R U M O R S # 584
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2010-01-10
January 10th, 2010
KEEP THE PARTY GOING
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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IMPORTANT: I really appreciate your notes, and Rumors is the richer for them. To protect me from viruses, please be sure that you put something on the "subject" line that lets me know that you are legit. For instance, the word "Rumors" works. And please give us your name and where you’re from. Folks like to know. Please don’t expect me to remember. My “forgetter” works more efficiently with each passing year.
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The Story – a mother knows
Rumors – whips and wine
Soft Edges – going to church
Bloopers – a wart torn country
Mirabile Dictu! – fringe benefits
Bottom of the Barrel – baby cheeses
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 2:1-11
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – It seems that in one particular town there were two people of the same name. Well almost. Rev. Smith and Mr. Smith.
As it happened Mr. Smith took a trip to India. Coincidentally, Rev. Smith suffered a heart attack and died. Because of an unfortunate mix-up in e-mail addresses, Rev. Smith’s spouse received the following note with other condolences.
“Arrived safely. Unprepared for extreme heat.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, January 17th, which is the Second Sunday after the Epiphany.
* Isaiah 62:1-5
* Psalm 36:5-10
* 1 Corinthians 12:1-11
* John 2:1-11
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – John 2:1-11
Jim says –
I want to explore the nature of intoxication. It must be something we enjoy – or we wouldn’t pursue it so much. Granted, we all know that alcohol dulls the senses. But it’s not just alcohol that intoxicates. We also fall in love (sometimes over and over again). We ride snowmobiles at dizzying speeds, or go bungee jumping, or white water rafting.... We love that adrenalin rush, that feeling of shaking off the fetters of inhibition, the exhilaration of launching ourselves into a new adventure.
Under the spell of intoxication, everything seems clearer. Skies seem bluer, brighter. Roses smell sweeter. Cares drop away. Our lives take on a clarity of purpose we could not have imagined otherwise.
It’s that kind of intoxication that Gordon Light evokes in his song “Cana Wine.” (http://www.commoncup.com/catalog/index.htm if you want to pursue it.) And it’s that kind of intoxication that Paul promises in Corinthians. Look at his list of gifts that come with the Spirit: wisdom, knowledge, healing, miracles, prophecy, speaking in tongues....
We in the mainline denominations are terrified of intoxication. That’s why – officially at least – we oppose alcohol abuse. And why we’re suspicious of pentecostal experiences. We’re afraid of losing control, of setting aside our critical faculties.
We don’t dare abandon ourselves to spirits, or to the Spirit.
But Jesus – unless we choose to ignore John’s testimony – created 120-plus gallons of wine for the guests. You better bet some of them got intoxicated. They lost control.
Just like the disciples did, at Pentecost.
Ralph says
One of the things I love about John’s gospel is that the writer has Jesus, for his first miracle, keep the party going. And the story right after that has Jesus angrily wading right into a place where ordinary folks are getting ripped off and physically wrecks the place.
Later in that gospel there are those interminably long, mind-numbing theological discourses. It’s hard to believe that a wine-making, table-turning man would ever talk that way.
I spent six weeks in Israel some years ago studying biblical archeology and John’s gospel. As an exercise, I stripped all the theological discourse out of the gospel to see what was left, and discovered to my surprise, a short but complete story of an energetic and loveable Jesus.
The Cana wine story is delightful for a number of other reasons. When Jesus snaps at his mom for suggesting he can do something about the wine shortage, she ignores him totally and tells the servants to “Do whatever he tells you.” She knows. And of course Jesus comes through in spades.
Another delightful thing is that there are at least three locations in Israel that claim to be the biblical Cana and have absolutely the exact water jugs Jesus used to make the wine.
Which reminds me of the story of two churches in Europe – France, I think – that both claimed to have the desiccated head of John the Baptizer. When this was called to the attention of the priest in one of the churches, the reply was, “Well, theirs is the head of John the Baptizer as a young man.”
Isaiah 62:1-5 – I had a long conversation a few days ago with a young man who is serving a parish in another denomination. The problems he talked about are exactly the same kind of problem we have in my own denomination. In fact, all the main-line denominations in Canada are suffering from a loss of member participation, and the consequent loss of money. At the same gathering, I talked with an older clergy and we laughed together about the good old days when the church had things like money. Nowadays the conversations are largely about how to cut back with the least damage possible. Not healthy at all.
I don’t know if this is the situation outside of Canada, though I rather suspect it may be. But perhaps this passage can come to us as a word of hope. We are in the valley of the shadow, covered with bones (to mix a couple of references) but God knows where it is all leading even if we don’t.
Psalm 36:5-10 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
5 Your door is always open, God.
You stand at your door, and welcome all who come to it.
6 Entry to your home is not limited to your friends,
your associates, your social class.
You extend your welcome to everyone and everything:
Beggars and outcasts, oppressors and victims,
People who have handicaps and drifters
who huddle under bridges and in culverts.
From the rats cowering in their sewers
to the birds soaring among the clouds–
You make them all welcome in your home.
7 All of creation is your household, God.
All can live together in harmony under your roof.
8 In your kitchens they are fed;
In your living room, they are entertained and uplifted.
9 For you are life itself.
10 Continue to give us life, O Lord.
Show us how to live in harmony in your home.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
1 Corinthians 12:1-11 – This passage of Paul’s letter implies a big question. Can you be a Christian all by yourself? Paul’s answer is a firm “no.” Everyone of us is incomplete. Not a single one of us has all the gifts needed to live a Christian life.
It also implies a huge affirmation. Everyone of us has gifts to offer, and we are needed by the community. No exceptions. And we need the community, not only to discover our gifts, but to help us realize there are some things we just can’t and shouldn’t do. Much as we might like to.
You’ll find a children’s version of the Corinthian passage in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C,” page 45, called “Many Different Kinds of People.” There’s also a story based on the gospel passage called “The Wonderful Wedding Party,” on page 47.
If you don’t own this helpful three-volume resource, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – Whips and wine
This is not a re-telling of John’s Gospel. I let my imagination loose and soon I had a story that featured Mary of Magdala who isn’t in the first part of John and isn’t connected the wedding in Cana or the cleansing of the temple.
It’s a story. Enjoy it and see if it talks to you.
I had a song going through my head...
"Cana wine, Cana wine,
working on my heart and mind..."
And you know how it is. Once you get a song like that in your head, you keep humming it over and over. And I felt just great, because it really was such a wonderful wedding there in Cana. Such a celebration. We laughed. We cried. We danced.
I drank a bit too much, I guess. O, I wasn't out of control or anything, but I woke up the next day with a headache, a bad headache actually, but that song kept running through the headache. Sick and happy at the same time.
Now as we walked toward Jerusalem, I kept singing the song...
"....flowing free, filling me,
till I lose all sense of time..."
"Mary!" Jesus spoke almost sharply. We had stopped to rest by a spring in a wadi. "We have to walk more quickly or we won't reach Jerusalem before Passover."
"And I'm slowing you down?" I asked.
"Yes. No. Not really. I'm sorry, Mary." Jesus was smiling but I could tell he was worried. I knew his moods. I could sense his fears. He was a strong man, but a man nevertheless, and sometimes afraid.
"Mary, when you were so sick, in Magdala, when we first met. And I was able to help you get rid of that sickness, those demons that were destroying you...do you remember how at first you were angry at me?"
"Yes. It's always scary to change. I guess I'd grown comfortable with my own sickness. That was my identity. When you took that away, I had to change, and I don't think I wanted to."
Jesus looked very sober. Then he grinned. "Let's get going. Sing the song a bit faster, Mary. It'll speed us up a little."
It wasn't till we were near Jerusalem that Jesus began talking about the temple and the money changers. "They charge a whole day’s wages just to change foreign coins into temple money. That's way too much. It's not fair to the poor people. And the price for those animals for sacrifice? An animal costs ten times as much in the temple as it does in the marketplace. And Mary, God doesn't even want those burnt offerings. God wants our hearts, not burnt meat."
Jesus walked in silence for awhile. There was a fire building in his eyes. The muscles in his jaw pulsed under his beard.
"And the Gentiles. That's all they can see of the temple. All they get is the yelling and shouting and the money changing and the stink. And that's where they're supposed to pray. They can't get any further inside the temple. Can you imagine trying to pray in a place like that?"
I'd never been to Jerusalem. This was my first visit and till this moment, I'd been excited and happy.
"What are you going to do, Jesus?"
"I shouldn't do anything. If I'm smart, I'll keep my mouth shut."
"You're not much good at being smart when you're upset, Jesus." That comment got me an annoyed look, then a grudging smile.
Jesus didn't tell me what he planned to do in the temple. I don't think he knew himself. But the more he thought about the temple, the more he got upset.
We stopped at Bethany, just outside Jerusalem, to stay with our friends, the sisters Mary and Martha and their brother Lazarus. It was a pleasant evening, catching up on old friends, gentle arguments, new ideas. They wanted to know all about the wedding in Cana. I told them how we seemed to run out of wine, then suddenly there were six huge jars full of the best wine we ever tasted.
"Hey, wasn't that a party?" Lazarus said. He suspected Jesus had something to do with the wine, but Jesus just smiled and wouldn't say a thing.
The next morning, Jesus was up and gone before I was awake.
"He went to the temple," said Martha.
"But we were going to go together!" I was angry.
"I think he needed to go alone," said Martha. "He seemed to have something very heavy on his mind."
"He's upset about the money changers, Martha. I'm just afraid he's going to do something crazy that'll get him into trouble."
Which is exactly what happened. He came rushing in at noon that day. His cloak was torn. He had an ugly bruise on his cheek. And as I went to him, I smelled the acrid sweat of tension.
"We have to go right away, Mary," he said.
"But I haven't been to the temple yet. I haven't even been into Jerusalem."
"I'm sorry. All right." he snapped.
And so we left and walked together in a tense, unhappy silence. But then, the hard walking – the coolness of the evening seemed to dissipate the fear and anger and frustration of the day. Leaning against a rock that night, Jesus told me what he had done, how he had gone into the temple intent on simply explaining why things needed to change.
"I tried to tell them how evil it was to do this in the temple. But nobody would listen. I lost my temper," Jesus said sadly. "I just lost it and I started turning over tables and lashing out at people and yelling at them. I even made a whip and started beating at them."
I sighed. "And they'll be no more grateful to you than I was, when you purged the evil from my life."
The sun had set. The shadows closed around us. The evening star was bright and clear against the gathering darkness.
"It's better to make wine," I said.
"Hmmm?"
"It's better to make wine than whips. Good wine softens the soul. A whip hardens the heart."
Jesus looked long and deeply at the evening star. "Amen, Mary," he finally said, and closed his eyes into an exhausted sleep.
There were more stars now. Have you noticed that in the night, there is more darkness in the sky than there is light? But it's the light we see. It's the light that shines into our soul.
And so I sang my song into myself and to the stars...
"....a new life's rising in me too,
like an overflowing stream,
and it comes from the taste of Cana wine..."*
*Common Cup Company,
from Turnings, Music Resources for Lent and Easter,
United Church Publishing House, Toronto.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Going to Church
“Why do you go to church?” a correspondent asked.
I’ve wondered that myself. As regular readers have long deduced, I don’t believe any church is perfect. Nor do I consider all the teachings of any church absolute, authoritative.
To tell the truth, I probably go to church mostly out of habit. My father was a minister; I didn't have much choice about going as a child. As a teenager, I got drafted to teach Sunday school; as an adult, I got put onto boards and committees; in later life, the church hired me as a journalist...
In other words, I've been involved with church all my life. I would find it hard to imagine life without some connection to it.
But even as I write that, I realize it's not an adequate answer.
I have friends there, of course. But I have had friends in other organizations too – Scouts, Rotary, charitable organizations...
Perhaps we’re friends because we share the habit of church-going.
Or maybe there's more – we share a common conviction that religious beliefs matter, even if we don't agree on what those beliefs are, or should be.
Other social contacts seem to take for granted that the purpose of life is to make money, to stay healthy, to enjoy oneself, or serve others, to get an adrenalin rush...
Church, when it goes well, reminds me that I am part of a larger scheme of things.
That doesn’t necessarily imply a supernatural being who pulls the strings of the universe. I don’t believe that God – by whatever name -– deliberately causes a landslide to wipe out a village in the Philippines or an earthquake to crumble a city in Pakistan. Nor do I believe that God meddles in life so that one football team wins, or that one person's cancer is cured and another's isn't. I certainly don't believe in an almighty watchmaker who determined, eons ago, which mosquito will get slapped when it lands on my arm.
But I do believe that there is some kind of purpose and meaning to life. If everything happens by random chance – more precisely, if cause and effect unfold predictably after an unpredictable singularity –- why should I bother being kind, thoughtful, sensitive...?
Isn’t it all inevitable, anyway?
How that purpose, that meaning, comes into being, doesn’t matter to me. What matters is trying to live in harmony with it.
I've been fortunate in having ministers who were secure enough in their own faith that they could push me to explore mine, without feeling threatened by where that exploration might take me.
If I got a minister who was less open, I might have to look for another church. Or I might have to learn to turn my mind off while enjoying my friendships.
But I think I would still have to connect to a church –- some church, somewhere –- to keep reminding me that I am not all there is.
There is more.
Even if I don’t understand what it is.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Alissa Bender of Calgary Alberta writes: “This typo almost made it into our bulletin. The corrected sentence is a tragic enough reality to face that maybe it was a bit of a relief to have a chance to have a chuckle about the blooper. We were told that an offering would be received for the work of "rebuilding health services in the wart-torn country of Congo".
From the file:
* I was hungry and you gave me something to eat; I was thirty and you gave me drink.
* We are an autonomous body, operating under the hardship of Jesus Christ.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
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Wish I’d Said That! – The cure for the evils of democracy is more democracy.
H. L. Mencken via Eduard Hiebert
Religious belief can be very close to madness. It has brought human beings to acts of criminal folly, as well as to the highest achievements of goodness, creativity and generosity.
Diarmaid MacCulloch
What lies behind us and what lies before us are inconsequential compared to what lies within us.
source unknown via Don Sandin
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “fringe benefits!”) This from “figmo” who either doesn’t want to admit sending stuff like this to me, or thinks I remember his/her name. Thanks, whoever you are.
Subject: How to Stay Safe
1.. Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20% of all fatal accidents.
2. Do not stay home because 17% of all accidents occur in the home.
3. Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks because 14% of all accidents occur to pedestrians.
4. Avoid traveling by air, rail, or water because 16% of all accidents involve these forms of transportation.
5. Of the remaining 33%, 32% of all deaths occur in Hospitals. So, above all else, avoid hospitals.
However, you will be pleased to learn that only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are usually related to previous physical disorders. Therefore, logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any given time is at church!
And Bible study is safe, too. The percentage of deaths during Bible study is even less. So, attend church, and read your Bible. It could save your life.
You can go to church and just sit there being safe, which lots of people do. But if you move around a bit and get talking to some of the folks, you’ll find a whole batch of really neat fringe benefits.
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Bottom of the Barrel – George Brigham of Retford, Nottinghamshire, England writes: “A colleague was leading an all-age service on Christmas Day. During part of the service an idea adapted from Pictionary was used. The minister whispered various elements of the Christmas story in the ears of obliging children. The recipient of the message was asked to draw on a whiteboard at the front.
“The congregation were then invited to guess who, or what was drawn. Part way through, the minister whispered in a 10-year-old's ear. Out front he proudly drew some wedge shaped objects, but no one could guess where they fitted in the story.
"’What have you drawn?’" the minister finally asked the child.
“The child was surprised that the minister couldn’t remember. ‘Baby cheeses, of course.’"
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 2:1-11
(NOTE: It would be good if Reader 1 were female.)
Reader 1: Today, the story is about the time Jesus turned the water into wine. And this puzzles me, because I can remember when most churches were dead against alcohol. Ever. Under any circumstances.
Reader 2: It wasn’t long ago when alcoholic drinks of any kind were outlawed in many parts of the world. And it was the churches that were most against it.
1: So how did they reconcile that, and this story. Here right near the beginning of John’s gospel. Jesus’ very first miracle was to keep the party going.
2: Social change. Who knows how it happens? So I really can’t answer your question.
1: When we were looking at this scripture earlier, you were giggling about Mary, Jesus mother. What did you find so funny?
2: Well, she’s the typical mother, isn’t she? They run out of wine and she goes to Jesus with the problem. Jesus snaps at her and basically tells her to cool it. He’s not ready to do his magic act. She ignores him and tells the stewards just to do what Jesus tells them. You can almost feel her giving Jesus a good stern motherly look. And of course, he does what his mama tells him. He makes the wine. Not just wine, but the best wine ever, even though most of the folks at the wedding reception were already too sloshed to know the difference.
1: So let’s read the story. It’s from the second chapter of John’s gospel.
SLIGHT PAUSE
2: On the third day there was a wedding in Cana of Galilee, and the mother of Jesus was there. Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding. When the wine gave out, the mother of Jesus spoke to him.
1: "They have no wine."2: "Woman, what concern is that to you and to me? My hour has not yet come."1: “Hey, servants! Do whatever Jesus tells you."2: Now standing there were six stone water jars for the Jewish rites of purification.
1: Each one of those jars would hold twenty or thirty gallons. So Jesus spoke to the servants.2: "Fill the jars with water." 1: Which is what they did. They filled them up to the brim.2: "Now draw some out, and take it to the chief steward."
1: So they took the wine to the steward who tasted the water that had become wine, and did not know where it came from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew.
2: Then the steward called to the bridegroom.1: "Everyone serves the good wine first, and then the inferior wine after the guests have become drunk. But you have kept the good wine until now."2: Jesus did this, the first of his signs, in Cana of Galilee, and revealed his glory. And his disciples believed in him.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Praching Materials for January 10, 2010
R U M O R S # 583
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2010-01-03
January 3, 2010
BAPTISMAL THEATRE
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Now’s the time to live up to that New Year’s resolution you should have made to put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.
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The Story – graduation day
Rumors – nativity controversy
Soft Edges – keep our ancestors alive
Bloopers – the joke is easy
We Get Letters – (see Rumors above)
Mirabile Dictu! – bladder urge
Bottom of the Barrel – the Goldberg brothers
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 3:15-17, 21-22
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – Grandma and grandpa were celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. The local reporter came and asked them all kinds of ridiculous questions, such as, “Do you participate in sports?”
“Nope!” said Grandma. “My parents won’t let me.”
“Your parents?”
“Yep. Mother Nature and Father Time.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, January 10th, which is “The Baptism of Our Lord Sunday,” and for which the suggested readings are:
* Isaiah 43:1-7
* Psalm 29
* Acts 8:14-17
* Luke 3:15-17, 21-22
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – is Luke 3:15-17, 21-22
Jim says –
The image that comes to mind, for me, is a university graduation. This particular reading from Luke could imply that Jesus alone went into the river with John. But the other gospels make clear that large numbers of people flocked to the Jordan – to see and hear John, to experience his immersion as a sign of repentance and new beginnings.
So I visualize lines of people inching forward. When they get to the podium – or the river – the presider says some mumbo-jumbo over them, perhaps places a hood on their shoulders or a mortarboard on their heads, hands them a rolled certificate... And the assembly line grinds on.
For Jesus, of course, there was no diploma or scarlet hood. Rather, God’s spirit settled upon him. He had graduated from his preparatory years. Now he could go out and practice the profession God had in mind for him.
Luke makes that connection with his next verse: “Jesus was about 30 years old when he began his work...”
But a graduation is also for friends and relatives. I would wonder who else observed Jesus graduation ceremony, there at the river. Were his parents there? His siblings? Every graduate is special, of course. But who else sat in the bleachers to cheer him on? Whose hearts swelled with pride as John dipped Jesus under the water? Who else sensed light shining on their special one, like a dove lighting on his shoulders?
The concept of a graduation ceremony gives me a different perspective from which to view this turning point in Jesus’ life.
Ralph says –
Although the details differ considerably, this story of Jesus’ baptism occurs in all four gospels, which means it must have been very important to the early Christian community. Baptism, as an act of entry into the Christian community, has been a central symbol of the Christian church ever since. And it still is, at least for all the major denominations.
“The church and the theatre are children of the same womb,” says Tom Driver. Baptism is a bit of theatre. God does not need water – sprinkled, poured or dipped in – to enter our hearts and become the creative force in our lives. God didn’t need it for Jesus and the early church. God doesn’t need it now. But we need it because there are some things words simply can’t do.
The act of baptism is a way of dramatizing a truth, a reality. The dramatization helps those involved and those who are watching, understand a deeper realty that is beyond the power of words. “A visible and outward sign of an inner spiritual realty,” is a way of saying this without using naughty words like “drama” and “theatre.”
But if we thought of this sacrament as theatre we would find many small and big ways of underlining its significance in the faith community. This is already happening in many places, including the congregation where I worship. There’s oil, there’s a candle, there’s a certificate.
Baptism may again have the power it had for the early Christian community.
Isaiah 43:1-7 – The prophet is using some broad metaphors here. Those who take the reading literally tend to wind up drowned or fried. What the reading underlines, for me at least, is the power of God that makes it possible to do things you never thought possible.
For me that includes gathering the 8,147 souls from the four corners of the globe (see vs. 5 & 6) to read this thing called Rumors. It’s both gratifying and frightening.
Psalm 29 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Celebrating Baptism
A river in flood is an awesome sight.
1 Don't try to cross the river alone, my child.
2 Let your father carry you.
3 The waves are higher than your head;
the torrent will sweep you away.
4,5 It rolls the rocks in their beds;
it bites earth from its banks;
even mighty trees topple and fall.
6 But you will be safe in your father's arms.
He will hold your head above water;
7 His feet will stand firm against the flood.
8 Trust him.
Wrap your arms around his neck, where he can murmur comfort in your ear.
9 Then you will know the torrent cannot touch you.
11 Your father is much stronger than you are.
Trust him to carry you to safety.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Acts 8:14-17 – This passage is a bit puzzling because most of us (I think) see baptism as a symbol of the entry of the Holy Spirit into our lives. Adult baptism at least.
But as I sit here thinking of this, I realize that many Christians would insist that a powerful experience, a moment of deep emotion, a “born again” experience, is the time when the Spirit genuinely enters our lives.
For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C,” page 40, for a story called “Throw Your Money in the River,” which expands the reading in Acts to tell the entire story. And on page 43 you’ll find a story based on the reading from Luke, and it’s called “Jesus is Baptized.”
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – This periodical is not a vehicle for theological or biblical discussion, but I think I need to respond to all the letters I’ve received about the Nativity story I ran in Rumors just before Christmas. The thing that generated all the letters was a story in which Mary was raped by a Roman soldier.
A few of the responses were wildly appreciative. A few others were angrily critical. Most were somewhere in-between and they were kind and thoughtful.
It doesn't concern me when people disagree with what I write in Rumors. If you agreed with everything I say, then I probably haven’t said very much.
I write my stories in the Jewish tradition of the Aggada, where, when you can't explain something, you tell a story. The story won't explain it either, but it will lead you to something more important. And that is a sense of God's presence in your unknowing. You will be refreshed by that mystery. Because a mystery is not a puzzle to be solved, but a well to which you can go over and over, to find refreshment.
Perhaps I should have explained that story ahead of time, but then that might have destroyed the story. Good stories can never be explained.
Maybe I should have said this. Such stories are never an attempt to re-write history. Or to deny scripture. They are an attempt to shine a light on the story from a different angle.
Among the mysteries where I have found refreshment over and over again is the mystery of God's continual choice of the lowest, the meanest, the most despised, the rejected, to live the truth. That happens over and over again in the Hebrew tradition, and Jesus continued that tradition in his choice of disciples. And I feel the tradition continues now, because how else can I explain my call as a Christian writer?
So to understand that mystery – that miracle – I had Mary in my story, raped by a Roman soldier. That would have put her below the bottom of the social ladder. I did that to underline that mystery – a God who continually goes to the most despised and rejected – to find the people who can – who will – respond to the call.
The story was not an attempt to re-write Luke's gospel though many understood it that way, which I regret. And it was certainly not an attempt to show that God could not – did not – work miracles.
I've received a lot of letters about that story – more than about anything else I've written recently. By far the greatest number have come from women (though a few men have said this too) who had been sexually abused in a number of ways. They were deeply grateful to read a story about someone who had been so violated – "soiled" was a word one woman used – that they might be chosen by God to birth a miracle. I don't think they were trying to re-write the story. They wanted to broaden it to include people like them.
That may not be an adequate response to all your concerns. It has certainly generated a lot of thought and generated a lot of feelings, all of which is good.
And deep thanks to all of you who have written. It has been for me a powerful and affirming experience.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Keeping Our Ancestors Alive
When my wife Joan was about four years old, her father made her a doll crib. She treasured it. When Joan grew up and left home, her parents gave the crib to a young niece. But she always knew the crib was Joan’s.
Last year that niece telephoned Joan. “I thought we had lost your old crib,” she said, “but I found it. Do you want it back?”
The old crib had been repainted, several times. Its joints were breaking apart. But it was still the beloved old crib.
Over the summer, Joan stripped many layers of paint. She sanded the bare wood smooth again. She repainted it its original white. She made a new mattress for it, sewed two new sheets and a pillow with lace trim, even stitched a tiny quilt.
We took the refurbished crib to Edmonton as a Christmas present for five-year-old Katherine.
“Your great-grandfather made this crib,” Joan explained.
Katherine was, I regret to say, unimpressed. Katherine preferred her kiddy rock-star guitar, or the Barbie-doll that sang a single mindless tune into a karaoke microphone.
After all, neither the crib nor the doll lying in it did anything. They didn’t make sounds, they didn’t dance, they didn’t offer interactive beeps – they just, well, lay there…
I admit that I was disappointed. Somehow, I expected Katherine to feel thrilled at receiving something that had already survived three generations.
But history, I realize, means little to a generation raised on instant everything.
And my generation has not succeeding in bringing the past alive, I regret.
We tend to think that we must teach the past as academic data and dates. Facts – the Taylors came from Scotland, the Andersons from Sweden, the Rentz family from Ohio, the Frackeltons from Northern Ireland…. Assorted dates – 1800, 1827, 1907, 1910, 1930….
But it’s stories that make the past come to life. Stories about the carpenter who had to make his own tools. The merchant who opened the bank’s very first account. The missionary who had given up hopes of getting married…
We need to tell these stories until they become so familiar they form a background to every daily activity, a running counterpoint to life’s familiar themes.
We might learn something from what we often consider more primitive societies. In a sense, they don’t just know about their ancestors – they are their ancestors. Biblical people, for example, didn’t just learn about Abraham and Jacob and Moses, about Sarah and Rachel and Esther. They made no distinction between themselves and their ancestors.
This integration of past and present is not always benign. Neighbours will get along without violence for generations – in Bosnia or Northern Ireland or Africa – until circumstances re-ignite their forebears’ feuds..
Because the feuds were kept alive by the stories they told.
That’s not good. But neither is it good to ignore our past, to live in a world that knows nothing but the present.
When we have no past, we cannot learn from it.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – from the file
* Child care provided with reservations.
* Mark your calendars not to attend the church retreat.
* My joke is easy and my burden is light.
And this one. It’s been here in Rumors before (well, so has a lot of other stuff) but it needs to be repeated in view of today’s scripture. It was the lector who said solemnly, “Today we will hear the story of how Jesus was baptized by Jordan in the John.”
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
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Wish I’d Said That! – Religion should arise from the experience of all things."
Albert Einstein via Stephani Keer
Take hope from the human heart and we become a beast of prey.
Marie Louise de la Ramce
Minds are like parachutes – not much good unless they are open.
source unknown via Evelyn McLachlan
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We Get Letters – see “Rumors” above for news about some particularly energetic feedback.
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “bladder urge!”) What with the New Year and a new decade, and my own celebration of three-quarters of a century, age is a bit on my mind. Those of you who have not yet reached this exalted status known as “old age” have this to look forward to.
* Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
* The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
* You feel like the morning after the night before, and you haven’t been anywhere.
* Your “little black book” contains only names ending in MD.
* You get winded playing cards.
* Your children begin to look middle-aged.
* You join a health club and don’t go.
* A dripping faucet causes an uncomfortable bladder urge.
* You know all the answers but nobody asks the questions.
* You look forward to a dull evening.
* You need your glasses to find your glasses.
* You turn out the lights for economic reasons.
* You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
* You knees buckle but your belt won’t.
* Your back goes out more than you do.
* You have too much room in your house and not enough in your medicine chest.
* You sink your teeth into a good steak and they stay there.
* You wonder why more people aren’t using big print.
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Bottom of the Barrel – This from Clayton McWhirter of Gibbons Alberta:
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 40C.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.
So, now you know...
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 3:15-17, 21-22
Reader 1: Today in our scripture we have the story of how Jesus was baptized.
Reader 2: Yes, and it must have been an important story for the early church because all four Gospels tell it.
1: Exactly the same story?
2: No, the details are different. But the main story is there. Jesus was baptized in the Jordan River by John.
1: Did John dip his hand into the water and dribble it on Jesus’ forehead? Did he pour the water from a jug? Did he dunk Jesus right under the water? Here in our church we ____________________.
2:In biblical times, there was only one kind of baptism and that was by full immersion.
1: So let’s read the story. It’s from the gospel of Luke, the third chapter.
2: Just a sec. We need a bit of context. Israel was not a free country. It was ruled by Rome through a puppet governor named Herod. And there was rumor going around the entire Jewish community – a rumor about a savior, a messiah – someone who would come and kick out the hated Romans and restore their freedom. Israel would again be ruled by a kind and loving king like King David. So when the prophet John began to preach and to baptize people, the rumor went around that maybe John was the Messiah they were hoping for.
1: OK, let’s try again. This is from the third chapter of Luke’s gospel.
SLIGHT PAUSE
2: The people were filled with expectation, and all were questioning in their hearts concerning John. Could he be the Messiah? Here’s what John said to them.
1:"I baptize you with water; but one who is more powerful than I am coming. I am not worthy to untie the thong of his sandals. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire.
His winnowing fork is in his hand, to clear his threshing floor and to gather the wheat into his granary; but the chaff he will burn with unquenchable fire."
2: Now when all the people were baptized, and when Jesus also had been baptized and was praying, the heaven was opened, and the Holy Spirit descended upon Jesus in bodily form like a dove. And a voice came from heaven.
1: "You are my Son, the Beloved. With you I am well pleased."
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2010-01-03
January 3, 2010
BAPTISMAL THEATRE
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Now’s the time to live up to that New Year’s resolution you should have made to put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.
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The Story – graduation day
Rumors – nativity controversy
Soft Edges – keep our ancestors alive
Bloopers – the joke is easy
We Get Letters – (see Rumors above)
Mirabile Dictu! – bladder urge
Bottom of the Barrel – the Goldberg brothers
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 3:15-17, 21-22
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – Grandma and grandpa were celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. The local reporter came and asked them all kinds of ridiculous questions, such as, “Do you participate in sports?”
“Nope!” said Grandma. “My parents won’t let me.”
“Your parents?”
“Yep. Mother Nature and Father Time.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, January 10th, which is “The Baptism of Our Lord Sunday,” and for which the suggested readings are:
* Isaiah 43:1-7
* Psalm 29
* Acts 8:14-17
* Luke 3:15-17, 21-22
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – is Luke 3:15-17, 21-22
Jim says –
The image that comes to mind, for me, is a university graduation. This particular reading from Luke could imply that Jesus alone went into the river with John. But the other gospels make clear that large numbers of people flocked to the Jordan – to see and hear John, to experience his immersion as a sign of repentance and new beginnings.
So I visualize lines of people inching forward. When they get to the podium – or the river – the presider says some mumbo-jumbo over them, perhaps places a hood on their shoulders or a mortarboard on their heads, hands them a rolled certificate... And the assembly line grinds on.
For Jesus, of course, there was no diploma or scarlet hood. Rather, God’s spirit settled upon him. He had graduated from his preparatory years. Now he could go out and practice the profession God had in mind for him.
Luke makes that connection with his next verse: “Jesus was about 30 years old when he began his work...”
But a graduation is also for friends and relatives. I would wonder who else observed Jesus graduation ceremony, there at the river. Were his parents there? His siblings? Every graduate is special, of course. But who else sat in the bleachers to cheer him on? Whose hearts swelled with pride as John dipped Jesus under the water? Who else sensed light shining on their special one, like a dove lighting on his shoulders?
The concept of a graduation ceremony gives me a different perspective from which to view this turning point in Jesus’ life.
Ralph says –
Although the details differ considerably, this story of Jesus’ baptism occurs in all four gospels, which means it must have been very important to the early Christian community. Baptism, as an act of entry into the Christian community, has been a central symbol of the Christian church ever since. And it still is, at least for all the major denominations.
“The church and the theatre are children of the same womb,” says Tom Driver. Baptism is a bit of theatre. God does not need water – sprinkled, poured or dipped in – to enter our hearts and become the creative force in our lives. God didn’t need it for Jesus and the early church. God doesn’t need it now. But we need it because there are some things words simply can’t do.
The act of baptism is a way of dramatizing a truth, a reality. The dramatization helps those involved and those who are watching, understand a deeper realty that is beyond the power of words. “A visible and outward sign of an inner spiritual realty,” is a way of saying this without using naughty words like “drama” and “theatre.”
But if we thought of this sacrament as theatre we would find many small and big ways of underlining its significance in the faith community. This is already happening in many places, including the congregation where I worship. There’s oil, there’s a candle, there’s a certificate.
Baptism may again have the power it had for the early Christian community.
Isaiah 43:1-7 – The prophet is using some broad metaphors here. Those who take the reading literally tend to wind up drowned or fried. What the reading underlines, for me at least, is the power of God that makes it possible to do things you never thought possible.
For me that includes gathering the 8,147 souls from the four corners of the globe (see vs. 5 & 6) to read this thing called Rumors. It’s both gratifying and frightening.
Psalm 29 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Celebrating Baptism
A river in flood is an awesome sight.
1 Don't try to cross the river alone, my child.
2 Let your father carry you.
3 The waves are higher than your head;
the torrent will sweep you away.
4,5 It rolls the rocks in their beds;
it bites earth from its banks;
even mighty trees topple and fall.
6 But you will be safe in your father's arms.
He will hold your head above water;
7 His feet will stand firm against the flood.
8 Trust him.
Wrap your arms around his neck, where he can murmur comfort in your ear.
9 Then you will know the torrent cannot touch you.
11 Your father is much stronger than you are.
Trust him to carry you to safety.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Acts 8:14-17 – This passage is a bit puzzling because most of us (I think) see baptism as a symbol of the entry of the Holy Spirit into our lives. Adult baptism at least.
But as I sit here thinking of this, I realize that many Christians would insist that a powerful experience, a moment of deep emotion, a “born again” experience, is the time when the Spirit genuinely enters our lives.
For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C,” page 40, for a story called “Throw Your Money in the River,” which expands the reading in Acts to tell the entire story. And on page 43 you’ll find a story based on the reading from Luke, and it’s called “Jesus is Baptized.”
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – This periodical is not a vehicle for theological or biblical discussion, but I think I need to respond to all the letters I’ve received about the Nativity story I ran in Rumors just before Christmas. The thing that generated all the letters was a story in which Mary was raped by a Roman soldier.
A few of the responses were wildly appreciative. A few others were angrily critical. Most were somewhere in-between and they were kind and thoughtful.
It doesn't concern me when people disagree with what I write in Rumors. If you agreed with everything I say, then I probably haven’t said very much.
I write my stories in the Jewish tradition of the Aggada, where, when you can't explain something, you tell a story. The story won't explain it either, but it will lead you to something more important. And that is a sense of God's presence in your unknowing. You will be refreshed by that mystery. Because a mystery is not a puzzle to be solved, but a well to which you can go over and over, to find refreshment.
Perhaps I should have explained that story ahead of time, but then that might have destroyed the story. Good stories can never be explained.
Maybe I should have said this. Such stories are never an attempt to re-write history. Or to deny scripture. They are an attempt to shine a light on the story from a different angle.
Among the mysteries where I have found refreshment over and over again is the mystery of God's continual choice of the lowest, the meanest, the most despised, the rejected, to live the truth. That happens over and over again in the Hebrew tradition, and Jesus continued that tradition in his choice of disciples. And I feel the tradition continues now, because how else can I explain my call as a Christian writer?
So to understand that mystery – that miracle – I had Mary in my story, raped by a Roman soldier. That would have put her below the bottom of the social ladder. I did that to underline that mystery – a God who continually goes to the most despised and rejected – to find the people who can – who will – respond to the call.
The story was not an attempt to re-write Luke's gospel though many understood it that way, which I regret. And it was certainly not an attempt to show that God could not – did not – work miracles.
I've received a lot of letters about that story – more than about anything else I've written recently. By far the greatest number have come from women (though a few men have said this too) who had been sexually abused in a number of ways. They were deeply grateful to read a story about someone who had been so violated – "soiled" was a word one woman used – that they might be chosen by God to birth a miracle. I don't think they were trying to re-write the story. They wanted to broaden it to include people like them.
That may not be an adequate response to all your concerns. It has certainly generated a lot of thought and generated a lot of feelings, all of which is good.
And deep thanks to all of you who have written. It has been for me a powerful and affirming experience.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Keeping Our Ancestors Alive
When my wife Joan was about four years old, her father made her a doll crib. She treasured it. When Joan grew up and left home, her parents gave the crib to a young niece. But she always knew the crib was Joan’s.
Last year that niece telephoned Joan. “I thought we had lost your old crib,” she said, “but I found it. Do you want it back?”
The old crib had been repainted, several times. Its joints were breaking apart. But it was still the beloved old crib.
Over the summer, Joan stripped many layers of paint. She sanded the bare wood smooth again. She repainted it its original white. She made a new mattress for it, sewed two new sheets and a pillow with lace trim, even stitched a tiny quilt.
We took the refurbished crib to Edmonton as a Christmas present for five-year-old Katherine.
“Your great-grandfather made this crib,” Joan explained.
Katherine was, I regret to say, unimpressed. Katherine preferred her kiddy rock-star guitar, or the Barbie-doll that sang a single mindless tune into a karaoke microphone.
After all, neither the crib nor the doll lying in it did anything. They didn’t make sounds, they didn’t dance, they didn’t offer interactive beeps – they just, well, lay there…
I admit that I was disappointed. Somehow, I expected Katherine to feel thrilled at receiving something that had already survived three generations.
But history, I realize, means little to a generation raised on instant everything.
And my generation has not succeeding in bringing the past alive, I regret.
We tend to think that we must teach the past as academic data and dates. Facts – the Taylors came from Scotland, the Andersons from Sweden, the Rentz family from Ohio, the Frackeltons from Northern Ireland…. Assorted dates – 1800, 1827, 1907, 1910, 1930….
But it’s stories that make the past come to life. Stories about the carpenter who had to make his own tools. The merchant who opened the bank’s very first account. The missionary who had given up hopes of getting married…
We need to tell these stories until they become so familiar they form a background to every daily activity, a running counterpoint to life’s familiar themes.
We might learn something from what we often consider more primitive societies. In a sense, they don’t just know about their ancestors – they are their ancestors. Biblical people, for example, didn’t just learn about Abraham and Jacob and Moses, about Sarah and Rachel and Esther. They made no distinction between themselves and their ancestors.
This integration of past and present is not always benign. Neighbours will get along without violence for generations – in Bosnia or Northern Ireland or Africa – until circumstances re-ignite their forebears’ feuds..
Because the feuds were kept alive by the stories they told.
That’s not good. But neither is it good to ignore our past, to live in a world that knows nothing but the present.
When we have no past, we cannot learn from it.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – from the file
* Child care provided with reservations.
* Mark your calendars not to attend the church retreat.
* My joke is easy and my burden is light.
And this one. It’s been here in Rumors before (well, so has a lot of other stuff) but it needs to be repeated in view of today’s scripture. It was the lector who said solemnly, “Today we will hear the story of how Jesus was baptized by Jordan in the John.”
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Wish I’d Said That! – Religion should arise from the experience of all things."
Albert Einstein via Stephani Keer
Take hope from the human heart and we become a beast of prey.
Marie Louise de la Ramce
Minds are like parachutes – not much good unless they are open.
source unknown via Evelyn McLachlan
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We Get Letters – see “Rumors” above for news about some particularly energetic feedback.
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “bladder urge!”) What with the New Year and a new decade, and my own celebration of three-quarters of a century, age is a bit on my mind. Those of you who have not yet reached this exalted status known as “old age” have this to look forward to.
* Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
* The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
* You feel like the morning after the night before, and you haven’t been anywhere.
* Your “little black book” contains only names ending in MD.
* You get winded playing cards.
* Your children begin to look middle-aged.
* You join a health club and don’t go.
* A dripping faucet causes an uncomfortable bladder urge.
* You know all the answers but nobody asks the questions.
* You look forward to a dull evening.
* You need your glasses to find your glasses.
* You turn out the lights for economic reasons.
* You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
* You knees buckle but your belt won’t.
* Your back goes out more than you do.
* You have too much room in your house and not enough in your medicine chest.
* You sink your teeth into a good steak and they stay there.
* You wonder why more people aren’t using big print.
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Bottom of the Barrel – This from Clayton McWhirter of Gibbons Alberta:
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 40C.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.
So, now you know...
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 3:15-17, 21-22
Reader 1: Today in our scripture we have the story of how Jesus was baptized.
Reader 2: Yes, and it must have been an important story for the early church because all four Gospels tell it.
1: Exactly the same story?
2: No, the details are different. But the main story is there. Jesus was baptized in the Jordan River by John.
1: Did John dip his hand into the water and dribble it on Jesus’ forehead? Did he pour the water from a jug? Did he dunk Jesus right under the water? Here in our church we ____________________.
2:In biblical times, there was only one kind of baptism and that was by full immersion.
1: So let’s read the story. It’s from the gospel of Luke, the third chapter.
2: Just a sec. We need a bit of context. Israel was not a free country. It was ruled by Rome through a puppet governor named Herod. And there was rumor going around the entire Jewish community – a rumor about a savior, a messiah – someone who would come and kick out the hated Romans and restore their freedom. Israel would again be ruled by a kind and loving king like King David. So when the prophet John began to preach and to baptize people, the rumor went around that maybe John was the Messiah they were hoping for.
1: OK, let’s try again. This is from the third chapter of Luke’s gospel.
SLIGHT PAUSE
2: The people were filled with expectation, and all were questioning in their hearts concerning John. Could he be the Messiah? Here’s what John said to them.
1:"I baptize you with water; but one who is more powerful than I am coming. I am not worthy to untie the thong of his sandals. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire.
His winnowing fork is in his hand, to clear his threshing floor and to gather the wheat into his granary; but the chaff he will burn with unquenchable fire."
2: Now when all the people were baptized, and when Jesus also had been baptized and was praying, the heaven was opened, and the Holy Spirit descended upon Jesus in bodily form like a dove. And a voice came from heaven.
1: "You are my Son, the Beloved. With you I am well pleased."
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Preaching Materials for January 3rd, 2010
R U M O R S # 582
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-12-27
December 27th, 2009
BEFORE THE BIG BANG
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Best wishes for a joyful, creative New Year, full of just the right balance of challenges and possibilities. Or at least a year with more smiles than frowns.
Blessings in 2010 from Jim and Ralph
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The Story – imagine nothing
Rumors – New Year’s resolutions
Soft Edges – unholy Christmas carols
Bloopers – holy weed
We Get Letters – crawl on your knees
Mirabile Dictu! – repentagon
Bottom of the Barrel – name the shepherds
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 1:(1-9), 10-18
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – This from Margaret Wood.
'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' At that moment a youngster in the front row asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, January 3rd, which is the Second Sunday after Christmas Day.
* Jeremiah 31:7-14 or Sirach 24:1-12
* Psalm 147:12-20 or Wisdom of Solomon 10:15-21
* Ephesians 1:3-14
* John 1:(1-9), 10-18
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – John 1:(1-9), 10-18
Jim is up to his eyebrows in grandchildren this Christmas season, so his normal blurb isn’t available.
Ralph says –
I’ve not wanted to be a scientist since Santa brought me a “Junior Scientist” kit when I was about 10. I managed to thoroughly stink up the house. The less than encouraging comments from my three older sisters convinced me that my career objectives should involve clean-up work in a fish cannery or the handling of stinky garbage. As it turned out, I didn’t manage those either.
But I do enjoy popular science. I watch “Nova” on PBS and I subscribe to “Discover” magazine. And every once in awhile, in a piece on quantum physics or relativity I hear them saying that in the undiscovered beyond there is a reality – something totally “other” that we don’t have the minds to conceive.
I remember some sage declaring that when the mathematicians and physicists have climbed the tallest scientific mountain – when they have reached the end of their discovering – they will find God. I also remember a conversation with Madeleine L’Engle who told me she found more good theology in quantum physics than in the seminaries.
In the “Lectionary Story Bible” version of this story (Year A, page 37) I ask the children to imagine there is nothing. “No stars. No animals. No people. No you. Just nothing.” Children can probably do that more easily than adults. But it would be fun to challenge adults to do just that, in order to get a sense of what John was talking about in verse one. John’s verse one statement, as far as I can figure, has not yet been challenged by science because science has not yet reached that “beginning.” Almost, but not yet.
And if they do, will any human be able to conceive, much less describe, what they find?
Psalm 147:12-20 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Ralph Milton and I discussed our images of God one day. We concluded that most of the time God feels more like a mother than a father.
12 Thank God that God does things differently.
13 By the wisdom of this world, an unborn child has no value.
It has no name; it is not yet a person.
Yet while it is still in the womb, it somersaults with joy.
14 Its mother's eyes shine with hope;
her breasts swell with the milk of life.
15 To the mother, the unborn child within matters more than any international agreement;
she wraps it in her own body.
16 God carries us in her womb.
With her own lifeblood, God feeds us.
Like mother preparing a nursery for her newborn,
God readies the earth to receive us.
17 Winter gives way to spring;
frozen hearts thaw;
tightly buttoned spirits burst into fragile new leaf.
18 That is God's way:
out of darkness comes light;
out of ice, water;
out of pain and struggle, new life.
19 That is how God gives birth.
20 Others may not recognize this mystery.
But to us God has revealed the miracle.
Our cry of weakness is a cry of triumph;
our thirst invites us to lie close to the heart of God and drink our fill.
God does things differently. Thank God.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Jeremiah 31:7-14 – I’ve been reading a fairly heavy tome titled “Christianity and Ethnicity in Canada.” In the course of their findings, the various authors tell us the mainline churches are sliding in numbers and they haven’t seen the bottom yet.
Increasingly, we are the faithful remnant Jeremiah is speaking to. We need to get used to that idea, and we need to grasp the hope that beyond our denominational deaths are the arms of a warm and kindly parent.
Ephesians 1:3-14 – there’s a lot of heavy theological language in this passage, but the underlying theme that comes through to me is of a God who cuts through everything else to offer us hope.
For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A,” page 37 for a children’s version of the John passage.
Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – Before I retired, I was on a zillion mailing lists. Many of those lists were aimed at “business people.”
I’d get a bundle of advertising every day, and almost always there was something promoting another seminar, or another computer program, or some new gimmick to help me plan my time effectively so that I could “maximize” my efficiency and churn out more and better work more effectively and more profitably.
On a few occasions, the ads pressed my guilt buttons enough to have me sign up. I made diligent notes and came home full of good intentions. But they never lasted. All I was left with was a sense of frustration and failure.
Every New Year I would clean up my office, organize my calendar, straighten out my files and make firm resolutions that I would be more responsive to the needs of others. Three days later, things would be as chaotic as ever, and I would feel guilty and frustrated.
I had no problem making good resolutions. I just couldn’t keep them.
I knew all the theories – all the rhetoric about self-discipline. I just didn’t have any. And if I tried harder to develop some, all I accomplished was an enhanced sense of guilt and failure.
The only reason my life had some semblance of sanity was because I had surrounded myself with good, kind, generous and organized people who helped me. I usually managed to get things out more or less on time because of the gentle nagging of kind souls at Wood Lake Productions. I couldn’t have done it by myself. It was an example of God’s grace coming to me through other people.
I got to the point where I decided to never make any New Year’s resolutions I knew I wouldn’t keep. So I made a resolution to be more conscious and grateful for the wonderful grace I received. I was as dysfunctional as ever about many aspects of my life and work, but I knew that God’s angels – angels with names like Bev and Cynthia and Lois and Bonnie – cared about me and would help me make something beautiful out of my madly chaotic life.
Now that I am retired, there is less chaos simply because I have fewer responsibilities. But I’ve managed ten years of Rumors without missing a single issue because of angels with names like Bev, Jim, Kari and others.
I’ll still put things away in a spot where I know I’ll be able to find them, and then spend hours looking for them. I file precious documents in the bowels of my computer or in my “filing system” (read “piling system) and never see them again.
I’ve undertaken to provide graphics for the projection of all the hymns and much of the liturgy in our church, but it’s Karen, our minister’s prompt e-mail with the order of service attached, that arrives at the beginning of every week and wakes me up and gets me working.
So as I said last week, life is good. Things are normal. My work habits are not as good as they should be but as good as they can be, and I am blessed by the care of angels around me who help me do what I am called to do.
That’s the sense of gratitude and blessing that I carry into this newborn year.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Unholy Christmas Carols
At our congregation, during the Sundays preceding Christmas, we usually take 15 minutes or so to sing Christmas carols before the more serious part of the service starts.
Last Sunday, the sing-along leader included “Jingle Bells.”
“Why not?” she explained to the choir. “Christmas is about joy. Why can’t we sing some traditional songs that give us joy, even if they don’t mention God or Jesus?”
Why not indeed?
Granted, a certain number of the secular Christmas songs focus on the commercial side of Christmas -- such as Eartha Kitt’s sultry “Santa Baby.”
But so did some historic songs. The “Twelve Days of Christmas” may have contained hidden religious symbolism, but it also celebrated a certain lust for luxuries far beyond the means of most singers.
Other secular songs deal mainly with the winter season. “Walkin’ in our Winter Wonderland” and “Let it Snow” have more to do with hormonal urges than with glad tidings of peace and goodwill.
And many of the Santa songs are simply morality messages set to music -- substituting a red-suited judge who keeps annotated lists for an almighty overseer who “knows if you’ve been bad or good, So be good for goodness sake...”
But “Silver Bells” is a beautiful melody that belongs in any Christmas sing-along. “Scarlet Ribbons,” popularized by Harry Belafonte so long ago, describes a father’s aching love for his daughter. “White Christmas” and “I’ll be Home for Christmas” speak of the yearning we all experience for friends and family.
Now, I happen to love the religious Christmas carols. I get joy from belting out “Adeste Fidelis” -- in Latin, of course -- or launching into four-part harmony on the chorus of “Angels We Have Heard on High”.
But “Joy to the World” doesn’t sound particularly joyful when sung half-heartedly by people afraid of opening their mouths.
Don’t people sing for fun anymore? I see people walking around with earphones plugged into their ears, playing canned music off an iPod or a Walkman. Sometimes they hum along tunelessly; more often, they let paid performers make music for them.
Singing has become a lost art.
No wonder people are afraid to open their mouths in church.
I’d much rather have people singing vigorously than restraining themselves because they fear sounding less than perfect.
Back when Sunday schools still had large enrolments, I recall trying to get 40 children to sing “Away in a Manger.” It sounded pathetic.
“Okay,” I asked, “what would you like to sing?”
“Rudolph!” someone called.
Without piano, without leadership, without books, they launched into “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” enthusiastically enough to rattle the windows.
I don’t consider that sacrilegious. I suspect that if Jesus himself were part of that children’s group, he’d rather sing “Rudolph” lustily than limp through “We Three Kings.”
We don’t offer praise by sounding dispirited and disheartened. If “Jingle Bells” moves us to sing whole-heartedly, and the “Huron Carol” or “Bleak Midwinter” do not, then by all means let’s include some secular carols in our sing-alongs.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Tobi White of Lincoln, Nebraska writes: “We often project the liturgy and hymn words on screens in our Sanctuary. It has somehow fallen to the pastors (myself, included) to put these powerpoint presentations together. And no matter how I try, I inevitably make some typo. I think it might become a game for the congregation to identify the 'mistakes of the week.'
“This Christmas Eve, as we were singing 'Silent Night,' with candles lit and the powerpoint guiding our words, we came upon the second verse: ‘Heav'nly hosts sign Alleluia!’"
Tobi, I have a friend who is pastor of a church for the deaf. He would tell you that this time you got it right.
from the file:
* Today's Sermon: “How Much Can a Man Drink?” With hymns from a full choir.
* Lent is the period when we prepare for Holy Weed and Easter.
* We pray that our people will jumble themselves.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
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Wish I’d Said That! – Mary wrapped the first Christmas present.
a sign on a church via Jeanne Moore of Clio, Michigan
I left a trail of footprints deep in the snow. I swore one day I would retrace them. But when I turned around, I found that the wind had erased them.
source unknown via Lettie Fisher
If you have come here to help me, then you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.
Lila Watson via Michelle Creedy
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We Get Letters – This is the season when we’re all singing Silent Night. Lettie Fisher in Oklahoma reminds us that that for the first verse to make sense, we should sing, “All is calm. All is bright round yon virgin.” “No pause or the taking of a breath between bright and 'round.”
David Winfield of Christchurch, New Zealand writes: The two opera singers were performing in a Christmas presentation and providing a duo for the very beautiful 'O Holy Night'. Unfortunately at one point when the soprano was singing the line "Fall on your knees ..." the tenor entered singing another verse that featured the words "Christ is the Lord ...". Realizing his mistake during the first word he corrected himself with the result that his lyric now became "Crawl on your knees ..."
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “repentagon!”) Some definitions that are absolutely essential to the health and well-being of lay and clergy and those in-between who are called “lagy” and pronounced “lay-zhee”.
* How do you get holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
* What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
* What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
* What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.
* What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
* Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They’re trying to get away from the noise.
* What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.
* What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.
* What do you call a five-sided church? A repentagon.
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Bottom of the Barrel – Evelyn McLachlan sends this holiday groaner.
Q: On Christmas night, how many angels appeared to the shepherds, and what were their names?
A: There were two angels, and their names were 'Lo' and 'Behold.' Doesn't the Bible say, "Lo and Behold, the angels, appeared to the shepherds"?
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 1:(1-9), 10-18
Reader 1: I have a friend who says she finds more good theology in quantum physics than she does in anything else.
Reader 2: She may be stretching things a little, but there is some quantum physics in the Bible.
1: Your kidding me. They didn’t do anything more than decent arithmetic in Bible days.
2: Now you’re stretching things a bit. There are many different kinds of things in the Bible. Some of it is sophisticated. Some of it is primitive. But today’s reading is from the Gospel of John, and the first part of it sounds like some pretty high-level science.
1: That needs a bit of explaining.
2: The folks doing high level physics and astronomy talk about the Big Bang, the moment of the unimaginably huge explosion that started the universe expanding, and eventually, billions and billions of years later, resulted in our world. Among many other things.
1: So where is that in the Bible?
2: It’s not in the Bible. But astronomers have no idea what was there before the big bang. What was it that exploded? Why was there something there instead of nothing? What caused that explosion? And why?
1: And the Bible answers those questions?
2: Well, it addresses those questions. Whether it really answers the questions if for God to decide.
1: So let’s read it.
2: Right. We are reading from the beginning of John’s Gospel and he uses some pretty complicated language. So I would urge everyone to read this passage about a dozen times at home to really get the gist of what he is saying. For this reading, we are using an adaptation of the Inclusive Bible.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
1: In the beginning was the Word, the Word was in God’s presence. And the Word was God.
2: The Word was present to God from the beginning.
1: Through the Word all things came into being, and apart from the Word nothing came into being that has come into being.
2: In the Word was life, and that light is our human light.
1: A light that shines in the darkness.
2: A light that the darkness has never overtaken.
1: Then came one named John, sent as an envoy from God, who came as a witness to testify about the Light, so that through his testimony everyone might believe. He himself was not the Light; he came only to testify about the Light – the true Light that illumines all humanity.
2: The Word was coming into the world –
1: The Word was in the world, and though the world was made through that Word, the world did not recognize it.
2: Though the Word came to its own realm, the Word’s own people did not accept it.
1: Yet any who did accept the Word, who believed in that Name, were empowered to become children of God.
2: These children were born, not of natural descent, nor the urge of the flesh, nor human will – these children were born of God.
1: And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us. We saw the glory. The favor and position a parent gives an only child – filled with grace and truth.
2: This is what John said.
1: This is the one I was talking about when I said, ‘The one who comes after me ranks ahead of me. For this One existed before I did.’
2: Of this One’s fullness we’ve all had a share. We’ve been given gift on top of gift.
1: You see, the law was given through Moses. But the Gift and the Truth came through Jesus Christ.
2: No one has ever seen God. But it was the only child – the child always at the parent’s side, who has revealed God to us.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-12-27
December 27th, 2009
BEFORE THE BIG BANG
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Best wishes for a joyful, creative New Year, full of just the right balance of challenges and possibilities. Or at least a year with more smiles than frowns.
Blessings in 2010 from Jim and Ralph
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The Story – imagine nothing
Rumors – New Year’s resolutions
Soft Edges – unholy Christmas carols
Bloopers – holy weed
We Get Letters – crawl on your knees
Mirabile Dictu! – repentagon
Bottom of the Barrel – name the shepherds
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 1:(1-9), 10-18
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – This from Margaret Wood.
'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' At that moment a youngster in the front row asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, January 3rd, which is the Second Sunday after Christmas Day.
* Jeremiah 31:7-14 or Sirach 24:1-12
* Psalm 147:12-20 or Wisdom of Solomon 10:15-21
* Ephesians 1:3-14
* John 1:(1-9), 10-18
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – John 1:(1-9), 10-18
Jim is up to his eyebrows in grandchildren this Christmas season, so his normal blurb isn’t available.
Ralph says –
I’ve not wanted to be a scientist since Santa brought me a “Junior Scientist” kit when I was about 10. I managed to thoroughly stink up the house. The less than encouraging comments from my three older sisters convinced me that my career objectives should involve clean-up work in a fish cannery or the handling of stinky garbage. As it turned out, I didn’t manage those either.
But I do enjoy popular science. I watch “Nova” on PBS and I subscribe to “Discover” magazine. And every once in awhile, in a piece on quantum physics or relativity I hear them saying that in the undiscovered beyond there is a reality – something totally “other” that we don’t have the minds to conceive.
I remember some sage declaring that when the mathematicians and physicists have climbed the tallest scientific mountain – when they have reached the end of their discovering – they will find God. I also remember a conversation with Madeleine L’Engle who told me she found more good theology in quantum physics than in the seminaries.
In the “Lectionary Story Bible” version of this story (Year A, page 37) I ask the children to imagine there is nothing. “No stars. No animals. No people. No you. Just nothing.” Children can probably do that more easily than adults. But it would be fun to challenge adults to do just that, in order to get a sense of what John was talking about in verse one. John’s verse one statement, as far as I can figure, has not yet been challenged by science because science has not yet reached that “beginning.” Almost, but not yet.
And if they do, will any human be able to conceive, much less describe, what they find?
Psalm 147:12-20 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Ralph Milton and I discussed our images of God one day. We concluded that most of the time God feels more like a mother than a father.
12 Thank God that God does things differently.
13 By the wisdom of this world, an unborn child has no value.
It has no name; it is not yet a person.
Yet while it is still in the womb, it somersaults with joy.
14 Its mother's eyes shine with hope;
her breasts swell with the milk of life.
15 To the mother, the unborn child within matters more than any international agreement;
she wraps it in her own body.
16 God carries us in her womb.
With her own lifeblood, God feeds us.
Like mother preparing a nursery for her newborn,
God readies the earth to receive us.
17 Winter gives way to spring;
frozen hearts thaw;
tightly buttoned spirits burst into fragile new leaf.
18 That is God's way:
out of darkness comes light;
out of ice, water;
out of pain and struggle, new life.
19 That is how God gives birth.
20 Others may not recognize this mystery.
But to us God has revealed the miracle.
Our cry of weakness is a cry of triumph;
our thirst invites us to lie close to the heart of God and drink our fill.
God does things differently. Thank God.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Jeremiah 31:7-14 – I’ve been reading a fairly heavy tome titled “Christianity and Ethnicity in Canada.” In the course of their findings, the various authors tell us the mainline churches are sliding in numbers and they haven’t seen the bottom yet.
Increasingly, we are the faithful remnant Jeremiah is speaking to. We need to get used to that idea, and we need to grasp the hope that beyond our denominational deaths are the arms of a warm and kindly parent.
Ephesians 1:3-14 – there’s a lot of heavy theological language in this passage, but the underlying theme that comes through to me is of a God who cuts through everything else to offer us hope.
For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A,” page 37 for a children’s version of the John passage.
Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – Before I retired, I was on a zillion mailing lists. Many of those lists were aimed at “business people.”
I’d get a bundle of advertising every day, and almost always there was something promoting another seminar, or another computer program, or some new gimmick to help me plan my time effectively so that I could “maximize” my efficiency and churn out more and better work more effectively and more profitably.
On a few occasions, the ads pressed my guilt buttons enough to have me sign up. I made diligent notes and came home full of good intentions. But they never lasted. All I was left with was a sense of frustration and failure.
Every New Year I would clean up my office, organize my calendar, straighten out my files and make firm resolutions that I would be more responsive to the needs of others. Three days later, things would be as chaotic as ever, and I would feel guilty and frustrated.
I had no problem making good resolutions. I just couldn’t keep them.
I knew all the theories – all the rhetoric about self-discipline. I just didn’t have any. And if I tried harder to develop some, all I accomplished was an enhanced sense of guilt and failure.
The only reason my life had some semblance of sanity was because I had surrounded myself with good, kind, generous and organized people who helped me. I usually managed to get things out more or less on time because of the gentle nagging of kind souls at Wood Lake Productions. I couldn’t have done it by myself. It was an example of God’s grace coming to me through other people.
I got to the point where I decided to never make any New Year’s resolutions I knew I wouldn’t keep. So I made a resolution to be more conscious and grateful for the wonderful grace I received. I was as dysfunctional as ever about many aspects of my life and work, but I knew that God’s angels – angels with names like Bev and Cynthia and Lois and Bonnie – cared about me and would help me make something beautiful out of my madly chaotic life.
Now that I am retired, there is less chaos simply because I have fewer responsibilities. But I’ve managed ten years of Rumors without missing a single issue because of angels with names like Bev, Jim, Kari and others.
I’ll still put things away in a spot where I know I’ll be able to find them, and then spend hours looking for them. I file precious documents in the bowels of my computer or in my “filing system” (read “piling system) and never see them again.
I’ve undertaken to provide graphics for the projection of all the hymns and much of the liturgy in our church, but it’s Karen, our minister’s prompt e-mail with the order of service attached, that arrives at the beginning of every week and wakes me up and gets me working.
So as I said last week, life is good. Things are normal. My work habits are not as good as they should be but as good as they can be, and I am blessed by the care of angels around me who help me do what I am called to do.
That’s the sense of gratitude and blessing that I carry into this newborn year.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Unholy Christmas Carols
At our congregation, during the Sundays preceding Christmas, we usually take 15 minutes or so to sing Christmas carols before the more serious part of the service starts.
Last Sunday, the sing-along leader included “Jingle Bells.”
“Why not?” she explained to the choir. “Christmas is about joy. Why can’t we sing some traditional songs that give us joy, even if they don’t mention God or Jesus?”
Why not indeed?
Granted, a certain number of the secular Christmas songs focus on the commercial side of Christmas -- such as Eartha Kitt’s sultry “Santa Baby.”
But so did some historic songs. The “Twelve Days of Christmas” may have contained hidden religious symbolism, but it also celebrated a certain lust for luxuries far beyond the means of most singers.
Other secular songs deal mainly with the winter season. “Walkin’ in our Winter Wonderland” and “Let it Snow” have more to do with hormonal urges than with glad tidings of peace and goodwill.
And many of the Santa songs are simply morality messages set to music -- substituting a red-suited judge who keeps annotated lists for an almighty overseer who “knows if you’ve been bad or good, So be good for goodness sake...”
But “Silver Bells” is a beautiful melody that belongs in any Christmas sing-along. “Scarlet Ribbons,” popularized by Harry Belafonte so long ago, describes a father’s aching love for his daughter. “White Christmas” and “I’ll be Home for Christmas” speak of the yearning we all experience for friends and family.
Now, I happen to love the religious Christmas carols. I get joy from belting out “Adeste Fidelis” -- in Latin, of course -- or launching into four-part harmony on the chorus of “Angels We Have Heard on High”.
But “Joy to the World” doesn’t sound particularly joyful when sung half-heartedly by people afraid of opening their mouths.
Don’t people sing for fun anymore? I see people walking around with earphones plugged into their ears, playing canned music off an iPod or a Walkman. Sometimes they hum along tunelessly; more often, they let paid performers make music for them.
Singing has become a lost art.
No wonder people are afraid to open their mouths in church.
I’d much rather have people singing vigorously than restraining themselves because they fear sounding less than perfect.
Back when Sunday schools still had large enrolments, I recall trying to get 40 children to sing “Away in a Manger.” It sounded pathetic.
“Okay,” I asked, “what would you like to sing?”
“Rudolph!” someone called.
Without piano, without leadership, without books, they launched into “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” enthusiastically enough to rattle the windows.
I don’t consider that sacrilegious. I suspect that if Jesus himself were part of that children’s group, he’d rather sing “Rudolph” lustily than limp through “We Three Kings.”
We don’t offer praise by sounding dispirited and disheartened. If “Jingle Bells” moves us to sing whole-heartedly, and the “Huron Carol” or “Bleak Midwinter” do not, then by all means let’s include some secular carols in our sing-alongs.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Tobi White of Lincoln, Nebraska writes: “We often project the liturgy and hymn words on screens in our Sanctuary. It has somehow fallen to the pastors (myself, included) to put these powerpoint presentations together. And no matter how I try, I inevitably make some typo. I think it might become a game for the congregation to identify the 'mistakes of the week.'
“This Christmas Eve, as we were singing 'Silent Night,' with candles lit and the powerpoint guiding our words, we came upon the second verse: ‘Heav'nly hosts sign Alleluia!’"
Tobi, I have a friend who is pastor of a church for the deaf. He would tell you that this time you got it right.
from the file:
* Today's Sermon: “How Much Can a Man Drink?” With hymns from a full choir.
* Lent is the period when we prepare for Holy Weed and Easter.
* We pray that our people will jumble themselves.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
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Wish I’d Said That! – Mary wrapped the first Christmas present.
a sign on a church via Jeanne Moore of Clio, Michigan
I left a trail of footprints deep in the snow. I swore one day I would retrace them. But when I turned around, I found that the wind had erased them.
source unknown via Lettie Fisher
If you have come here to help me, then you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.
Lila Watson via Michelle Creedy
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We Get Letters – This is the season when we’re all singing Silent Night. Lettie Fisher in Oklahoma reminds us that that for the first verse to make sense, we should sing, “All is calm. All is bright round yon virgin.” “No pause or the taking of a breath between bright and 'round.”
David Winfield of Christchurch, New Zealand writes: The two opera singers were performing in a Christmas presentation and providing a duo for the very beautiful 'O Holy Night'. Unfortunately at one point when the soprano was singing the line "Fall on your knees ..." the tenor entered singing another verse that featured the words "Christ is the Lord ...". Realizing his mistake during the first word he corrected himself with the result that his lyric now became "Crawl on your knees ..."
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “repentagon!”) Some definitions that are absolutely essential to the health and well-being of lay and clergy and those in-between who are called “lagy” and pronounced “lay-zhee”.
* How do you get holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
* What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
* What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
* What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.
* What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
* Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They’re trying to get away from the noise.
* What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.
* What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.
* What do you call a five-sided church? A repentagon.
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Bottom of the Barrel – Evelyn McLachlan sends this holiday groaner.
Q: On Christmas night, how many angels appeared to the shepherds, and what were their names?
A: There were two angels, and their names were 'Lo' and 'Behold.' Doesn't the Bible say, "Lo and Behold, the angels, appeared to the shepherds"?
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 1:(1-9), 10-18
Reader 1: I have a friend who says she finds more good theology in quantum physics than she does in anything else.
Reader 2: She may be stretching things a little, but there is some quantum physics in the Bible.
1: Your kidding me. They didn’t do anything more than decent arithmetic in Bible days.
2: Now you’re stretching things a bit. There are many different kinds of things in the Bible. Some of it is sophisticated. Some of it is primitive. But today’s reading is from the Gospel of John, and the first part of it sounds like some pretty high-level science.
1: That needs a bit of explaining.
2: The folks doing high level physics and astronomy talk about the Big Bang, the moment of the unimaginably huge explosion that started the universe expanding, and eventually, billions and billions of years later, resulted in our world. Among many other things.
1: So where is that in the Bible?
2: It’s not in the Bible. But astronomers have no idea what was there before the big bang. What was it that exploded? Why was there something there instead of nothing? What caused that explosion? And why?
1: And the Bible answers those questions?
2: Well, it addresses those questions. Whether it really answers the questions if for God to decide.
1: So let’s read it.
2: Right. We are reading from the beginning of John’s Gospel and he uses some pretty complicated language. So I would urge everyone to read this passage about a dozen times at home to really get the gist of what he is saying. For this reading, we are using an adaptation of the Inclusive Bible.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
1: In the beginning was the Word, the Word was in God’s presence. And the Word was God.
2: The Word was present to God from the beginning.
1: Through the Word all things came into being, and apart from the Word nothing came into being that has come into being.
2: In the Word was life, and that light is our human light.
1: A light that shines in the darkness.
2: A light that the darkness has never overtaken.
1: Then came one named John, sent as an envoy from God, who came as a witness to testify about the Light, so that through his testimony everyone might believe. He himself was not the Light; he came only to testify about the Light – the true Light that illumines all humanity.
2: The Word was coming into the world –
1: The Word was in the world, and though the world was made through that Word, the world did not recognize it.
2: Though the Word came to its own realm, the Word’s own people did not accept it.
1: Yet any who did accept the Word, who believed in that Name, were empowered to become children of God.
2: These children were born, not of natural descent, nor the urge of the flesh, nor human will – these children were born of God.
1: And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us. We saw the glory. The favor and position a parent gives an only child – filled with grace and truth.
2: This is what John said.
1: This is the one I was talking about when I said, ‘The one who comes after me ranks ahead of me. For this One existed before I did.’
2: Of this One’s fullness we’ve all had a share. We’ve been given gift on top of gift.
1: You see, the law was given through Moses. But the Gift and the Truth came through Jesus Christ.
2: No one has ever seen God. But it was the only child – the child always at the parent’s side, who has revealed God to us.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Preaching Materials for December 27th, 2009
R U M O R S # 581
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-12-20
December 20th, 2009
SHEER AND UTTER PANIC
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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The two of us (Jim & Ralph) wish all of you the deep joy of Christmas, as we experience again the birth of the living Christ within us.
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The Story – amazing twelve-year-olds
Rumors – nothing to report
Soft Edges – acting like raccoons
Bloopers – curing the darkness
We Get Letters – all is clam
Mirabile Dictu! – ten Lords a leaping
Bottom of the Barrel – four to go
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 2:41-52
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – The couple was teaching their three-year-old the Ten Commandments. All went well until they came to the 6th. The three-year-old version was: “Thou shalt not admit adultery.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, the first Sunday after Christmas Day.
*1 Samuel 2:18-20, 26
* Psalm 148
* Colossians 3:12-17
* Luke 2:41-52
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Luke 2:41-52 (Yes, we are being good little boys and sticking with the Lectionary again.)
Ralph says–
The story is obviously the Luke passage. If Jesus had living grandparents, this is the kind of story they would have told. And if they were like grandparents through the ages, the story would have grown just a little with each telling. Especially in the company of other grandparents who play a little game called “my-grandchild-is-more-wonderful-than-your-grandchild.” Bev and I never, ever do that, of course, but we’ve certainly heard it from other grandparents.
Twelve-year-olds can have an amazing capacity to absorb information if they are encouraged and given the resources. If there was a synagogue school in Nazareth and if it had even a small collection of books, it’s not impossible that Jesus would have virtually memorized them. And his ability to quote verbatim from those books would have genuinely amazed the scholars in the temple. Their wisdom was broad and deep, while Jesus’ learning was new and focused.
And for Jesus it was exciting. It is very easy for older people, who have read widely and lived deeply, to become somewhat jaded. Intellectually tired, perhaps.
I’d put myself in that category. From time to time I’ve encountered young people who are full ideas and information that is new and fresh to them. The life they’ve encountered in their few years becomes clear – focused through their new perspective on life.
My temptation is to brush them off. “Yeah! Yeah! Been there. Done that. Come and talk to me in ten years when you realize how complex life really is.”
Evidently, the priests and scribes in the Temple didn’t do that to Jesus, for which we can all be profoundly, deeply grateful.
Jim says –
The King James Version had a nice ring to it: “And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.” Depending on the version you prefer, you’ll find the message repeated, more or less word for word, in 1 Samuel.
I’d want to get that linkage of Jesus and Samuel out of the way early. To modern worshippers, Samuel is a meaningless figure. The parallel may have lent some authority to Jesus, for people who lived by the Hebrew scriptures; it doesn’t today.
To illustrate that growth in stature, I might use a measuring stick, like the wall or door jamb on which families mark the increasing heights of their children. But how do we mark increasing wisdom?
The memorable story here, I think, is not about Jesus, but about his parents. Every parent can identify with the desperation, the panic, that a missing child creates.
Whenever a child disappears, the news media fan fears the child may have been abducted, kidnapped, sexually abused, even murdered... Tragically, those fears are sometimes justified.
Fortunately, in most cases the child is found. He or she simply wandered off. The relief is as overwhelming as the panic had been.
We lost our son once, when he was about three. One moment he was with us in a department store; the next, he wasn’t. We – and several clerks – commenced a frantic search. We found him when we noticed the lights going out on various displays. We traced the power cords, and found him happily pulling plugs out of the wall!
If the parents in your congregation can live into that terrible paralyzing fear that Mary and Joseph must have felt, this Bible story will become real for them
Psalm 148: 1-14 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 Jubilation, exaltation, celebration, one and all!
2 Within the womb of the heavens, the orb of earth leaps to praise its Creator.
3, 4 As the pearl necklace of the planets swings around the sun,
as the shining oceans embrace the continents,
so do all living things praise the giver of life.
5 For God expressed a thought, and the thought took life.
6 God wanted to speak, and the Word became flesh and lived among us.
7 In that Word was holiness,
the spirit that makes every life more than the sum of its chemicals.
From the tiniest plankton in the sea to the great whales,
from the ants that burrow in the dust to the eagle that soars in the heavens –
all owe their existence to God.
8 Fire and hail, snow and frost, sun and drought, wind and rain –
in God, all things work together for good.
9 The mighty mountains compost into rich soil;
fruit trees and cedars aerate the atmosphere.
10 The dung beetle depends on the wastes of cattle;
birds and currents carry seeds to new orchards.
11 No one is cut off from the energy of God,
neither presidents throned in offices nor derelicts huddled under bridges.
12 For in God there is neither male nor female, old nor young, black nor white.
13 All have been equally created by God;
their lives all witness to God's grace.
14 With profligate generosity, God scatters new life among weeds and thistles.
And all of creation responds with rejoicing.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Samuel 2:18-20, 26 – This is a story that tugs at my emotions. I wonder how deeply painful it must have been for Hannah to make that little robe for her child and take it to him when she would see him just once each year. And I wonder what it was like for that little prophet-in-training to grow up without a mother to hold him and rock him through the long, dark nights.
The story of Jesus in Luke’s gospel is clearly told as a parallel to this one, as are many other gospel accounts, to show that Jesus was a prophet in the tradition of the ancient ones. I wonder if that means much to us, nowadays.
Colossians 3:12-17 – This passage is a powerful little sermon all on its own. Unlike so many lectionary passages, it can be read on its own without commentary. But it probably would be good to read it twice – maybe even more times – so that all those powerful admonishments would sink in .
A story called “Jesus Goes to the Temple” is found in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C,” page 34. It uses parts of Psalm 148 and references to 1 Samuel 2:18-20, 26.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – This is the time of year when friends all over the world send Christmas letters telling us a bit about their life over the past year.
Because our family has lived in three countries and six cities – and because many of our friends have not been the kind who hunkered down and stayed put – those letters come from many different places. And they tell many and varied stories.
There are a few, very short notes from surviving children saying that mom or dad passed on during the year. Almost all the letters tell stories of struggle and hope. Most of them try, but not all succeed, in avoiding the “organ recital,” the litany of pains and pills that come with aging. Old age is not for sissies.
Bev and I have never quite managed to get all our ducks in a row in time to send out a Christmas letter, so we’ve made a virtue out of necessity (or reality) and we do an Epiphany letter each year.
Our greatest joy will be to tell people that nothing is happening. No, we’re not cured of all the maladies that afflict us. We both take half a bushel of pills every day, but those pills are doing their job. We’ve managed a kind of homeostasis – a normalcy where the things that are, simply are, and therefore not worth commentary. And what a gift that is. To feel normal.
Not miserable and not euphoric. Simply normal. The big news is that nothing much is happening, at least not to Bev and me. We’re part of an extended family where there’s all kinds of stuff going on but not for us.
I have no illusions that someday a certain pill will give me the body of the fabled 20-year-old Swede. I never had such a body. I wouldn’t know what to do with it if I had one now.
Nor do I have illusions that this blessed state of normalcy will continue forever. Something else will go wonky and we’ll have to deal with whatever it is.
But for the moment, I am delighted to report that there is nothing to report.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Acting Like Raccoons
According to legend, exactly at midnight on Christmas Eve, barn animals bow in homage to the infant born in their midst.
“Ox and ass before him bow,” we sing in one familiar carol. In his poem “The Oxen,” Thomas Hardy imagined the beasts dropping to their knees in the straw.
I’m guessing that they didn’t have raccoons back then. Somehow, I cannot imagine raccoons kneeling in homage to anybody. Not even Jesus.
As a young man, I heard the local raccoon gang invading our garbage cans. I went out with a flashlight, expecting to shoo them away. They didn’t budge. And when they started baring canine teeth, guess which of us backed off?
An acquaintance had a similar experience when she tried to scare a squad of raccoons destroying her third backyard inflatable pool. “Their reaction to me running out into the yard waving a broom, yelling at the top of my lungs,” she wrote, “was an unconcerned glance in my direction, and back to shredding the pool.”
Her sister had to have rabies shots after a raccoon ripped through the screen on her bedroom window. Neither two dogs barking, nor the sister trying to whack the intruder with a 2x4 -- “Doesn't everyone keep one of those handy?” my informant asked -- deterred the unwelcome visitor.
Finally, one of the dogs tackled the raccoon. Sister intervened, and got a full set of raccoon teeth embedded in her hand.
The dog, fortunately, had had rabies shots. The sister hadn’t – yet.
This was, fortunately, a lone intruder. Raccoons are generally social creatures, who work together to create havoc.
Our next door neighbours were having a barbecue one evening. Guests gathered to watch Mama Raccoon parade her brood across the end of the yard. Meanwhile, Papa filched a steak right off the barbecue.
With their little masked bandit faces, raccoons are as cute as buttons. They’re intelligent. Their fingers uncannily resemble ours.
Perhaps that’s why we feel a kind of kinship with them. We share a lot of traits.
Which is why I suspect that if there had been raccoons in that stable, on that first Christmas, they’d have been more likely to steal any scraps of food Mary and Joseph had than to kneel in awe beside the manger.
Instead of gazing benignly upon an idealized mom-and-child scene, Joseph would have been chasing a bunch of irreverent bandits around the stable.
The nativity story, handed down through some 80 generations, tells us that the only humans who knelt beside the manger were total strangers, shepherds awed by some near-hallucinogenic visions in the fields.
The rest of Bethlehem, it would seem, acted more like raccoons. They carried on with their usual business of surviving in a country occupied by a foreign army and ruled by a corrupt king.
For some, no doubt, their “usual business” included a certain amount of theft, larceny, and under-the-counter dealing.
Just like today.
It makes me wonder just how far we have really progressed in 20 centuries.
I wonder, in fact, how many of us humans today still carry on with our usual business, without much thought for the miracles that take place in our midst.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Paul Hartman discovered this interesting and possibly profound typo in a list of things that “Hope” does.
“Hope lights a candle instead of curing the darkness.”
Perhaps Paul, that means we tend to address the symptoms rather than the underlying problem.
John Ellis of Paris, Maine writes: “A recent choral concert ended with a sing-along. The song sheet instructed the audience to sing ‘Silent night, holy night, all is clam, all is bright’."
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
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Wish I’d Said That! – There are victories of the soul and spirit. Sometimes, even if you lose, you win.
Elie Wiesel via Jim Taylor
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Will Rogers via Evelyn McLachlan
Christmas comes but once a year. Which is just as well.
source unknown
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We Get Letters – Kelly Taylor-Schaus saw this on a church bulletin board.
“Beat the Christmas rush. Go to church THIS week.
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Ten Lords a Leaping!”) Traditionally, the 12 days of Christmas begin on December 25th. That funny old carol, “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” which we like to bellow each year, is a good one to sing during that time.
It’s more legend than fact, but the story goes that during the era when Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly, this song was written as a secret catechism for their children.
The symbols are as follows: * My True Love is God.
* Partridge in a Pear Tree is a reference to Jesus Christ (perhaps from Matthew 23:37 and Luke 13:34).
* Two Turtle Doves are the Old and New Testament.
* Three French Hens refer to faith, hope and love (1 Corinthians 13).
* Four Calling Birds are four gospels.
* Five Golden Rings are the Torah, the first five books of Hebrew Scripture.
* Six Geese a-Laying are the six days of Creation.
* Seven Swans a-Swimming are the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit.
* Eight Maids a-Milking refer to the eight beatitudes from Matthew 5.
* Nine Ladies Dancing are the fruits of the Spirit listed in Galatians 5.
* Ten Lords a-Leaping refer to the Ten Commandments.
* Eleven Pipers Piping are the eleven faithful disciples.
* Twelve Drummers Drumming are the twelve points of belief in the Apostle’s Creed.
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Bottom of the Barrel – This classic from Evelyn McLachlan.
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 2:41-52
(NOTE: IT WOULD BE GOOD IF READER 2 COULD BE FEMALE.)
Reader 1: It was strange, y’know. I read the passage from 1 Samuel, and then I read this story in the gospel of Luke. It’s almost as if the Luke story was patterned on the older story.
Reader 2: It probably was. The gospel writers made a conscious attempt to make Jesus look like the ancients – like Samuel the prophet, like Moses, like Isaiah. It was really important to them that Jesus was connected to those old Hebrew stories.
1: (SPEAKING TO READER 2) Does that matter to you? (SPEAKING TO CONGREGATION) Does it matter to you?
2: No. At least it doesn’t matter nearly as much. People want the Bible to make sense to them in the here and now. In terms of today’s reality.
1: Okay, then this story will make sense to anyone who’s had a child go missing, even for a few minutes. The sense of sheer panic was overwhelming.
2: It’ll also make sense to anyone who has experienced an exceptionally bright child. I know one twelve-year-old who was reading adult books and remembering everything in them. Sometimes it seemed there was an adult brain in a 12-year-old body. Then the next minute he seemed like a kid again. That’s what Jesus sounds like in this story.
1: Well, let’s read it. It’s from Luke’s gospel.
SLIGHT PAUSE
2: Now every year Jesus’ parents went to Jerusalem for the festival of the Passover. And when he was twelve years old, they went up as usual for the festival.
1: When the festival was ended and they started to return, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but his parents did not know it. Assuming that Jesus was in the group of travelers, they went a day's journey. Then they started to look for him among their relatives and friends.
2: When they did not find him, they returned to Jerusalem to search for him. After three days they found Jesus in the temple, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions.
1: And all who heard him were amazed at his understanding and his answers. When his parents saw him they were astonished; and his mother spoke sharply to him.
2: Child, why have you treated us like this? Look, your father and I have been searching for you in great anxiety."
1: "Why were you searching for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?"
2: But they did not understand what he said to them. Then Jesus went down with his parents and came to Nazareth, and was obedient to them. His mother treasured all these things in her heart.
1: And Jesus increased in wisdom and in years, and in divine and human favor.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-12-20
December 20th, 2009
SHEER AND UTTER PANIC
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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The two of us (Jim & Ralph) wish all of you the deep joy of Christmas, as we experience again the birth of the living Christ within us.
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The Story – amazing twelve-year-olds
Rumors – nothing to report
Soft Edges – acting like raccoons
Bloopers – curing the darkness
We Get Letters – all is clam
Mirabile Dictu! – ten Lords a leaping
Bottom of the Barrel – four to go
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 2:41-52
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – The couple was teaching their three-year-old the Ten Commandments. All went well until they came to the 6th. The three-year-old version was: “Thou shalt not admit adultery.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, the first Sunday after Christmas Day.
*1 Samuel 2:18-20, 26
* Psalm 148
* Colossians 3:12-17
* Luke 2:41-52
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Luke 2:41-52 (Yes, we are being good little boys and sticking with the Lectionary again.)
Ralph says–
The story is obviously the Luke passage. If Jesus had living grandparents, this is the kind of story they would have told. And if they were like grandparents through the ages, the story would have grown just a little with each telling. Especially in the company of other grandparents who play a little game called “my-grandchild-is-more-wonderful-than-your-grandchild.” Bev and I never, ever do that, of course, but we’ve certainly heard it from other grandparents.
Twelve-year-olds can have an amazing capacity to absorb information if they are encouraged and given the resources. If there was a synagogue school in Nazareth and if it had even a small collection of books, it’s not impossible that Jesus would have virtually memorized them. And his ability to quote verbatim from those books would have genuinely amazed the scholars in the temple. Their wisdom was broad and deep, while Jesus’ learning was new and focused.
And for Jesus it was exciting. It is very easy for older people, who have read widely and lived deeply, to become somewhat jaded. Intellectually tired, perhaps.
I’d put myself in that category. From time to time I’ve encountered young people who are full ideas and information that is new and fresh to them. The life they’ve encountered in their few years becomes clear – focused through their new perspective on life.
My temptation is to brush them off. “Yeah! Yeah! Been there. Done that. Come and talk to me in ten years when you realize how complex life really is.”
Evidently, the priests and scribes in the Temple didn’t do that to Jesus, for which we can all be profoundly, deeply grateful.
Jim says –
The King James Version had a nice ring to it: “And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.” Depending on the version you prefer, you’ll find the message repeated, more or less word for word, in 1 Samuel.
I’d want to get that linkage of Jesus and Samuel out of the way early. To modern worshippers, Samuel is a meaningless figure. The parallel may have lent some authority to Jesus, for people who lived by the Hebrew scriptures; it doesn’t today.
To illustrate that growth in stature, I might use a measuring stick, like the wall or door jamb on which families mark the increasing heights of their children. But how do we mark increasing wisdom?
The memorable story here, I think, is not about Jesus, but about his parents. Every parent can identify with the desperation, the panic, that a missing child creates.
Whenever a child disappears, the news media fan fears the child may have been abducted, kidnapped, sexually abused, even murdered... Tragically, those fears are sometimes justified.
Fortunately, in most cases the child is found. He or she simply wandered off. The relief is as overwhelming as the panic had been.
We lost our son once, when he was about three. One moment he was with us in a department store; the next, he wasn’t. We – and several clerks – commenced a frantic search. We found him when we noticed the lights going out on various displays. We traced the power cords, and found him happily pulling plugs out of the wall!
If the parents in your congregation can live into that terrible paralyzing fear that Mary and Joseph must have felt, this Bible story will become real for them
Psalm 148: 1-14 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 Jubilation, exaltation, celebration, one and all!
2 Within the womb of the heavens, the orb of earth leaps to praise its Creator.
3, 4 As the pearl necklace of the planets swings around the sun,
as the shining oceans embrace the continents,
so do all living things praise the giver of life.
5 For God expressed a thought, and the thought took life.
6 God wanted to speak, and the Word became flesh and lived among us.
7 In that Word was holiness,
the spirit that makes every life more than the sum of its chemicals.
From the tiniest plankton in the sea to the great whales,
from the ants that burrow in the dust to the eagle that soars in the heavens –
all owe their existence to God.
8 Fire and hail, snow and frost, sun and drought, wind and rain –
in God, all things work together for good.
9 The mighty mountains compost into rich soil;
fruit trees and cedars aerate the atmosphere.
10 The dung beetle depends on the wastes of cattle;
birds and currents carry seeds to new orchards.
11 No one is cut off from the energy of God,
neither presidents throned in offices nor derelicts huddled under bridges.
12 For in God there is neither male nor female, old nor young, black nor white.
13 All have been equally created by God;
their lives all witness to God's grace.
14 With profligate generosity, God scatters new life among weeds and thistles.
And all of creation responds with rejoicing.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Samuel 2:18-20, 26 – This is a story that tugs at my emotions. I wonder how deeply painful it must have been for Hannah to make that little robe for her child and take it to him when she would see him just once each year. And I wonder what it was like for that little prophet-in-training to grow up without a mother to hold him and rock him through the long, dark nights.
The story of Jesus in Luke’s gospel is clearly told as a parallel to this one, as are many other gospel accounts, to show that Jesus was a prophet in the tradition of the ancient ones. I wonder if that means much to us, nowadays.
Colossians 3:12-17 – This passage is a powerful little sermon all on its own. Unlike so many lectionary passages, it can be read on its own without commentary. But it probably would be good to read it twice – maybe even more times – so that all those powerful admonishments would sink in .
A story called “Jesus Goes to the Temple” is found in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C,” page 34. It uses parts of Psalm 148 and references to 1 Samuel 2:18-20, 26.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – This is the time of year when friends all over the world send Christmas letters telling us a bit about their life over the past year.
Because our family has lived in three countries and six cities – and because many of our friends have not been the kind who hunkered down and stayed put – those letters come from many different places. And they tell many and varied stories.
There are a few, very short notes from surviving children saying that mom or dad passed on during the year. Almost all the letters tell stories of struggle and hope. Most of them try, but not all succeed, in avoiding the “organ recital,” the litany of pains and pills that come with aging. Old age is not for sissies.
Bev and I have never quite managed to get all our ducks in a row in time to send out a Christmas letter, so we’ve made a virtue out of necessity (or reality) and we do an Epiphany letter each year.
Our greatest joy will be to tell people that nothing is happening. No, we’re not cured of all the maladies that afflict us. We both take half a bushel of pills every day, but those pills are doing their job. We’ve managed a kind of homeostasis – a normalcy where the things that are, simply are, and therefore not worth commentary. And what a gift that is. To feel normal.
Not miserable and not euphoric. Simply normal. The big news is that nothing much is happening, at least not to Bev and me. We’re part of an extended family where there’s all kinds of stuff going on but not for us.
I have no illusions that someday a certain pill will give me the body of the fabled 20-year-old Swede. I never had such a body. I wouldn’t know what to do with it if I had one now.
Nor do I have illusions that this blessed state of normalcy will continue forever. Something else will go wonky and we’ll have to deal with whatever it is.
But for the moment, I am delighted to report that there is nothing to report.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Acting Like Raccoons
According to legend, exactly at midnight on Christmas Eve, barn animals bow in homage to the infant born in their midst.
“Ox and ass before him bow,” we sing in one familiar carol. In his poem “The Oxen,” Thomas Hardy imagined the beasts dropping to their knees in the straw.
I’m guessing that they didn’t have raccoons back then. Somehow, I cannot imagine raccoons kneeling in homage to anybody. Not even Jesus.
As a young man, I heard the local raccoon gang invading our garbage cans. I went out with a flashlight, expecting to shoo them away. They didn’t budge. And when they started baring canine teeth, guess which of us backed off?
An acquaintance had a similar experience when she tried to scare a squad of raccoons destroying her third backyard inflatable pool. “Their reaction to me running out into the yard waving a broom, yelling at the top of my lungs,” she wrote, “was an unconcerned glance in my direction, and back to shredding the pool.”
Her sister had to have rabies shots after a raccoon ripped through the screen on her bedroom window. Neither two dogs barking, nor the sister trying to whack the intruder with a 2x4 -- “Doesn't everyone keep one of those handy?” my informant asked -- deterred the unwelcome visitor.
Finally, one of the dogs tackled the raccoon. Sister intervened, and got a full set of raccoon teeth embedded in her hand.
The dog, fortunately, had had rabies shots. The sister hadn’t – yet.
This was, fortunately, a lone intruder. Raccoons are generally social creatures, who work together to create havoc.
Our next door neighbours were having a barbecue one evening. Guests gathered to watch Mama Raccoon parade her brood across the end of the yard. Meanwhile, Papa filched a steak right off the barbecue.
With their little masked bandit faces, raccoons are as cute as buttons. They’re intelligent. Their fingers uncannily resemble ours.
Perhaps that’s why we feel a kind of kinship with them. We share a lot of traits.
Which is why I suspect that if there had been raccoons in that stable, on that first Christmas, they’d have been more likely to steal any scraps of food Mary and Joseph had than to kneel in awe beside the manger.
Instead of gazing benignly upon an idealized mom-and-child scene, Joseph would have been chasing a bunch of irreverent bandits around the stable.
The nativity story, handed down through some 80 generations, tells us that the only humans who knelt beside the manger were total strangers, shepherds awed by some near-hallucinogenic visions in the fields.
The rest of Bethlehem, it would seem, acted more like raccoons. They carried on with their usual business of surviving in a country occupied by a foreign army and ruled by a corrupt king.
For some, no doubt, their “usual business” included a certain amount of theft, larceny, and under-the-counter dealing.
Just like today.
It makes me wonder just how far we have really progressed in 20 centuries.
I wonder, in fact, how many of us humans today still carry on with our usual business, without much thought for the miracles that take place in our midst.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Paul Hartman discovered this interesting and possibly profound typo in a list of things that “Hope” does.
“Hope lights a candle instead of curing the darkness.”
Perhaps Paul, that means we tend to address the symptoms rather than the underlying problem.
John Ellis of Paris, Maine writes: “A recent choral concert ended with a sing-along. The song sheet instructed the audience to sing ‘Silent night, holy night, all is clam, all is bright’."
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
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Wish I’d Said That! – There are victories of the soul and spirit. Sometimes, even if you lose, you win.
Elie Wiesel via Jim Taylor
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Will Rogers via Evelyn McLachlan
Christmas comes but once a year. Which is just as well.
source unknown
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We Get Letters – Kelly Taylor-Schaus saw this on a church bulletin board.
“Beat the Christmas rush. Go to church THIS week.
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Ten Lords a Leaping!”) Traditionally, the 12 days of Christmas begin on December 25th. That funny old carol, “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” which we like to bellow each year, is a good one to sing during that time.
It’s more legend than fact, but the story goes that during the era when Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly, this song was written as a secret catechism for their children.
The symbols are as follows: * My True Love is God.
* Partridge in a Pear Tree is a reference to Jesus Christ (perhaps from Matthew 23:37 and Luke 13:34).
* Two Turtle Doves are the Old and New Testament.
* Three French Hens refer to faith, hope and love (1 Corinthians 13).
* Four Calling Birds are four gospels.
* Five Golden Rings are the Torah, the first five books of Hebrew Scripture.
* Six Geese a-Laying are the six days of Creation.
* Seven Swans a-Swimming are the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit.
* Eight Maids a-Milking refer to the eight beatitudes from Matthew 5.
* Nine Ladies Dancing are the fruits of the Spirit listed in Galatians 5.
* Ten Lords a-Leaping refer to the Ten Commandments.
* Eleven Pipers Piping are the eleven faithful disciples.
* Twelve Drummers Drumming are the twelve points of belief in the Apostle’s Creed.
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Bottom of the Barrel – This classic from Evelyn McLachlan.
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 2:41-52
(NOTE: IT WOULD BE GOOD IF READER 2 COULD BE FEMALE.)
Reader 1: It was strange, y’know. I read the passage from 1 Samuel, and then I read this story in the gospel of Luke. It’s almost as if the Luke story was patterned on the older story.
Reader 2: It probably was. The gospel writers made a conscious attempt to make Jesus look like the ancients – like Samuel the prophet, like Moses, like Isaiah. It was really important to them that Jesus was connected to those old Hebrew stories.
1: (SPEAKING TO READER 2) Does that matter to you? (SPEAKING TO CONGREGATION) Does it matter to you?
2: No. At least it doesn’t matter nearly as much. People want the Bible to make sense to them in the here and now. In terms of today’s reality.
1: Okay, then this story will make sense to anyone who’s had a child go missing, even for a few minutes. The sense of sheer panic was overwhelming.
2: It’ll also make sense to anyone who has experienced an exceptionally bright child. I know one twelve-year-old who was reading adult books and remembering everything in them. Sometimes it seemed there was an adult brain in a 12-year-old body. Then the next minute he seemed like a kid again. That’s what Jesus sounds like in this story.
1: Well, let’s read it. It’s from Luke’s gospel.
SLIGHT PAUSE
2: Now every year Jesus’ parents went to Jerusalem for the festival of the Passover. And when he was twelve years old, they went up as usual for the festival.
1: When the festival was ended and they started to return, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but his parents did not know it. Assuming that Jesus was in the group of travelers, they went a day's journey. Then they started to look for him among their relatives and friends.
2: When they did not find him, they returned to Jerusalem to search for him. After three days they found Jesus in the temple, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions.
1: And all who heard him were amazed at his understanding and his answers. When his parents saw him they were astonished; and his mother spoke sharply to him.
2: Child, why have you treated us like this? Look, your father and I have been searching for you in great anxiety."
1: "Why were you searching for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?"
2: But they did not understand what he said to them. Then Jesus went down with his parents and came to Nazareth, and was obedient to them. His mother treasured all these things in her heart.
1: And Jesus increased in wisdom and in years, and in divine and human favor.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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