R U M O R S #478
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2007-12-02
December 2, 2007
EVERYDAY HEROS
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there.
Thanks.
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A senior’s Yule drool: “All I want for Christmas is my upper plate. . .” Plus 123 more subscribers to Rumors! The computer tells me we have 6,877 kind, generous, good-looking and very intelligent folks subscribing to Rumors. Surely, surely there must be 123 more stellar souls out there who would not find their integrity too terribly compromised by subscribing. Think, people, think! There must be somebody you know!
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Next Week’s Readings – the glory and the guilt
Rumors – daily, boring heroism
Soft Edges – when the ground moves beneath us
Good Stuff – threes
Bloopers – singing hard and loud
We Get Letters – rabbitanarian reincarnationalism
Mirabile Dictu! – heavenly peas
Bottom of the Barrel – benefits of church
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – Margaret & Wally Wood of Wick Caithness, Scotland got this gem from Ken Warner of Halkirk, Scotland.
It was the Christmas pageant, written and directed by a group of twelve-year-olds.
The first scene was at the inn with Joseph and Mary looking for a room for the night.
Innkeeper: Can’t you see the sign? No vacancies!
Joseph: Yes, but can’t you see my wife's expecting a baby?
Innkeeper: Well, that's not my fault.
Joseph: It's not mine either.
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you will probably hear in church this coming Sunday, December 9th, if you are using the Revised Common Lectionary.
This will be the second Sunday of Advent.
Isaiah 11:1-10 – Someone once quipped that “’the leopard may lie down with the lamb, (v.6)’ but the lamb won’t get much sleep.”
That chuckle gets right to the heart of this beautiful and powerful passage. We dream of the peaceable kingdom, when everything in the world is as it should be. But the reality is different.
At the various junction points in our lives – a new school, a new marriage, a new job – we dream of perfection while we fear our failure. And most often, the reality is a bit of both.
The Advent dream is that God’s gift of self, given substance in tiny baby, will help us once again to dream into that peaceable kingdom, and perhaps find a way to give that dream substance in our own lives.
Psalm 72:1-7, 18-19 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
The laws we live under shape our lives. We should not think of them as separate from our faith.
1 Help our governments to govern rightly, God.
Lend them your wisdom.
2 May they govern the people with justice;
May they fairly represent the poor and the voiceless.
3 May their legislation create
mountains of prosperity for their people;
May their laws level out every inequity.
4 May they not look after their own interests;
May they look after the needs of natives and immigrants,
of nobodies and outsiders.
5 As long as the sun rises and the rivers run,
God will guide them.
6 Like the rain that makes the grass grow,
like April showers that bring May flowers
God will nurture those who govern wisely and well.
7 God does not wax and wane like the moon;
Because God is constant,
those who remain responsive to God will never wander.
18 Only God can make such a promise.
19 Thanks be to God. Amen.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Romans 15:4-13 – Paul didn’t quite get his quotes right, but then he didn’t travel with a laptop, much less a shelf full of books. He had to work from memory, and with that in mind I think he did very well.
Paul was writing to the Jewish Christians in Rome, telling them that God really did want those Gentiles to be part of “The Way,” the name they gave to the early form of Christianity. It’s good to remember that we are the Gentiles Paul is talking about. We are the outsiders wanting in.
It’s always tempting to get into a “we-they” kind of thinking. Our own congregation in our own denomination is the “norm” by which we judge all others. No, of course we don’t mean that – the moment we think about it. But if we look really carefully, we may be astonished to find how many of our assumptions are based on that.
Matthew 3:1-12 – When we are reading Matthew, it’s always good to remember that he had it in for Jewish leaders, the “Pharisees and Sadducees” he talks about in verse seven. They were the ones who had rejected the Jewish Christians, and in his mind, prevented the Jewish people from recognizing Jesus as the Messiah.
There’s a young man I know who teaches yoga in our town. His head is covered in dreadlocks, his clothing is always colorful and unconventional, and he has a thin, gaunt look about him, possibly because he is a very strict vegetarian. I think of him as a kind of modern-day John the Baptist.
If someday we see him baptizing in Okanagan Lake, you and I shouldn’t go anywhere near the place because he would point his trembling finger at us and say, “You brood of vipers,” or its modern equivalent.
He would say that because we represent the religious establishment. And on our shoulders rests the guilt and the glory of our Christian institutions. And while we accept his judgment we should also celebrate all that the Christian Church is now and has been.
Christians tend to do the “guilt” thing quite well. And we are guilty. But the glory part is true too and unless we see that as well, the guilt part is destructive without being redemptive.
Christ is not absent from our community.
There’s a bundle of great resources on the Wood Lake Books website, including “Seasons of the Spirit” curriculum – which has material for all ages in the church. A few moments poking around on that site could be very fruitful. Go to the website at:
www.woodlakebooks.com
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Rumors – All this happened eight or nine years ago when granddaughter Zoë was still quite small, she showed me a row of Band-Aids on her legs. Band-Aids are a source of pride for her. When older brother Jake got a Band-Aid, Zoë wanted one too, and Kari, her mother, obliged with an “honorary Band-Aid.”
Zoë’s many Band-Aids were earned while visiting some friends. She had stumbled and fallen into a rosebush, and was scratched on the way in and on the way out. No great damage done. The scratches healed very quickly.
I wasn’t there when Zoë fell into the rosebush, but I am sure I know exactly what happened. The instant reflex of every adult nearby, especially her parents, was to rescue. It’s that fundamental instinct – to reach out and save – that makes us truly human.
Rescuing a child from a rosebush is not the kind of heroism that makes the morning paper. But it springs from the same instinct as that which leads someone to dive into the freezing waters to rescue a drowning stranger.
I remember a wedding service which Bev (who is clergy), performed some time ago. She said to the starry-eyed couple, “You’ve just promised to love each other ‘for better or for worse.’ Well, I can’t promise you that it will get any better. But I can promise you, it will get worse.”
A pledge of commitment – to a partner, to a child, to a cause, to a country, to a faith – has within it the promise of joy and pain – hope and despair. There is a dream – like Isaiah’s peaceable kingdom – there is the memory of pain.
Any plan, any venture brings with it the daily grind of simply doing the necessary things over and over again. In fact it seems to me that the most heroic people are those who keep on keeping on – doing the necessary, boring, daily stuff.
The parent who gets the children up every day and off to school, who scans the specials to stretch the food dollar, who washes the same clothes over and over.
The greatest heroes are not those who run through blazing guns to rescue fallen comrades. They are heroes, yes, but not as great as the hero parent who actively and daily loves a child through years of teenage trauma. Or who offers “honorary Band-Aids” to a child.
The pledge of commitment to a faith is a promise to be there for others in the cruddy times as well as the moments of glory – to love the sinners along with the saints – to give special honor to the least honorable.
The Dorothy Days, the Jean Vaniers, the Mother Theresas, the Martin Luther Kings are great heroes of the faith, yes. But their heroism is no greater than that of the pastor who week by week and year by year visits the sick and comforts the afflicted and stands up for justice. The preacher who week by week struggles to speak truth through the encrustations of culture into the hearts of a jaded congregation.
Isaiah’s promise of a peaceable kingdom – John’s promise of a Messiah – are there for the everyday kind of folks who do the everyday kind of stuff.
If those promises are not there for everyday heroes, they are not there for anyone.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
When the Ground Moves Beneath Us
The organization – its name doesn’t matter – was exploring ways and means of continuing its programs. That meant developing new products, new markets, new users.
But every possibility seemed to lead to a dead end. Every proposal foundered on its own realities. And the banks seemed to be looking over everyone's shoulder like the grim reaper sharpening his scythe.
The group stared glumly at each other.
Someone commented, "We've just landed on Boardwalk, and someone else owns it.”
Everyone understood. That’s how the game of Monopoly has influenced our vocabulary.
"Do not pass Go," someone else might have said; "Do not collect $200."
If those phrases don’t make sense to you, you have never played Monopoly.
According to the game’s website, “Monopoly is the best-selling board game in the world, sold in 103 countries and produced in 37 languages...”
It got started during the Great Depression. Charles B. Darrow of Germantown, Pennsylvania, was unemployed, like millions of others. He imagined what it might be like to manipulate real estate, utilities, and community events, to get magnificently wealthy.
He called his game Monopoly – because that was obviously the tactic the Vanderbilts and Morgans had used to get to the top.
Parker Brothers rejected the game. It had, they said, "52 design errors"!
Undaunted, Darrow printed up 5,000 handmade copies of his game for a Philadelphia department store. They sold out. People loved a game that simulated their life experience – making money, or losing it. Parker Brothers reconsidered; Monopoly entered history.
I started thinking about other phrases that make sense only to those already familiar with that vocabulary. I've said to my British relatives, "Three strikes and you're out!" and received a blank stare. They'd get the same response from me for a term from cricket, say, or from Cockney slang.
Americans all seem to understand, "It ain't over ’til the fat lady sings." But not in Canada. No “fat lady” – or anyone else – sings at the conclusion of our annual Grey Cup national fiesta.
A generation ago, phrases from the Bible provided most of the common idioms of our language. Mention Jacob's Ladder, Ezekiel's chariot, or a Damascus-Road experience, almost everyone knew what you meant.
Not any more. Our church choir encountered a line, a few rehearsals ago, that said, "Free us from the babble of our Babel minds..."
"What does that mean?" several members asked. They had never, apparently, heard the story of the Tower of Babel.
As an occasional preacher, I like to build on what people already know. So I tend to drop allusions without explaining them in detail. Increasingly, I get puzzled frowns instead of knowing nods.
The second largest source of common sayings was Shakespeare. But many people today have never heard of Shakespeare, let alone learned any of his more memorable lines.
The common ground, the lingua franca of communication, has shifted under our feet. Today, I suspect, it comes from the commercial world. Not from literature, or faith.
If you have comments or questions about Jim’s column, write to him directly at jimt@quixotic.ca. Jim also does another weekly column called “Sharp Edges” which is published in our daily newspaper. It has a stronger political-social justice content. If you’d like to receive Sharp Edges, send Jim a note at the address above. Or go to Jim’s web page at: http://edges.canadahomepage.net/index.php . Click on Sharp Edges or Soft Edges or whatever else you might like to read.
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Good Stuff – This from Kausie White:
Three things in life that, once gone, never come back
1. Time
2. Words
3. Opportunity
Three things in life that can destroy a person
1. Anger
2. Pride
3. Unforgiveness
Three things in life that you should never lose
1. Hope
2. Peace
3. Honesty
Three things in life that are most valuable
1. Love
2. Friends & Family
3. Kindness
Three things in life that are not ever certain
1. Fortune
2. Success
3. Dreams
Three things that make a person
1. Commitment
2. Sincerity
3. Hard work
Three things that are truly constant
Father – Son – Holy Spirit
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Time to get serious!
Advent One has come and gone and in the next few days most of us are going to be as busy as the proverbial one-armed paper hanger. So go directly – do not pass Go, do not collect $200 – to the Wood Lake Publications web site or pick up the phone and call 1-800-841-9991, and order those “Spirituality of. . .” books for everyone on your Christmas list. Or go to any decent bookstore. If they don’t have them in stock yell at them. Create a disturbance. Get arrested.
Especially buy “The Spirituality of Pets” by Jim Taylor or “The Spirituality of Grandparenting” by yours truly.
Consider it an act of charity toward a couple of old aging crocks. Every book you buy puts enough money in our jeans to buy half a can of pet food for our Christmas dinner. Sob!!!! (By the way, I also have a really good bridge for sale!)
Go to this Wood Lake Publishing web address (www.woodlakebooks.com) for this and many other delightful and useful resources. Select “Search by Title, Author," at the top left column of the site. Or phone 1-800-663-2775.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Betty Hass of Columbus, Indiana spotted this in a Christmas bulletin: "Hard the Herald Angels Sing."
Betty, that describes our choir. The herald angels in our choir do not always sing well – or at least I don’t in the bass section – but we do sing hard. And loud. Which is quite biblical. The psalmist tells us to “make a joyful noise.”
From the file:
* The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.* Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – Live in such a way that those who know you but don't know God will come to know God because they know you.
Anonymous via Kausie White
Self-made gods always see what they are doing as being for the greater good
J.B. Robb via Jo Leget of Medina, Ohio
Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead. James Thurber
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We Get Letters – Fred Roden writes: “Chanukah begins December 4 this year, not December 8 as you mentioned.”
You are quite right, Fred. The source I used was in error. Sorry for the mistake.
Marilyn Leuty responds to the profound theological issue raised in last week’s Rumors by Trevor Quinn of Regina, Saskatchewan. "If a rabbit is reincarnated, would that be a hare raising experience?"
Marilyn says that’s “not likely, since reincarnation is usually to a different kind of being or plane of existence. Now if the rabbit were resurrected, Trevor's question remains!”
Profound stuff, Marilyn and Trevor. There is a children’s version of the resurrection hymn, “Up From the Grave He Arose.” The children’s version goes, “Up from the gravy, a rose.”
Now in some Low German dialects, a rabbit is a “hose.” Since rabbit is a traditional winter meal in many parts of the northern hemisphere, that song could go, “Up from the gravy, a hose.”
Since the smell of rabbit gravy excites the little smell thingees in my ample proboscis, it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to take that song one step further and sing “Up from the gravy, a nose.”
Isn’t it wonderful the profound stuff us theologians can squeeze out of one tiny little phrase?
Evelyn McLachlan has a new question to be added to the list of those used in communicants classes.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “heavenly peas!”)
This from John Severson. Good fun for a Christmas party.
* Sleep in heavenly peas (Sleep in heavenly peace) “Silent Night”
Olive, the other reindeer (All of the other reindeer)“Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer”
* In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he is sparce and brown (In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he is Parson Brown) “Winter Wonderland”
* He will bring us windows and limes (He will bring us goodness and light) “Do You Hear What I Hear?”
* Oh, Come, froggy faithful (Oh, come all ye faithful) “Oh Come, All Ye Faithful”
* An eggshell stable (In excelsis Deo) “Angels We Have Heard On High”
* Police have my dad (Feliz Navidad) “Feliz Navidad”
* While shepherds washed their socks by night (While shepherds watch’d their flocks by night) “O Little Town of Bethlehem”
* O tanned and bound (O Tannebaum) “O Tannebaum”
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Bottom of the Barrel – Coming out of church, Mr. Smith asked his wife, “Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?” “I didn’t even see her,” admitted Mrs. Smith. “And that gaudy sport shirt Harry Smith was wearing. I don’t think that’s appropriate for church, do you?”
“I’m afraid I didn’t notice that either,” said Mrs. Smith. “Oh, for heaven’s sake,” snapped Mr. Smith. “A lot of good it does you to go to church.”
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Preaching Materials for December 2, 2007
R U M O R S # 477
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2007-11-25
November 25, 2007
GETTING READY
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/. If your copy of Rumors goes missing (for whatever reason) you always find it (and back issues) at the blog site.
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About using Rumors stuff. Jim and I are delighted when you can use anything from Rumors in the life and work of your church. As long as it is for non-profit purposes and in a local congregation, you are free to use it.
You don’t need to ask. A credit note would be appreciated.
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Next Week’s Readings – wonder resistance
Rumors – utterly arrogant
Soft Edges – pushing or pulling
Good Stuff – the Zen of joy
Bloopers – true believers ruptured
We Get Letters – busting stereotypes
Mirabile Dictu! – ecclesiocide
Bottom of the Barrel – rescue the lost sheep
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – Happy (slightly belated) Thanksgiving to all the US folks. Here’s an American Thanksgiving giggle from John Severson.
Thanksgiving Day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church.
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
“Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "So why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you will probably hear in church this coming Sunday, December 2nd, if you are using the Revised Common Lectionary.
December 8th is the first day of Chanukah or Hanukkah (Judaism).
Isaiah 2:1-5 – “And they shall beat their swords into plowshares.”
Of course. Everybody wants that! It’s carved in stone right there at the front door of the United Nations building in New York.
I’m old enough to remember the Second World War, which was to be the “war to end all wars.” It demonstrated, if such demonstration was needed, that there are no winners in a war – everyone loses (with the exception of those who manufacture armaments). Since then we’ve had a whole series of deadly conflicts, and now we are up to our eyeballs in the eastern Mediterranean.
Again it’s Advent. And quite frankly, some of us are tired of singing about the “Prince of Peace” every year, when said Prince seems more and more to be a figment of pious imagination.
But last night I saw the future shining in the eyes of my almost-teenage grandchildren. They have not given up on the world. They have not given up on God. Their spiritual skin isn’t covered with tough, wonder-resistant scar tissue.
They still believe the promise.
And therefore, so do I.
Psalm 122 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 God calls people everywhere to a pilgrimage.
2 From all over the world, many feet beat a path to God's holy places.
3 They struggle through high mountain passes;
They shuffle across dusty deserts;
They crawl along the walls of river canyons.
4 The straggling lines of searchers converge in a fertile valley;
A great shout of joy goes up to the heavens.
5 Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus – the great religions discover a common cause;
They rise above doctrinal differences.
6 Pray for their unity; pray for their commitment.
7 May they not threaten each other; may they generate peace among their peoples.
8 God, watching over them, says, "They do not all call themselves my followers.
Yet they are brothers and sisters, meeting in harmony.
I will treat them as my own."
9 Because they do God's will, God will watch out for them.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Romans 13:11-14 – The “armor of light” is an interesting and powerful metaphor. Jim Taylor writes about being in a mineshaft a mile below ground. The guide turned out all the lights. “Darkness engulfed us. Our eyes strained to get used to it – and couldn’t. The darkness was as solid and impenetrable as concrete. It crushed us. And then our guide flicked on a lowly cigarette lighter. And the darkness slunk back into the corners. Even that tiny flame routed the darkness.”
I’ve had similar experiences in broadcasting studios designed to absorb all sound – to simulate the out of doors where there is no echo. Except in the outdoors, there is always sound. The absolute absence of sound, like the absolute absences of light, is crazy-making.
An absolute absence of light or sound is unnatural. But on a quiet, moonless light, far from noise and light pollution, you can see stars as you’ve never seen them before. And you can hear the sound of your own heart, and sometimes the heart of someone standing close to you.
Matthew 24:36-44 – Expect the unexpected. Be prepared for that for which you cannot prepare. “What you do while you wait depends on what you’re waiting for,” goes a Jim Strathdee song.
The folks in the church where I worship don’t think a lot about “end times” and “the rapture.” Neither do I. This passage doesn’t scratch where we itch.
If this passage is telling us to prepare ourselves for the coming again of the Christ into our presence – exactly what kind of preparation should we do? Christmas shopping and baking and decorating doesn’t seem to really fit the bill.
But what does?
Bev prepares an “Advent House” each year for the grandchildren. Each morning during Advent, they open a door and find a thought or an activity which helps them think a bit more about the gift of hope that Christmas brings.
I prod myself to be more thoughtful about the symbolism of Christmas – the meaning of the Advent candles, the significance of the wreath on the front door, the community we call our family.
And that fills me with a deep and visceral kind of knowledge that God is active in our bleeding world, and that I am called to be part of God’s action. God’s promise.
To live life as faithfully, creatively, openly as I can.
Which seems like so little. But it’s really everything.
There’s a bundle of great resources on the Wood Lake Books website, including “Seasons of the Spirit” curriculum – which has material for all ages in the church. A few moments poking around on that site could be very fruitful. Go to the website at:
www.woodlakebooks.com
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Rumors – Jim and I had hoped to have our shiny new Story Lectionary up and running in time for Advent 1. We are not ready.
We are now aiming for Lent 1, which happens in mid-February, but because some well-organized folks work well ahead in sermon preparation, the stuff has got to be there on the web in mid-January.
Will we be ready? No. We will probably start then, even though we can’t really be ready because this is something none of us have done before. You can’t anticipate a problem if you don’t know what the problem is going to be. And there will be surprises.
Over the weekend I was conversing with a long-time friend who works in theological academia. “The whole thing sounds pretty audacious to me,” said the friend. And of course, he was right. Also impudent, cheeky and arrogant.
Especially arrogant. Utterly arrogant. Shamelessly arrogant.
It’ll be that and worse if the whole thing flops. If it succeeds, it will be visionary, far-sighted, imaginative, courageous, etc. etc. Not knowing which, it’s hard to prepare for either.
Most likely, it will be somewhere in-between. 35% arrogant, 35% visionary, and the other 20% a mixture of all those other epithets. How do you prepare for that?
Nancy Reeves has written a book on spiritual discernment titled, “I’d Say Yes, God, If I Knew What You Wanted” (Northstone, 2001). Which is the problem exactly.
Advent is the time of getting ready, but getting ready for what? We’d get ready God, if we knew what you wanted!
Maybe not.
There’s the biblical legend which I suppose started with Moses, which says that if you see the face of God you will die. The whole reality of God is just way too much for a human to handle. It’s the same with God’s dream for us? If we suddenly saw the whole thing it would bring us down into a writhing ball of fear and insecurity. That’s why God lets us see ourselves just a little bit at a time.
Or maybe God’s dream for us is a little like my grandparent dream for my grandchildren. Whenever I’m with them, I see constant flashes of ability, charm, insight, creativity, and with each one there’s a voice inside of me that says, “Go with that, Zoë! Do that, Jake!” I don’t have – I wouldn’t want to have – plans for their lives. I simply pray they will unlock even a small part of the God-given potential within them.
So as of this moment (by the time you read this, it may well have changed) I think the getting ready for Christmas, getting ready for a new sense of God in our lives, is not about getting all your ducks in a row. It’s not about having our lives planned and organized.
It’s about unlocking the door from the inside. It’s about opening windows (not a great metaphor for Canada in winter), cleaning the goo from the lenses of your glasses, calling the friend you’ve been meaning to contact, signing up for course you’ve always wanted to take.
Preparing “the way of the Lord” is to “make straight in the desert” a way for us to become more of what God dreams for us. It means allowing impossible things to happen.
Preparing for Christmas is about opening up.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Pushing or Pulling?
I started this column a year ago, after Heidi Schlosser was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I couldn’t continue. I couldn’t write about a God who would bring a young woman into the world just so that she could die of cancer in her twenties.
I find it equally hard to believe in a God who willed the extermination of six million Jews in Germany. Or the destruction of the world’s oldest civilization in Iraq. Or the drowning of 200,000 people in the Indian Ocean.
But all those reactions depend on a presupposition that God, as Creator, works from the past. It treats God like a supernatural engineer who sets an infinitely complex machine in motion, knowing exactly how every tick will take place through all eternity.
The idea is called predestination. It’s been around a long time. Protestant reformer John Calvin refined it into a doctrine of the church – especially the Presbyterian Church – in the early 1500s. Predestination, in Calvin’s terms, meant that God decides in advance which individuals will get to heaven.
Double predestination means that God also decides in advance which ones will go to hell. Even before they’ve done anything wrong.
So why bother being good, if God determined my destiny before I was created? Why make the effort?
The answer is – are you ready for this? – that God gives you free-will to determine your own fate. But God already knows what you’ll choose.
Wow... some freedom!
Don’t assume this doctrine is universally believed in the Christian church. At least two great thinkers of the past, Pelagius and Abelard, insisted that each of us has individual responsibility. We shape our own fates, by what we think, say, and do.
They argued, in essence, that if God really gave us the freedom to make our own decisions, then God relinquished power to control the future. God has to wait and see what we choose to do, before knowing how the future might unfold.
Unfortunately, Pelagius and Abelard got outvoted by more influential theologians like Augustine and Aquinas.
In our scientific age, some factions of the Christian church expanded the idea of predestination into a belief that God must have pre-planned every leaf that falls in autumn, every rock that rolls down a hillside, every atom that vibrates...
And every cancer death...
I refuse to believe in that kind of God. I prefer to think of God calling us from the future, not pushing from the past.
Perhaps God is like a granny reaching with open arms towards a toddler. Or like sports fans, sending waves of energy to help a pole vaulter over the bar. Like me, whistling for my dog...
Granny doesn’t cause the child to stumble. It’s not the fans’ fault if the vaulter misses. And I can’t save my dog from burrs and brambles.
We lament when things go wrong; we rejoice when the one we encourage fulfills our hopes.
That kind of God, I can still believe in.
If you have comments or questions about Jim’s column, write to him directly at jimt@quixotic.ca. Jim also does another weekly column called “Sharp Edges” which is published in our daily newspaper. It has stronger political-social justice content. If you’d like to receive Sharp Edges, send Jim a note at the address above. Or go to Jim’s web page at: http://edges.canadahomepage.net/index.php . Click on Sharp Edges or Soft Edges or whatever else you might like to read.
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Good Stuff – This from Don Sandin.
The Zen of Joy
Once upon a time, there was a well-known and beloved Zen Master who was famous for being happy and full of the joy of life every single day. Absolutely nothing could make him lose his contentment.
When the time came for him to depart this world, he seemed as cheerful as ever, for not even the specter of death, which even rich and powerful people fear, could disturb him in the slightest. In his own inimitable way, with the same natural smile with which he always lovingly greeted his students, he announced that they should assemble in his bedroom and say their farewells.
As he lay on his deathbed, his devoted disciples gathered around him. One asked him the question that was on all of their minds.
“Master, before you go, can you please tell us, what has been the secret of your constant happiness?”
“It is very easy, really,” the Master replied. “Every morning, the moment my eyes open and I awake, I ask myself the same simple question: ‘Do you want to be happy or sad today?’ And every day, I answer, ‘I want to be happy today!’ And once I have made the choice, I simply stick to my word.”
And with that, he left this life with the same smile on his lips that he lived it with.
And not a single tear was shed in that chamber, for on the face of each of his devotees was an inheritance greater than the wealthiest Kings of old had ever bequeathed their kin: the smile of someone who has decided to be happy.
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From the folks who make Rumors possible – OK, so you’re tired of reading my self-serving plugs for my own books, most particularly “The Spirituality of Grandparenting.”
So instead I’ll put in a plug for the rest of the “Spirituality” series, all of which make really good Christmas gifts. There’s “Pets,” “Art,” “Bread,” “Wine,” “Mazes and Labyrinths.” And “Gardening.”
If the object of your affections isn’t interested in at least one of those, said object needs to go on a very long retreat to find a life.
No. Sorry. That’s much too harsh. You can make a life out of lots of things without touching any of those. Raising rare breeds of earthworms, for instance.
The thing about giving a book is this. You should read the book before you give it. Then you can say, “I gave you that book because. . .”
Go to this Wood Lake Publishing web address (www.woodlakebooks.com) for this and many other delightful and useful resources. Select “Search by Title, Author," at the top left column of the site. Or phone 1-800-663-2775.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Bob Lewis of Allentown, Pennsylvania saw this in a Sunday bulletin. "Remembering that we are broths and sisters in the Lord. . .”
Bob wonders if “a blooper like that has anything to do with eating one's words?”
Ray Grier of Port Townsend, Washington writes: “On the ‘email from readers’ page of a website discussing the ‘end times’ and the ‘rapture,’ one person wrote in asking how a loving God could let the true believers suffer the tribulation before they are taken to be with the Lord in the air. The answer, with one little typo came back: "Evidence from the Bible shows that the rapture will take place before the start of the tribulation, so, don't worry, when the tribulation starts, the true believers will have already been ruptured." (Ouch!)
Heidi Koschzeck “spotted this blooper on a web-page in reference to the Colossians passage for "Christ the King" Sunday:
"Paul takes off and sours to great heights of praise."
Heidi adds that they do that in their church choir sometimes too.
Hazel Peterson of Nipawin, Saskatchewan belongs to a very ambitious congregation. Recently they advertised an event at which there would be “knitting, quilting, car making and/or painting with skilled instructors.”
Ambitious, energetic folks – them there Saskatchwatchers.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – When you’re in deep water, the best thing to do is shut your mouth.
Author unknown via Evelyn McLachlan
Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
Jerry Garcia
If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living. Yiddish Proverb via Jim Taylor
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We Get Letters – Velia Watts of Edmonton, Alberta found this story in “The Hump Day Humor-Gram” published by Michael Kerr.
Busting Stereotypes by Busting a Gut
A Jewish rabbi and a Muslim lawyer/comedian have formed an "odd couple" comedy tour in hopes of breaking down some common stereotypes with the language of humor. Rabbi Bob Alper and Azhar Usman are succeeding in getting common laughs from some very mixed audiences.
Humor dealing with terrorism, racism, religion and even the 911 tragedy, is helping their audiences normalize and understand current events through a different lens. "When I sermonize, I hope I move people spiritually," says Rabbi Bob Alper, "but when I make them laugh, I know I move them spiritually."
This truly odd comedic couple is a great reminder of the power of humor to bridge cultures, unite people, and break down barriers with laughter. And as our workplaces become more diverse (both age-wise and culturally), healing, uniting, positive humor can play an increasingly important role.
Trevor Quinn of Regina, Saskatchewan raises a most important theological question. “If a rabbit is reincarnated, would that be a hare raising experience?”
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Ecclesiocide!”)
How to Kill Your Church,
from “Brethren Family Almanac,” 1897
1. Don’t come.
2. If you do come, come late.
3. Try to make lots of noise.
4. Don’t imagine the front seats were meant for you; people might think you conceited.
5. Come bound to find fault.
6. Don’t for the world ever think of praying for the church.
7. Don’t sing.
8. Don’t take any part in the service.
9. Don’t encourage the pastor, but tell the pastor’s faults to others.
10. Visit other churches half the time.
11. If somebody said a good thing and it helped you, don’t tell them, it might make them vain.
12. If you see strangers in the audience, make them as uncomfortable as possible.
13. Never speak of the meetings to anyone.
14. Don’t believe in missions.
15. Don’t give much to benevolence.
16. Let the pastor do all the work.
17. See that the pastor bears the cross alone and you go free.
18. Don’t take your denominational paper.
19. Don’t give your preacher anything.
20. Try to run the church.
21. If you think everything is harmonious, try to do something to engender all the strife you can.
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Bottom of the Barrel – Lost sheep get rescued in many ways.
A story is told of the great theologian and writer, William Barclay, when he was minister at a church in Glasgow. Barclay was deaf, and often didn’t hear comments, especially when the speaker was too far away for him to lip-read.
One Sunday, on the way out of church, a man came up and said, “Dr. Barclay, I want to thank you for saving my life.”
Barclay scratched his head. He couldn’t remember ever seeing the man before. “I’m sorry,” said Barclay, “but I don’t remember.”
“About a year ago, one evening, at dusk, I was sitting on the steps of the church feeling desperately dejected about my life. I called to you as you walked out of the church and I said, ‘Life is terrible. I’m going to throw myself into the river and drown myself.’ You waved to me very cheerily and said, ‘Well, the best of luck to you.’
That comment brought me back to reality, and today, life is good.”
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2007-11-25
November 25, 2007
GETTING READY
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/. If your copy of Rumors goes missing (for whatever reason) you always find it (and back issues) at the blog site.
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About using Rumors stuff. Jim and I are delighted when you can use anything from Rumors in the life and work of your church. As long as it is for non-profit purposes and in a local congregation, you are free to use it.
You don’t need to ask. A credit note would be appreciated.
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Next Week’s Readings – wonder resistance
Rumors – utterly arrogant
Soft Edges – pushing or pulling
Good Stuff – the Zen of joy
Bloopers – true believers ruptured
We Get Letters – busting stereotypes
Mirabile Dictu! – ecclesiocide
Bottom of the Barrel – rescue the lost sheep
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – Happy (slightly belated) Thanksgiving to all the US folks. Here’s an American Thanksgiving giggle from John Severson.
Thanksgiving Day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church.
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
“Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "So why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you will probably hear in church this coming Sunday, December 2nd, if you are using the Revised Common Lectionary.
December 8th is the first day of Chanukah or Hanukkah (Judaism).
Isaiah 2:1-5 – “And they shall beat their swords into plowshares.”
Of course. Everybody wants that! It’s carved in stone right there at the front door of the United Nations building in New York.
I’m old enough to remember the Second World War, which was to be the “war to end all wars.” It demonstrated, if such demonstration was needed, that there are no winners in a war – everyone loses (with the exception of those who manufacture armaments). Since then we’ve had a whole series of deadly conflicts, and now we are up to our eyeballs in the eastern Mediterranean.
Again it’s Advent. And quite frankly, some of us are tired of singing about the “Prince of Peace” every year, when said Prince seems more and more to be a figment of pious imagination.
But last night I saw the future shining in the eyes of my almost-teenage grandchildren. They have not given up on the world. They have not given up on God. Their spiritual skin isn’t covered with tough, wonder-resistant scar tissue.
They still believe the promise.
And therefore, so do I.
Psalm 122 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
1 God calls people everywhere to a pilgrimage.
2 From all over the world, many feet beat a path to God's holy places.
3 They struggle through high mountain passes;
They shuffle across dusty deserts;
They crawl along the walls of river canyons.
4 The straggling lines of searchers converge in a fertile valley;
A great shout of joy goes up to the heavens.
5 Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus – the great religions discover a common cause;
They rise above doctrinal differences.
6 Pray for their unity; pray for their commitment.
7 May they not threaten each other; may they generate peace among their peoples.
8 God, watching over them, says, "They do not all call themselves my followers.
Yet they are brothers and sisters, meeting in harmony.
I will treat them as my own."
9 Because they do God's will, God will watch out for them.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Romans 13:11-14 – The “armor of light” is an interesting and powerful metaphor. Jim Taylor writes about being in a mineshaft a mile below ground. The guide turned out all the lights. “Darkness engulfed us. Our eyes strained to get used to it – and couldn’t. The darkness was as solid and impenetrable as concrete. It crushed us. And then our guide flicked on a lowly cigarette lighter. And the darkness slunk back into the corners. Even that tiny flame routed the darkness.”
I’ve had similar experiences in broadcasting studios designed to absorb all sound – to simulate the out of doors where there is no echo. Except in the outdoors, there is always sound. The absolute absence of sound, like the absolute absences of light, is crazy-making.
An absolute absence of light or sound is unnatural. But on a quiet, moonless light, far from noise and light pollution, you can see stars as you’ve never seen them before. And you can hear the sound of your own heart, and sometimes the heart of someone standing close to you.
Matthew 24:36-44 – Expect the unexpected. Be prepared for that for which you cannot prepare. “What you do while you wait depends on what you’re waiting for,” goes a Jim Strathdee song.
The folks in the church where I worship don’t think a lot about “end times” and “the rapture.” Neither do I. This passage doesn’t scratch where we itch.
If this passage is telling us to prepare ourselves for the coming again of the Christ into our presence – exactly what kind of preparation should we do? Christmas shopping and baking and decorating doesn’t seem to really fit the bill.
But what does?
Bev prepares an “Advent House” each year for the grandchildren. Each morning during Advent, they open a door and find a thought or an activity which helps them think a bit more about the gift of hope that Christmas brings.
I prod myself to be more thoughtful about the symbolism of Christmas – the meaning of the Advent candles, the significance of the wreath on the front door, the community we call our family.
And that fills me with a deep and visceral kind of knowledge that God is active in our bleeding world, and that I am called to be part of God’s action. God’s promise.
To live life as faithfully, creatively, openly as I can.
Which seems like so little. But it’s really everything.
There’s a bundle of great resources on the Wood Lake Books website, including “Seasons of the Spirit” curriculum – which has material for all ages in the church. A few moments poking around on that site could be very fruitful. Go to the website at:
www.woodlakebooks.com
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Rumors – Jim and I had hoped to have our shiny new Story Lectionary up and running in time for Advent 1. We are not ready.
We are now aiming for Lent 1, which happens in mid-February, but because some well-organized folks work well ahead in sermon preparation, the stuff has got to be there on the web in mid-January.
Will we be ready? No. We will probably start then, even though we can’t really be ready because this is something none of us have done before. You can’t anticipate a problem if you don’t know what the problem is going to be. And there will be surprises.
Over the weekend I was conversing with a long-time friend who works in theological academia. “The whole thing sounds pretty audacious to me,” said the friend. And of course, he was right. Also impudent, cheeky and arrogant.
Especially arrogant. Utterly arrogant. Shamelessly arrogant.
It’ll be that and worse if the whole thing flops. If it succeeds, it will be visionary, far-sighted, imaginative, courageous, etc. etc. Not knowing which, it’s hard to prepare for either.
Most likely, it will be somewhere in-between. 35% arrogant, 35% visionary, and the other 20% a mixture of all those other epithets. How do you prepare for that?
Nancy Reeves has written a book on spiritual discernment titled, “I’d Say Yes, God, If I Knew What You Wanted” (Northstone, 2001). Which is the problem exactly.
Advent is the time of getting ready, but getting ready for what? We’d get ready God, if we knew what you wanted!
Maybe not.
There’s the biblical legend which I suppose started with Moses, which says that if you see the face of God you will die. The whole reality of God is just way too much for a human to handle. It’s the same with God’s dream for us? If we suddenly saw the whole thing it would bring us down into a writhing ball of fear and insecurity. That’s why God lets us see ourselves just a little bit at a time.
Or maybe God’s dream for us is a little like my grandparent dream for my grandchildren. Whenever I’m with them, I see constant flashes of ability, charm, insight, creativity, and with each one there’s a voice inside of me that says, “Go with that, Zoë! Do that, Jake!” I don’t have – I wouldn’t want to have – plans for their lives. I simply pray they will unlock even a small part of the God-given potential within them.
So as of this moment (by the time you read this, it may well have changed) I think the getting ready for Christmas, getting ready for a new sense of God in our lives, is not about getting all your ducks in a row. It’s not about having our lives planned and organized.
It’s about unlocking the door from the inside. It’s about opening windows (not a great metaphor for Canada in winter), cleaning the goo from the lenses of your glasses, calling the friend you’ve been meaning to contact, signing up for course you’ve always wanted to take.
Preparing “the way of the Lord” is to “make straight in the desert” a way for us to become more of what God dreams for us. It means allowing impossible things to happen.
Preparing for Christmas is about opening up.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Pushing or Pulling?
I started this column a year ago, after Heidi Schlosser was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I couldn’t continue. I couldn’t write about a God who would bring a young woman into the world just so that she could die of cancer in her twenties.
I find it equally hard to believe in a God who willed the extermination of six million Jews in Germany. Or the destruction of the world’s oldest civilization in Iraq. Or the drowning of 200,000 people in the Indian Ocean.
But all those reactions depend on a presupposition that God, as Creator, works from the past. It treats God like a supernatural engineer who sets an infinitely complex machine in motion, knowing exactly how every tick will take place through all eternity.
The idea is called predestination. It’s been around a long time. Protestant reformer John Calvin refined it into a doctrine of the church – especially the Presbyterian Church – in the early 1500s. Predestination, in Calvin’s terms, meant that God decides in advance which individuals will get to heaven.
Double predestination means that God also decides in advance which ones will go to hell. Even before they’ve done anything wrong.
So why bother being good, if God determined my destiny before I was created? Why make the effort?
The answer is – are you ready for this? – that God gives you free-will to determine your own fate. But God already knows what you’ll choose.
Wow... some freedom!
Don’t assume this doctrine is universally believed in the Christian church. At least two great thinkers of the past, Pelagius and Abelard, insisted that each of us has individual responsibility. We shape our own fates, by what we think, say, and do.
They argued, in essence, that if God really gave us the freedom to make our own decisions, then God relinquished power to control the future. God has to wait and see what we choose to do, before knowing how the future might unfold.
Unfortunately, Pelagius and Abelard got outvoted by more influential theologians like Augustine and Aquinas.
In our scientific age, some factions of the Christian church expanded the idea of predestination into a belief that God must have pre-planned every leaf that falls in autumn, every rock that rolls down a hillside, every atom that vibrates...
And every cancer death...
I refuse to believe in that kind of God. I prefer to think of God calling us from the future, not pushing from the past.
Perhaps God is like a granny reaching with open arms towards a toddler. Or like sports fans, sending waves of energy to help a pole vaulter over the bar. Like me, whistling for my dog...
Granny doesn’t cause the child to stumble. It’s not the fans’ fault if the vaulter misses. And I can’t save my dog from burrs and brambles.
We lament when things go wrong; we rejoice when the one we encourage fulfills our hopes.
That kind of God, I can still believe in.
If you have comments or questions about Jim’s column, write to him directly at jimt@quixotic.ca. Jim also does another weekly column called “Sharp Edges” which is published in our daily newspaper. It has stronger political-social justice content. If you’d like to receive Sharp Edges, send Jim a note at the address above. Or go to Jim’s web page at: http://edges.canadahomepage.net/index.php . Click on Sharp Edges or Soft Edges or whatever else you might like to read.
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Good Stuff – This from Don Sandin.
The Zen of Joy
Once upon a time, there was a well-known and beloved Zen Master who was famous for being happy and full of the joy of life every single day. Absolutely nothing could make him lose his contentment.
When the time came for him to depart this world, he seemed as cheerful as ever, for not even the specter of death, which even rich and powerful people fear, could disturb him in the slightest. In his own inimitable way, with the same natural smile with which he always lovingly greeted his students, he announced that they should assemble in his bedroom and say their farewells.
As he lay on his deathbed, his devoted disciples gathered around him. One asked him the question that was on all of their minds.
“Master, before you go, can you please tell us, what has been the secret of your constant happiness?”
“It is very easy, really,” the Master replied. “Every morning, the moment my eyes open and I awake, I ask myself the same simple question: ‘Do you want to be happy or sad today?’ And every day, I answer, ‘I want to be happy today!’ And once I have made the choice, I simply stick to my word.”
And with that, he left this life with the same smile on his lips that he lived it with.
And not a single tear was shed in that chamber, for on the face of each of his devotees was an inheritance greater than the wealthiest Kings of old had ever bequeathed their kin: the smile of someone who has decided to be happy.
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From the folks who make Rumors possible – OK, so you’re tired of reading my self-serving plugs for my own books, most particularly “The Spirituality of Grandparenting.”
So instead I’ll put in a plug for the rest of the “Spirituality” series, all of which make really good Christmas gifts. There’s “Pets,” “Art,” “Bread,” “Wine,” “Mazes and Labyrinths.” And “Gardening.”
If the object of your affections isn’t interested in at least one of those, said object needs to go on a very long retreat to find a life.
No. Sorry. That’s much too harsh. You can make a life out of lots of things without touching any of those. Raising rare breeds of earthworms, for instance.
The thing about giving a book is this. You should read the book before you give it. Then you can say, “I gave you that book because. . .”
Go to this Wood Lake Publishing web address (www.woodlakebooks.com) for this and many other delightful and useful resources. Select “Search by Title, Author," at the top left column of the site. Or phone 1-800-663-2775.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Bob Lewis of Allentown, Pennsylvania saw this in a Sunday bulletin. "Remembering that we are broths and sisters in the Lord. . .”
Bob wonders if “a blooper like that has anything to do with eating one's words?”
Ray Grier of Port Townsend, Washington writes: “On the ‘email from readers’ page of a website discussing the ‘end times’ and the ‘rapture,’ one person wrote in asking how a loving God could let the true believers suffer the tribulation before they are taken to be with the Lord in the air. The answer, with one little typo came back: "Evidence from the Bible shows that the rapture will take place before the start of the tribulation, so, don't worry, when the tribulation starts, the true believers will have already been ruptured." (Ouch!)
Heidi Koschzeck “spotted this blooper on a web-page in reference to the Colossians passage for "Christ the King" Sunday:
"Paul takes off and sours to great heights of praise."
Heidi adds that they do that in their church choir sometimes too.
Hazel Peterson of Nipawin, Saskatchewan belongs to a very ambitious congregation. Recently they advertised an event at which there would be “knitting, quilting, car making and/or painting with skilled instructors.”
Ambitious, energetic folks – them there Saskatchwatchers.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – When you’re in deep water, the best thing to do is shut your mouth.
Author unknown via Evelyn McLachlan
Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
Jerry Garcia
If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living. Yiddish Proverb via Jim Taylor
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We Get Letters – Velia Watts of Edmonton, Alberta found this story in “The Hump Day Humor-Gram” published by Michael Kerr.
Busting Stereotypes by Busting a Gut
A Jewish rabbi and a Muslim lawyer/comedian have formed an "odd couple" comedy tour in hopes of breaking down some common stereotypes with the language of humor. Rabbi Bob Alper and Azhar Usman are succeeding in getting common laughs from some very mixed audiences.
Humor dealing with terrorism, racism, religion and even the 911 tragedy, is helping their audiences normalize and understand current events through a different lens. "When I sermonize, I hope I move people spiritually," says Rabbi Bob Alper, "but when I make them laugh, I know I move them spiritually."
This truly odd comedic couple is a great reminder of the power of humor to bridge cultures, unite people, and break down barriers with laughter. And as our workplaces become more diverse (both age-wise and culturally), healing, uniting, positive humor can play an increasingly important role.
Trevor Quinn of Regina, Saskatchewan raises a most important theological question. “If a rabbit is reincarnated, would that be a hare raising experience?”
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Ecclesiocide!”)
How to Kill Your Church,
from “Brethren Family Almanac,” 1897
1. Don’t come.
2. If you do come, come late.
3. Try to make lots of noise.
4. Don’t imagine the front seats were meant for you; people might think you conceited.
5. Come bound to find fault.
6. Don’t for the world ever think of praying for the church.
7. Don’t sing.
8. Don’t take any part in the service.
9. Don’t encourage the pastor, but tell the pastor’s faults to others.
10. Visit other churches half the time.
11. If somebody said a good thing and it helped you, don’t tell them, it might make them vain.
12. If you see strangers in the audience, make them as uncomfortable as possible.
13. Never speak of the meetings to anyone.
14. Don’t believe in missions.
15. Don’t give much to benevolence.
16. Let the pastor do all the work.
17. See that the pastor bears the cross alone and you go free.
18. Don’t take your denominational paper.
19. Don’t give your preacher anything.
20. Try to run the church.
21. If you think everything is harmonious, try to do something to engender all the strife you can.
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Bottom of the Barrel – Lost sheep get rescued in many ways.
A story is told of the great theologian and writer, William Barclay, when he was minister at a church in Glasgow. Barclay was deaf, and often didn’t hear comments, especially when the speaker was too far away for him to lip-read.
One Sunday, on the way out of church, a man came up and said, “Dr. Barclay, I want to thank you for saving my life.”
Barclay scratched his head. He couldn’t remember ever seeing the man before. “I’m sorry,” said Barclay, “but I don’t remember.”
“About a year ago, one evening, at dusk, I was sitting on the steps of the church feeling desperately dejected about my life. I called to you as you walked out of the church and I said, ‘Life is terrible. I’m going to throw myself into the river and drown myself.’ You waved to me very cheerily and said, ‘Well, the best of luck to you.’
That comment brought me back to reality, and today, life is good.”
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Preaching Materials for November 25, 207
R U M O R S #476
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2007-11-18
November 18th, 2007
THE GIFT OF FORGETFULNESS
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I will post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there.
Thanks.
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Next Week’s Readings – the way we read and tell the story
Rumors – the gift of forgetfulness
Soft Edges – human nature
Good Stuff – after-dark walkers
Bloopers – the missing finger
We Get Letters – the worst sentence ever uttered
Mirabile Dictu! – cardboard congregation
Bottom of the Barrel – good news, bad news
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – The Bible Study Group leader was explaining the rich legacy of the Hebrew tradition.
“Because of Moses, you have Saturday off,” she explained. “Because of Jesus, you have Sunday off.”
“Yeah,” said one of the participants. “Five more good Jewish boys like that and we’d never have to work.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you will probably hear in church this coming Sunday, November 24th, if you are using the Revised Common Lectionary. It is also observed as the Reign of Christ or Christ the King Sunday.
Yikes! That means the Sunday after that is Advent 1!
Jeremiah 23:1-6 – It’s helpful to know that the prophet Jeremiah was writing about his own people in his own time. It’s about Israel’s scattered flock and the hope that they’d be all gathered together and would live in peace under another king like the great David.
It’s interesting that Jeremiah accused the politicians of his day of being responsible for the mess they were in. And of course we now do the same thing.
One of the favorite little games us old fogies enjoy is called, “Ain’t It Awful?” The winner of this game if never announced but it is always understood. It’s the person who can attribute the most heinous action to the highest level politician. Or church leader. Or organizational leader. Whatever.
The game of “Ain’t It Awful” is usually followed by a round or two of the game called, “If Only.” This is when we prescribe the solutions to the world’s problems – solutions that never fail because they are never tried. If only those folks in high office would ask me, I could tell them exactly how to deal with this mess.
What is never mentioned, or at least would be hotly denied, is that we get exactly the kind of leaders we deserve.
Luke 1:68-79 (Zachariah’s prophecy) is the poetic reading for this Sunday. Jim Taylor does not have a paraphrase of this, but he does provide a paraphrase of Psalm 46, which is the alternate reading.
1 Wars and rumors of wars swirl around us;
corporate strife and struggle engulf us.
Only God stands firm in these shifting sands.
God is our shelter from them;
God gives us strength to go out into the stresses of each day.
2 We have nothing to fear.
Though the social order is shaken,
though our leaders come crashing down,
3 Though long-honored standards fly at half-mast
and the values we inherited are scorned–
even then, we have nothing to fear.
4 The comforting presence of God pours over us
like cool water on a burning beach;
it makes us glad.
5 God is with us;
God is an oasis of peace upon a darkened plain
6 where ignorant armies clash by night.
The ambitious leap over each other;
The emperor stands naked in the cold clear light of innocence.
They are frozen in their folly.
7 But God is with us;
God is our sanctuary.
8 See how wonderfully the Lord works!
Those who would beat others have beaten themselves;
9 Those obsessed with winning wind up as losers;
Those who think only of themselves find that no one thinks of them at all.
All their struggles add up to nothing.
10 This is God's word to the warring: "Be still!
Be still, and know that I – and only I – am God!"
11 In the tumult of the nations,
in the torment of the earth,
God is with us.
God is our sanctuary.
Thanks be to God.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Colossians 1:11-20 – The thing we should not do is take these words and examine them to see what Paul “means” by them. That’s because most of this passage is not a theological statement but a hymn – a poem – and as such is not directed at our rational selves but to our poetic, imaginative selves. An attempt at a rational analysis of such a poem will simply bog us down in a semantic argument.
It would have been helpful if the folks doing the NRSV had lined out the phrases so it would also look like a poem. And actually, that’s a really good thing to do for the lector. Because if the lector reads this as if it were some kind of “report” the whole thing will simply dry up and die.
Hymns and poems are meant to be absorbed more than understood. We let the words flow over us, so we can feel the power of the images penetrate our bones and viscera.
Luke 23:33-43 – Human memory is not very reliable. And it’s not likely the disciples were taking notes during the time of Jesus crucifixion. As they talked about that experience in the early church, as they reflected on who Jesus was and what he meant to them, the difference between what actually did happen and what memory and imagination says must have happened, became blurred.
It’s hard to imagine a conversation going on between three men on crosses, all of whom are in excruciating pain. And biblical scholars say that the phrase, “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do,” was added later. But that doesn’t mean we chuck out the whole passage because it may not be historically reliable.
The Jesus of history as experienced by the disciples and the early church, slowly melded into the cosmic Christ. Our experience of the living Christ among us changes the way we read and tell the story of the historical Jesus. But the power of God’s forgiveness shines through, regardless of how we read the story.
There’s a bundle of great resources on the Wood Lake Books website, including “Seasons of the Spirit” curriculum – which has material for all ages in the church. A few moments poking around on that site could be very fruitful. Just go to the Wood Lake website.
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Rumors – When you were a child, did you read Kenneth Grahame’s wonderful story, “Wind in the Willows?” It’s a great book to go back and read as an adult, because all sorts of new things pop out at you.
Jim Taylor reflects on his reading of that fine book in “An Everyday God.”*
“In the chapter called, ‘The Piper at the Gates,’ Mole and Rat go searching for a missing Otter child. During that still hush just before dawn, they are led by a strange liquid music to an island. There, they find the lost Otter child, lying at the feet of a magnificent being, the great god Pan of the animal kingdom.
“Then suddenly Mole felt a great awe fall upon him, an awe that turned his muscles to water, bowed his head, and rooted his feet to the ground.
“’Rat!’ he found breath to whisper. ‘Are you afraid?’
“’Afraid?’ murmured the Rat, his eyes shining. ‘Of him? Oh never! And yet – and yet – O, Mole, I am afraid!’
“Sudden and magnificent, the sun’s broad golden disc showed itself over the horizon; the first rays took the animals full in the eyes and dazzled them. When they were able to look once more, the Vision had vanished, and the air was full of the carol of birds that hailed the dawn.
“And as quickly as it had come, the vision of the great animal god Pan vanished.”
A little later, Kenneth Grahame writes:
“For this is the last best gift that the kindly demi-god is careful to bestow – the gift of forgetfulness lest the awesome remembrance should remain and grow, and the great haunting memory should over-shadow all the afterlives of little animals.”
And indeed it is true, if Moses or you or I should see the face of God, we would not become inspired prophets. We would go mad. For no human can hold the awesomeness of God.
And yet. And yet, sometimes for just a moment, we see it.
The Westbank United Church where Bev (my spouse) was the minister, was having a congregational camp on the shores of Lake Okanagan. In the evening, when all the dumb songs had been sung around the campfire, and the nine-year-old boys had done the traditional really awful skits, a kind of a hush came over the campsite, and the various children began to snuggle into the laps and arms of parents and family.
Young Darin needed a lap to sit on. There was no father in Darin’s family, and a younger sibling already occupied his mother’s lap. I asked Darin if my lap would do, and he said yes, and I was grateful to him. Aging men badly need children to sit on their laps.
On the other side of the lake, an electrical storm developed. There was no rain in the storm, and so we watched the roiling black clouds and the snap of lightning that detonated across the valley. Each time the lightning flashed, for just an instant the entire valley was bright with light. And then it was gone.
We could see it all for just an instant. But there was too much beauty – to much magnificence for our memories to hold.
Then a shattering streak of lighting lit up Darin’s face. And his face was an even greater revelation than our broad, bright valley. In Darin’s face I saw a look of wonder, of awe, of hope. Darin’s face seemed to me, just for an instant, to be the face of God, or an angel, or the Cosmic Christ.
And then it was gone.
I remember the feeling. But I can’t describe the face. But now, when I hear words like “hope” and “holy” and “awe”, for just a moment, I see that child’s face lit by the lightning.
I can’t find words to explain to you what it means to worship God, but I can tell you I have seen the holy face of a worshipping child, and I shall always hold that treasure in my heart.
Each of us is given those moments, those numinous events where just for a split second, everything makes sense. For that moment, we see the loving face of the living God – who also gives the gift of forgetfulness, lest that holy vision destroy our lives.
* “An Everyday God” is available through bookstores, and on the Wood Lake Publications website, which you can find at: www.woodlakebooks.com .
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Human Nature
I had an interesting exposure to human nature recently.
It started with a 1982 Jaguar XJ6 sedan. I bought it in 1998, and spent about $14,000 on restoration.
But that wasn’t enough. Rust started to bubble under my lovely new paintwork; the leather upholstery was cracking and splitting; electrical gimmicks were dying...
And I knew I wouldn’t spend the additional money the car needed, because two years ago I got seduced by a slightly newer Jaguar.
For most of a year I advertised the older car without success. I lowered my price progressively from $10,000 to $3,000.
Only two people inquired. Neither bought.
I concluded that the car was doing no one any good rusting away in my driveway.
So I offered to give it away free to a good home.
I got deluged with calls. My answering machine overloaded. In the first two days, I responded to over 70 calls.
I told callers – at least in the beginning – that I would decide within two days, and would let them know.
In hindsight, the applicants fell into three groups:
* those who really cared about the car itself, and hoped to make it once more a thing of a beauty and a joy to drive.
* those who needed a car (for a variety of heart-tugging reasons) and didn’t care what it was, as long as it didn’t cost them.
* those who thought they were entitled to this car because I had offered to give it away.
Almost without exception, the first group thanked me for calling back. They regretting not getting the car themselves, but they were glad it had gone to someone with a proven record of restoring cars.
The second group rarely said thanks. Most, I suspect, wondered why I bothered calling them back if they didn’t get the car.
The third group – fortunately few – responded with abuse. I had taken away something that they already was theirs. I was told that my offer was a cruel hoax, that I didn’t play fair, that I had lied...
My wife came home from a trip in the middle of all this. The first call she answered let fly with such a string of foul language that she refused to pick up the phone for the rest of the day.
Perhaps I should have anticipated those three responses. They’re characteristic of humans in general.
For some, the cause, the goal, the purpose, matters. They’re willing to make sacrifices to further that cause. They’re the ones who make a difference.
Others see life only for what they can get out of it. They’re not dangerous, but neither are they helpful in building a better world.
And a few believe the world owes them a living. They’re entitled to whatever they want. They become the criminal element – whether professional crooks or amateur troublemakers – in any society.
Fortunately for all of us, they’re a small minority – if my experience in getting rid of a car is any guide.
If you have comments or questions about Jim’s column, write to him directly at jimt@quixotic.ca. Jim also does another weekly column called “Sharp Edges” which is published in our daily newspaper. It has a stronger political-social justice content. If you’d like to receive Sharp Edges, send Jim a note at the address above. Or go to Jim’s web page at: http://edges.canadahomepage.net/index.php . Click on Sharp Edges or Soft Edges or whatever else you might like to read.
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Good Stuff – This short but powerful piece is by Tom Ehrich. It comes to us via Mary in Oman.
“Faith . . . accepts random chance as our context and God as our hope in the wilderness. We don't control God through our rituals; we can only accept God's manna and God's mercy. We can't control tomorrow, but can only live today as faithfully as possible. We can't prevent pain, loss or death, but can seek a oneness with God and our fellow after-dark walkers.”
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From the folks who make Rumors possible – It looks like we may have a “best seller” on our hands. Who decides what is a “best seller”? Well, “The Spirituality of Grandparenting” is certainly the best seller I’ve had in awhile, though “The Family Story Bible” and the “Lectionary Story Bible” are still moving along quite smartly, thank you.
Partly it’s the Christmas season. (You thought maybe it was an accident that Wood Lake Publications released a Grandparenting book at this time of year?) And “The Spirituality of Grandparenting” is a great Christmas gift, even if I have to say so myself. So are all the books in that “Spirituality” series. And so is “The Family Story Bible.” The “Lectionary Story Bible” is more for teachers and preachers.
So go to your favorite bookstore. Look for those books. If they are not on the shelf go and order the book. That’s how small publishers and relatively unknown authors get on the shelves of bookstores, especially the big box bookstores.
Or, go to this Wood Lake Publishing web address (www.woodlakebooks.com) for this and many other delightful and useful resources. Select “Search by Title, Author," at the top left column of the site. Or phone 1-800-663-2775.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Dan Wilkie tells this one on himself. “Recently, I did a wedding, and as I was doing the ring exchange, I asked the bride to ‘put the finger on the groom’s hand.’ People came up to me later and asked if the groom ever got his finger back. He is a roper and steer wrestler, so this might have been a truly appropriate question.”
From the file:
* The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 PM. Please use the back door.
* The men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – A journey of a thousand miles begins with someone saying, "I know a shortcut!"
source unknown via Velia Watts
Abundance is not something we acquire. It is something we tune into.
Wayne Dyer also via Velia
The road to wisdom? Well it's plain and simple to express: To err, and err, and err again. But less, and less, and less.
Piet Hein
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We Get Letters – Susan Fiore, AOJN, writes: “Here's my submission for the worst sentence ever uttered in English. I heard it during a television interview with a professional football player. He was asked what he thought about his team's chances of winning the Super Bowl. His answer: ‘Well, you know, you never know, you know’?"
“That was even worse than the golf pro who, when I asked why the number 3 "wood" was made of metal instead of wood, replied; "It gives you more loft than a wood wood would.’"
Trev Quinn of Regina, Saskatchewan is obviously a serious student of canineological nomenclature. He writes: “That the lady who named her dog Moreover did so because he was the second of a pair of twin pups. The first-born was Rover.
Patricia Magdamo reports: “It's so dry in Georgia that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling. The Methodists are using wet-wipes. The Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Episcopalians, Catholics, and Lutherans are praying for the wine to turn back into water.”
Rev. Jenni Walker-Noyes of Ackley, Iowa says “Rumors” is “more enjoyable than Sunday night football!” And I would like to know if that is a compliment or an insult.
Jenni includes a contribution to the bad pun and tired cliché contest:
“It was a dark and stormy Saturday night and the preacher, sitting without a hip pocket sermon at her beck and call, stared at the candle on the mantle, without a flicker of hope.
“She was out of options and out of time. She’d spent the week working with folks who were as dense as a London fog. And to top it all off, all the time for working on her sermon earlier in the week had flown right out the window.
“She knew that Rome wasn’t built in a day but this sermon should be a slam dunk no brainer! She’d polished off hundreds of sermons in record time but this time, she was ready to pop a vein.
“She turned to her cat and said, ‘Stick a fork in me. I’m done! It’s time to kick the bucket and fish or cut bait on this last ditch effort. Keep your fingers crossed, Fluffy. God willing (and the creek don’t rise), we’re having a hymn sing in the morning!”
Carl Chamberlain of Lockport, New York has also done some research on the biblical naming of pets. “One elderly fellow named his very ugly cat. Theophillus. Because it was the ‘awefullest cat he'd ever seen’.”
I don’t know if this is an entry into our really, awfully, ugly language abuse contest, but Fred Brailey Orangeville, Ontario writes: “Pardon the awful pun, but I'd bite if someone offered me a life-time Time-Life subscription.”
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “cardboard congregation!”) This is from Victor Spencer of Harrismith, South Africa. It’s a letter from “Cardboard Fabrications Ltd.”
Dear Reverend.
We are sure that you have come across our extremely successful products already.
Among our lines are cardboard police cars to discourage speeding and cardboard policemen to deter shoplifters. As well as other standard lines.
Following on the success of these, we are pleased to announce that we can now supply cardboard clergy.
The cardboard minister is invaluable to hard-pressed clergy who need a holiday. It is life sized and comes in progressive, middle of the road and Tridentine models. It is especially effective when stood behind the lectern.
Field trials have shown that when the cardboard clergy was installed without the congregation knowing. 40 per cent of those later questioned had noticed no difference. 25 per cent said there had been a considerable improvement.
Soon we hope to have available a cardboard Bishop which can be placed in the Diocese while the real Bishop is away in Canterbury. Trial models have been installed for some time in the Bishop's conference without being detected. One is even said to have made a short excellent speech related to its topic.
Work on the cardboard Dean has unfortunately been abandoned. Market research demonstrated that since nobody actually wants the real thing, there would therefore not be much demand for the cardboard substitute.
However, our cardboard congregation is now on the market and selling well. Its response to homilies is indistinguishable from the real thing and it has the positive advantage that when volunteers are called for nobody makes a dash for the door. In some churches there has even been a marked improvement in the singing.
Yours faithfully
C. Board
Marketing Director.
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Bottom of the Barrel – Moses is sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things are bad. The Pharaoh won’t even talk to him, the rest of the Hebrews are mad at him for making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He’s about ready to give up.
Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice speaks from above: “Moses! Listen to me. This is God. I have good news and bad news.”
Moses is staggered. The voice continues:
“Moses, you will lead your people to freedom. If Pharaoh doesn’t release you, I will smite Egypt with frogs, and with locusts, and rivers running with blood.”
Moses is stunned. He stammers, “That’s … that’s fantastic, I can’t believe it! But what’s the bad news?”
“You, Moses, must write the environmental impact report.”
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2007-11-18
November 18th, 2007
THE GIFT OF FORGETFULNESS
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
I will post each issue of Rumors on that blog so that you can access it any time. And if an issue of Rumors goes missing, you can go and find it there.
Thanks.
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Next Week’s Readings – the way we read and tell the story
Rumors – the gift of forgetfulness
Soft Edges – human nature
Good Stuff – after-dark walkers
Bloopers – the missing finger
We Get Letters – the worst sentence ever uttered
Mirabile Dictu! – cardboard congregation
Bottom of the Barrel – good news, bad news
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – The Bible Study Group leader was explaining the rich legacy of the Hebrew tradition.
“Because of Moses, you have Saturday off,” she explained. “Because of Jesus, you have Sunday off.”
“Yeah,” said one of the participants. “Five more good Jewish boys like that and we’d never have to work.”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you will probably hear in church this coming Sunday, November 24th, if you are using the Revised Common Lectionary. It is also observed as the Reign of Christ or Christ the King Sunday.
Yikes! That means the Sunday after that is Advent 1!
Jeremiah 23:1-6 – It’s helpful to know that the prophet Jeremiah was writing about his own people in his own time. It’s about Israel’s scattered flock and the hope that they’d be all gathered together and would live in peace under another king like the great David.
It’s interesting that Jeremiah accused the politicians of his day of being responsible for the mess they were in. And of course we now do the same thing.
One of the favorite little games us old fogies enjoy is called, “Ain’t It Awful?” The winner of this game if never announced but it is always understood. It’s the person who can attribute the most heinous action to the highest level politician. Or church leader. Or organizational leader. Whatever.
The game of “Ain’t It Awful” is usually followed by a round or two of the game called, “If Only.” This is when we prescribe the solutions to the world’s problems – solutions that never fail because they are never tried. If only those folks in high office would ask me, I could tell them exactly how to deal with this mess.
What is never mentioned, or at least would be hotly denied, is that we get exactly the kind of leaders we deserve.
Luke 1:68-79 (Zachariah’s prophecy) is the poetic reading for this Sunday. Jim Taylor does not have a paraphrase of this, but he does provide a paraphrase of Psalm 46, which is the alternate reading.
1 Wars and rumors of wars swirl around us;
corporate strife and struggle engulf us.
Only God stands firm in these shifting sands.
God is our shelter from them;
God gives us strength to go out into the stresses of each day.
2 We have nothing to fear.
Though the social order is shaken,
though our leaders come crashing down,
3 Though long-honored standards fly at half-mast
and the values we inherited are scorned–
even then, we have nothing to fear.
4 The comforting presence of God pours over us
like cool water on a burning beach;
it makes us glad.
5 God is with us;
God is an oasis of peace upon a darkened plain
6 where ignorant armies clash by night.
The ambitious leap over each other;
The emperor stands naked in the cold clear light of innocence.
They are frozen in their folly.
7 But God is with us;
God is our sanctuary.
8 See how wonderfully the Lord works!
Those who would beat others have beaten themselves;
9 Those obsessed with winning wind up as losers;
Those who think only of themselves find that no one thinks of them at all.
All their struggles add up to nothing.
10 This is God's word to the warring: "Be still!
Be still, and know that I – and only I – am God!"
11 In the tumult of the nations,
in the torment of the earth,
God is with us.
God is our sanctuary.
Thanks be to God.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Colossians 1:11-20 – The thing we should not do is take these words and examine them to see what Paul “means” by them. That’s because most of this passage is not a theological statement but a hymn – a poem – and as such is not directed at our rational selves but to our poetic, imaginative selves. An attempt at a rational analysis of such a poem will simply bog us down in a semantic argument.
It would have been helpful if the folks doing the NRSV had lined out the phrases so it would also look like a poem. And actually, that’s a really good thing to do for the lector. Because if the lector reads this as if it were some kind of “report” the whole thing will simply dry up and die.
Hymns and poems are meant to be absorbed more than understood. We let the words flow over us, so we can feel the power of the images penetrate our bones and viscera.
Luke 23:33-43 – Human memory is not very reliable. And it’s not likely the disciples were taking notes during the time of Jesus crucifixion. As they talked about that experience in the early church, as they reflected on who Jesus was and what he meant to them, the difference between what actually did happen and what memory and imagination says must have happened, became blurred.
It’s hard to imagine a conversation going on between three men on crosses, all of whom are in excruciating pain. And biblical scholars say that the phrase, “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do,” was added later. But that doesn’t mean we chuck out the whole passage because it may not be historically reliable.
The Jesus of history as experienced by the disciples and the early church, slowly melded into the cosmic Christ. Our experience of the living Christ among us changes the way we read and tell the story of the historical Jesus. But the power of God’s forgiveness shines through, regardless of how we read the story.
There’s a bundle of great resources on the Wood Lake Books website, including “Seasons of the Spirit” curriculum – which has material for all ages in the church. A few moments poking around on that site could be very fruitful. Just go to the Wood Lake website.
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Rumors – When you were a child, did you read Kenneth Grahame’s wonderful story, “Wind in the Willows?” It’s a great book to go back and read as an adult, because all sorts of new things pop out at you.
Jim Taylor reflects on his reading of that fine book in “An Everyday God.”*
“In the chapter called, ‘The Piper at the Gates,’ Mole and Rat go searching for a missing Otter child. During that still hush just before dawn, they are led by a strange liquid music to an island. There, they find the lost Otter child, lying at the feet of a magnificent being, the great god Pan of the animal kingdom.
“Then suddenly Mole felt a great awe fall upon him, an awe that turned his muscles to water, bowed his head, and rooted his feet to the ground.
“’Rat!’ he found breath to whisper. ‘Are you afraid?’
“’Afraid?’ murmured the Rat, his eyes shining. ‘Of him? Oh never! And yet – and yet – O, Mole, I am afraid!’
“Sudden and magnificent, the sun’s broad golden disc showed itself over the horizon; the first rays took the animals full in the eyes and dazzled them. When they were able to look once more, the Vision had vanished, and the air was full of the carol of birds that hailed the dawn.
“And as quickly as it had come, the vision of the great animal god Pan vanished.”
A little later, Kenneth Grahame writes:
“For this is the last best gift that the kindly demi-god is careful to bestow – the gift of forgetfulness lest the awesome remembrance should remain and grow, and the great haunting memory should over-shadow all the afterlives of little animals.”
And indeed it is true, if Moses or you or I should see the face of God, we would not become inspired prophets. We would go mad. For no human can hold the awesomeness of God.
And yet. And yet, sometimes for just a moment, we see it.
The Westbank United Church where Bev (my spouse) was the minister, was having a congregational camp on the shores of Lake Okanagan. In the evening, when all the dumb songs had been sung around the campfire, and the nine-year-old boys had done the traditional really awful skits, a kind of a hush came over the campsite, and the various children began to snuggle into the laps and arms of parents and family.
Young Darin needed a lap to sit on. There was no father in Darin’s family, and a younger sibling already occupied his mother’s lap. I asked Darin if my lap would do, and he said yes, and I was grateful to him. Aging men badly need children to sit on their laps.
On the other side of the lake, an electrical storm developed. There was no rain in the storm, and so we watched the roiling black clouds and the snap of lightning that detonated across the valley. Each time the lightning flashed, for just an instant the entire valley was bright with light. And then it was gone.
We could see it all for just an instant. But there was too much beauty – to much magnificence for our memories to hold.
Then a shattering streak of lighting lit up Darin’s face. And his face was an even greater revelation than our broad, bright valley. In Darin’s face I saw a look of wonder, of awe, of hope. Darin’s face seemed to me, just for an instant, to be the face of God, or an angel, or the Cosmic Christ.
And then it was gone.
I remember the feeling. But I can’t describe the face. But now, when I hear words like “hope” and “holy” and “awe”, for just a moment, I see that child’s face lit by the lightning.
I can’t find words to explain to you what it means to worship God, but I can tell you I have seen the holy face of a worshipping child, and I shall always hold that treasure in my heart.
Each of us is given those moments, those numinous events where just for a split second, everything makes sense. For that moment, we see the loving face of the living God – who also gives the gift of forgetfulness, lest that holy vision destroy our lives.
* “An Everyday God” is available through bookstores, and on the Wood Lake Publications website, which you can find at: www.woodlakebooks.com .
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Human Nature
I had an interesting exposure to human nature recently.
It started with a 1982 Jaguar XJ6 sedan. I bought it in 1998, and spent about $14,000 on restoration.
But that wasn’t enough. Rust started to bubble under my lovely new paintwork; the leather upholstery was cracking and splitting; electrical gimmicks were dying...
And I knew I wouldn’t spend the additional money the car needed, because two years ago I got seduced by a slightly newer Jaguar.
For most of a year I advertised the older car without success. I lowered my price progressively from $10,000 to $3,000.
Only two people inquired. Neither bought.
I concluded that the car was doing no one any good rusting away in my driveway.
So I offered to give it away free to a good home.
I got deluged with calls. My answering machine overloaded. In the first two days, I responded to over 70 calls.
I told callers – at least in the beginning – that I would decide within two days, and would let them know.
In hindsight, the applicants fell into three groups:
* those who really cared about the car itself, and hoped to make it once more a thing of a beauty and a joy to drive.
* those who needed a car (for a variety of heart-tugging reasons) and didn’t care what it was, as long as it didn’t cost them.
* those who thought they were entitled to this car because I had offered to give it away.
Almost without exception, the first group thanked me for calling back. They regretting not getting the car themselves, but they were glad it had gone to someone with a proven record of restoring cars.
The second group rarely said thanks. Most, I suspect, wondered why I bothered calling them back if they didn’t get the car.
The third group – fortunately few – responded with abuse. I had taken away something that they already was theirs. I was told that my offer was a cruel hoax, that I didn’t play fair, that I had lied...
My wife came home from a trip in the middle of all this. The first call she answered let fly with such a string of foul language that she refused to pick up the phone for the rest of the day.
Perhaps I should have anticipated those three responses. They’re characteristic of humans in general.
For some, the cause, the goal, the purpose, matters. They’re willing to make sacrifices to further that cause. They’re the ones who make a difference.
Others see life only for what they can get out of it. They’re not dangerous, but neither are they helpful in building a better world.
And a few believe the world owes them a living. They’re entitled to whatever they want. They become the criminal element – whether professional crooks or amateur troublemakers – in any society.
Fortunately for all of us, they’re a small minority – if my experience in getting rid of a car is any guide.
If you have comments or questions about Jim’s column, write to him directly at jimt@quixotic.ca. Jim also does another weekly column called “Sharp Edges” which is published in our daily newspaper. It has a stronger political-social justice content. If you’d like to receive Sharp Edges, send Jim a note at the address above. Or go to Jim’s web page at: http://edges.canadahomepage.net/index.php . Click on Sharp Edges or Soft Edges or whatever else you might like to read.
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Good Stuff – This short but powerful piece is by Tom Ehrich. It comes to us via Mary in Oman.
“Faith . . . accepts random chance as our context and God as our hope in the wilderness. We don't control God through our rituals; we can only accept God's manna and God's mercy. We can't control tomorrow, but can only live today as faithfully as possible. We can't prevent pain, loss or death, but can seek a oneness with God and our fellow after-dark walkers.”
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From the folks who make Rumors possible – It looks like we may have a “best seller” on our hands. Who decides what is a “best seller”? Well, “The Spirituality of Grandparenting” is certainly the best seller I’ve had in awhile, though “The Family Story Bible” and the “Lectionary Story Bible” are still moving along quite smartly, thank you.
Partly it’s the Christmas season. (You thought maybe it was an accident that Wood Lake Publications released a Grandparenting book at this time of year?) And “The Spirituality of Grandparenting” is a great Christmas gift, even if I have to say so myself. So are all the books in that “Spirituality” series. And so is “The Family Story Bible.” The “Lectionary Story Bible” is more for teachers and preachers.
So go to your favorite bookstore. Look for those books. If they are not on the shelf go and order the book. That’s how small publishers and relatively unknown authors get on the shelves of bookstores, especially the big box bookstores.
Or, go to this Wood Lake Publishing web address (www.woodlakebooks.com) for this and many other delightful and useful resources. Select “Search by Title, Author," at the top left column of the site. Or phone 1-800-663-2775.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – Dan Wilkie tells this one on himself. “Recently, I did a wedding, and as I was doing the ring exchange, I asked the bride to ‘put the finger on the groom’s hand.’ People came up to me later and asked if the groom ever got his finger back. He is a roper and steer wrestler, so this might have been a truly appropriate question.”
From the file:
* The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 PM. Please use the back door.
* The men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – A journey of a thousand miles begins with someone saying, "I know a shortcut!"
source unknown via Velia Watts
Abundance is not something we acquire. It is something we tune into.
Wayne Dyer also via Velia
The road to wisdom? Well it's plain and simple to express: To err, and err, and err again. But less, and less, and less.
Piet Hein
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We Get Letters – Susan Fiore, AOJN, writes: “Here's my submission for the worst sentence ever uttered in English. I heard it during a television interview with a professional football player. He was asked what he thought about his team's chances of winning the Super Bowl. His answer: ‘Well, you know, you never know, you know’?"
“That was even worse than the golf pro who, when I asked why the number 3 "wood" was made of metal instead of wood, replied; "It gives you more loft than a wood wood would.’"
Trev Quinn of Regina, Saskatchewan is obviously a serious student of canineological nomenclature. He writes: “That the lady who named her dog Moreover did so because he was the second of a pair of twin pups. The first-born was Rover.
Patricia Magdamo reports: “It's so dry in Georgia that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling. The Methodists are using wet-wipes. The Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Episcopalians, Catholics, and Lutherans are praying for the wine to turn back into water.”
Rev. Jenni Walker-Noyes of Ackley, Iowa says “Rumors” is “more enjoyable than Sunday night football!” And I would like to know if that is a compliment or an insult.
Jenni includes a contribution to the bad pun and tired cliché contest:
“It was a dark and stormy Saturday night and the preacher, sitting without a hip pocket sermon at her beck and call, stared at the candle on the mantle, without a flicker of hope.
“She was out of options and out of time. She’d spent the week working with folks who were as dense as a London fog. And to top it all off, all the time for working on her sermon earlier in the week had flown right out the window.
“She knew that Rome wasn’t built in a day but this sermon should be a slam dunk no brainer! She’d polished off hundreds of sermons in record time but this time, she was ready to pop a vein.
“She turned to her cat and said, ‘Stick a fork in me. I’m done! It’s time to kick the bucket and fish or cut bait on this last ditch effort. Keep your fingers crossed, Fluffy. God willing (and the creek don’t rise), we’re having a hymn sing in the morning!”
Carl Chamberlain of Lockport, New York has also done some research on the biblical naming of pets. “One elderly fellow named his very ugly cat. Theophillus. Because it was the ‘awefullest cat he'd ever seen’.”
I don’t know if this is an entry into our really, awfully, ugly language abuse contest, but Fred Brailey Orangeville, Ontario writes: “Pardon the awful pun, but I'd bite if someone offered me a life-time Time-Life subscription.”
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “cardboard congregation!”) This is from Victor Spencer of Harrismith, South Africa. It’s a letter from “Cardboard Fabrications Ltd.”
Dear Reverend.
We are sure that you have come across our extremely successful products already.
Among our lines are cardboard police cars to discourage speeding and cardboard policemen to deter shoplifters. As well as other standard lines.
Following on the success of these, we are pleased to announce that we can now supply cardboard clergy.
The cardboard minister is invaluable to hard-pressed clergy who need a holiday. It is life sized and comes in progressive, middle of the road and Tridentine models. It is especially effective when stood behind the lectern.
Field trials have shown that when the cardboard clergy was installed without the congregation knowing. 40 per cent of those later questioned had noticed no difference. 25 per cent said there had been a considerable improvement.
Soon we hope to have available a cardboard Bishop which can be placed in the Diocese while the real Bishop is away in Canterbury. Trial models have been installed for some time in the Bishop's conference without being detected. One is even said to have made a short excellent speech related to its topic.
Work on the cardboard Dean has unfortunately been abandoned. Market research demonstrated that since nobody actually wants the real thing, there would therefore not be much demand for the cardboard substitute.
However, our cardboard congregation is now on the market and selling well. Its response to homilies is indistinguishable from the real thing and it has the positive advantage that when volunteers are called for nobody makes a dash for the door. In some churches there has even been a marked improvement in the singing.
Yours faithfully
C. Board
Marketing Director.
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Bottom of the Barrel – Moses is sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things are bad. The Pharaoh won’t even talk to him, the rest of the Hebrews are mad at him for making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He’s about ready to give up.
Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice speaks from above: “Moses! Listen to me. This is God. I have good news and bad news.”
Moses is staggered. The voice continues:
“Moses, you will lead your people to freedom. If Pharaoh doesn’t release you, I will smite Egypt with frogs, and with locusts, and rivers running with blood.”
Moses is stunned. He stammers, “That’s … that’s fantastic, I can’t believe it! But what’s the bad news?”
“You, Moses, must write the environmental impact report.”
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Sermon Helps for Sunday, November 18th, 2007
R U M O R S # 475
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2007-11-11
November 11th, 2007
KEEP PLANTING POTATOES
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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A backup. Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
Then, when your issue doesn’t arrive for some reason, you can go read it there. And you won’t suffer those terrible withdrawal symptoms.
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Next Week’s Readings – a metaphor of God’s dream
Rumors – the last surviving optimist
Soft Edges – seeking the source of mystery
Good Stuff – instructions for life
Bloopers – awfully leaded wife
We Get Letters – in search of clichés
Mirabile Dictu! – miss steaks eye kin knot sea
Bottom of the Barrel – moreover the dog
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – This from Cliff and/or Maureen Bolt.
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and with small flags mounted on either side of it.
"Good morning, Alex," said the pastor.
“Good morning, said little Alex. Then pointing to the plaque: “What is this?”
"Well, son, it's a memorial plaque to all the young men and women who died in the Service."
Little Alex's voice was barely audible. "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?"
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you will probably hear in church this coming Sunday, November 18th, if you are using the Revised Common Lectionary. This Sunday is also observed as Bible Sunday in the US, the Children’s Sabbath, and Restorative Justice/Prisoner’s Sunday.
Isaiah 65:17-25 – It’s an old writer’s trick. At the end of an essay or story, you circle back and pick up a theme from the beginning. This writer of Isaiah, whether it was the first, second or 38th Isaiah, picks up a theme from the climax of the opening. Chapter 11. The First Isaiah has the magnificent vision (vs. 6-9) of the wolf and the lamb lying down together (even if the lamb doesn’t get much sleep). Just so nobody misses the point, the writer of chapter 65 quotes chapter 11 directly. “They shall not hurt or destroy on my holy mountain.” And John of Patmos picks up the theme in Revelation.
The metaphors of the “holy mountain” and the “new Jerusalem” had powerful meaning for folks in Bible days, but for me those visions are a magnificent metaphor of God’s dream for peace and justice in all creation.
Isaiah 12:2-6 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
2 God has rescued us from our arid deserts;
Nothing terrifies me any more.
I sing of the God who gives us living water.
3 From the deepest recesses of our souls,
celebration gushes forth,
4 It spills out across an anguished land,
As an awed people pour out praises.
5 Their voices rise, like water in the well:
"Glory to God, who creates springs of life
in the deserts of death."
6 So let praise pour out like the living water
from the well in our midst,
the well that is our God.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
2 Thessalonians 3:6-13 – This bit of preaching against free-loaders is fine, except that it over-simplifies. Yes, there are people who are just plain lazy, but there are also others who have invisible illnesses that don’t show on the surface. Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, fetal alcohol syndrome, assorted dementias and other afflictions show nothing on the surface. The sufferers are often seen as just plain lazy. And of course there are some who use those illnesses to do less than they could.
I had lunch with a friend and few days ago – a person who lives with virtually continuous pain – but who through courage and prayer lives an active, normal life. In fact, I’d known him for a long time before I was even aware that he suffered in this way.
So my response to Paul, in this instance, is to say that blanket statements are almost always wrong when applied to specific instances.
Luke 21:5-19 – I enjoy reading medieval European history – an interest I developed while researching the story of Julian of Norwich. That history, as well as more recent history, is littered with the heartbreak of people who have read this passage and became convinced that they were living in that time, and that the end was about to come. Which is exactly what the writer of Luke was quoting Jesus as saying.
Even now, there are fundamentalist Christians (Is that an oxymoron?) who are actively working to bring about the “end times.” They’d be delighted to hear of a few H-bombs going off somewhere.
And I really wonder if passages such as this have much value in the year 2007 – given that the writers had events of the first century in mind. Or are we required to squeeze a bit of contemporary relevance out of apocalyptic passages such as this one? if so, by whom? And why?
There’s a bundle of great resources on the Wood Lake Books website, including “Seasons of the Spirit” curriculum – which has material for all ages in the church. A few moments poking around on that site could be very fruitful. Go to the website at:
www.woodlakebooks.com
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Rumors – It seems to me there are two kinds of apocalyptists, and both of them show a singular lack of faith.
There’s the re-eyed preacher proclaiming the end of the world at 12 noon tomorrow (12:20 in Newfoundland). Such prophets have abundant texts and more signs and wonders to “prove” they are right. “I, and only I, know the truth!”
They preach a dramatic end. Great balls of fire and such. “We will sing out a ‘Te Deum’ when we see that ICBM and we’ll all go together when we go” (Tom Lehrer).
They forget that God tried that once with Noah and his family. It didn’t work. When it was all over, Noah got tanked, his kids messed up, and things were as bad after as they were before. It was a learning experience for God who decided that global genocide is not the solution. Try something new.
The other kind of apocalyptic prophet is at the other end of the political spectrum. This is the dry-eyed scientist. The world will end, “not with a bang, but a whimper” (T.S. Eliot) and we’ll all suffocate in our own toxic garbage. “I, and only I, know the truth!”
Their scriptures are scientific research all of which “proves” that unless we all jump on their particular ecological band-wagon the world will be a large cinder spinning helplessly out of control around the searing sun.
Both kinds of apocalyptic prophet have forgotten that there has been a long litany of such predictions. Does anyone remember the Club of Rome? Have we forgotten the predictions that flew around when 1999 became 2000? Jesus didn’t return in glory (at least not so anyone noticed) and the world-wide computer melt-down turned out to be the greatest non-event in history.
“Ralph is getting old and soft,” I hear you muttering. “He’s indulging in his favorite pastime, which is avoidance of anything unpleasant or that involves hard work.” All true.
But through the cynicism, yours and mine, there is a soft melody of truth we can hear filtering through all the cacophony. I hang onto the song sung by the writer of John’s gospel. “God so loved the world. . .” And I always hear it in my head set to Handel’s music. Yes, I am a sentimental old fool and probably the worlds last surviving optimist.
My own totally subjective rose-colored reading of events has persuaded me that God has not stopped loving you and me specifically and the whole world around us. God loves this beat-up old spaceship earth more than ever.
There’s the story of the old crone planting her spring potatoes when a grandchild comes rushing up after school. “Grandma,” yells the child. “They say the world is going to end. What should we do?”
“I should keep on planting my potatoes,” says the wise woman. “You should do your homework.”
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Seeking the Source of Mystery
Perhaps you’ve seen this paragraph before:
“Aoccdrnig to rseearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.”
The paragraph seems to have started around the Internet in 2003. No one knows where it originated – certainly not at Cambridge University. The research it’s based on seems to have started with a PhD student named Graham Rawlinson, in an unpublished thesis for the University of Nottingham in England, titled "The Significance of Letter Position in Word Recognition," way back in 1976.
Hoax or real, that one silly paragraph has sparked dozens of studies since.
Most of these studies have focused on the nature of language. The scrambling system works in English, because we don’t have many inflected word endings. It does not work as well in French or Spanish; it is almost impossible in Hebrew and Hungarian; it doesn’t work at all in Chinese.
Also, short words work better than long ones. Long words can be deciphered only if they’re scrambled as smaller clumps of letters.
But most of this research, it seems to me, misses the central point. We humans have a desperate need to make sense of things. It’s hardwired into us.
You were probably surprised to find that you could actually read most of the scrambled paragraph. What should be even more surprising is that you made the attempt.
I mean, why bother? There are enough bewildering things going on in the world without struggling to beat a bunch of anagrams into submission.
I think it’s the same reason that we go looking for light emitted 14 billion years ago by newly formed stars. Or probe the insides of atoms, unravel the double-helix of DNA, and try to understand how we understand.
It’s more than just a fascination with mystery. Because we’re not content until the mystery isn’t a mystery any more.
We don’t like things that simply don’t make sense.
And so, at various stages in our history, we devise theories, explanations, to explain the unexplainable. We try our theories out, to see how well they work.
In the past, those theories often invoked God – or gods, or fate, or supernatural beings – as a means of making sense of apparent nonsense.
When some of those theories later prove flawed, in science or in religion, we revise them to explain matters more accurately.
Which doesn’t mean it was wrong to invoke God. Because the real mystery isn’t in the explanations at all. The real mystery is why we care enough to wonder, why we so desperately want things to make meaning.
And that yearning, I believe, has a lot more to do with God than any explanation does.
If you have comments or questions about Jim’s column, write to him directly at jimt@quixotic.ca. Jim also does another weekly column called “Sharp Edges” which is published in our daily newspaper. It has a stronger political-social justice content. If you’d like to receive Sharp Edges, send Jim a note at the address above. Or go to Jim’s web page at: http://edges.canadahomepage.net/index.php . Click on Sharp Edges or Soft Edges or whatever else you might like to read.
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Good Stuff – “The Dalai Lama has been in the news recently,” writes Don Sandin. He was made an honorary citizen of Canada, and in his visit, the Prime Minister and others went out of their way to make it a high-profile event, specifically to put pressure on China to improve its human rights practices.
Don passes on these “Instructions for Life” from the Dalai Lama.
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R’s: Respect for self. Respect for others. Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
20. There is no other person on this planet exactly like you.
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From the folks who make Rumors possible – I’ve been to three events in the last couple of weeks where there was a bookseller with copies of “The Spirituality of Grandparenting.” In each case, I had a batch of extra copies in the trunk of my car in case the bookseller should run out. In all three instances, we sold out the booksellers stock and the copies in my car.
Which leaders to a warning. If you were thinking of “The Spirituality of Grandparenting” as a Christmas gift, order it now. There’s a real possibility of the entire first run being sold out before Christmas.
Go to this Wood Lake Publishing web address (www.woodlakebooks.com) for this and many other delightful and useful resources. Select “Search by Title, Author," at the top left column of the site. Or phone 1-800-663-2775.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – David Burt reports that at an All Saints’ Sunday service, the pastor made this plea. "Draw near with faith, and take this Holy Sacrament to your comfort, and make your mumble confession to almighty God." David is “pleased to say the congregation didn't mumble their confession, but spoke clearly, yet humbly.”
Stephani Keer writes about a man who was asked, in a wedding ceremony, if he would “take this woman as his awfully leaded wife,” which, says Stephani, is “both politically incorrect and a threat to the environment!”
Bill Medland of Kelowna, BC sounded the first “blooper alert.”
Then Wayne Blackwood of Salmon Cove, Newfoundland wrote to say I got his “Sunday off to a good start” with my commentary on Luke. Particularly profound was my observation that levirate marriage “served to protect the window who would otherwise starve to death."
Says Wayne, “I've never thought of a woman in the context of a window – there, but not really seen; someone I look through without actually seeing – someone who protects me from the elements without my always realizing it. I remembered my theology profs who tried so hard to get me to think theologically despite my best efforts. Thanks again for keeping me on track.”
David Aaseng of Circle, Montana writes: “I can see the danger of washing the windows of my house, or even worse, washing the insects off the windshield of my car. Until you pointed it out, I never realized that ‘It served to protect the window who would otherwise starve to death’. Thank you for the insight.”
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – A leader is best when people barely know the leader exists, when the leader's work is done, their aim fulfilled, the people will say: “We did it ourselves.”
Lao Tzu via Evelyn McLachlan
Culture is a slingshot moved by the force of its past.
Barbara Kingslover via Bob Warrick
It is only the love of the giver that atones for the insult of the gift.
African proverb via Clare Neufeld
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We Get Letters – Bonnie Dalzell writes: “My pastor likes to say that the Saducees didn’t believe in life after death, and that is why they were “sad you see.”
Stephani Keer sent me a web address for the Telegraph in the UK. They ran a contest asking readers to send in examples of the worst, cliché cluttered and trite prose they could find or imagine. An example. “To be honest with you, I'm pressurized 24/7. I'm literally in pieces. I surfed the net and sourced a top-dollar lifestyle guru, and he's working with my partner and I, prioritizing issues so that we can team up and address them – know what I mean?’
I don’t know if I should do this or not. I may find myself drowning in a slimy swamp of pious prose, but what if we ran a contest to see who could provide the best bad example of the way we desecrate our language. (Note: examples from Rumors or anything else wrote by me, not allowed!!!!) the winner will receive – ta da!! (cliché) a life-time subscription to Rumors. Second prize – the winner will be allowed to cancel their subscription to Rumors.
Nothing more than 25 words. I’m only human! (another cliché!)
Valerie Ellis responded to my comments about Gretzky scoring on the rebound to say that she knows of a church in Edmonton, Alberta “that had the big red neon sign on it that said ‘Jesus Saves.’ The Loblaws store across the street had a sign that said, ‘Loblaws saves you more’!”
Timothy Adams writes: “You quoted the old wheeze about a camel being a horse put together by a committee. I've always felt this libels camels.”
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “miss steaks eye kin knot sea!”) Robert Scott has an ambivalent relationship with the spell-checker on his computer. So do I. Robert sends this along “for those who live by the word and .............."
Note to US folks. You need to know that those who hold to the veddy veddy British tradition of “received” English, spell the word “check” as “cheque.” Presumably therefore, a “chequer” is someone who writes “checks.” “Chequer” also refers to the summer home of the British Prime Minister (I’ll bet you didn’t know that!).
Eye halve a spelling chequer,
It came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue,
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word,
And weight four it two say.
Weather eye am wrong oar write,
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid,
It nose bee fore two long.
And eye can put the error rite,
It’s rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it,
I am shore your pleased two no.
Its letter perfect awl the weigh,
My chequer tolled me sew.
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Bottom of the Barrel – A minister was visiting a family one afternoon and was surprised to learn that everyone in the household had a biblical name.
“Yes, sir,” said the lady of the house. “Even our dog has a name from the New Testament.”
This puzzled the minister. “I can’t think of any name for a dog in the New Testament.”
“Well,” replied the woman. “Do you know the story of the rich man and Lazarus?”
“Yes, of course,” answered the minister.
“Then you know it says that ‘moreover the dog came and licked his sores.’ So our dog’s name is Moreover.”
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2007-11-11
November 11th, 2007
KEEP PLANTING POTATOES
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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A backup. Please put this “blog” address on your “favorites” list. http://ralphmiltonsrumors.blogspot.com/
Then, when your issue doesn’t arrive for some reason, you can go read it there. And you won’t suffer those terrible withdrawal symptoms.
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Next Week’s Readings – a metaphor of God’s dream
Rumors – the last surviving optimist
Soft Edges – seeking the source of mystery
Good Stuff – instructions for life
Bloopers – awfully leaded wife
We Get Letters – in search of clichés
Mirabile Dictu! – miss steaks eye kin knot sea
Bottom of the Barrel – moreover the dog
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – This from Cliff and/or Maureen Bolt.
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and with small flags mounted on either side of it.
"Good morning, Alex," said the pastor.
“Good morning, said little Alex. Then pointing to the plaque: “What is this?”
"Well, son, it's a memorial plaque to all the young men and women who died in the Service."
Little Alex's voice was barely audible. "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?"
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you will probably hear in church this coming Sunday, November 18th, if you are using the Revised Common Lectionary. This Sunday is also observed as Bible Sunday in the US, the Children’s Sabbath, and Restorative Justice/Prisoner’s Sunday.
Isaiah 65:17-25 – It’s an old writer’s trick. At the end of an essay or story, you circle back and pick up a theme from the beginning. This writer of Isaiah, whether it was the first, second or 38th Isaiah, picks up a theme from the climax of the opening. Chapter 11. The First Isaiah has the magnificent vision (vs. 6-9) of the wolf and the lamb lying down together (even if the lamb doesn’t get much sleep). Just so nobody misses the point, the writer of chapter 65 quotes chapter 11 directly. “They shall not hurt or destroy on my holy mountain.” And John of Patmos picks up the theme in Revelation.
The metaphors of the “holy mountain” and the “new Jerusalem” had powerful meaning for folks in Bible days, but for me those visions are a magnificent metaphor of God’s dream for peace and justice in all creation.
Isaiah 12:2-6 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
2 God has rescued us from our arid deserts;
Nothing terrifies me any more.
I sing of the God who gives us living water.
3 From the deepest recesses of our souls,
celebration gushes forth,
4 It spills out across an anguished land,
As an awed people pour out praises.
5 Their voices rise, like water in the well:
"Glory to God, who creates springs of life
in the deserts of death."
6 So let praise pour out like the living water
from the well in our midst,
the well that is our God.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Books.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
2 Thessalonians 3:6-13 – This bit of preaching against free-loaders is fine, except that it over-simplifies. Yes, there are people who are just plain lazy, but there are also others who have invisible illnesses that don’t show on the surface. Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, fetal alcohol syndrome, assorted dementias and other afflictions show nothing on the surface. The sufferers are often seen as just plain lazy. And of course there are some who use those illnesses to do less than they could.
I had lunch with a friend and few days ago – a person who lives with virtually continuous pain – but who through courage and prayer lives an active, normal life. In fact, I’d known him for a long time before I was even aware that he suffered in this way.
So my response to Paul, in this instance, is to say that blanket statements are almost always wrong when applied to specific instances.
Luke 21:5-19 – I enjoy reading medieval European history – an interest I developed while researching the story of Julian of Norwich. That history, as well as more recent history, is littered with the heartbreak of people who have read this passage and became convinced that they were living in that time, and that the end was about to come. Which is exactly what the writer of Luke was quoting Jesus as saying.
Even now, there are fundamentalist Christians (Is that an oxymoron?) who are actively working to bring about the “end times.” They’d be delighted to hear of a few H-bombs going off somewhere.
And I really wonder if passages such as this have much value in the year 2007 – given that the writers had events of the first century in mind. Or are we required to squeeze a bit of contemporary relevance out of apocalyptic passages such as this one? if so, by whom? And why?
There’s a bundle of great resources on the Wood Lake Books website, including “Seasons of the Spirit” curriculum – which has material for all ages in the church. A few moments poking around on that site could be very fruitful. Go to the website at:
www.woodlakebooks.com
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Rumors – It seems to me there are two kinds of apocalyptists, and both of them show a singular lack of faith.
There’s the re-eyed preacher proclaiming the end of the world at 12 noon tomorrow (12:20 in Newfoundland). Such prophets have abundant texts and more signs and wonders to “prove” they are right. “I, and only I, know the truth!”
They preach a dramatic end. Great balls of fire and such. “We will sing out a ‘Te Deum’ when we see that ICBM and we’ll all go together when we go” (Tom Lehrer).
They forget that God tried that once with Noah and his family. It didn’t work. When it was all over, Noah got tanked, his kids messed up, and things were as bad after as they were before. It was a learning experience for God who decided that global genocide is not the solution. Try something new.
The other kind of apocalyptic prophet is at the other end of the political spectrum. This is the dry-eyed scientist. The world will end, “not with a bang, but a whimper” (T.S. Eliot) and we’ll all suffocate in our own toxic garbage. “I, and only I, know the truth!”
Their scriptures are scientific research all of which “proves” that unless we all jump on their particular ecological band-wagon the world will be a large cinder spinning helplessly out of control around the searing sun.
Both kinds of apocalyptic prophet have forgotten that there has been a long litany of such predictions. Does anyone remember the Club of Rome? Have we forgotten the predictions that flew around when 1999 became 2000? Jesus didn’t return in glory (at least not so anyone noticed) and the world-wide computer melt-down turned out to be the greatest non-event in history.
“Ralph is getting old and soft,” I hear you muttering. “He’s indulging in his favorite pastime, which is avoidance of anything unpleasant or that involves hard work.” All true.
But through the cynicism, yours and mine, there is a soft melody of truth we can hear filtering through all the cacophony. I hang onto the song sung by the writer of John’s gospel. “God so loved the world. . .” And I always hear it in my head set to Handel’s music. Yes, I am a sentimental old fool and probably the worlds last surviving optimist.
My own totally subjective rose-colored reading of events has persuaded me that God has not stopped loving you and me specifically and the whole world around us. God loves this beat-up old spaceship earth more than ever.
There’s the story of the old crone planting her spring potatoes when a grandchild comes rushing up after school. “Grandma,” yells the child. “They say the world is going to end. What should we do?”
“I should keep on planting my potatoes,” says the wise woman. “You should do your homework.”
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
Seeking the Source of Mystery
Perhaps you’ve seen this paragraph before:
“Aoccdrnig to rseearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.”
The paragraph seems to have started around the Internet in 2003. No one knows where it originated – certainly not at Cambridge University. The research it’s based on seems to have started with a PhD student named Graham Rawlinson, in an unpublished thesis for the University of Nottingham in England, titled "The Significance of Letter Position in Word Recognition," way back in 1976.
Hoax or real, that one silly paragraph has sparked dozens of studies since.
Most of these studies have focused on the nature of language. The scrambling system works in English, because we don’t have many inflected word endings. It does not work as well in French or Spanish; it is almost impossible in Hebrew and Hungarian; it doesn’t work at all in Chinese.
Also, short words work better than long ones. Long words can be deciphered only if they’re scrambled as smaller clumps of letters.
But most of this research, it seems to me, misses the central point. We humans have a desperate need to make sense of things. It’s hardwired into us.
You were probably surprised to find that you could actually read most of the scrambled paragraph. What should be even more surprising is that you made the attempt.
I mean, why bother? There are enough bewildering things going on in the world without struggling to beat a bunch of anagrams into submission.
I think it’s the same reason that we go looking for light emitted 14 billion years ago by newly formed stars. Or probe the insides of atoms, unravel the double-helix of DNA, and try to understand how we understand.
It’s more than just a fascination with mystery. Because we’re not content until the mystery isn’t a mystery any more.
We don’t like things that simply don’t make sense.
And so, at various stages in our history, we devise theories, explanations, to explain the unexplainable. We try our theories out, to see how well they work.
In the past, those theories often invoked God – or gods, or fate, or supernatural beings – as a means of making sense of apparent nonsense.
When some of those theories later prove flawed, in science or in religion, we revise them to explain matters more accurately.
Which doesn’t mean it was wrong to invoke God. Because the real mystery isn’t in the explanations at all. The real mystery is why we care enough to wonder, why we so desperately want things to make meaning.
And that yearning, I believe, has a lot more to do with God than any explanation does.
If you have comments or questions about Jim’s column, write to him directly at jimt@quixotic.ca. Jim also does another weekly column called “Sharp Edges” which is published in our daily newspaper. It has a stronger political-social justice content. If you’d like to receive Sharp Edges, send Jim a note at the address above. Or go to Jim’s web page at: http://edges.canadahomepage.net/index.php . Click on Sharp Edges or Soft Edges or whatever else you might like to read.
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Good Stuff – “The Dalai Lama has been in the news recently,” writes Don Sandin. He was made an honorary citizen of Canada, and in his visit, the Prime Minister and others went out of their way to make it a high-profile event, specifically to put pressure on China to improve its human rights practices.
Don passes on these “Instructions for Life” from the Dalai Lama.
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R’s: Respect for self. Respect for others. Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
20. There is no other person on this planet exactly like you.
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From the folks who make Rumors possible – I’ve been to three events in the last couple of weeks where there was a bookseller with copies of “The Spirituality of Grandparenting.” In each case, I had a batch of extra copies in the trunk of my car in case the bookseller should run out. In all three instances, we sold out the booksellers stock and the copies in my car.
Which leaders to a warning. If you were thinking of “The Spirituality of Grandparenting” as a Christmas gift, order it now. There’s a real possibility of the entire first run being sold out before Christmas.
Go to this Wood Lake Publishing web address (www.woodlakebooks.com) for this and many other delightful and useful resources. Select “Search by Title, Author," at the top left column of the site. Or phone 1-800-663-2775.
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – David Burt reports that at an All Saints’ Sunday service, the pastor made this plea. "Draw near with faith, and take this Holy Sacrament to your comfort, and make your mumble confession to almighty God." David is “pleased to say the congregation didn't mumble their confession, but spoke clearly, yet humbly.”
Stephani Keer writes about a man who was asked, in a wedding ceremony, if he would “take this woman as his awfully leaded wife,” which, says Stephani, is “both politically incorrect and a threat to the environment!”
Bill Medland of Kelowna, BC sounded the first “blooper alert.”
Then Wayne Blackwood of Salmon Cove, Newfoundland wrote to say I got his “Sunday off to a good start” with my commentary on Luke. Particularly profound was my observation that levirate marriage “served to protect the window who would otherwise starve to death."
Says Wayne, “I've never thought of a woman in the context of a window – there, but not really seen; someone I look through without actually seeing – someone who protects me from the elements without my always realizing it. I remembered my theology profs who tried so hard to get me to think theologically despite my best efforts. Thanks again for keeping me on track.”
David Aaseng of Circle, Montana writes: “I can see the danger of washing the windows of my house, or even worse, washing the insects off the windshield of my car. Until you pointed it out, I never realized that ‘It served to protect the window who would otherwise starve to death’. Thank you for the insight.”
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton@woodlake.com
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Wish I’d Said That! – A leader is best when people barely know the leader exists, when the leader's work is done, their aim fulfilled, the people will say: “We did it ourselves.”
Lao Tzu via Evelyn McLachlan
Culture is a slingshot moved by the force of its past.
Barbara Kingslover via Bob Warrick
It is only the love of the giver that atones for the insult of the gift.
African proverb via Clare Neufeld
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We Get Letters – Bonnie Dalzell writes: “My pastor likes to say that the Saducees didn’t believe in life after death, and that is why they were “sad you see.”
Stephani Keer sent me a web address for the Telegraph in the UK. They ran a contest asking readers to send in examples of the worst, cliché cluttered and trite prose they could find or imagine. An example. “To be honest with you, I'm pressurized 24/7. I'm literally in pieces. I surfed the net and sourced a top-dollar lifestyle guru, and he's working with my partner and I, prioritizing issues so that we can team up and address them – know what I mean?’
I don’t know if I should do this or not. I may find myself drowning in a slimy swamp of pious prose, but what if we ran a contest to see who could provide the best bad example of the way we desecrate our language. (Note: examples from Rumors or anything else wrote by me, not allowed!!!!) the winner will receive – ta da!! (cliché) a life-time subscription to Rumors. Second prize – the winner will be allowed to cancel their subscription to Rumors.
Nothing more than 25 words. I’m only human! (another cliché!)
Valerie Ellis responded to my comments about Gretzky scoring on the rebound to say that she knows of a church in Edmonton, Alberta “that had the big red neon sign on it that said ‘Jesus Saves.’ The Loblaws store across the street had a sign that said, ‘Loblaws saves you more’!”
Timothy Adams writes: “You quoted the old wheeze about a camel being a horse put together by a committee. I've always felt this libels camels.”
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “miss steaks eye kin knot sea!”) Robert Scott has an ambivalent relationship with the spell-checker on his computer. So do I. Robert sends this along “for those who live by the word and .............."
Note to US folks. You need to know that those who hold to the veddy veddy British tradition of “received” English, spell the word “check” as “cheque.” Presumably therefore, a “chequer” is someone who writes “checks.” “Chequer” also refers to the summer home of the British Prime Minister (I’ll bet you didn’t know that!).
Eye halve a spelling chequer,
It came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue,
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word,
And weight four it two say.
Weather eye am wrong oar write,
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid,
It nose bee fore two long.
And eye can put the error rite,
It’s rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it,
I am shore your pleased two no.
Its letter perfect awl the weigh,
My chequer tolled me sew.
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Bottom of the Barrel – A minister was visiting a family one afternoon and was surprised to learn that everyone in the household had a biblical name.
“Yes, sir,” said the lady of the house. “Even our dog has a name from the New Testament.”
This puzzled the minister. “I can’t think of any name for a dog in the New Testament.”
“Well,” replied the woman. “Do you know the story of the rich man and Lazarus?”
“Yes, of course,” answered the minister.
“Then you know it says that ‘moreover the dog came and licked his sores.’ So our dog’s name is Moreover.”
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com and give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton@woodlake.com
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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