Preaching Materials for January 4th, 2009

R U M O R S # 534
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-12-28

December 28, 2008

THE FUNDAMENTAL REALITY

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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Jim and I would like to wish all of you a joyful New Year, with just enough challenges to make life interesting, a deep and lively faith in God, and a profound sense of being part of God’s ministry of love to the world.

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The Story – not how but why
Rumors – gifts and miracles
Soft Edges – the turning seasons
Bloopers – naval oranges
We Get Letters – more shapely rears
Mirabile Dictu! – Jesus loves me
Bottom of the Barrel – talking to a bush
Readers’ Theatre – John 1
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – This groaner from Evelyn McLachlan.
The custodian of a church quit, and the pastor of the church asked the organist if she would be able also to clean the church sanctuary.
The organist thought before replying," Do you mean that I now have to mind my keys and pews?"
Evelyn’s also responsible for this giggle.
The parishioner says to the preacher "that was a really good sermon, Reverend!" "It wasn't me,” says the preacher. “It was the Lord.”
"Oh no,” says the parishioner. “It wasn't that good!"

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Next Week’s Readings – Some of you may choose to celebrate Epiphany next Sunday, even though technically it falls on Tuesday, January 6th. Those readings are:
Isaiah 60:1-6, Psalm 72:1-7, 10-14, Ephesians 3:1-12, Matthew 2:1-12

These are the readings (as indicated by the Revised Common Lectionary) you may hear in church this coming Sunday, December 28th, which is the second Sunday after Christmas Day.

Jeremiah 31:7-14 (or Sirach 24:1-12)
Kari and Don, my daughter and son-in-law, are doing a better job of parenting than Bev and I did. There are probably a number of reasons for that, but one of them is that Bev and I were the among the first generation of parents to realize that parenting was far more than simply keeping the kids in line and out of trouble.
Most particularly, we knew that “spare the rod and spoil the child” was really bad advice, so we used corporeal punishment minimally in our child rearing. But we still used punishment. Don and Kari use punishment minimally and rely on encouragement, reinforcement of positive actions and attitudes plus deep involvement in their lives. And love. Lots of love.
What we’ve learned about parenting in the last two generations also applies to preaching and pastoring. And this passage from Jeremiah is certainly a good reinforcement of positive values suitable for the first Sunday of 2009.
Of course us pew warmers deserve to have our ears boxed and our backsides booted, but I doubt it really does much good. At the least, it begs the question whether we act out of guilt or out of love.
The Bible is full of ear-boxing rhetoric. This is one passage to remind us that God works in our midst through the power of love.

Psalm 147:12-20 (or Wisdom of Solomon10:15-21) – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Ralph and I discussed our images of God one day. We concluded that most of the time God feels more like a mother than a father.

12 Thank God that God does things differently.
13 By the wisdom of this world, an unborn child has no value.
It has no name; it is not yet a person.
Yet while it is still in the womb, it somersaults with joy.
14 Its mother's eyes shine with hope;
her breasts swell with the milk of life.
15 To the mother, the unborn child within
matters more than any international agreement;
she wraps the child in her own body.
16 God carries us in her womb.
With her own lifeblood, God feeds us.
Like a mother preparing a nursery for her newborn,
God readies the earth to receive us.
17 Winter gives way to spring;
frozen hearts thaw;
tightly buttoned spirits burst into fragile new leaf.
18 That is God's way:
out of darkness comes light;
out of ice, water;
out of pain and struggle, new life.
19 That is how God gives birth.
20 Others may not recognize this mystery.
But to us God has revealed the miracle.
Our cry of weakness is a cry of triumph;
our thirst invites us to lie close to the heart of God and drink our fill.
God does things differently. Thank God.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

Ephesians 1:3-14 – It’s tempting to read this passage as a bit of Christian triumphalism – God’s on our side and not yours. If that’s Paul’s intention, then it’s not helpful. I read this as Paul reflecting on the joy of being part of the Christian community much the way I can reflect on the joy I find in my family or friends – all the while wishing that others could be similarly blessed.

The Story: John 1:(1-9), 10-18 – I often reflect on the first five verses of this passage when in conversation with my son Mark, an astronomer. It seems to tell, in theological language, what astronomers say to us in scientific language. I am convinced that when quantum mechanics (about which I have no idea whatever) finally gets to whatever it is that would explain everything, it’ll sound more like the first verses of John than like something written by Stephen Hawking.
And it will be “elegant.” I enjoy reading popular science, even though I am singularly lacking in scientific smarts. And I am constantly astounded at the complexity, the mind-boggling miracle that is human life, our planet, our solar system, our universe. When (if?) we arrive at an understanding of how and why (especially why) it happened, it will not be a formula. Nor will it not be a piece of dogma. It will be a story, or a vision, or a song, or a revelation. It will be that fundamental reality that John called “logos” and which is so awkwardly translated a “the Word.” And there, smiling through it all, will be our God.
There’s a Reader’s Theatre version of this passage from John right at the end of Rumors. It has a bit of fun trying to get some clarity on the “word/logos” thing. It’s just before the technical stuff about subscribing and unsubscribing.

There’s no commentary from Jim this week because he’s all tied up with computer problems and two grandchildren. I get the distinct impression that he prefers the grandchildren to the computer problems.

There’s a children’s story based on the first chapter of John, in Year A of “The Lectionary Story Bible,” page 37. There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod

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Rumors – I’m taking the easy way out.
I am writing this issue of Rumors on December 23rd, and last night was the longest night of the year. It’s also my birthday and I am now a well-ripened 74 years and I want to take the rest of the day off to sit in a corner and feel sorry for myself.
Not really. This is a glorious and creative time of life, and I am enjoying myself thoroughly. But I’m still going to goof off and give you a piece that sort of fits with my blurb about the first five verses of John. It’s from the book “Angels in Red Suspenders.”

Gifts and miracles...
It was a gift.
Bev and I had no idea there would be a major and complete solar eclipse – the sun would be hidden by the moon – except for a spectacular corona the like of which would not be seen this way for many lifetimes. We had come to Encinedas on the California coast because we found an inexpensive motel there. And we thought perhaps it might be sunny.
We heard of the eclipse by accident, and so found ourselves on the beach with thousands of others, curious and eager.
As we stood and waited, I felt a gentle arm around my knee and glanced down to see a small boy of five or six, to whom one blue-jeaned leg was much like any other. His head leaned easily against my hip, and just as easily and naturally my hand went down to rest upon his shoulder.
"Don't look up, little boy,” I thought. “Don't look up because then you will know I am not your father, and you will be embarrassed. You will not know the tender moment you have given me. You will not know the soft memories you have brought to mind, of days when I was a young father with children your age who would come and hold my leg and lean their trusting heads against me and my hand could rest on their young shoulders just as my hand rests on your young shoulder now."
The boy's mother broke the magic, as a mother must. "Kevin, that's not your dad."
I was glad she said it gently. The boy looked up and moved away and I said "Thank you. That was a kind thing you did for me." The boy had no words, just large eyes from the safe haven of his mother, but she smiled kindly and I knew she understood the moment as a touch of grace.
Then the huge magnificence took shape before us, the moon that moved in slow and measured increments to hide the flaming sun – moved until it hid the light and left us only the eternal outer circle of the sun.
And then the moon and sun together dipped into the sea and people clapped and danced their wordless prayer of thanks and we went home.
And I was thankful for a small child's tenderness and for the majesty of moon and sun in confluence, not knowing which of those to call the greater gift or miracle.

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
The Turning Seasons
I’m writing this on Christmas Eve.
Sunday was the winter solstice, the shortest day of the year in northern climes. Already, the days are growing longer, although no one but an astronomer with a stopwatch could detect the difference.
As I write this column, the stock markets – more a thermometer of our emotional attitudes than a true measure of corporate value – seem to have bottomed out like the winter sun.
There is a danger, of course, that if and when the economy recovers and prosperity returns, we will try to claim the credit. When things go well, politicians pat themselves on the back. CEOs accept huge bonuses and pay packages. Retirees like me congratulate ourselves for investing in the right mutual funds.
But when things go badly, it was always caused by circumstances beyond our control, by factors no one could have anticipated. So the automakers, the banks, the mortgage companies, go to governments with begging bowls in hand, hoping for bailouts.
Strange – I didn’t notice them offering to share any unexpected profits with taxpayers. Did you?
They remind me of the Incas, who believed that their rituals could stop the sun from dipping further towards the horizon, by tethering it to a ceremonial hitching post in their temples.
The ancient writer of the biblical book of Ecclesiastes – whoever he was – understood the cyclical nature of all things. “To everything, there is a season,” chapter 3 begins.
A few years ago, I paraphrased that familiar passage this way:

The pendulum swings, and swings back.
Every action has its equal and opposite reaction.
So we are born, and eventually we die.
We plant seeds in the spring, and rip out roots in the fall.
Killing and healing tread on each other’s heels.
Buildings go up, and get torn down;
new buildings emerge from the ruins of the old.
The Phoenix rises from its own ashes.
You lose someone you love;
you bounce like a ping-pong ball
between tears and hysterical laughter.
If despair were forever, you couldn’t carry on,
but you carry on because you know
despair will someday be displaced by dancing again.
You can’t make love all the time;
sooner or later, you have to become friends.
You misplace your house keys; you find them.
You forget someone’s name;
it comes back to you in the middle of the night.
You lose a job, and a new career opens up.
You spend the first half of your life gaining possessions,
and the second half giving them away.
The animated conversations of young lovers mature
into the comfortable silences of long familiarity.
Why should we expect a single state of mind,
a single snapshot of experience, to last indefinitely?
Does a pendulum stop at the end of its swing?
So war and peace, love and hate,
togetherness and aloneness,
inevitably cycle and recycle.
This is how God teaches us.
Life is full of resurrections.

So Merry Christmas. Until it comes around again next year.

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Jim Taylor got a note from his friend, Tim Green, an engineer. Tim says the name of an academic paper caught his eyes. "Infrared Detection of Worship Activity"
“Thought you could talk to God without us knowing, didn't you?” says Tim. “You can hide nothing!”
Tim went on to explain that one small vowel had gone astray. They had intended “warship.” Tim says it “reminds me of the time a friend was making a presentation to city council, and addressed the somewhat aggressive mayor as "Your Warship." Or the sign outside an ethnic grocery the other week. "Special: naval oranges."

Garth Caseley did manage to get this typed correctly into the bulletin but the first time he typed it, his spell checker changed “stuffer” to “suffer.”
“Dove Cookie Cutters & Ornaments for Sale. Just in time for Christmas baking, buy as a stocking suffer, if no time to bake... buy a ready made dough ornament and decorate yourself.”
Garth, in my tireless efforts to squeeze meaning out of everything, the thought occurs that some folks may use suffering is a way to “decorate yourself” – the way military folks wear medals that show they were wounded in battle.
Please notice I said, “some” folks. Not all of them Not even most of them. But some.

Jayne Whyte of Fort Qu'Appelle, Saskatchewan writes: “In our Carols and Lessons service today, the 12 year old stumbled only a little on the gifts of the Magi – ‘gold, frankincense and mirth.’ I'm sure Jesus was be pleased. So too was our congregation.”

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – We don't know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasn't a fish.
John Culkin via Jim Taylor

We can have democracy in this country or we can have great wealth in the hands of a few, but we cannot have both.
Justice Louis Brandeis

Never clutch the past so tightly that it leaves your arms unable to embrace the present.
source unknown via Sharyl Peterson

Why is it that people who praise downsizing for its salubrious effect on the economy are invariably people in no danger of being downsized themselves? The market is now our supreme power. It is a god that requires human sacrifices to keep it pacified.
Russell Baker

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We Get Letters – Evelyn McLachlan sends this New Year’s wish to all Rumors readers. “May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts. May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills. May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
“May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy. May the problems you had forget your home address!
“In simple words May 2009 be the best year of your life!!!”

Susan Price writes: “Ralph, on that amusing typo, “Merry Christmas and a Happy New Rear,” you suggested: ‘it was for people who needed a replacement after having unsuccessfully protected it all year’.
“Come now, surely it is a heartfelt wish of goodwill expressed to those who wish to change their rears for more shapely versions, whether fuller or smaller.”
Wayne Seybert in Longmont, Colorado appreciated the item on Christmas Shopping. “It’s very true and we all need to do that but there is one more thing we need to buy – common sense. If you know where it is for sale please let me know. I am about to run out.”

Sharyl Peterson of Grand Junction, Colorado sends along a “profound Christmas theological insight from a kindergarten student.
“The teacher asked the class, “who can tell me why Jesus was born in Bethlehem?’
Little Katie knew. “Because his mother was there!”
Argue with that, if you dare!
Sharyl also sent along some good advice from one of her parishioners. She had been told by a friend to “Finish all those things you have left unfinished.”
“That seemed like a good idea,” said the parishioner. “So, I finished the rest of last night's cocktail shrimp, half a bag of Doritos, 15 nearly-stale Christmas cookies, the last four pieces of fudge on the festive plate, the last two glasses of wine left in the bottom of the bottle someone brought for the party last week-end, and the dregs of a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream. I feel so flippin' good I can hardly stand it! I am filled with peace, light, and the satisfaction of a job well done.”

Evelyn McLachlan sends along a giggle from “the Hebrew side of the holidays!
“Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor's windows, a child asks his father, ‘Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?’
"’What? No, of course not.’ says his father.’
"’Why not?’ asks the child again.
“Bewildered, his father replies, ‘Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness.’
(See also: “The Bottom of the Barrel” below.)

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Jesus loves me!”)
This version of “Jesus Loves Me” is from Margaret Wood. Even though it’s been here on Rumors before, I’m running it today because I’m feeling sorry for myself.

Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair is white as snow.
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me trust in Him.
(CHORUS)
Yes, Jesus loves me (3X)
The Bible tells me so.

Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I'll go.
On through life, let come what may,
He'll be there to lead the way.
(CHORUS)

Though I am no longer young,
I have much which He's begun.
Let me serve Christ with a smile,
Let me go the extra mile.
(CHORUS)

When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song.
Telling me in words so clear,
'Have no fear, for I am near.'
(CHORUS)

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Bottom of the Barrel – We’ve got to run this story now, because very soon the person in the White House will no longer be a Bush. It’s from John Severson.

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"
The man never answered. He just kept staring straight ahead.
The President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the President.
Bush pulled a Secret Service agent aside and pointing to the robed man asked, "Am I crazy, or does that man not look like Moses to you?"
The Secret Service agent looked at the man carefully and then agreed.
""Well," said the President, "every time I say his name he ignores me and stares straight ahead refuses to speak. Watch! "
Again the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered,
"You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered back ."Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years wandering in the desert, and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there’s no oil."

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Readers’ Theatre
An arrangement of John 1:(1-9), 10-18
(Please rehearse this so that there are no pauses between speakers and so that you can put appropriate expression into the words. The word “logos” is pronounced LO gos and rhymes with “slow boss.”)

Reader one: Our reading is from the first chapter of the gospel of John.
“In the beginning was the Word . . .”
Reader two: (interrupting) Wrong!
Reader one: What do you mean wrong. That’s exactly what it says here.
Reader two: Because the word “word” is the wrong word.
Reader one: Huh???
Reader two: What you are reading is the English translation.
Reader one: Should I have used the Swahili translation? Some of the folks here don’t understand Swahili that well.
Reader two: Stop joking. This is serious!
Reader one: Of course it’s serious. But I have no idea what you are talking about.
Reader two: John’s gospel was originally written in Greek.
Reader one: Some of the folks here don’t understand Greek that well, either.
Reader two: It’s the word “word.”
Reader one: (exasperated) Here we go again.
Reader two: In the original Greek version of John’s Gospel, the writer said, ‘In the beginner there was the logos.”
Reader one: Logos?
Reader two: “Yeah. Logos. So read the first part of that passage again, and where it says “word,” say “logos” instead.
Reader one: (clearing throat) “In the beginning was the Logos, and the Logos was with God, and the Logos was God.” Now I really don’t understand this.
Reader two: Okay. You’ve heard of the “big bang” – the way science describes the beginning of everything. This inconceivably huge explosion that started the whole universe, including us.”
Reader one: Yeah.
Reader two: So read that passage again, and this time where it says ‘word’ say ‘big bang.’
Reader one: (clearing throat) In the beginning was the big bang, and the big bang was with God, and the big bang was God.”
Reader two: We’re almost there. There’s no word in English that translates “logos.” “Word” is as close as it gets. Logos is the divine principle, that wisdom, the reality that is at the bottom of everything. Logos is what’s behind everything. It’s not the ‘big bang’ of science – it’s the thing that was there before the big bang. It’s the power that made the big bang. So read that again, and this time, use “divine power” instead of “Word.”
Reader one: (clearing throat) “In the beginning was the divine power, and the divine power was with God, and the divine power was God.”
Reader two: Go on.
Reader one: The divine power was in the beginning with God. All things came into being through this divine power, and without that divine power not one thing came into being. What has come into being in that divine power was life, and the life was the light of all people. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it.
Reader two: There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. He came as a witness to testify to the light, so that all might believe through him. John himself was not the light, but he came to testify to the light.
Reader one: The true light, which enlightens all of us, was coming into the world.
Reader two: This true light was in the world, and the world came into being through him; yet the world did not know him.
Reader one: He came to what was his own, and his own people did not accept him. But to all who received him, who believed in his name, he gave power to become children of God, who were born, not of blood or of the will of the flesh or of human will, but of God.
Reader two: And this divine power became flesh and lived among us, and we have seen this glory, the glory as of a parent’s only child, full of grace and truth.

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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Preaching Materials for December 28th

R U M O R S # 533
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-12-21

December 21, 2008

A SENSE OF FULFILLMENT

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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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A family is a circle of love, whether the people are blood relatives or not. May your circle grow wider and deeper as you celebrate God’s gift of love at Christmas.
Ralph and Jim

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The Story – Jesus presented at the temple
Rumors – Anna and Simeon – “I already know, old friend.”
Soft Edges – a sympathetic ear
Bloopers – a happy new rear
We Get Letters – identity crisis
Mirabile Dictu! – fruit cake
Bottom of the Barrel – weeweechu
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – The pastor was concerned about George. He hardly came to church anymore. On one of George’s rare appearances, the pastor pulled him aside and said, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.” “Then how come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
George looked in all directions to be sure he was not overheard. Then he whispered, “I’m in the secret service.”

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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, December 28th, which is the First Sunday after Christmas.

Isaiah 61:10-62:3 – What a delightful, expansive, inclusive song about the realm of God. The prophet is ready, eager, leaning into the future like the bride and groom as they approach their wedding day. An era of salvation and righteousness is about to spring up in the nation.
I’m writing this on my laptop in the living room where the sun is streaming into the windows warming the whole house. Which is nice, because the electricity has gone off, and it’s becoming apparent how little we can do without it. And the temperature is -20C outside.
I could easily translate that into a metaphor about how the power of God’s love warms us, even when worldly powers are gone. It sounds a little corny. Which is OK.
Except that it ignores the reality that most of the world does not have electricity to go off – or windows for the sun to shine through. The promise of hope needs to contain some practical action for those who can’t see or feel that hope.
Hope, yes, but without our action toward justice, it is at the very least, profoundly selfish and narrow.

Psalm 148 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
We Celebrate Renewed Life
1 Jubilation, exaltation, celebration, one and all!
2 Within the womb of the heavens, the orb of earth leaps to praise its Creator.
3, 4 As the pearl necklace of the planets swings around the sun,
as the shining oceans embrace the continents,
so do all living things praise the giver of life.
5 For God expressed a thought, and the thought took life.
6 God wanted to speak, and the Word became flesh and lived among us.
7 In that Word was holiness,
the spirit that makes every life more than the sum of its chemicals.
From the tiniest plankton in the sea to the great whales,
from the ants that burrow in the dust to the eagle that soars in the heavens–
all owe their existence to God.
8 Fire and hail, snow and frost, sun and drought, wind and rain–
in God, all things work together for good.
9 The mighty mountains compost into rich soil;
fruit trees and cedars aerate the atmosphere.
10 The dung beetle depends on the wastes of cattle;
birds and currents carry seeds to new orchards.
11 No one is cut off from the energy of God,
neither presidents throned in offices nor derelicts huddled under bridges.
12 For in God there is neither male nor female, old nor young, black nor white.
13 All have been equally created by God;
their lives all witness to God's grace.
14 With profligate generosity, God scatters new life among weeds and thistles.
And all of creation responds with rejoicing.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

Galatians 4:4-7 – This is as close as Paul comes to talking about the birth of Jesus – or to say anything much at all about the earthly life of Jesus. But it’s really an opening comment in which Paul argues that the coming of Jesus changes everything. We’re no longer “minors” or “slaves” under the control of guardians (the law). We are now adopted children – heirs to God’s promise.
In other words, you don’t need to become a Jew before you can become a Christian, as many of the first apostles claimed. Christianity was no longer a sect of Judaism.

The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) Luke 2:22-40
Jim says:
I first memorized parts of this passage as a child, when we had only the King James Version – which begins, “Now lettest thou thy servant depart in peace...”
I’m having trouble developing thoughts around this passage. Of course, I could expound the significance of servanthood. Or I could engage in intellectual analysis on “a revelation to the Gentiles” as a later amendment that justified Paul’s mission.
But what really hooks me is Simeon’s phrase “depart in peace.”
Unfortunately, exploring that concept suits the intimacy of small group sharing or personal meditation better than the larger public forum of a full congregation.
Under what circumstances, I wonder, could I say that my life is now complete? My mission is complete. I have received God’s revelation; I’m ready to go.
And if I knew that my time had come, what would I choose as my final acts? What would I say, and to whom?
I would love to see a whole congregation take those questions seriously, to turn to each other and identify what they would do, what they would say, if this were their final hours.
But it won’t happen. Not in any congregations I know.
I’d love to explore with those individuals what those final acts might reveal about themselves. Did they choose a gesture of generosity? Of settling old scores? Of erasing guilt? Of forgiveness? Of acceptance?
Perhaps all I can do is raise those questions, and hope they’ll deal with them later, on their own.

Ralph says:
This gentle, powerful story becomes more and more a favorite as I get older. The Simeon and Anna rôles seem to fit more and more comfortably.
The second Sunday of Advent found us delighting in the annual Christmas pageant at our church. Before the service, I had a few moments with the young couple whose newborn child would be “Jesus” in the pageant. They were dressed as Mary and Joseph, and I took several pictures while they beamed at their baby.
“Joseph” and I fell to talking about pageants and what they were about. We both realized that this is more than simply re-enacting an old story. “I was thinking last night,” he said, “that Christmas comes with every new baby that’s born.”
“And your child, in a deep and mystical sense, is the Christ child. Or at the very least, your child is a symbol of hope and promise.”
And my part in this universal drama is to be “Simeon” who has the years – who has had the grace to drop many of the affectations that cluttered up his youth – who can sense and weep a little at the story and the glory of God’s gift of love made incarnate in every baby that is born.
And this is true, whether the child is born into starvation in Somalia or into the affluence of western Canada.

“Being Happy and Sad” is a children’s story based on Isaiah 61:10-11 in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A,” page 34. And on page 37 you’ll find a story based on Luke 2:22-40. It’s called, “Jesus is Presented at the Temple.”
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod

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Rumors – Here’s a little story about Anna and Simeon which I wrote some years ago.

Her legs were bowed with childhood rickets and with eighty-four years of life.
"I walk like an old goose," she would cackle, "but in my mind, eh, in my mind I still soar like an eagle."
Sometimes Anna counted her years by the people she had survived. Five children she had born, and outlived every one of them. She'd been the midwife who brought the High Priest of the temple into the world and now acted as his unofficial "mother emeritus."
"Very unofficial," Anna grins. "His Highness doesn't want it known that I blew his nose and wiped his bum when he was a tadpole. But he comes and talks to me when nobody's looking. It wouldn't do for him to be seen talking to a woman now, would it?"
Anna had moved into the temple, expecting to die there soon. But death didn't come. Instead, a new kind of life, a life of caring and counseling and friendship to the many people who came in and out of the temple each day. Her body grew smaller, her legs bowed a little more, but her eyes grew bright and gentle with wisdom and good humor.
Anna's special concern was for young families. Jewish custom required a first-born son to be brought to the temple and dedicated to God.
"Those parents–they're just children really–they're so frightened, so anxious. We've got lots of priests around here, but they're so busy being important, they don't have time for young families. So I just show them around and help them get things done."
Anna's special concern was for poor families, intimidated by the wealth and power of the temple, afraid of being cheated by the money changers–as they often were. Anna got them through. That was her mission. Getting them through a tough time.
But Anna had a secret dream. She hadn't shared it with anyone except her old friend Simeon. Anna and Simeon, like Jews everywhere, had been raised with the hope that someday God would send a Messiah, a chosen one, someone who would bring in a new era of love and justice.
"Do you suppose we might see God's chosen one?" old Simeon would ask. "Do you suppose it's possible?"
"I live in hope, Simeon. I live in hope."
"But how will we know, Anna? How will we know?"
"We'll know, Simeon," Anna said, then wondered why she felt so confident.

It was getting late in the day. Anna's bowed legs were tired. She'd been active all day in the temple, in her ministry of simply being there for anyone who needed her. Then she saw a frail, teenage girl carrying a baby. Beside her a man, slightly older. Anna walked over as quickly as her goose-like gait could carry her.
"Welcome to the temple, my children." She could see they were hot and tired from their long walk. "Come over here into the shade of the wall. You can rest for a moment. May I see your baby?"
It wasn't that the baby looked different than all the other babies brought into the temple. There was nothing unusual about the mother who held it. But there was something very different happening inside Anna, an exquisite ache, a sense of powerful weakness.
"Simeon!" The name was whispered, but with such intensity, the old man who was dozing nearby woke with a start. He hurried over to Anna.
Simeon looked at the child. He saw nothing unusual. But then he looked into the fire-bright eyes of his old friend.
"Anna? Do you suppose?" Her eyes answered his question.
Simeon began to sing. An ancient song, half remembered, half made up, a song of hope and thanksgiving, a song of pain and rejoicing. Anna, who had no voice at that moment, sang along in her heart.
Dear God,
now I can die in peace,
as you promised.
I have seen your salvation
a gift to all people...
a light for the Gentiles
and glory for your people, Israel.

Late that night, Anna wept long and quietly. She grieved and celebrated all that was, and all that was yet to be. And then she slept.
It was only a few days later that Anna was midwife at another kind of birth. Her old friend Simeon was dying, and she was at his side, holding his hand and helping him through it, as she had helped so many others through life's changes.
"I think I can die now, Anna. I'll know very soon whether that child really is the Messiah, the chosen one. I'll know very soon." Simeon closed his eyes for the last time.
"But I know already, my old friend. Sleep well."

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
A Sympathetic Ear
During a pre-Christmas meditative service – candles, gentle chanting, readings, prayers –worship leader Lois Huey-Heck read a psalm paraphrase.
It addressed God as “Eternal Listener...”
I heard nothing more. That phrase, “eternal listener,” hooked me.
So often our attempts to communicate with God consist of what someone called “Gimme prayers.” As children, we want a new red bicycle, a blonde Barbie doll, a skipping rope... As adults, we ask for a red convertible, a new girl friend, a promotion... And if we’re really feeling noble and selfless, we ask for peace on earth, goodwill to all, and perhaps reversing global warming.
But we’re still expecting God to intervene on our behalf.
Then we’re disappointed if God doesn’t respond positively. Maybe we didn’t use the right words. Maybe we didn’t have enough faith. Maybe we got a busy signal...
Almost 30 years ago, my friend Mike Schwartzentruber was days away from death. He had cystic fibrosis, a hereditary illness that plugs up lungs and digestive systems. In trying to come to terms with his situation, he wrote a book about his experience.
Facing the empty stillness of a life that could end any time, Mike wanted to know, “Why me?”
“If I had been able to sit down face-to-face with God and have it out,” he pondered, “would it really have helped me to be less angry, less hurt, less broken?”
Slowly a realization came to him: “An explanation is not what I want. I want to be comforted, consoled. I want God and the people in my life to know that I hurt. I want something to fill the emptiness...”
He wanted people to hear what it was like to confront the end of life, every day.
A magazine I worked for started an advice column. “Keep the advice short,” advised my boss. “What people really want is to have someone hear their stories.”
We called it, “The Sympathetic Ear.”
A truly sympathetic ear is rare among humans. You’re telling me why you’re sad – or happy – but I’m waiting for a chance to top your story with my own. Or I’m thinking you’re a fool. Or I’m wishing you’d push the fast-forward button...
Someone who will listen, who will care, with no agenda, no preconceptions, no judgment – who neither feels threatened by my words nor makes me feel threatened – that’s a rare gift.
Perhaps it gets easier as we age. We have less to lose. Our reputations, our egos, will not be shattered by what we may hear. Perhaps that’s a gift that grandparents can offer grandchildren.
I’ve kept a journal for 40 years. No one but me has ever read it. But I can unload into that journal more honestly than I can to any living human. My journal has been a kind of “eternal listener” for me.
Maybe, all these years, I haven’t been writing those words to myself after all. Maybe that journal was a way of opening myself to the ultimate listener.

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Joan Taylor of Lake Country, BC, noticed this unique greeting. “Merry Christmas and a Happy New Rear.”
Joan, maybe it was for people who needed a replacement after having unsuccessfully protected it all year.

Fred Unruh noticed this in a newsletter. “We have the vision of church(es) acquiring a small apartment building with ready access to one of our universities/colleges where students would lie in community.”

Evelyn McLachlan was reading some minutes of a meeting where it said, “Committee stared filling out MEPS 403 JN form.” In a revised set of minutes the secretary sent out, she commented "Staring was probably what we were doing by this time in the meeting!"

Velia Watts of Edmonton, Alberta says this was a sign in a church somewhere. “After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.”

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – The ornaments of a house are friends who frequent it.
Ralph Waldo Emerson via Mary in Oman

Our lives improve only when we take chances – and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.
Walter Anderson via Jim Taylor

War will exist until that distant day when the conscientious objector enjoys the same reputation and prestige as the warrior does today.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy via Jim Taylor

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We Get Letters – Vern Ratzlaff wants to know – “Did you hear about the dyslexic evil-spirit worshipper? He tried to sell is soul to Santa.”

Steve Warren of Guildford, Western Australia is having an identity crisis. Of sorts. “I typed ‘pastoring’ into a document in my computer, but Spell-check didn’t like it. As alternatives, it offered ‘pasturing’, ‘pestering’ and ‘posturing.’ A sobering thought for those of us in ministry?”
Steve, I think I know how you feel. Last night was trying to put my own picture into a little calendar I put together for the family at Christmas. It kept saying “File contains invalid data.” I’m trying not to take it personally.

Wayne Seybert in Longmont, Colorado writes about our item last week on Christmas shopping. “But there is one more thing we need to buy. Common sense. If you know where it’s for sale please let me know. I am about to run out.”
Wayne goes on to add a bit of deep wisdom. “What is the height of humility? Saying grace before eating crow!”

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Fruit Cake!”)
Nancy Thorne of Bristol, England sends along this delightful recipe for Christmas fruit cake.
Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 tsp salt
juice 1 lemon
2 cups dried fruit
8 oz nuts
1 cup sugar
1 cup brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 tsp baking soda
1 bottle whisky

Method:
Sample whisky to check its quality.
* Take a large bowl.
* Recheck the whisky to ensure it is of the highest quality.
* Pour one level cup and drink.
* Turn on the electric mixer and beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
* Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
* Make sure the whisky is still okay and cry another tup.
* Turn off the mixerer.
* Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the dried fruit.
* Mix on the turner and if the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
* Sample the whisky to test for tonisisticity.
* Next sift two cups of salt, or something. Who cares?
* Check the whisky.
* Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
* Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
* Then grease the oven and turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
* Don't forget to beat off the turner.
* Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

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Bottom of the Barrel – I’m really wary of ethnic jokes, but this one, sent by John Severson, seems innocent and appropriate to the season.

It was a romantic full moon. Pedro said, “Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu.”
“Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!” said Rosita.
“Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time,” Pedro begged.
“But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.” replied Rosita.
“Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.”
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, “OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu.”
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang. “Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!”

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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Preachng Materials for December 21st, 3008

R U M O R S # 532
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-12-14

December 14, 2008

CHRISTMAS AND COMMUNITY
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Christmas giving isn’t about loading down people with expensive junk. It’s about expressing care, concern, love, community. So if you know someone who might find Rumors enjoyable or useful, ask them if you can subscribe them to Rumors. If they say “yes,” send me their e-mail address and I’ll sign them up. But please ask them first.
In the meantime, from Jim and me, may you have a blessed Advent!

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The Story – inside Christmas
Rumors – community
Soft Edges – three cheers for volunteers
Good Stuff – Christmas shopping
Bloopers – underwear on the tree
We Get Letters – occasional lapses
Mirabile Dictu! – p/e ratio
Bottom of the Barrel – air conditioners
Reader’s Theatre – different ways of hearing the truth
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – Lynn Johnson’s delightful cartoons often have more than a laugh.
A year or more ago, she had young Michael is all dressed up. The family goes to church. They hear the minister talking about a season of rejoicing and warmth.
On the way out, Michael asks his mom, “Is church open every Sunday, mom?”
“Yes, Michael.”
“Then how come we only come twice a year?”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, December 21, which is the Fourth Sunday of Advent.
The readings from the Revised Common Lectionary are:

II Sam. 7:1-11, 16

Luke 1:47-55 (or Ps. 89:1-4, 19-26) – paraphrased by Jim Taylor

Mary's–and perhaps every woman's–song of pregnancy.
47 My body bulges with new life;
the joy of it shines in my face.
48 For so long I have longed for this child.
Year after year, I felt I failed;
I was the most miserable of women.
But now everyone smiles at me; they congratulate me;
I'm so happy!
49 Now I know that prayers can be answered;
50 now I know that the deepest longings of the heart can take flesh.
51 I will be the best mother there ever was!
You don't have to be rich or famous to nurture new life;
you don't need big houses or expensive nannies–
you need love.
52 The most important person in the world lives inside me;
my unborn child matters more than prime ministers or presidents.
53 I feed my child with my own life blood;
I will nurse it with the milk of my own body.
No one else in all the world, no matter how rich or powerful, enjoys that privilege.
54 I care for my child the way I know God cares for me.
55 As the child lives in my womb, so I live in the womb of God.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

Romans 16:25-27

Luke 1:26-38

The Alternate readings we propose for this Sunday are:
John 1:1-5 and Luke 2:1-19
Note: A “Reader’s Theatre” version of these readings may be found below, just before the technical stuff.

Ralph says:
Over the last few years, Bev and I have collected a dozen or so video tapes of classic Christmas programs. Today we watched Jessye Norman singing a program of carols from Ely Cathedral. Yesterday, it was Christmas in Wales – a traditional rendering of the service of carols and lessons, plus a few readings from classics such as “A Child’s Christmas in Wales” by Dylan Thomas.
I knew every one of those carols, and most of the readings “by heart.” And I use that term, “by heart” because it is much more than simple memorization.
If I dig a little deeper, I find the old German carols we sang around the piano and in school in the tiny Mennonite community of Horndean in Manitoba. “Ihr Kinderlein kommet” (Come Little Children), “O du fröliche” (O You Happy Ones) and of course, “Stille Nacht” (Silent Night). Many others. They float around in that warm soup of semi-consciousness that is me.
I’m not claiming any kind of superiority to that potpourri of tradition. No more than I would argue that my children and grandchildren are more wonderful than yours even though I think mine are phenomenally fine.
I know there are many who go searching other traditions – spiritual and philosophical traditions – to find a way of being that makes more sense. I don’t quarrel with that.
But the older I get, the more I feel my roots deep in a tradition that feeds me – gives me strength – gives me a sense of place and of meaning. Most importantly, it provides a way – a language – a mythology through which I can worship a God of justice and love.
And that’s why I need to hear those familiar words all over again this Christmas.

Jim Taylor sent along two “blurbs” as comments on the alternate lectionary readings. He wanted me to choose the one I liked best. But I liked both. In any case, the first one is a comment on the John passage, and the second relates to Luke.

Jim says:
For me, the question is whether I play with God’s Word, or God’s logos – the English, or the Greek? Because the intent loses something in translation. The Greek logos was the creative principle behind the universe – like superstring theory, perhaps – but by the time it comes down to English, it’s more like God spoke and poof! the universe came into being.
Shades of Cinderella’s fairy godmother...
And yet to try explaining the original intent of the logos is likely to cure insomnia. So I’ll stick with “the Word.”
Perhaps a little word game – print up a few words, large, and ask people for their definition of those words. Some simple words, easy to define. And some that look simple, until you realize they have multiple meanings and pronunciations: bow, mold, object, sanction, fast...
If ordinary words have different meanings for different people, why should we expect everyone to have the same understanding of The Word, the whole complex personality of God revealed in a human being?
And was that whole personality there in full from the moment of birth? Or did it develop? Did Jesus learn?
This sermon will probably turn into a lot of questions. And perhaps it should, as we struggle to fathom the mystery and the miracle of an embodied God. Perhaps we should approach Jesus more with questions than with certainty.

Jim says:
As Christmas pageants and carols present the oh-so-familiar sugar-coated images of squeaky-clean mangers and bathrobed shepherds, perhaps it’s time for a dose of reality.
Like Buckley’s Cough Syrup, it will probably taste terrible, but it might be good for us.
I’d start with Mary. She’s almost nine months pregnant. She has to travel 120 kilometres, about 75 miles, to a strange place. The Bible doesn’t actually say anything about a donkey – that’s another of our sentimentalizations – so she may have had to walk the whole distance. And even if she did ride, how many women in your congregation would welcome bouncing along on a donkey’s bony back when they’re ready to deliver?
Then there’s the birth. All sweetness and light. “How silently, how silently, the wondrous gift is given” – no woman wrote those lines! Mary’s a teenager. Her first birth. You can bet your life it wasn’t silent!
The stable? Piled high in dung.
And where did we get the idea that shepherds and Magi had all the time in the world to troop into town to see a baby? When I retired, I thought I would have lots of spare time. Hah! Work expands to fill the time available (I think that’s one of Murphy’s laws) and all though history, people have had all their time occupied in eking out a living. It would take some powerful motivation for those shepherds to leave their sheep unattended in the wild.
And yet... and yet... Perhaps that’s my theme – despite everything, somehow, the miracle happened. God ignored all the things that could go wrong, and came among us.
Thanks be to God.

There’s some useful children’s stories in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” both years A & B. Year A has a children’s version of John’s logos (John 1:1-14) on page 37. Year B has a story based on the Magnificat on page 28 and on Luke’s Christmas narrative (Luke 2:1-7) on page 30.
The “Lectionary Story Bible” is a series of three volumes representing probably the largest collection of children’s Bible stories anywhere. Volumes A and B are published and available. I’ve written volume C and Margaret Kyle is working on her delightful and powerful pictures to go with the stories. It’ll be published this spring.
Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod

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Rumors – After writing the blurb above about the scripture readings, this little essay came to mind. I wrote it a couple of decades ago when Bev was the minister at Winfield, a community just north of where we live now. It seemed to say what I needed to say.

They packed the hall on Sunday night. Every chair we had was set up, and people stood around the edges. It was a celebration of Christmas and a celebration of community.
The Elementary School choir got us off to a happy start with a set of rollicking songs
Tanya blushed and Chris boomed their way through solo parts. And by the time they were finished we all knew exactly why we had come.
Then the Grade Three choir lisped their way through a clutch of carols, and the Junior Choir from the church bounced us through a couple of snappy Christmas hymns.
Diane directed the choir with everything she was, from her toe nails to her hair follicles. It showed in her shoulders, in her hips and the sway of her head. I kept wishing I could see her face. The kids could, and her enthusiasm reflected in their eyes.
There were no spectators. These were our kids, our family, our friends, our neighbors. And even though we weren’t on stage, emotionally at least, we were participants.
We felt even worse than Tony did when his music fell off the piano and he had to start all over again. And when the Grade Three choir got a bit mixed up in their story of Silent Night we struggled as hard as they to get the thing together again.
That’s what community means. Feeling the pain when things go wrong, and shouting together when things go right. And celebrating both.
There wasn’t a thing in that program that was good enough for television. In fact, if you squeezed it through the wires and transistors of a television transmission, all the juice would have been lost and you’d have had nothing but a badly done amateur hour.
Come to think of it though, the evening was really much too good for television. We’d been brought together by the love that’s there in the middle of Christmas. And though we came from different religious traditions, or none at all, we were all there because we cared about somebody else; somebody who was playing or singing or reading.
And caring about somebody else is somewhere near the heart of Christmas.

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Three Cheers for Volunteers
This time of year, the charities come out in force. CHBC’s Mike Roberts’ and the Good News Bears collect for the valley’s food banks. CBC Radio One does the same province-wide. Salvation Army kettles jingle. The regional newspaper has its “Be and Angel” campaign, and the United Way struggles for recognition.
I’m not against giving money. (The accountant Joan and I use tells us we’re too generous already.)
But I think there’s something even more valuable than money. It’s time.
At a meeting of the Directors of the Lake Country Museum, archivist Sonja MacCrimmon pleaded with us to record our volunteer hours. Sonja is addicted to information the way other people are addicted to chocolate.
We estimated that volunteers put in close to 3,000 hours a year, on everything from carpentry to computer data entry.
I started thinking about other organizations that depend on volunteers. The local Rotary, Lions, and Kiwanis clubs, for example. The Boys’ and Girls’ Club, providing recreational opportunities for kids. The many helpers at the local food bank. All the people who coach soccer and hockey teams. The volunteer firefighters, who abandon their own birthday parties and turkey dinners to risk their lives putting out someone else’s kitchen blaze. Scouts and Guides. The citizen’s patrol, that supports the work of paid police officers.
Sure, if we all gave lots more money, we could probably hire people to do these jobs professionally.
But would we get the same level of personal attention?
If I’m down at heart, feeling blue, I’d rather have a visit from a concerned neighbour than from a trained professional – who knows all the right questions, but for whom I’m basically a case, a file number.
And then there are the churches. I have no way of knowing what happens at other churches. Big churches have staff teams. But smaller churches, like mine, rely almost totally on volunteers.
At my United Church, for example, a dozen women each give many hours every week to staff a thriving Thrift Shop.
And for what return? A group of us have been working on a short play, part of a service of carols and readings this coming Sunday evening. The cast and crew will have put in a total of around 250 hours of volunteer time when it happens.
All that – for a mere 15 minutes in the limelight.
Volunteers gain nothing but good will for their efforts.
None of this shows up in Canada’s Gross Domestic Product, the standard measure of national well-being. An economic index can only value services for which money changes hands. So the GDP ignores parents who stay home with children instead of pursuing professional careers, for example.
But economics is not everything. I’ll venture that volunteer contributions offer a more accurate index of a society’s quality of life than the GDP.
After all, which would you rather live in – a society where people do what they’re paid to do, or a society where people work together because they want to?

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Good Stuff – Christmas Shopping
This item, courtesy of Don Sandin. Unfortunately, we don’t know the name of the author.
I am flat broke from overspending at Christmas time. But I need to go shopping again soon because I am completely out of self-respect. I've said things I wish I could take back and I am not feeling too good about myself.
I also want to exchange a carton of self righteousness for an equal amount of humility. I hear that it is less expensive and wears well, and while I'm at it I'm going to check on tolerance and see if there is any available in my size.
I must remember to try to match my patience with the little I have left. My neighbor is loaded with it and it looks awfully good on her. I was told the same department has a repair shop for mending integrity. Mine has become frayed around the edges from too much compromising. If I don't get it refurbished soon, there won't be any left.
I almost forgot the most important thing of all – compassion. If I see some – no matter what the color, size or shape – I'm going to stock up heavily regardless of the price. I have run out of it so many times and I always feel ashamed when it happens.
I don't know why it has taken me so long to get around to shopping for these items. They don't cost nearly as much as some of the frivolous things I bought at Christmas time.
And I'll get a lot more satisfaction from them.
Yes, I'm going shopping today and I can leave my checkbook and credit cards at home! The things I'm looking for have no price-tags. What a joy!

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – This from Shirley Hollett of Labrador City, Newfoundland. “In Sunday’s announcements the minister was explaining the “Giving Tree” to the congregation. ‘This year the theme of our Giving Tree will be ‘Undercover Kids.’ Donations of children’s underwear, including shorts, panties, longjohns, undershirts, socks and tights may be placed on the tree. You may place your underwear on the tree next Sunday.’

Mark Brantley-Gearhart of Snyder, Texas noticed that the hymn was listed in the bulletin as "God, Tell It on the Mountain". So as the congregation chuckled, Mark told them, "Since God already told it on the mountain a long time ago, now it's our turn."

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – It behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshipping we are becoming:
Ralph Waldo Emerson via Jim Taylor

Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time. What we really want is for things to remain the same but get better. Sydney J Harris via Velia Watts

If, in the last few years, you haven't discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse. You may be dead. Gellett Burgess via Velia Watts

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We Get Letters – John Hatchard of Paihia, Bay of Islands, New Zealand writes: “The story about the philosophy prof assigning the question "Why" as the entire exam, reminded me of a story of ancient china written, I believe, by Edith Wharton. Candidates for the Imperial Civil Service were placed in individual cubicles, the doors closed and left to answer one question, "Write what you know". Until they had finished they were not allowed to leave their cubicle and food was passed under the door to them. I wondered how many died in their cubicles for being unable to complete their answer.

This doesn’t really belong in the letters section of Rumors. I don’t really know where to put it. Probably it should be put, as a cousin of mine used to say, “where the sun don’t shine,” but this is from Evelyn McLachlan who sends so much good stuff, I have to forgive her occasional lapses.
Q: Why did it take the Buddha forever to vacuum his sofa?
A: Because he didn't have any attachments.

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “P/E Ratio!”)
A lot of you have seen your stocks go down the tube in the last month or two. One of God’s gifts of grace when dealing with such things is the gift of laughter. So with that in mind, I offer this sent to me by Niel McRae.

Understanding Financial Jargon:
* Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
* Bear Market: A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.
* Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower.
* P/E Ratio: The percentage of investors losing bladder control as the market keeps crashing.
* Broker: What my broker has made me.
* Standard & Poor: Your life in a nutshell.
* Stock Analyst: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
* Financial Planner: A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
* Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.
* Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
* Yahoo: What you yell after selling stock to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
* Windows: What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.
* Institutional Investor: An investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
* Profit: An archaic word no longer in use

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Bottom of the Barrel – This from Arnold Chadney. I don’t think it’s anti-Jewish in any way. I hope not.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees inside, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner," on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.
So, now you know...!!!!

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Reader one: How did it all begin? Everything? The world? The universe? What was there, before there was something? Why is there something, instead of nothing?
Reader two: Those are questions big enough to give you a great whonking headache.
Reader one: And there are no proven answers.
Reader two: None?
Reader one: None. But there are good and useful responses. Thoughtful responses. Helpful responses.
Reader two: Such as?
Reader one: Such as the “Big Bang” theory. This is a scientific approach to the question. According to the Big Bang theory, the entire universe exploded from a tiny mass of material many billions of years ago.
Reader two: But if it’s just a theory, that means they haven’t proved it, right?
Reader one: Right. But it’s generally accepted in the scientific community. At the moment, there’s no way to prove it one way or the other. But that proof could be there before long.
Reader two: But we’re Christians, right? So we don’t believe that Big Bang theory. We believe the world was created in seven days, like it says in the Bible.
Reader one: We are Christians, and being Christians means we have a radical openness to truth, wherever it comes from. Truth comes in many ways. From the Bible. From science. Our God-given minds allow us to think scientifically and poetically. Through science and through art. Such truth is expressed differently, but it is one truth. What the Bible tells us about creation is true, but it’s not science. It is story. It is legend. Science can tell us what happened. The Bible helps us understand why it happened. What made it happen.
Reader two: You mean like looking at something from several different directions?
Reader one: Yes. Science and faith do not conflict. They are alternate ways of describing the same reality. The first books of the Bible are a story told in such a way that we may understand some really important things about creation. The first thing it tells us is that God is what made it happen. The first four words of the Bible are: “In the beginning, God. . .” The second thing it tells us is that “God looked at all that had been made, and behold, it was very good.” Very good!
Reader two: Just a minute. This is Christmas time, isn’t it? Aren’t we supposed to be telling about babies and shepherds and wise men?
Reader one: Christmas is about beginnings. About the beginning of a new way of God’s love entering our world. A new way of thinking about who we are and how we can live in peace and justice in our world. For instance, the Gospel of John has a Christmas story that goes right to the beginning. To the big bang.
Reader two: (THOUGHTFULLY) In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The Word was in the beginning with God. All things came into being through him, and without him not one thing came into being. What has come into being in the Word was life, and the life was the light of all people. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it.
Reader one: Sounds as if John was talking about the big bang!
Reader two: He was. John didn’t know it when he wrote that, but the Big Bang is what he was talking about.
Reader one: But aren’t there babies and shepherds and stuff.
Reader two: (SMILING) Yes, there are “babies an shepherds and stuff.” It a way of talking about beginnings. The same beginning John had in mind. The beginning of God becoming part of our lives in a radical, wild, wonderful way. Becoming part of our lives as a tiny, helpless baby. That’s the way Luke goes about describing beginnings. He tells a story that grew up in the early Christian Church – a story that tries in it’s own way to tell us why there is a world – a universe – and how God is part of all that.
Reader one: (SLIGHT PAUSE) In those days a decree went out from Emperor Augustus that all the world should be registered. This was the first registration and was taken while Quirinius was governor of Syria. All went to their own towns to be registered.
Reader two: Joseph also went from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to the city of David called Bethlehem, because he was descended from the house and family of David. He went to be registered with Mary, to whom he was engaged and who was expecting a child.
Reader one: While they were there, the time came for her to deliver her child. And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in bands of cloth, and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn.
Reader two: In that region there were shepherds living in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night. Then an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them:
Reader one: "Do not be afraid; for see – I am bringing you good news of great joy for all the people. To you is born this day in the city of David, a Savior, who is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign for you: you will find a child wrapped in bands of cloth and lying in a manger."
Reader two: And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God and saying:
Reader one: "Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace among those whom he favors!"
Reader two: When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another:
Reader one: "Let us go now to Bethlehem and see this thing that has taken place, which the Lord has made known to us."
Reader two: So they went with haste and found Mary and Joseph – and the child lying in the manger. When they saw this, they made known what had been told them about this child; and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds told them.
Reader one: But Mary treasured all these things and pondered them in her heart.
Reader two: (SLIGHT PAUSE) This is how God’s love comes to us. Through science – through careful, scholarly thought like the writer of John, and through stories of a baby’s birth.
Reader one: "Do not be afraid; for see – I am bringing you good news of great joy for all the people. To you is born this day in the city of David, a Savior, who is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign for you: you will find a child wrapped in bands of cloth and lying in a manger."
Reader two: Amen.

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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Preaching Materials for December 14th

R U M O R S # 531
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-12-07

December 7, 2008

THE MAGNIFICAT CELEBRATION
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there.
Thanks.

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The Story – a celebration of new life
Rumors – it’s about the incarnation
Soft Edges – uncomfortable eternity
Bloopers – sleepers awake
We Get Letters – a conversation starter
Mirabile Dictu! – living in Canada
Bottom of the Barrel – a choice
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – The church school children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.' Then a small voice room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, December 14th, if you are using the Revised Common Lectionary.
Isaiah 61:1-4, 8-11 Psalm 126 or Luke 1:47-55 I Thess. 5:16-24 John 1:6-8, 19-28

The Magnificat (Luke 1: 46-55) paraphrased by Jim Taylor
My body grows round with wonder;
my soul swells with thanksgiving.
For God has been so good to me;
God did not say, "She's just a girl."
Once I was a slip of a girl,
but now I am woman,
one who can bring forth new life.
In all generations, I am blessed.
How could anyone miss it –
this new life in me is divine.
It is holy.
God grants new life to all who have not lost a child's wonder;
they will be born again, and again, and again.
God watches over them;
God's fierce love fills predators with sudden fear.
The miracle of birth levels our human differences:
tough men become tenderly gentle,
learned professors blurt out baby talk,
even politicians fall silent in awe.
But the small and helpless are wrapped warmly in soft blankets;
they are held lovingly in caring arms;
they drink their fill with eyes closed.
The rich, for all their wealth and status, can go suck lemons.
That is how God deals with all faithful people,
all who do not put their faith in themselves.
So God has always done,
so God will always do,
from Sarah's miracle, to mine.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

The Alternate Story Lectionary
Our suggested reading for Advent 3 is Luke 1:26-56, the story of the annunciation and Mary’s visit to Elizabeth. It is arranged as Reader’s Theatre near the end of Rumors. The reading for next Sunday, Advent 4, will be John 1:1-5, Luke 2:1-19.

Jim says:
So what do we have? In baldest terms, a young girl, betrothed but not yet married, pregnant, who flees from her home village to spend time with an aunt or great-aunt. Shades of the days when unmarried mothers-to-be were sent to relatives, or to a group home, to have their babies where they wouldn’t disgrace the family!
In Mary’s case, perhaps also to avoid being stoned for adultery.
Remember that not much more than a month ago, a 13-year-old Somali girl was stoned to death for adultery, although she had actually been viciously raped. If that can still happen after 2,000 years of supposed progress, imagine the likelihood of Mary getting a sympathetic hearing from her village patriarchs.
However it happened, the Magnificat records an incredible change of attitude. Instead of cowering in fear, Mary celebrates the new life forming within her. “All generations will call me blessed!” she exults.
Forget about exegeting the little details. The miracle is the change in Mary.
Although she said “Yes” at the Annunciation, that could be read as resignation to fate: “Well, if that’s the way you want it, okay...” But the Magnificat is anything but resigned. It’s an exuberant, joyful, celebration of a new life.
Mary has grown up. She’s not a little girl any more. And she ain’t never gonna be nobody’s patsy again.
So how do we rejoice? How do we celebrate significant rites of passage?
Probably not with Old-Testament-ish poetry. But whenever we genuinely celebrate our growth, we proclaim our own Magnificat. Hallelujah!

Ralph says:
We waste a lot of time and energy, and we miss the point, if we let ourselves get hung up on gynecological details. This is a story designed to hold a truth – that this Jesus wasn’t just a bright kid from the boonies who turned out to be a really popular preacher. And the Hebrew way of doing theology was to tell a story.
It’s true that miraculous birth stories were common in the Mediterranean culture of that era. That’s interesting, but not really relevant. The better question is – what was it about Jesus that made it necessary for people in the early church to tell this story? Was it simply their way of saying that Jesus was both human and divine?
Mary’s song has its roots in Hannah’s song (1 Samuel 2:1) and in singing it, Mary connects the birth of Jesus to the great line of Hebrew prophets. Whenever I hear the Magnificat, I remember an incident some 50 years ago where a Christian minister somewhere in Latin America, was arrested for reading this on the radio. The dictator of the country found this passage threatening, as well he might, especially the part about bringing down “the powerful from their thrones.”
But before we feel self-righteous over that, we might well wonder about verse 53 – how God has “filled the hungry with good things, and sent the rich away empty.” Most of us in the middle-class main-line churches would, by world standards, be classified as the rich, who get sent away empty.

The first two volumes of “The Lectionary Story Bible” have children’s versions of a number of the stories we tell in the Advent Season. Those using our alternate lectionary reading will find a story of the annunciation on page 26, Year B, and the story of Mary’s visit to Elizabeth on page 28. Another story of the annunciation, based more on Matthew’s version, may be found on page 35 of Year A.
If you don’t already own this valuable resource, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod

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Rumors – In the congregation where Bev and I worship, this third Sunday in Advent will be the children’s Christmas pageant. And I will be there, right in the front row, camera in hand, like several other grandparents. Except that my grandkids worship with their parents in another church about an hours drive away.
I don’t know what the kids are going to be doing, but whatever it is, it’ll be wonderful. Not because they are great actors and singers, but because they are children in our church family, and we love them.
I’ll be taking pictures (with a good digital camera you can take photos without a flash) because each Sunday I put pictures with each verse of every hymn we sing, as well as with many of the service elements.
Ours is an old church building not easily given to screens and projectors, but the creative people on our building committee put screens on either side of the chancel and projectors hung down from the ceiling. It fits right in. And the singing is much improved because folks raise their heads to sing rather than having their nose point at their toes and thereby constrict their vocal chords.
I believe in putting pictures with the words because it does some important things in our worship. Yes, it adds beauty and color. That’s important, but it’s not the main reason.
Whenever possible, and that’s most of the time, the images beside the projected words have a real connection with the words. It encourages people to actually think about the song they are singing – to connect the words to a reality they know.
So next year, when we sing “Angels We Have Heard on High,” the angels they see will not be the angels of stained glass windows, but children they recognize. Some will think, “Well, now, isn’t that cute!” But some will ponder more deeply about what we mean when we sing about angels.
Thirteen years ago, when my granddaughter Zoë was an infant, she was the baby Jesus in the crèche at their church. Over coffee after the service, a friend in that congregation wondered out loud whether that implied that every child is, in some sense, the Christ child. He wasn’t sure he liked that idea. I just smiled.
It’s all about incarnation. The Word becomes Flesh. The Word becomes alive – enfleshed (Is there such a word? My spell-checker doesn’t think so.) – or it remains an abstract, theological concept. Or a vague, warm fuzzie nostalgia bath.
I really don’t think God is desperately concerned that we get our theology right. I certainly don’t believe that if you get it wrong you will be deep-fried in perdition. But I believe that God wants us to fully sense – to connect in a profound and powerful way – the deep and life-fulfilling love which we act-out in the chancel each Christmas and which I try to visualize with my slides.
And then God calls us to live that love as faithfully as possible in every moment of our lives.

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Uncomfortable Eternity
Perhaps it’s the steady shortening of daylight here in the northern hemisphere. Perhaps it’s the pall of cloud that squats on the valley during November. Perhaps it’s the steady barrage of bad news – unwinnable wars in Iraq and Afghanistan; massacres in Africa; imploding stock markets in Toronto; exploding terrorism in Mumbai...
Whatever the cause, I find myself thinking that the dominant characteristic of humans is not that we have big brains or opposable thumbs, nor that we use tools and language, but that we can damage our world on a grander scale than any other species.
And I realize I’m not looking forward to eternity.
The Family Circus comic strip offered a conventional image of eternal life the other day – a benign grandfather, wearing a long nightshirt, gazing down from a cloud at his descendants.
It struck me that this reflected a very limited view of life – a family utterly insulated from events in the world around them.
Sure, I would love to watch as my grandchildren grow up, graduate, have their own families, make their mark on the world.
But why would I want to spend eternity watching the human species mess up again and again?
Because, after all, we who had become immortal would know how things should be done. We could look ahead to the consequences of greed and stupidity.
Of course, we’d also see countless daily acts of love and compassion, of thoughtfulness and generosity. But it takes only one contractor cutting corners on a school, one pulp mill poisoning a river system, one over-eager finger on the nuclear button, to render those kindly acts null and void.
I think I’d be just as relieved to say goodbye, to quit fretting, to have awareness end with death. I’d rather exit hoping my grandchildren’s generation would do better than my own, than watch helplessly while they made mistakes I can’t even imagine yet.
“In classical Judaism, this life is all there is,” rabbi Reuben Slonim used to lecture me. Mainstream Buddhism would agree.
The Indian poet Kabir – who, like Kahlil Gibran, refused to be captive to any one religion – wrote these lines 600 years ago:
Jump into experience while you are alive!
What you call “salvation”
belongs to the time before death….
E-mail correspondent Jim Henderschedt mused, “Our western Christian philosophy has us looking to the salvation that awaits us eventually. This mystic poet boldly suggests that salvation belongs to us before we die, to be enjoyed and claimed now.”
“This is dangerous thinking,” Jim continued. “It takes the wind out of the sails of that school of thought that claims we must be constantly reminded of our sinfulness...”
Whatever happens on the other side of death will happen – que sera sera. But here and now is where we can make a difference, for good or ill. Whatever we do, whatever we neglect to do, will send ripples far into the future. Even if we’re not there to see it.

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Mark Nicol writes: “Today in church our beloved minister announced to us in all seriousness that the hymn after the sermon would be ‘Sleepers' Awake’.”

Jean Dirk prepares the slides for projection at worship in her church in Medicine Hat, Alberta. She typed in the name of the anthem, “Jubilate, Sing Joyfully, except the “g” at the end of “sing” fell off the end of the screen.
Says Jean, “if we are determined to sin, it really ought to be a joyful experience.”

Vern Ratzlaff giggled at this in a bulletin. "The service will proceed unannounced. Please stand, sit, when indicted in your service leaflet."
Vern wonders, “Is this an example of spiritual conviction?”

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – If you give me an egg and I give you an egg, we each have one egg. If you give me an idea and I give you an idea, we each have two ideas.
West African proverb via Mark Nicol

There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in.
Graham Green

Let us endeavor so to live so that when we die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Mark Twain

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We Get Letters – Susan Price noted the stories about the philosophy prof assigning the question “Why” as the entire exam.
Susan remembers her high school years when she and some friends wore buttons that read, “Why?” “Why not?” and “Because!”
A great conversation starter.
Susan also remembers a button that read, “Herman Melville eats blubber.”

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Living in Canada!”)
This from Jim Spinks. He writes: “A Little Canadian Humor. Forget Rednecks. Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canucks.
* If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Canada.
* If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Canada.
* If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Canada.
* If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Canada.
* If 'vacation' means going anywhere south of Detroit for the weekend, you may live in Canada.
* If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada.
* If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Canada.
* If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Canada.
* If you can drive 90 km/hr through two feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada.
* If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Canada.
* If you carry jumpers in your car and both husband and wife how to use them, you may live in Canada.
* If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Canada.
* If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km, – you're going 90 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Canada.
* If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Canada.
* If you know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you may live in Canada.
* If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Canada.
* If you find two degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in Canada.
* If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Canadian friends you definitely live in Canada.

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Bottom of the Barrel – (Change the denominations in this one to suit yourself.)
A Baptist pastor and a Presbyterian minister were flying back from an ecumenical conference. “Would you like a drink, sir?” the flight-attendant asked the Presbyterian.
“Yes, thanks. I’ll have a scotch on the rocks.”
“Would you like a drink sir?” she asked the Baptist.
“Madam, I’d rather commit adultery than drink your liquor!”
“Wait a minute,” says the Presbyterian. “I didn’t know we had a choice!”

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Readers’ Theatre
For Advent 3: Luke 1:26-56

Reader one: How do you tell people that the leader you follow is someone extraordinary.
Reader two: Well, you hire a public relations firm, and they list all of your leader’s credentials – schools, awards, accomplishments.
Reader one: In the days of the Bible, there were no public relations firms. And the people of the early Christian Church wanted all the world to know the story of Jesus, and that he was the one God chose to come and live among us.
Reader two: You could get some big-name theologians or lawyers to put together a tightly reasoned case for why they think Jesus is the Messiah.
Reader one: True, but that’s also not way they did things in those days. You didn’t give folks a theological statement. You would tell a story. They didn’t care a whole lot whether this was history – whether things happened in exactly this way. They only cared if the story got across the point they were trying to make.
Reader two: So?
Reader one: So the people of the early church wanted to say something important about three people. They wanted us to know that Jesus really was sent by God. They wanted us to know that Mary was a courageous and faithful woman. And they wanted us to know that John the Baptist was the prophet God sent to announce the coming of the Messiah.
Reader two: So they concocted a story?
Reader one: No. They were not spin doctors. The story grew in the telling. These stories about Jesus were told and re-told for years before anybody wrote them down. And stories grow till they hold the precious meaning people want them to hold. The stories are true in the most profound way – they hold the meaning – the power. They hold a truth far deeper than mere history.
Reader two: So let’s hear the story.
Reader one: This is the story of the birth of Jesus, as told in the Gospel of Luke.

Reader two: In the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a town in Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin engaged to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. The virgin's name was Mary. This is what the angel said.
Reader one: "Greetings, favored one! The Lord is with you."
Reader two: But Mary was much perplexed by his words and pondered what sort of greeting this might be.
Reader one: "Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And now, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you will name him Jesus. He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Most High, and the Lord God will give to him the throne of his ancestor David. He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end."
Reader two: "How can this be, since I am a virgin?"
Reader one: "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the child to be born will be holy; he will be called Son of God. And now, your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son; and this is the sixth month for her who was said to be barren. For nothing will be impossible with God."
Reader two: "Here am I, the servant of the Lord. Let it be with me according to your word."
Reader one: In those days Mary set out and went with haste to a Judean town in the hill country, where she entered the house of Zechariah and greeted Elizabeth. When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the child leaped in her womb. And Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit.
Reader two: "Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb. And why has this happened to me, that the mother of my Lord comes to me? For as soon as I heard the sound of your greeting, the child in my womb leaped for joy. And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her by the Lord."
Reader one: Then Mary raised her voice, and sang an ancient song.
Reader two: "My soul magnifies the Lord,
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for God has looked with favor
on my lowliness – a servant.
Surely, from now on all generations
will call me blessed;
for the Mighty One has done great things for me,
and holy is God’s name.
The Mighty One’s mercy is for those who stand in awe,
from generation to generation.
God has shown strength and power;
and scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts.
God has brought down the powerful from their thrones,
and lifted up the lowly –
filled the hungry with good things,
and sent the rich away empty.
God has remembered the servant Israel,
according to the promise made to our ancestors,
to Abraham and Sarah and to their descendants forever."
Reader one: And Mary remained with her about three months and then returned to her home.

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