R U M O R S # 554
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-05-31
May 31, 2009
THE NICODEMUS STORY
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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The Story – abuse of the Word
Rumors – let go of the rail
Soft Edges – the way we wish we were
Good Stuff – I think that I shall never see
Bloopers – light sin
We Get Letters – enough to chop down a dozen trees
Mirabile Dictu! – pewtrify
Bottom of the Barrel – a new acronym
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 3:1-17
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – The pastor was counseling the young lad who was a serious procrastinator. “Finish the things you’ve started,” she said sternly but kindly. “Don’t leave things undone.”
The next day the lad met his Pastor on the street. “You told me to finish things I had started, Pastor. Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a pumpkin pie, and a large box of chocolate candy. I feel better already.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, June 7th, which is Trinity Sunday.
Isaiah 6:1-8 – This is poetry. As such, it should only be read in public by someone who knows how to do poetry. We would never ask someone who can’t sing to embarrass themselves and us by doing a solo in church. Why do we keep doing that with poetry?
Read as history or theology or anything else, Isaiah’s poetic outburst will shrivel and die somewhere between the lectern and the congregation.
Let’s not do that to Isaiah. Let’s not do that to ourselves.
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – John 3:1-17
Jim says--
I’ve been reading in the alternate news media about residential schools. No, not the residential school system in Canada, which has justly received harsh criticism and condemnation over treatment of native children. The Presbyterian, Anglican, and United Churches all issued apologies for their complicity in this abuse; the federal government got on the bandwagon with its own apology a year ago.
Nope, this is in Ireland. The Catholic Church ran schools, mostly for boys. As in Canada, much of the anger has focused on a group called the Christian Brothers.
Lord Acton’s famous quote applies: “Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.”
In residential schools, some people – teachers, administrators, even janitors – had power. It ennobled some, it corrupted others. When power is abused in the name of the Absolute, it corrupts absolutely.
I would draw a parallel with abuse of the word of God, as reported in the Bible. According to the Gospels, Jesus made one reference – just one – to being “born again.” But some parts of the Church have made it absolute, the only criterion for becoming Christian. John 3:16 becomes such an icon that citing the numbers alone is supposed to change lives. The “born again” mantra is wielded like a club – conform, or expect eternal punishment.
I call that abuse of the word, and of the Word.
Ralph says –
The story is in the John passage, except that it’s not a very well-written story. If you handed this lection to Jim Taylor, the editor, he would insert a huge red asterisk at the end of verse 10 and a note that says you left Nicodemus dangling in mid air. You don’t finish the story. The story turns into a sermon, and a pretty confusing one at that.
But there is a story in there. If we read on through John’s gospel, suddenly up pops old Nic again, this time putting his career on the line by speaking, a little half-heartedly perhaps, in defense of this upstart Galilean prophet.
And then, at the very end – what’s this? Nicodemus is doing what no self-respecting, three-piece suited Pharisee would ever do – he’s actually touching a corpse. He’s helping with the burial of Jesus. What’s going on here?
At the end of the story, Nicodemus is a caring, crying, loving human being. He is a new person. What was that phrase Jesus used? “Born from above?” “Born again?” “Born from God?” However you name it, the new Nicodemus has emerged.
It would be just a pleasant story if many of us hadn’t already lived it. Throughout our lives, there are niggles and ferments and bubbles. Sometimes we pay attention. When we do, we relive the story of Nicodemus.
I was once asked by a fiery-eyed young man, “Have you been born again?”
“Yes,” I said to him. “And again and again and again.”
In the Readers’ Theatre (below), I try to capture the larger story of Nicodemus, not just the snippet in this week’s reading. You are welcome to fix, adapt, modify, change – do whatever to make it fit you and your circumstances.
Psalm 29 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
In biblical times, a sojourn in the wilderness helped people clear their heads and come face-to-face with God. In our times, it's more likely to be a crisis that shatters the stability of our ordered lives.
1 Trust God – don't pin your faith to human capabilities.
2 Science and technology, wealth and popularity –
These will all pass away.
Only God is worthy of lasting worship.
3 Fame and fortune will not save you when the tempest strikes.
The winds whirl in; waves crash upon your shore.
4 Houses collapse like cards; corporations crumble; assets become worthless.
5 Branches break off; mighty empires are uprooted.
6 In a storm, you are as naked and helpless as the day you were born.
Your possessions, your wealth, your status are useless to you.
7 There is just you and the power of God.
8 Before God's anger, you tremble like a twig in a tempest.
9 All that you depended upon is stripped away, like the last leaves from autumn trees.
10 Before God's majesty, you face your own frailty.
Nothing can save you – except God.
11 Only God is greater than every human crisis.
Only God can sustain you through the storm,
and carry you to the calm on the other side.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Romans 8:12-17 – We experience God’s presence in our lives through stories we hear and through the lives we live. But it is good to try to put that experience into words, even though it will always be inadequate.
Paul is as good as anyone at the exercise, but even he has to break into metaphor, that of child and parent. It’s a dangerous metaphor, because none of us received and none of us ever gave perfect parenting.
But most of us (but not all!) can imagine what such parenting might be like, and if we can do that, we have a glimmer of what God is like.
For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 126 where you’ll find “Isaiah Becomes a Prophet,” and page 129 where we’ll find a story based on John’s Nicodemus account.
A suggestion. Have someone read the Nicodemus story from the Lectionary Story Bible while the children are in church. Then, just before the sermon, do the Reader’s Theatre version. Begin the sermon with your own story. Who knows? Some of the folks might make the connection to their own lives.
If you don’t already own “The Lectionary Story Bible,” click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors –
There are many journeys in a life.
A vivid memory is moving from the tiny hamlet of Horndean, in southern Manitoba to Ottawa at the height of the Second World War. I was nine years old. The move was not my decision, and I was protected and loved through it all by my parents and older sisters.
The first real journey of risk that I chose for myself was marriage. I lay awake the entire night before the wedding arguing back and forth with myself. I now know I did the right thing, though for all the wrong reasons. And, like Abraham, I had no idea where that journey would take me. My idea of marriage came right out of Hollywood and had no connection with reality. I also know, in retrospect, that God was with me on that journey into relationship (which I’m still on, by the way), not pushing, but offering strength.
Much like a parent helping a child on the first day of school.
My second big journey was going overseas to the Philippines as a missionary. Bev and I went, cocky and naive, full of fear and bravado and found ourselves plunged into the wilderness of culture shock. In that island paradise we did 20 years worth of growing in the space of 5. God was there with us, encouraging and nudging and smiling us through, holding hands, holding hearts and offering love, most often through the care and kindness of Filipino Christian friends and colleagues.
Now I’m poised on the edge of another journey. Like that first trip as a child, this one is not of my own choosing. I am well down that bumpy road into old age. And beyond that death.
I’ve had two recent brushes with death. I think of those moments with a sense of amazement. In the moments when I thought I was drawing my last breath, I felt no fear. I felt a mixture of gratitude and annoyance. Gratitude for a rich and full life that I’ve been given. Annoyance that I was leaving a life I enjoyed so much.
In a recent note, Mary of Oman commented, gently and kindly, that I often write about being old. She’s right of course. And I live in dread of becoming a terminal bore with a fixation on my assorted aches and pains. But when you get right down to it, we have nothing to share except the journey we are on.
Old age is a fearful, blessed time. It’s both painful and joyful.
Again I feel that gentle arm around my shoulder. Like Nicodemus giving up his corner office and stock options. Like Abraham’s journey to God-knows where. Like Sarah birthing a child called “Laughter.” Like Mary of Magdala putting her troubled life into the hands of a wandering preacher. Like Martin Luther hammering a revolution onto a church door.
I can hear an inner voice saying, “It’s okay Ralph. Just let go of the rail. Hang on to me. I am with you always. Even when – especially when – it hurts the most.
“Oh, and Ralph, there’s a beautiful surprise at the end of it all. There really is.”
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
The Way We Wish We Were
Just over a year ago, I injured my knee. I still don’t know how. I had spent the day before with friends, on a retreat, doing nothing particularly physical; I woke the next morning unable to walk without a cane.
Knees take a long time to heal.
I learned how to walk without an obvious limp on level ground. Going up and down hills, or stairs, was a different matter. And unfortunately, where I live, we have nothing but hills.
After I’d favoured my right leg for about six months, my left heel decided to retaliate. Now I didn’t know which leg to hobble on!
Both my right knee and my left heel are feeling a lot better, thank you. I rarely take a step that causes me to wince suddenly in pain.
But I realized the other day that I have not run for a year. And that bothers me.
I used to run constantly. I’d rather run than walk. I loved the freedom of running, the breeze in my hair, the sense of movement... Once when I missed a bus, I ran the three miles instead and beat the next bus to my destination.
Like Eric Liddell, hero of the film “Chariots of Fire,” I ran because that was the way that God had made me.
But then came a career, a marriage and a mortgage, children, community responsibilities... I ran only when I was late for appointments. Or for my morning cardio-vascular exercise.
Don’t misunderstand me -- I don’t regret any of those life changes. Without them, I would not be who I am today. And I like who I am.
But I wonder sometimes what happened to that young man who ran like the wind for the sheer joy of running.
Is he still running, in some parallel universe? Did he die and disappear forever? Is he still hiding inside this aging assembly of skin and bones and aching joints?
When I chat with other men my age, they admit similar wonderings. They miss what they recall as their golden age, a halcyon time when they felt they lived life fully.
And I wonder if that’s where some of our notions of heaven come from. I’ve never heard any description of heaven with crippled or infirm people in it, or with people still blind or deaf. For that matter, I’ve never heard of a heaven that still has slaves, or poverty – even the streets are supposed to be paved with gold!
I get the sense that in heaven -- whatever that is -- people expect to be restored to a time when their lives didn’t let them down. Uniformly, we seem to imagine that we will be young, healthy, free, rich...
We certainly don’t expect to spend eternity -- whatever that is -- inhabiting bodies crippled by accident or illness, or with minds debilitated by dementia.
Is it possible that heaven, like fashion magazines, is a form of denial of what we are, and of what we have become?
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Good Stuff – This from Robert Bates of Florence, Massachusetts.
(Note: With apologies, I hope, to Joyce Kilmer. When I checked the spelling of Kilmer’s name, I was surprised to learn that she is not a she. The full name is Alfred Joyce Kilmer.)
I think that I shall never see A church that's all it ought to be;A church whose members never stray Beyond the straight and narrow way.A church that has no empty pews, Whose pastor never has the blues.A church whose deacons always "deak", And none are proud, and all are meek.Where gossips never peddle lies Or make complaints or criticize.Where all are always sweet and kind, And all to others' faults are blind.Such churches perfect there may be. But none of them are known to me.But still I'll work and pray and plan To make my own the best I can.
Anonymous
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Gary England of South Pittsburg, Tennessee writes: “On the electrical panel in our church there is this wonderful Dymo label, which intends to note that a certain breaker controls the lighting in the nave. Early Dymo label makers were notoriously quirky to use. This label reads "LIGHT SIN CHURCH". Maybe we clergy are doing our job better than it seems sometimes.”
Barb Lindgren of Le Sueur, Minnesota (The valley of the Jolly Green Giant) was invited to preach at a baccalaureate service but the minutes noting that fact said she would be speaking at the bachelorette service.
Interesting, Barb. But it stands to reasons that bachelor’s come in assorted sizes.
Dennis Fonkert of Glenham, South Dakota, tells about a work party that came to mow the grass in the church yard and cemetery. Apparently they did even better. The bulletin read, "Thank you to all who came to move the church yard and cemetery on Friday.”
Becky from Norfolk, Virginia says Jim’s “review and analysis of email spam (and as a woman, I actually get the same quotas) brought to mind a blooper about an upcoming meeting of the Lions Club. Every single reference was (mis)spelled "Loins Club".
Becky, maybe the typist was being biblical and calling us to “gird up our loins.” Or had she been reading too many of those spam ads telling us males to do exactly that? I looked up the word “gird” in my dictionary, and the first meaning is to “to prepare yourself for conflict or vigorous activity.” Which I think is pretty much what they have in mind.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – Joy is more divine than sorrow, for joy is bread and sorrow is medicine.
H. W. Beecher via Evelyn McLachlan
Trifles make perfection. Perfection is no trifle.
Michelangelo via Stephani Keer
The one who laughs last thinks slowest.
source unknown
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We Get Letters – Whoooweee! If folks were still writing letters on paper, last week’s “Rumors” would have chopped down a dozen trees.
David Evans sent the first e-mail. “I woke up early this morning (4 am in Moncton New Brunswick) and couldn’t get back to sleep so went looking for my Sunday morning ‘fix’ of Rumors. Curses! No email from Ralph. Check the blog. Hallelujah!! It's there. Still amazed I spotted the typo at that hour.”
First of all, my condolences to poor David who reads Rumors at four in the morning. Secondly, it was that Scrabble or anagram thing in “Mirabile Dictu” that got to him. And a whole batch of people around the world. I’m sitting here trying to figure out why. Perhaps they are all Michelangelos (see above).
“Eleven plus two = eleven plus one,” is what I wrote in Rumors. It didn’t make sense to me either, but that’s not unusual.
David wants to know, “Is that the new math? And how can I convince my bank manager to adopt this system for my benefit?
Eleven plus two = twelve plus one and it works fine.
Mark Davis was on about that same topic, but went on to note that “a single ‘Presbyterian = best in prayer’ (as you pointed out), but where two or more are gathered, ‘Presbyterians = Britney Spears’. That may be a pretty strong argument for individualistic piety.”
Mindy Ehrke of Mount Vernon and Letcher, South Dakota adds a helpful comment. “Surely it's no coincidence that the word ‘listen’ is an anagram of the word ‘silent’.”
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Pewtrify!”)
John Severson has some new words for our vocabulary.
* Hymnastics: The entertaining body language of your song leader.
* Narthexegesis: Post-sermon commentary by the laity in the lobby after church.
* Pewtrify: To occupy a precise spot in the sanctuary seating for more than 15 years without once showing signs of sentient life.
* Hymnprovisation: The abrupt and unannounced transition from one song to another. It also describes what happens when the words projected on the screens are not singable to the melody the pianist is playing.
* Proliferation: A growing number of anti-abortion activists.
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Bottom of the Barrel – We have it on good authority (an anonymous e-mail) that there’s a delivery truck scooting around the city with three large letters painted on both sides and on the cab of the truck. I won’t tell you what the letters are, because they trigger some spam filters when printed in all caps. (How’s that for taking the name in vain?)
If you can get close enough, you’ll discover that the three letters are an acronym for “Guaranteed Overnight Delivery.”
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 3:1-17
Reader I: Today, we hear the story of Nicodemus.
Reader II: Nicodemus? Isn’t that some kind of patch you use to help you quit smoking?
I: Don’t be ridiculous!
II: Okay. So who is this Nicodemus?
I: He was a really interesting guy. A guy with a lot of courage.
II: You mean he really had guts.
I: If that’s the way you want to put it, yes. Nicodemus is only mentioned in John’s gospel. He was part of the establishment. Like a member of cabinet in the government. So start reading the story. It’s from the third chapter of the book of John.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
II: Now there was a Pharisee named Nicodemus, a leader of the Jews. He came to Jesus by night.
I: "Rabbi, we know that you are a teacher who has come from God; for no one can do these signs that you do apart from the presence of God."
II: "Very truly, I tell you, Nicodemus. No one can see the kingdom of God without being born from above. Or born again. Or born anew. However you want to put it.”
I: "How can anyone be born after having grown old? Can one enter a second time into the mother's womb and be born?"
II: “No. No one can enter the kingdom of God without being born of water and Spirit. What is born of the flesh is flesh, and what is born of the Spirit is spirit. So don’t be astonished that I said to you, 'You must be born from above.' The wind blows where it chooses, and you hear the sound of it, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit."
I: "How can these things be?"
II: "Are you a leader of Israel, and yet you do not understand these things? Very truly, I tell you, Nicodemus. We speak of what we know and testify to what we have seen; yet you do not receive our testimony. If I have told you about earthly things and you do not believe, how can you believe if I tell you about heavenly things? No one has gone into heaven except the one who came from heaven, the Son of Man. And just as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, so must the Son of Man be lifted up, that whoever believes in him may have eternal life. This is how much God loved the world. God loved the world enough to send an only child, so that all who believe in God’s child would not die, but have eternal life. God didn’t send that only child to condemn the world, but to save the world.”
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: So that’s part one of the story. Would you like to hear part two?
II: Yeah. Because we heard Jesus preach a little sermon to Nicodemus, but the story doesn’t tell us what happened to him. Did he run? Did he become one of Jesus’ disciples? I mean, if he had to sneak around in the middle of the night to have a conversation with Jesus, it must mean he was worried about being caught out or something.
I: Exactly. His reputation would have been ruined. So Nicodemus may have believed Jesus’ words, but he kept quiet about it. He didn’t want to lose his job.
II: But you said there was a part two. What happened?
I: Jesus went around preaching the gospel of love. It’s what he told Nicodemus in the middle of the night. And God hopes for our love in return.
II: What’s so terrible about that?
I: The Romans ran the country. They wanted everyone to obey the rules that the Romans laid down. Without question. And the religious authorities wanted everyone to obey the Jewish law. Jesus was telling people to follow God’s law of love. So they arrested him. And that’s where we pick up the story of Nicodemus. Jesus is on trial for his life. Nobody speaks up for him. Except Nicodemus. So read from the seventh chapter of the book of John.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
II: The temple police had been sent out to arrest Jesus. But they came back without him.
I: “Why did you not arrest him?”
II: Have you heard the way he talks? We’ve never heard anyone talk like that!
I: “You mean he’s got you fooled, too? Do you know of anyone who knows anything that has believed him? Has any one of the authorities or Pharisees believed in this Jesus?
II: But the crowd . . .
I: The crowd knows nothing. They are stupid.
II: Then Nicodemus stepped up and spoke to them.
I: “Our law does not judge people without first giving them a hearing to find out what they are doing, does it?”
II: C’mon. Nicodemus! Are you from Galilee too? Check out any of the authorities. Read all the books on the subject. Nobody, but nobody says a prophet can come out of Galilee.”
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: So you see, Nicodemus does step up to the plate after all. And they probably get him for it.
II: How do you know? The story just sort of ends in the middle of things.
I: Oh, but it doesn’t end. Jesus is crucified. He is dead. Then Nicodemus does something that tells us he is no longer one of the big wigs. He does what no respected leader would ever do. He touches a corpse.
II: What’s so terrible about that?
I: In our culture, that is not terrible. In the Jewish law of the time when Jesus lived, to touch a corpse made you ritually unclean. And no respectable leader would ever do that. Let’s read the last part of the Nicodemus story from the 19th chapter of John’s Gospel.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
II: After the death of Jesus, Joseph of Arimathea, who was a disciple of Jesus, though a secret one because of his fear of the Jews, asked Pilate to let him take away the body of Jesus. Pilate gave him permission. So he came and removed his body.
I: Nicodemus – yes, the same man who came to Jesus in the middle of the night – also came to help Joseph of Arimathea. Nicodemus brought a hundred pounds of myrrh and aloes. The two men took the body of Jesus and wrapped it with the spices in linen cloths. This was the Jewish custom.
I: Now there was a garden in the place where Jesus was crucified, and in the garden there was a new tomb in which no one had been laid. And there, they laid the body of Jesus.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
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To Unsubscribe:
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Preaching Materials for May 31, 2009
R U M O R S # 554
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-05024
May 24th, 2009
LIVING BONES AND A FIERY SPIRIT
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.
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The Story – the stuff of high metaphor
Rumors – a dry old stick
Soft Edges – freezing the process of change
Bloopers – on seahorses
We Get Letters – acceptable language
Mirabile Dictu! – the best in prayer
Bottom of the Barrel – a really awful “shaggy dog”
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Ezekiel 37:1-14 and Acts 2:1-21
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – The well-known evangelist was trying to find his way in a strange city. Finally he asked a young girl for directions. “How do you get to the Town Hall?” he asked.
The girl gave him directions, then asked, “Why do you want to go to the Town Hall?”
“Because I’m to give a speech there.”
“What will the speech be about?” the girl asked.
“How to get to heaven.”
“How to get to heaven? And you can’t even find your way to the Town Hall?!”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, May 31th, which is Pentecost Sunday. The readings suggested in the Revised Common Lectionary are as follows:
Acts 2:1-21 or Ezekiel 37:1-14Psalm 104:24-34, 35bRomans 8:22-27 or Acts 2:1-21John 15:26-27; 16:4b-15
[If the passage from Ezekiel is chosen for the First Reading, the passage from Acts is used as the Second Reading.]
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) Acts 2:1-21 and Ezekiel 37:1-14
Jim says –
In my congregation, I would start with a quiz – what images do they think of when an insight suddenly strikes them? I’m guessing (in advance, of course) that several people will think of a light bulb coming on. Or an electric shock. Perhaps a billboard, a text message, a whack on the head...
But no one will mention tongues of fire, or gusts of wind.
The Pentecost story is clearly metaphorical. The biblical text itself says, _like_ a mighty wind; tongues _as of_ fire...
Metaphor is like the sacraments – defined by Augustine of Hippo as "a visible sign of an invisible reality." Tragically, our society has lost its sense of the metaphoric. We distrust metaphors and analogies. We expect facts.
Yet we still speak of getting fired up. Burning with passion. Suffering burnout. We refer to spirited horses, team spirit, blowing out the cobwebs, feeling a fresh wind, a storm of change...
Those are all metaphors – a way of expressing something that would otherwise be inexpressible. Because the Holy Spirit was not a thing, to be measured and dissected. It was a feeling, an attitude.
In our obsession with the concrete, we’ve even made the Holy Spirit a noun. We capitalize it, like a proper name. But in truth, it was more like a verb – just as “faith” in Hebrew, mn, was a verb, best translated as “to trust.”
Ralph says…
Jim would have us tell the Pentecost story, and I agree. But I love that Ezekiel story, and so I want to include it too. And the two stories fit together nicely. Both are about the power of God’s Spirit coming with power and passion. And as Jim points out, the stories are the stuff of high metaphor. Both literalism and logic will lead us astray.
Some years ago at a worship conference, I saw how the Spirit can transcend language. We were talking about music in worship. A young woman, a dancer, said she had a tune deep down inside her but couldn’t sing it. She could only dance it.
One of the resource people, a trumpet player, suggested that perhaps if she danced, he might be able to interpret her dance on his instrument. The two worked together for well over an hour. She danced. He played. And together they created something new.
Later that day, they played and danced a melody of haunting grace and power – a melody through which the Spirit spoke “with sighs too deep for words.” (Romans 8:26)
Our western European Protestant Tradition has gorged itself on words. My writing this newsletter and you reading it are symptoms of this addiction. Any analysis of our normal worship would conclude that if we can’t put it into words, it isn’t real. But at the same time we all know that the deepest realities of our social and spiritual lives can never be contained in words.
Each week I struggle to get just a little beyond my verbal addiction as I add photos to the words of hymns and liturgy that are projected onto screens during our worship. Most often I succeed only in adding a bit of visual beauty to the worship experience, but sometimes I can extend, illustrate or sharpen the message. Occasionally, I can raise a hymn or a response onto a new and exciting level of meaning.
Psalm 104:24-34 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
24 Abundant and plentiful are your creations, O Lord;
you imagined them, and they came into being.
The world is full of your vision.
25, 26 You fill the abyss with the ocean, the seamless womb of life.
Upon its surface, you support tankers and freighters and cruise ships;
in its depths dwell creatures beyond counting--
sleek and gaudy, strange and deadly,
anchored like rocks and faster than fear.
From invisible plankton to playful whales,
the Lord God made them all.
27 All these owe their existence to you;
you set each in an environment where it can survive.
29 But if you turned your thoughts away from them, they would vanish,
a fleeting figment of your imagination.
Your spirit gives them life, as your spirit put breath in our clay;
without it, we return to the dust from which we came,
the dead elements of bygone stars.
30 Blow your breath through our being, Lord.
Create us afresh;
renew the life of your creation.
31 Then the glory of God will go on forever;
all living things will rejoice in God's gift of life.
The vision of the Lord will be evident
in all creatures great and small;
32 from coral cells to the continents themselves.
God strokes the earth and it trembles in ecstasy;
The Lord excites the mountains and they erupt in lava.
33 Is it any wonder I sing the praises of God?
As long as I live, my life itself attests God's glory.
34 So may even my imagination be devoted to God,
and let the Lord fill all my thoughts.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Romans 8:22-27 – Paul is reaching beyond the confines of his own analysis – to express the inexpressible reality of a Spirit that works and weaves and groans through our lives, always leading us forward into the light.
John 15:26-27; 16:4b-15 – “I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now,” (16:12) Jesus tells the disciples. And that seems to be the constantly surprising refrain that echoes through our lives. We experience the Spirit in our lives one moment, then almost immediately know that the revelation is not complete, but there’s more life to come before we are ready to receive it.
Both the Ezekiel legend and the Pentecost story are told for children in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” pages 122 & 124.
Some of you will be coming to the General Council meeting of the United Church of Canada which happens in Kelowna where I live, in mid-August. We’ll be launching the three-volume set of the Lectionary Story Bible. Margaret and I hope to be there much of the time to autograph copies for you personally or for your church library.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday of the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – Let's face it. I'm a pretty dry old stick.
I like my worship services straight. A little "speaking in tongues" goes a long way for me.
A dozen or more years ago while studying in Israel, I went with two new friends to worship at the Anglican church in Jerusalem's old city. They were two retired nurses working at a convent near Jerusalem, both of them recently from Vancouver near where I live – one of them originally from Jamaica.
The Jamaican woman entered the church first, and the usher immediately showed her to the middle of a large unoccupied section. We followed.
Soon we were surrounded by a huge Nigerian delegation. My Jamaican friend thought it must have been her black skin that had the usher thinking she was part of that group. It was a mistake we enjoyed, because the Nigerians were gregarious and happy. Hands were shaken and conversations started before the worship began.
It was comfortably low-church Anglican. But during a long extemporaneous pastoral prayer, the tongues began. Not from our Nigerian friends. They were as surprised as we were.
The speaking in tongues turned into singing, and the strange harmonies and cadences drifted around and through the traditional architecture of the old church building. The tongues seemed to have both freedom and dignity and flowed easily around the gothic arches of that old church.
I had experienced tongues on many occasions. I've been fascinated, amused, sometimes repelled, but never inspired. This time, the tongues had a dignity – a place. They had not become an end in itself. They became another way for the Spirit to communicate. And I was spiritually warmed.
Not long afterward, the priest invited the Nigerians to sing. They stood up all around us – we three Canadians found ourselves right in the middle of a Nigerian choir.
We couldn't understand their words any more than we could the strange words of the singing in tongues. But we could see their faces glow, and their bodies move as they sang their faith with wonderful joy. The Spirit used them to communicate. And I was spiritually warmed.
At the end of the service – the Eucharist. Nothing unusual about it. Words I had come to know and expect. Liturgy I had come to know and expect. But again, the Spirit used that familiar Eucharist to communicate. And I was spiritually warmed.
We had coffee afterwards, my two Canadian friends and I, and two Nigerian's who had been sitting near us. The Spirit, it seems, had reached them too – through the traditional liturgy, the charismatic speaking and singing, the Nigerians song and the Eucharist. There was joy in that discovery, but for me, judgment too.
"You're a dry old stick, Ralph," the Spirit seemed to be saying to me, "but don't box the Spirit into your dry old dislikes and prejudices."
Maybe even a dry old stick can sprout a few new leaves.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Freezing the Process of Change
I am not the same person today that I was yesterday. I’ve added some experiences; I’ve lost some memories; I’ve replaced a certain proportion of my skin and organ cells.
Technically, that’s not evolution. It’s merely the inevitable process of aging.
In true evolution, change happens to whole species, not to individuals, and over a much longer period.
But both processes reflect the same basic truth – we are constantly changing. As individuals, as a species, as a society, as a world.
My former dentist, who studied these things, assured me that a tiny but measurable percentage of humans no longer grow wisdom teeth. In a world where we no longer have to crack bones with our jaws to extract marrow, wisdom teeth are becoming a liability, not an asset.
Similarly, I’m told, the percentage of short-sighted people is slowly increasing, as humans adapt to a world where billboards, books, and computer screens matter more than seeing a prowling lion on the horizon.
We have social evolution, too. The present system of universal suffrage (for anyone over 18) is not the status quo my great-grandfather would have known. In his day, only men could vote. Before that, only male property owners. Before that, only the nobles. And before that...
So why, I wonder, do we assume that our current context is the ultimate?
It’s as if we want to freeze time. As if this steady process of change achieved perfection at some specific point, and should henceforth and forevermore remained locked immovably into place.
I, for one, do not believe that the human race reached its pinnacle in North American civilization. Industries that spew toxic chemicals indiscriminately, vehicles that guzzle million-year-old life forms, wars that slaughter uncounted civilians, fisheries that strip-mine the oceans, suburbs that spread into farmland like a virus – is this really the best we can be?
Unfortunately, organized religions may be the worst offenders in immobilizing change. Christianity believes that nothing can update Jesus; Islam believes the same about Mohammed and the Koran. Baha’i locks onto Baha’u’llah, Christian Science onto Mary Baker Eddy, Scientology onto L. Ron Hubbard...
Some Christian denominations reject evolution outright. Others accept evolution in principle, as long as it applies to everyone but themselves.
A friend once cynically commented that you can tell when any faith group freeze-framed its theology by the garb its priests and functionaries wear. Some still wear the robes of the fifth century or the frock coats of the 1900s; others cling to the business suits of the 1960s or the jeans and long hair of the 1980s...
No, I do not want to return to some imagined paradise of the past. That is equally an attempt to freeze time.
I want us to recognize that the process of evolving cannot stop, and will not stop. That applies to everything from democratic procedures to social institutions to religious doctrines.
When an individual stops changing, we call it death. When a collective body stops evolving, it too is in danger of dying.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – April Dailey of Ford City, Pennsylvania writes: “Today, I preached on ‘change’. Then we sang the Hymn of the Day – ‘O Christ the Same.’ Hmmmmm....”
Claire Phillips of Deming, New Mexico writes: “Fortunately this was caught by my proof reader before it went to press. ‘The mission also operates a food panty...’ Obviously, it should have read pantry.”
This from Jim Taylor. “Marie-Lynn Hammond found ‘a story about the tourism allure of the Yucatan peninsula which referred to its ‘its spectacular snorkeling among the corrals...’
“Marie-Lynn added, ‘And that would presumably be done on seahorses?’"
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – Apathy is the glove into which evil slips its hand
Bodie Thoene via Jim Taylor
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
Frederic Bastiat via John Severson
The fear of God is not the beginning of wisdom but the end.
Clarence Darrow via Stephani Keer
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We Get Letters – Karl Wilderoder of Chatham, Kent writes: “On a visit to Florida many years ago I saw a sign outside a Baptist Church saying ‘This is a hospital for sinners.’
What a wonderful description of our job!”
Kim Gratton of Orleans, Ontario writes: “Just wanted to let you know that my spam filter did not like your title this week. I guess "Down & Dirty" is not acceptable language!”
Gee whizzakers, Batman, in view of what they let through, it makes me scratch my poor bald spot.
Vern Ratzlaff tells me I started something with the two-line limerick. Seems it generated assorted letters from his friends, including one from Alicia of Gallow (sounds like a medieval Spanish mystic) who completed the limerick and sent along an additional poem by Ogden Nash.
There was a young girl from Peru
Whose limericks end at line two
So I sent her to Chili
To stop being silly
For two lines will never do.
The firefly's flame
Is something for which science has no name
I can think of nothing eerier
Than flying around with an unidentified glow on one's posterior
Evelyn McLachlan reports that “the FDA has banned the drug that makes people become monks. They said it's habit forming.”
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “best in prayer!”)
This from Margaret Wood. Someone out there is deadly at Scrabble, or whatever that game is where you rearrange letters. When you do that, you get new words and the occasional insight.
* Dormitory: = dirty room
* Presbyterian == best in prayer
* The eyes = they see
* George Bush = He bugs Gore
* Slot machines = cash lost in me
* Animosity = is no amity
* Election results = Lies – let’s recount
* A decimal point = I’m a dot in place
* The earthquakes = that queer shake
* Eleven plus two = eleven plus one
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Bottom of the Barrel – There was a 19th century English fellow who led a most colorful life. At one point he was nominally a trade representative for England in Paris, but was in fact doing espionage for the British government.
While there, he fell passionately in love with the notorious cross-dressing novelist George Sand, but she scornfully spurned his attentions.
Returning to England, he became a noted horse breeder, whose glossy brown steeds were prized throughout the land. He was also a patron of the arts, helping a noted Norwegian relocate to England where he had a successful career.
His biographer began his book, “He was the spy Sand rejected, a man of sorrels and acquainted with Grieg.”
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Ezekiel 37:1-14 and Acts 2:1-21.
Reader I: Two readings from the Bible for this Sunday? Why two?
Reader II: Because it’s going to take more than one story before you and I really understand what it’s about.
I: So tell me. Give me the condensed version. In 25 words or less.
II: No.
I: No? Why no? All I want is the plain, bare facts.
II: Because that’s the whole point. These passages are about something more than facts. These passages should not be explained. They deal in metaphor.
I: OK, I’ll bite. What’s a metaphor?
II: Metaphor is like the sacraments. A visible sign of an invisible reality. It’s like that cross over there (POINT TO CROSS IN CHANCEL OR WHEREVER). It’s just two lines of wood. It could mean nothing at all. But it could also be a symbol of God’s gift of life and hope and love.
I: I think I’ve got it. I have a friend who goes to see her husband every day. He’s in a nursing home, with a sad case of Alzheimers. She feeds him his lunch every day, and she talks to him and shows him pictures of their grandchildren. I’ve never had to ask if she loved her husband. The story of what she does tells everything.
II: Exactly. And we are going to hear two stories – one from the Hebrew Scriptures and one from the Christian Scriptures. Neither of them can be explained.
I: Couldn’t we at least try?
II: No. If you explain it, you miss the point.
I: So what are the stories that we’re going to hear.
II: The first one is a story about the prophet Ezekiel, and he tells the story of his vision – his dream. It’s a dream he had about the people of Israel. Why don’t you start. It’s the 37th chapter of the book of Ezekiel.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: The hand of the Lord came upon me, and brought me out by the spirit of the Lord and set me down in the middle of a valley. It was full of bones. The spirit led me all around them. There were very many lying in the valley, and they were very dry. Then the spirit spoke to me.
II: "Mortal, can these bones live?"
I: "O Lord God, you know."
II: "Then prophesy to these bones. Speak to them.
I: O dry bones, hear the word of the Lord. I will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live. I will lay sinews on you, and will cause flesh to come upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and you shall live; and you shall know that I am the Lord."
II: So Ezekiel prophesied as he had been commanded. And suddenly there was a noise, a rattling, and the bones came together, bone to its bone.
I: I looked, and there were sinews on them, and flesh had come upon them, and skin had covered them; but there was no breath in them.
II: "Prophesy to the breath, prophesy, mortal, and say to the breath: Thus says the Lord God: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe upon these slain, that they may live."
I: I prophesied as the spirit commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived, and stood on their feet, a vast multitude.
II: "Mortal, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They say, 'Our bones are dried up, and our hope is lost; we are cut off completely. Therefore prophesy to these bones.
I: Thus says the Lord God: I am going to open your graves, and bring you up from your graves, O my people; and I will bring you back to the land of Israel. And you shall know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves, and bring you up from your graves, O my people. I will put my spirit within you, and you shall live, and I will place you on your own soil; then you shall know that I, the Lord, have spoken and will act.
II: Thus says the Lord!
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: Yeah. Wow! I can just imagine old Ezekiel talking to the Hebrews and saying, “That bunch of bones in the valley – that’s you folks! And God’s got plans for you, so get up and start dancin’.”
II: We’ve got a few of those bones lying around in our church.
I: You got that right. Do you suppose God has plans for us as we listen to our dry bones rattlin’ away.
II: I have no doubt at all. And that takes us to our second story, which is also both weird and wonderful. This is from the Christian Scriptures, but it’s about that same spirit that was rattling Ezekiel’s dry bones. Only this time, when those first Christians couldn’t explain what had happened to them, they used the metaphors of fire and wind.
I: So. Let’s read this story from the second chapter of the book of Acts. It’s a story about the first Christians after they had experienced the death and resurrection of Jesus. Then they were standing around, not knowing what to do with themselves. They were lost and bewildered and scared.
II: From the book of Acts. Chapter two.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: When the day of Pentecost had come, they were all together in one place. And suddenly from heaven there came a sound like the rush of a violent wind, and it filled the entire house where they were sitting.
II: Divided tongues, as of fire, appeared among them, and a tongue rested on each of them.
I: All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other languages, as the Spirit gave them ability.
II: Now there were devout Jews from every nation under heaven living in Jerusalem. And at this sound the crowd gathered and was bewildered, because each one heard them speaking in the native language of each.
I: This is amazing! All these people speaking here are Galileans. So how come it sounds as if they are speaking in our own native language? We hear them speaking about God's deeds of power."
I:"What does this mean?"
II: "They are filled with new wine. They must be drunk!
I: Then Peter, stood up and spoke to them.
II:"People of Judea and all who live in Jerusalem, let this be known to you, and listen to what I say. My friends and I are not drunk. It’s only nine o'clock in the morning. Listen to these words that were spoken through the prophet Joel:
I: In the last days it will be, God declares, that I will pour out my Spirit upon all flesh, and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams. Even upon my slaves, both men and women, in those days I will pour out my Spirit; and they shall prophesy. And I will show portents in the heaven above and signs on the earth below, blood, and fire, and smoky mist. The sun shall be turned to darkness and the moon to blood, before the coming of the Lord's great and glorious day.
II: Then everyone who calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved.'
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-05024
May 24th, 2009
LIVING BONES AND A FIERY SPIRIT
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.
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The Story – the stuff of high metaphor
Rumors – a dry old stick
Soft Edges – freezing the process of change
Bloopers – on seahorses
We Get Letters – acceptable language
Mirabile Dictu! – the best in prayer
Bottom of the Barrel – a really awful “shaggy dog”
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Ezekiel 37:1-14 and Acts 2:1-21
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – The well-known evangelist was trying to find his way in a strange city. Finally he asked a young girl for directions. “How do you get to the Town Hall?” he asked.
The girl gave him directions, then asked, “Why do you want to go to the Town Hall?”
“Because I’m to give a speech there.”
“What will the speech be about?” the girl asked.
“How to get to heaven.”
“How to get to heaven? And you can’t even find your way to the Town Hall?!”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, May 31th, which is Pentecost Sunday. The readings suggested in the Revised Common Lectionary are as follows:
Acts 2:1-21 or Ezekiel 37:1-14Psalm 104:24-34, 35bRomans 8:22-27 or Acts 2:1-21John 15:26-27; 16:4b-15
[If the passage from Ezekiel is chosen for the First Reading, the passage from Acts is used as the Second Reading.]
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) Acts 2:1-21 and Ezekiel 37:1-14
Jim says –
In my congregation, I would start with a quiz – what images do they think of when an insight suddenly strikes them? I’m guessing (in advance, of course) that several people will think of a light bulb coming on. Or an electric shock. Perhaps a billboard, a text message, a whack on the head...
But no one will mention tongues of fire, or gusts of wind.
The Pentecost story is clearly metaphorical. The biblical text itself says, _like_ a mighty wind; tongues _as of_ fire...
Metaphor is like the sacraments – defined by Augustine of Hippo as "a visible sign of an invisible reality." Tragically, our society has lost its sense of the metaphoric. We distrust metaphors and analogies. We expect facts.
Yet we still speak of getting fired up. Burning with passion. Suffering burnout. We refer to spirited horses, team spirit, blowing out the cobwebs, feeling a fresh wind, a storm of change...
Those are all metaphors – a way of expressing something that would otherwise be inexpressible. Because the Holy Spirit was not a thing, to be measured and dissected. It was a feeling, an attitude.
In our obsession with the concrete, we’ve even made the Holy Spirit a noun. We capitalize it, like a proper name. But in truth, it was more like a verb – just as “faith” in Hebrew, mn, was a verb, best translated as “to trust.”
Ralph says…
Jim would have us tell the Pentecost story, and I agree. But I love that Ezekiel story, and so I want to include it too. And the two stories fit together nicely. Both are about the power of God’s Spirit coming with power and passion. And as Jim points out, the stories are the stuff of high metaphor. Both literalism and logic will lead us astray.
Some years ago at a worship conference, I saw how the Spirit can transcend language. We were talking about music in worship. A young woman, a dancer, said she had a tune deep down inside her but couldn’t sing it. She could only dance it.
One of the resource people, a trumpet player, suggested that perhaps if she danced, he might be able to interpret her dance on his instrument. The two worked together for well over an hour. She danced. He played. And together they created something new.
Later that day, they played and danced a melody of haunting grace and power – a melody through which the Spirit spoke “with sighs too deep for words.” (Romans 8:26)
Our western European Protestant Tradition has gorged itself on words. My writing this newsletter and you reading it are symptoms of this addiction. Any analysis of our normal worship would conclude that if we can’t put it into words, it isn’t real. But at the same time we all know that the deepest realities of our social and spiritual lives can never be contained in words.
Each week I struggle to get just a little beyond my verbal addiction as I add photos to the words of hymns and liturgy that are projected onto screens during our worship. Most often I succeed only in adding a bit of visual beauty to the worship experience, but sometimes I can extend, illustrate or sharpen the message. Occasionally, I can raise a hymn or a response onto a new and exciting level of meaning.
Psalm 104:24-34 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
24 Abundant and plentiful are your creations, O Lord;
you imagined them, and they came into being.
The world is full of your vision.
25, 26 You fill the abyss with the ocean, the seamless womb of life.
Upon its surface, you support tankers and freighters and cruise ships;
in its depths dwell creatures beyond counting--
sleek and gaudy, strange and deadly,
anchored like rocks and faster than fear.
From invisible plankton to playful whales,
the Lord God made them all.
27 All these owe their existence to you;
you set each in an environment where it can survive.
29 But if you turned your thoughts away from them, they would vanish,
a fleeting figment of your imagination.
Your spirit gives them life, as your spirit put breath in our clay;
without it, we return to the dust from which we came,
the dead elements of bygone stars.
30 Blow your breath through our being, Lord.
Create us afresh;
renew the life of your creation.
31 Then the glory of God will go on forever;
all living things will rejoice in God's gift of life.
The vision of the Lord will be evident
in all creatures great and small;
32 from coral cells to the continents themselves.
God strokes the earth and it trembles in ecstasy;
The Lord excites the mountains and they erupt in lava.
33 Is it any wonder I sing the praises of God?
As long as I live, my life itself attests God's glory.
34 So may even my imagination be devoted to God,
and let the Lord fill all my thoughts.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Romans 8:22-27 – Paul is reaching beyond the confines of his own analysis – to express the inexpressible reality of a Spirit that works and weaves and groans through our lives, always leading us forward into the light.
John 15:26-27; 16:4b-15 – “I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now,” (16:12) Jesus tells the disciples. And that seems to be the constantly surprising refrain that echoes through our lives. We experience the Spirit in our lives one moment, then almost immediately know that the revelation is not complete, but there’s more life to come before we are ready to receive it.
Both the Ezekiel legend and the Pentecost story are told for children in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” pages 122 & 124.
Some of you will be coming to the General Council meeting of the United Church of Canada which happens in Kelowna where I live, in mid-August. We’ll be launching the three-volume set of the Lectionary Story Bible. Margaret and I hope to be there much of the time to autograph copies for you personally or for your church library.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday of the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – Let's face it. I'm a pretty dry old stick.
I like my worship services straight. A little "speaking in tongues" goes a long way for me.
A dozen or more years ago while studying in Israel, I went with two new friends to worship at the Anglican church in Jerusalem's old city. They were two retired nurses working at a convent near Jerusalem, both of them recently from Vancouver near where I live – one of them originally from Jamaica.
The Jamaican woman entered the church first, and the usher immediately showed her to the middle of a large unoccupied section. We followed.
Soon we were surrounded by a huge Nigerian delegation. My Jamaican friend thought it must have been her black skin that had the usher thinking she was part of that group. It was a mistake we enjoyed, because the Nigerians were gregarious and happy. Hands were shaken and conversations started before the worship began.
It was comfortably low-church Anglican. But during a long extemporaneous pastoral prayer, the tongues began. Not from our Nigerian friends. They were as surprised as we were.
The speaking in tongues turned into singing, and the strange harmonies and cadences drifted around and through the traditional architecture of the old church building. The tongues seemed to have both freedom and dignity and flowed easily around the gothic arches of that old church.
I had experienced tongues on many occasions. I've been fascinated, amused, sometimes repelled, but never inspired. This time, the tongues had a dignity – a place. They had not become an end in itself. They became another way for the Spirit to communicate. And I was spiritually warmed.
Not long afterward, the priest invited the Nigerians to sing. They stood up all around us – we three Canadians found ourselves right in the middle of a Nigerian choir.
We couldn't understand their words any more than we could the strange words of the singing in tongues. But we could see their faces glow, and their bodies move as they sang their faith with wonderful joy. The Spirit used them to communicate. And I was spiritually warmed.
At the end of the service – the Eucharist. Nothing unusual about it. Words I had come to know and expect. Liturgy I had come to know and expect. But again, the Spirit used that familiar Eucharist to communicate. And I was spiritually warmed.
We had coffee afterwards, my two Canadian friends and I, and two Nigerian's who had been sitting near us. The Spirit, it seems, had reached them too – through the traditional liturgy, the charismatic speaking and singing, the Nigerians song and the Eucharist. There was joy in that discovery, but for me, judgment too.
"You're a dry old stick, Ralph," the Spirit seemed to be saying to me, "but don't box the Spirit into your dry old dislikes and prejudices."
Maybe even a dry old stick can sprout a few new leaves.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Freezing the Process of Change
I am not the same person today that I was yesterday. I’ve added some experiences; I’ve lost some memories; I’ve replaced a certain proportion of my skin and organ cells.
Technically, that’s not evolution. It’s merely the inevitable process of aging.
In true evolution, change happens to whole species, not to individuals, and over a much longer period.
But both processes reflect the same basic truth – we are constantly changing. As individuals, as a species, as a society, as a world.
My former dentist, who studied these things, assured me that a tiny but measurable percentage of humans no longer grow wisdom teeth. In a world where we no longer have to crack bones with our jaws to extract marrow, wisdom teeth are becoming a liability, not an asset.
Similarly, I’m told, the percentage of short-sighted people is slowly increasing, as humans adapt to a world where billboards, books, and computer screens matter more than seeing a prowling lion on the horizon.
We have social evolution, too. The present system of universal suffrage (for anyone over 18) is not the status quo my great-grandfather would have known. In his day, only men could vote. Before that, only male property owners. Before that, only the nobles. And before that...
So why, I wonder, do we assume that our current context is the ultimate?
It’s as if we want to freeze time. As if this steady process of change achieved perfection at some specific point, and should henceforth and forevermore remained locked immovably into place.
I, for one, do not believe that the human race reached its pinnacle in North American civilization. Industries that spew toxic chemicals indiscriminately, vehicles that guzzle million-year-old life forms, wars that slaughter uncounted civilians, fisheries that strip-mine the oceans, suburbs that spread into farmland like a virus – is this really the best we can be?
Unfortunately, organized religions may be the worst offenders in immobilizing change. Christianity believes that nothing can update Jesus; Islam believes the same about Mohammed and the Koran. Baha’i locks onto Baha’u’llah, Christian Science onto Mary Baker Eddy, Scientology onto L. Ron Hubbard...
Some Christian denominations reject evolution outright. Others accept evolution in principle, as long as it applies to everyone but themselves.
A friend once cynically commented that you can tell when any faith group freeze-framed its theology by the garb its priests and functionaries wear. Some still wear the robes of the fifth century or the frock coats of the 1900s; others cling to the business suits of the 1960s or the jeans and long hair of the 1980s...
No, I do not want to return to some imagined paradise of the past. That is equally an attempt to freeze time.
I want us to recognize that the process of evolving cannot stop, and will not stop. That applies to everything from democratic procedures to social institutions to religious doctrines.
When an individual stops changing, we call it death. When a collective body stops evolving, it too is in danger of dying.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – April Dailey of Ford City, Pennsylvania writes: “Today, I preached on ‘change’. Then we sang the Hymn of the Day – ‘O Christ the Same.’ Hmmmmm....”
Claire Phillips of Deming, New Mexico writes: “Fortunately this was caught by my proof reader before it went to press. ‘The mission also operates a food panty...’ Obviously, it should have read pantry.”
This from Jim Taylor. “Marie-Lynn Hammond found ‘a story about the tourism allure of the Yucatan peninsula which referred to its ‘its spectacular snorkeling among the corrals...’
“Marie-Lynn added, ‘And that would presumably be done on seahorses?’"
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – Apathy is the glove into which evil slips its hand
Bodie Thoene via Jim Taylor
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
Frederic Bastiat via John Severson
The fear of God is not the beginning of wisdom but the end.
Clarence Darrow via Stephani Keer
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We Get Letters – Karl Wilderoder of Chatham, Kent writes: “On a visit to Florida many years ago I saw a sign outside a Baptist Church saying ‘This is a hospital for sinners.’
What a wonderful description of our job!”
Kim Gratton of Orleans, Ontario writes: “Just wanted to let you know that my spam filter did not like your title this week. I guess "Down & Dirty" is not acceptable language!”
Gee whizzakers, Batman, in view of what they let through, it makes me scratch my poor bald spot.
Vern Ratzlaff tells me I started something with the two-line limerick. Seems it generated assorted letters from his friends, including one from Alicia of Gallow (sounds like a medieval Spanish mystic) who completed the limerick and sent along an additional poem by Ogden Nash.
There was a young girl from Peru
Whose limericks end at line two
So I sent her to Chili
To stop being silly
For two lines will never do.
The firefly's flame
Is something for which science has no name
I can think of nothing eerier
Than flying around with an unidentified glow on one's posterior
Evelyn McLachlan reports that “the FDA has banned the drug that makes people become monks. They said it's habit forming.”
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “best in prayer!”)
This from Margaret Wood. Someone out there is deadly at Scrabble, or whatever that game is where you rearrange letters. When you do that, you get new words and the occasional insight.
* Dormitory: = dirty room
* Presbyterian == best in prayer
* The eyes = they see
* George Bush = He bugs Gore
* Slot machines = cash lost in me
* Animosity = is no amity
* Election results = Lies – let’s recount
* A decimal point = I’m a dot in place
* The earthquakes = that queer shake
* Eleven plus two = eleven plus one
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Bottom of the Barrel – There was a 19th century English fellow who led a most colorful life. At one point he was nominally a trade representative for England in Paris, but was in fact doing espionage for the British government.
While there, he fell passionately in love with the notorious cross-dressing novelist George Sand, but she scornfully spurned his attentions.
Returning to England, he became a noted horse breeder, whose glossy brown steeds were prized throughout the land. He was also a patron of the arts, helping a noted Norwegian relocate to England where he had a successful career.
His biographer began his book, “He was the spy Sand rejected, a man of sorrels and acquainted with Grieg.”
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Ezekiel 37:1-14 and Acts 2:1-21.
Reader I: Two readings from the Bible for this Sunday? Why two?
Reader II: Because it’s going to take more than one story before you and I really understand what it’s about.
I: So tell me. Give me the condensed version. In 25 words or less.
II: No.
I: No? Why no? All I want is the plain, bare facts.
II: Because that’s the whole point. These passages are about something more than facts. These passages should not be explained. They deal in metaphor.
I: OK, I’ll bite. What’s a metaphor?
II: Metaphor is like the sacraments. A visible sign of an invisible reality. It’s like that cross over there (POINT TO CROSS IN CHANCEL OR WHEREVER). It’s just two lines of wood. It could mean nothing at all. But it could also be a symbol of God’s gift of life and hope and love.
I: I think I’ve got it. I have a friend who goes to see her husband every day. He’s in a nursing home, with a sad case of Alzheimers. She feeds him his lunch every day, and she talks to him and shows him pictures of their grandchildren. I’ve never had to ask if she loved her husband. The story of what she does tells everything.
II: Exactly. And we are going to hear two stories – one from the Hebrew Scriptures and one from the Christian Scriptures. Neither of them can be explained.
I: Couldn’t we at least try?
II: No. If you explain it, you miss the point.
I: So what are the stories that we’re going to hear.
II: The first one is a story about the prophet Ezekiel, and he tells the story of his vision – his dream. It’s a dream he had about the people of Israel. Why don’t you start. It’s the 37th chapter of the book of Ezekiel.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: The hand of the Lord came upon me, and brought me out by the spirit of the Lord and set me down in the middle of a valley. It was full of bones. The spirit led me all around them. There were very many lying in the valley, and they were very dry. Then the spirit spoke to me.
II: "Mortal, can these bones live?"
I: "O Lord God, you know."
II: "Then prophesy to these bones. Speak to them.
I: O dry bones, hear the word of the Lord. I will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live. I will lay sinews on you, and will cause flesh to come upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and you shall live; and you shall know that I am the Lord."
II: So Ezekiel prophesied as he had been commanded. And suddenly there was a noise, a rattling, and the bones came together, bone to its bone.
I: I looked, and there were sinews on them, and flesh had come upon them, and skin had covered them; but there was no breath in them.
II: "Prophesy to the breath, prophesy, mortal, and say to the breath: Thus says the Lord God: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe upon these slain, that they may live."
I: I prophesied as the spirit commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived, and stood on their feet, a vast multitude.
II: "Mortal, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They say, 'Our bones are dried up, and our hope is lost; we are cut off completely. Therefore prophesy to these bones.
I: Thus says the Lord God: I am going to open your graves, and bring you up from your graves, O my people; and I will bring you back to the land of Israel. And you shall know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves, and bring you up from your graves, O my people. I will put my spirit within you, and you shall live, and I will place you on your own soil; then you shall know that I, the Lord, have spoken and will act.
II: Thus says the Lord!
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: Yeah. Wow! I can just imagine old Ezekiel talking to the Hebrews and saying, “That bunch of bones in the valley – that’s you folks! And God’s got plans for you, so get up and start dancin’.”
II: We’ve got a few of those bones lying around in our church.
I: You got that right. Do you suppose God has plans for us as we listen to our dry bones rattlin’ away.
II: I have no doubt at all. And that takes us to our second story, which is also both weird and wonderful. This is from the Christian Scriptures, but it’s about that same spirit that was rattling Ezekiel’s dry bones. Only this time, when those first Christians couldn’t explain what had happened to them, they used the metaphors of fire and wind.
I: So. Let’s read this story from the second chapter of the book of Acts. It’s a story about the first Christians after they had experienced the death and resurrection of Jesus. Then they were standing around, not knowing what to do with themselves. They were lost and bewildered and scared.
II: From the book of Acts. Chapter two.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: When the day of Pentecost had come, they were all together in one place. And suddenly from heaven there came a sound like the rush of a violent wind, and it filled the entire house where they were sitting.
II: Divided tongues, as of fire, appeared among them, and a tongue rested on each of them.
I: All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other languages, as the Spirit gave them ability.
II: Now there were devout Jews from every nation under heaven living in Jerusalem. And at this sound the crowd gathered and was bewildered, because each one heard them speaking in the native language of each.
I: This is amazing! All these people speaking here are Galileans. So how come it sounds as if they are speaking in our own native language? We hear them speaking about God's deeds of power."
I:"What does this mean?"
II: "They are filled with new wine. They must be drunk!
I: Then Peter, stood up and spoke to them.
II:"People of Judea and all who live in Jerusalem, let this be known to you, and listen to what I say. My friends and I are not drunk. It’s only nine o'clock in the morning. Listen to these words that were spoken through the prophet Joel:
I: In the last days it will be, God declares, that I will pour out my Spirit upon all flesh, and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams. Even upon my slaves, both men and women, in those days I will pour out my Spirit; and they shall prophesy. And I will show portents in the heaven above and signs on the earth below, blood, and fire, and smoky mist. The sun shall be turned to darkness and the moon to blood, before the coming of the Lord's great and glorious day.
II: Then everyone who calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved.'
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Preaching Materials fo May 24, 2009
R U M O R S # 553
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-05-17
May 17, 2009
DOWN AND DIRTY WITH THE DISCIPLES OR UP IN THE AIR WITH JESUS
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.
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The Story – election or ascension
Rumors – God’s grace and sense of humor
Soft Edges – the gospel according to spam
Bloopers – cancel the chancel
We Get Letters – faith lifts
Mirabile Dictu! – plough around the stump
Bottom of the Barrel – rain checks
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Acts 1:15-17, 21-26
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – A four-year-old Catholic boy was playing with a four-year-old Protestant girl in a plastic wading pool in the backyard. They splashed a lot of water on each other; their clothes were soaking wet, so they decided to take off the wet clothes.
The little boy looked at the little girl and said, “Golly, I didn’t know there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, May 24th, which is the 7th (and last) Sunday of the Easter season. Or you might be celebrating the Ascension, in which case, see “Jim says –” below.
Ralph says –
The Story (Acts 1:15-17, 21-26) is again from the book of Acts – the story about choosing a successor to Judas. It’s a story that makes me sad – sometimes angry, because the most obvious choice for the position of apostle was Mary of Magdala. Among other credentials – she didn’t run away from the horror of the cross, and she was the first one to see the resurrected Christ.
But Mary lacked a certain dangling appendage which, in the minds of those who made the decisions in that group, was essential to the role. Given the culture of the time I suppose it was inevitable. Even in the culture of our time – even in our “progressive” western European culture – there’s still much work to be done before women find themselves on a level playing field.
There are signs of hope. The two most powerful positions in the world, that of President and Secretary of State of the US, are now occupied by an African American and a woman. Whatever they may or may not do in those offices, the very fact that they are there, is a sign of hope.
Jim says –
I would treat the day as Ascension Sunday. Theoretically, the Ascension should be celebrated May 21. But why skip a really provocative story for, as Ralph says, the flawed selection of a nobody who is never heard from again?
The Ascension readings recommended in the RCL are: Acts 1:1-11, Psalm 47 or Psalm 93, Ephesians 1:15-23 and Luke 24:44-53.
Luke, whoever he or she was, tells the story of the Ascension twice – in Luke 24 and Acts 1. Both narrate similar details. From Bethany, Jesus went up, as if he were riding an escalator.
I would use this story to attack biblical literalism. I would pair it with the worldwide celebration of the 400th anniversary of Galileo’s telescope. In April 1609, Galileo turned his rudimentary 32-power telescope at Jupiter. He was neither the first to create a telescope, nor the first to make observations of planetary motions. But by applying mathematics to what had been before the field of philosophy and theology, and by publishing his results widely, he turned our understanding of astronomy inside out.
He showed – as we now take for granted – that the earth revolved around the sun, not the sun around the earth. (A good source is
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123931147066706327.html)
The rest is history. Including the virulent opposition of entrenched viewpoints.
So I would ask – no, I would demand – why we assume that new knowledge can displace old knowledge in every field except religion? We now know that heaven is not “up,” as hell is not “down.” Why then do some among us persist in treating the partial understandings of a former time as if the evolution of wisdom ended with them?
Psalm 1 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
In a cartoon, the ancient guru sits cross-legged at the top of a mountain while a visitor asks, breathlessly: "What is happiness?"
1. Do not pursue happiness; it cannot be captured.
Like a wild bird or a bouncing ball. it is always just beyond your grasp.
2. Happiness comes from immersing yourself in God. Instead of struggling to keep your head above water, yield yourself to the deep flow of God's universe.
3. You will not drown. You will be swept along by forces beyond your imagining.
4-5. Foam on the surface gets blown around;driftwood piles up on sandbars;people obsessed with themselves end up as rotting debris on the rocks.But the current rolls on.
6. So let yourself get carried away by something stronger than a social eddy.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
1 John 5:9-13 – I think this passage has to do with the credibility of the evidence that Jesus is the Christ. The writer of 1 John is talking about those who accept and those who reject what God says. A person who trusts in Jesus has the word of God.
But the passage is a fair bit confusing.
John 17:6-19 – Jim Taylor is not only a skilled and thoughtful writer, he is a fine editor. As I read this passage, I wondered what he would do with a piece like this, if it came to him without the aura of biblical authority attached to it. There would certainly be some choice phrases in red ink up and down the margins.
I’ve struggled with this passage many times over the years. I’ve read the commentaries and I’ve had friends patiently explain it to me. But it still reads like an exercise in theological bafflegab. My eyes glaze over after the first few verses.
Nevertheless. Notwithstanding. Even so. There is a children’s version of this in the Lectionary Story Bible. Yes there is. With (like the Beatles) “a little help from my friends,” notably Cathie Talbot, Editor of “Seasons of the Spirit” curriculum.
Two possibilities. Looking at this passage with a child’s eyes, I found the core and was able to tell the story.
Or. Looking at this passage with a child’s eyes, I missed by a country mile and my story has nothing to do with the passage.
You decide.
But you’ll need to buy the book to do it. (How’s that for some sneaky sales talk?)
You can find that story, “Jesus Prays for His Friends,” in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 119. And the Acts reading, without any complicating questions about Mary of Magdala, is on page 120.
For those celebrating Ascension Day, there is a story based on Acts 1:6-14 in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” Year A, page 114.
By the way, there is a complete index of the stories in all three volumes in Year C.
I am hearing of more and more instances where worship leaders use a combination of these children’s stories, and the Reader’s Theatre readings, to help adults in worship and study groups get their heads around the lectionary readings. They read the story from the Lectionary Story Bible, first. They never tell the folks it’s as much for the adults as it is for the children. It’s a bit sneaky but it works.
And then when the younger ones leave, they do the Reader’s Theatre.
If you don’t yet own “The Lectionary Story Bible,” all three volumes are now out. You can order the whole set, which saves you a bit of cash. If you live in North America, you can order on-line from Wood Lake, get 20% off and they pay shipping and handling. A good deal.
Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
In Australia and New Zealand you need to order from MediaCom www.mediacom.org.au.
If you live elsewhere, send a note to info@woodlake.com and ask.
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Rumors – We drove 60km up the valley last Sunday and joined our children and grandchildren at their church. They were doing a play about Jesus taking the legion of demons out of a man and sending them into a herd of pigs which then promptly jumped over a cliff.
The play, written by son-in-law Don, told the story from the perspective of the poor pig-herder who lost all his livestock, and the Roman authorities who were trying to figure out what happened. Zoë was the Roman judge and she looked and sounded very authoritative. Jake was the demon who wore a nice suit and talked very gently and greasily.
My memory flipped back to their pre-school days, when Zoë might be directing and acting in a drama loosely based on Peter Pan, while Jake was being a snake or a dragon or some such awful thing attacking a knight in armor (me).
I often had trouble sorting out all the roles I was asked to play, especially when they kept shifting and I might be the fairy godmother one moment and prince charming the next while engaging in a sword-fight with Jake.
They are teenagers now and busy working on the roles they will play in life. I am a retired senior reflecting on the roles I have lived, and wondering where God is calling my now in my dotage. Am I grandpa, husband, father, friend, church member, citizen, writer, speaker, gardener?
The role I wear most uncomfortably is that of biblical interpreter, which is what I do when I write these blurbs for Rumors. It’s not the fact that, no matter what I write, somebody somewhere disagrees. That’s normal and that’s good. If nobody disagrees with you it’s probably because you haven’t said anything.
It’s fortunate that most of the almost 8,000 souls who read this already know that “the Emperor has no clothes.” Many of you are in the same situation. You are leaders who stand up on your hind legs and talk to people who think you know something. We take a flying run at truth – try to speak it as best we know how, and leave the rest up to the good humor and kindly judgment of God.
If there’s one thing that passage from John’s gospel tells us, it’s that Jesus is not a bit confident about the people he is leaving behind. It’s a bit like a parent lecturing a teenager about the grad party he or she is going to. It does not a bit of good and soon degenerates into parental jargon.
And when those apostles in the story from Acts elect a successor to Judas, they all know he’s the best of a bad lot. Even without a personnel expert who can give them personality and knowledge tests. None of them had the wit to know that the only half-way qualified person among them was Mary of Magdala and even she was there, suffering their sexist assumptions, not because of her head but her heart.
In fact, those people in that Acts story are not a church at all. Jim Taylor calls them “a memorial society for Jesus.” It isn't until next week’s story, the story of Pentecost, that they become anything that can be called a church.
And then they get such a shot of holy adrenaline, we’ve not been able to shut them up, or their successors, to this day. They knew what it meant to be called. And when you are called, you find yourself doing all kinds of stuff, for which you are neither qualified nor competent.
Paul had it right. We are fools for Christ. And it’s by God’s grace and God’s sense of humor – our own sense of humor – that we do what we do.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
The Gospel According to Spam
I hit a record of some kind the other day. In a single day, I received 328 spam e-mails.
My spam filter automatically moves them into a separate folder; I usually delete them all unread. But Thursday’s score was so high that I glanced at the subject lines.
It’s not the sheer number that disturbs me. I expect a certain amount of spam. Because I have a website and a subscription list, my address is out there for unscrupulous spammers to exploit.
Rather, it’s the content. Based on the subject lines, least two thirds dealt with -- dare I say this? -- the shortcomings of my sex life.
Add another 50 or so messages about diets that will make me more sexually attractive to women, and it’s clear -- I have been reduced to a penis.
Some messages are quite explicit about that. Others employ a euphemism -- they refer to my “manhood.”
I resent this. I resent it deeply. When did “manhood” equal sexual performance?
What happened to rescuing damsels in distress? Destroying dragons? Battling evil? In my youth, I read tales of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. I don’t recall Sir Galahad’s reputation depending on the length of his lance.
If sex is all that matters, it’s time to rewrite marriage vows. Instead of “...for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live,” those vows will be reduced to “... as long as you perform adequately in bed.”
What else matters?
Apparently, nothing.
Not the ability to carry on a literate conversation. Not a willingness to share responsibilities. Not the personality to be a loving parent. Not the commitment to be faithful in thought, word, and deed. Not the guts to hang in when the road gets rough, the rainbows fade, the euphoria slips away...
Nothing about shared interests, interesting hobbies, social involvement, a desire to learn, to grow, to develop...
Just sex.
By the gospel according to spam, the only thing that makes women like me is the thing in my pants. If my “manhood” is big enough, strong enough, enduring enough, women will find me irresistible.
Women are subjected to a similar denigrating mantra -- what matters is the size of their breasts, the flatness of their bellies, the absence of wrinkles. That certainly is the message of endless TV commercials and magazine covers -- I can’t know what arrives in their spam.
But I am appalled that this is becoming, or has become, unquestioned doctrine in our society. Women begin believing that anything less than a Barbie-doll figure makes them undesirable. Men start believing that the only thing they need to improve is their genitals. Otherwise, they might as well become bigger slobs.
Our society scorns the myths and legends of former generations -- anything from vampires and goblins to moons made of green cheese. We fail to realize we’re being marketed a new myth -- and it offers us even less truth than the discredited myths of the past.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Ken, who didn’t give his last name or where he is from, saw this note in a bulletin. “The service will be at 7.45 a.m. Tea and bikkies will be served fowling the half hour service.”
Ken wonders “if I should duck out before the end, but I chickened out and ended up making a goose of myself.”
Jennifer Anderson of Roseville, Minnesota who is the music director at her church noted an interesting typo on her last Sunday with a previous congregation. Instead of “Chancel Choir” the bulletin said “Cancel Choir.” Jennifer thought that was rather appropriate, since they’d not yet found her replacement.
Wayne Sawyer of Thomaston, Maine writes: “As I was putting the bulletin together this week, I intended to title the sermon, "Love's the Thing". But I typed, "Love's the Thong". Caught it before it got printed, but seriously thought of leaving it as it was. Might have given these Baptists something to think about.”
Wayne, I’m beginning to think it’s wrong to ever proof-read bulletins and newsletters. Robs the folks of much delight and the occasional insight.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – Accept your path, with its twists and turns. The adventure is in the journey, not the arriving.
Lisa Engelhardt via Mary in Oman
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
Pericles (430 B.C.) via John Severson
When will our consciences grow so tender that we will act to prevent human misery rather than avenge it?
Eleanor Roosevelt via Jim Taylor
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We Get Letters – Ann Bews of Abbotsford, B.C. writes: “I saw this recently on a church sign in Lynden, Wash., ‘Need a new look? Free faith lifts inside.’"
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “plough around the stump!”)
Dave Waters writes: “These are oldies but goodies. Seems to me there should be a good sermon or two in there somewhere!”An Old Farmer's Advice: * Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong. * Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. * Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled. * Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. * Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. * It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. * You cannot unsay a cruel word. * Every path has a few puddles. * When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. * The best sermons are lived, not preached. * Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen, anyway. * Don't judge folks by their relatives. * Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. * Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. * Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none. * Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. * Always drink upstream from the herd. * If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. * Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
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Bottom of the Barrel – Here’s a quickie you can insert into a conversation or sermon or whatever on the topic of global warming.
It seems they had a severe drought in Texas (or change that to whatever place suits you). It’s caused some significant changes. The Baptists have begun to sprinkle; the Methodists are using a wet towel; and the Presbyterians are issuing rain checks.
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Acts 1:15-17, 21-26
Reader I: It took them awhile, didn’t it?
Reader II: Who?
I: Those early church folks. The little group of believers who gathered together after the death and resurrection of Jesus. It took them awhile to get their act together.
II: Well, they had some pretty tough things to deal with. There was the little matter of Judas. He had been one of the 12 apostles that Jesus hand-picked to start up the church.
I: Wasn’t Judas the guy who betrayed Jesus – who turned him in to the authorities?
II: Yes. And right after he did it, Judas realized what a terrible thing he had done. He tried to give back the money he had been paid for this, but they wouldn’t take it. So Judas killed himself.
I: The passage we’re supposed to read today – it talks about finding someone to replace Judas. But they don’t discuss qualifications – any trained personnel manager would have had a fit.
II: That’s true. If they had stopped to talk about qualifications, Mary of Magdala was by far the most qualified of the bunch. But she was a woman, and so they didn’t even consider her.
I: And in this story they talk about casting lots. Isn’t that gambling?
II: They didn’t think of it that way. They saw it as allowing God to make the decision.
I: Well, let’s get on with it.
II: We’re reading from the first chapter of the book of Acts.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: In those days Peter stood up among the believers and spoke to them. Together the crowd numbered about one hundred twenty persons.
II: "Friends, the scripture had to be fulfilled, which the Holy Spirit through David foretold concerning Judas, who became a guide for those who arrested Jesus. Judas was numbered among us and was allotted his share in this ministry. So one of the men who have accompanied us during all the time that the Lord Jesus went in and out among us, beginning from the baptism of John until the day when he was taken up from us – one of these must become a witness with us to his resurrection."
I: So the little gathering proposed two names, Joseph called Barsabbas, who was also known as Justus – and Matthias. Then they prayed together.
II: "Lord, you know everyone's heart. Show us which one of these two you have chosen to take the place in this ministry and apostleship from which Judas turned aside to go to his own place."
I: And they cast lots for them, and the lot fell on Matthias. And he was added to the eleven apostles.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-05-17
May 17, 2009
DOWN AND DIRTY WITH THE DISCIPLES OR UP IN THE AIR WITH JESUS
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.
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The Story – election or ascension
Rumors – God’s grace and sense of humor
Soft Edges – the gospel according to spam
Bloopers – cancel the chancel
We Get Letters – faith lifts
Mirabile Dictu! – plough around the stump
Bottom of the Barrel – rain checks
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Acts 1:15-17, 21-26
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – A four-year-old Catholic boy was playing with a four-year-old Protestant girl in a plastic wading pool in the backyard. They splashed a lot of water on each other; their clothes were soaking wet, so they decided to take off the wet clothes.
The little boy looked at the little girl and said, “Golly, I didn’t know there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, May 24th, which is the 7th (and last) Sunday of the Easter season. Or you might be celebrating the Ascension, in which case, see “Jim says –” below.
Ralph says –
The Story (Acts 1:15-17, 21-26) is again from the book of Acts – the story about choosing a successor to Judas. It’s a story that makes me sad – sometimes angry, because the most obvious choice for the position of apostle was Mary of Magdala. Among other credentials – she didn’t run away from the horror of the cross, and she was the first one to see the resurrected Christ.
But Mary lacked a certain dangling appendage which, in the minds of those who made the decisions in that group, was essential to the role. Given the culture of the time I suppose it was inevitable. Even in the culture of our time – even in our “progressive” western European culture – there’s still much work to be done before women find themselves on a level playing field.
There are signs of hope. The two most powerful positions in the world, that of President and Secretary of State of the US, are now occupied by an African American and a woman. Whatever they may or may not do in those offices, the very fact that they are there, is a sign of hope.
Jim says –
I would treat the day as Ascension Sunday. Theoretically, the Ascension should be celebrated May 21. But why skip a really provocative story for, as Ralph says, the flawed selection of a nobody who is never heard from again?
The Ascension readings recommended in the RCL are: Acts 1:1-11, Psalm 47 or Psalm 93, Ephesians 1:15-23 and Luke 24:44-53.
Luke, whoever he or she was, tells the story of the Ascension twice – in Luke 24 and Acts 1. Both narrate similar details. From Bethany, Jesus went up, as if he were riding an escalator.
I would use this story to attack biblical literalism. I would pair it with the worldwide celebration of the 400th anniversary of Galileo’s telescope. In April 1609, Galileo turned his rudimentary 32-power telescope at Jupiter. He was neither the first to create a telescope, nor the first to make observations of planetary motions. But by applying mathematics to what had been before the field of philosophy and theology, and by publishing his results widely, he turned our understanding of astronomy inside out.
He showed – as we now take for granted – that the earth revolved around the sun, not the sun around the earth. (A good source is
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123931147066706327.html)
The rest is history. Including the virulent opposition of entrenched viewpoints.
So I would ask – no, I would demand – why we assume that new knowledge can displace old knowledge in every field except religion? We now know that heaven is not “up,” as hell is not “down.” Why then do some among us persist in treating the partial understandings of a former time as if the evolution of wisdom ended with them?
Psalm 1 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
In a cartoon, the ancient guru sits cross-legged at the top of a mountain while a visitor asks, breathlessly: "What is happiness?"
1. Do not pursue happiness; it cannot be captured.
Like a wild bird or a bouncing ball. it is always just beyond your grasp.
2. Happiness comes from immersing yourself in God. Instead of struggling to keep your head above water, yield yourself to the deep flow of God's universe.
3. You will not drown. You will be swept along by forces beyond your imagining.
4-5. Foam on the surface gets blown around;driftwood piles up on sandbars;people obsessed with themselves end up as rotting debris on the rocks.But the current rolls on.
6. So let yourself get carried away by something stronger than a social eddy.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
1 John 5:9-13 – I think this passage has to do with the credibility of the evidence that Jesus is the Christ. The writer of 1 John is talking about those who accept and those who reject what God says. A person who trusts in Jesus has the word of God.
But the passage is a fair bit confusing.
John 17:6-19 – Jim Taylor is not only a skilled and thoughtful writer, he is a fine editor. As I read this passage, I wondered what he would do with a piece like this, if it came to him without the aura of biblical authority attached to it. There would certainly be some choice phrases in red ink up and down the margins.
I’ve struggled with this passage many times over the years. I’ve read the commentaries and I’ve had friends patiently explain it to me. But it still reads like an exercise in theological bafflegab. My eyes glaze over after the first few verses.
Nevertheless. Notwithstanding. Even so. There is a children’s version of this in the Lectionary Story Bible. Yes there is. With (like the Beatles) “a little help from my friends,” notably Cathie Talbot, Editor of “Seasons of the Spirit” curriculum.
Two possibilities. Looking at this passage with a child’s eyes, I found the core and was able to tell the story.
Or. Looking at this passage with a child’s eyes, I missed by a country mile and my story has nothing to do with the passage.
You decide.
But you’ll need to buy the book to do it. (How’s that for some sneaky sales talk?)
You can find that story, “Jesus Prays for His Friends,” in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 119. And the Acts reading, without any complicating questions about Mary of Magdala, is on page 120.
For those celebrating Ascension Day, there is a story based on Acts 1:6-14 in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” Year A, page 114.
By the way, there is a complete index of the stories in all three volumes in Year C.
I am hearing of more and more instances where worship leaders use a combination of these children’s stories, and the Reader’s Theatre readings, to help adults in worship and study groups get their heads around the lectionary readings. They read the story from the Lectionary Story Bible, first. They never tell the folks it’s as much for the adults as it is for the children. It’s a bit sneaky but it works.
And then when the younger ones leave, they do the Reader’s Theatre.
If you don’t yet own “The Lectionary Story Bible,” all three volumes are now out. You can order the whole set, which saves you a bit of cash. If you live in North America, you can order on-line from Wood Lake, get 20% off and they pay shipping and handling. A good deal.
Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
In Australia and New Zealand you need to order from MediaCom www.mediacom.org.au.
If you live elsewhere, send a note to info@woodlake.com and ask.
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Rumors – We drove 60km up the valley last Sunday and joined our children and grandchildren at their church. They were doing a play about Jesus taking the legion of demons out of a man and sending them into a herd of pigs which then promptly jumped over a cliff.
The play, written by son-in-law Don, told the story from the perspective of the poor pig-herder who lost all his livestock, and the Roman authorities who were trying to figure out what happened. Zoë was the Roman judge and she looked and sounded very authoritative. Jake was the demon who wore a nice suit and talked very gently and greasily.
My memory flipped back to their pre-school days, when Zoë might be directing and acting in a drama loosely based on Peter Pan, while Jake was being a snake or a dragon or some such awful thing attacking a knight in armor (me).
I often had trouble sorting out all the roles I was asked to play, especially when they kept shifting and I might be the fairy godmother one moment and prince charming the next while engaging in a sword-fight with Jake.
They are teenagers now and busy working on the roles they will play in life. I am a retired senior reflecting on the roles I have lived, and wondering where God is calling my now in my dotage. Am I grandpa, husband, father, friend, church member, citizen, writer, speaker, gardener?
The role I wear most uncomfortably is that of biblical interpreter, which is what I do when I write these blurbs for Rumors. It’s not the fact that, no matter what I write, somebody somewhere disagrees. That’s normal and that’s good. If nobody disagrees with you it’s probably because you haven’t said anything.
It’s fortunate that most of the almost 8,000 souls who read this already know that “the Emperor has no clothes.” Many of you are in the same situation. You are leaders who stand up on your hind legs and talk to people who think you know something. We take a flying run at truth – try to speak it as best we know how, and leave the rest up to the good humor and kindly judgment of God.
If there’s one thing that passage from John’s gospel tells us, it’s that Jesus is not a bit confident about the people he is leaving behind. It’s a bit like a parent lecturing a teenager about the grad party he or she is going to. It does not a bit of good and soon degenerates into parental jargon.
And when those apostles in the story from Acts elect a successor to Judas, they all know he’s the best of a bad lot. Even without a personnel expert who can give them personality and knowledge tests. None of them had the wit to know that the only half-way qualified person among them was Mary of Magdala and even she was there, suffering their sexist assumptions, not because of her head but her heart.
In fact, those people in that Acts story are not a church at all. Jim Taylor calls them “a memorial society for Jesus.” It isn't until next week’s story, the story of Pentecost, that they become anything that can be called a church.
And then they get such a shot of holy adrenaline, we’ve not been able to shut them up, or their successors, to this day. They knew what it meant to be called. And when you are called, you find yourself doing all kinds of stuff, for which you are neither qualified nor competent.
Paul had it right. We are fools for Christ. And it’s by God’s grace and God’s sense of humor – our own sense of humor – that we do what we do.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
The Gospel According to Spam
I hit a record of some kind the other day. In a single day, I received 328 spam e-mails.
My spam filter automatically moves them into a separate folder; I usually delete them all unread. But Thursday’s score was so high that I glanced at the subject lines.
It’s not the sheer number that disturbs me. I expect a certain amount of spam. Because I have a website and a subscription list, my address is out there for unscrupulous spammers to exploit.
Rather, it’s the content. Based on the subject lines, least two thirds dealt with -- dare I say this? -- the shortcomings of my sex life.
Add another 50 or so messages about diets that will make me more sexually attractive to women, and it’s clear -- I have been reduced to a penis.
Some messages are quite explicit about that. Others employ a euphemism -- they refer to my “manhood.”
I resent this. I resent it deeply. When did “manhood” equal sexual performance?
What happened to rescuing damsels in distress? Destroying dragons? Battling evil? In my youth, I read tales of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. I don’t recall Sir Galahad’s reputation depending on the length of his lance.
If sex is all that matters, it’s time to rewrite marriage vows. Instead of “...for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live,” those vows will be reduced to “... as long as you perform adequately in bed.”
What else matters?
Apparently, nothing.
Not the ability to carry on a literate conversation. Not a willingness to share responsibilities. Not the personality to be a loving parent. Not the commitment to be faithful in thought, word, and deed. Not the guts to hang in when the road gets rough, the rainbows fade, the euphoria slips away...
Nothing about shared interests, interesting hobbies, social involvement, a desire to learn, to grow, to develop...
Just sex.
By the gospel according to spam, the only thing that makes women like me is the thing in my pants. If my “manhood” is big enough, strong enough, enduring enough, women will find me irresistible.
Women are subjected to a similar denigrating mantra -- what matters is the size of their breasts, the flatness of their bellies, the absence of wrinkles. That certainly is the message of endless TV commercials and magazine covers -- I can’t know what arrives in their spam.
But I am appalled that this is becoming, or has become, unquestioned doctrine in our society. Women begin believing that anything less than a Barbie-doll figure makes them undesirable. Men start believing that the only thing they need to improve is their genitals. Otherwise, they might as well become bigger slobs.
Our society scorns the myths and legends of former generations -- anything from vampires and goblins to moons made of green cheese. We fail to realize we’re being marketed a new myth -- and it offers us even less truth than the discredited myths of the past.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Ken, who didn’t give his last name or where he is from, saw this note in a bulletin. “The service will be at 7.45 a.m. Tea and bikkies will be served fowling the half hour service.”
Ken wonders “if I should duck out before the end, but I chickened out and ended up making a goose of myself.”
Jennifer Anderson of Roseville, Minnesota who is the music director at her church noted an interesting typo on her last Sunday with a previous congregation. Instead of “Chancel Choir” the bulletin said “Cancel Choir.” Jennifer thought that was rather appropriate, since they’d not yet found her replacement.
Wayne Sawyer of Thomaston, Maine writes: “As I was putting the bulletin together this week, I intended to title the sermon, "Love's the Thing". But I typed, "Love's the Thong". Caught it before it got printed, but seriously thought of leaving it as it was. Might have given these Baptists something to think about.”
Wayne, I’m beginning to think it’s wrong to ever proof-read bulletins and newsletters. Robs the folks of much delight and the occasional insight.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – Accept your path, with its twists and turns. The adventure is in the journey, not the arriving.
Lisa Engelhardt via Mary in Oman
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
Pericles (430 B.C.) via John Severson
When will our consciences grow so tender that we will act to prevent human misery rather than avenge it?
Eleanor Roosevelt via Jim Taylor
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We Get Letters – Ann Bews of Abbotsford, B.C. writes: “I saw this recently on a church sign in Lynden, Wash., ‘Need a new look? Free faith lifts inside.’"
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “plough around the stump!”)
Dave Waters writes: “These are oldies but goodies. Seems to me there should be a good sermon or two in there somewhere!”An Old Farmer's Advice: * Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong. * Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. * Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled. * Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. * Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. * It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. * You cannot unsay a cruel word. * Every path has a few puddles. * When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. * The best sermons are lived, not preached. * Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen, anyway. * Don't judge folks by their relatives. * Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. * Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. * Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none. * Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. * Always drink upstream from the herd. * If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. * Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
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Bottom of the Barrel – Here’s a quickie you can insert into a conversation or sermon or whatever on the topic of global warming.
It seems they had a severe drought in Texas (or change that to whatever place suits you). It’s caused some significant changes. The Baptists have begun to sprinkle; the Methodists are using a wet towel; and the Presbyterians are issuing rain checks.
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Acts 1:15-17, 21-26
Reader I: It took them awhile, didn’t it?
Reader II: Who?
I: Those early church folks. The little group of believers who gathered together after the death and resurrection of Jesus. It took them awhile to get their act together.
II: Well, they had some pretty tough things to deal with. There was the little matter of Judas. He had been one of the 12 apostles that Jesus hand-picked to start up the church.
I: Wasn’t Judas the guy who betrayed Jesus – who turned him in to the authorities?
II: Yes. And right after he did it, Judas realized what a terrible thing he had done. He tried to give back the money he had been paid for this, but they wouldn’t take it. So Judas killed himself.
I: The passage we’re supposed to read today – it talks about finding someone to replace Judas. But they don’t discuss qualifications – any trained personnel manager would have had a fit.
II: That’s true. If they had stopped to talk about qualifications, Mary of Magdala was by far the most qualified of the bunch. But she was a woman, and so they didn’t even consider her.
I: And in this story they talk about casting lots. Isn’t that gambling?
II: They didn’t think of it that way. They saw it as allowing God to make the decision.
I: Well, let’s get on with it.
II: We’re reading from the first chapter of the book of Acts.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: In those days Peter stood up among the believers and spoke to them. Together the crowd numbered about one hundred twenty persons.
II: "Friends, the scripture had to be fulfilled, which the Holy Spirit through David foretold concerning Judas, who became a guide for those who arrested Jesus. Judas was numbered among us and was allotted his share in this ministry. So one of the men who have accompanied us during all the time that the Lord Jesus went in and out among us, beginning from the baptism of John until the day when he was taken up from us – one of these must become a witness with us to his resurrection."
I: So the little gathering proposed two names, Joseph called Barsabbas, who was also known as Justus – and Matthias. Then they prayed together.
II: "Lord, you know everyone's heart. Show us which one of these two you have chosen to take the place in this ministry and apostleship from which Judas turned aside to go to his own place."
I: And they cast lots for them, and the lot fell on Matthias. And he was added to the eleven apostles.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Friday, May 8, 2009
Preaching Materials for May 17, 2009
R U M O R S # 552
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-05-10
May 10, 2009
OUTSIDE THE COMFORT CIRCLE
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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“Them thar computer gizmos is gonna be the death of me!”
Alexander Salamander John Henry Jones
I just discovered that a batch of mail from you folks was being stashed in a file called “Junk Mail.” Which mostly it wasn’t.
I use a spam filter called “Cloudmark” which is really quite wonderful. Because my e-mail address goes out every week in Rumors, and appears on several websites, the crawlers which the spammers use to “harvest” e-mail addresses have found mine, and I get about 300 pieces of junk mail every day.
I thought the “junk mail” file was just one of the places my spam filter put the garbage. I was wrong.
Microsoft Outlook was the culprit. I found several dozen pieces of real mail there, most of it from Rumors readers. So if you’ve sent me an e-mail in the last few months and I haven’t responded, that’s probably why.
Over the next few days, I’ll try to catch up.
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The Story – get the whole story
Rumors – love one another
Soft Edges – filling the gaps
Good Stuff – funeral music
Bloopers – silent medication
We Get Letters – wrestling women
Mirabile Dictu! – Ding Gogh
Bottom of the Barrel – inner peace
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Acts 10:44-48
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – Mary Lautensleger of Charlotte, North Carolina sends this chuckle.
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd, put his hands up like claws and roar.
So it went, step, step, roar! Step, step, roar! All the way down the aisle. The crowd of course, roared with laughter.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, May 17th, which is the 6th Sunday of Easter.
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) is Acts 10:44-48.
Ralph says:
We get only the tail-end of the story. In fact, nowhere in the lectionary cycle is the whole story told – i.e. the whole of the 10th chapter. That’s why the folks who did the versification way back when put it all in one chapter. They could recognize a story, even if the Common Lectionary folks have trouble with the concept.
If you scoot down to the Reader’s Theatre version, you’ll see that our famed thespians also tell the first part of the story – which one way or another really needs to be done – if folks are going to get the point of the last four verses.
The story as a whole is important. A recent cover story in Maclean’s Magazine “reveals the limits of religious tolerance in Canada.” That stings a bit because we Canucks tend to think of ourselves as open minded and accommodating – accepting people from all walks of life and from every part of the globe. Turns out it’s a bit of pious fiction.
But this is a time when we really need to hear that “God shows no partiality, but in every nation, anyone who fears him and does what is right is acceptable to him (10:34-35).”
Of course that’s mostly been interpreted to mean that God likes us if we are card carrying Christians of one sort or another, but the time has come and now is when we need to knock down those perceptual walls and notice what God is doing through people of different faiths, colors, nationalities, etc.
Jim says –
Ralph’s right – you need to tell the whole story of Acts 10, not just these four truncated verses. In fact, you should also add Acts 11:1-18, which tells how Peter got hauled onto the carpet for exceeding the accepted norms.
To my mind, this is the core passage of Acts. Acts 2, the arrival of what we call in sepulchral ones “The Holy Spirit” gets more attention. So does Paul’s miraculous conversion on the road to Damascus. But it is here that the church moves beyond being just a Jewish sect, and begins to reach out to the Gentile world.
Some scholars say it took 14 more years before Paul began his missionary expeditions. Paul is usually considered the Apostle to the Gentiles. But Peter and Cornelius opened the door.
However, even if you choose to preach only on these four verses, there are some gems worth exploring. For example, the astonishment of the circumcised believers who had come with Peter, that the Holy Spirit could be poured out on uncircumcised Gentiles. As if a foreskin was sufficient to keep God out!
So I might explore some equally ludicrous assumptions many of us still cling to. For example:
* That a wedding ring entitles a husband to rape his wife.
* That having a uterus disqualifies women from making decisions about abortion.
* That church rules and traditions can’t be questioned.
* That anyone who can’t speak English can’t possibly be a world leader.
* That using the name of Jesus requires God to fulfill our prayers.
* That those who don’t attend church – or who don’t give generously to it – can’t be truly religious.
* That a gay or lesbian orientation excludes one from the circle of God’s mercy.
Perhaps things haven’t changed all that much in 20 centuries.
Psalm 98 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Commanded to Love
1 How different God's creation is from human conflict.
The clamor of human strife creates a cacophony.
Like orchestras competing with their conductor, nations murder each other's melodies.
2 But God has other music.
3 The colors of nature never clash with each other.
4 In a garden, every shade of leaf and flower join in a joyous chorus;
bare branch and bonsai provide a counterpoint balancing the beauty of blossoms.
5-6 In the depths of the jungle, the sounds of termite and tiger
weave a wondrous harmony;
eerie descants echo through the ocean's deeps;
the rhythm of life throbs in every cell,
and the seasons swell and ebb away.
7-8 From the farthest nebula to the tiniest atom, all creation dances to honor its choreographer.
9 God applauds each performance.
But God detects the discords, too.
And God does not applaud.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
1 John 5:1-6 – Verse 3 says if we love God, we will “obey God’s commandments.” There are nuances in those words that I find troubling.
When I was doing the “Lectionary Story Bible,” I offered a tale of children ducking down into the water, letting it soak right through their clothes, as a metaphor of living in God’s love. I didn’t want the children to get the idea that to “obey God’s commandments” meant a kind of unthinking, military style obedience. “Yes sir! Very good sir! How high sir?”
Loving God means that God’s love surrounds you like the water you swim in or the air you breathe, and that you want nothing more than to “live God’s way,” a phrase that recurs often in those books.
John 15:9-17 – Again, words like “command” need a bit of poking at. That phase does not mean “You are my friends if you do exactly what I tell you without quibbling.” That kind of demand doesn’t reflect love.
I am a very fortunate person in that I have a number of friends. I wouldn’t say that to them, nor would they say it to me. And yet our mutual yearning, desire, is to respond to the other’s needs. That’s part of the friendship, and we try to respond to, or at the very least, respect those needs.
Jesus doesn’t want our mindless flattery – a litany of praises – constantly telling Jesus how wonderful he is and what awful scum we are. Yet, that’s the content of many prayers and praise songs. That’s not love. That’s mindless dependence.
Jesus wants our friendship, and doing what he commands means caring what he cares for. Not blindly, but intelligently and freely. Loving what he loves. Working for justice for the rest of the human flock God loves so much.
The whole Peter-Cornelius story begins on page 115 of “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B.” “Duck Down Under the Water,” a children’s version of John 15:9-14, is on page 117.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday of the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – “Love one another.”
That easily ranks as the most popular commandment. And it should be. There is no greater power than love.
My dad was a teacher. He taught high school, and one of the boys in that high school, a classmate of mine actually, was (to be very politically correct) socially challenged. Well, no, that doesn’t do it. Stan (not his real name, of course) was royally messed up. He needed help, and he needed it badly.
There were only three or four boys my age in the small town, and Stan was one of them. I had a hearty dislike for him, even though I couldn’t afford to show it. Stan was bigger and stronger and I knew that any show of dislike would have resulted in a very bad nosebleed.
Stan's dad was chair of the school board, and hence my dad’s boss. One day Stan's dad came by our house in that tiny Manitoba town. I was in the shed fixing my bike, so I overheard the conversation outside in the garden.
Stan's dad wanted to talk about my dad’s chickens, which we kept to supplement the meager teacher’s salary. My dad wanted to talk about Stan. Several times, my dad introduced the subject of Stan’s problems. Several times, Stan’s dad changed the subject to the chickens.
Finally my dad lost his patience. “You are more interested in my chickens than your own son,” he blurted out.
Stan’s dad turned on his heel and left. That night, Dad was called to a special meeting of the school board. He was fired.
When he came home from that meeting, after telling Mom what had happened, he wrote a long letter to Stan’s dad. Not about being fired. About Stan. “The boy will wind up in jail,” said my dad. And he was right. That’s exactly where Stan wound up.
Whenever I look for a definition of the kind of practical love Jesus was talking about, I think of my dad’s love for Stan.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Filling in the Gaps
When I was younger, I believed that eggs made water boil faster. Why not? When I looked in the pot of boiling water, the eggs were always where the water was boiling hardest.
It took me years to realize that the heat created circulating currents in the water; the currents drew the eggs into the spot where the water was rising fastest.
Similarly, an information-technology speaker named Derek Powazek tells that his grandmother believed cucumbers hurt her hands. Why not? Her hands hurt when she was chopping cucumbers for cucumber salad; they didn’t when she wasn’t.
“Our brains,” Powazek explains, “take a ton of input and turn it into narrative stories to help us understand the world... But if you take away some of that input, our brains work twice as hard to fill in the gaps.”
And when we feel that we have lost control, we tend to fill in those gaps with conspiracy theories.
Think about the range of conspiracy theories that flourished after John Kennedy was shot in Dallas. Some still make the rounds.
Or the conspiracy theories about the airliners that crashed into the twin towers of the World Trade Center, into the Pentagon, and into a field in Pennsylvania. Many of those are still circulating, blaming everything from the White House administration to the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers to a shadowy group of mostly Jewish bankers intent on taking over world government...
Unfortunately, modern technologies exacerbate our feelings of helplessness.
Few things get me more riled up than voice mail. When my computer dies, when my furnace quits, when I need to see a doctor, the last thing I want is a recorded voice telling me which button to press.
And the Internet is no better. Alex Trebek encouraged Jeopardy viewers to register to win a free trip to the Galapagos Islands, personally escorted by Alex himself. All we had to do was remember the category for the final question on the program.
I tried to register.
But the on-line registration form would not accept a Canadian province as a valid address.
The promotional materials did not say, anywhere, that the contest was restricted to U.S. residents. I tried to protest. The little box provided for comments cut me off when I exceeded a certain number of characters. But it didn’t tell me how many characters I was allowed.
Aarrrrggghhhh! Talk about feeling out of control!
“This begins to explain why normal people become jerks on-line,” Powazek explains. “Their brains are working harder to make meaning out of chaos, and the meaning their stressed-out brains see is one where they feel justified in lashing out.”
That’s why – despite technological advances – we still need to meet face to face. Forms, questionnaires, and voice-mail menus are all very well. But they are, inevitably, anonymous. Artificial. Mechanical.
We need to know the other person well enough to fill in the gaps with some sensitivity and empathy.
Otherwise, we may fill the gaps with hostility.
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Good Stuff – Alan Craig sends this cheery report from London. Or wherever it is that he is.
He says someone else sent it to him, leaving open the possibility of blaming that someone else if this item turns out to be hogwash. If that turns out to be the case, I will blame Alan, and Alan will blame the nameless soul out there in that electronic internet haze. It’s a very practical arrangement.
Forget hymns like "Abide With Me", "Amazing Grace" and "Jerusalem" the next time you attend a funeral, because you're more likely to hear – at least in Britain – Monty Python's "Always Look On The Bright Side of Life" or the theme song from the Benny Hill television show.
A survey of 30,000 funerals conducted last year found that hymns were now the most popular requests at only 35% of services. "My Way" by Frank Sinatra was the most popular, followed by "Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler and "Time To Say Goodbye" by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman.
"You Raise Me Up" by Westlife and "Angels" by Robbie Williams made the top 10, while X Factor winner Alexandra Burke's "Hallelujah" was at number 26 only months after topping the Christmas chart.
Lorinda Sheasby, of Co-operative Funeralcare, said the findings indicated that tastes are changing, with television programs and chart hits influencing people's choices.
"Today's tear-jerking chart topper is extremely unlikely to be tomorrow's funeral classic but it's quite possible it will figure highly in the months or even years to come."
On the downside, priests reject one in 10 requests, including those for AC/DC's "Highway To Hell" and "Another One Bites The Dust" by Queen. Even further on the downside is that some requests are for theme songs from soap operas.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – I have it on unimpeachable authority that in a local church last Sunday, the Acts passage was read as “…and scribes assembled in Jerusalem, with Anus the high priest…” That may be a fairly accurate metaphor showing us how those new Christians felt about him.
April Dailey writes: “Your list of hymns this week reminded me of the secretary at the church where I was an intern (waaay too long ago). During Lent, she listed the Hymn of the day as "Jesus, Refuse of the Weary". The pastor and I had to laugh and remembered Golgotha was near the garbage pit for the city of Jerusalem. Continuing proof of God's sense of humor!
Jan Morony of Colby, Kansas, says a friend typed a bulletin which told folks that following the sermon, there was to be a “time of silent medication.”
Right on, Jan. As my pastor Karen Medland said last Sunday, it’s the job of the preacher to comfort the afflicted and afflicted the comfortable. So the sermon is good if it leaves you feeling bruised and in need of medication.
Su DeBree saw this “about the men’s church group starting a new project.
“At our May meeting we will host our first annual Widow’s Banquet. Invitations have been sent and the men are looking forward to the event.”
Judy Brown of Lincoln, Vermont, says their spell-checker doesn’t understand churchy words. The spell check corrected the word “"parishoners." So the announcement read: "Dick will give this info to Judy so that we can let prisoners know in the Sunday bulletin and the news letter."
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
Thomas Jefferson via John Severson
God is not a moral theologian, for which we should all be grateful.
William James via Stephani Keer
All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble.
source unknown
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We Get Letters – Karen Dickinson of Nova Scotia writes: “We noticed this on the large outdoor sign at a nearby Community Centre. ‘UCW Wrestling coming in May. Get your tickets.’”
In Karen’s congregation, “UCW” usually stands for “United Church Women.”
Karen continues: “We knew that UCW stands for Ultimate Championship Wrestling, but the sign sent our minds racing to so many possibilities for a fund raiser! And to say nothing of the ‘wrestling monikers’ – ‘Battlin’ Bertha’, ‘Carol the Conqueress’ – the imagination runs wild! Some of the women felt they might have a problem with the leg holds as they hadn’t had their hip replacements yet!”
Horace King of Binghamton, New York, sends along these “two old chestnuts from the hymnal” to add to our list. 'While Shepherds Washed Their Socks by Night" "O Thou Who Changes Snot, Abide With Me".Nancy Prieb of Hutchinson, Kansas writes about a sign she saw, “with my Dad, who is 83 years young, in an oncologist’s waiting room. "Loud Snoring Is Not Allowed In the Waiting Room"
Nancy also passes on a quote she heard from a 75 year old lady with lung cancer: "Old Age Is Not For Sissy's"
Nancy – as one of those now amply blessed in years, I can really affirm that statement.
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “ Ding Gogh!”) Loretta Romankewicz “had a great chuckle about the Van Gogh relatives. In 1999 my husband and I had a great time composing "a family tree" for the Van Goghs. May I add a few of our 'thoughts' to your list?
* Lumbay Gogh – uncle with a bad back;
* Impeti Gogh – the aunt with a bad rash;
* Giddyupan Gogh – the bronco buster son;
* Legg Gogh – the building blockhead of a son;
* Tierra del Fue Gogh – the family estate
* Ding Gogh – the family dog;
* Cali Gogh – the family cat
* Mary Gogh – married Mr. Round
* Archie pela Gogh – oceanic explorer
* Indi Gogh married Ping Gogh and had Siamese twins called Izzy Cum and Izzy Gogh
Before you tell me Where to Gogh, all the best to you and your wife and a thank you to Jim for his fine paraphrasing of the Psalms.
Gotta Gogh!
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Bottom of the Barrel – We got this memo from Vern Ratzlaff.
Subject: Inner Peace
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha marinder of botl of Prozic and Valum pscriptins, the res of the Chesescke and a box a chocolets.
Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Preas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece
Vern: My Spell Checker has just applied for indefinite stress leave.
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Acts 10:44-48
Reader I: It doesn’t work!
Reader II: What doesn’t work?
I: This itty-bitty scripture. Four verses from the book of Acts. It’s like coming in during the last two minutes of the movie when the guy gets the girl and they all live happily ever after.
II: I don’t think they make movies like that anymore.
I: Well they should.
II: But you’re right. The first sentence in the passage says, “While Peter was still speaking…” I mean – to whom? Why? What’s going on?
I: OK. Let’s go back to the beginning and tell the whole thing. Then we’ll read the passage that’s assigned to us.
II: The scene opens in the city of Caesarea (SEE-za-re-ah). There was a centurion, a guy from the Roman army. He was a good type who played fair, and gave lot of money to charity. And he believed in the one God that the Jews believed in.
I: You mean he was a Roman but he was Jewish.
II: No. There were lots of people who had learned about the one God from the Jews, but hadn’t actually become Jews. Among other things, if you were male, it meant you had to be circumcised.
I: Yeah, ah, that would be a challenge.
II: His name was Cornelius. And he’d had a dream – a vision he called it, since it happened in the middle of the afternoon – that he should send for a man named Peter …
I: This is the same Peter who was Jesus’ disciple?
II: Correct. Except that instead of being kind of dumb and inarticulate, Peter is now a first-class preacher. And Peter also has a dream. Or a vision. Because it happened in the middle of the day.
I: They hadn’t been into some weird mushrooms, or smoking something or…
II: No. No. Peter had a vision about a huge sheet that came down from the sky. And in the sheet there were the animals that Jewish dietary laws said were no-nos. Peter heard a voice.
I: “Get up, Peter. Take and eat.”
II: “No-way! I am a good Jew. I don’t eat that stuff. It’s dirty.”
I: “What God has made clean. Don’t call dirty. Or profane.”
II: That happened three times. So Peter figured, this must be serious.
I: That’s when the doorbell rang.
II: They didn’t have doorbells. Somebody knocked.
I: OK, somebody knocked on the door and it turned out to some messengers from Cornelius, the Roman soldier.
II: “Our master, Cornelius, would like you to come to his house. He’s had a vision that told him to ask you to come. He knows you have something important to tell him.”
I: Peter hemmed and hawed a bit, because Jewish law said that a good Jew didn’t go into the house of a Gentile. If he did that, he would be ritually unclean. But Peter kept hearing this voice in his said, “What God has declared clean, don’t you call dirty.”
II: So Peter went. He was in a cold sweat all the way, but he went. And when he got there, the house was full of people. Cornelius had invited all his friends and neighbors.
I: “So tell us Peter. What has God commanded you to say to us?”
II: “My friends. God shows no partiality. In any place or nation, anyone who tries to live a decent faith is acceptable to God. That includes you people.”
I: Then Peter preached the sermon of his life. He told the story of Jesus – the gospel of love and justice that Jesus had lived – and how he had been found guilty of sedition and crucified on a Roman cross.
II: “They put him to death by hanging him from a tree, but God raised him on the third day and allowed him to appear, not to all the people but to us who were chosen by God as witnesses, and who ate and drank with him after he rose from the dead.”
I: OK. Now we get to our assigned Lectionary passage. The book of Acts, chapter 10, verses 44-48.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
II: While Peter was still speaking, the Holy Spirit fell upon all who heard the word. The Jewish believers who had come with Peter were astounded that the gift of the Holy Spirit had been poured out even on the Gentiles, for they heard them speaking in tongues and extolling God.
I: Then Peter spoke to them.
II: "Can anyone withhold the water for baptizing these people who have received the Holy Spirit just as we have?"
I: So Peter ordered them to be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ. Then they invited him to stay for several days.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-05-10
May 10, 2009
OUTSIDE THE COMFORT CIRCLE
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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“Them thar computer gizmos is gonna be the death of me!”
Alexander Salamander John Henry Jones
I just discovered that a batch of mail from you folks was being stashed in a file called “Junk Mail.” Which mostly it wasn’t.
I use a spam filter called “Cloudmark” which is really quite wonderful. Because my e-mail address goes out every week in Rumors, and appears on several websites, the crawlers which the spammers use to “harvest” e-mail addresses have found mine, and I get about 300 pieces of junk mail every day.
I thought the “junk mail” file was just one of the places my spam filter put the garbage. I was wrong.
Microsoft Outlook was the culprit. I found several dozen pieces of real mail there, most of it from Rumors readers. So if you’ve sent me an e-mail in the last few months and I haven’t responded, that’s probably why.
Over the next few days, I’ll try to catch up.
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The Story – get the whole story
Rumors – love one another
Soft Edges – filling the gaps
Good Stuff – funeral music
Bloopers – silent medication
We Get Letters – wrestling women
Mirabile Dictu! – Ding Gogh
Bottom of the Barrel – inner peace
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Acts 10:44-48
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – Mary Lautensleger of Charlotte, North Carolina sends this chuckle.
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd, put his hands up like claws and roar.
So it went, step, step, roar! Step, step, roar! All the way down the aisle. The crowd of course, roared with laughter.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, May 17th, which is the 6th Sunday of Easter.
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) is Acts 10:44-48.
Ralph says:
We get only the tail-end of the story. In fact, nowhere in the lectionary cycle is the whole story told – i.e. the whole of the 10th chapter. That’s why the folks who did the versification way back when put it all in one chapter. They could recognize a story, even if the Common Lectionary folks have trouble with the concept.
If you scoot down to the Reader’s Theatre version, you’ll see that our famed thespians also tell the first part of the story – which one way or another really needs to be done – if folks are going to get the point of the last four verses.
The story as a whole is important. A recent cover story in Maclean’s Magazine “reveals the limits of religious tolerance in Canada.” That stings a bit because we Canucks tend to think of ourselves as open minded and accommodating – accepting people from all walks of life and from every part of the globe. Turns out it’s a bit of pious fiction.
But this is a time when we really need to hear that “God shows no partiality, but in every nation, anyone who fears him and does what is right is acceptable to him (10:34-35).”
Of course that’s mostly been interpreted to mean that God likes us if we are card carrying Christians of one sort or another, but the time has come and now is when we need to knock down those perceptual walls and notice what God is doing through people of different faiths, colors, nationalities, etc.
Jim says –
Ralph’s right – you need to tell the whole story of Acts 10, not just these four truncated verses. In fact, you should also add Acts 11:1-18, which tells how Peter got hauled onto the carpet for exceeding the accepted norms.
To my mind, this is the core passage of Acts. Acts 2, the arrival of what we call in sepulchral ones “The Holy Spirit” gets more attention. So does Paul’s miraculous conversion on the road to Damascus. But it is here that the church moves beyond being just a Jewish sect, and begins to reach out to the Gentile world.
Some scholars say it took 14 more years before Paul began his missionary expeditions. Paul is usually considered the Apostle to the Gentiles. But Peter and Cornelius opened the door.
However, even if you choose to preach only on these four verses, there are some gems worth exploring. For example, the astonishment of the circumcised believers who had come with Peter, that the Holy Spirit could be poured out on uncircumcised Gentiles. As if a foreskin was sufficient to keep God out!
So I might explore some equally ludicrous assumptions many of us still cling to. For example:
* That a wedding ring entitles a husband to rape his wife.
* That having a uterus disqualifies women from making decisions about abortion.
* That church rules and traditions can’t be questioned.
* That anyone who can’t speak English can’t possibly be a world leader.
* That using the name of Jesus requires God to fulfill our prayers.
* That those who don’t attend church – or who don’t give generously to it – can’t be truly religious.
* That a gay or lesbian orientation excludes one from the circle of God’s mercy.
Perhaps things haven’t changed all that much in 20 centuries.
Psalm 98 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Commanded to Love
1 How different God's creation is from human conflict.
The clamor of human strife creates a cacophony.
Like orchestras competing with their conductor, nations murder each other's melodies.
2 But God has other music.
3 The colors of nature never clash with each other.
4 In a garden, every shade of leaf and flower join in a joyous chorus;
bare branch and bonsai provide a counterpoint balancing the beauty of blossoms.
5-6 In the depths of the jungle, the sounds of termite and tiger
weave a wondrous harmony;
eerie descants echo through the ocean's deeps;
the rhythm of life throbs in every cell,
and the seasons swell and ebb away.
7-8 From the farthest nebula to the tiniest atom, all creation dances to honor its choreographer.
9 God applauds each performance.
But God detects the discords, too.
And God does not applaud.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
1 John 5:1-6 – Verse 3 says if we love God, we will “obey God’s commandments.” There are nuances in those words that I find troubling.
When I was doing the “Lectionary Story Bible,” I offered a tale of children ducking down into the water, letting it soak right through their clothes, as a metaphor of living in God’s love. I didn’t want the children to get the idea that to “obey God’s commandments” meant a kind of unthinking, military style obedience. “Yes sir! Very good sir! How high sir?”
Loving God means that God’s love surrounds you like the water you swim in or the air you breathe, and that you want nothing more than to “live God’s way,” a phrase that recurs often in those books.
John 15:9-17 – Again, words like “command” need a bit of poking at. That phase does not mean “You are my friends if you do exactly what I tell you without quibbling.” That kind of demand doesn’t reflect love.
I am a very fortunate person in that I have a number of friends. I wouldn’t say that to them, nor would they say it to me. And yet our mutual yearning, desire, is to respond to the other’s needs. That’s part of the friendship, and we try to respond to, or at the very least, respect those needs.
Jesus doesn’t want our mindless flattery – a litany of praises – constantly telling Jesus how wonderful he is and what awful scum we are. Yet, that’s the content of many prayers and praise songs. That’s not love. That’s mindless dependence.
Jesus wants our friendship, and doing what he commands means caring what he cares for. Not blindly, but intelligently and freely. Loving what he loves. Working for justice for the rest of the human flock God loves so much.
The whole Peter-Cornelius story begins on page 115 of “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B.” “Duck Down Under the Water,” a children’s version of John 15:9-14, is on page 117.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday of the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – “Love one another.”
That easily ranks as the most popular commandment. And it should be. There is no greater power than love.
My dad was a teacher. He taught high school, and one of the boys in that high school, a classmate of mine actually, was (to be very politically correct) socially challenged. Well, no, that doesn’t do it. Stan (not his real name, of course) was royally messed up. He needed help, and he needed it badly.
There were only three or four boys my age in the small town, and Stan was one of them. I had a hearty dislike for him, even though I couldn’t afford to show it. Stan was bigger and stronger and I knew that any show of dislike would have resulted in a very bad nosebleed.
Stan's dad was chair of the school board, and hence my dad’s boss. One day Stan's dad came by our house in that tiny Manitoba town. I was in the shed fixing my bike, so I overheard the conversation outside in the garden.
Stan's dad wanted to talk about my dad’s chickens, which we kept to supplement the meager teacher’s salary. My dad wanted to talk about Stan. Several times, my dad introduced the subject of Stan’s problems. Several times, Stan’s dad changed the subject to the chickens.
Finally my dad lost his patience. “You are more interested in my chickens than your own son,” he blurted out.
Stan’s dad turned on his heel and left. That night, Dad was called to a special meeting of the school board. He was fired.
When he came home from that meeting, after telling Mom what had happened, he wrote a long letter to Stan’s dad. Not about being fired. About Stan. “The boy will wind up in jail,” said my dad. And he was right. That’s exactly where Stan wound up.
Whenever I look for a definition of the kind of practical love Jesus was talking about, I think of my dad’s love for Stan.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Filling in the Gaps
When I was younger, I believed that eggs made water boil faster. Why not? When I looked in the pot of boiling water, the eggs were always where the water was boiling hardest.
It took me years to realize that the heat created circulating currents in the water; the currents drew the eggs into the spot where the water was rising fastest.
Similarly, an information-technology speaker named Derek Powazek tells that his grandmother believed cucumbers hurt her hands. Why not? Her hands hurt when she was chopping cucumbers for cucumber salad; they didn’t when she wasn’t.
“Our brains,” Powazek explains, “take a ton of input and turn it into narrative stories to help us understand the world... But if you take away some of that input, our brains work twice as hard to fill in the gaps.”
And when we feel that we have lost control, we tend to fill in those gaps with conspiracy theories.
Think about the range of conspiracy theories that flourished after John Kennedy was shot in Dallas. Some still make the rounds.
Or the conspiracy theories about the airliners that crashed into the twin towers of the World Trade Center, into the Pentagon, and into a field in Pennsylvania. Many of those are still circulating, blaming everything from the White House administration to the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers to a shadowy group of mostly Jewish bankers intent on taking over world government...
Unfortunately, modern technologies exacerbate our feelings of helplessness.
Few things get me more riled up than voice mail. When my computer dies, when my furnace quits, when I need to see a doctor, the last thing I want is a recorded voice telling me which button to press.
And the Internet is no better. Alex Trebek encouraged Jeopardy viewers to register to win a free trip to the Galapagos Islands, personally escorted by Alex himself. All we had to do was remember the category for the final question on the program.
I tried to register.
But the on-line registration form would not accept a Canadian province as a valid address.
The promotional materials did not say, anywhere, that the contest was restricted to U.S. residents. I tried to protest. The little box provided for comments cut me off when I exceeded a certain number of characters. But it didn’t tell me how many characters I was allowed.
Aarrrrggghhhh! Talk about feeling out of control!
“This begins to explain why normal people become jerks on-line,” Powazek explains. “Their brains are working harder to make meaning out of chaos, and the meaning their stressed-out brains see is one where they feel justified in lashing out.”
That’s why – despite technological advances – we still need to meet face to face. Forms, questionnaires, and voice-mail menus are all very well. But they are, inevitably, anonymous. Artificial. Mechanical.
We need to know the other person well enough to fill in the gaps with some sensitivity and empathy.
Otherwise, we may fill the gaps with hostility.
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Good Stuff – Alan Craig sends this cheery report from London. Or wherever it is that he is.
He says someone else sent it to him, leaving open the possibility of blaming that someone else if this item turns out to be hogwash. If that turns out to be the case, I will blame Alan, and Alan will blame the nameless soul out there in that electronic internet haze. It’s a very practical arrangement.
Forget hymns like "Abide With Me", "Amazing Grace" and "Jerusalem" the next time you attend a funeral, because you're more likely to hear – at least in Britain – Monty Python's "Always Look On The Bright Side of Life" or the theme song from the Benny Hill television show.
A survey of 30,000 funerals conducted last year found that hymns were now the most popular requests at only 35% of services. "My Way" by Frank Sinatra was the most popular, followed by "Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler and "Time To Say Goodbye" by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman.
"You Raise Me Up" by Westlife and "Angels" by Robbie Williams made the top 10, while X Factor winner Alexandra Burke's "Hallelujah" was at number 26 only months after topping the Christmas chart.
Lorinda Sheasby, of Co-operative Funeralcare, said the findings indicated that tastes are changing, with television programs and chart hits influencing people's choices.
"Today's tear-jerking chart topper is extremely unlikely to be tomorrow's funeral classic but it's quite possible it will figure highly in the months or even years to come."
On the downside, priests reject one in 10 requests, including those for AC/DC's "Highway To Hell" and "Another One Bites The Dust" by Queen. Even further on the downside is that some requests are for theme songs from soap operas.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – I have it on unimpeachable authority that in a local church last Sunday, the Acts passage was read as “…and scribes assembled in Jerusalem, with Anus the high priest…” That may be a fairly accurate metaphor showing us how those new Christians felt about him.
April Dailey writes: “Your list of hymns this week reminded me of the secretary at the church where I was an intern (waaay too long ago). During Lent, she listed the Hymn of the day as "Jesus, Refuse of the Weary". The pastor and I had to laugh and remembered Golgotha was near the garbage pit for the city of Jerusalem. Continuing proof of God's sense of humor!
Jan Morony of Colby, Kansas, says a friend typed a bulletin which told folks that following the sermon, there was to be a “time of silent medication.”
Right on, Jan. As my pastor Karen Medland said last Sunday, it’s the job of the preacher to comfort the afflicted and afflicted the comfortable. So the sermon is good if it leaves you feeling bruised and in need of medication.
Su DeBree saw this “about the men’s church group starting a new project.
“At our May meeting we will host our first annual Widow’s Banquet. Invitations have been sent and the men are looking forward to the event.”
Judy Brown of Lincoln, Vermont, says their spell-checker doesn’t understand churchy words. The spell check corrected the word “"parishoners." So the announcement read: "Dick will give this info to Judy so that we can let prisoners know in the Sunday bulletin and the news letter."
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
Thomas Jefferson via John Severson
God is not a moral theologian, for which we should all be grateful.
William James via Stephani Keer
All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble.
source unknown
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We Get Letters – Karen Dickinson of Nova Scotia writes: “We noticed this on the large outdoor sign at a nearby Community Centre. ‘UCW Wrestling coming in May. Get your tickets.’”
In Karen’s congregation, “UCW” usually stands for “United Church Women.”
Karen continues: “We knew that UCW stands for Ultimate Championship Wrestling, but the sign sent our minds racing to so many possibilities for a fund raiser! And to say nothing of the ‘wrestling monikers’ – ‘Battlin’ Bertha’, ‘Carol the Conqueress’ – the imagination runs wild! Some of the women felt they might have a problem with the leg holds as they hadn’t had their hip replacements yet!”
Horace King of Binghamton, New York, sends along these “two old chestnuts from the hymnal” to add to our list. 'While Shepherds Washed Their Socks by Night" "O Thou Who Changes Snot, Abide With Me".Nancy Prieb of Hutchinson, Kansas writes about a sign she saw, “with my Dad, who is 83 years young, in an oncologist’s waiting room. "Loud Snoring Is Not Allowed In the Waiting Room"
Nancy also passes on a quote she heard from a 75 year old lady with lung cancer: "Old Age Is Not For Sissy's"
Nancy – as one of those now amply blessed in years, I can really affirm that statement.
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “ Ding Gogh!”) Loretta Romankewicz “had a great chuckle about the Van Gogh relatives. In 1999 my husband and I had a great time composing "a family tree" for the Van Goghs. May I add a few of our 'thoughts' to your list?
* Lumbay Gogh – uncle with a bad back;
* Impeti Gogh – the aunt with a bad rash;
* Giddyupan Gogh – the bronco buster son;
* Legg Gogh – the building blockhead of a son;
* Tierra del Fue Gogh – the family estate
* Ding Gogh – the family dog;
* Cali Gogh – the family cat
* Mary Gogh – married Mr. Round
* Archie pela Gogh – oceanic explorer
* Indi Gogh married Ping Gogh and had Siamese twins called Izzy Cum and Izzy Gogh
Before you tell me Where to Gogh, all the best to you and your wife and a thank you to Jim for his fine paraphrasing of the Psalms.
Gotta Gogh!
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Bottom of the Barrel – We got this memo from Vern Ratzlaff.
Subject: Inner Peace
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha marinder of botl of Prozic and Valum pscriptins, the res of the Chesescke and a box a chocolets.
Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Preas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece
Vern: My Spell Checker has just applied for indefinite stress leave.
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Acts 10:44-48
Reader I: It doesn’t work!
Reader II: What doesn’t work?
I: This itty-bitty scripture. Four verses from the book of Acts. It’s like coming in during the last two minutes of the movie when the guy gets the girl and they all live happily ever after.
II: I don’t think they make movies like that anymore.
I: Well they should.
II: But you’re right. The first sentence in the passage says, “While Peter was still speaking…” I mean – to whom? Why? What’s going on?
I: OK. Let’s go back to the beginning and tell the whole thing. Then we’ll read the passage that’s assigned to us.
II: The scene opens in the city of Caesarea (SEE-za-re-ah). There was a centurion, a guy from the Roman army. He was a good type who played fair, and gave lot of money to charity. And he believed in the one God that the Jews believed in.
I: You mean he was a Roman but he was Jewish.
II: No. There were lots of people who had learned about the one God from the Jews, but hadn’t actually become Jews. Among other things, if you were male, it meant you had to be circumcised.
I: Yeah, ah, that would be a challenge.
II: His name was Cornelius. And he’d had a dream – a vision he called it, since it happened in the middle of the afternoon – that he should send for a man named Peter …
I: This is the same Peter who was Jesus’ disciple?
II: Correct. Except that instead of being kind of dumb and inarticulate, Peter is now a first-class preacher. And Peter also has a dream. Or a vision. Because it happened in the middle of the day.
I: They hadn’t been into some weird mushrooms, or smoking something or…
II: No. No. Peter had a vision about a huge sheet that came down from the sky. And in the sheet there were the animals that Jewish dietary laws said were no-nos. Peter heard a voice.
I: “Get up, Peter. Take and eat.”
II: “No-way! I am a good Jew. I don’t eat that stuff. It’s dirty.”
I: “What God has made clean. Don’t call dirty. Or profane.”
II: That happened three times. So Peter figured, this must be serious.
I: That’s when the doorbell rang.
II: They didn’t have doorbells. Somebody knocked.
I: OK, somebody knocked on the door and it turned out to some messengers from Cornelius, the Roman soldier.
II: “Our master, Cornelius, would like you to come to his house. He’s had a vision that told him to ask you to come. He knows you have something important to tell him.”
I: Peter hemmed and hawed a bit, because Jewish law said that a good Jew didn’t go into the house of a Gentile. If he did that, he would be ritually unclean. But Peter kept hearing this voice in his said, “What God has declared clean, don’t you call dirty.”
II: So Peter went. He was in a cold sweat all the way, but he went. And when he got there, the house was full of people. Cornelius had invited all his friends and neighbors.
I: “So tell us Peter. What has God commanded you to say to us?”
II: “My friends. God shows no partiality. In any place or nation, anyone who tries to live a decent faith is acceptable to God. That includes you people.”
I: Then Peter preached the sermon of his life. He told the story of Jesus – the gospel of love and justice that Jesus had lived – and how he had been found guilty of sedition and crucified on a Roman cross.
II: “They put him to death by hanging him from a tree, but God raised him on the third day and allowed him to appear, not to all the people but to us who were chosen by God as witnesses, and who ate and drank with him after he rose from the dead.”
I: OK. Now we get to our assigned Lectionary passage. The book of Acts, chapter 10, verses 44-48.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
II: While Peter was still speaking, the Holy Spirit fell upon all who heard the word. The Jewish believers who had come with Peter were astounded that the gift of the Holy Spirit had been poured out even on the Gentiles, for they heard them speaking in tongues and extolling God.
I: Then Peter spoke to them.
II: "Can anyone withhold the water for baptizing these people who have received the Holy Spirit just as we have?"
I: So Peter ordered them to be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ. Then they invited him to stay for several days.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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