R U M O R S #512
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-07-27
July 27, 2008
TEACHING GRANDPA THEOLOGY
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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We’ve had a batch of folks suddenly not receiving Rumors. It almost always means a service provider has installed another level of spam filter. That means you’ve got to find out what it is that you need to do to ensure that Rumors (and other items you value) can get through.
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I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there.
Thanks.
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The Story Lectionary – a re-thinking
Revised Common Lectionary – there’s enough for all
Rumors – imaginative play
Soft Edges – liberals and conservatives
Bloopers – daily feud
Mirabile Dictu! – another study
Bottom of the Barrel – poetic justice
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – This from Don Sandin: A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately swept up to heaven. St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and says,
"Hello, Father, we've been waiting for you for a long time. Welcome to Heaven! You are very well known here, and as a special reward, because you are such a spiritual and holy man, we're going to grant you anything you wish even before you enter Heaven. What can I grant you?"
"Well," the priest says, "I've always been a great admirer of the Virgin Mother. I've always wanted to talk to her."
St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!
The priest is beside is himself, and he manages to say,
"Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours, and have studied everything I could about you and followed your life as best I could. I have studied every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I've noticed that you are always portrayed with a slightly sad look on your face. I have always, always wondered what it was that made you sad. Would you please tell me?"
"Honestly?" she asked, with a little pained grimace on her face. "Well.... I was really hoping for a girl."
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Story Lectionary – The Story Lectionary concept, as it is presently structured, isn’t working very well. Lots of people agree it’s a good idea. Very few actually use it. So like Fagan in “Oliver” “we are reviewing the situation.”
Stay tuned.
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, August 3, which is the 12th Sunday after Pentecost.
Genesis 32:22-31 –This is the key episode in the continuing drama of Jacob. For Jewish people, this is when they are named.
Jacob becomes Israel. Israel means, “one who wrestles with God.” At the heart of the Judeo-Christian tradition is this unique notion. Faith is a struggle. A wrestling match. God is not some autocratic big daddy up in the sky to whom we say, “Yes sir! How high sir?”
We wrestle with God, and in the process learn to know ourselves. This story gives us a good opportunity to think about the wrestling matches we’ve been avoiding – the truth about ourselves we’ve been running away from.
The great thing about this wrestling match: there is no loser. If God wins, we win. But always, if we have wrestled honestly and hard, we find ourselves, like Jacob, limping into our future.
Psalm 17:1-7, 15 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
I plead not guilty, Lord. Let me present my case.
Listen to what I have to say.
I tell the truth; my lips do not lie.
When you hear my story, you will know I am in the right;
You have the wisdom to see through any pretence.
Check up on me at any time, at any hour of the day or night.
Test me, and you will find me pure.
My words and my actions will prove my integrity.
As for what others do, well, do what you will with them!
But I have avoided their ways; I have walked the straight and narrow path.
I have not wandered away from the route you defined;
My feet have not strayed.
That's why I trust you to treat me justly, God.
Show me that I am right to depend on you.
You have a reputation for helping those who turn to you, who seek sanctuary from their enemies.
I rest my case.
I am satisfied that you will be fair.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Romans 9:1-5 – When the first Christians began to move beyond the Jewish community and some Gentiles were converted, they had to do some re-thinking. If God’s covenant was with the people of Israel, then what’s with all the “goyim” who suddenly claim they too are children of the promise?
This passage is Paul’s run at trying to understand this. It doesn’t seem much of a problem for us now, but in Paul’s day, it was a big issue. Perhaps the question for us is whether there are people for whom we have “sorrow and unceasing anguish” in our hearts.
Matthew 14:13-21 – Don’t try to explain this passage. Any speculation about whether or how this happened misses the point. This isn’t a report of an incident as much as it is a parable, and it makes three points.
It’s a parallel to the Lord’s Supper – reinforcing the metaphor of Jesus as “the bread of life.” Secondly, it parallels Moses’ manna in the wilderness, implying that Jesus is the new Moses. Third, there are 12 baskets of leftovers, enough for all the 12 tribes of Israel (or in Matthew and Mark, seven baskets for the seven Gentile nations).
We might add a fourth point. God’s gifts are abundant. There is enough in the world for everyone, all the media noise about a world food shortage notwithstanding. Everyone will eat, but only if nobody takes more than they need.
I’m still away from home. Sitting under a tree beside Okanagan Lake, if you must know. So I don’t have my handy bookshelf beside me, which means you are just going to have to find the appropriate pages in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A,” all by yourself.
If you don’t own that resource, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – In the summer I tend to browse around in the “barrel” for old stuff I can regurgitate. I am having an extreme case of laziness, lethargy, indolence, languor, sluggishness and slothfulness.
I found this piece from way back in another century. July of 1999 to be exact. It may or may not have any connection with this week’s lections. In fact I would strongly recommend that you not read any of this and go for a swim. Or a nap. Or whatever.
As the proverbial guy who can’t walk and chew gum, I find it a challenge sitting on the porch on a summer afternoon involved in Jake and Zoë’s imaginative play.
It’s hard enough when Jake is completely immersed in Star Wars, and asks me to be Darth Mall (or is that Maul?) whom I have never heard of. Nor do I know the technology of light sabers. Zoë meanwhile informs me with great seriousness that the two tall pine trees in her yard are her “modder” and “fodder,” which I eventually realize are not the same personages as her real live mom and dad. These are kings and queens and she is a “pincess” and she and I are about to get married.
So far I am managing. Just.
Then a long grass straw which had been a light saber in Jake’s hands suddenly winds up in his mouth and he becomes a farmer. Zoë’s mythical parents have become castles, and a fierce monster, a.k.a. Jake, is attacking us. Realizing that I am now in well over my head, I try to concentrate on Jake the farmer. I don’t know much about farming, but I know a lot more about that than about Star Wars. Jake tells me he is a farmer delivering milk.
“Where does the milk come from?” I ask, hoping to keep things in familiar territory.
“The store,” says Jake.
“Doesn’t the farmer get it from cows?” I ask.
Jake looks incredulous. “Grandpa, don’t be ridiculous!”
It’s nice to know there are some things about which I know more than Jake and Zoë. (Remind me to enjoy that while I can.) I’ve had six decades more of living, so I hope there’s something in my experience – my reality – that I can share with them. But there’s quite a gap sometimes between 5 and 65.
Jake and Zoë wander off and I’m left sitting there thinking about this “generation gap,” the 60 years of life that separate us. I delight in their imaginative play – I’m warmed by their wild leaps of fantasy. A healthy child’s imagination is surely one of the wonders of the world. Then, as so often happens when I’m with my grandkids, I wonder if being granddad is a little like being God.
Don’t get excited. What I’m saying is that being a granddad sometimes offers small, flashing insights into what God might be like. However, and this is a big “however,” if 60 human years separate my reality from that of Jake and Zoë, then a gap of 60 light years separate my pious imaginings from the reality of God.
And if I have trouble keeping track of the ever-changing imaginative flights of my grandchildren, does God have trouble keeping track of 22,000 constantly evolving Christian denominations, to say nothing of the ever-changing variations of Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, animists, New Age groups, etc., etc.?
Probably not. In fact, it just might be that God delights in our wild human imaginings much as I delight in the imaginary worlds of my grandchildren. It also might be that the gap between my grandchildren’s fantasies and my studied theology is minuscule compared to the gap between my theology and the mind of God.
That’s probably true and it probably doesn’t matter. The older I get (and the less I worry about being “right”) the more I hunch that all the extravagant plurality of our human religious expressions delight an infinitely loving and laughing (yes, and often crying too) creator God. So I am going to go back and watch Jake and Zoë a bit more to see if I can learn to hang loose with my pious and dreadfully orthodox religious imagination, and yet live my central convictions with the kind of intensity and delight I see in those two children.
Professors Zoë and Jake have a lot to teach their old grandpa.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Liberals and Conservatives
I have joked, in the past, that there are two kinds of Christians.
Liberals believe the Bible when they find it corroborated by science, academic research, or experience. Conservatives believe science, academic research, or their own experience only if they find it confirmed by the Bible.
Sometimes I think I came closer to reality than I intended.
So much depends on one’s definition of the terms liberal and conservative.
Unfortunately, the terms liberal and conservative also get tangled into politics, especially in the U.S.
As I understand it, the conservative right in the U.S. believes in church attendance every Sunday, capitalism, free markets, restrictive immigration, big corporations, the American way of life, tax cuts, personal wealth, and God.
The liberal left believes exactly the same things, but slightly less noisily.
Which makes the distinction between them perfectly clear. Doesn’t it?
To me, a liberal is open to new understandings – wherever they come from. Sometimes those new understandings will confirm the validity of a traditional doctrine or practice; sometimes they force a reassessment.
That does not mean throwing out the old concept – a presumption commonly made by conservatives. It merely requires viewing it through new lenses.
My definition of a conservative is one whose mind is made up, who doesn’t want to be confused by new facts. Faith is not a negotiable item.
But the former Anglican bishop of Kootenay Diocese, David Crawley, tossed off a definition that made me think again.
A liberal, said David, believes that all humans are basically good. Therefore humans will always choose the right path, if they just have the right education.
A conservative, he continued, believes that all humans are basically bad. They are born “fallen,” with a natural predilection towards evil. Therefore they need rules, to keep them on the right path.
I would normally consider myself a liberal. I honor and respect the Bible. I certainly don’t want to trash it, simply because I can find occasional contradictions or inconsistencies that reflect the culture of the times when it was written.
I believe that the traditions and doctrines of the Christian church are always open to re-interpretation – as we learn from science, psychology, experience, and other faiths.
As a self-professed liberal, I take my creed from the words of Jesus, “You shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
By David Crawley’s definition, though, I think I’m becoming a conservative.
The Internet offered a glorious opportunity for free communication. Instead, it seems to have been taken over by spammers and pornographers.
Big corporations hire platoons of lawyers and accountants to show them how to short-circuit the law. Corporate CEOs inflate their incomes as the firm nosedives.
Governments refuse to act on climate change; trawlers ravage depleted oceans; forest industries cut trees as if there was an endless supply...
All of these could do otherwise. They have the education, and the intelligence, to make other choices. But they don’t. They choose to pursue their own short-term goals. Just the way criminals do.
They lead me to despair.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff –
Zoë McNair (yes, my granddaughter) at the lunch table: “For health and strength and daily feud, we give you thanks O God.”
Adam Kegel of East New Market, Maryland says the sermon title announced in last week’s bulletin was, “You Shall Commit Adultery.”
from the file.
* We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.
* We are pleased to announce the installation of a second font in the back of the church, so that now babies can be baptized at both ends."
* We pray that our people will jumble themselves.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – Remember, if you suppress laughter, you'll end up with a hardening of the attitudes.
Michael Kerr via Velia Watts
Religious ritual is a way of putting jumper cables on people’s souls.
Rabbi Hillel Goelman
Kissing don’t last: cookery do!
George Meredith
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “another study!”)
The panicky world learns that a giant meteor will crash on earth's surface in 10 days and end it all.
Reaction?
* Roman Catholics: converge on Rome for solemn papal prayers.
* Episcopalians: stage one last cocktail party before the end.
* Lutherans: “ein deutsches Bierfest” for the same reason.
* Baptists: hold biggest revival in history for one last attempt to turn the whole world Baptist before the end, whether the world wants to or not.
* Methodists: organize small groups for heart-burning prayer and testimony.
* Quakers: sit quietly and await the end.
* Mormons: plunge into the Great Salt Lake in earth's biggest baptism-by-proxy ceremony.
* Presbyterians: appoint a committee to make a thorough study of the entire situation.
* United Church: commission a study booklet so all the congregations can discuss the issue. They are to report back in two years.
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Bottom of the Barrel – This is from Robert "Bob" Bates (MD Doctor of mirth) who lives in Florence, Massachusetts.
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for Scout Camp.
When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured.
“Oh dear,” she muttered to herself. “here is not time to bake another cake.”
This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of friends. So being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom – a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.
When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone and called her mom. Alice was horrified – she was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. Alice did not want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because she was a single parent and not from the founding families of Birmingham.
But, having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South but to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!
She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, 'What a beautiful cake!'
Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess say, “Thank you! I baked it myself!”
Alice sat back in her chair and smiled. “God is good.”
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
Preaching Materials for July 27, 2008
R U M O R S # 511
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-07-20
July 20th, 2008
A CLASSIC STORY
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there.
Thanks.
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The Story Lectionary – getting a laugh
Revised Common Lectionary – the ugly older sister
Rumors – I talk to God alot
Soft Edges – grieving and celebrating
Good Stuff – no more excuses
Bloopers – gracious hostility
We Get Letters – Noah and the adders
Mirabile Dictu! – Fresh Fruit Fortunes
Bottom of the Barrel – the football season
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler –The following note (or slight variations) usually turns up in someone’s
Sunday Bulletin in the warm days of summer.
Now it came to pass that, as the time of vacation drew near, a certain member of the church bethought him of cool streams, sandy beaches, and mountains, and this Christian’s wife spoke and said: “Thou must dig into thy purse and give to the Lord’s work in order that the cause of Christ may go forward, that the heart of the treasurer be made glad, and that it may be well with thee. For verily I say unto thee, thou hast more money now than thou wilt have when thou dost return.”
And the husband replied “Verily, thou art noble and wise among women.” And he did make his contribution for the summer, and the treasurer rejoiced greatly, saying “Of a truth, there are yet those among us concerned for the cause of Christ.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday,
Story Lectionary
Genesis 25:19-34 – This story appeared in the regular lectionary last Sunday (I know. That makes no sense. We’re working on it. Stay tuned.). And for the first time in years, I heard a lay lector actually get a good rolling laugh out of a line of scripture.
It was Eunice Easton, an educator who knows how stories work. She worked hard and rehearsed to make this reading an interesting and dramatic piece. Eunice got exactly the right intonation on verse 22. “If it is to be this way, why do I live?” And the congregation got it.
I celebrated and I ached, because so often, maybe even most of the time, the scripture sort of dribbles over the top of the pulpit or lectern and dies on the floor with only a string of words reaching the congregation. No meaning. No power. No story. Just words.
“Why is it,” I asked Eunice, “that when we invite someone to sing a solo in church, we ask someone who has a) some singing ability and/or b) is willing to take the work seriously enough to do some solid rehearsing?”
It is not true that a person who can read with reasonable fluency is capable of communicating scripture. It is nice to have a variety of people involved in the service, but we too often lose the scripture in the process.
http://www.story-lectionary.com
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Revised Common Lectionary
Genesis 29:15-18 – The saga of Jacob continues. This is the classic story of the ugly older sister who had to be married off before the younger, more beautiful sister could wed. There are many variations of this theme in other folk stories.
Don’t spend time analyzing the story. Just accept the story as it is and ask yourself who you identify with in that legend. For me the answer is easy. Leah. I always felt I was somewhat ugly as a child and a teenager. Especially in the years between 15 and 20, I was all arms, legs, and nose. So I had a bit of a sense of what Leah felt like. On the other hand, maybe you feel like Jacob.
Jacob had cheated Esau, now he gets to know what that feels like. And mostly he feels sorry for himself.
Psalm 105:1-11, 45b (or Psalm 128) – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Flying across the country overnight, you can sometimes see the light of dawn from the east spreading across the darkened lands below.
1 The still earth stirs to the touch of God;
Give thanks, give thanks to God.
Fresh light spills across the resting lands.
2 Waken the sleepers to share in the wonder;
Sing praises to the creator, all you people.
3 The glory of dawn rises over the horizon;
Our hearts rise in response.
4 Look, see how the wonders extend to the edge of the world;
Everywhere, the glory of God bursts into being.
5 Years may come, years may go,
But each new day is a miracle.
God watches over the world, from the east to the west,
And banishes the fears of darkness.
6 Yet this same God chooses to watch over us;
God has chosen us to watch over.
7 This is the wonder of the Lord our God:
The creator of the universe –
the ruler of earth, the life of the lands –
8 This God cares about us,
And about our children, and our children's children.
9 This God cared about our ancestors,
And our ancestors' ancestors,
Long before we ever existed.
Before we were aware of existence,
10 God made promises to us.
God will keep those promises.
11 God said, "I will give you this land.
Pass it on to your children,
And to your children's children."
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Romans 8:26-39 – If you’ve been to any funerals lately, you probably heard this passage read in the liturgy, especially: “Who will separate us from the love of Christ?” The passage is full of strong, ringing affirmations. Paul pulls out all the stops in the last few verses. This is not a passage that speaks to our reason. It speaks to our need and our faith. It speaks to our pain and fear. It can make the hair on the back of your neck stand up straight.
Or the whole passage can shrivel up and die if it’s droned out by a dull lector.
Matthew 13:31-33, 44-52 – A batch of parables. And mercifully, the folks who devised the lectionary don’t ask us to read the explanation. Parables and metaphors should never be explained.
I used the two little parables in verses 44 & 45 in the toast to the bride at my sisters wedding. The kind of courageous betting-the-whole-bundle is what they did in their marriage vows, and of course what we are all called to do in our own faith commitment.
About “The Lectionary Story Bible.” There are stories for children based on these lections but I can’t give you the title or the page number because I am doing this while on vacation and I didn’t bring a copy with me. But you can find them without any trouble. It’s all in order and indexed. If you don’t own a copy, click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.” “Year B” is now out, so you can order that at the same time.
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – The Jacob saga has so much stuff in it – so much of the reality of life.
In the tradition of the Aggada, rather than trying to explain a story (if a story, like a joke, needs explaining, it has failed) you tell another story. Here’s the story of Leah – the one with the bad eyes.
Yes, I know that newer translations tell us that the meaning is weak, and it might mean “weak eyes” or even “beautiful eyes,” but the story works best if Leah is the one with the bad eyes.
The story of...
Leah
"...I talk to God a lot."
from “Is This Your Idea of a Good Time, God?”
Wood Lake Books, 1990
I will never forget Jacob's eyes.
It had been a joyous night for me. Murmurs, gentle touch, contented sleep. His arm resting quietly under my head, his breath soft on my veiled cheek.
Just as the morning light brought its glow into our tent, Jacob woke, and looked at me. I saw tenderness and love in his dark eyes.
Then he lifted my veil and the look of love turned to disgust and anger.
"What the blazes?" Jacob yelled. "What are you doing here?"
I knew it would be like this. I told father and my brother Laban that it wouldn't work. Jacob would despise me. They wouldn't listen.
"It's your only chance," Laban said. "You're no spring chicken Leah, and you have those gawd-awful eyes, and if we don't get you married to Jacob you'll be an old maid. An old maid, Leah, who nobody wants and nobody cares about."
"No," I said. "It's not right."
"Leah," said Laban. "Your father and I have decided. You will wear a heavy veil, and we'll keep your sister Rachel hidden away, and we'll marry you off to Jacob. After a few glasses of wine, he won't know the difference. You have no say in the matter. Now shut up and do as you are told."
I did as I was told. A woman, especially an ugly woman, has no rights. But I couldn't help feeling like a piece of slightly tainted meat my brother and father were trying to sell some unsuspecting buyer.
But somehow, as father and Laban worked on the plan to trick Jacob, I began to fantasize that maybe Jacob might love me after all. Maybe, the wedding night would be a night of love, and he might at least not despise me. It was silly of course. But I don't have much to live on, except my fantasies.
Jacob stormed out of the tent that morning, as I guess I knew he would. And I could hear snippets of angry arguments from father's tent most of the next day. In the end, my father and Laban agreed that Jacob could marry Rachel too, but he'd have to work another seven years to pay for her, just as he had already worked seven years to pay for me, the ugly bride he didn't want.
I tried to be a good wife. When Jacob came into my tent to do his husband's duty, I tried so hard to be kind, to be gentle, to be loving. But I knew he never came to me in love.
I would have died, I think, except for God. I talked to God a lot. I cried a lot at night and in the tears I found some comfort. I complained about my eyes, grumbled about my lot in life and prayed that I could have the babies Jacob wanted. And they came, my little blessings. Beautiful boys. I thought that would make Jacob love me, but it didn't work. Maybe that's why I made those snooty remarks to my pretty younger sister. It was the only time in our whole lives when I had something and she didn't.
It took some years, some tears, and much prayer, before finally I told Rachel I was sorry. I'm glad were friends again. I was with her when she finally had a baby--little Joseph. But she was older now and older women have a hard time having babies. And when Benjamin was born--well Rachel gave her life to have that baby. It broke my heart to lose my sister, and it broke Jacob's heart to lose the woman he had loved so deeply and so long.
One night Jacob came to me to do his husband's duty. But instead we talked and talked and cried and laughed a little as we shared our grief. And for a little while at least, I knew that in a different kind of way, he loved me too.
And so I am content. I have my children. And Jacob has become, if not a husband then at least a friend. And I talk to God a lot.
I am content.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Grieving and Celebrating
Since I referred in passing to the death of my friend Carolynn Honor in last week’s column, I might as well continue.
Carolynn lived in Toronto. She died of cancer Sunday morning, July 6, one week short of her 72nd birthday. She was just six weeks older than me.
Joan and I flew to Toronto for her memorial service, last Wednesday. It was called “A Celebration for the Life of Carolynn Honor,” but there wasn’t one person there who felt like celebrating.
It’s often struck me that North American mainline Protestantism doesn’t trust emotions. At one extreme, we treat Pentecostal exuberance with suspicion. At the other extreme, we plan funerals to avoid any weeping, wailing, or gnashing of teeth.
Restrained sniffles are all right. Funeral chapels discreetly supply tissues to facilitate silent eye-dabbing. But whenever raw emotion breaks out, we hastily cover it with music, prayer, or well-intentioned words.
Other cultures are less repressed. They recognize that a death is painful. They provide for a public expression of grief. People gather to weep together for several days. They wear black for a week, a month, a year. They shave their heads, or lacerate their skin with knives.
And some places they just get drunk.
But we, unwilling to let go of our Calvinist-influenced obsession with remaining in rational control of ourselves, we call a time of mourning a “celebration.”
Every person at Carolynn’s service remembered her for something different. She was a sister, a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a mother-in-law... She was a patron, a friend, an employee, a colleague...
For me, I remember the unflinching honesty that she demanded of me -- and, I suspect, of everyone else. Perhaps it was her training as a psychiatric nurse, perhaps it was her personality, but nothing, literally nothing, was out of bounds. She would not tolerate vague half-answers, be it about one’s sex life, marital relationships, religious faith, finances, medical diagnoses...
She would accept an “I don’t know” only if she could see that I had first genuinely wrestled with her question, and truly could not explain why I like hiking, believe in God, or seem to prefer working alone.
Any attempts at equivocation, she carved up as if with a scalpel.
And therein lies the paradox. Because what I most celebrate about her life is exactly the same thing that I mourn my loss of. No one else puts me under the same ruthless microscope. No one else risks probing my soul, my psyche, as deeply as she did. Perhaps no one else trusts me enough to try it, trusts that our relationship will not be damaged if one of us has to squirm a little.
Maybe no one ever will again.
And so in that sense, a memorial service is indeed a “celebration of the life...” But the more we have to celebrate, the more painful the celebration becomes.
If we didn’t have anything to celebrate in a person’s life, we wouldn’t have anything to grieve, would we?
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Good Stuff – This from Jim Spinks.
The next time you feel like God can't use you, just remember...
* Noah was a drunk
* Abraham was too old
* Isaac was a daydreamer
* Jacob was a liar
* Leah was ugly
* Joseph was abused
* Moses had a stuttering problem
* Gideon was afraid
* Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
* Rahab was a harlot
* Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
* David had an affair and was a murderer
* Elijah was suicidal
* Isaiah preached naked
* Jonah ran from God
* Naomi was a widow
* Job went bankrupt
* Peter denied Christ
* The Disciples fell asleep while praying
* Martha worried about everything
* The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
* Zaccheus was too small
* Paul had a “thorn in the flesh”
* Timothy had an ulcer
* Lazarus was dead
Now! No more excuses! God can use you to your full potential.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – It’s summer and people don’t make mistakes in bulletin typing, especially those who are filling in. So these are from the file.
* The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
* The Communications Committee will assist with the mailing of the newsletter and the stapling of the Annual Report to congregational members.
* The concert was a great success. Special thanks are due to the rector's daughter who labored the whole evening at the piano which as usual fell upon her.'
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – “Amen” at the end of a prayer is like hitting the “send” button on your cell phone.
Rabbi Hillel Goldman
Unreasonable people are those who expect the world to adapt to their needs. Reasonable people adapt themselves to suit the world. Therefore all progress depends upon unreasonable people.
George Bernard Shaw
How else but through a broken heart may Lord Christ enter in?
Oscar Wilde
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We Get Letters – Brenda Grant of Okanogan, Washington, Ann Pollock who lives in Castlegar, British Columbia, and Ruth Dudley who lives somewhere else, came to the same remarkable conclusion after deep and scholarly study of the scriptures. They revealed that “Noah took the snakes to the kitchen and placed them on the big wooden kitchen table. Procreation begins promptly. “That’s because, as mathematicians and engineers (and all other logarithm enthusiasts) all over the world know, Adders can only multiply on a log table.”
Ruth added the comment that only those who are short of breath and long of tooth will understand what she and Brenda are talking about.
Dave Towers wonders “why Noah didn't slap those two mosquitoes when he had the chance. Probably could have saved many of us from breaking one of the ten commandments (taking God’s name in vain).”
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Fresh Fruit Fortunes!”)
Boobalack (aka Lettie Fisher of Chickasha, Oklahoma) took the Ice-Cream Personality Test featured in last week’s Rumors. In a flash of blinding light and ethereal music – she would have fallen off her horse in the tradition of St. Paul, but she wasn’t on a horse so she couldn’t really fall off a horse she wasn’t on because you have to be on a horse to fall off a horse which is why she didn’t fall off a horse even though she was quite willing to fall off a horse if someone was willing to provide a horse she could fall off of – Boobalack had revealed to her that she is a person who likes Personality Tests.
So she offers an alternate to the Ice Cream test. This one claims 100% accuracy. Here’s how it goes.
In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits on it.
They are:
a. Appleb. Bananac. Strawberryd. Peache. Orange
Which fruit will you choose? Please think very carefully and don't rush into it. This test reveals your innermost angst, your weltensmertz (sp?), your inner id, your anxious ego. To make sure you don’t glance down and spoil everything, I’ve put the answers at the very end of Rumors – down below all that boring technical stuff.
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Bottom of the Barrel – It was the beginning of the football season in Canada – they start it in July so they get to play a few games before the country freezes over.
The worship service had moved on to the place where they normally took the offering.
The minister, being a strong sports enthusiast, dug deep into his pocket, pulled out a quarter and flipped it into the air. As it landed on the floor, in his best referee voice with great joy he shouted “The ushers ... will receive!”
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Here’s the response to the Personality Test.
If you have chosen:
a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples.b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas.c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries.d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches.e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges.
Your new self-knowledge should bring you peace, joy, love, happiness, health, wealth, freedom from zits on your backside, and a beatific look when you go through the produce section at the supermarket.
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Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-07-20
July 20th, 2008
A CLASSIC STORY
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there.
Thanks.
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The Story Lectionary – getting a laugh
Revised Common Lectionary – the ugly older sister
Rumors – I talk to God alot
Soft Edges – grieving and celebrating
Good Stuff – no more excuses
Bloopers – gracious hostility
We Get Letters – Noah and the adders
Mirabile Dictu! – Fresh Fruit Fortunes
Bottom of the Barrel – the football season
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler –The following note (or slight variations) usually turns up in someone’s
Sunday Bulletin in the warm days of summer.
Now it came to pass that, as the time of vacation drew near, a certain member of the church bethought him of cool streams, sandy beaches, and mountains, and this Christian’s wife spoke and said: “Thou must dig into thy purse and give to the Lord’s work in order that the cause of Christ may go forward, that the heart of the treasurer be made glad, and that it may be well with thee. For verily I say unto thee, thou hast more money now than thou wilt have when thou dost return.”
And the husband replied “Verily, thou art noble and wise among women.” And he did make his contribution for the summer, and the treasurer rejoiced greatly, saying “Of a truth, there are yet those among us concerned for the cause of Christ.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday,
Story Lectionary
Genesis 25:19-34 – This story appeared in the regular lectionary last Sunday (I know. That makes no sense. We’re working on it. Stay tuned.). And for the first time in years, I heard a lay lector actually get a good rolling laugh out of a line of scripture.
It was Eunice Easton, an educator who knows how stories work. She worked hard and rehearsed to make this reading an interesting and dramatic piece. Eunice got exactly the right intonation on verse 22. “If it is to be this way, why do I live?” And the congregation got it.
I celebrated and I ached, because so often, maybe even most of the time, the scripture sort of dribbles over the top of the pulpit or lectern and dies on the floor with only a string of words reaching the congregation. No meaning. No power. No story. Just words.
“Why is it,” I asked Eunice, “that when we invite someone to sing a solo in church, we ask someone who has a) some singing ability and/or b) is willing to take the work seriously enough to do some solid rehearsing?”
It is not true that a person who can read with reasonable fluency is capable of communicating scripture. It is nice to have a variety of people involved in the service, but we too often lose the scripture in the process.
http://www.story-lectionary.com
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Revised Common Lectionary
Genesis 29:15-18 – The saga of Jacob continues. This is the classic story of the ugly older sister who had to be married off before the younger, more beautiful sister could wed. There are many variations of this theme in other folk stories.
Don’t spend time analyzing the story. Just accept the story as it is and ask yourself who you identify with in that legend. For me the answer is easy. Leah. I always felt I was somewhat ugly as a child and a teenager. Especially in the years between 15 and 20, I was all arms, legs, and nose. So I had a bit of a sense of what Leah felt like. On the other hand, maybe you feel like Jacob.
Jacob had cheated Esau, now he gets to know what that feels like. And mostly he feels sorry for himself.
Psalm 105:1-11, 45b (or Psalm 128) – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Flying across the country overnight, you can sometimes see the light of dawn from the east spreading across the darkened lands below.
1 The still earth stirs to the touch of God;
Give thanks, give thanks to God.
Fresh light spills across the resting lands.
2 Waken the sleepers to share in the wonder;
Sing praises to the creator, all you people.
3 The glory of dawn rises over the horizon;
Our hearts rise in response.
4 Look, see how the wonders extend to the edge of the world;
Everywhere, the glory of God bursts into being.
5 Years may come, years may go,
But each new day is a miracle.
God watches over the world, from the east to the west,
And banishes the fears of darkness.
6 Yet this same God chooses to watch over us;
God has chosen us to watch over.
7 This is the wonder of the Lord our God:
The creator of the universe –
the ruler of earth, the life of the lands –
8 This God cares about us,
And about our children, and our children's children.
9 This God cared about our ancestors,
And our ancestors' ancestors,
Long before we ever existed.
Before we were aware of existence,
10 God made promises to us.
God will keep those promises.
11 God said, "I will give you this land.
Pass it on to your children,
And to your children's children."
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Romans 8:26-39 – If you’ve been to any funerals lately, you probably heard this passage read in the liturgy, especially: “Who will separate us from the love of Christ?” The passage is full of strong, ringing affirmations. Paul pulls out all the stops in the last few verses. This is not a passage that speaks to our reason. It speaks to our need and our faith. It speaks to our pain and fear. It can make the hair on the back of your neck stand up straight.
Or the whole passage can shrivel up and die if it’s droned out by a dull lector.
Matthew 13:31-33, 44-52 – A batch of parables. And mercifully, the folks who devised the lectionary don’t ask us to read the explanation. Parables and metaphors should never be explained.
I used the two little parables in verses 44 & 45 in the toast to the bride at my sisters wedding. The kind of courageous betting-the-whole-bundle is what they did in their marriage vows, and of course what we are all called to do in our own faith commitment.
About “The Lectionary Story Bible.” There are stories for children based on these lections but I can’t give you the title or the page number because I am doing this while on vacation and I didn’t bring a copy with me. But you can find them without any trouble. It’s all in order and indexed. If you don’t own a copy, click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.” “Year B” is now out, so you can order that at the same time.
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – The Jacob saga has so much stuff in it – so much of the reality of life.
In the tradition of the Aggada, rather than trying to explain a story (if a story, like a joke, needs explaining, it has failed) you tell another story. Here’s the story of Leah – the one with the bad eyes.
Yes, I know that newer translations tell us that the meaning is weak, and it might mean “weak eyes” or even “beautiful eyes,” but the story works best if Leah is the one with the bad eyes.
The story of...
Leah
"...I talk to God a lot."
from “Is This Your Idea of a Good Time, God?”
Wood Lake Books, 1990
I will never forget Jacob's eyes.
It had been a joyous night for me. Murmurs, gentle touch, contented sleep. His arm resting quietly under my head, his breath soft on my veiled cheek.
Just as the morning light brought its glow into our tent, Jacob woke, and looked at me. I saw tenderness and love in his dark eyes.
Then he lifted my veil and the look of love turned to disgust and anger.
"What the blazes?" Jacob yelled. "What are you doing here?"
I knew it would be like this. I told father and my brother Laban that it wouldn't work. Jacob would despise me. They wouldn't listen.
"It's your only chance," Laban said. "You're no spring chicken Leah, and you have those gawd-awful eyes, and if we don't get you married to Jacob you'll be an old maid. An old maid, Leah, who nobody wants and nobody cares about."
"No," I said. "It's not right."
"Leah," said Laban. "Your father and I have decided. You will wear a heavy veil, and we'll keep your sister Rachel hidden away, and we'll marry you off to Jacob. After a few glasses of wine, he won't know the difference. You have no say in the matter. Now shut up and do as you are told."
I did as I was told. A woman, especially an ugly woman, has no rights. But I couldn't help feeling like a piece of slightly tainted meat my brother and father were trying to sell some unsuspecting buyer.
But somehow, as father and Laban worked on the plan to trick Jacob, I began to fantasize that maybe Jacob might love me after all. Maybe, the wedding night would be a night of love, and he might at least not despise me. It was silly of course. But I don't have much to live on, except my fantasies.
Jacob stormed out of the tent that morning, as I guess I knew he would. And I could hear snippets of angry arguments from father's tent most of the next day. In the end, my father and Laban agreed that Jacob could marry Rachel too, but he'd have to work another seven years to pay for her, just as he had already worked seven years to pay for me, the ugly bride he didn't want.
I tried to be a good wife. When Jacob came into my tent to do his husband's duty, I tried so hard to be kind, to be gentle, to be loving. But I knew he never came to me in love.
I would have died, I think, except for God. I talked to God a lot. I cried a lot at night and in the tears I found some comfort. I complained about my eyes, grumbled about my lot in life and prayed that I could have the babies Jacob wanted. And they came, my little blessings. Beautiful boys. I thought that would make Jacob love me, but it didn't work. Maybe that's why I made those snooty remarks to my pretty younger sister. It was the only time in our whole lives when I had something and she didn't.
It took some years, some tears, and much prayer, before finally I told Rachel I was sorry. I'm glad were friends again. I was with her when she finally had a baby--little Joseph. But she was older now and older women have a hard time having babies. And when Benjamin was born--well Rachel gave her life to have that baby. It broke my heart to lose my sister, and it broke Jacob's heart to lose the woman he had loved so deeply and so long.
One night Jacob came to me to do his husband's duty. But instead we talked and talked and cried and laughed a little as we shared our grief. And for a little while at least, I knew that in a different kind of way, he loved me too.
And so I am content. I have my children. And Jacob has become, if not a husband then at least a friend. And I talk to God a lot.
I am content.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Grieving and Celebrating
Since I referred in passing to the death of my friend Carolynn Honor in last week’s column, I might as well continue.
Carolynn lived in Toronto. She died of cancer Sunday morning, July 6, one week short of her 72nd birthday. She was just six weeks older than me.
Joan and I flew to Toronto for her memorial service, last Wednesday. It was called “A Celebration for the Life of Carolynn Honor,” but there wasn’t one person there who felt like celebrating.
It’s often struck me that North American mainline Protestantism doesn’t trust emotions. At one extreme, we treat Pentecostal exuberance with suspicion. At the other extreme, we plan funerals to avoid any weeping, wailing, or gnashing of teeth.
Restrained sniffles are all right. Funeral chapels discreetly supply tissues to facilitate silent eye-dabbing. But whenever raw emotion breaks out, we hastily cover it with music, prayer, or well-intentioned words.
Other cultures are less repressed. They recognize that a death is painful. They provide for a public expression of grief. People gather to weep together for several days. They wear black for a week, a month, a year. They shave their heads, or lacerate their skin with knives.
And some places they just get drunk.
But we, unwilling to let go of our Calvinist-influenced obsession with remaining in rational control of ourselves, we call a time of mourning a “celebration.”
Every person at Carolynn’s service remembered her for something different. She was a sister, a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a mother-in-law... She was a patron, a friend, an employee, a colleague...
For me, I remember the unflinching honesty that she demanded of me -- and, I suspect, of everyone else. Perhaps it was her training as a psychiatric nurse, perhaps it was her personality, but nothing, literally nothing, was out of bounds. She would not tolerate vague half-answers, be it about one’s sex life, marital relationships, religious faith, finances, medical diagnoses...
She would accept an “I don’t know” only if she could see that I had first genuinely wrestled with her question, and truly could not explain why I like hiking, believe in God, or seem to prefer working alone.
Any attempts at equivocation, she carved up as if with a scalpel.
And therein lies the paradox. Because what I most celebrate about her life is exactly the same thing that I mourn my loss of. No one else puts me under the same ruthless microscope. No one else risks probing my soul, my psyche, as deeply as she did. Perhaps no one else trusts me enough to try it, trusts that our relationship will not be damaged if one of us has to squirm a little.
Maybe no one ever will again.
And so in that sense, a memorial service is indeed a “celebration of the life...” But the more we have to celebrate, the more painful the celebration becomes.
If we didn’t have anything to celebrate in a person’s life, we wouldn’t have anything to grieve, would we?
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Good Stuff – This from Jim Spinks.
The next time you feel like God can't use you, just remember...
* Noah was a drunk
* Abraham was too old
* Isaac was a daydreamer
* Jacob was a liar
* Leah was ugly
* Joseph was abused
* Moses had a stuttering problem
* Gideon was afraid
* Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
* Rahab was a harlot
* Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
* David had an affair and was a murderer
* Elijah was suicidal
* Isaiah preached naked
* Jonah ran from God
* Naomi was a widow
* Job went bankrupt
* Peter denied Christ
* The Disciples fell asleep while praying
* Martha worried about everything
* The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
* Zaccheus was too small
* Paul had a “thorn in the flesh”
* Timothy had an ulcer
* Lazarus was dead
Now! No more excuses! God can use you to your full potential.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – It’s summer and people don’t make mistakes in bulletin typing, especially those who are filling in. So these are from the file.
* The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
* The Communications Committee will assist with the mailing of the newsletter and the stapling of the Annual Report to congregational members.
* The concert was a great success. Special thanks are due to the rector's daughter who labored the whole evening at the piano which as usual fell upon her.'
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – “Amen” at the end of a prayer is like hitting the “send” button on your cell phone.
Rabbi Hillel Goldman
Unreasonable people are those who expect the world to adapt to their needs. Reasonable people adapt themselves to suit the world. Therefore all progress depends upon unreasonable people.
George Bernard Shaw
How else but through a broken heart may Lord Christ enter in?
Oscar Wilde
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We Get Letters – Brenda Grant of Okanogan, Washington, Ann Pollock who lives in Castlegar, British Columbia, and Ruth Dudley who lives somewhere else, came to the same remarkable conclusion after deep and scholarly study of the scriptures. They revealed that “Noah took the snakes to the kitchen and placed them on the big wooden kitchen table. Procreation begins promptly. “That’s because, as mathematicians and engineers (and all other logarithm enthusiasts) all over the world know, Adders can only multiply on a log table.”
Ruth added the comment that only those who are short of breath and long of tooth will understand what she and Brenda are talking about.
Dave Towers wonders “why Noah didn't slap those two mosquitoes when he had the chance. Probably could have saved many of us from breaking one of the ten commandments (taking God’s name in vain).”
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Fresh Fruit Fortunes!”)
Boobalack (aka Lettie Fisher of Chickasha, Oklahoma) took the Ice-Cream Personality Test featured in last week’s Rumors. In a flash of blinding light and ethereal music – she would have fallen off her horse in the tradition of St. Paul, but she wasn’t on a horse so she couldn’t really fall off a horse she wasn’t on because you have to be on a horse to fall off a horse which is why she didn’t fall off a horse even though she was quite willing to fall off a horse if someone was willing to provide a horse she could fall off of – Boobalack had revealed to her that she is a person who likes Personality Tests.
So she offers an alternate to the Ice Cream test. This one claims 100% accuracy. Here’s how it goes.
In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits on it.
They are:
a. Appleb. Bananac. Strawberryd. Peache. Orange
Which fruit will you choose? Please think very carefully and don't rush into it. This test reveals your innermost angst, your weltensmertz (sp?), your inner id, your anxious ego. To make sure you don’t glance down and spoil everything, I’ve put the answers at the very end of Rumors – down below all that boring technical stuff.
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Bottom of the Barrel – It was the beginning of the football season in Canada – they start it in July so they get to play a few games before the country freezes over.
The worship service had moved on to the place where they normally took the offering.
The minister, being a strong sports enthusiast, dug deep into his pocket, pulled out a quarter and flipped it into the air. As it landed on the floor, in his best referee voice with great joy he shouted “The ushers ... will receive!”
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Here’s the response to the Personality Test.
If you have chosen:
a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples.b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas.c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries.d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches.e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges.
Your new self-knowledge should bring you peace, joy, love, happiness, health, wealth, freedom from zits on your backside, and a beatific look when you go through the produce section at the supermarket.
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Friday, July 11, 2008
Preaching Materials for July 20, 2008
R U M O R S # 510
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-07-13
July 13, 2008
ICE CREAM ANALYSIS
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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BE WARNED: Large batches of what you find below is regurgitated from nine years ago because I am suffering from a large dose of summer somnolence.
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The Story Lectionary – Rebecca’s legs
Revised Common Lectionary – what kind of a God is that?
Rumors – ice-cream flavor personality test
Soft Edges – birds of a feather
Good Stuff – sitting in my pew
Bloopers – an expensive event
We Get Letters – well, one letter
Mirabile Dictu! – how did we get into this mess?
Bottom of the Barrel – trying to eat one peanut
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – The Rev. was preaching a sermon at the Confirmation service. From the back of the church a large, two headed, fire-breathing monster with horns and a large tail slithered hideously down the middle aisle of the church, and worked its way up to the railing around the chancel.
The minister stepped down from the pulpit, moved over to the monster, placed hands on top of the monster's heads, and said a couple of words. Soon, the monster moved down the aisle, and headed out the back door.
The minister climbed back up into the pulpit, heaved a sigh of relief and said, "Well, I must tell you, I just confirmed my worst nightmare!"
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, July 20th, which is the 10th Sunday after Pentecost.
Story Lectionary – The reading for this Sunday is the story of Rebecca, a strong woman and a survivor. When I was a child we’d often say, “Don’t chew your cabbage twice.” Don’t repeat yourself. So because it is a hot July afternoon, and I am feeling languid and irresponsible, I will not chew my cabbage twice. I’m just going to give you a web address. Click on this and you’ll get the story of Rebecca’s legs. Yes, you read right. Her legs.
http://www.story-lectionary.com/ralph/Ralph-2008-07-20.html
Or you can go to the opening page of the story-lectionary website at:
http://www.story-lectionary.com
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Revised Common Lectionary – Genesis 28:10-19a
This is the story of Jacob on the lam. He’s diddled his brother and the old man (Isaac). His mother (Rebecca) packed him a quick lunch and said, “Run for it!” With not much more than the shirt on his back, he runs all day, and at night falls to the ground in an exhausted sleep. And there it is that God, in a dream, makes a covenant with him – offers him a blessing and a future – tells Jacob that he is to be the father of a chosen people.
Jacob cons his father, cheats his brother and runs from the consequences. What kind of a God makes that kind of promises to that kind of a person?
Psalm 139:1-12, 23-24 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Living Through Tough Times
1 I am transparent to you, God.
You can see right through me.
2 I can hide nothing from you.
You read my body language, and detect my deepest feelings.
3 The tiniest quirks of my handwriting reveal everything that's going on inside me.
4 You know what I'm going to say before I've thought it through.
5 I look around at the world, and you are there;
I look within my psyche, and you are there;
Emotion and intellect are one to you.
6 You know me better than I know myself.
I could not stand knowing myself that well–
I need some hidden corners still to discover,
some mysteries still to unfold.
7 Only you can cope with total knowledge.
7 How can I have a life of my own?
8 If I study science, you are there.
If I explore economics, you are there.
9 From charmed quarks to exploding galaxies,
from icebergs to dinosaurs to industrial toxins –
wherever I turn, you will turn up too.
You insinuate yourself into every crevice of my life.
11 Even if I bury myself in my work, you break in,
and upset all my careful applecart.
10 You drag me forward by my lapels;
in the small of my back, you keep shoving me.
12 I cannot keep you out of my life.
So I might as well let you in.
23 I have nothing to hide from you.
Go ahead–look into my soul!
24 I have done my best.
If you find a jealous heart or a spiteful tongue,
clean them out!
I would rather do without them than be cut off from you.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Romans 8:12-25 – Jim Taylor points out the marvelous images in this passage, of “heirs,” of “children of God,” of “creation groaning in labor,” and longing to “be set free from its bondage to decay.” Then there’s the ringing affirmation, “Hope that is seen is not hope …”
One way of getting inside this passage is to read it as if you are Paul. Make the words your own. Or you might paraphrase the whole passage in terms of your own life and faith.
Matthew 13:24-30, 36-43 – I so often find myself really getting inside a parable, and then feel keen disappointment at the explanation in the second part of the reading. I have a very strong suspicion that the explanation didn’t come from Jesus, but from the early church which tried to make an allegory out of it. I think the parable is much more useful as it stands.
All of us know that we mess up. We make stupid, bad, evil decisions quite often. But we also know that we are made in the image and likeness of God and therefore fundamentally good. Why not take a tall, cool drink out to the back porch, sit there, read the parable, and then reflect on your own life, and wonder how the wheat and the weeds are mixed together.
For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A,” page 159 where you’ll find the story of “Jacob’s Dream,” and page 162 where you’ll find the story of “The Wheat and the Weeds.”
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – Those of you who hang around with younger, thinner people might want to try the new “Ice Cream Flavor Personality Test” on a hot summer day. It’s not quite in the category of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator or Enneagrams. But hey, it’s summer. The Ice Cream test is more fun.
But not necessarily more reliable. Bev and I took the test. Sort of. Ice cream is pretty much on our “No! No!” list because of the fat and sugar. Besides, the test doesn’t list our favorites, so we had to pick ice cream we only sort of like. Both of us picked Butter Pecan. The test was almost right for Bev, but it missed me by a country mile. With a sample of two people I guess you could say the accuracy of the text is 50%, 10 times out of 20.
Don’t laugh. This is serious stuff. The folks who make Edy's Grand Ice Cream, paid real money to Dr.Alan R. Hirsch (MD), Neurological Director of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago. (Does the good doctor have too much time on his hands?) Dr. Hirsch claims that distinct personalities correspond with ice cream flavors. Here’s how it works. Pick your favorite flavor of ice cream from the following. No peeking!1) Vanilla2) Chocolate3) Butter pecan4) Banana5) Strawberry6) Chocolate chip If you like vanilla, you are colorful, impulsive, a risk taker who sets high goals and has high expectations of yourself. You also enjoy close family relationships. If you like chocolate, you are lively, creative, dramatic, charming, enthusiastic, and the life of the party. Chocolate fans enjoy being at the center of attention and can become bored with the usual routine. If you like butter pecan, you are orderly, perfectionist, careful, detail-oriented, conscientious, ethical, and fiscally conservative. You are also competitive, aggressive in sports, and the take-charge type of personality. If you like banana, you are easy going, well adjusted, generous, honest, and empathetic. If you like strawberry, you are shy, yet emotionally robust, skeptical, detail oriented, opinionated, introverted, and self-critical. If you like chocolate chip, you are generous, competitive, and accomplished. You are charming in social situations, ambitious, and competent. Dr. Hirsch doesn’t say this, but if you don’t like ice cream at all, does that mean you are cranky, opinionated, boorish, sloppy, anal retentive and have bad breath?
But I just had a terrifying thought. My grandkids don’t really like ice-cream. And they are as close to perfection as humanity has ever attained (This being my totally dispassionate, carefully reasoned judgment).
I love ice cream. And it is a hot July day. I think this whole matter needs more research.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Birds of a Feather
The other afternoon, as I went out for my regular walk with the dog, I saw a bird fluttering among the branches of a neighbour’s cedar hedge. I wondered if it was a mother bird doing the wounded-wing routine, trying to distract a potential predator from its young.
When I got closer, I realized the bird was trapped behind some black netting that the neighbour had strung over his cedar hedge, to protect it from the deer. Gardening books assure me that deer don’t like cedars. That may be true of cedar trees, but certainly not of cedar hedges. Around our area, unprotected hedges all have an hourglass shape – nibbled back almost to the trunk near the ground, filling out only above head height.
To protect their precious hedges, people attempt various measures. Some string up electric fences. Others hide their hedges behind stucco wire. Some lay chicken wire on the ground, hoping that the deer will dislike the feel of it underfoot. Others spray their hedges with smelly chemicals.
This particular neighbour had chosen to wrap his hedge in black nylon netting – almost invisible to the eye.
And this little sparrow had somehow flown in behind the netting, and couldn’t get out.
Since human action had created this problem, I didn’t think I was interfering with nature by reaching in under the netting, grabbing the bird, and setting it free. It panicked at first. Then as my hand closed around it, it gave up struggling.
I pulled it out and tossed it into the air. Its little wings opened. It flew away.
As I walked on, I wondered how it would relate this story to its friends on a bird feeder somewhere.
“It was wonderful! I was trapped by invisible forces. I couldn’t fly. I thought I would die. And this hand, this gigantic hand, reached in and gently held me, and set me free. It was the most amazing experience of my life.”
Or, perhaps...
“It was awful. I was trapped by an invisible demon. I couldn’t fly. I thought I would die. And then this hand, this gigantic hand, grabbed me and squeezed me and hurled me into the air. If I hadn’t spread my wings, I would have crashed. It was the most terrifying experience of my life.”
Same story; different interpretation.
I am not one who believes that God reaches down with a gigantic hand to pluck us out of our troubles when things go wrong. If that happened, God would surely not have let our friend Carolynn die last Sunday morning, writhing in pain from the cancer that had started in her kidneys and liver and spread to her bones.
But I do believe that each of us interprets each bit of evidence of God’s presence in our lives differently. Some treat it as punishment, some as salvation. Some dread it, some welcome it.
The experience may be the same – but the meaning we derive depends on the way we describe it.
Just like that sparrow.
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Good Stuff – This from Velia Watts of Edmonton, Alberta, who got it from Howard Olds of Nashville, Tennessee.
A parishioner who had attended the same church and parked in the same spot for 20 years arrived to find that a bearded man of Middle Eastern decent had taken his spot. The parishioner explained that the visitor was in “his” spot, and the visitor moved.
Then after the parishioner greeted everyone and entered the sanctuary, he discovered the visitor was sitting in “his” pew. He explained that his family had sat in the same spot for 20 years, and the visitor moved.
Then when the altar call came and the parishioner went to kneel in the spot where he had prayed for 20 years, he found the stranger in his way again. The stranger said, “Let me guess. I took your place again?” and the agitated parishioner said “yes.”
The stranger then pointed to the cross hanging behind the altar and said, “A long time ago, I took your place there, too. I was just checking to see if it did any good”.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Dave Edwards of Camrose, Alberta, found a bulletin announcement of an event that will have a registration fee: "The event will be held on Oct. 3 & $"
From the file:
* Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.* Several sinners were delivered to residents unable to attend the meal.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – Public virtue cannot exist in a nation without private virtue, and public virtue is the only foundation of republics.
John Adams
Virtue is like precious odors – most fragrant when they are incensed or crushed.
Francis Bacon
We should find God in what we do know, not in what we don’t; not in understanding problems, but in those we have already solved.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer
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We Get Letters – Well, this week it’s not letters – plural – but letter. Singular.
It is the heart of summer north of the equator and the dead of winter south of the equator, which means that nobody except Garth Caseley was upright and lucid. He writes: “Hallelujah!!! I often wondered what Noah's wife's name was. Thanks for clarifying.”
As for the rest of you – you shouldn’t be reading this stuff. You should be sitting in a comfortable chair with a cool drink in one hand and a book on your lap (a prop) watching the birds or the kids or the lake or whatever – anything except serious thinking.
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “How did we get into this mess???!”)
Six Phases of a Project1) Enthusiasm2) Disillusionment3) Panic and Hysteria4) Search for the Guilty5) Punishment of the Innocent6) Praise and Honor for the Non-Participants
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Bottom of the Barrel – It’s like trying to eat one peanut. Eat one, you eat a bunch.
As a living incarnation of that philosophical principle, there’s Herb Goetz of Slippery Rock, Pennsylvania who sent this in response to our single-peanut Noah/Noee story. He sent all the rest of this. No kidding!
Then four weeks later, Noah and Noee took another inventory. By this time the multiplying really had taken off. The rabbits and the elephants, the goats and the apes were all multiplying. That is, until Noah and Noee came around one of the posts and found two snakes.
Noee: "Where are the other snakes?"
Snakes: "There are no other snakes, Noah."
Noah: "Surely you jest, just the two of you?"
Snakes: "Yup."
Noee: "Did we make a mistake? Did we get two of the same sex?"
Snakes: "No, one of us is female and the other is male."
Noah: "Well, don't you like each other then?"
Snakes: "Oh, no! We get a long fine. No problem whatsoever."
Noee: "Well, what's the matter? Every other animal is multiplying. The rabbits and the monkeys, the cows and horses, the pigs and the geese! Why, all the other animals are multiplying, why not you two?"
Snakes: "Because we can't."
Noah: "What do you mean you can't multiply?"
Snakes: "We can't multiply because we are adders."
Soooooo, Noah and Noee went up on top and sat on the deck. Since they
were sitting on the deck, the rest of the crew couldn't play cards.
Soooooo, then the rains stopped and the sun came out and the waters dried up and it was so beautiful that Noah could not express it any other way than saying, "Hark!!". Which went down in history as the second Noah's "ark."
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-07-13
July 13, 2008
ICE CREAM ANALYSIS
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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BE WARNED: Large batches of what you find below is regurgitated from nine years ago because I am suffering from a large dose of summer somnolence.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Story Lectionary – Rebecca’s legs
Revised Common Lectionary – what kind of a God is that?
Rumors – ice-cream flavor personality test
Soft Edges – birds of a feather
Good Stuff – sitting in my pew
Bloopers – an expensive event
We Get Letters – well, one letter
Mirabile Dictu! – how did we get into this mess?
Bottom of the Barrel – trying to eat one peanut
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rib Tickler – The Rev. was preaching a sermon at the Confirmation service. From the back of the church a large, two headed, fire-breathing monster with horns and a large tail slithered hideously down the middle aisle of the church, and worked its way up to the railing around the chancel.
The minister stepped down from the pulpit, moved over to the monster, placed hands on top of the monster's heads, and said a couple of words. Soon, the monster moved down the aisle, and headed out the back door.
The minister climbed back up into the pulpit, heaved a sigh of relief and said, "Well, I must tell you, I just confirmed my worst nightmare!"
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, July 20th, which is the 10th Sunday after Pentecost.
Story Lectionary – The reading for this Sunday is the story of Rebecca, a strong woman and a survivor. When I was a child we’d often say, “Don’t chew your cabbage twice.” Don’t repeat yourself. So because it is a hot July afternoon, and I am feeling languid and irresponsible, I will not chew my cabbage twice. I’m just going to give you a web address. Click on this and you’ll get the story of Rebecca’s legs. Yes, you read right. Her legs.
http://www.story-lectionary.com/ralph/Ralph-2008-07-20.html
Or you can go to the opening page of the story-lectionary website at:
http://www.story-lectionary.com
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Revised Common Lectionary – Genesis 28:10-19a
This is the story of Jacob on the lam. He’s diddled his brother and the old man (Isaac). His mother (Rebecca) packed him a quick lunch and said, “Run for it!” With not much more than the shirt on his back, he runs all day, and at night falls to the ground in an exhausted sleep. And there it is that God, in a dream, makes a covenant with him – offers him a blessing and a future – tells Jacob that he is to be the father of a chosen people.
Jacob cons his father, cheats his brother and runs from the consequences. What kind of a God makes that kind of promises to that kind of a person?
Psalm 139:1-12, 23-24 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Living Through Tough Times
1 I am transparent to you, God.
You can see right through me.
2 I can hide nothing from you.
You read my body language, and detect my deepest feelings.
3 The tiniest quirks of my handwriting reveal everything that's going on inside me.
4 You know what I'm going to say before I've thought it through.
5 I look around at the world, and you are there;
I look within my psyche, and you are there;
Emotion and intellect are one to you.
6 You know me better than I know myself.
I could not stand knowing myself that well–
I need some hidden corners still to discover,
some mysteries still to unfold.
7 Only you can cope with total knowledge.
7 How can I have a life of my own?
8 If I study science, you are there.
If I explore economics, you are there.
9 From charmed quarks to exploding galaxies,
from icebergs to dinosaurs to industrial toxins –
wherever I turn, you will turn up too.
You insinuate yourself into every crevice of my life.
11 Even if I bury myself in my work, you break in,
and upset all my careful applecart.
10 You drag me forward by my lapels;
in the small of my back, you keep shoving me.
12 I cannot keep you out of my life.
So I might as well let you in.
23 I have nothing to hide from you.
Go ahead–look into my soul!
24 I have done my best.
If you find a jealous heart or a spiteful tongue,
clean them out!
I would rather do without them than be cut off from you.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Romans 8:12-25 – Jim Taylor points out the marvelous images in this passage, of “heirs,” of “children of God,” of “creation groaning in labor,” and longing to “be set free from its bondage to decay.” Then there’s the ringing affirmation, “Hope that is seen is not hope …”
One way of getting inside this passage is to read it as if you are Paul. Make the words your own. Or you might paraphrase the whole passage in terms of your own life and faith.
Matthew 13:24-30, 36-43 – I so often find myself really getting inside a parable, and then feel keen disappointment at the explanation in the second part of the reading. I have a very strong suspicion that the explanation didn’t come from Jesus, but from the early church which tried to make an allegory out of it. I think the parable is much more useful as it stands.
All of us know that we mess up. We make stupid, bad, evil decisions quite often. But we also know that we are made in the image and likeness of God and therefore fundamentally good. Why not take a tall, cool drink out to the back porch, sit there, read the parable, and then reflect on your own life, and wonder how the wheat and the weeds are mixed together.
For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A,” page 159 where you’ll find the story of “Jacob’s Dream,” and page 162 where you’ll find the story of “The Wheat and the Weeds.”
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – Those of you who hang around with younger, thinner people might want to try the new “Ice Cream Flavor Personality Test” on a hot summer day. It’s not quite in the category of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator or Enneagrams. But hey, it’s summer. The Ice Cream test is more fun.
But not necessarily more reliable. Bev and I took the test. Sort of. Ice cream is pretty much on our “No! No!” list because of the fat and sugar. Besides, the test doesn’t list our favorites, so we had to pick ice cream we only sort of like. Both of us picked Butter Pecan. The test was almost right for Bev, but it missed me by a country mile. With a sample of two people I guess you could say the accuracy of the text is 50%, 10 times out of 20.
Don’t laugh. This is serious stuff. The folks who make Edy's Grand Ice Cream, paid real money to Dr.Alan R. Hirsch (MD), Neurological Director of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago. (Does the good doctor have too much time on his hands?) Dr. Hirsch claims that distinct personalities correspond with ice cream flavors. Here’s how it works. Pick your favorite flavor of ice cream from the following. No peeking!1) Vanilla2) Chocolate3) Butter pecan4) Banana5) Strawberry6) Chocolate chip If you like vanilla, you are colorful, impulsive, a risk taker who sets high goals and has high expectations of yourself. You also enjoy close family relationships. If you like chocolate, you are lively, creative, dramatic, charming, enthusiastic, and the life of the party. Chocolate fans enjoy being at the center of attention and can become bored with the usual routine. If you like butter pecan, you are orderly, perfectionist, careful, detail-oriented, conscientious, ethical, and fiscally conservative. You are also competitive, aggressive in sports, and the take-charge type of personality. If you like banana, you are easy going, well adjusted, generous, honest, and empathetic. If you like strawberry, you are shy, yet emotionally robust, skeptical, detail oriented, opinionated, introverted, and self-critical. If you like chocolate chip, you are generous, competitive, and accomplished. You are charming in social situations, ambitious, and competent. Dr. Hirsch doesn’t say this, but if you don’t like ice cream at all, does that mean you are cranky, opinionated, boorish, sloppy, anal retentive and have bad breath?
But I just had a terrifying thought. My grandkids don’t really like ice-cream. And they are as close to perfection as humanity has ever attained (This being my totally dispassionate, carefully reasoned judgment).
I love ice cream. And it is a hot July day. I think this whole matter needs more research.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Birds of a Feather
The other afternoon, as I went out for my regular walk with the dog, I saw a bird fluttering among the branches of a neighbour’s cedar hedge. I wondered if it was a mother bird doing the wounded-wing routine, trying to distract a potential predator from its young.
When I got closer, I realized the bird was trapped behind some black netting that the neighbour had strung over his cedar hedge, to protect it from the deer. Gardening books assure me that deer don’t like cedars. That may be true of cedar trees, but certainly not of cedar hedges. Around our area, unprotected hedges all have an hourglass shape – nibbled back almost to the trunk near the ground, filling out only above head height.
To protect their precious hedges, people attempt various measures. Some string up electric fences. Others hide their hedges behind stucco wire. Some lay chicken wire on the ground, hoping that the deer will dislike the feel of it underfoot. Others spray their hedges with smelly chemicals.
This particular neighbour had chosen to wrap his hedge in black nylon netting – almost invisible to the eye.
And this little sparrow had somehow flown in behind the netting, and couldn’t get out.
Since human action had created this problem, I didn’t think I was interfering with nature by reaching in under the netting, grabbing the bird, and setting it free. It panicked at first. Then as my hand closed around it, it gave up struggling.
I pulled it out and tossed it into the air. Its little wings opened. It flew away.
As I walked on, I wondered how it would relate this story to its friends on a bird feeder somewhere.
“It was wonderful! I was trapped by invisible forces. I couldn’t fly. I thought I would die. And this hand, this gigantic hand, reached in and gently held me, and set me free. It was the most amazing experience of my life.”
Or, perhaps...
“It was awful. I was trapped by an invisible demon. I couldn’t fly. I thought I would die. And then this hand, this gigantic hand, grabbed me and squeezed me and hurled me into the air. If I hadn’t spread my wings, I would have crashed. It was the most terrifying experience of my life.”
Same story; different interpretation.
I am not one who believes that God reaches down with a gigantic hand to pluck us out of our troubles when things go wrong. If that happened, God would surely not have let our friend Carolynn die last Sunday morning, writhing in pain from the cancer that had started in her kidneys and liver and spread to her bones.
But I do believe that each of us interprets each bit of evidence of God’s presence in our lives differently. Some treat it as punishment, some as salvation. Some dread it, some welcome it.
The experience may be the same – but the meaning we derive depends on the way we describe it.
Just like that sparrow.
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Good Stuff – This from Velia Watts of Edmonton, Alberta, who got it from Howard Olds of Nashville, Tennessee.
A parishioner who had attended the same church and parked in the same spot for 20 years arrived to find that a bearded man of Middle Eastern decent had taken his spot. The parishioner explained that the visitor was in “his” spot, and the visitor moved.
Then after the parishioner greeted everyone and entered the sanctuary, he discovered the visitor was sitting in “his” pew. He explained that his family had sat in the same spot for 20 years, and the visitor moved.
Then when the altar call came and the parishioner went to kneel in the spot where he had prayed for 20 years, he found the stranger in his way again. The stranger said, “Let me guess. I took your place again?” and the agitated parishioner said “yes.”
The stranger then pointed to the cross hanging behind the altar and said, “A long time ago, I took your place there, too. I was just checking to see if it did any good”.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Dave Edwards of Camrose, Alberta, found a bulletin announcement of an event that will have a registration fee: "The event will be held on Oct. 3 & $"
From the file:
* Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.* Several sinners were delivered to residents unable to attend the meal.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – Public virtue cannot exist in a nation without private virtue, and public virtue is the only foundation of republics.
John Adams
Virtue is like precious odors – most fragrant when they are incensed or crushed.
Francis Bacon
We should find God in what we do know, not in what we don’t; not in understanding problems, but in those we have already solved.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer
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We Get Letters – Well, this week it’s not letters – plural – but letter. Singular.
It is the heart of summer north of the equator and the dead of winter south of the equator, which means that nobody except Garth Caseley was upright and lucid. He writes: “Hallelujah!!! I often wondered what Noah's wife's name was. Thanks for clarifying.”
As for the rest of you – you shouldn’t be reading this stuff. You should be sitting in a comfortable chair with a cool drink in one hand and a book on your lap (a prop) watching the birds or the kids or the lake or whatever – anything except serious thinking.
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “How did we get into this mess???!”)
Six Phases of a Project1) Enthusiasm2) Disillusionment3) Panic and Hysteria4) Search for the Guilty5) Punishment of the Innocent6) Praise and Honor for the Non-Participants
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Bottom of the Barrel – It’s like trying to eat one peanut. Eat one, you eat a bunch.
As a living incarnation of that philosophical principle, there’s Herb Goetz of Slippery Rock, Pennsylvania who sent this in response to our single-peanut Noah/Noee story. He sent all the rest of this. No kidding!
Then four weeks later, Noah and Noee took another inventory. By this time the multiplying really had taken off. The rabbits and the elephants, the goats and the apes were all multiplying. That is, until Noah and Noee came around one of the posts and found two snakes.
Noee: "Where are the other snakes?"
Snakes: "There are no other snakes, Noah."
Noah: "Surely you jest, just the two of you?"
Snakes: "Yup."
Noee: "Did we make a mistake? Did we get two of the same sex?"
Snakes: "No, one of us is female and the other is male."
Noah: "Well, don't you like each other then?"
Snakes: "Oh, no! We get a long fine. No problem whatsoever."
Noee: "Well, what's the matter? Every other animal is multiplying. The rabbits and the monkeys, the cows and horses, the pigs and the geese! Why, all the other animals are multiplying, why not you two?"
Snakes: "Because we can't."
Noah: "What do you mean you can't multiply?"
Snakes: "We can't multiply because we are adders."
Soooooo, Noah and Noee went up on top and sat on the deck. Since they
were sitting on the deck, the rest of the crew couldn't play cards.
Soooooo, then the rains stopped and the sun came out and the waters dried up and it was so beautiful that Noah could not express it any other way than saying, "Hark!!". Which went down in history as the second Noah's "ark."
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Preaching Materials for July 13, 2008
R U M O R S # 509
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-07-06
July 6, 2008
THE STORY OF ESAU
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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For all those folks here in the northern hemisphere suffering from the Protestant Workaholic Syndrome, you have my permission – yea and verily I encourage you to do the utterly unthinkable, even though the thought of it may make you tremble in fear for your eternal soul. Read no further. There is nothing below important enough to disturb your summer somnolence. You are tired and you need a rest. Yes you are and you do! I am older than you and therefore know better.
Go to “Edit” then down to “Select all: then hit the “delete” button followed by the “Y” for “Yes,” you actually do want to commit this electronic ejaculation to computer purgatory.
The same process works on other stuff that comes down the tube.
Yes it does!
This offer expires on September 1, 2008.
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The Story Lectionary – designer God
Revised Common Lectionary – double standards
Rumors – the story of Esau
Soft Edges – mental house cleaning
Good Stuff – ask the right question
Bloopers – the gift of what?
We Get Letters – atheists believe in God
Mirabile Dictu! – stamp out stewardship
Bottom of the Barrel – world’s worst/best puns
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – It was a week into the voyage of the Ark. Noah and his wife Noee were touring the ark, clipboard in hand, checking on the animals.
Noah: “Two elephants.”
Noee: “Check.”
Noah: “Two horses.”
Noee: “Check.”
Noah: “Two goats.”
Noee: “Check.”
Noah: “A hundred and sixty-three rabbits.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, July 13th, which is the 8th Sunday after Pentecost.
Story Lectionary – Genesis 22:1-19: The Sacrifice of Isaac
This is a key story in the Islamic tradition. The word “Islam” means “submission,” and this is the story of Abraham’s submission to God.
It’s good to reflect on that as we tell this story. A “Bizarro” cartoon recently showed God looking at a billboard with a cutaway picture of a human head showing the brain. A little arrow pointed to the brain and it said, “You are here.”
Because in every religious tradition I can think of, there is a strong tendency to shape our image of God in terms of our personal fears and hopes and dreams. Make our own designer God.
I don’t really know how you get around that, given human nature and the way we think and shape our own perceptions. I suspect every one of us does that – at least to some extent. How would we know what is genuine logic or real revelation and what is shaped in the millions of folds within the fecund human brain?
Probably the best we can do is hear the story over and over, and try to listen to what the story is saying to that part of our psyche where we form our images of God. Perhaps if we put ourselves in Isaac’s sandals. Or Abraham’s. Or Sarah. Did she know about this? “What was she thinking or feeling there in the tent, knowing that her husband had left with her son to kill him on a mountain somewhere. “Your son, your only son” the story keeps repeating.
What does it mean to give to God the very thing we treasure most?
To find a “reader’s theatre” version of this story, and to discover other resources by Jim Taylor and Linnea Good, go to:
http://www.story-lectionary.com
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Revised Common Lectionary
Genesis 25:19-34 – “I remember when. . .”
Like normal grandparents, Bev and I enjoy telling stories about our grandchildren. The hard part is finding someone who’s willing to listen. Many of our friends are also grandparents, and they have the annoying habit of jumping in with stories of their grandchildren whenever we take a breath. So we wait till they take a breath and then top them with a better story about our grandkids. The competition is fierce out there!
But in this legend of Jacob and Esau, there’s way more at stake than simply grandparental bragging rights. It is a legend told to show why it is that the descendants of Jacob, the Israelites, are so much superior to the descendants of Esau, the Edomites. There’s no doubt that the Edomites had their own legends that told a very different story, but the Bible isn’t written from their perspective.
I like Esau more than I like Jacob. Esau’s an easy-going kind-hearted guy. Jacob is a shyster. A trickster who likes nothing more than getting the best of someone else.
Theirs was a tribal culture. In many tribal cultures a sense of what is right and wrong depends on who is doing what to whom. If you can diddle someone from anther tribe, that’s just fine. In fact, it’s your responsibility to do that if you can. The Israelites told with relish, how their Jacob hornswoggled those slow, stupid Edomites. We think it reprehensible of Jacob to cheat Esau, but the Israelites would have considered it downright traitorous not to rip off another tribe, provided you could get away with it.
Psalm 119:105-122 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
All of us have had mentors, people who took us under their wing in many ways.
105 For years, you have been like a parent to me;
I have followed your advice faithfully.
106 I listen to your word.
I try to do your will.
107 But right now, my life is a mess.
I need your help.
108 Who else could I turn to?
Who else can I trust?
109 Like a billiard ball, I bounce from crisis to confrontation,
But still I try to measure up.
110 The world tests me with temptations.
They attract me, I cannot deny it;
But I do not give in.
111 I have learned well your precepts and principles;
they matter more to me than passing pleasures;
they are the foundation of my life.
112 I only yield to one temptation,
the temptation to do your will.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Romans 8:1-11 – Paul seems almost obsessed by the “sins of the flesh,” which makes me wonder sometimes what was going on in his mind. But it’s probably not useful to focus on that. Paul’s central theme seems to be, that what we could not do for ourselves, Jesus Christ has done for us.
Paul seems to be saying two things. We can’t do it by ourselves. That’s a significant reminder to those that believe that by acts of purification (in first century culture) or by harder work or further study (in our culture) we can achieve our own salvation.
Secondly, God has already done it. Through Jesus. Never mind how! Just accept that God has done it for you. If God can raise Jesus from the dead, God can also raise us from the deadness of our lives.
Matthew 13:1-9, 18-23 – Any story-teller worth his/her salt knows that if a story needs to be interpreted, it has failed as a story. I would leave that second section out entirely because I don’t think that’s Jesus. He was too good a story-teller for that. It’s the writer of Matthew giving an interpretation.
We have a Linden tree in our yard. It produces gazillions of seeds every year. Some of them germinate in the lawn below, but they don’t survive the repeated decapitations of the lawn mower. But the tree keeps producing seeds, year after year, which is for me a metaphor of God’s profligate love.
I spend a lot of time each spring sitting on our back porch trying to think noble and worthy thoughts. If I strain too hard, I get a cerebral hernia, so I mostly watch the birds in their spring-time frenzy of mating and feeding and eating.
They tell me a story of creation – of the urge to life – to sustain life – to bring forth new life. The song they sing sounds a bit like the Jewish toast – “L’chaim.” To life!
Not just for their own species. The seeds that scatter from the trees behind our house feed many birds, who digest most of them. The rest of the seeds are deposited in new places, each with its little packet of moisture and fertilizer.
For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A,” page 152 for a story called “Rebekah and her Babies,” based on the Genesis lection. On page 154 you’ll find “Stories that Help Us Grow,” based primarily on the Matthew passage.
If you are planning to be at Naramata Centre (a church camp not far from where I live) this summer, Margaret Kyle, (the artist who did the illustrations) and I will be signing books there on Tuesday, July 15th and Tuesday the 22nd. It’s the launch of the second volume, Year B of The Lectionary Story Bible. Of course, Year A and other books I’ve penned, will also be available in the Mustard Seed bookstore.
In the meantime, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – It’s 37C on our back porch. My body and my brain are both sluggish. So instead of an inspired diatribe, I’m offering an old, somewhat shopworn Aggada, the story of Jacob’s theft of the birthright, told from Esau’s point of view. It’s from “Is This Your Idea of a Good Time, God,” which you can find on the Wood Lake website.
As always, you are welcome to use this in any congregational context.
The story of Esau
“...at least Dad is on my side."
Do you know what it's like when you've been out in the bush all week? And you've caught nothing. Not a thing?
Well, Jacob sure doesn't know about that. Fat, pampered mama's boy, that's what he is. Mom always liked him best. And she put him up to it. Mom is always figuring out ways to get things for Jacob.
I didn't sell my birthright. I was conned. I was cheated.
Do you know what it's like when you come home, and you've been out hiking around all week? There's hardly any game, and by the time you see any, you're so weak you can't shoot straight. Sure I found a few berries to eat, but all I got out of that was a case of diarrhea.
So I come home. I can hardly walk, I'm so hungry. And Jacob has been sitting around at home with Mom, stirring a pot full of some red stuff. I don't know what it is, but I know I need it and I need it fast.
But Jacob, he's being coy. "Hey, big brother. How much will you give me for some of my stew?" I try to grab it from him, but he jumps away. "Just give me something to eat, for cryin' out loud, Jacob, I've starving!"
"So how about the inheritance, Esau. Tell me that when Pop dies, I get everything. Say that, and I'll give you some of this delicious lentil stew."
"Whatever you want. Give me something to eat!"
That's what happened. I was cheated, right?
And Jacob's been rubbing my nose in that so called promise ever since. "A promise is a promise," he keeps saying.
"Look, you pampered brat," I grabbed him by the collar and yelled right into his fat little face. "The birthright is for father to give, and father will give it to me. So stop being such a smartass!" I would have punched him in the nose but that's when mother came along.
"Esau. You let go of your brother. Just because you're older, it doesn't mean you can lord it over him."
"Well, Mom, you tell him to stop going on with that crap about me selling him my inheritance for a bowl of that red garbage he calls food."
I might as well have been talking to the tent pegs. Mom was totally on Jacob's side. "A promise is a promise, Esau," she says to me. "Remember, your word is your bond."
I know I shouldn't have done it, but that's when I started to yell at her. "Mom, I know Jacob is your pet. OK, but Dad is still on my side, and when the time comes, he will give the inheritance to me, and then you and this pampered pip-squeak will be out on your ear. Just remember that, Mom."
Well, I guess I told 'em. They haven't said anything about it since. And poor Dad is getting old and blind, and pretty soon it'll be time for him to pass on the family blessing to me.
Then I'll show them. I'll really show them.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Mental House Cleaning
No one likes moving.
Joan and I moved five times in our first four years of marriage. The first time, we rented a one-ton truck, and had plenty of space left. By the third time, we were still doing it ourselves, but we needed a three-ton truck.
Since then, we’ve relied on moving companies.
The last time we moved, we resolved to sort our possessions before packing. We would get rid of the unnecessary stuff, and only move the stuff we really wanted.
Ha! Moving day arrived far too soon. “Just pack everything,” we said, in despair.
They did. And there are boxes downstairs that we still haven’t opened in 15 years here.
Susan and Jim Lindenberger lived in the same house in Vancouver for 34 years before moving. “I'm never moving again!” she wrote. “They'll have to carry me out of here [her new house, that is] feet first or kicking & screaming in a strait jacket.”
Ralph Milton recommends moving every five years, whether you need to or not. “A house move,” he suggests, “is to your physical environment what a 15-day silent retreat is to the soul, a laxative is to your bowels, or one of those hot mineral-spring spas is to your body. You purge the system of all the useless and unnecessary stuff, and hopefully some of the baggage that slows you down.”
He’s only half kidding.
Years ago, Peter Egan wrote a column in Road & Track magazine about a friend’s garage/workshop/sanctuary. Car fanatics, generally, hoard old auto parts the way a magnet gathers iron filings.
A few of the more systematic fanatics label their boxes: “Worn brake pads”; “Seized water pumps”; “Fried switches”; “Wires too short to use”...
But this garage, Peter noted, had boxes labelled only with dates.
“How do you know where to find things?” Peter asked.
“Easy,” replied his friend. “If I need an MGB master brake cylinder, I can remember when I last worked on it. I just go to that dated box.”
But, the friend added, if he hadn’t opened a box in five years, he threw it out. He didn’t even check what treasures it might contain. If its contents hadn’t proved valuable in that time, they were now so outdated they wouldn’t have any value in the next five years either.
When I read that story, I thought that it’s too bad we can’t do the same with our heads. If a concept, an idea, hasn’t been useful in shaping our lives and understanding for the last five years, why should we expect it to apply in the next five?
Why do we keep cluttering up our thought processes with it?
Perhaps we need a better mental filing system. Here’s a moral precept, not invoked since 1968. A radical principle, ignored since Vietnam. An understanding of God, placed on a shelf since kindergarten.
House moving pushes us to clear out our physical closets and storage rooms. Sometimes we need to clear our mental closets too.
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Good Stuff – Bruce Fraser of Merlin, Ontario sends this useful chuckle.
Jack and Max are walking home from a religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying. "Why don't you ask the priest?" asks Max. So Jack goes up to the priest. "Father, may I smoke while I pray?" "No, my son,” says the priest. “You may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Jack tells Max what the priest said.
"I'm not surprised,” says Max. “You asked the wrong question."
So Max goes up to the priest. "Father, may I pray while I smoke?" "By all means, my son.” says the priest. “By all means. Pray anytime, anywhere! Pray without ceasing." Moral: The reply you get depends on the question you ask.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – This from Evelyn McLachlin. Sign on a parking lot: “Absolutely No Trespassing – Violators Will Be Prosecuted to the Full Extent of the Law. Signed: The Sisters of Mercy."
Vern Ratzlaff of Saskatoon has had a busy week. First he was surprised to read in the local newspaper that “Ken Rasmussen is head of the Johnson-Shoyama Graduate School of Pubic Policy.”
Then in a “Pulpit Resource” entry: “The kingdom of heaven is the gift of immorality and perfection, which we cannot attain in our own strength.” Says Vern: I always thought I was doing ok in the former, although the latter caused some late night anxiety.”
From the file: The service will begin with a prayer of silent confusion.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – But, at the end, if we are brave enough to love, if we are strong enough to forgive, if we are generous enough to rejoice in another’s happiness, and if we are wise enough to know that there is enough love to go around for us all, then we can achieve a fulfillment that no other living creature will ever know. We can reenter Paradise.
Harold S. Kushner via Chris Duxbury
Joy is the feeling of grinning inside.
source unknown via Evelyn McLachlan
When the best leaders’ work is done, the people say: “We did it ourselves.”
Lao-Tzu
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We Get Letters – Jessica Taft writes: “This from an article titled "Pew Study: Religious beliefs in the US full of contradiction" by Matthai Kuruvila, in the San Francisco Chronicle.
"21 percent of self-defined atheists believe in God"
Alan Reynolds had his biblical brain tweaked by Deborah Laing’s proof-texts on laziness, further demonstrating that creative indolence is a Christian virtue.
His favourite is Psalm 127:2
It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil,
for God gives to his beloved sleep
(or, God gives his gifts to his beloved while they sleep.)
Dan Doerfer writes about last week’s question on the disposal of holy water. Says Dan, “You freeze it into Popecycles!
Vern Ratzlaff adds another title the list of children’s hymns. “Lead On, O Kinky Turtle.”
Tim Wiebe-Neufeld of Edmonton, Alberta sends “an interesting announcement in a recent church bulletin. It’s effect may be missed by those who don’t immediately realize the implications of what “18+” means in movie circles.
“[Our Church Organization] is now on YouTube! Watch any or all of the 18+ titles at [website address], download your own high resolution copy from the YouTube page, or call and request a DVD.”
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Stamp Our Stewardship!”)
This from Jim Spinks.
No-excuse Sunday
To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are going to have a special 'No-Excuse Sunday'.
* Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, 'Sunday is my only day to sleep in.'
* There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.
* Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching T.V. late Saturday night.
* We will have steel helmets for those who say, 'The roof would cave in if I ever came to church.'
* Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.
* Score cards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
* Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.
* We will distribute 'Stamp Out Stewardship' buttons for those who feel that church is always asking for money.
* One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
* Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
* The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
* We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton for those who say he is too loud.
* And a shot of enthusiasm for those who are just plain apathetic
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Bottom of the Barrel – Nancy McClure-Long of Ghent, New York sent this. It needs a warning label of some sort because to OD on puns can result in a permanent semi-pained/semi-amused expression on your face and you will spend the rest of your life responding to people who ask, “What’s wrong?”
Puns
The ability to make and understand puns is the highest level of language development.
Anonymous
The French, however, still consider the pun to be the very lowest form of humor (which, in itself, is considered to be a peculiarly Anglo attempt at scintillating discourse which too often fails to rise to the level of genuine wit.)
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says 'Dam!'3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. It immediately sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too!4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies 'Yes, I'm positive.'5. Did you hear about the new-age space cadet who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: to transcend dental medication.6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?' they asked as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'7. A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan,you've seen Ahmal.'8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent Florist friars.9. He was a mendicant mystic who walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.And finally...10. There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-07-06
July 6, 2008
THE STORY OF ESAU
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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For all those folks here in the northern hemisphere suffering from the Protestant Workaholic Syndrome, you have my permission – yea and verily I encourage you to do the utterly unthinkable, even though the thought of it may make you tremble in fear for your eternal soul. Read no further. There is nothing below important enough to disturb your summer somnolence. You are tired and you need a rest. Yes you are and you do! I am older than you and therefore know better.
Go to “Edit” then down to “Select all: then hit the “delete” button followed by the “Y” for “Yes,” you actually do want to commit this electronic ejaculation to computer purgatory.
The same process works on other stuff that comes down the tube.
Yes it does!
This offer expires on September 1, 2008.
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The Story Lectionary – designer God
Revised Common Lectionary – double standards
Rumors – the story of Esau
Soft Edges – mental house cleaning
Good Stuff – ask the right question
Bloopers – the gift of what?
We Get Letters – atheists believe in God
Mirabile Dictu! – stamp out stewardship
Bottom of the Barrel – world’s worst/best puns
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – It was a week into the voyage of the Ark. Noah and his wife Noee were touring the ark, clipboard in hand, checking on the animals.
Noah: “Two elephants.”
Noee: “Check.”
Noah: “Two horses.”
Noee: “Check.”
Noah: “Two goats.”
Noee: “Check.”
Noah: “A hundred and sixty-three rabbits.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, July 13th, which is the 8th Sunday after Pentecost.
Story Lectionary – Genesis 22:1-19: The Sacrifice of Isaac
This is a key story in the Islamic tradition. The word “Islam” means “submission,” and this is the story of Abraham’s submission to God.
It’s good to reflect on that as we tell this story. A “Bizarro” cartoon recently showed God looking at a billboard with a cutaway picture of a human head showing the brain. A little arrow pointed to the brain and it said, “You are here.”
Because in every religious tradition I can think of, there is a strong tendency to shape our image of God in terms of our personal fears and hopes and dreams. Make our own designer God.
I don’t really know how you get around that, given human nature and the way we think and shape our own perceptions. I suspect every one of us does that – at least to some extent. How would we know what is genuine logic or real revelation and what is shaped in the millions of folds within the fecund human brain?
Probably the best we can do is hear the story over and over, and try to listen to what the story is saying to that part of our psyche where we form our images of God. Perhaps if we put ourselves in Isaac’s sandals. Or Abraham’s. Or Sarah. Did she know about this? “What was she thinking or feeling there in the tent, knowing that her husband had left with her son to kill him on a mountain somewhere. “Your son, your only son” the story keeps repeating.
What does it mean to give to God the very thing we treasure most?
To find a “reader’s theatre” version of this story, and to discover other resources by Jim Taylor and Linnea Good, go to:
http://www.story-lectionary.com
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Revised Common Lectionary
Genesis 25:19-34 – “I remember when. . .”
Like normal grandparents, Bev and I enjoy telling stories about our grandchildren. The hard part is finding someone who’s willing to listen. Many of our friends are also grandparents, and they have the annoying habit of jumping in with stories of their grandchildren whenever we take a breath. So we wait till they take a breath and then top them with a better story about our grandkids. The competition is fierce out there!
But in this legend of Jacob and Esau, there’s way more at stake than simply grandparental bragging rights. It is a legend told to show why it is that the descendants of Jacob, the Israelites, are so much superior to the descendants of Esau, the Edomites. There’s no doubt that the Edomites had their own legends that told a very different story, but the Bible isn’t written from their perspective.
I like Esau more than I like Jacob. Esau’s an easy-going kind-hearted guy. Jacob is a shyster. A trickster who likes nothing more than getting the best of someone else.
Theirs was a tribal culture. In many tribal cultures a sense of what is right and wrong depends on who is doing what to whom. If you can diddle someone from anther tribe, that’s just fine. In fact, it’s your responsibility to do that if you can. The Israelites told with relish, how their Jacob hornswoggled those slow, stupid Edomites. We think it reprehensible of Jacob to cheat Esau, but the Israelites would have considered it downright traitorous not to rip off another tribe, provided you could get away with it.
Psalm 119:105-122 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
All of us have had mentors, people who took us under their wing in many ways.
105 For years, you have been like a parent to me;
I have followed your advice faithfully.
106 I listen to your word.
I try to do your will.
107 But right now, my life is a mess.
I need your help.
108 Who else could I turn to?
Who else can I trust?
109 Like a billiard ball, I bounce from crisis to confrontation,
But still I try to measure up.
110 The world tests me with temptations.
They attract me, I cannot deny it;
But I do not give in.
111 I have learned well your precepts and principles;
they matter more to me than passing pleasures;
they are the foundation of my life.
112 I only yield to one temptation,
the temptation to do your will.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Romans 8:1-11 – Paul seems almost obsessed by the “sins of the flesh,” which makes me wonder sometimes what was going on in his mind. But it’s probably not useful to focus on that. Paul’s central theme seems to be, that what we could not do for ourselves, Jesus Christ has done for us.
Paul seems to be saying two things. We can’t do it by ourselves. That’s a significant reminder to those that believe that by acts of purification (in first century culture) or by harder work or further study (in our culture) we can achieve our own salvation.
Secondly, God has already done it. Through Jesus. Never mind how! Just accept that God has done it for you. If God can raise Jesus from the dead, God can also raise us from the deadness of our lives.
Matthew 13:1-9, 18-23 – Any story-teller worth his/her salt knows that if a story needs to be interpreted, it has failed as a story. I would leave that second section out entirely because I don’t think that’s Jesus. He was too good a story-teller for that. It’s the writer of Matthew giving an interpretation.
We have a Linden tree in our yard. It produces gazillions of seeds every year. Some of them germinate in the lawn below, but they don’t survive the repeated decapitations of the lawn mower. But the tree keeps producing seeds, year after year, which is for me a metaphor of God’s profligate love.
I spend a lot of time each spring sitting on our back porch trying to think noble and worthy thoughts. If I strain too hard, I get a cerebral hernia, so I mostly watch the birds in their spring-time frenzy of mating and feeding and eating.
They tell me a story of creation – of the urge to life – to sustain life – to bring forth new life. The song they sing sounds a bit like the Jewish toast – “L’chaim.” To life!
Not just for their own species. The seeds that scatter from the trees behind our house feed many birds, who digest most of them. The rest of the seeds are deposited in new places, each with its little packet of moisture and fertilizer.
For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A,” page 152 for a story called “Rebekah and her Babies,” based on the Genesis lection. On page 154 you’ll find “Stories that Help Us Grow,” based primarily on the Matthew passage.
If you are planning to be at Naramata Centre (a church camp not far from where I live) this summer, Margaret Kyle, (the artist who did the illustrations) and I will be signing books there on Tuesday, July 15th and Tuesday the 22nd. It’s the launch of the second volume, Year B of The Lectionary Story Bible. Of course, Year A and other books I’ve penned, will also be available in the Mustard Seed bookstore.
In the meantime, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – It’s 37C on our back porch. My body and my brain are both sluggish. So instead of an inspired diatribe, I’m offering an old, somewhat shopworn Aggada, the story of Jacob’s theft of the birthright, told from Esau’s point of view. It’s from “Is This Your Idea of a Good Time, God,” which you can find on the Wood Lake website.
As always, you are welcome to use this in any congregational context.
The story of Esau
“...at least Dad is on my side."
Do you know what it's like when you've been out in the bush all week? And you've caught nothing. Not a thing?
Well, Jacob sure doesn't know about that. Fat, pampered mama's boy, that's what he is. Mom always liked him best. And she put him up to it. Mom is always figuring out ways to get things for Jacob.
I didn't sell my birthright. I was conned. I was cheated.
Do you know what it's like when you come home, and you've been out hiking around all week? There's hardly any game, and by the time you see any, you're so weak you can't shoot straight. Sure I found a few berries to eat, but all I got out of that was a case of diarrhea.
So I come home. I can hardly walk, I'm so hungry. And Jacob has been sitting around at home with Mom, stirring a pot full of some red stuff. I don't know what it is, but I know I need it and I need it fast.
But Jacob, he's being coy. "Hey, big brother. How much will you give me for some of my stew?" I try to grab it from him, but he jumps away. "Just give me something to eat, for cryin' out loud, Jacob, I've starving!"
"So how about the inheritance, Esau. Tell me that when Pop dies, I get everything. Say that, and I'll give you some of this delicious lentil stew."
"Whatever you want. Give me something to eat!"
That's what happened. I was cheated, right?
And Jacob's been rubbing my nose in that so called promise ever since. "A promise is a promise," he keeps saying.
"Look, you pampered brat," I grabbed him by the collar and yelled right into his fat little face. "The birthright is for father to give, and father will give it to me. So stop being such a smartass!" I would have punched him in the nose but that's when mother came along.
"Esau. You let go of your brother. Just because you're older, it doesn't mean you can lord it over him."
"Well, Mom, you tell him to stop going on with that crap about me selling him my inheritance for a bowl of that red garbage he calls food."
I might as well have been talking to the tent pegs. Mom was totally on Jacob's side. "A promise is a promise, Esau," she says to me. "Remember, your word is your bond."
I know I shouldn't have done it, but that's when I started to yell at her. "Mom, I know Jacob is your pet. OK, but Dad is still on my side, and when the time comes, he will give the inheritance to me, and then you and this pampered pip-squeak will be out on your ear. Just remember that, Mom."
Well, I guess I told 'em. They haven't said anything about it since. And poor Dad is getting old and blind, and pretty soon it'll be time for him to pass on the family blessing to me.
Then I'll show them. I'll really show them.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Mental House Cleaning
No one likes moving.
Joan and I moved five times in our first four years of marriage. The first time, we rented a one-ton truck, and had plenty of space left. By the third time, we were still doing it ourselves, but we needed a three-ton truck.
Since then, we’ve relied on moving companies.
The last time we moved, we resolved to sort our possessions before packing. We would get rid of the unnecessary stuff, and only move the stuff we really wanted.
Ha! Moving day arrived far too soon. “Just pack everything,” we said, in despair.
They did. And there are boxes downstairs that we still haven’t opened in 15 years here.
Susan and Jim Lindenberger lived in the same house in Vancouver for 34 years before moving. “I'm never moving again!” she wrote. “They'll have to carry me out of here [her new house, that is] feet first or kicking & screaming in a strait jacket.”
Ralph Milton recommends moving every five years, whether you need to or not. “A house move,” he suggests, “is to your physical environment what a 15-day silent retreat is to the soul, a laxative is to your bowels, or one of those hot mineral-spring spas is to your body. You purge the system of all the useless and unnecessary stuff, and hopefully some of the baggage that slows you down.”
He’s only half kidding.
Years ago, Peter Egan wrote a column in Road & Track magazine about a friend’s garage/workshop/sanctuary. Car fanatics, generally, hoard old auto parts the way a magnet gathers iron filings.
A few of the more systematic fanatics label their boxes: “Worn brake pads”; “Seized water pumps”; “Fried switches”; “Wires too short to use”...
But this garage, Peter noted, had boxes labelled only with dates.
“How do you know where to find things?” Peter asked.
“Easy,” replied his friend. “If I need an MGB master brake cylinder, I can remember when I last worked on it. I just go to that dated box.”
But, the friend added, if he hadn’t opened a box in five years, he threw it out. He didn’t even check what treasures it might contain. If its contents hadn’t proved valuable in that time, they were now so outdated they wouldn’t have any value in the next five years either.
When I read that story, I thought that it’s too bad we can’t do the same with our heads. If a concept, an idea, hasn’t been useful in shaping our lives and understanding for the last five years, why should we expect it to apply in the next five?
Why do we keep cluttering up our thought processes with it?
Perhaps we need a better mental filing system. Here’s a moral precept, not invoked since 1968. A radical principle, ignored since Vietnam. An understanding of God, placed on a shelf since kindergarten.
House moving pushes us to clear out our physical closets and storage rooms. Sometimes we need to clear our mental closets too.
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Good Stuff – Bruce Fraser of Merlin, Ontario sends this useful chuckle.
Jack and Max are walking home from a religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying. "Why don't you ask the priest?" asks Max. So Jack goes up to the priest. "Father, may I smoke while I pray?" "No, my son,” says the priest. “You may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Jack tells Max what the priest said.
"I'm not surprised,” says Max. “You asked the wrong question."
So Max goes up to the priest. "Father, may I pray while I smoke?" "By all means, my son.” says the priest. “By all means. Pray anytime, anywhere! Pray without ceasing." Moral: The reply you get depends on the question you ask.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – This from Evelyn McLachlin. Sign on a parking lot: “Absolutely No Trespassing – Violators Will Be Prosecuted to the Full Extent of the Law. Signed: The Sisters of Mercy."
Vern Ratzlaff of Saskatoon has had a busy week. First he was surprised to read in the local newspaper that “Ken Rasmussen is head of the Johnson-Shoyama Graduate School of Pubic Policy.”
Then in a “Pulpit Resource” entry: “The kingdom of heaven is the gift of immorality and perfection, which we cannot attain in our own strength.” Says Vern: I always thought I was doing ok in the former, although the latter caused some late night anxiety.”
From the file: The service will begin with a prayer of silent confusion.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – But, at the end, if we are brave enough to love, if we are strong enough to forgive, if we are generous enough to rejoice in another’s happiness, and if we are wise enough to know that there is enough love to go around for us all, then we can achieve a fulfillment that no other living creature will ever know. We can reenter Paradise.
Harold S. Kushner via Chris Duxbury
Joy is the feeling of grinning inside.
source unknown via Evelyn McLachlan
When the best leaders’ work is done, the people say: “We did it ourselves.”
Lao-Tzu
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We Get Letters – Jessica Taft writes: “This from an article titled "Pew Study: Religious beliefs in the US full of contradiction" by Matthai Kuruvila, in the San Francisco Chronicle.
"21 percent of self-defined atheists believe in God"
Alan Reynolds had his biblical brain tweaked by Deborah Laing’s proof-texts on laziness, further demonstrating that creative indolence is a Christian virtue.
His favourite is Psalm 127:2
It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil,
for God gives to his beloved sleep
(or, God gives his gifts to his beloved while they sleep.)
Dan Doerfer writes about last week’s question on the disposal of holy water. Says Dan, “You freeze it into Popecycles!
Vern Ratzlaff adds another title the list of children’s hymns. “Lead On, O Kinky Turtle.”
Tim Wiebe-Neufeld of Edmonton, Alberta sends “an interesting announcement in a recent church bulletin. It’s effect may be missed by those who don’t immediately realize the implications of what “18+” means in movie circles.
“[Our Church Organization] is now on YouTube! Watch any or all of the 18+ titles at [website address], download your own high resolution copy from the YouTube page, or call and request a DVD.”
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Stamp Our Stewardship!”)
This from Jim Spinks.
No-excuse Sunday
To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are going to have a special 'No-Excuse Sunday'.
* Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, 'Sunday is my only day to sleep in.'
* There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.
* Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching T.V. late Saturday night.
* We will have steel helmets for those who say, 'The roof would cave in if I ever came to church.'
* Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.
* Score cards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
* Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.
* We will distribute 'Stamp Out Stewardship' buttons for those who feel that church is always asking for money.
* One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
* Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
* The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
* We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton for those who say he is too loud.
* And a shot of enthusiasm for those who are just plain apathetic
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Bottom of the Barrel – Nancy McClure-Long of Ghent, New York sent this. It needs a warning label of some sort because to OD on puns can result in a permanent semi-pained/semi-amused expression on your face and you will spend the rest of your life responding to people who ask, “What’s wrong?”
Puns
The ability to make and understand puns is the highest level of language development.
Anonymous
The French, however, still consider the pun to be the very lowest form of humor (which, in itself, is considered to be a peculiarly Anglo attempt at scintillating discourse which too often fails to rise to the level of genuine wit.)
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says 'Dam!'3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. It immediately sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too!4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies 'Yes, I'm positive.'5. Did you hear about the new-age space cadet who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: to transcend dental medication.6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?' they asked as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'7. A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan,you've seen Ahmal.'8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent Florist friars.9. He was a mendicant mystic who walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.And finally...10. There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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