Thursday, November 26, 2009

Preaching Materials for December 6th, 2009

R U M O R S # 578
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-11-29

November 29, 2009

MARY’S SONG OF HOPE
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Several folks have written wondering if it’s possible to get the Reader’s Theatre further in advance. I wish I could promise that, but my mind is as organized as my daughter’s bedroom when she was a teenager. I usually manage to get Rumors done by Wednesday or Thursday, and that’s when I post it to the blog. So it’s not much help, but you can usually get it a day or two early if you check there.
So please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
If you check it a day or two early, there’s a good chance you’ll find Rumors there.
Thanks.
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The Story – about the yearning
Rumors – the God who sang the song through you
Soft Edges – learning the moves
Bloopers – about the duplicity
We Get Letters – this time you blew it
Mirabile Dictu! – hydrogin
Bottom of the Barrel – no Baptists
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Isaiah 11:1-9 and Luke 1:39-56
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – Preaching on the text of Ananias and Sapphira to a large congregation, the minister pounded her fist on the pulpit and roared, “God doesn’t strike people dead for lying like used to happen. Why, if God had continued to do that, where would I be?”
When the congregation stopped snickering, she roared back, “I’ll tell you where I’d be. Right here preaching to an empty church!”

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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, December 6th, which is the second Sunday of Advent. If you are using the Revised Common Lectionary, the readings are:
* Malachi 3:1-4 or Baruch 5:1-9
* Luke 1:68-79
* Philippians 1:3-11
* Luke 3:1-6

However:
If you are using the “Milton-Taylor Heretical Advent Story Lectionary”
you’ll be focusing on these three:
* Isaiah 11:1-9 “. . .a shoot shall come out from the stump of Jesse. . .”
* Luke 1:39-45, 56 “. . .Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the child leaped in her womb. . .’
* Luke 1:46-55 “My soul magnifies the Lord. . .” also known as the “Magnificat.”
The Magnificat – Mary’s song of praise – is often used in place of the psalm. Note Jim’s paraphrase below.

The Story – Isaiah 11:1-9 and Luke 1:39-45, 56
Ralph says –
It’s about yearning, I think. On the sign outside a local church I see the phrase: “It’s about love.” Which is true, but love without justice is hollow and sentimental. So which comes first? It’s a bit of a chicken-egg question.
Jacques Brel, in a song I have loved over the years, sings: “If we only have love we can melt all the guns/and then give the new world to our daughters and sons.” And he lists all the things we can do “if we only have love.” Clearly he is saying that love comes first but that love finds its fulfillment in justice. If our love doesn’t lead to action it’s sentimental mush.
Isaiah seems to feel that it’s God’s love that will initiate a realm of justice and kindness and honor. Mary, as she sings her ancient song, agrees. Everything starts with God’s action – in this case with “the lowliness of God’s servant.”
Years ago, Bev and I went to a Marriage Encounter where we were taught that “love is a choice.” If you choose to love, you will do loving things, and that will lead you into the experience of love. You don’t fall in love, you act your way into it.
Which is a pretty good, action oriented, Protestant work-ethic philosophy. That’s what my parents lived and taught, and I guess that’s what I’ve lived and taught all my life too. It certainly isn’t the only way, I’m sure.
Why is it that now in the sunset of my life, I’m only beginning to learn what I need to learn?

Luke 1:47-55 – – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Mary's – and perhaps every woman's – song of pregnancy.
47 My body bulges with new life;
the joy of it shines in my face.
48 For so long I have longed for this child.
Year after year, I felt I failed;
I was the most miserable of women.
But now everyone smiles at me; they congratulate me;
I'm so happy!
49 Now I know that prayers can be answered;
50 now I know that the deepest longings of the heart can take flesh.
51 I will be the best mother there ever was!
You don't have to be rich or famous to nurture new life;
you don't need big houses or expensive nannies –
you need love.
52 The most important person in the world lives inside me;
my unborn child matters more than prime ministers or presidents.
53 I feed my child with my own life blood;
I will nurse it with the milk of my own body.
No one else in all the world, no matter how rich or powerful, enjoys that privilege.
54 I care for my child the way I know God cares for me.
55 As the child lives in my womb, so I live in the womb of God.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

If you are using the Revised Common Lectionary, you will find an appropriate children’s version in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C,” page 22, which is based on Luke 1 and Luke 3. It attempts to tell a bit of the story of John the Baptizer.
If you are going with our suggestions, you can find a children’s version of the Isaiah story in Year A, page 13, titled “Making Ploughs out of Swords.” A children’s version of the Luke passage, based on verses 1:39-55, is found on page 28 and called, “Mary, Elizabeth, and Their Babies.”
If you don’t already own this three-volume resource, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.

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Rumors – The story of Mary and Elizabeth
"...the God who sang the song through you."

Mary's feet hurt. She'd forgotten how far it was from Nazareth to the hilltop home of her cousin Elizabeth.
Mary had started out early that morning, trying hard to hide her morning sickness. A desperate and fearful child she was – all of 14 years old, making up stories and excuses so she could go to visit her cousin.
Why Elizabeth? Mary wasn't sure. Except that Mary knew Elizabeth had always loved her even when she had felt less than lovable. And now, when Mary was in terrible trouble, she hoped – she knew Elizabeth would love her still.
Except that Elizabeth was married to a priest, and priests were sworn to enforce the very law that would surely have her executed. Death by stoning was the punishment for girls who got pregnant before marriage.
Now Elizabeth's house was just up the hill. And there was Elizabeth, big as life and pregnant.
"Elizabeth!" Mary called, joy and fear mingling in her voice.
"Mary!"
The two women ran toward each other, embraced and cried and laughed.
"Let me look at you, Mary," said Elizabeth, cupping her cousin's face in her hands. With her wise old eyes, Elizabeth looked deep into the young and tragic eyes of her cousin and saw the pain there.
"Mary, what's wrong?"
The dam burst. The flood of tears, held back by courage and by fear, burst and spilled into the arms of the older woman, who held the young one close until the flood had passed.
"I'm pregnant, Elizabeth," Mary whispered.
"Oh God help us," said Elizabeth, not as a curse but a prayer. "God help us!"
"It's so hard to explain..." Mary began.
"Then don't explain, Mary," Elizabeth said, touching Mary gently on the lips. "Just know that regardless of what may have happened, I love you and God loves you. Now let's just sit down here, in the shade, and talk.
And talk they did. Until the sun had set and they pulled their cloaks around themselves against the cold, they talked as only women who know pain and joy know how to talk.
"Mary," said Elizabeth, "I could feel my baby kicking inside me when I heard you call. That baby was glad to see you Mary. Glad to see you, and the baby you are carrying. Mary, a child to come is God's promise of hope."
"I know that, Elizabeth. There is one part of me that is full of joy, and strong, and hopeful. There's another part of me that is angry and terrified and cowardly. Sometimes I feel as if I'm two people."
"Mary, do you remember an old song I used to sing for you – the one that was sung so many years ago by Hannah, one of our foremothers, when she waited those long years for a baby? During all the long, long years I waited for God to send me a baby, that song helped me feel strength and patience, even when I was afraid and angry."
Quietly, then with more and more strength, Mary began to sing the old, old song.

All that I am
grows and expands,
and rejoices with God
who will save me.
Small as I am,
I grow and expand,
to the future and God
who has blessed me.
God's love offers life,
God's strength is the love
that brings justice and peace
to all nations.
God's love offers life,
To the poor and the meek
Who are raised from the ground
where they suffer.
All that I am
grows and expands,
with God who brings life,
hope and justice."
Elizabeth looked at the slip of a girl called Mary. So thin, so weak, so vulnerable. And yet, deep in those dark, youthful eyes, Elizabeth saw great strength, courage and faith.
"I don't know how, Mary, because I know all the laws and all the customs of our people are lined up to destroy you. But somehow I believe God is with you. The child in my womb, the child in yours, are God's gifts of hope, Mary. Can you believe that, Mary? Even when everything seems to be painful and wrong, can you believe in the God who sang that song through you?"

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Learning the Moves
Our family has found its routines upset by Joan’s chemotherapy recently. So I’ve been diving back into my archives, and finding columns that are worth repeating. Here’s one of them.

Joan bought me a CD of hit songs from the 1950s. If you’re anywhere near my age, you may remember Perry Como singing “I used to be a dance hall dandy, I knew all there was to know. I knew this-a-way, from that-a-way, Now I don’t know what’s goin’ on…” I never thought of Perry Como as a theologian. But in those long-ago lyrics, I hear an explanation for the current ills of many churches.
Sociologist Reg Bibby believes that the downturn in church attendance may have bottomed out. The continuing decline among younger people seems to have slowed. There may even be a slight upturn in attendance. (That’s in Canada; the U.S. has not experienced the same precipitous slump.)
Reg attributes this turnaround to a renewed interest in religion. Reg is a smart man. But I think he may have missed the point.
Church (and religion) is a social phenomenon, like cocktail parties, bingo, and bridge. If you don’t feel comfortable in that milieu, you won’t take part.
I recall taking Joan to a baseball game on a beautiful balmy summer night, long before we were married. Lights made the field glow emerald against the surrounding dark. I remember the crack of bat on ball, the thunk of ball in oiled glove, the raucous rulings of the umpire, dust rising behind the spikes of a runner racing to steal second…
Joan was bored. She didn’t understand baseball.
The tables were turned on me, when I watched an outdoor chess game. The player I thought was losing, because he had fewer pieces left on the board, made a move. The bystanders burst into spontaneous applause. Checkmate!
I didn’t have a clue what he had just done.
If you don’t understand the moves, it’s all gibberish. Whether it’s baseball or chess.
Or church.
On those occasions when non-churchgoers find themselves trapped in a worship service – mostly at weddings and funerals, but also at Christmas and Easter – I watch them fumble with bulletin and hymnbook. They don’t know what page to turn to. They don’t know when to stand, when to sit.
Regular churchgoers have some sense of what to expect. But for a stranger, the language, the symbols, the actions might as well be gibberish. Why these colors? Why these gestures? Why sing dirges accompanied by asthmatic organs? Why, in fact, read from a Bible, instead of from, say, Buckminster Fuller, Mark Twain, or Deepak Chopra?
Once upon a time, everyone was familiar with the chess moves of the church. They didn’t necessarily care much, but they knew what was going on.
But today, church is an unfamiliar environment. Most people, I suspect, find themselves more comfortable with the conventions of the casino or the curling rink. Church makes them feel awkward.
Like Perry Como, they “don’t know what’s goin’ on.”
So they stay away.
And they will continue to stay away from churches that expect them to learn a foreign culture before they can feel comfortable.

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Sometimes advertising is more honest than it intends to be. Vern Ratzlaff of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan saw this line in a newspaper ad. “Save regularly at our bank; you'll never reget it.”

Janice Minardi of Madison Wisconsin writes “At first I thought perhaps it was intentional. I loved ‘a child of sorrow and aquatinted with grief.’ It is too good to correct.”
Janice, I looked at your e-mail half a dozen times before I got it. I’m one of those people who sees the shape of a word and infers the meaning from the context, and so my mind skipped right over “aquatinted.” Now I’m wondering what color “aquatinted” might be.

Pat Bush enjoyed this note in a newsletter. "I am re-sending this email individually because a large number of the emails I sent out as a mass mailing have bounced back with 'delivery failed' notices. If you already received this message, I apologize for the duplicity."

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
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Wish I’d Said That! – To get the full value of a joy, you must have somebody to divide it with.
Mark Twain via Mary from Oman

Evelyn McLachlan sent these a little late for American Thanksgiving and way late for the Canadian celebration. But it doesn’t matter.
“Last Thanksgiving, I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey. Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department.”
“When everyone at the table takes turns saying what they are thankful for, say, ‘I'm thankful I didn't get caught,’ and refuse to say anything more.”

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We Get Letters – Alice Warnes writes: “Ralph! This time you blew it!
I was appalled at your depiction of Baby Jesus being the bastard offspring of a Roman soldier. I feel you stepped over a line.
Christmas is hard enough for us older folks who struggle with our personal truths suddenly becoming "myths". I look at our beautiful Nativity Scene on our mantle (you know, the one from Costco) and I get a pang as I suddenly ask myself, did any of this happen? And wishing folks a "Merry Christmas" is so yesterday. But I can go along with "Happy Holidays".
However, Mary – being raped by a soldier – adds a particularly vulgar dimension that we don't need. I can't be the only one to be revolted by this. I suspect you may even be hearing from the Pope. At least you should.
I can't wait for the next issue of Rumors. You really stepped in it this time.

Russell Pastuch of Ottawa, Ontario writes: “I figured the Messiah had a backbone, what with being born to a Roman ‘solider’.”
But I got lost a few sentences later when you announced ‘A child, just ‘barley’ a woman.’ Does this have anything to do with the martini later on? Perhaps a barley sandwich – a good brewskie?”

Lynton Wade of Caroline Springs, Victoria, Australia writes: “The artificial insemination line reminded me of the two cows chatting about the prevalence of Mad Cow’s Disease. One was completely agitated about it, the other quite relaxed, ‘I’m not worried about it,’ said the relaxed cow. ‘I’m a tractor’.”

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Hydrogin!”)
This list is reported to have been compiled of things students wrote on exams. It may have started there, but it is largely made of contributions as it has circulated around the net.
* H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
* To collect fumes from sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
* When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
* Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.
* A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
* Liter: A nest of young puppies.
* Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
* Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
* Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
* Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
* The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.
* A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
* To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
* For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the heart until it stops.
* For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
* Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
* The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
* Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
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Bottom of the Barrel – (Note: Change the denomination and location to suit yourself.)
Three atheists were teasing a Baptist minister.
“I think I will move to Nevada,” said one. “Only 25% of the people are Baptist.”
“No, I’m going to Colorado,” said the second. “Only 10% of the people are Baptist.”
“Better yet is Canada,” said the third. “Only 5% there are Baptist”
“I have the best suggestion of all,” said the minister smiling. “Why don’t you all go to Hell. There are NO Baptists there!”

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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Isaiah 11:1-9 and Luke 1:39-56
Reader 1: Do you like poetry?
Reader 2: Sure I do. Would you like me to recite my favorite poem?
1: OK.
2: “Mary had a little lamb, it’s fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.” (LAUGHS)
1: No, no. I mean real poetry. Poetry that get’s right down inside you. That works way deep down inside the belly, or the brain.
2: Yeah, I know. I was just pulling your leg. I think you are talking about the passage from Isaiah. I almost ache when I hear that.
1: I’m wondering if Isaiah’s time was a bit like ours. We have wars all over – starvation and AIDS in Africa, political conflict all over – homeless people freezing on our streets.
2: And Isaiah closes his eyes and tries to imagine what will happen when God comes and takes charge of his hurting world. It’s an aching, hurting dream.
SLIGHT PAUSE
1: A shoot shall come out from the stump of Jesse, and a branch shall grow out of his roots.
2: The spirit of God shall rest on this person, the spirit of wisdom and understanding, the spirit of counsel and might, the spirit of knowledge and the fear of the God. And this is the blessing that will rest on the person God sends:
1: Delight in the fear of God
2: Judgment, not by what is seen or heard.
1: The poor shall be judged with righteousness.
2: Equity for the meek of the earth;
1: And the wicked shall be killed.
2: The wolf shall live with the lamb, the leopard shall lie down with the kid,
1: The calf and the lion and the fatling together, and a little child shall lead them.
2: The cow and the bear shall graze, their young shall lie down together; and the lion shall eat straw like the ox.
1: The nursing child shall play over the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put its hand on the adder's den.
2: They will not hurt or destroy on all my holy mountain; for the earth will be full of the knowledge of God as the waters cover the sea.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
1: That is so beautiful. Can’t you just imagine the people of the early church. They were thinking of who Jesus was and what he was trying to do, and when they read this passage, they said “Wow! That writer must have been talking about Jesus.”
2: Were they right?
1: It doesn’t matter. That kind of yearning for peace and justice and beauty and joy and wholeness – that’s what Jesus was about.
2: We have another passage to read. This one is about Mary going to visit her cousin Elizabeth.
1: Nowadays we’re not bothered by a woman being pregnant before she was married, but in those days that was a terrible thing. The punishment for that could be death by stoning. I wonder if that’s why Mary ran off to visit Elizabeth.
2: Could be. But before we read that story, I just want to point out that the song Mary sings was probably a really old song. There’s one very much like it sung by Hanna many years ago when she realized she was pregnant. Hannah gave birth to Samuel the prophet.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
1: We are reading from the first chapter of Luke’s gospel.
2: In those days Mary set out and went with haste to a Judean town in the hill country, where she entered the house of Zechariah. She greeted Elizabeth.
1: When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the child leaped in her womb. And Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit and exclaimed with a loud cry, "Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb. And why has this happened to me, that the mother of the Messiah comes to me? For as soon as I heard the sound of your greeting, the child in my womb leaped for joy. And blessed are you Mary, because you believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to you by God."
2: My soul proclaims your greatness, O God,
And my spirit rejoices in you, my Savior.
For you have looked with favor
Upon your lowly servant
And from this day forward
All generations shall call me blessed.
For you, the Almighty have done great things for me,
And holy is your Name.
Your mercy reaches from age to age
For those who fear you.
You have shown strength with your arm:
You have scattered the proud in their conceit;
You have deposed the mighty from their thrones
And raised the lowly to high places.
You have filled the hungry with good things,
And you have sent the rich away empty.
You have come to the aid of Israel your servant,
Mindful of your mercy –
The promise you made to our ancestors –
To Sarah and Abraham
And their descendants forever.*
1: And Mary remained with Elizabeth about three months and then returned to her home in Nazareth.

* this rendering of the Magnificat is taken from “The Inclusive Bible.”
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Preaching Materials for November 29, 2009

R U M O R S # 577
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-11-22

November 22, 2009

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"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Note: Jim Taylor is on the road this week and is having internet problems. He used that antique invention, the phone, to tell me that he would not be able to provide his comments to the lectionary nor his “Soft Edges” column.
He’ll be back next week.

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The Story – breathless beauty
Rumors – Look God, you blew it
Soft Edges – not available. See above.
Bloopers – holy Holly
We Get Letters – anguishing joy
Mirabile Dictu! – Déjà Moo
Bottom of the Barrel – when you’re really sick
Rationale for the Alternate Advent Lectionary
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Isaiah 7:14-16 and Luke 1:26-38
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – This from John Severson.
The minister waited in line to have the car filled with gas just before a longholiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead. Finally, the attendant motioned the minister toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young attendant, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, November 29th, which is the first Sunday in Advent.
* Jeremiah 33:14-16
* Psalm 25:1-10
* 1 Thessalonians 3:9-13
* Luke 21:25-36

However!
Last Tuesday you received a special bulletin announcing an alternate set of readings for this Advent – readings that we feel are more relevant to the church as it is today. If you misplaced or just didn’t read that bulletin, it is reproduced below, just before the Reader’s Theatre.

The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Isaiah 7:14-16 and Luke 1:26-38
Ralph says –
I’ve put these two readings together because they are both about the same thing. It really doesn’t matter that the prophet was probably speaking about his own wife. But the birth of the child was a sign that “God is with us” as the name Immanuel means. Later generations began to read this as a sign of the coming Messiah, which is as it should be. We all read the scripture that way. Every child born into this world is a sign that God is with us.
And let’s not get hung up on gynecological details. The early church, years after the death and resurrection of Jesus, mistranslated Isaiah’s “young woman” as “virgin,” and Luke wrote it down that way. It became so important to them that this Jesus who was for them the Christ, the Messiah, be in some way particularly and directly connected to God. They didn’t know how to express that and so the legend of his birth grew and blossomed.
So of course it had to be the angel who made a special trip to deliver the message and of course Mary had to be the perfect woman because who else but a perfect woman could give birth to such a person.
I’m a bit sad that the implication is that a child born out of the love of both a man and a woman might be less than perfect and less a messenger of God’s love. But I’m not going to let that spoil the breathless beauty of this legend.
I tried to capture this beauty and wonder in children’s versions of both the Isaiah and Luke readings, in the Lectionary Story Bible (see below). Adults really benefit from hearing these and understand the bible readings more deeply. That is why many worship leaders choose to read them while the children are still with the adults. The grown-ups don’t realize it’s as much for them as for the kids.

Psalm 25:1-10 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 I look up to you, my Savior. I trust you.
2 Do not disgrace me. Do not let others crow over my humiliation.
3 Those who are sneaky and devious–let them make fools of themselves, Lord.
4 But I do not want to be one of them, Lord.
I want to be more like you.
5. So take me under your wing. Protect me while I learn to fly.
Hold my hand while I learn to walk.
You are my only chance; I hang all my hopes on you.
6 I've been told you don't hold grudges;
I have heard you are compassionate.
7 Don't hold my past against me.
I have done wrong–but who hasn't?
Except you.
If you must judge, set an example for us;
Show us the compassion and kindness you expect us to show others.
8 Act according to your own standards, not according to the world's.
9 Then the humble will learn how to handle themselves;
the broken of body will be able to stand tall;
the poor can walk proud,
10 because they walk in your ways.
Your way is founded on love and faithfulness;
those who choose to walk with you, learn from you.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

If you are planning to stick to the prescribed lectionary, you will find two useful children’s stories in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C.” On page 16, you’ll find a story based on 1 Thessalonians 3:9-13 called “How to Be a Church Together.” On page 21 you’ll find a story based on the passage from Luke called “What Do Prophets Do.”
If you are going with the alternate readings we suggest, you’ll find a delightful story (at least, I enjoyed writing it) called “A Child Named Immanuel,” based on Isaiah 7:10-16 on page 33 of volume A. Also in volume A is an annunciation story based on the readings from Luke and Matthew. It’s called “Joseph’s Brave Choice,” and it’s on page 35.
If you don’t already own this three-volume set of stories based on the Revised Common Lectionary, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
If you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.

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Rumors – “This time, God, you blew it!”
The Incarnation– a fantasy
ÓRalph Milton
(Note: This is a very unorthodox and somewhat heretical perspective. Some might find it deeply upsetting. Please read it yourself before you read it to a congregation or a Bible study group.)

God had called a meeting of the heavenly hosts to consider the proposal.
"I've told 'em and told 'em and I've told 'em," said God, when they were all sitting around the board room table. "All that business with Abraham and Isaac and Joseph. And then there was Isaiah scaring the pants off 'em and Jeremiah with his audiovisuals. Even Ezekiel on his psychedelic trip. Nobody listens to me anymore. I get no respect.
"How about another prophet?" said Gabriel. "Only this time, one with a bit of class. White suit. Healing everybody. Strong speaker. Charismatic personality. Tongues...yeah, speaking in tongues. We haven't done that little number...."
"Look, Gabe...," said God. "I know I put you in charge of PR but another prophet won't do. Even with a white suit and tongues. It's gotta be something more. It's got to be the Messiah."
"You're kidding," said Gabriel.
"No. I mean it. Time to stop fooling around. If you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself. So I shall become flesh and dwell among them. Get me the Messiah suit."
Gabriel was dumbfounded. He didn’t expect God to go through with it. Never did he expect God to become a human being, even though there had been promises to that effect for centuries.
And Gabriel had certainly never seen a Messiah suit. But there he stood at the locker with the key in his hand.
It was a greyish, moth-eaten piece of badly woven wool.
"Ah...God...." said Gabriel on the intercom to the throne room. "I think you must have sent me to the wrong locker. It was number 666, wasn't it?"
"Of course!' said God. "I don't make mistakes."
"Well, ah, it doesn't look much like a Messiah suit to me. It isn't really the kind of thing you'd wear on a triumphal ride into Jerusalem. It's nothing but an old wool rag..."
"That's it!" said the voice on the intercom.
"But God..."
"That's it!"
Back in the throne room Gabriel was busy trying to work out the logistics of it all. "We've got to get you born, first of all. Now you had one of your prophets tell people the Messiah would be born of a virgin..."
"Got just the girl," said God.
"Let me guess," said Gabriel. "Salome, the daughter of King Herod."
"She's NOT a virgin!" said God.
"Oh."
"Besides –I've got a girl from Nazareth called Mary...."
"She's not a virgin either," said Gabriel.
"She was raped," said God angrily. "By a Roman soldier. As far as I'm concerned, she's a virgin."
"Gimme a break, God. I'm not stupid, y'know."
"You're not stupid, but you haven't really paid attention to the prophets, Gabriel. The Messiah will be "despised and rejected, a child of sorrow and aquatinted with grief." Who could be more despised and rejected in Jewish society than the bastard child of a Roman solider.
"You are right of course, God," Gabriel groveled. "But she is still not a virgin."
"Oh?" said God. "A child, just barley a woman, brutally raped on her way home one night, has committed no sin. She is a victim of sin. But she is ready to bear and love that child, and as far as I'm concerned, she is a virgin, and henceforth, all nations shall call her blessed."
"But you always seem to go to the dregs of society for your leaders, God. Why?"
"Why? Why Gabriel? Because my name is Love. And when someone is hurt, I can't help but love them just a little more. That's why I chose the Hebrews–such a poor, pathetic little tribe. That's why I chose Sarah, such a sad old woman who laughed when I announced her pregnancy. That's why I chose Jacob who was dishonest and all thumbs, and why I gave him Rachel so he could make something out of himself. That's why I chose Ruth, a starving widow and David, a shepherd from the boondocks."
"Yeah," said Gabriel. "Youngest sons and women. The ones voted least likely to succeed. It's no wonder most of the world has never heard of you. You know how to pick the winners, that's for sure."
God sighed. "Go tell her Gabe. Tell that poor frightened girl, she's going to have a baby. Me."
–-
It was years later. Gabriel was busy minding the shop while God was off being a human. Gabriel's biggest problem was trying to explain things to all the cherubim and seraphim that kept pestering him with questions.
And Gabe wasn't doing very well.
"I guess God's really taking it seriously, this business of being human. Seems to me the Messiah could have reserved a few divine privileges. That stable was a mess. You couldn't believe the smell. And the cockroaches. But then I guess God created the cockroaches too, though I'll never know why."
Then Gabriel tried to force a little optimism. After all, when you're in PR the name of the game is optimism.
"But I think God's going to do it right this time. There's a plan for a big ride into Jerusalem...people waving and shouting, all that sort of thing. I've got Judas all geared up to really challenge God to do it up brown. 'Be the Messiah and take charge', Judas is going to tell God. 'Show them who's boss'. Judas can pull it off.
"Gabriel, sir." It was one of the cherubim. "I was just down there flying around a little. And I was wondering....for the parade into Jerusalem...why did they choose a donkey?"
"A donkey! For Pete's sake. God..." and Gabriel stopped just short of blasphemy. "So what's wrong with a horse? That would have been impressive. Conquerors and kings ride on horses."
"Maybe God doesn't want to be a conqueror," said the cherubim.
"Of course God is the conqueror!" Gabriel was shouting now. "How else do you take charge of the world? Being sweet and nice is fine for openers, but if you want to be God of Gods and Lord of Lords...if you want to be the Messiah... you've got to show some muscle. A donkey..."
–-
It was just a week later. Gabriel was sitting in his office nursing a very large, very dry martini. There was a tiny knock at the door.
"What?" shouted Gabriel.
"Pardon me, sir," said the cherubim. "But I thought I should come and tell you."
"What's to tell. They made God the laughing stock. Crucified him like a crook out on the garbage dump. All we got was a few pious niceties from the cross. 'It is finished'. How's THAT for an exit line? 'It is finished. I'm finished.'"
"But God isn't."
"Isn't what?"
"Finished. The women went to the tomb. The body wasn't there. And then God appeared to the women and the other disciples. God is alive!"
"Great! Marvelous! I love it! Hey, I knew the boss had some tricks up that old sleeve. How about that? Now God is going to ride right back through town and show those Romans which end is up. How about that?"
"Are you sure?"
"What do you mean? Of course I'm sure. I'm the Archangel Gabriel, ain't I?"
"Well," said the cherubim. "God doesn't seem to be doing that. God doesn't seem to be meeting with anyone except the disciples."
"The disciples? That bunch of wimps? What for? A bunch of nerds who can't walk and chew gum. Damn! Why is it, that an all-powerful God never uses that power. When you're holding four aces, why not play them?
"You'd think, from the way God is acting, that it's better to be weak. That losers win.
"I never thought I'd say it, but God, the Lord Yahweh, Creator of Heaven and Earth, couldn't make it as a human.
“God! This time you blew it!"

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Linda Paddon writes: “A typo in our order of service one Sunday changed our daughter Holly to Holy!”
Well Linda, I’m sure your daughter is.

Jessica Cottrell of Englehart, Ontario says she “went to announce the next hymn and saw it printed as ‘What a Fiend We Have in Jesus’."
WWJD? I bet he'd use his turn signal!
seen on a bumper sticker via Evelyn McLachlan

“…a really neat idea just pooped into my head.”
seen on a newsletter

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
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Wish I’d Said That! – If my memory was any shorter, I’d be going back in time!
Pat Jones

You can't have a better tomorrow if you're thinking about yesterday.
Charles Kettering via Pat Jones

It is never too late to give up our prejudices.
Henry David Thoreau via Mary “in lovely sunny Oman”

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We Get Letters – Thanks to the many who wrote in response to our presumptive foray into lectionary improvement. There were many, many enthusiastic positive responses. But also a healthy number of thoughtful letters from those who feel we may be missing something important.
I don’t want to get into a debate on this topic, so let this one letter from Jim Lawton stand for those who made a strong and useful case for seeing the strength and necessity in the lectionary as it is.
“It may be presumptuous to think we don't need to hear about (and prepare to prepare!) preparing to welcome Jesus into our lives/world/church. I see too much of this Gospel-by-marketing-priorities here in the states. It IS a sellout, though. I think is an indication of how our western culture has sold out and simply doesn't have the patience to deal with expectation and looking ahead, and how we can't “get" the Jewish view-take on life. I will be trying to get "the people" to remember the anguishing joy of all the expectations we had leading up to Christmas.”

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Déjà Moo!”) These from Marilyn MacDonald. Some of them have been around before but I laughed all over again so I’m including them. A few are new. At least to me.
* Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
* A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
* Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.
* A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
* Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
* An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
* Déjà Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
* I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
* I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
* What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
* A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
* There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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Bottom of the Barrel – This from Marilyn MacDonald, by way of Carl Chamberlain on “e-talk.” The pastor visited a man in the hospital. The parishioner had been told they did not know what was wrong with him, but it seemed he was 'going downhill' very quickly.
The patient asked the pastor to pray for him, with the statement, 'If I get better, I will give $10,000. to the building fund of the church.
The pastor relayed this information to the chair of the Building Committee.
When the man did actually get better, and had arrived home, there was no mention of the pledge, so the pastor decided to remind him of his promise.
The response was, 'Pastor, did I actually say that?'
' Yes, you did.'
'Well,' said the man, 'that just goes to show you how really sick I was, doesn't it!'

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Special Bulletin (sent to the entire Rumors list last Tuesday)
for those Rumors readers who are preparing worship services during the four Sundays of Advent.
We (Jim Taylor and I) plan to abandon the lectionary for this season. Yes, we know that’s both presumptuous and heretical. Also a little arrogant.
But here’s why.
It’s more important for people to hear the Christmas story than it is to be faithful to the lectionary. The Revised Common Lectionary is a useful tool and we will return to it. But in the Advent season it fails us.
In the churches Jim and I know anything about, attendance peaks during the four Sundays of Advent. That’s when the “almost committed” are there. This is our evangelistic opportunity. This is our one chance to talk to them about the one Christian story they know best. For many, the only Christian story they know.
Yes, the faithful core of worshippers will be there after Christmas, but even they don’t really understand why they shouldn’t sing carols and hear the Christmas story during what they think of as “the Christmas season.”
If people don’t hear the Christmas story in church, they will hear it only as told by Wal Mart and on TV. Reminds me of the couple who noticed a manger scene on the lawn of a church. “Look at that,” said one to the other. “Now even the churches are trying to horn-in on Christmas!”
So here’s a bit of advance notice about the readings we’ll be featuring during the four Sunday in Advent. In the “Reader’s Theatre” we will be using both the readings from Isaiah and from Luke.
Advent one:
Isaiah 7:14-16 “a young woman is with child and shall bear a son. . .”
Luke 1:26-38 “the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a town in Galilee . . .”
Advent two:
Isaiah 11:1-9 “A shoot shall come out from the stump of Jesse. . .”
Luke 1:39-45, 56 “Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the child leaped in her womb”
Luke 1:46-55 “My soul magnifies the Lord . . .” can be used in place of the psalm or included in the gospel reading.
Advent three:
Isaiah 9:6-7 “For a child has been born to us. . .”
Luke 2:1-7 “she gave birth to her first-born son. . .”
Advent four:
Isaiah 52:7-10 “how beautiful upon the mountains are the feet. . .”
You may decide to do Luke 2:1-7 again on this Sunday and then add. . .
Luke 2:8-21 “there were shepherds living in the fields. . .”

We hope this advance notice has been useful to you.
Ralph Milton

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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Isaiah 7:14-16 and Luke 1:26-38
Note: It would be good if reader 1 could be female, since number 1 has the role of Mary in the second reading.

Reader 1: Well, the time really gallops, doesn’t it? Here it is, the First Sunday in the season of Advent.
Reader 2: So what’s with this Advent business? I thought this was the Christmas season.
1: It’s about getting ready. Getting prepared. So that when Christmas Day arrives, you’ll really know what it’s about.
2: I know. It’s about gifts. Getting your Christmas wish list. Going on a shopping binge. Do you know what I want this Christmas?
1: No, and please don’t tell me. It’s about gifts, all right, but not that kind of thing. It’s about God giving us the greatest gift imaginable. It’s about God giving us God.
2: What?
1: God giving us God!
2: I still don’t get it. I mean if God is everywhere, and God made everything there is, and if everything belongs to God including me and you, then how can God give us God?
1: Isn’t it wonderful? It’s a mystery that you can’t get your head around and neither can I. And neither could those first Christians. They believed so deeply – so powerfully that it almost hurt inside. They believed that in some mysterious way, this man named Jesus whom they had seen and heard and eaten with, was actually God.
2: Is that why they started digging around in the writings of the ancient prophets, thinking that maybe those ancient people knew what was coming?
1: Exactly. And that’s our first reading. It’s from the prophet Isaiah. Chapter 7.
SLIGHT PAUSE
2: God will give you a sign.
1: Look, the young woman is with child and shall bear a son, and shall name him Immanuel, which means, “God is with us.” This son shall eat curds and honey by the time he knows how to refuse the evil and choose the good. Because, before the child knows how to refuse the evil and choose the good, the land before whose two kings you are in dread will be deserted.”
SLIGHT PAUSE
2: Isaiah was talking about the political situation in his own time – long before the time of Jesus.
1: But I guess the folks in the early Christian church looked for everything they could find to support their gut-level belief that Jesus had been God. Maybe they picked up on that name. Immanuel. God is with us. Because when Luke sat down to write his account of how Jesus was born, the early Christians had already developed a legend out of this passage.
2: But isn’t it a bit strange? I mean there’s poor Mary, she’s not married or anything, and suddenly an angel comes and tells her that God will make her pregnant. And she says, “OK. Sure. Whatever.”
1: That is not what she says. But this mysterious scene that Luke describes is the early church’s way of saying this man Jesus was more than just exceptional. This man Jesus was God.
2: OK. Let’s read!
SLIGHT PAUSE
1) In the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a town in Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin engaged to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. The virgin's name was Mary. Gabriel came and spoke to her.
2: "Greetings, favored one! The Lord is with you."
1:But Mary was much perplexed by the angel’s words and pondered what sort of greeting this might be.
2: "Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And now, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you will name him Jesus. He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Most High, and the Lord God will give to him the throne of his ancestor David. This child will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end."
1: "How can this be, since I am a virgin?"
2: "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the child to be born will be holy; he will be called Son of God. And here’s something to help you believe. Your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son; and this is the sixth month for her who was said to be barren. You see, nothing is impossible with God."
1: "Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word."
2: Then the angel departed from her.

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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Bulletin for those preparing for Advent 2009

Special Bulletin:
for those Rumors readers who are preparing worship services during the four Sundays of Advent.
We (Jim Taylor and I) plan to abandon the lectionary for this season. Yes, we know that’s both presumptuous and heretical. Also a little arrogant.
But here’s why.
It’s more important for people to hear the Christmas story than it is to be faithful to the lectionary. The Revised Common Lectionary is a useful tool and we will return to it. But in the Advent season it fails us.
In the churches Jim and I know anything about, attendance peaks during the four Sundays of Advent. That’s when the “almost committed” are there. This is our evangelistic opportunity. This is our one chance to talk to them about the one Christian story they know best. For many, the only Christian story they know.
Yes, the faithful core of worshippers will be there after Christmas, but even they don’t really understand why they shouldn’t sing carols and hear the Christmas story during what they think of as “the Christmas season.”
If people don’t hear the Christmas story in church, they will hear it only as told by Wal Mart and on TV. Reminds me of the couple who noticed a manger scene on the lawn of a church. “Look at that,” said one to the other. “Now even the churches are trying to horn-in on Christmas!”
So here’s a bit of advance notice about the readings we’ll be featuring during the four Sunday in Advent. In the “Reader’s Theatre” we will be using both the readings from Isaiah and from Luke.
Advent one:
Isaiah 7:14-16 “a young woman is with child and shall bear a son. . .”
Luke 1:26-38 “the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a town in Galilee . . .”
Advent two:
Isaiah 11:1-9 “A shoot shall come out from the stump of Jesse. . .”
Luke 1:39-45, 56 “Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the child leaped in her womb”
Luke 1:46-55 “My soul magnifies the Lord . . .” can be used in place of the psalm or included in the gospel reading.
Advent three:
Isaiah 9:6-7 “For a child has been born to us. . .”
Luke 2:1-7 “she gave birth to her first-born son. . .”
Advent four:
Isaiah 52:7-10 “how beautiful upon the mountains are the feet. . .”
You may decide to do Luke 2:1-7 again on this Sunday and then add. . .
Luke 2:8-21 “there were shepherds living in the fields. . .”

We hope this advance notice has been useful to you.
Ralph Milton

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Preaching Materials for November 22nd, 2009

R U M O R S #576
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-11-15

November 15, 2009

WHAT KIND OF A KING?
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.

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The Story – a different kind of king
Rumors – they might have seen themselves as brothers
Soft Edges – while women weep
Bloopers – stiff opposition
We Get Letters – fingers connected to the brain
Mirabile Dictu! – save the whales
Bottom of the Barrel – having a wife
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 18:33-38a
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. The children in the Kindergarten class seemed to be very intense as they drew a picture of how Eve was created.
Later in the week the mother of one of the kindergarten boys noticed him lying down as though he were ill.
“I have a pain in my side,” said the boy. “I think I’m going to have a wife.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, November 22nd, which is Reign of Christ Sunday, or Proper 29 (34). That’s the last Sunday of the Christian Year. The following Sunday is Advent 1. Fa la la la la, etc.
* 2 Samuel 23:1-7 or Daniel 7:9-10, 13-14
* Psalm 132:1-12, (13-18) or Psalm 93
* Revelation 1:4b-8
* John 18:33-37

2 Samuel 23:1-7 – “Famous last words” – a phrase that has entered our culture. I recall being in a guided meditation once, where the leader asked us to imagine that we were on our death bed with the most important people in our lives gathered around us. And we were to imagine what we would say to each of them. I remember thinking that I had the same words for all of them, namely, “I love you,” and “Live God’s dream for you.”
I can’t quite imagine David saying the carefully honed last words we read in this passage, but maybe he did. I’ve been at a number of dying bedsides, and in none of them has the dying person been in a position to say anything. Maybe we need to say our famous last words well before we’re on our death beds.
Maybe right now.

Psalm 132:1-12, (13-18)
Jim has paraphrased verses 11-18
11 When God makes a promise,
God does not break it.
So God said: "I have chosen to live with you.
I will live with your children, too.
12 If they continue faithful,
If they abide by our agreement,
Then their children too,
and their children's children,
will continue to enjoy my company forever."
13 God made a choice;
God wanted to be part of this people, this planet.
14 God said, "This is my home.
This is where I want to be life itself.
15 As long as I live here,
life on earth will be rich and abundant.
16 Those who do not vandalize my artistry,
all living things remain true to my vision,
I will be with, as close as their clothing.
17 I will not look to outsiders to solve the earth's problems;
The tree of life has its roots right here.
18 Those who conspire against life, I will ultimately destroy;
But those who choose life will shine like the sun."
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

Revelation 1:4b-8 – I really don’t know what to do with a passage like this. It is wild and mystical, and might begin to offer its gift to me if I read it repeatedly during an hour or two of meditation. Otherwise, I would leave it alone. I certainly wouldn’t read it to a congregation in church.

The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – John 18:33-37 plus my addition of 38 a.
Ralph says –
Most good pew sitters have no idea who Pilate is. Nor do they have in their heads the incidents that lead up to this scene. I’ve written the Readers Theatre with that in mind.
I’ve added the first half of verse 38, which adds the question that reverberates through our world. “What is truth?” I can’t imagine why that was left out of this reading, unless the lectionary makers were thinking, “That opens another can of worms.” Which is true. But it’s a can of worms we dare not run away from.
That can of worms is the heart of this confrontation between Jesus, the penniless, wandering, story-telling, imaginative Jew, and Pilate, the hard-nosed, logical, practical, no-nonsense Roman functionary.
If you ask, who is right, Pilate or Jesus, I’d have to say, both of them.
If you ask, who is wrong, my answer would be the same. Both of them.
This utterly amazing creation that God has fashioned, the human, can think on both the logical and the poetic plane. And the truly healthy human can do both as the need arises – often at the same time.
This last summer, a scientific neurologist used the finest technology available to discover what was happening inside my brain. That same scientist is also a caring, loving human who knew why it was so important to do that, and understood what it meant in my life.

Jim says –
We just had royalty visiting Canada – Prince Charles, heir to the British throne, with his wife Camilla. Pontius Pilate would have freaked out. Herod would have been appalled. There were no burly bodyguards, no mounted storm troopers, not a handgun in sight.
Kings are supposed to live in impregnable fortresses. To send out heavily armed platoons to impose their will on an unwilling populace. Not to glad-hand adoring fans like a politician at a barbecue.
This is “Reign of Christ” Sunday – “Christ the King” Sunday in more traditional terms. But the people who wrote the Bible wouldn’t recognize today’s kings. What good is a king, Pilate would have asked, who owns no land, who can’t raise an army to defend himself, who doesn’t extort taxes, who refuses to force people to do things his way...
“My kingdom is not of this world,” Jesus replied.
Tragically, 20 centuries later, we still tend to think of Jesus’ reign in biblical terms. “When Christ returns,” insisted a man in one of my Bible study groups, “he will use his power to destroy evil.”
But that wasn’t what Jesus said: “I came into the world to testify to the truth...”
It’s a hard lesson for us to learn. We’re not called to sit beside the throne, dispensing orders and issuing commands from on high. We’re called to tell the truth, and to be the truth.
A kin-dom where truth reigns paramount still escapes our comprehension.

For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 229 where you’ll find a story based on the Revelation passage. It’s called, “John’s Wonderful Dream.” It’s really based more on the whole book of Revelation than this particular passage.
There’s still time to get this three-volume set for your favourite clergy person (including yourself if that applies) or your favourite Christian Education leader.
Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.

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Rumors – The story of Pontius Pilate…
As told by his wife, Claudia.
"...they might have seen themselves as brothers."

I wonder sometimes, if they might have been friends. If they had met in some other circumstances, I think my husband and Jesus might have liked each other.
They were about the same age. Both of them passionate, committed, opinionated. Bullheaded sometimes. And intelligent too, I think. Except they thought so differently.
Jesus was a Jew. Pilate was a Roman. And Pilate never understood the Jews, and that drove him almost to distraction. "You can't get a clear answer out of them about anything," he would fume. "Ask them a straight, logical question and they tell you a story, for gawd sake!"
Pilate wanted so badly to make a success of governing the Judeans. He knew perfectly well he would never have gotten the appointment as Governor if he hadn't been married to me, granddaughter of the Emperor Augustus. And even so, Judea wasn't exactly a plum of an appointment, insofar as these diplomatic posts go. But Pilate hoped that if he did this well, his next appointment would be to something he and I would both be proud of. Something a little closer to Rome, we hoped.
But things got off to a bad start as soon as we arrived in Judea. Pilate had a showdown with the Jewish leaders over whether Caesar's image could be displayed in the temple area. It was a dumb thing to fight about and Pilate knew it. "But I've got to show them I am strong and resolute, Claudia, "he said to me. "If I show just a hint of weakness, if I back down even an inch, that snake of a high priest, Caiaphas, will take every slight advantage that I give him."
The showdown came when 7,000 Jewish men kneeled down in the market place, bared their necks, and dared Pilate to massacre them. Pilot folded. I don't think he ever really recovered.
Judea was a 'no-win' situation for him. The bureaucrats in Rome just read the bottom line. Did he collect his quota in taxes? Did he avoid any embarrassments? If the answer was "yes" to those questions, you stayed on and maybe eventually got promoted to a better posting. If "no" you were recalled to Rome and sent to shuffle papers in an office somewhere. But Judea was so much more complicated than that.
Pilate tried. My gawd he tried. He read that blessed policy manual every night and memorized every procedure. But of course the manual procedures never fit reality. "Who wrote this stuff anyway," he fumed. "I bet they've never been outside of Rome. They sure as hell have never been out here in Judea." And then he would throw the scroll in the corner and read the philosophy he loved so well–philosophy that seemed so clean and rational to him, and so unlike reality around him in Judea.
And then the Jesus business broke. It was a recipe for disaster. Pilate couldn't win this one and I knew it. I even had dreams about it. "Get this man Jesus out of your life, Pilate," I said. "no matter what you do, you'll lose,"
"I'll do what's appropriate and necessary, Claudia," Pilate said in his official voice, which meant that he was frightened. "I will interview the prisoner and judge him according to our Roman justice. He will be treated fairly."
"I know that Pilate, but that's not the game here."
"I'll decide what the game is, Claudia!" he said. And there the conversation ended.
They brought the prisoner up to the Prætorium. Pilate met them outside, a gesture of good will, so the Judean leaders wouldn't need to contaminate themselves, or whatever terrible thing is supposed to happen when they set foot inside a Roman building. He interviewed Jesus there in front of them.
"Look," he finally said. "the guy is just a little crazy, and yes, a bit of a trouble-maker. But he hasn't done anything to deserve execution. I mean, I can't have him killed just because you people don't like him. What I'll do is have him flogged. That'll straighten him out."
Well, you should have heard the hullabaloo. "We want him dead!" they yelled. "We want him crucified!"
Listen. Pilate has integrity. He's shown that before and he showed it now. He wasn't about to execute a man unless a crime had been committed, and blasphemy against the Hebrew God was no crime in Roman eyes. But Pilate was no fool either. He knew that Caiaphas had his ways of getting messages to Rome.
What followed was a mish-mash of political maneuvering and charges and counter charges. I don't quite know what happened. I was in bed for most of it, fighting off a migraine.
But I'll not soon forget what happened when Pilate dragged this Jesus up into our quarters so he could talk with him, away from all the yelling and screaming outside. That was when it struck me how alike they were, and yet how different. Two men of talent and integrity speaking to each across such vastly different realities.
In spite of all the pressure, Pilate still wanted to do the right thing. "Look," he said to Jesus. "Give me a reason, give me something that'll satisfy that mob–something I can put in my report to Rome so I don't have to have you killed." Jesus looked right back at Pilate–looked at–through him. But he said nothing.
Pilate lost his cool. "Look, I have the power of life and death over you. I can send you out to be torn apart by that mob, or I can save your hide."
"You have no real power over me," said Jesus. "No power that really counts. You and I are caught in this evil drama. You have your role to play and I have mine.
"All right," said Pilate. "What is your role except to satisfy the blood-lust of that mob?"
"I am called to live the truth," said Jesus.
"What is truth?" Pilate asked quietly, almost cynically. Jesus looked at him intently. And yes, compassionately. But he said nothing.
"Look, I asked you a question. What is truth?" Pilate lost his cool again. He paced around the room and banged his fist against the wall. But both men knew, I think, that Jesus could not reply in any way that Pilate could comprehend. Nor would Jesus have understood had Pilate defined truth for him.
The conversation stopped. There was nothing else to say. Jesus would die. And Pilate knew he'd spend the rest of his life rehearsing that conversation. "Why couldn't he just explain to me, logically and rationally what he was up to?" Pilate asked that question over and over. "Those Jews. You ask them a question, and they sing you a song or tell you a story."
I too have rehearsed that conversation. I am back in Rome now, by myself. Pilate has been banished from the capitol, not because of what he did to Jesus but another diplomatic fiasco in Judea. Pilate did not understand the Jews.
And yet I wonder. If Pilate and this Jesus had met some other way, perhaps they would have learned to like each other – if they had a chance to really talk, without the pressure. Pilate, the logical philosopher might have discovered the poetic dreamer deep inside himself. And Jesus the poetic dreamer, might have shown to Pilate the philosophy on which his dream was built.
There would have been respect at least. And just perhaps they might have seen themselves as brothers.

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
While Women Weep
I watched another coffin coming back from Afghanistan. Cameras showed grim-faced soldiers carrying the coffin in a slow march. The soldier’s widow, dressed in black, walked behind, weeping.
Eight years ago, for Remembrance Day 2001, I wrote a column that bears repeating. Here it is:

Remembrance Day began to honor those who died in World War I – which officially ended, as speakers love to remind us, on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month. Remembrance Day has since been expanded to include the dead of World War II, the Korean War, the Vietnam War, two Gulf Wars...
And here we are in the middle of another war, launched on another eleventh – the eleventh of September, exactly two months before Remembrance Day – when two airliners smashed into the twin towers of the World Trade Center in New York.
Television showed us pictures, endlessly, of what happens when a plane crashes into a building. The mushroom of fire. The smoke. The collapse. The dust. People screaming, running...
And pictures of women weeping.
I can't help noticing that the 19 suicidal fanatics who hijacked and crashed those planes were all men. That all of the people who stood at microphones to make official statements were men.
While the women wept.
I don't know what proportion of the pilots who have dropped bombs and fired missiles at targets in Afghanistan were men. Or what proportion of the special combat troops now fighting on the ground in Afghanistan are men.
But I can see that those who issued the commands were all men. Some stand in front of the cameras wearing dark suits, white shirts, shiny neckties. Others wear uniforms, either combat camouflage or full-dress with rows of ribbons prominently displayed.
For sure the leaders of the Taliban, and of the Al-Qaida network, are all men, because in their minds women do not exist. Women have no rights – to education, to freedom, and certainly not to express their opinions or vote. In their scheme of things, women matter only as the property of men.
But in the squalid refugee camps, without food or water or sanitation, the women huddle under makeshift tents and try to comfort children with runny noses and bleary eyes. And women scavenge for twigs to burn, and scraps to eat.
And the women weep.
I can't help remembering that it was men who conspired to arrest Jesus. Men tried him, beat him, and drove nails through his wrists. Men guarded him as he died.
While the women stood watching, and weeping. Those same women went to the tomb that Easter morning to provide one last act of love for their vanished friend. And they stood at the tomb and wept.
Men are afraid of weeping. We stifle our tears. We toughen ourselves. We refuse to let soft-heartedness get in the way of getting things done.
Things like going to war.
Perhaps our world might be a little less ruthless if we got fewer things done. And if we did a little more weeping over fractured relationships

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Randy (he didn’t give his last name) of Hiawatha, Kansas writes: “The children here are learning a new song for Advent.
One young mother called the church to verify the words her daughter was reciting. ‘Get ready. Get ready. Xavier is coming’.”

Lois Carey of North Bay, Ontario writes: “The local paper yesterday was advertising church teas. One item stated, about a local United Church, that the Untied Church Women would be having a bazaar and tea.

This from Velia Watts of Edmonton, Alberta who got it from Michael Kerr. It was a newspaper headline.
“Stiff Opposition Expected in Casket-less Funeral Plan”

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
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Wish I’d Said That! – Honk if you love Jesus. “Text” while driving if you’d like to meet him soon.
from a bumper sticker via M & B Zettler

Personally, I think humans are not intelligent enough to define intelligence.
Laurel Hyatt via Jim Taylor

It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.
Voltaire

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We Get Letters – I know I should try harder to get it all right, but it’s such a bore and I would rather spend my time doing almost anything rather than checking all my facts. But it seems that last week I had “Capitol Hill” referring to Ottawa rather than Washington. I am trying really hard to feel repentant.
In another place, I used the word “tract” when I obviously meant “track.” My fingers are only partially connected to my brain and they have a way of typing things I don’t really intend.

Bob Buchanan writes: “Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person.
"However, if you're over 65," he said, "the price will be only $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only fifty cents?"

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “save the whales!”)
These Biblical bumper stickers from Evelyn McLachlan.
* Jonah: Save the Whales
* The Israelites: Honk If You Love Moses
* Elijah: My Other Chariot Rolls
* Goliath: Support the Ban on Slingshots
* Lot: If You Can’t See Sodom, You’re Too Close
* Methuselah: Be Kind to Senior Citizens

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Bottom of the Barrel – David Evans of The Glades, New Brunswick sends along a story that has one of those endings you can change and apply to your own situation. David’s version applies to the National Hockey League. If you’re Canadian, you could apply it to the Grey Cup that will be played before a batch of frozen fans well protected by their favorite anti-freeze in Calgary.

A man is met at the pearly gates by St Peter and told he has a choice to make. He is one of the rare individuals who can choose, after death, whether he will go to heaven or hell.
He is told to go check the other place out. Over against the wall is an elevator with only two buttons. Push the down button and upon arrival the door would automatically open and he could observe the life style in hell.
He was cautioned however not to exit the elevator for if he did he would be unable to return.
The man entered the elevator, pushed the down button and shortly the doors opened. He looked around in amazement at what greeted his eyes and, strictly following instructions stayed in the elevator. Shortly he pushed the up button and returned to speak to St. Peter.
“Well what did you think?”
“It’s not what I expected,” the man answered.
“What did you expect?”
Well I sort of expected fire and brimstone, wailing and gnashing of teeth, a lake of fire, stuff like that.”
“Of course.” said St. Peter, “What did you see?”
“I saw snow. I saw ice. I saw a blizzard like I have never seen before, and I’m from the east coast, I know blizzards!”
“Oh darn!” said Peter. “The Leafs are going to win the Stanley Cup!!”

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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 18:33-37 +38a
Reader 1: In our reading this week, we have a kind of dialogue between Jesus and somebody named Pilate. But who is this Pilate? I’ve never heard of him before. How does he fit into the story?
Reader 2: Today’s reading would fit more easily just before Easter. The lectionary puts it here because today is “Christ the King” Sunday.
1: (SARCASTIALLY) Oh, Jesus is the King, the way they talk about Elvis Presley or Michael Jackson being “the king.”
2: I know you’re joking, but it’s really not that far off. Presley and Jackson fans mean that these musicians were absolutely the best musicians ever. It has nothing to do with crowns and thrones and being boss of the whole country. It means they are devoted fans. When we talk about Christ as the King, it’s a little like that. It means we are Christ’s devoted followers and we are ready to do what he calls us to do, because we love him. Not because he can chop off our heads.
1: OK, but I asked you who this Pilate character is. Does he fly an airplane?
2: Oh, cumon! It’s Pi-LATE, not Pi-LOT.
1: But who was he?
2: It happens just before Jesus is crucified. Jesus has managed to get himself in trouble with the authorities in the Hebrew Temple, and he has been saying things about the Romans rulers – the military people who had conquered the country and were ruling it. Some of his teachings amounted to the crime of sedition – of trying to undermine Roman authority.
1: Such as?
2: Saying that he was chosen by God to bring the people freedom and fulfillment.
Anyway, the temple authorities arrested Jesus in the middle of the night and dragged him to Pilate’s place. Pilate was the governor appointed by Caesar in Rome. The Temple leaders didn’t have the authority to sentence someone to death, but Pilate did.
1: Finally, we find out who he is. It took you long enough.
2: But we haven’t quite got to the setting for our reading. The temple authorities drag Jesus in front of Pilate and accuse him of sedition. They want Pilate to have him killed. But Pilate isn’t quite satisfied by what the Temple authorities say, so he takes Jesus inside so he can have a one-on-one conversation with him.
1: Was there someone keeping a record of what was said? I mean, how did the writer of John know what went on behind closed doors.
2: He didn’t know. This whole story is written years later, and this is the dialogue the writer of John imagines went on in Pilate’s office.
1: So then. Let’s read the scripture. From the gospel of John, chapter 18.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
Then Pilate entered his headquarters, summoned Jesus, and asked him, "Are you the King of the Jews?"2: "Do you ask this on your own, or did others tell you about me?"1: (SLGHTLY ANNOYED) "I am not a Jew, am I? Your own nation and the chief priests have handed you over to me. What have you done?"2: "My kingdom is not from this world. If my kingdom were from this world, my followers would be fighting to keep me from being handed over to the Jews. But as it is, my kingdom is not from here."1:"So you are a king?"
2: "YOU say that I am a king. For this I was born, and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth. Everyone who belongs to the truth listens to my voice."
1: (SLOWLY AND WITH DEEP PASSION) "What is truth?
(STAY IN YOUR PLACE FOR A FEW MOMENTS TO LET THAT QUESTION SINK IN, THEN RETURN TO YOUR SEATS.

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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Preaching Materials for November 15, 2009

R U M O R S # 575
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-11-08

November 11, 2009

THE CALL OF SAMUEL
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.

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The Story – a fractured story
Rumors – scriptural illiteracy
Soft Edges –
Good Stuff – the difference between heaven and hell
Bloopers – when God is scared
We Get Letters – an apology
Mirabile Dictu! – round is a shape
Bottom of the Barrel – the spirit is willing
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – selected portions from 1 Samuel
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – The garment buyer of a large department store was in Korea on a buying mission.
All interested sellers and manufacturers had gathered and gave a banquet at which the buyer was the honored guest. He was asked to give a speech which, of course, had to be translated.
In the course of the speech he told a long complicated funny story with some complex puns. After which he alone laughed and then he waited for the translation.
The translator spoke two sentences and the audience erupted in gales of laughter with clapping, foot stomping, and even cheering.
The buyer was gratified but puzzled. Finally, after a bit of arm twisting, someone told him what the translator had said. “Fat man with big chequebook told funny story. Do what you think appropriate.”

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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, November 15th which is Proper 28 (33).
* 1 Samuel 1:4-20 or Daniel 12:1-3
* 1 Samuel 2:1-10 or Psalm 16
* Hebrews 10:11-14, (15-18), 19-25
* Mark 13:1-8

The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – 1 Samuel 1:4-20. Plus 1 Samuel 3:1-18.
Ralph says –
Talk about disconnected lections! Our Hebrew scripture reading gives us the opening scene of the story of Hannah and Samuel. The tender little scene of Hannah bringing a robe to her child (1 Samuel 2:18-20) happens on Christmas, Year C. We hear the story of God calling the boy Samuel in the middle of the night (1 Samuel 3:1-10) on Proper 4, and it is scheduled for Epiphany 2 in year B, which is three years from now!
It takes a lot of gall and a fair bit of arrogance, but we offer a fix.
While doing a little channel surfing recently, I saw a sequence of four middle-aged faces, all of them saying they did not “feel fulfilled.”
Until fairly recently in human history – and it’s still true in many places – a woman had only one significant role, and that was to provide children. Especially boy children. Along the way she usually had to work a grinding 18 hour day, but that was just a fringe benefit. They had no idea that sterility was usually a male problem. Think of Henry VIII.
It’s almost heart-breaking to hear Hannah praying desperately to God for a son. Her husband, Elkanah, was a loving, understanding kind of guy, but Hannah had no standing in the community and the other wives teased her mercilessly. Her calling in life was to produce a boy baby.
Hannah did produce the boy Samuel, and if we read the next part of the legend, we hear the evocative story of a child being called by God.
The mythologist Joseph Campbell urged, “Follow your bliss.” That, he said, was a continuing theme in all world’s mythology. And it’s a recurring theme in the Bible.
How do we hear God’s call? How do we follow? How do we find a sense of fulfillment?

Jim says –
Amazing – the two streams of the lectionary manage to give us two connected readings about the boy Samuel, his mother Hannah, and his mentor Eli. And yet it still manages to leave out half of the story!
That wouldn’t be so bad if the lectionary at least picked up young Samuel’s encounter with God in the middle of the night for the following Sunday. But it doesn’t!
Arrrrggggghhhhhh!
Okay, I obviously want to tell this story. And equally obviously, I’m going to ignore the lectionary’s prescriptions.
So I would tell the story of Hannah. I would read Hannah’s song, and point out that Mary’s Magnificat, in Luke, borrows heavily from Hannah.
But then I would move the story to Hannah’s son, Samuel. I would talk about the pain she must have felt, giving up her firstborn, her only child, to the Temple. This was the first-fruits tradition, established from Mosaic times – the first, the best, was given to God; then you could keep some for yourself.
But the core of the story is Samuel hearing his name in the middle of the night. A group of us older guys got together a couple of weeks ago. Almost all of us had heard our names called, when we were children. But we were told we were imagining things. We were told to go back to play.
I would bet that a sizeable portion of every congregation has heard their name called. And been told it was a delusion. So I would explore the ways in which we adults destroy children’s spirituality by insisting that we know better than they do. I would wonder what might have happened if some of our elders had been as sensitive to God’s possibilities as old Eli was.

1 Samuel 2:1-10 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 I’m the queen of the castle, and you’re the dirty rascals!
2 At last things have gone right for me.And I owe it all to God.
3 You, bigmouth, button your lip! You make lots of noise, but so does a drum – because it’s empty inside.God sees your hollow core.
4 How much sound can you makewhen the rains come downand your taut skins sag like an old woman’s breasts?Even an old woman will be more vital than you!
5 Lots of things have happened while you were on coffee break:the blind see; the lame leap; the prisoners of their own bodies are set free!The fertile become sterile; but the barren bear new life!
6 Heaven and hell are overturned; even this is within God’s power.
7,8 The lost are remembered;the abandoned are brought back;they receive a respected place in society.
9 God’s faithful ones will warm their hands at God’s hearth,while the wicked wail in the darkness outside the door.They trusted in their own strength, instead of trusting God.
10 Once I was down, but now I am up.Once I groveled, but now I exult.For God sees through sham and deception;
God recognizes true value.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

Hebrews 10:11-14, (15-18), 19-25 – “I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds (v 16).” That seems to be the core of this passage. And that seems to happen when we allow ourselves to soak – to marinate – in the stories, the songs, the ideas, the poems that are our Christian heritage, so that everything we do reflects the love of Christ.
Of course, none of us does that perfectly. Some of us are so encrusted with market-place values that, at best, just a little of that Spirit gets in through the cracks. Then some serious cracking and peeling – some conscious recognition and conscious practice – is necessary to allow the gospel to soak into our psyche.

Mark 13:1-8 – Jesus describes some cataclysmic events in this reading. And it is quite possible that Mark is looking back to the destruction of Jerusalem and the temple in 70 CE and telling us this is what Jesus foretold. It was cataclysmic and life-shattering for the Jews who were expelled by the Romans and found themselves scattered all over the known world.
Many life events are like that. There are signs the marriage or the job is in trouble. Without an intervention, a break-up is certain. The pain will be great, but if there is to be a new beginning, the pain is necessary.

The “Lectionary Story Bible” breaks up the story of Hannah, Samuel and Eli the way the lectionary does. The first installment, “Hannah Prays for a Baby,” is found in Year B page 226. The second part of the story is called, “God Calls Samuel,” and is on page 131, Year B.
A story based on the gospel reading, “People Are More Important,” is found on page 228.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible.” If you don’t have the full set, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.

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Rumors – If you subscribe to “Christian Century,” check out an article by Kristin Swenson who teaches religious studies at Virginia Commonwealth University. It’s called “Biblically Challenged,” and subtitled, “overcoming scriptural illiteracy.”
If you don’t subscribe, you may have a friend who does. My friend is Doug Hodgkinson, to whom thanks for sending this on to me.
Swenson begins with a sad litany of references to surveys of many kinds in various parts of the world showing how most people still have a KJV Bible on a shelf somewhere, but very, very few have the faintest idea what is in it.
Unfortunately, that includes church people, including the ones who sit regularly in our pews. Every parish minister can name some exceptions, but they are exactly that. Exceptions.
After a survey of many attempts to confront the problem in our churches, Swenson says that finally the various leaders tell us to “just tell the stories. Over time, people will learn such basics as who Sarah was and the difference between Gospels and epistles—not necessarily as discrete and disconnected facts but in the holistic context of engagement with the richly layered texts. "Told well and faithfully, the stories have such power," Adams-Riley says. "Trust the stories, trust the God who is in the stories." Share the texts and your own engagement with them, openly acknowledging how they resist tidy, once-and-for-all treatments.”
I have to admit it feels good to have our instincts affirmed by a credentialed writer in a respected periodical. This won’t result in any significant changes in Rumors. Because the article tells me we’re on the right tract.
However, as I write the “Reader’s Theatre,” the introduction to the scripture that the readers give will more clearly focus on the needs of the vast majority of pew warmers who know very little about the Bible. That focus has not been as clear as it could have been.
Last August, Bev and I had the opportunity to lead worship in our own congregation for several Sundays. In addition to the “Reader’s Theatre,” Bev read a children’s version of the lection from “The Lectionary Story Bible.” Ostensibly for the children, but in every single case we had people come and tell us how much they appreciated “getting a leg up,” as one of them phrased it, to an understanding of the lection when it was read the second time.
We also led worship on the 25th of last month, and the response to the re-telling of the Job story was almost embarrassingly positive.
I am convinced that most church-goers would like to know more about the Bible. They are embarrassed by how little they now know. That embarrassment will keep them away from Bible study groups. That doesn’t make sense, but it’s true. But if we can develop an interesting, open way to help them learn in the course of our preaching, many of them will be leaning forward in their pews to soak it up.
It’s not the whole solution. Not by a long shot. But it is a step in the right direction.

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Straitjacket for God
At the end of a presentation on world hunger, the program leader invited comments from the audience.
The first person to respond said, “It’s like Jesus said, if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he can feed himself for a lifetime.”
The discussion leader agreed that this was one of Jesus’ most important parables.
But it didn’t come from Jesus at all. It came from Confucius, around 500 B.C.
Perhaps it’s natural that people tend to attribute quotations to the Bible, since it is the largest single source of our common quotations, followed by Shakespeare. Still, I was dismayed that the facilitator, who should have known better, agreed that it came from the Bible. I wish people could be more accurate.
But I find it interesting that the saying becomes more believable if it comes from the Bible than if it comes from ancient China.
About 15 years ago, I coined my own saying: “Liberals believe what the Bible says if it’s supported by science or life; conservatives believe science and life only if it’s supported by the Bible.”
At the time, I thought it was a joke. I no longer think so.
I look around – especially at the U.S. – and I see conservatives accepting quantum physics, nanotechnology, gene splicing, and gas-guzzling SUVs, because none of them contradict the Bible. But they reject evolution, because it disagrees with the biblical story of Creation.
For the same reason, they whole-heartedly welcome psychiatry, capitalism, calculus, and Viagra. But they reject abortion and homosexuality, because of a few biblical verses.
Please note – the point is not whether abortion and alternate sexual orientations are right or wrong. The point is the basis on which people reach that conclusion. Abortion may well be the murder of an unborn child. But would conservatives still oppose abortion if the Bible endorsed it? I doubt it.
I’m reminded that when a few radical voices began advocating the abolition of slavery in the late 1700s, the most strident opposition came from those who insisted that abolishing slavery was contrary to God’s will.
And how did they know God’s will? The Bible told them so.
A minister friend’s daughter rejected his faith years ago. Recently, she went to a worship service with him. As they came out, she admitted that she had enjoyed the singing, appreciated the sermon... “The only problem,” she said, “was that everything was about the Bible. Don’t you people ever read anything else?”
I have sometimes suggested that in the new challenges facing our world – from climate change to nuclear weapons to toxic chemicals that never existed before – God may have to communicate with us in unprecedented ways. Probably not through the church. More likely through people who don’t wear a Christian badge on their sleeves, like Al Gore, David Suzuki, or Percy Schmeiser.
And I’ve been assured that God cannot act in ways that are not already defined by the Bible.
Amazing – a book has become a straitjacket limiting the Almighty.

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Good Stuff – This from Sally Gill. It’s been around before, but quite some time back. And it’s a good enough parable to bear repeating.

A pilgrim from earth was having a conversation with God one day. The pilgrim said, “God, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.
God led the pilgrim to two doors. The pilgrim looked in the first door. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the pilgrim’s mouth water.
But the people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The pilgrim shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.
“That is Hell,” said God.
They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the pilgrim’s mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but they were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.
“I don't understand,” said the pilgrim.
“It’s simple,” said God. “In this room, they have learned to feed each other.”

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Jean McCord says her church “has a great food and clothing bank called My Sister’s Pantry. However, a recent report said we were involved in ‘my sister’s panty’ (no caps, even). Luckily someone caught it at the first draft.”

Russell Pastuch of Ottawa, Ontario noticed an interesting litany in the worship service:
One: God's Sacred Presence is in the midst of this gathered community.
All: And God's Scared Presence is outside in the bustle of neighbourhoods and the beauty of creation.
Well Russell, if God is a bit scared in the bustle of our neighbourhoods, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised. Especially in the Ottawa neighbourhood known as “Capitol Hill.”

From the file:
* The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
* The “Over 60s Choir” will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
* The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)

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Wish I’d Said That! –When you tug at a single thing in nature, you find it attached to the rest of the world.
John Muir via Cliff Boldt

An artist is consumed, not by the past or present work, but by the empty space ahead.
Lily Tomlin via Stephani Keer

Tourists travels thousand miles to get a picture of themselves standing beside their car.
source unknown via Evelyn McLachlan

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We Get Letters – Lenore Reeves and Mary Lautensleger wrote to report a number of errors in last week’s Rumors around All Saints’ Day and the Proper numbering.
My apologies to all of you who were confused or inconvenienced by my errors. I wish I could promise to mend my ways and not make anymore dumb mistakes. But that isn’t likely to happen. In fact, it will probably get worse.
Wrong! No “probably” about it. It will get worse.
If you are involved in worship leadership, I would strongly recommend that you have at least one other source against which you can check my stuff.

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Round is a shape!”)
Alexis Anderson gives us this advice from the family doctor we wish we all had.
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your hearts only good for so many beats, and that’s it. Don't waste it on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. It’s like saying you extend the life of a car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: Understand the concept of logistical efficiency. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of the recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer is also made of grain which has lots of good fiber. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: I can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You are not paying attention! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they are permeated by it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy?!? Hell-ooo!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain the whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
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Bottom of the Barrel – This groaner is from Art Hebbeler of Laurel, Maryland. He doesn’t know the source, which is just as well.
A new preacher wanted to rent a house in the country but the only one available was rumored to be haunted. That didn’t bother the preacher since he didn’t believe in such things. He went ahead and rented the place.
Soon the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the ghost, but they didn’t believe him. They told him the only way they would believe was if he took a picture of the ghost.
The preacher went home and called for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed.
When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn’t visible. Feeling disappointed, the preacher called again for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn’t in it.
The ghost thought a minute and replied, “Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.”

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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – 1 Samuel 1:4-20, 1 Samuel 2:18-20, 1 Samuel 3:1-18. Selected verses.
(Important note: It’s important for the congregation to understand when you are reading from the scripture, and when you are having a conversation between the two of you. A significant pause, and a change of posture should do it.)

Reader 1: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Reader 2: What are you talking about? I am grown up.
1: No you’re not. You’re just an overgrown kid in grown-up clothes. Some people don’t grow up until they’re into their 80s. Some never manage it.
2: I am legally an adult. I have a driver’s license, I am of legal drinking age. I can vote. And I have arthritis in my knees. And gray hair. And a pot belly. (NOTE: CHANGE THESE TO SUIT YOURSELF)
1: I didn’t ask if you were an adult. I was talking about when you grow up. When you become what you always dreamed of becoming. When you become the person you sometimes dream of becoming when you are lying in bed and you are just falling asleep.
2: (SQUIRMS A LITTLE BUT DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING.)
1: Well?
2: I always thought of myself as someone who really cared about other people.
1: That’s your call!
2: What is?
1: That little voice inside your head that keeps telling you that God’s dream for you is to care for other people.
2: That’s in our scripture for today.
1: I wondered when we were going to get around to that.
2: It’s a story that comes from the Hebrew scriptures about a woman named Hannah, and how she dreamed of having a child – it’s about the child she had and God’s call to him in the middle of the night. He became the prophet Samuel, one of the greatest prophets in the Hebrew Scripture.
1: Then let’s read it.
2: We need to tell the story that leads up to the scripture reading. It’s about Hannah who wants so badly to have a baby. She has a very gentle and kind husband named Elkanah who tells her, “It’s OK, Hannah. I love you even if you don’t have any babies.”
So Hannah goes to the temple to pray for a baby. And here we pick up the story in the scripture. From the book of First Samuel.
SLIGHT PAUSE
1: Hannah was deeply distressed and prayed to God and wept bitterly. She made this vow.
2: O LORD of hosts, if only you will look on my misery but will give me a male child, then I will dedicate him to you until the day of his death. He shall drink neither wine nor intoxicants, and no razor shall touch his head."1: Now Eli, the priest was sitting nearby. As she continued praying Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying silently; only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk. He said to her, "How long will you make a drunken spectacle of yourself? Put away your wine."2: No, my lord, I am a woman deeply troubled; I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but I have been pouring out my soul before God. Please don’t see me as a worthless woman, for I have been speaking out of my great anxiety and vexation all this time."1: "Go in peace; the God of Israel grant the petition you have made.SLIGHT PAUSE
2: That’s the first part of the story in the First book of Samuel. Hannah goes back to her home, and sure enough, she gets pregnant and gives birth to Samuel.
Store that name in your head, because Samuel becomes a very prominent figure in the Bible story.
1: Hannah has her baby Samuel. And I find this hard to believe – the story says that as soon as little Sam was weaned, she took him to the temple as she had promised, and left him there with old Eli to look after him.
2: Yeah, I find that hard too. Would old Eli know how to change a poopy diaper?
1: Hannah gets to see her boy once a year, when they make their annual pilgrimage to the temple. And the Bible adds a tender little note that she would make a little robe for her child each year and bring it to him.
2: But now we get to the main part of the story. Samuel has grown – he’s probably a young teenager, and he’s pretty well learned how to behave in the temple. Eli is getting old and crotchety, and his eyesight is beginning to go. We pick up the story in the Bible, this time from the third chapter of the book of Samuel.
SLIGHT PAUSE.
1: At that time Eli, whose eyesight had begun to grow dim so that he could not see, was lying down in his room where the ark of God was. And God called to the boy.
2:"Samuel! Samuel!"
1: "Here I am!"
2: Samuel ran to Eli.
1: "Here I am, for you called me."
2: "I did not call; lie down again." So Samuel went and laid down. But God called again. "Samuel!" Samuel got up and went to Eli.
1: "Here I am, for you called me."
2: "I did not call, my son; lie down again." Now, young Samuel did not yet know God, and the word of God had not yet been revealed to him. God called Samuel again, a third time. And again, Samuel got up and went to Eli.
1: "Here I am, for you called me."
2: Then Eli knew that it was God calling the boy. And so Eli said to Samuel, "Go, lie down; and if God calls you, you shall say, 'Speak, for your servant is listening.'" So Samuel went and lay down in his place.
Now God came and stood there, calling as before, "Samuel! Samuel!"
1: "Speak God, for your servant is listening."
2: "See, I am about to do something in Israel that will make both ears of anyone who hears of it tingle. On that day I will fulfill against Eli all that I have spoken concerning his house, from beginning to end. For I have told him that I am about to punish his house forever, for the iniquity that he knew, because his sons were blaspheming God, and he did not restrain them.
1: As Samuel grew up, God was with him and let none of God’s words fall to the ground. And all Israel from Dan to Beer-sheba knew that Samuel was a trustworthy prophet of the LORD.

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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*