Preaching Materials for March 30, 2008

R U M O R S # 494
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-03-23

March 23, 2008

THE BREATH OF THE SPIRIT
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list.
http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there.
Thanks.

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The Story Lectionary – liberty and release
Revised Common Lectionary – a dramatic change
Rumors – inside the skin of Thomas
Soft Edges – making a fresh start
Bloopers – the longest list in captivity
Mirabile Dictu! – arrow shooting angels
Bottom of the Barrel – golf your way into heaven
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – This from April Dailey in southwestern Pennsylvania who says the cold, wet weather has drowned all her crocuses. It’s dedicated to all the folks up and down the eastern half of our continent who have had a most memorable winter.

St. Peter was taking people into heaven; the devil was taking others into hell. St. Peter noticed that the devil threw some of the folk straight into the pit, while others were tossed aside like cordwood.
“Why do you toss some of the people aside like that?” St. Peter asked.
“Oh,” said the devil. Those are the folks from Pennsylvania.* They're too cold and wet to burn."
* Change “Pennsylvania” to whatever suits you.
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, March 30th, which is the 2nd Sunday of Easter, and is celebrated as “Holy Humor Sunday” in many churches.
Some material for Holy Humor Sunday can be found on the Story Lectionary web site. Click on:
http://www.story-lectionary.com/ralph/Ralph-Holy-humour.html

Story Lectionary – Matthew 28:16-20
This is a short little story, but it is the final chapter in the resurrection account as given to us by the writer of Matthew.
If you go to the Story Lectionary website, you’ll find that I’ve offered a “reader’s theatre” version of this story, bringing in some of the background from other parts of Matthew’s gospel. Click on:
http://www.story-lectionary.com/ralph/Ralph-Easter2.html
While you are there, if you click on “Jim Taylor” and “Linnea Good” you’ll find some other useful ideas and material for this Sunday.
Those first disciples, hearing Jesus’ great commission, would have heard it much differently than we hear it today. In fact, I’ve heard people say that this commission is “arrogant” and “imperialistic,” and that we have no business claiming our religious insights are greater than those of other faith traditions.
Those early Christians would have thought it was selfish not to share their good news with others. They believed that the gospel offered them liberty and equality in a heavy-handed hierarchical world dominated by Roman military muscle.
They even believed that humans had been created in the “image of God” and so had the ability to govern themselves and live moral lives. It was several hundred years later, after Constantine’s conversion, that they discovered Christian rulers could be as brutal and hierarchical as the Romans. That’s the climate that gave rise to the thinking of Augustine who convinced us that original sin was passed on to us through the semen of our fathers.
This ties in nicely if you are doing Holy Humor Sunday. Canadian artist Willis Wheatly painted a now famous “laughing Jesus.” Jesus has his head back, his mouth wide open, in a full belly laugh. Wheatly called that picture, “Jesus Christ – Liberator.”
Genuine good and wholesome laughter is a mark of liberation. And freedom.
Those who are genuinely free know how to laugh. All of their laughter.
And to weep. All of their tears.

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Revised Common Lectionary
Acts 2:14a, 22-32 – This is a snippet out of the Pentecost story. Here’s Peter making his grand speech to the folks from all those places that the lectors find so hard to pronounce on Pentecost Sundays.
The preaching agenda of the early church changed somewhat as the first glow of the resurrection wore off. Not so much preaching of the resurrection but a whole lot of talk about the Holy Spirit.
One of the gifts of this Spirit sometimes brings is the ability to do things you never thought possible. Peter had a bad case of foot-in-mouth syndrome when he was running around the Galilee trying to keep up with Jesus. Here he is, the silver-tongued orator who can quote scripture with confidence to a big gathering of Jews from all over.
I’d find that incredible, if I hadn’t seen it happen. I have a friend who couldn’t express herself or her faith at all. Then she became involved in the social justice work of the church, and in the course of that grew to the point of being able to spontaneously and eloquently speak to several thousand people.

Psalm 16 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Experiencing Jesus – two deaths occurred among our relatives in a week.
1 Life is short, Lord.
Like a breath in the night, it disappears into silence.
2 Human relationships all pass away;
we cannot depend on them for comfort in old age.
Only you, God, are forever.
Why should I put anything else first in my life?
3 Some people hold you as their closest companion.
They are the saints.
I would like to be like them.
4 Many people claim to put you first,
but they chase riches and popularity, privilege and power.
5 I say that there is nothing in life but God.
God is all anyone needs.
7 In the silence of the night, I listen for the breath of God:
In the bedlam of a business day, I watch for a whisper of wisdom.
8 I keep my mind on God.
God surrounds me like the air I breathe;
God buoys me up like water.
9 Even in a time of loss, I raise my arms to God's embrace;
My heart rests easy.
10 For you are a loving God.
Though our lives end, we do not vanish into the lifeless void.
11 No, you gather us into your warmth;
there we will enjoy the endless sunshine of your smile.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

1 Peter 1:3-9 – Peter is wonderfully perceptive – and sometimes terribly wrong. Because almost anything you can say about the human experience is true of some, and not true of others.
Peter talks of gold being refined by fire. It is the heat of persecution and terror that builds the spiritual muscles. Those who have endured the persecution of the Roman military come out on the other side empowered by the spirit.
Yes, but . . . It doesn’t always work that way.
We know people who have suffered terribly and that pain has made them strong. It has built their spiritual muscle.
But we also know people who have been utterly destroyed – strong people who have been turned into a quivering mass of insecurity and fear.
All generalizations are wrong. Including that one.

John 20:19-31 – A cynical friend once commented that this passage proved that Jesus did not have halitosis. Piffle!
In Genesis 2:7 we read that “God breathed into the human the breath of life, and the human became a living soul.” The NRSV translates that as “a living being,” which may well be more accurate but takes most of the juice out of the passage.
Jesus is echoing back to that creation story – giving the gift of breath, spirit, wind to his followers. “Ruach” in Hebrew and “pneuma” in Greek, the languages used in those writings, mean all three.
Bev is doing Pilates, an exercise regimen that she is finding very helpful for her chronic, complicated illnesses. Most of the exercises involve breath – using the breath to build inner strength. The breath of the Spirit is the breath of life.
When I’m about to over-react to something, Bev will whisper in my ear, “Take a deep breathe.” When we totally stop breathing, it usually means we’re dead. We’ve given up the ghost. The Holy Ghost, presumably.
So breath and wind as a metaphor for the Holy Spirit is useful and powerful. I remember hearing a sermon once in which the preacher had us deep breathing at several points – to release the powers of darkness and to bring in the gift of the spirit.

For children, the story of Thomas, based on John 20, is in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A,” page 100.
If you don’t already own the book, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod

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Rumors – The way I get at the biblical stories is to put myself into the skin of the folks in the story. And in this case, I imagine myself to be Thomas. It’s the only way these stories speak to me.
When I imagine myself as Thomas, I remember the poster that says, “Now that I’ve got it all together, I’ve forgotten where I put it.”
I’ve never been bothered by the idea that there is something wrong with my doubts. What bothers me is that the things I firmly believe one moment, I don’t believe at all the next, and vice-versa.
My problem is that I seem to be living on several levels at once. At one level, I am at least an agnostic and possibly an atheist. The whole “god thing” has no basis in fact or logic.
But at another level, I find myself deeply, profoundly committed to the basic Christian idea, which is (I think), that there is a God of love and justice who is involved with the world as a whole and with me in particular.
At a third level, I am a profoundly lazy couch potato who would like the whole problem to go away so I can get on with my life in front of the TV developing my Molson Muscle. (Non-Canadians note: Molson’s is a brand of beer.)
If my tripartite personality was in conversation with its various components, I might eventually figure out who I am and what I believe. But at any given moment, one sits on top and effectively squelches any protests from the other two.
And sometimes, out of nowhere, comes a whack in the solar plexus that sends me reeling, and mixes all three of those together into a mass of jumbled confusion.
Such as right now. As I sat down to write this, I received word that a person very close to me – someone I love and admire – has been hit by a serious stroke. So now the same God, to whom I am praying for his recovery, is the God I don’t believe in anymore. Meanwhile, in the background, lurks that escapist self that would like nothing more than to grab a large glass of wine and spend the rest of the day watching something totally mindless on TV.
The whole thing threatens to go whirling into emotional and intellectual and spiritual chaos.
But the breath of the Spirit, with each breath of my body, keeps insisting that God does not run out of Easters. That the living Christ keeps walking through locked doors and locked minds until everything else recedes into the background and I blurt out the confession, “My Lord and my God!”

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Making a Fresh Start
Our daughter Sharon has left for Ethiopia, to pick up her second adopted child from that country, a one-year-old boy.
Three years ago, she adopted Katherine Rediet (“rediet” -- pronounced “ready-yet” -- means “blessing,” in the Amharic language of Ethiopia). Like any grandparents, we think she’s the most beautiful and most talented child in the world.
But Sharon wanted a second child. She asked for a boy this time. She told us she would name him Stephen, after her older brother, who died of cystic fibrosis shortly before his 22nd birthday.
Last October, she got word that a boy had been found for her. His Ethiopian name is Tekalegn (pronounced “teck-uh-lin”). Sharon asked an Ethiopian woman in her Edmonton congregation what Tekalegn meant.
The woman paused, and thought, and then said, “It’s hard to translate. But it means something like ‘Replacing something precious that was lost’.”
The revelation took our breath away. It still does.
So our grandson will be Stephen Douglas Tekalegn Taylor.
Over the last six months, Joan and Sharon have happily chattered about preparing for “Stephen’s” arrival. They’ve repainted “Stephen’s room.” Joan has knitted sweaters for him. Katherine is setting aside toys for her little brother.
But I haven’t been able to speak of him as “Stephen” yet. Something stops me. And that disturbs me.
I thought that I was over my sense of loss after our son died. Joan still has trouble talking about it, 25 years later, but me, I talked about it openly, perhaps too much. I incorporated insights from his life and death into magazine articles. Ten years later, I even wrote a book about it: “Surviving Death,” later republished as “Letters to Stephen: A Father’s Journey of Grief and Recovery.”
I thought of all these as catharsis, clearing the decks, getting on with life.
Obviously, I haven’t coped as well as I thought. There’s still something irrational inside me that wants to believe that there was only one Stephen, that there will never be another Stephen, that no one else will ever be good enough to be another Stephen.
Giving his name to a stranger feels like taking Wayne Gretzky’s number 99 down from the Hall of Fame and giving it to some upstart from the minor leagues.
I know, I know -- it’s silly. And it’s not fair to Tekalegn. It’s not fair to resent his assuming our son’s name; nor is it fair to place that burden of expectations on his tiny shoulders.
He’s my grandson, not my son.
He arrives in Edmonton this coming weekend, God and Air Canada willing… At that point, I have to give up nursing old wounds. I cannot penalize the one who lives, to preserve the memory of the one who died.
I cannot call him Tekalegn, when everyone else calls him Stephen. What’s past must be past -- he is the present and the future.
So I must, I shall, I will, love him just for who he is.
Welcome home, young Stephen.

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Peter Gunning saw this note posted in a crematorium. “For sale: Niche on boundary wall. Price negotiable. Current occupier moved to be near family. Also available, granite slab to fit niche. Will have to be skimmed before inscribing.”

Heather Rodgers of Sherwood Park, Alberta writes: “We sang the beautifully contemplative anthem "Come Unto Me" by Larry Nickel. Our church secretary typed the title in the bulletin as "Come On To Me"

If you are looking for bloopers to use during Holy Humor Sunday, go to the Story Lectionary website and follow your nose. Or click directly onto the largest collection of bloopers in captivity:
http://www.story-lectionary.com/ralph/Ralph-Holy-humour.html

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Wish I’d Said That! – Remembering that Jesus sits on the right hand of God, if you are looking for God, go find Jesus and keep moving to the left!
John Dominick Crossan via Shadra Suzanne Shoffner

All speakers make their audiences happy – some when they start, some when they stop.
source unknown via Evelyn McLachlan

Wise people, even when they hold their tongues, say more than fools when they speak. Yiddish proverb via Jim Taylor
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “arrow-shooting angels!”) This from Irene Carter of Calgary. The list has been around before, but there are some new ones. Anyway, some of you might find it useful if you are celebrating Holy Humor Sunday on the 30th.
Angels – as described by children
* Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. – Olive, 9
* It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. – Matthew, 9
* Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. – Mitchell, 7
* I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. – Gregory, 5
* My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. – Henry, 8
* Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from holy cows. – Jack, 6
* Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. – Daniel, 9
* When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. – Reagan, 10
* Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. – Sara, 6
* Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter – Jared, 8
* All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. – Antonio, 9
* My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. – Katelynn, 9
* Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. – Vicki, 8
* What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. – Sarah, 7

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Bottom of the Barrel – A golfer set up his first ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his three-wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead, and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming, and asked, “Are you a good golfer?”
The man smirked. “Got here in two, didn’t I?”

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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Preaching Materials for March 16, 2008

R U M O R S # 493
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-03-16

March 16th, 2008

EASTER – HOPE ON A RAMPAGE
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)

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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there.
Thanks.

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The Story Lectionary – God never runs out
Revised Common Lectionary – Mary’s tears
Rumors – a package deal
Soft Edges – motors and muscles
Bloopers – a mighty fortune
We Get Letters – a very special Easter
Mirabile Dictu! – royal flush
Bottom of the Barrel – dying forbidden
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler –A teacher assigned her class the topic, “What I’ll be doing during the Easter holiday.”
All the students began writing, little Johnny in an especially animated and excited way. Soon, he raised his hand. “Teacher, how do you spell ‘gun’?”
Puzzled, the teacher said, “G. U. N.” Johnny continued to write even more furiously. Soon, he raised his hand again. “Teacher, how do you spell ‘die’?”
Alarmed, the teacher said, “D. I. E ... Johnny, just what are you intending to do this Easter?”
“Why, teacher, we gun die Easter eggs.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, which is Easter Sunday, the most important day in the Christian calendar.

Story Lectionary – Matthew 27:62 – 28:15a
Check out Jim Taylor’s preaching ideas and Linnea Good’s liturgy and music ideas by going to the Story Lectionary. Just click on this address.
www.story-lectionary.com
This is Part II of the story that began last week, as Jesus coughed out his life on a bloody, cruel Roman cross. To get a bit of context, and to read it in story form, click on:
http://www.story-lectionary.com/ralph/Ralph-Easter.html
There’s also a fictional Easter dialogue about the resurrection, which you can read if you click on:
http://www.story-lectionary.com/ralph/Ralph-Easter-dialogue.html
I wasn’t raised in the church, and didn’t start going to church until Bev got me there. That was about half a century ago, and I have not missed an Easter service since. So I’ve heard the resurrection story at least 50 times, and I find it deeply moving every year.
In fact, before I met Bev, I remember hearing that Easter story somewhere. At that time, I didn’t believe any of it, but I recall that the story moved me. It got under my atheistic skin and touched something I didn’t know was there. Of course, I shrugged off those feelings and got on with life in the “real” world.
During that half century, I married, birthed two children and adopted two more, become a grandfather, lived in three countries, traveled half the world, and lived through experiences of sheer heaven and utter hell.
I’ve heard many Easter sermons about how Jesus “paid the price for my sin,” and other atonement theologies. They don’t do much for me because they imply a somewhat petty God keeping track of how much we mortals owe.
An Easter experience that has become a metaphor for me, is a sunrise service led by Bev where she read the resurrection story as which we watched the cold mist roll back down the mountainsides and along the valley, while a scarlet finch sang in a tree nearby.
Or listening to a performance of Handel’s “The Messiah,” especially a contralto and a soprano singing, “Come Unto Me, All Ye that Labor.” followed by “And He Shall Feed His Flock.”
Or hearing my daughter Grace talk of a dream she had, where her twin brother came to her in love, after his soul-shattering suicide.
Or reading the words of my 14th century friend Julian of Norwich who talks of her “mother Jesus” feeding her at his breast like a mother nursing a child.
The crocuses are blooming in our front yard. God is never out of sunrises, or out of songs, or visions, or insight.
God never runs out of Easters.

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Revised Common Lectionary
Acts 10:34-43 (or Jeremiah 31:1-6)
The Christian faith moved from being a sect of Judaism to being a gospel for the whole world, and it was speeches like this one by Peter, that made it happen.
You may argue that it was the early church putting words into Peter’s mouth, but it doesn’t matter. It was thinking like this that made the movement possible. “God shows no partiality.” Those who “fear God and do what is right,” are acceptable. I don’t think “fear” connotes being scared. I think it infers a kind of knee-wobbling sense of absolute awe.
Notice that it says nothing about the correctness of our theology. It doesn’t say a thing about what we specifically should believe. It seems that if we can feel that reassuring-terrifying presence of God in our lives, and if we live in an ethical, moral relationship with all of God’s creation, especially other humans, God’s face “is lifted to us,” as the original (in Greek) words imply.

Psalm 118:1-2, 14-24 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Sharing the Good News
1 God, you give to life its goodness;
your love bursts the bounds of time.
2 You renew our confidence in you.
14 With you beside us, we can face anything.
15 We have no fears when you stand among us.
16 A whisper runs through the opponents' minds:
"God has chosen a cause; no one can conquer God."
17 But I am not obsessed with winning;
Winning or losing, living or dying,
I want to be with God;
I want to celebrate God's goodness to me.
18 God has tested me. God has put me through hell. (IS THIS OKAY???)
But God has never abandoned me.
19 Now I have the confidence to go anywhere, to try anything.
20 Whatever it takes, I know I'm worth it.
21 Once, I had no confidence in myself,
And I had no confidence in you, God.
I quivered with insecurities;
I was a raw wound, flinching from everything.
22 Now the ugly duckling has become the golden egg.
You hold me in your hands, and I shine.
23 Only you could do this.
24 A new day has dawned for me, a new life has begun.
Is it any wonder that I'm happy?
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

Colossians 3:1-4 (or Acts 10:34-43)
This passage reflects a kind of up-in-heaven/down-here-on-earth kind of theology that was understandable from people 2,000 years ago who lived in a three-tiered world. And I don’t think the injunction to set our minds on “things that are above” means that we walk around with our eyes turned up in their sockets, ignoring everything that’s going on around us.
It does mean serious consideration to the care and feeding of our minds, the way we care and feed our bodies with nutritious food and healthy exercise.

John 20:1-18 (or Matthew 28:1-10)
Of all the resurrection passages, this is the one that digs right down inside me, and speaks to something so personal and so profound, I feel a bit shaky each time I read it.
What does it take to believe in the risen Christ? Is it an act of will? If someone says to me, “Believe in the risen Christ,” is there a switch I can throw that does that? In our urbane, educated culture, how can you convince anyone of the truth of the Jesus story? Especially the resurrection part. Certainly quoting the Bible won’t do it.
It’s the tears that do it for me. Mary’s tears.
She is there at the graveside sobbing her eyes out, and it is through the blur of her tears that she sees the risen Christ. That does it for me, because it has only been in times of tears – tears of sorrow mostly but also tears of joy – that I have experienced the absolute reality of the presence of Christ in my life.

For a children’s version of the story of Mary at the tomb, see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A,” page 98.
If you would like to order a copy of that book, click on:
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod

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Rumors – A package deal
No one wants to be poor. There's no money in it.
A corollary would be – no one wants to suffer. It hurts.
We laugh at that because it is obvious. But the thing gets sick when we suggest (and we do) that no one should ever suffer or be in pain. I was told by a medical doctor once that his only real function was “to remove pain.”
Maybe it can be argued that poverty can be eliminated. But pain? If some great savior could remove all pain from the world, would that be a good thing? If some medical genius invented the universal narcotic without side effects – the ultimate Prozac with which we would always feel good about everything – would that be a good thing?
"I think, therefore I am." Descartes wrote.
Better still might be, "I feel, therefore I am." Or, "I hurt, therefore I am."
You've heard the story about the guy who got into his cups a bit much one night, and in a drunken stupor, wandered into a funeral home and passed out in a coffin. When he woke up the next morning, he looked around and thought, "I am in a coffin, therefore I must be dead. But if I am dead, why do I have a pounding headache and why do I have to go to the bathroom?"
I feel; I hurt, therefore I am.
Here’s another one. I love, therefore I hurt. Sadly, the reverse (I hurt, therefore I love) doesn't follow.
“They shall laugh, but not all of their laughter. They shall cry, but not all of their tears,” wrote the poet Kahlil Gibran in “The Prophet.” If you want to really live, he said, jump into the deep end of the pool. Love people. Love them passionately and deeply. You will laugh and you will cry, and your laughter and tears will come from the same place in your soul.
Bev, my partner of 50 years, is clergy and has performed many weddings. In her address to the bridal couple I’ve heard her say, “You have promised to love each other ‘for better or for worse.’ Well, I can’t promise that it’ll get better than this. But it will get worse.”
Bev knows from personal experience, living with me and our children these five decades, that the joy of loving anyone involves deep pain, disappointment, frustration and anger. The romantic love most couples feel during the wedding ceremony lasts a year or two. Then it changes into a different, deeper, more profound love or the marriage is over. It is the kind of love that knows both the tears and the laughter. It’s the kind of love that demands a conscious choice.
That’s true of parenting as well. It’s easy to love a cuddly new baby, but that baby will become a nine-year-old, then a teenager, and will reject your love while needing it desperately. Loving that teenager sometimes takes a hard, very conscious decision. “I will love that kid of mine whether he/she wants me to or not.”
It’s true of friendship. Jim Taylor and I have been friends and colleagues for years. We’ve had to work at it. We meet once a week for lunch whenever we are both in town. Sometimes we argue and sometimes we’re working through hard, personal stuff, and sometimes we tell the worst jokes you ever heard and sometimes we annoy the hell out of each other. We’re both opinionated workaholics, and our friendship would never last if we didn’t make it a choice. We’ve chosen friendship, not because it’s easy, but because without it we are only half alive.
In the cartoon Hi and Lois, the eldest son is wailing away with his guitar, and the kid brother asks, “How can I become a singer like you.” “You can only become a singer,” says the older brother, “if you’ve really suffered.” In the last frame, the kid brother is walking around looking desperately miserable. Lois is saying to Hi, “I don’t know. He was quite cheerful this morning.”
That cartoon is funny, because the humor touches a fundamental truth. You sing the song out of the pain. The joy of life is part of the pain of life. You cry for the loss of a loved one because you loved that person. We do not weep for those we have not loved.
If you want to live the full, abundant, meaningful life that sages and saints throughout the ages have promised, you must love passionately and work for the good of those you love, even, especially, when they have you climbing the walls. Unless we love passionately, we live only half a life.
But if we love deeply, we will get hurt.
Badly.
No exceptions.
Sorry about that. But the abundant life and suffering servanthood go together.
It's a package deal.

(updated and adapted from “Angels in Red Suspenders,” Northstone, 1997)

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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Motors and Muscles
On one of the last days of the cross-country skiing season, I headed up a favorite hill, a winding trail that climbs to the top of a ridge, then plunges down the far side.
Pristine snow clumped on the dark branches of spruce trees. The sky overhead was cloudless bright blue; the sun sparkled on perfectly groomed snow.
Then the cross-country trail crossed a snowmobile route.
At least two, perhaps more, snowmobilers had left their own trail to romp up ours instead. They crushed the carefully groomed grooves. They chewed up the smoothed centre. They rollicked off into the surrounding forest, and blasted back across the ski trail...
I was furious. I’m normally not prone to violence, but I would have had few compunctions about lashing certain parts of those riders’ anatomy to a tree before inviting them to ride their infernal machines off into the sunset...
When I got back to the ski lodge, later in the day, I dropped a note in the Suggestion Box, recommending that snowmobiles be totally banned from that provincial park.
Why not? The provincial government has banned all motors from the Bowron Lakes chain, reserving the chain of lakes for canoes and kayaks. The same principle could be applied to other sites as well.
I recognize that not all snowmobilers are undisciplined, thoughtless, inconsiderate, arrogant, self-centered, loud-mouthed, beer-swilling yahoos. But it only takes one or two of those to ruin the reputation of the rest.
The basic problem, I suspect, is that motors and muscles are incompatible. Most pedestrian accidents occur while crossing roads. When cyclists share space with cars, bicycles always come off second best. Jetskis don’t even see swimmers in the water as they scream past.
And we all know what happens when young men with too much testosterone push their souped-up Honda Civics and Mazda 3s to the limit, street racing.
Tragically, we humans seem incapable of not using power when we have it. When power is available at the twist of a throttle or push of an accelerator, we feel we have to use it.
Even if it results in chewing the hell out of a hillside or a ski trail. Hey, that’s what it’s there for, isn’t it?
Tragically, we tend to do the same with other forms of power. Operatic tenors feel impelled to blast our ears with maximum decibels. Petty bureaucrats make sure clients know who’s boss. Prime ministers gag their back benchers.
We like to call ourselves a Christian nation, but we pay little attention to the example set by the founder of that faith.
Whatever power Jesus had, he used only for the benefit of others. Presumably, he could have used it to save himself from an agonizing death. But he didn’t.
If Jesus was God embodied among us, that means God also chooses not to use all the power available.
That should tell us something. Power isn’t everything. And even when we have power, we can choose not to exercise it.

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Loretta Romankewicz says she recently got an e-mail addressed to "My Fiend." She edits the church newsletter in which she wrote: “two long-time members of the church council are stepping down and we thank them for that."
Loretta, I know the feeling, but in our church we don’t have the courage to come right out and say it. (Yes, of course I know you didn’t mean it.)

Garth Caseley says he was “driving into Moncton, New Brunswick last week and saw one of those portable roadside signs that said ‘How would you feel if you get scared half to death, twice?’"

Tom Schneider writes: “In our service this morning, we got to sing some old favorites, including Martin Luther's ‘A Mighty Fortune Is Our God’."
Tom says “It doesn't necessarily contradict the original.”

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – Long ago people cursed and beat the ground with sticks. It was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
source unknown via Tom Spinks

People who say that something is impossible should not interrupt those who are managing to get it done.
source unknown via Evelyn McLachlan

Easter is hope on a rampage. The world comes alive with possibility.
source unknown

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We Get Letters – We’ve all been hearing about the huge snow-falls they’ve been having along the north-eastern side of our continent. Rick Morrison writes that in Ottawa “we got roughly 50 centimeters of snow in about 30 hours, coming on top of 30 centimeters earlier in the week.
“Those close enough to the church walked, but many were too far away for this to be practical. Congregational and choir attendance were down to about a fifth of levels typical for this time of year. The opening hymn, chosen rather earlier, was announced somewhat sheepishly to be ‘O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing’."

This is from an unidentified person at a “UMC” in Minneapolis.
I have a hunch I ran this a few weeks ago, but my slothful, indolent, procrastinating and hence thoroughly admirable personality does not allow me to go back and check. Then I also got the same info in an e-mail from Dave Towers.
The anonymous person in “Minnie” writes:
Easter is early this year.
Easter is always the first Sunday after the 1st full moon after the Spring Equinox (which is March 20). This year the full moon is on Good Friday, March 21st. This dating of Easter is based on the lunar calendar that Hebrew people used to identify Passover, which is why it moves around on our Roman calendar.
Based on the above, Easter can be one day earlier (March 22) but that is rare. This year is the earliest Easter any of us will ever see. None of us have nor will we, see it a day earlier.
The next time Easter will be this early (March 23) will be the year 2228 (220 years from now). The last time it was this early was 1913. So if you're 95 or older, you are the only ones that were around for that.
The next time Easter will be a day earlier, March 22, will be in the year 2285 The last time it was on March 22 was 1818.
So that makes this a very special Easter! Like every other Easter.

Ann Hsu writes: “In our church this morning the children’s sermon was about how Jesus sees us. A mirror was brought out to demonstrate how we see ourselves.
The leader asked, "How can Jesus see inside us?" "By x-ray!" proudly announced a child’s voice.
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Royal Flush!”) This also from Dave Towers:
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly removes an article of clothing that reveals the maximal mammaries that made her famous.
“Thank you Dolly,” says the Angel. “They are most impressive.” Then the Angel asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her handbag, shakes it up, and gargles. Then she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.
“OK,” says the angel. You may enter, Your Majesty.”
Dolly is outraged. “What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?”
“Sorry, Dolly,” says the Angel, “but even in heaven, a royal flush beats a pair.”
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Bottom of the Barrel – Russell Pastuch of Ottawa, Ontario reads the darndest things in the papers. Recently he spotted this item:

Cemetery full, mayor tells locals not to die
Reuters ORDEAUX, France – The mayor of a village in southwest France has threatened residents with severe punishment if they die, because there is no room left in the overcrowded cemetery to bury them.
In an ordinance posted in the council offices, Mayor Gerard Lalanne told the 260 residents of the village of Sarpourenx that "all persons not having a plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpourenx are forbidden from dying in the parish. Offenders will be severely punished."
The mayor said he was forced to take drastic action after an administrative court in the nearby town of Pau ruled in January that the acquisition of adjoining private land to extend the cemetery would not be justified.
Lalanne, who celebrated his 70th birthday on Wednesday and is standing for election to a seventh term in this month's local elections, said he was sorry that there had not been a positive outcome to the dilemma.
"It may be a laughing matter for some, but not for me," he said.

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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
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* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Preaching Materials for March 9, 2008

R U M O R S #492
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor2008-03-09
THE CENTRAL STORY OF OUR FAITH ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Motto: "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Just in case you missed it last week, here’s the connection to all the stuff about Holy Humor Sunday, to be celebrated on March 30th. Just click on this link. http://www.story-lectionary.com/ralph/Ralph-Holy-humour.html
Also, there’s now an on-line discussion related to the Story Lectionary – a place where you can share ideas and discuss things with your colleagues in ministry. Just click on: http://www.story-lectionary.com/forum/
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The Story Lectionary – when the story is deeply heardRevised Common Lectionary – a proper exegesesRumors – the struggle to make senseSoft Edges – crisis of imaginationHoly Humor Sunday – April Fool’s Day parableBloopers – parish the thoughtWe Get Letters – tauten those musclesMirabile Dictu! – the nerveBottom of the Barrel – they’ll know we are ChristiansStuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – This from Mindy Ehrke. The graveside service had just ended, when there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder. The newly widowed woman looked at the pastor and said very calmly,"Well, he's there." ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, March 16th, which is Palm/Passion Sunday. Even if you are not using the Story Lectionary, you may want to check out this link: http://www.story-lectionary.com/ralph/Ralph-passion.html There you’ll find a “readers’-theatre” presentation of the long scripture portion recommended for this Sunday. If you are not familiar with the “readers’ theatre” concept, please take a look. It’s not the paper-in-hand bathrobe drama so often associated with church attempts at theatre, and it certainly isn’t the blood-soaked Mel Gibson over-statement.
Note: You can also find useful ideas for Holy Thursday and Good Friday on the Story Lectionary site. Jim Taylor offers his preaching suggestions and I’ve posted a story I wrote about what happened with Mary of Magdala and Peter during the time between Friday and Sunday. Go to: http://www.story-lectionary.com/and explore.
Story Lectionary – Matthew 21:1-11, 26:17-27:61If you read that entire passage out loud in church, it will take about 15 minutes. But if you don’t read it out loud in church, how will folks ever know the central Christian story? You might argue that the Resurrection story is the central story. Of course it is. It is part two of this same story. One makes no sense without the other. There is pressure in some churches to skip the tough stuff, and jump right over into the daffodils and bunnies. The media certainly reinforce that kind of avoidance mentality. Perhaps nowhere is the Christian story more important than in this Passion-Easter narrative. It is this story which was central to the early church – central to the church through two millennia – and will continue to power the church of the future. Whatever that future might be. And yes, we must reflect in that story. We must connect the Passion/Resurrection story to our own story. But that can only happen when the biblical story has been heard – deeply and fully. I’m not talking about a discussion on how much is historical and how much mythological. I’m also not talking about commentary on the theology involved. We must engage the heart before we can engage the head. A few folks can reverse that sequence. But not most of us.
Revised Common Lectionary – Traditionally, this is Palm Sunday, but many (perhaps most) churches include the passion story on this Sunday because the majority of folks don’t come to church on Good Friday, and hence don’t hear the story of Jesus’ crucifixion. The Readings for the Liturgy of the Palms are:Psalm 118:1-2, 19-29Matthew 21:1-11
Comments on the Passion NarrativeIsaiah 50:4-9a – This passage feels a bit weak compared with Isaiah 53. Maybe because we hear Handel’s music when we read that one. Isaiah 50 seems to make a very simple statement – that the servant will be vindicated. In one of his reflections on this passage (Aha!!!, 1999) Jim Taylor asks: “Did Jesus have to act that way, because Isaiah prophesied it? Or did he chose to, having absorbed Isaiah’s vision so thoroughly that it became his own?”
Psalm 31:9-16 – paraphrased by Jim TaylorKids are cruel. Children who are unusually skinny or fat, who have poor hearing or thick glasses or speech impediments, often have to live with merciless teasing. Perhaps you can still hear echoes of that treatment in your life. 9 I feel lousy, Lord. My head aches, my heart aches, my whole body aches. 10 My life is a sea of suffering.Night after night, I toss in torment;I cannot sleep; I waste away with weariness.11 I have become a laughing stock.My enemies scorn me, my neighbors avoid me –even people who pass me in the street turn away from me.12 My mind has turned to jelly.I might as well be dead; I'm a fraction of my former self. 13 I can hear them whispering about me.They put their heads together;Behind my back, they plot to make me look foolish.14 But they won't grind me down, Lord, for I trust in you.I know that you are my God.15 Even when I can't help myself, you will guard me;My survival is safe in your hands. 16 Don't turn away from me too – If you love me, rescue me from my torment. From: Everyday Psalms Wood Lake Books. For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Philippians 2:5-11 – This passage has given biblical scholars stress headaches for years. The Abingdon Study Bible says, “This passage is filled with interpretive difficulties,” which, when translated into English, means, “We have no idea.” Paul often sounds like an anal attorney but sometimes he simply breaks into song and reveals a warm and generous person underneath the bluster. So the proper exegeses of this passage is to break into a big smile and shout, “Wow!”
Matthew 26:14-27:66 – If I were to stand up and sing a quick little solo in church, people would listen indulgently, and all would be fine. If I were to stand up and sing a piece that went on for five minutes, I could count on the folks getting just a tad impatient – to put it mildly. An accomplished singer I am not. I should never be asked to sing a solo. Similarly with this passage. If you are going to have this read in its entirety (which I strongly recommend) then make sure you have the most capable reader in your church doing it. Otherwise it will simply reinforce some of the most negative impressions of church worship. It will do more harm than good. The Story Lectionary and the Revised Common Lectionary have almost the same readings for this Sunday. The difference is that in the former, it is arranged as Reader’s Theatre. Done well, this can be a powerful narrative of a central story of our Christian faith. Click on: http://www.story-lectionary.com/then go to “Readings” and find “Passion” where you will find both the “Reader’s Theatre” piece and some useful preaching suggestions from Jim Taylor.
A children’s version of the Passion story is found in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A,” page 91. To order this book, click on this address. http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
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Rumors – Almost every year, as Lent leads us in to death and resurrection, I struggle to make sense of it. I want to understand. But understanding never comes. What comes is a memory. I was standing with my sister at the bedside of her son who was dying from cancer. Such a short time before, he had been playing basketball. A tall, cheerful, bright young man. And here, a skeleton covered with skin and sores, was dying. It made no sense. And I could feel only one emotion. Anger. Jay had sung for years in the boys’ choir at his church. And so, to his deathbed, we had called his priest. As the priest walked through the door of the hospital room, I thought, “Please don’t try to be helpful. Don’t try to make it right. Because, by God, it is wrong! Please don’t say anything helpful.” The man was my nephew’s priest, but also his friend. He was in mourning too. Perhaps also angry. And he did exactly what should be done at such times of anger and pain. He took his little book and in it found the words we needed. Not little saccharine pieties, but the huge soul-shaking lamentations of the Psalms. With passion and anger in his voice that reflected the passion and anger in our hearts, he cried to God those vast, eternal, unanswerable questions. He threw at God the anger of our souls. He brought to God the terror of our hearts. And the words he spoke brought peace. Not resolution. Not answers. But peace. A sense that we were part of a community that had known such pain before. We were not alone. We were not the first to shout our anger and despair to God. For that moment in our grief, that was enough. It took many quiet, sometimes tearful conversations, many prayers, many caring friends and time, to heal the wounds and make life possible again. The “why” was never answered. Nor could it be. But God came into my pain to offer hope and healing. It was enough.
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Soft Edges – by Jim TaylorCrisis of Imagination There’s been a spate of news items recently, speculating about security precautions for U.S. presidential hopeful Barrack Obama. The U.S. administration apparently provides more security for Obama than for any other candidate, including Hilary Clinton. It’s feared that Obama’s growing popularity could make him a target for assassination. Commentaries recall the shooting of Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr., forty years ago. Some go back further, to invoke the ghost of John F. Kennedy. But, you might notice, no one suggests that John McCain is in any danger of being assassinated. I’m amazed – and saddened – that no political analysts seem capable of connecting the dots of their own ruminations. Intelligence agencies, in both the U.S. and Canada, keep a close watch on labour leaders, academics, and politicians who question conventional wisdom. But it should be clear that the real risk is not from the radical left but from the rigid right. From Timothy McVeigh to the hijackers of 9/11, the people most likely to resort to violence come from the conservative side of the political spectrum. Many would qualify as religious fundamentalists. But that’s not a fair characterization. Because fundamentalism is not limited to religion. It also applies to politics, economics, and the right to carry guns. Isn’t it interesting that the people who most vigorously defend a constitutional right to bear arms are also the least likely to defend constitutional rights to free speech? Besides, not all fundamentalists are extremists. To be accurate, Christian fundamentalism is a commitment to five foundational principles – not one of which endorses violence. Both liberals and conservatives can be dangerous, but for very different reasons. Liberals are dangerous because they can imagine alternative scenarios. Conservatives are dangerous because they cannot. So when the only scenario they know, the only scenario they can imagine, comes under threat, they see everything they hold dear spiralling down into utter darkness, chaos, anarchy... So in desperation, some of them decide to eliminate the threat. It has always been so. Jesus was certainly not crucified because he was a right-wing bigot. He was a liberal who called for change. Who upset the establishment. Who challenged the status quo. He told his followers to “love your neighbour...” That requires enough imagination to see yourself in your neighbour’s situation. I’m not criticizing those who choose to be conservative, after learning about other cultures, other faiths, other ideologies. The risk comes from those who are incapable of visualizing anything other than what they have already known. When they encounter a different view, they either reject it, or denounce it. Any challenge makes them even more rigid in their views. And because in their minds there is only one possibility, anyone holding a different view must be wrong. There are no shades of grey – only black and white. Tragically, this mindset often shores up its prejudices with religious pretexts. If they were true to their founder, their faith should be constantly testing their mindset.
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April Fools’ Day Special – I know. This is only March 9th. But my research on Rumors readers tells me that you are all so well prepared, planning and thinking things through weeks, often months in advance. No Saturday-night scramblers in this crowd. That’s why I’m sending this item to you a couple of weeks early so you can work it into your March 30th Holy Humor Day liturgy. If you suffer from short-term memory problems (among my friends it’s an epidemic) and you’ve forgotten what Holy Humor Day is, click on this address: http://www.story-lectionary.com/ralph/Ralph-Holy-humour.html
Here’s the April Fools Day story, courtesy of Patrick Bresnahan. It’s one of those stories about something that probably didn’t actually happen, but it should have.
An atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, 'Case dismissed!' The lawyer immediately stood and objected. “Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah. Muslims, Buddhists, First Nations people all have special days. Yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!” “Your holiday comes every year on exactly the same date – April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture, he is a fool, and April 1st is his holiday! Now have a good day and get out of my courtroom!!”
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Evelyn McLachlan saw this on a Burger King billboard in Florida. “Lent Special! Fish Combo $3.49"
Diane Mettam saw this in the newspaper. “A Lenten Soup Supper will be held in the church's Perish Hall.” Diane wonders “if there were many takers. Not a problem Diane. Parish the thought.
Mary Sue Evers writes: “In a small church in Oregon, the typist or maybe the copier left the final letter, a g, off the last hymn, leaving: "O, For a Thousand Tongues to Sin" Says Mary Sue: “Consider the possibilities!” True indeed. We probably do more sinning with our tongues than any other organ. And I do mean ANY other organ.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Wish I’d Said That! – I am old enough to know that a red carpet is just a rug. Al Gore Jr. via Velia Watts
Hope is believing in spite of the evidence, and then watching the evidence change. Jim Wallis via Velia Watts
Heroes are people who can keep their mouths shut when they are right. Yiddish Proverb
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We Get Letters – George Brigham of Shipley, West Yorkshire, England, has a couple of useful definitions for us:Theologian: You are encouraged to tauten your facial muscles on account of the high probability that the Ground of your Being is well-disposed towards you.Evangelist: Smile – God loves you. Velia Watts of Edmonton, Alberta, sent along this anecdote attributed to Mark Twain. I heard a preacher who was powerful good. I decided to give him every cent I had with me. But he kept at it too long. Ten minutes later I decided to keep the bills and give him my loose change. Another ten minutes and I was darned if I’d give him anything at all. When he finally stopped and the offering plate came around, I was so exhausted, I stole two dollars from the plate in sheer spite."
Evelyn McLachlan offers this Holy Humor Sunday meditation. Christians should outlive, out-love, and out-laugh anyone in the community. We may disagree, but let's not be disagreeable. The test of good manners is being able to be pleasant while you put up with bad manners. Tact is thinking twice before saying nothing.
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “The nerve!”) This is from Margaret Wood. It’s been around for a long time, but it’s a good one to reflect on once in awhile. One of the toughest tasks a church faces is choosing a good minister. A member of an official board undergoing this painful process finally lost patience. He'd watched the pastoral relations committee reject applicant after applicant for some fault, alleged or otherwise. It was time for a bit of soul-searching on the part of the committee. So he stood up and read a letter purporting to be from another applicant. “Gentlemen: Understanding your pulpit is vacant, I should like to apply for the position. I have many qualifications. I've been a preacher with much success and also have had some success as a writer. Some say I'm a good organizer. I've been a leader most places I've been. “I'm over 50 years of age. I have never preached in one place for more than three years. In some places, I have left town after my work caused riots and disturbances. I must admit I have been in jail three or four times, but not because of any real wrongdoing. “My health is not too good, though I still get a great deal done. The churches I have preached in have been small, though located in several large cities. I've not gotten along well with religious leaders in towns where I have preached. In fact, some have threatened me and even attacked me physically. I am not too good at keeping records. I have been known to forget whom I baptized.” "However, if you can use me, I shall do my best for you." The board member looked over at the committee. "Well, what do you think? Shall we call him?" The good church folk were aghast. “Call an unhealthy, trouble-making, absentminded, elderly ex-jailbird?” “Are you crazy? Who signed the application? Who has such colossal nerve?” The board member eyed them all keenly. "It's signed, 'the Apostle Paul.'"
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Bottom of the Barrel – James Beinke writes: “I forwarded the “Bottom of the Barrel” (“they’ll know we are Christians by the cars we can afford”) to my daughter, Charlotte Ricker of New Berlin, Wisconsin. Here is her response. She has a Red VW Beetle.The tune is “They will know we are Christians ...”
There’s a fish on my VW, there's a fish on my red bug, There’s a fish on my "punch-buggy", on the back of my "slug bug",With my fish I'm accountable for words from my big mug, And I'll drive with a smile and not like a mean thug.Yes, they’ll know I'm a Christian by the smile on my mug, Yes, they’ll know I'm a Christian by my mug.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below].
If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend.
If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks.
I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission.
You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS:
To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com* Don't put anything else in that e-mailTo Unsubscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.
All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.
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Preaching Materials for March 9, 2008

R U M O R S # 491
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2008-03-02

March 2, 2008

IMPULSIVE, IMPRACTICAL AND WONDERFUL
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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A special “heads-up!” notice about “Holy Humor Sunday.” See below.

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About the Story Lectionary. There is no budget for this thing, and it isn’t a project of any church body or organization. There’s no money for publicity, other than here in Rumors. So please tell your colleagues in ministry about this. It’s not a matter of selling them on the concept, but simply to let folks know it is there so they can make up their own minds about it.
Thanks.
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The Story Lectionary – other reasons
Revised Common Lectionary – make those dry bones dance
Rumors – connect dem bones
Soft Edges – powers of good and evil
Holy Humor Sunday – don’t miss it
Bloopers – in the abstinence
We Get Letters – it was Niebuhr, not Tillich
Mirabile Dictu! – les miserable
Bottom of the Barrel – they’ll know we are Christians by our cars
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)

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Rib Tickler – Unfortunately, this story is probably apocryphal.
One day, as the church parking lot filled up, people were surprised to find the doors to the church tightly locked. And there was a sign on the door.
It read: “I’ve been preaching here for three years about how we should live out the gospel in our daily lives. You must have heard the message. No go out and do something about it!”

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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, March 9, which is the Fifth Sunday of Lent.

Story Lectionary – Matthew 26:1-16
Last Wednesday morning, Bev was reading the paper at the breakfast table. The front page was full of the federal budget which the government of Canada had tabled in parliament the day before. She kept muttering comments as she read. Usually, “Waste of money!” It wasn’t hard to guess that her financial priorities, and that of our government, were not exactly the same.
Here the disciples jump on the woman who came and poured perfume on Jesus’ head. In my view (and probably Bev’s) they were quite right to do so. When Bev read about increased funding to the police, she muttered, “If they’d spend that on low-cost housing, it would do more good.”
When we read this story, it’s good to remember that the disciples at this point only had a dim idea of who Jesus was. Most of our ideas on who he was, developed after the crucifixion and resurrection. We read that back into the story. But the rest of the folks who were part of that event had no idea. Only now, in hindsight, do we know that Jesus was giving us another way to decide things. Not instead of clear-eyed careful thinking, but to know that sometimes a whole ‘nother way is called for.
The story in Matthew raises memories of my own experience when people have done something impulsive, impractical, wasteful and wonderful – like a child picking a dandelion and giving it with a kiss to a loved one. Or a bouquet of flowers.
Or Bev, a few years ago, deciding to take her step-mother, whose health was beginning to fail, on a cruise to Alaska.
Or two aging writers starting up a whole new way of doing lectionary.
Some of the best decisions are made with the heart.

Revised Common Lectionary
Ezekiel 37:1-14 – Ezekiel’s story is featured in the “Story Lectionary” as the reading for April 6th. I promise to look the other way if you go to the web (www.story-lectionary.com) and purloin some material from that resource.
If you take the trouble to dig through this book you discover that old Zeke is a delightful old dog. Like most prophets, he’s a little bit weird, but he is also touchingly human.
And his vision of the valley of the dry bones is more than relevant. The question, “can these bones live?” was the big question facing the Jews living in a fairly comfortable exile in Babylon. And it is the big question for our main-line churches, living as we do in the very comfortable exile of a consumer economy.
It’s interesting that the practice of the Sabbath, which became the central pillar of Jewish faithfulness, saw its full development during this exile. And is that something we might recover to make our dry bones dance?

Psalm 130 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
A Gift of New Life
2 God, hear me! Please listen to my pleas.
1 I am a helpless blob of misery.
I have dissolved in self-pity.
3 If you're keeping score, I'm a loser.
4 I'm counting on your mercy.
You have the power to punish me or to pardon me.
5 My life depends on your decision;
Not daring to say a word in my own defense,
I wait for your verdict.
6 Like a hungry child waiting for dinner,
like a job applicant waiting for a phone call,
like a grandmother waiting for the birth of a grandchild,
I wait.
7 If God's overflowing love cannot forgive me,
I have no hope.
No one else can free me from my guilt,
from the prison of my repeated failures.
8 Only God can save me from myself.
God is my only hope.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com

Romans 8:6-11 – I’m always bothered by Paul’s polarities – light and dark, flesh and spirit, death and life.
Here Paul is talking about those who live in the flesh as opposed to those who live in the Spirit. All of us live in the flesh. We have no choice. These terms may be a kind of short-hand Paul uses to describe those who have not yet accepted the Gospel.
It’s a matter of allegiance. Where do you find your directions for your life? From the ads that offer prosperity, popularly and sexual power? Of do you take your cues from the powerful stories in the Bible and from the community of faith – the church?

John 11:1-45 – Martha tends to get the short end of the stick in this story and the one that follows in chapter 12. But in this story, she plays Peter’s role. In the three synoptics, it’s Peter who blurts out the truth about Jesus. Here it is Martha (v.27).
In Jewish tradition, the soul and the body separate after three days. So Lazarus was good and properly dead. If he had been in some sort of a coma, four days without water or food in the tomb would have finished the job.
In John’s gospel, this is the pivotal story. From this point on, Jesus is effectively condemned to death. The question was only when and how.

For children see “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year A,” page 89, the raising of Lazarus.
Click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod

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Rumors – A number of years ago I found myself at a big “cathedral” church in downtown Vancouver. St. Andrew’s-Wesley. It is known affectionately as “St. A&W.” I was preaching a series of sermons for the evenings of Holy Week.
I come at sermons from a different angle than most preachers. My background is communications – radio, TV and the printed word.
And theatre. Especially theatre. I’ve never taken a homiletics course. So you can decide for yourself whether this different approach has value for you.
The sanctuary at St. Andrews-Wesley could probably hold 2,000 people. About 200 came on the Monday – not bad for an evening service in a downtown church.
Except that the people were scattered all over the sanctuary. My amplified voice reverberated back at me, and I had a sense of talking to no one.
Déjà vu! I remembered my days in TV talking to a piece of convex glass, trying to pretend it was a real live person.
I felt like Ezekiel preaching to the dry bones. There seemed to be nothing alive out there. “Could we move the event into the chapel?” I pleaded.
About the same number of people came on Tuesday, but in the chapel it was a totally different event. I could see faces. Eyes. I was talking to people and the people fed me with their smiles, frowns, furrowed brows and sometimes open-mouthed surprise.
A researcher in California recently discovered what we’ve known all along – that more people go to church on Sunday than attend all the sports events across the country.
But here’s what puzzled the researcher. People said they had not experienced a sense of God being present while they were in church. “They don’t get what they came for,” said the researcher. “Why do they keep going back?”
A very good question. But how come they don’t get what they came for? Perhaps a small part of it is that too many preachers give lectures rather than sermons. The use of PowerPoint just makes it worse.
Those preachers are far away from the folks in the pews, both physically and intellectually, and the words of the sermon simply float over their heads and dissolve somewhere in the back of the church. Those words may catch a few minds on the way, but they don’t catch the hearts.
Jim Taylor and I launched the Story Lectionary in the hope that it would help a few preachers catch people’s hearts when they preach. Not that it’s the whole answer to everything, but we are convinced it is at least part of the answer. Because stories, at least when they are well told, connect with people where they live. There is a connection with their lives.
“Can these bones live?” God asks Ezekiel? Well, yes, if we deliver flesh and blood and not another load of homiletical bones.
“Prophesy to these bones,” God tells Ezekiel. Not a nice talk. Not a lecture. Not an analysis. Prophecy.
Prophecy is what God calls for. I’m not sure what “prophecy” might mean to the modern preacher in a main-line church. But I’m darn sure it is something that engages those dry bones in the pews at both the emotional and the rational level. The rational doesn’t much happen without the emotional, and the emotional isn’t very useful without the rational.
You have both, or you have nothing.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Powers of Good and Evil
Out of the blue, the woman said, “When I look around the world, I have trouble believing in a power of good. But I have no difficulty believing in a power of evil.”
I was a bit startled.
Partly because it’s sort of a taboo thing to say.
And partly because it expressed a thought I had been trying hard not to think.
I convinced myself long ago that the legendary figure of Satan, dressed in red flame-proof tights and wielding a trident – presumably used to skewer poor souls so that they could barbecue over the fires of hell like a pot roast on a rotisserie – had no more reality than the tooth fairy.
I had no sympathy for excuses like, “The devil made me do it.” I saw them as a tacit admission of failure to accept responsibility for one’s own actions.
Besides, belief in a devil seemed very like dualism. Zoroastrianism has two gods, one good, one evil. But Christianity proclaims one God only. I called myself Christian. Therefore, I believed, God cannot have an evil counterpart.
But as regular readers may have noticed, I too have been having trouble lately believing in a traditional God.
In the United Church’s national magazine, The Observer, Sara Jewell wrote about a disillusioned friend of hers. “What’s the point of praying before a meeting about making good decisions?” Sara’s friend demanded. “At the same time, someone’s praying that someone will stop raping them. If there is a Being who has the personal authority to help us have a better meeting, why isn’t that Being helping people in real distress?”
Precisely. About 13 million people will die of AIDS this year, leaving perhaps three times that many children orphaned... Floods drown thousands in Bangladesh... Rising ocean levels threaten island nations in the Pacific... Suicide bombers disrupt a Baghdad funeral...
Earthquakes, fires, wars and civil wars, tribal massacres, corruption, crime, drug dealing, child pornography – they make it hard to believe in an omnipotent God who could stop these things but won’t.
But it’s increasing easy to believe in a power of evil that subverts our best intentions. Such a power doesn’t have to cause earthquakes or tsunamis. It doesn’t have to trigger volcanoes or landslides. It doesn’t have to manipulate nature at all.
It merely has to affect our responses. It weasels into human hearts and minds. Like a parasite or a cancer cell, it takes over our normal reactions and uses them against us. It turns generosity into selfishness, respect into envy, ambition into greed.
Then it occurs to me. If I can believe in a power of evil that doesn’t have to be all-powerful to achieve its ends, why do I need the power of good to be omnipotent?
Maybe a power of good doesn’t have to be omnipotent either. Maybe it can work the same way, by infiltrating our hearts and minds, by turning selfish emotions into altruism, and apathy into energy.
Maybe...

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Holy Humor Sunday
This is a “heads up” notice!
Many churches will be celebrating the Sunday after Easter as Holy Humor Sunday. Others celebrate on the Sunday closest to April 1st, April Fool’s Day. This year, they are the same day, March 30th. I know that’s still a few weeks down the pike, but you may want to prepare something ahead of time. There are some preachers who actually do that.
“Holy Humor Sunday” or “Bright Sunday” was drawn to national attention by Harvey Cox in his book, “The Feast of Fools,” and popularized by Cal Samra through his newsletter, the “Joyful Noiseletter.” Rob Thomas sent me this note last year. “For centuries in Eastern Orthodox, Catholic and Protestant countries, the week following Easter Sunday, including "Bright Sunday" (the Sunday after Easter), was observed by the faithful as "days of joy and laughter" with parties and picnics to celebrate Jesus' resurrection. “Churchgoers and pastors played practical jokes on each other, drenched each other with water, told jokes, sang, and danced. “The custom was rooted in the musings of early church theologians (like Augustine, Gregory of Nyssa, and John Chrysostom) that God played a practical joke on the devil by raising Jesus from the dead. “Risus paschalis – the “Easter laugh," the early theologians called it. “Many churches from different traditions responded enthusiastically. Holy Humor Sunday services are bringing back large crowds to churches on a Sunday when church attendance typically drops dramatically.”
Holy Humor Sunday has the wonderful distinction of not being authorized or even recommended by any church structure anywhere. At least as far as I know.
Nevertheless, and not withstanding (or with sitting for that matter) with the help of people like Sharon Poirier of Greenfield Park, Quebec who reminded me that this Sunday was coming up, I make the following proclamation.
“By the total lack of any authority vested in me or anyone else, I hereby declare the Sunday after Easter to be Holy Humor Sunday! So there too and also!”
What’s more, I’ve put Holy Humor into the Story Lectionary. Click on this address: www.story-lectionary.com and it’ll take you to the main page. Click “Readings” then find “Easter 2 (March 30)” and click on “story.” You’ll find the normal, straight-laced lectionary, followed by stuff you can use on Holy Humor Sunday.

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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – April Dailey of Ford City, Pennsylvania saw this in a set of minutes: “The Vice President conducted the meeting in the abstinence of the President . . .”

from the file:
* The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. * The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
If you read the blurb just above this, about Holy Humor Sunday, and do what it tells you (like nice little boys and girls) you will also discover the longest list of bulletin bloopers in captivity.

If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com

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Wish I’d Said That! – If you are playing for 18,000 people, play as if for one – with 17,999 eavesdroppers.
Mstislav Rostropovich (cellist) via Randy Hall

The future of any church is not with former pastors, but forward moving members.
Bill Salyers via Carl Chamberlain

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them. attributed to Albert Einstein, via Jim Taylor
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We Get Letters – John H Neufeld of Winnipeg, Manitoba writes: “When I read the take-off on the serenity prayer this morning I recalled that we often fail to get the whole text of the original serenity prayer as penned by Reinhold Niebuhr” (I wrongly attributed it to Paul Tillich).Here it is:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right,
if I surrender to His will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.

Carl Boyke found this on BeliefNet. “While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church approached the stage. "This is our prison quartet," said the pastor. "Behind a few bars and always looking for the key."
from "All In a Day's Work" by Raymond McAlister

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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Les Miserable!”)
Fifteen Ways to Stay Miserable:
1. Wait for others to make you happy.
2. Blame everyone else for your unhappiness.
3. Use “if only” whenever you can, regarding time, money or friends.
4. Compare what you have with what others have.
5. Always be serious.
6. Take responsibility for everything all the time.
7. Try to please everybody all the time (never say “no”).
8. Help others, but don’t let anyone help you.
9. Consider your own wants unimportant.
10. If anyone compliments you, discount it.
11. If anyone says anything bad about you, exaggerate it.
12. Always stay calm and cool.
13. Resist change to the death.
14. Strive for absolute perfection.
15. Always live in the past or in the future.

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Bottom of the Barrel – A challenge. Have your congregation sing this as their opening hymn. Or you could save it for Holy Humor Sunday. The tune is “They will know we are Christians ...”

There’s a fish on my Honda, there’s a fish on my Ford,
There’s a fish on my Honda, there’s a fish on my Ford,
With my fish I can tell the world I’m driving for the Lord,
And they’ll see how God’s blessed me by the car I can afford.
Yes, they’ll know we are Christians by the fish on our cars,
Yes, they’ll know we are Christians by our cars.

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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*