R U M O R S # 569
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-09-27
September 27, 2009
LOVE AND MARRIAGE
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.
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The Story – take it seriously
Rumors – preaching the impossible
Soft Edges – beyond obedience
Bloopers – the cause of incontinence
We Get Letters – adequate would do
Mirabile Dictu! – hydraulic force
Bottom of the Barrel – singing lustily
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Mark 10:2-16
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – Bob Buchanan sends this chuckle.
Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church. "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
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These are the readings you will probably hear in church this coming Sunday, October 4th, which is Proper 22 [27].
* Job 1:1, 2:1-10 or Genesis 2:18-24
* Psalm 26 or Psalm 8
* Hebrews 1:1-4, 2:5-12
* Mark 10:2-16
Job 1:1, 2:1-10 – Why not save this reading, and sometime during the lectionary year, give it the attention it deserves. Maybe a couple of weeks from now when the lectionary calls for the “happy” ending. Then we could talk about the whole story and the problem of suffering. Perhaps have an actor or two from the congregation read a few choice portions of Archibald MacLeish’s, 1958 play, “JB.” And check out Rabbi Harold Kushner’s little book, “When Bad Things Happen to Good People.”
Then you’ll have the problem of cutting two hours worth of material down to sermon length.
Psalm 26: 1-12 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Nothing rankles more than an unjust accusation.
1 Do not punish me, God. I have been true to you.
I have trusted you; I have never doubted you for more than a moment.
2 If you don't believe me, test me.
Look into my heart and listen to my thoughts.
See for yourself that I have been faithful.
3 Can't you see that your love means everything to me?
Everything I do, I do for you.
4 I don't play around with pretence;
I don't flirt with false ideals.
5 I despise those who do wrong;
I avoid those who flaunt their faithlessness.
6 I wash my hands of them.
My hands are clean; I come to you with a clear conscience.
7 I constantly count my blessings;
I always speak well of you.
I bless the day you entered my life.
8 I glow when I am near you;
I bask in the sunshine of your smile.
9 Don't brush me off like dandruff;
don't dump me out with your garbage.
10 The trash can is full of people who cheat and swindle;
they deceive their friends; they play both ends against the middle.
11 But I am not like them.
12 I can hold my head high,
Because I have been faithful to you.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Hebrews 1:1-4, 2:5-12 – This passage is oozing heavy-duty theology. The main thing that pops out for me is the way in which we humans have been given responsibility for creation. We certainly would rather not have that. But we do, and I don’t think God is going to relieve us of that responsibility, much as we’d prefer that to happen.
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Mark 10:2-16
Jim says –
I love the story of Job – that is, the whole story of Job, and not just snippets of it. The whole story, unfortunately, is tediously wordy. Job’s friends use more words than a lawyer arguing a losing case. (For a very abbreviated paraphrase, write me, jimt@quixotic.ca)
So I’d rather go with Mark, a passage that can at least stand on its own.
This passage will make many hearers uncomfortable. At a guess, at least a third of any congregation will be divorced. An employment counsellor I once knew belonged to a church that expelled members whose marriages had broken, based on these verses from Mark. In the end, they had to change their theology, or have no congregation left.
So much for literalism...
And then Mark ends the passage with Jesus blessing the children. Why pair these two stories?
Perhaps there’s a practical angle – children are the primary victims of broken marriages.
Or perhaps it’s a theological connection. Divorces are most often about “Me” – my happiness, my fulfillment, my desires... In Jesus’ time, children had no “Me” to proclaim. They had no social status. Their desires didn’t rate. Perhaps Jesus is saying we need to come to him without any agenda of our own. We are simply present, to him, and to ourselves.
Ralph says –
Like Jim, I’ve always loved the Job legend. As long as we don’t read it as holy writ, but an inspired ancient tale of God and the satan (not Satan!) playing craps with Job’s life. There’s lots to be learned from it.
But, also like Jim, I would go with the gospel reading because it relates to issues and controversies we have in our lives right now.
It’s always been my contention that to read a controversial passage like this one (or the Job passage for that matter) and then not deal with it in the sermon, is downright wrong. Well, at least unwise. Those who paid attention when the passage was read will go home with a bunch of conflicting ideas in their heads.
This passage gives us a good opportunity to check out our denominational policies on marriage and divorce, and to give them a good airing. Very few pew-warmers know what they are, especially now that so many folks slide easily from one denomination to another.
As a society, Canadians take the whole matter of marriage and divorce much too lightly. I think that’s true in most urban west-European societies. It’s easily done and easily dissolved, and gradually stops having much meaning. Legally, marriage and co-habitation amount to the same thing in most of these countries. They’ve moved a long, long way from what Jesus was talking about.
I don’t know what I am advocating. There’s good argument for the churches getting out of the marriage business altogether. There’s also good argument for churches digging in and making marriage and divorce much more important and religiously significant. Perhaps churches should not do marriages for any couple who are not prepared to look deeply at the spiritual significance of what they are doing.
That would mean that most couples would opt for a civil wedding. But a few would really take it seriously.
Very few.
The whole story of Job is told for children in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 205. And it picks up the second half of the gospel reading in a story called “Jesus and the Children” on page 207.
Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – Those of you who are preachers – I don’t envy you your job. There are lots of things in pastoral work that I would love to do if only I had the skills, but preaching on Mark 10:2-12 is not one of them. (13-16 is a piece of cake!)
But as a pew sitter, I really need to hear that preached on. Because I am confused and worried, I’m angry and disappointed, I’m frustrated and disillusioned. And I want you to set it all right for me in one perfectly clear 20 minute sermon.
Of course I do! As soon as I say that, I know how true it is. I want you to give me 20 minutes of – whatever – so that I can go home with all my “stuff” sorted out.
And yes, I also realize that puts a ridiculously impossible trip on you, as my pastor. But that’s what I’d like. I also know that if you have half a wit, you wouldn’t do that. You wouldn’t even try.
This is one of those times when the intimate connection between preaching and pastoring is critical. If I were to be a guest preacher somewhere next Sunday (I’m not.), I hope I’d have the sense to say, “Pick another lection. That’s not an appropriate passage for a guest preacher.”
The passage is a minefield. The only way a preacher can walk through it is as a pastor. Even then, it’s dangerous.
Maybe what I really want is a sermon about minefields and mine detectors – about values and justice – about love. I need to know that the preacher also doesn’t know where the land mines are.
I’ll only know that if the preacher and I are together in community. And that will help me to know that when I step on one of those mines (and I will) that I can count on the community to care for me in my bloody pain, and stand by me while I learn to walk on one leg or to type with one hand.
Above all, I need help to stop running away from my own fear and confusion.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Beyond Obedience
“What’s this ‘emerging church’ we keep hearing about?” two acquaintances challenged me earlier this summer.
“Emerging paradigm,” I corrected them. “It’s not a new church – it’s mostly the freedom not to believe some things that no longer make sense.”
I offered examples – that God created the universe in its present form in seven 24-hour days; that half of Jesus’ DNA came from a being who doesn’t have human DNA; that Jesus levitated into the sky...
“But that means,” one of them interrupted, “that you don’t believe the Bible is the Word of God!”
“I believe the Bible contains the word of God,” I replied. “But by its own account, it also contains the words of the devil.”
The conversation quickly veered off into safer topics.
But I kept thinking about that conversation.
Matthew, Mark, and Luke all quote words purportedly said by Satan, tempting Jesus. The book of Job quotes Satan, bargaining with God.
Do those words carry the same authority as the words attributed to God, simply because they are in the Bible?
I’ve read, occasionally, about satanic worship cults. Their rituals sounded like parodies of a High Mass or Eucharist.
A friend who died not long ago believed that she had been a victim of a satanic cult in her youth. I wondered what they used as their sacred text.
“The Bible, of course,” she replied.
I was surprised.
“Well,” she explained, “if you wanted to hide something, where it couldn’t be removed or changed, what could be a better place than in a book that Christians consider too holy to question?”
That actually makes sense. If I wanted to destroy a divine power, I certainly wouldn’t advertise my intentions openly. That would be as self-defeating as walking into airport security with a placard that says, “I am a terrorist suicide bomber.”
But once you acknowledge that some parts of the Bible may not be as authoritative as others, doesn’t every other part become suspect? It’s called the “domino effect” – a chain reaction where one falling domino causes all the rest to topple.
Of course. But it raises the possibility that God expects more from us than just obedience. Maybe God expects us to think, too.
I actually do believe that some writings preserved in the Bible misunderstood God’s intentions. Because they came from a ruthless culture, they assumed that God wanted them to commit genocide. They took for granted that God would seek revenge. They assumed that God belonged only to them.
But that’s not a problem, if I see the Bible as a progressive unfolding of God’s desires. So it moves from massive retaliation, to limited retaliation –an eye for an eye, but not more – to forgiving one’s enemies, to loving one’s enemies. It goes from endorsing slavery, to recognizing slaves’ rights, to rejecting distinctions between slave and free.
If I had my way, I’d want Bibles sold without back covers – to remind us that our gradually growing understanding of God’s intentions did not end 19 centuries ago.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Thom Carnahan of Canora spotted an apology from a church secretary about the newsletter. “We hope it did not cause anyone any undo incontinence.”
Nancy Best of Quyon, Quebec is a student minister working on a three-point rural charge, so she gets to type all her own bulletins. Recently she listed an old favorite. “Live Divine, All Love Excelling.”
Which, Nancy observes, is not bad advice to follow.
Barb Bruning read in a church calendar about a leader who was to be attending the “Lazy Leader Transforms Americatraining which is open to anyone who wants to learn more about creating happy volunteers and being a good leader.”
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – People say to us, “Oh, I grew up with your music, and we often say, sotto voce, “So did we.”
Folksinger Mary Travers of Peter, Paul and Mary, via Wayne Holst and Jim Taylor.
Christine Wilson of Vancouver, BC says last Sunday her minister asked all parents to provide their e-mail addresses, ‘in case one of the children has a communicable disease we want to communicate it to everyone.”
Christine also says, “Beware the spell checker! In my niece’s church school calendar the day before the first day of Lent is marked as ‘Strove’ Tuesday.”
Mack speaking to God. “Why is there such an emphasis on you being a Father? It seems to be the way you most reveal yourself.”
“We knew, once the Creation was broken, true fathering would be much more lacking than mothering. Both are needed. But an emphasis on fathering is necessary because of the enormity of its absence.”
William P. Young in “The Shack” via Bev Milton
The roots of happiness grow deepest in the sod of service. Some folks give the impression they were baptized in vinegar.
source unknown, via Evelyn McLachlan
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We Get Letters – Dave Feick has a further note about the exchange with Lois Seimens and the Superb Mennonite Church. Says Dave, “Did you notice that Lois Siemens, in her humility, failed to mention that she is the Superb pastor? Try living with that title for a while!”
Dave, I think most of us would settle for “adequate.”
Delmer Epp of Winnipeg, Manitoba says he and his wife were married in the Superb Mennonite Church more than 40 years ago. “After getting married in Superb we did not go to Climax, Saskatchewan for our honeymoon.”
Delmer says the tiny congregation was devastated when vandals broke into the building and totally trashed the washroom. "We have nothing to go on," the pastor lamented.
Benchuck Manning in "The Woods," West Virginia says his “attention really perked up when you related the rib tickler that had the punch line ‘I'm in sales, not management.’ I used to use that line consistently during the days of my Army Chaplaincy on those occasions when commanders would ask me for off the wall prayers e.g. "Chaplain, would you pray for the rain to stop?"
Well? Did you? And did it?
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “hydraulic force!”)
Mindy Ehrke says these made her smile. Or cry a little.
* Cigarette: A bit of dried plant rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
* Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
* Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
* Conference: The confusion of one person multiplied by the number present.
* Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.
* Tears: The hydraulic force by which the will-power of one is defeated by the water power of another.
* Dictionary: The only place where success comes before work.
* Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
* Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
* Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
* Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
* Yawn: The only time some married people ever get to open their mouth in the presence of their spouse.
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Bottom of the Barrel – Dave Edwards of Camrose, Alberta isn’t totally sure this happened, but if it didn’t, it should have.
Dave, this is about a choir that sings “lustily.” The choir I sing in has brand new black gowns and so we don’t do “lustily.” “With spirit,” is as wild as we get.
Anyway, here’s Dave’s story.
The choir were singing lustily in procession as they marched down the aisle into church. The last of the sopranos caught her heel in the open furnace grate in the middle of the aisle. She reached down to free her shoe but it was caught too firmly, so with great presence of mind she slipped off the other shoe and kept on going.
The tenor behind her saw what had happened and reached back as he passed to rescue the shoes. Unfortunately the whole grate came up in his hand, and the first of the basses, who was concentrating on his hymn book, stepped into the hole.
Since he was a man of traditional build, he got himself firmly stuck and eventually they had to call the volunteer fire department to get him out.
And the minister, with rare good sense, said the benediction and led the way downstairs for coffee.
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Mark 10:2-16
Reader 1: There seem to be two distinct topics in today’s reading. The first one is all about divorce, and the second is all about kids. Or is there a connection I’m missing?
Reader 2: Could it be because children are the victims in so many broken marriages.
1: Well, divorces are often about selfishness. Each partner concerned primarily about themselves.
2: It seems that way. When you talk to someone who has been divorced, they often talk about the selfishness of the other person. Me, Me, Me. In reality, that selfishness sometimes goes both ways.
1. Maybe Jesus brought children into the conversation because in his time, children couldn’t say, “Me, Me.” They were at the bottom of the social ladder, and it didn’t really matter what happened to them. Maybe Jesus is saying that we need to come to him without any agenda of our own. Like the children, we simply had to be there. To be present.
2: Well, let’s read the passage. It’s from the tenth chapter of the gospel of Mark.
(SHORT PAUSE)
1: Some Pharisees came, and wanted to test Jesus.
2. "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?"
1: "What did Moses command you?"
2: "Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of dismissal and to divorce her."
1: "Because of your hardness of heart he wrote this commandment for you. But from the beginning of creation, 'God made them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."
2: Then, when they went inside a house the disciples asked him again about this matter.
1: "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another, commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery."
2: People were bringing little children to him in order that he might touch them; and the disciples spoke sternly to them, telling them to keep the children away. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant.
1: "Let the little children come to me; do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs. Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will never enter it."
2: Then Jesus took the children up in his arms, laid his hands on them, and blessed them.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Preaching Matrials for September 27th, 2009
R U M O R S # 568
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-09-20
September 20, 2009
BRAVERY
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.
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The Story – two brave women
Rumors – another kind of courage
Soft Edges – when possibilities open up
Bloopers – labs and lavs
We Get Letters – a superb church
Mirabile Dictu! – nose hair
Bottom of the Barrel – tired of Chardonnay
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Esther 7:1-6, 9-10; 9:20-22
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – This from Evelyn McLachlan.
Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony.
When it was over, she asked her mother, “Why did the lady change her mind?”
“What do you mean?”
"Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, September 27th, which is Proper 21 [26].
* Esther 7:1-6, 9-10; 9:20-22 or Numbers 11:4-6, 10-16, 24-29
* Psalm 124 or Psalm 19:7-14
* James 5:13-20
* Mark 9:38-50
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Esther 7:1-6, 9-10; 9:20-22
Ralph says –
I know. You are not surprised that I chose the Esther story.
The problem is, the reading begins right smack dab in the middle. And the Lectionary leaves out entirely the story of Vashti (1:1-22). Vashti’s story is the earliest one I know of a strong feminist who refused to be paraded in front of a gang of slobbering drunks. Vashti’s story is included in “The Lectionary Story Bible” however (p.201, Year B).
Our Jewish sisters and brothers celebrate the feast of Purim each year to honor the heroism of Esther, a woman who risked her life to save her people. “It is celebrated by feasting and merriment, almsgiving, sending food to neighbors and friends, and chanting the text of Esther. It is perhaps the most joyous day of the Jewish year, with masquerades, plays, and drinking of wine even in the synagogue.” (Microsoft® Encarta® Reference Library 2003.) Check out the Reader’s Theatre version below. It has a summary of the first part of the story, which you could use as an intro to the rest of it, even if you don’t want to do the Reader’s Theatre thing.
Esther’s story would be a good basis to reflect on the meaning of heroism, focusing particularly on those whose heroism is lived out quietly day by day by day and most often without recognition by anyone. Often not even recognized by themselves. I was about to say that these heroes are more often women, but I don’t know that.
God knows.
Jim says –
Esther has a great story – and telling it could go a long way to helping Christians understand more about their Jewish neighbours – but reading just this one passage out of the middle of the whole story is like telling the tale of One Little Pig.
Which leaves me with Mark to preach about. And this ain’t easy. Because Jesus is indulging in wild exaggeration. If we took his instructions literally, we’d all be hobbling around on one leg, squinting with one eye, and shaking hands left-handed. As well, most men would have no genitals left.
A teenaged girl once asked me: “I like boys. What part of me do I cut off?”
Despite my jaundiced views, surgery is a valid analogy for Jesus’ message. I’m better off without an inflamed appendix. Others have lost a gall bladder, kidney, uterus, breast lump, tonsils, brain tumours... Terry Fox lost a leg, in an attempt to halt the cancer in his system; he still managed to run a marathon a day, halfway across Canada, before cancer caught up with him.
But this is not really about body parts. I think it’s more about breaking bad habits. When you realize that smoking or drinking, sugar or caffeine, are not good for you, how do you quit? (How do we men stop thinking of ourselves as God’s gift to women?) What kind of self-discipline does quitting demand? Where do you get the strength to swim against the cultural stream, to be different, to resist social pressures?
As Jesus assures us, life becomes fuller when we excise anything that causes our innate goodness, our godliness, to shrivel within us.
Psalm 124 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 The odds were stacked against us from the beginning.
2 The great corporations strung us a good line
about caring for us, about bringing prosperity.
But they really meant prosperity for themselves.
When the profits looked better somewhere else,
they abandoned us. They always do.
3 The powerful nations promised us freedom;
they loaned us millions for a fresh start.
now we are enslaved by our debt.
They will not free us.
4 The arms makers sold us weapons
to protect ourselves against our neighbors.
They sold weapons to our neighbors,
to protect themselves against us.
5 Now our former friends are a threat.
We need more, and more, and more.
6 The only one not in this for private gain is God.
7 If we have retained any faith in human nature,
in justice, in our own identity,
8 it is because of God.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
James 5:13-20 – This is where we get the phrase “will cover a multitude of sins.” Everyone, especially writers, has techniques and methods (often unknown to themselves) to “cover a multitude of sins.” No, I’m not going to tell you what mine are.
This is a little homily on prayer and how it may be used. It does kind of imply that, like Elijah, if we pray hard enough we can control of the weather. I hope that’s not true because who do you know who is wise enough to be given that kind of power?
Mark 9:38-50 – Every once in awhile – no, quite often actually – one verse of scripture kind of leaps out and grabs you. For me this time, it’s verse 42 about putting stumbling blocks before the little ones.
I’m quite sure I’ve done that. One on one with my own children and grand children, and to thousands through the bible story books I’ve published.
For that matter, who hasn’t? And most of the time we don’t even know it. Most of the time we do it with the best of intentions. Most of the time we have no alternative but to take that risk because “these little ones” are placed in our care even though as parents, teachers, friends, leaders – we are all rank amateurs.
Once again, all we can do is plead for grace. Once again, we know it is given.
For children see the story of Vashti and Esther in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 199.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – There are times when you simply have to sit back and count your blessings. For me, this is one of those times.
It’s one of those times because I need to report that the blessing of “normal” is back to the point where I don’t notice it anymore. The assorted side-effects from the epilepsy medication seem to be working themselves out. A little time and patience was all it took. So I am happy to report that for the most part, life is back to normal.
Among the blessings are many of you Rumors readers who sent gentle, kind, caring notes. Many of you who are living with chronic illnesses and the pain that goes with them. It is amazing to me, and something of a miracle, that you find the space in your heart to reach out in love to someone whose struggles are so tiny by comparison.
Every once in awhile there’s a story in the news paper or on TV about someone who has rescued another from drowning or fire. I don’t mean to discount them. Those people are heroes.
Nor do I mean to discount the bravery and heroism of the people in our armed forces who over the years and right now deserve the title of hero.
But their bravery – their heroism – pales in comparison to the bravery and heroism of people whose entire lives requires of them, every day, to lay aside the palpable fear they encounter when they wake up each morning. Somehow they summon the sheer guts to do what they do. And for the most part, there is nobody there to offer a caring hand, or a hug, or a word of appreciation. There is certainly nobody there to pin a medal on them. There will probably never be a medal.
All of this springs out of reflecting on Esther and Vashti. One mis-step. One word out of place would have meant death for Esther and her people.
But there is an even greater courage in the story of Vashti, and I find myself feeling angry because her story is almost never told. She’s not even mentioned in the lectionary. I’ve never heard her mentioned from the pulpit.
Vashti was Queen of Persia. The King was throwing the grand-daddy of all parties. He told his eunuchs to go tell Vashti to put on her crown and come and show herself to all his drunken buddies, for “she was fair to behold.”
She refused. Can we even imagine the courage it took for her to say “no.” The king was all powerful. She had absolutely no power except the power within herself.
All she had to do was to put her sense of self – her dignity – her pride – on hold for an hour or two and do a little dance in front of the king’s slobbering friends. Could that be so bad? Would it have killed her?
But Vashti saw herself as something more than a piece of meat. Something more than a “boy toy.” Vashti said, “no.” And with that single word she banished herself from the palace. She was out on the street with nothing but the clothes on her back – if that. And it seems to me that Vashti was first feminist – the foremother of all the women who dug down inside themselves and found the courage to say “no.” And face the consequences.
It’s time her story was told!
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
When Possibilities Open Up
The mountain that rises across the lake from us has no name – at least, none that I know of. It is, in truth, little more than a rocky ridge, its lower slopes densely forested, its upper reaches craggy, a great whale-backed hump that blocks our view of more distant ranges.
It looks like a single solid mass. But sometimes, a shaft of setting sun or a particular sifting of low-slung clouds reveals that it is actually two ridges – one nearer, one farther.
Often, I have wished I could fly. I have wished I could float effortlessly above those ridges, to see what’s on the other side, to see where the valleys run, whether there are streams and roads and perhaps even people of whom I know nothing...
But I can’t fly.
I could, of course, pull on my hiking boots and scramble up those rugged slopes to the top, so that I could peer over the edge and satisfy my curiosity.
But I haven’t done it. In my inertia, I am like most people, I suspect. Few of us feel driven to explore the farther reaches of our curiosity.
Perhaps we’re afraid of what we might find there.
The closing lines of a sonnet by English poet John Keats come to mind:
Or like stout Cortez when with eagle eyes He star'd at the Pacific – and all his men Look'd at each other with a wild surmise – Silent, upon a peak in Darien.
Keats was wrong about one thing. It was Vasco Núñez de Balboa, not Hernan Cortes, who first struggled to the top of that peak in Panama and became the first European to see the Pacific Ocean.
But Keats was absolutely right about that “wild surmise,” that stunned realization that there lay before them an ocean they had never imagined, an ocean that would prove bigger than any sea they had yet experienced.
Every now and then, other explorers have similar experiences. Not necessarily geographic explorers, but explorers of the mind, of the unknown. Madame Curie discovers radioactively. Isaac Newton identifies gravity. Aristotle defines the rules of logic. Galileo sees the moons of Jupiter. Freud squints into the human subconscious. Darwin outlines evolution. Tuzo Wilson imagines continents drifting across the earth’s surface...
And previously unimagined vistas open up.
But as I said, not many people go there. And when those “explorers” do come back from their personal “peaks in Darien,” the rest of us tend to ridicule them. It’s not possible, we cry. It’s contrary to our daily experience. We can see with our own eyes that the world is flat, and fixed, that the sun goes around the earth, that human beings are not animals, that our race is superior, that same-sex anything is a filthy sin...
We don’t need to go there, we say.
And so, instead of gazing “at each other with a wild surmise,” we prefer to keep our eyes firmly blinkered; we prefer not to see the vast ocean of possibilities opening out before us.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Dick Cridlebaugh of East Peoria, USA, saw it in the local paper. It seems a local family had “adopted an 18 month old laboratory retriever named Sport.”
Well, you know how it is, Dick. Those laboratories tend to lose their way and forget what they were trying to find, and so need retrieval.
In a follow-up note, Dick wrote: “As I was out pondering life while mowing, I decided it is a good thing they did not adopt a lavatory retriever!”
The Ladies Society will be selling their new cookbook at the church supper this Wednesday night. The proceeds will help purchase a stomach pump for our community hospital.
A church maintenance worker left a note attached to a receipt in the office for the Church secretary. The note read: "Van Battery died." The Secretary dutifully typed into the bulletin: "The Church was saddened to hear of the passing of Van Battery. Our condolences go to the whole Battery family."
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – Laughter is a smile that burst!
source unknown via Evelyn McLachlan
The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them. That's the essence of inhumanity:
George Bernard Shaw via Jim Taylor
I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.
Thomas Jefferson via Stephani Keer
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We Get Letters – Doug Mitchell of Marmora, Ontario writes: “I was at a funeral yesterday for a good friend. His son, who is a backhoe operator, said he was anxious to get back to work, because it was quiet and he felt grounded in his work. My wife added that he makes the earth move when he's working. I'm amazed at the humour that is present in times of grief.”
I wrote to Lois Siemens asking about the delightful name of her church – The Superb Mennonite Church. She wrote: “The name of the church does seem rather proud for a Mennonite congregation. The name of the town where the church began was called Superb, Saskatchewan. The town is no longer, but the church lives on.”
Steph McClellan of Gander, Newfoundland writes; “Thanks for the toast and the prayers for your chronic friends, Ralph!! Of course I mean, friends with chronic pain, but today is one of those days. ‘Chronic friends’ is what came out and it made me laugh!”
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “nose hair!”)
The sermons I’ve been hearing lately are entirely too good, so I offer the following really awful analogies to clergy who may wish to use them to degrade an otherwise reasonably adequate homily.
* His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
* Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
* He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
* The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
* McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a plastic bag filled with vegetable soup.
* From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
* She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook-latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
* Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
* Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
* He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
* The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
* Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”
* John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
* The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
* The red-brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
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Bottom of the Barrel – This from Robert Moore of Acton, Massachusetts.
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
''Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Esther 7:1-6, 9-10; 9:20-22
Reader 1: This is one of those instances where we have to tell the story before we can tell the story. Because the suggested lectionary reading begins in the middle.
Reader 2: Maybe the folks who designed the lectionary did that because the whole story would be too long and wouldn’t leave enough time for a sermon.
1: Weeelllll……!
2: Don’t go there.
1: Hmmmph. Well, OK. Let’s do a summary of the story of Esther – which is the story of a very brave woman.
1: It begins with a kind of beauty contest. They gather the most beautiful women from the whole kingdom, and the king finally chooses Esther. He didn’t know that Esther was Jewish. Esther didn’t tell him.
2: Esther had an Uncle. Mordecai. Mordecai didn’t get along too well with the King’s first minister, Haman. Haman was a bit of a stuffed shirt, and wanted everyone to bow and scrape to him, but Mordecai refused.
1: “God made me. God made Haman. God made all of us. So why should I bow down to Haman or to anybody else.”
2: That made Haman furious. He vowed to get even, not just with Mordecai but with all the Jewish people. He flattered and cajoled the king.
1: There are people here in Persia who don’t obey your laws. They worship their own God and they celebrate different feasts than the people of Persia.
2: So what should we do with them?
1: We should eliminate them all. They are a danger to you and your kingdom.
2: Do whatever you think is best.
1: Now the plot thickens.
2: Mordecai heard this. Secretly he made contact with Esther.
1: You’ve got to do something. Somehow you’ve got to persuade the king not to kill all our people.
2: So Esther cooked up a really nice dinner for the king. All his favorites. All the fixin’s. The king loved it. But he ate just a bit too much and couldn’t sleep that night. He picked up a book and while flipping through it, came upon the story of how Mordecai had saved the kings life.
1: The next night, Esther had laid on another great spread for the king. His First Minister Haman was with him. In the course of the conversation, the king happened to mention the book he’d been reading and how this man Mordecai had saved his life.
2: Haman was squirming under his expensive suit, let me tell you. But he said nothing.
1: But the king was having a good time. He drank more wine and ate more food and after awhile he turned and spoke to Queen Esther.
And here we pick the story up from the book of Esther.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
2: "What is your petition, Queen Esther? It shall be granted you. And what is your request? Even to the half of my kingdom, it shall be fulfilled."1: If I have won your favor, O king, and if it pleases the king, let my life be given me – that is my petition – and the lives of my people – that is my request. For we have been sold, I and my people, to be destroyed, to be killed, and to be annihilated. If we had been sold merely as slaves, men and women, I would have held my peace; but no enemy can compensate for this damage to the king."2: "Who is this person who is trying to kill you and your people? And where is he. Who has presumed to do this?"1: "A foe and enemy, this wicked Haman!"
2: Then Haman was terrified before the king and the queen.1: Harbona, one of the eunuchs in attendance on the king, spoke up. "Look, the very gallows that Haman has prepared for Mordecai, whose word saved the king, stands at Haman's house, fifty cubits high."
2: "Hang him on that."1: So they hanged Haman on the gallows that he had prepared for Mordecai. Then the anger of the king abated.2: Mordecai recorded these things, and sent letters to all the Jews who were in all the provinces both near and far, enjoining them that they should keep the fourteenth day of the month Adar and also the fifteenth day of the same month, year by year, as the days on which the Jews gained relief from their enemies, and as the month that had been turned for them from sorrow into gladness and from mourning into a holiday; that they should make them days of feasting and gladness, days for sending gifts of food to one another and presents to the poor.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-09-20
September 20, 2009
BRAVERY
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.
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The Story – two brave women
Rumors – another kind of courage
Soft Edges – when possibilities open up
Bloopers – labs and lavs
We Get Letters – a superb church
Mirabile Dictu! – nose hair
Bottom of the Barrel – tired of Chardonnay
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Esther 7:1-6, 9-10; 9:20-22
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – This from Evelyn McLachlan.
Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony.
When it was over, she asked her mother, “Why did the lady change her mind?”
“What do you mean?”
"Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, September 27th, which is Proper 21 [26].
* Esther 7:1-6, 9-10; 9:20-22 or Numbers 11:4-6, 10-16, 24-29
* Psalm 124 or Psalm 19:7-14
* James 5:13-20
* Mark 9:38-50
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Esther 7:1-6, 9-10; 9:20-22
Ralph says –
I know. You are not surprised that I chose the Esther story.
The problem is, the reading begins right smack dab in the middle. And the Lectionary leaves out entirely the story of Vashti (1:1-22). Vashti’s story is the earliest one I know of a strong feminist who refused to be paraded in front of a gang of slobbering drunks. Vashti’s story is included in “The Lectionary Story Bible” however (p.201, Year B).
Our Jewish sisters and brothers celebrate the feast of Purim each year to honor the heroism of Esther, a woman who risked her life to save her people. “It is celebrated by feasting and merriment, almsgiving, sending food to neighbors and friends, and chanting the text of Esther. It is perhaps the most joyous day of the Jewish year, with masquerades, plays, and drinking of wine even in the synagogue.” (Microsoft® Encarta® Reference Library 2003.) Check out the Reader’s Theatre version below. It has a summary of the first part of the story, which you could use as an intro to the rest of it, even if you don’t want to do the Reader’s Theatre thing.
Esther’s story would be a good basis to reflect on the meaning of heroism, focusing particularly on those whose heroism is lived out quietly day by day by day and most often without recognition by anyone. Often not even recognized by themselves. I was about to say that these heroes are more often women, but I don’t know that.
God knows.
Jim says –
Esther has a great story – and telling it could go a long way to helping Christians understand more about their Jewish neighbours – but reading just this one passage out of the middle of the whole story is like telling the tale of One Little Pig.
Which leaves me with Mark to preach about. And this ain’t easy. Because Jesus is indulging in wild exaggeration. If we took his instructions literally, we’d all be hobbling around on one leg, squinting with one eye, and shaking hands left-handed. As well, most men would have no genitals left.
A teenaged girl once asked me: “I like boys. What part of me do I cut off?”
Despite my jaundiced views, surgery is a valid analogy for Jesus’ message. I’m better off without an inflamed appendix. Others have lost a gall bladder, kidney, uterus, breast lump, tonsils, brain tumours... Terry Fox lost a leg, in an attempt to halt the cancer in his system; he still managed to run a marathon a day, halfway across Canada, before cancer caught up with him.
But this is not really about body parts. I think it’s more about breaking bad habits. When you realize that smoking or drinking, sugar or caffeine, are not good for you, how do you quit? (How do we men stop thinking of ourselves as God’s gift to women?) What kind of self-discipline does quitting demand? Where do you get the strength to swim against the cultural stream, to be different, to resist social pressures?
As Jesus assures us, life becomes fuller when we excise anything that causes our innate goodness, our godliness, to shrivel within us.
Psalm 124 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 The odds were stacked against us from the beginning.
2 The great corporations strung us a good line
about caring for us, about bringing prosperity.
But they really meant prosperity for themselves.
When the profits looked better somewhere else,
they abandoned us. They always do.
3 The powerful nations promised us freedom;
they loaned us millions for a fresh start.
now we are enslaved by our debt.
They will not free us.
4 The arms makers sold us weapons
to protect ourselves against our neighbors.
They sold weapons to our neighbors,
to protect themselves against us.
5 Now our former friends are a threat.
We need more, and more, and more.
6 The only one not in this for private gain is God.
7 If we have retained any faith in human nature,
in justice, in our own identity,
8 it is because of God.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
James 5:13-20 – This is where we get the phrase “will cover a multitude of sins.” Everyone, especially writers, has techniques and methods (often unknown to themselves) to “cover a multitude of sins.” No, I’m not going to tell you what mine are.
This is a little homily on prayer and how it may be used. It does kind of imply that, like Elijah, if we pray hard enough we can control of the weather. I hope that’s not true because who do you know who is wise enough to be given that kind of power?
Mark 9:38-50 – Every once in awhile – no, quite often actually – one verse of scripture kind of leaps out and grabs you. For me this time, it’s verse 42 about putting stumbling blocks before the little ones.
I’m quite sure I’ve done that. One on one with my own children and grand children, and to thousands through the bible story books I’ve published.
For that matter, who hasn’t? And most of the time we don’t even know it. Most of the time we do it with the best of intentions. Most of the time we have no alternative but to take that risk because “these little ones” are placed in our care even though as parents, teachers, friends, leaders – we are all rank amateurs.
Once again, all we can do is plead for grace. Once again, we know it is given.
For children see the story of Vashti and Esther in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 199.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – There are times when you simply have to sit back and count your blessings. For me, this is one of those times.
It’s one of those times because I need to report that the blessing of “normal” is back to the point where I don’t notice it anymore. The assorted side-effects from the epilepsy medication seem to be working themselves out. A little time and patience was all it took. So I am happy to report that for the most part, life is back to normal.
Among the blessings are many of you Rumors readers who sent gentle, kind, caring notes. Many of you who are living with chronic illnesses and the pain that goes with them. It is amazing to me, and something of a miracle, that you find the space in your heart to reach out in love to someone whose struggles are so tiny by comparison.
Every once in awhile there’s a story in the news paper or on TV about someone who has rescued another from drowning or fire. I don’t mean to discount them. Those people are heroes.
Nor do I mean to discount the bravery and heroism of the people in our armed forces who over the years and right now deserve the title of hero.
But their bravery – their heroism – pales in comparison to the bravery and heroism of people whose entire lives requires of them, every day, to lay aside the palpable fear they encounter when they wake up each morning. Somehow they summon the sheer guts to do what they do. And for the most part, there is nobody there to offer a caring hand, or a hug, or a word of appreciation. There is certainly nobody there to pin a medal on them. There will probably never be a medal.
All of this springs out of reflecting on Esther and Vashti. One mis-step. One word out of place would have meant death for Esther and her people.
But there is an even greater courage in the story of Vashti, and I find myself feeling angry because her story is almost never told. She’s not even mentioned in the lectionary. I’ve never heard her mentioned from the pulpit.
Vashti was Queen of Persia. The King was throwing the grand-daddy of all parties. He told his eunuchs to go tell Vashti to put on her crown and come and show herself to all his drunken buddies, for “she was fair to behold.”
She refused. Can we even imagine the courage it took for her to say “no.” The king was all powerful. She had absolutely no power except the power within herself.
All she had to do was to put her sense of self – her dignity – her pride – on hold for an hour or two and do a little dance in front of the king’s slobbering friends. Could that be so bad? Would it have killed her?
But Vashti saw herself as something more than a piece of meat. Something more than a “boy toy.” Vashti said, “no.” And with that single word she banished herself from the palace. She was out on the street with nothing but the clothes on her back – if that. And it seems to me that Vashti was first feminist – the foremother of all the women who dug down inside themselves and found the courage to say “no.” And face the consequences.
It’s time her story was told!
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
When Possibilities Open Up
The mountain that rises across the lake from us has no name – at least, none that I know of. It is, in truth, little more than a rocky ridge, its lower slopes densely forested, its upper reaches craggy, a great whale-backed hump that blocks our view of more distant ranges.
It looks like a single solid mass. But sometimes, a shaft of setting sun or a particular sifting of low-slung clouds reveals that it is actually two ridges – one nearer, one farther.
Often, I have wished I could fly. I have wished I could float effortlessly above those ridges, to see what’s on the other side, to see where the valleys run, whether there are streams and roads and perhaps even people of whom I know nothing...
But I can’t fly.
I could, of course, pull on my hiking boots and scramble up those rugged slopes to the top, so that I could peer over the edge and satisfy my curiosity.
But I haven’t done it. In my inertia, I am like most people, I suspect. Few of us feel driven to explore the farther reaches of our curiosity.
Perhaps we’re afraid of what we might find there.
The closing lines of a sonnet by English poet John Keats come to mind:
Or like stout Cortez when with eagle eyes He star'd at the Pacific – and all his men Look'd at each other with a wild surmise – Silent, upon a peak in Darien.
Keats was wrong about one thing. It was Vasco Núñez de Balboa, not Hernan Cortes, who first struggled to the top of that peak in Panama and became the first European to see the Pacific Ocean.
But Keats was absolutely right about that “wild surmise,” that stunned realization that there lay before them an ocean they had never imagined, an ocean that would prove bigger than any sea they had yet experienced.
Every now and then, other explorers have similar experiences. Not necessarily geographic explorers, but explorers of the mind, of the unknown. Madame Curie discovers radioactively. Isaac Newton identifies gravity. Aristotle defines the rules of logic. Galileo sees the moons of Jupiter. Freud squints into the human subconscious. Darwin outlines evolution. Tuzo Wilson imagines continents drifting across the earth’s surface...
And previously unimagined vistas open up.
But as I said, not many people go there. And when those “explorers” do come back from their personal “peaks in Darien,” the rest of us tend to ridicule them. It’s not possible, we cry. It’s contrary to our daily experience. We can see with our own eyes that the world is flat, and fixed, that the sun goes around the earth, that human beings are not animals, that our race is superior, that same-sex anything is a filthy sin...
We don’t need to go there, we say.
And so, instead of gazing “at each other with a wild surmise,” we prefer to keep our eyes firmly blinkered; we prefer not to see the vast ocean of possibilities opening out before us.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Dick Cridlebaugh of East Peoria, USA, saw it in the local paper. It seems a local family had “adopted an 18 month old laboratory retriever named Sport.”
Well, you know how it is, Dick. Those laboratories tend to lose their way and forget what they were trying to find, and so need retrieval.
In a follow-up note, Dick wrote: “As I was out pondering life while mowing, I decided it is a good thing they did not adopt a lavatory retriever!”
The Ladies Society will be selling their new cookbook at the church supper this Wednesday night. The proceeds will help purchase a stomach pump for our community hospital.
A church maintenance worker left a note attached to a receipt in the office for the Church secretary. The note read: "Van Battery died." The Secretary dutifully typed into the bulletin: "The Church was saddened to hear of the passing of Van Battery. Our condolences go to the whole Battery family."
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – Laughter is a smile that burst!
source unknown via Evelyn McLachlan
The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them. That's the essence of inhumanity:
George Bernard Shaw via Jim Taylor
I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.
Thomas Jefferson via Stephani Keer
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We Get Letters – Doug Mitchell of Marmora, Ontario writes: “I was at a funeral yesterday for a good friend. His son, who is a backhoe operator, said he was anxious to get back to work, because it was quiet and he felt grounded in his work. My wife added that he makes the earth move when he's working. I'm amazed at the humour that is present in times of grief.”
I wrote to Lois Siemens asking about the delightful name of her church – The Superb Mennonite Church. She wrote: “The name of the church does seem rather proud for a Mennonite congregation. The name of the town where the church began was called Superb, Saskatchewan. The town is no longer, but the church lives on.”
Steph McClellan of Gander, Newfoundland writes; “Thanks for the toast and the prayers for your chronic friends, Ralph!! Of course I mean, friends with chronic pain, but today is one of those days. ‘Chronic friends’ is what came out and it made me laugh!”
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “nose hair!”)
The sermons I’ve been hearing lately are entirely too good, so I offer the following really awful analogies to clergy who may wish to use them to degrade an otherwise reasonably adequate homily.
* His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
* Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
* He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
* The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
* McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a plastic bag filled with vegetable soup.
* From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
* She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook-latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
* Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
* Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
* He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
* The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
* Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”
* John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
* The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
* The red-brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
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Bottom of the Barrel – This from Robert Moore of Acton, Massachusetts.
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
''Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Esther 7:1-6, 9-10; 9:20-22
Reader 1: This is one of those instances where we have to tell the story before we can tell the story. Because the suggested lectionary reading begins in the middle.
Reader 2: Maybe the folks who designed the lectionary did that because the whole story would be too long and wouldn’t leave enough time for a sermon.
1: Weeelllll……!
2: Don’t go there.
1: Hmmmph. Well, OK. Let’s do a summary of the story of Esther – which is the story of a very brave woman.
1: It begins with a kind of beauty contest. They gather the most beautiful women from the whole kingdom, and the king finally chooses Esther. He didn’t know that Esther was Jewish. Esther didn’t tell him.
2: Esther had an Uncle. Mordecai. Mordecai didn’t get along too well with the King’s first minister, Haman. Haman was a bit of a stuffed shirt, and wanted everyone to bow and scrape to him, but Mordecai refused.
1: “God made me. God made Haman. God made all of us. So why should I bow down to Haman or to anybody else.”
2: That made Haman furious. He vowed to get even, not just with Mordecai but with all the Jewish people. He flattered and cajoled the king.
1: There are people here in Persia who don’t obey your laws. They worship their own God and they celebrate different feasts than the people of Persia.
2: So what should we do with them?
1: We should eliminate them all. They are a danger to you and your kingdom.
2: Do whatever you think is best.
1: Now the plot thickens.
2: Mordecai heard this. Secretly he made contact with Esther.
1: You’ve got to do something. Somehow you’ve got to persuade the king not to kill all our people.
2: So Esther cooked up a really nice dinner for the king. All his favorites. All the fixin’s. The king loved it. But he ate just a bit too much and couldn’t sleep that night. He picked up a book and while flipping through it, came upon the story of how Mordecai had saved the kings life.
1: The next night, Esther had laid on another great spread for the king. His First Minister Haman was with him. In the course of the conversation, the king happened to mention the book he’d been reading and how this man Mordecai had saved his life.
2: Haman was squirming under his expensive suit, let me tell you. But he said nothing.
1: But the king was having a good time. He drank more wine and ate more food and after awhile he turned and spoke to Queen Esther.
And here we pick the story up from the book of Esther.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
2: "What is your petition, Queen Esther? It shall be granted you. And what is your request? Even to the half of my kingdom, it shall be fulfilled."1: If I have won your favor, O king, and if it pleases the king, let my life be given me – that is my petition – and the lives of my people – that is my request. For we have been sold, I and my people, to be destroyed, to be killed, and to be annihilated. If we had been sold merely as slaves, men and women, I would have held my peace; but no enemy can compensate for this damage to the king."2: "Who is this person who is trying to kill you and your people? And where is he. Who has presumed to do this?"1: "A foe and enemy, this wicked Haman!"
2: Then Haman was terrified before the king and the queen.1: Harbona, one of the eunuchs in attendance on the king, spoke up. "Look, the very gallows that Haman has prepared for Mordecai, whose word saved the king, stands at Haman's house, fifty cubits high."
2: "Hang him on that."1: So they hanged Haman on the gallows that he had prepared for Mordecai. Then the anger of the king abated.2: Mordecai recorded these things, and sent letters to all the Jews who were in all the provinces both near and far, enjoining them that they should keep the fourteenth day of the month Adar and also the fifteenth day of the same month, year by year, as the days on which the Jews gained relief from their enemies, and as the month that had been turned for them from sorrow into gladness and from mourning into a holiday; that they should make them days of feasting and gladness, days for sending gifts of food to one another and presents to the poor.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Friday, September 11, 2009
Preaching Materials for September 20, 2009
R U M O R S # 567
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-09-13
September 13, 2009
THE GIFT OF SIMPLICITY
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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WARNING: The spammers are getting more clever and more desperate. Lately they have been taking the Rumors e-mail address and using it to send notes of various sorts to people. Some of you have responded to those notes. The note gets to me, but if I simply hit the “reply” button, both of us would be on some spammer’s hot list.
Please don’t respond to anything that has an address other than ralphmilton@woodlake.com. Nothing more. Nothing less. Nothing even slightly different. If you have a spam filter (and you should) add the spam address to your “blocked” list, but please make sure that the Rumors address itself is on the “approved” list.
It really is a time when we need to be “wise as serpents” (Matt.10:16). For instance, in today’s mail I received notes pretending to be from the IRS, a major bank, and a major courier, all asking me to respond urgently with some information.
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The Story – eschatology and diapers
Rumors – the gift that seems to be no gift
Soft Edges – uncomfortable reflection
Bloopers – a marred couple
Mirabile Dictu! – buffalo wings
Bottom of the Barrel – a plea for prayer
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Mark 9:30-37
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – This from Evelyn McLachlan.
A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're one of God’s people. Can't you do something about this?"
"Sorry,” replied the minister. “I can't. I'm in sales, not management."
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, September 20, which is Proper 20 [25]
* Proverbs 31:10-31 or Wisdom of Solomon 1:16-2:1, 12-22
* Psalm 1 or Psalm 54
* James 3:13 - 4:3, 7-8a
* Mark 9:30-37
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Mark 9:30-37Ralph says –
There isn’t a really a story in any of the readings, but the gospel is closest. Jesus’ predictions about his death and resurrection don’t seem to have a direct connection with the beautiful metaphor of a child as the model of the spirit-filled life. Having said that, I know Jim or someone else will quickly point it out to me.
The child metaphor has so many layers of meaning. My mind goes immediately to Cheryl Perry, the minister in charge of Christian Education in our congregation. She was on the front steps of the chancel last Sunday doing the time with the children. Her own two children were there with the other tots. The youngest has not yet realized that her mom has several roles to play. When mom couldn’t do some particular mom thing that was wanted (the exchange was whispered) there was a wail. But dad (always ready in the front pew) quickly intervened, she snuggled down into his lap, and all was soon well again.
Simplify. Children’s needs and wants are usually simple. There are lots of exceptions, of course, but most often the adult can respond with “yes,” or “no” or “wait.” One night last week, snuggling down in bed beside Bev, I found myself feeling like a child and wailing, “I just want to feel well again.” The need is simple and clear but filling that need is ridiculously complex. Even so it was helpful to identify a single goal, and then to break the business of getting there down to its component parts.
Well now, there’s the connection in this passage – between Jesus’ predictions of his own death and resurrection, and becoming like a child. The child within us – the child within Jesus – wants warmth and peace and justice for all. That’s the clear and simple goal. Getting there is ridiculously complex.
Getting there involves pain and death.
Jim says –
I’d love to have my grandson present for this service, to use as a living object lesson. (He’ll be 1000 km away, unfortunately.) At nearly three, hyperactive, and physically as strong as a four-year old, he tends to leave a trail of destruction in his wake. He has no more concept of his responsibility than a dog does when its wagging tail sweeps a coffee table bare.
He should have a tornado named after him.
Whenever he visits us, we have to Stephen-proof the house – and we always fail. So I spend part of each day repairing the hinges on a box lid that he flung open too vigorously, gluing the legs back onto a petrified-wood elephant, restoring computer programs that somehow got uninstalled...
I would want to turn my grandson loose in the sanctuary. Some worshippers would be amused by his antics; some – I expect – would get increasingly frustrated.
And then I would gather him up in my arms, give him a hug, and say, “Whoever welcomes such a child in my name, welcomes me.” With the obvious corollary – “If you cannot welcome such a child, you haven’t welcomed me, either.”
Because we are called to more than just to love the already lovable. We are also called to love the difficult ones, the troublemakers, the misfits, the down-and-out, the slow learners, the disabled and incapacitated...
Proverbs 31:10-31 – Just reading this had me worn out. If that’s the job description for “a capable wife,” it’s no wonder such a person is hard to find. And who would want to be married to such a whirling dervish?
It’s even worse than some of the clergy job descriptions I’ve seen. Somebody is dreaming in Technicolor.
Yes, I know this capable wife get’s to own property (v.16) which was no small thing in an age where women were often considered to be chattels.
People like this capable wife – male or female – burn out quickly. I knew a guy like that whose date book was encyclopedic, and who told me he and his wife had sex every second Thursday at 2 pm.
Such people may be admired, but they miss the whole point of life.
Psalm 1 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 Happy are those who have an inner integrity.
2 They are not pushed around by opinion polls;
They listen to advice from all sides,
but they choose their own course.
They consult constantly with God.
3 A spring of deep wisdom bubbles up within them;
It never dries up.
4 Most of us are more like dandelion fluff;
we change our direction with every puff of wind.
5 It is no wonder our words are not heard.
Without that wellspring of wisdom,
we are no more than dust,
waiting to return to dust.
6 Fads and fashions will pass away,
but ways of wisdom will go on forever.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
James 3:13 - 4:3, 7-8a – This is a good antidote to the Proverbs passage. It raises the question of wisdom. Approaching life with wisdom is perhaps another instance where Jesus’ metaphor of the child might be useful. Among the child-like attributes is the ability to deal with one thing at a time. Not ability. Need.
Children enjoy one event at a time. Or are totally devastated by one tragedy at a time.
You’ll find a children’s version of Psalm 1 in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 195. It’s called “You Will Be Happy.” And the Gospel story, based on the Mark passage is called, “Jesus and the Child” and may be found on page 196.
If you don’t already own this three-volume set, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – I have several friends who live with constant pain. Their struggle is no longer to get rid of pain or to suppress it – neither of which is possible – but to “manage” pain. One of those friends recently travelled several hundred miles to visit a particular doctor in a “pain management clinic.”
I’ve tried to imagine what it would be like have a pain that is always, always, always there. But of course I’ve failed completely. The closest I’ve come is the occasional headaches I used to have that sometimes lasted several days. I’d lie in bed with an ice-pack on my head just wanting it to stop. I knew it would stop. It always did.
The friends I’m thinking of have had their pain for years. And they know it isn’t going to go away.
It’s in that context that yesterday was such a delightful gift. The major side-effect from the medication I am taking to prevent a recurrence of the “epileptic focal seizure” that the neurologist says I have, is night-time headaches. And a general sense of “blah.”
Yesterday dawned bright and clear and that sense of “blah” was gone. I’d still had the night-time headache (which I know how to deal with), but I woke up feeling normal.
What a gift it is to feel normal! And I still feel normal today. Of course I’m hoping this will continue forever. Of course I know it won’t. But I will savor this simple gift while it is with me. Like the child I saw trudging off to school yesterday. In the middle of his walk, he danced two or three steps of a jig.
Most of us have the simple gift of normalcy most of the time and we think nothing of it. My friends with the chronic pain just ache to have that sense of normal again.
I will have lunch with Jim today and the two of us will offer a prayer of thanks and hoist a glass of ale for the gift of feeling simply normal. And we will pray for those who have long forgotten what that feels like – and ask God to give them courage, patience, strength – whatever it is they need to bear the load they have been given.
In the meantime, I rejoice in the great and simple gift of feeling normal – a gift that seems to be no gift at all.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Uncomfortable Reflection
I’m another year older. I look in the mirror, and I don’t look very different. But when I look at myself through my grandchildren’s eyes, I don’t particularly like what I see.
You see, long ago I stopped believing that God is an eagle-eyed heavenly accountant who watches everything we do and keeps meticulous records of good or bad – in “thought, word, and deed,” to cite a historic confession – and then punishes us accordingly.
Writer Gene Lohnes noted – shortly before dying of liver cancer – “If you have a heart attack, people assume you must have worked too hard. If you get cancer, they wonder what you did to deserve this.”
As I grew up, I came to believe in a less judgmental God who loves us unconditionally, who suffers with us, who works in us and through us. Most of our troubles are a consequence of our own actions, not divine punishment.
Our grandchildren spent ten days with us. At two-and-a-half, our grandson is discovering rebellion. I think psychologists call the process “individuation” – which he expresses with a vociferous “No” to almost any guidance from his elders.
Which is irritating but tolerable, unless his independent spirit endangers his life.
We go for a walk on a quiet rural road. We hear a car coming. We tell him to stay at the side, with us. He breaks loose and runs across the road in front of the car.
Or he’s warned repeatedly not to try climbing over the railing on our deck. He does it anyway.
He’s instructed many times not to fiddle with the door lock. I come back from walking the dogs and find he’s locked me out. I’m furious.
Later, he reaches again for the door lock. “Grandpa mad,” he says, and takes his hand away.
In such situations, our single-mom daughter usually has her hands full with her older child, a dog, two cats, and a pot boiling over on the stove. Grandpa finds himself playing the heavy.
So I skewer him with a glare as he reaches for Joan’s jewelry box. I grab a screwdriver before he sticks it into the wall plug. I warn him about dire consequences if he hits his sister with a fire truck.
I’m sure he sees me as a spoil-sport grandfather who watches constantly for infractions of unintelligible rules, and who punishes him heartlessly when he breaks them.
I act, in other words, like the kind of God that I no longer believe in.
Perhaps that kind of God is necessary, in the early development of individuals, and of societies. But I don’t want to be that kind of grandfather. And I don’t think God does, either.
I would hope that as my grandson grows, he won’t be trapped with images of God as a wrathful overseer. I hope he and I can develop a more mature relationship.
Likewise, I dream that churches could replace their emphasis on the “fear of God” with the “love of God.”
We don’t have to be rebellious children forever.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Tammy Rider of Rochester, Minnesota says she read a note from a pastor who was delighted to meet "a young man whom I baptized and whose parents I marred." Tammy says she’s done quite a number of weddings herself and hopes she hasn’t marred the couples too badly.
From the file:
* The senior pastor will be away for two weeks. The staff members during his absence will be pinned to the church bulletin board.
* Visitors are asked to sing their names at the church entrance.
* The pitch-in dinner will be hell in the perish hall.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Mark Twain via Mary from Oman
The one who hesitates is probably right.
source unknown
The primary task of the philosophy of religions is to discern the questions to which religion has the answers."
Father Abraham, via Stephani Keer
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “buffalo wings!”)
These one-liners courtesy of Sharyl Peterson of Grand Junction, Colorado.
* I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.* I had amnesia once. Or twice.* I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what? * Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.* All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.* If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.* They told me I was gullible and I believed them.* Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone* One nice thing about egotists – they don't talk about other people.* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.* Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.* Is it just me – or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
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Bottom of the Barrel – Prayer in school is mainly an issue in the US, but then Americans are probably the most religious of any people in the developed world. It’s probably banned in most other developed nations, but people rarely talk about it.
This item came from Jim Spinks in Ontario and my first instinct was not to run it because of that, but then his note about teachers really needing to pray and needing our prayers, hit home.
After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said: “Let me see if I've got this right. 'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning. 'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride. 'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job. 'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams. 'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card. 'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps. 'You want me to do all this and then you tell me. . . I can’t pray?’
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Mark 9:30-37
Reader 1: I think we should get rid of all our cars and busses and planes.
Reader 2: OK, I’ll bite. Why?
1: I was checking out the passage we’re going to read from Mark, and I noticed that Jesus had a travelling school. When people were going from one place to another, the time wasn’t wasted. They talked to each other. And they learned. For instance, Jesus had a little travelling university and his disciples were studying Eschatology 101.
2: Eschatology? Where did you learn a word like that?
1: Doesn’t it have a great sound to it? If somebody asks you what kind of work you do, you could say, (PRETENTIOUSLY) “I am an Eschatologist.”
2: OK, but what does it mean?
1: It’s the study of last things. The end of the world. Resurrection of the dead. Really useful stuff.
2: That’s what Jesus is talking about, alright. I don’t know how useful that is. But what is really useful is the way Jesus uses a small child as a metaphor, as a way of helping the disciples understand what a life of faith means. That’s something we need every day. It doesn’t have a fancy, technical name, but it is crucially important to our understanding of who we are in relation to God.
1: Maybe we should stop yakking and read the passage.
2: Good idea. It’s a reading from the 9th chapter of the gospel of Mark.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
1: Jesus and his disciples went on from there and passed through Galilee. He did not want anyone to know it; for he was teaching his disciples.
2: "The Son of Man is to be betrayed into human hands, and they will kill him, and three days after being killed, he will rise again."1: But the disciples did not understand what Jesus was saying and were afraid to ask him. Then they came to Capernaum; and when he was in the house he asked them.
2: "What were you arguing about on the way?"1: But they were silent, for on the way they had argued with one another who was the greatest. So Jesus sat down, called the twelve disciples, and spoke to them.
2: "Whoever wants to be first must be last of all and servant of all."1: Then Jesus found a little child and took it up in his arms.
2: "Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me, and whoever welcomes me welcomes not me but the one who sent me."
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-09-13
September 13, 2009
THE GIFT OF SIMPLICITY
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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WARNING: The spammers are getting more clever and more desperate. Lately they have been taking the Rumors e-mail address and using it to send notes of various sorts to people. Some of you have responded to those notes. The note gets to me, but if I simply hit the “reply” button, both of us would be on some spammer’s hot list.
Please don’t respond to anything that has an address other than ralphmilton@woodlake.com. Nothing more. Nothing less. Nothing even slightly different. If you have a spam filter (and you should) add the spam address to your “blocked” list, but please make sure that the Rumors address itself is on the “approved” list.
It really is a time when we need to be “wise as serpents” (Matt.10:16). For instance, in today’s mail I received notes pretending to be from the IRS, a major bank, and a major courier, all asking me to respond urgently with some information.
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The Story – eschatology and diapers
Rumors – the gift that seems to be no gift
Soft Edges – uncomfortable reflection
Bloopers – a marred couple
Mirabile Dictu! – buffalo wings
Bottom of the Barrel – a plea for prayer
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Mark 9:30-37
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – This from Evelyn McLachlan.
A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're one of God’s people. Can't you do something about this?"
"Sorry,” replied the minister. “I can't. I'm in sales, not management."
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, September 20, which is Proper 20 [25]
* Proverbs 31:10-31 or Wisdom of Solomon 1:16-2:1, 12-22
* Psalm 1 or Psalm 54
* James 3:13 - 4:3, 7-8a
* Mark 9:30-37
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Mark 9:30-37Ralph says –
There isn’t a really a story in any of the readings, but the gospel is closest. Jesus’ predictions about his death and resurrection don’t seem to have a direct connection with the beautiful metaphor of a child as the model of the spirit-filled life. Having said that, I know Jim or someone else will quickly point it out to me.
The child metaphor has so many layers of meaning. My mind goes immediately to Cheryl Perry, the minister in charge of Christian Education in our congregation. She was on the front steps of the chancel last Sunday doing the time with the children. Her own two children were there with the other tots. The youngest has not yet realized that her mom has several roles to play. When mom couldn’t do some particular mom thing that was wanted (the exchange was whispered) there was a wail. But dad (always ready in the front pew) quickly intervened, she snuggled down into his lap, and all was soon well again.
Simplify. Children’s needs and wants are usually simple. There are lots of exceptions, of course, but most often the adult can respond with “yes,” or “no” or “wait.” One night last week, snuggling down in bed beside Bev, I found myself feeling like a child and wailing, “I just want to feel well again.” The need is simple and clear but filling that need is ridiculously complex. Even so it was helpful to identify a single goal, and then to break the business of getting there down to its component parts.
Well now, there’s the connection in this passage – between Jesus’ predictions of his own death and resurrection, and becoming like a child. The child within us – the child within Jesus – wants warmth and peace and justice for all. That’s the clear and simple goal. Getting there is ridiculously complex.
Getting there involves pain and death.
Jim says –
I’d love to have my grandson present for this service, to use as a living object lesson. (He’ll be 1000 km away, unfortunately.) At nearly three, hyperactive, and physically as strong as a four-year old, he tends to leave a trail of destruction in his wake. He has no more concept of his responsibility than a dog does when its wagging tail sweeps a coffee table bare.
He should have a tornado named after him.
Whenever he visits us, we have to Stephen-proof the house – and we always fail. So I spend part of each day repairing the hinges on a box lid that he flung open too vigorously, gluing the legs back onto a petrified-wood elephant, restoring computer programs that somehow got uninstalled...
I would want to turn my grandson loose in the sanctuary. Some worshippers would be amused by his antics; some – I expect – would get increasingly frustrated.
And then I would gather him up in my arms, give him a hug, and say, “Whoever welcomes such a child in my name, welcomes me.” With the obvious corollary – “If you cannot welcome such a child, you haven’t welcomed me, either.”
Because we are called to more than just to love the already lovable. We are also called to love the difficult ones, the troublemakers, the misfits, the down-and-out, the slow learners, the disabled and incapacitated...
Proverbs 31:10-31 – Just reading this had me worn out. If that’s the job description for “a capable wife,” it’s no wonder such a person is hard to find. And who would want to be married to such a whirling dervish?
It’s even worse than some of the clergy job descriptions I’ve seen. Somebody is dreaming in Technicolor.
Yes, I know this capable wife get’s to own property (v.16) which was no small thing in an age where women were often considered to be chattels.
People like this capable wife – male or female – burn out quickly. I knew a guy like that whose date book was encyclopedic, and who told me he and his wife had sex every second Thursday at 2 pm.
Such people may be admired, but they miss the whole point of life.
Psalm 1 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 Happy are those who have an inner integrity.
2 They are not pushed around by opinion polls;
They listen to advice from all sides,
but they choose their own course.
They consult constantly with God.
3 A spring of deep wisdom bubbles up within them;
It never dries up.
4 Most of us are more like dandelion fluff;
we change our direction with every puff of wind.
5 It is no wonder our words are not heard.
Without that wellspring of wisdom,
we are no more than dust,
waiting to return to dust.
6 Fads and fashions will pass away,
but ways of wisdom will go on forever.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
James 3:13 - 4:3, 7-8a – This is a good antidote to the Proverbs passage. It raises the question of wisdom. Approaching life with wisdom is perhaps another instance where Jesus’ metaphor of the child might be useful. Among the child-like attributes is the ability to deal with one thing at a time. Not ability. Need.
Children enjoy one event at a time. Or are totally devastated by one tragedy at a time.
You’ll find a children’s version of Psalm 1 in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 195. It’s called “You Will Be Happy.” And the Gospel story, based on the Mark passage is called, “Jesus and the Child” and may be found on page 196.
If you don’t already own this three-volume set, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – I have several friends who live with constant pain. Their struggle is no longer to get rid of pain or to suppress it – neither of which is possible – but to “manage” pain. One of those friends recently travelled several hundred miles to visit a particular doctor in a “pain management clinic.”
I’ve tried to imagine what it would be like have a pain that is always, always, always there. But of course I’ve failed completely. The closest I’ve come is the occasional headaches I used to have that sometimes lasted several days. I’d lie in bed with an ice-pack on my head just wanting it to stop. I knew it would stop. It always did.
The friends I’m thinking of have had their pain for years. And they know it isn’t going to go away.
It’s in that context that yesterday was such a delightful gift. The major side-effect from the medication I am taking to prevent a recurrence of the “epileptic focal seizure” that the neurologist says I have, is night-time headaches. And a general sense of “blah.”
Yesterday dawned bright and clear and that sense of “blah” was gone. I’d still had the night-time headache (which I know how to deal with), but I woke up feeling normal.
What a gift it is to feel normal! And I still feel normal today. Of course I’m hoping this will continue forever. Of course I know it won’t. But I will savor this simple gift while it is with me. Like the child I saw trudging off to school yesterday. In the middle of his walk, he danced two or three steps of a jig.
Most of us have the simple gift of normalcy most of the time and we think nothing of it. My friends with the chronic pain just ache to have that sense of normal again.
I will have lunch with Jim today and the two of us will offer a prayer of thanks and hoist a glass of ale for the gift of feeling simply normal. And we will pray for those who have long forgotten what that feels like – and ask God to give them courage, patience, strength – whatever it is they need to bear the load they have been given.
In the meantime, I rejoice in the great and simple gift of feeling normal – a gift that seems to be no gift at all.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Uncomfortable Reflection
I’m another year older. I look in the mirror, and I don’t look very different. But when I look at myself through my grandchildren’s eyes, I don’t particularly like what I see.
You see, long ago I stopped believing that God is an eagle-eyed heavenly accountant who watches everything we do and keeps meticulous records of good or bad – in “thought, word, and deed,” to cite a historic confession – and then punishes us accordingly.
Writer Gene Lohnes noted – shortly before dying of liver cancer – “If you have a heart attack, people assume you must have worked too hard. If you get cancer, they wonder what you did to deserve this.”
As I grew up, I came to believe in a less judgmental God who loves us unconditionally, who suffers with us, who works in us and through us. Most of our troubles are a consequence of our own actions, not divine punishment.
Our grandchildren spent ten days with us. At two-and-a-half, our grandson is discovering rebellion. I think psychologists call the process “individuation” – which he expresses with a vociferous “No” to almost any guidance from his elders.
Which is irritating but tolerable, unless his independent spirit endangers his life.
We go for a walk on a quiet rural road. We hear a car coming. We tell him to stay at the side, with us. He breaks loose and runs across the road in front of the car.
Or he’s warned repeatedly not to try climbing over the railing on our deck. He does it anyway.
He’s instructed many times not to fiddle with the door lock. I come back from walking the dogs and find he’s locked me out. I’m furious.
Later, he reaches again for the door lock. “Grandpa mad,” he says, and takes his hand away.
In such situations, our single-mom daughter usually has her hands full with her older child, a dog, two cats, and a pot boiling over on the stove. Grandpa finds himself playing the heavy.
So I skewer him with a glare as he reaches for Joan’s jewelry box. I grab a screwdriver before he sticks it into the wall plug. I warn him about dire consequences if he hits his sister with a fire truck.
I’m sure he sees me as a spoil-sport grandfather who watches constantly for infractions of unintelligible rules, and who punishes him heartlessly when he breaks them.
I act, in other words, like the kind of God that I no longer believe in.
Perhaps that kind of God is necessary, in the early development of individuals, and of societies. But I don’t want to be that kind of grandfather. And I don’t think God does, either.
I would hope that as my grandson grows, he won’t be trapped with images of God as a wrathful overseer. I hope he and I can develop a more mature relationship.
Likewise, I dream that churches could replace their emphasis on the “fear of God” with the “love of God.”
We don’t have to be rebellious children forever.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Tammy Rider of Rochester, Minnesota says she read a note from a pastor who was delighted to meet "a young man whom I baptized and whose parents I marred." Tammy says she’s done quite a number of weddings herself and hopes she hasn’t marred the couples too badly.
From the file:
* The senior pastor will be away for two weeks. The staff members during his absence will be pinned to the church bulletin board.
* Visitors are asked to sing their names at the church entrance.
* The pitch-in dinner will be hell in the perish hall.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Mark Twain via Mary from Oman
The one who hesitates is probably right.
source unknown
The primary task of the philosophy of religions is to discern the questions to which religion has the answers."
Father Abraham, via Stephani Keer
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “buffalo wings!”)
These one-liners courtesy of Sharyl Peterson of Grand Junction, Colorado.
* I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.* I had amnesia once. Or twice.* I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what? * Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.* All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.* If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.* They told me I was gullible and I believed them.* Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone* One nice thing about egotists – they don't talk about other people.* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.* Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.* Is it just me – or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
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Bottom of the Barrel – Prayer in school is mainly an issue in the US, but then Americans are probably the most religious of any people in the developed world. It’s probably banned in most other developed nations, but people rarely talk about it.
This item came from Jim Spinks in Ontario and my first instinct was not to run it because of that, but then his note about teachers really needing to pray and needing our prayers, hit home.
After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said: “Let me see if I've got this right. 'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning. 'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride. 'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job. 'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams. 'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card. 'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps. 'You want me to do all this and then you tell me. . . I can’t pray?’
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Mark 9:30-37
Reader 1: I think we should get rid of all our cars and busses and planes.
Reader 2: OK, I’ll bite. Why?
1: I was checking out the passage we’re going to read from Mark, and I noticed that Jesus had a travelling school. When people were going from one place to another, the time wasn’t wasted. They talked to each other. And they learned. For instance, Jesus had a little travelling university and his disciples were studying Eschatology 101.
2: Eschatology? Where did you learn a word like that?
1: Doesn’t it have a great sound to it? If somebody asks you what kind of work you do, you could say, (PRETENTIOUSLY) “I am an Eschatologist.”
2: OK, but what does it mean?
1: It’s the study of last things. The end of the world. Resurrection of the dead. Really useful stuff.
2: That’s what Jesus is talking about, alright. I don’t know how useful that is. But what is really useful is the way Jesus uses a small child as a metaphor, as a way of helping the disciples understand what a life of faith means. That’s something we need every day. It doesn’t have a fancy, technical name, but it is crucially important to our understanding of who we are in relation to God.
1: Maybe we should stop yakking and read the passage.
2: Good idea. It’s a reading from the 9th chapter of the gospel of Mark.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
1: Jesus and his disciples went on from there and passed through Galilee. He did not want anyone to know it; for he was teaching his disciples.
2: "The Son of Man is to be betrayed into human hands, and they will kill him, and three days after being killed, he will rise again."1: But the disciples did not understand what Jesus was saying and were afraid to ask him. Then they came to Capernaum; and when he was in the house he asked them.
2: "What were you arguing about on the way?"1: But they were silent, for on the way they had argued with one another who was the greatest. So Jesus sat down, called the twelve disciples, and spoke to them.
2: "Whoever wants to be first must be last of all and servant of all."1: Then Jesus found a little child and took it up in his arms.
2: "Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me, and whoever welcomes me welcomes not me but the one who sent me."
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Preaching Materials for September 13, 2009
R U M O R S # 566
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-09-06
September 6, 2009
WHO AM I?
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Holy Kamolie Batman! Whoda thunk it! 8 Gs. 8004 people subscribe to Rumors!
That’s either good news or bad news, depending on your viewpoint, but since those who have unsubscribed in disgust are not likely to be reading this, I guess it’s good news.
It feels good anyway. It’s a good time to say thanks to all those who have sent in stuff to add spice to the whole thing. Especially Jim Taylor..
To celebrate, I am going to throw caution to the wind and put real sugar in my tea tonight instead of that chemical sweet stuff.
And I shall drink a toast to all of you who at least skim through this stuff week after week.
It has been suggested we’ve reached those numbers because you are all a bunch of skinflints and you’ll subscribe to anything if it’s free.
Piffle!
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The Story – the most crucial question
Rumors – a big hunk of identity
Soft Edges – delighted to help
Good Stuff – giving up everything
Bloopers – gossip music
Mirabile Dictu! – double your money
Bottom of the Barrel – disciples wag their tales
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Mark 8:27-38
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – David Gilchrist used this to finish a sermon. Possibly not a good idea David, because then people might really listen to sermons and who knows what kind of problems that would generate.
Here’s the story.
After church service, a member and a visitor were discussing the new minister.
"Why did you let the other pastor go?" the visitor asked.
Because he always preached that if we didn't mend our ways we'd go straight to hell."
"But that's just what the minister said today!"
"Yes" replied the member, "but the other one acted as if he were glad!"
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, September 13th, Proper 19 (24)
* Proverbs 1:20-33 or Isaiah 50:4-9a
* Psalm 19 or Psalm 116:1-9 (optional Psalm reading: Wisdom of Solomon 7:26 - 8:1)
* James 3:1-12
* Mark 8:27-38
Proverbs 1:20-33 – Sophia (Wisdom) was a wise woman but in some respects not very smart. She can’t understand why the folks she’s been calling to in the street don’t want to listen to someone tell them they are doing everything wrong.
When I went out to begin my very short career as a country school teacher, my dad, a career teacher, told me: “It’s all about patting people on the back. Mostly you pat them on the shoulder and when you have their trust, then you can pat them a little lower sometimes.”
Lady Wisdom tells the people that because they were so dumb and didn’t listen to her scolding, when all the awful things happen that she has predicted, she’s going to say, “I told you so.” That should make her really popular.
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Mark 8:27-38I can’t help feeling a bit sorry for the disciples. Biblical scholars may spend months – years even, trying to understand what Jesus is saying here. And Jesus seems to have expected them to understand in the course of a day’s walk.
I also feel a bit sorry for the folks in our congregations. Us religious professionals spend our lives working on biblical material, and then look down our noses when the folks in the pews come up with simplistic understandings of this material.
Having just written “The Lectionary Story Bible,” I would like to have stopped Jesus in mid-discourse and said, “OK, explain that to a seven-year-old.”
When I get to be in charge of everything, I would require all persons studying for the ministry to re-write one of the synoptic gospels for children. Not John. I’m not that sadistic.
Since there are few signs of anybody putting me in charge of anything, all I can do is plead with those who will deal with this passage in preaching or in bible study to recognize how opaque this passage is.
Jim says –
I love the rich, rolling sonority of the Psalms (either 19 or 116) but I cannot ignore Mark’s story of Peter’s confession and Jesus’ subsequent teaching. (I would remind hearers that in John’s gospel, it’s Martha who makes this “Great Confession,” not Peter – which might be one reason why some of the early church patriarchs lobbied against including John in the canon at all.)
I would like to drive Peter’s message home, over and over. So I would build the whole service around a liturgical refrain:
Leader: "Who do we say that he is?"
Congregation: “He is the Messiah” or perhaps preferably “Jesus is Lord!”
I would use that litany in my prayers, between hymns, for the offering, and repeatedly during the sermon. I would use it at least a dozen times, even more if possible. I would ring the changes by having people whisper it, shout it, say it to each other, say it to God. Whatever the day’s news headlines, whatever the tale of joy or of woe, our response is the same as that of the early church – “Jesus is Lord!”
In Mark, Jesus teaches the disciples about the suffering he (and they, and we) will inevitably experience. Whatever comes, we will affirm, “Jesus is Lord.”
Thanks be to God. Amen.
Psalm 19 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 Quarks and electrons, crystals and cells;
stems and trunks and limbs and bodies–
2 on the land, in the water, in the air–
the elements of the universe wait to expand our understanding.
3 Rocks have no words, nor do cells have syllables,
4 yet their message can be read anywhere.
Even the fiery stars,
5 racing at unimaginable speeds through space,
6 yield their secrets to those willing to probe the limits of God's universe.
7 And what do they find?
An underlying harmony, a delicate equilibrium
built on the value of every thing,
living or inanimate, past, present, and future.
8 There are no exceptions.
No one is above the law of interdependence.
9 Life dies and becomes new life;
spirit and flesh are one.
My fate is inextricably linked to yours,
and our fate to the trees and insects.
10 This is the beginning of wisdom.
It is better than wealth, more valuable than possessions.
11 Awareness of it will change you forever.
12 But we are too often blind;
we close our ears to the voices of the winds and the waves, to the insights of the rocks and the plants.
13 God, keep us from thinking we know it all;
human minds cannot encompass eternity;
an assembly of facts does not equal truth.
14 Keep us always open to wonder, to beauty, to mystery,
O greatest of mysteries.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
James 3:1-12 – Those of us who have made or are making a living out of words need to sit up and take notice. Our skills, used irresponsibly, can do huge amounts of harm, especially if some people guide their lives by them.
It means, among other things, that there needs to be some kind of consistency between the words we speak or write, and the message we are offering.
I have a deep concern for the environment, especially global warming, and that’s often the subject of my verbal outbursts. But while Bev and I are doing a lot, we aren’t doing as much as we could.
“The Lectionary Story Bible” offers a story based on Proverbs 1:20-33, “Lady Wisdom Speaks.” It’s on Year B, page 192. “Strong as a Rock” is a story based on Mark 8:27-38 found on Year B, page 193.
Every clergy library and every church library should have a complete set. Year C offers a complete index to all the stories.
There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – I can full warm and fuzzy and noble when I change something in my life patterns that reduce my impact on the environment. But when it’s imposed, I pout.
Last spring, I had a couple of “incidents” that – umpteen tests and specialists later – was finally diagnosed as brain spasms.
“Think carefully,” the neurologist says, “of things you do that would result in injury to yourself or someone else if you had a spasm in the middle of it.” The most obvious thing – driving.
Giving up the wheel, I’d thought, would be an inconvenience – more to Bev and to Jim than to myself – but I find myself feeling like a teenager who’s been grounded. Or a crook under house arrest. Even when I have nowhere I want to go, I feel like that.
Is it a “guy thing?”Is the symbolic significance of not being able to drive greater for most men than for women? I remember a few years ago driving with a friend whose eyesight had deteriorated well past the point where it was no longer safe to drive. He finally gave it up, but only after he had endangered himself and many others.
The other thing I’m wrestling with is the fact that I do not feel well. The prescription that addresses those spasms has a bunch of side effects, the main ones being headache and queasy stomach.
I don’t enjoy writing when I don’t feel well, and I’m not enjoying this issue of Rumors. But I’m writing it because I’m the guy who does Rumors. It’s a big hunk of my identity. I can’t not write it.
When Jesus asked his friends, “Who do people say that I am?” and “Who do you say that I am?” I’m sure he had more significant things in mind than my petty struggles with driving or my emotional need to write Rumors. But surely that was part of it.
During the course of his ministry, it slowly began to dawn on Jesus who he was – and what he was called to be. And it scared the blue spots off his skivvies.
We use our own experiences as lenses through which to understand the God story. And as I read that passage, I ache for Jesus.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Delighted to Help
I had another birthday this week. So I decided to give myself a week off and make use of a letter I wrote, tongue in cheek, a while ago when I got fed up with a flood of unsolicited mailings from eminently worthy organizations who all wanted me to support them financially.
Although this letter is addressed to the Canadian Red Cross – an organization I respect, by the way – its real target is every charity that views my wallet as a bottomless pit.
Dear Red Cross,
I’m not sure how long you’ve been sending me letters. Certainly I did not initiate this recurring correspondence.
Let me state first that I have no animosity towards you. I value the work you have done, especially during wars. I do not hold the tainted blood scandal against you any more – although I admit that at the time, I was angry about your apparent preference for protecting your reputation over your compassion for the victims of HIV-infected blood supplies.
I have, however, my own list of over a dozen charities that my wife and I support financially. I won’t bore you with the names of these charities, or the reasons why we choose to support them, except to say that we have some kind of personal connection with each one. So we’re not likely to stop supporting any of them. But also, since we’re already giving well over ten per cent of our retirement income to these worthwhile causes, we are not likely to add a new charity to our list either.
I’ve been wondering how much it costs you to send me your more-or-less monthly requests. I visited my local copy shop and requested an estimate for a large volume printing of a personalized four-page letter, with reply card and prepaid return envelope. They estimated the direct costs of paper, card stock, envelopes, color printing, and stuffing at $1.95 per unit. Then it would cost you 54 cents to mail the letter, plus another 54 cents if I reply. I’m guessing that each letter must also involve at least $1.00 worth of staff time, just for handling and processing, for a total of around $4.00 per piece.
Obviously, this does not include any additional inducements you enclose, such as fancy return address labels, personalized note pads, corporate calendars, etc.
Conservatively, then, your mailings to me must cost you around $48 a year.
I’d like to make a deal with you. If you stop sending letters asking me to contribute, you would automatically have an additional $48 available for your various worthy causes. That’s revenue that you wouldn’t have otherwise, just as valuable as if I sent you a $48 donation.
As compensation for forgoing the pleasure of your correspondence, I would appreciate a charitable donation receipt for the $48 I shall be saving you each year.
Otherwise, I look forward to not hearing from you.
Yours sincerely,
Jim Taylor
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Good Stuff – This from Don Sandin.
A plump businessman, dripping with gold and diamonds, came one day to visit Mother Teresa, fell at her feet, and proclaimed, "Oh my God, you are the holiest of the Holy! You are the super-holy one! You have given up everything! I cannot even give up one samosa for breakfast! Not one single chapati for lunch can I give up!" Mother Teresa started to laugh so hard her attendant nuns were concerned. She was in her mid-80s and frail from two recent heart attacks.
Eventually, she stopped laughing and, wiping her eyes with one hand, she leaned forward to help her adorer to his feet. "So you say I have given up everything?" she said quietly.
The businessman nodded enthusiastically. Mother Teresa smiled. "Oh, my dear man," she said, "you are so wrong. It isn't I who have given up everything; it is you. You have given up the supreme sacred joy of life, the source of all lasting happiness, the joy of giving your life away to other beings, to serve the Divine in them with compassion. It is you who is the great renunciate!"
To the businessman's total bewilderment, Mother Teresa got down on her knees and bowed to him. Flinging up his hands, he ran out of the room.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Donna Fowler-Marchant of Fayetteville, North Carolina remembers when she was in a small church where she had to do everything including the bulletin. She intended to type, “I Am Thine, O Lord,” and maybe it was a Freudian slip. Anyway, she typed, “I Am Thin, O Lord.”
Marie Zettler tells of “a lovely ecumenical outdoor worship service at our local agricultural fair today.” After the service, the program listed “Gossip Music, outdoor stage.”
Marie, we have “Gossip Music” every Sunday morning at our church. Except they call it the “Prelude.”
Katherine Roark of Lexington, Kentucky says the "Simon Pizza" blooper last week reminded her of typing Matthew 23:1-12. It should read: "He who humbles himself will be exalted," I typed, "He who humbles himself will be exhausted." Probably also true!
Marilyn Leuty says her folks in Grimsby were a bit surprised when they read in the bulletin that "’Doubt’ is available in the office.” Some of the folks were saying you really didn’t need to go as far as the church office to find doubt. Then it turned out that “Doubt” is the name of a movie available for viewing by people in the movie discussion club.
Coral Cogs Smith of Grange, South Australia has a husband with a set of sore ribs. The worship leader said, “Let us say a Prayer of Thanks as the children leave for Sunday School” Said husband “nearly fell off the pew” laughing, so Coral “gave him a good wifey glare and a nudge in the ribs with my elbow.”
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers or fun incidents in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – Any government that takes credit for the rain should not be surprised when it gets blamed for the drought.
Dwight W. Morrow via Cliff Boldt
Joy is the serious business of heaven.
C.S. Lewis via David Kaiser.
Whatever you do, do it with all your might, for things done by halves are never done right.
Anonymous, via Mary in Oman
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “double your money!”)
This from George Brigham who has just moved to Retford, Nottinghamshire, England. He got it from Roger Piper (of Teddington, West London.
George and Roger, you have just made the biggest contribution to the life and well-being of the church since the invention of duct tape.
How to increase the weekly offering…
* Theological Basis: 'As a man winneth so will he giveth.' Hez. 6:15
* Purpose: The ' BLT' (bottom line theory) is to get more money to find its way into the offering plates on Sunday mornings.
* Plan: Three simple steps to explosive giving:
1. When the stewards bring the collection bags forward the minister or local preacher will place all the offering envelopes in a big round bowl.
2. One of the stewards will step forward and draw out one of the offering envelopes from the big round bowl.
3. The 'winner' (person or family whose offering envelope is drawn) will receive double their money back!!
* Benefits: Listed below are some of the outstanding benefits from this “Sure Fire Stewardship Campaign”:
1. More and more members will begin using offering envelopes.
2. When you make the offering envelopes available only to church members you will be astounded at how your membership will grow.
3. Members will naturally put in more money because they know that if their envelope is drawn they will get more back (never underestimate the intelligence of your members).
4. Your worship service will reach new heights of excitement. You can imagine the excitement and drama each Sunday as the winning envelope is drawn.
5. You will have no trouble lining up stewards because of the excitement, honour, and prestige that comes with the job (and the opportunity to be the last to insert their envelope).
6. Your finance committee will never again have to worry about buying those expensive offering envelopes. When this new scheme catches on members will be more than willing to buy their own. You will also discover that many will buy more than one set of envelopes. I call this the 'bingo syndrome.'
7. Ministers will no longer have to work quite so hard on their sermons as that will no longer be the 'main event’ in the service.
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Bottom of the Barrel – The Bishop of the Arctic many years ago put together a team to translate the Bible into the Inuit language. The team found it hard to find the correct translation for the word “joy,” which was important because it is used in the New Testament at least 60 times. They could find 37 words for snow but that wasn’t helpful.
So one day the Bishop said to the Eskimo people: “Look at those huskies over there. They have finished their work for the day. The word we want is the word that describes what those huskies are experiencing.”
Some months later, when the Inuit Bible translation was completed, it was Easter at a local church and this is the English equivalent of what the congregation heard when a woman got up to read the lesson: “The disciples were in the upper room for fear of discovery and Jesus appeared to them. And when the disciples saw the Lord they wagged their tails!”
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Mark 8:27-38
Reader 1: Did Jesus have a driver’s license?
Reader 2: Of course not. They hadn’t even invented cars in those days.
1: Yeah. I know. I was just kidding. But this passage we’re going to read seems to have to do with identity.
2: Exactly. But I wonder, was Jesus really wondering who he was, or did he already know?
1: Well, let’s read the passage and find out. This passage if from the 8th Chapter of the Gospel of Mark.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
2: Jesus went on with his disciples to the villages of Caesarea Philippi; and on the way he asked his disciples.
1: "Who do people say that I am?"2: And they answered him, "John the Baptist; and others, Elijah; and still others, one of the prophets."1: "But who do you say that I am?"
2: Peter answered him, "You are the Messiah."
1: And Jesus sternly ordered them not to tell anyone about him. And he began to teach them that the Son of Man must undergo great suffering, and be rejected by the elders, the chief priests, and the scribes, and be killed, and after three days rise again.2: He said all this quite openly. And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. But turning and looking at his disciples, he rebuked Peter.
1: "Get behind me, Satan! For you are setting your mind not on divine things but on human things."2: Jesus called the crowd with his disciples, and spoke to them,
1: "If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake, and for the sake of the gospel, will save it. For what will it profit them to gain the whole world and forfeit their life? Indeed, what can they give in return for their life? Those who are ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, of them the Son of Man will also be ashamed when he comes in the glory of his Father with the holy angels."
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-09-06
September 6, 2009
WHO AM I?
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Holy Kamolie Batman! Whoda thunk it! 8 Gs. 8004 people subscribe to Rumors!
That’s either good news or bad news, depending on your viewpoint, but since those who have unsubscribed in disgust are not likely to be reading this, I guess it’s good news.
It feels good anyway. It’s a good time to say thanks to all those who have sent in stuff to add spice to the whole thing. Especially Jim Taylor..
To celebrate, I am going to throw caution to the wind and put real sugar in my tea tonight instead of that chemical sweet stuff.
And I shall drink a toast to all of you who at least skim through this stuff week after week.
It has been suggested we’ve reached those numbers because you are all a bunch of skinflints and you’ll subscribe to anything if it’s free.
Piffle!
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The Story – the most crucial question
Rumors – a big hunk of identity
Soft Edges – delighted to help
Good Stuff – giving up everything
Bloopers – gossip music
Mirabile Dictu! – double your money
Bottom of the Barrel – disciples wag their tales
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Mark 8:27-38
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – David Gilchrist used this to finish a sermon. Possibly not a good idea David, because then people might really listen to sermons and who knows what kind of problems that would generate.
Here’s the story.
After church service, a member and a visitor were discussing the new minister.
"Why did you let the other pastor go?" the visitor asked.
Because he always preached that if we didn't mend our ways we'd go straight to hell."
"But that's just what the minister said today!"
"Yes" replied the member, "but the other one acted as if he were glad!"
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, September 13th, Proper 19 (24)
* Proverbs 1:20-33 or Isaiah 50:4-9a
* Psalm 19 or Psalm 116:1-9 (optional Psalm reading: Wisdom of Solomon 7:26 - 8:1)
* James 3:1-12
* Mark 8:27-38
Proverbs 1:20-33 – Sophia (Wisdom) was a wise woman but in some respects not very smart. She can’t understand why the folks she’s been calling to in the street don’t want to listen to someone tell them they are doing everything wrong.
When I went out to begin my very short career as a country school teacher, my dad, a career teacher, told me: “It’s all about patting people on the back. Mostly you pat them on the shoulder and when you have their trust, then you can pat them a little lower sometimes.”
Lady Wisdom tells the people that because they were so dumb and didn’t listen to her scolding, when all the awful things happen that she has predicted, she’s going to say, “I told you so.” That should make her really popular.
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Mark 8:27-38I can’t help feeling a bit sorry for the disciples. Biblical scholars may spend months – years even, trying to understand what Jesus is saying here. And Jesus seems to have expected them to understand in the course of a day’s walk.
I also feel a bit sorry for the folks in our congregations. Us religious professionals spend our lives working on biblical material, and then look down our noses when the folks in the pews come up with simplistic understandings of this material.
Having just written “The Lectionary Story Bible,” I would like to have stopped Jesus in mid-discourse and said, “OK, explain that to a seven-year-old.”
When I get to be in charge of everything, I would require all persons studying for the ministry to re-write one of the synoptic gospels for children. Not John. I’m not that sadistic.
Since there are few signs of anybody putting me in charge of anything, all I can do is plead with those who will deal with this passage in preaching or in bible study to recognize how opaque this passage is.
Jim says –
I love the rich, rolling sonority of the Psalms (either 19 or 116) but I cannot ignore Mark’s story of Peter’s confession and Jesus’ subsequent teaching. (I would remind hearers that in John’s gospel, it’s Martha who makes this “Great Confession,” not Peter – which might be one reason why some of the early church patriarchs lobbied against including John in the canon at all.)
I would like to drive Peter’s message home, over and over. So I would build the whole service around a liturgical refrain:
Leader: "Who do we say that he is?"
Congregation: “He is the Messiah” or perhaps preferably “Jesus is Lord!”
I would use that litany in my prayers, between hymns, for the offering, and repeatedly during the sermon. I would use it at least a dozen times, even more if possible. I would ring the changes by having people whisper it, shout it, say it to each other, say it to God. Whatever the day’s news headlines, whatever the tale of joy or of woe, our response is the same as that of the early church – “Jesus is Lord!”
In Mark, Jesus teaches the disciples about the suffering he (and they, and we) will inevitably experience. Whatever comes, we will affirm, “Jesus is Lord.”
Thanks be to God. Amen.
Psalm 19 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 Quarks and electrons, crystals and cells;
stems and trunks and limbs and bodies–
2 on the land, in the water, in the air–
the elements of the universe wait to expand our understanding.
3 Rocks have no words, nor do cells have syllables,
4 yet their message can be read anywhere.
Even the fiery stars,
5 racing at unimaginable speeds through space,
6 yield their secrets to those willing to probe the limits of God's universe.
7 And what do they find?
An underlying harmony, a delicate equilibrium
built on the value of every thing,
living or inanimate, past, present, and future.
8 There are no exceptions.
No one is above the law of interdependence.
9 Life dies and becomes new life;
spirit and flesh are one.
My fate is inextricably linked to yours,
and our fate to the trees and insects.
10 This is the beginning of wisdom.
It is better than wealth, more valuable than possessions.
11 Awareness of it will change you forever.
12 But we are too often blind;
we close our ears to the voices of the winds and the waves, to the insights of the rocks and the plants.
13 God, keep us from thinking we know it all;
human minds cannot encompass eternity;
an assembly of facts does not equal truth.
14 Keep us always open to wonder, to beauty, to mystery,
O greatest of mysteries.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
James 3:1-12 – Those of us who have made or are making a living out of words need to sit up and take notice. Our skills, used irresponsibly, can do huge amounts of harm, especially if some people guide their lives by them.
It means, among other things, that there needs to be some kind of consistency between the words we speak or write, and the message we are offering.
I have a deep concern for the environment, especially global warming, and that’s often the subject of my verbal outbursts. But while Bev and I are doing a lot, we aren’t doing as much as we could.
“The Lectionary Story Bible” offers a story based on Proverbs 1:20-33, “Lady Wisdom Speaks.” It’s on Year B, page 192. “Strong as a Rock” is a story based on Mark 8:27-38 found on Year B, page 193.
Every clergy library and every church library should have a complete set. Year C offers a complete index to all the stories.
There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – I can full warm and fuzzy and noble when I change something in my life patterns that reduce my impact on the environment. But when it’s imposed, I pout.
Last spring, I had a couple of “incidents” that – umpteen tests and specialists later – was finally diagnosed as brain spasms.
“Think carefully,” the neurologist says, “of things you do that would result in injury to yourself or someone else if you had a spasm in the middle of it.” The most obvious thing – driving.
Giving up the wheel, I’d thought, would be an inconvenience – more to Bev and to Jim than to myself – but I find myself feeling like a teenager who’s been grounded. Or a crook under house arrest. Even when I have nowhere I want to go, I feel like that.
Is it a “guy thing?”Is the symbolic significance of not being able to drive greater for most men than for women? I remember a few years ago driving with a friend whose eyesight had deteriorated well past the point where it was no longer safe to drive. He finally gave it up, but only after he had endangered himself and many others.
The other thing I’m wrestling with is the fact that I do not feel well. The prescription that addresses those spasms has a bunch of side effects, the main ones being headache and queasy stomach.
I don’t enjoy writing when I don’t feel well, and I’m not enjoying this issue of Rumors. But I’m writing it because I’m the guy who does Rumors. It’s a big hunk of my identity. I can’t not write it.
When Jesus asked his friends, “Who do people say that I am?” and “Who do you say that I am?” I’m sure he had more significant things in mind than my petty struggles with driving or my emotional need to write Rumors. But surely that was part of it.
During the course of his ministry, it slowly began to dawn on Jesus who he was – and what he was called to be. And it scared the blue spots off his skivvies.
We use our own experiences as lenses through which to understand the God story. And as I read that passage, I ache for Jesus.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Delighted to Help
I had another birthday this week. So I decided to give myself a week off and make use of a letter I wrote, tongue in cheek, a while ago when I got fed up with a flood of unsolicited mailings from eminently worthy organizations who all wanted me to support them financially.
Although this letter is addressed to the Canadian Red Cross – an organization I respect, by the way – its real target is every charity that views my wallet as a bottomless pit.
Dear Red Cross,
I’m not sure how long you’ve been sending me letters. Certainly I did not initiate this recurring correspondence.
Let me state first that I have no animosity towards you. I value the work you have done, especially during wars. I do not hold the tainted blood scandal against you any more – although I admit that at the time, I was angry about your apparent preference for protecting your reputation over your compassion for the victims of HIV-infected blood supplies.
I have, however, my own list of over a dozen charities that my wife and I support financially. I won’t bore you with the names of these charities, or the reasons why we choose to support them, except to say that we have some kind of personal connection with each one. So we’re not likely to stop supporting any of them. But also, since we’re already giving well over ten per cent of our retirement income to these worthwhile causes, we are not likely to add a new charity to our list either.
I’ve been wondering how much it costs you to send me your more-or-less monthly requests. I visited my local copy shop and requested an estimate for a large volume printing of a personalized four-page letter, with reply card and prepaid return envelope. They estimated the direct costs of paper, card stock, envelopes, color printing, and stuffing at $1.95 per unit. Then it would cost you 54 cents to mail the letter, plus another 54 cents if I reply. I’m guessing that each letter must also involve at least $1.00 worth of staff time, just for handling and processing, for a total of around $4.00 per piece.
Obviously, this does not include any additional inducements you enclose, such as fancy return address labels, personalized note pads, corporate calendars, etc.
Conservatively, then, your mailings to me must cost you around $48 a year.
I’d like to make a deal with you. If you stop sending letters asking me to contribute, you would automatically have an additional $48 available for your various worthy causes. That’s revenue that you wouldn’t have otherwise, just as valuable as if I sent you a $48 donation.
As compensation for forgoing the pleasure of your correspondence, I would appreciate a charitable donation receipt for the $48 I shall be saving you each year.
Otherwise, I look forward to not hearing from you.
Yours sincerely,
Jim Taylor
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Good Stuff – This from Don Sandin.
A plump businessman, dripping with gold and diamonds, came one day to visit Mother Teresa, fell at her feet, and proclaimed, "Oh my God, you are the holiest of the Holy! You are the super-holy one! You have given up everything! I cannot even give up one samosa for breakfast! Not one single chapati for lunch can I give up!" Mother Teresa started to laugh so hard her attendant nuns were concerned. She was in her mid-80s and frail from two recent heart attacks.
Eventually, she stopped laughing and, wiping her eyes with one hand, she leaned forward to help her adorer to his feet. "So you say I have given up everything?" she said quietly.
The businessman nodded enthusiastically. Mother Teresa smiled. "Oh, my dear man," she said, "you are so wrong. It isn't I who have given up everything; it is you. You have given up the supreme sacred joy of life, the source of all lasting happiness, the joy of giving your life away to other beings, to serve the Divine in them with compassion. It is you who is the great renunciate!"
To the businessman's total bewilderment, Mother Teresa got down on her knees and bowed to him. Flinging up his hands, he ran out of the room.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Donna Fowler-Marchant of Fayetteville, North Carolina remembers when she was in a small church where she had to do everything including the bulletin. She intended to type, “I Am Thine, O Lord,” and maybe it was a Freudian slip. Anyway, she typed, “I Am Thin, O Lord.”
Marie Zettler tells of “a lovely ecumenical outdoor worship service at our local agricultural fair today.” After the service, the program listed “Gossip Music, outdoor stage.”
Marie, we have “Gossip Music” every Sunday morning at our church. Except they call it the “Prelude.”
Katherine Roark of Lexington, Kentucky says the "Simon Pizza" blooper last week reminded her of typing Matthew 23:1-12. It should read: "He who humbles himself will be exalted," I typed, "He who humbles himself will be exhausted." Probably also true!
Marilyn Leuty says her folks in Grimsby were a bit surprised when they read in the bulletin that "’Doubt’ is available in the office.” Some of the folks were saying you really didn’t need to go as far as the church office to find doubt. Then it turned out that “Doubt” is the name of a movie available for viewing by people in the movie discussion club.
Coral Cogs Smith of Grange, South Australia has a husband with a set of sore ribs. The worship leader said, “Let us say a Prayer of Thanks as the children leave for Sunday School” Said husband “nearly fell off the pew” laughing, so Coral “gave him a good wifey glare and a nudge in the ribs with my elbow.”
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers or fun incidents in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – Any government that takes credit for the rain should not be surprised when it gets blamed for the drought.
Dwight W. Morrow via Cliff Boldt
Joy is the serious business of heaven.
C.S. Lewis via David Kaiser.
Whatever you do, do it with all your might, for things done by halves are never done right.
Anonymous, via Mary in Oman
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “double your money!”)
This from George Brigham who has just moved to Retford, Nottinghamshire, England. He got it from Roger Piper (of Teddington, West London.
George and Roger, you have just made the biggest contribution to the life and well-being of the church since the invention of duct tape.
How to increase the weekly offering…
* Theological Basis: 'As a man winneth so will he giveth.' Hez. 6:15
* Purpose: The ' BLT' (bottom line theory) is to get more money to find its way into the offering plates on Sunday mornings.
* Plan: Three simple steps to explosive giving:
1. When the stewards bring the collection bags forward the minister or local preacher will place all the offering envelopes in a big round bowl.
2. One of the stewards will step forward and draw out one of the offering envelopes from the big round bowl.
3. The 'winner' (person or family whose offering envelope is drawn) will receive double their money back!!
* Benefits: Listed below are some of the outstanding benefits from this “Sure Fire Stewardship Campaign”:
1. More and more members will begin using offering envelopes.
2. When you make the offering envelopes available only to church members you will be astounded at how your membership will grow.
3. Members will naturally put in more money because they know that if their envelope is drawn they will get more back (never underestimate the intelligence of your members).
4. Your worship service will reach new heights of excitement. You can imagine the excitement and drama each Sunday as the winning envelope is drawn.
5. You will have no trouble lining up stewards because of the excitement, honour, and prestige that comes with the job (and the opportunity to be the last to insert their envelope).
6. Your finance committee will never again have to worry about buying those expensive offering envelopes. When this new scheme catches on members will be more than willing to buy their own. You will also discover that many will buy more than one set of envelopes. I call this the 'bingo syndrome.'
7. Ministers will no longer have to work quite so hard on their sermons as that will no longer be the 'main event’ in the service.
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Bottom of the Barrel – The Bishop of the Arctic many years ago put together a team to translate the Bible into the Inuit language. The team found it hard to find the correct translation for the word “joy,” which was important because it is used in the New Testament at least 60 times. They could find 37 words for snow but that wasn’t helpful.
So one day the Bishop said to the Eskimo people: “Look at those huskies over there. They have finished their work for the day. The word we want is the word that describes what those huskies are experiencing.”
Some months later, when the Inuit Bible translation was completed, it was Easter at a local church and this is the English equivalent of what the congregation heard when a woman got up to read the lesson: “The disciples were in the upper room for fear of discovery and Jesus appeared to them. And when the disciples saw the Lord they wagged their tails!”
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Mark 8:27-38
Reader 1: Did Jesus have a driver’s license?
Reader 2: Of course not. They hadn’t even invented cars in those days.
1: Yeah. I know. I was just kidding. But this passage we’re going to read seems to have to do with identity.
2: Exactly. But I wonder, was Jesus really wondering who he was, or did he already know?
1: Well, let’s read the passage and find out. This passage if from the 8th Chapter of the Gospel of Mark.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
2: Jesus went on with his disciples to the villages of Caesarea Philippi; and on the way he asked his disciples.
1: "Who do people say that I am?"2: And they answered him, "John the Baptist; and others, Elijah; and still others, one of the prophets."1: "But who do you say that I am?"
2: Peter answered him, "You are the Messiah."
1: And Jesus sternly ordered them not to tell anyone about him. And he began to teach them that the Son of Man must undergo great suffering, and be rejected by the elders, the chief priests, and the scribes, and be killed, and after three days rise again.2: He said all this quite openly. And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. But turning and looking at his disciples, he rebuked Peter.
1: "Get behind me, Satan! For you are setting your mind not on divine things but on human things."2: Jesus called the crowd with his disciples, and spoke to them,
1: "If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake, and for the sake of the gospel, will save it. For what will it profit them to gain the whole world and forfeit their life? Indeed, what can they give in return for their life? Those who are ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, of them the Son of Man will also be ashamed when he comes in the glory of his Father with the holy angels."
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