Preaching Materials for September 6th, 2009

R U M O R S # 565
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-08-30

September 6, 2009

TEACHING JESUS
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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I really appreciate your notes, and Rumors is the richer for them. To protect me from viruses, please be sure that you put something on the "subject" line that lets me know that you are legit. For instance, the word "Rumors" works.
And please give your name and where you’re from. Folks like to know. Please don’t expect me to remember your last name if you just give me your first. Or no name at all, but just your e-mail address.
Maybe I should. But I don’t.

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The Story – an insult turned around
Rumors – the story of the Syro-Phoenician woman
Soft Edges – enough already
Good Stuff – two wolves
Bloopers – pizza, the bread of heaven
We Get Letters – an apology
Mirabile Dictu! – ohnosecond
Bottom of the Barrel – God’s handiwork
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Mark 7:24-30
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – He was a retired clergy, ninety years old and in a wheelchair at a nursing home. As one of the particularly comely nurses came near, he managed a slight whistle and some approving noises.
“Reverend Abernathy,” she said in mock anger. “Aren’t you a bit too old to be making passes at me?”
“I wasn’t making a pass at you,” said the aging cleric. “I was simply enjoying a fine example of God’s handiwork.”

Note: That comment, about admiring God’s handiwork, was also attributed to the storied Bishop Pike, when asked what he thought of topless restaurants.

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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, September 6th, which is Proper 18 (23)

* Proverbs 22:1-2, 8-9, 22-23 or Isaiah 35:4-7a
* Psalm 125 or Psalm 146
* James 2:1-10, (11-13), 14-17
* Mark 7:24-37

The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) Mark 7:24-30.

Ralph says –
Note that we’ve ended the reading at verse 30. That’s because there are two stories in that reading. The story of the Syro-Phoenician woman had lots of good meat in it.
The lectionary includes the second healing story, probably because those who did the choosing saw healing as the connection between the two. But for me, it’s the relationship between the woman and Jesus that is most interesting.
At least one commentary claims that in the original language, Jesus and the woman use different words which are both translated as “dogs” in the NRSV. Jesus says it’s not fair to throw children’s food to the “puppies,” but the woman says that even the “mutts” get a few crumbs from the table. She takes his insult and turns it back on Jesus.
This is, I think, the first instance in which Jesus is taught by someone else, which makes it even more interesting, because it was a woman and a foreigner.
I’ve written a story based on this reading (see below). Like everything else in Rumors, you are free to use it in your worship or Bible study.

Jim says –
I cannot resist the first half of this story in Mark. Frankly, I don’t care about the healings – there are plenty of other miracles in the gospels – but this is the only episode that shows Jesus changing his mind.
Jesus had started off with the assumption that his mission was exclusively to the Jews, the inheritors of the traditions of Moses and the prophets. But a gentile woman refused to be squelched. Jesus called her people “dogs”; she turned his insult into a rationale for assisting her.
From that point on, according to Mark, Jesus broadened his outreach to include the Gentile world.
But how to get that point across? When I can’t think of a simple object lesson or analogy, I usually turn to drama. I would stage a skit, in which Jesus and his pals rudely reject an outsider. But the outsider persists, and succeeds. Who is the outsider? Perhaps a woman approaching a group of men – or vice versa. A Hell’s Angel biker encountering a group of bankers. A Muslim with a group of fundamentalist Christians...
In case your imagination isn’t up to it, I’ve drafted a short script, which you can copy by going to http://edges.canadahomepage.net/2009/08/21/604/. Whether you choose to use it or not, the point is that this outsider helped Jesus reject the exclusivity he had previously taken for granted.
What are the exclusivities that we take for granted, and can grow beyond?

Proverbs 22:1-2, 8-9, 22-23 or Isaiah 35:4-7a – Over lunch just now, Bev and I were talking about the terrible famines sweeping through north and central Africa. Then I picked up my Bible and read this passage, and wondered how it would sound to the mother of starving children who has the dry, desert winds burning her face. And what is the best use we have of the little cash we can give.
The problem is so complex and the need is so desperate.

Psalm 125 (or Psalm 146) – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 Mountains are not easily moved.
God's people have faith like that.
2 As mountains gather around a little town,
cradling it in the hollow of their valleys,
so God wraps loving arms around her children,
protecting them from abuse and exploitation.
3 Hands of hate shall not touch them;
no guns or war toys will fall into their cribs.
They will not be tempted by violence later in life;
they will have no desire to make victims of others.
4 Let it be so, Lord.
Let a good start lead to goodness as an adult.
Show us that there is an innate fairness in the universe.
5 Let those who turn away from you,
who prefer their own ways to yours,
suffer the consequences of their choices.
Those who follow your way do not expect fame or fortune;
But let there be fairness.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

James 2:1-10, (11-13), 14-17 – The last part of this passage takes us right back to the agony Bev and I experience over the drought in Africa. If we are people of faith but do nothing about it, does not our inaction demonstrate the shallowness of our faith?
The nature of our action then? To send as much as we can directly to drought relief work. To increase our efforts to be part of the climate change solution rather than part of the problem. To let our representatives in government know that we want them to be working on those problems – and urgently.

A children’s version of the Syro-Phoenician woman story from Mark titled “A Woman Teaches Jesus” is found in the Lectionary Story Bible, Year A, page 184. The reading from James, titled “Doing God’s Work” is on page 191, Year B, and a story based on the Isaiah reading titled, “Why Do People Fight?” is on page 189, Year B.
A note from Cheryl Perry, the minister of Christian Education in the congregation where we worship, says the title in the bulletin for the reading from “The Lectionary Story Bible” should not be Children’s Scripture. “That invites the adults not to listen.” She suggests “Scripture Story.”
If you do not already own this helpful set of bible stories for children, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod

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Rumors – The Story of The Syro-Phoenician Woman

"You can't go in there," said Peter.
"Well, I am going in there whether you like it or not."
"I said, you can't go in there, woman."
"I am going in, mister. I have a sick daughter at home, and I am going in there and that prophet of yours is going to fix her. Now get out of my way before I give you a swift kick in the knackers."
Peter jumped aside. The fierce eyes of the woman frightened him. He followed her into the house. "I told her you didn't want to be disturbed, Jesus. But she wouldn't listen."
"Jesus? That is your name? They say you are a prophet. They say you are a very mighty prophet. Some say you are the Messiah. All right, I'm asking you. No, I'm begging you, Jesus, Lord, son of David, help my daughter. She is desperately sick with epilepsy. If she doesn't get help, she will die."
Jesus was sitting on a mat in a corner of the room away from the hot sunshine coming in through the window. He was meditating – trying to rest, trying to regain some strength after the exhausting work in Capernaum. Jesus was tense and tired and annoyed at the woman for intruding on his retreat. He kept his eyes closed, hoping she would take the hint and leave.
"Look, I'm sorry. But I need your help, Jesus. My daughter is dying and I need your help!"
"Just tell her to leave, Jesus," said Peter. "She'll listen to you."
"I can't help you. I'm sorry. That's just the way it is. I was sent to the people of Israel. To the Jews. Please leave." His voice had the edge of utter exhaustion.
"Surely, if you are a man of God, you have come to all of God's people."
"The children of Israel are God's people. Look, I'm sorry. But you don't take the bread that is meant for the children and feed it to your puppy, do you." Jesus smiled just a little during the last comment, perhaps to soften the insult. The smile gave her hope.
"Right," she said, her eyes flaming with desperation. "But even the mutts on the street get to eat some of the scraps off the family table. Surely, Jesus, your God has enough love to give a little to those of us who are not Jewish!"
Jesus recoiled a little. His hand massaged his forehead as if to ease a headache. He felt the woman's piercing eyes. Through his mind flashed the stories of his people, the wonderful humor of Jonah who was sent to bring God's message to the hated Ninevites, the moving story of Ruth, the foreigner, who became an ancestor to the great King David, and the stories his own mother had told him of his birth–of foreign Magi who came bearing gifts.
"You are right," said Jesus barely above a whisper. "Of course you are right. You are also very courageous. Go home. Your daughter will be well."
"Thank you," she said, and now her mother's tenderness went out to Jesus. "Go back to your meditation. You look as if you need the rest."
"Meditation, yes," Jesus said quietly. "You have given me much to meditate upon."

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Enough Already!
I haven’t heard much about electricity brownouts in California recently. A few years ago, every newscast seemed to have some kind of report about industries having to shut down, towns suffering power shortages, homeowners ordered to turn off their air conditioners...
B.C. sold billions of kilowatts to California, for which it will probably never get repaid.
John Burton says it’s because Enron folded.
Burton teaches business ethics at the University of B.C.’s Okanagan campus. It’s now well documented, he claims, that Enron created the rolling brownouts to increase demand, raise electricity rates, and thus inflate share values.
When Enron died in disgrace, so did the energy shortages.
Burton was speaking at a presentation sponsored by the Okanagan Institute, every Thursday afternoon at the Bohemian Cafe – a kind of coffee house for sophisticated discussion that used to flourish in London and New York a century or so ago.
On this occasion, the topic was greed.
Everyone seemed to agree that greed was bad. Especially if it harmed others. Even if it didn’t harm others, the participants thought, greed might still be bad, because it became an addiction, an insatiable lust for more.
And more.
Lewis Lapham, the former editor of Harper’s magazine, once described a survey that asked people how much more they would need to be happy. Uniformly, the respondents indicated that an additional 20 per cent income – if I recall the figure correctly – would grant them lasting happiness.
Which sounds realistic. Until you realize that they felt they needed that much more, regardless of their current income. Both the night shift worker at Burger King and the millionaire CEO thought they could be content with another 20 per cent, or whatever the figure was.
In other words, enough is never enough.
As I sat and listened, it seemed to me that the assembled group took for granted that material things were intrinsically evil. That’s certainly a recurring thread in Puritan theology. Indeed, it goes back before Puritanism to the “desert fathers” who renounced all material possessions, to free themselves to live lives of greater spiritual purity.
So the question kept coming up: “How much is enough?” How big a house? How many clothes? How many cars? How big a bank account?
As if being satisfied with less would make us better people.
But we would rarely apply such questions to non-material things.
No one ever thinks they have enough friends already. No one wants less health. No one objects to more cooperation, more respect, more sharing, more love...
Obviously, a shortage of these intangible qualities can be just as damaging as material poverty. But is it equally obvious that an excess of these can be damaging?
I’m not suggesting that everyone should aspire to Michael Jackson’s mansion or Jay Leno’s collection of exotic cars. Nor am I arguing that the Puritans were wrong – my inbred suspicion of ill-gotten gains runs too deep to set aside easily.
But I do wonder why we don’t apply to our social assets the questions we direct at people’s physical assets. Or vice versa...
How do we know when enough is enough?

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Good Stuff – This from Jim Spinks.
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. “My son, the battle is between 'two wolves' inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. “The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.” The grandson thought about it for a minute, and then asked: “Which wolf wins?” Very quietly the old Cherokee simply replied: “The one you feed.”

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Carol Wagner of Berridale, Australia writes, “I blooped in Holy Communion this morning! As we Anglicans stood solemnly to hear the Gospel, I read from John 6, where Jesus was explaining that he was the bread from heaven, which some of the disciples found too hard to hear and left. I continued, ‘Jesus turned to Simon Pizza and said....’"
Carol, is it possible that pizza is the “bread from heaven?” My grandchildren would think so.

From the file:
* Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.
* If you need to heave during the service, please do so quietly.
* We pray that our people will continue to jumble themselves before God.

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – When all the trees have been cut down, when all the animals have been hunted, when all the waters are polluted, when all the air is unsafe to breathe, only then will you discover you cannot eat money.
Cree Prophecy via Jim Taylor

My grandmother used to tell me, "Furnish your mind well; it's where you will spend your old age." Unfortunately, someone keeps moving the furniture!
Susan Fiore, AOJN

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. Anonymous via Mary of Oman

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We Get Letters – Only one letter about this, but it called my attention to the joke last week featuring the Lone Ranger and “his faithful Indian companion Tonto.” The joke had Tonto speaking in the kind of fake pidgin attributed to First Nations people, especially in popular entertainment of the 50’s and earlier.
I left that language in because the joke had Tonto blowing open the pompous stupidity of the L.R., and Tonto’s fake accent seemed to add to the joke. The one portrayed as stupid turns out to be the intelligent one. You wouldn’t really get that unless you had grown up on those Lone Ranger radio programs.
But humor which only some of your readers or some of your listeners will understand is dangerous at best and in this case was unnecessary.
My apologies to First Nations people who have been badly and unfairly portrayed in so many media. And to all who found that joke offensive.
Perhaps the rest of us should be ashamed if we didn’t.

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Ohnosecond!”)
This invaluable vocabulary resource from Jim Spinks.
New Words Coined in 2009. Note: These will be obsolete in 2010. * Assmosis:: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard
* Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
* Mouse Potato: The on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
* SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
* Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
* Swipeout: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
* Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
* Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the beejabers out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
* 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
* Generica: Features of the North American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
* Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.
* WOOFs: Well-Off Older Folks.
* Crop Dusting: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

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Bottom of the Barrel – An older man was quite ill, and said to his wife: “You know Sarah, you’ve always been with me, through good times and bad. Like the time I lost my job, you were right there, by my side. And when the war came and I enlisted. You became a nurse so that you could be with me.
Then I was wounded, and you were right there. And when the depression hit, and we had nothing, you were there, right by my side. Now I am old and sick and, as always, you are beside me.
“You know something Sarah? I’m beginning to think you’re bad luck!!”

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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Mark 7:24-30
Reader 1: You know, I feel sorry for Jesus. There’s a bunch of stories about Jesus trying to get away for a bit of rest and relaxation, but the people kept finding him.
Reader 2: He must have been close to burn-out many times. If it wasn’t the disciples, then it was the crowds who just wouldn’t give him any time off.
1: I’ve heard people say that Jesus wouldn’t really need time off. But we are told he was fully human, and if he was – you know, completely human – he would have desperately needed some R&R time.
2: It must have been pretty bad for him sometimes, because in the story we’re going to read, Jesus leaves the country. I guess he thought nobody would recognize him.
1: Well, he thought wrong. Jesus gets into a conversation with a foreign woman who could give as good as she got. He tried to kick her out of the house by insulting her and telling her to get lost. But she taught him a valuable lesson – that his gift was not just to the Jewish people. His gift was for all of us.
2: A reading from the seventh chapter of Mark’s gospel.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
1: Jesus set out and went away to the region of Tyre. He entered a house and did not want anyone to know he was there. Yet he could not escape notice, but a woman whose little daughter had an unclean spirit immediately heard about him, and she came and bowed down at his feet.2: Now the woman was a Gentile, of Syrophoenician origin. She begged Jesus to cast the demon out of her daughter. Jesus wouldn’t do it.1: "Let the children be fed first, for it is not fair to take the children's food and throw it to the puppies."2: "Sir, even the mutts under the table eat the children's crumbs."1: "For saying that, you may go – the demon has left your daughter."2: So the woman went home, found the child lying on the bed, and the demon gone.
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Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Preaching Materials for August 30th, 2009

R U M O R S # 565
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-08-23

August 23, 2009

POINT A FEW FINGERS

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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.

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The Story – narrow minded legalism
Rumors – a liberal fundamentalist
Soft Edges – heavenly downpour
Good Stuff – 23rd psalm
Bloopers – the lover level
We Get Letters – nine months of winter
Mirabile Dictu! – over the hill
Bottom of the Barrel – astronomically speaking
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Mark 7:1-8, 14-15, 21-23
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – This from Margaret Wood.
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, August 30th, which is Proper 17 [22].
* Song of Solomon 2:8-13 or Deuteronomy 4:1-2, 6-9
* Psalm 45:1-2, 6-9 or Psalm 15
* James 1:17-27
* Mark 7:1-8, 14-15, 21-23

Song of Solomon 2:8-13 – Like Jim, I’d like to go frolicking in the Song of Solomon (see below). The first thing I’d do is change the title back to “Song of Songs.” It’s unlikely that Solomon had anything to do with it.
And I would use a brand new resource that has just become available – “The Spirituality of Sex,” under the Northstone label. You can order it from the Wood Lake website. www.woodlakebooks.com
I’ve not yet had an opportunity to read the text but I know and trust the authors. I was thrilled by the art work. It has a tone of gentle and holy eroticism that is genuinely beautiful. It will only be pornographic to those who do not see human sexuality as a beautiful and sacred gift of God.
But if I were to frolic with the Song of Songs, I would have a couple – not necessarily a young couple – read the dialogue from “The Lectionary Story Bible,” Year B, page 184 which I think captures the beauty and holy eroticism of the book.

The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Mark 7:1-8, 14-15, 21-23
Jim says –
Oh, I’d love to frolic with the passage from the Song of Solomon – whether or not Solomon actually wrote it – but I think my congregation might be, umm, disapproving. Our hymnbook, Voices United, lists over 300 subjects in its topical index; sex is not one of them.
Besides, the only real story in this basketful of readings is Jesus standing up to criticism.
Too often, I think, we focus on the specific teaching, and not enough on the setting. So I would paint a picture. These guys are out on a picnic in the country. They sit down to eat together. They’re enjoying each other’s company. And some long-nosed nitpickers gather around watching them, and start criticizing them over breaking a few of the 613 Mosaic laws about ritual purity.
Jesus listens for a while. Then he gets up on his hind legs and delivers a withering rebuttal. “Get real!” he snorts. “Try using your brains instead of your law books!”
This is not a discussion about nature or nurture. The list of sins that Jesus enumerates may or may not come from within (DNA) or from outside (social conditioning) – but they are surely more indicative of character than whether one says grace before meals or wears his hair cut short.
I know people who insist that one can only be Christian by pledging unconditional acceptance of the Trinity, the Virgin Birth, the Nicene Creed, and/or the literal truth of every line of Scripture. I would treat Jesus’ rejection of the Pharisees’ rigid legal codes as a direct rebuttal of their modern-day legalism.
What one is and does matters more than any verbal professions of faith.

Ralph says –
Hey, Jim! Careful what you say about long noses. Those of us blessed with an ample proboscis maintain it is a sign of intelligence, virtue and warm personality.
The legalism that Jesus encounters in this passage needs to be addressed – and addressed vigorously. It is an example of the fundamentalism that is tearing our world apart. I’m talking about Christian, Islamic and Jewish fundamentalists who are feeding the fires of Middle Eastern conflict that could blow up into full warfare. Which is, of course, exactly what they want.
We, who name ourselves Christian, can really only speak to one of those fundamentalisms, and we need to name it vigorously. It is, among other things, traitorous. Far-right Christians need to be told that their rhetoric, in contributing to the escalation of strife in the world, and therefore to the deaths on both sides of the conflict is as traitorous as killing with bombs or guns. Especially since they tend to wrap themselves in the flag of their country while they are spouting their heresy.
Those of us in the mainline Christian tradition have been as bit wishy-washy in naming this evil that is among us. This passage gives us a chance to stand up and point a few fingers.

Psalm 45:1-17 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
2 You are my dearest friend; you are the brother and sister I never had.
I trust you.
Your instincts are sound;
your life is above reproach.
3 So stand tall and step out confidently.
4 You know what you stand for;
you know what's right.
Have the courage to take a stand;
defend your values vigorously.
5 Your words will penetrate to the heart of the issue;
your actions will expose the false claims of your critics.
6 Then everyone will recognize your wisdom.
7 Because you refused to be swayed by opinion polls,
because you maintained your integrity,
you will find favor with both God and humans.
8 But beware.
9 The beautiful people and the media personalities
will compete to call themselves your friends.
10 Do not be seduced by their charms;
do not forget where you have come from.
11 People in high places will flatter you;
they will ask for your advice.
How can you resist?
12 The wealthy will want to shower you with gifts.
How can you refuse?
13 Luscious women will cling to you
and rub their breasts against your arm;
14 The clinging silks of their gowns
leave little to your imagination.
How can you ignore them?
15 So hold tight to your principles
when you enter the world of the rich and the famous,
the powerful and the ruthless.
16 Keep your childlike innocence,
and all you meet will become your children;
you will be a beloved grandfather to all.
17 Then you will richly deserve your reputation,
and people everywhere will recognize your wisdom.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

James 1:17-27 – There are people in our churches, if pushed to the wall, would say that our creed is, “Be Nice.”
Or maybe I’m just feeling a bit cranky today.
Bev and I led worship in our church the Sunday before last. My least favorite part of the whole process is standing by the door shaking hands as people leave. I don’t mind it if they just say “good morning,” or simply smile. But when they say, “That was lovely,” or “You have such a nice voice,” I want to start yelling and stomping and foaming at the mouth.
I don’t, of course. I have been well trained to sublimate such instincts. So I smile benignly and reach for the next hand.
The writer of James tells us to be “doers of the word, and not merely hearers who deceive themselves (v22).” When my “message” has been a “massage” I feel I have failed as a preacher.
Bev and I are leading worship for this Sunday too, so I will stand right up on top of the pulpit and yell, “Get the lead out! Move your bloomin’ backsides!”
Or maybe I won’t.

In addition to the children’s version of “The Song of Songs,” the Lectionary Story Bible has a children’s version of the gospel reading which I think (since I wrote it) gets at the core of the passage. It’s called, “Jesus Turns Things Upside Down” and it’s on page 186 of Year B.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”

http://tinyurl.com/2lonod

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Rumors – It used to be a family tradition on our house. Now that our children are all middle-aged and I am well beyond my biblical three-score and ten, I suppose I’ve mellowed. Or maybe it’s just that my opinions have become irrelevant.
I remember, with some fondness actually, that sometimes during family gatherings father (me) would get razzed about his Neanderthal attitudes.
And the conversation was often most uncomfortable for me, because I prided myself then (I suppose I still do) in my liberality. My openness. I was willing and able to move with the times.
Right.
I squirmed the most when eldest daughter would tell how that liberal father dug in his heels and would not permit said daughter to have her ears pierced until she was well into her teens, and that father fulminated about “self-mutilation” and “pagan practices.” And when father finally gave in, daughter and mother went downtown together and both of them had their ears pierced.
Now in my dotage, I think I’ve become more accommodating. Maybe not to others, but to myself. I have a bunch of turn-of-20th-century attitudes I inherited from my parents. As I grow up, I can see my hang-ups more clearly, especially when I see my middle aged kids exhibiting them. I find it disconcerting when I discover that in many ways, they are more conservative than I am.
But still. When I read that Gospel passage, my knee-jerk sympathies are with the Scribes and Pharisees. They absolutely knew what was right – the key characteristic of fundamentalism.
Me? A liberal fundamentalist? That must be an oxymoron. But (shudder!) maybe it isn’t.
Those up-to-date leaders of the Hebrew faith knew what was right and wrong and reacted negatively when that guy from the provinces came and told them otherwise. Some people’s kids have all the nerve!
Anyone who messes with the traditions of the geriatric crowd, or worse still, the middle-aged crowd, is bound to get into trouble.
Just ask my kids!

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Heavenly Downpour
And then the rains came down.
I saw a light sprinkling on the deck the night before. But I woke to the sound of rain pelting down on the roof, splattering against the windows, gurgling through the downspouts. When I took the dog for her morning walk, runoff sluiced down the streets. Tree branches bent low, burdened by the unfamiliar weight of water that dripped incessantly from sodden leaves.
I felt like singing!
While the central and eastern parts of the continent suffered through a cold and wet summer, most of the west experienced a prolonged drought. Alberta farmers have seen their canola and sugar beet crops devastated. In B.C., the forest fire hazard went from high to extreme to ohmigod. Through the long dry summer, over 2400 fires burned in the province, with the biggest right across the lake from us.
Then the rain came, and squelched the fires.
Brown lawns turned green overnight. Wilted petunias perked up. Parched earth opened its lips, drank deeply, sighed with relief…
We who live in temperate climes sometimes need extraordinary events to understand the mentality of biblical peoples. We tend to think of rain as a problem, something that ruins our picnics. Children chant, “Rain, rain, go away; come again another day…”
But in biblical times, rain was a blessing.
The land promised to the Hebrew escapees from Egypt was not just a land of milk and honey, but “a land … that drinks rain from heaven.”
The book called 1 Kings records a three-year drought. The mindset of the times attributed the drought to God’s desire to punish King Ahab and Queen Jezebel for leading their nation into worshipping the false god Baal.
In the story, God sent the prophet Elijah and his servant up to a mountain top, to look out over the Mediterranean Sea. Six times, they saw only a burning sky. The seventh time, Elijah saw a small cloud, no bigger than the palm of his hand, forming out over the sea.
The drought had ended. The Bible says, “And the heavens grew black with clouds and wind; there was a heavy rain.”
One on-line dictionary of the Bible argues that because there’s no reference to raining until the story of Noah, “it therefore did not rain until that time.”
I don’t buy that kind of literal interpretation, but I do wonder if there might have been a prolonged drought before Noah’s flood.
Perhaps the land was so baked so dry, so hard, that when the monsoons came, the water ran off instead of soaking in. Like the typhoons that recently devastated Taiwan and China, the downpour formed torrents of mud, flooding the valleys, inundating the villages, drowning the inhabitants. Noah’s ark got swept away, like some of those houses that toppled into raging rivers, to wash up eventually on higher ground far from his former home.
For those who perished, I suspect, that particular rain was not considered a blessing.
There can be too much, even of a good thing.

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Good Stuff – Dave Waters writes: We were going thru old clippings saved by my mother over the years, and came across the following. Japanese version of 23rd psalmAttributed to Ted O. Wood
God is my father, I shall have no need. He lets me rest under the blossoming cherry tree. He takes me up to the refreshing waterfall. He quiets my heart.He leads me along the path of well-doing for Christ's sake.Though I face death I will not be frightened
for I will place my hand in His
and He will lead me where I cannot see.He will give me rice and tea as I need it. My cup is filled by His love. His love and His peace will surround me
until life's sunset, then I shall dwell with Him forevermore.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Freda Burns saw this in a church publication.
"Handrails along both staircases assist parishioners to [enter] the lover level."

This from Eva Stanley of Maple Creek, Saskatchewan.
When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.

Michael Stadtmueller says his church had a “Bike to Church” Sunday. “Bikers are invited to light smacks prior to the service.”

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – Faith is believing despite the evidence – then watching the evidence change.
Jim Wallis via Jim Taylor

Cliff Boldt of Courtenay, BC, saw this in last week’s Rumors.
He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
and Cliff sent this rejoinder.
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway, about William Faulkner

When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.
source unknown, via Margaret Wood

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We Get Letters – Dave Towers writes to say it’s his dad (Jack) who lives in Edmonton where they have 50 weeks of winter, and 2 weeks of road construction. “I take full responsibility for your confusion, as Rumors readers have been asked many times (by you) to add our residence to anything we send, and I often neglect to do that.”
Dave lives in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan where they have “nine months of winter, and three months of poor snowmobiling.”

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “over the hill!”)
Aphorisms on Aging
* Eventually we will reach a point when we stop lying about our age and start bragging about it.
* The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
* How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
* You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
* I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
* One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
* One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
* Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
* If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.

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Bottom of the Barrel – John Severson writes: “This is certainly an old joke – but a good one and maybe worth repeating.
I agree John. It also has a point – about not noticing the obvious.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kimosabe, look towards sky; what you see?'
The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?" "You dumber than buffalo poop. Someone stole tent."

I can’t help but append a delightful note about a cartoon I saw once. An aging cowboy is sitting at a bar looking utterly astounded and crushed. The caption reads: “The Lone Ranger finally finds out what Kimosabe means.”

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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Mark 7:1-8, 14-15, 21-23Reader 1: This I don’t get. Somebody reminds Jesus that he and his guys should wash their hands before eating, and he yells at them. He gives them a lecture. He should thank them.
Reader 2: You’ve misunderstood something. The hand washing had nothing to do with sanitation. It was not like those signs you see in washrooms. “Wash your hands before handling food.”
1: So what was it about? I mean, I think the Scribes and Pharisees had a good point.
2: It had to do with ritual cleanliness. People in Jesus day had no idea about germs and things like that. It was a spiritual practice they were talking about.
1: I still don’t get it. How can washing your hands be a spiritual practice.
2: It’s like baptism. When we baptize a baby or an adult, we’re not saying they need a shower. The outer symbolism of water is about a spiritual cleanliness. And outer symbol of an inner reality.
1: Now I think I’ve got it. Like communion. We talk about it as if it’s a meal, but the little pieces of bread and a sip of wine represent a spiritual meal in which our spiritual hunger and thirst are satisfied.
2: You’re a quick learner.
1: Thank you.
2: So let’s read the scripture. It’s from the gospel of Mark.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
1: Now when the Pharisees and some of the scribes who had come from Jerusalem gathered around Jesus, they noticed that some of his disciples were eating with defiled hands, that is, without washing them. For the Pharisees, and all the Jews, do not eat unless they thoroughly wash their hands, thus observing the tradition of the elders and they do not eat anything from the market unless they wash it; and there are also many other traditions that they observe, the washing of cups, pots, and bronze kettles. So the Pharisees and the scribes asked him, "Why do your disciples not live according to the tradition of the elders, but eat with defiled hands?"
2: "Isaiah prophesied rightly about you hypocrites, as it is written, 'This people honors me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me; in vain do they worship me, teaching human precepts as doctrines.' You abandon the commandment of God and hold to human tradition.
1: Then Jesus called the crowd again and spoke to them.
2: "Listen to me, all of you, and understand. There is nothing outside a person that by going in can defile, but the things that come out are what defile. For it is from within, from the human heart, that evil intentions come: fornication, theft, murder, adultery, avarice, wickedness, deceit, licentiousness, envy, slander, pride, folly. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person."

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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Preaching Materials for August 23rd

R U M O R S # 565
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-08-16

August 16, 2009

PUT UP OR SHUT UP

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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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The Story – commitment
Rumors – sadness on the sidelines
Soft Edges – of weeds and sin
Bloopers – the incredible peach
We Get Letters – eating chocolate
Mirabile Dictu! – winning big
Bottom of the Barrel – hit the delete button
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Joshua 24:1-2a, 14-18 and John 6:56-69
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – This from Bob Buchanan: A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections. One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill's henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!" The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, August 23rd, which is Year B, the Season after Pentecost, Proper 16 [21]
1 Kings 8:(1,6,10-11), 22-30, 41-43
or Joshua 24:1-2a, 14-18
Psalm 84 or Psalm 34:15-22
Ephesians 6:10-20
John 6:56-69

The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Joshua 24:1-2a, 14-18 and John 6:56-69

Jim says –
Today’s lectionary menu is like choosing between five variations on tofu! Solomon makes a tedious speech; Paul (or whoever wrote Ephesians) dishes out ringing rhetoric that’s painfully short on practical applications; Jesus finishes off his extended metaphor on the bread of life...
I would go with a mixture of Judges and John.
Joshua confronts the Israelites with a choice – “Choose this day whom you will serve.” The story reminds me of the formula recited when people get arrested: “Anything that you say may be used against you.” The NRSV puts it: “You are witnesses against yourselves.”
In today’s world, it says that everything we do, everything we say, everything we think, reveals the choices we have made. For good or ill. For God or mammon.
The John story illustrates that choice. A number of Jesus’ disciples find his teachings unacceptable. They go back to their former lives.
The television series “Jesus of Nazareth” portrayed this discussion happening around a campfire. With the firelight flickering softly on their faces, Jesus asks Peter, “Are you also going to leave?”
And Peter replies, “Where can we go?” He might have added, “We’ve already burned our boats. We can’t go back – we’ve made our choice.”
I would explore whether we, in our modern churches, have really made an irrevocable choice. Or are we keeping our options open, just in case things don’t work out the way we expected?

Ralph says –
I find myself agreeing with Jim. There isn’t much story in these lections. And by “story” I mean a theme, an idea, a narrative, a revelation that speaks to both mind and heart.
Unless it’s the ultimatum that’s at the core of both passages. “Put up or shut up!” “Do or Die” “Are you with us or against us?” There’s no shades of gray here.
The only thing most of us know about Joshua is that he “fit the battle of Jericho and the walls come tumblin’ down.” I remember standing on the site of the old city of Jericho listening to a lecture by an Israeli archeologist who told us there was no evidence at all of a battle in Jericho, nor of the Hebrew conquest of Israel. She told us the Hebrew tribes were one of many tribes in the area, and their ways and religion gradually displaced those of the other tribes resident there.
Which, for me, is a stronger story. It’s not hard pledging loyalty to the winner who can beat up on everyone else. But if you are one small tribe among many, and you are asked for a total commitment of all you are and all you have to a God who may turn out to be a loser, you swallow painfully, think deeply, and pray hard.
And that is far closer to the reality we face right now. Hard, quantifiable, measurable evidence does not come down in favor of the gospel of love given to us by Jesus Christ. Any experienced gambler would bet on somebody else.
Nevertheless, in the light of all that, we say to people, “choose!”

Psalm 84 (or Psalm 34:15-22) – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
We rarely think of the psalms as love poems – but how else can you describe this feeling?
1 I love you, God.
2 My heart races when I am in your presence;
my blood pulses with joy when I think of you.
3 Nothing is ever turned away from you.
You encourage even starlings to nest under your eaves
and worms to tunnel in your earth.
4 Each creature has its part to play in your universal symphony.
5 Whatever strength we have, we get from you.
Refreshed and renewed, we rise to face each new day,
and find that every road leads back to you.
6 In apartment blocks and office towers that rise
like filing cabinets filled with despair,
you comfort us;
When narrow minds turn into cold shoulders,
you nurture us.
7 When we cannot cope, you carry us.
9 You see us, you know us, you look into our eyes.
You lift us up when our bones melt with weariness;
8 You hear our prayers.
You stand beside us, even when we cannot recognize you.
So we call on you, O God of Gods.
Creator of the universe, hear the plea of your creation.
10 Let me stay with you.
I would rather be dirt swept before your broom
than a polished brass plaque in anyone else's boardroom.
An hour in your company
is more stimulating than a day at Disneyland.
11 You are like the sun that burns away the morning fog;
You are as clear and clean as the air after a spring shower;
Deceit and deception have no part in your personality.
12 You are the kind of God I want to be with.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

Ephesians 6:10-20 – Warfare and armor has fallen out of favor as a metaphor of faithful action. But it’s interesting to note that all the armor mentioned in this passage is defensive, except for the sword. I wonder if the metaphor of sports equipment – helmets, knee pads, etc. might work here, and the sword being the instrument that must hurt before it can heal.

John 6:56-69 – The metaphor of eating Jesus’ flesh and drinking his blood is badly off-putting for many people. Maybe Jesus meant it to be exactly that. Perhaps he was trying to weed out the people who are half-hearted in their commitment – the people who are not willing to work their way through their own protectiveness and insecurity to share in the deep intimacy of his life and his dying.
And perhaps we should stop chipping the sharp edges off the gospel to make it more acceptable to people – the sharp edges that hurt and wound before they heal and make whole.
Jesus knew that some would believe, and that many (perhaps most) wouldn’t. After all the rhetoric, all the historical reference, even after all of the signs, it comes down to this. Some hear the word of life, and others miss the good news because they are too busy arguing about words to listen to the Word.
They miss the invitation to eat and live.

The Joshua reading also occurs in year A, so a story children’s based on that passage can be found in the “Lectionary Story Bible,” page 232, Year A. A story based on the 1 King readings may be found in Year B on page 179, and on the Ephesians passage on page 182.
I’ve heard positive reports from a number of worship leaders who have read the appropriate story from the Lectionary Story Bible as the “Scripture for Children,” before they have the normal time with the children. That way the adults hear the scripture twice and are much more likely to understand it.
The Lectionary Story Bible has at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod

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Rumors – About 10 kilometers from where I live, the United Church of Canada is holding its 40th General Council. Because I was on a photography course at the university where the meeting is being held, I found myself walking through the area where they were enjoying bag lunches in the Okanagan sunshine.
I knew many of them, and it was fun connecting with them – noticing how much weight they had gained and/or hair they had lost (not that any of that has happened to me, of course). Then I had to move on to my class, but I did so with a feeling of sadness and grief – plus a bit of envy that they were making the decisions instead of me and my colleagues.
The envy didn’t last long. It was quickly replaced by a sense of relief that I didn’t need to wrestle with the decisions. But the sadness and grief is still there.
Sadness and grief because the church as a national institution is a few years older than I am, and it shows. The delegates are very aware that some drastic steps must be taken. The church simply cannot go on limping painfully through life pretending it is still a vigorous 40-year-old. The spiritual and financial resources are not there.
One of the delegates said to me, “There should be a ‘Do not resuscitate’ sign on the door of the national headquarters in Toronto.” That’s an overstatement, I’m sure, but it fed the visceral sadness I feel for a denomination that has nurtured me all my adult life.
It’s a malady that infects all the main-line churches in North America, and the United Church of Canada may be suffering more than most because it has positioned itself firmly at the liberal end of the theological spectrum. For that it is both reviled and admired.
All the delegates to the General Council agree that something must be done, and that “something” is drastic. They disagree about what that “something” is.
There is still energy in many congregations and a surprising number have a dynamic ministry. Not all. Probably not even most. But some.
And if there is a new United Church that is waiting to rise from the ashes of the old one, it is those glowing congregational coals that we need to blow on.
But it will take energy, faith and courage. Like that small tribe of Hebrews who were ready to bet their lives on the promise of a desert God – like those faithful disciples who left everything behind to follow a local preacher named Jesus even when all the sensible ones had gone back home – the new life and the new church will grow in the faith of those who are willing to commit everything to what does not seem, at least not at first, a viable cause.

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Of Weeds and Sin
If Okanagan Centre has a symbolic plant, it must be the Tree of Heaven, Ailanthus altissima.
Although it’s endemic in our small corner of the world, I rarely see it elsewhere.
Apparently, it comes originally from China – also known as the Copal Tree or Varnish Tree – brought to Philadelphia in 1784 by a gardener named William Hamilton.
The spread of the Tree of Heaven since then is rivalled only by starlings. Around 1890, Eugene Schieffelin released 60 pairs of European starlings in New York's Central Park. He wanted to introduce into North America all the birds mentioned by Shakespeare. His attempts to import bullfinches, chaffinches, nightingales, and skylarks failed. But Schieffelin's starlings have become, by one description, “one of the most spectacular environmental disruptions ever perpetrated by an individual.”
But back to the Tree of Heaven. Urban areas like the tree, because it grows fast and resists pollution. A Tree of Heaven formed the central metaphor of the novel, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn.
When we first arrived here, 16 years ago, I looked out from our deck and saw several magnificent specimens down among the houses below us, their domed crowns covered with reddish-ochre or pale yellow blossoms.
I wanted one. I planted a shoot at one end of our property. Too late, I learned that most botanists consider Ailanthus altissima a weed.
Not only does it scatter seeds by the thousands, it sends out sucker roots. They exude an organic herbicide that inhibits competing native plants.
And what roots! Cleaning up the corner of my yard, I ripped out roots 20 feet long.
Ever since biblical times, people have equated weeds with sin. Jesus told parables about weeds choking healthy plants, about sorting weeds from wheat at harvest time. Subsequent moralists have urged that sin, like weeds, must be totally rooted out, eradicated, stomped on, sprayed with Roundup – anything to eliminate them and to replace them with beneficial things.
That analogy breaks down when we remember that our beneficial plants were once weeds, too. Wheat and barley were wild grasses; cucumbers and tomatoes, wild vines. Even today, if you give a zucchini a chance, it will overrun your garden.
I used to think of weeds as unwanted plants. But that’s too subjective – after all, I wanted this particular tree. And some weeds can be stunningly beautiful. The wild blossoms that grace alpine meadows are, technically, all weeds.
So I suggest an alternate definition. A weed is a plant that doesn’t know its place.
Fortunately, that analogy fits for sin, too. There’s little wrong with most sins, if they stay in their place. There’s not much risk in gambling a few pennies on a card game, having an occasional drink with friends (unless you’re already addicted to alcohol, of course), or flirting mildly with an associate. The problem comes when the gambling, the drinking, the flirting gets out of control.
It’s only when something starts taking over your garden – or your life – that it requires ripping out by the roots.

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – from the file
* May all your days know God’s surprising grace, Christ’s incredible peach, and the Spirit’s unquenchable joy.
* A Catholic school bulletin giving the sports results: “St Teresa beats Holy Child.”
* A Ministerial Association received a request from the hospital asking for a volunteer to attend a meeting to discuss “improving the quality of patients.”

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – Some classic insults, courtesy of Jim Taylor.

A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
Winston ChurchillI have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
Clarence Darrow
He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx

And Sharyl Peterson of Grand Junction, Colorado heard this from several speakers at a Festival of Homiletics:
"A whole lot more folks love the Bible than know what's in it!"

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We Get Letters – Karen Bursey writes: A bit of wisdom from the internet by that great author – Anon. One of the great things about being a woman is that sometimes eating Chocolate can solve your problems.
Ps: please note the capitalization – needed for all important nouns!

Barry Kreider of Akron, Pennsylvania writes: Bev Ares exercise ditty reminded me of the one my grandfather used. "I get up every morning and the first thing I do is take a walk around the block three times. Then I kick the block back under the bed and go down to breakfast."

Dave Woehrer of Milwaukee, Wisconsin writes: After reading the "philosophy of ambiguity" queries, I forwarded them to Heidi Willison of Milwaukee, and she came up with these:
* Semi-boneless ham–-make up your mind–which is it?
* Why do you need a hot water heater if the water is already hot?
* Is it OK to drive in a parkway?
* Is it OK to park in a driveway?

Cindy Lou Ray responds to last week’s question, “Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?”
Cindy Lou writes: Well, don't know how many times I've seen that, but it's simple. You don't have to drive to use one. Some of them also have the ability to have their screens read with speech, so if you have ear buds, you can use them. If you walk up to an ATM Machine in a drive through, plug in the headset, follow the instructions, you can read the numbers to receive the menus.

Fran Ota of Toronto, Ontario responds to the joke about lifting potato bags. She heard of this one while in Australia a few years ago.
How to Reduce Your Hips
Lift both arms to shoulder height. Lift the left leg to touch your left hand. Put the left leg back down. Now lift the right leg to touch your right hand. Put the right leg back down. Now do this with both legs at the same time. You will feel the difference almost immediately.
Fran, in Australia, that is a perfectly reasonable exercise. As every grade three Canadian student knows, all the people in Australia and New Zealand are upside down.

Dick Cridlebaugh (which he says is Kreidelbach in German) wants to know, “is it OK to give congregation members your info [to Rumors] so they can subscribe???”
Is it OK? Oh, Dick, I have been known to pay, bribe, threaten, cajole and do anything to get people to get other people to subscribe to Rumors. Most clergy refuse to do that because then people would know why their sermons are so weird.

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Winning Big!”)
Some dandy book titles waiting for an author with the right name:
* “Transportation in the Middle Ages” by Orson Cart
* “Split Personalities” by Jacqueline Hyde
* “Home Maintenance” by Duane Pipe
* “Irish Winter Tales” by Pete Moss
* “Increase Your Brain Power” by Sarah Bellum
* “Looking into the Wishing Well” by Eileen Dover
* “How to Write a Mystery Novel” by Page Turner
* “The Great English Breakfast” by Chris P. Bacon
* “I Got Away with Murder” by Scott Free
* “Winning Big” by Jack Potts
* “Vacation Spots in the Tropics” by Sandy Beech
* “Dealing with Debt” by Owen Munny
* “I Always Enjoy the Darkness” by Gladys Knight
* “Doorway to the Haunted Castle” by Hugo First
* “The Long Road” by Myles Walker

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Bottom of the Barrel – Dave Towers is a grown man and should know better. But then he lives in Edmonton where they have 50 weeks of winter and two weeks of road construction. That’s why most of the adults get a little strange. It’s only the Edmonton children who are completely sane.
Dave sends the following, which I am running – even though my common sense tells me I should have been hitting the “delete” button hard and often.
Penguin rituals
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go?
Wonder no more!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick 'em in the ice hole.

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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Joshua 24:1-2a, 14-18 and John 6:56-69
Note: This Reader’s Theatre really needs three people – one for the roles of Joshua and Jesus, a second for the folks listening to Josh plus the disciples, and a third as a narrator. Especially since we’re trying to sew together two readings.

Reader 1: Why are we doing two scripture readings this time?
Reader 2: Because we follow something called the Lectionary.
1: What or who is a lectionary? Sounds like some obscure person who works in the government or something. A lectionary functionary.
2: Well, it’s not a person. It’s a schedule of readings from the Bible. It’s a selection of Bible passages designed to make sure that we don’t leave out any important parts.
3: So that’s kind of laid on. We have to read what they tell us every week.
2: There’s no “have to” about it. It’s not a requirement. We’re allowed to read whatever we decide to read, but we follow the lectionary suggestions because it helps us get a good overview of the Bible. The lectionary usually suggests four readings for each Sunday but we usually use only one or two. (NOTE: PLEASE EDIT THIS TO SUIT YOUR PRACTISE.)
1: And these two readings are suggested by the lectionary?
2: That’s right. And they have a common theme.
1: What’s that?
2: Loyalty. Committment. faithfulness, devotion, allegiance, constancy, reliability, fidelity, dependability, steadfastness.
3: All that? Wow? That’s laying it on pretty heavily.
2: Which is why it’s important to listen carefully. So. Here is a reading from the 24th chapter of the book of Joshua.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)

2: Then Joshua gathered all the tribes of Israel to Shechem, and summoned the elders, the heads, the judges, and the officers of Israel; and they presented themselves before God. And Joshua spoke to all the people:
3: "Thus says the God of Israel: Long ago your ancestors – Terah and his sons Abraham and Nahor – lived beyond the Euphrates and served other gods. Now therefore revere God. Serve God in sincerity and in faithfulness. Put away the false gods that your ancestors served beyond the River and in Egypt.
Now if you are unwilling to serve God, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served in the region beyond the River or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the one true God."
2: Then the people answered Joshua:
1: Far be it from us that we should forsake the true God to serve other gods. For it is our God who brought us and our ancestors up from the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery, and who did those great signs in our sight. God protected us along all the way that we went, and among all the peoples through whom we passed; and God drove out before us all the peoples, the Amorites who lived in the land. Therefore we also will serve the LORD, for he is our God."
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
2: And now we have a reading from the 6th chapter of the Gospel of John.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
This is Jesus speaking to his disciples – his followers.
1: Those who eat my flesh and drink my blood abide in me, and I in them. Just as the living God sent me, and I live because of God, so whoever eats me will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven, not like that which your ancestors ate, and they died. But the one who eats this bread will live forever."
2: Jesus said these things while he was teaching in the synagogue at Capernaum. When many of his disciples heard it, they found it hard to believe.
3: "This teaching is difficult; who can accept it?"
2: But Jesus was aware that his disciples were complaining about it.
1: "Does this offend you? Then what if you were to see the Son of Man ascending to where he was before? It is the spirit that gives life; the flesh is useless. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life. But among you there are some who do not believe.
2: For Jesus knew from the first who were the ones that did not believe, and who was the one that would betray him.
1: "For this reason I have told you that no one can come to me unless it is granted by God."
2: Because of this many of his disciples turned back and no longer went about with him. So Jesus spoke to the twelve – the ones who were closest to him.
1: "Do you also wish to go away?"
2: Simon Peter answered him.
3: "Lord, to whom can we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and know that you are the Holy One of God."

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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Preaching Materials for August 16, 2009

R U M O R S # 564
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-08-09

August 9, 2009

WISDOM

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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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The Story – a cry for wisdom
United Church of Canada General Council Delegates – an announcement
Rumors – an apology
Soft Edges – leaving a legacy
Bloopers – sexcess
We Get Letters – super jowl
Mirabile Dictu! – alge-bra
Bottom of the Barrel – chocolate, the perfect food
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – 1 Kings 2:10-12; 3:3-14
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – This from Peggy Neufeld.
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery Store.
A stranger approached and asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
"Sure!” said the boy, “Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."
“Thank you,” said the man. "I'm the new pastor in town. Why don’t you come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get To Heaven."
"Awww, come on...” said the boy. “You don't even know the way to the Post Office."
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, August 16th, which is Proper 15 [20]
* 1 Kings 2:10-12; 3:3-14 (or Proverbs 9:1-6)
* Psalm 111
* Ephesians 5:15-20
* John 6:51-58

The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) 1 Kings 2:10-12; 3:3-14

Jim says –
I do not find myself inspired by any of the recommended readings for this Sunday. But given the choice between further exploration of an extended metaphor (John), good advice (Ephesians), and a transfer of power (1 Kings), I’d probably go with Solomon asking for wisdom.
Perhaps that reflects some personal bias – I like to credit myself with occasional flashes of wisdom.
In reality, there’s not much evidence of Solomon’s wisdom in the rest of his biblical story. Most of it is about his possessions – from his thousand bedmates to his building of an opulent temple.
And so I would want to ask what makes us important. Is it our bank accounts? Our charitable donations? Our multitude of toys? Our sexual conquests? The enthusiasm of our fan clubs?
These are more than just questions for individuals – they also apply to societies collectively. What makes our nation, our civilization, significant and worthwhile?
We tend to have short collective memories. We think in terms of one generation, or two – probably three generations at the most. The Bible gives us an overview covering the evolution of a culture over more than 2,000 years.
Two thousand years from now – if humans survive that long – what will make our culture stand out in history?
I suspect that anything less than commitment to God’s purposes will leave us with as hollow a claim to fame as Solomon’s.

Ralph says –
There’s an interesting side-light in this story. It reflects an unhappiness that even the great King Solomon was known to worship at the altar of the fertility gods in the hills. It was a struggle throughout early Hebrew history – Yahweh versus the gods who promised abundant harvests and many children.
Those gods were so much easier to understand and the rewards they promised were so much more immediate. And the struggle has been there throughout history especially now that the gods of the consumer culture are strong, articulate and pervasive and use the media so effectively.
If you listen-look-read the ads carefully, you’ll discover that they offer everything the Christian faith offers – acceptance, meaning, fulfillment, love, hope, the abundant life. They can’t deliver, of course, but they make the promises over and over to the point where people have a sense of being fulfilled when they respond to the ads. And the rewards are so much more immediate.

Psalm 111 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 The bright blue planet spins in the vast darkness of space;
let all who live on the earth rejoice.
2 Only on this one tiny orb do we know life exists;
let all who live on the earth give thanks.
3 The vision takes our breath away;
let all who live on the earth open their eyes.
4 This fragile ball bursting with life is a work of art;
let all who live on earth recognize God's goodness.
5 Foxes and fieldmice, humans and whales, eagles and ants--
all are woven together in a tapestry of relationships;
let all who live on the earth recognize this reality.
6 And God has delegated responsibility to us;
let all who live on the earth be mindful.
7 We must exercise care not to upset the delicate equilibrium of shared life;
let all who live on the earth understand their responsibility.
8 A tapestry cannot be reduced to a single thread;
let all who live on the earth accept their responsibility.
9 This egg floating in the dark womb of the universe is like God's own embryo;
let all who live on earth treat it as holy.
10 We share an awesome and terrible responsibility;
may God live forever.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

Ephesians 5:15-20 – The exhortation to be wise seems to include only one for instance – don’t drink yourself blotto. I’m sure there are lots of other examples of how the gift of wisdom is lived out in the life we confront from day to day. Kindness. Generosity. Hopefulness. Justice. Inclusiveness. Many more.

John 6:51-58 – If it was ever necessary to explain the nature of a metaphor, it would be with this chapter. The alternative is the doctrine of trans-substantiation which may well be based on this passage.
I would think it would be necessary to say a few words about metaphor if I were going to read this passage. Otherwise the folks in the pew – if they were really listening – would be badly misinformed.
I do remember a lawyer leaving church somewhat angrily saying, “I don’t like being told to be cannibalistic!”

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Attention people coming to the meeting of the United Church General Council this week in Kelowna.
Margaret Kyle and I will be in the UCRD bookroom from Tuesday noon through till about 2pm. Then we’ll be at Wood Lake Books from noon through most of the afternoon for the official launch of the three-volume Lectionary Story Bible.
You’ll be able to have the complete set signed by both of us, as well as other books (such as The Spirituality of Grandparenting) that are still in print.
It would be great to see you there.

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Rumors – Nothing in this space this week. Between a rush trip to Winnipeg for the service of my nephew Tim Hunt who died very suddenly, and a week at a church camp with my kids and grandkids, there has been neither time nor energy to write anything worth reading.
Sorry about that.
Ralph

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Leaving a Legacy
I suppose I must be coming closer to the end of my life. A sure sign seems to be the number of organizations that implore me to include them in my will.
I doubt if they know something about my health that I don’t. More likely, anyone who passes a certain birthday becomes fair game.
“You may not be around much longer,” seems to be the message of these entreaties. “But you can continue to influence events by leaving some of your money with us.”
It’s an insidious but persuasive argument. Because all of us want to leave some kind of enduring legacy, don’t we? Or, to put it another way, none of us want to feel that our lives have been meaningless – that when we pass, poof, we’re gone, as if we had never been there at all...
So people with lots of money fund university departments that will bear their name. They establish libraries or museums. Erect buildings. Or just put up a park bench with a brass plaque on it...
It makes me wonder what constitutes lasting fame.
After the death of novelist John Updike last January, John McTavish, a retired United Church minister and Updike fan, collected some of the tributes and eulogies lavished upon the writer.
They came from other authors, like Erica Jong and John Irving; from editors who had worked with Updike; from classmates; from relatives; from people who had never met him but had their lives changed by reading his books...
One such tribute came from British journalist Bryan Appleyard. His comments (edited slightly) bring into focus the difference between being newsworthy and being significant.
“I know there’s been a lot written about Updike,” Appleyard wrote. “But if Barrack Obama or Tony Blair had died, the coverage would have been Updike squared if not cubed. Yet the death of an age’s great artist is surely infinitely more important than that of one of its politicians.
“Do you know, for example, who was prime minister when Charles Dickens published Bleak House? Of course, you don’t. (It was the Earl of Aberdeen – who he?). At the time, Forgotten Aberdeen, as we must now call him, would have seemed much more important than the publication of a mere novel. Not now. Bleak House stands like a rock and poor old Forgotten doesn’t stand at all.
“That’s the point – except for a few rare exceptions, all politicians are of their time and nothing more. History diminishes them by turning them into pawns of its hindsight narratives. But, for centuries, Updike will be read and discussed. Our strutting, fretting leaders will, along with us, have vanished.”
No doubt Appleyard recalled the speech Shakespeare wrote for Macbeth: “Out, out, brief candle; life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more.”
Maybe so. But the author of those words is still heard, more than 400 years later.
Now that’s a legacy!

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – This from Carl Boyke:
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

Tim Hayward of Trenton, Ontario was helping his congregation celebrate an anniversary. The materials they had gathered, said Tim, reflected “the sexcess of their fifty years together."

Nancy Prieb found this in the Sunday bulletin: “The Fundraising Committee will be serving lunch today following worship. The menu is a Salad Bare Buffet including salads, sandwiches, salad bar type items, desert and drinks.”

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – Have a good day. Unless you have made other plans.
source unknown via Lestor Wilcox

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
Winston Churchill via Mary from Oman
You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
source unknown via John Severson

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We Get Letters – Sharyl Peterson of Grand Junction, Colorado writes: “The comments on "Dare to be a Spaniel" (including the "purple spine") reminded me of other hymn bloopers I've actually heard:
The most famous, which lots of us have heard, is about the large bruin named Gladly, as in "Gladly, the Cross-eyed Bear"
When my Uncle Harold used to teach kindergarten Sunday School, one Christmas his little darlings stood up and sang out, "Hark! Harold's angels sing!"
And, one of my "vintage" church members (she likes this term better than "elderly") told me how her fellow grade-schoolers learned a new song for the annual Sunday School Parade: "Lead on, O Kinky Turtle."

April Dailey, of Ford City, Pennsylvania writes: Speaking of the “Super Bowel”, “would the winner of a world championship spelling bee be the recipient of a ‘Super Vowel’? A dog show, a ‘Super Howl’? Something truly for the birds could be called ‘Super Fowl’?
“A bunch of monks contending for the ‘Super Cowl’? Carpenters, the ‘Super Dowel’? A person with the most pronounced double chins, the ‘Super Jowl’?”

David Sprang of Gladwin, Michigan offers:
* a font of baptized
* a chalice of communicants
* a sanctuary of the saved
* a nave of pew sitters
* a congregation of witnesses
* a hymnbook of singers
* a communion of sacramentalists
* a flock of preachers

Bev Ares offers this very helpful exercise plan for people like you and me.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “alge-bra!”)
One of the things you learn as you get older is how to always find someone else to blame. In this case, it’s Sharyl Peterson of Grand Junction, Colorado. Or is it that the whole state of Colorado is so high up in the rarified atmosphere that they just get this way after awhile?
The Philosophy of Ambiguity * What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
* Would a fly without wings be called a walk?* Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
* If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
* Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?* If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has a right to remain silent?* Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?
* How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?* Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?* How is it possible to have a civil war?* If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?* If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
* Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of asteroids?* Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

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Bottom of the Barrel – Sharyl Peterson also sends this item (which proves my point – see above). It is heartily endorsed by daughter Kari.
Your Irish coffee as "all four food groups" reminded me of some frighteningly little-known facts about why chocolate is the perfect food:
1. It is a vegetable. Yes, a vegetable. It is made from cocoa beans, which grow on a plant.
2. It also contains dairy products, used to make it smooth and creamy. Eat enough chocolate and you can forget about drinking all those glasses of milk a day that the Daily Food Pyramid suggests.
3. If you eat the kind with nuts, you're adding protein and fiber to your diet.
4. If you eat the kind with little bits of cereal in it, you're also getting a serving of grain. And it's way better than a couple of slices of wheat bread.
5. Eat the kind with raspberries in it, or chocolate-covered fruit of any kind, and you're also getting a fruit serving.
6. Eat chocolate-covered ants, and you boost the protein. However, most of us are willing to forego that.
7. Finally, buy Fair Trade chocolate, and you're doing justice work in the world.
What could be better than that?

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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – 1 Kings 2:10-12; 3:3-14

Reader 1: I just noticed something. The first part of this passage tells us that David died at home in bed. That was pretty unusual, I think – for kings to die that way.
Reader 2: Exactly. And he reigned for 40 years. Most kings were lucky if they weren’t killed on the battle field or assassinated by a member of their own family. You remember last week Absalom tried to do-in his daddy.
1: So this reading begins with the death of David and the beginning of the reign of Solomon. David was known as a great military leader, but Solomon was known for his wisdom.
2: Solomon was also known for worshiping in the high places – in the pagan altars up in the hills.
1: Maybe he was trying to hedge his bets. He worshipped the Hebrew God, but he wanted to keep the fertility gods in the mountains happy too.
2: So let’s begin. A reading from the book of First Kings.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
1: Then David slept with his ancestors, and was buried in the city of David.
2: The time that David reigned over Israel was forty years; he reigned seven years in Hebron, and thirty-three years in Jerusalem.
1: So Solomon sat on the throne of his father David; and his kingdom was firmly established.
1: Solomon loved the God, walking in the statutes of his father David. Except that he also sacrificed and offered incense at the high places.
2: The king went to Gibeon to sacrifice there, for that was the principal high place; Solomon used to offer a thousand burnt offerings on that altar.
1: At Gibeon God appeared to Solomon in a dream by night; and God said, "Ask. What I should give you?" And here’s what Solomon replied.
2: You have shown great and steadfast love to your servant my father David, because he walked before you in faithfulness, in righteousness, and in uprightness of heart toward you; and you have kept for him this great and steadfast love, and have given him a son to sit on his throne today.
And now, O Lord, my God, you have made me king in place of my father David, although I am only a little child. I do not know how to go out or come in.
And now I am in the midst of the people whom you have chosen, a great people, so numerous they cannot be numbered or counted.
Therefore, give to me, your servant, an understanding mind to govern your people, able to discern between good and evil; for who can govern this your great people?"
1: It pleased God that Solomon had asked this.
2: This is what God said to Solomon.
1: "Because you have asked this, and have not asked for yourself long life or riches, or for the life of your enemies, but have asked for yourself understanding to discern what is right, I now do according to your word. Indeed I give you a wise and discerning mind; no one like you has been before you and no one like you shall arise after you.
I give you also what you have not asked, both riches and honor all your life; no other king shall compare with you.
If you will walk in my ways, keeping my statutes and my commandments, as your father David walked, then I will lengthen your life."

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