going with you,” said the two younger women.
2: “Don’t even think of it,” said Naomi. “Stay here. Here at least you have a few relatives that might help you. Here at least you might find new husbands.”
1: Orpah agreed. She kissed Naomi and headed back home.
2: But not Ruth. Ruth had developed a deep love for her mother-in-law. And she sang this song to Naomi.
1: Don’t ask me now to leave you
Or to return from following after you.
For wherever you go, I will go.
Wherever you live, I will live.
Your people shall me my people,
And your God, my God.
Where you die, there I will die,
And there will I be buried.
I swear. May God be my witness and my judge,
If anything but death,
Keeps us apart.
2: And so Ruth went with Naomi back to Judah. The famine was over and things were a little better there now, but still, the only thing that kept the two women alive was Ruth out in the grain fields, gleaning, picking up whatever little heads of grain had been left by the harvester. It was backbreaking work, but Ruth was determined to keep her and her mother-in-law alive.
1: Naomi knew it was a only a temporary solution. When the harvest was over, there would be nothing. So she hatched a plan to have Ruth deliberately seduce a distant cousin of hers, a man named Boaz. If it worked, Boaz would marry Ruth and everything would be fine again.
2: And that is where today’s scripture reading begins. A reading from the book of Ruth.
(SHORT PAUSE)
1: Naomi, Ruth’s mother-in-law, spoke to her.
2: "My daughter, I need to seek some security for you, so that it may be well with you. Now here is our kinsman Boaz, with whose young women you have been gleaning grain. See, he is winnowing barley tonight at the threshing floor. Now wash and anoint yourself, and put on your best clothes and go down to the threshing floor; but do not make yourself known to Boaz until he has finished eating and drinking. When he lies down, observe the place where he lies; then, go and uncover his feet and lie down; and he will tell you what to do."
1:"All that you tell me I will do."
2: So Boaz took Ruth and she became his wife. When they came together, God made her conceive, and she bore a son.
1: Then the women said to Naomi:
2: "Blessed be God, who has not left you this day without next-of-kin. May God’s name be renowned in Israel! This newborn child shall be to you a restorer of life and a nourisher of your old age; for your daughter-in-law who loves you, who is more to you than seven sons, has borne him."
1: Then Naomi took the child and laid him in her bosom, and became his nurse.
2: The women of the neighborhood gave the baby a name, saying, "A child has been born to Naomi."
1: They named the baby Obed. He became the father of Jesse, the father of David.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Preaching Materials for November 1, 2009
R U M O R S #573
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-10-25
October 25, 2009
FUNDAMENTALS OF THE FAITH
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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NOTE: From time to time we get letters asking if I could get Rumors out a little earlier for those who need to plan ahead. When Jim and I looked at this as realistically as possible, the best we could do is point you to the blog. You’ll find Rumors posted there anytime during the last half of the week. Occasionally as late as Saturday night, more often as early as Wednesday afternoon. This one is going in on Thursday night. Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list…
http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
…and check there if you need it earlier.
And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.
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The Story – the central verb
Rumors – being right
Soft Edges – giving up our roads
Bloopers – the untied cruch
We Get Letters – shampoo in a bird bath
Mirabile Dictu! – thumpitty thump thump
Bottom of the Barrel – the thousand dollar offering
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Mark 12:28-34
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – Little Jessica knew all about angels and halos.
“The halos are little circles over their heads, and angels have to walk carefully and they have to walk slowly, so the halos don’t get crooked.”
“What do the angels do if the halo falls off?” asked Jessica’s mom.
“They go to Wal-Mart and they buy another one.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, November 1st, which is Proper 26 [31]
* Ruth 1:1-18 or Deuteronomy 6:1-9
* Psalm 146 or Psalm 119:1-8
* Hebrews 9:11-14
* Mark 12:28-34
If you are observing All Saints Day on November 1st, these are the readings:
* Wisdom of Solomon 3:1-9 or Isaiah 25:6-9
* Psalm 24
* Revelation 21:1-6a
* John 11:32-44
Ruth 1:1-18 – This is episode one of the Ruth and Naomi saga – a story of power and drama that deserves more attention than we’ve given it. We’re suggesting that it be given major attention next week. That way we can tell the whole story in one piece.
But we might excerpt that beautiful poem that Ruth says to Naomi. Bev and I, like so many couples, had that read at our wedding 51 years ago, even though the minister objected that it was between two women. That didn’t matter to us then and it matters even less now when we know that the love between two women can be everything that the love between a man and a woman can be.
It’s as much sentimentality as anything that has me liking the King James version, but the new Inclusive Bible comes close.
Where you go, I will go;
Where you lodge, I will lodge.
Your people will be my people,
And your God, my God.
Where you die, I’ll die there too,
And I will be buried there beside you.
I swear, may YHWH be my witness and my judge –
That not even death will keep us apart.
Psalm 146 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 Who can you trust these days?
Only God. Forever and ever.
2 You can put your faith in God as long as you live.
God will never let you down.
3 Do not put your trust in any government.
You cannot count on them.
4 Human life is short, but governments are shorter.
With each election, their policies change;
their promises dry up faster than morning dew.
5 Put your trust in God;
for eternal confidence,
count on the one who knows eternity.
6 What human agency can claim to have created the earth?
What human agency can claim to care for it?
7 Look and see those whom God chooses to help:
To feed the hungry; to set free the prisoners;
8 To give sight to the blind; to let the lame walk;
to grant liberty to the oppressed;
9 Those who always take care of their own concerns
are brought down by their own ambitions.
God cares for the strangers, the widows, the orphans–
God watches over those who cannot watch out for themselves.
10 Can any human authority make that claim?
That is why God rules over all creation.
Trust in God forever!
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Hebrews 9:11-14 – I don’t pretend to understand the Hebrew sacrificial system. The whole culture seems to have been living with a huge sense of guilt. Maybe we could do with a bit of that – a sense that we do carry the blame for what is happening in the world especially the suffering from several diseases and starvation n Africa.
And I’m quite sure, if we really wanted to, we could find a better solution than killing an animal or a human, even if the human was Jesus of Nazareth.
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Mark 12:28-34
Jim sends his regrets. For several good reasons, he’s not able to provide us with his “blurb” this week.
Ralph says –
There’s a cultural difference that pops out at me reading this passage. In first century Jewish culture (and many others) religious discussion was a bit like a tennis match. In this particular passage, Jesus aces the scribes and the game is over. No one dared to challenge Jesus to another match. Jesus wins and gloats. The others lose and slink away into the shadows feeling humiliated and defeated.
Thinking of it that way bothers many of us. We’d argue that such discussions should not be about verbal jousting – not about winning and losing – but about discovering the truth.
And the truth Jesus articulates here is fundamental – foundational – and any concern about who was winning and who was losing would only distract us.
The verb in both of Jesus’ declarations is “love.” And the opportunity here is not to define “love” at great length but to tell stories of love in real life. Especially stories of the love of neighbor – miserable, cranky, hard-to-love neighbors – which can be really tough at times.
In the best-selling novel, “The Shack” by Paul Young, the grieving angry father whose young daughter had been abducted, raped and murdered, has to learn how to love his own father who abused him, God, who allowed it all to happen, and finally, the man who killed his daughter. The love does not imply liking, or accepting, but is the essence of forgiveness that makes it possible for the man to live again.
The story of Ruth and Naomi, “Two Brave Women” is found in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 220. You might use this on either November 1 or 8, because that’s the two Sundays on which the story occurs in the lectionary. We are suggesting the full story on the 8th.
A story based on the gospel reading, “The Most Important Rules” is found on page 223.
If you don’t yet own this set of three children’s Bible story books, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – Among the life-changing experiences that I’ve known was six weeks of study in Israel some years ago. For myself, I brought back only one memento – aside from a head full of new ideas and insights.
I brought for myself a mezuzah. That’s the little container which practicing Jews nail to their doorpost. It contains a little slip of paper on which is printed, in Hebrew, the Shema. “Hear O Israel, the Lord your God is one, and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and mind.”
I found myself filled with a deep emotion as I nailed it to the inside door of my home here in Kelowna. I know I will take it with me wherever I move.
Perhaps it has to do with connections. Connections to that vast and holy tradition that was seared by the desert sun into a faith that provides the essence of life, if only we would take it, apply it, believe it, live it, be it.
Or maybe it had to do with answers. Here is one good, solid answer I can stick on my door post, and touch it each time I go out into the world, to remind me that I “know.”
In this week’s Gospel reading, the Sadducee baits Jesus. Jesus gives a traditional response with some elaborations. The Sadducee says, “Hey! You got it right!” Then Jesus pats the Sadducee on the head saying, “And you’re getting warm.”
Are they playing the traditional men’s game of “being right”?
I’ve heard it called the “men’s disease” – the need to have an “answer” for every question even if we have to make one up on the spot. I’d like to claim I don’t suffer from that particular affliction, but several women in my life read this essay. They might even argue that writers and editors give vocational expression to that syndrome.
Jim Taylor once had a bumper sticker which read, “Editors have the last word.”
Another colleague, which shall remain nameless, insists that research has been done which proves that a man’s penis actually shrinks when he says, “I don’t know.” Be that as it may, it is true that most men have a strong personal need to “know” and to be “right.”
Is that why I tacked that mezuzah to my door? Like that Sadducee, I have the right answer. I know!
As long as I don’t open that mezuzah and read the Shema – as long as I don’t remember that the operative word is “love,” I can live with that fantasy.
Like the Sadducee, I live with the painful, hopeful sadness. I am “not far from the Kingdom.”
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Giving Up Our Roads
Somewhere along the way, we made a terrible mistake.
That realization came to me the other night, as I was walking the dog down the centre of a deserted road. You would think, to look at the blacktop rolled out so authoritatively, that the road had been here forever. But when you see that it wiggles to avoid trees that have stood in that place longer than the road has existed, when you see how it detours around rock outcrops, you realize that the road is a relative latecomer.
In fact, most of our roads were foot trails long before they were roads. That’s particularly evident in old cities – like, say, London, England – where any resemblance to a grid system is laughable.
The evolution of roads is most visible in unplanned communities like Bonavista, in Newfoundland. The first houses were built by fishermen, along the beach. Then merchants and tradespeople built houses on the marshland behind the beach. Wherever they could find lumps of higher ground, naturally. Paths evolved to connect the houses.
Today, those wandering footpaths have become streets. A map of Bonavista resembles a child’s random scribbles.
Because the roads were never planned as roads.
Neither were most of ours. People walked those trails first. Later came horses and carts, but human feet still had the right of way.
And then, somehow, we ceded our rights to the car. Now we have to get out of their way.
Instead, we build special roadways for pedestrians. We call them sidewalks – places where people can walk without fear of being run down by a four-wheeled, gas-guzzling tin can that weighs two tons.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m a child of the 150s – I love cars. But I worry that we have granted them a godlike status they don’t deserve.
The situation reminds me of the biblical story of Jacob and Esau. Esau, you may remember, was the older brother. By law and tradition, he would inherit his father’s lands.
But Jacob felt jealous. So one day when Esau came home from hunting, ravenous, Jacob tempted him with a simmering pot of savoury stew. “If you want this,” Jacob bargained, “give me your birthright.”
Esau thought it was a joke. “Sure,” he said, knowing that mere words could not alter the fact that he was his father’s firstborn.
Except that, in the end, he did lose his birthright.
So did we.
We gave up our right to own the roads. We allowed gimlet-eyed drivers, right foot firmly planted on the gas pedal, obsessed with getting to their destination a few seconds sooner – a tribe to which I often belong – to usurp our rightful place.
Not only is the car a primary user of carbon-based fuel, it has become a parasite that has invaded our body politic. Life without the car has become unimaginable.
The dog and I squeeze over onto the shoulder as a car roars by. I think I know how Esau might have felt.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Susan Heydt reports that a church in her community last Sunday the choir was slated to sing "Sin Ye, Joyfully."
Susan, is that anything like Luther’s injunction to “sin boldly” that’s so often quoted out of context?
Lois Carey of North Bay, Ontario, saw an announcement about a “goad to support this fund in 2009.”
Well Lois, many congregations need a fair bit of goading.
Elisabeth Jones of Montreal says she did this herself some years ago when she was a church secretary in Calgary. She advertised a Lenten Bible Study which would “explore
Jesus' journey to the cross via the Road to Calgary."
On another occasion, Elisabeth typed a note about an event called, "The Future of the Untied Church"
Elisabeth, one of the things that unites all those churches that have “United” in their names is that it has been typed as “untied” many times. I’ve gone one step further myself and found myself writing about the “untied cruch.”
Do you suppose the Spirit is trying to tell us something?
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
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Wish I’d Said That! – It's faith in something and enthusiasm for something that makes a life worth living.
source unknown via Margaret Wood
Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each.
Henry David Thoreau via Mary of Bahrain
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
Mark Twain via Mary of Bahrain
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We Get Letters – This section of Rumors serves as a place to put stuff that doesn’t really fit anywhere else. Such as this note from Cliff Boldt of Courtnay, BC. He says, “Churchill got around calling people liars when he coined the phrase ‘terminological inexactitude.’”
Velia Watts of Edmonton, Alberta writes: “A church acquaintance tells a story about her four-year-old granddaughter. She was questioning a younger cousin as to whether he had been baptized.”
“He didn't know what that meant so she explained it all to him: ‘It's when this guy picks you up and gives you a shampoo in a bird bath.’”
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “thumpitty thump thump!”)
This piece called “Martin the German” by Chris P. Matthy comes from April Dailey and somebody named N. Martin. April says it’s for “10/25 Reformation Sunday for us Lutheran Types.”
Because my weird mind always makes the most inappropriate connections, the last verse of this recalls the student who declared in a term paper that Luther “nailed his feces to the church door.” Never mind. Just sing it and don’t think of such things.
(to the tune of “Frosty the Snowman”)
Martin the German was a sorry, mixed up soul,
‘Cause he thought it odd that a loving God
Would condemn him straight to hell.
Martin the German even took a sacred vow
When a lightning strike nearly took his life
But St. Anne stepped in somehow.
It must have seemed like magic when
Old Habakkuk he found,
‘Cause when he read God saves by faith
He began to dance around.
O, Martin the German felt reborn again that day,
And he spread the word from old Wittenberg
All the way to Rome, they say.
Thumpitty thump thump, thumpitty thump thump,
Nail them to the door;
Thumpitty thump thump, thumpitty thump thump,
Hear those Theses roar!
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Bottom of the Barrel – Fred Brailey of Orangeville, Ontario sends this probably apocryphal item, and wonders whether the church can accept such ill-gotten gains. Fred, in the church where I worship, we’ve not had a lot of trouble with people putting thousand dollar offerings on the plate.
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am,” he said. “I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate." "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" "$10,000 a week." "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," "That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" "In Nevada,” the little old lady said proudly. “He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno "
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Mark 12:28-34
Reader 1: It sounds like a tennis match.
Reader 2: What sounds like a tennis match?
1: The scripture we’re supposed to read today.
2: Where do you get that? It’s Jesus talking to a bunch of Sadducees.
1: Sure, but it’s the traditional men’s game. Let’s prove that I am smarter than you. The clue is in the first verse. “Seeing that he answered them well.” And then in the last verse. Jesus serves an ace and it’s game over. It says it right there. “After that no one dared to ask him any question.”
2: Well, maybe. But you are missing the point of the passage. It’s not about who beats who in a debating game. Or at least, that shouldn’t matter to us now. It’s that Jesus gets down to the bare bones fundamental. The basic idea that is the foundation of the Christian faith. Love of God and love of neighbor. You don’t get more foundational than that.
1: In other words, if we don’t get today’s passage memorized and plugged into our psyche, we’re going to fry in hell?
2: You’re being ridiculous and you know it. Read the passage.
1: OK, OK.
SLIGHT PAUSE1: One of the scribes came near and heard them disputing with one another. Seeing that Jesus answered them well, the scribe asked him, "Which commandment is the first of all?"2: "The first is, 'Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God, the Lord is one; you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.' The second is this, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these."1: "You are right, Teacher; you have truly said that 'he is one, and besides him there is no other'; and 'to love him with all the heart, and with all the understanding, and with all the strength,' and 'to love one's neighbor as oneself,' – this is much more important than all whole burnt offerings and sacrifices."2: "You are not far from the kingdom of God."
1: After that no one dared to ask him any question.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-10-25
October 25, 2009
FUNDAMENTALS OF THE FAITH
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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NOTE: From time to time we get letters asking if I could get Rumors out a little earlier for those who need to plan ahead. When Jim and I looked at this as realistically as possible, the best we could do is point you to the blog. You’ll find Rumors posted there anytime during the last half of the week. Occasionally as late as Saturday night, more often as early as Wednesday afternoon. This one is going in on Thursday night. Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list…
http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
…and check there if you need it earlier.
And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.
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The Story – the central verb
Rumors – being right
Soft Edges – giving up our roads
Bloopers – the untied cruch
We Get Letters – shampoo in a bird bath
Mirabile Dictu! – thumpitty thump thump
Bottom of the Barrel – the thousand dollar offering
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Mark 12:28-34
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – Little Jessica knew all about angels and halos.
“The halos are little circles over their heads, and angels have to walk carefully and they have to walk slowly, so the halos don’t get crooked.”
“What do the angels do if the halo falls off?” asked Jessica’s mom.
“They go to Wal-Mart and they buy another one.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, November 1st, which is Proper 26 [31]
* Ruth 1:1-18 or Deuteronomy 6:1-9
* Psalm 146 or Psalm 119:1-8
* Hebrews 9:11-14
* Mark 12:28-34
If you are observing All Saints Day on November 1st, these are the readings:
* Wisdom of Solomon 3:1-9 or Isaiah 25:6-9
* Psalm 24
* Revelation 21:1-6a
* John 11:32-44
Ruth 1:1-18 – This is episode one of the Ruth and Naomi saga – a story of power and drama that deserves more attention than we’ve given it. We’re suggesting that it be given major attention next week. That way we can tell the whole story in one piece.
But we might excerpt that beautiful poem that Ruth says to Naomi. Bev and I, like so many couples, had that read at our wedding 51 years ago, even though the minister objected that it was between two women. That didn’t matter to us then and it matters even less now when we know that the love between two women can be everything that the love between a man and a woman can be.
It’s as much sentimentality as anything that has me liking the King James version, but the new Inclusive Bible comes close.
Where you go, I will go;
Where you lodge, I will lodge.
Your people will be my people,
And your God, my God.
Where you die, I’ll die there too,
And I will be buried there beside you.
I swear, may YHWH be my witness and my judge –
That not even death will keep us apart.
Psalm 146 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 Who can you trust these days?
Only God. Forever and ever.
2 You can put your faith in God as long as you live.
God will never let you down.
3 Do not put your trust in any government.
You cannot count on them.
4 Human life is short, but governments are shorter.
With each election, their policies change;
their promises dry up faster than morning dew.
5 Put your trust in God;
for eternal confidence,
count on the one who knows eternity.
6 What human agency can claim to have created the earth?
What human agency can claim to care for it?
7 Look and see those whom God chooses to help:
To feed the hungry; to set free the prisoners;
8 To give sight to the blind; to let the lame walk;
to grant liberty to the oppressed;
9 Those who always take care of their own concerns
are brought down by their own ambitions.
God cares for the strangers, the widows, the orphans–
God watches over those who cannot watch out for themselves.
10 Can any human authority make that claim?
That is why God rules over all creation.
Trust in God forever!
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Hebrews 9:11-14 – I don’t pretend to understand the Hebrew sacrificial system. The whole culture seems to have been living with a huge sense of guilt. Maybe we could do with a bit of that – a sense that we do carry the blame for what is happening in the world especially the suffering from several diseases and starvation n Africa.
And I’m quite sure, if we really wanted to, we could find a better solution than killing an animal or a human, even if the human was Jesus of Nazareth.
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Mark 12:28-34
Jim sends his regrets. For several good reasons, he’s not able to provide us with his “blurb” this week.
Ralph says –
There’s a cultural difference that pops out at me reading this passage. In first century Jewish culture (and many others) religious discussion was a bit like a tennis match. In this particular passage, Jesus aces the scribes and the game is over. No one dared to challenge Jesus to another match. Jesus wins and gloats. The others lose and slink away into the shadows feeling humiliated and defeated.
Thinking of it that way bothers many of us. We’d argue that such discussions should not be about verbal jousting – not about winning and losing – but about discovering the truth.
And the truth Jesus articulates here is fundamental – foundational – and any concern about who was winning and who was losing would only distract us.
The verb in both of Jesus’ declarations is “love.” And the opportunity here is not to define “love” at great length but to tell stories of love in real life. Especially stories of the love of neighbor – miserable, cranky, hard-to-love neighbors – which can be really tough at times.
In the best-selling novel, “The Shack” by Paul Young, the grieving angry father whose young daughter had been abducted, raped and murdered, has to learn how to love his own father who abused him, God, who allowed it all to happen, and finally, the man who killed his daughter. The love does not imply liking, or accepting, but is the essence of forgiveness that makes it possible for the man to live again.
The story of Ruth and Naomi, “Two Brave Women” is found in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 220. You might use this on either November 1 or 8, because that’s the two Sundays on which the story occurs in the lectionary. We are suggesting the full story on the 8th.
A story based on the gospel reading, “The Most Important Rules” is found on page 223.
If you don’t yet own this set of three children’s Bible story books, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – Among the life-changing experiences that I’ve known was six weeks of study in Israel some years ago. For myself, I brought back only one memento – aside from a head full of new ideas and insights.
I brought for myself a mezuzah. That’s the little container which practicing Jews nail to their doorpost. It contains a little slip of paper on which is printed, in Hebrew, the Shema. “Hear O Israel, the Lord your God is one, and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and mind.”
I found myself filled with a deep emotion as I nailed it to the inside door of my home here in Kelowna. I know I will take it with me wherever I move.
Perhaps it has to do with connections. Connections to that vast and holy tradition that was seared by the desert sun into a faith that provides the essence of life, if only we would take it, apply it, believe it, live it, be it.
Or maybe it had to do with answers. Here is one good, solid answer I can stick on my door post, and touch it each time I go out into the world, to remind me that I “know.”
In this week’s Gospel reading, the Sadducee baits Jesus. Jesus gives a traditional response with some elaborations. The Sadducee says, “Hey! You got it right!” Then Jesus pats the Sadducee on the head saying, “And you’re getting warm.”
Are they playing the traditional men’s game of “being right”?
I’ve heard it called the “men’s disease” – the need to have an “answer” for every question even if we have to make one up on the spot. I’d like to claim I don’t suffer from that particular affliction, but several women in my life read this essay. They might even argue that writers and editors give vocational expression to that syndrome.
Jim Taylor once had a bumper sticker which read, “Editors have the last word.”
Another colleague, which shall remain nameless, insists that research has been done which proves that a man’s penis actually shrinks when he says, “I don’t know.” Be that as it may, it is true that most men have a strong personal need to “know” and to be “right.”
Is that why I tacked that mezuzah to my door? Like that Sadducee, I have the right answer. I know!
As long as I don’t open that mezuzah and read the Shema – as long as I don’t remember that the operative word is “love,” I can live with that fantasy.
Like the Sadducee, I live with the painful, hopeful sadness. I am “not far from the Kingdom.”
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Giving Up Our Roads
Somewhere along the way, we made a terrible mistake.
That realization came to me the other night, as I was walking the dog down the centre of a deserted road. You would think, to look at the blacktop rolled out so authoritatively, that the road had been here forever. But when you see that it wiggles to avoid trees that have stood in that place longer than the road has existed, when you see how it detours around rock outcrops, you realize that the road is a relative latecomer.
In fact, most of our roads were foot trails long before they were roads. That’s particularly evident in old cities – like, say, London, England – where any resemblance to a grid system is laughable.
The evolution of roads is most visible in unplanned communities like Bonavista, in Newfoundland. The first houses were built by fishermen, along the beach. Then merchants and tradespeople built houses on the marshland behind the beach. Wherever they could find lumps of higher ground, naturally. Paths evolved to connect the houses.
Today, those wandering footpaths have become streets. A map of Bonavista resembles a child’s random scribbles.
Because the roads were never planned as roads.
Neither were most of ours. People walked those trails first. Later came horses and carts, but human feet still had the right of way.
And then, somehow, we ceded our rights to the car. Now we have to get out of their way.
Instead, we build special roadways for pedestrians. We call them sidewalks – places where people can walk without fear of being run down by a four-wheeled, gas-guzzling tin can that weighs two tons.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m a child of the 150s – I love cars. But I worry that we have granted them a godlike status they don’t deserve.
The situation reminds me of the biblical story of Jacob and Esau. Esau, you may remember, was the older brother. By law and tradition, he would inherit his father’s lands.
But Jacob felt jealous. So one day when Esau came home from hunting, ravenous, Jacob tempted him with a simmering pot of savoury stew. “If you want this,” Jacob bargained, “give me your birthright.”
Esau thought it was a joke. “Sure,” he said, knowing that mere words could not alter the fact that he was his father’s firstborn.
Except that, in the end, he did lose his birthright.
So did we.
We gave up our right to own the roads. We allowed gimlet-eyed drivers, right foot firmly planted on the gas pedal, obsessed with getting to their destination a few seconds sooner – a tribe to which I often belong – to usurp our rightful place.
Not only is the car a primary user of carbon-based fuel, it has become a parasite that has invaded our body politic. Life without the car has become unimaginable.
The dog and I squeeze over onto the shoulder as a car roars by. I think I know how Esau might have felt.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Susan Heydt reports that a church in her community last Sunday the choir was slated to sing "Sin Ye, Joyfully."
Susan, is that anything like Luther’s injunction to “sin boldly” that’s so often quoted out of context?
Lois Carey of North Bay, Ontario, saw an announcement about a “goad to support this fund in 2009.”
Well Lois, many congregations need a fair bit of goading.
Elisabeth Jones of Montreal says she did this herself some years ago when she was a church secretary in Calgary. She advertised a Lenten Bible Study which would “explore
Jesus' journey to the cross via the Road to Calgary."
On another occasion, Elisabeth typed a note about an event called, "The Future of the Untied Church"
Elisabeth, one of the things that unites all those churches that have “United” in their names is that it has been typed as “untied” many times. I’ve gone one step further myself and found myself writing about the “untied cruch.”
Do you suppose the Spirit is trying to tell us something?
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
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Wish I’d Said That! – It's faith in something and enthusiasm for something that makes a life worth living.
source unknown via Margaret Wood
Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each.
Henry David Thoreau via Mary of Bahrain
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
Mark Twain via Mary of Bahrain
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We Get Letters – This section of Rumors serves as a place to put stuff that doesn’t really fit anywhere else. Such as this note from Cliff Boldt of Courtnay, BC. He says, “Churchill got around calling people liars when he coined the phrase ‘terminological inexactitude.’”
Velia Watts of Edmonton, Alberta writes: “A church acquaintance tells a story about her four-year-old granddaughter. She was questioning a younger cousin as to whether he had been baptized.”
“He didn't know what that meant so she explained it all to him: ‘It's when this guy picks you up and gives you a shampoo in a bird bath.’”
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “thumpitty thump thump!”)
This piece called “Martin the German” by Chris P. Matthy comes from April Dailey and somebody named N. Martin. April says it’s for “10/25 Reformation Sunday for us Lutheran Types.”
Because my weird mind always makes the most inappropriate connections, the last verse of this recalls the student who declared in a term paper that Luther “nailed his feces to the church door.” Never mind. Just sing it and don’t think of such things.
(to the tune of “Frosty the Snowman”)
Martin the German was a sorry, mixed up soul,
‘Cause he thought it odd that a loving God
Would condemn him straight to hell.
Martin the German even took a sacred vow
When a lightning strike nearly took his life
But St. Anne stepped in somehow.
It must have seemed like magic when
Old Habakkuk he found,
‘Cause when he read God saves by faith
He began to dance around.
O, Martin the German felt reborn again that day,
And he spread the word from old Wittenberg
All the way to Rome, they say.
Thumpitty thump thump, thumpitty thump thump,
Nail them to the door;
Thumpitty thump thump, thumpitty thump thump,
Hear those Theses roar!
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Bottom of the Barrel – Fred Brailey of Orangeville, Ontario sends this probably apocryphal item, and wonders whether the church can accept such ill-gotten gains. Fred, in the church where I worship, we’ve not had a lot of trouble with people putting thousand dollar offerings on the plate.
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am,” he said. “I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate." "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" "$10,000 a week." "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," "That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" "In Nevada,” the little old lady said proudly. “He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno "
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Mark 12:28-34
Reader 1: It sounds like a tennis match.
Reader 2: What sounds like a tennis match?
1: The scripture we’re supposed to read today.
2: Where do you get that? It’s Jesus talking to a bunch of Sadducees.
1: Sure, but it’s the traditional men’s game. Let’s prove that I am smarter than you. The clue is in the first verse. “Seeing that he answered them well.” And then in the last verse. Jesus serves an ace and it’s game over. It says it right there. “After that no one dared to ask him any question.”
2: Well, maybe. But you are missing the point of the passage. It’s not about who beats who in a debating game. Or at least, that shouldn’t matter to us now. It’s that Jesus gets down to the bare bones fundamental. The basic idea that is the foundation of the Christian faith. Love of God and love of neighbor. You don’t get more foundational than that.
1: In other words, if we don’t get today’s passage memorized and plugged into our psyche, we’re going to fry in hell?
2: You’re being ridiculous and you know it. Read the passage.
1: OK, OK.
SLIGHT PAUSE1: One of the scribes came near and heard them disputing with one another. Seeing that Jesus answered them well, the scribe asked him, "Which commandment is the first of all?"2: "The first is, 'Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God, the Lord is one; you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.' The second is this, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these."1: "You are right, Teacher; you have truly said that 'he is one, and besides him there is no other'; and 'to love him with all the heart, and with all the understanding, and with all the strength,' and 'to love one's neighbor as oneself,' – this is much more important than all whole burnt offerings and sacrifices."2: "You are not far from the kingdom of God."
1: After that no one dared to ask him any question.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Preaching Materials for Ocober 25, 2009
R U M O R S # 572
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-10-18
October 18, 2009
THE IMPATIENCE OF JOB
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.
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The Story – why do bad things happen?
Rumors – blind folks who see
Soft Edges – the gentle giant
Bloopers – a minion or a minyan?
We Get Letters – what to tell a nine-year-old
Mirabile Dictu! – supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Bottom of the Barrel – they walked where they went
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Job 42:1-6, 10-17
Extra Resource – Jim’s irreverent paraphrase of the Job story
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – This from Jim Spinks.
In Sunday school little Kathy was drawing a Nativity picture. There were Mary and Joseph, shepherds and wise men. "What's that in the corner Kathy?" asked the teacher. "That's their TV, of course," replied Kathy.
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, October 25th, which is Proper 25 [30].
* Job 42:1-6, 10-17 or Jeremiah 31:7-9
* Psalm 34:1-8, (19-22) or Psalm 126
* Hebrews 7:23-28
* Mark 10:46-52
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Job 42:1-6, 10-17.
This is a somewhat longer issue of Rumors because it offers more resources on the Job story. The Reader’s Theatre offers a short summary of the story which could be used even if you don’t do the Reader’s Theatre thing. And following that is a short paraphrase of the Job story by Jim Taylor – short but still 15 minutes long if you were to use all of it.
Jim says –
We’ve been avoiding the Job story for the last four weeks, because the friends’ speeches about sin make Mahmoud Ahmadinejad look concise. But the story deserves to be told. How? Tell it – don’t read it!
How Job ended up in his miserable predicament (Chapters 1 and 2) is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter whether God and Satan played dice with Job’s fate, or whether he just happened to be around when the Wall Street of his time had an economic collapse.
Forget the cause – the important thing in Job is the falsity of the conventional conceptions offered as explanations:
1. God must be doing this for a good reason.
2. This can’t be unjust punishment, because that would make God unjust.
3. Punishment proves you must have done something wrong.
Now, aren’t those same ideas still being voiced? People who go through a mental breakdown, who get cancer or MS, are still looked at with suspicion – they must have done something to deserve this... You lost your pension; your investments crashed? You must have done something stupid... Your marriage failed? Which of you was playing around?
The end of the story was probably tacked on to provide a Hollywood ending. But it does make a point: as a result of his experiences, Job violated the cultural norms of his day. The Bible records the names of his daughters but not, interestingly, of his sons. And the daughters shared equally in his inheritance – an exceptional occurrence for those times.
Ralph says –
The reason it is important to hear the story of Job is because it helps us articulate a fundamentally human question. Why is it that “bad things happen to good people,” as Rabbi Harold Kushner asks so well in his little book?
The Book of Job doesn’t answer the question, but it does help us come to grips with it. We can all think of real scum bags who do very well and become very wealthy. And we all know genuinely good people who have never had two nickels to rub together. We think of ourselves when bad things happen and wonder what we have done to deserve this. And we know that the saying, “God never gives us more than we can handle,” is nonsense. We know people who have been totally destroyed by what has happened to them.
On the recent best-seller lists is a book called, “The Shack,” by Wm. Paul Young who approaches the question from another angle. Like my friend Julian of Norwich, he offers what seems like a simplistic response but which is deeply profound. The book has become a best seller, not because it is so well designed and written (it isn’t) but because it does a good job of helping us understand human suffering and God’s response.
God is love. God has created a world in which pain and sorrow and death are constant realities. And into that world God comes with love. The power and the weakness of love.
The story of Job flatly contradicts the idea that if you are totally faithful to God nothing bad will happen to you. Everything bad happens to Job and he is totally faithful.
I read what I have just written and I realize how grossly inadequate and facile it is. I hope you can do better.
Psalm 34:1-8, (19-22) – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 I will speak only good of my God;
I will not let a critical thought off my tongue.
2 For God has been good to me.
That is the good news I want you to know.
4 Yes, I have suffered like you.
I have known grief, and loss, and pain;
I have wondered where my next meal would come from,
and I have asked myself if anyone cared.
6 But through it all, God has been good to me.
God cared.
3 As we have shared in these experiences,
so let us share in giving the glory to God.
5 Put your hand in the hand of God,
and walk forward with confidence;
Turn your face towards God, and see clearly.
7 For though God will not, with a snap of the fingers,
turn all your troubles around,
God will, miraculously, put them into perspective;
God will make your mountains into molehills,
and your elephants into ants.
8 Trust, and see.
God makes a difference.
God is good.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Hebrews 7:23-28 – It shows a gap in my understanding, that I can’t quite see the need for the exalting of Jesus as High Priest. That may be because I’ve been raised and nurtured in a very low-church background. But I’ve had the privilege of friendship with Roman Catholics and Anglo Catholics for whom the concept is deeply and profoundly significant and so I’m not prepared to write off this passage just because I don’t understand it.
Mark 10:46-52 – Does the story of blind Bartimaeus add anything to our understanding of the “why” about pain and suffering and horror? Perhaps Jesus’ immediate and total response might be a clue. It sent me to look up a quote from W.A. Tozer which Young offers in “The Shack.”
“An infinite God can give all of Himself [sic] to each of His children. He does not distribute Himself that each may have a part, but to each one He gives all of Himself as fully as if there were no others.”
For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B.” It offers the story of Blind Bartimaeus on page 218. The story of Job, in a version that might be useful to both children and adults, is also found in Year B, on page 205.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – When the lector reads the Blind Bartimaeus passage on Sunday, the congregation probably will not burst out laughing at the humor of it. But something smells funny about this story, so a bit of good-natured poking around might be fun.
Blind beggars were not exactly at the top of the social ladder in Jesus’ day. Bartimaeus was not on the “must invite” list of the social climbers in Jericho.
But just a minute. Peter names Jesus as the Messiah at Caesarea Philippi, and a few evil spirits know about his Messiahship, but this blind beggar is the first one to publically name Jesus as “Son of David,” which is what any aspiring Messiah would be known as.
And for this, Bartimaeus is told to shut his face. But as Alfred Doolittle told Professor Higgins, it is only middle class folks who can afford morality and manners. Bartimaeus has neither. All he has is his need, so keeps on yelling. And yelling.
So Jesus takes a deep breath and goes over to him. “OK, relax buddy. What do you want?”
“I want to see!”
Just a minute now. Let’s get this straight. The only one of the public who has the wit and wisdom to see that Jesus is the Messiah, says to this same Messiah, “I want to see.”
Where did he get this? Bartimaeus had not gone to the Synagogue library to check all the cross references in the holy books to see if Jesus was the Messiah. Blind beggars don’t often spend much time in expensive libraries.
Nor would Bartimaeus have high level discussions with the Scribes and Pharisees in the Temple courts. He wasn’t invited to their Bible study group.
How did he know? Well, he didn’t “know.” He took a flying leap, or he was trying to flatter Jesus or he had the gift of clairvoyance or he had an insight or God spoke to him. Take your pick.
One way or another he had the “sight” to see what nobody else could see. Once again God chuckles and reveals the holy through babes and beggars and bastards and buffoons.
And those of us who read a lot of books and even occasionally write a few just have to stand back, scratch our heads bald and notice that the folks we’ve just told to shut up; the ones we’ve out-argued or out-voted at church meetings, or the ones we’ve managed to ignore on the street corner, these are the “blind” folks who somehow see.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
The Gentle Giant
Wotan lives down the road from us. Wotan is a horse. At 20 years old, he still stands 18 hands tall. That puts him in some exclusive company. The Guinness Book of World Records lists the world’s tallest horse at just over 20 hands high (a “hand” measures four inches). But that horse died a year ago. The current claimant for the title is an Ontario Clydesdale named Poe, at 20.2 hands tall.
Regardless, Wotan is a very big horse. I stand 5’8” tall, and I have to look up at Wotan’s back.
The name Wotan is a variant spelling for Wodin, or Odin, the Norse god often depicted riding a huge eight-legged horse into battle.
Despite his size, this Wotan is amazingly gentle. He canters up to the fence when I come by, offering his head and neck for a quick rub. He could, if he wished, effortlessly kick the slats out of his fence, but he doesn’t.
For most of my life, I admit, I’ve been a little afraid of horses.
Once, when I was about eight, I saw a horse kick a man. I don’t know if the horse had a bad temper, or if the man had mistreated his mount. But as the man passed behind the horse on a mountain trail, the horse coiled up both hind legs and struck out. Its hooves caught the man squarely in the chest and catapulted him right off the trail and down the slope below.
He must have had several broken ribs. Perhaps more. I didn’t stay to watch. I ran from the scene as fast as an eight-year-old’s legs could carry me.
Later in life, I took a group of Scouts to visit the police stables at Sunnybrook Park in Toronto. I mentioned that incident to the sergeant guiding us around, as an explanation for my fears.
“They’re just so powerful,” I said.
He looked surprised. “They are,” he agreed, as the horse behind him snuffled his ear. “Fortunately, they don’t know it.”
Most of our images of power and strength come from two sources – monarchy and military.
So we think, perhaps, of Henry VIII, executing wives for failing to produce a male heir to the throne. Or of Emperor Nero, burning tarred Christians as torches for his garden parties.
Lewis Carroll satirized this kind of power, in Alice in Wonderland. The Queen of Hearts commanded “Off with his head!” at the slightest provocation.
Or else we think of military might – of tanks and bombs and massed legions crushing opposition the way a bulldozer crushes a buttercup.
It’s the power to coerce.
Such images lead us to think that power must be used to be useful. What’s the point of having a 400-horsepower car, if you never use all that power? What value is an army, if it grows fat and lazy in its barracks?
Wotan the horse reminds me that it is possible to have power without needing to use it, that it is possible to have power and still be gentle.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Shirley Hollett, who says she is from “the big land,” i.e. the Labrador, caught this, unfortunately, “before the bulletin got printed. Hymn: “Now Thank we Al Our God.”
You should have left it in, Shirley, because we’ve got a lot to thank our “A-one” God for.
Mark Perry of Oil City thought the announcement about his appointment in the local newspaper should have been “Interning Minister.” Instead it read, “Interring Minister.” Says Mark, “I guess they thought we were dying off fast and furious.”
Fred Roden points up a blooper in last week’s Rumors. I referred to the number or people required for a Hebrew service as a “minion,” when it should have been “minyan.”
A “minion” is some poorly salaried, overworked sad-sack, i.e. most Protestant clergy.
Wayne Seybert of Longmont, Colorado found these bloopers.
* For the group of ladies called “Moms Who Care” and pray for the children in school. When their meeting was cancelled one week: “There will be no Moms who care this week.”* A worm welcome to all who have come today.* Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."
Kendell Nordstrom of Beloit, Wisconsin has a new title. He was listed in the bulletin as "Bible stud leader." Says Kendall, “I think it has a nice ring to it.”
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
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Wish I’d Said That! – The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.
Bertrand Russell via Jim Taylor
If to err is human, I have daily proof of my humanity.
Jayne Whyte
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Pablo Picasso via Kendell Nordstrom
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We Get Letters – Mary Lautensleger of Charlotte, North Carolina has a nine-year-old granddaughter who wants to know what a “reptile dysfunction" is? “What should I tell her?”
Mary, my grandkids are teenagers. I think they already know.
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!”) Courtesy of Fran Ota and Wilma Huston White.
Sung to the tune of "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious"When I was just ein junger Mann I studied canon law;While Erfurt was a challenge, it was just to please my Pa.Then came the storm, the lightning struck, I called upon Saint Anne,I shaved my head, I took my vows, an Augustinian! Oh...Chorus:Papal bulls, indulgences, and transubstantiationSpeak your mind against them and face excommunication!Nail your theses to the door, let's start a Reformation!Papal bulls, indulgences, and transubstantiation!When Tetzel came near Wittenberg, St. Peter's profits soared,I wrote a little notice for the All Saints' Bull'tin board:"You cannot purchase merits, for we're justified by grace!Here's 95 more reasons, Brother Tetzel, in your face!" Oh...Chorus:They loved my tracts, adored my wit, all were exempleror;The Pope, however, hauled me up before the Emperor."Are these your books? Do you recant?" King Charles did demand,"I will not change my Diet, Sir, God help me here I stand!" Oh...Chorus:Duke Frederick took the Wise approach, responding to my words,By knighting "George" as hostage in the Kingdom of the Birds.Use Brother Martin's model if the languages you seek,Stay locked inside a castle with your Hebrew and your Greek! Oh...Chorus:Let's raise our steins and Concord Books while gathered in this place,And spread the word that 'catholic' is spelled with lower case;The Word remains unfettered when the Spirit gets his chance,So come on, Katy, drop your lute, and join us in our dance! Oh...Chorus:
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Bottom of the Barrel – This from Peggy Neufeld.A young boy had just received his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he would make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut." The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair. And there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair." His father thought for a moment. "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Job 42:1-6, 10-17
Reader 1: This is a weird kind of story – this book of Job. And it just doesn’t seem right – the story starts out with God and Satan making bets on what Job is going to do.
Reader 2: Well, the first thing to realize is that the story of Job goes way, way, way, way, way way back in time.
1: What you’re trying to say is that it goes a long way back.
2: Yeah. Way, way, way..
1: (interrupting) OK. I’ve got it.
2: It’s based on a very ancient legend, in which God is talking to various angels, of whom the satan is just one. This satan not the bad guy in red underwear. And so God, in this story, isn’t necessarily all good, and the satan isn’t all bad.
1: So in today’s reading we get to the happy ending. Everybody is happy and they live happily ever after. I think we need to tell the story first so today’s reading makes some sense.
2: Well, the ending isn’t quite that simple. But you’re right. We need to tell the story. You start.
1: Once upon a time – that seems like a good way to start because it is a kind of a legend – a fairy tale – once upon a time God was walking around in heaven talking to the various angels. God spoke to one of the angels called the satan.
2: Where have you been? We’ve missed you around here.
1: Oh, I’ve been walking around on the earth looking at stuff.
2: Did you notice Job. He’s a really good man. He’s really loyal to me.
1: Well, yeah, sure he is. You’ve made it easy for him. You’ve given him everything, wealth, health, children – you name it, Job’s got it. So of course he’s loyal to you.
2: You’ve got that wrong, satan. All wrong. Job is loyal to me because he’s devoted to me.
1: You’ve got that wrong, God, all wrong. Job is loyal to you because of all the stuff you’ve given him.
2: So go and test him. Take all the that wealth and family away from him. Do anything you want, but you can’t kill him. You can take anything but not his life.
1: So one by one, the satan hits on Job. He takes away his herds of cattle. He takes away his family. He takes away his health. Job is reduced to a miserable blob of humanity sitting on an ash heap, covered with boils. Job’s wife confronts him.
2: C’mon Job. Get it over with. Curse God and die.
1: No. God has been good to me. I am loyal to my God. There must be a reason for all this, but whatever it is, I am loyal to my God.
2: Then three of Job’s friends come to see him. “Job,” they say. “Job, you must have done something really awful to deserve all this.”
1: No. That’s not true. I haven’t done anything. I have been faithful to my God. I have obeyed all the rules and done everything right.
2: Give it up, Job. All this awful stuff doesn’t come just out of nowhere. You must have slapped God in the face somehow. These things don’t just happen out of nothing.
1: No! No! I have done nothing wrong. I am faithful to God. I just need a chance to talk to God face to face. Like in a court of law. I want God to talk to me, man to man. Tell me what I have done and whether I deserve this.
2: The argument goes on for days and gets nowhere. Then another of Job’s friends comes along and tells his three friends to get lost. And for awhile, it looks as if there might be some decent discussion. But he says basically the same things as the other guys. He tries to back Job into a corner. “C’mon. ‘Fes up, Job. What did you do? You must have done something pretty ugly to deserve all this!”
1: I don’t deserve all this. I’ve done nothing wrong. All I want is to talk to God face to face. Let God tell me what I’ve done to deserve all this. I demand my day in court. I want my rights. I deserve the chance to meet with God and talk this through.
2: Well, God comes onto the scene alright. But God doesn’t sit down and talk it through with Job. God throws the universe at poor Job.
"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements – surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it? On what were its bases sunk, or who laid its cornerstone when the morning stars sang together and all the heavenly beings shouted for joy? Can you lift up your voice to the clouds, so that a flood of waters may cover you? Can you send forth lightnings, so that they may go and say to you, 'Here we are'?
And then poor Job, sitting on his ash heap and covered with sores, answers God. And this is our scripture reading for this morning. From the book of Job.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
Then Job answered the LORD:
1: "I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. 'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?' Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
'Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you declare to me.' I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes."
2: And God restored the fortunes of Job when he had prayed for his friends; and God gave Job twice as much as he had before. Then there came to him all his brothers and sisters and all who had known him before, and they ate bread with him in his house; they showed him sympathy and comforted him for all the evil that God had brought upon him; and each of them gave him a piece of money and a gold ring.
1: God blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning; and he had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen, and a thousand donkeys. He also had seven sons and three daughters.
2: Job named the first daughter Jemimah, the second Keziah, and the third Keren-happuch.
1: In all the land there were no women so beautiful as Job's daughters; and their father gave them an inheritance along with their brothers.
2: After this Job lived one hundred and forty years, and saw his children, and his children's children, four generations.
1: And Job died, old and full of days.
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A somewhat irreverent paraphrase of the Job narrative
by Jim Taylor
This play takes about 15 minutes to read out loud or to act out.
Announcer: Warning. The following program may contain coarse language and scenes of graphic depiction that may offend small children and old ladies. Viewer caution is advised.
Narrator: God and Satan are having tea together.
Satan: Mmmmm... Nice blend.
God: Thank you. It’s prepared specially for me. It’s grown only in the highest tea plantations above Darjeeling, in the Himalayas, and they only pick the newest leaves from virgin bushes.
Satan: You do live quite well, don’t you?
God: Well, I am everything, after all.
Satan: That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I think some of your followers are deluded.
God: In what way?
Satan: Well, they believe that because you are perfect, they should also be perfect. And because you have everything, they should have everything too.
God: That’s a ridiculous argument.
Satan: But you play into it, don’t you? Can you deny that you favour your believers with prosperity and long life?
God: I do not. If they believe in me, they tend to lead healthier lives. That’s the reason for their prosperity and longevity.
Satan: Will all due respect, I think your followers believe in you only because they’re convinced you reward them.
God: That’s not true. They would be faithful even if things went badly.
Satan: Prove it!
God: All right. There’s Job, who’s never done anything wrong in his life. He would believe in me no matter what happened to him.
Satan: I’d like to test that theory.
God: Go ahead. Torment him any way you want – you can’t make him crack.
Scene 1
Shift to Job, reclining in a La-Z-boy chair, sipping champagne, while a gorgeous maid drops grapes into his open mouth.
Narrator: Job is a wealthy man. He has a big family, flocks of sheep and cattle, and investments in all the big banks. But he is unaware that disaster is about to fall upon him. A servant comes rushing in.
Servant rushes in,
Servant: Sir! Sir! Disaster has fallen upon you! You are ruined!
Job waves a hand languidly at the servant.
Job: Stop! That’s no way to deliver bad news. You must learn how to break bad news gently, progressively, so as to lead your hearer gradually to a realization of what has happened.
Servant: But, but...
Job: No buts, my friend. Now, you pretend you’re me, and I’m you, bringing bad news. So I would start this way – Sir, I regret to inform you that your goldfish has died.
Servant: (struggling to comprehend) My goldfish?
Job: Yes. Unfortunately, it expired when a roof beam of your house fell upon its aquarium.
Servant: My house?
Job: It was the fire. The local volunteer fire brigade were unable to control it before it spread out of the garage.
Servant: The garage?
Job: (enjoying his imaginative narrative greatly. The maid continues to drop grapes into his mouth.) Indeed. The gas tank on the Ferrari exploded in the heat generated by the flaming barn next door.
Servant: The barn?
Job: Your sheep were out in the field when they were struck by lightning. Their coats were still smouldering when they stampeded into the barn and set it alight. (pauses for thought) Now, what else can I add?
Servant: Your family?
Job: Of course! All your sons and daughters were working in the loft, storing grain in bins, when the old timbers of the barn ignited. Unfortunately, they were all incinerated. But that’s actually good news, because it will save you the costs of cremation. (finishing off with a flourish) Which is just as well, because your banks are all bankrupt, and the government has just nationalized them, so your shares are worthless! (leans back satisfied with himself) There – see how easy it is when you lead into these things gently? (pause, while he recollects the purpose of this exercise) Now, then, what was it you wanted to tell me?
Servant: (wringing his hands and squirming) Sir, it’s about your goldfish...
The maid stops dropping grapes into Job’s mouth, and walks away. Job squats on a stool, scrunched up in despair.
Scene 2
Narrator: Job’s creditors demand repayment.
Creditors surround Job. They strip off his jacket, tie, sweater, shoes, socks (or whatever he’s wearing)
Narrator: They even take the shirt off his back.
One of the creditors rips Job’s shirt off.
Narrator: But despite Job’s misfortunes, he remains philosophical.
Job: (huddled on the stool) Naked I came, naked I will return. God gives, God takes away. That’s good enough for me.
Job’s wife: Oh, you typical man! Quit milking your misery for sympathy!
Job: I am not milking it. I’m being brave!
Job’s wife: You’re being punished. Go ahead! Curse God and get it over with!
Job: Oh, you typical woman! Take a larger view! Can we expect only to receive good things from God, and not an occasional negative? April showers bring May flowers.
Job’s wife: Enough of your damned platitudes. What about me? Those were my children too, you know.
Job: You shouldn’t take these things personally.
Scene 3
Narrator: Job has gone to squat in the local landfill, because that’s what he feels like.
Job: I am so miserable that I wish I hadn’t been born. If only my mother had miscarried, or my father had smashed my head against a rock. If this is what life comes to, why was it worth feeding me, training me, teaching me? And you know what’s worse? The universe doesn’t give a damn! The sun comes up; the sun goes down; the world rolls on as if I don’t matter at all. I’m not only miserable, I’m nothing!
Three friends enter
Narrator: Three of Job’s friends come to console him, but when they see what he’s come to, they are themselves in shock. For seven days, they don’t know what to say. Then they start to find words.
Bildad: Enough of this sitting around.
Eliphaz: Yes. I’ve got things to do.
Zophar: Promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.
Bildad: Let’s get on with this. Who wants to go first?
Eliphaz: Buck up, man. People look up to you. Don’t let them down. If they see you doubting the goodness of God, they may do the same. You know God is responsible for everything. So God must be doing this to you for a reason.
Job: I’ve done nothing wrong.
Bildad: You must have done something wrong. This cannot be unjust punishment, because that would make God unjust, and that’s impossible. So repent for whatever you’ve done, even if you don’t know you’ve done it.
Job: To repent for something I didn’t do would be a lie. I cannot lie to God. But this is an unequal contest; I can no more argue with God than a kindergarten child can argue with a lawyer. This is so awful, I’d take up drinking, if I could afford to drink.
Zophar: The fact that you’re being punished proves that you must have done something wrong. Repent and all will be well again. God will forgive you for your pride.
Job: Don’t treat me like an idiot with your meaningless dogmas! It’s all very well for you – you still have your families, your government pension plans. (To God) Quit picking on me – either leave me alone or let me get well again!
Eliphaz: If you hadn’t done wrong before, you certainly have now. Your words are blasphemy. They threaten the very fundamentals of our faith.
Job: Hey, buster, reverse the situation! If you were in my shoes, how would you feel? (To God) I wish I could die.
Bildad: You can’t blame anyone but yourself for this. We all know that the wicked cause their own downfall by their actions.
Job: What utter bullshit! You’re blaming the victim instead of the oppressor. For some reason, God has turned against me. Even my breath is so rotten now that my wife won’t let me come near her.
Zophar: I can’t restrain myself any more. You’re talking nonsense! We know that wickedness always gets its comeuppance in the end!
Job: Don’t talk to me about nonsense! You know very well it doesn’t work that way in real life. Open your eyes, you pompous ideolog!
Eliphaz: I take back all those good things I said about you originally. I see now that you are a wicked, rebellious man.
Job: I have not done anything wrong. I have not rebelled against God. Life itself is unjust, unfair. Show me that it is not so.
Bildad: When you call yourself righteous, you lie in your teeth, you self-deluded fool.
Job: Who’s self-deluded? You are! You actually think your puny mind can understand the whole of God, as if God were a puppet and you held all the strings. You’re wrong. I believe that God is truth; therefore I will speak the truth whatever the consequences. I will not pretend. I will not lie to appease either you, or God. (Appalled, the three friends back away.) Once I was happy, once I was admired and respected, but now I am an object of derision. (To the friends) If you can name one thing I have done wrong, I will admit it and repent. But be specific. I’m sick of your abstract moralizing.
Scene 4
Narrator: A young man has been eavesdropping on this debate.
Elihu: Sorry to butt in, guys, but the rest of you are obviously clueless, so I want to bring some perspective into this business. (To Job) Hey, man, where do you get off thinking you can talk back to God? God is way greater than you are. If God chooses to punish you for something, who are you to object? (To the three friends) You guys keep missing the point. The problem is not whether God is just or not, but your presumptions about what constitutes justice. Clearly, God is afflicting Job for some reason. But it’s not working yet. Job hasn’t suffered enough yet to see the light, so he is adding rebellion to whatever the original cause was. Maybe when he has suffered a lot more, he’ll smarten up. You know that in everything God works for good, so it follows that God changes the afflicted by giving them their affliction. You three are so preoccupied with your notions of justice than you’re forgetting about God. Praise God’s greatness, and quit sweating the small stuff.
Scene 4
Fed up with all the arguments, God takes the stand personally.
God: What kind of arrogant worm are you, questioning my impartiality? Where were you, when I created the universe, when I established the four forces that hold everything together, when I put the sun and the stars into their orbits and established conditions that enabled life to flourish? Have you devised the Grand Unified Theory of Everything yet? Then quit finding fault with me!
Job: I have shot off my mouth. I will keep it zipped from here on.
God: No you won’t, because I gave you humans responsibilities. It’s not good enough for you to hunker down and act fatalistic. You must act on my behalf. You must create the justice you keep longing for. But don’t overestimate your abilities, and don’t start thinking that you are God.
Job: I spoke out of turn. I’m sorry.
Conclusion
Narrator: For being satisfied with fine words instead of actions, the three friends have to give away some of their own wealth to get Job started on the long process of recovery. Then and only then do his brothers and sisters come to share some of their own possessions with him. Eventually Job’s wealth and status is restored.
He has three daughters and seven sons. But he has obviously been changed by his encounter with God, because the story records the names of the daughters, but not of the sons. And it notes that in a radical departure from the customs of his time, he shared his estate equally with the daughters, as well as the sons.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (Change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-10-18
October 18, 2009
THE IMPATIENCE OF JOB
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.
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The Story – why do bad things happen?
Rumors – blind folks who see
Soft Edges – the gentle giant
Bloopers – a minion or a minyan?
We Get Letters – what to tell a nine-year-old
Mirabile Dictu! – supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Bottom of the Barrel – they walked where they went
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Job 42:1-6, 10-17
Extra Resource – Jim’s irreverent paraphrase of the Job story
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – This from Jim Spinks.
In Sunday school little Kathy was drawing a Nativity picture. There were Mary and Joseph, shepherds and wise men. "What's that in the corner Kathy?" asked the teacher. "That's their TV, of course," replied Kathy.
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, October 25th, which is Proper 25 [30].
* Job 42:1-6, 10-17 or Jeremiah 31:7-9
* Psalm 34:1-8, (19-22) or Psalm 126
* Hebrews 7:23-28
* Mark 10:46-52
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Job 42:1-6, 10-17.
This is a somewhat longer issue of Rumors because it offers more resources on the Job story. The Reader’s Theatre offers a short summary of the story which could be used even if you don’t do the Reader’s Theatre thing. And following that is a short paraphrase of the Job story by Jim Taylor – short but still 15 minutes long if you were to use all of it.
Jim says –
We’ve been avoiding the Job story for the last four weeks, because the friends’ speeches about sin make Mahmoud Ahmadinejad look concise. But the story deserves to be told. How? Tell it – don’t read it!
How Job ended up in his miserable predicament (Chapters 1 and 2) is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter whether God and Satan played dice with Job’s fate, or whether he just happened to be around when the Wall Street of his time had an economic collapse.
Forget the cause – the important thing in Job is the falsity of the conventional conceptions offered as explanations:
1. God must be doing this for a good reason.
2. This can’t be unjust punishment, because that would make God unjust.
3. Punishment proves you must have done something wrong.
Now, aren’t those same ideas still being voiced? People who go through a mental breakdown, who get cancer or MS, are still looked at with suspicion – they must have done something to deserve this... You lost your pension; your investments crashed? You must have done something stupid... Your marriage failed? Which of you was playing around?
The end of the story was probably tacked on to provide a Hollywood ending. But it does make a point: as a result of his experiences, Job violated the cultural norms of his day. The Bible records the names of his daughters but not, interestingly, of his sons. And the daughters shared equally in his inheritance – an exceptional occurrence for those times.
Ralph says –
The reason it is important to hear the story of Job is because it helps us articulate a fundamentally human question. Why is it that “bad things happen to good people,” as Rabbi Harold Kushner asks so well in his little book?
The Book of Job doesn’t answer the question, but it does help us come to grips with it. We can all think of real scum bags who do very well and become very wealthy. And we all know genuinely good people who have never had two nickels to rub together. We think of ourselves when bad things happen and wonder what we have done to deserve this. And we know that the saying, “God never gives us more than we can handle,” is nonsense. We know people who have been totally destroyed by what has happened to them.
On the recent best-seller lists is a book called, “The Shack,” by Wm. Paul Young who approaches the question from another angle. Like my friend Julian of Norwich, he offers what seems like a simplistic response but which is deeply profound. The book has become a best seller, not because it is so well designed and written (it isn’t) but because it does a good job of helping us understand human suffering and God’s response.
God is love. God has created a world in which pain and sorrow and death are constant realities. And into that world God comes with love. The power and the weakness of love.
The story of Job flatly contradicts the idea that if you are totally faithful to God nothing bad will happen to you. Everything bad happens to Job and he is totally faithful.
I read what I have just written and I realize how grossly inadequate and facile it is. I hope you can do better.
Psalm 34:1-8, (19-22) – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 I will speak only good of my God;
I will not let a critical thought off my tongue.
2 For God has been good to me.
That is the good news I want you to know.
4 Yes, I have suffered like you.
I have known grief, and loss, and pain;
I have wondered where my next meal would come from,
and I have asked myself if anyone cared.
6 But through it all, God has been good to me.
God cared.
3 As we have shared in these experiences,
so let us share in giving the glory to God.
5 Put your hand in the hand of God,
and walk forward with confidence;
Turn your face towards God, and see clearly.
7 For though God will not, with a snap of the fingers,
turn all your troubles around,
God will, miraculously, put them into perspective;
God will make your mountains into molehills,
and your elephants into ants.
8 Trust, and see.
God makes a difference.
God is good.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Hebrews 7:23-28 – It shows a gap in my understanding, that I can’t quite see the need for the exalting of Jesus as High Priest. That may be because I’ve been raised and nurtured in a very low-church background. But I’ve had the privilege of friendship with Roman Catholics and Anglo Catholics for whom the concept is deeply and profoundly significant and so I’m not prepared to write off this passage just because I don’t understand it.
Mark 10:46-52 – Does the story of blind Bartimaeus add anything to our understanding of the “why” about pain and suffering and horror? Perhaps Jesus’ immediate and total response might be a clue. It sent me to look up a quote from W.A. Tozer which Young offers in “The Shack.”
“An infinite God can give all of Himself [sic] to each of His children. He does not distribute Himself that each may have a part, but to each one He gives all of Himself as fully as if there were no others.”
For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B.” It offers the story of Blind Bartimaeus on page 218. The story of Job, in a version that might be useful to both children and adults, is also found in Year B, on page 205.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – When the lector reads the Blind Bartimaeus passage on Sunday, the congregation probably will not burst out laughing at the humor of it. But something smells funny about this story, so a bit of good-natured poking around might be fun.
Blind beggars were not exactly at the top of the social ladder in Jesus’ day. Bartimaeus was not on the “must invite” list of the social climbers in Jericho.
But just a minute. Peter names Jesus as the Messiah at Caesarea Philippi, and a few evil spirits know about his Messiahship, but this blind beggar is the first one to publically name Jesus as “Son of David,” which is what any aspiring Messiah would be known as.
And for this, Bartimaeus is told to shut his face. But as Alfred Doolittle told Professor Higgins, it is only middle class folks who can afford morality and manners. Bartimaeus has neither. All he has is his need, so keeps on yelling. And yelling.
So Jesus takes a deep breath and goes over to him. “OK, relax buddy. What do you want?”
“I want to see!”
Just a minute now. Let’s get this straight. The only one of the public who has the wit and wisdom to see that Jesus is the Messiah, says to this same Messiah, “I want to see.”
Where did he get this? Bartimaeus had not gone to the Synagogue library to check all the cross references in the holy books to see if Jesus was the Messiah. Blind beggars don’t often spend much time in expensive libraries.
Nor would Bartimaeus have high level discussions with the Scribes and Pharisees in the Temple courts. He wasn’t invited to their Bible study group.
How did he know? Well, he didn’t “know.” He took a flying leap, or he was trying to flatter Jesus or he had the gift of clairvoyance or he had an insight or God spoke to him. Take your pick.
One way or another he had the “sight” to see what nobody else could see. Once again God chuckles and reveals the holy through babes and beggars and bastards and buffoons.
And those of us who read a lot of books and even occasionally write a few just have to stand back, scratch our heads bald and notice that the folks we’ve just told to shut up; the ones we’ve out-argued or out-voted at church meetings, or the ones we’ve managed to ignore on the street corner, these are the “blind” folks who somehow see.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
The Gentle Giant
Wotan lives down the road from us. Wotan is a horse. At 20 years old, he still stands 18 hands tall. That puts him in some exclusive company. The Guinness Book of World Records lists the world’s tallest horse at just over 20 hands high (a “hand” measures four inches). But that horse died a year ago. The current claimant for the title is an Ontario Clydesdale named Poe, at 20.2 hands tall.
Regardless, Wotan is a very big horse. I stand 5’8” tall, and I have to look up at Wotan’s back.
The name Wotan is a variant spelling for Wodin, or Odin, the Norse god often depicted riding a huge eight-legged horse into battle.
Despite his size, this Wotan is amazingly gentle. He canters up to the fence when I come by, offering his head and neck for a quick rub. He could, if he wished, effortlessly kick the slats out of his fence, but he doesn’t.
For most of my life, I admit, I’ve been a little afraid of horses.
Once, when I was about eight, I saw a horse kick a man. I don’t know if the horse had a bad temper, or if the man had mistreated his mount. But as the man passed behind the horse on a mountain trail, the horse coiled up both hind legs and struck out. Its hooves caught the man squarely in the chest and catapulted him right off the trail and down the slope below.
He must have had several broken ribs. Perhaps more. I didn’t stay to watch. I ran from the scene as fast as an eight-year-old’s legs could carry me.
Later in life, I took a group of Scouts to visit the police stables at Sunnybrook Park in Toronto. I mentioned that incident to the sergeant guiding us around, as an explanation for my fears.
“They’re just so powerful,” I said.
He looked surprised. “They are,” he agreed, as the horse behind him snuffled his ear. “Fortunately, they don’t know it.”
Most of our images of power and strength come from two sources – monarchy and military.
So we think, perhaps, of Henry VIII, executing wives for failing to produce a male heir to the throne. Or of Emperor Nero, burning tarred Christians as torches for his garden parties.
Lewis Carroll satirized this kind of power, in Alice in Wonderland. The Queen of Hearts commanded “Off with his head!” at the slightest provocation.
Or else we think of military might – of tanks and bombs and massed legions crushing opposition the way a bulldozer crushes a buttercup.
It’s the power to coerce.
Such images lead us to think that power must be used to be useful. What’s the point of having a 400-horsepower car, if you never use all that power? What value is an army, if it grows fat and lazy in its barracks?
Wotan the horse reminds me that it is possible to have power without needing to use it, that it is possible to have power and still be gentle.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Shirley Hollett, who says she is from “the big land,” i.e. the Labrador, caught this, unfortunately, “before the bulletin got printed. Hymn: “Now Thank we Al Our God.”
You should have left it in, Shirley, because we’ve got a lot to thank our “A-one” God for.
Mark Perry of Oil City thought the announcement about his appointment in the local newspaper should have been “Interning Minister.” Instead it read, “Interring Minister.” Says Mark, “I guess they thought we were dying off fast and furious.”
Fred Roden points up a blooper in last week’s Rumors. I referred to the number or people required for a Hebrew service as a “minion,” when it should have been “minyan.”
A “minion” is some poorly salaried, overworked sad-sack, i.e. most Protestant clergy.
Wayne Seybert of Longmont, Colorado found these bloopers.
* For the group of ladies called “Moms Who Care” and pray for the children in school. When their meeting was cancelled one week: “There will be no Moms who care this week.”* A worm welcome to all who have come today.* Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."
Kendell Nordstrom of Beloit, Wisconsin has a new title. He was listed in the bulletin as "Bible stud leader." Says Kendall, “I think it has a nice ring to it.”
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
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Wish I’d Said That! – The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.
Bertrand Russell via Jim Taylor
If to err is human, I have daily proof of my humanity.
Jayne Whyte
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Pablo Picasso via Kendell Nordstrom
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We Get Letters – Mary Lautensleger of Charlotte, North Carolina has a nine-year-old granddaughter who wants to know what a “reptile dysfunction" is? “What should I tell her?”
Mary, my grandkids are teenagers. I think they already know.
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!”) Courtesy of Fran Ota and Wilma Huston White.
Sung to the tune of "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious"When I was just ein junger Mann I studied canon law;While Erfurt was a challenge, it was just to please my Pa.Then came the storm, the lightning struck, I called upon Saint Anne,I shaved my head, I took my vows, an Augustinian! Oh...Chorus:Papal bulls, indulgences, and transubstantiationSpeak your mind against them and face excommunication!Nail your theses to the door, let's start a Reformation!Papal bulls, indulgences, and transubstantiation!When Tetzel came near Wittenberg, St. Peter's profits soared,I wrote a little notice for the All Saints' Bull'tin board:"You cannot purchase merits, for we're justified by grace!Here's 95 more reasons, Brother Tetzel, in your face!" Oh...Chorus:They loved my tracts, adored my wit, all were exempleror;The Pope, however, hauled me up before the Emperor."Are these your books? Do you recant?" King Charles did demand,"I will not change my Diet, Sir, God help me here I stand!" Oh...Chorus:Duke Frederick took the Wise approach, responding to my words,By knighting "George" as hostage in the Kingdom of the Birds.Use Brother Martin's model if the languages you seek,Stay locked inside a castle with your Hebrew and your Greek! Oh...Chorus:Let's raise our steins and Concord Books while gathered in this place,And spread the word that 'catholic' is spelled with lower case;The Word remains unfettered when the Spirit gets his chance,So come on, Katy, drop your lute, and join us in our dance! Oh...Chorus:
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Bottom of the Barrel – This from Peggy Neufeld.A young boy had just received his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he would make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut." The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair. And there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair." His father thought for a moment. "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Job 42:1-6, 10-17
Reader 1: This is a weird kind of story – this book of Job. And it just doesn’t seem right – the story starts out with God and Satan making bets on what Job is going to do.
Reader 2: Well, the first thing to realize is that the story of Job goes way, way, way, way, way way back in time.
1: What you’re trying to say is that it goes a long way back.
2: Yeah. Way, way, way..
1: (interrupting) OK. I’ve got it.
2: It’s based on a very ancient legend, in which God is talking to various angels, of whom the satan is just one. This satan not the bad guy in red underwear. And so God, in this story, isn’t necessarily all good, and the satan isn’t all bad.
1: So in today’s reading we get to the happy ending. Everybody is happy and they live happily ever after. I think we need to tell the story first so today’s reading makes some sense.
2: Well, the ending isn’t quite that simple. But you’re right. We need to tell the story. You start.
1: Once upon a time – that seems like a good way to start because it is a kind of a legend – a fairy tale – once upon a time God was walking around in heaven talking to the various angels. God spoke to one of the angels called the satan.
2: Where have you been? We’ve missed you around here.
1: Oh, I’ve been walking around on the earth looking at stuff.
2: Did you notice Job. He’s a really good man. He’s really loyal to me.
1: Well, yeah, sure he is. You’ve made it easy for him. You’ve given him everything, wealth, health, children – you name it, Job’s got it. So of course he’s loyal to you.
2: You’ve got that wrong, satan. All wrong. Job is loyal to me because he’s devoted to me.
1: You’ve got that wrong, God, all wrong. Job is loyal to you because of all the stuff you’ve given him.
2: So go and test him. Take all the that wealth and family away from him. Do anything you want, but you can’t kill him. You can take anything but not his life.
1: So one by one, the satan hits on Job. He takes away his herds of cattle. He takes away his family. He takes away his health. Job is reduced to a miserable blob of humanity sitting on an ash heap, covered with boils. Job’s wife confronts him.
2: C’mon Job. Get it over with. Curse God and die.
1: No. God has been good to me. I am loyal to my God. There must be a reason for all this, but whatever it is, I am loyal to my God.
2: Then three of Job’s friends come to see him. “Job,” they say. “Job, you must have done something really awful to deserve all this.”
1: No. That’s not true. I haven’t done anything. I have been faithful to my God. I have obeyed all the rules and done everything right.
2: Give it up, Job. All this awful stuff doesn’t come just out of nowhere. You must have slapped God in the face somehow. These things don’t just happen out of nothing.
1: No! No! I have done nothing wrong. I am faithful to God. I just need a chance to talk to God face to face. Like in a court of law. I want God to talk to me, man to man. Tell me what I have done and whether I deserve this.
2: The argument goes on for days and gets nowhere. Then another of Job’s friends comes along and tells his three friends to get lost. And for awhile, it looks as if there might be some decent discussion. But he says basically the same things as the other guys. He tries to back Job into a corner. “C’mon. ‘Fes up, Job. What did you do? You must have done something pretty ugly to deserve all this!”
1: I don’t deserve all this. I’ve done nothing wrong. All I want is to talk to God face to face. Let God tell me what I’ve done to deserve all this. I demand my day in court. I want my rights. I deserve the chance to meet with God and talk this through.
2: Well, God comes onto the scene alright. But God doesn’t sit down and talk it through with Job. God throws the universe at poor Job.
"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements – surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it? On what were its bases sunk, or who laid its cornerstone when the morning stars sang together and all the heavenly beings shouted for joy? Can you lift up your voice to the clouds, so that a flood of waters may cover you? Can you send forth lightnings, so that they may go and say to you, 'Here we are'?
And then poor Job, sitting on his ash heap and covered with sores, answers God. And this is our scripture reading for this morning. From the book of Job.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
Then Job answered the LORD:
1: "I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. 'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?' Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
'Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you declare to me.' I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes."
2: And God restored the fortunes of Job when he had prayed for his friends; and God gave Job twice as much as he had before. Then there came to him all his brothers and sisters and all who had known him before, and they ate bread with him in his house; they showed him sympathy and comforted him for all the evil that God had brought upon him; and each of them gave him a piece of money and a gold ring.
1: God blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning; and he had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen, and a thousand donkeys. He also had seven sons and three daughters.
2: Job named the first daughter Jemimah, the second Keziah, and the third Keren-happuch.
1: In all the land there were no women so beautiful as Job's daughters; and their father gave them an inheritance along with their brothers.
2: After this Job lived one hundred and forty years, and saw his children, and his children's children, four generations.
1: And Job died, old and full of days.
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A somewhat irreverent paraphrase of the Job narrative
by Jim Taylor
This play takes about 15 minutes to read out loud or to act out.
Announcer: Warning. The following program may contain coarse language and scenes of graphic depiction that may offend small children and old ladies. Viewer caution is advised.
Narrator: God and Satan are having tea together.
Satan: Mmmmm... Nice blend.
God: Thank you. It’s prepared specially for me. It’s grown only in the highest tea plantations above Darjeeling, in the Himalayas, and they only pick the newest leaves from virgin bushes.
Satan: You do live quite well, don’t you?
God: Well, I am everything, after all.
Satan: That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I think some of your followers are deluded.
God: In what way?
Satan: Well, they believe that because you are perfect, they should also be perfect. And because you have everything, they should have everything too.
God: That’s a ridiculous argument.
Satan: But you play into it, don’t you? Can you deny that you favour your believers with prosperity and long life?
God: I do not. If they believe in me, they tend to lead healthier lives. That’s the reason for their prosperity and longevity.
Satan: Will all due respect, I think your followers believe in you only because they’re convinced you reward them.
God: That’s not true. They would be faithful even if things went badly.
Satan: Prove it!
God: All right. There’s Job, who’s never done anything wrong in his life. He would believe in me no matter what happened to him.
Satan: I’d like to test that theory.
God: Go ahead. Torment him any way you want – you can’t make him crack.
Scene 1
Shift to Job, reclining in a La-Z-boy chair, sipping champagne, while a gorgeous maid drops grapes into his open mouth.
Narrator: Job is a wealthy man. He has a big family, flocks of sheep and cattle, and investments in all the big banks. But he is unaware that disaster is about to fall upon him. A servant comes rushing in.
Servant rushes in,
Servant: Sir! Sir! Disaster has fallen upon you! You are ruined!
Job waves a hand languidly at the servant.
Job: Stop! That’s no way to deliver bad news. You must learn how to break bad news gently, progressively, so as to lead your hearer gradually to a realization of what has happened.
Servant: But, but...
Job: No buts, my friend. Now, you pretend you’re me, and I’m you, bringing bad news. So I would start this way – Sir, I regret to inform you that your goldfish has died.
Servant: (struggling to comprehend) My goldfish?
Job: Yes. Unfortunately, it expired when a roof beam of your house fell upon its aquarium.
Servant: My house?
Job: It was the fire. The local volunteer fire brigade were unable to control it before it spread out of the garage.
Servant: The garage?
Job: (enjoying his imaginative narrative greatly. The maid continues to drop grapes into his mouth.) Indeed. The gas tank on the Ferrari exploded in the heat generated by the flaming barn next door.
Servant: The barn?
Job: Your sheep were out in the field when they were struck by lightning. Their coats were still smouldering when they stampeded into the barn and set it alight. (pauses for thought) Now, what else can I add?
Servant: Your family?
Job: Of course! All your sons and daughters were working in the loft, storing grain in bins, when the old timbers of the barn ignited. Unfortunately, they were all incinerated. But that’s actually good news, because it will save you the costs of cremation. (finishing off with a flourish) Which is just as well, because your banks are all bankrupt, and the government has just nationalized them, so your shares are worthless! (leans back satisfied with himself) There – see how easy it is when you lead into these things gently? (pause, while he recollects the purpose of this exercise) Now, then, what was it you wanted to tell me?
Servant: (wringing his hands and squirming) Sir, it’s about your goldfish...
The maid stops dropping grapes into Job’s mouth, and walks away. Job squats on a stool, scrunched up in despair.
Scene 2
Narrator: Job’s creditors demand repayment.
Creditors surround Job. They strip off his jacket, tie, sweater, shoes, socks (or whatever he’s wearing)
Narrator: They even take the shirt off his back.
One of the creditors rips Job’s shirt off.
Narrator: But despite Job’s misfortunes, he remains philosophical.
Job: (huddled on the stool) Naked I came, naked I will return. God gives, God takes away. That’s good enough for me.
Job’s wife: Oh, you typical man! Quit milking your misery for sympathy!
Job: I am not milking it. I’m being brave!
Job’s wife: You’re being punished. Go ahead! Curse God and get it over with!
Job: Oh, you typical woman! Take a larger view! Can we expect only to receive good things from God, and not an occasional negative? April showers bring May flowers.
Job’s wife: Enough of your damned platitudes. What about me? Those were my children too, you know.
Job: You shouldn’t take these things personally.
Scene 3
Narrator: Job has gone to squat in the local landfill, because that’s what he feels like.
Job: I am so miserable that I wish I hadn’t been born. If only my mother had miscarried, or my father had smashed my head against a rock. If this is what life comes to, why was it worth feeding me, training me, teaching me? And you know what’s worse? The universe doesn’t give a damn! The sun comes up; the sun goes down; the world rolls on as if I don’t matter at all. I’m not only miserable, I’m nothing!
Three friends enter
Narrator: Three of Job’s friends come to console him, but when they see what he’s come to, they are themselves in shock. For seven days, they don’t know what to say. Then they start to find words.
Bildad: Enough of this sitting around.
Eliphaz: Yes. I’ve got things to do.
Zophar: Promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.
Bildad: Let’s get on with this. Who wants to go first?
Eliphaz: Buck up, man. People look up to you. Don’t let them down. If they see you doubting the goodness of God, they may do the same. You know God is responsible for everything. So God must be doing this to you for a reason.
Job: I’ve done nothing wrong.
Bildad: You must have done something wrong. This cannot be unjust punishment, because that would make God unjust, and that’s impossible. So repent for whatever you’ve done, even if you don’t know you’ve done it.
Job: To repent for something I didn’t do would be a lie. I cannot lie to God. But this is an unequal contest; I can no more argue with God than a kindergarten child can argue with a lawyer. This is so awful, I’d take up drinking, if I could afford to drink.
Zophar: The fact that you’re being punished proves that you must have done something wrong. Repent and all will be well again. God will forgive you for your pride.
Job: Don’t treat me like an idiot with your meaningless dogmas! It’s all very well for you – you still have your families, your government pension plans. (To God) Quit picking on me – either leave me alone or let me get well again!
Eliphaz: If you hadn’t done wrong before, you certainly have now. Your words are blasphemy. They threaten the very fundamentals of our faith.
Job: Hey, buster, reverse the situation! If you were in my shoes, how would you feel? (To God) I wish I could die.
Bildad: You can’t blame anyone but yourself for this. We all know that the wicked cause their own downfall by their actions.
Job: What utter bullshit! You’re blaming the victim instead of the oppressor. For some reason, God has turned against me. Even my breath is so rotten now that my wife won’t let me come near her.
Zophar: I can’t restrain myself any more. You’re talking nonsense! We know that wickedness always gets its comeuppance in the end!
Job: Don’t talk to me about nonsense! You know very well it doesn’t work that way in real life. Open your eyes, you pompous ideolog!
Eliphaz: I take back all those good things I said about you originally. I see now that you are a wicked, rebellious man.
Job: I have not done anything wrong. I have not rebelled against God. Life itself is unjust, unfair. Show me that it is not so.
Bildad: When you call yourself righteous, you lie in your teeth, you self-deluded fool.
Job: Who’s self-deluded? You are! You actually think your puny mind can understand the whole of God, as if God were a puppet and you held all the strings. You’re wrong. I believe that God is truth; therefore I will speak the truth whatever the consequences. I will not pretend. I will not lie to appease either you, or God. (Appalled, the three friends back away.) Once I was happy, once I was admired and respected, but now I am an object of derision. (To the friends) If you can name one thing I have done wrong, I will admit it and repent. But be specific. I’m sick of your abstract moralizing.
Scene 4
Narrator: A young man has been eavesdropping on this debate.
Elihu: Sorry to butt in, guys, but the rest of you are obviously clueless, so I want to bring some perspective into this business. (To Job) Hey, man, where do you get off thinking you can talk back to God? God is way greater than you are. If God chooses to punish you for something, who are you to object? (To the three friends) You guys keep missing the point. The problem is not whether God is just or not, but your presumptions about what constitutes justice. Clearly, God is afflicting Job for some reason. But it’s not working yet. Job hasn’t suffered enough yet to see the light, so he is adding rebellion to whatever the original cause was. Maybe when he has suffered a lot more, he’ll smarten up. You know that in everything God works for good, so it follows that God changes the afflicted by giving them their affliction. You three are so preoccupied with your notions of justice than you’re forgetting about God. Praise God’s greatness, and quit sweating the small stuff.
Scene 4
Fed up with all the arguments, God takes the stand personally.
God: What kind of arrogant worm are you, questioning my impartiality? Where were you, when I created the universe, when I established the four forces that hold everything together, when I put the sun and the stars into their orbits and established conditions that enabled life to flourish? Have you devised the Grand Unified Theory of Everything yet? Then quit finding fault with me!
Job: I have shot off my mouth. I will keep it zipped from here on.
God: No you won’t, because I gave you humans responsibilities. It’s not good enough for you to hunker down and act fatalistic. You must act on my behalf. You must create the justice you keep longing for. But don’t overestimate your abilities, and don’t start thinking that you are God.
Job: I spoke out of turn. I’m sorry.
Conclusion
Narrator: For being satisfied with fine words instead of actions, the three friends have to give away some of their own wealth to get Job started on the long process of recovery. Then and only then do his brothers and sisters come to share some of their own possessions with him. Eventually Job’s wealth and status is restored.
He has three daughters and seven sons. But he has obviously been changed by his encounter with God, because the story records the names of the daughters, but not of the sons. And it notes that in a radical departure from the customs of his time, he shared his estate equally with the daughters, as well as the sons.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (Change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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