R U M O R S # 551
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-05-03
May 3, 2009
COLORING OUTSIDE THE LINES
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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I really appreciate your contributions. I don’t expect you to keep track of what has already been on Rumors. That’s my job.
So if you have a story or a blooper or an anecdote or whatever that you think might fit in Rumors, please send it to me. I can’t promise to answer every e-mail, but I do appreciate every one of them. Send them to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com . And please put something like “Rumors contribution” on the “content” line so that my enthusiastic spam filter doesn’t get you.
Also please include your name and where you are from. Folks like to know.
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The Story – reaching way, way out
Rumors – try harder
Soft Edges – cultivate your friendships
Good Stuff – Jesus loves me
Bloopers – serviving
We Get Letters – a fiendishly profound question
Mirabile Dictu! – amazing face
Bottom of the Barrel – a stewardship story
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Acts 8:26-40
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – This from Phil Gilman of Dunnellon, Florida.
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the selfish behavior that was going on. So God called one of the angels. “Go down to earth. Find out what is going on.” The angel returned and reported to God. “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.”
God thought for a moment, and then decided to get a second opinion. So a second angel was sent.
The angel returned and went directly to God. “Yes, it's true. The World is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.” God was not pleased. “I will send an e-mail to the 5% who are good. I want to encourage them, and help them keep going. The future of the world depends on them.”
Do you know what the e-mail said?
No?
You mean, you didn’t get that e-mail either?
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, May 10th, which is the 5th Sunday of Easter.
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) is Acts 8:26-40 – the story of the Ethiopian eunuch.
Ralph says –
It’s interesting that this story gets so much ink in Acts. It’s a very early story of direct evangelism to someone from outside the Hebrew community. Philip gets a direct command from an angel, and so it is that the Ethiopian is one of the first baptized non-Hebrew Christians.
But think of this. He is a foreigner. He is black.
And he is castrated. In Hebrew eyes, he was an incomplete male and therefore excluded from the sacred assembly (Deut. 23:1) because he couldn’t beget children.
It’s not important to dig through volumes of commentaries to find out exactly what being Ethiopian and a eunuch implied to the early church. It is important to hear the story and let it do its work.
My meditation on this legend led me to write my own version of the story (see Rumors below). The details are purely imaginative.
Jim says –
John 15 has a powerful metaphor; Acts 8 has a story. Guess which one I’d choose to preach on...
According to the scholars, there were two Philips. The first had a bit part in the gospels. He’s probably best known for introducing Nathaniel to the living Jesus. He also asks Jesus some leading questions, elsewhere.
The second Philip is probably a Greek convert, mentioned next after Stephen (in Acts 6:5). He’s as enthusiastic about his new cause as someone who just quit smoking. This passage gives us the formula for evangelism.
First, you have to be there. You can sanction nations at a distance. You can bomb them into submission at a distance. But you have to be there in person to convert them.
Second, they have to be interested. Simply waving a “John 3:16” placard ain’t gonna cut it – unless someone wants to know more.
Third, you have to be willing to teach. God will not provide instant understanding; the evangelist has a responsibility too. That obligates us, too, to be well-informed, and theologically literate.
Fourth, we must be ready to act. Perhaps in unprecedented ways. Because Peter, the presumed leader of the church, had not yet had his dream that provided a rationale for allowing non-Jews into the Christian fold (Acts 10). Presumably, the 3,000 baptized at Pentecost were all already acceptable – Jews and proselytes (note Acts 2:10, 22).
Philip broke the rules. I wonder how often we fail to reach out, because we expect to do things in the traditional pattern, because we stick to the church’s rule book, because we’re afraid to try new things...
Psalm 22:25-31 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Growing and Changing
Each of us has had mentors, elders who led us along for our own sakes.
25 I owe everything to you;
whatever I am, you made me.
I will not tolerate petty criticism of you.
26 You are always fair and impartial;
you never play favorites.
You treat incompetents with the same consideration as geniuses.
27 That is why you are so widely respected.
28 That is why people trust your wisdom and insight.
29 You show me what God must be like.
For God does not send rain only to the just,
nor sunshine only to the successful.
All have equal access to God's grace,
regardless of wealth or status.
30 So your name will be honored in history;
in times to come, people will speak well of you.
31 They will still say, "I owe everything to you."
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
1 John 4:7-21 – I am sure this passage must have been central to the thinking of my friend, the 14th century mystic, Julian of Norwich. After much wrestling, she finally comes down to the thought that there is only one thing you can say about God.
God is love.
That’s it. Nothing more and nothing less.
And being a theologian, she then went on to write a book about that insight. For Julian, the implications are huge. It means that it is impossible to live outside the love of God. Unaware of God’s love – sure. But never outside of it. Here’s what she says:
“Would you know our Lord’s meaning in all this?
Learn it well.
Love was the meaning.
Who showed it to you?
Love.
What did God show you?
Love.
Why did God show it to you?
For love.
Hold fast to this and you shall learn
and know more about love.
But you shall never learn anything
except love from God.”
(my translation from “The Essence of Julian”)
John 15:1-8 – I’ll not soon forget the day Sax Koyama pruned my fruit trees. He lost patience with me and my timid pruning. When he finished, my half-dozen trees looked desperately naked. And there were prunings all over my little orchard. I was convinced my trees would never recover.
But that summer they produced the best, the sweetest, the largest, the most fruit ever. Sadly, Sax died in a tragic accident soon after that. And I could never be quite as aggressive or as skilled when I did the pruning.
When we’re thinking of the pruning metaphor in this passage, it’s not a bit of timid snipping the writer is talking about. The pruning that produces good fruit is aggressive and comprehensive. Every branch is pruned and pruned hard.
I find it quite uncomfortable to think what that implies for me. For my church.
There’s a children’s version of “The Ethiopian Eunuch” story (see below) on page 110 of “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B.” And “Big Juicy Grapes,” a children’s version of the gospel reading (John 15:1-8) is on page 113.
I’ve had a number of responses to the letter I published a month or so ago about a congregation’s creative use of this resource. They had the custom of a children’s lector reading the first scripture lesson before the children left for Sunday School. They decided that the child lector would read the children’s version from The Lectionary Story Bible, and then the adult lector would read the same lesson but from the regular Bible.
The folks writing said they had done this with great success, not because of what it did for the children, although they listened much more attentively. But for what it did for the adults. “It really helps them understand the scripture,” said one writer from Montreal.
If you don’t have this resource, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
A CLARIFICATION: I commented last week that because of the disappearance of outlets for main-line religious books, Wood Lake Publications would no longer do books.
This is true. However, they will continue to publish “Seasons of the Spirit,” “The Whole People of God,” and other assorted congregational resources.
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Rumors – The Ethiopian Eunuch
An aggadah based on Acts 8:26‑40
© Ralph Milton
If I had chosen my own name, it would be something that means, "try harder." Because that's what I've been telling myself, my whole life. "Try harder! Harder!"
I didn't get to choose what I would be. When I was a child, my parents had me castrated. They weren't being mean. They were trying to guarantee me a place in life – work in the royal palace where they hired castrated men to guard the harem.
So I'm grateful to them – and I'm angry at them. I hate them for it. Because when teen age came along and my friends found their voices dropping and their parents talking marriage, my voice stayed high and my parents said, "No, you cannot be married. You are different.
And my friends snickered at me and taunted me. "Yoooo‑nuck! Yoooo‑nuck!" The only thing I knew was to try harder, to be a better scholar, to excel at everything – more capable, more responsible. I was a model teenager.
It worked. I went to work as a guard in the harem, as my parents had arranged, and soon I was chief guard. Before I knew it, I was Chancellor of the Treasury. But it was never enough. People feared me, but nobody loved me. I seldom got invited to social functions, but when I did, the men, especially, found me embarrassing. They would avoid me, if at all possible. Sometimes I caught snippets of conversation like "half a man," and "He's a freak."
So I tried even harder. I worked all the time.
The Queen sent me on diplomatic missions to Egypt, to the Nabateans, to Damascus. Each place I went, I learned everything I could, especially about their gods. But there was no god anywhere for half a man like me. A eunuch.
The Queen sent me to Jerusalem on diplomatic business, and there I visited the Hebrew Temple, a magnificent place. I read their scrolls that told me of a god who led a people out of slavery, a very different kind of god who at times seemed to love – to actually love people.
They have a most unusual prophet, the Hebrew people – a prophet named Isaiah.
I bought the scroll and took it with me. The priest who sold the scrolls had to check with his council to see if it was legal to sell a Hebrew scroll to a black man. It was, provided the black man paid three times the going price. I paid. I wanted that scroll.
This Isaiah seemed to prophesy a ruler, a leader who was a servant, a leader who earned the right to lead through suffering with the hurting people of the world. A most unusual prophet, but I found my heart warmed as I read his scroll. I too had suffered, far more than I admitted even to myself. Yes, I was strong and I was powerful, but I was only half a man.
On my way home, as my carriage bumped along the road, I was reading out the scroll. "Like a sheep he was led to the slaughter, and like a lamb silent before its shearer."
I had to laugh. That was me all right. I was six weeks old when they cut me. You can't protest when you're six weeks old. I read on. "In his humiliation, justice was denied him." Is this Isaiah talking about me or what?
At that point I looked up and saw a man walking along beside my carriage. He was smiling at me.
"Do you understand what you are reading?" he asked.
"No," I said. "I haven't the faintest idea what this is about. Do you'?"
"Yes," said the man. So I invited him up into the carriage. His name was Philip.
"Who is this Isaiah talking about?" I asked. "Is he talking about himself? About someone else? It almost seems as if he is talking about me!"
"May I tell you a story?" Philip asked. Then for an hour or two or three – I have no idea how long – he talked about a man named Jesus – a prophet from a little jerkwater town who seemed to reach out and touch all the hurting people – tax collectors, prostitutes, widows, lepers, foreigners.
"They killed him," said Philip. ''They accused him of sedition. He was crucified.”
“I’m not surprised." I said.
I felt sad. But it was not the end of the story. Not by a long shot.
And so he talked some more, about a resurrected Jesus, a Jesus who it turns out is the Messiah – the chosen one this Isaiah was talking shout – one who came to save the weak and the lost – the people nobody else cared about.
I asked. "Would Jesus care about me?"
"Of course," said Philip.
"Did you know that I'm a eunuch?"
"I guessed. But why should that make a difference?"
"I'm black. I'm a foreigner. But I am successful, and I am rich."
"That's all obvious," Philip laughed. "But again, why should that make a difference. Jesus loves you. He doesn't care about your genitals, or about your skin color, or about your nationality. Jesus especially doesn't give a hoot if you're rich or successful. Jesus loves you."
It took me almost an hour to stop sobbing. I felt as if a huge, heavy load had been lifted from my shoulders and tossed over onto the roadside. Now I could stop trying harder and harder. I could stop struggling. I was a real man, a real man because I was loved by a real man named Jesus who lived and died and rose again and danced among his people.
Our carriage was moving past a wadi full of recent winter rains. "There's water there, Philip. Can I be baptized?"
"Yes," said Philip. "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
Philip held me under that water for an eternity, it seemed. But it was a glorious eternity, in which my old self dissolved into the water And when he raised me up, I knew I was a brand new person – a whole person.
I stood there in the warm, spring sunshine, thanking this new God that I had found, this God who sent such a warm, accepting Messiah. And I knew that everything had changed. I was a different kind of being. Yes, it was the same body I had been so ashamed of. But I wasn't ashamed anymore, because I knew God loved this body of mine, loved all of me. Unconditionally. Even if I didn't try harder.
"Thank you Philip," I said. But when I looked around, he wasn't there. I looked down the road in both directions. He was gone.
But it didn't matter. I bounced back onto my carriage. "Hurry up, folks. Let's get home as fast as we can. I've got some wonderful news to tell everyone back home!'
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Cultivate Your Friendships
An Australian study has found that friendship can be good for your health.
Surely we all know that already, don’t we?
Well, maybe we do, but we don’t always act on what we know.
The Australian study found that older people with a large circle of friends were 22 per cent less likely to die during the 10-year study period than those with fewer friends. Similarly, the Harvard School of Public Health concluded that social integration – a fancy phrase for having a circle of friends – delayed memory loss among elderly Americans. Among the least integrated, memory declined at twice the rate as among the most integrated.
Unfortunately, friendship – like the late Rodney Dangerfield – don’t get no respect.
In general, the role of friendship in our lives isn’t well appreciated, said Rebecca G. Adams, a professor of sociology at the University of North Carolina, Greensboro. Theres scads of stuff on families and marriage, but very little on friendship.
Adams suggested that friendship may have greater influence on our health than family relationships do.
I suspect friendships may also have an effect on others. The most common description of mass killers in the U.S. – from Columbine to Oklahoma City to Binghampton – is that the killer was a loner, a man who kept to himself.
An article in “Utne Reader” magazine tried to define the characteristics of a friend. A friend, it said, listens but never judges, helps you out of a jam, tells it to you straight, and often forgives a debt. Those debts may not be monetary as friends do not keep score of favours given and received.
There is a tendency these days, in world affairs, to equate friendship with conformity. Compliance. An uncritical falling in line.
Friends, married couples, close associates, can speak truth to each other without destroying the relationship. To urge a friend to quit smoking is not being disloyal. To caution an associate against questionable sales techniques is not betrayal.
The late John Macmurray, a British philosopher who died in 1967, did some insightful BBC radio talks. One of them dealt with friendship.
A dominant theme of the Christian gospels, Macmurray noted, was the Kingdom of God. But it had contradictory premises. On the one hand, it was already among us. On the other hand, people should watch for it. It could come at any time, unexpectedly.
Exploring this apparent contradiction, Macmurray observed that Jesus always spoke about familiar experiences. He rarely dealt with abstract hypotheses. He certainly did not venture into science fiction.
So, Macmurray asked, what is there that we are familiar with already, but that could happen anytime? His answer was friendship. Everyone has known friendship. Most of us have at least one close friend. And yet friendship can blossom unexpectedly, unpredictably.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful, Macmurray suggested, if we could treat everyone we encountered as a friend? Or at least, as a possible friend? And could there be a better Kingdom of God than a world in which all were friends to each other?
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Good Stuff – Bob Reiff of Tucson, Arizona, says this has been around for some time. But for those of us who are feeling our age a bit, It’s good to hear the story again and do this bit of reading and singing. And, for those who are preaching on it, the story fits in well with the epistle.
The story has been attributed to the famed Swiss theologian, Karl Barth. I had an unhappy experience with old Karl while taking a Systematic Theology (an oxymoron!) course at Union Seminary in New York. His “Epistle to the Romans” runs to many volumes and is full if impenetrable Teutonic prose.
But he was redeemed for me when he was asked to summarize his theology. He is reputed to have said, “Jesus loves me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so.”
Here’s the story, more or less as Bob sent it to me.
He was 92 years old. And he was invited to preach an anniversary service. People in the pews were restless, wondering what the hoary old clergyman might do. Would he drop dead in mid-sermon? Would he go on and on and on?
Slowly he made his way forward. He had no notes in his hand. He steadied himself on the pulpit.
"When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you about the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50 odd years of preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials – the one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heartbreak and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me.
"Jesus loves me this I know.
for the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to him belong,
we are weak but he is strong.
Yes, Jesus loves me...
the Bible tells me so."
Bob then adds a senior’s version of that old hymn. It’s also been around for a long time, but offers a good chuckle and a few insights.
Jesus loves me, this I know,
though my hair is white as snow
though my sight is growing dim,
still he bids me trust in him.
(Chorus) Yes Jesus loves me . . .etc.
Though my steps are oh, so slow,
with my hand in his I'll go
On through life, let come what may,
he'll be there to lead the way.
(Chorus)
When the nights are dark and long,
in my heart he puts a song.
telling me in words so clear,
"Have no fear, for I am near."
(Chorus)
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Ruth Dudley drives 190K each week to help out a small congregation that has no priest. This was reported in a newsletter as, "Ruth Dudley is currently serviving as ‘locum tenens’ in the parish of . . . ."
Ruth says, “It may have been a typo, but I'd say that ‘serviving’ – a cross between serving and surviving – is most apt!”
from the file
* Hymn: “Wise Up, O Men of God!”
* . . .an evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – Laughter helps us remember all the things we have in common. Clifford Kuhn via Velia Watts
Dave Watters sent us the text from a batch of church signs. Here are a few of them.
* Each service is different. We leave the repeats to TV.
* As you pass this little church,
be sure to plan a visit.
So when at last you’re carried in,
God won’t ask, “Who is it?”
* Speak well of your enemies. After all, you made them.
* God is perfect. Only humans make misteaks.
* We are the soul agents in this area.
* The meek shall inherit the earth. If that’s alright with you.
* Happy Easter to our Christian friends. Happy Passover to our Jewish friends. To our atheist friends – good luck!
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We Get Letters – William Jones of Surprise, Arizona (isn’t “Surprise” a great name for a town?) offers us the question that may become the great theological issue of our age. “Where did the resurrected Jesus get his clothes? His robe was taken from him at the time of his crucifixion. The only reference in the gospel narratives seems to be when Mary mistook him for the gardener. Did he borrow clothes from the gardener? Did he rip off the gardener leaving him naked and hiding in the rose bushes? Did he pick up something at one of the local tailors?”
A really, really, really profound question, William. The only way to deal with this is, in the best traditions of our modern church, to strike a committee. I would propose Episcopalian John Shelby Spong and Randall James of the Southern Baptist Church.
Whichever one survives gets to give the answer.
Nancy Harms enjoyed Jim Taylor’s paraphrase of Psalm 23 last week, especially the line, "The airline didn't lose my bags." It reminded her of a limerick.
Two elephants, Harry and Faye,
couldn't kiss with their trunks in the way,
So, they boarded a plane,
they're now kissing in Maine,
cause their trunks got sent to L.A.”
Source unknown
The short poem discussion also moved Carl Chamberlain of Lockport, New York to contribute a limerick. Sort of.
There was a young girl from Peru, Whose limericks end at line two. . . And the inevitable following: There was a young boy from Verdun
Wayne Seybert of Longmont, Colorado picks up on the notes about the shortest joke and the shortest poem.
Wayne writes: “What is the best joke in the world? A mirror.” He says those who can laugh at themselves will never be sad.”
Wayne, I suggest to folks that the next time, just before they get into the shower and are standing there buck naked, look in the mirror. Then meditate on that amazing statement in Genesis that we are made “in the image and likeness of God” (Genesis 1:26 & 27).
Our comments about sheep last week, prompted Dorothy Peccia to write about an 83-year-old friend who “wept and gnashed her teeth every time she's heard a sermon about the shepherd caring for his lamb-ikins. If she had money she would endow a seminary with money for a flock with the proviso that every seminarian would have to shepherd the flock for several weeks.” She says that “although many sheep may follow the shepherd, there are always those who go off on their own.” So the shepherd must “be a rugged individual who is prepared to fight for and rescue those who go astray.”
April Dailey who lives near Ford City, Pennsylvania says the “plague” blooper last week reminded her of another plague she encountered in one of her country churches some years ago. “Every spring we were absolutely inundated with ladybugs (or whatever those pernicious little beetles are). The little critters would be in my hair, climbing my shoulders, trying to get into the communion elements. I had to leave the chalice covered until the last possible moment. Even then, I'd be periodically waving my hand chasing bugs flying over the chalice. It looked like I was trying to perform some magic trick.”
April, your story reminds me of the laugh I had with Marie Williams of our church who, along with others, does Healing Touch therapy. One summer day it was stifling hot in the room they usually use, but it was nice and cool in the sanctuary. So they set up at the bottom of the chancel steps and began their ministrations over the person lying on the cot.
It seems someone wandered unnoticed into the sanctuary, then left quickly and reported that there must be a funeral that day, and that three women were doing something really weird with the body.
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Amazing Face!”)
Do you know what a mondegreen is? If you do, reach around and give yourself a pat on the back but be careful not to dislocate your shoulder.
“A mondegreen is the mishearing or misinterpretation of a phrase, typically a standardized phrase such as a line in a poem or a lyric in a song.” That’s from the universal authority on absolutely everything, Wikipedia.
Here’s a few I’ve collected.
* Blest Be the Binder Twine
* Amazing Face
* And deliver us from eagles ... (The Lord’s Prayer)
* Blessed Assurance, Jesus Is Nine
* Bringing in the Cheese ... we shall come to Joyce’s, bringing in the cheese
* Blessed are the cheese makers… (Monty Python)
* Cheese Whiz Loves Me, This I Know
* Come, Christians, Join to Sin
* Give us this day our jelly bread ...
* Gladly, the Cross-eyed Bear
* God Sees the Little Sparrow Fall, Its Meat Is Tender Too
* Good King Whence Is Lost
* Good Mrs. Murphy shall follow me all the days of my life. (23rd Psalm)
* Good tidings we bring, to you and your kid …
* Hark, the Hairy Angels Sing
* Harold be that name (Hallowed be thy name)
* He rules the world with Ruth and Grace, and makes the nations groove. (Joy to the World)
* Jesus, Savior, Pile on Meat (Jesus, Savior, pilot me …)
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Bottom of the Barrel – Here’s a great story to use during a stewardship campaign.
The strongman at a circus sideshow demonstrated his power before a large audience. Toward the end, he squeezed the juice from a lemon between his hands. He then said, “I will offer $200 to anyone in the audience who can squeeze another drop from this lemon.”
A thin, scholarly-looking woman came forward, picked up the lemon, strained hard and managed to get a drop. The strongman was amazed. He paid the woman and asked, “What is the secret of your strength?”
“Practice,” the woman answered. “I was the treasurer of [name your own] Church for thirty-two years!”
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Acts 8:26-40
Reader I: Talk about coloring outside the lines.
Reader II: You mean Philip?
I: Yeah. You have this tiny little Christian community – they’re still trying to figure out who they are and what they are supposed to do. And Philip runs off and converts an Ethiopian. And a eunuch too.
II: Do you have a problem with that?
I: No. But I’ll bet those folks in Jerusalem did. He was a foreigner, he was black, and he was a eunuch. That meant he couldn’t have children, and so that made him an incomplete male.
II: I guess the church has been wrestling with these sexuality questions right from the get go.
I: Well it’s a great story. So let’s read it. From the 8th chapter of the book of Acts.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
An angel of the Lord spoke to Philip.
II: "Get up and go toward the south to the road that goes down from Jerusalem to Gaza." I: That was a wilderness road. Way off the beaten track. So Philip got up and went.
II: Now there was an Ethiopian eunuch, a court official of the Candace, queen of the Ethiopians, in charge of her entire treasury. He had come to Jerusalem to worship and was returning home. Seated in his chariot, he was reading the prophet Isaiah. Then the Spirit spoke to Philip again.
II: "Go over to this chariot and join it."
I: So Philip ran up to it and heard the Ethiopian reading out loud from the prophet Isaiah.
II: "Do you understand what you are reading?"
I: "How can I, unless someone guides me? Come. Get into the chariot and sit beside me." II: Now the passage of the scripture that the Ethiopian was reading was this:
I: "Like a sheep he was led to the slaughter, and like a lamb silent before its shearer, so he does not open his mouth. In his humiliation justice was denied him. Who can describe his generation? For his life is taken away from the earth."
So my question is this, Philip. About whom does the prophet say this? About himself or about someone else?"
II: Then Philip began to speak, and starting with this scripture, he proclaimed to his new friend the good news about Jesus. As they were going along the road, they came to some water.
I: "Look, here is water! What is to prevent me from being baptized?"
II: And so the Ethiopian commanded the chariot to stop, and both of them, Philip and the eunuch, went down into the water, and Philip baptized him.
When they came up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord snatched Philip away. The eunuch saw him no more, and went on his way rejoicing.
But Philip found himself at Azotus, and as he was passing through the region, he proclaimed the good news to all the towns until he came to Caesarea.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Preaching Materials for May 3rd, 2009
R U M O R S # 550
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-04-26
April 26th, 2009
ALL WE LIKE SHEEP
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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You can also find Rumors as a blog. Go to: http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
The Story – a problem and an opportunity
Special Note: about the Lectionary Story Bible
Rumors – on the other hand
Soft Edges – random targets
Good Stuff – the benefits of friendship
Bloopers – just like bananas
We Get Letters – the word’s shortest joke
Mirabile Dictu! – say it a lot
Bottom of the Barrel – with feet like sheep
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 19:1-18
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – Peggy Neufeld sent this.
Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Peggy adds: “I love this kid.”
So do I, Peggy. He reflects my spelling philosophy exactly.
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, May 3rd, which is the Fourth Sunday of Easter.
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) John 10:1-18.
Ralph says:
Yes, I know, the lectionary only calls for John 10:11-18.
In the strange logic of the Revised Common Lectionary, the first half of what is clearly a single passage, i.e. verses 1-10, appear in Easter, Year A. And we get this second half a year later. Go figure!
In verses 11-18, Jesus gives an allegorical interpretation of the parable of the Good Shepherd – an interpretation in which each element of the story stands for something, i.e. Jesus is the good shepherd. The believers, the people in the struggling Christian community were the sheep. And by extension, so are you and I.
The big, bad wolf was Rome.
Most of us live in an urban culture and most of the folks listening to this parable have only seen pictures of sheep – usually nice, clean, wooly sheep. Or perhaps sweet little lambs in a petting zoo.
Sheep are ugly ungulates that often look ratty and are pretty stupid. Especially if they are being herded in wild country. They were one of the first animals to be domesticated by humans because they stick together (mostly!) and follow a shepherd blindly.
It raises the question of whether the sheep/shepherd metaphor is still useful. I remember during travels through Ireland, overhearing one articulate North American teenager say to another, “It’s like – everywhere I look there are sheep. It’s like – they grow them here. Or something.”
In his psalm paraphrases, Jim Taylor has tried valiantly to find alternate metaphors. With considerable success.
The sheep/shepherd metaphor doesn’t work for us anymore, because in western European culture (which includes most of the English speaking world) people do not follow leaders blindly. The culture of individualism means that our leaders – in church, society, politics, etc. – are not followed the way sheep follow a shepherd.
And in that disquieting reality, is both a huge problem and a marvelous opportunity.
Jim says –
Okay, okay, I won’t say anything more about carts arriving before the horse has even left the stable. But obviously, I think post-Pentecost stories should come post-Pentecost.
And since Jesus’ speech in John clearly alludes to the earlier imagery of Psalm 23, I’d preach on the original.
In my book “Everyday Psalms,” I offered three different modern paraphrases of Psalm 23. One portrayed God as a mom holding her child’s hand; another visualized God as running a cafe where shoppers could rest and recover; a third took the perspective of an elderly person looking back. I’ve done at least two more – I could probably write one a week for the rest of my life and still not run out of ideas.
Psalm 23 may be the ultimate, universal, psalm. Most people my age can still recite it by heart. It’s often the last biblical reading that dying people request. In six short verses, it encapsulates the antiphonal cadence of Hebrew poetry, presents a sequence of compelling images, and offers the calm assurance of God’s covenant.
I would like to invite people to create their own personal psalms. A simple formula (a) outlines a current concern, (b) explores the potential consequences for good or ill, (c) listens for what God might have to say, and (d) expresses confidence that with God’s comforting presence, all will end well. (For more detailed suggestions on how to write your own psalms, I recommend “Writing the Sacred,” by Ray McGinnis, Northstone Publishing, 2005.)
There’s no reason that psalms have to be limited to ideas and situations from three thousand years ago.
Acts 4:5-12 – There’s a developing body of research to show that memories are malleable. It’s not dishonesty. It’s human nature.
Peter and the others have been asked many times, to tell of what happened when they were hauled up before the Sanhedrin. And in each telling, Peter became slightly more eloquent and courageous. Peter was human.
There’s a story in this passage as well. That story might bring us to reflect on how we would defend our faith if we were called on the carpet.
I know I would be courageous and eloquent in such a situation! Of course I would! I’ve been part of the Christian community for half a century!
But I’ve never been there. I’ve been in a few conversations where being a Christian was a little embarrassing, and so I didn’t mention it. So what makes me think I’d do anything except cower in a corner and tell all the necessary lies if I was ever in a real danger?
Psalm 23 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Few feelings compare with coming home after a succession of hotel rooms, rental cars, and wearying meetings.
It's so good to be home,
to lie down in my own bed, to play my favorite music, to shed the tensions of travel the way water runs off my shoulders in the shower.
Thank you, God. You got me to the right gates in the airports;
You delivered me from dangerous drivers; You kept me from getting lost in the concrete canyons of the city. You gave me courage to face my critics.
You did not desert me. When I was lonely, you found me a friend; When I was weary, you led me to a welcome. The airline didn't lose my bags.
I am at peace. I'd like to live in these familiar walls forever...Come live with me, and let me live with you.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
1 John 3:16-24 – The passage begins with the uncomfortable statement that because Jesus laid down his life for us, we ought to be willing to lay down our lives for others also.
In theory, we’re all willing to do that. In practice, we all have a hierarchy of values. Faith. Family. Job. Friends. Fun. Justice. Integrity. Etc. I remember being part of a study group one time where we were asked to list the things we held dear in our lives. Not too hard. But then we had to arrange them in order of priority.
Pretty uncomfortable.
There’s a children’s version of the 23rd Psalm in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 107 and in Year A on page 105.
There’s a story, “Susanna Has a Good Idea” based on John 10:1-10 in Year A, page 108, and “Sheep and Shepherds,” based on John 10:11-18, in Year B, page 109.
By the way, there’s an index at the back of Year C that lets you look up any passage and go directly to it’s corresponding story.
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Special note – I’ve just received with trembling hands and a lump in my throat, the first sparkling new copy of “The Family Story Bible, Year C.” The words in it are mine, but the look of it is from Margaret Kyle, the illustrator of this series, and she has done a phenomenal job. It is probably the largest, and in terms of art work at least, the best collection of children’s Bible stories ever published.
The tremble and the lump came from realizing that this is probably my last book. Old age is a creepin’ up on me.
The struggles of the main-line churches in Canada resulting in the loss of almost all retail book outlets that carry this kind of publication, has resulted in Wood Lake announcing that it won’t do any more books. Sad, but necessary.
We hope to have the official launch of this three-volume series at the gathering of the United Church of Canada’s General Council which will meet right here in Kelowna, BC, this coming August. For those of you going to that meeting, I hope to see you there. Margaret and I would be delighted to autograph a set for you.
For the rest of you, please go to www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – Right at the moment, my concept of heaven is a place where there are nice, neat, tidy answers to everything. (As you may guess, my vision of heaven changes, depending on what is bugging me at the moment.)
Like old Tevya.
On the one hand, I have been immeasurably blessed by the lives that have touched mine. I've traveled broadly and lived in three different countries and met good folk from just about every religious tradition going. And I would argue strongly that the Spirit is active in their lives – that they are living an authentic spirituality, often far more authentic than my no-name Protestant Christianity.
But, like Tevya – "On the other hand."
My children have very few traditions handed down from us. Bev and I blended (and I guess watered down) our traditions when we married. And our children, like most children in the developed world, blended those traditions with all they saw and heard from the world around them. (I need to add that my daughter Kari and her husband are doing a fine job of developing and growing family traditions.)
My accommodating liberal attitude toward various faith traditions infected my children. So the underlying but unmistakable message they heard was, "It's all relative. None of it is really that important."
As Tevya says, "Because of our traditions, we know who we are, and what God expects us to do."
Our traditions are the metaphors through which we communicate our identity and our faith, especially to young children who see what we do and hardly ever hear what we say. They sense immediately when those traditions rest very lightly on our shoulders. They know whether or not we're ready to go to the wall for them.
Is it possible to be deeply, passionately committed to my own Christian faith and the traditions and actions which carry that forward, without being a bigot? My immediate reaction is to say, "Yes, of course!"
But I'm not sure anymore.
Our traditions, including the traditional way in which we read the Bible, are being challenged on all sides. I’ve been part of that challenge.
But our traditions, including the traditions of the way we read the Bible, are the language through which we express our faith. Not words – it’s how we live and what we do.
Is it possible to have a faith you cannot express except as dry abstractions?
On the one hand, I chop away at those traditions which seem to be dated and useless. On the other hand, I hang on to them for dear life, because they are the vessels through which my faith is expressed.
Without my traditions, I'm not sure who I am, or what God expects me to do.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Random Targets
Ralph Milton and I were having lunch at a table that looked across the practice putting green for a local golf course. The practice green, I should explain, had at least six possible holes for golfers to aim at.
One man placed five balls in the longer grass beyond the edge of the green. Using an iron, he methodically chipped all five onto the green.
We watched as the balls rolled past one hole, past a second hole, and finally stopped between a third and fourth hole.
“How do we know which hole he was aiming at?” I wondered.
“Whichever hole his ball drops into, of course,” replied Ralph.
We laughed.
“Which is pretty much the way we write,” Ralph added thoughtfully.
I recalled that incident the next day, when another friend asked how I come up with ideas for these columns. “Do you have a checklist of topics you plan to write about?” he asked.
Sometimes I do. Sometimes an issue demands my attention. I can’t get it out of my mind until I deal with it.
But more often, there’s a story that insists on being told. I don’t know where it’s going to take me. So I start telling it, and see where we go together.
In a sense, I see what hole the ball eventually drops into, for a reader.
Let me digress a little – like going around a water hazard instead of trying to walk across water. At one time in my freelancing days, I was editing seven different newsletters, mostly for charitable or religious organizations. That meant gathering stories from a vast variety of well-meaning contributors. Some wrote brilliantly; some wrote poorly; some obviously hated writing and wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible.
If those writers shared a common fault, it was this – they saw the text mainly as a means of making a point. So their last line would be, “How blessed we were to have this opportunity to serve!” Or, “We all owe a great debt of gratitude to....” Or, “Thank God who redeemed us from our sins through the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ.”
They could not, or would not, let the story convey its own message. They had to tack on a moral, to make sure we got their intended point.
Which, inevitably, reminds me of an old story about a boy who came home from Sunday school. “We had a new teacher today,” he announced happily.
“Oh?” asked his mother. “What was she like?”
“I really liked her,” said the boy. “She has no morals at all!”
It took some maternal probing to discover that the previous teacher ended every story the same way: “And the moral of this story is...”
Tacking on a moral lesson bored that Sunday school student. My experience tells me that it turns off most adults too.
It tells them that there is only one possible hole for that ball to drop into. Anything else must be wrong.
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Good Stuff – I’ve long felt that the development and nurture of friendships is of central importance in our spiritual journey. In the church, we mostly bring people together to do something or learn something, and we often forget that the primary benefit of such gatherings is friendship.
The implicit message is that friendship is a pleasant by-product, but not important in and of itself. And that’s hurting us, both physically and spiritually. I remember a study published some years ago that claimed loneliness was our most prevalent and dangerous social disease.
Here’s a few paragraphs from a “New York Times” article sent to me by long-time friend Doug Hodgkinson. It’s by Tara Parker-Pope.
“In the quest for better health, many people turn to doctors, self-help books or herbal supplements. But they overlook a powerful weapon that could help them fight illness and depression, speed recovery, slow aging and prolong life: their friends.
“Researchers are only now starting to pay attention to the importance of friendship and social networks in overall health. A 10-year Australian study found that older people with a large circle of friends were 22 percent less likely to die during the study period than those with fewer friends. A large 2007 study showed an increase of nearly 60 percent in the risk for obesity among people whose friends gained weight. And last year, Harvard researchers reported that strong social ties could promote brain health as we age.
“In general, the role of friendship in our lives isn’t terribly well appreciated,” said Rebecca G. Adams, a professor of sociology at the University of North Carolina, Greensboro. “There is just scads of stuff on families and marriage, but very little on friendship. It baffles me. Friendship has a bigger impact on our psychological well-being than family relationships.”
“While many friendship studies focus on the intense relationships of women, some research shows that men can benefit, too. In a six-year study of 736 middle-age Swedish men, attachment to a single person didn’t appear to affect the risk of heart attack and fatal coronary heart disease, but having friendships did. Only smoking was as important a risk factor as lack of social support.”
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – How are bloopers like bananas? They always come in bunches. This week no new ones from you folks, so I go back to the file.
* On our dedication Sunday, the procession in the churchyard will take place in the afternoon. If it rains in the afternoon, the procession will be held in the morning.
* More people are now attending the 11:30 service than used to attend the two services when there was only one.”
* Evensong will be said at 8:00pm, and a sermon preached from Monday till Friday inclusive.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – Let the beauty you love be what you do.
source unknown, via Margaret Wood
It is thy very energy of thought which keeps thee from thy God.
John Henry Newman via Stephani Keer
Money talks – but credit has an echo. Bob Thaves via Evelyn McLachlan
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We Get Letters – Last week, Richard Glover of Waitakere, New Zealand asked, “In the joke research did they list the shortest joke?”
I asked Richard. “Do you know? Does anyone know?”
My friend of many years, Glenn Witmer of Jerusalem, sent a note about our need to laugh at ourselves. “So,” he wisely says, “the shortest joke is: ‘ I’. ”
Janice Minardi of Madison, Wisconsin, writes: “I heard on National Public Radio about a book on how jokes work – sorry I cannot recall either name. The author mentioned that every joke needs a set up and a punch line. His example of the shortest one makes me think of the Muppets Miss Piggy.
"Pretentious?
Moi?"
Linda McMullan’s contribution to the short joke collection is: “What's brown and sticky? A stick.”
The shortest joke idea reminded Paul Hartman of University Place, Washington, of short poems. He writes: “I think [the shortest joke] might be the same as the shortest poem in the world, called ‘Fleas’.”
Adam
Had ‘em.
Paul, I think (I’m doing this from memory, and from way, way back!) that delightful little poem is called, “On the Antiquity of the Microbe” and it’s by Ogden Nash. But Nash’s shortest poem is called, “On the Inexplicability of Human Existence.”
I?
Why?
Jim Taylor writes: “During the [Holy Humour] service this morning (April 19), I used some of Jesus' parabolic exaggerations to suggest that some of them might have left his audiences rolling on the floor at their ridiculousness. Example – picking a speck out of someone else's eye while having a log impeding your own vision.
Another example, making a camel pass through the eye of a needle.
"This is a very large needle," I said, holding up the biggest one Joan could find for me. "Do you think you could manage to squeeze a camel through its eye?"
"Sure," said Emily Samsom. "All I need is a very large blender."
Dave Woehrer of Milwaukee, Wisconsin writes: “The item about the preacher apparently ‘discovering’ some extra scrolls that extend John's Gospel reminded me of this old joke.
“A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." “The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. “How many of you have read Mark 17?’
“Every hand went up. The minister smiled. ‘Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying’."
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “say it a lot!”)
This from Margaret Wood of Sarnia, Ontario. It’s been around before, but it is full of child-like wisdom that doesn’t hurt to absorb once in awhile.
What Love means to 4 to 8-year-old children.
* When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca- age 8
* When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.
Margie - age 4
* Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5
* Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4
* Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.
Bobby - age 7
* If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.
Nikka - age 6
* Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt. Then he wears it everyday.'
Noelle - age 7
*Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6
* During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my grandma waving and smiling..
She was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.
Cindy - age 8
* My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.
Clare - age 6
* You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
Jessica - age 8
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Bottom of the Barrel – In the program for a performance of “The Messiah,” one of the pieces was listed as, “He Shall Putrefy.”
On the way home, a small boy said the song he liked best was, “With Feet Like Sheep.”
His sister liked, “Come for tea, my people.”
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 10:1-18
Reader I: I’m feeling a little sheepish.
Reader II: What are you talking about?
I: Don’t you get it? There’s sheep all over the scripture readings today. The Lord is my shepherd – the story of the good shepherd – do I have to draw you a picture?
II: I get it. It’s pretty lame, but I get it.
I: Come to think of it, why does the Bible talk about sheep all the time? Why not elephants or horses or llamas?
II: Because the Bible arose out of the culture of the Middle East – mostly in Israel. And sheep were a major, huge, part of the culture and the economy. When they ate meat, it was mutton. When they made clothes, it was wool.
I: I hardly ever eat mutton. I like it with mint jelly. And most of my clothes are made of cotton and polyester.
II: Exactly. And there’s another problem. Sheep followed shepherds. No questions asked. We don’t follow anyone blindly like that.
I: Not even Jesus?
II: (SADLY) Not even Jesus.
I: So why don’t we ditch the shepherd stuff and tell stories about – well, cars for instance, and the head honchos of car companies. God is like the President of General Motors.
II: That would generate some discussion, all right. But we don’t need to throw out the Bible stories just because they are full of shepherds. If you listen carefully, you’ll find that these passages still speak to some of our deepest needs.
I: OK. So we’re reading from the Gospel of John, chapter 10.
II: In this whole passage, it is Jesus speaking to his friends.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: Very truly, I tell you, anyone who does not enter the sheepfold by the gate but climbs in by another way is a thief and a bandit. The one who enters by the gate is the shepherd of the sheep.
II: The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep hear his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes ahead of them, and the sheep follow him because they know his voice. They will not follow a stranger, but they will run from him because they do not know the voice of strangers.
I: Very truly, I tell you, I am the gate for the sheep. All who came before me are thieves and bandits; but the sheep did not listen to them.
II: I am the gate. Whoever enters by me will be saved, and will come in and go out and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly."
I: I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand, who is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and runs away – and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. The hired hand runs away because a hired hand does not care for the sheep.
II: I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father. And I lay down my life for the sheep.
I: I have other sheep that do not belong to this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd.
II: For this reason the Father loves me, because I lay down my life in order to take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it up again. I have received this command from my Father.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-04-26
April 26th, 2009
ALL WE LIKE SHEEP
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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You can also find Rumors as a blog. Go to: http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
The Story – a problem and an opportunity
Special Note: about the Lectionary Story Bible
Rumors – on the other hand
Soft Edges – random targets
Good Stuff – the benefits of friendship
Bloopers – just like bananas
We Get Letters – the word’s shortest joke
Mirabile Dictu! – say it a lot
Bottom of the Barrel – with feet like sheep
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 19:1-18
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – Peggy Neufeld sent this.
Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Peggy adds: “I love this kid.”
So do I, Peggy. He reflects my spelling philosophy exactly.
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, May 3rd, which is the Fourth Sunday of Easter.
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) John 10:1-18.
Ralph says:
Yes, I know, the lectionary only calls for John 10:11-18.
In the strange logic of the Revised Common Lectionary, the first half of what is clearly a single passage, i.e. verses 1-10, appear in Easter, Year A. And we get this second half a year later. Go figure!
In verses 11-18, Jesus gives an allegorical interpretation of the parable of the Good Shepherd – an interpretation in which each element of the story stands for something, i.e. Jesus is the good shepherd. The believers, the people in the struggling Christian community were the sheep. And by extension, so are you and I.
The big, bad wolf was Rome.
Most of us live in an urban culture and most of the folks listening to this parable have only seen pictures of sheep – usually nice, clean, wooly sheep. Or perhaps sweet little lambs in a petting zoo.
Sheep are ugly ungulates that often look ratty and are pretty stupid. Especially if they are being herded in wild country. They were one of the first animals to be domesticated by humans because they stick together (mostly!) and follow a shepherd blindly.
It raises the question of whether the sheep/shepherd metaphor is still useful. I remember during travels through Ireland, overhearing one articulate North American teenager say to another, “It’s like – everywhere I look there are sheep. It’s like – they grow them here. Or something.”
In his psalm paraphrases, Jim Taylor has tried valiantly to find alternate metaphors. With considerable success.
The sheep/shepherd metaphor doesn’t work for us anymore, because in western European culture (which includes most of the English speaking world) people do not follow leaders blindly. The culture of individualism means that our leaders – in church, society, politics, etc. – are not followed the way sheep follow a shepherd.
And in that disquieting reality, is both a huge problem and a marvelous opportunity.
Jim says –
Okay, okay, I won’t say anything more about carts arriving before the horse has even left the stable. But obviously, I think post-Pentecost stories should come post-Pentecost.
And since Jesus’ speech in John clearly alludes to the earlier imagery of Psalm 23, I’d preach on the original.
In my book “Everyday Psalms,” I offered three different modern paraphrases of Psalm 23. One portrayed God as a mom holding her child’s hand; another visualized God as running a cafe where shoppers could rest and recover; a third took the perspective of an elderly person looking back. I’ve done at least two more – I could probably write one a week for the rest of my life and still not run out of ideas.
Psalm 23 may be the ultimate, universal, psalm. Most people my age can still recite it by heart. It’s often the last biblical reading that dying people request. In six short verses, it encapsulates the antiphonal cadence of Hebrew poetry, presents a sequence of compelling images, and offers the calm assurance of God’s covenant.
I would like to invite people to create their own personal psalms. A simple formula (a) outlines a current concern, (b) explores the potential consequences for good or ill, (c) listens for what God might have to say, and (d) expresses confidence that with God’s comforting presence, all will end well. (For more detailed suggestions on how to write your own psalms, I recommend “Writing the Sacred,” by Ray McGinnis, Northstone Publishing, 2005.)
There’s no reason that psalms have to be limited to ideas and situations from three thousand years ago.
Acts 4:5-12 – There’s a developing body of research to show that memories are malleable. It’s not dishonesty. It’s human nature.
Peter and the others have been asked many times, to tell of what happened when they were hauled up before the Sanhedrin. And in each telling, Peter became slightly more eloquent and courageous. Peter was human.
There’s a story in this passage as well. That story might bring us to reflect on how we would defend our faith if we were called on the carpet.
I know I would be courageous and eloquent in such a situation! Of course I would! I’ve been part of the Christian community for half a century!
But I’ve never been there. I’ve been in a few conversations where being a Christian was a little embarrassing, and so I didn’t mention it. So what makes me think I’d do anything except cower in a corner and tell all the necessary lies if I was ever in a real danger?
Psalm 23 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Few feelings compare with coming home after a succession of hotel rooms, rental cars, and wearying meetings.
It's so good to be home,
to lie down in my own bed, to play my favorite music, to shed the tensions of travel the way water runs off my shoulders in the shower.
Thank you, God. You got me to the right gates in the airports;
You delivered me from dangerous drivers; You kept me from getting lost in the concrete canyons of the city. You gave me courage to face my critics.
You did not desert me. When I was lonely, you found me a friend; When I was weary, you led me to a welcome. The airline didn't lose my bags.
I am at peace. I'd like to live in these familiar walls forever...Come live with me, and let me live with you.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
1 John 3:16-24 – The passage begins with the uncomfortable statement that because Jesus laid down his life for us, we ought to be willing to lay down our lives for others also.
In theory, we’re all willing to do that. In practice, we all have a hierarchy of values. Faith. Family. Job. Friends. Fun. Justice. Integrity. Etc. I remember being part of a study group one time where we were asked to list the things we held dear in our lives. Not too hard. But then we had to arrange them in order of priority.
Pretty uncomfortable.
There’s a children’s version of the 23rd Psalm in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 107 and in Year A on page 105.
There’s a story, “Susanna Has a Good Idea” based on John 10:1-10 in Year A, page 108, and “Sheep and Shepherds,” based on John 10:11-18, in Year B, page 109.
By the way, there’s an index at the back of Year C that lets you look up any passage and go directly to it’s corresponding story.
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Special note – I’ve just received with trembling hands and a lump in my throat, the first sparkling new copy of “The Family Story Bible, Year C.” The words in it are mine, but the look of it is from Margaret Kyle, the illustrator of this series, and she has done a phenomenal job. It is probably the largest, and in terms of art work at least, the best collection of children’s Bible stories ever published.
The tremble and the lump came from realizing that this is probably my last book. Old age is a creepin’ up on me.
The struggles of the main-line churches in Canada resulting in the loss of almost all retail book outlets that carry this kind of publication, has resulted in Wood Lake announcing that it won’t do any more books. Sad, but necessary.
We hope to have the official launch of this three-volume series at the gathering of the United Church of Canada’s General Council which will meet right here in Kelowna, BC, this coming August. For those of you going to that meeting, I hope to see you there. Margaret and I would be delighted to autograph a set for you.
For the rest of you, please go to www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – Right at the moment, my concept of heaven is a place where there are nice, neat, tidy answers to everything. (As you may guess, my vision of heaven changes, depending on what is bugging me at the moment.)
Like old Tevya.
On the one hand, I have been immeasurably blessed by the lives that have touched mine. I've traveled broadly and lived in three different countries and met good folk from just about every religious tradition going. And I would argue strongly that the Spirit is active in their lives – that they are living an authentic spirituality, often far more authentic than my no-name Protestant Christianity.
But, like Tevya – "On the other hand."
My children have very few traditions handed down from us. Bev and I blended (and I guess watered down) our traditions when we married. And our children, like most children in the developed world, blended those traditions with all they saw and heard from the world around them. (I need to add that my daughter Kari and her husband are doing a fine job of developing and growing family traditions.)
My accommodating liberal attitude toward various faith traditions infected my children. So the underlying but unmistakable message they heard was, "It's all relative. None of it is really that important."
As Tevya says, "Because of our traditions, we know who we are, and what God expects us to do."
Our traditions are the metaphors through which we communicate our identity and our faith, especially to young children who see what we do and hardly ever hear what we say. They sense immediately when those traditions rest very lightly on our shoulders. They know whether or not we're ready to go to the wall for them.
Is it possible to be deeply, passionately committed to my own Christian faith and the traditions and actions which carry that forward, without being a bigot? My immediate reaction is to say, "Yes, of course!"
But I'm not sure anymore.
Our traditions, including the traditional way in which we read the Bible, are being challenged on all sides. I’ve been part of that challenge.
But our traditions, including the traditions of the way we read the Bible, are the language through which we express our faith. Not words – it’s how we live and what we do.
Is it possible to have a faith you cannot express except as dry abstractions?
On the one hand, I chop away at those traditions which seem to be dated and useless. On the other hand, I hang on to them for dear life, because they are the vessels through which my faith is expressed.
Without my traditions, I'm not sure who I am, or what God expects me to do.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Random Targets
Ralph Milton and I were having lunch at a table that looked across the practice putting green for a local golf course. The practice green, I should explain, had at least six possible holes for golfers to aim at.
One man placed five balls in the longer grass beyond the edge of the green. Using an iron, he methodically chipped all five onto the green.
We watched as the balls rolled past one hole, past a second hole, and finally stopped between a third and fourth hole.
“How do we know which hole he was aiming at?” I wondered.
“Whichever hole his ball drops into, of course,” replied Ralph.
We laughed.
“Which is pretty much the way we write,” Ralph added thoughtfully.
I recalled that incident the next day, when another friend asked how I come up with ideas for these columns. “Do you have a checklist of topics you plan to write about?” he asked.
Sometimes I do. Sometimes an issue demands my attention. I can’t get it out of my mind until I deal with it.
But more often, there’s a story that insists on being told. I don’t know where it’s going to take me. So I start telling it, and see where we go together.
In a sense, I see what hole the ball eventually drops into, for a reader.
Let me digress a little – like going around a water hazard instead of trying to walk across water. At one time in my freelancing days, I was editing seven different newsletters, mostly for charitable or religious organizations. That meant gathering stories from a vast variety of well-meaning contributors. Some wrote brilliantly; some wrote poorly; some obviously hated writing and wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible.
If those writers shared a common fault, it was this – they saw the text mainly as a means of making a point. So their last line would be, “How blessed we were to have this opportunity to serve!” Or, “We all owe a great debt of gratitude to....” Or, “Thank God who redeemed us from our sins through the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ.”
They could not, or would not, let the story convey its own message. They had to tack on a moral, to make sure we got their intended point.
Which, inevitably, reminds me of an old story about a boy who came home from Sunday school. “We had a new teacher today,” he announced happily.
“Oh?” asked his mother. “What was she like?”
“I really liked her,” said the boy. “She has no morals at all!”
It took some maternal probing to discover that the previous teacher ended every story the same way: “And the moral of this story is...”
Tacking on a moral lesson bored that Sunday school student. My experience tells me that it turns off most adults too.
It tells them that there is only one possible hole for that ball to drop into. Anything else must be wrong.
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Good Stuff – I’ve long felt that the development and nurture of friendships is of central importance in our spiritual journey. In the church, we mostly bring people together to do something or learn something, and we often forget that the primary benefit of such gatherings is friendship.
The implicit message is that friendship is a pleasant by-product, but not important in and of itself. And that’s hurting us, both physically and spiritually. I remember a study published some years ago that claimed loneliness was our most prevalent and dangerous social disease.
Here’s a few paragraphs from a “New York Times” article sent to me by long-time friend Doug Hodgkinson. It’s by Tara Parker-Pope.
“In the quest for better health, many people turn to doctors, self-help books or herbal supplements. But they overlook a powerful weapon that could help them fight illness and depression, speed recovery, slow aging and prolong life: their friends.
“Researchers are only now starting to pay attention to the importance of friendship and social networks in overall health. A 10-year Australian study found that older people with a large circle of friends were 22 percent less likely to die during the study period than those with fewer friends. A large 2007 study showed an increase of nearly 60 percent in the risk for obesity among people whose friends gained weight. And last year, Harvard researchers reported that strong social ties could promote brain health as we age.
“In general, the role of friendship in our lives isn’t terribly well appreciated,” said Rebecca G. Adams, a professor of sociology at the University of North Carolina, Greensboro. “There is just scads of stuff on families and marriage, but very little on friendship. It baffles me. Friendship has a bigger impact on our psychological well-being than family relationships.”
“While many friendship studies focus on the intense relationships of women, some research shows that men can benefit, too. In a six-year study of 736 middle-age Swedish men, attachment to a single person didn’t appear to affect the risk of heart attack and fatal coronary heart disease, but having friendships did. Only smoking was as important a risk factor as lack of social support.”
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – How are bloopers like bananas? They always come in bunches. This week no new ones from you folks, so I go back to the file.
* On our dedication Sunday, the procession in the churchyard will take place in the afternoon. If it rains in the afternoon, the procession will be held in the morning.
* More people are now attending the 11:30 service than used to attend the two services when there was only one.”
* Evensong will be said at 8:00pm, and a sermon preached from Monday till Friday inclusive.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – Let the beauty you love be what you do.
source unknown, via Margaret Wood
It is thy very energy of thought which keeps thee from thy God.
John Henry Newman via Stephani Keer
Money talks – but credit has an echo. Bob Thaves via Evelyn McLachlan
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We Get Letters – Last week, Richard Glover of Waitakere, New Zealand asked, “In the joke research did they list the shortest joke?”
I asked Richard. “Do you know? Does anyone know?”
My friend of many years, Glenn Witmer of Jerusalem, sent a note about our need to laugh at ourselves. “So,” he wisely says, “the shortest joke is: ‘ I’. ”
Janice Minardi of Madison, Wisconsin, writes: “I heard on National Public Radio about a book on how jokes work – sorry I cannot recall either name. The author mentioned that every joke needs a set up and a punch line. His example of the shortest one makes me think of the Muppets Miss Piggy.
"Pretentious?
Moi?"
Linda McMullan’s contribution to the short joke collection is: “What's brown and sticky? A stick.”
The shortest joke idea reminded Paul Hartman of University Place, Washington, of short poems. He writes: “I think [the shortest joke] might be the same as the shortest poem in the world, called ‘Fleas’.”
Adam
Had ‘em.
Paul, I think (I’m doing this from memory, and from way, way back!) that delightful little poem is called, “On the Antiquity of the Microbe” and it’s by Ogden Nash. But Nash’s shortest poem is called, “On the Inexplicability of Human Existence.”
I?
Why?
Jim Taylor writes: “During the [Holy Humour] service this morning (April 19), I used some of Jesus' parabolic exaggerations to suggest that some of them might have left his audiences rolling on the floor at their ridiculousness. Example – picking a speck out of someone else's eye while having a log impeding your own vision.
Another example, making a camel pass through the eye of a needle.
"This is a very large needle," I said, holding up the biggest one Joan could find for me. "Do you think you could manage to squeeze a camel through its eye?"
"Sure," said Emily Samsom. "All I need is a very large blender."
Dave Woehrer of Milwaukee, Wisconsin writes: “The item about the preacher apparently ‘discovering’ some extra scrolls that extend John's Gospel reminded me of this old joke.
“A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." “The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. “How many of you have read Mark 17?’
“Every hand went up. The minister smiled. ‘Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying’."
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “say it a lot!”)
This from Margaret Wood of Sarnia, Ontario. It’s been around before, but it is full of child-like wisdom that doesn’t hurt to absorb once in awhile.
What Love means to 4 to 8-year-old children.
* When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca- age 8
* When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.
Margie - age 4
* Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5
* Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4
* Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.
Bobby - age 7
* If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.
Nikka - age 6
* Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt. Then he wears it everyday.'
Noelle - age 7
*Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6
* During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my grandma waving and smiling..
She was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.
Cindy - age 8
* My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.
Clare - age 6
* You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
Jessica - age 8
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Bottom of the Barrel – In the program for a performance of “The Messiah,” one of the pieces was listed as, “He Shall Putrefy.”
On the way home, a small boy said the song he liked best was, “With Feet Like Sheep.”
His sister liked, “Come for tea, my people.”
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 10:1-18
Reader I: I’m feeling a little sheepish.
Reader II: What are you talking about?
I: Don’t you get it? There’s sheep all over the scripture readings today. The Lord is my shepherd – the story of the good shepherd – do I have to draw you a picture?
II: I get it. It’s pretty lame, but I get it.
I: Come to think of it, why does the Bible talk about sheep all the time? Why not elephants or horses or llamas?
II: Because the Bible arose out of the culture of the Middle East – mostly in Israel. And sheep were a major, huge, part of the culture and the economy. When they ate meat, it was mutton. When they made clothes, it was wool.
I: I hardly ever eat mutton. I like it with mint jelly. And most of my clothes are made of cotton and polyester.
II: Exactly. And there’s another problem. Sheep followed shepherds. No questions asked. We don’t follow anyone blindly like that.
I: Not even Jesus?
II: (SADLY) Not even Jesus.
I: So why don’t we ditch the shepherd stuff and tell stories about – well, cars for instance, and the head honchos of car companies. God is like the President of General Motors.
II: That would generate some discussion, all right. But we don’t need to throw out the Bible stories just because they are full of shepherds. If you listen carefully, you’ll find that these passages still speak to some of our deepest needs.
I: OK. So we’re reading from the Gospel of John, chapter 10.
II: In this whole passage, it is Jesus speaking to his friends.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: Very truly, I tell you, anyone who does not enter the sheepfold by the gate but climbs in by another way is a thief and a bandit. The one who enters by the gate is the shepherd of the sheep.
II: The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep hear his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes ahead of them, and the sheep follow him because they know his voice. They will not follow a stranger, but they will run from him because they do not know the voice of strangers.
I: Very truly, I tell you, I am the gate for the sheep. All who came before me are thieves and bandits; but the sheep did not listen to them.
II: I am the gate. Whoever enters by me will be saved, and will come in and go out and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly."
I: I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand, who is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and runs away – and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. The hired hand runs away because a hired hand does not care for the sheep.
II: I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father. And I lay down my life for the sheep.
I: I have other sheep that do not belong to this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd.
II: For this reason the Father loves me, because I lay down my life in order to take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it up again. I have received this command from my Father.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Preaching Materials for April 26th, 2009
R U M O R S # 549
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-04-19
April 19, 2009
LIVE INSIDE THE STORY
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.
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The Story – cowering behind locked doors
Rumors – memories of death
Soft Edges – worshipping power
Bloopers – plagues in the narthex
We Get Letters – the best response
Mirabile Dictu! – a little salt
Bottom of the Barrel – climbing the ladder
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 24:36b-48
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – The new bishop had just been enthroned, and the media were hoping for a juicy quote.
“What does it feel like to be a bishop in this diocese?” one reporter asked.
“I feel like a mosquito in a nudist camp,” said the bishop. “I know what to do, but I don’t know where to start.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, April 26th, which is the Third Sunday of Easter. (Yes, I know I said that last week. Sorry!).
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) Luke 24:36b-48
Ralph says –
It was perfectly clear. The facts were there staring them in the face.
The disciples had seen the horror of Jesus’ crucifixion. They had seen his corpse. They understood the finality of the stone rolled across the gaping, black mouth of the tomb.
There was nothing left to do but face up to reality and get on with life. One step at a time. One day at a time. Nothing but raw, bloody-minded, cold-as-steel determination to keep you going. If you can’t find that strength within yourself, you’re toast.
I am not prepared to argue with anyone about whether those disciples saw Jesus that day. Did he really eat that piece of fish? Did they really converse with him? Isn’t it true that in the depth of grief the human imagination soars, and we see and experience all sorts of weird and wonderful things?
I do know this. The story of a resurrected Christ – the cosmic Christ – the real presence of God among us – this fable, legend, myth or whatever you choose to call it – this graceful presence has rescued me from the depths of grief when there was nothing inside myself to help me stand and walk again.
In the ordinary times of life, in the day-by-day living, that presence offers a comfortable sense of purpose – a gentle, firm nudge toward a life of love in action. With forgiveness, over and over again when I fall short of my own standards, and firm, parental pushes to get me back in there and do better.
And the moments of high joy. Many of them. At many points in my life. The last one being in the combined choir of two congregations singing an Easter Cantata – it was one of those moments when everything came together and we sang with one voice! Shouting! Celebrating! Praising!
So I will live inside that story. I’m just not tough enough to handle the alternative.
Jim says –
Forgive me another rant about the lectionary, please. Here we are with five weeks to go until Pentecost, but the Acts passage is from Peter’s speech _after_ Pentecost! No wonder casual attenders get confused!
Obviously, I would skip the Acts reading, and concentrate on Luke.
Here’s another resurrection appearance, probably again in the Upper Room, probably again behind locked doors. And again Jesus offers them physical evidence that he is who he says he is. He shows them his wounded hands and feet. Luke adds a further corroborating detail – Jesus eats some fish.
A congregation I belonged to for 25 years traditionally held a post-Easter communion of bread and fish. The centre of the communion table was occupied by a large, whole, baked fish, from which worshippers broke off pieces to eat.
So I would talk about how we ritualize events, in the hope of capturing and containing their holiness. Earlier generations did the same by building churches on top of every conceivable holy site. When I visited the "Holy Land" back in the 1970s, I got really tired of having every place where I could "walk where Jesus walked" covered over with some kind of church. But future generations may be as scornful of our liturgical rituals as we are of our predecessors’ edifice complex.
And I would ask how we truly maintain the spirit of Jesus. Is it by memorializing his presence in a ritual? Or erecting a building in his honor? Or by living his presence in our lives?
Acts 3:12-19 – Don’t begin at verse 12. It says, “When Peter saw it. . .” Saw what?
Start at the beginning of the chapter to get the story. And then note Peter’s speech. He’s really saying the same thing I was saying above.
You have the facts. Those who limit themselves to facts are emotional super-heroes. Or they are emotionally dead. For the rest of us mortals, there’s the power in the story – the story of a Christ that lives and moves among us.
Psalm 4 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Meeting Jesus Again and Again
Hotel rooms are cold and impersonal, compared to staying in the home of a friend.
1 In the middle of the night, Lord, I wake.
This room is strange; I can't find the light; I can't find the door.
The hall is long and dark.
2 I am afraid.
4 But this is your house, God.
I was a stranger, and you took me in.
I was alone, and you made me welcome.
4 In your house, I have nothing to fear.
I can sink back into my bed and set my mind at rest.
5 I put myself in your hands. I trust you.
6 Am I crazy? Am I a fool?
Some would say so. They doubt you.
7 But I know the peace I felt when you opened your door
and the warmth when you invited me to share your table.
8 I can let my eyes close.
In your home, I am at home.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
1 John 3:1-7 – The passage begins with an incredulous cry. Who could believe this? “God’s love for us is so great that we are called God’s children – and so in fact we are!”
The secular world gives a token nod to God’s existence, but then goes on with its actions to show that it sees this kind of a “maybe god” to be pretty much disinterested in what’s going on.
But the Jesus story reminds us that we are God’s children. The story of Jesus shows us a God who loves us like the very best parent we can imagine.
For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 105. There you’ll see a story based on the passage from Luke.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – Stories about the disciples after the judicial murder of Jesus often find me back, reliving the moments when someone I loved had died. This time, it took me back to the death of my nephew Jay.
Years of working in the church – years of Bible study groups – years of reading all kinds of helpful books – none of that did a bit of good.
I was standing with my sister at the bedside of her son as he died from cancer. Such a short time before, he had been playing basketball. A tall, cheerful, bright young man. And here, a skeleton covered in skin and sores was dying. It made no sense and I could feel only one emotion. Anger.
My nephew had sung for years in the boy’s choir at his church. And so to his deathbed, we had called his priest, his friend and pastor. And as the priest came to his bed, I thought, "Please, don't try to be helpful. Don't try to make it right. Because, by God, it is wrong! Please don't say anything helpful."
The man was priest but also friend. He was mourning too. Perhaps angry. And he did exactly what should be done at such times of anger and pain – he took his little book and in it found the words we needed. Not little saccharin pieties, but the huge, soul-shaking lamentations of the Psalms. With passion and anger in his voice that reflected the passion and anger in our hearts, he cried to God those vast, eternal, unanswerable questions. He threw at God the anger of our souls. He brought to God the terror in our hearts.
And the words he spoke brought peace. Not resolution. Not answers. But peace. A sense that we were part of a community that had known these things before. We were not alone. We were not the first to shout our anger and despair to God.
For that moment, it was enough. It took many quiet, sometimes tearful conversations, many prayers, many caring friends and time – time to heal the wounds and make life possible again.
The "why" was never really answered. Nor could it be.
But God came into my pain to offer hope and healing.
It was enough.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Worshipping Power
The Sunday before Easter, the first day that really felt like spring after a very long winter, I took the dog for a walk in the woods. I wanted to enjoy nature, coming back to life again.
I almost expected to hear echoes of Julie Andrews, warbling, “The hills are alive...”
The hills were alive, all right. But not with music. Unless the unmuffled cacophony of knobbly-tired motorcycles expressing their contempt for the natural world sounds like music to your ears. It doesn’t to mine.
To be fair to the riders, they slowed down near pedestrians – me.
The guys who ride these things tell me that they like them because they can get away from urban congestion and enjoy nature.
If they’re enjoying anything, it’s not nature. It’s power.
Power to zigzag on the thin edge of disaster through forests at speeds that would make a snowboarder blanche. Power to storm up steep slopes while squirting showers of dirt and gravel out behind. Power on tap at the twist of a throttle.
They worship power. But they may be more honest about what they worship than those who attended church that morning.
“Power,” Henry Kissinger once said, “is the ultimate aphrodisiac.”
High school history classes were all about power. History consisted of an endless succession of wars. Of coups and invasions. Of palace intrigues and betrayals. It was all about seizing power, holding power, or gaining more power.
The institutional church was no exception. In her book “With or Without God,” Gretta Vospers makes a repeated point – the history of the church is about power. Some people, determining that they had the power to control what other people could think, or believe, or do.
So the Marcionites, the Gnostics, the Arians all came out losers in ecclesiastical power politics. St. Augustine (of Hippo, not of Canterbury) ruthlessly purged his Donatist opponents.
Even in the Bible itself, most of the Old Testament celebrates the growing power of a group of migrants who settled along the eastern shore of the Mediterranean. With God’s help, they claimed, they dislodged the existing inhabitants.
God’s on our side, the scriptures exult. If we can’t overpower you ourselves, God’ll get you instead.
That mindset didn’t change until the Exile. When God didn’t get the Babylonians.
Jesus changed the equation. If he was who he said he was, if he was who his disciples claimed he was, he need not have died on a cross. He could have saved himself. He could have driven out the Romans. He could have rained fire on his opponents. He didn’t.
Instead, he rode into Jerusalem on a donkey, a humble beast that epitomizes poverty and helplessness everywhere. He let himself be executed.
I wish I could promise to renounce power too. I can’t. Even if I refused to use physical power – pretty easy for a 72-year-old to promise – I would still want to use my mind, my words, to influence others. That’s a form of power.
Power is very hard to renounce.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Katharine Edmonstone writes: “We have been using your Readers Theatre with great success.
“Easter Sunday, everything was going very well with the three articulate speakers, good projection, dramatic emphasis and Mary Magdalene is speaking to the man she thought was the gardener. He calls ‘Mary’ and she, very dramatically, responds ‘Rabbit!!!!’”
David Shearman ran across this in an annual report of a church. "Thanks was given to George Smith for obtaining plagues and having them placed in the narthex.”
Margaret Gillikin of Salida, Colorado writes: “Apparently, the preacher for our ecumenical Good Friday service discovered some extra scrolls at Qumran or somewhere! Our Gospel reading was from John 23.”
Yes, I had to look it up too. There are only 21 chapters in John.
April Dailey, who is with (I love this name) Crooked Creek Cooperative Lutheran Ministries in Ford City, Pennsylvania apparently almost wished people “Happy Eater” last week.
April, you should never let proof-readers get their hands on bulletins and newsletters. They clean out all the best stuff.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – You can't change the wind, but you can change your sail.
source unknown, via my niece, Shannon Austman
The secret of success is constancy to purpose.
Ben Franklin via Mary in Oman
The ultimate result of shielding people from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
Herbert Spencer via John Severson
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We Get Letters – Here’s a good example of how laughter is the best response to the small blips of life.
Last week in Rumors, you read: “Bernice Whaley writes: ‘At five minutes and six seconds after 4 in the morning on the 8th of July this year, the time and date will be 04:05:06 07/08/09.
‘This will never happen again.’"
David Pickering of Roundhay, England writes: “Unless of course you live in England when at five minutes and six seconds after four in the morning on 7th August this year the time and date will be: 04:05:06 07/08/09.’
“And it will happen all over again next century!”
Richard Glover of Waitakere, New Zealand writes: “04.05.06.07.08.09 occurs on 7th of August in our neck of the woods.”
Pat Jones of Smithers, BC writes: “Only in the States. For me, this will be on 7th of August.”
David Powers of Cape Cod, Massachusetts writes: “But it will happen again, and soon. In most countries the date is given as day-month-year. So the 7th of August will be 07/08/09. And it will happen – twice yearly – in 2109, 2209, etc.”
Barry Kreider writes: “I'm wondering if Bernice knows something the rest of us do not? I'm also wondering whether some were saying the same thing back in 1909.”
Stop! The above were followed by a virtual torrent. Well, at least a dozen. So enough, already.
Poor Bernice. You thought you were simply sharing an interesting observation, and it started a small landslide. Go pour yourself a cup of something, then sit down and enjoy a chuckle or two. You managed to rouse half the world!
Mary Louise Killam writes: “I am afraid I have to once again tell you how jarring I find your spelling of such words as rumour – particularly on this Holy Humour Sunday. I realize you are too stubborn to change but I wish to register my dissent with your choice.”
You’re quite right about my stubbornness, Mary Louise. Many (probably most) of my Canadian friends think my spelling of “Rumors” is a sell-out to American cultural dominance. You will notice, for instance, that Jim Taylor uses those British spellings in his essays. We disagree about many things, but we are still very close friends.
So if it’s not too much of a yawn, please allow me my annual explanation of why I do this.
Words like “colour” and “rumour” came into English with the Norman French in 1066. The idea of standardized spelling only took hold with the advent of the printing press after the 15th century, and by that time, most of the French import words ending with the “oor” sound were now pronounced “er” or “or”. So that’s how they were spelled. But there were a few that took on the French spelling that is now so dear to our hearts. Noah Webster decided to finish the job when he published the first American dictionary in 1828. I simply think he made a good, sensible choice, and so I follow his lead. I only wish he’d done a lot more of it.
I am intensely proud of my Canadian heritage and I struggle to defend that in many ways. Part of that heritage grew out of the struggles of settlement in the harsh climate of the Canadian west. It’s a kind of a flat-footed, do-whatever-makes-sense, approach to life.
So when people in other countries do things that make good sense, why not follow?
Richard Glover of Waitakere, New Zealand asks, “In the joke research did they list the shortest joke?”
I have no idea Richard. Do you know? Does anyone know?
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “a little salt!”)
If you are the artistic type, here’s some ideas for a few fine, spiritual pictures. Along with the captions.
* The Israelites are looking at Moses coming down from Mt. Sinai carrying the Ten Commandments. One says to the other, “Our headaches are over – here comes Moses with the tablets!”
* The Israelites are looking at Moses with his arms raised and the Red Sea parted. One is saying to Moses, “But we’ll get our feet all muddy!”
* Sodom and Gomorrah are being destroyed in the background. A small group of people is walking away from the scene. The old man who appears to be the leader of the group is carrying a white statue of a woman on his shoulder. He says to the children, “Oh well, a man can always use a little salt!”
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Bottom of the Barrel – A Catholic priest and a Rabbi were talking about the possibilities of promotion in the Roman Catholic Church.
“If a man works hard,” said the priest, “he can eventually become a bishop and maybe even a cardinal.”
“Is that as far as he can go?” asked the rabbi.
“No,” said the priest. “Who knows, he might become the pope.”
“And that’s the top?” asked the rabbi.
“Well, beyond the pope there is only Jesus Christ, and of course nobody can become Jesus.”
“Why not?” said the rabbi. “One of our boys made it.”
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 24:36b-48
Reader I: I wish they wouldn’t do this?
Reader II: Who? Do what?
I: The people who pick out these Bible passages for us to read. They begin in the middle of a story.
II: I still don’t know what you’re annoyed about.
I: The first verse of this passage from the gospel of Luke. It begins, “While they were talking about this…” What was it they were talking about?
II: Gotcha.
The disciples were talking about that experience of Jesus on the road to Emmaus. Two of them were walking along the road. They were feeling pretty down because Jesus had died. And suddenly there was a man walking with them who explained everything.
The disciples had no idea who he was. But when they got to Emmaus, they invited him in for a bit of lunch. When this mysterious stranger picked up a loaf of bread, and broke it, they all recognized him. It was Jesus. They remembered how Jesus had broken the bread for them at the last meal they had together, when they celebrated the Passover.
I: Now I get it. So let’s read the passage. The gospel of Luke. Chapter 24.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
While they were talking about this, Jesus himself stood among them.
II: "Peace be with you."
I: They were startled and terrified, and thought that they were seeing a ghost.
II: "Why are you frightened, and why do doubts arise in your hearts? Look at my hands and my feet. See that it is I myself. Touch me and see. A ghost does not have flesh and bones as you see that I have."
I: When Jesus had said this, he showed them his hands and his feet. But even in their joy they were disbelieving and still wondering.
II: "Have you anything here to eat?"
I: They gave him a piece of broiled fish, and he took it and ate in their presence.
II: "These are my words that I spoke to you while I was still with you – that everything written about me in the law of Moses, the prophets, and the psalms must be fulfilled."
I: Then he opened their minds to understand the scriptures.
II: "Thus it is written, that the Messiah is to suffer and to rise from the dead on the third day, and that repentance and forgiveness of sins is to be proclaimed in my name to all nations, beginning from Jerusalem. You are witnesses of these things.”
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: That was a reading from Luke’s Gospel.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-04-19
April 19, 2009
LIVE INSIDE THE STORY
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there. And if you need back issues, that’s where to find ‘em.
Thanks.
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The Story – cowering behind locked doors
Rumors – memories of death
Soft Edges – worshipping power
Bloopers – plagues in the narthex
We Get Letters – the best response
Mirabile Dictu! – a little salt
Bottom of the Barrel – climbing the ladder
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 24:36b-48
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – The new bishop had just been enthroned, and the media were hoping for a juicy quote.
“What does it feel like to be a bishop in this diocese?” one reporter asked.
“I feel like a mosquito in a nudist camp,” said the bishop. “I know what to do, but I don’t know where to start.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, April 26th, which is the Third Sunday of Easter. (Yes, I know I said that last week. Sorry!).
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) Luke 24:36b-48
Ralph says –
It was perfectly clear. The facts were there staring them in the face.
The disciples had seen the horror of Jesus’ crucifixion. They had seen his corpse. They understood the finality of the stone rolled across the gaping, black mouth of the tomb.
There was nothing left to do but face up to reality and get on with life. One step at a time. One day at a time. Nothing but raw, bloody-minded, cold-as-steel determination to keep you going. If you can’t find that strength within yourself, you’re toast.
I am not prepared to argue with anyone about whether those disciples saw Jesus that day. Did he really eat that piece of fish? Did they really converse with him? Isn’t it true that in the depth of grief the human imagination soars, and we see and experience all sorts of weird and wonderful things?
I do know this. The story of a resurrected Christ – the cosmic Christ – the real presence of God among us – this fable, legend, myth or whatever you choose to call it – this graceful presence has rescued me from the depths of grief when there was nothing inside myself to help me stand and walk again.
In the ordinary times of life, in the day-by-day living, that presence offers a comfortable sense of purpose – a gentle, firm nudge toward a life of love in action. With forgiveness, over and over again when I fall short of my own standards, and firm, parental pushes to get me back in there and do better.
And the moments of high joy. Many of them. At many points in my life. The last one being in the combined choir of two congregations singing an Easter Cantata – it was one of those moments when everything came together and we sang with one voice! Shouting! Celebrating! Praising!
So I will live inside that story. I’m just not tough enough to handle the alternative.
Jim says –
Forgive me another rant about the lectionary, please. Here we are with five weeks to go until Pentecost, but the Acts passage is from Peter’s speech _after_ Pentecost! No wonder casual attenders get confused!
Obviously, I would skip the Acts reading, and concentrate on Luke.
Here’s another resurrection appearance, probably again in the Upper Room, probably again behind locked doors. And again Jesus offers them physical evidence that he is who he says he is. He shows them his wounded hands and feet. Luke adds a further corroborating detail – Jesus eats some fish.
A congregation I belonged to for 25 years traditionally held a post-Easter communion of bread and fish. The centre of the communion table was occupied by a large, whole, baked fish, from which worshippers broke off pieces to eat.
So I would talk about how we ritualize events, in the hope of capturing and containing their holiness. Earlier generations did the same by building churches on top of every conceivable holy site. When I visited the "Holy Land" back in the 1970s, I got really tired of having every place where I could "walk where Jesus walked" covered over with some kind of church. But future generations may be as scornful of our liturgical rituals as we are of our predecessors’ edifice complex.
And I would ask how we truly maintain the spirit of Jesus. Is it by memorializing his presence in a ritual? Or erecting a building in his honor? Or by living his presence in our lives?
Acts 3:12-19 – Don’t begin at verse 12. It says, “When Peter saw it. . .” Saw what?
Start at the beginning of the chapter to get the story. And then note Peter’s speech. He’s really saying the same thing I was saying above.
You have the facts. Those who limit themselves to facts are emotional super-heroes. Or they are emotionally dead. For the rest of us mortals, there’s the power in the story – the story of a Christ that lives and moves among us.
Psalm 4 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Meeting Jesus Again and Again
Hotel rooms are cold and impersonal, compared to staying in the home of a friend.
1 In the middle of the night, Lord, I wake.
This room is strange; I can't find the light; I can't find the door.
The hall is long and dark.
2 I am afraid.
4 But this is your house, God.
I was a stranger, and you took me in.
I was alone, and you made me welcome.
4 In your house, I have nothing to fear.
I can sink back into my bed and set my mind at rest.
5 I put myself in your hands. I trust you.
6 Am I crazy? Am I a fool?
Some would say so. They doubt you.
7 But I know the peace I felt when you opened your door
and the warmth when you invited me to share your table.
8 I can let my eyes close.
In your home, I am at home.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
1 John 3:1-7 – The passage begins with an incredulous cry. Who could believe this? “God’s love for us is so great that we are called God’s children – and so in fact we are!”
The secular world gives a token nod to God’s existence, but then goes on with its actions to show that it sees this kind of a “maybe god” to be pretty much disinterested in what’s going on.
But the Jesus story reminds us that we are God’s children. The story of Jesus shows us a God who loves us like the very best parent we can imagine.
For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 105. There you’ll see a story based on the passage from Luke.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – Stories about the disciples after the judicial murder of Jesus often find me back, reliving the moments when someone I loved had died. This time, it took me back to the death of my nephew Jay.
Years of working in the church – years of Bible study groups – years of reading all kinds of helpful books – none of that did a bit of good.
I was standing with my sister at the bedside of her son as he died from cancer. Such a short time before, he had been playing basketball. A tall, cheerful, bright young man. And here, a skeleton covered in skin and sores was dying. It made no sense and I could feel only one emotion. Anger.
My nephew had sung for years in the boy’s choir at his church. And so to his deathbed, we had called his priest, his friend and pastor. And as the priest came to his bed, I thought, "Please, don't try to be helpful. Don't try to make it right. Because, by God, it is wrong! Please don't say anything helpful."
The man was priest but also friend. He was mourning too. Perhaps angry. And he did exactly what should be done at such times of anger and pain – he took his little book and in it found the words we needed. Not little saccharin pieties, but the huge, soul-shaking lamentations of the Psalms. With passion and anger in his voice that reflected the passion and anger in our hearts, he cried to God those vast, eternal, unanswerable questions. He threw at God the anger of our souls. He brought to God the terror in our hearts.
And the words he spoke brought peace. Not resolution. Not answers. But peace. A sense that we were part of a community that had known these things before. We were not alone. We were not the first to shout our anger and despair to God.
For that moment, it was enough. It took many quiet, sometimes tearful conversations, many prayers, many caring friends and time – time to heal the wounds and make life possible again.
The "why" was never really answered. Nor could it be.
But God came into my pain to offer hope and healing.
It was enough.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Worshipping Power
The Sunday before Easter, the first day that really felt like spring after a very long winter, I took the dog for a walk in the woods. I wanted to enjoy nature, coming back to life again.
I almost expected to hear echoes of Julie Andrews, warbling, “The hills are alive...”
The hills were alive, all right. But not with music. Unless the unmuffled cacophony of knobbly-tired motorcycles expressing their contempt for the natural world sounds like music to your ears. It doesn’t to mine.
To be fair to the riders, they slowed down near pedestrians – me.
The guys who ride these things tell me that they like them because they can get away from urban congestion and enjoy nature.
If they’re enjoying anything, it’s not nature. It’s power.
Power to zigzag on the thin edge of disaster through forests at speeds that would make a snowboarder blanche. Power to storm up steep slopes while squirting showers of dirt and gravel out behind. Power on tap at the twist of a throttle.
They worship power. But they may be more honest about what they worship than those who attended church that morning.
“Power,” Henry Kissinger once said, “is the ultimate aphrodisiac.”
High school history classes were all about power. History consisted of an endless succession of wars. Of coups and invasions. Of palace intrigues and betrayals. It was all about seizing power, holding power, or gaining more power.
The institutional church was no exception. In her book “With or Without God,” Gretta Vospers makes a repeated point – the history of the church is about power. Some people, determining that they had the power to control what other people could think, or believe, or do.
So the Marcionites, the Gnostics, the Arians all came out losers in ecclesiastical power politics. St. Augustine (of Hippo, not of Canterbury) ruthlessly purged his Donatist opponents.
Even in the Bible itself, most of the Old Testament celebrates the growing power of a group of migrants who settled along the eastern shore of the Mediterranean. With God’s help, they claimed, they dislodged the existing inhabitants.
God’s on our side, the scriptures exult. If we can’t overpower you ourselves, God’ll get you instead.
That mindset didn’t change until the Exile. When God didn’t get the Babylonians.
Jesus changed the equation. If he was who he said he was, if he was who his disciples claimed he was, he need not have died on a cross. He could have saved himself. He could have driven out the Romans. He could have rained fire on his opponents. He didn’t.
Instead, he rode into Jerusalem on a donkey, a humble beast that epitomizes poverty and helplessness everywhere. He let himself be executed.
I wish I could promise to renounce power too. I can’t. Even if I refused to use physical power – pretty easy for a 72-year-old to promise – I would still want to use my mind, my words, to influence others. That’s a form of power.
Power is very hard to renounce.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Katharine Edmonstone writes: “We have been using your Readers Theatre with great success.
“Easter Sunday, everything was going very well with the three articulate speakers, good projection, dramatic emphasis and Mary Magdalene is speaking to the man she thought was the gardener. He calls ‘Mary’ and she, very dramatically, responds ‘Rabbit!!!!’”
David Shearman ran across this in an annual report of a church. "Thanks was given to George Smith for obtaining plagues and having them placed in the narthex.”
Margaret Gillikin of Salida, Colorado writes: “Apparently, the preacher for our ecumenical Good Friday service discovered some extra scrolls at Qumran or somewhere! Our Gospel reading was from John 23.”
Yes, I had to look it up too. There are only 21 chapters in John.
April Dailey, who is with (I love this name) Crooked Creek Cooperative Lutheran Ministries in Ford City, Pennsylvania apparently almost wished people “Happy Eater” last week.
April, you should never let proof-readers get their hands on bulletins and newsletters. They clean out all the best stuff.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – You can't change the wind, but you can change your sail.
source unknown, via my niece, Shannon Austman
The secret of success is constancy to purpose.
Ben Franklin via Mary in Oman
The ultimate result of shielding people from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
Herbert Spencer via John Severson
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We Get Letters – Here’s a good example of how laughter is the best response to the small blips of life.
Last week in Rumors, you read: “Bernice Whaley writes: ‘At five minutes and six seconds after 4 in the morning on the 8th of July this year, the time and date will be 04:05:06 07/08/09.
‘This will never happen again.’"
David Pickering of Roundhay, England writes: “Unless of course you live in England when at five minutes and six seconds after four in the morning on 7th August this year the time and date will be: 04:05:06 07/08/09.’
“And it will happen all over again next century!”
Richard Glover of Waitakere, New Zealand writes: “04.05.06.07.08.09 occurs on 7th of August in our neck of the woods.”
Pat Jones of Smithers, BC writes: “Only in the States. For me, this will be on 7th of August.”
David Powers of Cape Cod, Massachusetts writes: “But it will happen again, and soon. In most countries the date is given as day-month-year. So the 7th of August will be 07/08/09. And it will happen – twice yearly – in 2109, 2209, etc.”
Barry Kreider writes: “I'm wondering if Bernice knows something the rest of us do not? I'm also wondering whether some were saying the same thing back in 1909.”
Stop! The above were followed by a virtual torrent. Well, at least a dozen. So enough, already.
Poor Bernice. You thought you were simply sharing an interesting observation, and it started a small landslide. Go pour yourself a cup of something, then sit down and enjoy a chuckle or two. You managed to rouse half the world!
Mary Louise Killam writes: “I am afraid I have to once again tell you how jarring I find your spelling of such words as rumour – particularly on this Holy Humour Sunday. I realize you are too stubborn to change but I wish to register my dissent with your choice.”
You’re quite right about my stubbornness, Mary Louise. Many (probably most) of my Canadian friends think my spelling of “Rumors” is a sell-out to American cultural dominance. You will notice, for instance, that Jim Taylor uses those British spellings in his essays. We disagree about many things, but we are still very close friends.
So if it’s not too much of a yawn, please allow me my annual explanation of why I do this.
Words like “colour” and “rumour” came into English with the Norman French in 1066. The idea of standardized spelling only took hold with the advent of the printing press after the 15th century, and by that time, most of the French import words ending with the “oor” sound were now pronounced “er” or “or”. So that’s how they were spelled. But there were a few that took on the French spelling that is now so dear to our hearts. Noah Webster decided to finish the job when he published the first American dictionary in 1828. I simply think he made a good, sensible choice, and so I follow his lead. I only wish he’d done a lot more of it.
I am intensely proud of my Canadian heritage and I struggle to defend that in many ways. Part of that heritage grew out of the struggles of settlement in the harsh climate of the Canadian west. It’s a kind of a flat-footed, do-whatever-makes-sense, approach to life.
So when people in other countries do things that make good sense, why not follow?
Richard Glover of Waitakere, New Zealand asks, “In the joke research did they list the shortest joke?”
I have no idea Richard. Do you know? Does anyone know?
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “a little salt!”)
If you are the artistic type, here’s some ideas for a few fine, spiritual pictures. Along with the captions.
* The Israelites are looking at Moses coming down from Mt. Sinai carrying the Ten Commandments. One says to the other, “Our headaches are over – here comes Moses with the tablets!”
* The Israelites are looking at Moses with his arms raised and the Red Sea parted. One is saying to Moses, “But we’ll get our feet all muddy!”
* Sodom and Gomorrah are being destroyed in the background. A small group of people is walking away from the scene. The old man who appears to be the leader of the group is carrying a white statue of a woman on his shoulder. He says to the children, “Oh well, a man can always use a little salt!”
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Bottom of the Barrel – A Catholic priest and a Rabbi were talking about the possibilities of promotion in the Roman Catholic Church.
“If a man works hard,” said the priest, “he can eventually become a bishop and maybe even a cardinal.”
“Is that as far as he can go?” asked the rabbi.
“No,” said the priest. “Who knows, he might become the pope.”
“And that’s the top?” asked the rabbi.
“Well, beyond the pope there is only Jesus Christ, and of course nobody can become Jesus.”
“Why not?” said the rabbi. “One of our boys made it.”
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 24:36b-48
Reader I: I wish they wouldn’t do this?
Reader II: Who? Do what?
I: The people who pick out these Bible passages for us to read. They begin in the middle of a story.
II: I still don’t know what you’re annoyed about.
I: The first verse of this passage from the gospel of Luke. It begins, “While they were talking about this…” What was it they were talking about?
II: Gotcha.
The disciples were talking about that experience of Jesus on the road to Emmaus. Two of them were walking along the road. They were feeling pretty down because Jesus had died. And suddenly there was a man walking with them who explained everything.
The disciples had no idea who he was. But when they got to Emmaus, they invited him in for a bit of lunch. When this mysterious stranger picked up a loaf of bread, and broke it, they all recognized him. It was Jesus. They remembered how Jesus had broken the bread for them at the last meal they had together, when they celebrated the Passover.
I: Now I get it. So let’s read the passage. The gospel of Luke. Chapter 24.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
While they were talking about this, Jesus himself stood among them.
II: "Peace be with you."
I: They were startled and terrified, and thought that they were seeing a ghost.
II: "Why are you frightened, and why do doubts arise in your hearts? Look at my hands and my feet. See that it is I myself. Touch me and see. A ghost does not have flesh and bones as you see that I have."
I: When Jesus had said this, he showed them his hands and his feet. But even in their joy they were disbelieving and still wondering.
II: "Have you anything here to eat?"
I: They gave him a piece of broiled fish, and he took it and ate in their presence.
II: "These are my words that I spoke to you while I was still with you – that everything written about me in the law of Moses, the prophets, and the psalms must be fulfilled."
I: Then he opened their minds to understand the scriptures.
II: "Thus it is written, that the Messiah is to suffer and to rise from the dead on the third day, and that repentance and forgiveness of sins is to be proclaimed in my name to all nations, beginning from Jerusalem. You are witnesses of these things.”
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: That was a reading from Luke’s Gospel.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Friday, April 10, 2009
Preaching Materials for April 19th, 2009
R U M O R S # 548
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-04-12
April 12, 2009
HOLY HUMOR SUNDAY
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Motto for Holy Humor Sunday, April 19th.
Humor is not the opposite of seriousness. Humor is the opposite of despair.
Conrad Hyers
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Holy Humor Sunday – This is not a recent invention of flaky dabblers. The origins of this celebration go back hundreds of years as a way of celebrating God’s resurrection victory over Satan. The idea was to laugh at Satan who had been outwitted by God.
The medieval church believed that Satan could absolutely not stand laughter. At least not genuine laughter. If you laugh at the evil one, he has no power over you.
While our theology may be more sophisticated, Holy Humor Sunday recognizes that laughter is a gift of God and a means of grace. That is not to say that we “laugh our troubles away.” It is to say that good humor, laughter, a twinkle in the eye, are one of God’s many gifts that help us cope with the struggles of life. Especially the smaller, annoying little problems.
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NOTE: Here’s a way to celebrate Holy Humor Sunday, even if there’s nothing in your church to mark the occasion.
There are untold numbers of dunderheads, dolts, functionaries, bureaucrats, and other such-like personages who could do with a dose of laughter and faith. There are also untold numbers of delightful, fully-alive, faith-filled people.
Both kinds might appreciate a phone call from you to wish them a “Happy Holy Humor Day.” So give ‘em a dingle. Say, “Happy Holy Humor day, Hanna.”
Then, without unduly perjuring yourself, try to think of something nice to say about Rumors. Say you are going to send them an absolutely free complimentary copy. Tell them there are instructions at the end on how to sign up. And how to take their name off the list when they get sick of having it pop up in their e-mail every Sunday.
If they are like me, and think of computers as “the enemy,” tell them you’ll send me their e-mail address and I’ll do the dastardly deed. I don’t know how to do much on these cack-handed contraptions, but I can to that.
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The Story – struggles of the early church
Rumors – let’s all move to a commune
Soft Edges – Easter morning
Good Stuff – and God created laughter
Bloopers – bad lunches
We Get Letters – good luck
Mirabile Dictu! – holy humor
Bottom of the Barrel – God’s goofy humor
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 20:19-31 and Acts 4:32-35
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – The church school teacher had spent several sessions teaching the story of Jonah and the whale. They’d read, talked about, and role-played how Jonah tried to run away from God, was swallowed by a big fish, barfed up on the beach and finally went to preach to Nineveh after all.
“What can we learn from this story?” the teacher asked.
From the back row a small voice. “That you can’t keep a good man down.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, which is the Third Sunday of the Easter Season. It is also celebrated in some congregations as Holy Humor Sunday.
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – John 20:19-31 and Acts 4:32-35
Ralph says,
The story out of this week’s readings works for me if I change the order the Lectionary folks suggest and read the Gospel and Acts passages chronologically. Because those stories tell us a couple of things we tend to forget when we think about the early Christian Church. The two stories together, I think, tell us how much we are like those early Christians.
It would be a good thing to laugh about. I don’t know if those early church folk were able to laugh at their own humanity, but it would be good for us if we could do that.
The Gospel reading shows us that the disciples were not all cut from the same cloth. Like the folks in our churches, they come in all stripes and flavors, and they come to their faith in different ways. Some see the thing whole in one glorious revelation, like Mary of Magdala, and some say, “Show me the evidence,” like Thomas. Others grow into it slowly, bit by bit, over a lifetime. Others (like me) are never really sure what they believe.
The same kind of thing in the church – especially when it comes to things like stewardship of time and money. Some give themselves and their resources almost completely. Others toss in a bit when it’s convenient. Some are committed to the life and ministry of the church. Others show up occasionally when there’s nothing else going on.
Most of us are somewhere in between.
Jim says –
I’m actually not using any of the lectionary readings this Sunday, because my congregation treats the first Sunday after Easter as “Holy Humor” Sunday. So the service resembles something of a cross between an issue of Rumors and Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-in (if you can remember that far back).
But if I were using the RCL passages, I would go with the John 20 story of Jesus meeting the disciples in the Upper Room – especially since I once claimed Doubting Thomas as my patron saint.
I would look for modern parallels to the terrified disciples hiding behind locked doors: Buddhist monks in Chinese-occupied Tibet, women in Afghanistan, Muslims in the U.S. after 9/11... Every knock on the door was someone coming to get them.
And I would contrast their cowardice now with their brazen bravery in Acts 2 to 4, when they not only went into the streets, but into the Temple itself. It would be equivalent to Al-Qaeda evangelizing the Pentagon!
What happened to change them? John tells one version. It may be factual; it may be mythic. But the gospels and Acts combine to tell us that “something” happened. Exactly what that “something” was doesn’t matter as much as that it did happen.
Psalm 133 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
We don't pour oil over people's head's anymore. But the image of a gathered people, of good things overflowing, still has meaning.
1 How good it feels to have the human family
gathered together for this sumptuous feast.
2 Here we rejoice in the rich repast
of fruit and tree and vine.
Apples and oranges, grapes and cherries,
yield their joyous juices to our lusting mouths.
Drops of surplus pleasure trickle down our chins.
We dab them unself-consciously with rumpled napkins.
3 This gathering refreshes like a sweet morning in the mountains,
like a prairie sky polished bright by gentle breezes.
Surely this is what the Lord intended
when God created life.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
1 John 1:1-2:2
There are children’s versions of the two key readings in next Sunday’s lectionary. “Thomas Asks Questions,” on page 102 and “Sharing” on page 104, in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B.”
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – It almost feels as if it was in another lifetime. I was producing TV programs and writing magazine articles. That involved a lot of trotting around interviewing people and digging around in libraries. This was the B.G. era. Before Google. Or B.C. Before computers (at least computers on everyone’s desk).
That was in the 60’s when bright-eyed idealists were doing all kinds of creative stuff including communes. Some close friends of ours hurled their date-books out of the window, bundled up their families and headed out to start a commune in the Gulf Islands of the west coast of Canada.
My research at that time was to assemble enough material to convince Bev that we should toss our date-books and join them.
I loved the research. I hated the conclusions I came to.
It became very evident that the only intentional communes that lasted were the ones where there was some very strong, top-down leadership. Charismatic leadership in many cases. Authoritarian in others.
In democratic communities where everyone got involved in the decisions – where there was no big boss and no central charismatic leadership – things didn’t usually last. When the leader fell from the pedestal or the authoritarian leader faced a rebellion, the thing would begin to crumble. Very few lasted into the second generation of leadership. Community and democracy, it seemed to me, were incompatible.
That put the kibosh on my efforts to get Bev to pack up our four tadpoles and head out to the islands. Which was just as well, because our friends dissolved their community in less than a year – bitter and disillusioned and poor.
Perhaps community isn’t compatible with the individualism of our society – and the individualism that seems to be nurtured in mainline, liberal churches. Our personal needs and rights are paramount. And that’s a thing to be celebrated. Until the last few generations of western democracy, there was no such thing as individual needs and rights, except for the wealthy and powerful.
We use the rhetoric of liberation theology, which requires that the needs of the community take priority over the needs of the individual. Individual convictions must be expressed, but then must give way to the will of the community. But in the way we live out our faith – in the way that things actually happen – each of us believes that our personal needs and convictions trump all.
I was with a group of friends recently, most of them retired church professionals, where we found ourselves sitting around talking about worship services in our various churches, and how they should be changed. The underlying assumption in our conversation was that the service failed unless it met our specific, personal needs.
The pendulum swings back and forth. The rights and needs of the individual. The rights and needs of the community.
The early Christian community described in Acts was dysfunctional from the outset. And I find myself wondering if real community – if anyone really knew what that meant and how the balance could be achieved – may be the next great human adventure.
If not, it may be the next great human failure.
People will learn to live together. Or die together.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Easter Morning
I ran across this quotation the other day. The source claims it comes from the Buddha, the Hindu prince Gautama Siddharta:
* Believe nothing just because a so-called wise person said it.
* Believe nothing just because a belief is generally held.
* Believe nothing just because it is said in ancient books.
* Believe nothing just because it is said to be of divine origin.
* Believe nothing just because someone else believes it.
* Believe only what you yourself test and judge to be true.
Of course, I don’t know if the Buddha actually said that, or if some later writer/editor distilled it from the collected teachings of the Buddha’s followers.
Understandably, I have some skepticism about the authenticity of the vast volumes of wisdom attributed to the Buddha. Or, for that matter, attributed to Confucius, Lao-Tzu, Mohammed, Guru Nanak Dev, Baha’u’llah, Joseph Smith, or Mary Baker Eddy.
Almost all major religions base their universal truths, their sacred writings, on the insights of one person. Hinduism is an exception; it has no single source for its earliest scriptures.
It seems unlikely that any one person – living within a particular time and culture – would have such profound insights as to subordinate all subsequent thinkers to mere interpreters of the original wisdom.
But I realize that I fail to apply that standard to my own religious tradition. I don’t apply the same skepticism to stories of Jesus that I might to, say, the Book of Mormon.
Not that I take everything literally. When I read about walking on water, feeding 5,000 picnickers, and raising the dead, I treat them as metaphoric descriptions of the effect Jesus had on his friends. Similarly, I treat the narratives of Mary being inseminated by God as an awed group’s effort to explain how Jesus could reveal so much more of God than his contemporaries did.
But I still cling to the core truths of those stories. Especially at Easter.
The Resurrection itself – with a capital R – remains a conundrum. But the human stories around the events of Good Friday and Easter Sunday ring true – the cowardice of his followers, the grief of those who loved him, the reality that the powerful always sacrifice the innocent to save their own skins...
I empathize particularly with Mary Magdalene. Heartbroken, distraught, fearing that grave robbers had stolen Jesus’ body, she turns to a stranger and pleads through her tears, “Tell me where you have taken him.”
And she hears what all of us who have ever lost a loved one long most to hear – a familiar voice, saying our name...
I’ve been there. I know too well that yearning – to hear this voice just once more, to hold this body just once more...
Perhaps I’m just a captive of my culture. Perhaps I set aside my normal suspension of credulity about these stories because I grew up believing in them.
Or perhaps I am finally heeding the Buddha’s advice: “Believe only what you yourself test and judge to be true.”
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Good Stuff – Oh, what agony we in the church could have spared ourselves if we had, all along, seen the book of Jonah as a humorous parable – an invented story designed to help the people of Israel know that God is the God of all people, even those hated Ninevites who kept beating up on them all the time.
The writer of Jonah’s main device is hyperbole. Exaggeration. The writer is pulling your leg.
The parable starts out with the highly improbable idea that Jonah could run away from God. He runs to Tarshish, somewhere in Spain – a place that was a symbol of the back of beyond, much like Timbuktu is for us today.
The action on board the ship is also highly improbable, as is the idea of a fish swallowing the man. But suddenly, in the belly of the fish, Jonah gets religion. And we hear a long, self-serving prayer. Then Jonah gets barfed up onto the beach.
Again, God tells Jonah to go to Nineveh which is now described as a city “three days journey across.” A day’s journey was about 20 miles, which would have made Nineveh 60 miles wide. There was no city anywhere near that size in those days.
So Jonah goes and preaches the shortest and most effective sermon in history. One sentence! And everyone, from the king on down, repents.
So God doesn’t destroy Nineveh and Jonah goes into a royal snit. God enacts a little parable with Jonah in the whole business of the shade-giving plant. Out of that comes God’s message about also caring for the people of Nineveh – an idea so outrageous that it could only have been heard by the Israelites through the use of broad, belly-laugh humor.
The above is based on Conrad Hyer’s book on Jonah, “And God Created Laughter,” published some years ago by Westminster/John Knox press. The book is now out of print but still available on some web sites.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Dorothy Jago of Reston, Manitoba saw this in the church bulletin. “Cleaning bee. April 18 starting at 9 am. Bring a bad lunch.”
And what would that be, Dorothy? Broccoli sandwiches on rye? Hold the mayo?
Russ Plumley of St. Catharines, Ontario says: “The item in Bloopers about "Garage Sale Treasurers" brought back this memory. I've been Treasurer of Niagara Presbytery since 1996 and once received a letter addressed to "The Treasure of Niagara Presbytery". I had no hesitation in believing that I was the intended addressee!
Larry Bethune of Austin, Texas, decided to lead a Bible Study on Ephesians 4, titled, “The Church as a Dynamic Organism.” But it came out in the bulletin as, “The Church as a Dynamic Orgasm.”
Larry says they drew “an enthusiastic crowd.”
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – If I could wish for my life to be perfect, it would be tempting but I would have to decline, for life would no longer teach me anything.
Allyson Jones via Lil Sheard
We might not be pioneers crossing the prairie, but neither are we settlers laying foundations that will last forever. We are pilgrims, waking up each morning on ground that we might be leaving soon , moving toward promises, leaving vistas that once seemed appealing, weary of constant change and yet unable to stop change.
Tom Enrich via Mary in Oman
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
James Bovard via John Severson
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We Get Letters – Jim Spinks sent along a list of messages on church sign boards. One of them was new to me. “Happy Easter to our Christian friends. Happy Passover to our Jewish friends. To our atheist friends – good luck.”
Jan Duecker of Paris, Texas, heard her grandson Jacob preach a fine sermon. They were playing school, with Jacob as teacher and Jan as student.
Standing up as the teacher, Jacob pronounced. "Today's lesson is........God died." And after a moment. "And then He lived!"
Jan’s comment – “Doesn't that say it all?”
Bernice Whaley writes: “At five minutes and six seconds after 4 in the morning on the 8th of July this year, the time and date will be 04:05:06 07/08/09.
“This will never happen again.”
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Holy Humor!”)
If you would like to pretend you really know your anchovies, and that you’d like to speak knowledgeably about humor, here’s your crib sheet. Also works as scholarly input into a sermon.
Some body language is required. Raise your nose so it’s pointing at someone’s forehead, or about 20 feet above the folks in the congregation, and intone, with a light English accent, material from what follows. Be sure to tell people when you have actually said something funny, so they know when to laugh. If you are sufficiently snooty, people may not know.
It took a year of really hard-nosed research. The BAAS (British Association for Advancement of Science) did a world-wide survey to find out what jokes seemed funniest in which countries. They sorted through more than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries, which would be enough to drive anyone sane.
Here’s the world-wide winner.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
“My friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice replies: “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
‘OK,” says the caller. There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, “Ok, now what?”
People from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand preferred gags involving word play, such as:
Patient: “Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum.”
Doctor: “I’ve got some cream for that.”
Americans and Canadians favored jokes where people were made to look stupid.
Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “OK – where are you from, jackass?”
Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:
“Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: ‘Could you please pass the butter?’ But instead I said: ‘You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.’”
Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.”
“Yeah, well,” the golfer replies. “We were married 35 years.”
Death earned big laughs in Scotland:
“I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.”
And animals figured prominently. Take the number one joke in England:
Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!”
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, “I slept with your mother!!”
The other weasel says: “Go home dad, you’re drunk.”
The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: “What’s brown and sticky? A stick.”
Researchers said no one ever found it funny.
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Bottom of the Barrel – This from a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon, 10/16/93:
Calvin is standing in front of his bedroom mirror in his BVDs, flexing his muscles. He’s proudly saying, “Made in God’s own image, yes sir!”
Hobbes is flopped on the floor beside him, disgusted at his pal’s self-absorbed preening. “God,” he says, “must have a goofy sense of humor.”
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 20:19-31 and Acts 4:32-35
Reader I: And so it was, that the early Christian church sprang into life through the glory of Easter.
Reader II: What are you talking about?
I: I’m talking about the Bible stories that tell us that after Jesus rose from the dead, the first Christians gathered together as the perfect Church. Isn’t that how it happened?
II: No.
I: Well?
II: Let’s read today’s scripture passages and they will tell you what happened.
I: Passages? We’re reading more than one?
II: Yes. Two.
I: Why?
II: Because they each give us a different kind of a glimpse of what happened to the early Christian Church after the resurrection of Jesus. The first one is from the Gospel of John, and it’s a story about the days right after the death of Jesus. It’s from John, chapter 20.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: When it was evening on that day, the first day of the week, and the doors of the house where the disciples had met were locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them.
II: "Peace be with you."
I: After Jesus said this, he showed them his hands and his side. Then the disciples rejoiced when they saw the Lord.
II: "Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you."
I: When Jesus had said this, he breathed on them.
II: "Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven. If you retain the sins of any, they are retained."
I: But Thomas (who was called the Twin), one of the twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord." But Thomas still wouldn’t believe.
II: "Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe."
I: A week later Jesus’ disciples were again in the house, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were shut, Jesus came and stood among them.
II: "Peace be with you."
I: Then Jesus spoke directly to Thomas.
II: "Put your finger here and see my hands, Thomas. Reach out your hand and put it in my side. Do not doubt but believe."
I: "My Lord and my God!"
II: "Have you believed, Thomas, because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe."
I: Now Jesus did many other signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not written in this book. But these are written so that you may come to believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that through believing you may have life in his name.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
II: You see, not everyone believed the story right away. For some of them, it took a lot of convincing. Just like today.
I: Yeah. Tell me about it!
II: But they did manage to come together into a tiny little church.
I: Is this the story of how they shared everything. Everyone put everything they had into the pot, and then everyone got what they needed?
II: It is. And it’s in the fourth chapter of the book of Acts.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: Now the whole group of those who believed were of one heart and soul, and no one claimed private ownership of any possessions, but everything they owned was held in common.
II: With great power the apostles gave their testimony to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and great grace was upon them all.
I: There was not a needy person among them, for as many as owned lands or houses sold them and brought the proceeds of what was sold.
II: They laid it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to each as any had need.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: Great story! And they all lived happily ever after!
II: Ah, no. Not quite.
I: But they were all Christians.
II: True, but Christians are people. And they come in all types and kinds and flavors. Just like us folks here in this church.
I: So what happened? How come we stopped the story in mid-stream?
II: Because it gets a little bit – ah – unpleasant.
I: Do we get to hear the end of the story next week?
II: The end of the story is that some of those early Christians told a few lies, and not every body shared everything, and it wasn’t long before that whole social experiment fell apart. But you can read all the gory details in your Bible.
I: Where?
II: Right after the end of the story we just read. Chapter 5.
I: I can hardly wait. I love gory details!
(NOTE: The dialogue bounces back and forth between the two readers, and so it is particularly important that the actors keep up the pacing. This is not done by speaking faster. It is done by eliminating any pause, even a very slight pause, between one speaker and the next.)
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2009-04-12
April 12, 2009
HOLY HUMOR SUNDAY
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Motto for Holy Humor Sunday, April 19th.
Humor is not the opposite of seriousness. Humor is the opposite of despair.
Conrad Hyers
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Holy Humor Sunday – This is not a recent invention of flaky dabblers. The origins of this celebration go back hundreds of years as a way of celebrating God’s resurrection victory over Satan. The idea was to laugh at Satan who had been outwitted by God.
The medieval church believed that Satan could absolutely not stand laughter. At least not genuine laughter. If you laugh at the evil one, he has no power over you.
While our theology may be more sophisticated, Holy Humor Sunday recognizes that laughter is a gift of God and a means of grace. That is not to say that we “laugh our troubles away.” It is to say that good humor, laughter, a twinkle in the eye, are one of God’s many gifts that help us cope with the struggles of life. Especially the smaller, annoying little problems.
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NOTE: Here’s a way to celebrate Holy Humor Sunday, even if there’s nothing in your church to mark the occasion.
There are untold numbers of dunderheads, dolts, functionaries, bureaucrats, and other such-like personages who could do with a dose of laughter and faith. There are also untold numbers of delightful, fully-alive, faith-filled people.
Both kinds might appreciate a phone call from you to wish them a “Happy Holy Humor Day.” So give ‘em a dingle. Say, “Happy Holy Humor day, Hanna.”
Then, without unduly perjuring yourself, try to think of something nice to say about Rumors. Say you are going to send them an absolutely free complimentary copy. Tell them there are instructions at the end on how to sign up. And how to take their name off the list when they get sick of having it pop up in their e-mail every Sunday.
If they are like me, and think of computers as “the enemy,” tell them you’ll send me their e-mail address and I’ll do the dastardly deed. I don’t know how to do much on these cack-handed contraptions, but I can to that.
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The Story – struggles of the early church
Rumors – let’s all move to a commune
Soft Edges – Easter morning
Good Stuff – and God created laughter
Bloopers – bad lunches
We Get Letters – good luck
Mirabile Dictu! – holy humor
Bottom of the Barrel – God’s goofy humor
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 20:19-31 and Acts 4:32-35
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – The church school teacher had spent several sessions teaching the story of Jonah and the whale. They’d read, talked about, and role-played how Jonah tried to run away from God, was swallowed by a big fish, barfed up on the beach and finally went to preach to Nineveh after all.
“What can we learn from this story?” the teacher asked.
From the back row a small voice. “That you can’t keep a good man down.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, which is the Third Sunday of the Easter Season. It is also celebrated in some congregations as Holy Humor Sunday.
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – John 20:19-31 and Acts 4:32-35
Ralph says,
The story out of this week’s readings works for me if I change the order the Lectionary folks suggest and read the Gospel and Acts passages chronologically. Because those stories tell us a couple of things we tend to forget when we think about the early Christian Church. The two stories together, I think, tell us how much we are like those early Christians.
It would be a good thing to laugh about. I don’t know if those early church folk were able to laugh at their own humanity, but it would be good for us if we could do that.
The Gospel reading shows us that the disciples were not all cut from the same cloth. Like the folks in our churches, they come in all stripes and flavors, and they come to their faith in different ways. Some see the thing whole in one glorious revelation, like Mary of Magdala, and some say, “Show me the evidence,” like Thomas. Others grow into it slowly, bit by bit, over a lifetime. Others (like me) are never really sure what they believe.
The same kind of thing in the church – especially when it comes to things like stewardship of time and money. Some give themselves and their resources almost completely. Others toss in a bit when it’s convenient. Some are committed to the life and ministry of the church. Others show up occasionally when there’s nothing else going on.
Most of us are somewhere in between.
Jim says –
I’m actually not using any of the lectionary readings this Sunday, because my congregation treats the first Sunday after Easter as “Holy Humor” Sunday. So the service resembles something of a cross between an issue of Rumors and Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-in (if you can remember that far back).
But if I were using the RCL passages, I would go with the John 20 story of Jesus meeting the disciples in the Upper Room – especially since I once claimed Doubting Thomas as my patron saint.
I would look for modern parallels to the terrified disciples hiding behind locked doors: Buddhist monks in Chinese-occupied Tibet, women in Afghanistan, Muslims in the U.S. after 9/11... Every knock on the door was someone coming to get them.
And I would contrast their cowardice now with their brazen bravery in Acts 2 to 4, when they not only went into the streets, but into the Temple itself. It would be equivalent to Al-Qaeda evangelizing the Pentagon!
What happened to change them? John tells one version. It may be factual; it may be mythic. But the gospels and Acts combine to tell us that “something” happened. Exactly what that “something” was doesn’t matter as much as that it did happen.
Psalm 133 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
We don't pour oil over people's head's anymore. But the image of a gathered people, of good things overflowing, still has meaning.
1 How good it feels to have the human family
gathered together for this sumptuous feast.
2 Here we rejoice in the rich repast
of fruit and tree and vine.
Apples and oranges, grapes and cherries,
yield their joyous juices to our lusting mouths.
Drops of surplus pleasure trickle down our chins.
We dab them unself-consciously with rumpled napkins.
3 This gathering refreshes like a sweet morning in the mountains,
like a prairie sky polished bright by gentle breezes.
Surely this is what the Lord intended
when God created life.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
1 John 1:1-2:2
There are children’s versions of the two key readings in next Sunday’s lectionary. “Thomas Asks Questions,” on page 102 and “Sharing” on page 104, in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B.”
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – It almost feels as if it was in another lifetime. I was producing TV programs and writing magazine articles. That involved a lot of trotting around interviewing people and digging around in libraries. This was the B.G. era. Before Google. Or B.C. Before computers (at least computers on everyone’s desk).
That was in the 60’s when bright-eyed idealists were doing all kinds of creative stuff including communes. Some close friends of ours hurled their date-books out of the window, bundled up their families and headed out to start a commune in the Gulf Islands of the west coast of Canada.
My research at that time was to assemble enough material to convince Bev that we should toss our date-books and join them.
I loved the research. I hated the conclusions I came to.
It became very evident that the only intentional communes that lasted were the ones where there was some very strong, top-down leadership. Charismatic leadership in many cases. Authoritarian in others.
In democratic communities where everyone got involved in the decisions – where there was no big boss and no central charismatic leadership – things didn’t usually last. When the leader fell from the pedestal or the authoritarian leader faced a rebellion, the thing would begin to crumble. Very few lasted into the second generation of leadership. Community and democracy, it seemed to me, were incompatible.
That put the kibosh on my efforts to get Bev to pack up our four tadpoles and head out to the islands. Which was just as well, because our friends dissolved their community in less than a year – bitter and disillusioned and poor.
Perhaps community isn’t compatible with the individualism of our society – and the individualism that seems to be nurtured in mainline, liberal churches. Our personal needs and rights are paramount. And that’s a thing to be celebrated. Until the last few generations of western democracy, there was no such thing as individual needs and rights, except for the wealthy and powerful.
We use the rhetoric of liberation theology, which requires that the needs of the community take priority over the needs of the individual. Individual convictions must be expressed, but then must give way to the will of the community. But in the way we live out our faith – in the way that things actually happen – each of us believes that our personal needs and convictions trump all.
I was with a group of friends recently, most of them retired church professionals, where we found ourselves sitting around talking about worship services in our various churches, and how they should be changed. The underlying assumption in our conversation was that the service failed unless it met our specific, personal needs.
The pendulum swings back and forth. The rights and needs of the individual. The rights and needs of the community.
The early Christian community described in Acts was dysfunctional from the outset. And I find myself wondering if real community – if anyone really knew what that meant and how the balance could be achieved – may be the next great human adventure.
If not, it may be the next great human failure.
People will learn to live together. Or die together.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Easter Morning
I ran across this quotation the other day. The source claims it comes from the Buddha, the Hindu prince Gautama Siddharta:
* Believe nothing just because a so-called wise person said it.
* Believe nothing just because a belief is generally held.
* Believe nothing just because it is said in ancient books.
* Believe nothing just because it is said to be of divine origin.
* Believe nothing just because someone else believes it.
* Believe only what you yourself test and judge to be true.
Of course, I don’t know if the Buddha actually said that, or if some later writer/editor distilled it from the collected teachings of the Buddha’s followers.
Understandably, I have some skepticism about the authenticity of the vast volumes of wisdom attributed to the Buddha. Or, for that matter, attributed to Confucius, Lao-Tzu, Mohammed, Guru Nanak Dev, Baha’u’llah, Joseph Smith, or Mary Baker Eddy.
Almost all major religions base their universal truths, their sacred writings, on the insights of one person. Hinduism is an exception; it has no single source for its earliest scriptures.
It seems unlikely that any one person – living within a particular time and culture – would have such profound insights as to subordinate all subsequent thinkers to mere interpreters of the original wisdom.
But I realize that I fail to apply that standard to my own religious tradition. I don’t apply the same skepticism to stories of Jesus that I might to, say, the Book of Mormon.
Not that I take everything literally. When I read about walking on water, feeding 5,000 picnickers, and raising the dead, I treat them as metaphoric descriptions of the effect Jesus had on his friends. Similarly, I treat the narratives of Mary being inseminated by God as an awed group’s effort to explain how Jesus could reveal so much more of God than his contemporaries did.
But I still cling to the core truths of those stories. Especially at Easter.
The Resurrection itself – with a capital R – remains a conundrum. But the human stories around the events of Good Friday and Easter Sunday ring true – the cowardice of his followers, the grief of those who loved him, the reality that the powerful always sacrifice the innocent to save their own skins...
I empathize particularly with Mary Magdalene. Heartbroken, distraught, fearing that grave robbers had stolen Jesus’ body, she turns to a stranger and pleads through her tears, “Tell me where you have taken him.”
And she hears what all of us who have ever lost a loved one long most to hear – a familiar voice, saying our name...
I’ve been there. I know too well that yearning – to hear this voice just once more, to hold this body just once more...
Perhaps I’m just a captive of my culture. Perhaps I set aside my normal suspension of credulity about these stories because I grew up believing in them.
Or perhaps I am finally heeding the Buddha’s advice: “Believe only what you yourself test and judge to be true.”
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Good Stuff – Oh, what agony we in the church could have spared ourselves if we had, all along, seen the book of Jonah as a humorous parable – an invented story designed to help the people of Israel know that God is the God of all people, even those hated Ninevites who kept beating up on them all the time.
The writer of Jonah’s main device is hyperbole. Exaggeration. The writer is pulling your leg.
The parable starts out with the highly improbable idea that Jonah could run away from God. He runs to Tarshish, somewhere in Spain – a place that was a symbol of the back of beyond, much like Timbuktu is for us today.
The action on board the ship is also highly improbable, as is the idea of a fish swallowing the man. But suddenly, in the belly of the fish, Jonah gets religion. And we hear a long, self-serving prayer. Then Jonah gets barfed up onto the beach.
Again, God tells Jonah to go to Nineveh which is now described as a city “three days journey across.” A day’s journey was about 20 miles, which would have made Nineveh 60 miles wide. There was no city anywhere near that size in those days.
So Jonah goes and preaches the shortest and most effective sermon in history. One sentence! And everyone, from the king on down, repents.
So God doesn’t destroy Nineveh and Jonah goes into a royal snit. God enacts a little parable with Jonah in the whole business of the shade-giving plant. Out of that comes God’s message about also caring for the people of Nineveh – an idea so outrageous that it could only have been heard by the Israelites through the use of broad, belly-laugh humor.
The above is based on Conrad Hyer’s book on Jonah, “And God Created Laughter,” published some years ago by Westminster/John Knox press. The book is now out of print but still available on some web sites.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Dorothy Jago of Reston, Manitoba saw this in the church bulletin. “Cleaning bee. April 18 starting at 9 am. Bring a bad lunch.”
And what would that be, Dorothy? Broccoli sandwiches on rye? Hold the mayo?
Russ Plumley of St. Catharines, Ontario says: “The item in Bloopers about "Garage Sale Treasurers" brought back this memory. I've been Treasurer of Niagara Presbytery since 1996 and once received a letter addressed to "The Treasure of Niagara Presbytery". I had no hesitation in believing that I was the intended addressee!
Larry Bethune of Austin, Texas, decided to lead a Bible Study on Ephesians 4, titled, “The Church as a Dynamic Organism.” But it came out in the bulletin as, “The Church as a Dynamic Orgasm.”
Larry says they drew “an enthusiastic crowd.”
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – If I could wish for my life to be perfect, it would be tempting but I would have to decline, for life would no longer teach me anything.
Allyson Jones via Lil Sheard
We might not be pioneers crossing the prairie, but neither are we settlers laying foundations that will last forever. We are pilgrims, waking up each morning on ground that we might be leaving soon , moving toward promises, leaving vistas that once seemed appealing, weary of constant change and yet unable to stop change.
Tom Enrich via Mary in Oman
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
James Bovard via John Severson
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We Get Letters – Jim Spinks sent along a list of messages on church sign boards. One of them was new to me. “Happy Easter to our Christian friends. Happy Passover to our Jewish friends. To our atheist friends – good luck.”
Jan Duecker of Paris, Texas, heard her grandson Jacob preach a fine sermon. They were playing school, with Jacob as teacher and Jan as student.
Standing up as the teacher, Jacob pronounced. "Today's lesson is........God died." And after a moment. "And then He lived!"
Jan’s comment – “Doesn't that say it all?”
Bernice Whaley writes: “At five minutes and six seconds after 4 in the morning on the 8th of July this year, the time and date will be 04:05:06 07/08/09.
“This will never happen again.”
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Holy Humor!”)
If you would like to pretend you really know your anchovies, and that you’d like to speak knowledgeably about humor, here’s your crib sheet. Also works as scholarly input into a sermon.
Some body language is required. Raise your nose so it’s pointing at someone’s forehead, or about 20 feet above the folks in the congregation, and intone, with a light English accent, material from what follows. Be sure to tell people when you have actually said something funny, so they know when to laugh. If you are sufficiently snooty, people may not know.
It took a year of really hard-nosed research. The BAAS (British Association for Advancement of Science) did a world-wide survey to find out what jokes seemed funniest in which countries. They sorted through more than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries, which would be enough to drive anyone sane.
Here’s the world-wide winner.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
“My friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice replies: “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
‘OK,” says the caller. There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, “Ok, now what?”
People from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand preferred gags involving word play, such as:
Patient: “Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum.”
Doctor: “I’ve got some cream for that.”
Americans and Canadians favored jokes where people were made to look stupid.
Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “OK – where are you from, jackass?”
Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:
“Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: ‘Could you please pass the butter?’ But instead I said: ‘You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.’”
Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.”
“Yeah, well,” the golfer replies. “We were married 35 years.”
Death earned big laughs in Scotland:
“I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.”
And animals figured prominently. Take the number one joke in England:
Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!”
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, “I slept with your mother!!”
The other weasel says: “Go home dad, you’re drunk.”
The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: “What’s brown and sticky? A stick.”
Researchers said no one ever found it funny.
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Bottom of the Barrel – This from a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon, 10/16/93:
Calvin is standing in front of his bedroom mirror in his BVDs, flexing his muscles. He’s proudly saying, “Made in God’s own image, yes sir!”
Hobbes is flopped on the floor beside him, disgusted at his pal’s self-absorbed preening. “God,” he says, “must have a goofy sense of humor.”
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – John 20:19-31 and Acts 4:32-35
Reader I: And so it was, that the early Christian church sprang into life through the glory of Easter.
Reader II: What are you talking about?
I: I’m talking about the Bible stories that tell us that after Jesus rose from the dead, the first Christians gathered together as the perfect Church. Isn’t that how it happened?
II: No.
I: Well?
II: Let’s read today’s scripture passages and they will tell you what happened.
I: Passages? We’re reading more than one?
II: Yes. Two.
I: Why?
II: Because they each give us a different kind of a glimpse of what happened to the early Christian Church after the resurrection of Jesus. The first one is from the Gospel of John, and it’s a story about the days right after the death of Jesus. It’s from John, chapter 20.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: When it was evening on that day, the first day of the week, and the doors of the house where the disciples had met were locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them.
II: "Peace be with you."
I: After Jesus said this, he showed them his hands and his side. Then the disciples rejoiced when they saw the Lord.
II: "Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you."
I: When Jesus had said this, he breathed on them.
II: "Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven. If you retain the sins of any, they are retained."
I: But Thomas (who was called the Twin), one of the twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord." But Thomas still wouldn’t believe.
II: "Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe."
I: A week later Jesus’ disciples were again in the house, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were shut, Jesus came and stood among them.
II: "Peace be with you."
I: Then Jesus spoke directly to Thomas.
II: "Put your finger here and see my hands, Thomas. Reach out your hand and put it in my side. Do not doubt but believe."
I: "My Lord and my God!"
II: "Have you believed, Thomas, because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe."
I: Now Jesus did many other signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not written in this book. But these are written so that you may come to believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that through believing you may have life in his name.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
II: You see, not everyone believed the story right away. For some of them, it took a lot of convincing. Just like today.
I: Yeah. Tell me about it!
II: But they did manage to come together into a tiny little church.
I: Is this the story of how they shared everything. Everyone put everything they had into the pot, and then everyone got what they needed?
II: It is. And it’s in the fourth chapter of the book of Acts.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: Now the whole group of those who believed were of one heart and soul, and no one claimed private ownership of any possessions, but everything they owned was held in common.
II: With great power the apostles gave their testimony to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and great grace was upon them all.
I: There was not a needy person among them, for as many as owned lands or houses sold them and brought the proceeds of what was sold.
II: They laid it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to each as any had need.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I: Great story! And they all lived happily ever after!
II: Ah, no. Not quite.
I: But they were all Christians.
II: True, but Christians are people. And they come in all types and kinds and flavors. Just like us folks here in this church.
I: So what happened? How come we stopped the story in mid-stream?
II: Because it gets a little bit – ah – unpleasant.
I: Do we get to hear the end of the story next week?
II: The end of the story is that some of those early Christians told a few lies, and not every body shared everything, and it wasn’t long before that whole social experiment fell apart. But you can read all the gory details in your Bible.
I: Where?
II: Right after the end of the story we just read. Chapter 5.
I: I can hardly wait. I love gory details!
(NOTE: The dialogue bounces back and forth between the two readers, and so it is particularly important that the actors keep up the pacing. This is not done by speaking faster. It is done by eliminating any pause, even a very slight pause, between one speaker and the next.)
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