R U M O R S # 504
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-06-01
June 1st, 2008
DEEKING THAT DASTARDLY DESTINY
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there.
Thanks.
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The Story Lectionary – a mixed response
Revised Common Lectionary – how did we get here?
Rumors – an old fogy’s destiny.
Soft Edges – invasion of the peace snatchers
Bloopers – too much incontinence
We Get Letters – more about mother’s day
Mirabile Dictu! – play ball
Bottom of the Barrel – a moldy old potato
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – Former Australian Prime Minister Robert Menzies, while speaking at a political meeting, was interrupted by a man who shouted: “I wouldn’t vote for you if you were the Archangel Gabriel!”
“If I were the Archangel Gabriel, sir,” replied Menzies, “you would scarcely be in my constituency.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, June 8th, which is the 4th Sunday after Pentecost.
Story Lectionary: Acts 9:1-29
This is the story of the conversion of Saul whom we know as Paul, the apostle. He is easily the most famous follower of Jesus. And also the most controversial.
I’ve just been reading Margaret Starbird’s strange little book, “Mary Magdalene, Bride in Exile,” which reminded me that Paul says almost nothing about the life and teachings of Jesus. Starbird says that when Jesus did not return as Paul predicted, Christians began to wonder what it was about this man that had attracted so many followers. If the second coming wasn’t about to happen, maybe we ought to know something about the first one. And that’s why the gospels were written.
I have no way of proving this, but it is my hunch that more conservative evangelical preachers tend to take their texts from Paul’s letters, whereas many preachers in the more liberal traditions tend more to use the gospel stories and Hebrew sagas. As I work on writing volume three of the “Lectionary Story Bible” for children, I find it very difficult to generate a good story from any of the epistles.
My personal response to Paul is mixed. He can be dreadfully turgid and obscure as in much of Romans, then movingly poetic or delightfully human in other places, such as 1 & 2 Corinthians.
Walter Wangerin Jr., in his novel, “Paul” paints him as short, cranky, and frighteningly intelligent.
Please check out the various resources at the Story Lectionary web-site.
http://www.story-lectionary.com
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Revised Common Lectionary
Genesis 12:1-9 – This is one of the foundation stories of our legacy. It is a foundation we share with our Jewish and Islamic neighbors. Could it be a foundation on which we build a relationship of trust and mutual support with them?
There are those who are trying. This summer, Bev and I will attend a week-long event at Naramata Centre, just south of us in the Okanagan Valley, in which an Islamic scholar, a Jewish rabbi and a Christian leader will engage in such a conversation. This sort of thing is happening in many places. And not a moment too soon.
This story of Abraham and Sarah and God’s promises to them, is not so much a prediction of the future as it is an explanation of the past. The story developed during the Davidic kingdom, in order to explain how it had happened that Israel became a great and powerful nation.
We often have that experience. We often wonder about where we are and the reality we find ourselves in, and ask, “How did we get here?” At what point in our lives were we set on the course we took?
In asking that question, we develop our mythology – our own story that responds to the question of where we came from.
And where was God in all this?
Psalm 33:1-12 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
If you're on the Lord's side, be glad!
If you live in the light, thank God!
Shout it, sing it, live it, look it;
Play your melody of praise
in every element of life.
Sing a new song to the Lord,
a song that calls forth all your skills!
For you can depend on God;
All that God does, God does openly.
God does not deceive anyone;
God loves justice; God loves the soul that has no shadows.
Look and see – the earth itself shows the nature of God!
For God created the skies that arch above us;
Everything that lives under those skies owes its life
to the elements of the air –
The breath of life, the gift of God.
Clouds form over the oceans,
rains shower the hills,
streams return to the sea –
the source and sustenance of earthly life.
All life on earth owes itself to the Lord;
What can we do but stand in awe?
However it was done, God did it;
According to God's will, all was done,
and it was good...
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Romans 4:13-25 – As is often the case, I find it hard to follow Paul’s reasoning. But one of the things he is saying is that God’s gift to Abraham was a gift of faith, and the legacy passed down to the early Christians he was addressing, was a matter of faith, not law.
Abraham’s faith that, in spite of the fact that Abraham was “as good as dead,” (diplomatic language wasn’t Paul’s forte), God made it possible for Sarah to conceive.
And that must have been some faith. I wonder what kind of revelation it would take to convince me that Bev and I, who are now in our 70’s, were going to have a child.
Matthew 9:9-13, 18-26 – One of the continuing problems we have, reading the stories from the Bible, is that they were told and written for an audience that was intimately familiar with the laws and customs involved. And I have problems with that, because it fosters the idea that only those who have extensive education in biblical stuff can really understand what these stories mean. My reformation forebears gave their lives, literally, to the idea that everyone should be able to read the Bible.
These passages involve a bunch of purity laws and Jesus’ attitude to them. Matthew, a tax collector was “unclean.” So were the bunch that Jesus ate with. Being touched by a menstruating woman rendered Jesus ritually unclean, as was taking the hand of a dead girl.
Jesus was plowing right upstream against a complex of Jewish law and customs. But it’s not just knowing about those customs, it’s also knowing how important they were to the Jewish people. The essence of faith was not a matter of what you believed, but of what you did. How you observed the laws and practices.
Jesus’ attitude and actions seemed cavalier and insulting. And let’s not assume that the Pharisees where a bunch of beady-eyed bigots. As in our own churches today, there were some of those. But most of them were sincere people struggling to live the way they thought God wanted them to live.
What Jesus did felt like a karate chop to the solar plexus.
Stories for children, based on these readings, may be found in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A.” The Genesis story on page 128, and two stories based on the gospel reading, are on pages 130 and 131.
If you don’t already own this book, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
For those living in the Okanagan Valley, the launch of “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B” will take place at the Worship Matters event, at Trinity United Church in Vernon, at noon on Saturday, June 7th. Margaret Kyle, who did the fabulous illustrations, and I will be there to smile and sign copies of the book.
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Rumors – Do we need to be polite about someone who’s been dead for several thousand years? Well, I wish Paul had been a little more judicious in his choice of words when he said that Abraham was as “good as dead” and Sarah’s womb was barren, which is to say that she was useless. Never having had a baby, she’d missed her whole reason for being. Yes, unfortunately, that’s exactly what Paul was saying.
I don’t mind being called “old,” because I am, and because “old” is not a disease. It is an accomplishment. And the wrinkles and lines on an old person’s face are a noble record of life’s joys and tragedies.
According to Paul, Abe and Sarah made a baby, and thus fulfilled their destiny. But for the rest of us old people who will hear that lection read next Sunday, having a baby to fulfill our destiny doesn’t sound like a viable option, especially if (like Bev and myself) we’ve “bin there, done that, got the t-shirt.”
So if it’s not making babies, what is the value, the calling, the point of living for an old person? The younger old people can still do lots of stuff, and are in fact making huge contributions to their churches and communities. But that ability slowly disappears, and all too soon, simply staying alive is about all that can be managed.
Is there still a destiny, a calling, a point of living for such old people? I’d like to know, because I’ve had a few intimations that I’ll be at that stage far sooner than I want to be. And if you take a look around at the faces in the pews of most churches, I’m not the only one with that question.
I was with Bev on the last visit she made to her step-mom just before she died. Madeline’s eyes were dull. There was not a flicker of recognition. And yet as Bev held her hand and talked to her, it was easy to see that she was treasured, valued, loved.
Maybe that’s the point of life to those of us who are “as good as dead.” We are loved. If not by another person, than at least by God.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Invasion of the Peace Snatchers
I live in two distinct communities.
Not because I move. But because the community’s mood changes with the seasons.
For nine months of the year, Okanagan Centre is a quiet rural retreat. The main street, running along the lakeshore, has so few vehicles on it that people stroll down the middle, with trees arching overhead, walking their dogs. They stop to chat with neighbours. Some will even pull an occasional weed from someone else’s garden as they pass by.
During the summer months, though, the world descends upon us, with speeding cars, rumbling trucks, and noisy boats. The only public boat launch between Kelowna and Vernon – approximately 50 km apart – is packed with people trying to get ever-larger and more powerful boats into or out of the water.
People park their boat trailers anywhere they can find room – along the roadside, in front of driveways, even on private lawns.
The roads get so congested, at times, that a fire truck couldn’t get through if someone’s house caught fire.
And yet some drivers still slalom through the constricted spaces at well over the speed limit.
Nine months of the year, there’s no litter lying around. Three months of the year, I pick up enough discarded beer cans on my morning walks to pay for my purchases.
Nine months of the year, we don’t need – and don’t want – curbs and sidewalks. Three months of the year, they’re vital to protect pedestrians.
Nine months of the year, weather permitting, I keep my windows open. I can hear birds singing, leaves rustling, and deer high-stepping along our gravel lane. Three months of the year, I keep doors and windows closed to reduce the barrage of noise coming up from the waterfront.
If psychiatric definitions could apply to a whole community, rather than to individuals, we would probably be diagnosed as suffering from bipolar disorder. The National Institute of Mental Health (U.S.) offers this definition: “Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness... causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, and ability to function.”
That’s us in a nutshell. The community oscillates between a slow, relaxed pace of living that residents of downtown New York or Toronto would probably consider almost comatose, and something resembling manic.
And like any individual suffering from bipolar disorder, we’re bewildered by what seems to be happening to us. It seems to be out of our control. It’s not something we’re doing – it’s something being done to us, by outsiders, who come, do their damage like an infectious virus, and then go, leaving us exhausted.
We react to the annual invasion with either anger or depression. Some simply feel helpless. Others call meetings and brainstorm improbable solutions. Some dream of limiting access to the whole community, putting gates across the only three access roads. A few seriously consider sabotaging those who thoughtlessly disrupt our privileged lifestyle.
Meanwhile, the situation gets worse, every summer.
The National Institute of Mental Health has good news for individuals: “Bipolar disorder can be treated.”
But how do you treat a whole community?
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Stephani Keer noticed a “funny split in a headline on CNN Headline News.
Gas will pass
$4 this weekend
Ray Reese on the Gold Coast in Australia enjoyed a giggle at a change of plans announcement that ended, " We trust this won’t cause too much of an incontinence."
At a photo club gathering the other night, a member asked me for my e-mail address, so I gave him my card. “What’s that DD after your name?” he wondered. “Designated Driver?”
For those in leadership roles in the church, “Designated Driver” – someone who keeps a hand on the wheel and tries not to be intoxicated by wealth, power, popularity – is not a bad title.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – The mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be lit.
Plutarch via Lisa Heckman
Two things are infinite. The universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the former.
attributed to Albert Einstein
My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
Erma Bombeck via Evelyn McLachlan
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We Get Letters – Shirley Hutchins writes: “I believe your information on Mother's Day is not quite right.
“Anna Jarvis of Grafton, WV is considered ‘the mother's day’ person. She did this to honor all mothers. She began her emphasis, crusade, devotion, whatever you want to call it, in her own home town with a special church service on the anniversary of her mother's death, May 14, 1905. A letter writing campaign followed. President Woodrow Wilson proclaimed the second Sunday of May as Mother's Day and urged citizens to fly the American flag "as a public expression of our love and reverence for the mothers of our country."
Jim Spinks found an interesting word on the web recently. “If you've got a long list of complaints you might want to characterize them, somewhat literarily, as a jeremiad. The word, an 18th-century entry into English, is inspired by Jeremiah, the Old Testament fellow who found much not to his liking in Lamentations.”
Jim, Jeremiah is easily my favorite prophet, I think because he was just a little bit nuts (in the best sense of the word).
Lauren Moore of Lake Village, Arkansas writes: You brought me up with a start this morning when I read “keepers of the sacred Bloopers,” in Rumors.
In a sense that’s what we preacher/pastor folks are. Part of being human is getting things all mixed up and arse-backwards. Bloopers happen, to paraphrase a well-known saying. But as I habitually remind my congregations, as Christmas comes near and everyone is in a pure frenzy about making it come out “perfect,” somehow it’s the stories of the imperfect ones that get remembered and handed down through the family. So the bloopers are sacred, because they are part of what we pass on to remind each other and the generations yet to come of who we are and who God is.
George Brigham of Shipley, West Yorkshire, says our story about the dead dog in the suitcase reminds him of another dead dog story.
Two policemen, in England, were keeping watch on a site near a pond, in a wood. They were part of a surveillance operation that had been going on for months at the site of an IRA arms cache. It was boring. Nothing ever happened and they didn't expect anything to be different that night.
Then it happened. A car drove up. The driver got out. He opened the boot (which is, being interpreted, the trunk) and threw something quite heavy into the pond. Was it more weapons, or what?
They noted the registration of the car and when it drove off they dragged the heavy object out of the pond – a dead dog. Having checked the address of the car owner – an address about 10 miles away – one of the policemen noted that it was on his way home.
So it was that, about 6 am, a dead dog was placed on the doorstep of a house in a suburban street and, next morning, the owner was left to wonder how the dog had found his way home.
Sharyl Peterson of Grand Junction, Colorado writes that they have “just fixed some cracks in our roof with four Eterna-Bond patches. Given its theological name, I was wondering whether this is a material made just for churches.
Last week, we were in a church that was having its slate-roof replaced – by a company called Grace. Each large slate had "Grace" written prominently across its center – leading one of our facilitators to remind us that we were all now covered by Grace.
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Play ball!”) All sport has many elements of a religion mixed in with it. Years ago I managed to ruffle more than a few feathers by doing a piece on the CBC claiming that the Grey Cup (football) Game was Canada’s greatest religious festival.
This, from John Severson and Evelyn McLachlin.
Religion as Baseball
* Calvinists believe the game is fixed.
* Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper.
* Quakers won't swing.
* Unitarians can catch anything.
* Amish walk a lot.
* Pagans sacrifice.
* Jehovah's Witnesses are thrown out often.
* Televangelists get caught stealing.
* Episcopalians pass the plate.
* Evangelicals make effective pitches.
* Fundamentalists balk.
* Adventists have a seventh-inning stretch.
* Atheists refuse to have an Umpire.
* Baptists want to play hardball.
* Premillenialists expect the game to be called soon on account of darkness.
* The Pope claims never to have committed an error.
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Bottom of the Barrel – This from Stephani Keer, who should hang her head in shame. What is the world coming to!? Titch! Titch!
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her but on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France. When she went out west, they told her to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw.
Why? Because he is just a common tater.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
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To Unsubscribe:
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Preaching Materials for June 1, 2008
R U M O R S # 503
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-05-25
May 25, 2008
THE UNHAPPY NOAH STORY
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there.
Thanks.
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The Story Lectionary – specialization
Revised Common Lectionary – educating God
Rumors – there is still hope
Soft Edges – keepers of the sacred
Bloopers – when it turns into froth
We Get Letters – worrying about your kids
Mirabile Dictu! – mom said so
Bottom of the Barrel – the admiral and the bishop
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – The young minister was visiting a sick church member.
After a longish struggle at making what he felt was the right sort of conversation in the circumstances, he asked cautiously, “Would you like me to pray with you?”
“By all means,” said the patient, “if you think it will help you!”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, June 1st, which is the 3rd Sunday after Pentecost.
Story Lectionary Acts 6:7 – 8:1 (Selected verses. Go to the “reader’s theatre” script at the story-lectionary site to see the selected verses and how we handled them.)
This is a story from the early church when it was still very much a sect within Judaism. That includes those called “Hellenists.” Every one of the people in this story would have seen this as a struggle within the Jewish community.
It’s a bit comforting to see that even in those very first days, there were people who complained about being left out and not getting their share, and arguments over correct belief.
Stephen has always seemed to me to be bit of the heroic stereotype. Maybe it’s his echoing of Jesus’ dying words that does it. I know there are many who quite disagree with that impression, some (not all) who think we should never say anything negative about anyone who is described positively in the Bible.
The first part of chapter 6 recounts the beginning of specialization within the church – those who relate to the “word of God” and those who wait on tables. The solution to one problem always creates some other problem, because with specialization comes status – my calling is higher than your calling.
Virtually every church in which I’ve worshipped speaks of our “mutual ministry.” Some announce in their bulletins: “Ministers: everyone in the congregation.” But I’d bet you a good Canadian looney that if you asked members of the congregation, “Who is your minister,” 9 out of 10 would point to their clergy.
So. Is the story of Stephen the story of status and conflict in our congregations? Our communities? Are levels of status necessarily wrong? What about conflict?
(One of the nice things about writing Rumors is that I get to ask all the difficult questions, but I don’t have to deal with them in a congregation.)
So check out Jim’s preaching ideas, Linnea’s creativity, and my “Reader’s Theatre” scripture presentation at:
http://www.story-lectionary.com
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Revised Common Lectionary: Genesis 6:9-22; 7:24; 8:14-19 – In “The Family Story Bible” and in “The Lectionary Story Bible” I wrote the story of Noah for children. The only criticism I’ve heard of that story was from one poor soul who was upset because he could see the bare buttocks of a child in the first book – something he considered “highly inappropriate” for a book of Bible stories.
Both of those books are for children, so I suppose it’s forgivable, but I don’t like that version of Noah story. It turns a painful legend into a happy little yarn about animals two-by-two and rainbows and all that nice stuff.
The legend of Noah is not a happy story. It is a horrifying story. God decides to kill every living thing on earth, except for the few in the ark. Genocide! When Noah looked out over the water, he would have seen bloated corpses – human and animal – floating by.
And later in the story Noah drinks himself blotto and winds up cursing his son Ham who saw his drunken daddy in his birthday suit – a story that was used for centuries to justify the slavery of African people.
In the “Genesis” series that Bill Moyers did on US public television, one of the participants spoke of that book as “the education of God.” Or perhaps the growing awareness of ancient people who told these legends and developed a mythology to understand what God is like.
So. Is our modern story about God substantially different?
Psalm 46 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 Wars and rumors of wars swirl around us;
corporate strife and struggle engulf us.
Only God stands firm in these shifting sands.
God is our shelter from them;
God gives us strength to go out into the stresses of each day.
2 We have nothing to fear.
Though the social order is shaken,
though our leaders come crashing down,
3 Though long-honored standards fly at half-mast
and the values we inherited are scorned –
even then, we have nothing to fear.
4 The comforting presence of God pours over us
like cool water on a burning beach;
it makes us glad.
5 God is with us;
God is an oasis of peace upon a darkened plain
6 where ignorant armies clash by night.
The ambitious leap over each other;
The emperor stands naked in the cold clear light of innocence.
They are frozen in their folly.
7 But God is with us;
God is our sanctuary.
8 See how wonderfully the Lord works!
Those who would beat others have beaten themselves;
9 Those obsessed with winning wind up as losers;
Those who think only of themselves find that no one thinks of them at all.
All their struggles add up to nothing.
10 This is God's word to the warring: "Be still!
Be still, and know that I – and only I – am God!"
11 In the tumult of the nations,
in the torment of the earth,
God is with us.
God is our sanctuary.
Thanks be to God.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Romans 1:16-17 – This is the central thesis of all Paul’s writings. “The one who is righteous will live by faith,” and my copy has a footnote that an alternate translation would be “the one who is righteous through faith will live.”
Either way, it’s the “faith” that is operative, though the “righteousness” is a necessary component. Which I guess means that if you are an illegal arms dealer and you rob hungry old folks on the street, all the faith in the world isn’t going to work for you.
But the other extreme doesn’t work either. If we claim that we need to be morally perfect, there isn’t one of us who could qualify.
We can’t earn our salvation, but I think we’ll only recognize and accept the gift in the context of our daily struggle to live the gospel. If we are not on that quest – as much as it is given to us to understand that quest – the faith we proclaim is empty.
Matthew 7:21-29 – Everything in the above blurb about Romans applies to this passage as well. Maybe that’s why the whole discussion about “works” and “faith” is a bit of a “straw man” we set up to argue over, when it seems to me the life we lead and the faith we hold are all threads in the same fabric.
People honestly struggling to do God’s work will find faith. People of faith will find themselves struggling to do God’s work. As the song goes, “Ye can’t have one without the other.”
For children, you’ll find the Noah Story on page 124 of “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A.” Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
For those of you living in the Okanagan Valley, the second volume in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” will be launched at the June 6-8 “Worship Matters” event in Vernon, BC. Margaret Kyle (who did the fabulous art work) and I will be there to sign and smile at noon on the Saturday.
The featured speaker is Dr. Jana Childers, Dean of San Francisco Theological Seminary. Check it out at:
http://www.united-church.ca/getinvolved/events/worshipmatters/vernon
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Rumors – After my somewhat negative outburst in my comments on the Noah story (above), I need to add that it is also an immensely positive story. The idea that God despairs, but doesn’t give up on humanity, and that the rainbow is a symbol of God’s promise and God’s hope.
I remember being startled and surprised when son Mark – many years ago when he was a teenager – told me that the presence of particle matter in the air, i.e. pollution, makes rainbows disappear. You only get rainbows when the air is clean. I can’t remember exactly how that works, but that’s the way it works.
Being “green” is so “in” these days, I’m concerned that it will pass just like every other fad, and we’ll be back to the few constant, faithful folk who have been working for years to keep our planet healthy. They will be there years from now when the “go-green” passion will again be seen as slightly kooky and marginal. I’m not convinced the current massive media attention is a good thing. Grass fires burn out quickly.
For those of us in the Judeo Christian tradition, the Noah legend reminds us that God’s rainbow covenant has two parties to it. God and us.
So fad or no, we’ll keep on living and proclaiming our convictions as best we can, knowing that while that rainbow still appears, at least occasionally, there is still hope.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Keepers of the Sacred
Here’s a provocative statement about the church: “Society has fired us as keepers of the sacred.”
That doesn’t come from vociferous atheists like Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens, who have had books riding high in bestseller lists. It comes from Bruce Sanguin, minister of Canadian Memorial United Church in Vancouver.
Once upon a time, “keepers of the sacred” described the Christian church fairly well. The church – more accurately, its clergy – dispensed history, tradition, education, healing... Often, it was the last resort for justice, when people sought sanctuary within its walls.
But times have changed. The church has handed over history to universities, education to public schools, justice to the courts, healing to governments and professional associations. The church still upholds its own traditions, but fewer and fewer people seem to care.
In Canada, the fastest growing religion is “none.” Fifty years ago, less than two per cent of census returns indicated “no religion.” Today, 17 per cent do nationally; in B.C., 35 per cent.
A quotation often attributed to British author G. K. Chesterton says “When people stop believing in God, they don't believe in nothing – they’ll believe in anything.”
So other things become “sacred.”
Lottery sales suggest that many transfer their faith to the almighty dollar. The volume and content of my spam e-mail suggests that vast numbers now worship at the altar of sex. A significant number have raised nature to the status of god.
Meanwhile, church membership has plunged. The United Church of Canada now has fewer adult members than it used to have children in Sunday schools. Conservative churches – even the mega churches that everyone wanted to imitate – are feeling the squeeze too, but about 20 years behind the mainline churches.
If the church has become just another service club, then I’d have to say that service clubs do a better job. Rotary has almost eliminated polio worldwide. Kinsmen raise millions every year to support cystic fibrosis research and treatment.
I admire Rotary’s motto of “Service above self.” I support their adherence to four principles: truth, fairness, goodwill and friendship, beneficial to all. But with no disrespect, I rarely hear much examination of “Why?” Why give so generously? Why serve? Why care?
It’s just taken for granted that we should. I guess if you don’t, you would never join Rotary.
The churches I know are the only places that regularly ask, “Why?”
Every week, in church, someone makes the effort to explore why we take certain principles and values for granted.
Contrary to some assumptions, our system of ethics did not spring fully formed from The Enlightenment in the 18th century. It was shaped over centuries by what people considered encounters with God. With the holy. With the sacred.
Some people wrote those encounters down. Christians call that record their Bible. Others reflected on the implications of those encounters. We call that theology.
As long as churches continue to explore the significance of those encounters, churches will continue to be “keepers of the sacred.”
Whether or not society cares.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Carl Boyke says this was lifted from “Reader's Digest.” My appointment as pastor coincided with the church's appeal for aid for victims of a hurricane. Unfortunately, on my first Sunday in the parish, the center page of the church bulletin was accidentally omitted. So members of the congregation read from the bottom of the second page to the top of the last page: "Welcome to the Rev. Andrew Jensen and his family ... the worst disaster to hit the area in this century. The full extent of the tragedy is not yet known."
Jayne Whyte of Fort Qu'Appelle, Saskatchewan found a “wonderful typo from this week's bulletin: ‘God's word goes froth.’ Is that an effervescent overflowing, a windblown wave against the shore, or just empty air?
Jane, it’s true. I’ve had lots of experiences of trying to hear God’s Word and to put that into words, only have it “go froth” on me.
* From the file: The minister announced one of his favorite hymns at the evening service: "Savior, like a shepherd lead us." "Joyce and I had it sung 29 years ago at our funeral,"
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – The Law of the Conservation of Filth: for something to get clean something else must get dirty.
Erma Bombeck via Evelyn McLachlan
God brings people into deep waters, not to drown them, but to cleanse them.
source unknown
Reason is always a kind of brute force. Those who appeal to the head rather than the heart, however pallid and polite, are necessarily people of violence. We speak of 'touching' a person’s heart. But we can do nothing to a person’s head but hit it. G.K. Chesterton via Jim Taylor
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We Get Letters – Elizabeth Wall writes: “On a computerized list of book titles, a couple of them jumped out at me: “Who's Pushing Your Butt? and “We Cannot Keep from Sin”.
The limited space meant that the ends of the original titles were cut off. They are: “Who's Pushing Your Buttons?” and “We Cannot Keep from Singing.”
Elizabeth, I liked the shorter titles better.
Warwick Hambleton of Huntly, New Zealand writes: “I've heard on the news lately that in this or that disaster X-number of people were confirmed dead. This makes it a bit hard when you are in the church that practices confirmation.”
True, Warwick. It also helps explain what happens to some of those folks we confirm.
Stephani Keer stays up much too late at night. She should hit the sack at 8:30 like a good little girl, but instead she stays up late at night watching Jay Leno (whatever or whoever that is) and then inflicting on me e-mails such as following:
“Wanted to pass on a few things I noted from the Jay Leno headlines segment at some ridiculous hour this morning.
* Lakeview Memorial Estates. For references, you may contact directly those buried there.
* An ad for dog food: "Classic ground puppy/with lamb and rice."
There were a couple of other comments I liked from Leno last night: "75,000 people attended a Barack Obama rally and he fed them all with five loaves and two fishes."
“Now, aren't you glad I stay up at night?”
Dorothy Harrowing of Madeira Park, British Columbia writes: “In last Sunday's Rumors you asked the question ‘Do you ever stop worrying about your kids?’” Dorothy says he heard a minister tell this on the radio.
“A 96 year old mother was being interviewed about her long life and how she felt about being a Mother all those years.
‘I feel just wonderful,’ was her reply. ‘For the first time since I became a Mother, I no longer have to worry about my children.’
‘How is that?’
‘They’re both in nursing homes’."
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Mom said so!”) Peggy Neufeldt of Ponoka, Alberta, writes: “I'm certain you must have seen this before, as I had, but it still gave me a chuckle or two.”
You’re right, Peggy. On both counts. But for no reasons I can think of, it seems a good thing to run again, as we move into summer. Or winter, if you’re south of the equator.
* My mother taught me religion. 'You better pray that spot will come out of the carpet.'
* My mother taught me about time travel. 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
* My mother taught me about logic. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
* My mother taught me foresight. 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
* My mother taught me about the science of osmosis.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
* My mother taught me about contortionism. 'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?'
* My mother taught me about behavior modification. 'Stop acting like your father!'
* My mother taught me about envy. 'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
* My mother taught me ESP. 'Put your sweater on! Don't you think I know when you are cold?'
* My mother taught me humor. 'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
* My mother taught me how to become an adult. 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
* My mother taught me genetics. 'You're just like your father.'
* My mother taught me wisdom. 'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
* My mother taught me about justice. 'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
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Bottom of the Barrel – There was a British admiral and an Anglican bishop. The two had gone to school together, always competing with each other, never really liking the other.
When they left school, both had succeeded well in their chosen field. One day, they met each other in London’s Liverpool Street Station. The Bishop pretended not to recognize the Admiral, and set out to put him in his place.
“I say. Conductor! Which is the next train to Birmingham?”
“Madam,” said the Admiral. “In your condition, should you be traveling?”
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-05-25
May 25, 2008
THE UNHAPPY NOAH STORY
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there.
Thanks.
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The Story Lectionary – specialization
Revised Common Lectionary – educating God
Rumors – there is still hope
Soft Edges – keepers of the sacred
Bloopers – when it turns into froth
We Get Letters – worrying about your kids
Mirabile Dictu! – mom said so
Bottom of the Barrel – the admiral and the bishop
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – The young minister was visiting a sick church member.
After a longish struggle at making what he felt was the right sort of conversation in the circumstances, he asked cautiously, “Would you like me to pray with you?”
“By all means,” said the patient, “if you think it will help you!”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, June 1st, which is the 3rd Sunday after Pentecost.
Story Lectionary Acts 6:7 – 8:1 (Selected verses. Go to the “reader’s theatre” script at the story-lectionary site to see the selected verses and how we handled them.)
This is a story from the early church when it was still very much a sect within Judaism. That includes those called “Hellenists.” Every one of the people in this story would have seen this as a struggle within the Jewish community.
It’s a bit comforting to see that even in those very first days, there were people who complained about being left out and not getting their share, and arguments over correct belief.
Stephen has always seemed to me to be bit of the heroic stereotype. Maybe it’s his echoing of Jesus’ dying words that does it. I know there are many who quite disagree with that impression, some (not all) who think we should never say anything negative about anyone who is described positively in the Bible.
The first part of chapter 6 recounts the beginning of specialization within the church – those who relate to the “word of God” and those who wait on tables. The solution to one problem always creates some other problem, because with specialization comes status – my calling is higher than your calling.
Virtually every church in which I’ve worshipped speaks of our “mutual ministry.” Some announce in their bulletins: “Ministers: everyone in the congregation.” But I’d bet you a good Canadian looney that if you asked members of the congregation, “Who is your minister,” 9 out of 10 would point to their clergy.
So. Is the story of Stephen the story of status and conflict in our congregations? Our communities? Are levels of status necessarily wrong? What about conflict?
(One of the nice things about writing Rumors is that I get to ask all the difficult questions, but I don’t have to deal with them in a congregation.)
So check out Jim’s preaching ideas, Linnea’s creativity, and my “Reader’s Theatre” scripture presentation at:
http://www.story-lectionary.com
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Revised Common Lectionary: Genesis 6:9-22; 7:24; 8:14-19 – In “The Family Story Bible” and in “The Lectionary Story Bible” I wrote the story of Noah for children. The only criticism I’ve heard of that story was from one poor soul who was upset because he could see the bare buttocks of a child in the first book – something he considered “highly inappropriate” for a book of Bible stories.
Both of those books are for children, so I suppose it’s forgivable, but I don’t like that version of Noah story. It turns a painful legend into a happy little yarn about animals two-by-two and rainbows and all that nice stuff.
The legend of Noah is not a happy story. It is a horrifying story. God decides to kill every living thing on earth, except for the few in the ark. Genocide! When Noah looked out over the water, he would have seen bloated corpses – human and animal – floating by.
And later in the story Noah drinks himself blotto and winds up cursing his son Ham who saw his drunken daddy in his birthday suit – a story that was used for centuries to justify the slavery of African people.
In the “Genesis” series that Bill Moyers did on US public television, one of the participants spoke of that book as “the education of God.” Or perhaps the growing awareness of ancient people who told these legends and developed a mythology to understand what God is like.
So. Is our modern story about God substantially different?
Psalm 46 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 Wars and rumors of wars swirl around us;
corporate strife and struggle engulf us.
Only God stands firm in these shifting sands.
God is our shelter from them;
God gives us strength to go out into the stresses of each day.
2 We have nothing to fear.
Though the social order is shaken,
though our leaders come crashing down,
3 Though long-honored standards fly at half-mast
and the values we inherited are scorned –
even then, we have nothing to fear.
4 The comforting presence of God pours over us
like cool water on a burning beach;
it makes us glad.
5 God is with us;
God is an oasis of peace upon a darkened plain
6 where ignorant armies clash by night.
The ambitious leap over each other;
The emperor stands naked in the cold clear light of innocence.
They are frozen in their folly.
7 But God is with us;
God is our sanctuary.
8 See how wonderfully the Lord works!
Those who would beat others have beaten themselves;
9 Those obsessed with winning wind up as losers;
Those who think only of themselves find that no one thinks of them at all.
All their struggles add up to nothing.
10 This is God's word to the warring: "Be still!
Be still, and know that I – and only I – am God!"
11 In the tumult of the nations,
in the torment of the earth,
God is with us.
God is our sanctuary.
Thanks be to God.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Romans 1:16-17 – This is the central thesis of all Paul’s writings. “The one who is righteous will live by faith,” and my copy has a footnote that an alternate translation would be “the one who is righteous through faith will live.”
Either way, it’s the “faith” that is operative, though the “righteousness” is a necessary component. Which I guess means that if you are an illegal arms dealer and you rob hungry old folks on the street, all the faith in the world isn’t going to work for you.
But the other extreme doesn’t work either. If we claim that we need to be morally perfect, there isn’t one of us who could qualify.
We can’t earn our salvation, but I think we’ll only recognize and accept the gift in the context of our daily struggle to live the gospel. If we are not on that quest – as much as it is given to us to understand that quest – the faith we proclaim is empty.
Matthew 7:21-29 – Everything in the above blurb about Romans applies to this passage as well. Maybe that’s why the whole discussion about “works” and “faith” is a bit of a “straw man” we set up to argue over, when it seems to me the life we lead and the faith we hold are all threads in the same fabric.
People honestly struggling to do God’s work will find faith. People of faith will find themselves struggling to do God’s work. As the song goes, “Ye can’t have one without the other.”
For children, you’ll find the Noah Story on page 124 of “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A.” Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
For those of you living in the Okanagan Valley, the second volume in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” will be launched at the June 6-8 “Worship Matters” event in Vernon, BC. Margaret Kyle (who did the fabulous art work) and I will be there to sign and smile at noon on the Saturday.
The featured speaker is Dr. Jana Childers, Dean of San Francisco Theological Seminary. Check it out at:
http://www.united-church.ca/getinvolved/events/worshipmatters/vernon
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Rumors – After my somewhat negative outburst in my comments on the Noah story (above), I need to add that it is also an immensely positive story. The idea that God despairs, but doesn’t give up on humanity, and that the rainbow is a symbol of God’s promise and God’s hope.
I remember being startled and surprised when son Mark – many years ago when he was a teenager – told me that the presence of particle matter in the air, i.e. pollution, makes rainbows disappear. You only get rainbows when the air is clean. I can’t remember exactly how that works, but that’s the way it works.
Being “green” is so “in” these days, I’m concerned that it will pass just like every other fad, and we’ll be back to the few constant, faithful folk who have been working for years to keep our planet healthy. They will be there years from now when the “go-green” passion will again be seen as slightly kooky and marginal. I’m not convinced the current massive media attention is a good thing. Grass fires burn out quickly.
For those of us in the Judeo Christian tradition, the Noah legend reminds us that God’s rainbow covenant has two parties to it. God and us.
So fad or no, we’ll keep on living and proclaiming our convictions as best we can, knowing that while that rainbow still appears, at least occasionally, there is still hope.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Keepers of the Sacred
Here’s a provocative statement about the church: “Society has fired us as keepers of the sacred.”
That doesn’t come from vociferous atheists like Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens, who have had books riding high in bestseller lists. It comes from Bruce Sanguin, minister of Canadian Memorial United Church in Vancouver.
Once upon a time, “keepers of the sacred” described the Christian church fairly well. The church – more accurately, its clergy – dispensed history, tradition, education, healing... Often, it was the last resort for justice, when people sought sanctuary within its walls.
But times have changed. The church has handed over history to universities, education to public schools, justice to the courts, healing to governments and professional associations. The church still upholds its own traditions, but fewer and fewer people seem to care.
In Canada, the fastest growing religion is “none.” Fifty years ago, less than two per cent of census returns indicated “no religion.” Today, 17 per cent do nationally; in B.C., 35 per cent.
A quotation often attributed to British author G. K. Chesterton says “When people stop believing in God, they don't believe in nothing – they’ll believe in anything.”
So other things become “sacred.”
Lottery sales suggest that many transfer their faith to the almighty dollar. The volume and content of my spam e-mail suggests that vast numbers now worship at the altar of sex. A significant number have raised nature to the status of god.
Meanwhile, church membership has plunged. The United Church of Canada now has fewer adult members than it used to have children in Sunday schools. Conservative churches – even the mega churches that everyone wanted to imitate – are feeling the squeeze too, but about 20 years behind the mainline churches.
If the church has become just another service club, then I’d have to say that service clubs do a better job. Rotary has almost eliminated polio worldwide. Kinsmen raise millions every year to support cystic fibrosis research and treatment.
I admire Rotary’s motto of “Service above self.” I support their adherence to four principles: truth, fairness, goodwill and friendship, beneficial to all. But with no disrespect, I rarely hear much examination of “Why?” Why give so generously? Why serve? Why care?
It’s just taken for granted that we should. I guess if you don’t, you would never join Rotary.
The churches I know are the only places that regularly ask, “Why?”
Every week, in church, someone makes the effort to explore why we take certain principles and values for granted.
Contrary to some assumptions, our system of ethics did not spring fully formed from The Enlightenment in the 18th century. It was shaped over centuries by what people considered encounters with God. With the holy. With the sacred.
Some people wrote those encounters down. Christians call that record their Bible. Others reflected on the implications of those encounters. We call that theology.
As long as churches continue to explore the significance of those encounters, churches will continue to be “keepers of the sacred.”
Whether or not society cares.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Carl Boyke says this was lifted from “Reader's Digest.” My appointment as pastor coincided with the church's appeal for aid for victims of a hurricane. Unfortunately, on my first Sunday in the parish, the center page of the church bulletin was accidentally omitted. So members of the congregation read from the bottom of the second page to the top of the last page: "Welcome to the Rev. Andrew Jensen and his family ... the worst disaster to hit the area in this century. The full extent of the tragedy is not yet known."
Jayne Whyte of Fort Qu'Appelle, Saskatchewan found a “wonderful typo from this week's bulletin: ‘God's word goes froth.’ Is that an effervescent overflowing, a windblown wave against the shore, or just empty air?
Jane, it’s true. I’ve had lots of experiences of trying to hear God’s Word and to put that into words, only have it “go froth” on me.
* From the file: The minister announced one of his favorite hymns at the evening service: "Savior, like a shepherd lead us." "Joyce and I had it sung 29 years ago at our funeral,"
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – The Law of the Conservation of Filth: for something to get clean something else must get dirty.
Erma Bombeck via Evelyn McLachlan
God brings people into deep waters, not to drown them, but to cleanse them.
source unknown
Reason is always a kind of brute force. Those who appeal to the head rather than the heart, however pallid and polite, are necessarily people of violence. We speak of 'touching' a person’s heart. But we can do nothing to a person’s head but hit it. G.K. Chesterton via Jim Taylor
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We Get Letters – Elizabeth Wall writes: “On a computerized list of book titles, a couple of them jumped out at me: “Who's Pushing Your Butt? and “We Cannot Keep from Sin”.
The limited space meant that the ends of the original titles were cut off. They are: “Who's Pushing Your Buttons?” and “We Cannot Keep from Singing.”
Elizabeth, I liked the shorter titles better.
Warwick Hambleton of Huntly, New Zealand writes: “I've heard on the news lately that in this or that disaster X-number of people were confirmed dead. This makes it a bit hard when you are in the church that practices confirmation.”
True, Warwick. It also helps explain what happens to some of those folks we confirm.
Stephani Keer stays up much too late at night. She should hit the sack at 8:30 like a good little girl, but instead she stays up late at night watching Jay Leno (whatever or whoever that is) and then inflicting on me e-mails such as following:
“Wanted to pass on a few things I noted from the Jay Leno headlines segment at some ridiculous hour this morning.
* Lakeview Memorial Estates. For references, you may contact directly those buried there.
* An ad for dog food: "Classic ground puppy/with lamb and rice."
There were a couple of other comments I liked from Leno last night: "75,000 people attended a Barack Obama rally and he fed them all with five loaves and two fishes."
“Now, aren't you glad I stay up at night?”
Dorothy Harrowing of Madeira Park, British Columbia writes: “In last Sunday's Rumors you asked the question ‘Do you ever stop worrying about your kids?’” Dorothy says he heard a minister tell this on the radio.
“A 96 year old mother was being interviewed about her long life and how she felt about being a Mother all those years.
‘I feel just wonderful,’ was her reply. ‘For the first time since I became a Mother, I no longer have to worry about my children.’
‘How is that?’
‘They’re both in nursing homes’."
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Mom said so!”) Peggy Neufeldt of Ponoka, Alberta, writes: “I'm certain you must have seen this before, as I had, but it still gave me a chuckle or two.”
You’re right, Peggy. On both counts. But for no reasons I can think of, it seems a good thing to run again, as we move into summer. Or winter, if you’re south of the equator.
* My mother taught me religion. 'You better pray that spot will come out of the carpet.'
* My mother taught me about time travel. 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
* My mother taught me about logic. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
* My mother taught me foresight. 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
* My mother taught me about the science of osmosis.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
* My mother taught me about contortionism. 'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?'
* My mother taught me about behavior modification. 'Stop acting like your father!'
* My mother taught me about envy. 'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
* My mother taught me ESP. 'Put your sweater on! Don't you think I know when you are cold?'
* My mother taught me humor. 'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
* My mother taught me how to become an adult. 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
* My mother taught me genetics. 'You're just like your father.'
* My mother taught me wisdom. 'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
* My mother taught me about justice. 'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
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Bottom of the Barrel – There was a British admiral and an Anglican bishop. The two had gone to school together, always competing with each other, never really liking the other.
When they left school, both had succeeded well in their chosen field. One day, they met each other in London’s Liverpool Street Station. The Bishop pretended not to recognize the Admiral, and set out to put him in his place.
“I say. Conductor! Which is the next train to Birmingham?”
“Madam,” said the Admiral. “In your condition, should you be traveling?”
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Preaching Materials for May 25, 2008
R U M O R S # 502
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-05-18
May 18, 2008
NICE TRY, BUT NO CIGAR
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there.
Thanks.
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The Story Lectionary – top-down control
Revised Common Lectionary – that aching, yearning love
Rumors – preaching around
Soft Edges – making sense of life
Bloopers – nice redemption
We Get Letters – completely experienced
Mirabile Dictu! – may cause drowsiness
Bottom of the Barrel – a bird named Moses
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – The stewardship chairperson was giving a talk to the congregation.
“The Lord loves a cheerful giver,” she concluded. “But the Lord also accepts donations from a grouch.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, May 25th, which is the second Sunday after Pentecost.
Story Lectionary: Acts 2:43-47, 5:1-11
We chose this passage because it seemed logical to tell the story of how folks made out after the excitement of Pentecost. They decided that to live the kind of community the Spirit had called into being, meant that they needed to remove all economic disparities. But that all came down with a dull thud when human nature got into the mix. Ananias and Sapphira wanted to get credit for giving all their wealth to the community, while keeping some of it back for themselves.
Quite a number of years ago, while researching communal living for some magazine articles and TV shows, I came to the conclusion that the only communities that succeeded beyond their first charismatic leaders, were ones with a strong, top-down control.
Governments with a socialist inclination have managed a bit of it – such as the social safety net to pay for medical expenses and to provide care for those who are marginalized in the system. That’s at least a small slice of what the first Christian community attempted. Here in Canada, that small slice is under significant threat.
But honestly now. Are we really not quite relieved that Ananias and Sapphira brought some reality to the system? Bev and I put our 10% into the communal pot, but we clutch the rest of it pretty firmly.
Maybe the sermon coming out of this would be on the nature of community – and the role of money in that community.
The Reader’s Theatre version of this passage provides a basis for a reflection on this topic. Also check out Linnea Good’s and Jim Taylor’s contributions. Click on:
http://www.story-lectionary.com
If you’d like to join the “Share-the-Wealth” on-line discussion group related to the Story Lectionary, just send me an e-mail at:
ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Revised Common Lectionary – Isaiah 49:8-16a
Things are a little weird with the lectionary because of Easter being so early this year. The RCL tells us to go back and use the readings for the 8th Sunday after the Epiphany.
Now that we’ve slithered past our allotted three-score and ten, and still chugging along, Bev and I have wondered – do you ever stop worrying about your kids? Well, no. You don’t. Even though they have made it quite clear they don’t want us worrying about them, which is like telling a stream to stop flowing downhill. And it’s made more interesting by the fact that at some point along the way, they start parenting you.
We imagine God using our own experience as metaphors. God as loving parent is still the strongest metaphor we have, even though it doesn’t work for some. But God, as the best parent we can imagine, works well for most people.
So those of us who are parents can feel the aching, yearning love in verse 5. “Can a woman forget her nursing child. . .? Even though said child is now middle-aged and a parent also?
It’s not perfect and certainly not complete. But as way of understanding God’s love for us, this is probably the best metaphor we have.
Psalm 131 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
For homemakers and secretaries and other important people.
1 I do not want to seem proud or ambitious. I keep my eyes on the ground; I don't push my own views; I don't meddle with business or politics.
2 But I take care of little things. I keep life running smoothly. I have learned to be content, not to be brazen or demanding; I accept whatever life brings me with humility.
3 Is there hope for people like me, too, Lord? Does glory go only to the great and the mighty?
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
1 Corinthians 4:1-5 – This passage has me scratching my bald spot. Did somebody accuse Paul of something? Is somebody complaining about his ministry?
It’s the reality of any community, gathered for whatever reasons, that somebody will find something about the leadership to complain about. Bev belongs to the Quilting Guild and I belong to a photo club, and as we compare notes from time to time, it is both amusing and distressing how they are so much like a church. Such as complaining about the leadership, though unwilling to assume that leadership themselves.
Matthew 6:24-34 – I remember the response of a single mother to this passage. “Yeah, right! It’s a week before payday and I’ve got just enough money to buy bread and peanut butter to eat for a week, but nothing left to buy a jacket for my kid, and it’s snowing outside. And I’m not supposed to worry? Get real!”
Probably not an exact quote, but that was the essence of it.
Would you read this passing to someone in Myanmar (formerly Burma), who’s home is obliterated, and who has no food and no drinkable water?
But the passage does speak positively to those of us who are living quite comfortably, with all the essentials of life, and pension cheques coming in regularly. Our physical needs are well met. And still we worry.
Is there a section of the human brain that is hard-wired to worry, and searches around until it finds something that isn’t 100% perfect to worry about? If there isn’t something really significant to worry about, we’ll pick something insignificant. But the worrying will happen. The only thing that changes is the subject matter.
Of course I don’t know if that’s true. But I’m inclined to think that among the most useless statements we can make is, “Don’t worry about it!”
But we can do something about it. Meditating on this passage is a really good place to start.
There’s a story based on the Isaiah passage on page 67 of “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A,” and one based on the Matthew passage on page 68.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – One of the main things we do as a Christian community, is gather for worship. Ideally, the one who is pastor to the community should also be the preacher.
Of course, pastors need Sundays off for a variety of reasons and so around this neck of the woods, I often get invited to preach.
I call it “preaching around” which sounds vaguely promiscuous.” That’s because it is.
I’ve always understood preaching as an intimate act between pastor and the gathered community. Preaching at its best happens when the preaching springs out of the life, the hurting, the joy, the passion of the community. It’s almost in the category of pillow talk.
I don’t feel good about preaching except in my own home congregation. In other congregations, I go in, have my say and leave. That’s it. I don’t know who they are. They don’t know who I am. And I’m not there afterwards to pick up the pieces.
Do I enjoy it? Of course I do. And the feedback I get from the congregations where I preach is that they like it too. I can whomp out a pretty good speech.
But when they discreetly hand me an envelope with a cheque in it, I wonder if there’s a bit of a gigolo in me. I get my jollies. They get their strokes. I take my money and leave. Wham! Bam! Thank you Ma’am.
Of course that’s overstating the case. But every theology of preaching I’ve ever read says that preaching is not entertainment and it’s not education. Preaching is not a sacrament, but it is sacramental in that through it the Word may happen. When a sermon is faithfully preached and faithfully heard, there is the Gospel.
I’m not convinced that happens when I go into a strange church and do my thing. I’ve wondered about that when I find myself worshipping in another congregation. When I’m traveling, I visit lots of different churches and I’ve heard sermons that were mostly entertainment, or mostly education.
Some are almost caricatures. High profile preacher. Lots of pizzazz. Lots of jokes. Lively, entertaining sermon. “You gotta come and hear our Rev,” the folks are saying. “Really good!” So people come and “hear the Rev.” The best two-buck show in town. Those churches are full on Sundays. But the people in the pews are an audience, not a congregation.
The other extreme. Sermons are well-researched, reflecting the latest relevant social concerns. Every point is tightly argued. A few in the congregations find this very helpful. Most shut off their minds. The sermon dies on the steps of the chancel. It’s all good, worthwhile stuff but it gets nowhere.
On the other hand, I have worshiped in congregations where I felt like a guest in someone else’s home. That’s exactly as it should be. There were in-jokes and references and history and relationships I didn’t understand. The sermon was not designed to impress me. I was welcome to listen but the preacher was in conversation with the community. The sermon sprang out of a deep and caring relationship. On many of the faces I could see deep participation.
I recognize this and warm to it. I know it from my home congregation. A community confronting the Gospel together.
From “Sermon Seasonings,” Wood Lake Books, 1997
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Making Sense of Life
I listened to a woman interviewed on radio the other morning. She tried to explain how she had fallen victim to drug dealers, pimps, and con artists. And the difficulties she had dealing with social workers, police, employers, etc.
And etcetera...
What struck me most about her story was not her story, but how utterly incoherent she was. She couldn’t put one sentence together, let alone a logical sequence of sentences.
Hers was, perhaps, the most glaring example of this inadequacy. But it’s far from unique. When I think about it, I realize that I have rarely heard persons trapped in poverty and/or oppression express themselves clearly.
And I can’t help wondering if that’s part of the problem.
For four years, I had a boss who gave vocabulary tests to all his prospective employees. The tests may not have been legal – in far-off Prince Rupert, 40 years ago, few people cared.
He admitted that a vocabulary test couldn’t predict whether an employee would be honest, diligent, or skilled. But it did prove, to his mind, whether they had the mental tools for thinking.
He believed that we think in words. Therefore, the more words we have at our command, the more clearly we can articulate our thoughts. Conversely, the fewer words available, the more approximate thoughts must become.
While I no longer share his belief that we think only in words – we also think in images and analogies – I find some truth in his basic thesis.
Because when you cannot express yourself – even to yourself, to understand what’s going on in your life – you are forced back onto the two most basic emotions, fight or flight.
Fight means you constantly get into trouble with social authorities; flight means you constantly lose whatever progress you had been making.
Doesn’t that sound a lot like the denizens of Vancouver’s downtown Eastside?
It makes me wonder if our efforts to rescue some of these unfortunate people may be misdirected. Instead of offering them counseling, housing, or skills training – anything from basic money management to sheltered workshops to trades apprenticeships – maybe we should enroll them in an organization such as Toastmasters.
Granted, it’s an artificial situation. Speaking on a defined subject for two minutes, with criticism from your peers, hardly compares with talking your way out of getting beaten to a pulp by the Hell’s Angels.
But learning plumbing or hairdressing in a community college is an equally artificial situation.
Personally, I find that being able to talk (or write) about those things that cause me stress – from the death of a parent to returning a faulty computer – enables me to make sense of what might otherwise seem like senseless and even malicious fate.
The ability to organize thoughts and words won’t eliminate crime; fraud perpetrators tend to be remarkably persuasive. But it might reduce the number of victims, if only by helping them recognize recurring patterns of mistakes.
If I can’t make sense to someone else, I probably don’t make sense to myself either.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Stephani Keer writes “I recently ordered something using air miles I've accumulated and got a confirmation that says, ‘Congratulations on your redemption’."
Well, there you go, Stephani. And you thought the churches had a corner on that market.
From the file:
* There will be no home groan talent playing musical numbers during the banquet.
* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.'
source unknown, via Velia Watts
It is written (sort of): "In the beginning, there was nothing. God said: 'Let there be light.' And there was light. There was still nothing. But you could sure see it a whole lot better."
Ellen DeGeneris via Jayne Whyte
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck via Evelyn McLachlan
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We Get Letters – Margaret Anderson sends a note about Mother’s Day. It didn’t start out as a Hallmark event designed to sell flowers and chocolates. It was instituted in Boston, in 1870 by Julia Ward Howe as a protest against the carnage of war and the use of force in the settling of international affairs.
Stephani Keer heard this story recently. A man was driving a buggy. With him was a much younger companion. The older man was talking about his faith, which was somewhat fundamentalist and brooked no argument.
"How did you know all this?" the younger man asked.
"Experience," the older replied.
Ten minutes later, the buggy got mired in a huge mud hole and the older man asked his friend to see what had happened. The younger man hopped out and surveyed the situation.
"I think," he said to the older man, "we're completely experienced."
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “May cause drowsiness!”)
Jim Taylor wonders about people’s inability to express themselves. Here’s some additional depressing evidence from actual label instructions on consumer goods.
* On a Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.”
* On a bag of Fritos: “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.”
* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.”
* On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.”
* On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
* On Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: Contains nuts.”
* On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet. Eat nuts.”
* On a child’s Superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
* On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: “Do not use on food.”
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Bottom of the Barrel – This from Larry Claus who writes: This seems new. New to me anyway. I would remember if it had been in Rumors in the last 8 years.
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-05-18
May 18, 2008
NICE TRY, BUT NO CIGAR
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there.
Thanks.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Story Lectionary – top-down control
Revised Common Lectionary – that aching, yearning love
Rumors – preaching around
Soft Edges – making sense of life
Bloopers – nice redemption
We Get Letters – completely experienced
Mirabile Dictu! – may cause drowsiness
Bottom of the Barrel – a bird named Moses
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rib Tickler – The stewardship chairperson was giving a talk to the congregation.
“The Lord loves a cheerful giver,” she concluded. “But the Lord also accepts donations from a grouch.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, May 25th, which is the second Sunday after Pentecost.
Story Lectionary: Acts 2:43-47, 5:1-11
We chose this passage because it seemed logical to tell the story of how folks made out after the excitement of Pentecost. They decided that to live the kind of community the Spirit had called into being, meant that they needed to remove all economic disparities. But that all came down with a dull thud when human nature got into the mix. Ananias and Sapphira wanted to get credit for giving all their wealth to the community, while keeping some of it back for themselves.
Quite a number of years ago, while researching communal living for some magazine articles and TV shows, I came to the conclusion that the only communities that succeeded beyond their first charismatic leaders, were ones with a strong, top-down control.
Governments with a socialist inclination have managed a bit of it – such as the social safety net to pay for medical expenses and to provide care for those who are marginalized in the system. That’s at least a small slice of what the first Christian community attempted. Here in Canada, that small slice is under significant threat.
But honestly now. Are we really not quite relieved that Ananias and Sapphira brought some reality to the system? Bev and I put our 10% into the communal pot, but we clutch the rest of it pretty firmly.
Maybe the sermon coming out of this would be on the nature of community – and the role of money in that community.
The Reader’s Theatre version of this passage provides a basis for a reflection on this topic. Also check out Linnea Good’s and Jim Taylor’s contributions. Click on:
http://www.story-lectionary.com
If you’d like to join the “Share-the-Wealth” on-line discussion group related to the Story Lectionary, just send me an e-mail at:
ralphmilton@woodlake.com
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Revised Common Lectionary – Isaiah 49:8-16a
Things are a little weird with the lectionary because of Easter being so early this year. The RCL tells us to go back and use the readings for the 8th Sunday after the Epiphany.
Now that we’ve slithered past our allotted three-score and ten, and still chugging along, Bev and I have wondered – do you ever stop worrying about your kids? Well, no. You don’t. Even though they have made it quite clear they don’t want us worrying about them, which is like telling a stream to stop flowing downhill. And it’s made more interesting by the fact that at some point along the way, they start parenting you.
We imagine God using our own experience as metaphors. God as loving parent is still the strongest metaphor we have, even though it doesn’t work for some. But God, as the best parent we can imagine, works well for most people.
So those of us who are parents can feel the aching, yearning love in verse 5. “Can a woman forget her nursing child. . .? Even though said child is now middle-aged and a parent also?
It’s not perfect and certainly not complete. But as way of understanding God’s love for us, this is probably the best metaphor we have.
Psalm 131 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
For homemakers and secretaries and other important people.
1 I do not want to seem proud or ambitious. I keep my eyes on the ground; I don't push my own views; I don't meddle with business or politics.
2 But I take care of little things. I keep life running smoothly. I have learned to be content, not to be brazen or demanding; I accept whatever life brings me with humility.
3 Is there hope for people like me, too, Lord? Does glory go only to the great and the mighty?
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
1 Corinthians 4:1-5 – This passage has me scratching my bald spot. Did somebody accuse Paul of something? Is somebody complaining about his ministry?
It’s the reality of any community, gathered for whatever reasons, that somebody will find something about the leadership to complain about. Bev belongs to the Quilting Guild and I belong to a photo club, and as we compare notes from time to time, it is both amusing and distressing how they are so much like a church. Such as complaining about the leadership, though unwilling to assume that leadership themselves.
Matthew 6:24-34 – I remember the response of a single mother to this passage. “Yeah, right! It’s a week before payday and I’ve got just enough money to buy bread and peanut butter to eat for a week, but nothing left to buy a jacket for my kid, and it’s snowing outside. And I’m not supposed to worry? Get real!”
Probably not an exact quote, but that was the essence of it.
Would you read this passing to someone in Myanmar (formerly Burma), who’s home is obliterated, and who has no food and no drinkable water?
But the passage does speak positively to those of us who are living quite comfortably, with all the essentials of life, and pension cheques coming in regularly. Our physical needs are well met. And still we worry.
Is there a section of the human brain that is hard-wired to worry, and searches around until it finds something that isn’t 100% perfect to worry about? If there isn’t something really significant to worry about, we’ll pick something insignificant. But the worrying will happen. The only thing that changes is the subject matter.
Of course I don’t know if that’s true. But I’m inclined to think that among the most useless statements we can make is, “Don’t worry about it!”
But we can do something about it. Meditating on this passage is a really good place to start.
There’s a story based on the Isaiah passage on page 67 of “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A,” and one based on the Matthew passage on page 68.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – One of the main things we do as a Christian community, is gather for worship. Ideally, the one who is pastor to the community should also be the preacher.
Of course, pastors need Sundays off for a variety of reasons and so around this neck of the woods, I often get invited to preach.
I call it “preaching around” which sounds vaguely promiscuous.” That’s because it is.
I’ve always understood preaching as an intimate act between pastor and the gathered community. Preaching at its best happens when the preaching springs out of the life, the hurting, the joy, the passion of the community. It’s almost in the category of pillow talk.
I don’t feel good about preaching except in my own home congregation. In other congregations, I go in, have my say and leave. That’s it. I don’t know who they are. They don’t know who I am. And I’m not there afterwards to pick up the pieces.
Do I enjoy it? Of course I do. And the feedback I get from the congregations where I preach is that they like it too. I can whomp out a pretty good speech.
But when they discreetly hand me an envelope with a cheque in it, I wonder if there’s a bit of a gigolo in me. I get my jollies. They get their strokes. I take my money and leave. Wham! Bam! Thank you Ma’am.
Of course that’s overstating the case. But every theology of preaching I’ve ever read says that preaching is not entertainment and it’s not education. Preaching is not a sacrament, but it is sacramental in that through it the Word may happen. When a sermon is faithfully preached and faithfully heard, there is the Gospel.
I’m not convinced that happens when I go into a strange church and do my thing. I’ve wondered about that when I find myself worshipping in another congregation. When I’m traveling, I visit lots of different churches and I’ve heard sermons that were mostly entertainment, or mostly education.
Some are almost caricatures. High profile preacher. Lots of pizzazz. Lots of jokes. Lively, entertaining sermon. “You gotta come and hear our Rev,” the folks are saying. “Really good!” So people come and “hear the Rev.” The best two-buck show in town. Those churches are full on Sundays. But the people in the pews are an audience, not a congregation.
The other extreme. Sermons are well-researched, reflecting the latest relevant social concerns. Every point is tightly argued. A few in the congregations find this very helpful. Most shut off their minds. The sermon dies on the steps of the chancel. It’s all good, worthwhile stuff but it gets nowhere.
On the other hand, I have worshiped in congregations where I felt like a guest in someone else’s home. That’s exactly as it should be. There were in-jokes and references and history and relationships I didn’t understand. The sermon was not designed to impress me. I was welcome to listen but the preacher was in conversation with the community. The sermon sprang out of a deep and caring relationship. On many of the faces I could see deep participation.
I recognize this and warm to it. I know it from my home congregation. A community confronting the Gospel together.
From “Sermon Seasonings,” Wood Lake Books, 1997
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Making Sense of Life
I listened to a woman interviewed on radio the other morning. She tried to explain how she had fallen victim to drug dealers, pimps, and con artists. And the difficulties she had dealing with social workers, police, employers, etc.
And etcetera...
What struck me most about her story was not her story, but how utterly incoherent she was. She couldn’t put one sentence together, let alone a logical sequence of sentences.
Hers was, perhaps, the most glaring example of this inadequacy. But it’s far from unique. When I think about it, I realize that I have rarely heard persons trapped in poverty and/or oppression express themselves clearly.
And I can’t help wondering if that’s part of the problem.
For four years, I had a boss who gave vocabulary tests to all his prospective employees. The tests may not have been legal – in far-off Prince Rupert, 40 years ago, few people cared.
He admitted that a vocabulary test couldn’t predict whether an employee would be honest, diligent, or skilled. But it did prove, to his mind, whether they had the mental tools for thinking.
He believed that we think in words. Therefore, the more words we have at our command, the more clearly we can articulate our thoughts. Conversely, the fewer words available, the more approximate thoughts must become.
While I no longer share his belief that we think only in words – we also think in images and analogies – I find some truth in his basic thesis.
Because when you cannot express yourself – even to yourself, to understand what’s going on in your life – you are forced back onto the two most basic emotions, fight or flight.
Fight means you constantly get into trouble with social authorities; flight means you constantly lose whatever progress you had been making.
Doesn’t that sound a lot like the denizens of Vancouver’s downtown Eastside?
It makes me wonder if our efforts to rescue some of these unfortunate people may be misdirected. Instead of offering them counseling, housing, or skills training – anything from basic money management to sheltered workshops to trades apprenticeships – maybe we should enroll them in an organization such as Toastmasters.
Granted, it’s an artificial situation. Speaking on a defined subject for two minutes, with criticism from your peers, hardly compares with talking your way out of getting beaten to a pulp by the Hell’s Angels.
But learning plumbing or hairdressing in a community college is an equally artificial situation.
Personally, I find that being able to talk (or write) about those things that cause me stress – from the death of a parent to returning a faulty computer – enables me to make sense of what might otherwise seem like senseless and even malicious fate.
The ability to organize thoughts and words won’t eliminate crime; fraud perpetrators tend to be remarkably persuasive. But it might reduce the number of victims, if only by helping them recognize recurring patterns of mistakes.
If I can’t make sense to someone else, I probably don’t make sense to myself either.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Stephani Keer writes “I recently ordered something using air miles I've accumulated and got a confirmation that says, ‘Congratulations on your redemption’."
Well, there you go, Stephani. And you thought the churches had a corner on that market.
From the file:
* There will be no home groan talent playing musical numbers during the banquet.
* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.'
source unknown, via Velia Watts
It is written (sort of): "In the beginning, there was nothing. God said: 'Let there be light.' And there was light. There was still nothing. But you could sure see it a whole lot better."
Ellen DeGeneris via Jayne Whyte
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck via Evelyn McLachlan
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We Get Letters – Margaret Anderson sends a note about Mother’s Day. It didn’t start out as a Hallmark event designed to sell flowers and chocolates. It was instituted in Boston, in 1870 by Julia Ward Howe as a protest against the carnage of war and the use of force in the settling of international affairs.
Stephani Keer heard this story recently. A man was driving a buggy. With him was a much younger companion. The older man was talking about his faith, which was somewhat fundamentalist and brooked no argument.
"How did you know all this?" the younger man asked.
"Experience," the older replied.
Ten minutes later, the buggy got mired in a huge mud hole and the older man asked his friend to see what had happened. The younger man hopped out and surveyed the situation.
"I think," he said to the older man, "we're completely experienced."
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “May cause drowsiness!”)
Jim Taylor wonders about people’s inability to express themselves. Here’s some additional depressing evidence from actual label instructions on consumer goods.
* On a Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.”
* On a bag of Fritos: “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.”
* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.”
* On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.”
* On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
* On Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: Contains nuts.”
* On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet. Eat nuts.”
* On a child’s Superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
* On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: “Do not use on food.”
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Bottom of the Barrel – This from Larry Claus who writes: This seems new. New to me anyway. I would remember if it had been in Rumors in the last 8 years.
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Preaching Materials for May 18, 2008
R U M O R S # 501
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-05-11
May 11, 2008
CAN YOU IMAGINE NOTHING?
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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The “Share-the-Wealth” on-line discussion group is just getting organized. It’s a place where we can share insights, ideas, comments, etc., etc., related to the Story Lectionary. A creative batch of folks signed on after my announcement last week, but we’d still like a few more.
So if you find yourself interested in the Story Lectionary, and if you’d like to swap ideas and suggestions with others, just send me a note.
ralphmilton@woodlake.com
We’d love to have you.
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The Story Lectionary – not bad for a bumbler
Revised Common Lectionary – the universe begins
Rumors – what was before the beginning?
Soft Edges – observing the observer
Bloopers – pray for the embers
We Get Letters – it’s wonderful to be appreciated
Mirabile Dictu! – the book of Revolution
Bottom of the Barrel – under the circumstances
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – This from John, who didn’t give us his last name.
A Sunday school teacher asked her pupils, "Now, children, do you all say your prayers at night?"
"My mommy says my prayers," said little Jason.
"I see," said the teacher. "And what does your mother say?"
“Thank God he’s in bed.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, May 18th, which is Trinity Sunday.
Story Lectionary – Acts 2:14-42
The most surprising thing about this passage is that it’s Peter up there – standing on his hind legs and preaching a fine and powerful sermon.
In his preaching suggestions (http://www.story-lectionary.com/jim/Jim-2008-05-18%20.html) on this story, Jim Taylor lists Peter’s assorted “foot-in-mouth” incidents when Peter was following Jesus around the Galilee and in Jerusalem. How could such a bumbler suddenly become such a powerful preacher and leader?
I’ve read at least one commentary suggesting they were two different people. But I don’t think so. Because I know a number of people who have had that experience – from being a person who found it hard to order a sandwich at the deli, to someone who could stand up and talk to a thousand people.
As I think about those people, two factors come to mind. The first one (and I think they would need to come in this order) was the experience of being embraced by a caring spiritual community. The second is a real sense of the presence and empowerment of the Spirit.
I’m being careful not to use traditional Christian language here, because I think the phenomenon happens in many faith groups, It certainly happens in the Christian community right across the theological spectrum.
In fact, to a greater or lesser extent, this is the story of almost everyone who has taken the step of moving into a Christian vocation.
Myself included.
You can find the rest of the resources around this story at:
http://www.story-lectionary.com
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Revised Common Lectionary – Genesis 1:1-2:4a
OK, so I’m an old fashioned old coot, but there are times when want to revert to the good old King James version.
Years ago – way back in the 60s, I think, I heard a group called “The Speak-Four Trio,” (or something like that) out of Redlands University in California. They did this passage as “Reader’s Theatre.” And the passage fairly crackled with life.
Like any fine poetry – whether King James Bible or Shakespeare or Dylan Thomas or whatever – when it is spoken by a human voice with understanding and care and preparation – it comes alive with vitality and power.
And I find myself harping on the same topic over and over, because we miss so much of the meaning and intensity by the way the scriptures are droned and mumbled on Sunday mornings.
The opening phrase, “In the beginning, God . . .” came to mind as I was reading Bill Bryson’s “A Short History of Nearly Everything.” He’s writing about the instant that creation happened.
“There is no space, no darkness. The singularity has no ‘around’ around it. There is no space for it to occupy, no place for it to be. We can’t even ask how long it has been there – whether it just lately popped into being, like a good idea, or whether it has been there forever, quietly awaiting the right moment. Time doesn’t exist. There is no past for it to emerge from.
“And so from nothing, our universe begins.
“In a single blinding pulse, a moment of glory much too swift and expansive for any form of words, the singularity assumes heavenly dimensions, space beyond conception.”
Or, as the words in Genesis put it, “In the beginning, God created …”
Psalm 8 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
This psalm is so familiar it seems sacrilegious to attempt a paraphrase. What modern metaphor could capture the sense of awe and adulation of this paean of praise?
My God, my God,
how wonderful you are!
There is nothing like you in the whole earth.
I look up to the skies, and I see you there;
Babies and infants open their mouths, and I hear them cry your name.
You have an aura that silences your enemies,
it keeps your opponents disarmed.
I look out into the universe, the infinite distances of creation,
sparkling with scattered diamonds,
and I feel so insignificant.
Why should you even notice me?
Why should you care about a mere mortal?
Yet you chose me to be your partner;
you have shared the secrets of the universe with me.
You have made me responsible for everything I see;
the whole world is mine–
the rocks and trees,
the birds and bees,
everything that exists in this wonderful world.
My God, my God, how wonderful you are!
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
2 Corinthians 13:11-13 – This passage is chosen for Trinity Sunday because of Paul’s three-fold blessing in verse 13. There isn’t very much in the Bible about the concept of the Trinity. Like so many of our metaphors, the idea of the Trinity is useful when it leads us to a broader understanding of God.
The Trinity metaphor has been a problem when communicating with people in other faith groups. To them, it often sounds as if we are worshipping three Gods. And I wonder how it reads to people outside the churches – or even to folks who find their way into church once or twice a year.
Is it a metaphor that has outlived its usefulness?
Matthew 28:16-20 – When Bev and I left for the Philippines way back in 1961 this passage was used in our commissioning service. Looking back, I can see a fair bit of arrogance in our attitudes, though of course we didn’t know it at the time. As they say, “hindsight is 20-20 vision.”
Among the slogans going around in those days was, “Christ for the world in our generation.” In other words, we were going to make Christians of everybody in the whole world. How’s that for “realistic goals?”
But this is Trinity Sunday, and the trinitarian idea is to be able to see God from three different angles – in three different manifestations. However, I think we’ve learned that people of other faith traditions have ways of seeing God that are wholesome and life-giving.
And that some of us blinkered Christians need to pay attention.
For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A,” page 121 for a re-telling of Genesis 1 titled, “God Makes a Universe.” I particularly like this story, and am tempted to use it on the 18th when I get to preachify at our church. There’s also a paraphrase of Psalm 8 on page 123.
If you don’t have a copy of this book, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
The second volume, “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B” will be out in a few weeks. You could order it at the same time.
For those of you in the Okanagan Valley, the book will be launched at the “Worship Matters” conference in Vernon, June 6-8.
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Rumors – Absolute darkness. I’ve only experienced it a few times. Most recently in the Kartchner Caverns in Arizona. At one point along the tour through those magnificent caves, the guides turns off all the lights. And the group just stands there. In total darkness. Your eyes strain for any scrap of light.
And it’s scary. Because we almost never experience total darkness and when it happens it touches some deep and unexplored anxiety.
The same is true of absolute silence. I’ve only experienced that in specialized recording studios designed to deaden all sound. If you stay there in the studio all by yourself it also becomes frightening. Your ears strain for a sound, to the point where you can hear your own heart beating.
Total darkness – total silence – is alien to most of us. I asked a totally blind friend once, what it was like to have total darkness and he began to talk about his hands and his ears doing the seeing for him. Helen Keller, who was both blind and deaf, talked about the moment she made a connection between her sense of touch and a world out there.
So when we read, “In the beginning . . .” we find ourselves asking what was there before the beginning. Which is a dumb question because if it was the beginning there was nothing there before that. Not even time. Not even place. But it’s almost impossible to imagine that.
It’s almost impossible to imagine a God who exists outside the boundaries of space and time and place. In fact, I think it’s impossible, because as soon as we try to imagine God, we immediately use categories that are part of our human experience – a something – a being that exists somehow.
It’s not just that we run out of words. We run out of imagination.
Scientists talk about the big bang – an expansion into time and space that began with – what? Well, nothing.
Scientists can no more talk about or imagine what was there before there was anything, than we can. We move from science into mystery.
So those opening words of the Bible come to our rescue. “In the beginning, God . . .”
And it would be good not to add anything to those words for awhile, because as soon as we do, we put God into categories and concepts of our own making.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Observing the Observer
I am not an original writer, which is probably why I have never written a novel. I borrow ideas, massage them a little, and pass them on.
Today, I’m borrowing from two friends, both retired United Church ministers.
John McTavish, of Huntsville, Ontario, wrote a newspaper review on the musical Grease put on by the local high school. “I couldn't believe how good it was,” John told me. “Sadly, mine was the only review the kids received.”
Then he added, “It makes one realize the importance of the Bible. No good having God do something special unless there's somebody around to appreciate the miracle and [attempt to] explain to others what happened.”
It’s like the old question: If a tree falls in a forest, and there’s no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?
The second friend, Bob Thompson of Vernon, mused in a sermon about the welfare of the planet.
If all humans were to disappear – Bob didn’t explain how, but I’m fairly sure he wasn’t expecting them to be “raptured” away – the planet would probably survive just fine.
But if all the insects, or all the field mice, or all the algae vanished, the web of life would be catastrophically affected.
As quite a few ecologists have argued, we humans behave a lot like cancer cells, destroying the host we live off.
As an aside, Bob wondered how God might feel about not having any humans any more. “Would a sunset still be beautiful, if there were no one to appreciate it?” he asked.
See the connection, now?
We used to have a dog who raced outside every morning and then froze on the top step, inhaling the new day. Perhaps he was just checking the overnight news. I like to imagine he was absorbing the glory of nature, with the same awe I feel in the stained-glass glory of a gothic cathedral.
Cats preen in the sun. Whales and otters frolic in water. Crows wheel and dive, tossing a stick around in the air.
Animals can certainly enjoy what we call God’s creation. But that doesn’t prove they appreciate beauty.
Modern physics and anthropology both affirm that the observer influences the observed facts. Simply by being there, the anthropologist affects the patterns of life he or she is studying. Likewise the technique used for observing sub-atomic entities determines whether they will act as particles or as waveforms.
It begins to look, uncomfortably, as if much of what we believe to be reality really does depend on someone observing it. Which would mean that a falling tree does not make a sound, unless someone can hear it.
I don’t like that notion much – it seems too subjective, too much like the esoteric theories that nothing exists outside my own mind. I believe that there is a reality independent of my perceptions.
Still, would we even be aware of a God, if no one had paid attention to God’s interactions with us, and recorded them?
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Marg Smith of Stratford, Ontario noticed that last Sunday the Postlude was “Crown Me With Many Crowns.”
Sounds good to me, Marg. All of us could do with a few crowns now and then.
Hugh Pett of Kelowna, BC, saw it on one of the slides he was projecting in church. It was prayer in which the congregation was urged to “think God. . .” rather than “thank God.”
Which, as Hugh observed, is not a bad idea at all.
Mary Beer of Burlington, Ontario, wrote a liturgy “to bless Bev Buckingham, who was heading off for a three month sabbatical.” Mary noticed she had typed, “"Bev, will you pray for the embers and ministry of this congregation?"
Mary ! You should be so fortune! You have embers! At least, when the Spirit blows, they glow and just might burst into flame.
Dee Smith saw it in a newsletter. It was about saying goodbye to their minister, who was described as having “brought a positive, hipful and energetic attitude to our congregation."
Dee wonders if being ‘hipful,’ as in ‘with it,’ aware, up-to-date, etc., might bring some useful change to our church.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – The riddles of God are more satisfying than [human] solutions. It is so easy to be solemn; it is so hard to be frivolous.
G.K. Chesterton via Jim Taylor
The secret of being miserable is to have the leisure to bother about whether you are happy or not.
George Bernard Shaw via Sandra Friesen
The refusal to love is the only unbearable thing. Love is what makes persons know who they are.
Madeleine L'Engle via Dee Smith
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We Get Letters – I didn’t realize that admitting to 500 issues of Rumors, and my wondering about when I should quit, would generate a batch of very kind letters from many gracious people. Thank you all! It is wonderful to be appreciated.
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “The Book of Revolution!”) This from Fred Brailey. It’s alleged to be a child’s book report on the Bible, which it clearly isn’t. But it’s fun anyway.
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.
God split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Light out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
Then God gave them the Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Gristle and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say yes.
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Any way's, Jesus died for our sins then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminium. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
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Bottom of the Barrel – Vinny Rickeman of Bethel, Maine writes: “the dog in the suitcase story reminded me of another one.”
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was difficult for him as the ground was hard and rocky. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: A few days later he received a letter from his son:Dear Dad,Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies. At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:Dear Dad,Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-05-11
May 11, 2008
CAN YOU IMAGINE NOTHING?
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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The “Share-the-Wealth” on-line discussion group is just getting organized. It’s a place where we can share insights, ideas, comments, etc., etc., related to the Story Lectionary. A creative batch of folks signed on after my announcement last week, but we’d still like a few more.
So if you find yourself interested in the Story Lectionary, and if you’d like to swap ideas and suggestions with others, just send me a note.
ralphmilton@woodlake.com
We’d love to have you.
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The Story Lectionary – not bad for a bumbler
Revised Common Lectionary – the universe begins
Rumors – what was before the beginning?
Soft Edges – observing the observer
Bloopers – pray for the embers
We Get Letters – it’s wonderful to be appreciated
Mirabile Dictu! – the book of Revolution
Bottom of the Barrel – under the circumstances
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – This from John, who didn’t give us his last name.
A Sunday school teacher asked her pupils, "Now, children, do you all say your prayers at night?"
"My mommy says my prayers," said little Jason.
"I see," said the teacher. "And what does your mother say?"
“Thank God he’s in bed.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, May 18th, which is Trinity Sunday.
Story Lectionary – Acts 2:14-42
The most surprising thing about this passage is that it’s Peter up there – standing on his hind legs and preaching a fine and powerful sermon.
In his preaching suggestions (http://www.story-lectionary.com/jim/Jim-2008-05-18%20.html) on this story, Jim Taylor lists Peter’s assorted “foot-in-mouth” incidents when Peter was following Jesus around the Galilee and in Jerusalem. How could such a bumbler suddenly become such a powerful preacher and leader?
I’ve read at least one commentary suggesting they were two different people. But I don’t think so. Because I know a number of people who have had that experience – from being a person who found it hard to order a sandwich at the deli, to someone who could stand up and talk to a thousand people.
As I think about those people, two factors come to mind. The first one (and I think they would need to come in this order) was the experience of being embraced by a caring spiritual community. The second is a real sense of the presence and empowerment of the Spirit.
I’m being careful not to use traditional Christian language here, because I think the phenomenon happens in many faith groups, It certainly happens in the Christian community right across the theological spectrum.
In fact, to a greater or lesser extent, this is the story of almost everyone who has taken the step of moving into a Christian vocation.
Myself included.
You can find the rest of the resources around this story at:
http://www.story-lectionary.com
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Revised Common Lectionary – Genesis 1:1-2:4a
OK, so I’m an old fashioned old coot, but there are times when want to revert to the good old King James version.
Years ago – way back in the 60s, I think, I heard a group called “The Speak-Four Trio,” (or something like that) out of Redlands University in California. They did this passage as “Reader’s Theatre.” And the passage fairly crackled with life.
Like any fine poetry – whether King James Bible or Shakespeare or Dylan Thomas or whatever – when it is spoken by a human voice with understanding and care and preparation – it comes alive with vitality and power.
And I find myself harping on the same topic over and over, because we miss so much of the meaning and intensity by the way the scriptures are droned and mumbled on Sunday mornings.
The opening phrase, “In the beginning, God . . .” came to mind as I was reading Bill Bryson’s “A Short History of Nearly Everything.” He’s writing about the instant that creation happened.
“There is no space, no darkness. The singularity has no ‘around’ around it. There is no space for it to occupy, no place for it to be. We can’t even ask how long it has been there – whether it just lately popped into being, like a good idea, or whether it has been there forever, quietly awaiting the right moment. Time doesn’t exist. There is no past for it to emerge from.
“And so from nothing, our universe begins.
“In a single blinding pulse, a moment of glory much too swift and expansive for any form of words, the singularity assumes heavenly dimensions, space beyond conception.”
Or, as the words in Genesis put it, “In the beginning, God created …”
Psalm 8 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
This psalm is so familiar it seems sacrilegious to attempt a paraphrase. What modern metaphor could capture the sense of awe and adulation of this paean of praise?
My God, my God,
how wonderful you are!
There is nothing like you in the whole earth.
I look up to the skies, and I see you there;
Babies and infants open their mouths, and I hear them cry your name.
You have an aura that silences your enemies,
it keeps your opponents disarmed.
I look out into the universe, the infinite distances of creation,
sparkling with scattered diamonds,
and I feel so insignificant.
Why should you even notice me?
Why should you care about a mere mortal?
Yet you chose me to be your partner;
you have shared the secrets of the universe with me.
You have made me responsible for everything I see;
the whole world is mine–
the rocks and trees,
the birds and bees,
everything that exists in this wonderful world.
My God, my God, how wonderful you are!
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
2 Corinthians 13:11-13 – This passage is chosen for Trinity Sunday because of Paul’s three-fold blessing in verse 13. There isn’t very much in the Bible about the concept of the Trinity. Like so many of our metaphors, the idea of the Trinity is useful when it leads us to a broader understanding of God.
The Trinity metaphor has been a problem when communicating with people in other faith groups. To them, it often sounds as if we are worshipping three Gods. And I wonder how it reads to people outside the churches – or even to folks who find their way into church once or twice a year.
Is it a metaphor that has outlived its usefulness?
Matthew 28:16-20 – When Bev and I left for the Philippines way back in 1961 this passage was used in our commissioning service. Looking back, I can see a fair bit of arrogance in our attitudes, though of course we didn’t know it at the time. As they say, “hindsight is 20-20 vision.”
Among the slogans going around in those days was, “Christ for the world in our generation.” In other words, we were going to make Christians of everybody in the whole world. How’s that for “realistic goals?”
But this is Trinity Sunday, and the trinitarian idea is to be able to see God from three different angles – in three different manifestations. However, I think we’ve learned that people of other faith traditions have ways of seeing God that are wholesome and life-giving.
And that some of us blinkered Christians need to pay attention.
For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A,” page 121 for a re-telling of Genesis 1 titled, “God Makes a Universe.” I particularly like this story, and am tempted to use it on the 18th when I get to preachify at our church. There’s also a paraphrase of Psalm 8 on page 123.
If you don’t have a copy of this book, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
The second volume, “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B” will be out in a few weeks. You could order it at the same time.
For those of you in the Okanagan Valley, the book will be launched at the “Worship Matters” conference in Vernon, June 6-8.
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Rumors – Absolute darkness. I’ve only experienced it a few times. Most recently in the Kartchner Caverns in Arizona. At one point along the tour through those magnificent caves, the guides turns off all the lights. And the group just stands there. In total darkness. Your eyes strain for any scrap of light.
And it’s scary. Because we almost never experience total darkness and when it happens it touches some deep and unexplored anxiety.
The same is true of absolute silence. I’ve only experienced that in specialized recording studios designed to deaden all sound. If you stay there in the studio all by yourself it also becomes frightening. Your ears strain for a sound, to the point where you can hear your own heart beating.
Total darkness – total silence – is alien to most of us. I asked a totally blind friend once, what it was like to have total darkness and he began to talk about his hands and his ears doing the seeing for him. Helen Keller, who was both blind and deaf, talked about the moment she made a connection between her sense of touch and a world out there.
So when we read, “In the beginning . . .” we find ourselves asking what was there before the beginning. Which is a dumb question because if it was the beginning there was nothing there before that. Not even time. Not even place. But it’s almost impossible to imagine that.
It’s almost impossible to imagine a God who exists outside the boundaries of space and time and place. In fact, I think it’s impossible, because as soon as we try to imagine God, we immediately use categories that are part of our human experience – a something – a being that exists somehow.
It’s not just that we run out of words. We run out of imagination.
Scientists talk about the big bang – an expansion into time and space that began with – what? Well, nothing.
Scientists can no more talk about or imagine what was there before there was anything, than we can. We move from science into mystery.
So those opening words of the Bible come to our rescue. “In the beginning, God . . .”
And it would be good not to add anything to those words for awhile, because as soon as we do, we put God into categories and concepts of our own making.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Observing the Observer
I am not an original writer, which is probably why I have never written a novel. I borrow ideas, massage them a little, and pass them on.
Today, I’m borrowing from two friends, both retired United Church ministers.
John McTavish, of Huntsville, Ontario, wrote a newspaper review on the musical Grease put on by the local high school. “I couldn't believe how good it was,” John told me. “Sadly, mine was the only review the kids received.”
Then he added, “It makes one realize the importance of the Bible. No good having God do something special unless there's somebody around to appreciate the miracle and [attempt to] explain to others what happened.”
It’s like the old question: If a tree falls in a forest, and there’s no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?
The second friend, Bob Thompson of Vernon, mused in a sermon about the welfare of the planet.
If all humans were to disappear – Bob didn’t explain how, but I’m fairly sure he wasn’t expecting them to be “raptured” away – the planet would probably survive just fine.
But if all the insects, or all the field mice, or all the algae vanished, the web of life would be catastrophically affected.
As quite a few ecologists have argued, we humans behave a lot like cancer cells, destroying the host we live off.
As an aside, Bob wondered how God might feel about not having any humans any more. “Would a sunset still be beautiful, if there were no one to appreciate it?” he asked.
See the connection, now?
We used to have a dog who raced outside every morning and then froze on the top step, inhaling the new day. Perhaps he was just checking the overnight news. I like to imagine he was absorbing the glory of nature, with the same awe I feel in the stained-glass glory of a gothic cathedral.
Cats preen in the sun. Whales and otters frolic in water. Crows wheel and dive, tossing a stick around in the air.
Animals can certainly enjoy what we call God’s creation. But that doesn’t prove they appreciate beauty.
Modern physics and anthropology both affirm that the observer influences the observed facts. Simply by being there, the anthropologist affects the patterns of life he or she is studying. Likewise the technique used for observing sub-atomic entities determines whether they will act as particles or as waveforms.
It begins to look, uncomfortably, as if much of what we believe to be reality really does depend on someone observing it. Which would mean that a falling tree does not make a sound, unless someone can hear it.
I don’t like that notion much – it seems too subjective, too much like the esoteric theories that nothing exists outside my own mind. I believe that there is a reality independent of my perceptions.
Still, would we even be aware of a God, if no one had paid attention to God’s interactions with us, and recorded them?
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Marg Smith of Stratford, Ontario noticed that last Sunday the Postlude was “Crown Me With Many Crowns.”
Sounds good to me, Marg. All of us could do with a few crowns now and then.
Hugh Pett of Kelowna, BC, saw it on one of the slides he was projecting in church. It was prayer in which the congregation was urged to “think God. . .” rather than “thank God.”
Which, as Hugh observed, is not a bad idea at all.
Mary Beer of Burlington, Ontario, wrote a liturgy “to bless Bev Buckingham, who was heading off for a three month sabbatical.” Mary noticed she had typed, “"Bev, will you pray for the embers and ministry of this congregation?"
Mary ! You should be so fortune! You have embers! At least, when the Spirit blows, they glow and just might burst into flame.
Dee Smith saw it in a newsletter. It was about saying goodbye to their minister, who was described as having “brought a positive, hipful and energetic attitude to our congregation."
Dee wonders if being ‘hipful,’ as in ‘with it,’ aware, up-to-date, etc., might bring some useful change to our church.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – The riddles of God are more satisfying than [human] solutions. It is so easy to be solemn; it is so hard to be frivolous.
G.K. Chesterton via Jim Taylor
The secret of being miserable is to have the leisure to bother about whether you are happy or not.
George Bernard Shaw via Sandra Friesen
The refusal to love is the only unbearable thing. Love is what makes persons know who they are.
Madeleine L'Engle via Dee Smith
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We Get Letters – I didn’t realize that admitting to 500 issues of Rumors, and my wondering about when I should quit, would generate a batch of very kind letters from many gracious people. Thank you all! It is wonderful to be appreciated.
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “The Book of Revolution!”) This from Fred Brailey. It’s alleged to be a child’s book report on the Bible, which it clearly isn’t. But it’s fun anyway.
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.
God split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Light out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
Then God gave them the Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Gristle and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say yes.
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Any way's, Jesus died for our sins then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminium. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
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Bottom of the Barrel – Vinny Rickeman of Bethel, Maine writes: “the dog in the suitcase story reminded me of another one.”
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was difficult for him as the ground was hard and rocky. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: A few days later he received a letter from his son:Dear Dad,Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies. At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:Dear Dad,Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Friday, May 2, 2008
Preaching Materials for May 11, 2008
R U M O R S # 500 (Wheeee!!!)
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-05-04
May 4th, 2008
FIVE HUNDRED RUMORS!!!
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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A number of you wrote to say that you were pretty turned off by the Story Lectionary discussion group. I don’t blame you. The program we were using allowed spammers to fill the thing up with porn. It was really ugly.
Not only that, the software wanted all kind of information and it was quite confusing to sign in.
So we’ve put that poor thing out of it’s misery. It is gone. Kaput!
And we’ve launched a new one. Much simpler. No forms to fill in. Just send me an e-mail and say you’d like to be on it.
We’ve also re-named it. We’re calling it “Share-the-wealth.” We hope folks will use it to share their ideas, comments, resources – the wealth of experience, knowledge, insight and material that you have in your heads and filing cabinets.
So please join us. Just send me a note.
ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Revised Common Lectionary – let’s have a party
Rumors – knowing when to stop
Soft Edges – information overload
Good Stuff – beware of garbage trucks
Bloopers – humming the hymns
We Get Letters – the circle goes round and round
Mirabile Dictu! – poetic justice
Bottom of the Barrel – the power of prayer
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – This from Wayne Seybert of Longmont, Colorado.
A young girl walks into her father's study and sees that he is writing, so she sits down. Her father looks up and then back to his writing. He takes his pencil and crosses out a word here and one there. He writes more and crosses out some also.
“What are you writing?” the girl asks.
“I’m writing a sermon for Sunday,” says the dad.
“How do you know what to say?”
“God tells me what to write.”
The girl shakes her head sadly. “You’re not listening, are you?”
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These are the readings you will probably hear in church next Sunday, May 11th, which is Pentecost Sunday.
Because this is one of the high festivals of the church year, the Story Lectionary and the Revised Common Lectionary share the same core reading – the story of the birthday of the church, Acts 2.
And it’s also Mother’s Day.
The Revised Common Lectionary calls for Acts 2:1-21. The Story Lectionary refers to the whole chapter.
The story of Pentecost is one of the most dramatic in our Christian heritage. The celebration of the birthday of the church is gradually gaining the attention it deserves.
It’s important not to get hung up on arguments about whether there were literally tongues of flame, or whether Peter said those exact words. What’s important is the experience.
The people gathered on that Pentecost day had a life-transforming experience. They struggled to put words around that – to find ways of describing what was both beautiful and terrifying, and beyond words.
Pentecost calls us to get beyond propositions and theologies and statements and open ourselves to the work of the Spirit in whatever way that happens for us.
In the Story Lectionary materials, we provide three possible ways of telling the story. You could use all three. Or one. Or none. There’s the scripture reading itself, arranged as Reader’s Theatre. There’s a story of Mary of Magdala “dancing in the Spirit,” and that same story adapted as chancel drama by Susan Heydt. Go to http://www.story-lectionary.com
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Psalm 104:24-34, 35b – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
24 Abundant and plentiful are your creations, O Lord;
you imagined them, and they came into being.
The world is full of your vision.
25, 26 You fill the abyss with the ocean, the seamless womb of life.
Upon its surface, you support tankers and freighters and cruise ships;
in its depths dwell creatures beyond counting –
sleek and gaudy, strange and deadly,
anchored like rocks and faster than fear.
From invisible plankton to playful whales,
the Lord God made them all.
27 All these owe their existence to you;
you set each in an environment where it can survive.
29 But if you turned your thoughts away from them, they would vanish,
a fleeting figment of your imagination.
Your spirit gives them life, as your spirit put breath in our clay;
without it, we return to the dust from which we came,
the dead elements of bygone stars.
30 Blow your breath through our being, Lord.
Create us afresh;
renew the life of your creation.
31 Then the glory of God will go on forever;
all living things will rejoice in God's gift of life.
The vision of the Lord will be evident
in all creatures great and small;
32 from coral cells to the continents themselves.
God strokes the earth and it trembles in ecstasy;
The Lord excites the mountains and they erupt in lava.
33 Is it any wonder I sing the praises of God?
As long as I live, my life itself attests God's glory.
34 So may even my imagination be devoted to God,
and let the Lord fill all my thoughts.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Numbers 11:24-30 – This is one of those passages where you know there are parts you just don’t get. There’s more going on here than we can see from this distance of time and culture.
But no matter. There’s meat enough in there to chew on. Moses doesn’t buy into the idea of a religious franchise – that only those within our area of control get to be prophets.
Moses wants everyone to be prophets. But if we’re going to say that, we need to be very clear what prophesy is and what it is not.
It’s not about fortune-telling, or soothsaying, or divining the future. A better word might be discernment. A prophet struggles to see a situation as it really is – one who through prayer and study and investigation and clear-headed thinking helps us see what is going on. And what the consequences might be.
That’s what Peter was doing at the Pentecost party.
1 Corinthians 12:3b-13 – This familiar passage is the origin of the metaphor of the church as the “body” with its various functions and capabilities. But I wonder about the second half of verse 3. “No one can say ‘Jesus is Lord,’ except by the Holy Spirit.”
When Paul was writing this, saying “Jesus is Lord,” was treason. It meant you were not saying “Caesar is Lord.” Saying “Jesus is Lord” was risking prison or possibly your life.
But nowadays, in most of the western world at least, the worst such a statement will get you is a strange look and people sidling away from you. And it is very easy for us to say “Jesus is Lord” when it may be a bare-faced lie and the Holy Spirit is nowhere in the vicinity.
John 7:37-39 – Water, it seems to me, is one of the central metaphors of the Bible. And that makes sense because most of the scripture stories take place in aired country where water is scarce and precious. “Living water,” could also be translated as “moving water,” as opposed to a stagnant pond.
Here in Canada, we don’t realize the preciousness of water. Canadians have more water and waste more water than just about anyone. Perhaps we need to push the metaphor a bit more to help us grasp the preciousness of the water – even as we use that metaphor to understand the refreshing preciousness of living water.
A children’s version of the story in Acts 2 can be found in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A,” page 116, and a story based on the 1 Corinthians reading on page 118. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – “How will I know when it’s time to quit?” I asked Jim Taylor.
“When it stops being fun,” he said.
We were talking about Rumors. During this past week I’ve had about half a dozen e-mails from folks pointing out that we were at issue # 499 and the next one would be #500, although there may have been a bit of slippage in that count from time to time. Keeping track of numbers has never been my strength.
Whatever the exact number may be, 500 is pretty close. When we hit 520, that’ll be ten years! And I have to confess that as I go along, I meet myself coming around corners sometimes. Certainly I’ve recycled a bunch of old jokes. (Can you get carbon points for recycling old jokes?)
And I have to confess that there are some weeks when I am sure I’m chewing my cabbage over and over. Been there. Said that. Done that. We’ve all met older people who manage to be colossal bores. I really don’t want to be one of them.
The good thing, and the bad thing about Rumors is that folks can take their names off the list and I never know about it. There’s instructions at the end of every issue on how to do it. Christian folks tend to be kind and don’t like to hurt people, so they quietly leave without telling me that I’m getting tiresome.
On the other hand, the numbers keep going up. I just checked. 7,233! And every week I get a few kind notes from people who tell me the stuff is interesting/helpful/funny/etc.
And I’m still having fun. I gain far more than I give because I get to flex my mental muscles and to listen for what the Spirit is saying through our lively scriptures and through the feedback I get from you folks. So at the ripe age of three-score and thirteen years, I find myself singularly blessed that I have been given a ministry to kind and gentle people like you, from all over the world.
All of you in ministry of one sort or another. You’re the kind of folks who make the best kind of friends. So I am richly blessed.
A deep, deep thanks to all of you!
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Information Overload
Somewhere, flipping through a magazine, I saw an advertisement for Keno, an on-line gambling game.
The ad showed a flock of baseballs heading towards a batter, who was halfway through a mighty swing. The caption claimed that having a lot more balls in the air gives you a better chance of hitting one of them.
It may work for gambling, although I personally doubt it. It certainly doesn’t work for baseball.
A batter can hit a ball because there is only one coming at him. His eyes focus on that single point. His brain calculates the trajectory of that point. His muscles swing the bat to intersect with that unique trajectory.
But fling a dozen balls at once at that batter, and his eye has nothing specific to focus on. The human eye is a remarkable instrument – it can see clearly only an area about the size of a quarter held at arms length. With a dozen balls arriving at one time, the eye doesn’t know what to focus on. The brain, the muscles, cannot coordinate.
If a mighty swing actually connects with anything, it will certainly be pure chance.
Although the ad was about gambling, it identifies a social problem today. We don’t have multiple baseballs flying at us. Instead, we have information.
We suffer from information overload.
The news is filled with situations I should get upset about. My mailbox is crammed with letters from worthy charities, all hoping I’ll connect with them. Television programs spray commercials at me. And my e-mail overflows with unwanted junk.
No one just goes for a walk any more, it seems. They wear iPods or iPhones and their iLk. So that they can still get text messages, stock market bulletins, music, radio programs – yes, even phone calls – while they’re out.
Multitasking works only as long as none of the tasks requires concentrated attention. But you cannot solve homelessness while researching hot tubs while practicing yoga while playing a five-manual pipe organ.
You know what it’s like driving at night in a blizzard? After a while, all those snowflakes whirling at me in my headlights become hypnotic.
I feel the same way about today’s information overload. It comes at me, until I am mesmerized, not by any particular piece of information, but simply by the swirling vortex of the blizzard itself.
The other day, a friend asked, “Didn’t you get our invitation...?”
I actually wanted to be there. But if I received their invitation, I didn’t recognize it. I must have junked along with all the rest of the spam.
The biblical prophet Elijah claimed he heard the voice of God in a “still, small voice” – not in the din of storm, the excitement of flame, or the terror of earthquake.
In our blizzard of information, it becomes increasingly hard to hear a still small voice – whether you call that the voice of God, of conscience, or of inner self.
To hit a home run, you have to deal with just one baseball at a time.
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Good Stuff – Robert Bates of Florence, Massachusetts, sent us this item called, “Beware of Garbage Trucks,” by David J. Pollay
Sixteen years ago I learned this lesson. I learned it in the back of a New York City taxi cab. Here's what happened.
I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station. We were driving in the right lane when, all of a sudden, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, Skidded, and missed the other car's back end by just inches!
The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and started yelling bad words at us.
My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was friendly. So, I said, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" And this is when my taxi driver told me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."
Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it. And if you let them, they'll dump it on you. When someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally. You just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.
You'll be happy you did.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Harvie Barker of Penticton, BC saw a paragraph about worship resources that referred to “our humn book.” Harvie writes: “From time to time I see people in worship services just standing up with a hymn book but obviously not singing. Maybe they had a humn book? Maybe there's a special edition available - with just the music and no words for those who just want to humn along!”
Maisie Parker drove past a church near Birmingham( England), last week. There was a huge notice displayed outside which read "He is not here! He has risen!”
Says Maisie, “Not much point in going there to worship then!!”
* We will hold our annual picnic on the church grounds. In case of rain, it will be hell in the church hall.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – It’s time we moved beyond toleration into appreciation of the other’s faith and culture.
Karen Armstrong
Nostalgia consists of longing for the place you wouldn't move back to.
source unknown via Evelyn McLachlan
Faith is the link that connects our weakness with God’s strength.
source unknown
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We Get Letters – Chuck Rinkel of Johnston, Iowa writes: “You have just proved how old I am getting. They say that over the years, jokes make a complete circle if you stick around long enough. I'm afraid that all of the jokes in this issue have made that circle, some of them several times for me. Fortunately, most of them are good for a second, third, etc, laugh. Of course the ‘blind pilot’ was the best one.”
Chuck – it’s true. It’s true. Your mind is a little like mine, in that I can remember every joke I’ve been told, but I can’t remember what I was supposed to pick up at the grocery on the way home.
But not all of us are “blessed” in the same way! Praise God!
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “poetic justice!”)
This by John McTavish of Huntsville, Ontario via Jim Taylor.
This young woman came home from work one day and discovered that her dog had died. Not only was she grief stricken but she had the added problem of having to dispose of the body.
She phoned the veterinarian.
The vet assured her that they would dispose of the body. “But we don’t do house calls. You’ll have to bring the dog in.”
This created a problem. First of all, it was a big dog. Secondly, the girl did not have a car. So she decided to take public transportation.
With some difficulty she managed to squeeze the dog’s body into an old suitcase and off she went. She had to lug the suitcase up the stairs at the station. But fortunately help arrived in the form of a nice young man who noticed her struggling. He offered to lend a hand.
She gladly handed him the suitcase and he lugged it up the stairs. When they got to the top, the nice young man smiled at her and said, “This suitcase sure is heavy. Do you mind me asking what’s in it?”
The girl became flustered and embarrassed. She didn’t want to gross him out by telling him what was in it. So she told a little white lie. “It’s my computer.”
With that, the nice young man took off, suitcase in hand!
The girl didn’t bother chasing him.
Exodus 20: 15.
For that matter, Proverbs 26: 11.
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Bottom of the Barrel –
This from Irene Carter in Calgary, Alberta.
In a small conservative town (you get to choose which one), there wasn't a place to get a drink for miles around, so a local entrepreneur saw an opportunity: He started to build a tavern.
The local church started a campaign to block the bar from opening. They prayed and signed petitions. The businessman was polite when congregants came to protest, but work continued on the tavern.
The night before the grand opening, a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their piousness after that – until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.
“I don't know how I'm going to decide this,” the judge said, “but as it appears we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't.”
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.)
It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this:
“There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below].
If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend.
If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks.
I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission.
You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor."
... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS:
To Subscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail
* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up.
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Please Write –
If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.
All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.
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Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-05-04
May 4th, 2008
FIVE HUNDRED RUMORS!!!
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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A number of you wrote to say that you were pretty turned off by the Story Lectionary discussion group. I don’t blame you. The program we were using allowed spammers to fill the thing up with porn. It was really ugly.
Not only that, the software wanted all kind of information and it was quite confusing to sign in.
So we’ve put that poor thing out of it’s misery. It is gone. Kaput!
And we’ve launched a new one. Much simpler. No forms to fill in. Just send me an e-mail and say you’d like to be on it.
We’ve also re-named it. We’re calling it “Share-the-wealth.” We hope folks will use it to share their ideas, comments, resources – the wealth of experience, knowledge, insight and material that you have in your heads and filing cabinets.
So please join us. Just send me a note.
ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Revised Common Lectionary – let’s have a party
Rumors – knowing when to stop
Soft Edges – information overload
Good Stuff – beware of garbage trucks
Bloopers – humming the hymns
We Get Letters – the circle goes round and round
Mirabile Dictu! – poetic justice
Bottom of the Barrel – the power of prayer
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – This from Wayne Seybert of Longmont, Colorado.
A young girl walks into her father's study and sees that he is writing, so she sits down. Her father looks up and then back to his writing. He takes his pencil and crosses out a word here and one there. He writes more and crosses out some also.
“What are you writing?” the girl asks.
“I’m writing a sermon for Sunday,” says the dad.
“How do you know what to say?”
“God tells me what to write.”
The girl shakes her head sadly. “You’re not listening, are you?”
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These are the readings you will probably hear in church next Sunday, May 11th, which is Pentecost Sunday.
Because this is one of the high festivals of the church year, the Story Lectionary and the Revised Common Lectionary share the same core reading – the story of the birthday of the church, Acts 2.
And it’s also Mother’s Day.
The Revised Common Lectionary calls for Acts 2:1-21. The Story Lectionary refers to the whole chapter.
The story of Pentecost is one of the most dramatic in our Christian heritage. The celebration of the birthday of the church is gradually gaining the attention it deserves.
It’s important not to get hung up on arguments about whether there were literally tongues of flame, or whether Peter said those exact words. What’s important is the experience.
The people gathered on that Pentecost day had a life-transforming experience. They struggled to put words around that – to find ways of describing what was both beautiful and terrifying, and beyond words.
Pentecost calls us to get beyond propositions and theologies and statements and open ourselves to the work of the Spirit in whatever way that happens for us.
In the Story Lectionary materials, we provide three possible ways of telling the story. You could use all three. Or one. Or none. There’s the scripture reading itself, arranged as Reader’s Theatre. There’s a story of Mary of Magdala “dancing in the Spirit,” and that same story adapted as chancel drama by Susan Heydt. Go to http://www.story-lectionary.com
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Psalm 104:24-34, 35b – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
24 Abundant and plentiful are your creations, O Lord;
you imagined them, and they came into being.
The world is full of your vision.
25, 26 You fill the abyss with the ocean, the seamless womb of life.
Upon its surface, you support tankers and freighters and cruise ships;
in its depths dwell creatures beyond counting –
sleek and gaudy, strange and deadly,
anchored like rocks and faster than fear.
From invisible plankton to playful whales,
the Lord God made them all.
27 All these owe their existence to you;
you set each in an environment where it can survive.
29 But if you turned your thoughts away from them, they would vanish,
a fleeting figment of your imagination.
Your spirit gives them life, as your spirit put breath in our clay;
without it, we return to the dust from which we came,
the dead elements of bygone stars.
30 Blow your breath through our being, Lord.
Create us afresh;
renew the life of your creation.
31 Then the glory of God will go on forever;
all living things will rejoice in God's gift of life.
The vision of the Lord will be evident
in all creatures great and small;
32 from coral cells to the continents themselves.
God strokes the earth and it trembles in ecstasy;
The Lord excites the mountains and they erupt in lava.
33 Is it any wonder I sing the praises of God?
As long as I live, my life itself attests God's glory.
34 So may even my imagination be devoted to God,
and let the Lord fill all my thoughts.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Numbers 11:24-30 – This is one of those passages where you know there are parts you just don’t get. There’s more going on here than we can see from this distance of time and culture.
But no matter. There’s meat enough in there to chew on. Moses doesn’t buy into the idea of a religious franchise – that only those within our area of control get to be prophets.
Moses wants everyone to be prophets. But if we’re going to say that, we need to be very clear what prophesy is and what it is not.
It’s not about fortune-telling, or soothsaying, or divining the future. A better word might be discernment. A prophet struggles to see a situation as it really is – one who through prayer and study and investigation and clear-headed thinking helps us see what is going on. And what the consequences might be.
That’s what Peter was doing at the Pentecost party.
1 Corinthians 12:3b-13 – This familiar passage is the origin of the metaphor of the church as the “body” with its various functions and capabilities. But I wonder about the second half of verse 3. “No one can say ‘Jesus is Lord,’ except by the Holy Spirit.”
When Paul was writing this, saying “Jesus is Lord,” was treason. It meant you were not saying “Caesar is Lord.” Saying “Jesus is Lord” was risking prison or possibly your life.
But nowadays, in most of the western world at least, the worst such a statement will get you is a strange look and people sidling away from you. And it is very easy for us to say “Jesus is Lord” when it may be a bare-faced lie and the Holy Spirit is nowhere in the vicinity.
John 7:37-39 – Water, it seems to me, is one of the central metaphors of the Bible. And that makes sense because most of the scripture stories take place in aired country where water is scarce and precious. “Living water,” could also be translated as “moving water,” as opposed to a stagnant pond.
Here in Canada, we don’t realize the preciousness of water. Canadians have more water and waste more water than just about anyone. Perhaps we need to push the metaphor a bit more to help us grasp the preciousness of the water – even as we use that metaphor to understand the refreshing preciousness of living water.
A children’s version of the story in Acts 2 can be found in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A,” page 116, and a story based on the 1 Corinthians reading on page 118. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – “How will I know when it’s time to quit?” I asked Jim Taylor.
“When it stops being fun,” he said.
We were talking about Rumors. During this past week I’ve had about half a dozen e-mails from folks pointing out that we were at issue # 499 and the next one would be #500, although there may have been a bit of slippage in that count from time to time. Keeping track of numbers has never been my strength.
Whatever the exact number may be, 500 is pretty close. When we hit 520, that’ll be ten years! And I have to confess that as I go along, I meet myself coming around corners sometimes. Certainly I’ve recycled a bunch of old jokes. (Can you get carbon points for recycling old jokes?)
And I have to confess that there are some weeks when I am sure I’m chewing my cabbage over and over. Been there. Said that. Done that. We’ve all met older people who manage to be colossal bores. I really don’t want to be one of them.
The good thing, and the bad thing about Rumors is that folks can take their names off the list and I never know about it. There’s instructions at the end of every issue on how to do it. Christian folks tend to be kind and don’t like to hurt people, so they quietly leave without telling me that I’m getting tiresome.
On the other hand, the numbers keep going up. I just checked. 7,233! And every week I get a few kind notes from people who tell me the stuff is interesting/helpful/funny/etc.
And I’m still having fun. I gain far more than I give because I get to flex my mental muscles and to listen for what the Spirit is saying through our lively scriptures and through the feedback I get from you folks. So at the ripe age of three-score and thirteen years, I find myself singularly blessed that I have been given a ministry to kind and gentle people like you, from all over the world.
All of you in ministry of one sort or another. You’re the kind of folks who make the best kind of friends. So I am richly blessed.
A deep, deep thanks to all of you!
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Information Overload
Somewhere, flipping through a magazine, I saw an advertisement for Keno, an on-line gambling game.
The ad showed a flock of baseballs heading towards a batter, who was halfway through a mighty swing. The caption claimed that having a lot more balls in the air gives you a better chance of hitting one of them.
It may work for gambling, although I personally doubt it. It certainly doesn’t work for baseball.
A batter can hit a ball because there is only one coming at him. His eyes focus on that single point. His brain calculates the trajectory of that point. His muscles swing the bat to intersect with that unique trajectory.
But fling a dozen balls at once at that batter, and his eye has nothing specific to focus on. The human eye is a remarkable instrument – it can see clearly only an area about the size of a quarter held at arms length. With a dozen balls arriving at one time, the eye doesn’t know what to focus on. The brain, the muscles, cannot coordinate.
If a mighty swing actually connects with anything, it will certainly be pure chance.
Although the ad was about gambling, it identifies a social problem today. We don’t have multiple baseballs flying at us. Instead, we have information.
We suffer from information overload.
The news is filled with situations I should get upset about. My mailbox is crammed with letters from worthy charities, all hoping I’ll connect with them. Television programs spray commercials at me. And my e-mail overflows with unwanted junk.
No one just goes for a walk any more, it seems. They wear iPods or iPhones and their iLk. So that they can still get text messages, stock market bulletins, music, radio programs – yes, even phone calls – while they’re out.
Multitasking works only as long as none of the tasks requires concentrated attention. But you cannot solve homelessness while researching hot tubs while practicing yoga while playing a five-manual pipe organ.
You know what it’s like driving at night in a blizzard? After a while, all those snowflakes whirling at me in my headlights become hypnotic.
I feel the same way about today’s information overload. It comes at me, until I am mesmerized, not by any particular piece of information, but simply by the swirling vortex of the blizzard itself.
The other day, a friend asked, “Didn’t you get our invitation...?”
I actually wanted to be there. But if I received their invitation, I didn’t recognize it. I must have junked along with all the rest of the spam.
The biblical prophet Elijah claimed he heard the voice of God in a “still, small voice” – not in the din of storm, the excitement of flame, or the terror of earthquake.
In our blizzard of information, it becomes increasingly hard to hear a still small voice – whether you call that the voice of God, of conscience, or of inner self.
To hit a home run, you have to deal with just one baseball at a time.
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Good Stuff – Robert Bates of Florence, Massachusetts, sent us this item called, “Beware of Garbage Trucks,” by David J. Pollay
Sixteen years ago I learned this lesson. I learned it in the back of a New York City taxi cab. Here's what happened.
I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station. We were driving in the right lane when, all of a sudden, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, Skidded, and missed the other car's back end by just inches!
The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and started yelling bad words at us.
My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was friendly. So, I said, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" And this is when my taxi driver told me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."
Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it. And if you let them, they'll dump it on you. When someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally. You just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.
You'll be happy you did.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Harvie Barker of Penticton, BC saw a paragraph about worship resources that referred to “our humn book.” Harvie writes: “From time to time I see people in worship services just standing up with a hymn book but obviously not singing. Maybe they had a humn book? Maybe there's a special edition available - with just the music and no words for those who just want to humn along!”
Maisie Parker drove past a church near Birmingham( England), last week. There was a huge notice displayed outside which read "He is not here! He has risen!”
Says Maisie, “Not much point in going there to worship then!!”
* We will hold our annual picnic on the church grounds. In case of rain, it will be hell in the church hall.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – It’s time we moved beyond toleration into appreciation of the other’s faith and culture.
Karen Armstrong
Nostalgia consists of longing for the place you wouldn't move back to.
source unknown via Evelyn McLachlan
Faith is the link that connects our weakness with God’s strength.
source unknown
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We Get Letters – Chuck Rinkel of Johnston, Iowa writes: “You have just proved how old I am getting. They say that over the years, jokes make a complete circle if you stick around long enough. I'm afraid that all of the jokes in this issue have made that circle, some of them several times for me. Fortunately, most of them are good for a second, third, etc, laugh. Of course the ‘blind pilot’ was the best one.”
Chuck – it’s true. It’s true. Your mind is a little like mine, in that I can remember every joke I’ve been told, but I can’t remember what I was supposed to pick up at the grocery on the way home.
But not all of us are “blessed” in the same way! Praise God!
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “poetic justice!”)
This by John McTavish of Huntsville, Ontario via Jim Taylor.
This young woman came home from work one day and discovered that her dog had died. Not only was she grief stricken but she had the added problem of having to dispose of the body.
She phoned the veterinarian.
The vet assured her that they would dispose of the body. “But we don’t do house calls. You’ll have to bring the dog in.”
This created a problem. First of all, it was a big dog. Secondly, the girl did not have a car. So she decided to take public transportation.
With some difficulty she managed to squeeze the dog’s body into an old suitcase and off she went. She had to lug the suitcase up the stairs at the station. But fortunately help arrived in the form of a nice young man who noticed her struggling. He offered to lend a hand.
She gladly handed him the suitcase and he lugged it up the stairs. When they got to the top, the nice young man smiled at her and said, “This suitcase sure is heavy. Do you mind me asking what’s in it?”
The girl became flustered and embarrassed. She didn’t want to gross him out by telling him what was in it. So she told a little white lie. “It’s my computer.”
With that, the nice young man took off, suitcase in hand!
The girl didn’t bother chasing him.
Exodus 20: 15.
For that matter, Proverbs 26: 11.
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Bottom of the Barrel –
This from Irene Carter in Calgary, Alberta.
In a small conservative town (you get to choose which one), there wasn't a place to get a drink for miles around, so a local entrepreneur saw an opportunity: He started to build a tavern.
The local church started a campaign to block the bar from opening. They prayed and signed petitions. The businessman was polite when congregants came to protest, but work continued on the tavern.
The night before the grand opening, a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their piousness after that – until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.
“I don't know how I'm going to decide this,” the judge said, “but as it appears we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't.”
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.)
It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this:
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Please Write –
If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.
All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.
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