tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39603435352212594932024-02-18T22:33:35.439-08:00RumorsSermon Helps for Preachers with a sense of humor.Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.comBlogger131125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-76903561376475778682010-04-01T11:24:00.000-07:002010-04-01T11:25:00.745-07:00Final EditionR U M O R S # 596<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2010-04-04<br /><br />April 4, 2010<br /><br />FOR ALL THAT WILL BE, YES!<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Motto:<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Well, it’s here.<br /> The day I have been looking forward to and dreading. This is the final issue of Rumors.<br /> Last week, my friend Murray White was gently moving his hands over my body in a Healing Touch treatment to help my spasming back (which is all better now, by the way).<br /> After the treatment I overheard him saying to Bev, “I felt a sense of emptiness over his heart – as if there was grief there.”<br /> Indeed it is grief, felt more keenly and beautifully as I read the many, many e-mails from you, and opened the cards and letters made more precious in these electronic days.<br /> It’s not a grief of regret – of feeling that I have made a bad decision and now must live with the consequences. It’s not as intense or as deep, but it’s like the grief I felt when I said goodbye to my sister June in the dim light of a hospital room – both of us knowing this was the last time we would see each other – and both of us knowing it was time to say that final, painful goodbye.<br /> It’s the grief of letting go of something precious – a grief we encounter many times as we age.<br /> On my desk is a worn and tattered Bible – the spine covered in duct tape, the edge of the pages showing the grey evidence that I’d obviously spent much of my time in the gospels and in Genesis. It’s irreplaceable – not only because of the many indecipherable notes in the margins, but because it contains a delightful and holy typo.<br /> Joel 2:28, in all other Bibles says that “old men shall dream dreams.” But in my edition it says, “old men shall dream reams.”<br /> Yes, reams of dreams is what all 8,231 of you have helped me dream over the last ten years. By your affirming notes, your provocative notes, your angry notes, your hilarious notes.<br /> And I will keep on dreaming those reams of dreams, but the circle will be smaller. That’s what happens as we age – the circles around our lives shrink until they embrace only those nearest to our hearts – and finally enclose us in the circle of God’s love.<br /> All of which is good.<br /> All of which is as it should be.<br /> Dylan Thomas wanted his father to “rage, rage at the dying of the light.” But I don’t plan to do that. The wrinkles on my face are the biography of a life that has been full and rich. They will never see a drop of Botox or anything that will deny those years.<br /> My gimpy back and my troublesome heart notwithstanding, I’m in good health for a 75-year-old, and I will dream those reams in whatever life is given to me.<br /> I am the wealthiest of men. And this is not a eulogy but a necessary leave taking. The time is right. It has to be. And this is simply to wish you God’s richest blessings, and to say thank you, and farewell.<br /> “For all that has been, thanks!<br /> For all that will be, yes!”<br /> <br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />This is not the end of Jim’s insightful “Soft Edges” columns. But obviously, it is the last one to appear in Rumors. At the end of his column, you’ll find instructions on how to keep on receiving “Soft Edges,” and also where to find archived editions of Rumors.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor<br />As Time Goes By. . .<br /> Time flies by so fast. Just yesterday, it seems, we had Valentine’s Day, Ash Wednesday, St. Patrick’s Day, then Palm Sunday... During this few weeks, the Hindu, Sikh, Baha’i and Zoroastrian faiths squeezed in their New Years celebrations... And then here come Holy Week and Passover, Good Friday and Easter -- like a runaway train bearing down on a hapless victim strapped to the tracks...<br /> My friend Ralph Milton theorizes that this feeling of living in a fast-forward world is a natural consequence of aging.<br /> When you’re just two years old, he reasons, a year is half of your total life experience. Waiting a year for a new bicycle seems like an eternity. When you’re 70, a year is only one-seventieth of your life.<br /> No wonder time seems to go quicker.<br /> Of course, it only seems quicker. Scientists who maintain the atomic clock in Fort Collins, Colorado, would insist that time is a constant. Time can vary only if the caesium-133 atom alters its rate of vibration -- and as far as they can tell, caesium-133 atoms have vibrated at exactly the same rate since they were created nanoseconds after the Big Bang, 14 billion years ago.<br /> Which begs another question -- how long were seconds before there were caesium atoms to calculate them by?<br /> But even without that kind of precision, it’s obvious that we all have exactly the same 24 hours, 86400 seconds, per day.<br /> The question is not whether we have that time, but what we do with it.<br /> When I was younger, I filled every moment with activity. I hated to waste a second. At the other end of life, in my father’s final months, he could spend most of a day doing nothing and barely recognize that a day had passed. Time became meaningless.<br /> Maybe there are two kinds of time -- objective and subjective. Objective can be measured; subjective can only be felt. Time can seem to stand still in your lover’s arms, or when you’re waiting outside the principal’s office. It can race when you write exams, or you’re late for a job interview.<br /> A friend was riding his bicycle along a city street, blissfully unaware of time at all, when the front wheel jammed in a sewer grate. As he vaulted over the handlebars, he recalls, he had time to marvel at the colours of the lichens growing on the concrete sidewalk -- just before he ran into them with his face.<br /> Many people are skeptical about the claims of mystics, of all faiths, that meditation can slow their heart rate, their respiration, their digestion... Maybe mystics experience time differently.<br /> At Easter, Christians around the world affirm, Jesus Christ “descended to the dead; the third day he rose again...”<br /> Do the dead still experience time? How did he know when the third day was dawning? Or was his time in the tomb a momentary blank, a blink, a blip?<br /> And how did he experience time after his resurrection? When time is no more, what happens to it?<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br /> Yes, you can still receive Jim Taylor’s “Soft Edges.” He writes that column for a wider group than Rumors, and would be happy to put you on the list to receive it each Wednesday.<br /> There are two columns. Both are based on, but not identical to, columns that Jim writes for a couple of local newspapers.<br /> Soft Edges deals fairly gently with issues of life and faith. Sharp Edges, which goes out on Sundays, is more likely to focus on current social and justice issues. As its name implies, it's a little more cutting,<br /> Both columns are free. To subscribe to them, send a note to jimt@quixotic.ca. To unsubscribe, follow the same procedure – send a note to jimt@quixotic.ca. If you wish, you can do it yourself by sending a blank e-mail (no subject, no message) to softedges-subscribe@quixotic.ca or softedges-unsubscribe@quixotic.ca.<br />(For Sharp Edges, substitute "sharpedges" for "softedges".)<br /><br /> Many of you have asked about back issues of Rumors. Not all of them, but about 3½ years worth, are available on the Wood Lake Publications website. Go there and click on “Newsletters.”<br /> Or copy this address into your browser and it’ll take you there directly.<br /><a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/hallway.taf?site_uid1=17864&hallway_uid1=17864">http://www.woodlakebooks.com/hallway.taf?site_uid1=17864&hallway_uid1=17864</a><br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-74587529212253054412010-03-27T15:42:00.000-07:002010-03-27T15:44:10.270-07:00Preaching Matrials for April 4th, 2010R U M O R S #595<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2010-03-28<br /><br />March 28, 2010<br /><br />THE PENULITMATE EDITION<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Motto:<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Just in case you missed the announcement, this is the second-to-last issue of Rumors. It’s the last issue with lectionary commentary. On Easter Sunday morning, I’ll try to gather up some of the thoughts and feelings that are floating through my consciousness.<br /> Two questions have come up in your many wonderful letters.<br /> Firstly:<br /> Yes, you can still receive Jim Taylor’s “Soft Edges.” He writes that column for a wider group than Rumors, and would be happy to put you on the list to receive it each Wednesday.<br /> There are two columns. Both are based on, but not identical to, columns that Jim writes for a couple of local newspapers.<br /> Soft Edges deals fairly gently with issues of life and faith. Sharp Edges, which goes out on Sundays, is more likely to focus on current social and justice issues. As its name implies, it's a little more cutting,<br /> Both columns are free. To subscribe to them, send a note to jimt@quixotic.ca. To unsubscribe, follow the same procedure – send a note to jimt@quixotic.ca. If you wish, you can do it yourself by sending a blank e-mail (no subject, no message) to softedges-subscribe@quixotic.ca or softedges-unsubscribe@quixotic.ca.<br />(For Sharp Edges, substitute "sharpedges" for "softedges".)<br /> Secondly:<br /> Many of you have asked about back issues of Rumors. Not all of them, but about 3½ years worth, are available on the Wood Lake Publications website. Go there and click on “Newsletters.”<br /> Or copy this address into your browser and it’ll take you there directly.<br /><a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/hallway.taf?site_uid1=17864&hallway_uid1=17864">http://www.woodlakebooks.com/hallway.taf?site_uid1=17864&hallway_uid1=17864</a><br /><br />*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />The Story – through our tears<br />Rumors – Mary’s story<br />Soft Edges – Lent, the season for apologies<br />Bloopers – your presents<br />We Get Letters – what can I say besides thanks<br />Mirabile Dictu! – the king lives<br />Bottom of the Barrel – just one good deed<br />Anyone living on Maui??? – a quest for information<br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 20:1-18<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rib Tickler – Note: This limerick is about the wild inconsistencies of English spelling, so needs to be written out, not read out loud.<br /><br /> There was a young girl in the choir<br /> Whose voice rose hoir and hoir.<br /> Till it reached such a height<br /> It was clear out of seight,<br /> And they found it next day in the spoir.<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, April 4th, which is Easter Sunday, the most important day on the Christian calendar.<br />* <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=132#hebrew_reading">Acts 10:34-43</a> (or <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=132#hebrew_oth_reading">Isaiah 65:17-25</a>)<br />* <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=132#psalm_reading">Psalm 118:1-2, 14-24</a><br />* <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=132#epistle_reading">1 Corinthians 15:19-26</a> (or <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=132#epistle_oth_reading">Acts 10:34-43</a>)<br />* <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=132#gospel_reading">John 20:1-18</a> (or <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=132#gospel_oth_reading">Luke 24:1-12</a>)<br /><br />The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – John 20:1-18<br /><br />Ralph says –<br /> This reading from John’s gospel is for me, the most powerful story in the Bible. And I am so glad it is the last story I’ll be commenting on for Rumors, because it encapsulates so much of what I believe – it tells the story of my faith. It’s the Easter reading for all three years in the lectionary cycle, for which I give the lectionary builders full marks.<br /> We don’t know a lot about Mary of Magdala except that she was something of an unusual person – perhaps with a somewhat checkered background. The alternate Luke reading tells us of the dry-eyed men who refused to believe what the women told them – obviously women’s over-active imagination.<br /> But in John’s account, Peter and the mysterious “disciple whom Jesus loved” went to the grave, and saw the empty tomb and “believed,” (whatever that may mean). But Mary stays behind. She has grieving to do, and she knows it. She has tears to shed, and she knows it.<br /> And it is through those tears that she sees the risen Jesus. That is what moves me so deeply and touches my own experience. So often it is through our tears that we experience the risen Christ.<br /> Frederick Buechner says somewhere, “It is not the absence of Jesus from the empty tomb that moves us. It is his presence in our empty hearts.”<br /><br />Jim says –<br /> In a recent Bible study session, we looked at 1 Corinthians 3:3-9, where Paul instructs the Greek church about Christ’s appearances. First, Paul says, Christ appeared to Peter, then to the twelve, then to 500 brothers, then to James, then to all the apostles, and finally to Paul himself.<br /> And yet all four gospels agree that Christ appeared first to the women!<br /> In Matthew, to Mary Magdalene and “the other Mary.” Mark names the “other” Mary as the mother of James, and adds Salome. Luke replaces Salome with Joanna. John writes specifically of Mary Magdalene, and more generically of “the women who had come with him from Galilee.” No matter – without exception, the women were the first witnesses to the risen Christ.<br /> Of all these stories, John's story of Mary Magdalene’s encounter is by far the most moving.<br /> But the women’s testimony seemed to the disciples like “idle talk” (Luke 24:11).<br /> I find myself getting angry. I should be proclaiming the Resurrection which, with its antecedent the Crucifixion, is the foundational narrative of the Christian church. But I want to rail against the patriarchalism that has made that church a male bastion.<br /> Jesus was male, yes. But he chose to make himself evident, after his death, first to the women. By what right do a bunch of faint-hearted men, cowering behind locked doors, override their Lord’s intentions and banish those women to what author Carol Schleuter called “the forgotten followers”?<br /> It’s probably a good thing I’m not preaching on Easter Sunday.<br /><br /><a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=132#psalm_reading">Psalm 118:1-2, 14-24</a> – paraphrased by Jim Taylor<br />1 God, you give to life its goodness;<br />your love bursts the bounds of time.<br />2 You renew our confidence in you.<br />14 With you beside us, we can face anything.<br />15 We have no fears when you stand among us.<br />16 A whisper runs through the opponents' minds:<br />"God has chosen a cause; no one can conquer God."<br />17 But I am not obsessed with winning;<br />Winning or losing, living or dying,<br />I want to be with God;<br />I want to celebrate God's goodness to me.<br />18 God has tested me. God has put me through hell.<br />But God has never abandoned me.<br />19 Now I have the confidence to go anywhere, to try anything.<br />20 Whatever it takes, I know I'm worth it.<br />21 Once, I had no confidence in myself,<br />And I had no confidence in you, God.<br />I quivered with insecurities;<br />I was a raw wound, flinching from everything.<br />22 Now the ugly duckling has become the golden egg.<br />You hold me in your hands, and I shine.<br />23 Only you could do this.<br />24 A new day has dawned for me, a new life has begun.<br />Is it any wonder that I'm happy?<br /> From: Everyday Psalms<br /> Wood Lake Publications.<br /> For details, go to <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a><br /><br /><a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=132#hebrew_reading">Acts 10:34-43</a> – This account is really about Peter justifying the admission of Gentiles into the early community, but for our purposes here, it is a very succinct summary of the Christian story. Peter gives them this 20 second sound bite, and tells the folks that’s all they need to know.<br /> Maybe so, but to me if feels like offering people a bouillon cube when they want a steak.<br /><br /><a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=132#epistle_reading">1 Corinthians 15:19-26</a> – This seems like an eschatological mine field to me. I have trouble with anyone, even Paul, predicting the future or telling us what God is going to do. So I think I’ll leave this one alone and, coward that I am, and tip-toe away hoping nobody will ask me any questions about it.<br /><br />The story of Mary of Magdala and the risen Christ is the Easter Sunday choice for all three years, so you will find it in the Lectionary Story Bible, Year A, on page 98. You can find a story based on the Luke account in Year C, on page 112 and it is called, “Jesus is Alive.”<br /> There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a>, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”<br /> <a href="http://tinyurl.com/2lonod">http://tinyurl.com/2lonod</a><br /> Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rumors – I have shared this story before on Rumors, but it seems right, in this pen-ultimate issue, to share it again. Of the many biblical stories I have written, this one is among those that are closest to my heart.<br /><br /> Mary stumbled and fell in the dark. Her hand and elbow scraped against the ugly rocks and though she couldn't see it, she knew she was bleeding. No matter. She had bled before.<br /> On she stumbled through the clutching darkness, along a half remembered path. She felt her way up to the garden tomb. Gradually, the cold gray light of early dawn outlined the naked rock that should have sealed the tomb, the place where they had buried her best friend.<br /> The reality, the horror hit her instantly. Even in his death they could not give him peace. This kind and gentle friend had died the cruel death of criminals, and now to add to all the insult, someone had stolen Jesus' body.<br /> Screaming, she crashed back down the path back to the house where she’d been mourning Jesus death since that horror filled Friday. Screaming, she yelled for Peter. For the others. "They've taken him away. Damn them anyway. They couldn't let him rest. Peter, come, they've stolen Jesus' body. Oh my God! How can people be so brutal?"<br /> Now again, with Peter, she scrabbled up the path toward the tomb. Her rage carried her now. Her unfocused anger at this outrage carried her through the bitter morning darkness up the broken path, rocks and bushes scratched and tore her skin until she stood, chest heaving, beside Peter at the open tomb. Then she and Peter forced themselves to believe the unbelievable.<br /> "He's gone, Mary." There was stunned, deadness in his voice. "All they left us was a corpse. Now they've got that too." And Peter stumbled off, going nowhere but away from this revolting desecration.<br /> Mary stayed. She had nowhere to go. She had nothing left. The power of her rage was spent. She was exhausted. She slumped her deadened body on a rock.<br /> Head in hands she sat. Her mind shut down. She felt nothing. Not even the will to die.<br /> Then memories. Memories of terror. Memories of despair. The pain of life in home-town Magdala came back – back in all its horrors. The darkness of that other life in that small town where she was beaten, starved and raped. Where people called her "slut" and "whore" though she was neither. Where she was called "possessed of seven demons." It wasn't till she remembered overhearing rumors of a healer, just down the lakeside at Capernaum, that a sense of feeling returned, and with the feeling, tears – tears that slowly washed her dry, red, angry eyes, tears that moved to moans, then into body heaving sobs – great gasping, screaming cries that found their way from the bottom of her wounded soul.<br /> Through the prism of tears she saw the light of dawn slanting through the rocks into the garden. And there, in that golden light, a figure, a man, it could be any man, it must be the gardener, who else would it be here in this place so early. "Look, if you took his body, tell me where, please, just tell me where, so I can go and get him and give him a decent, human burial. Tell me, for God sake tell me."<br /> "Mary." The voice was gentle. It seemed to come from another world. It took some moments to move its way through her sobs and into her consciousness. She heard it a second time. "Mary."<br /> Through her tears – through her salted tears of pain and anger and rejection, Mary saw him. "Rabbi," she whispered, and then shouted, "Rabbi!" Springing to her feet to embrace him, the light of morning sparkling through her tears, Mary rushed toward her Jesus.<br /> "Please don't touch me, Mary," he said. "There are reasons. Don’t be afraid, Mary. But go and tell our friends that death has been transformed to life and that despair has turned to hope."<br /> This time the path unrolled beneath her dancing feet. This time the amber rocks and greening bushes sparkled in the morning light. This time she shouted hope to all her friends.<br /> "I have seen him. He's alive. It's true. All that he said is true. God loves us. All of us. And death and pain are not the end of life."<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor<br />Lent – The Season for Apologies<br /> Maybe it’s just the season of Lent, the period before Easter traditionally dedicated to repentance and preparation for renewal. Whatever the reason, it seems, suddenly everyone’s apologizing for something.<br /> Golf great Tiger Woods went on television to apologize for letting his fans and his family down by a series of extra-marital affairs.<br /> British Prime Minister Gordon Brown apologized for the Child Migrant program that shipped children from London slums to the colonies – theoretically for a better life under adoption, but more often as something close to slave labour.<br /> Halifax Mayor Peter Kelly apologized for the prejudice that banished black people to impoverished communities outside the city limits – like Africville – and then, when the land suddenly became valuable, forcibly evicted them.<br /> Warren Chant, CEO of Hotel-Dieu Grace Hospital in Windsor, Ont., apologized – twice – for surgery by Dr. Barbara Heartwell that mistakenly removed women’s breasts that did not have malignant cancer after all.<br /> Toyota president Akio Toyoda repeatedly apologized to the U.S. Congress and millions of worried car-owners for defects in cars produced by his company, which once enjoyed an unrivalled reputation for quality.<br /> BC Liberal MLA Jane Thornthwaite apologized for impaired driving: "My actions were inexcusable. Drinking and driving is dangerous and completely unacceptable; I know that and make no excuses for what I did," Thornthwaite told the media.<br /> And not one but two federal cabinet ministers had to apologize for temper tantrums in airports. Helena Guergis apparently threw shoes, yelled at Air Canada attendants, and called Prince Edward Island a “hell hole.” Four days later, Veteran’s Affairs Minister Jean-Pierre Blackburn quarrelled publicly with security guards at the Ottawa airport over a bottle of tequila.<br /> And finally, the Pope himself, Benedict XVI, apologized to the victims of childhood abuse by Irish Roman Catholic priests and leaders.<br /> I’d like to think that my church, the United Church of Canada, might have helped to kick-start this process back in 1986 when it offered a formal apology to Canada’s native peoples for misunderstanding and mistreating them.<br /> Its example has since been followed by the Anglican, Presbyterian, and Roman Catholic churches of Canada. And eventually, by Prime Minister Stephen Harper, on behalf of the government of Canada, in June 2008.<br /> But what does an apology mean?<br /> The native people gathered for the United Church apology, in 1986, said, in effect, “Let’s wait and see.”<br /> Because an apology does not automatically generate forgiveness. An apology expresses regret, but not necessarily repentance.<br /> Compensation – for the Japanese deported from the Pacific coast or the First Nations children incarcerated in residential schools – is only a short-term solution. It hopes to buy off an injustice with a windfall handout. But it offers no assurance that the social mindset that caused the problem in the first place has learned anything from past experience, or is prepared to change in future.<br /> Without change, an apology by itself is merely a confession, an acknowledgement of wrongdoing. Repentance calls for something more – a commitment NOT to do the same again.<br /> That’s when we can be sure that the apologies were sincere.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – from the file<br />* Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.<br />* Don’t let worry kill you. Let the church help.<br />* Doxology: “Praise God all preachers here below.”<br />* During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<br /><br />Wish I’d Said That! – There is no illness worse than desire; no foe fiercer than attachment; no fire so ravenous as anger; no ally so reliable as wisdom.<br /> Sathya Sai baba via Don Sandin<br /><br />A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.<br /> source unknown<br /><br />A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.<br /> source unknown<br /><br />All decisions are made on insufficient evidence.<br /> Rita Mae Brown<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />We Get Letters – Oh yes, there have been letters. They keep tumbling in through my e-mail and I keep telling myself I should respond to each one individually, knowing full well that I can’t. And besides, what could I say, besides “Thanks!”<br /> Leaving Rumors is hard to do. Harder than I expected. But it is right and necessary, and I do thank you all for your affirmation of my ministry.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “The King Lives!”) Note: This delightful piece first appeared many years ago in the print version of Rumors. See footnote #1. I’ve been looking for an excuse to run it – but not finding any, I’m running it anyway because it’s my last chance.<br /> By the way, Elvis was born in 1934 (the same year as I was born), which would have made him 75 or 76 years old at the time of this writing. If you spot him in the grocery check-out, he should have gray hair and a white beard.<br /><br />DOES THE KING LIVE? (Headline Nat’l Enquirer)(1)<br />by Prof. Herman Newt(1)<br />It is worth drawing attention to the significance of recent “Elvis sightings” (die Elvischegeschten) and the source of its credo: “The King Lives.”(2)<br /> At the outset, we must always critically distinguish between evidence of the historical Elvis event and those traditions which reflect the kerygmatic Presley. Hence, any serious scholar begins with the critical distinction between the original Elvischegescheten and the later Preslischereignis. Only later may we inquire about the proper relation between the Elvis of History and the Presley of Faith.<br /><br />THE QUEST FOR THE HISTORICAL ELVIS<br /> How are we to identify the authentic sayings of Elvis? The assured results of critical scholarship have shown the true Elvischesprecht is marked by the absence of grammar, i.e. “Ain’t Nothing but a Hound Dog” (missing subject), “Love me Tender, Love Me True” (missing adverbs), or “Lay offa Them Blue Suede Shoes” (missing intelligibility). Later works like “Will you Love Me Tonight?” and “In the Ghetto” lack this formal element and must be discarded by the serious scholar as the work of an emerging Preslischegemeinde.<br /> Why have we so little early Elvis material? We know that the original Elvis sayings were written down on white spandex, a material notoriously difficult to preserve in the American Southeast. Other early materials were lost when devotees wept on them or had them bronzed.(3) Instead we must work with Elvis sayings as they were taken up by the community and shaped to speak to the needs of the growing Presley cultus.<br /> The conviction that Elvis was alive and still speaking to them, shaped the original Elvis sayings into an authoritative word to the generations who had not seen Elvis for themselves. Already we can see that the “Elvis” must live on in the Presley of the Faithful Fan.<br /><br />THE DEATH OF ELVIS<br /> Attention must turn to the hermeneutical crisis of August 1977 when the Elvis of history could no longer support the Presley of Faith.(4) Now only the “death” of Elvis could assure “life” for the Presley. Some believe that his closest followers chose to fabricate an account of his “death” from an overdose.(5) The risk was great. His death might have undone the community but by now the kerygmatic Elvis lived in the millions of records and tacky posters cherished by his people.<br /> Did the historical Elvis really die? We cannot know but, of course, it does not matter: “What had died in Nashville had risen in the proclamation of his fans.” It was the kerygmatic Presley of Faith, not the actual Elvis of History who evoked the acclamation found even in the earliest post-overdose traditions: “The King Lives.”<br /><br />WHERE IS ELVIS TODAY?<br />It is not the number but the form of recent Elvischegesichten that interest critical scholarship. To be sure, the usual Elvisbericht falls into the form critical category of later community traditions: “Elvis Speaks to Me Ev’ry Nite” or “The King paid my Gas-Bill in Kalamazoo”; likewise the classic “Elvis is the Father of My Unborn Child” et al. But a few reports, judged by the criterion of dissimilarity may be taken as authentic.<br /> These witnesses reflect a consistent and, what is most important, an unPresliche tradition: “Elvis is older now, balding with a gray beard. He’s still heavy set and walks with a cane.” Here is the historical Elvis, in his fifties, like us, among us, and probably teaching in one of our seminaries.<br /><br />1. Translated by Michael Farris who got really tired of writing his dissertation on 19th century interpretation one Friday and watched Oprah Winfrey instead. In more responsible moments he is a Lecturer in Old Testament Studies at Knox College in Toronto.<br />2. The earliest discernible form of this confession is “Oh Elvis, Elvis, Baby, Baby.” Note poetic structure.<br />3. Cited in “Kitsch-kritik und der Geschichtliche Elvis” p.199<br />4. See the seminal “Der Elvis-scheinen oder der Elvis-schweinen?” In Teen Throb(15) 1976.<br />5. See the recent book by Jim Morison “Who Moved the ‘Stoned’?” Sadly Morison’s work loses credibility over his insistence that Jimi Hendrix and Mama Cass run a small accounting firm in Seattle, and that Karen Carpenter is Immelda Marcos.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bottom of the Barrel – A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.<br /> “Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offered. “Once, at a highway rest stop, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen.<br /> “So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. ‘Now, back off!!’ I yelled ‘Or you’ll answer to me!’”<br /> St. Peter was impressed: “When did this happen?”<br /> “Just a couple of minutes ago.”<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />A special request to anyone living on Maui in Hawai’i – We hope to spend January in Maui to get Bev the sunshine she so badly needs in winter. Is there a Rumors reader there who might help us with some church information? The tourist info says nothing at all about churches.<br /> Please send me an e-mail. ralph milton at shaw.ca (please remove the spaces and change the word “at” to an @). Thank you!<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – <a name="gospel_reading"></a>John 20:1-18<br />Note: This reader’s Theatre needs three readers: The narrator, Mary and Jesus.<br />Narr: Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene came to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the tomb. So she ran and went to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one whom Jesus loved.<br />Mary: "They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we do not know where they have laid him."Narr: Then Peter and the other disciple set out and went toward the tomb. The two were running together, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first. He bent down to look in and saw the linen wrappings lying there, but he did not go in. Then Simon Peter came, following him, and went into the tomb. He saw the linen wrappings lying there, and the cloth that had been on Jesus' head, not lying with the linen wrappings but rolled up in a place by itself. Then the other disciple, who reached the tomb first, also went in, and he saw and believed; for as yet they did not understand the scripture, that he must rise from the dead. Then the disciples returned to their homes. But Mary stood weeping outside the tomb. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb; and she saw two angels in white, sitting where the body of Jesus had been lying, one at the head and the other at the feet. They asked her, "Woman, why are you weeping?"<br />Mary: "They have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid him."Narr: When she had said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not know that it was Jesus.Jesus: "Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you looking for?"<br />Narr: Mary thought this must be the gardener.<br />Mary: "Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have laid him, and I will take him away."Jesus: "Mary!"<br />Mary: "Rabbouni!....my teacher!<br />Jesus: "Do not hold on to me, because I have not yet ascended to the Father. But go to my brothers and say to them, 'I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.'"Narr: Mary Magdalene went and called out to the disciples.<br />Mary: "I have seen the Lord!"<br />Narr: And Mary told them that Jesus had said these things to her.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-4757806656403982362010-03-18T10:12:00.001-07:002010-03-18T10:13:16.353-07:00Preaching Materials for March 28th, 2010R U M O R S # 594<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2010-03-21<br /><br />March 21st, 2010<br /><br />NECESSARY PAIN<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Motto:<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />A DEEP THANKS – The notes and letters following my announcement last week that Rumors was ending, have been overwhelming. I started writing individual responses to them, but I had to give up. I ran out of time and emotional energy. There were just so many. And a simple acknowledgement wouldn’t do because so many of them were deeply moving.<br /> I am grateful for all of them. I am also grateful that very few of you tried to talk me into changing my mind. Even with the depth of feeling expressed in some of them, I know the decision to stop now is the right one.<br /> The end of Rumors does not mean the end of Jim Taylor’s “Soft Edges”. Jim will continue his wise and useful comments, and you can subscribe directly by sending him a note at:<br /> <a href="mailto:jimt@quixotic.ca">jimt@quixotic.ca</a><br /> While you’re at it, ask him to also subscribe you to “Sharp Edges,” which is much more topical and political.<br /> When you receive these publications directly from him, you also receive a lively dialogue he caries on with various people who write to him in response to his columns.<br /> The last issue of Rumors containing our comments on the biblical story will be next week, which will have the material for Easter Sunday. You will also receive an Easter Sunday edition, but it will not contain any commentary for the Sunday following Easter. It will mostly be a good-bye and thank-you edition.<br /><br />*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />The Story – the passion narrative<br />Rumors – reliving the pain<br />Soft Edges – following in the footsteps of the saints<br />Bloopers – love hurting people<br />Mirabile Dictu! – reasons<br />Bottom of the Barrel – tortured logic<br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Jim Taylor’s passion narrative<br />Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rib Tickler – The preacher had a temperance sermon in full bore.<br /> “It’s the taverns where all the money goes. Who drives the biggest, newest car in town? The tavern keeper! Whose wife wears the finest clothes in town? The tavern keeper! Who sits on his front porch eating chocolates and sipping fine wine? The tavern keeper! And who pays for all this? You do!”<br /> As the congregation filed out of church, a young couple shook the pastor’s hand warmly. “Thank you so much, Reverend,” they said. “Your sermon helped us decide on our future.”<br /> “Wonderful. You have chosen to give up strong drink!”<br /> “Well, no,” said the couple. “We’re going into the tavern business.”<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, March 28th, which is traditionally called Palm Sunday. But more and more congregations are moving toward calling it “Passion Sunday” or the “Liturgy of the Passion.”<br /> The readings for Palm Sunday are:<br />* Psalm 118:1-2, 19-29<br />* Luke 19:28-40.<br /> The readings for Passion Sunday are:<br />* <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=124#hebrew_reading">Isaiah 50:4-9a</a><br />* <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=124#psalm_reading">Psalm 31:9-16</a><br />* <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=124#epistle_reading">Philippians 2:5-11</a><br />* <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=124#gospel_reading">Luke 22:14-23:56</a> or <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=124#gospel_oth_reading">Luke 23:1-49</a><br /><br />The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – * <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=124#gospel_reading">Luke 22:14-23:56</a> or <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=124#gospel_oth_reading">Luke 23:1-49</a><br /><br />Jim says –<br /> The two Luke options are huge – 114 verses in one, 49 in the other. Neither reading will fit into the Sesame Street sound-bites we’re accustomed to.<br /> I urge you to tell the whole story. This story doesn’t need embellishment or explanation – it just needs telling. (For the congregation I belong to, I broke it up so that it can be read by people playing roles. You can find this dramatization at below under “Reader’s Theatre.”<br /> Although this is one of the most familiar stories in the Bible, I’m amazed how often church attenders have never heard the whole story, told in a single sequence. It’s always been broken up into smaller mouthfuls, sugar coated, easily digested without upset.<br /> So tell the whole story. Don’t leave anything out. You might be surprised how intently your people will listen to it.<br /><br />Ralph says –<br />It wasn’t until the 14th and 15th century that the resurrection of Jesus became the major focus of the Jesus story. Up until that time, it was the passion – the crucifixion – which was the focus. The resurrection story was there, of course, but it was something of a post script to the main event. The vision experienced by my friend Julian of Norwich (1341-141?) was of Christ on the Cross and some of her graphic descriptions would almost rival Mel Gibson’s.<br /> The gospel writers didn’t fall into the trap of gratuitous gore. They told the story simply and well. And without this story, the Easter resurrection narrative loses its drama. Without this story, we may forget that the Christian journey involves pain, sacrifice, death.<br /> There is a tendency in our churches to sanitize the gospels. We turn the Christmas story into a lovely legend of Mary and Joseph bringing Jesus into the world in a sweet-smelling, sanitary stable, without pain or danger. And many of our folks would like to skip right from the triumphal entry of Jesus into Jerusalem, to the resurrection. Skip over anything unpleasant.<br /> So, as Jim says, let’s tell the whole story. Tell it simply. Tell it well.<br /><br /><a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=124#hebrew_reading">Isaiah 50:4-9a</a> – The writer of Isaiah, whether there was one, two or three of them, were poets. This passage is not a prediction of anything – it is a poem about the writer’s relationship with God and the community in which he lives.<br /> There’s lots about this poem that we don’t understand, and that’s OK. Poems are like music – not meant to be understood but to be received into our consciousness.<br /><br /><a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=124#psalm_reading">Psalm 31:9-16</a> – paraphrased by Jim Taylor<br /> Kids are cruel. Children who are unusually skinny or fat, who have poor hearing or thick glasses or speech impediments, often have to live with merciless teasing.<br /> Perhaps you can still hear echoes of that treatment in your life.<br />9 I feel lousy, Lord.<br />My head aches, my heart aches, my whole body aches.<br />10 My life is a sea of suffering.<br />Night after night, I toss in torment;<br />I cannot sleep; I waste away with weariness.<br />11 I have become a laughing stock.<br />My enemies scorn me, my neighbors avoid me–<br />even people who pass me in the street turn away from me.<br />12 My mind has turned to jelly.<br />I might as well be dead; I'm a fraction of my former self.<br />13 I can hear them whispering about me.<br />They put their heads together;<br />Behind my back, they plot to make me look foolish.<br />14 But they won't grind me down, Lord, for I trust in you.<br />I know that you are my God.<br />15 Even when I can't help myself, you will guard me;<br />My survival is safe in your hands.<br />16 Don't turn away from me too–<br />If you love me, rescue me from my torment.<br /> From: Everyday Psalms<br /> Wood Lake Publications.<br /> For details, go to <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a><br /><br /><a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=124#epistle_reading">Philippians 2:5-11</a> – This passage is almost certainly a hymn or a creed that was used in the early Christian Church. Paul quite often quotes from the liturgical heritage that was developing among those first Christians.<br /> Like hymns and creeds generally, this passage condenses a whole life of Christian devotion into a few words. Which is fine as long as that life and that faith is shared by those reciting or singing this passage. The words become symbols of something larger and more powerful.<br /> It’s a bit like the cross that hangs over the communion table in our church. That cross carries a whole world of meaning for those of us who worship there, but explaining it in a few words to a non-Christian would be at least futile and probably counter-productive.<br /><br />There are four stories for children related to the Palm/Passion narrative in the Lectionary Story Bible, Year C. They could be used individually, or as a longer narrative with breaks for children’s restless bodies. They begin on page 105.<br /> There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a>, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”<br /> <a href="http://tinyurl.com/2lonod">http://tinyurl.com/2lonod</a><br /> Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rumors – There’s a church in Jerusalem called St. Peter in Gallicantu. St. Peter at the Crowing of the Rooster.<br /> There are a number of interesting things to see there – rock-cut structures, cellars, cisterns, stables, most of it dating to the Herodian period (37BCE - 70CE). From the balcony of the church you get a wonderful view of the City of David and the three valleys on which Jerusalem is built.<br /> Tradition says this is where Peter went and “wept bitterly” (Matt. 26:75) when the crowing of the rooster reminded him of his betrayal. It is also, according to another tradition, the house of Caiaphas the high priest, where Jesus was taken following his arrest.<br /> None of that has anything in the way of historical credibility, and that is not why our little group of scholars went there. We spent our time in one of those cellars, which had been used in the first century as a prison. For the convenience of tourists like me, new steps had been cut down into it, so we could walk down and up again easily. But the original entrance was simply a hole, about two feet across, up at the ceiling. Prisoners were lowered, or perhaps simply thrown, down into that prison. There are no windows. No opening, except for that one small hole in the ceiling about 20 feet up.<br /> There is some graffiti on the wall. There are marks which may have been made by a prisoner keeping track of the days. On the wall are iron rings, to which prisoners would have been manacled.<br /> It was a good place to read the story of the trial and crucifixion of Jesus. A prison is a good place to hear the passion narrative. I stood there against the white, sandstone wall, holding on to one of those iron rings, trying to imagine what that kind of suffering might be like.<br /> I spent a lot of time with the medieval mystic, Julian of Norwich, when I was writing “Julian’s Cell” and translating her book called “Showings.” Julian prayed that she would experience the suffering of Christ on the cross – not as an observer at the foot of the cross but as one who could feel the tear of the nails and the agony of that barbaric death. As I read Julian’s words, I remembered standing in that old prison, struggling to imagine pain that I had never even come near. Beyond a few minor injuries and illnesses, I have never known pain. Or at least not physical pain.<br /> The pain of a heart that feels as if it is breaking in two – that I have known. Certainly that kind of sorrow may have been the greater pain for Jesus to bear, but how can I know?<br /> I don’t know. And Julian in the end, didn’t know either. To some degree she and I can imagine, but we can never know.<br /> But we can listen to that ancient story of one who cared enough for truth and beauty and love to die for it. If we listen deeply – not just with our heads – but savor all the words and let them soak down deep into the tender places of our souls, then perhaps, just for a moment, we will sense the desperation that was Calvary.<br /> When we have done that, we can walk toward that tomb, with tears still in our eyes and pray for Easter morning.<br /> And it is through those tears, like Mary of Magdala, we may see the risen Christ.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor<br />Following in the Footsteps of the Saints<br /> St. Patrick is not the only Irish saint, although he is by far the best known. When Joan and I went on a “pilgrimage” through Ireland four years ago, we met St. Brendan.<br /> Not in person, of course. According to legend, St. Brendan reached North America about 500 years before the Vikings. In 1978, author Tim Severin showed that Brendan’s voyage was possible by sailing a leather-clad boat, like the one Brendan would have used, across the Atlantic to Newfoundland.<br /> For 15 centuries, pilgrims have come to the Dingle Peninsula, as far west as you can go in Ireland, to plod the pilgrims path from the sea to the top of Mount Brandon – the ancient Irish weren’t much concerned about consistency in spelling<br /> Part of the walk was fairly easy, across a ridge, down the other side. Our group merely had to watch out for sheep droppings, slippery mud, and an incredibly prickly plant called gorse, furze, or whins.<br /> The other part involved climbing Mount Brandon, which rises roughly 3100 feet straight up from sea level. That may not sound high, compared to the Rockies, for example. But when I hike in the Rockies, I typically start at about 6,000 feet, and seldom climb more than another 2,000 feet.<br /> Six of our larger group climbed Mount Brandon. The historic trail zigzagged up the rugged slopes, marked by weathered white crosses – the traditional “Stations of the Cross.” But fog had rolled in from the sea. From each station, we could rarely see the next one ahead. We never did see the top, until we got there.<br /> We just tramped on, following a route marked out by who knows how many millions of pious feet.<br /> Later, after we rejoined the main pilgrimage group, we were asked to identify symbols that had made this part of our pilgrimage memorable.<br /> My friend David Smith, now a retired minister living in the Fraser Valley, chose the fog as his symbol.<br /> It was an eerie feeling, he explained, climbing into the fog. We could not see where we were going; we just had to carry on in faith that the next station, the next marker, would show up eventually. We had to trust the people who had gone before us, trust that they knew the way, even if we didn’t.<br /> My symbol was the footprints on the trail. We all wore modern hiking boots, or some equivalent. But I kept feeling that underneath the marks of modern heels lay the footsteps of people wearing sandals, perhaps. Or crude leather moccasins. Even bare feet, toes gripping the slippery earth, the sharp gravel, the tufts of lush emerald grass...<br /> For both of us, these images spoke not just of the day’s hike, but of life, of faith. We cannot always see ahead to our destination, nor how we will get there. We have to trust those who have gone before, as they trusted those who went before them.<br /> Even if we travel our paths through life with the help of science and technology that was not available to our predecessors.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – from the file:<br />* Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.* Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp. We have a Gents bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order.* The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility.<br />* At Easter, the choir did the cantata “Olivet to Calvary.” It was noted in the local paper as “All of It to Calgary.”<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<br /><br />Wish I’d Said That! – For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don't believe, no proof is possible.<br /> - Stuart Chase<br /><br />Truth forever on the scaffold, Wrong forever on the throne.<br /> - James Russell Lowell<br /><br />No one, who tries to pursue an ideal, is without enemies.<br /> Author unknown<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Reasons!”)<br />I made up my mind never to go to another football game. I’ve attended faithfully for many years, but now I’ve had it. Here are my reasons.<br />1) I was taken to too many games by my parents when I was small.<br />2) The games are always played when I want to do something else.<br />3) Every time I go to a game, somebody asks for money.<br />4) The other people who go to games hardly ever speak to me, and the coach can’t remember my name.<br />5) The seats are too hard. Besides, sometimes I have to sit down front at the 50 yard line.<br />6) There are hypocrites in the crowd. Some of them just come because they think it’s a good place to be seen. Others just want to see what people are wearing.<br />7) The referee says things I don’t agree with.<br />8) The band plays numbers I’ve never heard before.<br />9) Some games last too long and I get home too late.<br />10) I have a good book on football, so I’ll just stay home and read it.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bottom of the Barrel – Fire trucks have four wheels and eight firefighters, and four plus eight equals twelve. There are twelve inches in a foot. A foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is one of the largest ships on the seven seas. Seas have fish. Fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians. The Russians are red. Fire trucks are always rushin’. Therefore, fire trucks are usually red.<br /> If you think this is wild, you ought to hear some people trying to explain why they are not attending church on Sunday morning.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – This Jim Taylor’s development of a Reader’s Theatre presentation of the Passion Sunday narrative. This is reader’s theatre, so it works best if you don’t have the actors trying to go through the actions. The drama is carried by their voices. I would have them standing behind music stands, with the narrator in the pulpit or lectern.<br /> Because this is very long for a scripture reading, it might be good to have the congregation stand and sing a verse or two of a hymn between the various sections.<br /><br /><br />Luke 22:14-23:56 (The Message)<br /><br />Scene 1: The Upper Room<br /><br />Requires readers for<br /><br />Narrator<br /><br />Jesus<br /><br />Peter<br /><br />Other disciples (at least two)<br /><br />Narrator: 14-16When it was time, Jesus sat down, all the apostles with him. He said,<br /><br />Jesus: "You've no idea how much I have looked forward to eating this Passover meal with you before I enter my time of suffering. It's the last one I'll eat until we all eat it together in the kingdom of God."<br /><br />Narrator: 17-18Taking the cup, he blessed it, then said,<br /><br />Jesus: "Take this and pass it among you. As for me, I'll not drink wine again until the kingdom of God arrives."<br /><br />Narrator: Taking bread, he blessed it, broke it, and gave it to them, saying,<br /><br />Jesus: "This is my body, given for you. Eat it in my memory."<br /><br />Narrator: 20He did the same with the cup after supper, saying,<br /><br />Jesus: "This cup is the new covenant written in my blood, blood poured out for you. 21-22"Do you realize that the hand of the one who is betraying me is at this moment on this table? It's true that the Son of Man is going down a path already marked out—no surprises there. But for the one who turns him in, turns traitor to the Son of Man, this is doomsday."<br /><br />Narrator: 23They immediately became suspicious of each other and began quizzing one another, wondering who might be about to do this. 24-26Within minutes they were bickering over who of them would end up the greatest. But Jesus intervened:<br /><br />Jesus: "Kings like to throw their weight around and people in authority like to give themselves fancy titles. It's not going to be that way with you. Let the senior among you become like the junior; let the leader act the part of the servant. 27-30"Who would you rather be: the one who eats the dinner or the one who serves the dinner? You'd rather eat and be served, right? But I've taken my place among you as the one who serves. And you've stuck with me through thick and thin. Now I confer on you the responsibility that God conferred on me, so you can eat and drink at my table in my kingdom and be strengthened as you take up responsibilities among the congregations of God's people. 31-32"Simon, stay on your toes. Satan has tried his best to separate all of you from me, like chaff from wheat. Simon, I've prayed for you in particular that you not give in or give out. When you have come through the time of testing, turn to your companions and give them a fresh start."<br /><br />Peter: 33"Master, I'm ready for anything with you. I'd go to jail for you. I'd die for you!"<br /><br />Jesus: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Peter, but before the rooster crows you will have three times denied that you know me."<br /><br />Narrator: 35Then Jesus said,<br /><br />Jesus: "When I sent you out and told you to travel light, to take only the bare necessities, did you get along all right?"<br /><br />Disciples: "Certainly! We got along just fine."<br /><br />Jesus: 36-37"This is different. Get ready for trouble. Look to what you'll need; there are difficult times ahead. Pawn your coat and get a sword. What was written in Scripture, 'He was lumped in with the criminals,' gets its final meaning in me. Everything written about me is now coming to a conclusion."<br /><br />A disciple: 38"Look, Master, we have two swords!"<br /><br />Jesus: "Enough of that; no more sword talk!"<br /><br /><br />Scene 2: Garden of Gethsemane<br /><br />Requires readers for<br /><br />Narrator<br /><br />Jesus<br /><br />Disciples (at least two)<br /><br />Narrator: 39-40Leaving there, he went, as he so often did, to Mount Olives. The disciples followed him. When they arrived at the place, Jesus said,<br /><br />Jesus: "Pray that you don't give in to temptation."<br /><br />Narrator: 41-44He pulled away from them about a stone's throw, knelt down, and prayed,<br /><br />Jesus: "Father, remove this cup from me. But please, not what I want. What do you want?"<br /><br />Narrator: At once an angel from heaven was at his side, strengthening him. Jesus prayed on all the harder. Sweat, wrung from him like drops of blood, poured off his face.<br /><br /> 45-46He got up from prayer, went back to the disciples and found them asleep, drugged by grief. He said,<br /><br />Jesus: "What business do you have sleeping? Get up. Pray so you won't give in to temptation."<br /><br />Narrator: 47-48No sooner were the words out of his mouth than a crowd showed up, Judas, the one from the Twelve, in the lead. He came right up to Jesus to kiss him. Jesus challenged him:<br /><br />Jesus: "Judas, you would betray the Son of Man with a kiss?"<br /><br />Narrator: 49-50When those with him realized what was happening, they asked,<br /><br />Disciples: "Master, shall we fight?"<br /><br />Narrator: One of them took a swing at the Chief Priest's servant and cut off his right ear.<br /><br /> 51Jesus: "Let them be. Even in this."<br /><br />Narrator: Then, touching the servant's ear, he healed him.<br /><br /> 52-53Jesus spoke to those who had come as spectators—high priests, Temple police, religion leaders:<br /><br />Jesus: "What is this, jumping me with swords and clubs as if I were a dangerous criminal? Day after day I've been with you in the Temple and you've not so much as lifted a hand against me. But do it your way—it's a dark night, a dark hour."<br /><br />Narrator: 54-56Arresting Jesus, they marched him off and took him into the house of the Chief Priest.<br /><br /><br />Scene 3: At the Chief Priest’s House<br /><br />Requires readers for<br /><br />Narrator<br /><br />Maid<br /><br />Peter<br /><br />Two men<br /><br />Narrator: Peter followed, but at a safe distance. In the middle of the courtyard some people had started a fire and were sitting around it, trying to keep warm. One of the serving maids sitting at the fire noticed him, then took a second look and said,<br /><br />Maid: "This man was with him!"<br /><br /> Narrator: Peter denied it,<br /><br />Peter: "Woman, I don't even know him."<br /><br />Narrator: 58A short time later, someone else noticed him.<br /><br />Man 1: "You're one of them."<br /><br />Peter: "Man, I am not."<br /><br />Narrator: 59About an hour later, someone else spoke up, really adamant:<br /><br />Man 2: "He's got to have been with him! He's got 'Galilean' written all over him."<br /><br />Peter: "I don't know what you're talking about."<br /><br />Narrator: At that very moment, the last word hardly off his lips, a rooster crowed. Just then, the Master turned and looked at Peter. Peter remembered what the Master had said to him:<br /><br />Jesus: "Before the rooster crows, you will deny me three times."<br /><br />Narrator: Peter went out and cried and cried and cried.<br /><br /><br />Scene 4: The trial of Jesus<br /><br />Requires readers for<br /><br />Narrator<br /><br />Jesus<br /><br />Soldier<br /><br />Pilate<br /><br />3 Priests (can also serve as Crowd)<br /><br />Narrator: 63-65The men in charge of Jesus began poking fun at him, slapping him around. They put a blindfold on him and taunted,<br /><br />Soldier: "Who hit you that time?"<br /><br />Narrator: They were having a grand time with him. 66-67When it was morning, the religious leaders of the people and the high priests and scholars all got together and brought him before their High Council. They demanded,<br /><br />Priest 1: "Are you the Messiah?"<br /><br />Narrator: 67-69Jesus answered,<br /><br />Jesus: "If I said yes, you wouldn't believe me. If I asked what you meant by your question, you wouldn't answer me. So here's what I have to say: From here on the Son of Man takes his place at God's right hand, the place of power."<br /><br /> 70Priest 2: "So you admit your claim to be the Son of God?"<br /><br />Jesus: "You're the ones who keep saying it."<br /><br />Narrator: 71But they had made up their minds,<br /><br />Priest 3: "Why do we need any more evidence? We've all heard him as good as say it himself."<br /><br />Narrator: 1-2Then they all took Jesus to Pilate and began to bring up charges against him. They said,<br /><br />Priest 1: "We found this man undermining our law and order, forbidding taxes to be paid to Caesar, setting himself up as Messiah-King."<br /><br />Pilate: "Is this true that you're 'King of the Jews'?"<br /><br />Jesus: "Those are your words, not mine."<br /><br />Narrator: 4Pilate told the high priests and the accompanying crowd,<br /><br />Pilate: "I find nothing wrong here. He seems harmless enough to me."<br /><br />Narrator: 5But they were vehement.<br /><br />Priest 1: "He's stirring up unrest among the people with his teaching.<br /><br />Priest 2: He’s disturbing the peace everywhere, starting in Galilee and now all through Judea.<br /><br />Priest 3: He's a dangerous man, endangering the peace."<br /><br />Narrator: 6-7When Pilate heard that, he asked,<br /><br />Pilate: "Oh. So he's a Galilean?"<br /><br />Narrator: Realizing that Galileans came under Herod's jurisdiction, he passed the buck to Herod, who just happened to be in Jerusalem for a few days. 8-10Herod was delighted when Jesus showed up. He had wanted for a long time to see him, he'd heard so much about him. He hoped to see him do something spectacular. He peppered him with questions. Jesus didn't answer—not one word. But the high priests and religion scholars were right there, saying their piece, strident and shrill in their accusations. 11-12Mightily offended, Herod turned on Jesus. His soldiers joined in, taunting and jeering. Then they dressed him up in an elaborate king costume and sent him back to Pilate. That day Herod and Pilate became thick as thieves. Always before they had kept their distance. 13-16Then Pilate called in the high priests, rulers, and the others and said,<br /><br />Pilate: "You brought this man to me as a disturber of the peace. I examined him in front of all of you and found there was nothing to your charge. And neither did Herod, for he has sent him back here with a clean bill of health. It's clear that he's done nothing wrong, let alone anything deserving death. I'm going to warn him to watch his step and let him go."<br /><br />Narrator: 18-20At that, the crowd went wild:<br /><br />Crowd: "Kill him! Give us Barabbas!"<br /><br />Narrator: (Barabbas had been thrown in prison for starting a riot in the city and for murder.) Pilate still wanted to let Jesus go, and so spoke out again. 21But the crowd kept shouting back,<br /><br />Crowd: "Crucify! Crucify him!"<br /><br />Narrator: 22Pilate tried a third time.<br /><br />Pilate: "But for what crime? I've found nothing in him deserving death. I'm going to warn him to watch his step and let him go."<br /><br />Narrator: 23-25But they kept at it, a shouting mob, demanding that he be crucified. And finally they shouted him down. Pilate caved in and gave them what they wanted. He released the man thrown in prison for rioting and murder, and gave Jesus to the Temple authorities to do whatever they wanted.<br /><br /><br />Scene 5: The Cross<br /><br />Requires readers for<br /><br />Narrator<br /><br />Jesus<br /><br />Soldier<br /><br />2 criminals<br /><br />Crowd members<br /><br />Narrator: 26-31As they led him off, they made Simon, a man from Cyrene who happened to be coming in from the countryside, carry the cross behind Jesus. A huge crowd of people followed, along with women weeping and carrying on. At one point Jesus turned to the women and said,<br /><br />Jesus: "Daughters of Jerusalem, don't cry for me. Cry for yourselves and for your children. The time is coming when they'll say, 'Lucky the women who never conceived! Lucky the wombs that never gave birth! Lucky the breasts that never gave milk!' Then they'll start calling to the mountains, 'Fall down on us!' calling to the hills, 'Cover us up!' If people do these things to a live, green tree, can you imagine what they'll do with deadwood?"<br /><br />Narrator: 32Two others, both criminals, were taken along with him for execution. 33When they got to the place called Skull Hill, they crucified him, along with the criminals, one on his right, the other on his left. 34-35And Jesus prayed,<br /><br />Jesus: "Father, forgive them; they don't know what they're doing."<br /><br />Narrator: Dividing up his clothes, they threw dice for them. The people stood there staring at Jesus, and the ringleaders made faces, taunting,<br /><br />Crowd: "He saved others. Let's see him save himself! The Messiah of God—ha! The Chosen One—ha!"<br /><br />Narrator: 36-37The soldiers also came up and poked fun at him, making a game of it. They toasted him with sour wine:<br /><br />Soldier: "So you're King of the Jews! Save yourself!"<br /><br />Narrator: 38Printed over him was a sign: “This is the King of the Jews.” 39One of the criminals hanging alongside cursed him:<br /><br />Criminal 1: "Some Messiah you are! Save yourself! Save us!"<br /><br />Narrator: 40-41But the other one made him shut up:<br /><br />Criminal 2: "Have you no fear of God? You're getting the same as him. We deserve this, but not him—he did nothing to deserve this."<br /><br /> Narrator: 42Then the second criminal said,<br /><br />Criminal 2: "Jesus, remember me when you enter your kingdom."<br /><br />Jesus: "Don't worry, I will. Today you will join me in paradise."<br /><br />Narrator: 44-46By now it was noon. The whole earth became dark, the darkness lasting three hours—a total blackout. The Temple curtain split right down the middle. Jesus called loudly,<br /><br />Jesus: "Father, I place my life in your hands!"<br /><br />Narrator: Then he breathed his last. 47When the captain there saw what happened, he honored God:<br /><br />Soldier: "This man was innocent! A good man, and innocent!"<br /><br />Narrator: 48-49All who had come around as spectators to watch the show, when they saw what actually happened, were overcome with grief and headed home. Those who knew Jesus well, along with the women who had followed him from Galilee, stood at a respectful distance and kept vigil. 50-54There was a man by the name of Joseph, a member of the Jewish High Council, a man of good heart and good character. He had not gone along with the plans and actions of the council. His hometown was the Jewish village of Arimathea. He lived in alert expectation of the kingdom of God. He went to Pilate and asked for the body of Jesus. Taking him down, he wrapped him in a linen shroud and placed him in a tomb chiseled into the rock, a tomb never yet used. It was the day before Sabbath, the Sabbath just about to begin. 55-56The women who had been companions of Jesus from Galilee followed along. They saw the tomb where Jesus' body was placed. Then they went back to prepare burial spices and perfumes. They rested quietly on the Sabbath, as commanded.<br /><br /><br /><a name="epistle_reading"></a>~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don't put anything else in that e-mail<br />To Unsubscribe:<br />* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.<br />Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-39931258360259189392010-03-12T11:40:00.000-08:002010-03-12T11:41:31.756-08:00Preaching Materials for March 21R U M O R S # 593<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2010-03-14<br /><br />March 14th, 2010<br /><br />TENDER LOVE<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Motto:<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />THE END OF RUMORS<br />“To everything there is a season,” said the ancient preacher. And the season has now come when Rumors must end.<br /> The weight of age presses more heavily on me than I often want to admit, and the mental energy needed to do this newsletter each week becomes harder to find. We’re approaching 600 issues and a dozen years, and I have always maintained that I wanted to stop doing this when it was still hard to stop, and when people still wanted me to continue. As P.T. Barnum has said, “Always leave ‘em wanting more.”<br /> So Easter will be the last issue. The last lectionary commentary will be the one for Easter Sunday.<br /> It’s a hard thing to say and a hard thing to do, and I will miss it. Most of all I’ll miss the delightful notes I get from so many of you each week.<br /> But the time is right and it must be done. There are other things I need to say to you all, but I’ll save those for that last issue on Easter Sunday.<br /> Ralph<br /><br />*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />The Story – different details but a common theme<br />Rumors – writing from the heart<br />Soft Edges – inevitable progressions<br />Bloopers – discretionary fun<br />We Get Letters – a special note to non-Canadians<br />Mirabile Dictu! – holy lightning<br />Bottom of the Barrel – a sermon illustration<br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 12:1-8<br />Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rib Tickler – Alex was trying to say some words of comfort to his friend Bernie. “I hear you buried your wife last week,” said Alex. “Dreadfully sorry.”<br /> “Had to,” said Bernie. “Dead, you know.”<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><a name="OLE_LINK1"> </a><br />Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, March 21st, which is the 5th Sunday in Lent.<br />* Isaiah 43:16-21<br />* Psalm 126<br />* Philippians 3:4b-14<br />* John 12:1-8<br /><br />The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – John 12:1-8<br /><br />Ralph says –<br /> As it has been this Lent and will be for the next while, the story is in the gospel. It’s a story that has been argued and fussed over by biblical scholars all over the world, and sometimes in doing so, they missed the point.<br /> That’s because the story occurs in different versions with different details in all four gospels. But comparing and fussing and arguing can lead us away from the core of the story which is there in all four accounts. It’s a very tender story of Jesus being deeply moved by the tender ministrations of a hurting, caring woman.<br /> We lost our son Lloyd a number of years ago. Not long after his death, I found myself in a group of people singing the tender and beautiful song by John Ylvisaker, “I Was There to Hear Your Borning Cry.” The song touched the deep and painful parts of my soul and dissolved me completely.<br /> Several years later, at another gathering this time of several hundred people, they stood and sang that song, and the pain of Lloyd’s death came flooding back into me. I was the theme speaker at that gathering, presumably the one imparting strength and wisdom.<br /> But at that moment, I knew only weakness and confusion. I almost fell into my seat as I listened to the people around me sing that song. None of them knew the pain I felt, and somehow that added anger to my hurt.<br /> Then I felt warm hands on my shoulders, gently rubbing my neck and the back of my head. The hands didn’t leave and I didn’t look up until the song had finished. It was a woman who had been at that first gathering. A very small and frail woman who I knew to have suffered deeply in her life. I reached up and touched her hand. She smiled and walked back to her seat.<br /> That’s the story that came to me as I read this scripture. Jesus was keenly aware that he faced great suffering and probably death. This woman, who knew what suffering was about, reached out in tenderness. And he responded.<br /> And that, I believe, is what this story is about.<br /><br />Jim says –<br /> I agree with Ralph – the gospel lection tells us a lovely story, that can too easily get sidetracked into nitpicking.<br /> I could, for example, waste an entire sermon on how easy it is to read motives back into a story after the fact (like the prejudiced description of Judas). Or I could rant against narrow proof-texting (“the poor you will always have with you”) while missing the larger point.<br /> But the far more important story is the number of ways that people try to show their love. Joan and I have been on the receiving end of that love a number of times. After our son’s death, almost a procession of people coming up our driveway bearing gifts. Today, people don’t bring rare perfumes, they bring casseroles. Or the regular arrivals of a fully prepared meal on the days when Joan had chemotherapy. Or the supportive phone calls when I’ve come under attack for something I’ve written...<br /> Don’t use my examples; find your own.<br /> How do people show their love? Do they knit shawls? Serve at soup kitchens? Organize Amnesty International letter-writing sessions? Scribe handwritten notes? Make charitable donations?<br /> Mary expended costly ointment; Martha served a meal; Lazarus provided company. We need to recognize that there are many ways of demonstrating love.<br /><br />Isaiah 43:16-21 – It’s really hard to look toward the future with eager anticipation when all the signs around you seem to be negative. In many churches, membership is declining, there are fewer and fewer children, and givings are way down.<br /> So it’s hard to believe Isaiah’s prophecy. But the people who first heard that prophecy also had very little in the way of positive signs to hang on to. So Isaiah invites us to give our heads a good shake and believe that God can and does do new things. If we can develop a positive attitude, we might even notice some of them.<br /><br />Psalm 126 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor<br />1 When the gates of our prisons opened, we could not believe it.<br />2 Stone walls sank behind us;<br />the sky opened above us;<br />we did cartwheels for joy.<br />Those who gathered to celebrate our release said to themselves,<br />"God has been good to them."<br />3 Indeed, we could not have set ourselves free;<br />God must have had a hand in it.<br />4 Now we must rebuild our broken lives,<br />like piecing together shards of shattered pottery.<br />5 May we find as much joy in putting the pieces together<br />as we had sorrow in their shattering.<br />6 These new lives were born in pain and suffering;<br />with God's help, they can still blossom into a second spring.<br /> From: Everyday Psalms<br /> Wood Lake Publications.<br /> For details, go to <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a><br /><br />Philippians 3:4b-14 – Paul’s comment, “as to righteousness under the law, blameless,” reminds me of a story told to me recently by a clergy friend. She had been leading worship at a senior’s residence. When she declared, “Now let us confess our sins,” a very elderly woman struggled to raise her head. “I don’t have any!” she said.<br /> And certainly, if sins are defined as the things we do, she was right. The worst she could manage might be sinful thoughts, and even those are few and far between the older you get.<br /><br />There are two children’s stories for this Sunday in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C.” They are on page 102 and 103, and they are based on the Psalm and the Gospel. “A Song of Happiness,” and “Something Beautiful for Jesus.”<br /> There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a>, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”<br /> <a href="http://tinyurl.com/2lonod">http://tinyurl.com/2lonod</a><br /> Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rumors – When I was 13 or 14 years old, I decided I wanted to be a writer when I grew up. In middle age, I concluded I was too ordinary to be a writer. Now at a somewhat frailer 75 I realize that ordinariness is the essential quality of a writer.<br /> When I first took up this craft, I didn’t realize how much time you have to spend alone. And that’s exactly how it has to be, because it takes a long, long, time to discipline promiscuous words into an approximation of what you have in your head.<br /> Or what’s in your heart. And that’s where the best writing always comes from. And it often involves intense emotion.<br /> On one occasion Bev came into my office to locate a book. “Why are you crying?” she wanted to know.<br /> It was a reasonable question, but I didn’t really have a reasonable answer. The particular tears on that occasion came when I was trying to capture in words the picture in my heart of Bev and Zoë, in the middle of a quiet afternoon.<br /> Bev was sitting way back in an easy chair. Zoë was on her lap sitting way back into her grandma. And the two of them were singing, one song after another, quietly, unconsciously, simply being there with each other, their eyes half closed.<br /> And as they sang “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” I finally understood the difference between religious music and non-religious music. It has nothing to do with the music at all. It has to do with who is singing what to whom and why.<br /> “Mary Had a Little Lamb” can be a far more powerful hymn of praise and beauty than anything Luther or Wesley or Wren ever penned.<br /> So I sat in the glory and the beauty of that holiness, and tried not to blow my nose too loudly.<br /> At one of the interminable book-signings authors have to endure, a young man asked me, “What are the essential characteristics of a writer?”<br /> I have no idea. All I could say to the young man is that noticing God in the ordinary stuff is what makes me want to write. If I don’t write about it, the wonder and the glory of those ordinary moments disappear. When I write I remember them and sometimes learn their sacred secrets.<br /> The power of the ordinary almost overwhelm me sometimes when I read stories such as that of the woman who poured oil over Jesus’ feet. Somebody who was there saw what happened, heard Jesus’ reply, and recognized it as a holy moment.<br /> The story got told over and over in the early church, and people understood the holiness of that moment, even though they got all mixed up in the details and argued about whether it was Mary of Bethany, or Mary of Magdala, or some other Mary who did the pouring. And what Judas said and why he said it.<br /> But there was someone there the time it first happened – someone who could see the holiness in the ordinary – who had the soul of a writer. Or better yet, the soul of a story teller.<br /> And for that someone, I thank God.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor<br />Inevitable Progressions<br /> Among the bigger B.C. lakes, Okanagan Lake is unique. It has no major river feeding it.<br /> Perhaps for the same reason, it has no deep bays. When sudden storms lash the lake, boaters have few natural places to seek shelter.<br /> So regional authorities built a “safe harbour” in Okanagan Centre, just south of my home.<br /> When I first saw it, it had a breakwater, and not much else. Boaters launched fishing skiffs and light runabouts by backing their trailers down the gravel slope into the water.<br /> As time passed, the regional government rebuilt the breakwater with bigger pilings. They installed a concrete launching ramp. They paved the roadway. Regimented parking spaces replaced anarchy.<br /> And last summer, a commissionaire began locking the harbour’s gates at 11:00 each night, and re-opening them at 5:00 a.m. Overnight parkers got tickets, or had their vehicles towed.<br /> I’m not objecting to that change. Local residents had long lobbied for a means of controlling late-night parties and abuse of a free facility.<br /> But I also see a kind of inevitable progression taking place.<br /> I see the development of our little harbour as symbolic of all institutions. They evolve from practical simplicity towards a juggernaut that generates its own momentum.<br /> My unease came into sharper focus during a chance conversation with a university professor. Universities don’t produce educated persons any more, he lamented. They produce members of professions. The prerequisites and regulations for a course are now often twice as long as the course description itself.<br /> Students who want to broaden their perspectives, who want to take courses outside their professional assembly line, find themselves constantly running into bureaucratic roadblocks.<br /> Similarly, in the civil service, administrative concerns tend to replace service -- let alone civility.<br /> Parks intended to connect people with wildlife start protecting the wildlife from the people.<br /> Libraries keep valuable collections under lock and key. Museums move artifacts behind glass.<br /> Every major religion -- except perhaps Hinduism -- started as a reformation of some previous tradition. Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, Baha’i, Sikhism -- all slashed away an accumulation of doctrine and dogma to reduce the distinctions between men and women, clerics and laity.<br /> And then they started building a new hierarchy of authority and doctrine...<br /> Shortly before his death Jack Lakavitch attended a conference of churches in India, representing Canadian churches. Colonial India used to have a plethora of denominations cloned from European and American parents. After Independence, many of these denominations combined, seeking a structure that better reflected their belief about unity in Christ.<br /> It was a noble experiment. But over some 50 years, it too evolved -- at least, in Jack’s perception -- into structures as rigid as its mission antecedents.<br /> Jack lamented, “Why do all churches become more patriarchal as they age?”<br /> It could be argued, I suppose, that things move this direction because that’s the way they should be. Reformations and revolutions are the aberration; hierarchy is the norm.<br /> I prefer to think of reformations as recurring attempts to restore what we know intuitively is right.<br /> But history shows it’s much harder to sustain a reformation than to launch one.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Maria Nightingale of Burlington, Ontario says, “One of the line items in our church budget was listed as the ‘Rector's Discretionary Fun.’<br /> That’s good, Mary. Don’t change it. I think every Rector should have such a line item.<br /><br />Joe Harrington of Ringgold, Georgia got a note from the choir director to the effect that the opening hymn would be “Lift Every Vice and Sing.”<br /> Do you have a problem with that, Joe?<br /><br />Terry Fletcher “couldn't help grinning at the typo” in Rumors. "We were a couple of pretty tied puppies."<br /> Terry wonders if “you'd been through the Duty Free?”<br /><br />Kathryn Eddy of Stephenville, Newfoundland says her brain and her tongue were acting independently one Sunday when she was to lead the “Prayer for Transformation.” What came out was the “Prayer for transportation.” Her husband, who was in the choir, very quickly indicated, “I'd like a Cadillac."<br /><br />Mary Sweet of Atlanta, Georgia reports that on a bulletin cover for the sermon series "When Christians Get it Wrong", “that Sunday's focus was on Sexuality, and the Sermon was entitled ‘On Human Sexuality;’” But it read, "On Hyman Sexuality."<br /><br />Rev. Sue Channen of Grimsby, Ontario tells us that in the newsletter from their Member of Parliament, he refers to “Pre-Budget consolations with our Minister of Finance.”<br /> Sue, sometimes people are more accurate than they intend to be.<br /><br />If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<br /><br />Wish I’d Said That! – Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly.<br /> Mary ( in Oman)<br /><br />I do not at all understand the mystery of grace -- only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.<br /> Anne Lamott via Jim Taylor<br /><br />I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center<br /> Kurt Vonnegut via Jim Taylor<br /><br />The individuals of most species live long enough to reproduce and that's it. Humans live longer. As if there were some human survival value to grandparents. Ron McCreary via Carl Chamberlain<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />We Get Letters – Rene Wilbur reports: “During the children's sermon, one little guy spotted the offering plates on a nearby table, ran over to them and said, ‘What're these?’ Trying to regain control of the situation, I explained that they were plates that were going to be passed around the congregation later. The boy's eyes grew really big as he asked, ‘Are they going to have donuts and cookies on them?’"<br /><br />This letter came from Dave Towers before the Olympic hockey game.<br /> “Our Father, who art in GM Place, hockey be thy game, thy will be done, GOLD to be WON on ice as well as in the stands, give us this day our hockey sticks, and forgive us our penalties, as we forgive those who crosscheck against us. Lead us not into elimination but deliver us to victory, in the name of the fans, CANADA and the holy puck. AMEN! GO CANADA GO!”<br /> So Dave. A word to non-Canadians seems in order.<br /> Our team winning the Gold in Olympic hockey (both women’s and men’s) was to us a moral and spiritual victory. No, not all Canucks are hockey fans. In fact, most of us are not, especially NHL hockey which is a different thing entirely. But hockey has been printed into our national psyche on a million ponds and back-yard rinks and frozen toes thawing in front of oil-drum heaters. We invented it. It’s ours.<br /> So it really has nothing at all to do with superior skill. Beating us at our game is a form of larceny. Losing a hockey game to any team from any other country is just downright indecent. It’s immoral. To say nothing of embarrassing.<br /> The same is true of curling, though that’s more of a prairie phenomenon. The Scotts invented curling, but it grew and flourished in the long, cold winters in every small town between the Great Lakes and the Rockies. Us prairie chickens even think it’s immoral and indecent for an Ontario rink to win at curling, though we’re getting used to it.<br /> But when a women’s rink from China comes along and threatens to beat us at our own game we get more than a little upset. Especially when we have to admit there’s a bit of latent racism involved.<br /> So. Just thought all you poor non-Canadians should really understand what’s going on here.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “holy lightning!”)<br />All the Christian denominations were having a big ecumenical meeting in a church. Suddenly, lightning struck and the church caught on fire!<br />* The Methodists gathered in a corner and prayed for the fire to go out.<br />* The Baptists gathered in a different corner and prayed for rain.<br />* The Quakers gathered for silent meditation on the many benefits of fire.<br />* The Lutherans nailed a list of the ninety-five evils of fire to the church door.<br />* The Catholics passed the collection plate a second and third time to pay for the damage.<br />* The Episcopalians gathered up their incense and formed a dignified processional out the door.<br />* The Fundamentalists declared that the fire was God’s just wrath on everybody else.<br />* The Presbyterians elected a chairperson to appoint a committee to study the problem.<br />* And the United Church people shouted “Everyone for themselves!” and ran for the doors.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bottom of the Barrel – This from Stephani Keer who claims she got the story from her uncle. It’s not exactly religious humor, but I’m sure there’s a sermon illustration or at least a moral to be squeezed out of it.<br /> “I was driving happily along when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.<br /> “Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.<br /> “Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.<br /> “Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.”<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 12:1-8<br />Reader 1: I have a question.<br />Reader 2: Shoot! I know everything.<br />1: And the moon is made of green cheese. Yeah, I know. Seriously though. The story we are going to read today is in all four Gospels – Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. But they all tell it differently.<br />2: Actually, the moon is made of a white mozzarella that’s going kinda moldy.<br />1:As I said. You know everything. Seriously, why are there four versions of one story?<br />2: Don’t look at the differences. Look at what all four stories have in common.<br />1: Well, it’s a woman who washes Jesus’ feet with perfume and Jesus is moved by her kindness.<br />2: Exactly. That’s the story. Obviously the people who were there at the time were moved by what happened, and so the story got passed around in the early church. And in the process, details got changed and the story was told in different ways. They forgot some of the details and so made them up as they went along. But they all kept the core of the story. An incident that moved them deeply.<br />1: So that’s what we listen for.<br />2: Exactly. The center. Never mind the details.<br />1: OK. Let’s read it. It’s from the Gospel of John.<br />SLIGHT PAUSE<br />2: Six days before the Passover Jesus came to Bethany, the home of Lazarus, whom he had raised from the dead. There they gave a dinner for him. Martha served, and Lazarus was one of those at the table with him.<br />1: Mary took a pound of costly perfume made of pure nard, anointed Jesus' feet, and wiped them with her hair. The house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume.<br />2: But Judas Iscariot, one of his disciples (the one who was about to betray him), was annoyed.<br />1: "Why was this perfume not sold for three hundred denarii and the money given to the poor?"<br />2: Judas said this, not because he cared about the poor, but because he was a thief. He kept the common purse and used to steal what was put into it.<br /> Then Jesus spoke.<br />1: "Leave her alone. She bought it so that she might keep it for the day of my burial. You always have the poor with you, but you do not always have me."<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don't put anything else in that e-mail<br />To Unsubscribe:<br />* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.<br />Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-31093405334066461772010-03-03T10:47:00.000-08:002010-03-03T10:48:32.757-08:00Preaching materials for March 14th, 2010R U M O R S # 592<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2010-03-07<br /><br />March 7, 2010<br /><br />THE PRODIGAL FATHER<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Motto:<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />The Story – the dad who did everything wrong<br />Rumors – acting like God<br />Soft Edges –<br />Bloopers – leaving the “h” out of ashes<br />Mirabile Dictu! – butt dust<br />Bottom of the Barrel – did you get the letter?<br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 15:1-3, 11b-32<br />Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rib Tickler – this from Alan Craig who claims it was sent to him by a friend.<br /> Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven.<br /> When they get there, St. Peter says, "We have only one rule here in Heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"<br /> So the three women enter Heaven and, sure enough, there are ducks all over the place; it is almost impossible not to step on a duck.<br /> Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.<br /> Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"<br /> The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. St. Peter chains them together with the same admonishment he gave the first woman.<br /> The third woman observed all this and, not wanting to be chained to an ugly man for all eternity is very, very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, One day, St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on – very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.<br /> The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"<br /> "I don't know about you,” says the man. “But I stepped on a duck."<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><a name="OLE_LINK2"></a><a name="OLE_LINK1"> </a><br />Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, March 14th, which is the fourth Sunday of Lent.<br />* Joshua 5:9-12<br />* Psalm 32<br />* 2 Corinthians 5:16-21<br />* Luke 15:1-3, 11b-32<br /><br />The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Luke 15:1-3, 11b-32<br /><br />Jim says –<br /> There’s an enormous temptation to talk _about_ this famous parable, rather than to tell the story itself. It seems to me, at least, that this story is the foundation of what Marcus Borg calls “the emerging paradigm,” the conviction that God is a God of love not of judgement. If the loving father represents a loving God, he doesn’t even judge the elder brother, but sorrows at the brother’s anger.<br /> But that would turn the sermon into a lecture on systematic theology.<br /> The story deserves to be told, and understood, as a story.<br /> So I would tell it again, supplementing it as necessary with some exegesis of the biblical customs that the father violated so flagrantly in rushing to greet the son who had disgraced his family’s reputation.<br /> Every story should resonate in a personal context. I would focus on the welcome given to the prodigal by the father. As a child who grew up in a foreign culture, as an only child, I have a great need to be welcomed into community, to be accepted for what I am, without conditions, without reservations. That’s where the biblical story reaches out, grabs me by my lapels, and says, “Listen up, buddy! This is about you!”<br /><br />Ralph says –<br /> So I should have something new and different to say about the Parable of the Prodigal? It’s been written about, sung about, painted about, argued about since about 15 minutes after Jesus told the story.<br /> So again I go back to a classic piece of writing by Henri Nouwen, “The Return of the Prodigal Son,” which isn’t about the parable but about Rembrandt’s painting, “The Prodigal Son.”<br /> Nouwen is writing for men. Males. (Which of course means that more women than men have read the book.) And the thing that pops into my memory from reading the book several years ago is this. Nouwen says that each man is called to move through all three characters in the story – the wayward, the older brother, and the father.<br /> Which would be a lot easier for me to handle if it were not clear that in his telling of the story, Jesus intended that in the character of the dad we see God. And all kinds of alarm bells go off in my head when I’m tempted to think of myself as God.<br /> The ultimate arrogance!<br /> But that’s exactly where Nouwen wants us to go, especially old buzzards like me with a skin six sizes too big hanging loose all over our bodies. Because if we stop protesting long enough to think about it, Nouwen wants us to do some radical rethinking of what we think God is like and what we, as older men are called to be. (Maybe older women too, but that’s not for me to figure out.)<br /> And therein would be at least a book or two on the subject by someone with a lot more smarts than I have. I think it would have to do with taking responsibilities for our actions many of which are god-like, in the sense that we have to make god-like judgments about what is good and what is bad, what is ugly and what is beautiful, what will cause pain and what will bring joy. We’ve been doing this all our lives, but now in our dotage, we dimly see that this is what we are doing.<br /> More importantly, we are called to reach out in love and acceptance to those who have messed up their lives by stepping over all the lines and those who have messed up their lives by never stepping over any.<br /> We humans act as God’s surrogate in the little corner of life that’s given to us. But it’s mostly in our “declining” years that we have the courage to accept that, and perhaps even to celebrate our calling.<br /><br />* Joshua 5:9-12 – Winners get to write the history. European adventurers came to the Americas and displaced the aboriginal peoples. The Israelites came to Canaan and displaced the tribes already there. Both the Europeans and the Israelites shaped the story to justify their own actions.<br /> For the Israelites, entry into Canaan was a release from the desert, from homelessness, from the shame of slavery. They saw their past as punishment for sin.<br /> The Canaanite tribes may have wondered what sin they were being punished for.<br /><br />Psalm 32 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor<br />1 A great load of guilt hangs around my neck<br />like a millstone strung on fine steel wire.<br />If someone would free me from my burden, I would be so happy.<br />2 That would be almost as good as never having slipped,<br />as good as not having failed in the first place.<br />3 Can you imagine what it's like never being able to stand up straight?<br />I have become a wasted cripple, my body bowed by tensions.<br />4 My bones are brittle as twigs scorched by the summer sun;<br />When I try to sleep, a gigantic pillow suffocates me.<br />5 But you gave me a second chance.<br />I confessed; I didn't try to hide anything.<br />I poured out my soul to you, and you forgave me.<br />You cut the string and freed me.<br />6 Without my millstone of guilt, I feel light as a feather.<br />I can float; I can rise above a torrent of troubles.<br />7 God, I can trust you completely, because you trusted me.<br />Wrapped in your arms, I feel safe as a baby, murmuring to its mother.<br />8 And God replies: "I will teach you my ways.<br />I will share my wisdom with you.<br />I will watch over you, and keep you safe.<br />9 I do not expect you to obey blindly, without understanding.<br />You are intelligent creatures, not sheep.<br />You do not need reins to guide you;<br />you can learn the right road."<br />10 The millstones of sin still burden many,<br />but those who trust God have been set free.<br />11 They shout with relief for they have been saved;<br />Their hearts have been scrubbed clean;<br />they can stand straight again.<br /> From: Everyday Psalms<br /> Wood Lake Publications.<br /> For details, go to <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a><br /><br />2 Corinthians 5:16-21 – In this passage, Paul rings some of the great themes of the Christian scriptures. The preacher faces a choice. You can’t deal adequately with these and the prodigal parable in the same sermon. I would leave out one or the other, and as you’ve already seen, I’ve plunked down on the story. I don’t claim any great insight or wisdom on this. It’s simply that stories always speak to me more strongly, especially this one.<br /><br />We might tend to assume that people in the congregation know the familiar prodigal parable. This would have been true once, but no longer. For that reason, I suggest you read the prodigal story from “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C,” to the children while they are still in church. Then later in the service, when the scripture is read, the adults will hear the story more fully. It’s on page 100, and it’s called, “A Loving Father.”<br /> There’s also a paraphrase of Psalm 32 on page 99 called “I’m Happy Again.”<br /> If you don’t already own the full set for each of the three years in the Lectionary cycle, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a>, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”<br /> <a href="http://tinyurl.com/2lonod">http://tinyurl.com/2lonod</a><br /> Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rumors – In the musical, Fiddler on the Roof, Tevya says to his wife, Golda, "Golda, do you love me?"<br /> She's too busy for such frivolities. All this housework to do and he's getting mushy. "Go lie down," she says. "You'll feel better after awhile."<br /> But he persists. "The first time I met you was on our wedding day." Tevya tells Golda how frightened he was, but his own mother and father had said to him that over the years they would grow to love each other. "So now I ask you. Do you love me?"<br /> Golda begins to think out loud. "For twenty-five years I've lived with him, fought with him, starved with him. If that isn't love, what is?"<br /> Tevya brightens. "Then you love me?"<br /> "I suppose I do," she acknowledges.<br /> Together they sing. "It doesn't change a thing. But after 25 years, it's nice to know."<br /> Fiddler on the Roof is about Tevya and Golda, who are the "older brothers" in the prodigal parable, and about their daughters who are all "younger sons" in one way or another. All of them move outside the norms and conventions and, during a period of history when everything was in flux, keep pushing at the edges of the tradition Tevya and Golda value so deeply, a tradition that "tells us who we are and what God expects us to do."<br /> But Tevya and Golda are also God in the parable. Because in the end, against their own instincts, against the conventions of the community and the power of the tradition, they finally act on their love.<br /> I've fought with the parable of the prodigal for years. During our time in the Philippines, I taught drama at Silliman University for awhile. One of my students asked if he could produce his version of the Prodigal story. It seemed safe enough, so I said, "Sure."<br /> When I went to see a rehearsal I was both surprised and amused. The half-hour play spent 5 minutes on the altercation between youngest son and father, 5 minutes on the homecoming, and the loudest, most spectacular 20 minutes on the "far country."<br /> The spectacular sins get far more ink. And yes, I am frankly jealous of the attention the glitterati receive, not because they work harder or are more capable, but simply because they are more spectacular. The media make no distinction between a hero and a star. This was profoundly illustrated in the contrast between Princess Di and Mother Theresa when they died some years ago.<br /> I wonder how Jesus told the Prodigal story originally. Did the older brother get a better showing? Did the lip-smacking treatment of the younger son creep in as the parable was retold in the early church? Who did Jesus identify with in the story? All three main characters, probably, because it’s really a universal parable. Whenever I’ve been in a group discussing this, all of us, women and men, have related to the various characters in different ways, and often very personally.<br /> As I mentioned earlier, we are called to enter into the lives of all three characters. Especially into the person of the parent. Not a rule enforcing judgmental parent, but one who races toward that no-good child. A parent who shocks all the neighbors but doesn’t give a hoot. A parent who has only one thought about that child and that is joy at the homecoming. A parent who has only one thing to give and that is unconditional love.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor<br />Getting It Wrong<br /> I’ll start with a correction. Nathan Piché’s memorial bench on the waterfront of Okanagan Lake is not illegal, as I suggested in last week’s column.<br /> Steve Schaffrick, Director of Parks and Recreation for the District of Lake Country (DLC), corrected me in an e-mail. “The cost of the bench was picked up by friends of the family,” he explained, “but we bought and installed the bench, so the DLC owns it. This is significantly different from the private docks and structures that we removed from the Greenspace, as those were private [and] not approved by the DLC.”<br /> I was wrong. I should have called Steve before rushing to meet my deadline, but I didn’t.<br /> Obviously, therefore, my speculation about the origins of the bench was also unfounded and ill-advised.<br /> I don’t like being wrong. I don’t know anyone who does.<br /> But as I examined my own reactions, I started wondering why it’s so hard for most of us – including me – to admit when we might have been wrong.<br /> Because, in fact, getting it wrong is how we learn to get it right.<br /> I know, that assertion runs contrary to common sense. We think we learn by getting it right. “Practice makes perfect,” we say.<br /> We forget how many times a child has to fall before he learns to walk. How many times a child struggles with recalcitrant shoelaces before she learns to tie a bow. How many times a violinist must rehearse a concerto to get all those notes just right...<br /> We learn from our mistakes. That’s not an invitation to make mistakes. Certainly not for a neurosurgeon slicing into your brain. Or an engineer, building a bridge you’ll drive across.<br /> Naturally, we all want to make as few mistakes as possible. But the two greatest mistakes we can make are<br />– to pretend we never make mistakes;<br />– to refuse to learn from the mistakes we do make.<br /> As we age, we develop routines that help us avoid embarrassment and humiliation. Not because we’re smarter. But because when we stick with the tried and true, our slips are less frequent, less exposed.<br /> Thus, repetition teaches us how to drive a car or operate a debit card.<br /> Familiar patterns may even keep some relationships on the rails.<br /> But entrenched mental habits can be deadly. Even when contrary evidence piles up, we tend to cling tenaciously to long-held convictions. We refuse to consider the possibility of being wrong.<br /> Indeed, the more a contrary viewpoint achieves prominence, the more some people insist that no one else can sift the truth from a fog of propaganda and conspiracy.<br /> We act like parents, watching troops march past, assuring each other, “The whole army’s out of step but our John!”<br /> And when convictions are built on theology, ideology, politics, or ancient grievances, we’re even less likely to admit we might have been wrong. We cannot – or will not – see the issue any other way.<br /> In that context, recognizing that one was wrong would be a major step forward.<br /> But nobody ever promised it would be easy.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – April Dailey of Ford City, Pennsylvania says she recently heard of priest preparing the ashes for Ash Weds. The priest prayed aloud:<br />"Bless, O Father these ashes..." But he left out the all important “H”.<br /> April, I am sure you and many other clergy have been tempted to offer such a prayer over your congregation. Without the “h.”<br /><br />Leslie Latham of Randolph, New York says they caught this one before it was printed. Pity.<br />"The Cooperative Extinction will be meeting on Monday, 9-3.<br /><br />Jean Gregson of Langley, British Columbia spotted this on a website.<br />“Music is a valued ministry and a vital part of whorship at our church.”<br /><br />If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<br /><br />Wish I’d Said That! – Argument is set by the answers, but conversation by the questions.<br /> Martin Marty via Jim Taylor<br /><br />Procrastination is attitude's natural assassin. There is nothing so fatiguing as an uncompleted task.<br /> William James via Jim Spinks<br /><br />People will love and remember you, not for what you do but for how you make them feel about themselves.<br /> Source unknown via Margaret Wood<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Butt Dust!”)<br />Margaret Wood sends along this collection of childhood wisdom and insight. Some have been around before, but they’re worth chuckling over again.<br /><br />* Brittany had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'<br /><br />* Young Douglas stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'<br /><br />* Little Clinton was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'<br /><br />* Mark was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'<br /><br />* Tammy was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'<br /><br />* James was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'<br /><br />* 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust.'<br /> He would have continued but at that moment a child asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bottom of the Barrel – Alan Clark, and his accomplice, George Brigham, Retford, Nottinghamshire, England, should hang their heads over this one.<br /> One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on. <br /> So God called St. Michael and sent him to Earth for a time.<br /> When Michael returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.<br /> God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send a second Archangel down to get another opinion.'<br /> So God sent St. Gabriel to Earth for a time. When Gabriel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'<br /> God was not pleased and decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going.<br /> Do you know what the e-mail said? I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre –<br />Luke 15:1-3, 11b-32 –<br />Reader 1: I love this story. I’ve heard it so often I can almost recite it from memory, but I learn something new out of it every time.<br />Reader 2: But as so often happens, the authorities were mad at Jesus for what he was saying and doing, and so he makes up a story to tell them, a parable, and that makes them even madder.<br />1: Jesus was swimming up-stream. Then and now. And if you take what he says seriously, you’ll be swimming up-stream too.<br />2: Is it true that Jesus was meaning to represent God in the character of the father?<br />1: Yes, for sure. And isn’t it interesting that the father in the story doesn’t act the way a parent should have acted, then or now. And most of us, if we are really honest about it, would identify most with the elder brother who gets into a jealous snit about how his younger brother is welcomed home.<br />2: So let’s read it. I’ll be the narrator, and you can be the various characters in the story.<br />1: And listen up, folks. This story is about you!<br />SLIGHT PAUSE<br />2: Now all the tax collectors and sinners were coming near to listen to Jesus. And the Pharisees and the scribes were grumbling about it.<br />1: "This fellow welcomes sinners and eats with them."<br />2: So Jesus told them this parable:<br /> "There was a man who had two sons. The younger of them spoke to his father.<br />1: 'Father, give me the share of the property that will belong to me.'<br />2: So the father divided his property between them. A few days later the younger son gathered all he had and traveled to a distant country, and there he squandered his property in dissolute living.<br /> When he had spent everything, a severe famine took place throughout that country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed the pigs. He would gladly have filled himself with the pods that the pigs were eating; and no one gave him anything. But then he came to himself.<br />1: 'How many of my father's hired hands have bread enough and to spare, but here I am dying of hunger! I will get up and go to my father, and I will say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; treat me like one of your hired hands."'<br />2: So the younger son set off and went to his father. But while he was still far off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion; he ran and put his arms around him and kissed him.<br />1: 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son.'<br />2: But the father interrupted and called to his slaves.<br />1: 'Quickly, bring out a robe – the best one – and put it on him; put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. And get the fatted calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate; for this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found!' And they began to celebrate.<br />2: Now his elder son was in the field; and when he came and approached the house, he heard music and dancing. He called one of the slaves and asked what was going on.<br />1: 'Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fatted calf, because he has got him back safe and sound.'<br />2: Then the elder brother became angry and refused to go in. His father came out and began to plead with him. But elder brother answered his father.<br />1: 'Listen! For all these years I have been working like a slave for you, and I have never disobeyed your command; yet you have never given me even a young goat so that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came back, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fatted calf for him!'<br />2: Then the father spoke gently to his eldest child.<br />1: 'Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. But we had to celebrate and rejoice, because this brother of yours was dead and has come to life; he was lost and has been found.'"<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don't put anything else in that e-mail<br />To Unsubscribe:<br />* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.<br />Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-76622658380162683172010-02-27T12:11:00.000-08:002010-02-27T12:12:28.995-08:00Preaching Materials for March 7, 2010R U M O R S # 591<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2010-02-28<br /><br />February 28th, 2010<br /><br />A PUNISHING GOD?<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Motto:<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />It’s good to be back home.<br /> The last five issues were written ahead of time, and with a bit of help from Jim Taylor (Thanks Jim!) went out on schedule. Bev and I were on bored a ship (no, that’s not a miss-spelling) which offers Wi-Fi e-mail but it is a hopelessly clunky and expensive system. 75 cents a minute!<br /> So I saved your assorted missives and will respond as soon as I can but there was a mountain of stuff waiting to be done when we got home and its getting toward tax time and I caught a doozer of a cold and, and, and…..<br /> I should hastily add that the cruise was really quite good. As was the weather.<br /> There were a fair number of dead people on board, but also some very interesting folks and some powerful and useful things to see and do at the various ports.<br /> The main objective, to get Bev into the sunshine she so desperately needs in winter, was accomplished.<br /><br />*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />The Story – rest assured<br />Rumors – teaching moments<br />Soft Edges – fear of being forgotten<br />Bloopers – boa conscriptor<br />Mirabile Dictu! – for whom the Tells bowled<br />Bottom of the Barrel – Sorry. Didn’t manage to get to the bottom.<br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Sorry. There’s no Reader’s Theatre this week.<br />Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rib Tickler – These delightful giggles from Stephani Keer<br /><br />Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'<br /> '98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'<br /> 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.<br /> The old crone shone her wrinkles at the neat, young mortician. 'Hardly worth going home, is it?<br /><br /> Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?'<br /> She smiled at the youthful reporter. 'No peer pressure.'<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, March 7th, which is the Third Sunday of Lent.<br />* Isaiah 55:1-9<br />* Psalm 63:1-8<br />* 1 Corinthians 10:1-13<br />* Luke 13:1-9<br /><br /><a name="OLE_LINK1">The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Luke 13:1-9</a><br />Jim says –<br /> I’d love to read Luke’s mind, whoever he or she really was. I’d love to know why Luke put these two stories in sequence. Because I see them presenting opposite messages.<br /> The parable of the fig tree is about getting a second chance. The fig tree has failed its purpose. For three years, it has produced no fruit. But, thanks to the pleading of the gardener, it gets another chance.<br /> The preceding verses sound more like judgment. Yes, Jesus denies the common belief that suffering was punishment for sin. Whether the suffering came from human agency (Herod) or natural causes (the tower that collapsed), these people were not singled out by God because of their sins.<br /> Nevertheless, Jesus repeats, “You will all perish as they did, unless you repent.”<br /> I find myself turning to Isaiah for comfort and consolation: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”<br /> With that assurance, I am willing to rest content.<br /><br />Ralph says –<br />The story to work on for this Sunday is quite clearly in the gospel – the parable of the barren fig tree. Paul seems to be telling us that if you don’t do right, God’ll get you. In other words all sinners deserve the death penalty.<br /> I don’t know about you, but I know I wouldn’t be here if that were true. But I take comfort in the words of Isaiah who says God will “abundantly pardon,” and in the teachings of the 14th century mystic, Julian of Norwich, who proclaimed that God has only one characteristic and that is love. That love is so great, that God really can’t do anything except forgive our sins even before we commit them. And the punishment for the sin is built into the sin itself.<br /> I like the parable of the barren fig tree. It’s not doing anything except “wasting the soil.” But the gardener (who would that be?) thinks a good feeding of manure might just make the world of difference.<br /> City folks like us tend to think of manure (human as well as animal) as a waste product that is smelly and awful but country people think of manure as a useful by-product which, if wisely used, helps things grow. Someone once commented that manure, if it is piled up high, becomes a stinking waste, but if it is spread thinly and wisely, it is a source of life. One of the best sermons I ever heard was at a minister’s induction. It was called, “Manuring the Kingdom.” It made the points mentioned above, but also pointed out that even if a worship service is mostly BS, it can still help you grow.<br /><br />Isaiah 55:1-9 – This is another one of those beautiful, poetic passages in Isaiah who reminds us that God’s grace is there for the taking. It requires nothing but an open mind and an open heart. And if that is hard to believe, he tells us that’s ok because we simply don’t have the marbles to think like God. So take the gift and be grateful, and stop trying to analyze everything.<br /><br />Psalm 63:1-8 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor<br />Why do we need downtown churches? Because a few people come there to seek sanctuary.<br />1 Crowds of people crush me.<br />They bump and bounce my mind;<br />they break my concentration.<br />I feel like nothing more than a means to an end, merely a cog in the machinery.<br />I long for the gentle touch of loving fingers, the intimate whisper of acceptance.<br />2 So I have come looking for you, Lord, in your holy places.<br />3 In this dimmed light, in this hushed silence, I sense your presence.<br />4 I wish I could feel you as near me in the rabid frenzy of life in the city core.<br />I want to reach out and touch you in the marketplace as well as the chancel.<br />5 Then I will not feel alone; you will be part of every thought and every breath.<br />6 I will know you at my desk and in my den, in my bed and in my bathtub.<br />7 Nothing will come between us.<br />8 And I will hold you close in the forest of my fears.<br /> From: Everyday Psalms<br /> Wood Lake Publications.<br /> For details, go to <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a><br /><br />1 Corinthians 10:1-13 – I’m sorry, but I simply can’t believe that God wipes out whole batches of people because they sinned. And the final verse in this reading also bothers me because I know of genuinely good people – and yes, I realize that’s my evaluation, not God’s – who have suffered to the point where they were physically and emotionally destroyed. Nor do I believe that God sends suffering as punishment for sins.<br /> I know it upsets some of you when I take issue with the scripture, but I believe we are called to bring our intellect and our life experiences into our reading of the Bible. When I do that, it seems to me that in this instance, Paul struck out.<br /> Isaiah reminded us that we can’t follow God’s thoughts. Which I think is true. And that applies to all of us, Paul included.<br /><br />A children’s version of the Isaiah passage called “You Can’t Buy Love” may be found on page 93 of “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C.” And on page 96, you’ll find a children’s version of the gospel passage called “God Doesn’t Do Things Like That.”<br /> Many preachers find it really useful to read one of these children’s versions of the key lection, to the children of course. But it also helps the adults who are much more able to grasp the passage when read from the Bible later in the service.<br /> If you don’t already own a copy of this useful resource, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a>, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”<br /> <a href="http://tinyurl.com/2lonod">http://tinyurl.com/2lonod</a><br /> Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rumors – As noted above, Bev and I just got back from a rather long cruise. Getting her out of our gray Okanagan winter skies into some sunshine seems increasingly necessary for her assortment of chronic illnesses.<br /> Getting back home was not without its teaching moments. We were having dinner in a nice little restaurant in San Diego when out of the blue, the chair I was sitting on collapsed, and I landed on the floor whanging my head on a nearby cupboard in the process.<br /> Half the people in the little restaurant came rushing to my aid. But I wasn’t hurt. Not even my head. After a bit of dusting off and a new chair we continued our meal. But the owner of the restaurant was convinced, and is probably still convinced, that I would sue him and put him out of business, even though I told him I planned nothing of the kind. I didn’t use the word “forgiveness,” but that’s the essence of what I said to him. He couldn’t believe it. He may still be lying awake nights waiting for a call from the team of high-priced lawyers I’ve assembled to take every nickel he has.<br /> When Bev and I got as far as Vancouver, I suddenly realized that I couldn’t remember where I had put the key to our house. We spent the first night home in a motel before I suddenly remembered. I had put the key in my fanny pack in an obvious and logical place, but the fanny pack was out of sight at the bottom of a suitcase.<br /> We were a couple of pretty tied puppies when we finally got into our house. Bev teased me about the key a bit, but it didn’t occur to me to ask her for forgiveness or for her to offer it. My stupidity was forgiven long before the incident happened, because we live in a state of forgiveness.<br /> I know that’s kind of pale and weak compared to the state of forgiveness we live with God. But we learn from the life we live, and such incidents help instruct us and remind us of that wondrous reality.<br /> We are forgiven. Thanks be to God.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor<br />By Jim Taylor<br />Fear of Being Forgotten<br />A shiny new park bench appeared on a beach by the lake.<br /> The seat and back are polished concrete. The frame is cast iron, bolted down to a concrete pad.<br /> It’s a nice bench, a comfortable place to sit, looking out across a little bay to the hills on the far side of the lake.<br /> The bench is a memorial to a 20-year-old son who died a little less than a year ago.<br /> It’s also illegal. The bench sits on public parkland. Last year the municipality went to considerable expense – and controversy – to remove all unlicensed docks, campfire rings, and other structures. The parent who erected this memorial has not always enjoyed amicable relationships with municipal bureaucrats.<br /> So I doubt if they gave permission to erect this memorial bench along the shore. I could be wrong, of course. But who’s going to protest a grieving father’s last symbolic gesture to his son? Certainly not me. My wife and I lost our son 27 years ago; the wound still remains raw.<br /> What interests me – about this memorial, but also about others – is our human compulsion to leave something permanent behind. A park bench, at an appropriate location, with a suitable plaque mounted on it. A bursary or scholarship. A book. A building...<br /> Something, anything, that will outlast the donor.<br /> Some wit caustically called this compulsion an “edifice complex.” Wealthy philanthropists fund a concert hall, a university faculty, a church... Less affluent families plant a tree, a memorial garden...<br /> The Holy Land takes this compulsion to an extreme. Every site of any significance seems to have a church built on top of it.<br /> The “edifice complex” is even recorded in scripture. At the miracle known as the Transfiguration, when Jesus appeared with a pair of long-dead predecessors, an awestruck Peter blurted, “Let us build three dwellings here, one for you, one for Moses, and one for Elijah.”<br /> Our compulsion to leave something permanent probably starts with a fear of being forgotten. “Life’s but a walking shadow,” Shakespeare mused, “a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more.”<br /> Memories are mortal, after all. In “Funeral for a Stranger,” Becca Stevens pondered, “Not only are we dust, but our memories are dust... Our memories are as fragile as the neurons that carry them.”<br /> And then she makes an enormous leap: “One of the beautiful things about sacred texts is that they remind us we are not forgotten; we will be remembered by God.<br /> “Heaven is God’s memory. We are preserved in the memory of love that is big enough to contain all creation, for all time. No one is forgotten, because everyone is beloved.”<br /> As regular readers will know, I have trouble with many conventional images of heaven. Streets paved with gold and long white nightgowns fail to attract me.<br /> But to be cherished forever, in a memory that will never fade – that, to quote Shakespeare again, is indeed “a consummation devoutly to be wished.”<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – On our recent junket we heard a tour guide referring to a large snake as a “boa conscriptor.” Made us think of some of the way some folks get volunteers in our churches.<br /><br />Trevor Quinn wonders: If your memory (like mine) is full of holes, would it be holy?<br /><br />Jane Millikan or Fargo, North Dakota writes: “Our pastor was at home with a cold last week. The secretary called him for bulletin details. “The sermon title will be ‘The Prophetic Voice’,” he rasped thru his sore throat.<br /> On Sunday morning the sermon title was in the bulletin as "The Pathetic Voice."And our pastor had an extra sermon illustration!<br /><br />Claire Phillips-Orate of Deming, New Mexico saw this in her church bulletin. "The project assigned to the UMW and UMM was to deliver holiday fits to those who would be working on Christmas Eve, away from their family and friends."<br /> Claire adds that (unfortunately, in my opinion) the error was caught before it went to publication.<br /><br />If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<br /><br />Wish I’d Said That! – You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.<br /> Winston Churchill via Cliff Boldt<br /><br />I dream of the day when the beauty of a piece of theological writing is deemed no less important than its accuracy, for how could one speak well of God in ugly prose?<br /> Nicholas Lash via Jim Taylor<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “for whom the Tells bowled!”)<br />These brain-numbers from Doris Gist<br /><br />King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.<br /> "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it," Croesus said.<br /> "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"<br /> To which Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."<br /><br />Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire. So we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.<br /><br />A man rushes into a busy doctor's office and screams, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking! I think I’m shrinking!"<br /> "Now, settle down,” says the doctor. You'll just have to be a little patient."<br /><br />A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.<br /> One day, the biologist’s supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. <br /> Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.<br /><br />Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used the watches to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.<br /> This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tate's is lost!"<br /><br />A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. <br /> A police spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."<br /><br />A tribal chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine woman. After a brief examination, the medicine woman took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. <br /> After a month, the medicine woman returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."<br /><br />A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bottom of the Barrel – Didn’t manage to get to the bottom this week. Barely managed to skim along the top.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Sorry. I simply didn’t have the time or energy to $do it for this week. I’ll try to mend my ways for next week. Thanks for understanding.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don't put anything else in that e-mail<br />To Unsubscribe:<br />* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.<br />Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-77479464521297686592010-01-14T11:20:00.001-08:002010-01-14T11:20:59.902-08:00Preaching Materials for February 28th, 2010R U M O R S # 590<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2010-02-21<br /><br />February 21, 2010<br /><br />A MOTHER HEN AND HER CHICKS<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Motto:<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />If you’ve been holding back on your letters until Bev and I got back from our sun soaking session, now’s the time to let ‘em go. We’re back.<br /> Please put something like “Rumors” on the subject line so the spam filters don’t get twitchy, and give me your name and where you are from – even if this is the 4987th time you written. My memory is full of holes.<br /><br />*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />The Story – prod and twist the story<br />Rumors – Jesus was a sissy<br />Soft Edges –<br />Bloopers – not afflicted by a church<br />Mirabile Dictu! – Tom Swifties<br />Bottom of the Barrel – the spirit in which it was given<br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 13:31-35<br />Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rib Tickler –<br />Q: Why is it that chicken’s can’t talk?<br />A: Because God doesn’t like fowl language!<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, February 28th, which is the second Sunday of Lent.<br />* Genesis 15:1-12, 17-18<br />* Psalm 27<br />* Philippians 3:17-4:1<br />* Luke 13:31-35 or Luke 9:28-36, (37-43)<br /><br />The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Luke 13:31-35<br /> There’s a temptation to go with the Abraham story and that grisly business of chopping all those animals in two. The alternate reading in Luke is the transfiguration story, but I can’t resist the tender image of the hen and her chicks.<br /><br />Ralph says –<br />Feminine images are rather sparse in the Bible. I remember the image in Luke 13:34 every spring as I walk along our creek and delight in the clutches of fuzzy ducklings feeding along the edge of the water under the steady eye of the mama duck.<br /> Sometimes at dusk we’d see mama duck tucking her babies under her wings where they will be as warm and safe as it is possible for wild ducks to be.<br /> It is heartbreaking sometimes when a single duckling becomes separated from the clutch and goes whistling frantically for mama who is nowhere in sight. And when it spies Bev and I on the pathway, it goes skimming along the water in a desperate attempt to escape.<br /> We always want to re-united it with its mother. But mostly that’s impossible because we don’t know where mother duck is either. When we’ve been successful, it is by scaring the little bird to run away from us in the direction of the mother.<br /> We probably have to prod and twist that story of the ducklings too far to make it a useful parable. Except perhaps to help us know that sometimes our desperate run from perceived but unreal danger may lead us back into the arms of a loving God.<br /><br />Genesis 15:1-12, 17-18 – Some commentators waste a lot of precious ink and paper trying to explain that business of the animals cut in half and laid out in a row. It is an obscure and ancient ritual intended to please a God who demanded sacrifice. Let’s leave it there.<br /> The legend has value for us because it is about faithfulness in the face of negative evidence. It could be a valuable story for congregations facing declining membership.<br /><br />Psalm 27:1-6– paraphrased by Jim Taylor<br />The same week that a friend was to be married, she was diagnosed with cancer.<br />1 In the darkness of the night I lie awake and tremble.<br />But with the dawn, fears fade away.<br />When I can see with my own eyes that there is nothing to be afraid of,<br />why should I fear?<br />If I could see with God's eyes, I would know I have nothing to fear.<br />2. No, not even if scalpels carve up my flesh,<br />even if treatment poison my body,<br />I have nothing to fear.<br />Malignant forces that might harm me will surely self-destruct;<br />By their own rapacious appetites, they will destroy themselves.<br />3 Though fate stacks the deck against me,<br />I will not despair.<br />Though tumors grow within me,<br />Yet I will remain confident, as long as you are with me.<br /><br />4 I have only one desire, one goal in life:<br />I want to be part of your family.<br />I want to look along the thanksgiving table<br />and to feel the bonds of kinship--<br />with my cousins, my ancestors, my descendents.<br />5 Within that family I can feel safe.<br />I can hide my face in my mother's skirts;<br />I can rest my head on my son's shoulder.<br />6 Within that family, I need no longer fear what anyone thinks of me;<br />I can sing and dance;<br />I can be the joyful child that you created.<br /> From: Everyday Psalms<br /> Wood Lake Publications.<br /> For details, go to <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a><br /><br />Philippians 3:17-4:1 – This passage also speaks to the question of faithfulness in the face of overwhelming evidence. It’s the evidence of declining membership that is most difficult for us. We look at some of the more successful conservative and fundamentalist groups and it seems they have simply baptized consumerism so that membership in their churches is easy and comfortable for those who flock to their entertaining worship.<br /> In the face of all that, faithfulness is hard. Very hard.<br /> But for many of us, that faithfulness is following the only path we can walk.<br /><br />“Paul and the Church in Philippi” is a children’s version of the Philippians passage which you can find in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C,” page 89. ‘The Poor People of Jerusalem,” on page 91 is based on the Luke passage.<br /> There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a>, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”<br /> <a href="http://tinyurl.com/2lonod">http://tinyurl.com/2lonod</a><br /> Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rumors – As Rosemary Haughton points out in her book “Tales from Eternity,” Jesus was a sissy. There’s no getting around it. He cried in public, he loved flowers, he liked to play with babies, and when people came up and said insulting things, He’d give gentle answers.<br /> Jesus was not your typical “he-man.” He was singularly lacking in “macho.” In a real sense, he was “gentle Jesus, meek and mild,” even though I’ve always disliked that phrase. It’s true, Jesus spent 40 days in the wilderness and for that he had to be physically tough. He could get mad and drive out the moneychangers.<br /> That’s not the point.<br /> The fact is that a very important aspect of his personality was what our culture would probably describe as “feminine.” As Rosemary says, “no progress can be made in holiness by either the individual or the churches, unless both men and women are willing to release the captive princess, the ‘feminine’ side of human nature.”<br /> Of course it’s wrong to call certain qualities “feminine” and others “masculine.” They are all human qualities and exist in both sexes. But the idea that real strength is found in tenderness and weakness is, I think, central to the concept of what it means to be Christian and what it means to be fully human.<br /> It’s an idea that scares many men silly. It threatens all our cultural ideas of what “masculinity” really means.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor<br /><br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – It’s wonderful what gets typed into bulletins. It’s too bad so much of it gets found and corrected.<br />* As we move into the new worship center we want to ask everyone to avoid carrying food or drink (coffee, soft drinks, candy, pot, etc.) into the sanctuary.<br />* The outreach committee has enlisted 25 volunteers to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.<br />* Parents are asked to remind their children to be on their pest behavior.<br /><br />If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<br /><br />Wish I’d Said That! –<br />People run away far quicker than they come towards you.<br /> Paul Gambaccini via George Brigham<br /><br />Jim Taylor sent along these quotes and comments.<br /> “When bad [people] combine, the good must associate; else they will fall, one by one, an un-pitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.”<br /> That is by Edmund Burke from his essay: ‘Thoughts on the Cause of the Present Discontents’. It is often mis-quoted as:<br />“All that’s necessary for the forces of evil to win in the world is for enough good [people] to do nothing.”<br /><br />“The hottest fires in hell are reserved for those who remain neutral in times of moral crisis”<br /> Edmond Burke – again, with some dispute on the actual original quote.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Tom Swifties!”)<br /> To chase away the February blah’s here’s a bit on Tom Swifties. If you are the preachifying type, the challenge is to work some of these into the homily to see if anybody notices.<br /> Tom Swifties are a step lower than the pun. Worse then that, they are addictive. What’s a Tom Swifty? I’m glad you asked. An example: “I ordered chocolate, not a vanilla sundae,” I screamed.<br /><br /> Now imagine (if you dare) a clergy couple making a house call.<br /> “Ring the bell,” she snapped.<br /> “I already did,” he harangued.<br /> “Welcome and come in. What’s your sermon topic tomorrow?” the man of the house divined reverently.<br /> “We haven’t decided,” he faltered demurely.<br /> “But the choir will perform,” she chimed.<br /> “I’m afraid I won’t be there,” the man said absently.<br /> “That’s too bad, but what about next Sunday? “she asked weakly.<br /> “I have to get up too early,” the man mourned, “and the beagles have to be fed,” he added dogmatically.<br /> (“Those aren’t beagles, they’re mongrels,” she muttered.)<br /> “But you need an occasional shot in the arm,” he added pointedly. “What about your wife, Mabel?” he enjoined surreptitiously.<br /> “She spends the day sewing and gardening,” the man hemmed and hawed.<br /><br />Here are some biblical Tom Swifties.<br />* “She is bone of my bone,” said Adam disjointedly.<br />* “I have sinned,” said Adam originally.<br />* “I was afraid because I was naked,” said Adam embarrassedly.<br />* “We can use these leaves to make aprons,” said Eve figuratively.<br />* “What are you doing with the razor?” Samson asked baldly.<br />* “But Jacob has stolen my blessing,” wailed Esau plaintively.<br /><br />And a few odds and ends:<br />* “Someone took my needle!” she said pointedly.<br />* “Oh no! I dropped my toothpaste!” he said crestfallen.<br />* “I got this cold after Mildred died,” the pastor croaked.<br />* “We buried her yesterday,” he added gravely.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bottom of the Barrel – This from Bruce Frederickson.<br /> Two small town pastors were discussing how they enjoyed an occasional drink, but because their churches avoided alcohol they did so only occasinally and then only on the sly. Finally one said to the other "Joe, I'll buy you the finest bottle of Scotch, if you'll just thank me for it in your Sunday bulletin."<br /> Several weeks later Joe called his friend. "Bill, bring over that bottle of Scotch."<br /> "But Joe," Bill replied. "How could you thank me for a bottle of Scotch in your church bulletin, when most of the members of your church are dead against alcohol?"<br /> "That's simple," replied Joe. "I put it right here in the Sunday bulletin. "Rev Jones wishes to thank Rev Smith for the gift, and the spirit in which it was given!"<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 13:31-35<br />(NOTE: feel free to re-write this opening dialogue so that it more accurately fits the experience of the two readers.)<br />Reader 1: Did you ever live on a farm?<br />Reader 2: No, did you?<br />1: No, but I had an uncle who lived not far away, and I went to his farm quite often.<br />2: Why are you asking?<br />1: I wanted to know if you’d get the point – the image of the hen and the baby chicks. If you’ve never seen that you might not get the point of this passage.<br />2: Well, no, I’ve never seen a hen and baby chicks. I think I’ve seen some pictures.<br />1: When you get near the end of the day and it starts to get a bit dark, the hen will make clucking noises. She’ll sit down on the ground and the chicks will scurry under her wings and body feathers. She will sit there, looking a little fat, but protecting those chicks until the morning.<br />2: So that’s what Jesus was referring to. He wanted to love and protect the people of Jerusalem like a mother hen loves and protects her baby chicks, but they wouldn’t respond. They wouldn’t come and be protected by her warmth – by Jesus’ warmth and caring.<br />1: So. Let’s read the passage. It’s from Luke’s gospel.<br />SLGHT PAUSE<br />2: Some Pharisees came and spoke to Jesus.<br />1: "Get away from here, for Herod wants to kill you."<br />2: "Go and tell that fox for me, 'Listen, I am casting out demons and performing cures today and tomorrow, and on the third day I finish my work. Yet today, tomorrow, and the next day I must be on my way, because it is impossible for a prophet to be killed outside of Jerusalem.'<br /> Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to it! How often have I desired to gather your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you were not willing!<br /> See, your house is left to you. And I tell you, you will not see me until the time comes when you say, 'Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the Lord.'"<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don't put anything else in that e-mail<br />To Unsubscribe:<br />* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.<br />Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-30272052091172096372010-01-14T11:14:00.000-08:002010-01-14T11:15:37.150-08:00Preaching Materials for February 21st, 2010R U M O R S # 589<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2010-02-14<br /><br />February 14th, 2010<br /><br />THE SEDUCTION OF POWER<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Motto:<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />The Story – the greatest temptation<br />Rumors – no grading system<br />Soft Edges –<br />Bloopers – concrete pies<br />Mirabile Dictu! – up to my class<br />Bottom of the Barrel – who creates the chaos?<br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 4:1-13<br />Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rib Tickler – A monastery had a beautiful garden which the bees enjoyed year after year. However the young new monks had no time for gardening – they were too busy with more important things and one day the chief gardener came out and surveyed his once beautiful garden with sorrow.<br /> A passing bee saw how sad he was and asked him what was the matter. “Well,” said the monk, “there are no more flowers for you to enjoy and I regret to tell you that the Rabbi’s garden down the road has bigger and sweeter-smelling flowers for your enjoyment.”<br /> “Oh thank you,” said the bee. “I’ll check it out tomorrow and I’ll come back and let you know how I find it.”<br /> The next evening, as the monk was sitting on his favorite bench, in buzzed the bee – with a yarmulke on his head!<br /> “What!” exclaimed the monk. “Have you converted?”<br /> “Oh no” said the bee. “But I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to think I was a WASP!”<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, February 21st, which is the first Sunday in Lent, Year C.<br />* Deuteronomy 26:1-11<br />* Psalm 91:1-2, 9-16<br />* Romans 10:8b-13<br />* Luke 4:1-13<br /><br />The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Luke 4:1-13<br /><br />Ralph says –<br />There’s nothing as seductive as success. There’s nothing as dangerous as success.<br /> It wouldn’t be hard to make a long list of successful people who came tumbling down off their pedestals because they didn’t know what to do with success. You could start with King David and end with Tiger Woods and list any number of women and men in between.<br /> It’s not always been sex as in the case of the aforementioned men who couldn’t keep their pants zipped up. Alcohol, drugs, depression, arrogance, shopping – there are any number of ways in which humans stumble over their own success. Perhaps the greatest danger is hubris – because we disguise it so well. We fool ourselves most effectively. And here, reflecting on a lifetime in the ministry of Christian communication, I need to step forward as exhibit one.<br /> Spiritual success is probably the greatest temptation. C.S. Lewis in “The Screwtape Letters,” has a scene where the Senior Devil is instructing the Junior Devil about how to tempt a young Christian. He tells him to bring it to the young man’s attention that he is becoming very spiritual, and that is a very good thing. Make him proud of that, he instructs.<br /> We could compose a sad litany about the men and women who entered Christian ministry, and who did very well at it. But somewhere along the way they lost track of the gospel of love and slowly, imperceptibly, began to work toward a gospel of self-promotion, well disguised as God’s love. Most of them don’t even know it themselves.<br /> Jesus knew the power he had. Jesus knew the skills he had. And after forty days in the desert he found himself wrestling with the demon in himself. This was nothing external. This demon was a part of who he was. And the struggle he faced every day of his life was a battle for his very soul.<br /> He won that first round, there in the desert. But his demon lurked inside him – and fought with him continually – until the very last gasp of life on the cross.<br /><br />Deuteronomy 26:1-11– In the ongoing battle against temptation that every one of us fights every day of our lives, this passage offers one useful antidote. The first fruits. The practice of giving the first of everything – the first harvest, the first part of the paycheck, the first expression of thanks – giving the first fruits to God’s work is one useful way to help us keep a focus on our call.<br /> Just one of many. But it’s a good one.<br /><br />Psalm 91:1-2, 9-16 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor<br />March is a season for wet and cold.<br />9 Let your faith be your umbrella;<br />Live your life under God's protection.<br />10 No rain clouds will ruin your picnic;<br />nor will thunderstorms drown your fondest desires.<br />11 The spirit of God will surround you like a shimmering bubble.<br />It will deflect the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune;<br />12 It will smooth your passage over speed-bumps and potholes.<br />13 Neither wind nor sleet nor hail nor snow--<br />nor stress nor illness nor peer pressures--<br />shall keep you from growing closer and closer to God.<br />14 For God says: "Because you trusted me,<br />I will give you more cause to trust;<br />Because you knew me enough to ask for help,<br />I will help you.<br />15 When you call, I will answer you.<br />When you fall down, I will pick you up.<br />16 I will accompany you through a long life;<br />I will never leave you lonely and afraid."<br /> From: Everyday Psalms<br /> Wood Lake Publications.<br /> For details, go to <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a><br /><br />Romans 10:8b-13 – Simple. All you have to do is say “Jesus is Lord,” and you’ve got it made. In Paul’s day that meant a whole lot more than it means today. In the Roman empire, it was treason and punishable by death.<br /> Now it can be too easy and flip. A throw-away line. And so it is very dangerous to read Paul’s passage and apply it literally today. It can lead to a self-righteous superficiality and therefore the very opposite of what Paul intended.<br /><br />A children’s story based on the Deuteronomy passage can be found in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C,” page 85, followed by a story about Jesus’ temptation based on the Luke passage called “Jesus Gets Ready.”<br /> Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a>, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”<br /> <a href="http://tinyurl.com/2lonod">http://tinyurl.com/2lonod</a><br /> Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rumors – When you’ve seen one baptism, you’ve seen 'em all.<br /> Well, not quite. The passage from Romans specified in the lectionary brings back the memory of the time Bev (my wife) was minister at the Westbank Church.<br /> It was a baptism of two young children in a family, one about three and the other about five. Bev explained that not only had she met with the parents to explain the meaning of baptism, she had met with the two children separately. And all four of them were going to make a personal statement of faith.<br /> First the parents. Their statements obviously reflected the words and phrases they had heard and read. That was OK. They seemed eager to learn and grow.<br /> Then the eldest of the two children said, “I like Jesus because he’s nice.” And the youngest child held up a picture he had colored. We weren’t sure what it was, but Bev made it quite clear that she appreciated all four statements and valued them equally.<br /> The four members of that family, in effect, responded to Jesus’ question: “Who do you say that I am?” And in the sermon Bev, in effect, offered her response to Jesus’ question.<br /> I arranged those five statements in my head in terms of relative merit beginning with the colored picture, all the way through up to Bev’s sermon. And I'd no sooner done that, than I recognized the error.<br /> There are no adequate responses to that question. But by the same token, there are no inadequate responses either.<br /> Another memory. The baptism of Andrew, a young man with Down’s Syndrome. His normal vocabulary was three or four words. As he knelt for the baptism, and the water touched his forehead, his face burst into the widest, sparkling smile you have ever seen, and very loudly, Andrew shouted the one word. “Jesus!”<br /> There’s no grading system – no prize for the “right” answer. Andrew’s “Jesus,” or the three-year-old’s picture, differed only in sophistication, but not in correctness or authenticity from Bev’s sermon.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor<br /><br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – from the file<br />* Announcement requesting baking donations for the annual bazaar: “And I don’t want abstract promises. I want concrete pies!”<br />* Announcing a covenanting service for the new minister, the bulletin had it as a “coveting” service.<br />* As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.<br /><br />If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<br /><br />Wish I’d Said That! – also from the file<br />It is necessary to stand for things that will not come to pass until long after we are gone. Bertrand Russell<br /><br />It is not true that suffering ennobles the character; happiness does that sometimes, but suffering, for the most part, makes people petty and vindictive.<br /> W. Somerset Maugham<br /><br />Oh what a tangled web do parents weave,<br />When first they practice to conceive.<br /> Ogden Nash<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “up to my class!”)<br />A Sunday school teacher I know<br />Goes south when the winter winds blow.<br />“I’d rather be here,”<br />She says with a cheer,<br />“Than up to my class in the snow.”<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bottom of the Barrel – There were three bi-vocational clergy having lunch one day. One was an obstetrician, one was a farmer and the third was a lawyer. The topic came around to which of their secular occupations was the best integrated into their vocations.<br /> “Well,” said the obstetrician-priest, “healing is a ministry practiced by Christ himself.” And the two others agreed that yes, indeed, the doctor/minister combination worked very well. “And besides, in Eden, Adam would certainly have assisted at the birth of his children.”<br /> “Of course,” smiled the farmer-clergy, “you remember that God specifically put Adam into the garden to keep it. Tilling the earth is therefore the primary labor of humanity commanded by God.”<br /> “My beloved friends,” said the lawyer. “I think your professions are excellent ‘tent-making ministries.’ But you must agree that my profession, as a lawyer, is most dear to the heart of God. Before Jesus healed – before Eve delivered – before there was a Garden of Eden, God created the world out of chaos. And who creates the chaos. Well, lawyers, of course!”<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 4:1-13<br />Reader 1: Today we’re going to read the story of how Jesus was tempted in the wilderness. I’ve seen that scene in couple of movies, and I’m a bit confused.<br />Reader 2: The problem is that movies and television are so literal. They have to show you something, and often the thing they show is false.<br />1: How can the thing they show be false?<br />2: Because the battle that Jesus fought in the wilderness was a battle that happened inside him.<br />1:How do you know that?<br />2: Well I don’t KNOW that. But I think it’s a reasonable guess. It says Jesus spent forty days in the wilderness and that battle was going on the whole time. In the movies it only took a few minutes.<br />1: So the devil Jesus was wrestling with was inside himself?<br />2: That’s the way I read the story.<br />1: Boy, it’s a good thing we don’t have to go through all that.<br />2: But you do. All of us are wrestling with temptation, every day. Some of us know we are doing it. The rest of us just go along happily not having any idea what is going on.<br />1: Now you’re making me feel guilty. Uncomfortable. Can we just go on to read the scripture?<br />2: So there you are, giving into the temptation to avoid dealing with the issue.<br />1: Could we just read the scripture? Please!!!<br />2: Sure. It’s from Luke’s gospel.<br />SLIGHT PAUSE<br />1: Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the wilderness, where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing at all during those days, and when they were over, he was famished. And this is what the devil said to him.<br />2: "If you are the Son of God, command this stone to become a loaf of bread."<br />1: "It is written, 'One does not live by bread alone.'"<br />2: Here, see, I am showing you all the kingdoms of the world. To you I will give their glory and all this authority; for it has been given over to me, and I give it to anyone I please. If you, then, will worship me, it will all be yours."<br />1: "It is written, 'Worship the Lord your God, and serve only him.'"<br />2: Here, see, I am taking you to Jerusalem and placing you on the pinnacle of the temple. "If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down from here, for it is written, 'He will command his angels concerning you, to protect you.' 'On their hands they will bear you up, so that you will not dash your foot against a stone.'"<br />1: "It is said, 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'"<br />2: Ha! You pass this test. But I will come back to you at another opportune time.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don't put anything else in that e-mail<br />To Unsubscribe:<br />* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.<br />Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-19348520779820917902010-01-14T11:10:00.000-08:002010-01-14T11:11:26.489-08:00Peaching Materials for February 7th, 2010R U M O R S # 587<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2010-01-31<br /><br />January 31, 2010<br /><br />A PREACHING LESSON<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Motto:<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />This is still one of those issues that’s written ahead so Bev and I can bask in the sunshine for a bit. That means there’s not much in the way of readers’ contributions. But that doesn’t mean you should stop sending them. I’ll collect them all together so that the first few issues after we get home should be a gas.<br /><br />*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />The Story – the worst or the best sermon<br />Rumors – the fisherfolk club<br />Soft Edges –<br />Bloopers – the king’s bras<br />Mirabile Dictu! – the sale of cabbage<br />Bottom of the Barrel – paving stones<br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 5:1-11<br />Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rib Tickler – A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store looking for something a bit unusual. He finally settled on a talking centipede, the kind that really does have a hundred legs.<br /> The next day being Sunday, he decides to take the centipede to church. He goes up to the little centipede box and says, "Would you like to go to church with me today?”<br /> There’s no answer.<br /> A few minutes later he tried again. "How about going to church with me?<br /> Again, no answer.<br /> He waits a few minutes more, then realizes they’ll be late if they don’t get going soon. This time he yells, "Hey, you in there! Would you like to go to church with me? I mean, it’s Palm Sunday y’know!"<br /> A tiny, bug-like voice comes out of the box. "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."<br /> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, February 7th, which is the Fifth Sunday after the Epiphany, Year C.<br />* Isaiah 6:1-8, (9-13)<br />* Psalm 138<br />* 1 Corinthians 15:1-11<br />* Luke 5:1-11<br /><br />The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Luke 5:1-11<br /><br />Ralph says –<br /> First of all, Gennesaret is just another name for the Lake of Galilee. It’s a fair bit below sea level and hence has an almost tropical climate. It’s a lovely lake to swim in.<br /> In this story, Simon (aka Peter) wins the lottery. He’s been out there all night working his butt off, and catches almost nothing. Then Jesus tells him to try again and they fill up the boat.<br /> Peter’s a bit like a guy who wins the lottery, but then never goes to cash in the winning ticket. Peter doesn’t take that haul of fish to the market to sell so he doesn’t benefit from the bonanza. He and his partners, James and John, just leave everything there and follow Jesus. Which makes no economic sense.<br /> It doesn’t make economic sense for a smart person with good people skills to go into the ministry, either. There’s way more money to be made selling something.<br /> Nor does it make economic sense for dedicated laypeople to spend all that time studying their faith and working in the outreach ministry of the church.<br /> These three men go stumbling over their nets and boats and follow Jesus, and the crowd that saw all this witnessed a sermon in action that was more powerful than the one Jesus preached. Luke doesn’t tell us a thing that Jesus said in that sermon. Nor does he say whether Simon and his buds were paying attention. He tells us what they did.<br /> And we’re still talking about it.<br /><br />Isaiah 6:1-8, (9-13) – Unlike Jeremiah’s call to prophecy which we looked at last week, Isaiah’s call would have brought out CNN and Fox and more photographers than the Vancouver Olympics. Jeremiah’s call could have been very private. Isaiah’s was full of lights and noise and smoke.<br /> Unless, of course, it all happened in his imagination which may be more likely. So call off the media.<br /> What this does illustrate is that calls to prophecy, to ministry, to service, to faith, can take many forms. Many forms.<br /> And one is not more valid than the other.<br /><br />Psalm 138 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor<br />In biblical times, worshipers prostrated themselves on the ground before the Holy of Holies, while reciting Psalm 138. For us, it's a strange position from which to express gratitude.<br />1 This is your turf, your home, your territory.<br />I am so glad to be here, God, that I kiss the earth you walk on.<br />2 I fling myself into the dust, the floor of your dwelling.<br />I extend my arms to embrace your earth.<br />But you lift me up from my humble position.<br />You take me in as your guest.<br />You have made me one of your family;<br />you have even given me your name!<br />3 You have taken me under your wing.<br />When I cry out, you cover me;<br />I benefit from your strength.<br />4 Foxes may lord it over the chicken coop, and squirrels over the sparrow's nest,<br />But no creatures challenge the eagle's rule;<br />They cower before the eagle's eye and ruthless claws.<br />5 As the eagle soars above the field mice,<br />so do you, Lord, rise above us mortals.<br />6 Daily duties keep us scurrying close to the earth.<br />But you watch over us from on high;<br />you can see danger long before it draws near.<br />7 Troubles grow around us like tall grass<br />But in the shadow of your outspread pinions, predators scatter<br />Like leaves before an autumn wind.<br />8 There is a place for me in your plans.<br />You will never abandon me.<br />You will work out your purpose for me, no matter how long it takes.<br /> From: Everyday Psalms<br /> Wood Lake Publications.<br /> For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com<br /><br />1 Corinthians 15:1-11 – In this passage Paul talks about his call to ministry which was also pretty dramatic. And it involved a 180 degree turn from being a persecutor to being a promoter.<br /> Paul calls himself the “least of the apostles,” but his humility loses a bit of its shine when he goes on to claim that he worked harder than all of them, though of course, it wasn’t him it was the grace of God. I imagine a bit of a nervous laugh here, which of course isn’t recorded.<br /><br />In the story, “Isaiah Becomes a Prophet,” I have his friend Rebekah talk to Isaiah about becoming a prophet. It’s in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C,” page 59. Then there’s a story called “Simon Gets a New Job” on page 62 based on the Luke passage.<br /> Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”<br /> http://tinyurl.com/2lonod<br /> Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rumors – There are many versions of this story. But basically it goes something like this.<br /> There was a group that called themselves The Fisherfolk Club. They started out as a gathering of people who earned their living fishing in the ocean. At first, only real fisherfolk could join. But not wanting to be selfish, and because they had nice facilities that needed to be paid for, they invited others to come in too.<br /> In the club headquarters there were fish symbols galore, hooks, nets, and floats and rods. All the members of the club, even those who were not fishers, wore old hats with lures stuck in them and tall wading boots which got quite uncomfortable on warm days. But they were proud to be fishers and so never took them off.<br /> They had a well-stocked library of books about fishing. And several times a year they ran seminars to which world-renounced fishers were invited to come and deliver learned lectures. All the talk and all the activities of the club centered around fishing, but as the years went by, fewer and fewer of the members actually went out fishing.<br /> Then one day, the club had a new member. They had not had a new member for some time, so this was an interesting experience. And the new member asked an interesting question. “When do you go fishing?”<br /> Well, it turned out that members of The Fisherfolk Club had never caught a fish. In fact, they had never actually seen a live fish. And the idea that they should go out there in a boat or wade into the water came as quite a shock to them.<br /> They had long meetings on the subject and finally came to the conclusion that the new member would have to leave. The new member obviously knew very little about what it really meant to be a member of The Fisherfolk Club.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor<br /><br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – From the file<br />* The King's Bras will present a concert at our church this evening at 6:00 pm.<br />* A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.’<br />* After receiving the communion elements, the altar is open for prayer and medication.<br />* Amazing Grace: “I once was found, but now I’m lost ...”<br /><br />If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<br /><br />Wish I’d Said That! – from the file<br />I can only please one person per day. This is not your day.<br /> source unknown<br /><br />Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue.<br /> source unknown<br /><br />The things that count most in life are the things that can't be counted.<br /> source unknown<br /><br />If you are not treated as you deserve, be thankful.<br /> source unknown<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “sale of cabbage!”) Here’s how long it takes to say things:<br />* Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.<br />* The Lord’s Prayer: 66 words.<br />* Archimedes’ Principle: 67 words.<br />* The 10 Commandments: 179 words.<br />* The Gettysburg address: 286 words.<br />* The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.<br />* Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.<br /><br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bottom of the Barrel – There once was a rich man who was dying. While on his death bed, he tried to negotiate with God to be allowed to bring his earthly treasures with him to heaven. “God, please, I have worked so hard to accumulate all these riches. Can’t I bring them along?”<br /> “This is very unusual” said God, “but since you have been such a faithful steward, I will allow you to bring along one suitcase.”<br /> The man immediately had a servant fill a large suitcase with gold bricks. Shortly thereafter he died.<br /> When the man arrived at the Pearly Gates, he was stopped by St. Peter. “I’m sorry sir, but you know the rules. You can’t take it with you. You may enter, but the suitcase has to stay outside.”<br /> “But God told me I could bring one suitcase,” the man protested.<br /> “Well, if God says it’s OK then I guess it’s OK, but I still need to examine the contents before you can enter.”<br /> St. Peter takes the suitcase from the man, opens it, and looks very puzzled. “You brought paving stones?”<br /><br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 5:1-11<br />Reader 1: I got a real shock when I read this passage.<br />Reader 2: Why? It seemed OK to me.<br />1: Well, it’s not OK. It tells about Jesus preaching and teaching and nobody pays any attention and we’re not told a word about what he said.<br />2: What are you talking about? Jesus was a very good preacher. It says that several times in the Bible, that the people heard him gladly.<br />1: Not this time. Jesus borrows a boat so he can speak to the people on the shore a bit more easily. Then when he’s finished, he asks Peter who owned the boat, how the fishing had been. Peter said it was the pits. They worked all night and caught nothing. So Jesus tells them to try again and this time they almost sink the boat. Then Jesus tells them to come and follow him and they do that, leaving their boats and the whole mess of fish sitting right there. And nobody says anything about what Jesus was preaching.<br />2: You know, you’re right. The sermon they were watching was more interesting than the sermon that Jesus had just preached.<br />1: What I want to know is, what happened to all those fish? Did they just sit there in the boat and rot?<br />2: Maybe each person in the crowd got to take home a fish for lunch. A kind of slippery door prize.<br />1: I just thought of something. It says that Peter and James and John were washing their nets while Jesus was preaching. Maybe they were listening to the sermon as they worked. Maybe that’s why they just up and followed Jesus.<br />2: Enough of this. Let’s hear the scripture. It’s from Luke’s gospel.<br />SLIGHT PAUSE<br />1: Once while Jesus was standing beside the lake of Gennesaret, and the crowd was pressing in on him to hear the word of God, he saw two boats there at the shore of the lake; the fishermen had gone out of them and were washing their nets.<br />2: Jesus got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little way from the shore. Then he sat down and taught the crowds from the boat. When he had finished speaking, he spoke to Simon.<br />1: "Put out into the deep water and let down your nets for a catch."<br />2: "Master, we have worked all night long but have caught nothing. Yet if you say so, I will let down the nets."<br />1: When they had done this, they caught so many fish that their nets were beginning to break. So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them. And they came and filled both boats, so that they began to sink.<br />2: But when Simon Peter saw it, he fell down at Jesus' knees.<br />1: "Go away from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man!"<br />2: Simon and all who were with him were amazed at the catch of fish that they had taken. And so also were James and John, sons of Zebedee, who were partners with Simon.<br />1: Then Jesus spoke to Simon.<br />2: "Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching people."<br />1: When they had brought their boats to shore, they left everything and followed him.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.)<br /> It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this:<br /> “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below].<br /><br /> If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend.<br /><br /> If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks.<br /><br /> I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission.<br /><br /> You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor."<br /> ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS:<br /><br />To Subscribe:<br />* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com<br />* Don't put anything else in that e-mail<br />To Unsubscribe:<br />* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com<br />* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail<br />* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up.<br />.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Please Write –<br />If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.<br /><br />Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.<br /><br />All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-69679608226542224962010-01-14T11:05:00.000-08:002010-01-14T11:06:22.467-08:00Preaching Materials for February 7th, 2010R U M O R S # 587<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2010-01-31<br /><br />January 31, 2010<br /><br />A PREACHING LESSON<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Motto:<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />This is still one of those issues that’s written ahead so Bev and I can bask in the sunshine for a bit. That means there’s not much in the way of readers’ contributions. But that doesn’t mean you should stop sending them. I’ll collect them all together so that the first few issues after we get home should be a gas.<br /><br />*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />The Story – the worst or the best sermon<br />Rumors – the fisherfolk club<br />Soft Edges –<br />Bloopers – the king’s bras<br />Mirabile Dictu! – the sale of cabbage<br />Bottom of the Barrel – paving stones<br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 5:1-11<br />Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rib Tickler – A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store looking for something a bit unusual. He finally settled on a talking centipede, the kind that really does have a hundred legs.<br /> The next day being Sunday, he decides to take the centipede to church. He goes up to the little centipede box and says, "Would you like to go to church with me today?”<br /> There’s no answer.<br /> A few minutes later he tried again. "How about going to church with me?<br /> Again, no answer.<br /> He waits a few minutes more, then realizes they’ll be late if they don’t get going soon. This time he yells, "Hey, you in there! Would you like to go to church with me? I mean, it’s Palm Sunday y’know!"<br /> A tiny, bug-like voice comes out of the box. "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."<br />*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br /><a name="OLE_LINK1">Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, February 7th, which is the Fifth Sunday after the Epiphany, Year C.</a><br />* Isaiah 6:1-8, (9-13)<br />* Psalm 138<br />* 1 Corinthians 15:1-11<br />* Luke 5:1-11<br /><br />The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Luke 5:1-11<br /><br />Ralph says –<br /> First of all, Gennesaret is just another name for the Lake of Galilee. It’s a fair bit below sea level and hence has an almost tropical climate. It’s a lovely lake to swim in.<br /> In this story, Simon (aka Peter) wins the lottery. He’s been out there all night working his butt off, and catches almost nothing. Then Jesus tells him to try again and they fill up the boat.<br /> Peter’s a bit like a guy who wins the lottery, but then never goes to cash in the winning ticket. Peter doesn’t take that haul of fish to the market to sell so he doesn’t benefit from the bonanza. He and his partners, James and John, just leave everything there and follow Jesus. Which makes no economic sense.<br /> It doesn’t make economic sense for a smart person with good people skills to go into the ministry, either. There’s way more money to be made selling something.<br /> Nor does it make economic sense for dedicated laypeople to spend all that time studying their faith and working in the outreach ministry of the church.<br /> These three men go stumbling over their nets and boats and follow Jesus, and the crowd that saw all this witnessed a sermon in action that was more powerful than the one Jesus preached. Luke doesn’t tell us a thing that Jesus said in that sermon. Nor does he say whether Simon and his buds were paying attention. He tells us what they did.<br /> And we’re still talking about it.<br /><br />Isaiah 6:1-8, (9-13) – Unlike Jeremiah’s call to prophecy which we looked at last week, Isaiah’s call would have brought out CNN and Fox and more photographers than the Vancouver Olympics. Jeremiah’s call could have been very private. Isaiah’s was full of lights and noise and smoke.<br /> Unless, of course, it all happened in his imagination which may be more likely. So call off the media.<br /> What this does illustrate is that calls to prophecy, to ministry, to service, to faith, can take many forms. Many forms.<br /> And one is not more valid than the other.<br /><br />Psalm 138 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor<br />In biblical times, worshipers prostrated themselves on the ground before the Holy of Holies, while reciting Psalm 138. For us, it's a strange position from which to express gratitude.<br />1 This is your turf, your home, your territory.<br />I am so glad to be here, God, that I kiss the earth you walk on.<br />2 I fling myself into the dust, the floor of your dwelling.<br />I extend my arms to embrace your earth.<br />But you lift me up from my humble position.<br />You take me in as your guest.<br />You have made me one of your family;<br />you have even given me your name!<br />3 You have taken me under your wing.<br />When I cry out, you cover me;<br />I benefit from your strength.<br />4 Foxes may lord it over the chicken coop, and squirrels over the sparrow's nest,<br />But no creatures challenge the eagle's rule;<br />They cower before the eagle's eye and ruthless claws.<br />5 As the eagle soars above the field mice,<br />so do you, Lord, rise above us mortals.<br />6 Daily duties keep us scurrying close to the earth.<br />But you watch over us from on high;<br />you can see danger long before it draws near.<br />7 Troubles grow around us like tall grass<br />But in the shadow of your outspread pinions, predators scatter<br />Like leaves before an autumn wind.<br />8 There is a place for me in your plans.<br />You will never abandon me.<br />You will work out your purpose for me, no matter how long it takes.<br /> From: Everyday Psalms<br /> Wood Lake Publications.<br /> For details, go to <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a><br /><br />1 Corinthians 15:1-11 – In this passage Paul talks about his call to ministry which was also pretty dramatic. And it involved a 180 degree turn from being a persecutor to being a promoter.<br /> Paul calls himself the “least of the apostles,” but his humility loses a bit of its shine when he goes on to claim that he worked harder than all of them, though of course, it wasn’t him it was the grace of God. I imagine a bit of a nervous laugh here, which of course isn’t recorded.<br /><br />In the story, “Isaiah Becomes a Prophet,” I have his friend Rebekah talk to Isaiah about becoming a prophet. It’s in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C,” page 59. Then there’s a story called “Simon Gets a New Job” on page 62 based on the Luke passage.<br /> Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a>, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”<br /> <a href="http://tinyurl.com/2lonod">http://tinyurl.com/2lonod</a><br /> Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rumors – There are many versions of this story. But basically it goes something like this.<br /> There was a group that called themselves The Fisherfolk Club. They started out as a gathering of people who earned their living fishing in the ocean. At first, only real fisherfolk could join. But not wanting to be selfish, and because they had nice facilities that needed to be paid for, they invited others to come in too.<br /> In the club headquarters there were fish symbols galore, hooks, nets, and floats and rods. All the members of the club, even those who were not fishers, wore old hats with lures stuck in them and tall wading boots which got quite uncomfortable on warm days. But they were proud to be fishers and so never took them off.<br /> They had a well-stocked library of books about fishing. And several times a year they ran seminars to which world-renounced fishers were invited to come and deliver learned lectures. All the talk and all the activities of the club centered around fishing, but as the years went by, fewer and fewer of the members actually went out fishing.<br /> Then one day, the club had a new member. They had not had a new member for some time, so this was an interesting experience. And the new member asked an interesting question. “When do you go fishing?”<br /> Well, it turned out that members of The Fisherfolk Club had never caught a fish. In fact, they had never actually seen a live fish. And the idea that they should go out there in a boat or wade into the water came as quite a shock to them.<br /> They had long meetings on the subject and finally came to the conclusion that the new member would have to leave. The new member obviously knew very little about what it really meant to be a member of The Fisherfolk Club.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor<br /><br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – From the file<br />* The King's Bras will present a concert at our church this evening at 6:00 pm.<br />* A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.’<br />* After receiving the communion elements, the altar is open for prayer and medication.<br />* Amazing Grace: “I once was found, but now I’m lost ...”<br /><br />If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<br /><br />Wish I’d Said That! – from the file<br />I can only please one person per day. This is not your day.<br /> source unknown<br /><br />Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue.<br /> source unknown<br /><br />The things that count most in life are the things that can't be counted.<br /> source unknown<br /><br />If you are not treated as you deserve, be thankful.<br /> source unknown<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “sale of cabbage!”)<br />Here’s how long it takes to say things:<br />* Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.* The Lord’s Prayer: 66 words.* Archimedes’ Principle: 67 words.* The 10 Commandments: 179 words.* The Gettysburg address: 286 words.* The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.* Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bottom of the Barrel – There once was a rich man who was dying. While on his death bed, he tried to negotiate with God to be allowed to bring his earthly treasures with him to heaven. “God, please, I have worked so hard to accumulate all these riches. Can’t I bring them along?”<br /> “This is very unusual” said God, “but since you have been such a faithful steward, I will allow you to bring along one suitcase.”<br /> The man immediately had a servant fill a large suitcase with gold bricks. Shortly thereafter he died.<br /> When the man arrived at the Pearly Gates, he was stopped by St. Peter. “I’m sorry sir, but you know the rules. You can’t take it with you. You may enter, but the suitcase has to stay outside.”<br /> “But God told me I could bring one suitcase,” the man protested.<br /> “Well, if God says it’s OK then I guess it’s OK, but I still need to examine the contents before you can enter.”<br /> St. Peter takes the suitcase from the man, opens it, and looks very puzzled. “You brought paving stones?”<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 5:1-11<br />Reader 1: I got a real shock when I read this passage.<br />Reader 2: Why? It seemed OK to me.<br />1: Well, it’s not OK. It tells about Jesus preaching and teaching and nobody pays any attention and we’re not told a word about what he said.<br />2: What are you talking about? Jesus was a very good preacher. It says that several times in the Bible, that the people heard him gladly.<br />1: Not this time. Jesus borrows a boat so he can speak to the people on the shore a bit more easily. Then when he’s finished, he asks Peter who owned the boat, how the fishing had been. Peter said it was the pits. They worked all night and caught nothing. So Jesus tells them to try again and this time they almost sink the boat. Then Jesus tells them to come and follow him and they do that, leaving their boats and the whole mess of fish sitting right there. And nobody says anything about what Jesus was preaching.<br />2: You know, you’re right. The sermon they were watching was more interesting than the sermon that Jesus had just preached.<br />1: What I want to know is, what happened to all those fish? Did they just sit there in the boat and rot?<br />2: Maybe each person in the crowd got to take home a fish for lunch. A kind of slippery door prize.<br />1: I just thought of something. It says that Peter and James and John were washing their nets while Jesus was preaching. Maybe they were listening to the sermon as they worked. Maybe that’s why they just up and followed Jesus.<br />2: Enough of this. Let’s hear the scripture. It’s from Luke’s gospel.SLIGHT PAUSE<br />1: Once while Jesus was standing beside the lake of Gennesaret, and the crowd was pressing in on him to hear the word of God, he saw two boats there at the shore of the lake; the fishermen had gone out of them and were washing their nets.2: Jesus got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little way from the shore. Then he sat down and taught the crowds from the boat. When he had finished speaking, he spoke to Simon.<br />1: "Put out into the deep water and let down your nets for a catch."2: "Master, we have worked all night long but have caught nothing. Yet if you say so, I will let down the nets."1: When they had done this, they caught so many fish that their nets were beginning to break. So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them. And they came and filled both boats, so that they began to sink.<br />2: But when Simon Peter saw it, he fell down at Jesus' knees.<br />1: "Go away from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man!"2: Simon and all who were with him were amazed at the catch of fish that they had taken. And so also were James and John, sons of Zebedee, who were partners with Simon.<br />1: Then Jesus spoke to Simon.<br />2: "Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching people."1: When they had brought their boats to shore, they left everything and followed him.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don't put anything else in that e-mail<br />To Unsubscribe:<br />* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.<br />Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-43696344478347207032010-01-14T11:02:00.000-08:002010-01-14T11:03:16.194-08:00Preaching Materials for January 31st, 2010R U M O R S # 586<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2010-01-24<br /><br />January 24, 2010<br /><br />A WILD AND WONDERFUL PROPHET<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Motto:<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Note: Usually Rumors relies on your letters to provide much of the content in Rumors. In this, and the next several issues, you’ll notice that most of the stuff comes from my barrel. That’s because Bev and I are soaking up a bit of sunshine and these issues have been written in advance. Hope you don’t mind too much.<br /><br />*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />The Story – passionate and powerful<br />Rumors – a fire in the belly<br />Soft Edges –<br />Bloopers – three every hour<br />Mirabile Dictu! – reincarnation<br />Bottom of the Barrel – white man<br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Jeremiah 1:4-10<br />Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rib Tickler – At the Baptist Women’s Missionary gathering in the Maritimes, one of the leaders had brought an inflatable globe to show where the various countries of the world are located.<br /> But when she was ready to use it, her “world” had sprung a leak, and the globe had shrunk. She used the problem to make a point. “It’s marvelous! When you get rid of a lot of the hot air, how small this world is.”<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, January 31st, which is the 4th Sunday after the Epiphany.<br />* Jeremiah 1:4-10<br />* Psalm 71:1-6<br />* 1 Corinthians 13:1-13<br />* Luke 4:21-30 (Note: We tacked this on to last week’s reading to make it a complete story.)<br /><br />The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Jeremiah 1:4-10<br /><br />Ralph says –<br />I’ve always liked Jeremiah. He was just slightly nuts which is what a prophet needs to be to have the chutzpah to carry it off. He also used audio visuals and objects lessons to good effect – throwing around jars, walking around naked – that sort of thing.<br /> Jeremiah was passionate and powerful and that shows in his call. There’s no sense that God might have been looking for a prophet one day and Jeremiah happened to walk by. Jeremiah was chosen by a God who knew him intimately from the moment of conception – possibly close to a virgin birth story because the word “knew” here was almost always used to indicate sexual intimacy.<br /> And Jeremiah’s just a kid. The commentators say about 14 or 15, and there is God telling him to go and prophecy to the nations. That must have been interesting – a beardless boy prophesying to rulers of nations.<br /> I’ve always liked Jeremiah because he’s wild and crazy and not all that good at what he does. But he does it with such passion and flair you can’t help but believe that God is inside this man goading him on.<br /><br />Psalm 71:1-6 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor<br />The psalm is entitled an old man's prayer, but it could equally well be a young child. Both are vulnerable and dependent on others. I chose to paraphrase from the child's viewpoint. Every one of us has been a child; only a few of us have been old – yet.<br />1 Don't let them make fun of me.<br />Let me hide myself behind your skirts.<br />2 Comfort me and protect me;<br />listen to my fears, and enfold me in your arms.<br />3 When I am in trouble, I run to you.<br />I have no one but you to rely on.<br />4 The bigger kids won't leave me alone;<br />their greedy hands keep grabbing at me.<br />Rescue me from their clutches.<br />5 From the time I was tiny, you have been my refuge.<br />I have always been able to trust you.<br />6 Before I was born, I felt safe in your womb.<br />As an infant, I rested on your breast.<br />You are all I have, and all I ever had.<br /> From: Everyday Psalms<br /> Wood Lake Publications.<br /> For details, go to <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a><br /><br />1 Corinthians 13:1-13 – This may be the best-known passage in the whole Bible. Certainly it’s the one that’s heard at weddings and funerals. But I wouldn’t read it to the congregation unless I was going to talk about it, because within its profound truth there is a lie. So much popular psychology and music and poetry and rhetoric talks about love. But by itself this love is sentimental mush. Love, as simply a felt emotion, is as sincere and as real as the drunk careening down the street proclaiming, “I love everybody.”<br /> Love and justice are two sides of the same coin. Paul says as much in this poem, but it’s very easy to miss.<br /><br />There’s a children’s version of Jeremiah’s call in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 55. It’s called, “Jeremiah Becomes a Prophet.” And there’s a children’s version of the famous 1 Corinthians 13 on page 57 titled, “Paul’s Song About Love.”<br /> Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a>, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”<br /> <a href="http://tinyurl.com/2lonod">http://tinyurl.com/2lonod</a><br /> Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rumors – Jeremiah<br />"...a fire in my belly that had to get out!"<br />From “Is This Your Idea of a Good Time, God?” by Ralph Milton, Wood Lake Books, 1995.<br /><br />Jeremiah Confronts God<br /> Look, Lord. I know I shouldn't talk to you this way. But we've had a pretty good relationship, you and me.<br /> Besides I can't help it. I think I've been had. I think you, yes you God, pulled a fast one on me.<br /> I know you're busy taking care of the whole world, but try to remember, if it's not too much trouble.<br /> I was just a kid, remember. Pink cheeks. No beard. And you grabbed me by the insides one day and told me to be a prophet.<br /> Me. A prophet. I didn't even know what a prophet did. And I told you so, but oh, no. You wouldn't let me go. "I'll put the words right in your mouth," you told me. Do you remember that? I don't think you do.<br /> I don't think you remember a bit of it because if those are your words, why doesn't anybody pay attention? Ha? Why do they all laugh at me, spit on me, call me names?<br /> I use your words God. Your words, not mine. "Violence and destruction," I tell them, "violence and destruction unless you repent and do what God is asking of you."<br /> I do everything I can think of to get their attention. I throw pots around, put a yoke around my neck. Once I even walked around naked. Stark naked, God. That got them talking but not about my prophecy. They just wanted to send me to the funny farm.<br /> Even my own family. They think I've flipped. They think I'm a nut case. It's not so bad when they yell at me, it's when they try to be kind and patronizing. "Now, just try not to get too upset, Jeremiah. You just need a little rest, that's all." Damn!<br /> So for awhile, I didn't say a thing. Nothing. Quiet as a mouse. My mother loved it. You know what I got out of it. A sore stomach. A big old-fashioned gut ache. A fire in my belly that just had to get out. I couldn't keep quiet about the things I saw, I just couldn't.<br /> And you're sitting up there laughing at that, aren't you God. You knew I couldn't keep it in.<br /> Damn! I wish I'd never been born. I wish my mother and father had never been born. I wish I'd died while my mother was still pregnant.<br /> Damn!<br /> So what do I do? You are God, and I'm just a poor underpaid prophet and I have no choice but to go with it. And it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't really believe those words you give me to say. I do, you know. You've taken over all right God. You've taken over my head, and yes, even my heart. The plain unvarnished truth is that I really love you God and really do want people to hear what you have to say.<br /> But I'm still mad at you, God.<br /> Really mad.<br /> And I'm going to stay mad just as long as I can, because being a prophet is no piece of cake. It's no walk in the rose garden.<br /> Do you hear that God? Are you listening?<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor<br /><br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – from the file<br />* We are always happy to have you sue our facility.<br />* Hymn: I Need Three Every Hour.<br />* All children are requested to bring fresh followers to decorate the cross for Easter Sunday.<br /><br />If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<br /><br />Wish I’d Said That! –<br />Joy is the feeling of grinning inside.<br /> Dr. Melba Colgrove<br />When the church service is over, it is time for your service to begin.<br /> source unknown<br />Religious differences are not nearly so disastrous as religious indifferences.<br /> source unknown<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “reincarnation!”)<br />Signs you're the reincarnation of someone famous:<br />* During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbor’s pets.<br />* When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to her.<br />* Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, you think she's beautiful and has a lovely singing voice.<br />* While working under the sink, you get this insatiable urge to paint a church ceiling.<br />* Out of luck winos are bringing you jugs of water.<br />* You're found writing down rules of the office on giant stone tablets.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bottom of the Barrel – The Lone Ranger and Tonto are surrounded by Indians. LR says, "Tonto, there are Indians on the north of us, on the south of us, on the east of us and on the west of us. We are surrounded! What are we going to do?" Tonto gives the LR a long stare. "What do you mean 'we,' white man?"<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Jeremiah 1:4-10<br />Reader 1: I really like the prophet Jeremiah. You know why?<br />Reader 2: No, why?<br />1: Because he was a little bit nuts. A little out of touch with reality. He smashed clay pots. Once he even walked around naked.<br />2: Some guys’ll do anything to get attention.<br />1: No, it wasn’t primarily to get attention. Jeremiah was making a point. The nation Israel was going to get smashed like that pot. It would be stripped of everything it had and would be naked.<br />2: The reading today is about Jeremiah’s call. God telling Jeremiah he was going to be a prophet.<br />1: And Jeremiah protests. “Hey, God, I’m just a kid. I don’t know how to preach.” But God tells Jeremiah he was picked out to be a prophet even before he was conceived in his mother’s womb.<br />2: I sort of imagine all this happening in a big temple, with smoke and fire and lots of pyrotechnics.<br />1: The passage doesn’t say anything like that. This could have been Jeremiah, all alone somewhere, having his conversation with God.<br />2: So let’s read it. This is from the book of Jeremiah.<br />SLIGHT PAUSE<br />1: Now the word of the LORD came. And this is what I was told.<br />2: "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you. I appointed you a prophet to the nations."<br />1: "But, Lord GOD! Really, I do not know how to speak, for I am only a boy."<br />2: "Do not say, 'I am only a boy'; for you shall go to all to whom I send you, and you shall speak whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you.”<br />1: Then the LORD put out his hand and touched my mouth.<br />2: "Now I have put my words in your mouth. See, today I appoint you over nations and over kingdoms, to pluck up and to pull down, to destroy and to overthrow, to build and to plant."<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don't put anything else in that e-mail<br />To Unsubscribe:<br />* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.<br />Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-6739734351144364562010-01-14T10:57:00.000-08:002010-01-14T10:58:01.539-08:00Preaching Materials for January 24th 2010R U M O R S #585<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2010-01-17<br /><br />January 17, 2010<br /><br />THE HOMETOWN BOY<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Motto:<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. <a href="http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/">http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/</a><br /> I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.<br /> Thanks.<br /><br />*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />The Story – getting into trouble<br />Rumors – it takes work<br />Soft Edges – pioneer with words<br />Bloopers – bile study<br />Mirabile Dictu! – pieces of broccoli<br />Bottom of the Barrel – pedestrians and Catholics<br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 4:14-21 (extended to vs. 30)<br />Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rib Tickler – This story, which if it isn’t true at least is recognizable to most clergy. It’s about the preacher who walked into a church school class while it was in progress.<br /> “Let me ask you a question,” said the preacher. “Who broke down the walls of Jericho?” <br /> A red-haired, freckle-faced boy shot his hand up. “I didn’t do it, honest reverend!”<br /> The teacher came to the boy’s defense. “This lad is honest and I believe him. I really don’t think he did it.”<br /> The minister left the room feeling not too well. In the hall was the chair of the worship committee. The minister told the whole story. “The teacher was right,” said the chairperson. “I’ve known both the teacher and the boy for years and neither of them would do such a thing.”<br /> Now the minister felt really unwell.<br /> That night at the board meeting, the whole sad story got told. “Don’t get upset, reverend,” said the chair of the board. “No sense in making a fuss about it. We’ll just pay for the damage to the wall and charge it to maintenance.”<br /> The minister went home and threw up.<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br /><a name="OLE_LINK2"></a><a name="OLE_LINK1">Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, January 24th, which is the Third Sunday after the Epiphany, Year C.</a><br />* Nehemiah 8:1-3, 5-6, 8-10<br />* Psalm 19<br />* 1 Corinthians 12:12-31a<br />* Luke 4:14-21 (extended to vs. 30)<br /><br />The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Luke 4:14-21 (extended to vs. 30). We’ve extended this to verse 30 to get the whole story which the lectionary has divided into two parts. This frees us up to focus on the call of Jeremiah next week.<br /><br />Jim says –<br /> It’s fitting, I suppose, that a lectionary reading should contain a lectionary reading. Scholars have told me that Jewish synagogues had their own lectionary. Apparently they can date this reading’s place in the cycle – but not the year, unfortunately -- when Jesus picked up the scroll to read from Isaiah.<br /> But he only read part of it.<br /> Why stop part way through, and start ad-libbing?<br /> I’m guessing that Jesus was open to inspiration. As he read, he heard Isaiah articulating his own raison d’etre, his own mission statement.<br />Some 700 years earlier, Isaiah had put into words the convictions that Jesus himself had come to, out there in the desert, after the uplifting experience of his baptism by John, in the Jordan.<br /> Isaiah never learned to sugar coat his message, to avoid offending people with power. Neither did Jesus. It was not a politically astute move to insult his fan club.<br /> Just when they were basking in the borrowed glory of a “native son”<br />making good, Jesus tells them, “Leggo my coat-tails! What makes you think I was talking about you? I’m not your poster-child...”<br /> So they turned on him.<br /><br />Ralph says –<br /> Jesus had a peculiar knack of getting himself into trouble. He read that passage from Isaiah, and could have said something innocuous, like, “I’ve got some thoughts arising from this passage that I’d like to share with you.”<br /> No, he says, “Today this scripture has been fulfilled in your hearing.” In other words, “I’m the guy Isaiah was talking about.” Even that is acceptable until he goes on to tell the folks that it’s foreign widows and lepers that will receive God’s gifts, not the good and proper folks there in the synagogue.<br /> Think of a similar scenario. A young person in your church – a young person with assorted hardware in his or her face, is the lector that Sunday, and reads one of the passages about the return of the Messiah. Then this young person looks out at the congregation and with a perfectly straight face says, “I’m it, folks. I’m the Messiah these guys were talking about. And you know something else? God cares more about the HIV positive drunk lying on the street and the malaria infected African pauper, than about you.”<br /> In our congregation at least, people would mutter about getting a shirt with very long sleeves and a well-padded cell in which this young person could proclaim the rest of her/his message. But we wouldn’t do that, of course. We’d just freeze the kid out. In Jesus’ time, they were not as sophisticated and tried to toss him off a cliff.<br /> So let’s not get too hard on the Synagogue leaders in Nazareth. Their response was perfectly understandable, and probably the same as yours and mine would be. And it’s also possible Jesus was a little naïve to expect the leaders of the Nazareth Synagogue to welcome him with open arms.<br /> <br />Nehemiah 8:1-3, 5-6, 8-10 – So often with the Lectionary it’s feast or famine. But it’s easy to see why the Lectionary folks chose this passage to pair with the Luke passage. In both cases we have a proclamation that says, “From here on, everything is going to be different.”<br /> But the passages are not really parallel. It’s the gathered people who told Ezra to read from the scroll. Not only that, but Ezra was a scribe. He had status. And so the response was, to say the least, a little different.<br /> In situations like this it depends more on who is doing the saying, and to whom, than on what is said.<br /><br />Psalm 19 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor<br />(Note: The Lectionary calls for the entire psalm but Jim has chosen to paraphrase verses 7-14.)<br />A good compass has only one virtue – it always points north. A compass that could point in many directions, depending on how it was read, a compass that had to be re-interpreted in each new context, would be useless.<br /> So too with human laws and legal systems.<br />7 Good laws reduce tensions; like a compass, they give direction to the confused.<br />Consider God's laws – their clarity cuts through petty legalism.<br />8 God's principles are straightforward--they have no fine print clauses;<br />God's instructions are never tainted by conflict of interest;<br />you cannot find a flaw in them.<br />9 They do not depend on partial understanding of the truth;<br />they are always true, always consistent, always dependable.<br />By sticking to them, our consciences stay clean;<br />we never feel soiled by circumstances.<br />10 Clear directions are preferable to wealth or power;<br />they are as exhilarating as a spring morning.<br />11 They point us along the proper path;<br />they guide us towards our goal.<br />12 For we cannot be objective about ourselves;<br />But God's standards are not swayed by fads or fashions;<br />like a lens, they let us see ourselves as we are.<br />13 Save me from thinking myself self-sufficient.<br />Keep me from sinking into the quicksand of egotism.<br />Only then can I consider myself clean;<br />Then I can stand straight, slipping off the stresses of success.<br />14 I don't want to live in isolation.<br />I dedicate the work of my hands, the words of my mouth,<br />the thoughts of my mind, to you.<br />You give me my strength and my hope.<br /> From: Everyday Psalms<br /> Wood Lake Publications.<br /> For details, go to <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a><br /><br />1 Corinthians 12:12-31a – This passage has been preached to death, but one point is almost never made. The “unseemly” (KJV) parts of the body are given special honor. Perhaps that’s why certain persons who might be delicately described as “the unseemly parts” of our community get chosen for the most significant offices in the church.<br /><br />As I said above, there’s a batch of good stuff for this Sunday, and that’s evident in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C.” It has stories based on three of the lections. “Going Home,” based on Nehemiah is on page 48, “Each Person Is Important,” based on 1 Corinthians is on page 51, and “Jesus Learns About His Job,” on page 54.<br /> If you’ve not yet acquired this useful resource, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a>, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”<br /> <a href="http://tinyurl.com/2lonod">http://tinyurl.com/2lonod</a><br /> Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rumors – My family must think of me as a bookish person, because books are what I almost always get at Christmas.<br /> I’d prefer something utterly frivolous, like a Porsche, but it’s books I get. My kids obviously think the back porch is more in my old man’s league. And books are cheaper, I suppose, although the gap is closing.<br /> Among the books this Christmas was Diarmaid MacCulloch’s massive “A History of Christianity.” I’ve not yet worked up the courage to start it but Bev says the Introduction is quite readable, which is good news because the thing runs to 1160 pages. Do I really want to know that much Christian history?<br /> I’m currently working on another book I received – Karen Armstrong’s “The Case for God.” She’s usually quite readable, thought provoking and well-researched. And in her introduction, there is a paragraph that deserves quoting in full.<br /> “Religion is a practical discipline that teaches us to discover new capacities of mind and heart. It is no use magisterially weighing up the teachings of religion to judge their truth or falsehood before embarking on a religious way of life. You will discover their truth – or lack of it – only if you translate those doctrines into ritual or ethical action. Like any skill, religion requires perseverance, hard work, and discipline. Some people will be better at it than others, some appallingly inept, and some will miss the point entirely. But those who do not apply themselves will get nowhere at all. Religious people find it hard to explain how their rituals and practices work, just as a skater may not be fully conscious of the physical laws that enable her to glide over the ice on a thin blade.”<br /> A couple of paragraphs later, Armstrong says: “People who acquired this “knack” [of living their religion] discovered a transcendent dimension of life that was not simply an external reality ‘out there’ but was identical with the deepest level of their being.”<br /> Armstrong, for those who may not be familiar with her work, is a former Roman Catholic nun who has developed into a student and journalist of religion, and is probably the best in her field, at least in the English language. Among other things, she has been honored by the Islamic community for her sensitive, accurate and balanced writing about that faith community.<br /> For her to tell us that it really isn’t a matter of how much you know about your faith – of how hard you study and what learned papers you have written – it’s how hard you work at living your faith – for Karen Armstrong to say that is highly significant.<br /> The faith we hold only becomes real when we work hard at living it. Dilettantes – no matter how informed and well-connected they may be – will simply never really get the hang of it.<br /> We work hard at removing the small and large barriers that discourage people from coming to church. I wonder if that’s the right approach. Maybe we should make it really tough. “You want to be part of our community? Then you’d better mean it because you are going to have to work at it.”<br /> No, that’s not where I would plunk down. But it’s worth thinking about.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor<br />Pioneer With Words<br /> I must have been dozing, last October. I missed hearing that Fred Kaan had died.<br /> Fred who, you’re wondering?<br /> Fred Kaan. A small man, with a leprechaun beard, twinkling eyes, and an impish sense of humour. Also perhaps the greatest hymn writer of our time.<br /> As pastor of a local Congregational church in Britain, in the 1960s, he gagged at some of the words in traditional hymns. The hymns didn’t express his theology. Nor, he believed, the theology of his parishioners. But they had nothing else.<br /> So Fred started writing his own words, to go with the old tunes. After a while, the parish put Fred’s new words together in a little book called Pilgrim Praise. And the little book began circulating. First in his own denomination. Then internationally.<br /> Some of those booklets reached North America. Where Fred’s words captured a young musician named Ron Klusmeier. Ron was starting to write church music that used modern harmonies and rhythms.<br /> And a revolution began.<br /> I got to know Fred, at first, through Ron’s enthusiasm for him. Later, I had the privilege of spending several hours in a private interview with Fred.<br /> Fred’s genius was his ability to put into words what people hadn’t yet realized they were thinking.<br /> It’s not the first time the music has been the core of a revolution. Probably the most prolific hymn writers in the Protestant tradition were John and Charles Wesley and Isaac Watts. Watts alone wrote more than 750 hymns, many still sung today.<br /> Gerald Hobbs, former professor of music at Vancouver School of Theology, paints their change with broad strokes. Until then, he says, it was the institutional church that had a relationship with God. The evangelical revival gave ordinary people a personal relationship with God.<br /> Today, we take that notion for granted. Back then, it was radical.<br /> Fred Kaan did the same for our time. Says Hobbs, “No contemporary hymn writer has participated as centrally as Fred Kaan in the events shaping Christian churches in the last four decades....”<br /> Carlton Young, editor of the United Methodist Hymnal, wrote, “Fred's hymns invariably have social justice at their centre. They are cries, laments, and prophecies born in the Church's struggle to be faithful to the gospel....”<br /> Fred Kaan’s hymns didn’t sing of a distant and judgemental God out there somewhere, who expects to be praised with fancy titles. His God is present with us, part of us, within us and surrounding us like the air we breathe.<br /> Others picked up the torch. In Canada, Walter Farquharson, Linnea Good, Sylvia Dunstan, Herbert O’Driscoll, Ian MacDonald and Gordon Light; in the U.S., James Manley, Brian Wren, Ruth Duck, and Jim Strathdee; in New Zealand, Shirley Erena Murray – all drew inspiration from Fred Kaan.<br /> Someone said, “If you want to know what people believe, don’t listen to what they say. Listen to what they sing.”<br /> Lectures and sermons are all very well. But what people hear coming from someone else’s mouth won’t shape their beliefs as much as the words they hear coming from their own mouths.<br /> That’s why it matters what we sing.<br /> Farewell, Fred. Long may your spirit sing.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – from the file<br />* The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.<br />* The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Baines.<br />* Boars of Trustees meet after church today.<br /><br />If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<br /><br />Wish I’d Said That! – Iron rusts from disuse; water loses its purity from stagnation – even so does inaction sap the vigour of the mind.<br /> Leonardo da Vinci via Velia Watts<br /><br />People will love and remember you, not for what you do but for how you make them feel about themselves<br /> source unknown via Margaret Wood<br /><br />Biscuits and sermons are improved by shortening<br /> source unknown<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “pieces of broccoli!”)<br />* Laws Pertaining to Dessert<br /> For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.<br /> But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert. But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.<br /> And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.<br /><br />* Laws When at Table<br /> And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.<br /> Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.<br /> When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.<br /> When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.<br /> Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.<br /> And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.<br /> The list goes on an on, but you get the idea. Write your own.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bottom of the Barrel – George was in New York, and had just been to mass at the biggest church he’d ever seen. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.<br /> The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay, pedestrians!” Then he’d signal the cars to proceed. The policeman had done this several times, and George still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted “pedestrians!” for the tenth time, George went over to him and said, “Isn’t it about time you let us Catholics across?”<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 4:14-21 (extended to vs. 30)Reader 1: Today we have the story of Jesus standing up in the Synagogue in Nazareth, and getting himself into a pile of trouble.<br />Reader 2: Things seem to be going well for him at first. The folks kind of nodded and said, “Well, this is Joseph’s boy. We knew him well. He speaks nicely.” But then everything turns sour.<br />1: Well, Jesus didn’t go to business school to learn how to say nice things that nobody can get mad at. He seemed to have a knack for sticking his foot in his own mouth.<br />2: That’s true, but I’m still not sure what it was that got the folks in the Nazareth Synagogue riled up enough to want to kill him.<br />1: It’s because Jesus told them, we are Jews, and we think we are God’s chosen people. But guess what. God chooses others sometimes too. And he gives a couple of examples. That’s when they tried to toss him off the edge of a cliff.<br />2: So let’s read this story. It’s from Luke’s gospel.<br />SLIGHT PAUSE<br />1: Then Jesus, filled with the power of the Spirit, returned to Galilee, and a report about him spread through all the surrounding country.2: He began to teach in their synagogues and was praised by everyone.1: When Jesus came to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, he went to the synagogue on the Sabbath day, as was his custom. He stood up to read, and the scroll of the prophet Isaiah was given to him. He unrolled the scroll and found the place where it was written:2: "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim release to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to let the oppressed go free, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."1: Then Jesus rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant, and sat down. The eyes of all in the synagogue were fixed on him.2: "Today this scripture has been fulfilled in your hearing."<br />1: All the people in the synagogue spoke well of him and were amazed at the gracious words that came from his mouth. They said, "Is not this Joseph's son?"<br />2: "Doubtless you will quote to me this proverb, 'Doctor, cure yourself!' And you will say, 'Do here also in your hometown the things that we have heard you did at Capernaum.' Truly I tell you, prophets are not accepted in their own hometowns. But the truth is, there were many widows in Israel in the time of Elijah, when the heaven was shut up three years and six months, and there was a severe famine over all the land. Yet Elijah was sent to none of them except to a widow at Zarephath in Sidon. There were also many lepers in Israel in the time of the prophet Elisha, and none of them was cleansed except Naaman the Syrian."<br />1: When they heard this, all in the synagogue were filled with rage. They got up, drove him out of the town, and led him to the brow of the hill on which their town was built, so that they might hurl him off the cliff. But he passed through the midst of them and went on his way.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don't put anything else in that e-mail<br />To Unsubscribe:<br />* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.<br />Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-43714957842523903882010-01-09T10:18:00.000-08:002010-01-09T10:19:27.969-08:00Preaching Materials for January 17, 2010R U M O R S # 584<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2010-01-10<br /><br />January 10th, 2010<br /><br />KEEP THE PARTY GOING<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Motto:<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />IMPORTANT: I really appreciate your notes, and Rumors is the richer for them. To protect me from viruses, please be sure that you put something on the "subject" line that lets me know that you are legit. For instance, the word "Rumors" works. And please give us your name and where you’re from. Folks like to know. Please don’t expect me to remember. My “forgetter” works more efficiently with each passing year.<br />*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />The Story – a mother knows<br />Rumors – whips and wine<br />Soft Edges – going to church<br />Bloopers – a wart torn country<br />Mirabile Dictu! – fringe benefits<br />Bottom of the Barrel – baby cheeses<br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 2:1-11<br />Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rib Tickler – It seems that in one particular town there were two people of the same name. Well almost. Rev. Smith and Mr. Smith.<br /> As it happened Mr. Smith took a trip to India. Coincidentally, Rev. Smith suffered a heart attack and died. Because of an unfortunate mix-up in e-mail addresses, Rev. Smith’s spouse received the following note with other condolences.<br /> “Arrived safely. Unprepared for extreme heat.”<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, January 17th, which is the Second Sunday after the Epiphany.<br />* Isaiah 62:1-5<br />* Psalm 36:5-10<br />* 1 Corinthians 12:1-11<br />* John 2:1-11<br /><br />The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – John 2:1-11<br />Jim says –<br /> I want to explore the nature of intoxication. It must be something we enjoy – or we wouldn’t pursue it so much. Granted, we all know that alcohol dulls the senses. But it’s not just alcohol that intoxicates. We also fall in love (sometimes over and over again). We ride snowmobiles at dizzying speeds, or go bungee jumping, or white water rafting.... We love that adrenalin rush, that feeling of shaking off the fetters of inhibition, the exhilaration of launching ourselves into a new adventure.<br /> Under the spell of intoxication, everything seems clearer. Skies seem bluer, brighter. Roses smell sweeter. Cares drop away. Our lives take on a clarity of purpose we could not have imagined otherwise.<br /> It’s that kind of intoxication that Gordon Light evokes in his song “Cana Wine.” (http://www.commoncup.com/catalog/index.htm if you want to pursue it.) And it’s that kind of intoxication that Paul promises in Corinthians. Look at his list of gifts that come with the Spirit: wisdom, knowledge, healing, miracles, prophecy, speaking in tongues....<br /> We in the mainline denominations are terrified of intoxication. That’s why – officially at least – we oppose alcohol abuse. And why we’re suspicious of pentecostal experiences. We’re afraid of losing control, of setting aside our critical faculties.<br /> We don’t dare abandon ourselves to spirits, or to the Spirit.<br /> But Jesus – unless we choose to ignore John’s testimony – created 120-plus gallons of wine for the guests. You better bet some of them got intoxicated. They lost control.<br /> Just like the disciples did, at Pentecost.<br /><br />Ralph says<br /> One of the things I love about John’s gospel is that the writer has Jesus, for his first miracle, keep the party going. And the story right after that has Jesus angrily wading right into a place where ordinary folks are getting ripped off and physically wrecks the place.<br /> Later in that gospel there are those interminably long, mind-numbing theological discourses. It’s hard to believe that a wine-making, table-turning man would ever talk that way.<br /> I spent six weeks in Israel some years ago studying biblical archeology and John’s gospel. As an exercise, I stripped all the theological discourse out of the gospel to see what was left, and discovered to my surprise, a short but complete story of an energetic and loveable Jesus.<br /> The Cana wine story is delightful for a number of other reasons. When Jesus snaps at his mom for suggesting he can do something about the wine shortage, she ignores him totally and tells the servants to “Do whatever he tells you.” She knows. And of course Jesus comes through in spades.<br /> Another delightful thing is that there are at least three locations in Israel that claim to be the biblical Cana and have absolutely the exact water jugs Jesus used to make the wine.<br /> Which reminds me of the story of two churches in Europe – France, I think – that both claimed to have the desiccated head of John the Baptizer. When this was called to the attention of the priest in one of the churches, the reply was, “Well, theirs is the head of John the Baptizer as a young man.”<br /><br />Isaiah 62:1-5 – I had a long conversation a few days ago with a young man who is serving a parish in another denomination. The problems he talked about are exactly the same kind of problem we have in my own denomination. In fact, all the main-line denominations in Canada are suffering from a loss of member participation, and the consequent loss of money. At the same gathering, I talked with an older clergy and we laughed together about the good old days when the church had things like money. Nowadays the conversations are largely about how to cut back with the least damage possible. Not healthy at all.<br /> I don’t know if this is the situation outside of Canada, though I rather suspect it may be. But perhaps this passage can come to us as a word of hope. We are in the valley of the shadow, covered with bones (to mix a couple of references) but God knows where it is all leading even if we don’t.<br /><br />Psalm 36:5-10 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor<br />5 Your door is always open, God.<br />You stand at your door, and welcome all who come to it.<br />6 Entry to your home is not limited to your friends,<br />your associates, your social class.<br />You extend your welcome to everyone and everything:<br />Beggars and outcasts, oppressors and victims,<br />People who have handicaps and drifters<br />who huddle under bridges and in culverts.<br />From the rats cowering in their sewers<br />to the birds soaring among the clouds–<br />You make them all welcome in your home.<br />7 All of creation is your household, God.<br />All can live together in harmony under your roof.<br />8 In your kitchens they are fed;<br />In your living room, they are entertained and uplifted.<br />9 For you are life itself.<br />10 Continue to give us life, O Lord.<br />Show us how to live in harmony in your home.<br /> From: Everyday Psalms<br /> Wood Lake Publications.<br /> For details, go to <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a><br /><br />1 Corinthians 12:1-11 – This passage of Paul’s letter implies a big question. Can you be a Christian all by yourself? Paul’s answer is a firm “no.” Everyone of us is incomplete. Not a single one of us has all the gifts needed to live a Christian life.<br /> It also implies a huge affirmation. Everyone of us has gifts to offer, and we are needed by the community. No exceptions. And we need the community, not only to discover our gifts, but to help us realize there are some things we just can’t and shouldn’t do. Much as we might like to.<br /><br />You’ll find a children’s version of the Corinthian passage in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C,” page 45, called “Many Different Kinds of People.” There’s also a story based on the gospel passage called “The Wonderful Wedding Party,” on page 47.<br /> If you don’t own this helpful three-volume resource, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a>, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”<br /> <a href="http://tinyurl.com/2lonod">http://tinyurl.com/2lonod</a><br /> Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rumors – Whips and wine<br />This is not a re-telling of John’s Gospel. I let my imagination loose and soon I had a story that featured Mary of Magdala who isn’t in the first part of John and isn’t connected the wedding in Cana or the cleansing of the temple.<br /> It’s a story. Enjoy it and see if it talks to you.<br /><br />I had a song going through my head...<br /> "Cana wine, Cana wine,<br /> working on my heart and mind..."<br /> And you know how it is. Once you get a song like that in your head, you keep humming it over and over. And I felt just great, because it really was such a wonderful wedding there in Cana. Such a celebration. We laughed. We cried. We danced.<br /> I drank a bit too much, I guess. O, I wasn't out of control or anything, but I woke up the next day with a headache, a bad headache actually, but that song kept running through the headache. Sick and happy at the same time.<br /> Now as we walked toward Jerusalem, I kept singing the song...<br /> "....flowing free, filling me,<br /> till I lose all sense of time..."<br /> "Mary!" Jesus spoke almost sharply. We had stopped to rest by a spring in a wadi. "We have to walk more quickly or we won't reach Jerusalem before Passover."<br /> "And I'm slowing you down?" I asked.<br /> "Yes. No. Not really. I'm sorry, Mary." Jesus was smiling but I could tell he was worried. I knew his moods. I could sense his fears. He was a strong man, but a man nevertheless, and sometimes afraid.<br /> "Mary, when you were so sick, in Magdala, when we first met. And I was able to help you get rid of that sickness, those demons that were destroying you...do you remember how at first you were angry at me?"<br /> "Yes. It's always scary to change. I guess I'd grown comfortable with my own sickness. That was my identity. When you took that away, I had to change, and I don't think I wanted to."<br /> Jesus looked very sober. Then he grinned. "Let's get going. Sing the song a bit faster, Mary. It'll speed us up a little."<br /> It wasn't till we were near Jerusalem that Jesus began talking about the temple and the money changers. "They charge a whole day’s wages just to change foreign coins into temple money. That's way too much. It's not fair to the poor people. And the price for those animals for sacrifice? An animal costs ten times as much in the temple as it does in the marketplace. And Mary, God doesn't even want those burnt offerings. God wants our hearts, not burnt meat."<br /> Jesus walked in silence for awhile. There was a fire building in his eyes. The muscles in his jaw pulsed under his beard.<br /> "And the Gentiles. That's all they can see of the temple. All they get is the yelling and shouting and the money changing and the stink. And that's where they're supposed to pray. They can't get any further inside the temple. Can you imagine trying to pray in a place like that?"<br /> I'd never been to Jerusalem. This was my first visit and till this moment, I'd been excited and happy.<br /> "What are you going to do, Jesus?"<br /> "I shouldn't do anything. If I'm smart, I'll keep my mouth shut."<br /> "You're not much good at being smart when you're upset, Jesus." That comment got me an annoyed look, then a grudging smile.<br /> Jesus didn't tell me what he planned to do in the temple. I don't think he knew himself. But the more he thought about the temple, the more he got upset.<br /> We stopped at Bethany, just outside Jerusalem, to stay with our friends, the sisters Mary and Martha and their brother Lazarus. It was a pleasant evening, catching up on old friends, gentle arguments, new ideas. They wanted to know all about the wedding in Cana. I told them how we seemed to run out of wine, then suddenly there were six huge jars full of the best wine we ever tasted.<br /> "Hey, wasn't that a party?" Lazarus said. He suspected Jesus had something to do with the wine, but Jesus just smiled and wouldn't say a thing.<br /> The next morning, Jesus was up and gone before I was awake.<br /> "He went to the temple," said Martha.<br /> "But we were going to go together!" I was angry.<br /> "I think he needed to go alone," said Martha. "He seemed to have something very heavy on his mind."<br /> "He's upset about the money changers, Martha. I'm just afraid he's going to do something crazy that'll get him into trouble."<br /> Which is exactly what happened. He came rushing in at noon that day. His cloak was torn. He had an ugly bruise on his cheek. And as I went to him, I smelled the acrid sweat of tension.<br /> "We have to go right away, Mary," he said.<br /> "But I haven't been to the temple yet. I haven't even been into Jerusalem."<br /> "I'm sorry. All right." he snapped.<br /> And so we left and walked together in a tense, unhappy silence. But then, the hard walking – the coolness of the evening seemed to dissipate the fear and anger and frustration of the day. Leaning against a rock that night, Jesus told me what he had done, how he had gone into the temple intent on simply explaining why things needed to change.<br /> "I tried to tell them how evil it was to do this in the temple. But nobody would listen. I lost my temper," Jesus said sadly. "I just lost it and I started turning over tables and lashing out at people and yelling at them. I even made a whip and started beating at them."<br /> I sighed. "And they'll be no more grateful to you than I was, when you purged the evil from my life."<br /> The sun had set. The shadows closed around us. The evening star was bright and clear against the gathering darkness.<br /> "It's better to make wine," I said.<br /> "Hmmm?"<br /> "It's better to make wine than whips. Good wine softens the soul. A whip hardens the heart."<br /> Jesus looked long and deeply at the evening star. "Amen, Mary," he finally said, and closed his eyes into an exhausted sleep.<br /> There were more stars now. Have you noticed that in the night, there is more darkness in the sky than there is light? But it's the light we see. It's the light that shines into our soul.<br /> And so I sang my song into myself and to the stars...<br /> "....a new life's rising in me too,<br /> like an overflowing stream,<br /> and it comes from the taste of Cana wine..."*<br />*Common Cup Company,<br />from Turnings, Music Resources for Lent and Easter,<br />United Church Publishing House, Toronto.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor<br />Going to Church<br /> “Why do you go to church?” a correspondent asked.<br /> I’ve wondered that myself. As regular readers have long deduced, I don’t believe any church is perfect. Nor do I consider all the teachings of any church absolute, authoritative.<br /> To tell the truth, I probably go to church mostly out of habit. My father was a minister; I didn't have much choice about going as a child. As a teenager, I got drafted to teach Sunday school; as an adult, I got put onto boards and committees; in later life, the church hired me as a journalist...<br /> In other words, I've been involved with church all my life. I would find it hard to imagine life without some connection to it.<br /> But even as I write that, I realize it's not an adequate answer.<br /> I have friends there, of course. But I have had friends in other organizations too – Scouts, Rotary, charitable organizations...<br /> Perhaps we’re friends because we share the habit of church-going.<br /> Or maybe there's more – we share a common conviction that religious beliefs matter, even if we don't agree on what those beliefs are, or should be.<br /> Other social contacts seem to take for granted that the purpose of life is to make money, to stay healthy, to enjoy oneself, or serve others, to get an adrenalin rush...<br /> Church, when it goes well, reminds me that I am part of a larger scheme of things.<br /> That doesn’t necessarily imply a supernatural being who pulls the strings of the universe. I don’t believe that God – by whatever name -– deliberately causes a landslide to wipe out a village in the Philippines or an earthquake to crumble a city in Pakistan. Nor do I believe that God meddles in life so that one football team wins, or that one person's cancer is cured and another's isn't. I certainly don't believe in an almighty watchmaker who determined, eons ago, which mosquito will get slapped when it lands on my arm.<br /> But I do believe that there is some kind of purpose and meaning to life. If everything happens by random chance – more precisely, if cause and effect unfold predictably after an unpredictable singularity –- why should I bother being kind, thoughtful, sensitive...?<br /> Isn’t it all inevitable, anyway?<br /> How that purpose, that meaning, comes into being, doesn’t matter to me. What matters is trying to live in harmony with it.<br /> I've been fortunate in having ministers who were secure enough in their own faith that they could push me to explore mine, without feeling threatened by where that exploration might take me.<br /> If I got a minister who was less open, I might have to look for another church. Or I might have to learn to turn my mind off while enjoying my friendships.<br /> But I think I would still have to connect to a church –- some church, somewhere –- to keep reminding me that I am not all there is.<br /> There is more.<br /> Even if I don’t understand what it is.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Alissa Bender of Calgary Alberta writes: “This typo almost made it into our bulletin. The corrected sentence is a tragic enough reality to face that maybe it was a bit of a relief to have a chance to have a chuckle about the blooper. We were told that an offering would be received for the work of "rebuilding health services in the wart-torn country of Congo".<br /><br />From the file:<br />* I was hungry and you gave me something to eat; I was thirty and you gave me drink.<br />* We are an autonomous body, operating under the hardship of Jesus Christ.<br /><br />If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<br /><br />Wish I’d Said That! – The cure for the evils of democracy is more democracy.<br /> H. L. Mencken via Eduard Hiebert<br /><br />Religious belief can be very close to madness. It has brought human beings to acts of criminal folly, as well as to the highest achievements of goodness, creativity and generosity.<br /> Diarmaid MacCulloch<br /><br />What lies behind us and what lies before us are inconsequential compared to what lies within us.<br /> source unknown via Don Sandin<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “fringe benefits!”) This from “figmo” who either doesn’t want to admit sending stuff like this to me, or thinks I remember his/her name. Thanks, whoever you are.<br />Subject: How to Stay Safe<br />1.. Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20% of all fatal accidents. <br />2. Do not stay home because 17% of all accidents occur in the home. <br />3. Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks because 14% of all accidents occur to pedestrians. <br />4. Avoid traveling by air, rail, or water because 16% of all accidents involve these forms of transportation. <br />5. Of the remaining 33%, 32% of all deaths occur in Hospitals. So, above all else, avoid hospitals.<br /> However, you will be pleased to learn that only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are usually related to previous physical disorders. Therefore, logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any given time is at church!<br /> And Bible study is safe, too. The percentage of deaths during Bible study is even less. So, attend church, and read your Bible. It could save your life.<br /> You can go to church and just sit there being safe, which lots of people do. But if you move around a bit and get talking to some of the folks, you’ll find a whole batch of really neat fringe benefits.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bottom of the Barrel – George Brigham of Retford, Nottinghamshire, England writes: “A colleague was leading an all-age service on Christmas Day. During part of the service an idea adapted from Pictionary was used. The minister whispered various elements of the Christmas story in the ears of obliging children. The recipient of the message was asked to draw on a whiteboard at the front.<br /> “The congregation were then invited to guess who, or what was drawn. Part way through, the minister whispered in a 10-year-old's ear. Out front he proudly drew some wedge shaped objects, but no one could guess where they fitted in the story.<br /> "’What have you drawn?’" the minister finally asked the child.<br /> “The child was surprised that the minister couldn’t remember. ‘Baby cheeses, of course.’"<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 2:1-11<br />(NOTE: It would be good if Reader 1 were female.)<br />Reader 1: Today, the story is about the time Jesus turned the water into wine. And this puzzles me, because I can remember when most churches were dead against alcohol. Ever. Under any circumstances.<br />Reader 2: It wasn’t long ago when alcoholic drinks of any kind were outlawed in many parts of the world. And it was the churches that were most against it.<br />1: So how did they reconcile that, and this story. Here right near the beginning of John’s gospel. Jesus’ very first miracle was to keep the party going.<br />2: Social change. Who knows how it happens? So I really can’t answer your question.<br />1: When we were looking at this scripture earlier, you were giggling about Mary, Jesus mother. What did you find so funny?<br />2: Well, she’s the typical mother, isn’t she? They run out of wine and she goes to Jesus with the problem. Jesus snaps at her and basically tells her to cool it. He’s not ready to do his magic act. She ignores him and tells the stewards just to do what Jesus tells them. You can almost feel her giving Jesus a good stern motherly look. And of course, he does what his mama tells him. He makes the wine. Not just wine, but the best wine ever, even though most of the folks at the wedding reception were already too sloshed to know the difference.<br />1: So let’s read the story. It’s from the second chapter of John’s gospel.<br />SLIGHT PAUSE<br />2: On the third day there was a wedding in Cana of Galilee, and the mother of Jesus was there. Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding. When the wine gave out, the mother of Jesus spoke to him.<br />1: "They have no wine."2: "Woman, what concern is that to you and to me? My hour has not yet come."1: “Hey, servants! Do whatever Jesus tells you."2: Now standing there were six stone water jars for the Jewish rites of purification.<br />1: Each one of those jars would hold twenty or thirty gallons. So Jesus spoke to the servants.2: "Fill the jars with water." 1: Which is what they did. They filled them up to the brim.2: "Now draw some out, and take it to the chief steward."<br />1: So they took the wine to the steward who tasted the water that had become wine, and did not know where it came from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew.<br />2: Then the steward called to the bridegroom.1: "Everyone serves the good wine first, and then the inferior wine after the guests have become drunk. But you have kept the good wine until now."2: Jesus did this, the first of his signs, in Cana of Galilee, and revealed his glory. And his disciples believed in him.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don't put anything else in that e-mail<br />To Unsubscribe:<br />* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.<br />Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-15223085703724011762009-12-31T19:28:00.000-08:002009-12-31T19:29:19.799-08:00Praching Materials for January 10, 2010R U M O R S # 583<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2010-01-03<br /><br />January 3, 2010<br /><br />BAPTISMAL THEATRE<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Motto:<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Now’s the time to live up to that New Year’s resolution you should have made to put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. <a href="http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/">http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/</a><br /> I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.<br /> Thanks.<br /><br />*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />The Story – graduation day<br />Rumors – nativity controversy<br />Soft Edges – keep our ancestors alive<br />Bloopers – the joke is easy<br />We Get Letters – (see Rumors above)<br />Mirabile Dictu! – bladder urge<br />Bottom of the Barrel – the Goldberg brothers<br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 3:15-17, 21-22<br />Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rib Tickler – Grandma and grandpa were celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. The local reporter came and asked them all kinds of ridiculous questions, such as, “Do you participate in sports?”<br /> “Nope!” said Grandma. “My parents won’t let me.”<br /> “Your parents?”<br /> “Yep. Mother Nature and Father Time.”<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<a name="OLE_LINK1">*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*</a><br /><br />Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, January 10th, which is “The Baptism of Our Lord Sunday,” and for which the suggested readings are:<br />* Isaiah 43:1-7<br />* Psalm 29<br />* Acts 8:14-17<br />* Luke 3:15-17, 21-22<br /><br />The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – is Luke 3:15-17, 21-22<br />Jim says –<br /> The image that comes to mind, for me, is a university graduation. This particular reading from Luke could imply that Jesus alone went into the river with John. But the other gospels make clear that large numbers of people flocked to the Jordan – to see and hear John, to experience his immersion as a sign of repentance and new beginnings.<br /> So I visualize lines of people inching forward. When they get to the podium – or the river – the presider says some mumbo-jumbo over them, perhaps places a hood on their shoulders or a mortarboard on their heads, hands them a rolled certificate... And the assembly line grinds on.<br /> For Jesus, of course, there was no diploma or scarlet hood. Rather, God’s spirit settled upon him. He had graduated from his preparatory years. Now he could go out and practice the profession God had in mind for him.<br /> Luke makes that connection with his next verse: “Jesus was about 30 years old when he began his work...”<br /> But a graduation is also for friends and relatives. I would wonder who else observed Jesus graduation ceremony, there at the river. Were his parents there? His siblings? Every graduate is special, of course. But who else sat in the bleachers to cheer him on? Whose hearts swelled with pride as John dipped Jesus under the water? Who else sensed light shining on their special one, like a dove lighting on his shoulders?<br /> The concept of a graduation ceremony gives me a different perspective from which to view this turning point in Jesus’ life.<br /><br />Ralph says –<br /> Although the details differ considerably, this story of Jesus’ baptism occurs in all four gospels, which means it must have been very important to the early Christian community. Baptism, as an act of entry into the Christian community, has been a central symbol of the Christian church ever since. And it still is, at least for all the major denominations.<br /> “The church and the theatre are children of the same womb,” says Tom Driver. Baptism is a bit of theatre. God does not need water – sprinkled, poured or dipped in – to enter our hearts and become the creative force in our lives. God didn’t need it for Jesus and the early church. God doesn’t need it now. But we need it because there are some things words simply can’t do.<br /> The act of baptism is a way of dramatizing a truth, a reality. The dramatization helps those involved and those who are watching, understand a deeper realty that is beyond the power of words. “A visible and outward sign of an inner spiritual realty,” is a way of saying this without using naughty words like “drama” and “theatre.”<br /> But if we thought of this sacrament as theatre we would find many small and big ways of underlining its significance in the faith community. This is already happening in many places, including the congregation where I worship. There’s oil, there’s a candle, there’s a certificate.<br /> Baptism may again have the power it had for the early Christian community.<br /><br />Isaiah 43:1-7 – The prophet is using some broad metaphors here. Those who take the reading literally tend to wind up drowned or fried. What the reading underlines, for me at least, is the power of God that makes it possible to do things you never thought possible.<br /> For me that includes gathering the 8,147 souls from the four corners of the globe (see vs. 5 & 6) to read this thing called Rumors. It’s both gratifying and frightening.<br /><br />Psalm 29 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor<br />Celebrating Baptism<br />A river in flood is an awesome sight.<br />1 Don't try to cross the river alone, my child.<br />2 Let your father carry you.<br />3 The waves are higher than your head;<br />the torrent will sweep you away.<br />4,5 It rolls the rocks in their beds;<br />it bites earth from its banks;<br />even mighty trees topple and fall.<br />6 But you will be safe in your father's arms.<br />He will hold your head above water;<br />7 His feet will stand firm against the flood.<br />8 Trust him.<br />Wrap your arms around his neck, where he can murmur comfort in your ear.<br />9 Then you will know the torrent cannot touch you.<br />11 Your father is much stronger than you are.<br />Trust him to carry you to safety.<br /> From: Everyday Psalms<br /> Wood Lake Publications.<br /> For details, go to <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a><br /><br />Acts 8:14-17 – This passage is a bit puzzling because most of us (I think) see baptism as a symbol of the entry of the Holy Spirit into our lives. Adult baptism at least.<br /> But as I sit here thinking of this, I realize that many Christians would insist that a powerful experience, a moment of deep emotion, a “born again” experience, is the time when the Spirit genuinely enters our lives.<br /><br />For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C,” page 40, for a story called “Throw Your Money in the River,” which expands the reading in Acts to tell the entire story. And on page 43 you’ll find a story based on the reading from Luke, and it’s called “Jesus is Baptized.”<br /> There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a>, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”<br /> <a href="http://tinyurl.com/2lonod">http://tinyurl.com/2lonod</a><br /> Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rumors – This periodical is not a vehicle for theological or biblical discussion, but I think I need to respond to all the letters I’ve received about the Nativity story I ran in Rumors just before Christmas. The thing that generated all the letters was a story in which Mary was raped by a Roman soldier.<br /> A few of the responses were wildly appreciative. A few others were angrily critical. Most were somewhere in-between and they were kind and thoughtful.<br /> It doesn't concern me when people disagree with what I write in Rumors. If you agreed with everything I say, then I probably haven’t said very much.<br /> I write my stories in the Jewish tradition of the Aggada, where, when you can't explain something, you tell a story. The story won't explain it either, but it will lead you to something more important. And that is a sense of God's presence in your unknowing. You will be refreshed by that mystery. Because a mystery is not a puzzle to be solved, but a well to which you can go over and over, to find refreshment.<br /> Perhaps I should have explained that story ahead of time, but then that might have destroyed the story. Good stories can never be explained.<br /> Maybe I should have said this. Such stories are never an attempt to re-write history. Or to deny scripture. They are an attempt to shine a light on the story from a different angle.<br /> Among the mysteries where I have found refreshment over and over again is the mystery of God's continual choice of the lowest, the meanest, the most despised, the rejected, to live the truth. That happens over and over again in the Hebrew tradition, and Jesus continued that tradition in his choice of disciples. And I feel the tradition continues now, because how else can I explain my call as a Christian writer?<br /> So to understand that mystery – that miracle – I had Mary in my story, raped by a Roman soldier. That would have put her below the bottom of the social ladder. I did that to underline that mystery – a God who continually goes to the most despised and rejected – to find the people who can – who will – respond to the call.<br /> The story was not an attempt to re-write Luke's gospel though many understood it that way, which I regret. And it was certainly not an attempt to show that God could not – did not – work miracles.<br /> I've received a lot of letters about that story – more than about anything else I've written recently. By far the greatest number have come from women (though a few men have said this too) who had been sexually abused in a number of ways. They were deeply grateful to read a story about someone who had been so violated – "soiled" was a word one woman used – that they might be chosen by God to birth a miracle. I don't think they were trying to re-write the story. They wanted to broaden it to include people like them.<br /> That may not be an adequate response to all your concerns. It has certainly generated a lot of thought and generated a lot of feelings, all of which is good.<br /> And deep thanks to all of you who have written. It has been for me a powerful and affirming experience.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor<br />Keeping Our Ancestors Alive<br /> When my wife Joan was about four years old, her father made her a doll crib. She treasured it. When Joan grew up and left home, her parents gave the crib to a young niece. But she always knew the crib was Joan’s.<br /> Last year that niece telephoned Joan. “I thought we had lost your old crib,” she said, “but I found it. Do you want it back?”<br /> The old crib had been repainted, several times. Its joints were breaking apart. But it was still the beloved old crib.<br /> Over the summer, Joan stripped many layers of paint. She sanded the bare wood smooth again. She repainted it its original white. She made a new mattress for it, sewed two new sheets and a pillow with lace trim, even stitched a tiny quilt.<br /> We took the refurbished crib to Edmonton as a Christmas present for five-year-old Katherine.<br /> “Your great-grandfather made this crib,” Joan explained.<br /> Katherine was, I regret to say, unimpressed. Katherine preferred her kiddy rock-star guitar, or the Barbie-doll that sang a single mindless tune into a karaoke microphone.<br /> After all, neither the crib nor the doll lying in it did anything. They didn’t make sounds, they didn’t dance, they didn’t offer interactive beeps – they just, well, lay there…<br /> I admit that I was disappointed. Somehow, I expected Katherine to feel thrilled at receiving something that had already survived three generations.<br /> But history, I realize, means little to a generation raised on instant everything.<br /> And my generation has not succeeding in bringing the past alive, I regret.<br /> We tend to think that we must teach the past as academic data and dates. Facts – the Taylors came from Scotland, the Andersons from Sweden, the Rentz family from Ohio, the Frackeltons from Northern Ireland…. Assorted dates – 1800, 1827, 1907, 1910, 1930….<br /> But it’s stories that make the past come to life. Stories about the carpenter who had to make his own tools. The merchant who opened the bank’s very first account. The missionary who had given up hopes of getting married…<br /> We need to tell these stories until they become so familiar they form a background to every daily activity, a running counterpoint to life’s familiar themes.<br /> We might learn something from what we often consider more primitive societies. In a sense, they don’t just know about their ancestors – they are their ancestors. Biblical people, for example, didn’t just learn about Abraham and Jacob and Moses, about Sarah and Rachel and Esther. They made no distinction between themselves and their ancestors.<br /> This integration of past and present is not always benign. Neighbours will get along without violence for generations – in Bosnia or Northern Ireland or Africa – until circumstances re-ignite their forebears’ feuds..<br /> Because the feuds were kept alive by the stories they told.<br /> That’s not good. But neither is it good to ignore our past, to live in a world that knows nothing but the present.<br /> When we have no past, we cannot learn from it.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – from the file<br />* Child care provided with reservations.<br />* Mark your calendars not to attend the church retreat.<br />* My joke is easy and my burden is light.<br /><br />And this one. It’s been here in Rumors before (well, so has a lot of other stuff) but it needs to be repeated in view of today’s scripture. It was the lector who said solemnly, “Today we will hear the story of how Jesus was baptized by Jordan in the John.”<br /><br />If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<br /><br />Wish I’d Said That! – Religion should arise from the experience of all things."<br /> Albert Einstein via Stephani Keer<br /><br />Take hope from the human heart and we become a beast of prey.<br /> Marie Louise de la Ramce<br /><br />Minds are like parachutes – not much good unless they are open.<br /> source unknown via Evelyn McLachlan<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />We Get Letters – see “Rumors” above for news about some particularly energetic feedback.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “bladder urge!”) What with the New Year and a new decade, and my own celebration of three-quarters of a century, age is a bit on my mind. Those of you who have not yet reached this exalted status known as “old age” have this to look forward to.<br />* Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.<br />* The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.<br />* You feel like the morning after the night before, and you haven’t been anywhere.<br />* Your “little black book” contains only names ending in MD.<br />* You get winded playing cards.<br />* Your children begin to look middle-aged.<br />* You join a health club and don’t go.<br />* A dripping faucet causes an uncomfortable bladder urge.<br />* You know all the answers but nobody asks the questions.<br />* You look forward to a dull evening.<br />* You need your glasses to find your glasses.<br />* You turn out the lights for economic reasons.<br />* You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.<br />* You knees buckle but your belt won’t.<br />* Your back goes out more than you do.<br />* You have too much room in your house and not enough in your medicine chest.<br />* You sink your teeth into a good steak and they stay there.<br />* You wonder why more people aren’t using big print.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bottom of the Barrel – This from Clayton McWhirter of Gibbons Alberta:<br /> The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 40C.<br /> The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.<br /> Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.<br /> They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.<br /> The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.<br /> The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.<br /> Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.<br /> They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.<br /> And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.<br /> So, now you know...<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 3:15-17, 21-22<br />Reader 1: Today in our scripture we have the story of how Jesus was baptized.<br />Reader 2: Yes, and it must have been an important story for the early church because all four Gospels tell it.<br />1: Exactly the same story?<br />2: No, the details are different. But the main story is there. Jesus was baptized in the Jordan River by John.<br />1: Did John dip his hand into the water and dribble it on Jesus’ forehead? Did he pour the water from a jug? Did he dunk Jesus right under the water? Here in our church we ____________________.<br />2:In biblical times, there was only one kind of baptism and that was by full immersion.<br />1: So let’s read the story. It’s from the gospel of Luke, the third chapter.<br />2: Just a sec. We need a bit of context. Israel was not a free country. It was ruled by Rome through a puppet governor named Herod. And there was rumor going around the entire Jewish community – a rumor about a savior, a messiah – someone who would come and kick out the hated Romans and restore their freedom. Israel would again be ruled by a kind and loving king like King David. So when the prophet John began to preach and to baptize people, the rumor went around that maybe John was the Messiah they were hoping for.<br />1: OK, let’s try again. This is from the third chapter of Luke’s gospel.<br />SLIGHT PAUSE<br />2: The people were filled with expectation, and all were questioning in their hearts concerning John. Could he be the Messiah? Here’s what John said to them.<br />1:"I baptize you with water; but one who is more powerful than I am coming. I am not worthy to untie the thong of his sandals. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire.<br /> His winnowing fork is in his hand, to clear his threshing floor and to gather the wheat into his granary; but the chaff he will burn with unquenchable fire."<br />2: Now when all the people were baptized, and when Jesus also had been baptized and was praying, the heaven was opened, and the Holy Spirit descended upon Jesus in bodily form like a dove. And a voice came from heaven.<br />1: "You are my Son, the Beloved. With you I am well pleased."<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don't put anything else in that e-mail<br />To Unsubscribe:<br />* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.<br />Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-82514425774029152022009-12-26T11:09:00.001-08:002009-12-26T11:09:58.897-08:00Preaching Materials for January 3rd, 2010R U M O R S # 582<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2009-12-27<br /><br />December 27th, 2009<br /><br />BEFORE THE BIG BANG<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Motto:<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Best wishes for a joyful, creative New Year, full of just the right balance of challenges and possibilities. Or at least a year with more smiles than frowns.<br /> Blessings in 2010 from Jim and Ralph<br /><br />*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />The Story – imagine nothing<br />Rumors – New Year’s resolutions<br />Soft Edges – unholy Christmas carols<br />Bloopers – holy weed<br />We Get Letters – crawl on your knees<br />Mirabile Dictu! – repentagon<br />Bottom of the Barrel – name the shepherds<br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 1:(1-9), 10-18<br />Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rib Tickler – This from Margaret Wood.<br /> 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' At that moment a youngster in the front row asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><a name="OLE_LINK2"></a><a name="OLE_LINK1"> </a><br />Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, January 3rd, which is the Second Sunday after Christmas Day.<br />* Jeremiah 31:7-14 or Sirach 24:1-12<br />* Psalm 147:12-20 or Wisdom of Solomon 10:15-21<br />* Ephesians 1:3-14<br />* John 1:(1-9), 10-18<br /><br />The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – John 1:(1-9), 10-18<br /> Jim is up to his eyebrows in grandchildren this Christmas season, so his normal blurb isn’t available.<br /><br />Ralph says –<br /> I’ve not wanted to be a scientist since Santa brought me a “Junior Scientist” kit when I was about 10. I managed to thoroughly stink up the house. The less than encouraging comments from my three older sisters convinced me that my career objectives should involve clean-up work in a fish cannery or the handling of stinky garbage. As it turned out, I didn’t manage those either.<br /> But I do enjoy popular science. I watch “Nova” on PBS and I subscribe to “Discover” magazine. And every once in awhile, in a piece on quantum physics or relativity I hear them saying that in the undiscovered beyond there is a reality – something totally “other” that we don’t have the minds to conceive.<br /> I remember some sage declaring that when the mathematicians and physicists have climbed the tallest scientific mountain – when they have reached the end of their discovering – they will find God. I also remember a conversation with Madeleine L’Engle who told me she found more good theology in quantum physics than in the seminaries.<br /> In the “Lectionary Story Bible” version of this story (Year A, page 37) I ask the children to imagine there is nothing. “No stars. No animals. No people. No you. Just nothing.” Children can probably do that more easily than adults. But it would be fun to challenge adults to do just that, in order to get a sense of what John was talking about in verse one. John’s verse one statement, as far as I can figure, has not yet been challenged by science because science has not yet reached that “beginning.” Almost, but not yet.<br /> And if they do, will any human be able to conceive, much less describe, what they find?<br /><br />Psalm 147:12-20 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor<br />Ralph Milton and I discussed our images of God one day. We concluded that most of the time God feels more like a mother than a father.<br />12 Thank God that God does things differently.<br />13 By the wisdom of this world, an unborn child has no value.<br />It has no name; it is not yet a person.<br />Yet while it is still in the womb, it somersaults with joy.<br />14 Its mother's eyes shine with hope;<br />her breasts swell with the milk of life.<br />15 To the mother, the unborn child within matters more than any international agreement;<br />she wraps it in her own body.<br />16 God carries us in her womb.<br />With her own lifeblood, God feeds us.<br />Like mother preparing a nursery for her newborn,<br />God readies the earth to receive us.<br />17 Winter gives way to spring;<br />frozen hearts thaw;<br />tightly buttoned spirits burst into fragile new leaf.<br />18 That is God's way:<br />out of darkness comes light;<br />out of ice, water;<br />out of pain and struggle, new life.<br />19 That is how God gives birth.<br />20 Others may not recognize this mystery.<br />But to us God has revealed the miracle.<br />Our cry of weakness is a cry of triumph;<br />our thirst invites us to lie close to the heart of God and drink our fill.<br /> God does things differently. Thank God.<br /> From: Everyday Psalms<br /> Wood Lake Publications.<br /> For details, go to <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a><br /><br />Jeremiah 31:7-14 – I’ve been reading a fairly heavy tome titled “Christianity and Ethnicity in Canada.” In the course of their findings, the various authors tell us the mainline churches are sliding in numbers and they haven’t seen the bottom yet.<br /> Increasingly, we are the faithful remnant Jeremiah is speaking to. We need to get used to that idea, and we need to grasp the hope that beyond our denominational deaths are the arms of a warm and kindly parent.<br /><br />Ephesians 1:3-14 – there’s a lot of heavy theological language in this passage, but the underlying theme that comes through to me is of a God who cuts through everything else to offer us hope.<br /><br />For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A,” page 37 for a children’s version of the John passage.<br /> Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a>, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”<br /> <a href="http://tinyurl.com/2lonod">http://tinyurl.com/2lonod</a><br /> Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rumors – Before I retired, I was on a zillion mailing lists. Many of those lists were aimed at “business people.”<br /> I’d get a bundle of advertising every day, and almost always there was something promoting another seminar, or another computer program, or some new gimmick to help me plan my time effectively so that I could “maximize” my efficiency and churn out more and better work more effectively and more profitably.<br /> On a few occasions, the ads pressed my guilt buttons enough to have me sign up. I made diligent notes and came home full of good intentions. But they never lasted. All I was left with was a sense of frustration and failure.<br /> Every New Year I would clean up my office, organize my calendar, straighten out my files and make firm resolutions that I would be more responsive to the needs of others. Three days later, things would be as chaotic as ever, and I would feel guilty and frustrated.<br /> I had no problem making good resolutions. I just couldn’t keep them.<br /> I knew all the theories – all the rhetoric about self-discipline. I just didn’t have any. And if I tried harder to develop some, all I accomplished was an enhanced sense of guilt and failure.<br /> The only reason my life had some semblance of sanity was because I had surrounded myself with good, kind, generous and organized people who helped me. I usually managed to get things out more or less on time because of the gentle nagging of kind souls at Wood Lake Productions. I couldn’t have done it by myself. It was an example of God’s grace coming to me through other people.<br /> I got to the point where I decided to never make any New Year’s resolutions I knew I wouldn’t keep. So I made a resolution to be more conscious and grateful for the wonderful grace I received. I was as dysfunctional as ever about many aspects of my life and work, but I knew that God’s angels – angels with names like Bev and Cynthia and Lois and Bonnie – cared about me and would help me make something beautiful out of my madly chaotic life.<br /> Now that I am retired, there is less chaos simply because I have fewer responsibilities. But I’ve managed ten years of Rumors without missing a single issue because of angels with names like Bev, Jim, Kari and others.<br /> I’ll still put things away in a spot where I know I’ll be able to find them, and then spend hours looking for them. I file precious documents in the bowels of my computer or in my “filing system” (read “piling system) and never see them again.<br /> I’ve undertaken to provide graphics for the projection of all the hymns and much of the liturgy in our church, but it’s Karen, our minister’s prompt e-mail with the order of service attached, that arrives at the beginning of every week and wakes me up and gets me working.<br /> So as I said last week, life is good. Things are normal. My work habits are not as good as they should be but as good as they can be, and I am blessed by the care of angels around me who help me do what I am called to do.<br /> That’s the sense of gratitude and blessing that I carry into this newborn year.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor<br />Unholy Christmas Carols<br /> At our congregation, during the Sundays preceding Christmas, we usually take 15 minutes or so to sing Christmas carols before the more serious part of the service starts.<br /> Last Sunday, the sing-along leader included “Jingle Bells.”<br /> “Why not?” she explained to the choir. “Christmas is about joy. Why can’t we sing some traditional songs that give us joy, even if they don’t mention God or Jesus?”<br /> Why not indeed?<br /> Granted, a certain number of the secular Christmas songs focus on the commercial side of Christmas -- such as Eartha Kitt’s sultry “Santa Baby.”<br /> But so did some historic songs. The “Twelve Days of Christmas” may have contained hidden religious symbolism, but it also celebrated a certain lust for luxuries far beyond the means of most singers.<br /> Other secular songs deal mainly with the winter season. “Walkin’ in our Winter Wonderland” and “Let it Snow” have more to do with hormonal urges than with glad tidings of peace and goodwill.<br /> And many of the Santa songs are simply morality messages set to music -- substituting a red-suited judge who keeps annotated lists for an almighty overseer who “knows if you’ve been bad or good, So be good for goodness sake...”<br /> But “Silver Bells” is a beautiful melody that belongs in any Christmas sing-along. “Scarlet Ribbons,” popularized by Harry Belafonte so long ago, describes a father’s aching love for his daughter. “White Christmas” and “I’ll be Home for Christmas” speak of the yearning we all experience for friends and family.<br /> Now, I happen to love the religious Christmas carols. I get joy from belting out “Adeste Fidelis” -- in Latin, of course -- or launching into four-part harmony on the chorus of “Angels We Have Heard on High”.<br /> But “Joy to the World” doesn’t sound particularly joyful when sung half-heartedly by people afraid of opening their mouths.<br /> Don’t people sing for fun anymore? I see people walking around with earphones plugged into their ears, playing canned music off an iPod or a Walkman. Sometimes they hum along tunelessly; more often, they let paid performers make music for them.<br /> Singing has become a lost art.<br /> No wonder people are afraid to open their mouths in church.<br /> I’d much rather have people singing vigorously than restraining themselves because they fear sounding less than perfect.<br /> Back when Sunday schools still had large enrolments, I recall trying to get 40 children to sing “Away in a Manger.” It sounded pathetic.<br /> “Okay,” I asked, “what would you like to sing?”<br /> “Rudolph!” someone called.<br /> Without piano, without leadership, without books, they launched into “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” enthusiastically enough to rattle the windows.<br /> I don’t consider that sacrilegious. I suspect that if Jesus himself were part of that children’s group, he’d rather sing “Rudolph” lustily than limp through “We Three Kings.”<br /> We don’t offer praise by sounding dispirited and disheartened. If “Jingle Bells” moves us to sing whole-heartedly, and the “Huron Carol” or “Bleak Midwinter” do not, then by all means let’s include some secular carols in our sing-alongs.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Tobi White of Lincoln, Nebraska writes: “We often project the liturgy and hymn words on screens in our Sanctuary. It has somehow fallen to the pastors (myself, included) to put these powerpoint presentations together. And no matter how I try, I inevitably make some typo. I think it might become a game for the congregation to identify the 'mistakes of the week.' <br /> “This Christmas Eve, as we were singing 'Silent Night,' with candles lit and the powerpoint guiding our words, we came upon the second verse: ‘Heav'nly hosts sign Alleluia!’"<br /> Tobi, I have a friend who is pastor of a church for the deaf. He would tell you that this time you got it right.<br /><br />from the file:<br />* Today's Sermon: “How Much Can a Man Drink?” With hymns from a full choir.<br />* Lent is the period when we prepare for Holy Weed and Easter.<br />* We pray that our people will jumble themselves.<br /><br />If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<br /><br />Wish I’d Said That! – Mary wrapped the first Christmas present.<br /> a sign on a church via Jeanne Moore of Clio, Michigan<br /><br />I left a trail of footprints deep in the snow. I swore one day I would retrace them. But when I turned around, I found that the wind had erased them.<br /> source unknown via Lettie Fisher<br /><br />If you have come here to help me, then you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.<br /> Lila Watson via Michelle Creedy<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />We Get Letters – This is the season when we’re all singing Silent Night. Lettie Fisher in Oklahoma reminds us that that for the first verse to make sense, we should sing, “All is calm. All is bright round yon virgin.” “No pause or the taking of a breath between bright and 'round.”<br /><br />David Winfield of Christchurch, New Zealand writes: The two opera singers were performing in a Christmas presentation and providing a duo for the very beautiful 'O Holy Night'. Unfortunately at one point when the soprano was singing the line "Fall on your knees ..." the tenor entered singing another verse that featured the words "Christ is the Lord ...". Realizing his mistake during the first word he corrected himself with the result that his lyric now became "Crawl on your knees ..."<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “repentagon!”) Some definitions that are absolutely essential to the health and well-being of lay and clergy and those in-between who are called “lagy” and pronounced “lay-zhee”.<br />* How do you get holy water? You boil the hell out of it.<br />* What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.<br />* What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.<br />* What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.<br />* What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.<br />* Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They’re trying to get away from the noise.<br />* What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.<br />* What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.<br />* What do you call a five-sided church? A repentagon.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bottom of the Barrel – Evelyn McLachlan sends this holiday groaner.<br />Q: On Christmas night, how many angels appeared to the shepherds, and what were their names?<br />A: There were two angels, and their names were 'Lo' and 'Behold.' Doesn't the Bible say, "Lo and Behold, the angels, appeared to the shepherds"?<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 1:(1-9), 10-18<br />Reader 1: I have a friend who says she finds more good theology in quantum physics than she does in anything else.<br />Reader 2: She may be stretching things a little, but there is some quantum physics in the Bible.<br />1: Your kidding me. They didn’t do anything more than decent arithmetic in Bible days.<br />2: Now you’re stretching things a bit. There are many different kinds of things in the Bible. Some of it is sophisticated. Some of it is primitive. But today’s reading is from the Gospel of John, and the first part of it sounds like some pretty high-level science.<br />1: That needs a bit of explaining.<br />2: The folks doing high level physics and astronomy talk about the Big Bang, the moment of the unimaginably huge explosion that started the universe expanding, and eventually, billions and billions of years later, resulted in our world. Among many other things.<br />1: So where is that in the Bible?<br />2: It’s not in the Bible. But astronomers have no idea what was there before the big bang. What was it that exploded? Why was there something there instead of nothing? What caused that explosion? And why?<br />1: And the Bible answers those questions?<br />2: Well, it addresses those questions. Whether it really answers the questions if for God to decide.<br />1: So let’s read it.<br />2: Right. We are reading from the beginning of John’s Gospel and he uses some pretty complicated language. So I would urge everyone to read this passage about a dozen times at home to really get the gist of what he is saying. For this reading, we are using an adaptation of the Inclusive Bible.<br />(SLIGHT PAUSE)<br />1: In the beginning was the Word, the Word was in God’s presence. And the Word was God.<br />2: The Word was present to God from the beginning.<br />1: Through the Word all things came into being, and apart from the Word nothing came into being that has come into being.<br />2: In the Word was life, and that light is our human light.<br />1: A light that shines in the darkness.<br />2: A light that the darkness has never overtaken.<br />1: Then came one named John, sent as an envoy from God, who came as a witness to testify about the Light, so that through his testimony everyone might believe. He himself was not the Light; he came only to testify about the Light – the true Light that illumines all humanity.<br />2: The Word was coming into the world –<br />1: The Word was in the world, and though the world was made through that Word, the world did not recognize it.<br />2: Though the Word came to its own realm, the Word’s own people did not accept it.<br />1: Yet any who did accept the Word, who believed in that Name, were empowered to become children of God.<br />2: These children were born, not of natural descent, nor the urge of the flesh, nor human will – these children were born of God.<br />1: And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us. We saw the glory. The favor and position a parent gives an only child – filled with grace and truth.<br />2: This is what John said.<br />1: This is the one I was talking about when I said, ‘The one who comes after me ranks ahead of me. For this One existed before I did.’<br />2: Of this One’s fullness we’ve all had a share. We’ve been given gift on top of gift.<br />1: You see, the law was given through Moses. But the Gift and the Truth came through Jesus Christ.<br />2: No one has ever seen God. But it was the only child – the child always at the parent’s side, who has revealed God to us.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don't put anything else in that e-mail<br />To Unsubscribe:<br />* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.<br />Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-9277454303491217612009-12-19T15:29:00.000-08:002009-12-19T15:30:35.355-08:00Preaching Materials for December 27th, 2009R U M O R S # 581<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2009-12-20<br /><br />December 20th, 2009<br /><br />SHEER AND UTTER PANIC<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Motto:<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />The two of us (Jim & Ralph) wish all of you the deep joy of Christmas, as we experience again the birth of the living Christ within us.<br /><br />*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />The Story – amazing twelve-year-olds<br />Rumors – nothing to report<br />Soft Edges – acting like raccoons<br />Bloopers – curing the darkness<br />We Get Letters – all is clam<br />Mirabile Dictu! – ten Lords a leaping<br />Bottom of the Barrel – four to go<br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 2:41-52<br />Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rib Tickler – The couple was teaching their three-year-old the Ten Commandments. All went well until they came to the 6th. The three-year-old version was: “Thou shalt not admit adultery.”<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, the first Sunday after Christmas Day.<br />*1 Samuel 2:18-20, 26<br />* Psalm 148<br />* Colossians 3:12-17<br />* Luke 2:41-52<br /><br />The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Luke 2:41-52 (Yes, we are being good little boys and sticking with the Lectionary again.)<br /><br />Ralph says–<br />The story is obviously the Luke passage. If Jesus had living grandparents, this is the kind of story they would have told. And if they were like grandparents through the ages, the story would have grown just a little with each telling. Especially in the company of other grandparents who play a little game called “my-grandchild-is-more-wonderful-than-your-grandchild.” Bev and I never, ever do that, of course, but we’ve certainly heard it from other grandparents.<br /> Twelve-year-olds can have an amazing capacity to absorb information if they are encouraged and given the resources. If there was a synagogue school in Nazareth and if it had even a small collection of books, it’s not impossible that Jesus would have virtually memorized them. And his ability to quote verbatim from those books would have genuinely amazed the scholars in the temple. Their wisdom was broad and deep, while Jesus’ learning was new and focused.<br /> And for Jesus it was exciting. It is very easy for older people, who have read widely and lived deeply, to become somewhat jaded. Intellectually tired, perhaps.<br /> I’d put myself in that category. From time to time I’ve encountered young people who are full ideas and information that is new and fresh to them. The life they’ve encountered in their few years becomes clear – focused through their new perspective on life.<br /> My temptation is to brush them off. “Yeah! Yeah! Been there. Done that. Come and talk to me in ten years when you realize how complex life really is.”<br /> Evidently, the priests and scribes in the Temple didn’t do that to Jesus, for which we can all be profoundly, deeply grateful.<br /><br />Jim says –<br /> The King James Version had a nice ring to it: “And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.” Depending on the version you prefer, you’ll find the message repeated, more or less word for word, in 1 Samuel.<br /> I’d want to get that linkage of Jesus and Samuel out of the way early. To modern worshippers, Samuel is a meaningless figure. The parallel may have lent some authority to Jesus, for people who lived by the Hebrew scriptures; it doesn’t today.<br /> To illustrate that growth in stature, I might use a measuring stick, like the wall or door jamb on which families mark the increasing heights of their children. But how do we mark increasing wisdom?<br /> The memorable story here, I think, is not about Jesus, but about his parents. Every parent can identify with the desperation, the panic, that a missing child creates.<br /> Whenever a child disappears, the news media fan fears the child may have been abducted, kidnapped, sexually abused, even murdered... Tragically, those fears are sometimes justified.<br /> Fortunately, in most cases the child is found. He or she simply wandered off. The relief is as overwhelming as the panic had been.<br /> We lost our son once, when he was about three. One moment he was with us in a department store; the next, he wasn’t. We – and several clerks – commenced a frantic search. We found him when we noticed the lights going out on various displays. We traced the power cords, and found him happily pulling plugs out of the wall!<br /> If the parents in your congregation can live into that terrible paralyzing fear that Mary and Joseph must have felt, this Bible story will become real for them<br /><br />Psalm 148: 1-14 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor<br />1 Jubilation, exaltation, celebration, one and all!<br />2 Within the womb of the heavens, the orb of earth leaps to praise its Creator.<br />3, 4 As the pearl necklace of the planets swings around the sun,<br />as the shining oceans embrace the continents,<br />so do all living things praise the giver of life.<br />5 For God expressed a thought, and the thought took life.<br />6 God wanted to speak, and the Word became flesh and lived among us.<br />7 In that Word was holiness,<br />the spirit that makes every life more than the sum of its chemicals.<br />From the tiniest plankton in the sea to the great whales,<br />from the ants that burrow in the dust to the eagle that soars in the heavens –<br />all owe their existence to God.<br />8 Fire and hail, snow and frost, sun and drought, wind and rain –<br />in God, all things work together for good.<br />9 The mighty mountains compost into rich soil;<br />fruit trees and cedars aerate the atmosphere.<br />10 The dung beetle depends on the wastes of cattle;<br />birds and currents carry seeds to new orchards.<br />11 No one is cut off from the energy of God,<br />neither presidents throned in offices nor derelicts huddled under bridges.<br />12 For in God there is neither male nor female, old nor young, black nor white.<br />13 All have been equally created by God;<br />their lives all witness to God's grace.<br />14 With profligate generosity, God scatters new life among weeds and thistles.<br />And all of creation responds with rejoicing.<br /> From: Everyday Psalms<br /> Wood Lake Publications.<br /> For details, go to <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a><br /><br />Samuel 2:18-20, 26 – This is a story that tugs at my emotions. I wonder how deeply painful it must have been for Hannah to make that little robe for her child and take it to him when she would see him just once each year. And I wonder what it was like for that little prophet-in-training to grow up without a mother to hold him and rock him through the long, dark nights.<br /> The story of Jesus in Luke’s gospel is clearly told as a parallel to this one, as are many other gospel accounts, to show that Jesus was a prophet in the tradition of the ancient ones. I wonder if that means much to us, nowadays.<br /><br />Colossians 3:12-17 – This passage is a powerful little sermon all on its own. Unlike so many lectionary passages, it can be read on its own without commentary. But it probably would be good to read it twice – maybe even more times – so that all those powerful admonishments would sink in .<br /><br />A story called “Jesus Goes to the Temple” is found in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C,” page 34. It uses parts of Psalm 148 and references to 1 Samuel 2:18-20, 26.<br /> There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a>, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”<br /> <a href="http://tinyurl.com/2lonod">http://tinyurl.com/2lonod</a><br /> Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rumors – This is the time of year when friends all over the world send Christmas letters telling us a bit about their life over the past year.<br /> Because our family has lived in three countries and six cities – and because many of our friends have not been the kind who hunkered down and stayed put – those letters come from many different places. And they tell many and varied stories.<br /> There are a few, very short notes from surviving children saying that mom or dad passed on during the year. Almost all the letters tell stories of struggle and hope. Most of them try, but not all succeed, in avoiding the “organ recital,” the litany of pains and pills that come with aging. Old age is not for sissies.<br /> Bev and I have never quite managed to get all our ducks in a row in time to send out a Christmas letter, so we’ve made a virtue out of necessity (or reality) and we do an Epiphany letter each year.<br /> Our greatest joy will be to tell people that nothing is happening. No, we’re not cured of all the maladies that afflict us. We both take half a bushel of pills every day, but those pills are doing their job. We’ve managed a kind of homeostasis – a normalcy where the things that are, simply are, and therefore not worth commentary. And what a gift that is. To feel normal.<br /> Not miserable and not euphoric. Simply normal. The big news is that nothing much is happening, at least not to Bev and me. We’re part of an extended family where there’s all kinds of stuff going on but not for us.<br /> I have no illusions that someday a certain pill will give me the body of the fabled 20-year-old Swede. I never had such a body. I wouldn’t know what to do with it if I had one now.<br /> Nor do I have illusions that this blessed state of normalcy will continue forever. Something else will go wonky and we’ll have to deal with whatever it is.<br /> But for the moment, I am delighted to report that there is nothing to report.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor<br />Acting Like Raccoons<br /> According to legend, exactly at midnight on Christmas Eve, barn animals bow in homage to the infant born in their midst.<br /> “Ox and ass before him bow,” we sing in one familiar carol. In his poem “The Oxen,” Thomas Hardy imagined the beasts dropping to their knees in the straw.<br /> I’m guessing that they didn’t have raccoons back then. Somehow, I cannot imagine raccoons kneeling in homage to anybody. Not even Jesus.<br /> As a young man, I heard the local raccoon gang invading our garbage cans. I went out with a flashlight, expecting to shoo them away. They didn’t budge. And when they started baring canine teeth, guess which of us backed off?<br /> An acquaintance had a similar experience when she tried to scare a squad of raccoons destroying her third backyard inflatable pool. “Their reaction to me running out into the yard waving a broom, yelling at the top of my lungs,” she wrote, “was an unconcerned glance in my direction, and back to shredding the pool.”<br /> Her sister had to have rabies shots after a raccoon ripped through the screen on her bedroom window. Neither two dogs barking, nor the sister trying to whack the intruder with a 2x4 -- “Doesn't everyone keep one of those handy?” my informant asked -- deterred the unwelcome visitor.<br /> Finally, one of the dogs tackled the raccoon. Sister intervened, and got a full set of raccoon teeth embedded in her hand.<br /> The dog, fortunately, had had rabies shots. The sister hadn’t – yet.<br /> This was, fortunately, a lone intruder. Raccoons are generally social creatures, who work together to create havoc.<br /> Our next door neighbours were having a barbecue one evening. Guests gathered to watch Mama Raccoon parade her brood across the end of the yard. Meanwhile, Papa filched a steak right off the barbecue.<br /> With their little masked bandit faces, raccoons are as cute as buttons. They’re intelligent. Their fingers uncannily resemble ours.<br /> Perhaps that’s why we feel a kind of kinship with them. We share a lot of traits.<br /> Which is why I suspect that if there had been raccoons in that stable, on that first Christmas, they’d have been more likely to steal any scraps of food Mary and Joseph had than to kneel in awe beside the manger.<br /> Instead of gazing benignly upon an idealized mom-and-child scene, Joseph would have been chasing a bunch of irreverent bandits around the stable.<br /> The nativity story, handed down through some 80 generations, tells us that the only humans who knelt beside the manger were total strangers, shepherds awed by some near-hallucinogenic visions in the fields.<br /> The rest of Bethlehem, it would seem, acted more like raccoons. They carried on with their usual business of surviving in a country occupied by a foreign army and ruled by a corrupt king.<br /> For some, no doubt, their “usual business” included a certain amount of theft, larceny, and under-the-counter dealing.<br /> Just like today.<br /> It makes me wonder just how far we have really progressed in 20 centuries.<br /> I wonder, in fact, how many of us humans today still carry on with our usual business, without much thought for the miracles that take place in our midst.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Paul Hartman discovered this interesting and possibly profound typo in a list of things that “Hope” does.<br /> “Hope lights a candle instead of curing the darkness.”<br /> Perhaps Paul, that means we tend to address the symptoms rather than the underlying problem.<br /><br />John Ellis of Paris, Maine writes: “A recent choral concert ended with a sing-along. The song sheet instructed the audience to sing ‘Silent night, holy night, all is clam, all is bright’."<br /><br />If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<br /><br />Wish I’d Said That! – There are victories of the soul and spirit. Sometimes, even if you lose, you win.<br /> Elie Wiesel via Jim Taylor<br /><br />We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.<br /> Will Rogers via Evelyn McLachlan<br /><br />Christmas comes but once a year. Which is just as well.<br /> source unknown<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />We Get Letters – Kelly Taylor-Schaus saw this on a church bulletin board.<br />“Beat the Christmas rush. Go to church THIS week.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Ten Lords a Leaping!”) Traditionally, the 12 days of Christmas begin on December 25th. That funny old carol, “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” which we like to bellow each year, is a good one to sing during that time.<br /> It’s more legend than fact, but the story goes that during the era when Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly, this song was written as a secret catechism for their children.<br /><br />The symbols are as follows: * My True Love is God.<br />* Partridge in a Pear Tree is a reference to Jesus Christ (perhaps from Matthew 23:37 and Luke 13:34).<br />* Two Turtle Doves are the Old and New Testament.<br />* Three French Hens refer to faith, hope and love (1 Corinthians 13).<br />* Four Calling Birds are four gospels.<br />* Five Golden Rings are the Torah, the first five books of Hebrew Scripture.<br />* Six Geese a-Laying are the six days of Creation.<br />* Seven Swans a-Swimming are the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit.<br />* Eight Maids a-Milking refer to the eight beatitudes from Matthew 5.<br />* Nine Ladies Dancing are the fruits of the Spirit listed in Galatians 5.<br />* Ten Lords a-Leaping refer to the Ten Commandments.<br />* Eleven Pipers Piping are the eleven faithful disciples.<br />* Twelve Drummers Drumming are the twelve points of belief in the Apostle’s Creed.<br />* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bottom of the Barrel – This classic from Evelyn McLachlan.<br /> The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.<br /> "He's a funeral director," she answered.<br /> "Interesting," the newsman thought.<br /> He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.<br /> After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.<br /> The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.<br /> She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 2:41-52<br />(NOTE: IT WOULD BE GOOD IF READER 2 COULD BE FEMALE.)<br />Reader 1: It was strange, y’know. I read the passage from 1 Samuel, and then I read this story in the gospel of Luke. It’s almost as if the Luke story was patterned on the older story.<br />Reader 2: It probably was. The gospel writers made a conscious attempt to make Jesus look like the ancients – like Samuel the prophet, like Moses, like Isaiah. It was really important to them that Jesus was connected to those old Hebrew stories.<br />1: (SPEAKING TO READER 2) Does that matter to you? (SPEAKING TO CONGREGATION) Does it matter to you?<br />2: No. At least it doesn’t matter nearly as much. People want the Bible to make sense to them in the here and now. In terms of today’s reality.<br />1: Okay, then this story will make sense to anyone who’s had a child go missing, even for a few minutes. The sense of sheer panic was overwhelming.<br />2: It’ll also make sense to anyone who has experienced an exceptionally bright child. I know one twelve-year-old who was reading adult books and remembering everything in them. Sometimes it seemed there was an adult brain in a 12-year-old body. Then the next minute he seemed like a kid again. That’s what Jesus sounds like in this story.<br />1: Well, let’s read it. It’s from Luke’s gospel.<br />SLIGHT PAUSE <br />2: Now every year Jesus’ parents went to Jerusalem for the festival of the Passover. And when he was twelve years old, they went up as usual for the festival.<br />1: When the festival was ended and they started to return, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but his parents did not know it. Assuming that Jesus was in the group of travelers, they went a day's journey. Then they started to look for him among their relatives and friends.<br />2: When they did not find him, they returned to Jerusalem to search for him. After three days they found Jesus in the temple, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions.<br />1: And all who heard him were amazed at his understanding and his answers. When his parents saw him they were astonished; and his mother spoke sharply to him.<br />2: Child, why have you treated us like this? Look, your father and I have been searching for you in great anxiety."<br />1: "Why were you searching for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?"<br />2: But they did not understand what he said to them. Then Jesus went down with his parents and came to Nazareth, and was obedient to them. His mother treasured all these things in her heart.<br />1: And Jesus increased in wisdom and in years, and in divine and human favor.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don't put anything else in that e-mail<br />To Unsubscribe:<br />* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.<br />Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-89584313552353473542009-12-11T15:53:00.000-08:002009-12-11T15:54:47.795-08:00Preaching Materials for December 20th, 2009R U M O R S # 580<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2009-12-13<br /><br />December 13, 2009<br /><br />TELLING THE OLD, OLD STORY<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Motto:<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />The Story – treasuring in your heart<br />Rumors – the lowest and least<br />Soft Edges – planting messiahs<br />Bloopers – the poverty secretary<br />We Get Letters – translating Canuck<br />Mirabile Dictu! – we might as well dance<br />Bottom of the Barrel – my friends will be wondering<br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Isaiah 52:7-10 and Luke 2:1-21<br />Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rib Tickler – Art Hebbeler of Laurel, Maryland sends this delightful story. Clergy should keep it handy for their prenuptial meetings.<br /> During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer. “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor, and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He slipped the priest the cash and walked away. The wedding day arrived. When it came time for the groom’s vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said,” Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?” The groom gulped and looked around and then said in a tiny voice, “I do.” After the ceremony, the groom pulled the priest aside and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.” The priest slipped the $100 back into the man’s hand and whispered, “The bride’s father made me a much better offer.” <br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, December 20th, if you are using the Revised Common Lectionary. It is the Fourth Sunday of Advent.<br />* Micah 5:2-5a<br />* Luke 1:46b-55 or Psalm 80:1-7<br />* Hebrews 10:5-10<br />* Luke 1:39-45, (46-55)<br /><br />For the brave souls who decided to go with us in our little detour around the Revised Common lectionary, the readings we suggest for this Sunday are Isaiah 52:7-10 and Luke 2:8-21. However, we’re also suggesting that we do Luke 2:1-7 even though we read that last Sunday. So many of the folks will not have been in church the previous Sunday, and it makes the story more complete. For them it will be “the” Christmas service. So that’s what we’ve done in the Reader’s Theatre version below.<br /><br />Note: There will be no special issue of Rumors for Christmas Day. My suggestion would be a simple service of carols and lessons.<br /><br />Isaiah 52:7-10 and Luke 2:1-21<br /><a name="OLE_LINK3">Ralph says:</a><br /> It’s not often you can summarize a scripture passage in a single word, but for the Isaiah passage this week it’s easy. “Yippee!” Or “hoorah!” or whatever your favorite celebratory outburst may be. If words don’t come easily, a quick, lively dance will work. Let’s avoid the temptation of pick the passage apart and miss the celebration.<br /> For the Luke passage, verse 19 gives us the appropriate response to the passage. “But Mary treasured all these words and pondered them in her heart.”<br /> Notice that she pondered them in her heart. Not her head. And she treasured them. The way you would treasure a precious gift from someone you love.<br /> Last Sunday Bev and I trotted off to Vernon to see a Christmas drama written by son-in-law Don, an amazingly talented and dedicated man. Jake and Zoë had minor parts to play, their father being careful not to make them the stars every time. But to Bev and me, yes of course, they were the stars.<br /> The play was a variation on this story from Luke. This Sunday will see the children act out that ancient story in our own church. And as we delight in the children lisping their way through the drama, we will again “treasure” the story, and “ponder it in our hearts.”<br /> Because the story isn’t really about something that happened 2,000 years ago. It’s about God, right now, breaking into our dull consciousness with a flash of beauty and power to which the only response is Isaiah’s response. In a word, “Yahoo!”<br /><br />Jim says –<br /> A woman in our congregation is putting together a multimedia presentation – art, dance, photography – to illustrate the re-telling of Luke’s nativity story. She challenged me to come up with a visual for the moment of Jesus’ birth.<br /> I thought about that picture of a tiny hand reaching out of the womb during a Caesarian section and gripping the surgeon’s gloved finger.<br /> I thought about pictures from NASA, taken by the Hubble telescope in space, showing galaxies bursting, supernova exploding, the curtains of the universe torn asunder...<br /> Those images would fit with John’s gospel, which raises the birth of Christ from a human to a cosmic event.<br /> But as I thought about it, I realized that perspective depends on hindsight. It’s only as we look back that we see Bethlehem’s cosmic implications. At the time, it was a mother’s scream of pain, a baby’s wail of distress at this new and unfamiliar environment. It was a single candle burning inside a darkened stable.<br /> I remember going deep into a potash mine in Saskatchewan, once. A kilometre underground, our guide turned out all the lights. I have never felt such darkness. My eyes tried to get used to it, and couldn’t.<br /> Then the guide flicked a cigarette lighter. And that tiny flame was enough to illuminate the entire underground cavern. We breathed a sigh of relief. We could see again.<br /> I think that’s my image to accompany the birth of the Messiah. To quote John’s gospel again, “the light shines in the darkness...” And we can see...<br /><br />The Magnificat – paraphrased by Jim Taylor<br /> My body grows round with wonder;<br /> my soul swells with thanksgiving.<br /> For God has been so good to me;<br /> God did not say, "She's just a girl."<br /> Once I was a slip of a girl,<br /> but now I am woman,<br /> one who can bring forth new life.<br /> In all generations, I am blessed.<br /> How could anyone miss it--<br /> this new life in me is divine.<br /> It is holy.<br /> God grants new life to all who have not lost a child's wonder;<br /> they will be born again, and again, and again.<br /> God watches over them;<br /> God's fierce love fills predators with sudden fear.<br /> The miracle of birth levels our human differences:<br /> tough men become tenderly gentle,<br /> learned professors blurt out baby talk,<br /> even politicians fall silent in awe.<br /> But the small and helpless are wrapped warmly in soft blankets;<br /> they are held lovingly in caring arms;<br /> they drink their fill with eyes closed.<br /> The rich, for all their wealth and status, can go suck lemons.<br /> That is how God deals with all of God's faithful people,<br /> all who do not put their faith in themselves.<br /> So God has always done,<br /> so God will always do,<br /> from Sarah's miracle, to mine.<br /> From: Everyday Psalms<br /> Wood Lake Publications.<br /> For details, go to <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a><br /><br />To help the adults understand the gospel reading, I would use “Jesus is Born” from the “Lectionary Story Bible, Year C, page 31. I would read it to the children, of course, and I would never tell the adults it was as much for their benefit as for the kids.<br /> There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a>, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”<br /> <a href="http://tinyurl.com/2lonod">http://tinyurl.com/2lonod</a><br /> Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rumors – There have been some interesting and impassioned e-mails concerning the story in Rumors a couple of weeks ago about the birth of the Messiah. In my story, I had Mary being raped by a Roman soldier. Some found that idea offensive. Most found it somewhat liberating.<br /> Stories should never be explained, but this time I will break my own rule.<br /> One of the patterns you can find in the Hebrew scriptures is of God constantly reaching down to find the lowest and the least to carry forward the continuing revelation.<br /> Abraham and Sarah – from a tiny, wandering bunch of desert dwellers. Joseph, the youngest son despised by his brothers. Moses, a murderer on the run. David, the youngest son of the smallest tribe.<br /> For the supreme revelation, God reached down to the lowest of the low. Women, especially unmarried women, had little social value except as child-bearers. But to go even lower than that – a woman raped by a hated Roman would hardly be worthy of stoning to death.<br /> I’m certainly not the first writer who’s put that into the story. I did it to underline in big bold letters the idea of God reaching way, way, way down to find the lowest of the low to be the bearer of the supreme gift. And to underline this, the baby is born in the stink and smell of a cow barn.<br /> Some letter writers felt this tarnishes the image of Mary. And they were right. Unfortunately, we’ve developed an image of Mary from Christmas cards and crèches and even the children’s Christmas pageant we see each year. We see Mary with a beautiful blue dress and pure, white shawl singing “Away in a Manger” to a cuddly, clean baby in a bed of immaculate straw.<br /> A friend once told me she refused to sing “O Little Town of Bethlehem” because the second verse has the words, “How silently, how silently, the wondrous gift is given.” “No,” said my friend. “Mary was about 16 years old. There was no anesthetic. Not even another woman to help. Jesus was born in screaming, bloody pain.”<br /> I grew up in a farming community. The folks around us were good farmers, but there wasn’t a stable like the ones in the cards and crèches in any of the barns. And I once visited a stable in a cave near Beirut. My guide, a professor of New Testament, told me, “This is what that stable probably looked like and smelled like.”<br /> It smelled of rotting manure and urine. There were rats and cockroaches scurrying around. The animals were thin and mangy.<br /> We keep trying to avoid the message in this story. God reaches down. To the bottom. To the very bottom to find the bearer of the Good News.<br /> And then, as if to underline it all, the story tells us it was the shepherds who were the first to be told and the first to come and visit.<br /> Shepherds? Yes, people from the bottom of the social ladder. I wonder if Matthew added the Three Kings story because he was just like us – he couldn’t handle what Luke was telling us. When God reaches down to the bottom of the barrel, it is to the bottom. The very bottom. The fingernail-scratching bottom.<br /> We don’t like that story, so we keep trying to clean it up. But that’s the story Luke tells us, whether we like it or not.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor<br />Planting Messiahs<br /> The first deep frost of the winter hit us this week. The ground is hard, the lawn crunchy.<br /> And yet – as theme speaker Darryl Auten pointed out at last fall’s Banff Men’s Conference – this is the time when nature plants the seeds that will be next year’s blooms.<br /> We humans save our seeds for planting in the spring. We wait until the danger of frost damage has passed, until the warmth of the sun begins to penetrate deep into the soil, before we trust our precious seeds to the ground. Traditionally, we didn’t plant until the Victoria Day holiday in May; as the climate warms, we’re more likely to plant in April.<br /> But nature plants its seeds in the fall and nurtures them through the winter.<br /> By November, our sunflowers have shed all their seeds. Some have simply fallen to the ground. Others have passed through the digestive tracts of birds and squirrels. Either way, those seeds will lie there, dormant, deep frozen, trampled on, until they germinate in spring.<br /> Dozens of sunflowers will come up next year. But how many thousands of seeds did nature scatter to achieve that goal?<br /> One of Jesus’ parables describes a farmer sowing seeds. He scattered seed on rocks, among thorns, on a pathway... Only a small portion fell on good ground and returned a crop.<br /> By any conventional standards, that farmer would be a failure.<br /> But it’s a perfect reflection of the way God – embodied in nature – scatters seeds. Wildly. Extravagantly. Profligately.<br /> In nature, it seems to me, God never plants just one seed and expects it to mature. Millions of sperm race to reach an egg – granted, usually a single egg, but not the only egg that ovary will ever release. Millions of salmon eggs fertilize a stream. Millions of maple keys litter the streets.<br /> God never gambles everything on one throw of the dice.<br /> Except, it would seem, at Christmas.<br /> Traditional teachings insist that God gambled everything on a single baby. God invested everything into one helpless infant, born to homeless parents, in an oppressed nation, at a time when that child had barely a 50 per cent chance of surviving its first five years, let alone becoming an adult.<br /> It seems uncharacteristic of the ways God usually operates.<br /> Don’t get me wrong – I do believe that the baby born in Bethlehem, who later became Jesus of Nazareth, is our ultimate revelation of God.<br /> But I wonder, sometimes, if the apparent contradiction of method is ours, not God’s.<br /> Maybe we assume that because we who call ourselves Christians profess only one Messiah, God must have made only one try at creating that Messiah.<br /> Maybe God planted millions of potential Messiahs. Maybe every child has the potential to be a Messiah – leading by example, showing by her/his life what God is like and what God expects of us.<br /> And one of those seeds took root in the right soil, and grew tall and strong and straight, and became the tree we still look up to.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Vince Gilbert of Welwyn Garden City, UK, was typing the minutes of a meeting, when he realized he referred to the “District Property Secretary” as the “District Poverty Secretary”.<br /> Says Vince, “Perhaps the function of Property is to distract us from our Poverty?<br /><br />From the file:<br />* Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.<br />* Diana and David request your presents at their wedding.<br />* Hymn of Response: Crown Him With Many Cows.<br /><br />If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<br /><br />Wish I’d Said That! –Peace is not something you wish for. It’s something you make, something you do, something you are. Something you give away.<br /> Robert Fulghum via Velia Watts<br /><br />Suffering and joy teach us, if we allow them, how to make the leap of empathy, which transports us into the soul and heart of another person. In those transparent moments we know other people's joys and sorrows, and we care about their concerns as if they were our own:<br /> Fritz Williams via Jim Taylor<br /><br />Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much. G. K. Chesterton via Don Sandin<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />We Get Letters – Evelyn McLachlan is concerned that some non-Canadians might not understand my Canuck dialect in the last issue. A note from Jim Arnold in North Missouri confirms that.<br /> OK. Translation.<br /> When the Canadian mint began producing one-dollar coins, they had pictures of loons (water fowl) on them. So quite naturally, we began calling them “loonies.” (It had nothing to do with the term “loony” as in being disconnected from reality.) Then, when the two dollar coin came along, it was, by logical extension, a “townie.” Or should that be spelled “twonie?” “Toonie?”<br /> Jim also wanted to know what a “tuque” was. First of all, it is pronounced “took” which rhymes with – well, what in the world does it rhyme with? Maybe “kook” as in someone who is a few cards short of a deck.<br /> In Canada, it’s spelled as above, and it means a cylindrical knitted hat, often with a tassel on the top. In some other places it is spelled “toque” and refers to a chef’s hat. I have no idea how that is pronounced.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “we might as well dance!”)<br />An 83 year old reflects on life:<br />* I’m reading more and dusting less. I’m sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I’m spending more time with my family and friends and less time working. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I’m trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.<br />* I’m not “saving” anything. We use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom.<br />* I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $49.49 for one tiny bag of groceries.<br />* I’m not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank.<br />* “Someday” and “one of these days” are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it’s worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now.<br /> I’m not sure what others would’ve done had they known they wouldn’t be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles.<br /> I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favorite food is. It’s those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn’t written certain letters that I intended to write “one of these days.” Angry and sorry that I didn’t tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I’m trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives.<br /> And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God.<br /> I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bottom of the Barrel – This from Evelyn McLachlan.<br /> An elderly woman in her nineties had a visitor from her church come to see her at the nursing home. “How are you?” the visitor asked. “Oh,” said the elderly woman, “I’m just worried sick!” “You look like you’re in good health. They take good care of you here, don’t they?” “Oh, yes, they take good care of me here.” “Do you have any pain?” the visitor asked. “No, I can’t say I do,” the elderly woman replied. “Then what has you worried sick?” the visitor asked. The elderly woman leaned in and explained, “All of my closest friends have already died and gone to heaven. I’m sure they are all wondering where I went!”<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Isaiah 52:7-10 and Luke 2:1-21<br />Reader 1: Do you watch sports on TV?<br />Reader 2: Yeah. Sometimes. I watch football. And baseball. And golf. That’s quite a bit.<br />1: Have you noticed how tongue-tied the sports commentators get when they want to talk about a really great athlete. When they get through words like “wonderful, great, outstanding,” and a few others, they don’t have anything left. They start repeating themselves.<br />2: OK, but why are we talking about that? We’re here to read the scripture.<br />1: Because the writer of Isaiah doesn’t use any of those trite words. Why don’t you read it, and you’ll see what I mean.<br />2: OK. The reading is from the 52nd chapter of Isaiah.<br />SLIGHT PAUSE<br />2: How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of the messenger who announces peace, who brings good news, who announces salvation, who says to Zion, "Your God reigns." Listen! Your sentinels lift up their voices, together they sing for joy; for in plain sight they see the return of the Lord to Zion. Break forth together into singing, you ruins of Jerusalem; for the Lord has comforted the people, and has redeemed Jerusalem. The Lord has bared a holy arm before the eyes of all the nations; and all the ends of the earth shall see the salvation of our God.<br />SLIGHT PAUSE<br />1: You see what I mean? You could condense that whole passage into one word, like “Yippee!” or “Wow!” or whatever word you might use.<br />2: Was Isaiah predicting the coming of Jesus?<br />1: No. He was a prophet, and prophets were not about predicting the future. Prophets looked around and helped people see God’s hand in what was happening around them. And when the people of the early church read that passage of Isaiah, they felt it perfectly described what had happened in the coming of Jesus.<br />2: We have a Christmas passage to read, don’t we.<br />1: We sure do. For many of us, it is an old, old story which we know by heart. So let’s listen to it, and just let it soak into our hearts.<br />2: Here is a reading from the second chapter of Luke’s gospel.<br />SLIGHT PAUSE<br />1: In those days a decree went out from Emperor Augustus that all the world should be registered. This was the first registration and was taken while Quirinius was governor of Syria. All went to their own towns to be registered.<br />2: Joseph also went from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to the city of David called Bethlehem, because he was descended from the house and family of David. He went to be registered with Mary, to whom he was engaged and who was expecting a child.<br />1: While they were there, the time came for her to deliver her child. And Mary gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in bands of cloth, and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn.<br />2: In that region there were shepherds living in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night. Then an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. And the angel spoke to them.<br />1: "Do not be afraid; for see–I am bringing you good news of great joy for all the people: to you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign for you: you will find a child wrapped in bands of cloth and lying in a manger."<br />2: And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God.<br />1: "Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace among those whom God favors!"<br />2:When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let us go now to Bethlehem and see this thing that has taken place, which the Lord has made known to us."<br />1: So they went with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the child lying in the manger.<br />2: When they saw this, they made known what had been told them about this child; and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds told them. <a name="OLE_LINK2"></a><a name="OLE_LINK1"></a><br />1: But Mary treasured all these words and pondered them in her heart.<br />2: The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them. After eight days had passed, it was time to circumcise the child; and he was called Jesus, the name given by the angel before he was conceived in the womb.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don't put anything else in that e-mail<br />To Unsubscribe:<br />* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.<br />Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-38465784453516991242009-12-02T16:06:00.000-08:002009-12-02T16:07:10.868-08:00Preaching Materials for December 13th, 2009R U M O R S # 579<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2009-12-06<br /><br />December 6th, 2009<br /><br />THE OLD FAMILIAR STORY<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Motto:<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Warm Advent greetings to all of you!<br /><br />*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />The Story – a time of yearning<br />Rumors – a practical joke<br />Soft Edges – when beginnings are endings<br />Bloopers – no adultery till March<br />We Get Letters – two thoughtful letters<br />Mirabile Dictu! – flabbergasted<br />Bottom of the Barrel – celebrate<br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Isaiah 9:6-7, Luke 2:1-7<br />Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rib Tickler – The Morning After the Night Before<br /><br /> ‘Twas the night before Christmas<br /> When all through the house,<br /> Nothing was stirring,<br /> Especially my spouse.<br /> <br /> My spouse was zonked out<br /> After spending the night,<br /> Wrapping the robot<br /> With its laser light.<br /> <br /> We’d had a big supper<br /> Where we both dropped our diet,<br /> Then an hour in church<br /> Telling Junior, “Be quiet!”<br /> <br /> The robot was big,<br /> It had batteries included.<br /> All over its frame<br /> Deadly weapons extruded.<br /> <br /> Wrapping was hard,<br /> Guns poked through the paper,<br /> And my spouse cut a hand,<br /> On the robot’s steel rapier.<br /> <br /> So my spouse had a scotch,<br /> Then a hot rum or two,<br /> And the robot got wrapped<br /> Though a ray gun stuck through.<br /> <br /> The robot, we thought<br /> Was a most fitting gift...<br /> A good Christmas trifle<br /> To give Junior a lift.<br /><br /> Junior’s asleep now.<br /> The child’s tired right out.<br /> He threw a huge tantrum,<br /> We’re not sure what about.<br /> <br /> Yes, a robot’s the right gift<br /> To give to our sleeper<br /> To remind him of Jesus.<br /> It’s called the “Peacekeeper.”<br /> <br /> ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, December 13th, which is the third Sunday of Advent.<br />If you are following the Revised Common Lectionary, these are the readings you will probably hear.<br />* Zephaniah 3:14-20<br />* Isaiah 12:2-6<br />* Philippians 4:4-7<br />* Luke 3:7-18<br /><br />Isaiah 12:2-6 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor<br />2 God has rescued us from our arid deserts;<br />Nothing terrifies me anymore.<br />I sing of the God who gives us living water.<br />3 From the deepest recesses of our souls, celebration gushes forth,<br />4 It spills out across an anguished land,<br />As an awed people pour out praises.<br />5 Their voices rise, like water in the well:<br />"Glory to God, who creates springs of life in the deserts of death."<br />6 So let praise pour out like the living water from the well in our midst,<br />the well that is our God.<br /> From: Everyday Psalms<br /> Wood Lake Publications.<br /> For details, go to <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a><br /><br /><br />If you are swimming against the current and going along with our “heretical, common-sense, ‘for-Pete’s-sake-let’s-tell-the-Christmas-story’ lectionary,” you will be reading these scriptures.<br /><br />* Isaiah 9:6-7 (for a child has been born to us. . .)<br />Ralph says:<br /> I can’t help it. I get Handel’s “The Messiah” into my head and I start singing it, which to those around me, is a mixed blessing. It’s the King James Version, of course, and probably not as accurate. But it has a cadence that rings.<br /> Scholars tell us it’s not at all clear who Isaiah was talking about, but it certainly wasn’t Jesus.<br /> It doesn’t matter.<br /> Ever since the struggling people in the early church read this – whenever people of the Christian fold in the centuries since then heard this – whenever we in today’s church let this passage have its way with us, we think of the one we call the Messiah.<br /> Advent for me, is not so much a time of waiting as it is a time of yearning. It’s about reading the paper or watching the TV and allowing these words from Isaiah to become my words as I long for – ache for – the “justice and righteousness” that God has promised.<br /><br />* Luke 2:1-7 (she gave birth to her first born son. . .)<br /><br />Jim says –<br /> Although it happened 25 years ago, I remember my wife’s Joan words as she scattered our son’s ashes over the side of the little boat: “When I first felt you move inside me...”<br /> I realized that she had known our son nine months longer than I had. Nine months longer than it was possible for me to know him. Because as a male, I cannot give birth.<br /> Has it never occurred to anyone that Luke’s is a woman’s story? Matthew tells everything from the male viewpoint. The annunciation is to Joseph. The visiting Magi are male. Joseph has the dream to flee Bethlehem, and another dream to return.<br /> But Luke tells the story from Mary’s viewpoint. Nowhere else in the Bible is there a comparable version.<br /> Assuming there’s any historical validity to that story, it includes details that only Mary would have known or remembered. About her pregnancy. About her baby’s birth. About her purification in the Temple...<br /> These are the stories that one woman would tell to another. But Mary would never – in the culture of that time – tell those stories to a man. A man would not have listened to a woman’s tales of childbirth; if childbirth made her unclean, then uncleanness made her stories of no value.<br /> The content of Luke’s gospel leads me to believe that its writer was not a man, regardless of what tradition claims.<br /> Luke’s nativity is a woman’s story; it should be told by a woman, to other women, and not pontificated over by a man. Nor even by me.<br /><br />Ralph says:<br /> Here’s the thing about symbols. About stories. About songs.<br /> It doesn’t matter so much what was intended. Shakespeare cried out his despair when he wrote: “Life . . .is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”<br /> When I read it, the despair I feel is my despair. Not his.<br /> It doesn’t matter what joy Wordsworth felt when he wrote: “And then my heart with pleasure fills and dances with the daffodils.”<br /> When I read that poem, the joy I feel is my joy. Not his.<br /> When I read Luke’s nativity story, told with such disarming, powerful, holy simplicity, it brings me to tears. It really does.<br /> Because in those bright spaces between the gentle words of that story I find my own story. The unremembered story of my own mother. The half-remembered stories of tender moments – tearful, terrifying moments with my own children and grandchildren.<br /> And the yearning.<br /> And the hope.<br /> And the holy promise declared to us.<br /> In that one baby<br /> and that one life<br /> and in that one life beyond life.<br /> lies the promise I can taste in my own tears.<br /><br />If you are following the Revised Common Lectionary, you’ll find a children’s story based on Luke 1 and Luke 3 on page 22 of “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C.”<br /> For those following our alternate suggestions, you’ll find a children’s story based on Luke 2:1-7 on page 30 of Year B.<br /> By the way, there’s a combined scripture index for all three volumes at the back of Year C.<br /> Reports are coming in from all over about how useful this project is to clergy and Christian educators. If you would like to order, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a>, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”<br /> <a href="http://tinyurl.com/2lonod">http://tinyurl.com/2lonod</a><br /> Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rumors – A Practical Joke<br /> It’s a marvelous, wonderful, wise, loving, practical joke.<br /> Christmas! The nativity.<br /> There’s God, down through the centuries, listening to the prophecies about the Messiah.<br /> Some of them were wonderful and beautiful and spoke the mind of God.<br /> Others thundered away about the Conqueror, the one who’d come in on a white horse, with sword and shield, a leader that would be better and tougher than King David.<br /> So God gave them the gift they so badly needed. But not the gift they expected.<br /> It was King David II they wanted. It was a tiny baby they got. What a hoot!<br /> They wanted power. So God gave them the power of weakness. They wanted a conqueror. So God gave them love that conquers all.<br /> That must have been good for a heavenly chuckle or perhaps even a belly laugh, if a belly laugh is possible for a God who is spirit.<br /> It was not the laughter of derision. It was the laughter of a loving, gentle parent waking up long before the kids on Christmas morning, waking up in anticipation of the face of the child when that special gift is opened, the child who receives so much more than it ever dared ask for in the letter to Santa.<br /> And the laughter of God is the laughter of a pleased-as-punch parent who receives the Christmas thank-you hug of a delighted child.<br /> The joke comes back every year. <br /> From “Sermon Seasonings,”<br /> Wood Lake Books, 1997<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor<br />When Beginnings are Endings<br /> The Christmas cactus on our kitchen counter has burst into bloom again. Its vivid pink blossoms defy the murky skies outside.<br /> I wonder how it knows to bloom at Christmas and Easter. I know it has something to do with amount of light. Except as the hours of outdoor sunlight lessen, the hours of indoor artificial light increase.<br /> Here in the northern hemisphere, that little Christmas cactus seems out of sync with the rest of nature. Everything else – including me –is in retreat. The hummingbirds have flown south. Trees and garden plants would do the same if they weren’t rooted so deeply into the soil; instead, they withdraw their vitality and hunker down to wait out the winter.<br /> And we humans insulate ourselves from the inhospitable world outside with padded coats and mittens, with heated homes and extra blankets...<br /> And when, I wonder idly, does a Christmas cactus bloom in Australia? Does it still mirror the Christian festivals? If it blooms in June and September, can it still be called a Christmas cactus?<br /> Actually, June might be just as accurate for Jesus’ birthday as December. The Bible doesn’t specify dates. No birth certificate has come down through the ages. Even the Romans – meticulous record keepers otherwise – made no mention of a Jewish census that might pinpoint the time of Jesus’ birth.<br /> But the Nativity stories have come to be associated with the turn of the year – winter equinox in the northern hemisphere, when the slow slide towards darkness reverses itself, when the days start getting longer and warmer again.<br /> British poet T.S. Eliot, a devout Catholic himself, took a midwinter Christmas for granted in his poem, the Journey of the Magi.<br /> “A cold coming we had of it,<br /> Just the worst time of the year<br /> For a journey...”<br /> The faith story, similarly, focuses on equinoxes in our lives – turning points, for reversing our desire to insulate ourselves, to withdraw, to cling with mittened hands to the urns of ancient certainties.<br /> After presenting a variety of images from the Magi’s travels, Eliot asks:<br /> “...Were we led all that way for<br /> Birth or Death?<br /> There was a Birth, certainly,<br /> We had evidence and no doubt.<br /> I had seen birth and death,<br /> But had thought they were different;<br /> this Birth was Hard and bitter agony for us,<br /> like Death, our death.<br /> We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,<br /> But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation,<br /> With an alien people clutching their gods.<br /> I should be glad of another death.”<br /> Christmas does indeed celebrate a birth.<br /> But as every parent discovers, a birth is also a kind of death. Familiar patterns of life come to an abrupt end as the newborn infant takes control of sleep, leisure time, and even bank accounts.<br /> Eliot was right. Christmas also calls for a kind of death – a giving up of old selfish ways, turning away from worn-out assumptions, starting life over in a different mind space.<br /> Are you ready for that?<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Douglas Lawson of Sherwood Park, Alberta typed in a note saying the Bible Study would adjourn for Christmas looking at “the Sermon on the Mount: Matthew 5:27-32 (You shall not commit adultery) until March 17.”<br /><br />Becky Sherwood of East Moline, Illinois thinks there must be a sermon in this somewhere. The announcement read, “Christians around the world stand today in breathless anticipation of a miracle that has been repeated for more than 2000 years, yet that astroids us anew each year.”<br /><br />If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<br /><br />Wish I’d Said That! – “Honk if you love Jesus. Text while you’re driving if you’d like to meet him.”<br /> from a bumper sticker via Don Propeck<br /><br />If the law is of such a nature that it requires you to be an agent of injustice. . .then, I say, break the law.<br /> Henry David Thoreau via Upendo, Jim<br /><br />Blessed are those that can give without remembering and receive without forgetting.<br /> unknown via Velia Watts<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />We Get Letters – I expected a barrage of letters when I ran the story about Mary becoming pregnant by a Roman soldier. There were only two that went beyond a simple remark –the one I ran last week from Alice Warnes, and this one from Mervyn Flecknoe of West Yorkshire, England.<br /> Rumors is not a discussion forum so I don’t plan to show any more letters on this topic (though of course you are always welcome to write). But the letter from Alice and this one from Mervyn show us two thoughtful but differing responses.<br /> “Last week's Rumors about how Mary might have got pregnant in an occupied state with many soldiers far from home challenged me. I think I can imagine how Mary, engaged to an upright man, must have felt when she discovered her pregnancy. She had lost everything. To hear the angel tell her that this child was a child of God, worthy of love, who would go on to do great things, was just what she needed. <br /> “Many women around the world, in every war zone, are bearing children conceived with a man they have reason to hate. This is a message for them. I am all for a woman's right to choose but if that choice turns out to be to keep the baby, let it be a loved baby that can achieve great things. <br /> “Many thanks for the challenge.”<br /><br />Someone named Kit Hahn sent this. Or at least, that’s the name I infer from the e-mail address. (Note to everyone. When you send me letters, please tell me your name and where you live. Please!)<br /> Kit sends along a cartoon called, “The Back Pew” by Jeff Larson, and it shows three Canadians all dressed up in fur hats and toques. “Behold, eh!” says one. “He’s a keeper, eh?” says the second. “Beauty, eh!” says the third.<br /> Below the cartoon we are told that this is “The Christmas Story retold for Canada.” “And the baby Jesus was born by Bob McMurphy’s ice fishing hole since there was no room in the ice shack, eh. Then these three smart Alex Canucks came to visit bearing gifts of loonies, townies and live bait.”<br /><br />Here is a pun from Darren Liepold of Toronto, Ontario, which is just too terribly awful not to run. I have to get it out of my computer somehow or my hard disc will fry, so I’m sending it out to you. Don’t read it. Just delete it as quickly as you can.<br /> “Did you hear they arrested the horse wearing the bad toupee?<br /> “He was charged for using an assumed mane.”<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Flabbergasted!”)This was sent by Claire Phillips. It’s a fun thing to use at one of those Christmas parties we are obliged to attend each year. (Which begs a question. Why is it that every group you belong to has to have a Christmas party every year?)<br />Alternate meanings for common words:<br />* Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.<br />* Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.<br />* Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.<br />* Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.<br />* Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.<br />* Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.<br />* Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.<br />* Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.<br />* Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.<br />* Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.<br />* Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.<br />* Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.<br />* Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.<br />* Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.<br />* Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.<br />* Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bottom of the Barrel – This from Mike Crockett who used to live in Cape Town, but now hangs his hat in Solihull. UK.<br /> A young monk arrives at the monastery<br /> He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.<br /> So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.<br /> "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,” says the head monk. “But you make a good point, my son."<br /> The old monk goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.<br /> Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees the old man banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !"<br /> "What's wrong, father?"<br /> With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was CELEBRATE!<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Isaiah 9:6-7, Luke 2:1-7<br /><br />Reader 1: I think we should go back to using the Bible our grandparents used. My grandmother used to say, “If the St. James version was good enough for St. Paul, it’s good enough for me.”<br />Reader 2: I hope she was joking. It wasn’t the “St. James” version it was the “King James” version because it was commission by King James in 1604, at least 15 hundred years after St. Paul.<br />1: Oh, grandma was joking all right. She was always hoping somebody would catch her up on that. But she loved that Bible.<br />2: It was beautifully written. No doubt about that. But it was also very inaccurate in lots of places, and it’s written in the English of Shakespeare.<br />1: Oh, I know. I know. But couldn’t we go back to it. Just this once. (WHINING A LITTLE) Please!<br />2: Alright. Just this once. I’ll let you read this whole passage. It from the book of Isaiah, and some people claimed it predicted the coming of Jesus. But prophets weren’t fortune tellers. In this passage Isaiah is looking around at what is happening, and he writes this passage which is his yearning – aching for a better world.<br />SLIGHT PAUSE<br />1: For unto us a child is born,<br />Unto us a son is given:<br />And the government shall be upon his shoulder.<br />And his name shall be called<br />Wonderful,<br />Counselor<br />The mighty God.<br />The everlasting Father.<br />The Prince of Peace.<br />Of the increase of his government and peace there shall be no end, upon the throne of David, and upon his kingdom, to order it and it establish it with judgment and with justice from henceforth even forever. The zeal of the Lord of Hosts will perform this.<br />SLIGHT PAUSE<br />2: I have to agree. That is beautiful and powerful. At least the first part. The second half would have been better from a new translation.<br />1: So what about our next passage – the story of the birth of Jesus? Can we read that from the King James Bible?<br />2: No.<br />1: Why not?<br />2: Because this passage is much more beautiful in the New Revised Standard Version that we use most of the time in our scripture readings. In fact, it is almost achingly beautiful. Luke tells the story of Jesus birth which such a shimmering simplicity. He uses as few words as possible, because he wants us to imagine what it was like. Luke wants us to bring our own lives – our own experience – into hearing this story.<br />1: Then I think you should read this one. You obviously love it very deeply.<br />2: Thank you. I do. This is from the gospel of Luke, the second chapter.<br />SLIGHT PAUSE<br />2: In those days a decree went out from Emperor Augustus that all the world should be registered. All went to their own towns to be registered.<br /> Joseph also went from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to the city of David called Bethlehem, because he was descended from the house and family of David. Joseph went to be registered with Mary, to whom he was engaged and who was expecting a child.<br /> While they were there, the time came for Mary to deliver her child. And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in bands of cloth, and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don't put anything else in that e-mail<br />To Unsubscribe:<br />* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.<br />Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-47162714084686887212009-11-26T15:03:00.000-08:002009-11-26T15:04:53.066-08:00Preaching Materials for December 6th, 2009R U M O R S # 578<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2009-11-29<br /><br />November 29, 2009<br /><br />MARY’S SONG OF HOPE<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Motto:<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Several folks have written wondering if it’s possible to get the Reader’s Theatre further in advance. I wish I could promise that, but my mind is as organized as my daughter’s bedroom when she was a teenager. I usually manage to get Rumors done by Wednesday or Thursday, and that’s when I post it to the blog. So it’s not much help, but you can usually get it a day or two early if you check there.<br /> So please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. <a href="http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/">http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/</a><br /> If you check it a day or two early, there’s a good chance you’ll find Rumors there.<br /> Thanks.<br />*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />The Story – about the yearning<br />Rumors – the God who sang the song through you<br />Soft Edges – learning the moves<br />Bloopers – about the duplicity<br />We Get Letters – this time you blew it<br />Mirabile Dictu! – hydrogin<br />Bottom of the Barrel – no Baptists<br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Isaiah 11:1-9 and Luke 1:39-56<br />Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rib Tickler – Preaching on the text of Ananias and Sapphira to a large congregation, the minister pounded her fist on the pulpit and roared, “God doesn’t strike people dead for lying like used to happen. Why, if God had continued to do that, where would I be?”<br /> When the congregation stopped snickering, she roared back, “I’ll tell you where I’d be. Right here preaching to an empty church!”<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, December 6th, which is the second Sunday of Advent. If you are using the Revised Common Lectionary, the readings are:<br />* <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=96#hebrew_reading">Malachi 3:1-4</a> or <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=96#hebrew_oth_reading">Baruch 5:1-9</a><br />* <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=96#psalm_reading">Luke 1:68-79</a><br />* <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=96#epistle_reading">Philippians 1:3-11</a><br />* <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=96#gospel_reading">Luke 3:1-6</a><br /><br />However:<br />If you are using the “Milton-Taylor Heretical Advent Story Lectionary”<br />you’ll be focusing on these three:<br />* Isaiah 11:1-9 “. . .a shoot shall come out from the stump of Jesse. . .”<br />* Luke 1:39-45, 56 “. . .Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the child leaped in her womb. . .’<br />* Luke 1:46-55 “My soul magnifies the Lord. . .” also known as the “Magnificat.”<br /> The Magnificat – Mary’s song of praise – is often used in place of the psalm. Note Jim’s paraphrase below.<br /><br />The Story – Isaiah 11:1-9 and Luke 1:39-45, 56<br />Ralph says –<br />It’s about yearning, I think. On the sign outside a local church I see the phrase: “It’s about love.” Which is true, but love without justice is hollow and sentimental. So which comes first? It’s a bit of a chicken-egg question.<br /> Jacques Brel, in a song I have loved over the years, sings: “If we only have love we can melt all the guns/and then give the new world to our daughters and sons.” And he lists all the things we can do “if we only have love.” Clearly he is saying that love comes first but that love finds its fulfillment in justice. If our love doesn’t lead to action it’s sentimental mush.<br /> Isaiah seems to feel that it’s God’s love that will initiate a realm of justice and kindness and honor. Mary, as she sings her ancient song, agrees. Everything starts with God’s action – in this case with “the lowliness of God’s servant.”<br /> Years ago, Bev and I went to a Marriage Encounter where we were taught that “love is a choice.” If you choose to love, you will do loving things, and that will lead you into the experience of love. You don’t fall in love, you act your way into it.<br /> Which is a pretty good, action oriented, Protestant work-ethic philosophy. That’s what my parents lived and taught, and I guess that’s what I’ve lived and taught all my life too. It certainly isn’t the only way, I’m sure.<br /> Why is it that now in the sunset of my life, I’m only beginning to learn what I need to learn?<br /><br />Luke 1:47-55 – – paraphrased by Jim Taylor<br />Mary's – and perhaps every woman's – song of pregnancy.<br />47 My body bulges with new life;<br />the joy of it shines in my face.<br />48 For so long I have longed for this child.<br />Year after year, I felt I failed;<br />I was the most miserable of women.<br />But now everyone smiles at me; they congratulate me;<br />I'm so happy!<br />49 Now I know that prayers can be answered;<br />50 now I know that the deepest longings of the heart can take flesh.<br />51 I will be the best mother there ever was!<br />You don't have to be rich or famous to nurture new life;<br />you don't need big houses or expensive nannies –<br />you need love.<br />52 The most important person in the world lives inside me;<br />my unborn child matters more than prime ministers or presidents.<br />53 I feed my child with my own life blood;<br />I will nurse it with the milk of my own body.<br />No one else in all the world, no matter how rich or powerful, enjoys that privilege.<br />54 I care for my child the way I know God cares for me.<br />55 As the child lives in my womb, so I live in the womb of God.<br /> From: Everyday Psalms<br /> Wood Lake Publications.<br /> For details, go to <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a><br /><br />If you are using the Revised Common Lectionary, you will find an appropriate children’s version in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C,” page 22, which is based on Luke 1 and Luke 3. It attempts to tell a bit of the story of John the Baptizer.<br /> If you are going with our suggestions, you can find a children’s version of the Isaiah story in Year A, page 13, titled “Making Ploughs out of Swords.” A children’s version of the Luke passage, based on verses 1:39-55, is found on page 28 and called, “Mary, Elizabeth, and Their Babies.”<br /> If you don’t already own this three-volume resource, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a>, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”<br /> <a href="http://tinyurl.com/2lonod">http://tinyurl.com/2lonod</a><br /> Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rumors – The story of Mary and Elizabeth<br /> "...the God who sang the song through you."<br /><br /> Mary's feet hurt. She'd forgotten how far it was from Nazareth to the hilltop home of her cousin Elizabeth.<br /> Mary had started out early that morning, trying hard to hide her morning sickness. A desperate and fearful child she was – all of 14 years old, making up stories and excuses so she could go to visit her cousin.<br /> Why Elizabeth? Mary wasn't sure. Except that Mary knew Elizabeth had always loved her even when she had felt less than lovable. And now, when Mary was in terrible trouble, she hoped – she knew Elizabeth would love her still.<br /> Except that Elizabeth was married to a priest, and priests were sworn to enforce the very law that would surely have her executed. Death by stoning was the punishment for girls who got pregnant before marriage.<br /> Now Elizabeth's house was just up the hill. And there was Elizabeth, big as life and pregnant.<br /> "Elizabeth!" Mary called, joy and fear mingling in her voice.<br /> "Mary!"<br /> The two women ran toward each other, embraced and cried and laughed.<br /> "Let me look at you, Mary," said Elizabeth, cupping her cousin's face in her hands. With her wise old eyes, Elizabeth looked deep into the young and tragic eyes of her cousin and saw the pain there.<br /> "Mary, what's wrong?"<br /> The dam burst. The flood of tears, held back by courage and by fear, burst and spilled into the arms of the older woman, who held the young one close until the flood had passed.<br /> "I'm pregnant, Elizabeth," Mary whispered.<br /> "Oh God help us," said Elizabeth, not as a curse but a prayer. "God help us!"<br /> "It's so hard to explain..." Mary began.<br /> "Then don't explain, Mary," Elizabeth said, touching Mary gently on the lips. "Just know that regardless of what may have happened, I love you and God loves you. Now let's just sit down here, in the shade, and talk.<br /> And talk they did. Until the sun had set and they pulled their cloaks around themselves against the cold, they talked as only women who know pain and joy know how to talk.<br /> "Mary," said Elizabeth, "I could feel my baby kicking inside me when I heard you call. That baby was glad to see you Mary. Glad to see you, and the baby you are carrying. Mary, a child to come is God's promise of hope."<br /> "I know that, Elizabeth. There is one part of me that is full of joy, and strong, and hopeful. There's another part of me that is angry and terrified and cowardly. Sometimes I feel as if I'm two people."<br /> "Mary, do you remember an old song I used to sing for you – the one that was sung so many years ago by Hannah, one of our foremothers, when she waited those long years for a baby? During all the long, long years I waited for God to send me a baby, that song helped me feel strength and patience, even when I was afraid and angry."<br /> Quietly, then with more and more strength, Mary began to sing the old, old song.<br /><br /> All that I am<br /> grows and expands,<br /> and rejoices with God<br /> who will save me.<br /> Small as I am,<br /> I grow and expand,<br /> to the future and God<br /> who has blessed me.<br /> God's love offers life,<br /> God's strength is the love<br /> that brings justice and peace<br /> to all nations.<br /> God's love offers life,<br /> To the poor and the meek<br /> Who are raised from the ground<br /> where they suffer.<br /> All that I am<br /> grows and expands,<br /> with God who brings life,<br /> hope and justice."<br /> Elizabeth looked at the slip of a girl called Mary. So thin, so weak, so vulnerable. And yet, deep in those dark, youthful eyes, Elizabeth saw great strength, courage and faith.<br /> "I don't know how, Mary, because I know all the laws and all the customs of our people are lined up to destroy you. But somehow I believe God is with you. The child in my womb, the child in yours, are God's gifts of hope, Mary. Can you believe that, Mary? Even when everything seems to be painful and wrong, can you believe in the God who sang that song through you?"<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor<br />Learning the Moves<br /> Our family has found its routines upset by Joan’s chemotherapy recently. So I’ve been diving back into my archives, and finding columns that are worth repeating. Here’s one of them.<br /><br />Joan bought me a CD of hit songs from the 1950s. If you’re anywhere near my age, you may remember Perry Como singing “I used to be a dance hall dandy, I knew all there was to know. I knew this-a-way, from that-a-way, Now I don’t know what’s goin’ on…” I never thought of Perry Como as a theologian. But in those long-ago lyrics, I hear an explanation for the current ills of many churches.<br /> Sociologist Reg Bibby believes that the downturn in church attendance may have bottomed out. The continuing decline among younger people seems to have slowed. There may even be a slight upturn in attendance. (That’s in Canada; the U.S. has not experienced the same precipitous slump.)<br /> Reg attributes this turnaround to a renewed interest in religion. Reg is a smart man. But I think he may have missed the point.<br /> Church (and religion) is a social phenomenon, like cocktail parties, bingo, and bridge. If you don’t feel comfortable in that milieu, you won’t take part.<br /> I recall taking Joan to a baseball game on a beautiful balmy summer night, long before we were married. Lights made the field glow emerald against the surrounding dark. I remember the crack of bat on ball, the thunk of ball in oiled glove, the raucous rulings of the umpire, dust rising behind the spikes of a runner racing to steal second…<br /> Joan was bored. She didn’t understand baseball.<br /> The tables were turned on me, when I watched an outdoor chess game. The player I thought was losing, because he had fewer pieces left on the board, made a move. The bystanders burst into spontaneous applause. Checkmate!<br /> I didn’t have a clue what he had just done.<br /> If you don’t understand the moves, it’s all gibberish. Whether it’s baseball or chess.<br /> Or church.<br /> On those occasions when non-churchgoers find themselves trapped in a worship service – mostly at weddings and funerals, but also at Christmas and Easter – I watch them fumble with bulletin and hymnbook. They don’t know what page to turn to. They don’t know when to stand, when to sit.<br /> Regular churchgoers have some sense of what to expect. But for a stranger, the language, the symbols, the actions might as well be gibberish. Why these colors? Why these gestures? Why sing dirges accompanied by asthmatic organs? Why, in fact, read from a Bible, instead of from, say, Buckminster Fuller, Mark Twain, or Deepak Chopra?<br /> Once upon a time, everyone was familiar with the chess moves of the church. They didn’t necessarily care much, but they knew what was going on.<br /> But today, church is an unfamiliar environment. Most people, I suspect, find themselves more comfortable with the conventions of the casino or the curling rink. Church makes them feel awkward.<br /> Like Perry Como, they “don’t know what’s goin’ on.”<br /> So they stay away.<br /> And they will continue to stay away from churches that expect them to learn a foreign culture before they can feel comfortable.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Sometimes advertising is more honest than it intends to be. Vern Ratzlaff of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan saw this line in a newspaper ad. “Save regularly at our bank; you'll never reget it.”<br /><br />Janice Minardi of Madison Wisconsin writes “At first I thought perhaps it was intentional. I loved ‘a child of sorrow and aquatinted with grief.’ It is too good to correct.”<br /> Janice, I looked at your e-mail half a dozen times before I got it. I’m one of those people who sees the shape of a word and infers the meaning from the context, and so my mind skipped right over “aquatinted.” Now I’m wondering what color “aquatinted” might be.<br /><br />Pat Bush enjoyed this note in a newsletter. "I am re-sending this email individually because a large number of the emails I sent out as a mass mailing have bounced back with 'delivery failed' notices. If you already received this message, I apologize for the duplicity."<br /><br />If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<br /><br />Wish I’d Said That! – To get the full value of a joy, you must have somebody to divide it with.<br /> Mark Twain via Mary from Oman<br /><br />Evelyn McLachlan sent these a little late for American Thanksgiving and way late for the Canadian celebration. But it doesn’t matter.<br /> “Last Thanksgiving, I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey. Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department.”<br /> “When everyone at the table takes turns saying what they are thankful for, say, ‘I'm thankful I didn't get caught,’ and refuse to say anything more.”<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />We Get Letters – Alice Warnes writes: “Ralph! This time you blew it!<br /> I was appalled at your depiction of Baby Jesus being the bastard offspring of a Roman soldier. I feel you stepped over a line.<br /> Christmas is hard enough for us older folks who struggle with our personal truths suddenly becoming "myths". I look at our beautiful Nativity Scene on our mantle (you know, the one from Costco) and I get a pang as I suddenly ask myself, did any of this happen? And wishing folks a "Merry Christmas" is so yesterday. But I can go along with "Happy Holidays".<br /> However, Mary – being raped by a soldier – adds a particularly vulgar dimension that we don't need. I can't be the only one to be revolted by this. I suspect you may even be hearing from the Pope. At least you should.<br /> I can't wait for the next issue of Rumors. You really stepped in it this time.<br /><br />Russell Pastuch of Ottawa, Ontario writes: “I figured the Messiah had a backbone, what with being born to a Roman ‘solider’.”<br /> But I got lost a few sentences later when you announced ‘A child, just ‘barley’ a woman.’ Does this have anything to do with the martini later on? Perhaps a barley sandwich – a good brewskie?”<br /><br />Lynton Wade of Caroline Springs, Victoria, Australia writes: “The artificial insemination line reminded me of the two cows chatting about the prevalence of Mad Cow’s Disease. One was completely agitated about it, the other quite relaxed, ‘I’m not worried about it,’ said the relaxed cow. ‘I’m a tractor’.”<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Hydrogin!”)<br />This list is reported to have been compiled of things students wrote on exams. It may have started there, but it is largely made of contributions as it has circulated around the net.<br />* H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.<br />* To collect fumes from sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.<br />* When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.<br />* Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.<br />* A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.<br />* Liter: A nest of young puppies.<br />* Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.<br />* Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.<br />* Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.<br />* Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.<br />* The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.<br />* A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.<br />* To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.<br />* For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the heart until it stops.<br />* For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.<br />* Germinate: To become a naturalized German.<br />* The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.<br />* Blood flows down one leg and up the other.<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bottom of the Barrel – (Note: Change the denomination and location to suit yourself.)<br />Three atheists were teasing a Baptist minister.<br /> “I think I will move to Nevada,” said one. “Only 25% of the people are Baptist.”<br /> “No, I’m going to Colorado,” said the second. “Only 10% of the people are Baptist.”<br /> “Better yet is Canada,” said the third. “Only 5% there are Baptist”<br /> “I have the best suggestion of all,” said the minister smiling. “Why don’t you all go to Hell. There are NO Baptists there!”<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Isaiah 11:1-9 and Luke 1:39-56<br />Reader 1: Do you like poetry?<br />Reader 2: Sure I do. Would you like me to recite my favorite poem?<br />1: OK.<br />2: “Mary had a little lamb, it’s fleece was white as snow.<br />And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.” (LAUGHS)<br />1: No, no. I mean real poetry. Poetry that get’s right down inside you. That works way deep down inside the belly, or the brain.<br />2: Yeah, I know. I was just pulling your leg. I think you are talking about the passage from Isaiah. I almost ache when I hear that.<br />1: I’m wondering if Isaiah’s time was a bit like ours. We have wars all over – starvation and AIDS in Africa, political conflict all over – homeless people freezing on our streets.<br />2: And Isaiah closes his eyes and tries to imagine what will happen when God comes and takes charge of his hurting world. It’s an aching, hurting dream.<br />SLIGHT PAUSE<br />1: A shoot shall come out from the stump of Jesse, and a branch shall grow out of his roots.<br />2: The spirit of God shall rest on this person, the spirit of wisdom and understanding, the spirit of counsel and might, the spirit of knowledge and the fear of the God. And this is the blessing that will rest on the person God sends:<br />1: Delight in the fear of God<br />2: Judgment, not by what is seen or heard.<br />1: The poor shall be judged with righteousness.<br />2: Equity for the meek of the earth;<br />1: And the wicked shall be killed.<br />2: The wolf shall live with the lamb, the leopard shall lie down with the kid,<br />1: The calf and the lion and the fatling together, and a little child shall lead them.<br />2: The cow and the bear shall graze, their young shall lie down together; and the lion shall eat straw like the ox.<br />1: The nursing child shall play over the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put its hand on the adder's den.<br />2: They will not hurt or destroy on all my holy mountain; for the earth will be full of the knowledge of God as the waters cover the sea.<br />(SLIGHT PAUSE)<br />1: That is so beautiful. Can’t you just imagine the people of the early church. They were thinking of who Jesus was and what he was trying to do, and when they read this passage, they said “Wow! That writer must have been talking about Jesus.”<br />2: Were they right?<br />1: It doesn’t matter. That kind of yearning for peace and justice and beauty and joy and wholeness – that’s what Jesus was about.<br />2: We have another passage to read. This one is about Mary going to visit her cousin Elizabeth.<br />1: Nowadays we’re not bothered by a woman being pregnant before she was married, but in those days that was a terrible thing. The punishment for that could be death by stoning. I wonder if that’s why Mary ran off to visit Elizabeth.<br />2: Could be. But before we read that story, I just want to point out that the song Mary sings was probably a really old song. There’s one very much like it sung by Hanna many years ago when she realized she was pregnant. Hannah gave birth to Samuel the prophet.<br />(SLIGHT PAUSE) <br />1: We are reading from the first chapter of Luke’s gospel.<br />2: In those days Mary set out and went with haste to a Judean town in the hill country, where she entered the house of Zechariah. She greeted Elizabeth.<br />1: When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the child leaped in her womb. And Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit and exclaimed with a loud cry, "Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb. And why has this happened to me, that the mother of the Messiah comes to me? For as soon as I heard the sound of your greeting, the child in my womb leaped for joy. And blessed are you Mary, because you believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to you by God."<br />2: My soul proclaims your greatness, O God,<br />And my spirit rejoices in you, my Savior.<br />For you have looked with favor<br />Upon your lowly servant<br />And from this day forward<br />All generations shall call me blessed.<br />For you, the Almighty have done great things for me,<br />And holy is your Name.<br />Your mercy reaches from age to age<br />For those who fear you.<br />You have shown strength with your arm:<br />You have scattered the proud in their conceit;<br />You have deposed the mighty from their thrones<br />And raised the lowly to high places.<br />You have filled the hungry with good things,<br />And you have sent the rich away empty.<br />You have come to the aid of Israel your servant,<br />Mindful of your mercy –<br />The promise you made to our ancestors –<br />To Sarah and Abraham<br />And their descendants forever.*<br />1: And Mary remained with Elizabeth about three months and then returned to her home in Nazareth.<br /><br />* this rendering of the Magnificat is taken from “The Inclusive Bible.”<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don't put anything else in that e-mail<br />To Unsubscribe:<br />* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.<br />Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-11704470981335725092009-11-19T11:41:00.000-08:002009-11-19T11:42:41.968-08:00Preaching Materials for November 29, 2009R U M O R S # 577<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2009-11-22<br /><br />November 22, 2009<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Note: Jim Taylor is on the road this week and is having internet problems. He used that antique invention, the phone, to tell me that he would not be able to provide his comments to the lectionary nor his “Soft Edges” column.<br /> He’ll be back next week.<br /><br />*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />The Story – breathless beauty<br />Rumors – Look God, you blew it<br />Soft Edges – not available. See above.<br />Bloopers – holy Holly<br />We Get Letters – anguishing joy<br />Mirabile Dictu! – Déjà Moo<br />Bottom of the Barrel – when you’re really sick<br />Rationale for the Alternate Advent Lectionary<br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Isaiah 7:14-16 and Luke 1:26-38<br />Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rib Tickler – This from John Severson.<br /> The minister waited in line to have the car filled with gas just before a longholiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead. Finally, the attendant motioned the minister toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young attendant, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, November 29th, which is the first Sunday in Advent.<br />* <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=95#hebrew_reading">Jeremiah 33:14-16</a><br />* <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=95#psalm_reading">Psalm 25:1-10</a><br />* <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=95#epistle_reading">1 Thessalonians 3:9-13</a><br />* <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=95#gospel_reading">Luke 21:25-36</a><br /><br />However!<br />Last Tuesday you received a special bulletin announcing an alternate set of readings for this Advent – readings that we feel are more relevant to the church as it is today. If you misplaced or just didn’t read that bulletin, it is reproduced below, just before the Reader’s Theatre.<br /><br />The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Isaiah 7:14-16 and Luke 1:26-38<br />Ralph says –<br />I’ve put these two readings together because they are both about the same thing. It really doesn’t matter that the prophet was probably speaking about his own wife. But the birth of the child was a sign that “God is with us” as the name Immanuel means. Later generations began to read this as a sign of the coming Messiah, which is as it should be. We all read the scripture that way. Every child born into this world is a sign that God is with us.<br /> And let’s not get hung up on gynecological details. The early church, years after the death and resurrection of Jesus, mistranslated Isaiah’s “young woman” as “virgin,” and Luke wrote it down that way. It became so important to them that this Jesus who was for them the Christ, the Messiah, be in some way particularly and directly connected to God. They didn’t know how to express that and so the legend of his birth grew and blossomed.<br /> So of course it had to be the angel who made a special trip to deliver the message and of course Mary had to be the perfect woman because who else but a perfect woman could give birth to such a person.<br /> I’m a bit sad that the implication is that a child born out of the love of both a man and a woman might be less than perfect and less a messenger of God’s love. But I’m not going to let that spoil the breathless beauty of this legend.<br /> I tried to capture this beauty and wonder in children’s versions of both the Isaiah and Luke readings, in the Lectionary Story Bible (see below). Adults really benefit from hearing these and understand the bible readings more deeply. That is why many worship leaders choose to read them while the children are still with the adults. The grown-ups don’t realize it’s as much for them as for the kids.<br /><br />Psalm 25:1-10 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor<br />1 I look up to you, my Savior. I trust you.<br />2 Do not disgrace me. Do not let others crow over my humiliation.<br />3 Those who are sneaky and devious–let them make fools of themselves, Lord.<br />4 But I do not want to be one of them, Lord.<br />I want to be more like you.<br />5. So take me under your wing. Protect me while I learn to fly.<br />Hold my hand while I learn to walk.<br />You are my only chance; I hang all my hopes on you.<br />6 I've been told you don't hold grudges;<br />I have heard you are compassionate.<br />7 Don't hold my past against me.<br />I have done wrong–but who hasn't?<br />Except you.<br />If you must judge, set an example for us;<br />Show us the compassion and kindness you expect us to show others.<br />8 Act according to your own standards, not according to the world's.<br />9 Then the humble will learn how to handle themselves;<br />the broken of body will be able to stand tall;<br />the poor can walk proud,<br />10 because they walk in your ways.<br />Your way is founded on love and faithfulness;<br />those who choose to walk with you, learn from you.<br /> From: Everyday Psalms<br /> Wood Lake Publications.<br /> For details, go to <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a><br /><br />If you are planning to stick to the prescribed lectionary, you will find two useful children’s stories in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C.” On page 16, you’ll find a story based on 1 Thessalonians 3:9-13 called “How to Be a Church Together.” On page 21 you’ll find a story based on the passage from Luke called “What Do Prophets Do.”<br /> If you are going with the alternate readings we suggest, you’ll find a delightful story (at least, I enjoyed writing it) called “A Child Named Immanuel,” based on Isaiah 7:10-16 on page 33 of volume A. Also in volume A is an annunciation story based on the readings from Luke and Matthew. It’s called “Joseph’s Brave Choice,” and it’s on page 35.<br /> If you don’t already own this three-volume set of stories based on the Revised Common Lectionary, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a>, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”<br /> <a href="http://tinyurl.com/2lonod">http://tinyurl.com/2lonod</a><br /> If you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rumors – “This time, God, you blew it!”<br />The Incarnation– a fantasy<br />ÓRalph Milton<br />(Note: This is a very unorthodox and somewhat heretical perspective. Some might find it deeply upsetting. Please read it yourself before you read it to a congregation or a Bible study group.)<br /><br /> God had called a meeting of the heavenly hosts to consider the proposal.<br /> "I've told 'em and told 'em and I've told 'em," said God, when they were all sitting around the board room table. "All that business with Abraham and Isaac and Joseph. And then there was Isaiah scaring the pants off 'em and Jeremiah with his audiovisuals. Even Ezekiel on his psychedelic trip. Nobody listens to me anymore. I get no respect.<br /> "How about another prophet?" said Gabriel. "Only this time, one with a bit of class. White suit. Healing everybody. Strong speaker. Charismatic personality. Tongues...yeah, speaking in tongues. We haven't done that little number...."<br /> "Look, Gabe...," said God. "I know I put you in charge of PR but another prophet won't do. Even with a white suit and tongues. It's gotta be something more. It's got to be the Messiah."<br /> "You're kidding," said Gabriel.<br /> "No. I mean it. Time to stop fooling around. If you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself. So I shall become flesh and dwell among them. Get me the Messiah suit."<br /> Gabriel was dumbfounded. He didn’t expect God to go through with it. Never did he expect God to become a human being, even though there had been promises to that effect for centuries.<br /> And Gabriel had certainly never seen a Messiah suit. But there he stood at the locker with the key in his hand.<br /> It was a greyish, moth-eaten piece of badly woven wool.<br /> "Ah...God...." said Gabriel on the intercom to the throne room. "I think you must have sent me to the wrong locker. It was number 666, wasn't it?"<br /> "Of course!' said God. "I don't make mistakes."<br /> "Well, ah, it doesn't look much like a Messiah suit to me. It isn't really the kind of thing you'd wear on a triumphal ride into Jerusalem. It's nothing but an old wool rag..."<br /> "That's it!" said the voice on the intercom.<br /> "But God..."<br /> "That's it!" <br /> Back in the throne room Gabriel was busy trying to work out the logistics of it all. "We've got to get you born, first of all. Now you had one of your prophets tell people the Messiah would be born of a virgin..."<br /> "Got just the girl," said God.<br /> "Let me guess," said Gabriel. "Salome, the daughter of King Herod."<br /> "She's NOT a virgin!" said God.<br /> "Oh."<br /> "Besides –I've got a girl from Nazareth called Mary...."<br /> "She's not a virgin either," said Gabriel.<br /> "She was raped," said God angrily. "By a Roman soldier. As far as I'm concerned, she's a virgin."<br /> "Gimme a break, God. I'm not stupid, y'know."<br /> "You're not stupid, but you haven't really paid attention to the prophets, Gabriel. The Messiah will be "despised and rejected, a child of sorrow and aquatinted with grief." Who could be more despised and rejected in Jewish society than the bastard child of a Roman solider.<br /> "You are right of course, God," Gabriel groveled. "But she is still not a virgin."<br /> "Oh?" said God. "A child, just barley a woman, brutally raped on her way home one night, has committed no sin. She is a victim of sin. But she is ready to bear and love that child, and as far as I'm concerned, she is a virgin, and henceforth, all nations shall call her blessed."<br /> "But you always seem to go to the dregs of society for your leaders, God. Why?"<br /> "Why? Why Gabriel? Because my name is Love. And when someone is hurt, I can't help but love them just a little more. That's why I chose the Hebrews–such a poor, pathetic little tribe. That's why I chose Sarah, such a sad old woman who laughed when I announced her pregnancy. That's why I chose Jacob who was dishonest and all thumbs, and why I gave him Rachel so he could make something out of himself. That's why I chose Ruth, a starving widow and David, a shepherd from the boondocks."<br /> "Yeah," said Gabriel. "Youngest sons and women. The ones voted least likely to succeed. It's no wonder most of the world has never heard of you. You know how to pick the winners, that's for sure."<br /> God sighed. "Go tell her Gabe. Tell that poor frightened girl, she's going to have a baby. Me."<br /> –-<br /> It was years later. Gabriel was busy minding the shop while God was off being a human. Gabriel's biggest problem was trying to explain things to all the cherubim and seraphim that kept pestering him with questions.<br /> And Gabe wasn't doing very well.<br /> "I guess God's really taking it seriously, this business of being human. Seems to me the Messiah could have reserved a few divine privileges. That stable was a mess. You couldn't believe the smell. And the cockroaches. But then I guess God created the cockroaches too, though I'll never know why."<br /> Then Gabriel tried to force a little optimism. After all, when you're in PR the name of the game is optimism.<br /> "But I think God's going to do it right this time. There's a plan for a big ride into Jerusalem...people waving and shouting, all that sort of thing. I've got Judas all geared up to really challenge God to do it up brown. 'Be the Messiah and take charge', Judas is going to tell God. 'Show them who's boss'. Judas can pull it off.<br /> "Gabriel, sir." It was one of the cherubim. "I was just down there flying around a little. And I was wondering....for the parade into Jerusalem...why did they choose a donkey?"<br /> "A donkey! For Pete's sake. God..." and Gabriel stopped just short of blasphemy. "So what's wrong with a horse? That would have been impressive. Conquerors and kings ride on horses."<br /> "Maybe God doesn't want to be a conqueror," said the cherubim.<br /> "Of course God is the conqueror!" Gabriel was shouting now. "How else do you take charge of the world? Being sweet and nice is fine for openers, but if you want to be God of Gods and Lord of Lords...if you want to be the Messiah... you've got to show some muscle. A donkey..." <br /> –-<br /> It was just a week later. Gabriel was sitting in his office nursing a very large, very dry martini. There was a tiny knock at the door.<br /> "What?" shouted Gabriel.<br /> "Pardon me, sir," said the cherubim. "But I thought I should come and tell you."<br /> "What's to tell. They made God the laughing stock. Crucified him like a crook out on the garbage dump. All we got was a few pious niceties from the cross. 'It is finished'. How's THAT for an exit line? 'It is finished. I'm finished.'"<br /> "But God isn't."<br /> "Isn't what?"<br /> "Finished. The women went to the tomb. The body wasn't there. And then God appeared to the women and the other disciples. God is alive!"<br /> "Great! Marvelous! I love it! Hey, I knew the boss had some tricks up that old sleeve. How about that? Now God is going to ride right back through town and show those Romans which end is up. How about that?"<br /> "Are you sure?"<br /> "What do you mean? Of course I'm sure. I'm the Archangel Gabriel, ain't I?"<br /> "Well," said the cherubim. "God doesn't seem to be doing that. God doesn't seem to be meeting with anyone except the disciples."<br /> "The disciples? That bunch of wimps? What for? A bunch of nerds who can't walk and chew gum. Damn! Why is it, that an all-powerful God never uses that power. When you're holding four aces, why not play them?<br /> "You'd think, from the way God is acting, that it's better to be weak. That losers win.<br /> "I never thought I'd say it, but God, the Lord Yahweh, Creator of Heaven and Earth, couldn't make it as a human. <br /> “God! This time you blew it!"<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Linda Paddon writes: “A typo in our order of service one Sunday changed our daughter Holly to Holy!”<br /> Well Linda, I’m sure your daughter is.<br /><br />Jessica Cottrell of Englehart, Ontario says she “went to announce the next hymn and saw it printed as ‘What a Fiend We Have in Jesus’."<br />WWJD? I bet he'd use his turn signal!<br /> seen on a bumper sticker via Evelyn McLachlan<br /><br />“…a really neat idea just pooped into my head.”<br /> seen on a newsletter<br /><br />If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<br /><br />Wish I’d Said That! – If my memory was any shorter, I’d be going back in time!<br /> Pat Jones<br /><br />You can't have a better tomorrow if you're thinking about yesterday.<br /> Charles Kettering via Pat Jones<br /><br />It is never too late to give up our prejudices.<br /> Henry David Thoreau via Mary “in lovely sunny Oman”<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />We Get Letters – Thanks to the many who wrote in response to our presumptive foray into lectionary improvement. There were many, many enthusiastic positive responses. But also a healthy number of thoughtful letters from those who feel we may be missing something important.<br /> I don’t want to get into a debate on this topic, so let this one letter from Jim Lawton stand for those who made a strong and useful case for seeing the strength and necessity in the lectionary as it is.<br /> “It may be presumptuous to think we don't need to hear about (and prepare to prepare!) preparing to welcome Jesus into our lives/world/church. I see too much of this Gospel-by-marketing-priorities here in the states. It IS a sellout, though. I think is an indication of how our western culture has sold out and simply doesn't have the patience to deal with expectation and looking ahead, and how we can't “get" the Jewish view-take on life. I will be trying to get "the people" to remember the anguishing joy of all the expectations we had leading up to Christmas.”<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Déjà Moo!”) These from Marilyn MacDonald. Some of them have been around before but I laughed all over again so I’m including them. A few are new. At least to me.<br />* Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.<br />* A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'<br />* Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.<br />* A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'<br />* Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.<br />* An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.<br />* Déjà Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.<br />* I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.<br />* I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.<br />* What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.<br />* A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.<br />* There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bottom of the Barrel – This from Marilyn MacDonald, by way of Carl Chamberlain on “e-talk.” The pastor visited a man in the hospital. The parishioner had been told they did not know what was wrong with him, but it seemed he was 'going downhill' very quickly.<br /> The patient asked the pastor to pray for him, with the statement, 'If I get better, I will give $10,000. to the building fund of the church.<br /> The pastor relayed this information to the chair of the Building Committee.<br /> When the man did actually get better, and had arrived home, there was no mention of the pledge, so the pastor decided to remind him of his promise.<br /> The response was, 'Pastor, did I actually say that?'<br /> ' Yes, you did.'<br /> 'Well,' said the man, 'that just goes to show you how really sick I was, doesn't it!'<br /> <br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Special Bulletin (sent to the entire Rumors list last Tuesday)<br />for those Rumors readers who are preparing worship services during the four Sundays of Advent.<br /> We (Jim Taylor and I) plan to abandon the lectionary for this season. Yes, we know that’s both presumptuous and heretical. Also a little arrogant.<br /> But here’s why.<br /> It’s more important for people to hear the Christmas story than it is to be faithful to the lectionary. The Revised Common Lectionary is a useful tool and we will return to it. But in the Advent season it fails us.<br /> In the churches Jim and I know anything about, attendance peaks during the four Sundays of Advent. That’s when the “almost committed” are there. This is our evangelistic opportunity. This is our one chance to talk to them about the one Christian story they know best. For many, the only Christian story they know.<br /> Yes, the faithful core of worshippers will be there after Christmas, but even they don’t really understand why they shouldn’t sing carols and hear the Christmas story during what they think of as “the Christmas season.”<br /> If people don’t hear the Christmas story in church, they will hear it only as told by Wal Mart and on TV. Reminds me of the couple who noticed a manger scene on the lawn of a church. “Look at that,” said one to the other. “Now even the churches are trying to horn-in on Christmas!”<br /> So here’s a bit of advance notice about the readings we’ll be featuring during the four Sunday in Advent. In the “Reader’s Theatre” we will be using both the readings from Isaiah and from Luke.<br />Advent one:<br /> Isaiah 7:14-16 “a young woman is with child and shall bear a son. . .”<br /> Luke 1:26-38 “the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a town in Galilee . . .”<br />Advent two:<br /> Isaiah 11:1-9 “A shoot shall come out from the stump of Jesse. . .”<br /> Luke 1:39-45, 56 “Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the child leaped in her womb”<br /> Luke 1:46-55 “My soul magnifies the Lord . . .” can be used in place of the psalm or included in the gospel reading.<br />Advent three:<br /> Isaiah 9:6-7 “For a child has been born to us. . .”<br /> Luke 2:1-7 “she gave birth to her first-born son. . .”<br />Advent four:<br /> Isaiah 52:7-10 “how beautiful upon the mountains are the feet. . .”<br /> You may decide to do Luke 2:1-7 again on this Sunday and then add. . .<br /> Luke 2:8-21 “there were shepherds living in the fields. . .”<br /><br />We hope this advance notice has been useful to you.<br />Ralph Milton<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Isaiah 7:14-16 and Luke 1:26-38<br />Note: It would be good if reader 1 could be female, since number 1 has the role of Mary in the second reading.<br /><br />Reader 1: Well, the time really gallops, doesn’t it? Here it is, the First Sunday in the season of Advent.<br />Reader 2: So what’s with this Advent business? I thought this was the Christmas season.<br />1: It’s about getting ready. Getting prepared. So that when Christmas Day arrives, you’ll really know what it’s about.<br />2: I know. It’s about gifts. Getting your Christmas wish list. Going on a shopping binge. Do you know what I want this Christmas?<br />1: No, and please don’t tell me. It’s about gifts, all right, but not that kind of thing. It’s about God giving us the greatest gift imaginable. It’s about God giving us God.<br />2: What?<br />1: God giving us God!<br />2: I still don’t get it. I mean if God is everywhere, and God made everything there is, and if everything belongs to God including me and you, then how can God give us God?<br />1: Isn’t it wonderful? It’s a mystery that you can’t get your head around and neither can I. And neither could those first Christians. They believed so deeply – so powerfully that it almost hurt inside. They believed that in some mysterious way, this man named Jesus whom they had seen and heard and eaten with, was actually God.<br />2: Is that why they started digging around in the writings of the ancient prophets, thinking that maybe those ancient people knew what was coming?<br />1: Exactly. And that’s our first reading. It’s from the prophet Isaiah. Chapter 7.<br />SLIGHT PAUSE<br />2: God will give you a sign.<br />1: Look, the young woman is with child and shall bear a son, and shall name him Immanuel, which means, “God is with us.” This son shall eat curds and honey by the time he knows how to refuse the evil and choose the good. Because, before the child knows how to refuse the evil and choose the good, the land before whose two kings you are in dread will be deserted.”<br />SLIGHT PAUSE<br />2: Isaiah was talking about the political situation in his own time – long before the time of Jesus.<br />1: But I guess the folks in the early Christian church looked for everything they could find to support their gut-level belief that Jesus had been God. Maybe they picked up on that name. Immanuel. God is with us. Because when Luke sat down to write his account of how Jesus was born, the early Christians had already developed a legend out of this passage.<br />2: But isn’t it a bit strange? I mean there’s poor Mary, she’s not married or anything, and suddenly an angel comes and tells her that God will make her pregnant. And she says, “OK. Sure. Whatever.”<br />1: That is not what she says. But this mysterious scene that Luke describes is the early church’s way of saying this man Jesus was more than just exceptional. This man Jesus was God.<br />2: OK. Let’s read!<br />SLIGHT PAUSE<br />1) In the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a town in Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin engaged to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. The virgin's name was Mary. Gabriel came and spoke to her.<br />2: "Greetings, favored one! The Lord is with you."<br />1:But Mary was much perplexed by the angel’s words and pondered what sort of greeting this might be.<br />2: "Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And now, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you will name him Jesus. He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Most High, and the Lord God will give to him the throne of his ancestor David. This child will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end."<br />1: "How can this be, since I am a virgin?"<br />2: "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the child to be born will be holy; he will be called Son of God. And here’s something to help you believe. Your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son; and this is the sixth month for her who was said to be barren. You see, nothing is impossible with God."<br />1: "Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word."<br />2: Then the angel departed from her.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don't put anything else in that e-mail<br />To Unsubscribe:<br />* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.<br />Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-52048304811953013852009-11-17T12:50:00.000-08:002009-11-17T12:51:30.370-08:00Bulletin for those preparing for Advent 2009Special Bulletin:<br />for those Rumors readers who are preparing worship services during the four Sundays of Advent.<br /> We (Jim Taylor and I) plan to abandon the lectionary for this season. Yes, we know that’s both presumptuous and heretical. Also a little arrogant.<br /> But here’s why.<br /> It’s more important for people to hear the Christmas story than it is to be faithful to the lectionary. The Revised Common Lectionary is a useful tool and we will return to it. But in the Advent season it fails us.<br /> In the churches Jim and I know anything about, attendance peaks during the four Sundays of Advent. That’s when the “almost committed” are there. This is our evangelistic opportunity. This is our one chance to talk to them about the one Christian story they know best. For many, the only Christian story they know.<br /> Yes, the faithful core of worshippers will be there after Christmas, but even they don’t really understand why they shouldn’t sing carols and hear the Christmas story during what they think of as “the Christmas season.”<br /> If people don’t hear the Christmas story in church, they will hear it only as told by Wal Mart and on TV. Reminds me of the couple who noticed a manger scene on the lawn of a church. “Look at that,” said one to the other. “Now even the churches are trying to horn-in on Christmas!”<br /> So here’s a bit of advance notice about the readings we’ll be featuring during the four Sunday in Advent. In the “Reader’s Theatre” we will be using both the readings from Isaiah and from Luke.<br />Advent one:<br /> Isaiah 7:14-16 “a young woman is with child and shall bear a son. . .”<br /> Luke 1:26-38 “the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a town in Galilee . . .”<br />Advent two:<br /> Isaiah 11:1-9 “A shoot shall come out from the stump of Jesse. . .”<br /> Luke 1:39-45, 56 “Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the child leaped in her womb”<br /> Luke 1:46-55 “My soul magnifies the Lord . . .” can be used in place of the psalm or included in the gospel reading.<br />Advent three:<br /> Isaiah 9:6-7 “For a child has been born to us. . .”<br /> Luke 2:1-7 “she gave birth to her first-born son. . .”<br />Advent four:<br /> Isaiah 52:7-10 “how beautiful upon the mountains are the feet. . .”<br /> You may decide to do Luke 2:1-7 again on this Sunday and then add. . .<br /> Luke 2:8-21 “there were shepherds living in the fields. . .”<br /><br />We hope this advance notice has been useful to you.<br />Ralph MiltonRalph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-41769203780797149542009-11-12T16:50:00.000-08:002009-11-12T16:51:46.733-08:00Preaching Materials for November 22nd, 2009R U M O R S #576<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2009-11-15<br /><br />November 15, 2009<br /><br />WHAT KIND OF A KING?<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Motto:<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. <a href="http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/">http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/</a><br /> I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.<br /> Thanks.<br /><br />*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />The Story – a different kind of king<br />Rumors – they might have seen themselves as brothers<br />Soft Edges – while women weep<br />Bloopers – stiff opposition<br />We Get Letters – fingers connected to the brain<br />Mirabile Dictu! – save the whales<br />Bottom of the Barrel – having a wife<br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=230#gospel_reading">John 18:33-3</a>8a<br />Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rib Tickler – At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. The children in the Kindergarten class seemed to be very intense as they drew a picture of how Eve was created.<br /> Later in the week the mother of one of the kindergarten boys noticed him lying down as though he were ill.<br /> “I have a pain in my side,” said the boy. “I think I’m going to have a wife.”<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, November 22nd, which is Reign of Christ Sunday, or Proper 29 (34). That’s the last Sunday of the Christian Year. The following Sunday is Advent 1. Fa la la la la, etc.<br />* <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=230#hebrew_reading">2 Samuel 23:1-7</a> or <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=230#hebrew_oth_reading">Daniel 7:9-10, 13-14</a><br />* <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=230#psalm_reading">Psalm 132:1-12, (13-18)</a> or <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=230#psalm_oth_reading">Psalm 93</a><br />* <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=230#epistle_reading">Revelation 1:4b-8</a><br />* <a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=230#gospel_reading">John 18:33-37</a><br /><br />2 Samuel 23:1-7 – “Famous last words” – a phrase that has entered our culture. I recall being in a guided meditation once, where the leader asked us to imagine that we were on our death bed with the most important people in our lives gathered around us. And we were to imagine what we would say to each of them. I remember thinking that I had the same words for all of them, namely, “I love you,” and “Live God’s dream for you.”<br /> I can’t quite imagine David saying the carefully honed last words we read in this passage, but maybe he did. I’ve been at a number of dying bedsides, and in none of them has the dying person been in a position to say anything. Maybe we need to say our famous last words well before we’re on our death beds.<br /> Maybe right now.<br /><br /><a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=230#psalm_reading">Psalm 132:1-12, (13-18)</a><br />Jim has paraphrased verses 11-18<br />11 When God makes a promise,<br /> God does not break it.<br /> So God said: "I have chosen to live with you.<br /> I will live with your children, too.<br />12 If they continue faithful,<br /> If they abide by our agreement,<br /> Then their children too,<br /> and their children's children,<br /> will continue to enjoy my company forever."<br />13 God made a choice;<br /> God wanted to be part of this people, this planet.<br />14 God said, "This is my home.<br /> This is where I want to be life itself.<br />15 As long as I live here,<br /> life on earth will be rich and abundant.<br />16 Those who do not vandalize my artistry,<br /> all living things remain true to my vision,<br /> I will be with, as close as their clothing.<br />17 I will not look to outsiders to solve the earth's problems;<br /> The tree of life has its roots right here.<br />18 Those who conspire against life, I will ultimately destroy;<br /> But those who choose life will shine like the sun."<br /> From: Everyday Psalms<br /> Wood Lake Publications.<br /> For details, go to <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a><br /><br /><a href="http://lectionary.library.vanderbilt.edu/texts.php?id=230#epistle_reading">Revelation 1:4b-8</a> – I really don’t know what to do with a passage like this. It is wild and mystical, and might begin to offer its gift to me if I read it repeatedly during an hour or two of meditation. Otherwise, I would leave it alone. I certainly wouldn’t read it to a congregation in church.<br /><br />The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – John 18:33-37 plus my addition of 38 a.<br />Ralph says –<br />Most good pew sitters have no idea who Pilate is. Nor do they have in their heads the incidents that lead up to this scene. I’ve written the Readers Theatre with that in mind.<br /> I’ve added the first half of verse 38, which adds the question that reverberates through our world. “What is truth?” I can’t imagine why that was left out of this reading, unless the lectionary makers were thinking, “That opens another can of worms.” Which is true. But it’s a can of worms we dare not run away from.<br /> That can of worms is the heart of this confrontation between Jesus, the penniless, wandering, story-telling, imaginative Jew, and Pilate, the hard-nosed, logical, practical, no-nonsense Roman functionary.<br /> If you ask, who is right, Pilate or Jesus, I’d have to say, both of them.<br /> If you ask, who is wrong, my answer would be the same. Both of them.<br /> This utterly amazing creation that God has fashioned, the human, can think on both the logical and the poetic plane. And the truly healthy human can do both as the need arises – often at the same time.<br /> This last summer, a scientific neurologist used the finest technology available to discover what was happening inside my brain. That same scientist is also a caring, loving human who knew why it was so important to do that, and understood what it meant in my life.<br /><br />Jim says –<br /> We just had royalty visiting Canada – Prince Charles, heir to the British throne, with his wife Camilla. Pontius Pilate would have freaked out. Herod would have been appalled. There were no burly bodyguards, no mounted storm troopers, not a handgun in sight.<br /> Kings are supposed to live in impregnable fortresses. To send out heavily armed platoons to impose their will on an unwilling populace. Not to glad-hand adoring fans like a politician at a barbecue.<br /> This is “Reign of Christ” Sunday – “Christ the King” Sunday in more traditional terms. But the people who wrote the Bible wouldn’t recognize today’s kings. What good is a king, Pilate would have asked, who owns no land, who can’t raise an army to defend himself, who doesn’t extort taxes, who refuses to force people to do things his way...<br /> “My kingdom is not of this world,” Jesus replied.<br /> Tragically, 20 centuries later, we still tend to think of Jesus’ reign in biblical terms. “When Christ returns,” insisted a man in one of my Bible study groups, “he will use his power to destroy evil.”<br /> But that wasn’t what Jesus said: “I came into the world to testify to the truth...”<br /> It’s a hard lesson for us to learn. We’re not called to sit beside the throne, dispensing orders and issuing commands from on high. We’re called to tell the truth, and to be the truth.<br /> A kin-dom where truth reigns paramount still escapes our comprehension.<br /><br />For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 229 where you’ll find a story based on the Revelation passage. It’s called, “John’s Wonderful Dream.” It’s really based more on the whole book of Revelation than this particular passage.<br /> There’s still time to get this three-volume set for your favourite clergy person (including yourself if that applies) or your favourite Christian Education leader.<br /> Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a>, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”<br /> <a href="http://tinyurl.com/2lonod">http://tinyurl.com/2lonod</a><br /> Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rumors – The story of Pontius Pilate…<br />As told by his wife, Claudia.<br />"...they might have seen themselves as brothers."<br /><br /> I wonder sometimes, if they might have been friends. If they had met in some other circumstances, I think my husband and Jesus might have liked each other.<br /> They were about the same age. Both of them passionate, committed, opinionated. Bullheaded sometimes. And intelligent too, I think. Except they thought so differently.<br /> Jesus was a Jew. Pilate was a Roman. And Pilate never understood the Jews, and that drove him almost to distraction. "You can't get a clear answer out of them about anything," he would fume. "Ask them a straight, logical question and they tell you a story, for gawd sake!"<br /> Pilate wanted so badly to make a success of governing the Judeans. He knew perfectly well he would never have gotten the appointment as Governor if he hadn't been married to me, granddaughter of the Emperor Augustus. And even so, Judea wasn't exactly a plum of an appointment, insofar as these diplomatic posts go. But Pilate hoped that if he did this well, his next appointment would be to something he and I would both be proud of. Something a little closer to Rome, we hoped.<br /> But things got off to a bad start as soon as we arrived in Judea. Pilate had a showdown with the Jewish leaders over whether Caesar's image could be displayed in the temple area. It was a dumb thing to fight about and Pilate knew it. "But I've got to show them I am strong and resolute, Claudia, "he said to me. "If I show just a hint of weakness, if I back down even an inch, that snake of a high priest, Caiaphas, will take every slight advantage that I give him."<br /> The showdown came when 7,000 Jewish men kneeled down in the market place, bared their necks, and dared Pilate to massacre them. Pilot folded. I don't think he ever really recovered.<br /> Judea was a 'no-win' situation for him. The bureaucrats in Rome just read the bottom line. Did he collect his quota in taxes? Did he avoid any embarrassments? If the answer was "yes" to those questions, you stayed on and maybe eventually got promoted to a better posting. If "no" you were recalled to Rome and sent to shuffle papers in an office somewhere. But Judea was so much more complicated than that.<br /> Pilate tried. My gawd he tried. He read that blessed policy manual every night and memorized every procedure. But of course the manual procedures never fit reality. "Who wrote this stuff anyway," he fumed. "I bet they've never been outside of Rome. They sure as hell have never been out here in Judea." And then he would throw the scroll in the corner and read the philosophy he loved so well–philosophy that seemed so clean and rational to him, and so unlike reality around him in Judea.<br /> And then the Jesus business broke. It was a recipe for disaster. Pilate couldn't win this one and I knew it. I even had dreams about it. "Get this man Jesus out of your life, Pilate," I said. "no matter what you do, you'll lose,"<br /> "I'll do what's appropriate and necessary, Claudia," Pilate said in his official voice, which meant that he was frightened. "I will interview the prisoner and judge him according to our Roman justice. He will be treated fairly."<br /> "I know that Pilate, but that's not the game here."<br /> "I'll decide what the game is, Claudia!" he said. And there the conversation ended.<br /> They brought the prisoner up to the Prætorium. Pilate met them outside, a gesture of good will, so the Judean leaders wouldn't need to contaminate themselves, or whatever terrible thing is supposed to happen when they set foot inside a Roman building. He interviewed Jesus there in front of them.<br /> "Look," he finally said. "the guy is just a little crazy, and yes, a bit of a trouble-maker. But he hasn't done anything to deserve execution. I mean, I can't have him killed just because you people don't like him. What I'll do is have him flogged. That'll straighten him out."<br /> Well, you should have heard the hullabaloo. "We want him dead!" they yelled. "We want him crucified!"<br /> Listen. Pilate has integrity. He's shown that before and he showed it now. He wasn't about to execute a man unless a crime had been committed, and blasphemy against the Hebrew God was no crime in Roman eyes. But Pilate was no fool either. He knew that Caiaphas had his ways of getting messages to Rome.<br /> What followed was a mish-mash of political maneuvering and charges and counter charges. I don't quite know what happened. I was in bed for most of it, fighting off a migraine.<br /> But I'll not soon forget what happened when Pilate dragged this Jesus up into our quarters so he could talk with him, away from all the yelling and screaming outside. That was when it struck me how alike they were, and yet how different. Two men of talent and integrity speaking to each across such vastly different realities.<br /> In spite of all the pressure, Pilate still wanted to do the right thing. "Look," he said to Jesus. "Give me a reason, give me something that'll satisfy that mob–something I can put in my report to Rome so I don't have to have you killed." Jesus looked right back at Pilate–looked at–through him. But he said nothing.<br /> Pilate lost his cool. "Look, I have the power of life and death over you. I can send you out to be torn apart by that mob, or I can save your hide."<br /> "You have no real power over me," said Jesus. "No power that really counts. You and I are caught in this evil drama. You have your role to play and I have mine.<br /> "All right," said Pilate. "What is your role except to satisfy the blood-lust of that mob?"<br /> "I am called to live the truth," said Jesus.<br /> "What is truth?" Pilate asked quietly, almost cynically. Jesus looked at him intently. And yes, compassionately. But he said nothing.<br /> "Look, I asked you a question. What is truth?" Pilate lost his cool again. He paced around the room and banged his fist against the wall. But both men knew, I think, that Jesus could not reply in any way that Pilate could comprehend. Nor would Jesus have understood had Pilate defined truth for him.<br /> The conversation stopped. There was nothing else to say. Jesus would die. And Pilate knew he'd spend the rest of his life rehearsing that conversation. "Why couldn't he just explain to me, logically and rationally what he was up to?" Pilate asked that question over and over. "Those Jews. You ask them a question, and they sing you a song or tell you a story."<br /> I too have rehearsed that conversation. I am back in Rome now, by myself. Pilate has been banished from the capitol, not because of what he did to Jesus but another diplomatic fiasco in Judea. Pilate did not understand the Jews.<br /> And yet I wonder. If Pilate and this Jesus had met some other way, perhaps they would have learned to like each other – if they had a chance to really talk, without the pressure. Pilate, the logical philosopher might have discovered the poetic dreamer deep inside himself. And Jesus the poetic dreamer, might have shown to Pilate the philosophy on which his dream was built.<br /> There would have been respect at least. And just perhaps they might have seen themselves as brothers.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor<br />While Women Weep<br /> I watched another coffin coming back from Afghanistan. Cameras showed grim-faced soldiers carrying the coffin in a slow march. The soldier’s widow, dressed in black, walked behind, weeping.<br /> Eight years ago, for Remembrance Day 2001, I wrote a column that bears repeating. Here it is:<br /><br /> Remembrance Day began to honor those who died in World War I – which officially ended, as speakers love to remind us, on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month. Remembrance Day has since been expanded to include the dead of World War II, the Korean War, the Vietnam War, two Gulf Wars...<br /> And here we are in the middle of another war, launched on another eleventh – the eleventh of September, exactly two months before Remembrance Day – when two airliners smashed into the twin towers of the World Trade Center in New York.<br /> Television showed us pictures, endlessly, of what happens when a plane crashes into a building. The mushroom of fire. The smoke. The collapse. The dust. People screaming, running...<br /> And pictures of women weeping.<br /> I can't help noticing that the 19 suicidal fanatics who hijacked and crashed those planes were all men. That all of the people who stood at microphones to make official statements were men.<br /> While the women wept.<br /> I don't know what proportion of the pilots who have dropped bombs and fired missiles at targets in Afghanistan were men. Or what proportion of the special combat troops now fighting on the ground in Afghanistan are men.<br /> But I can see that those who issued the commands were all men. Some stand in front of the cameras wearing dark suits, white shirts, shiny neckties. Others wear uniforms, either combat camouflage or full-dress with rows of ribbons prominently displayed.<br /> For sure the leaders of the Taliban, and of the Al-Qaida network, are all men, because in their minds women do not exist. Women have no rights – to education, to freedom, and certainly not to express their opinions or vote. In their scheme of things, women matter only as the property of men.<br /> But in the squalid refugee camps, without food or water or sanitation, the women huddle under makeshift tents and try to comfort children with runny noses and bleary eyes. And women scavenge for twigs to burn, and scraps to eat.<br /> And the women weep.<br /> I can't help remembering that it was men who conspired to arrest Jesus. Men tried him, beat him, and drove nails through his wrists. Men guarded him as he died.<br /> While the women stood watching, and weeping. Those same women went to the tomb that Easter morning to provide one last act of love for their vanished friend. And they stood at the tomb and wept.<br /> Men are afraid of weeping. We stifle our tears. We toughen ourselves. We refuse to let soft-heartedness get in the way of getting things done.<br /> Things like going to war.<br /> Perhaps our world might be a little less ruthless if we got fewer things done. And if we did a little more weeping over fractured relationships<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Randy (he didn’t give his last name) of Hiawatha, Kansas writes: “The children here are learning a new song for Advent. <br /> One young mother called the church to verify the words her daughter was reciting. ‘Get ready. Get ready. Xavier is coming’.”<br /><br />Lois Carey of North Bay, Ontario writes: “The local paper yesterday was advertising church teas. One item stated, about a local United Church, that the Untied Church Women would be having a bazaar and tea.<br /><br />This from Velia Watts of Edmonton, Alberta who got it from Michael Kerr. It was a newspaper headline.<br /> “Stiff Opposition Expected in Casket-less Funeral Plan”<br /><br />If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<br /><br />Wish I’d Said That! – Honk if you love Jesus. “Text” while driving if you’d like to meet him soon.<br /> from a bumper sticker via M & B Zettler<br /><br />Personally, I think humans are not intelligent enough to define intelligence.<br /> Laurel Hyatt via Jim Taylor<br /><br />It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.<br /> Voltaire<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />We Get Letters – I know I should try harder to get it all right, but it’s such a bore and I would rather spend my time doing almost anything rather than checking all my facts. But it seems that last week I had “Capitol Hill” referring to Ottawa rather than Washington. I am trying really hard to feel repentant.<br /> In another place, I used the word “tract” when I obviously meant “track.” My fingers are only partially connected to my brain and they have a way of typing things I don’t really intend.<br /><br />Bob Buchanan writes: “Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person.<br /> "However, if you're over 65," he said, "the price will be only $5.50."<br /> From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only fifty cents?"<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “save the whales!”)<br />These Biblical bumper stickers from Evelyn McLachlan.<br />* Jonah: Save the Whales<br />* The Israelites: Honk If You Love Moses<br />* Elijah: My Other Chariot Rolls<br />* Goliath: Support the Ban on Slingshots<br />* Lot: If You Can’t See Sodom, You’re Too Close<br />* Methuselah: Be Kind to Senior Citizens<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bottom of the Barrel – David Evans of The Glades, New Brunswick sends along a story that has one of those endings you can change and apply to your own situation. David’s version applies to the National Hockey League. If you’re Canadian, you could apply it to the Grey Cup that will be played before a batch of frozen fans well protected by their favorite anti-freeze in Calgary.<br /><br />A man is met at the pearly gates by St Peter and told he has a choice to make. He is one of the rare individuals who can choose, after death, whether he will go to heaven or hell.<br /> He is told to go check the other place out. Over against the wall is an elevator with only two buttons. Push the down button and upon arrival the door would automatically open and he could observe the life style in hell. <br /> He was cautioned however not to exit the elevator for if he did he would be unable to return.<br /> The man entered the elevator, pushed the down button and shortly the doors opened. He looked around in amazement at what greeted his eyes and, strictly following instructions stayed in the elevator. Shortly he pushed the up button and returned to speak to St. Peter.<br /> “Well what did you think?”<br /> “It’s not what I expected,” the man answered.<br /> “What did you expect?”<br /> Well I sort of expected fire and brimstone, wailing and gnashing of teeth, a lake of fire, stuff like that.”<br /> “Of course.” said St. Peter, “What did you see?”<br /> “I saw snow. I saw ice. I saw a blizzard like I have never seen before, and I’m from the east coast, I know blizzards!”<br /> “Oh darn!” said Peter. “The Leafs are going to win the Stanley Cup!!”<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – <a name="hebrew_reading"></a><a name="gospel_reading"></a>John 18:33-37 +38a<br />Reader 1: In our reading this week, we have a kind of dialogue between Jesus and somebody named Pilate. But who is this Pilate? I’ve never heard of him before. How does he fit into the story?<br />Reader 2: Today’s reading would fit more easily just before Easter. The lectionary puts it here because today is “Christ the King” Sunday.<br />1: (SARCASTIALLY) Oh, Jesus is the King, the way they talk about Elvis Presley or Michael Jackson being “the king.”<br />2: I know you’re joking, but it’s really not that far off. Presley and Jackson fans mean that these musicians were absolutely the best musicians ever. It has nothing to do with crowns and thrones and being boss of the whole country. It means they are devoted fans. When we talk about Christ as the King, it’s a little like that. It means we are Christ’s devoted followers and we are ready to do what he calls us to do, because we love him. Not because he can chop off our heads.<br />1: OK, but I asked you who this Pilate character is. Does he fly an airplane?<br />2: Oh, cumon! It’s Pi-LATE, not Pi-LOT.<br />1: But who was he?<br />2: It happens just before Jesus is crucified. Jesus has managed to get himself in trouble with the authorities in the Hebrew Temple, and he has been saying things about the Romans rulers – the military people who had conquered the country and were ruling it. Some of his teachings amounted to the crime of sedition – of trying to undermine Roman authority.<br />1: Such as?<br />2: Saying that he was chosen by God to bring the people freedom and fulfillment.<br />Anyway, the temple authorities arrested Jesus in the middle of the night and dragged him to Pilate’s place. Pilate was the governor appointed by Caesar in Rome. The Temple leaders didn’t have the authority to sentence someone to death, but Pilate did.<br />1: Finally, we find out who he is. It took you long enough.<br />2: But we haven’t quite got to the setting for our reading. The temple authorities drag Jesus in front of Pilate and accuse him of sedition. They want Pilate to have him killed. But Pilate isn’t quite satisfied by what the Temple authorities say, so he takes Jesus inside so he can have a one-on-one conversation with him.<br />1: Was there someone keeping a record of what was said? I mean, how did the writer of John know what went on behind closed doors.<br />2: He didn’t know. This whole story is written years later, and this is the dialogue the writer of John imagines went on in Pilate’s office.<br />1: So then. Let’s read the scripture. From the gospel of John, chapter 18.<br />(SLIGHT PAUSE)<br />Then Pilate entered his headquarters, summoned Jesus, and asked him, "Are you the King of the Jews?"2: "Do you ask this on your own, or did others tell you about me?"1: (SLGHTLY ANNOYED) "I am not a Jew, am I? Your own nation and the chief priests have handed you over to me. What have you done?"2: "My kingdom is not from this world. If my kingdom were from this world, my followers would be fighting to keep me from being handed over to the Jews. But as it is, my kingdom is not from here."1:"So you are a king?"<br />2: "YOU say that I am a king. For this I was born, and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth. Everyone who belongs to the truth listens to my voice."<br />1: (SLOWLY AND WITH DEEP PASSION) "What is truth?<br />(STAY IN YOUR PLACE FOR A FEW MOMENTS TO LET THAT QUESTION SINK IN, THEN RETURN TO YOUR SEATS.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don't put anything else in that e-mail<br />To Unsubscribe:<br />* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.<br />Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-49132110435805824222009-11-04T15:00:00.000-08:002009-11-04T15:01:06.251-08:00Preaching Materials for November 15, 2009R U M O R S # 575<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2009-11-08<br /><br />November 11, 2009<br /><br />THE CALL OF SAMUEL<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Motto:<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. <a href="http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/">http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/</a><br /> I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.<br /> Thanks.<br /><br />*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />The Story – a fractured story<br />Rumors – scriptural illiteracy<br />Soft Edges –<br />Good Stuff – the difference between heaven and hell<br />Bloopers – when God is scared<br />We Get Letters – an apology<br />Mirabile Dictu! – round is a shape<br />Bottom of the Barrel – the spirit is willing<br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – selected portions from 1 Samuel<br />Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rib Tickler – The garment buyer of a large department store was in Korea on a buying mission.<br /> All interested sellers and manufacturers had gathered and gave a banquet at which the buyer was the honored guest. He was asked to give a speech which, of course, had to be translated.<br /> In the course of the speech he told a long complicated funny story with some complex puns. After which he alone laughed and then he waited for the translation.<br /> The translator spoke two sentences and the audience erupted in gales of laughter with clapping, foot stomping, and even cheering.<br /> The buyer was gratified but puzzled. Finally, after a bit of arm twisting, someone told him what the translator had said. “Fat man with big chequebook told funny story. Do what you think appropriate.”<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, November 15th which is Proper 28 (33).<br />* 1 Samuel 1:4-20 or Daniel 12:1-3<br />* 1 Samuel 2:1-10 or Psalm 16<br />* Hebrews 10:11-14, (15-18), 19-25<br />* Mark 13:1-8<br /><br />The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – 1 Samuel 1:4-20. Plus 1 Samuel 3:1-18.<br />Ralph says –<br />Talk about disconnected lections! Our Hebrew scripture reading gives us the opening scene of the story of Hannah and Samuel. The tender little scene of Hannah bringing a robe to her child (1 Samuel 2:18-20) happens on Christmas, Year C. We hear the story of God calling the boy Samuel in the middle of the night (1 Samuel 3:1-10) on Proper 4, and it is scheduled for Epiphany 2 in year B, which is three years from now!<br /> It takes a lot of gall and a fair bit of arrogance, but we offer a fix.<br /> While doing a little channel surfing recently, I saw a sequence of four middle-aged faces, all of them saying they did not “feel fulfilled.”<br /> Until fairly recently in human history – and it’s still true in many places – a woman had only one significant role, and that was to provide children. Especially boy children. Along the way she usually had to work a grinding 18 hour day, but that was just a fringe benefit. They had no idea that sterility was usually a male problem. Think of Henry VIII.<br /> It’s almost heart-breaking to hear Hannah praying desperately to God for a son. Her husband, Elkanah, was a loving, understanding kind of guy, but Hannah had no standing in the community and the other wives teased her mercilessly. Her calling in life was to produce a boy baby.<br /> Hannah did produce the boy Samuel, and if we read the next part of the legend, we hear the evocative story of a child being called by God.<br /> The mythologist Joseph Campbell urged, “Follow your bliss.” That, he said, was a continuing theme in all world’s mythology. And it’s a recurring theme in the Bible.<br /> How do we hear God’s call? How do we follow? How do we find a sense of fulfillment?<br /><br />Jim says –<br /> Amazing – the two streams of the lectionary manage to give us two connected readings about the boy Samuel, his mother Hannah, and his mentor Eli. And yet it still manages to leave out half of the story!<br /> That wouldn’t be so bad if the lectionary at least picked up young Samuel’s encounter with God in the middle of the night for the following Sunday. But it doesn’t!<br /> Arrrrggggghhhhhh!<br /> Okay, I obviously want to tell this story. And equally obviously, I’m going to ignore the lectionary’s prescriptions.<br /> So I would tell the story of Hannah. I would read Hannah’s song, and point out that Mary’s Magnificat, in Luke, borrows heavily from Hannah.<br /> But then I would move the story to Hannah’s son, Samuel. I would talk about the pain she must have felt, giving up her firstborn, her only child, to the Temple. This was the first-fruits tradition, established from Mosaic times – the first, the best, was given to God; then you could keep some for yourself.<br /> But the core of the story is Samuel hearing his name in the middle of the night. A group of us older guys got together a couple of weeks ago. Almost all of us had heard our names called, when we were children. But we were told we were imagining things. We were told to go back to play.<br /> I would bet that a sizeable portion of every congregation has heard their name called. And been told it was a delusion. So I would explore the ways in which we adults destroy children’s spirituality by insisting that we know better than they do. I would wonder what might have happened if some of our elders had been as sensitive to God’s possibilities as old Eli was.<br /><br />1 Samuel 2:1-10 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor<br />1 I’m the queen of the castle, and you’re the dirty rascals!<br />2 At last things have gone right for me.And I owe it all to God.<br />3 You, bigmouth, button your lip! You make lots of noise, but so does a drum – because it’s empty inside.God sees your hollow core.<br />4 How much sound can you makewhen the rains come downand your taut skins sag like an old woman’s breasts?Even an old woman will be more vital than you!<br />5 Lots of things have happened while you were on coffee break:the blind see; the lame leap; the prisoners of their own bodies are set free!The fertile become sterile; but the barren bear new life!<br />6 Heaven and hell are overturned; even this is within God’s power.<br />7,8 The lost are remembered;the abandoned are brought back;they receive a respected place in society.<br />9 God’s faithful ones will warm their hands at God’s hearth,while the wicked wail in the darkness outside the door.They trusted in their own strength, instead of trusting God.<br />10 Once I was down, but now I am up.Once I groveled, but now I exult.For God sees through sham and deception;<br /> God recognizes true value.<br /> From: Everyday Psalms<br /> Wood Lake Publications.<br /> For details, go to <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a><br /><br />Hebrews 10:11-14, (15-18), 19-25 – “I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds (v 16).” That seems to be the core of this passage. And that seems to happen when we allow ourselves to soak – to marinate – in the stories, the songs, the ideas, the poems that are our Christian heritage, so that everything we do reflects the love of Christ.<br /> Of course, none of us does that perfectly. Some of us are so encrusted with market-place values that, at best, just a little of that Spirit gets in through the cracks. Then some serious cracking and peeling – some conscious recognition and conscious practice – is necessary to allow the gospel to soak into our psyche.<br /><br />Mark 13:1-8 – Jesus describes some cataclysmic events in this reading. And it is quite possible that Mark is looking back to the destruction of Jerusalem and the temple in 70 CE and telling us this is what Jesus foretold. It was cataclysmic and life-shattering for the Jews who were expelled by the Romans and found themselves scattered all over the known world.<br /> Many life events are like that. There are signs the marriage or the job is in trouble. Without an intervention, a break-up is certain. The pain will be great, but if there is to be a new beginning, the pain is necessary.<br /><br />The “Lectionary Story Bible” breaks up the story of Hannah, Samuel and Eli the way the lectionary does. The first installment, “Hannah Prays for a Baby,” is found in Year B page 226. The second part of the story is called, “God Calls Samuel,” and is on page 131, Year B.<br /> A story based on the gospel reading, “People Are More Important,” is found on page 228.<br /> There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible.” If you don’t have the full set, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a>, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”<br /> <a href="http://tinyurl.com/2lonod">http://tinyurl.com/2lonod</a><br /> Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rumors – If you subscribe to “Christian Century,” check out an article by Kristin Swenson who teaches religious studies at Virginia Commonwealth University. It’s called “Biblically Challenged,” and subtitled, “overcoming scriptural illiteracy.”<br /> If you don’t subscribe, you may have a friend who does. My friend is Doug Hodgkinson, to whom thanks for sending this on to me.<br /> Swenson begins with a sad litany of references to surveys of many kinds in various parts of the world showing how most people still have a KJV Bible on a shelf somewhere, but very, very few have the faintest idea what is in it.<br /> Unfortunately, that includes church people, including the ones who sit regularly in our pews. Every parish minister can name some exceptions, but they are exactly that. Exceptions.<br /> After a survey of many attempts to confront the problem in our churches, Swenson says that finally the various leaders tell us to “just tell the stories. Over time, people will learn such basics as who Sarah was and the difference between Gospels and epistles—not necessarily as discrete and disconnected facts but in the holistic context of engagement with the richly layered texts. "Told well and faithfully, the stories have such power," Adams-Riley says. "Trust the stories, trust the God who is in the stories." Share the texts and your own engagement with them, openly acknowledging how they resist tidy, once-and-for-all treatments.”<br /> I have to admit it feels good to have our instincts affirmed by a credentialed writer in a respected periodical. This won’t result in any significant changes in Rumors. Because the article tells me we’re on the right tract.<br /> However, as I write the “Reader’s Theatre,” the introduction to the scripture that the readers give will more clearly focus on the needs of the vast majority of pew warmers who know very little about the Bible. That focus has not been as clear as it could have been.<br /> Last August, Bev and I had the opportunity to lead worship in our own congregation for several Sundays. In addition to the “Reader’s Theatre,” Bev read a children’s version of the lection from “The Lectionary Story Bible.” Ostensibly for the children, but in every single case we had people come and tell us how much they appreciated “getting a leg up,” as one of them phrased it, to an understanding of the lection when it was read the second time.<br /> We also led worship on the 25th of last month, and the response to the re-telling of the Job story was almost embarrassingly positive.<br /> I am convinced that most church-goers would like to know more about the Bible. They are embarrassed by how little they now know. That embarrassment will keep them away from Bible study groups. That doesn’t make sense, but it’s true. But if we can develop an interesting, open way to help them learn in the course of our preaching, many of them will be leaning forward in their pews to soak it up.<br /> It’s not the whole solution. Not by a long shot. But it is a step in the right direction.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor<br />Straitjacket for God<br /> At the end of a presentation on world hunger, the program leader invited comments from the audience.<br /> The first person to respond said, “It’s like Jesus said, if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he can feed himself for a lifetime.”<br /> The discussion leader agreed that this was one of Jesus’ most important parables.<br /> But it didn’t come from Jesus at all. It came from Confucius, around 500 B.C.<br /> Perhaps it’s natural that people tend to attribute quotations to the Bible, since it is the largest single source of our common quotations, followed by Shakespeare. Still, I was dismayed that the facilitator, who should have known better, agreed that it came from the Bible. I wish people could be more accurate.<br /> But I find it interesting that the saying becomes more believable if it comes from the Bible than if it comes from ancient China.<br /> About 15 years ago, I coined my own saying: “Liberals believe what the Bible says if it’s supported by science or life; conservatives believe science and life only if it’s supported by the Bible.”<br /> At the time, I thought it was a joke. I no longer think so.<br /> I look around – especially at the U.S. – and I see conservatives accepting quantum physics, nanotechnology, gene splicing, and gas-guzzling SUVs, because none of them contradict the Bible. But they reject evolution, because it disagrees with the biblical story of Creation.<br /> For the same reason, they whole-heartedly welcome psychiatry, capitalism, calculus, and Viagra. But they reject abortion and homosexuality, because of a few biblical verses.<br /> Please note – the point is not whether abortion and alternate sexual orientations are right or wrong. The point is the basis on which people reach that conclusion. Abortion may well be the murder of an unborn child. But would conservatives still oppose abortion if the Bible endorsed it? I doubt it.<br /> I’m reminded that when a few radical voices began advocating the abolition of slavery in the late 1700s, the most strident opposition came from those who insisted that abolishing slavery was contrary to God’s will.<br /> And how did they know God’s will? The Bible told them so.<br /> A minister friend’s daughter rejected his faith years ago. Recently, she went to a worship service with him. As they came out, she admitted that she had enjoyed the singing, appreciated the sermon... “The only problem,” she said, “was that everything was about the Bible. Don’t you people ever read anything else?”<br /> I have sometimes suggested that in the new challenges facing our world – from climate change to nuclear weapons to toxic chemicals that never existed before – God may have to communicate with us in unprecedented ways. Probably not through the church. More likely through people who don’t wear a Christian badge on their sleeves, like Al Gore, David Suzuki, or Percy Schmeiser.<br /> And I’ve been assured that God cannot act in ways that are not already defined by the Bible.<br /> Amazing – a book has become a straitjacket limiting the Almighty.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Good Stuff – This from Sally Gill. It’s been around before, but quite some time back. And it’s a good enough parable to bear repeating.<br /><br />A pilgrim from earth was having a conversation with God one day. The pilgrim said, “God, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.<br /> God led the pilgrim to two doors. The pilgrim looked in the first door. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the pilgrim’s mouth water.<br /> But the people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The pilgrim shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.<br /> “That is Hell,” said God.<br /> They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the pilgrim’s mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but they were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.<br /> “I don't understand,” said the pilgrim.<br /> “It’s simple,” said God. “In this room, they have learned to feed each other.”<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Jean McCord says her church “has a great food and clothing bank called My Sister’s Pantry. However, a recent report said we were involved in ‘my sister’s panty’ (no caps, even). Luckily someone caught it at the first draft.”<br /><br />Russell Pastuch of Ottawa, Ontario noticed an interesting litany in the worship service:<br />One: God's Sacred Presence is in the midst of this gathered community.<br />All: And God's Scared Presence is outside in the bustle of neighbourhoods and the beauty of creation.<br /> Well Russell, if God is a bit scared in the bustle of our neighbourhoods, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised. Especially in the Ottawa neighbourhood known as “Capitol Hill.”<br /><br />From the file:<br />* The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.<br />* The “Over 60s Choir” will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.<br />* The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.<br /><br />If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<br /><br />Wish I’d Said That! –When you tug at a single thing in nature, you find it attached to the rest of the world.<br /> John Muir via Cliff Boldt<br /><br />An artist is consumed, not by the past or present work, but by the empty space ahead.<br /> Lily Tomlin via Stephani Keer<br /><br />Tourists travels thousand miles to get a picture of themselves standing beside their car.<br /> source unknown via Evelyn McLachlan<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />We Get Letters – Lenore Reeves and Mary Lautensleger wrote to report a number of errors in last week’s Rumors around All Saints’ Day and the Proper numbering.<br /> My apologies to all of you who were confused or inconvenienced by my errors. I wish I could promise to mend my ways and not make anymore dumb mistakes. But that isn’t likely to happen. In fact, it will probably get worse.<br /> Wrong! No “probably” about it. It will get worse.<br /> If you are involved in worship leadership, I would strongly recommend that you have at least one other source against which you can check my stuff.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Round is a shape!”)<br />Alexis Anderson gives us this advice from the family doctor we wish we all had.<br />Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your hearts only good for so many beats, and that’s it. Don't waste it on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. It’s like saying you extend the life of a car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. <br />Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: Understand the concept of logistical efficiency. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of the recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.<br />Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer is also made of grain which has lots of good fiber. Bottoms up!<br />Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.<br />Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: I can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You are not paying attention! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they are permeated by it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?!?<br />Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. <br />Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy?!? Hell-ooo!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It’s the best feel-good food around!<br />Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain the whale to me.<br />Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! <br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bottom of the Barrel – This groaner is from Art Hebbeler of Laurel, Maryland. He doesn’t know the source, which is just as well.<br /> A new preacher wanted to rent a house in the country but the only one available was rumored to be haunted. That didn’t bother the preacher since he didn’t believe in such things. He went ahead and rented the place.<br /> Soon the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the ghost, but they didn’t believe him. They told him the only way they would believe was if he took a picture of the ghost.<br /> The preacher went home and called for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed.<br /> When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn’t visible. Feeling disappointed, the preacher called again for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn’t in it.<br /> The ghost thought a minute and replied, “Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.”<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – 1 Samuel 1:4-20, 1 Samuel 2:18-20, 1 Samuel 3:1-18. Selected verses.<br /> (Important note: It’s important for the congregation to understand when you are reading from the scripture, and when you are having a conversation between the two of you. A significant pause, and a change of posture should do it.)<br /><br />Reader 1: What do you want to be when you grow up?<br />Reader 2: What are you talking about? I am grown up.<br />1: No you’re not. You’re just an overgrown kid in grown-up clothes. Some people don’t grow up until they’re into their 80s. Some never manage it.<br />2: I am legally an adult. I have a driver’s license, I am of legal drinking age. I can vote. And I have arthritis in my knees. And gray hair. And a pot belly. (NOTE: CHANGE THESE TO SUIT YOURSELF)<br />1: I didn’t ask if you were an adult. I was talking about when you grow up. When you become what you always dreamed of becoming. When you become the person you sometimes dream of becoming when you are lying in bed and you are just falling asleep.<br />2: (SQUIRMS A LITTLE BUT DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING.)<br />1: Well?<br />2: I always thought of myself as someone who really cared about other people.<br />1: That’s your call!<br />2: What is?<br />1: That little voice inside your head that keeps telling you that God’s dream for you is to care for other people.<br />2: That’s in our scripture for today.<br />1: I wondered when we were going to get around to that.<br />2: It’s a story that comes from the Hebrew scriptures about a woman named Hannah, and how she dreamed of having a child – it’s about the child she had and God’s call to him in the middle of the night. He became the prophet Samuel, one of the greatest prophets in the Hebrew Scripture.<br />1: Then let’s read it.<br />2: We need to tell the story that leads up to the scripture reading. It’s about Hannah who wants so badly to have a baby. She has a very gentle and kind husband named Elkanah who tells her, “It’s OK, Hannah. I love you even if you don’t have any babies.”<br /> So Hannah goes to the temple to pray for a baby. And here we pick up the story in the scripture. From the book of First Samuel.<br />SLIGHT PAUSE<br />1: Hannah was deeply distressed and prayed to God and wept bitterly. She made this vow.<br />2: O LORD of hosts, if only you will look on my misery but will give me a male child, then I will dedicate him to you until the day of his death. He shall drink neither wine nor intoxicants, and no razor shall touch his head."1: Now Eli, the priest was sitting nearby. As she continued praying Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying silently; only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk. He said to her, "How long will you make a drunken spectacle of yourself? Put away your wine."2: No, my lord, I am a woman deeply troubled; I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but I have been pouring out my soul before God. Please don’t see me as a worthless woman, for I have been speaking out of my great anxiety and vexation all this time."1: "Go in peace; the God of Israel grant the petition you have made.SLIGHT PAUSE<br />2: That’s the first part of the story in the First book of Samuel. Hannah goes back to her home, and sure enough, she gets pregnant and gives birth to Samuel.<br /> Store that name in your head, because Samuel becomes a very prominent figure in the Bible story.<br />1: Hannah has her baby Samuel. And I find this hard to believe – the story says that as soon as little Sam was weaned, she took him to the temple as she had promised, and left him there with old Eli to look after him.<br />2: Yeah, I find that hard too. Would old Eli know how to change a poopy diaper?<br />1: Hannah gets to see her boy once a year, when they make their annual pilgrimage to the temple. And the Bible adds a tender little note that she would make a little robe for her child each year and bring it to him.<br />2: But now we get to the main part of the story. Samuel has grown – he’s probably a young teenager, and he’s pretty well learned how to behave in the temple. Eli is getting old and crotchety, and his eyesight is beginning to go. We pick up the story in the Bible, this time from the third chapter of the book of Samuel.<br />SLIGHT PAUSE.<br />1: At that time Eli, whose eyesight had begun to grow dim so that he could not see, was lying down in his room where the ark of God was. And God called to the boy.<br />2:"Samuel! Samuel!"<br />1: "Here I am!"<br />2: Samuel ran to Eli.<br />1: "Here I am, for you called me."<br />2: "I did not call; lie down again." So Samuel went and laid down. But God called again. "Samuel!" Samuel got up and went to Eli.<br />1: "Here I am, for you called me."<br />2: "I did not call, my son; lie down again." Now, young Samuel did not yet know God, and the word of God had not yet been revealed to him. God called Samuel again, a third time. And again, Samuel got up and went to Eli.<br />1: "Here I am, for you called me."<br />2: Then Eli knew that it was God calling the boy. And so Eli said to Samuel, "Go, lie down; and if God calls you, you shall say, 'Speak, for your servant is listening.'" So Samuel went and lay down in his place.<br /> Now God came and stood there, calling as before, "Samuel! Samuel!"<br />1: "Speak God, for your servant is listening."<br />2: "See, I am about to do something in Israel that will make both ears of anyone who hears of it tingle. On that day I will fulfill against Eli all that I have spoken concerning his house, from beginning to end. For I have told him that I am about to punish his house forever, for the iniquity that he knew, because his sons were blaspheming God, and he did not restrain them.<br />1: As Samuel grew up, God was with him and let none of God’s words fall to the ground. And all Israel from Dan to Beer-sheba knew that Samuel was a trustworthy prophet of the LORD.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don't put anything else in that e-mail<br />To Unsubscribe:<br />* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.<br />Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-44727455831117376372009-10-30T13:59:00.000-07:002009-10-30T14:00:49.663-07:00Preaching Materials for November 8, 2009R U M O R S # 574<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2009-11-01<br /><br />November 1, 2009<br /><br />A DEEPLY TOUCHING STORY<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Motto:<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />If you need Rumors a day or two early from time to time, please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. <a href="http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/">http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/</a><br /> I post each issue of Rumors on that blog, usually during the last half of the week previous. Or if an issue of Rumors goes missing, or you need a back issue, you can go and find it there.<br /><br />*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />The Story – two courageous women<br />Rumors – Boaz remembers<br />Soft Edges – people and pests<br />Bloopers – on a private cuddle sac<br />We Get Letters – church of steel<br />Mirabile Dictu! – character lines<br />Bottom of the Barrel – Jesus is watching<br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Ruth 3:1-5; 4:13-17<br />Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rib Tickler – This from Bob Buchanan.<br /> A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does your father say when the family sits down to dinner?"<br /> "Dad says, 'Go easy on the butter, kids, its three dollars a pound!'"<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, November 8, 2009 which is Proper 26 [31] which is also All Saints Day.<br />* Ruth 3:1-5; 4:13-17 or1 Kings 17:8-16<br />* Psalm 127 or Psalm 146<br />* Hebrews 9:24-28<br />* Mark 12:38-44<br /><br />The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Ruth 3:1-5; 4:13-17<br />Ralph says –<br />The story of Ruth and Naomi is one of the most moving and powerful sagas in the Bible, because it tells the story of the courage of two women who are caught in a male-oriented system. In this part of the story, Naomi instructs Ruth to deliberately seduce Boaz (“feet” is a euphemism for genitals) because otherwise they will face starvation. Only two snippets of this story are included in the lectionary. It deserves more attention and it is my choice for the story this week even though there is an equally powerful story of the “widow’s mite” in the gospel. If I were preaching, I’d find a way to connect the two, perhaps to talk about the way your perception of morality changes when your back is up against the wall.<br /> If I were going to preach the story of Ruth and Naomi, I would use the children’s version from the Lectionary Story Bible, Year B, page 220, because it tells the whole Ruth and Naomi story. The story is also summarized in the Reader’s Theatre version of scripture, and you could excerpt just that even if you don’t plan to use the whole Reader’s Theatre thing.<br /> Either way, please tell the story. This week’s lectionary selection doesn’t really make much sense without that context.<br /> There is also a monologue, “Boaz Remembers” under “Rumors.” It is not intended for, nor would it be understood by, children. Its best use would be in a study group looking at the story, but it does give some insight into the reality of a widow’s life in biblical days.<br /><br />Jim says –<br /> To me, the story of Naomi and Ruth is one of the most touching in the Bible. It’s right up there with the Parable of the Prodigal Son.<br /> But I think that most presentations of the story<br /> a) deal with only small fragments of it<br /> b) make Naomi far too nice.<br /> When I read the whole story, beginning to end, I see Naomi as rather embittered by her losses – understandably, since she lost not just her husband, but both sons too. With no male head-of-household, she was a total nobody.<br /> So she decided to return home, where she could at least throw herself under the umbrella of some more distant male relatives. Yes, she tries to persuade her daughters-in-law to stay in their home country, but I wonder if that’s genuine self-sacrifice, or an episode of the “oh, poor me!” blues.<br /> But she must have been a lovable woman once, for Ruth to stick with her.<br /> Then, when they got back to Naomi’s home, Naomi manipulates Ruth to seduce Boaz, an unmarried kin. The climax of the story (Chapter 4:16-17) is that Naomi now has a grandson. She got what she had wanted all along. Her lineage would continue.<br /> Of course, we can see further into the future – that lineage will eventually come to flower in King David.<br /><br />Psalm 127:1-5 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor<br />In the wisdom of the psalmist's time, children offered the only social security most families had; barrenness was considered a curse. Today, many people choose not to have children, and governments provide the social security.<br />1 The road of life takes many tricky turns;<br />you never know what crisis waits around the corner.<br />2 Each day has only 24 hours;<br />You cannot accomplish any more by burning candles at both ends;<br />You will only burn yourself out.<br />But God knows what you can do, and God will give you the strength you need.<br />3 God gives family and friends to sustain us when we weaken;<br />4 They are our insurance against the future.<br />5 Treat everyone as a friend,<br />and you will never lack for support when you need it.<br /> From: Everyday Psalms<br /> Wood Lake Publications.<br /> For details, go to <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a><br /><br />Hebrews 9:24-28 – The passage seems to be around knowing the difference between a sacrifice that is real, and those which are unreal. And it has to do with cost. The ritual sacrifices of the priests cost them nothing, whereas Jesus’ sacrifice cost him everything.<br /><br />Mark 12:38-44 – Two real incidents come immediately to mind. The two women involved are both dead. In one tiny, struggling congregation where Bev served during her first years in ministry, a woman in the community would make a grand entrance to the church twice a year, and each time would put a cheque for several thousand dollars on the offering plate, even though Bev said to her on one occasion, “We don’t want your money. We want you.”<br /> In another congregation, a woman attended church faithfully and involved herself in the work of the church as much as she was able. Rachel suffered significant handicaps herself and was a single mother with two handicapped children. She lived on welfare which was inadequate for her most basic needs and even less so considering her handicapped children.<br /> And Rachel tithed. Only Bev, who helped her set up a budget, knew that. From the little she had, Rachel tithed, even though Bev suggested she might give less. “If I don’t do that part right,” she said, “nothing else works.” Rachel tithed faithfully, year after year until she died.<br /> So this incident in Mark’s gospel is realty for me. It’s about real people I have known.<br /><br />There’s a children’s version of the whole story of Ruth and Naomi in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 220 and the “Poor Woman’s Gift” on page 225.<br /> If you don’t own a set of “The Lectionary Story Bible,” click the main Wood Lake Publications website at <a href="http://www.woodlakebooks.com/">www.woodlakebooks.com</a>, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”<br /> <a href="http://tinyurl.com/2lonod">http://tinyurl.com/2lonod</a><br /> Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rumors – An Aggada based on the book of Ruth<br />Boaz remembers. . .<br />The story of Ruth who had no other options<br />by Ralph Milton<br /> I am a decent man. I have a reputation to maintain. I live a decent life and say my prayers daily. I thank God for many things, and most especially I say the prayer prescribed for all Jewish men, “Thank God that I was not born a woman.”<br /> Mostly I steer clear of women. They spell nothing but trouble, and in a small town like Bethlehem, there are no secrets.<br /> So when I woke in the middle of the night, naked, my cloak pulled up to my chest, a shudder of fear ran through me. And then, in the darkness, I became aware of a woman beside me. I could hear her breathing. I could feel the warmth of her body. I knew I was in trouble. Deep trouble. My head was pounding and I felt sick to the stomach, from fear and too much to drink. What kind of mess have I gotten myself into?<br /> It was the last night of the threshing season. Big celebration. Lots of good food and lots and lots of wine, and everyone ate and drank and partied till the wee small hours, until they passed out somewhere on the threshing floor. And yes, a lot of men and women got mixed up with each other – they do every year – but I always thought of myself as too smart to fall into that trap.<br /> Now this. And I didn’t even know who this woman was. It was the middle of the night. She put her face close to mine and whispered, “I am Ruth.”<br /> “Ruth? Ruth who? I don’t know any Ruth.”<br /> “I am Ruth, the woman from Moab. I am the daughter-in-law of Naomi, your kinswoman. You were very kind to me and helped me glean grain from your fields. You protected me and gave me food.”<br /> Then the whole thing came clear to me. I do her a favor. She pays me back by giving me her body.<br /> “Damn,” I whispered loudly. Then more quietly because I didn’t want to wake up any of the other drunken bodies scattered around the threshing floor – “I thought you were something more than a prostitute. Do you think I let you glean in the fields just so I could get you into the sack?”<br /> I could feel her stiffen and sit up. “I should have known. I should have bloody well known that no man would understand this.”<br /> “Quiet,” I whispered. “You’ll wake everybody up.”<br /> “Let them wake up,” Ruth hissed. “And I’ll give them a little lecture about what it’s like being a woman. A woman is just half a human, remember. I have no rights. I have no place I can go back to, and no place I can go forward to. I am a foreigner in this country, I am a widow, I have no father and no sons. All I have is a mother-in-law who schemes and plans and figures that if I come here and seduce you, maybe you’ll marry me. But you wouldn’t know what it’s like to have your back against the wall, to have no options, no choices and no hope. It’s no wonder you men pray, ‘Thank God I was not born a woman.’ I would too. Men have all the power and all the choices and I have no power and no choices except the power of sex and so I turn myself into a prostitute in the wild hope that you might marry me.”<br /> I couldn’t see her in the dark but I could feel her anger and her pain. And I could remember her face. I had seen the grim determination in her eyes and in her body as she worked in the blazing sun from early morning till late at night, breaking her back to pick up the few little heads of grain missed by the harvesters. And I had heard her story gossiped in the streets of Bethlehem, how hope had turned to pain and death in her native Moab, of her dedication to her mother-in-law. I had envied her courage, her strength, her commitment. Now I could hear her deep and angry breathing as she sat there beside me on the threshing floor.<br /> She was right, of course. Part of my daily prayer was to say, “Thank God I was not born a woman,” and now, suddenly, I knew why. I was far too weak to be a woman. I would long ago have been crushed by the pain and circumstance Ruth and Naomi had faced. “Thank God I was not born a woman,” because I could never do what Ruth had done, simply to stay alive. Nor did I have the loyalty and commitment she had showed, when she followed Naomi into a strange and distant land.<br /> And then I knew I needed Ruth. Not for the sex and not for the comfort but for the sheer strength and will and hope that lives in such a person.<br /> “Ruth,” I said. “If I can work it out, will you marry me?”<br /> “No,” she said. “If it means death, so be it, but I won’t sell myself again, just to survive.”<br /> “Not for your sake, Ruth. For mine. I have power, but you have strength. As a male, I have rights, but you have purpose. Without you, I am incomplete.”<br /> There was a long, long silence. Then in the darkness of that threshing floor, she took my hand.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor<br />People and Pests<br /> Our cat Joey caught a mouse the other day. Joey generally prefers occupying my lounge chair in front of the fireplace to catching mice. In fact, in the two years we’ve had him, this is the first time I’ve seen him catch anything other than his tail in the door.<br /> Joan looked out, and saw Joey playing with something. He grabbed it in his mouth, flung it in the air, pounced on it, then flung it in the air and pounced again...<br /> I went out to check. Joey had a mouse. A small, wet, beslobbered, utterly terrified little mouse. The words of Scottish poet Robbie Burns fitted well:<br />“Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim'rous beastie, Oh, what a panic's in thy breastie!”<br /> I intervened. I grabbed Joey and held him back.<br /> The mouse, suddenly released from torment, looked around desperately with its beady black eyes. Then it scuttled for the closest shelter, which happened to be – I still find this hard to believe – between Joey’s legs. Under Joey’s belly.<br /> It makes me wonder why biologists would choose mice for testing intelligence.<br /> It also makes me wonder why I should bother protecting a mouse. Mice are, after all, pests. We hire exterminators to get rid of them. Ruthless reason suggests that I would have been smarter to kill the “wee beastie” than save it.<br /> Is it just that they look so cute?<br /> Deer also look adorably cute, with those big soft Bambi eyes. But they too are pests. Joan looked out the other morning and announced, “Look! The deer have stripped the bark off the weeping spruce again!”<br /> She had been out the day before, weeding the flower bed around that tree. The bark was still undamaged then.<br /> This is the second weeping spruce we’ve planted. The deer stripped the first one, two winters ago, by rubbing their horns against its trunk. I protected the second tree through its first winter by building a fortress of chicken wire around it, as impenetrable as most U.S. embassies in foreign countries.<br /> But this year, I was one day late installing the fortress.<br /> I regret to say that I muttered a string of undeleted expletives that once-President Richard Nixon might have envied.<br /> The deer also nibbled the buds off all our roses. Ate all the foliage off a young cut-leaf maple. And chomped a thriving young hawthorn tree back to a hawthorn bush.<br /> And yet I still get a thrill, watching them saunter across our lawn in the evening dusk.<br /> Deer and mice are a mixed blessing. The story of creation says that God made all the creatures, and declared them good. But perhaps goodness depends on its interaction with other elements of creation.<br /> The prophet Isaiah visualized lions and lambs lying down together. Ideally, he believed, all God’s creatures – including humans – should live together in harmony.<br /> I’m willing to make some sacrifices, so that the animals can continue to thrive.<br /> I just wish those animals would try equally hard to live in harmony with me.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – In a list of historical events, Jim Taylor found this. “JFK Announces Air and Navel Blockade of Cuba (1962)”<br /><br />Dan Nighswander of Winnipeg, Manitoba found this in Rumors. "I’m a child of the 150s." He asks, “Is this the year or some sect I haven't heard about.”<br /> Dan, it’s a sect known as “The Fraternal Fellowship of Obsolete Old Fogies,” and it has been mentioned from time to time here on Rumors. I was about to say, “its activities have been reported,” but since it doesn’t actually do anything, it’s hard to report on. And it doesn’t believe in anything except the menu for the next meal.<br /><br />Stephani Keer got these from J. Leno.<br />* Dealers wanted to sell copiers, printers and fax machines. Real business with real prophets.<br />* Church panel applauds mandatory volunteering.<br />* Busy schedules hurt Overworkers Anonymous<br />* Dead couple kept to themselves<br />* For sale: House on private cuddle sac<br />* Electric hospital bed with trampoline, like new, $750<br /><br />If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<br /><br />Wish I’d Said That! – Change of opinion is often the progress of sound thought and growing knowledge.<br /> source unknown via Mary in Oman<br /><br />A closed mouth gathers no foot.<br /> Frank Fisher via Evelyn McLachlan<br /><br />It is discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.<br /> Noel Coward via Jim Taylor<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />We Get Letters – George Brigham of Nottinghamshire, England writes: Your piece yesterday about United/Untied churches reminded me of one Palm Sunday long ago. We didn't know the young man who'd expressed an interest in training as a preacher was dyslexic. He read the story of the disciples going to the village to collect a colt very well, except that every time he should have read untie, or a variation of it, he read instead unite, hence:<br /> “Unite it and bring it here. If anyone asks you, "Why are you uniting it?" tell him, "The Lord needs it." Those who were sent went ahead and found it just as he had told them. As they were uniting the colt, its owners asked them "Why are you uniting the colt?" They replied, "The Lord needs it."..... Luke 19.30b ff<br /><br />Velia Watts of Edmonton, Alberta and her husband were travelling in the San Diego area. He was flipping around the web and came upon a listing for the “Church of Steel.” It is a tattoo parlor!!<br /><br />Virginia Rickeman of Bethel, Maine writes: The "veterinarian" story may or may not be apocryphal. I live in a large old house given to our church nearly 50 years ago with the stipulation that the church use it as a parsonage. Those who bequeathed it to us were a man and his sister. He made his money on "girly shows" in the big bad city of Boston. His sister acted as his secretary. To my knowledge, the church had no qualms about accepting it....<br /> I wonder if this has anything to do with the church needing to be in the world but not of it. I'm content to let God sort it all out.<br /><br />Fran Ota got this from Anna Murdock who lives in the eastern US.<br /> “My aunt had given me a box of about 40 little notebooks that once belonged to my grandfather (who was an obsessive/compulsive). They were all about the size of an IPOD and were crammed full of notes. Not just the days of his life, but the minutes and seconds as well. <br /> “In one tiny notebook, he listed every single ache and pain that he had. Another notebook listed every chicken he ever owned, mentioned their names, what, how, when and where they died. Yet another one listed every article of clothing that he purchased, what size, the type of material, the date purchased and of course, how much he paid for them. <br /> “But one of my very favorite books was labelled "Where I Keep Important Information". One entry read "The list of decent ministers is filed under 'D' in my files."<br /> “Unfortunately, there was no "D" in his files!!!! "<br /><br />Loretta Romankewicz writes: “I have another version of Sally drawing the Nativity Scene. There's a little fat man in the corner of her picture. When asked who that is, Sally replies, ‘That's Round John Virgin’."<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Character lines!”)<br />This from Jim Spinks:<br />* Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.<br />* Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.<br />* Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.<br />* Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.<br />* Gossip: Never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.<br />* Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.<br />* Raisin: Grape with a sunburn.<br />* Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.<br />* Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.<br />* Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.<br />* Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.<br />* Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.<br />* Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bottom of the Barrel – This from Jay Sprout of St. Johnsbury, Vermont.<br /> A burglar broke into a house and shined his flashlight around looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you."<br /> He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze. When he heard nothing more he continued his search for stuff worth stealing.<br /> Then he heard again: "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically. Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot.<br /> "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.<br /> "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you."<br /> The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"<br /> "Moses," replied the bird.<br /> "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird 'Moses'?"<br /> "The kind that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Ruth 3:1-5; 4:13-17<br />(NOTE: If possible, the readers should be two women.)<br />Reader 1: This is the story of Ruth and Naomi. It’s found in the Bible in the book of Ruth.<br />Reader 2: It’s a powerful story about the courage, strength and faithfulness of two women who found themselves destitute and starving.<br />1: In biblical days, a woman had only two ways to find a home, security, food – all the things we take for granted. She was either some man’s daughter or some man’s wife. If she had some relatives they might help her out, but basically a woman on her own would simply starve. Ruth was not only a widow without relatives, she was a foreigner.<br />2: Two things need explaining before we start. Near the end of the story, Ruth goes and deliberately seduces a man named Boaz by uncovering his genitals while he is sleeping. In the story, it says Ruth uncovered his “feet,” but feet was a euphemism for genitals. You will need to decide for yourself whether she did something immoral.<br />1: The story is in the Bible, not because it’s a story of women’s courage, but because Ruth turns out to be the great, great grandmother of King David. And for Christians the story was important because Jesus traced his ancestry back to King David, and therefore back to a foreign widow named Ruth.<br />2: So. Are we ready to tell the story?<br />1: There was a terrible famine in the land of Judah. There had been no rain for years. Naomi’s husband decided to go to the land of Moab, where the harvests had been good. So Naomi, her husband and two sons, took the long walk to the land of Moab.<br />2: Things went fairly well in Moab. They hand enough to eat. And the two sons found wives. Things seemed to be just fine.<br />1: But then Naomi’s husband died. Soon after that, her two sons also died. And there was Naomi with her two daughter’s-in-law, Ruth and Orpah. Three widows, who had no way of earning a living.<br />2: In her desperation, Naomi announced that she was going to take the long walk back to Judah. “At least I have a few relatives there,” she said.<br />1: “We’re going with you,” said the two younger women.<br />2: “Don’t even think of it,” said Naomi. “Stay here. Here at least you have a few relatives that might help you. Here at least you might find new husbands.”<br />1: Orpah agreed. She kissed Naomi and headed back home.<br />2: But not Ruth. Ruth had developed a deep love for her mother-in-law. And she sang this song to Naomi.<br />1: Don’t ask me now to leave you<br /> Or to return from following after you.<br /> For wherever you go, I will go.<br /> Wherever you live, I will live.<br /> Your people shall me my people,<br /> And your God, my God.<br /> Where you die, there I will die,<br /> And there will I be buried.<br /> I swear. May God be my witness and my judge,<br /> If anything but death,<br /> Keeps us apart.<br />2: And so Ruth went with Naomi back to Judah. The famine was over and things were a little better there now, but still, the only thing that kept the two women alive was Ruth out in the grain fields, gleaning, picking up whatever little heads of grain had been left by the harvester. It was backbreaking work, but Ruth was determined to keep her and her mother-in-law alive.<br />1: Naomi knew it was a only a temporary solution. When the harvest was over, there would be nothing. So she hatched a plan to have Ruth deliberately seduce a distant cousin of hers, a man named Boaz. If it worked, Boaz would marry Ruth and everything would be fine again.<br />2: And that is where today’s scripture reading begins. A reading from the book of Ruth.<br />(SHORT PAUSE)<br />1: Naomi, Ruth’s mother-in-law, spoke to her.<br />2: "My daughter, I need to seek some security for you, so that it may be well with you. Now here is our kinsman Boaz, with whose young women you have been gleaning grain. See, he is winnowing barley tonight at the threshing floor. Now wash and anoint yourself, and put on your best clothes and go down to the threshing floor; but do not make yourself known to Boaz until he has finished eating and drinking. When he lies down, observe the place where he lies; then, go and uncover his feet and lie down; and he will tell you what to do."<br />1:"All that you tell me I will do."<br />2: So Boaz took Ruth and she became his wife. When they came together, God made her conceive, and she bore a son.<br />1: Then the women said to Naomi:<br />2: "Blessed be God, who has not left you this day without next-of-kin. May God’s name be renowned in Israel! This newborn child shall be to you a restorer of life and a nourisher of your old age; for your daughter-in-law who loves you, who is more to you than seven sons, has borne him."<br />1: Then Naomi took the child and laid him in her bosom, and became his nurse.<br />2: The women of the neighborhood gave the baby a name, saying, "A child has been born to Naomi."<br />1: They named the baby Obed. He became the father of Jesse, the father of David.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don't put anything else in that e-mail<br />To Unsubscribe:<br />* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.<br />Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960343535221259493.post-71475368720427913542009-10-22T16:31:00.000-07:002009-10-22T16:32:20.319-07:00Preaching Materials for November 1, 2009R U M O R S #573<br />Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor<br />2009-10-25<br /><br />October 25, 2009<br /><br />FUNDAMENTALS OF THE FAITH<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Motto:<br /> "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />NOTE: From time to time we get letters asking if I could get Rumors out a little earlier for those who need to plan ahead. When Jim and I looked at this as realistically as possible, the best we could do is point you to the blog. You’ll find Rumors posted there anytime during the last half of the week. Occasionally as late as Saturday night, more often as early as Wednesday afternoon. This one is going in on Thursday night. Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list…<br /> <a href="http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/">http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/</a><br />…and check there if you need it earlier.<br /> And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.<br /> Thanks.<br /><br />*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />The Story – the central verb<br />Rumors – being right<br />Soft Edges – giving up our roads<br />Bloopers – the untied cruch<br />We Get Letters – shampoo in a bird bath<br />Mirabile Dictu! – thumpitty thump thump<br />Bottom of the Barrel – the thousand dollar offering<br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Mark 12:28-34<br />Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rib Tickler – Little Jessica knew all about angels and halos.<br /> “The halos are little circles over their heads, and angels have to walk carefully and they have to walk slowly, so the halos don’t get crooked.”<br /> “What do the angels do if the halo falls off?” asked Jessica’s mom.<br /> “They go to Wal-Mart and they buy another one.”<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, November 1st, which is Proper 26 [31]<br /><br />* Ruth 1:1-18 or Deuteronomy 6:1-9<br />* Psalm 146 or Psalm 119:1-8<br />* Hebrews 9:11-14<br />* Mark 12:28-34<br /><br />If you are observing All Saints Day on November 1st, these are the readings:<br />* Wisdom of Solomon 3:1-9 or Isaiah 25:6-9<br />* Psalm 24<br />* Revelation 21:1-6a<br />* John 11:32-44<br /><br />Ruth 1:1-18 – This is episode one of the Ruth and Naomi saga – a story of power and drama that deserves more attention than we’ve given it. We’re suggesting that it be given major attention next week. That way we can tell the whole story in one piece.<br /> But we might excerpt that beautiful poem that Ruth says to Naomi. Bev and I, like so many couples, had that read at our wedding 51 years ago, even though the minister objected that it was between two women. That didn’t matter to us then and it matters even less now when we know that the love between two women can be everything that the love between a man and a woman can be.<br /> It’s as much sentimentality as anything that has me liking the King James version, but the new Inclusive Bible comes close.<br /> Where you go, I will go;<br /> Where you lodge, I will lodge.<br /> Your people will be my people,<br /> And your God, my God.<br /> Where you die, I’ll die there too,<br /> And I will be buried there beside you.<br /> I swear, may YHWH be my witness and my judge –<br /> That not even death will keep us apart.<br /><br />Psalm 146 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor<br />1 Who can you trust these days?<br />Only God. Forever and ever.<br />2 You can put your faith in God as long as you live.<br />God will never let you down.<br />3 Do not put your trust in any government.<br />You cannot count on them.<br />4 Human life is short, but governments are shorter.<br />With each election, their policies change;<br />their promises dry up faster than morning dew.<br />5 Put your trust in God;<br />for eternal confidence,<br />count on the one who knows eternity.<br />6 What human agency can claim to have created the earth?<br />What human agency can claim to care for it?<br />7 Look and see those whom God chooses to help:<br />To feed the hungry; to set free the prisoners;<br />8 To give sight to the blind; to let the lame walk;<br />to grant liberty to the oppressed;<br />9 Those who always take care of their own concerns<br />are brought down by their own ambitions.<br />God cares for the strangers, the widows, the orphans–<br />God watches over those who cannot watch out for themselves.<br />10 Can any human authority make that claim?<br />That is why God rules over all creation.<br />Trust in God forever!<br /> From: Everyday Psalms<br /> Wood Lake Publications.<br /> For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com<br /><br />Hebrews 9:11-14 – I don’t pretend to understand the Hebrew sacrificial system. The whole culture seems to have been living with a huge sense of guilt. Maybe we could do with a bit of that – a sense that we do carry the blame for what is happening in the world especially the suffering from several diseases and starvation n Africa.<br /> And I’m quite sure, if we really wanted to, we could find a better solution than killing an animal or a human, even if the human was Jesus of Nazareth.<br /><br />The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Mark 12:28-34<br />Jim sends his regrets. For several good reasons, he’s not able to provide us with his “blurb” this week.<br /><br />Ralph says –<br />There’s a cultural difference that pops out at me reading this passage. In first century Jewish culture (and many others) religious discussion was a bit like a tennis match. In this particular passage, Jesus aces the scribes and the game is over. No one dared to challenge Jesus to another match. Jesus wins and gloats. The others lose and slink away into the shadows feeling humiliated and defeated.<br /> Thinking of it that way bothers many of us. We’d argue that such discussions should not be about verbal jousting – not about winning and losing – but about discovering the truth.<br /> And the truth Jesus articulates here is fundamental – foundational – and any concern about who was winning and who was losing would only distract us.<br /> The verb in both of Jesus’ declarations is “love.” And the opportunity here is not to define “love” at great length but to tell stories of love in real life. Especially stories of the love of neighbor – miserable, cranky, hard-to-love neighbors – which can be really tough at times.<br /> In the best-selling novel, “The Shack” by Paul Young, the grieving angry father whose young daughter had been abducted, raped and murdered, has to learn how to love his own father who abused him, God, who allowed it all to happen, and finally, the man who killed his daughter. The love does not imply liking, or accepting, but is the essence of forgiveness that makes it possible for the man to live again.<br /><br />The story of Ruth and Naomi, “Two Brave Women” is found in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 220. You might use this on either November 1 or 8, because that’s the two Sundays on which the story occurs in the lectionary. We are suggesting the full story on the 8th.<br /> A story based on the gospel reading, “The Most Important Rules” is found on page 223.<br /> If you don’t yet own this set of three children’s Bible story books, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”<br /> http://tinyurl.com/2lonod<br /> Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Rumors – Among the life-changing experiences that I’ve known was six weeks of study in Israel some years ago. For myself, I brought back only one memento – aside from a head full of new ideas and insights.<br /> I brought for myself a mezuzah. That’s the little container which practicing Jews nail to their doorpost. It contains a little slip of paper on which is printed, in Hebrew, the Shema. “Hear O Israel, the Lord your God is one, and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and mind.”<br /> I found myself filled with a deep emotion as I nailed it to the inside door of my home here in Kelowna. I know I will take it with me wherever I move.<br /> Perhaps it has to do with connections. Connections to that vast and holy tradition that was seared by the desert sun into a faith that provides the essence of life, if only we would take it, apply it, believe it, live it, be it.<br /> Or maybe it had to do with answers. Here is one good, solid answer I can stick on my door post, and touch it each time I go out into the world, to remind me that I “know.”<br /> In this week’s Gospel reading, the Sadducee baits Jesus. Jesus gives a traditional response with some elaborations. The Sadducee says, “Hey! You got it right!” Then Jesus pats the Sadducee on the head saying, “And you’re getting warm.”<br /> Are they playing the traditional men’s game of “being right”?<br /> I’ve heard it called the “men’s disease” – the need to have an “answer” for every question even if we have to make one up on the spot. I’d like to claim I don’t suffer from that particular affliction, but several women in my life read this essay. They might even argue that writers and editors give vocational expression to that syndrome.<br /> Jim Taylor once had a bumper sticker which read, “Editors have the last word.”<br /> Another colleague, which shall remain nameless, insists that research has been done which proves that a man’s penis actually shrinks when he says, “I don’t know.” Be that as it may, it is true that most men have a strong personal need to “know” and to be “right.”<br /> Is that why I tacked that mezuzah to my door? Like that Sadducee, I have the right answer. I know!<br /> As long as I don’t open that mezuzah and read the Shema – as long as I don’t remember that the operative word is “love,” I can live with that fantasy.<br /> Like the Sadducee, I live with the painful, hopeful sadness. I am “not far from the Kingdom.”<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor<br />Giving Up Our Roads<br /> Somewhere along the way, we made a terrible mistake.<br /> That realization came to me the other night, as I was walking the dog down the centre of a deserted road. You would think, to look at the blacktop rolled out so authoritatively, that the road had been here forever. But when you see that it wiggles to avoid trees that have stood in that place longer than the road has existed, when you see how it detours around rock outcrops, you realize that the road is a relative latecomer.<br /> In fact, most of our roads were foot trails long before they were roads. That’s particularly evident in old cities – like, say, London, England – where any resemblance to a grid system is laughable.<br /> The evolution of roads is most visible in unplanned communities like Bonavista, in Newfoundland. The first houses were built by fishermen, along the beach. Then merchants and tradespeople built houses on the marshland behind the beach. Wherever they could find lumps of higher ground, naturally. Paths evolved to connect the houses.<br /> Today, those wandering footpaths have become streets. A map of Bonavista resembles a child’s random scribbles.<br /> Because the roads were never planned as roads.<br /> Neither were most of ours. People walked those trails first. Later came horses and carts, but human feet still had the right of way.<br /> And then, somehow, we ceded our rights to the car. Now we have to get out of their way.<br /> Instead, we build special roadways for pedestrians. We call them sidewalks – places where people can walk without fear of being run down by a four-wheeled, gas-guzzling tin can that weighs two tons.<br /> Don’t get me wrong. I’m a child of the 150s – I love cars. But I worry that we have granted them a godlike status they don’t deserve.<br /> The situation reminds me of the biblical story of Jacob and Esau. Esau, you may remember, was the older brother. By law and tradition, he would inherit his father’s lands.<br /> But Jacob felt jealous. So one day when Esau came home from hunting, ravenous, Jacob tempted him with a simmering pot of savoury stew. “If you want this,” Jacob bargained, “give me your birthright.”<br /> Esau thought it was a joke. “Sure,” he said, knowing that mere words could not alter the fact that he was his father’s firstborn.<br /> Except that, in the end, he did lose his birthright.<br /> So did we.<br /> We gave up our right to own the roads. We allowed gimlet-eyed drivers, right foot firmly planted on the gas pedal, obsessed with getting to their destination a few seconds sooner – a tribe to which I often belong – to usurp our rightful place.<br /> Not only is the car a primary user of carbon-based fuel, it has become a parasite that has invaded our body politic. Life without the car has become unimaginable.<br /> The dog and I squeeze over onto the shoulder as a car roars by. I think I know how Esau might have felt.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Susan Heydt reports that a church in her community last Sunday the choir was slated to sing "Sin Ye, Joyfully."<br /> Susan, is that anything like Luther’s injunction to “sin boldly” that’s so often quoted out of context?<br /><br />Lois Carey of North Bay, Ontario, saw an announcement about a “goad to support this fund in 2009.”<br /> Well Lois, many congregations need a fair bit of goading.<br /><br />Elisabeth Jones of Montreal says she did this herself some years ago when she was a church secretary in Calgary. She advertised a Lenten Bible Study which would “explore<br />Jesus' journey to the cross via the Road to Calgary." <br /> On another occasion, Elisabeth typed a note about an event called, "The Future of the Untied Church"<br /> Elisabeth, one of the things that unites all those churches that have “United” in their names is that it has been typed as “untied” many times. I’ve gone one step further myself and found myself writing about the “untied cruch.”<br /> Do you suppose the Spirit is trying to tell us something?<br /><br />If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<br /><br />Wish I’d Said That! – It's faith in something and enthusiasm for something that makes a life worth living.<br /> source unknown via Margaret Wood<br /><br />Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each.<br /> Henry David Thoreau via Mary of Bahrain<br />Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.<br /> Mark Twain via Mary of Bahrain<br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />We Get Letters – This section of Rumors serves as a place to put stuff that doesn’t really fit anywhere else. Such as this note from Cliff Boldt of Courtnay, BC. He says, “Churchill got around calling people liars when he coined the phrase ‘terminological inexactitude.’”<br /><br />Velia Watts of Edmonton, Alberta writes: “A church acquaintance tells a story about her four-year-old granddaughter. She was questioning a younger cousin as to whether he had been baptized.”<br /> “He didn't know what that meant so she explained it all to him: ‘It's when this guy picks you up and gives you a shampoo in a bird bath.’”<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “thumpitty thump thump!”)<br />This piece called “Martin the German” by Chris P. Matthy comes from April Dailey and somebody named N. Martin. April says it’s for “10/25 Reformation Sunday for us Lutheran Types.”<br /> Because my weird mind always makes the most inappropriate connections, the last verse of this recalls the student who declared in a term paper that Luther “nailed his feces to the church door.” Never mind. Just sing it and don’t think of such things.<br /><br />(to the tune of “Frosty the Snowman”)<br /><br />Martin the German was a sorry, mixed up soul,<br />‘Cause he thought it odd that a loving God<br />Would condemn him straight to hell.<br /><br />Martin the German even took a sacred vow<br />When a lightning strike nearly took his life<br />But St. Anne stepped in somehow.<br /><br />It must have seemed like magic when<br />Old Habakkuk he found,<br />‘Cause when he read God saves by faith<br />He began to dance around.<br /><br />O, Martin the German felt reborn again that day,<br />And he spread the word from old Wittenberg<br />All the way to Rome, they say.<br /><br />Thumpitty thump thump, thumpitty thump thump,<br />Nail them to the door;<br />Thumpitty thump thump, thumpitty thump thump,<br />Hear those Theses roar!<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Bottom of the Barrel – Fred Brailey of Orangeville, Ontario sends this probably apocryphal item, and wonders whether the church can accept such ill-gotten gains. Fred, in the church where I worship, we’ve not had a lot of trouble with people putting thousand dollar offerings on the plate.<br /> One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am,” he said. “I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate." "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" "$10,000 a week." "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," "That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" "In Nevada,” the little old lady said proudly. “He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno "<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br /><br />Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – <a name="psalm_reading"></a><a name="epistle_reading"></a><a name="gospel_reading"></a>Mark 12:28-34<br />Reader 1: It sounds like a tennis match.<br />Reader 2: What sounds like a tennis match?<br />1: The scripture we’re supposed to read today.<br />2: Where do you get that? It’s Jesus talking to a bunch of Sadducees.<br />1: Sure, but it’s the traditional men’s game. Let’s prove that I am smarter than you. The clue is in the first verse. “Seeing that he answered them well.” And then in the last verse. Jesus serves an ace and it’s game over. It says it right there. “After that no one dared to ask him any question.”<br />2: Well, maybe. But you are missing the point of the passage. It’s not about who beats who in a debating game. Or at least, that shouldn’t matter to us now. It’s that Jesus gets down to the bare bones fundamental. The basic idea that is the foundation of the Christian faith. Love of God and love of neighbor. You don’t get more foundational than that.<br />1: In other words, if we don’t get today’s passage memorized and plugged into our psyche, we’re going to fry in hell?<br />2: You’re being ridiculous and you know it. Read the passage.<br />1: OK, OK.<br />SLIGHT PAUSE1: One of the scribes came near and heard them disputing with one another. Seeing that Jesus answered them well, the scribe asked him, "Which commandment is the first of all?"2: "The first is, 'Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God, the Lord is one; you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.' The second is this, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these."1: "You are right, Teacher; you have truly said that 'he is one, and besides him there is no other'; and 'to love him with all the heart, and with all the understanding, and with all the strength,' and 'to love one's neighbor as oneself,' – this is much more important than all whole burnt offerings and sacrifices."2: "You are not far from the kingdom of God."<br />1: After that no one dared to ask him any question.<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br />Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don't put anything else in that e-mail<br />To Unsubscribe:<br />* Send an e-mail to: <a href="mailto:rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com">rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com</a><br />* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.<br />Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Ralph Miltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13122073802667588184noreply@blogger.com0