R U M O R S # 591
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2010-02-28
February 28th, 2010
A PUNISHING GOD?
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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It’s good to be back home.
The last five issues were written ahead of time, and with a bit of help from Jim Taylor (Thanks Jim!) went out on schedule. Bev and I were on bored a ship (no, that’s not a miss-spelling) which offers Wi-Fi e-mail but it is a hopelessly clunky and expensive system. 75 cents a minute!
So I saved your assorted missives and will respond as soon as I can but there was a mountain of stuff waiting to be done when we got home and its getting toward tax time and I caught a doozer of a cold and, and, and…..
I should hastily add that the cruise was really quite good. As was the weather.
There were a fair number of dead people on board, but also some very interesting folks and some powerful and useful things to see and do at the various ports.
The main objective, to get Bev into the sunshine she so desperately needs in winter, was accomplished.
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The Story – rest assured
Rumors – teaching moments
Soft Edges – fear of being forgotten
Bloopers – boa conscriptor
Mirabile Dictu! – for whom the Tells bowled
Bottom of the Barrel – Sorry. Didn’t manage to get to the bottom.
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Sorry. There’s no Reader’s Theatre this week.
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – These delightful giggles from Stephani Keer
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
The old crone shone her wrinkles at the neat, young mortician. 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?'
She smiled at the youthful reporter. 'No peer pressure.'
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, March 7th, which is the Third Sunday of Lent.
* Isaiah 55:1-9
* Psalm 63:1-8
* 1 Corinthians 10:1-13
* Luke 13:1-9
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Luke 13:1-9
Jim says –
I’d love to read Luke’s mind, whoever he or she really was. I’d love to know why Luke put these two stories in sequence. Because I see them presenting opposite messages.
The parable of the fig tree is about getting a second chance. The fig tree has failed its purpose. For three years, it has produced no fruit. But, thanks to the pleading of the gardener, it gets another chance.
The preceding verses sound more like judgment. Yes, Jesus denies the common belief that suffering was punishment for sin. Whether the suffering came from human agency (Herod) or natural causes (the tower that collapsed), these people were not singled out by God because of their sins.
Nevertheless, Jesus repeats, “You will all perish as they did, unless you repent.”
I find myself turning to Isaiah for comfort and consolation: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
With that assurance, I am willing to rest content.
Ralph says –
The story to work on for this Sunday is quite clearly in the gospel – the parable of the barren fig tree. Paul seems to be telling us that if you don’t do right, God’ll get you. In other words all sinners deserve the death penalty.
I don’t know about you, but I know I wouldn’t be here if that were true. But I take comfort in the words of Isaiah who says God will “abundantly pardon,” and in the teachings of the 14th century mystic, Julian of Norwich, who proclaimed that God has only one characteristic and that is love. That love is so great, that God really can’t do anything except forgive our sins even before we commit them. And the punishment for the sin is built into the sin itself.
I like the parable of the barren fig tree. It’s not doing anything except “wasting the soil.” But the gardener (who would that be?) thinks a good feeding of manure might just make the world of difference.
City folks like us tend to think of manure (human as well as animal) as a waste product that is smelly and awful but country people think of manure as a useful by-product which, if wisely used, helps things grow. Someone once commented that manure, if it is piled up high, becomes a stinking waste, but if it is spread thinly and wisely, it is a source of life. One of the best sermons I ever heard was at a minister’s induction. It was called, “Manuring the Kingdom.” It made the points mentioned above, but also pointed out that even if a worship service is mostly BS, it can still help you grow.
Isaiah 55:1-9 – This is another one of those beautiful, poetic passages in Isaiah who reminds us that God’s grace is there for the taking. It requires nothing but an open mind and an open heart. And if that is hard to believe, he tells us that’s ok because we simply don’t have the marbles to think like God. So take the gift and be grateful, and stop trying to analyze everything.
Psalm 63:1-8 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
Why do we need downtown churches? Because a few people come there to seek sanctuary.
1 Crowds of people crush me.
They bump and bounce my mind;
they break my concentration.
I feel like nothing more than a means to an end, merely a cog in the machinery.
I long for the gentle touch of loving fingers, the intimate whisper of acceptance.
2 So I have come looking for you, Lord, in your holy places.
3 In this dimmed light, in this hushed silence, I sense your presence.
4 I wish I could feel you as near me in the rabid frenzy of life in the city core.
I want to reach out and touch you in the marketplace as well as the chancel.
5 Then I will not feel alone; you will be part of every thought and every breath.
6 I will know you at my desk and in my den, in my bed and in my bathtub.
7 Nothing will come between us.
8 And I will hold you close in the forest of my fears.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
1 Corinthians 10:1-13 – I’m sorry, but I simply can’t believe that God wipes out whole batches of people because they sinned. And the final verse in this reading also bothers me because I know of genuinely good people – and yes, I realize that’s my evaluation, not God’s – who have suffered to the point where they were physically and emotionally destroyed. Nor do I believe that God sends suffering as punishment for sins.
I know it upsets some of you when I take issue with the scripture, but I believe we are called to bring our intellect and our life experiences into our reading of the Bible. When I do that, it seems to me that in this instance, Paul struck out.
Isaiah reminded us that we can’t follow God’s thoughts. Which I think is true. And that applies to all of us, Paul included.
A children’s version of the Isaiah passage called “You Can’t Buy Love” may be found on page 93 of “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C.” And on page 96, you’ll find a children’s version of the gospel passage called “God Doesn’t Do Things Like That.”
Many preachers find it really useful to read one of these children’s versions of the key lection, to the children of course. But it also helps the adults who are much more able to grasp the passage when read from the Bible later in the service.
If you don’t already own a copy of this useful resource, click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – As noted above, Bev and I just got back from a rather long cruise. Getting her out of our gray Okanagan winter skies into some sunshine seems increasingly necessary for her assortment of chronic illnesses.
Getting back home was not without its teaching moments. We were having dinner in a nice little restaurant in San Diego when out of the blue, the chair I was sitting on collapsed, and I landed on the floor whanging my head on a nearby cupboard in the process.
Half the people in the little restaurant came rushing to my aid. But I wasn’t hurt. Not even my head. After a bit of dusting off and a new chair we continued our meal. But the owner of the restaurant was convinced, and is probably still convinced, that I would sue him and put him out of business, even though I told him I planned nothing of the kind. I didn’t use the word “forgiveness,” but that’s the essence of what I said to him. He couldn’t believe it. He may still be lying awake nights waiting for a call from the team of high-priced lawyers I’ve assembled to take every nickel he has.
When Bev and I got as far as Vancouver, I suddenly realized that I couldn’t remember where I had put the key to our house. We spent the first night home in a motel before I suddenly remembered. I had put the key in my fanny pack in an obvious and logical place, but the fanny pack was out of sight at the bottom of a suitcase.
We were a couple of pretty tied puppies when we finally got into our house. Bev teased me about the key a bit, but it didn’t occur to me to ask her for forgiveness or for her to offer it. My stupidity was forgiven long before the incident happened, because we live in a state of forgiveness.
I know that’s kind of pale and weak compared to the state of forgiveness we live with God. But we learn from the life we live, and such incidents help instruct us and remind us of that wondrous reality.
We are forgiven. Thanks be to God.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
By Jim Taylor
Fear of Being Forgotten
A shiny new park bench appeared on a beach by the lake.
The seat and back are polished concrete. The frame is cast iron, bolted down to a concrete pad.
It’s a nice bench, a comfortable place to sit, looking out across a little bay to the hills on the far side of the lake.
The bench is a memorial to a 20-year-old son who died a little less than a year ago.
It’s also illegal. The bench sits on public parkland. Last year the municipality went to considerable expense – and controversy – to remove all unlicensed docks, campfire rings, and other structures. The parent who erected this memorial has not always enjoyed amicable relationships with municipal bureaucrats.
So I doubt if they gave permission to erect this memorial bench along the shore. I could be wrong, of course. But who’s going to protest a grieving father’s last symbolic gesture to his son? Certainly not me. My wife and I lost our son 27 years ago; the wound still remains raw.
What interests me – about this memorial, but also about others – is our human compulsion to leave something permanent behind. A park bench, at an appropriate location, with a suitable plaque mounted on it. A bursary or scholarship. A book. A building...
Something, anything, that will outlast the donor.
Some wit caustically called this compulsion an “edifice complex.” Wealthy philanthropists fund a concert hall, a university faculty, a church... Less affluent families plant a tree, a memorial garden...
The Holy Land takes this compulsion to an extreme. Every site of any significance seems to have a church built on top of it.
The “edifice complex” is even recorded in scripture. At the miracle known as the Transfiguration, when Jesus appeared with a pair of long-dead predecessors, an awestruck Peter blurted, “Let us build three dwellings here, one for you, one for Moses, and one for Elijah.”
Our compulsion to leave something permanent probably starts with a fear of being forgotten. “Life’s but a walking shadow,” Shakespeare mused, “a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more.”
Memories are mortal, after all. In “Funeral for a Stranger,” Becca Stevens pondered, “Not only are we dust, but our memories are dust... Our memories are as fragile as the neurons that carry them.”
And then she makes an enormous leap: “One of the beautiful things about sacred texts is that they remind us we are not forgotten; we will be remembered by God.
“Heaven is God’s memory. We are preserved in the memory of love that is big enough to contain all creation, for all time. No one is forgotten, because everyone is beloved.”
As regular readers will know, I have trouble with many conventional images of heaven. Streets paved with gold and long white nightgowns fail to attract me.
But to be cherished forever, in a memory that will never fade – that, to quote Shakespeare again, is indeed “a consummation devoutly to be wished.”
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – On our recent junket we heard a tour guide referring to a large snake as a “boa conscriptor.” Made us think of some of the way some folks get volunteers in our churches.
Trevor Quinn wonders: If your memory (like mine) is full of holes, would it be holy?
Jane Millikan or Fargo, North Dakota writes: “Our pastor was at home with a cold last week. The secretary called him for bulletin details. “The sermon title will be ‘The Prophetic Voice’,” he rasped thru his sore throat.
On Sunday morning the sermon title was in the bulletin as "The Pathetic Voice."And our pastor had an extra sermon illustration!
Claire Phillips-Orate of Deming, New Mexico saw this in her church bulletin. "The project assigned to the UMW and UMM was to deliver holiday fits to those who would be working on Christmas Eve, away from their family and friends."
Claire adds that (unfortunately, in my opinion) the error was caught before it went to publication.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
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Wish I’d Said That! – You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Winston Churchill via Cliff Boldt
I dream of the day when the beauty of a piece of theological writing is deemed no less important than its accuracy, for how could one speak well of God in ugly prose?
Nicholas Lash via Jim Taylor
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “for whom the Tells bowled!”)
These brain-numbers from Doris Gist
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
"I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it," Croesus said.
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
To which Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire. So we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A man rushes into a busy doctor's office and screams, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking! I think I’m shrinking!"
"Now, settle down,” says the doctor. You'll just have to be a little patient."
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.
One day, the biologist’s supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used the watches to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues.
A police spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
A tribal chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine woman. After a brief examination, the medicine woman took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.
After a month, the medicine woman returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
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Bottom of the Barrel – Didn’t manage to get to the bottom this week. Barely managed to skim along the top.
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Sorry. I simply didn’t have the time or energy to $do it for this week. I’ll try to mend my ways for next week. Thanks for understanding.
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Preaching Materials for February 28th, 2010
R U M O R S # 590
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2010-02-21
February 21, 2010
A MOTHER HEN AND HER CHICKS
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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If you’ve been holding back on your letters until Bev and I got back from our sun soaking session, now’s the time to let ‘em go. We’re back.
Please put something like “Rumors” on the subject line so the spam filters don’t get twitchy, and give me your name and where you are from – even if this is the 4987th time you written. My memory is full of holes.
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The Story – prod and twist the story
Rumors – Jesus was a sissy
Soft Edges –
Bloopers – not afflicted by a church
Mirabile Dictu! – Tom Swifties
Bottom of the Barrel – the spirit in which it was given
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 13:31-35
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler –
Q: Why is it that chicken’s can’t talk?
A: Because God doesn’t like fowl language!
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, February 28th, which is the second Sunday of Lent.
* Genesis 15:1-12, 17-18
* Psalm 27
* Philippians 3:17-4:1
* Luke 13:31-35 or Luke 9:28-36, (37-43)
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Luke 13:31-35
There’s a temptation to go with the Abraham story and that grisly business of chopping all those animals in two. The alternate reading in Luke is the transfiguration story, but I can’t resist the tender image of the hen and her chicks.
Ralph says –
Feminine images are rather sparse in the Bible. I remember the image in Luke 13:34 every spring as I walk along our creek and delight in the clutches of fuzzy ducklings feeding along the edge of the water under the steady eye of the mama duck.
Sometimes at dusk we’d see mama duck tucking her babies under her wings where they will be as warm and safe as it is possible for wild ducks to be.
It is heartbreaking sometimes when a single duckling becomes separated from the clutch and goes whistling frantically for mama who is nowhere in sight. And when it spies Bev and I on the pathway, it goes skimming along the water in a desperate attempt to escape.
We always want to re-united it with its mother. But mostly that’s impossible because we don’t know where mother duck is either. When we’ve been successful, it is by scaring the little bird to run away from us in the direction of the mother.
We probably have to prod and twist that story of the ducklings too far to make it a useful parable. Except perhaps to help us know that sometimes our desperate run from perceived but unreal danger may lead us back into the arms of a loving God.
Genesis 15:1-12, 17-18 – Some commentators waste a lot of precious ink and paper trying to explain that business of the animals cut in half and laid out in a row. It is an obscure and ancient ritual intended to please a God who demanded sacrifice. Let’s leave it there.
The legend has value for us because it is about faithfulness in the face of negative evidence. It could be a valuable story for congregations facing declining membership.
Psalm 27:1-6– paraphrased by Jim Taylor
The same week that a friend was to be married, she was diagnosed with cancer.
1 In the darkness of the night I lie awake and tremble.
But with the dawn, fears fade away.
When I can see with my own eyes that there is nothing to be afraid of,
why should I fear?
If I could see with God's eyes, I would know I have nothing to fear.
2. No, not even if scalpels carve up my flesh,
even if treatment poison my body,
I have nothing to fear.
Malignant forces that might harm me will surely self-destruct;
By their own rapacious appetites, they will destroy themselves.
3 Though fate stacks the deck against me,
I will not despair.
Though tumors grow within me,
Yet I will remain confident, as long as you are with me.
4 I have only one desire, one goal in life:
I want to be part of your family.
I want to look along the thanksgiving table
and to feel the bonds of kinship--
with my cousins, my ancestors, my descendents.
5 Within that family I can feel safe.
I can hide my face in my mother's skirts;
I can rest my head on my son's shoulder.
6 Within that family, I need no longer fear what anyone thinks of me;
I can sing and dance;
I can be the joyful child that you created.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Philippians 3:17-4:1 – This passage also speaks to the question of faithfulness in the face of overwhelming evidence. It’s the evidence of declining membership that is most difficult for us. We look at some of the more successful conservative and fundamentalist groups and it seems they have simply baptized consumerism so that membership in their churches is easy and comfortable for those who flock to their entertaining worship.
In the face of all that, faithfulness is hard. Very hard.
But for many of us, that faithfulness is following the only path we can walk.
“Paul and the Church in Philippi” is a children’s version of the Philippians passage which you can find in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C,” page 89. ‘The Poor People of Jerusalem,” on page 91 is based on the Luke passage.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – As Rosemary Haughton points out in her book “Tales from Eternity,” Jesus was a sissy. There’s no getting around it. He cried in public, he loved flowers, he liked to play with babies, and when people came up and said insulting things, He’d give gentle answers.
Jesus was not your typical “he-man.” He was singularly lacking in “macho.” In a real sense, he was “gentle Jesus, meek and mild,” even though I’ve always disliked that phrase. It’s true, Jesus spent 40 days in the wilderness and for that he had to be physically tough. He could get mad and drive out the moneychangers.
That’s not the point.
The fact is that a very important aspect of his personality was what our culture would probably describe as “feminine.” As Rosemary says, “no progress can be made in holiness by either the individual or the churches, unless both men and women are willing to release the captive princess, the ‘feminine’ side of human nature.”
Of course it’s wrong to call certain qualities “feminine” and others “masculine.” They are all human qualities and exist in both sexes. But the idea that real strength is found in tenderness and weakness is, I think, central to the concept of what it means to be Christian and what it means to be fully human.
It’s an idea that scares many men silly. It threatens all our cultural ideas of what “masculinity” really means.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – It’s wonderful what gets typed into bulletins. It’s too bad so much of it gets found and corrected.
* As we move into the new worship center we want to ask everyone to avoid carrying food or drink (coffee, soft drinks, candy, pot, etc.) into the sanctuary.
* The outreach committee has enlisted 25 volunteers to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
* Parents are asked to remind their children to be on their pest behavior.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
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Wish I’d Said That! –
People run away far quicker than they come towards you.
Paul Gambaccini via George Brigham
Jim Taylor sent along these quotes and comments.
“When bad [people] combine, the good must associate; else they will fall, one by one, an un-pitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.”
That is by Edmund Burke from his essay: ‘Thoughts on the Cause of the Present Discontents’. It is often mis-quoted as:
“All that’s necessary for the forces of evil to win in the world is for enough good [people] to do nothing.”
“The hottest fires in hell are reserved for those who remain neutral in times of moral crisis”
Edmond Burke – again, with some dispute on the actual original quote.
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Tom Swifties!”)
To chase away the February blah’s here’s a bit on Tom Swifties. If you are the preachifying type, the challenge is to work some of these into the homily to see if anybody notices.
Tom Swifties are a step lower than the pun. Worse then that, they are addictive. What’s a Tom Swifty? I’m glad you asked. An example: “I ordered chocolate, not a vanilla sundae,” I screamed.
Now imagine (if you dare) a clergy couple making a house call.
“Ring the bell,” she snapped.
“I already did,” he harangued.
“Welcome and come in. What’s your sermon topic tomorrow?” the man of the house divined reverently.
“We haven’t decided,” he faltered demurely.
“But the choir will perform,” she chimed.
“I’m afraid I won’t be there,” the man said absently.
“That’s too bad, but what about next Sunday? “she asked weakly.
“I have to get up too early,” the man mourned, “and the beagles have to be fed,” he added dogmatically.
(“Those aren’t beagles, they’re mongrels,” she muttered.)
“But you need an occasional shot in the arm,” he added pointedly. “What about your wife, Mabel?” he enjoined surreptitiously.
“She spends the day sewing and gardening,” the man hemmed and hawed.
Here are some biblical Tom Swifties.
* “She is bone of my bone,” said Adam disjointedly.
* “I have sinned,” said Adam originally.
* “I was afraid because I was naked,” said Adam embarrassedly.
* “We can use these leaves to make aprons,” said Eve figuratively.
* “What are you doing with the razor?” Samson asked baldly.
* “But Jacob has stolen my blessing,” wailed Esau plaintively.
And a few odds and ends:
* “Someone took my needle!” she said pointedly.
* “Oh no! I dropped my toothpaste!” he said crestfallen.
* “I got this cold after Mildred died,” the pastor croaked.
* “We buried her yesterday,” he added gravely.
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Bottom of the Barrel – This from Bruce Frederickson.
Two small town pastors were discussing how they enjoyed an occasional drink, but because their churches avoided alcohol they did so only occasinally and then only on the sly. Finally one said to the other "Joe, I'll buy you the finest bottle of Scotch, if you'll just thank me for it in your Sunday bulletin."
Several weeks later Joe called his friend. "Bill, bring over that bottle of Scotch."
"But Joe," Bill replied. "How could you thank me for a bottle of Scotch in your church bulletin, when most of the members of your church are dead against alcohol?"
"That's simple," replied Joe. "I put it right here in the Sunday bulletin. "Rev Jones wishes to thank Rev Smith for the gift, and the spirit in which it was given!"
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 13:31-35
(NOTE: feel free to re-write this opening dialogue so that it more accurately fits the experience of the two readers.)
Reader 1: Did you ever live on a farm?
Reader 2: No, did you?
1: No, but I had an uncle who lived not far away, and I went to his farm quite often.
2: Why are you asking?
1: I wanted to know if you’d get the point – the image of the hen and the baby chicks. If you’ve never seen that you might not get the point of this passage.
2: Well, no, I’ve never seen a hen and baby chicks. I think I’ve seen some pictures.
1: When you get near the end of the day and it starts to get a bit dark, the hen will make clucking noises. She’ll sit down on the ground and the chicks will scurry under her wings and body feathers. She will sit there, looking a little fat, but protecting those chicks until the morning.
2: So that’s what Jesus was referring to. He wanted to love and protect the people of Jerusalem like a mother hen loves and protects her baby chicks, but they wouldn’t respond. They wouldn’t come and be protected by her warmth – by Jesus’ warmth and caring.
1: So. Let’s read the passage. It’s from Luke’s gospel.
SLGHT PAUSE
2: Some Pharisees came and spoke to Jesus.
1: "Get away from here, for Herod wants to kill you."
2: "Go and tell that fox for me, 'Listen, I am casting out demons and performing cures today and tomorrow, and on the third day I finish my work. Yet today, tomorrow, and the next day I must be on my way, because it is impossible for a prophet to be killed outside of Jerusalem.'
Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to it! How often have I desired to gather your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you were not willing!
See, your house is left to you. And I tell you, you will not see me until the time comes when you say, 'Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the Lord.'"
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2010-02-21
February 21, 2010
A MOTHER HEN AND HER CHICKS
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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If you’ve been holding back on your letters until Bev and I got back from our sun soaking session, now’s the time to let ‘em go. We’re back.
Please put something like “Rumors” on the subject line so the spam filters don’t get twitchy, and give me your name and where you are from – even if this is the 4987th time you written. My memory is full of holes.
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The Story – prod and twist the story
Rumors – Jesus was a sissy
Soft Edges –
Bloopers – not afflicted by a church
Mirabile Dictu! – Tom Swifties
Bottom of the Barrel – the spirit in which it was given
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 13:31-35
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler –
Q: Why is it that chicken’s can’t talk?
A: Because God doesn’t like fowl language!
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, February 28th, which is the second Sunday of Lent.
* Genesis 15:1-12, 17-18
* Psalm 27
* Philippians 3:17-4:1
* Luke 13:31-35 or Luke 9:28-36, (37-43)
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Luke 13:31-35
There’s a temptation to go with the Abraham story and that grisly business of chopping all those animals in two. The alternate reading in Luke is the transfiguration story, but I can’t resist the tender image of the hen and her chicks.
Ralph says –
Feminine images are rather sparse in the Bible. I remember the image in Luke 13:34 every spring as I walk along our creek and delight in the clutches of fuzzy ducklings feeding along the edge of the water under the steady eye of the mama duck.
Sometimes at dusk we’d see mama duck tucking her babies under her wings where they will be as warm and safe as it is possible for wild ducks to be.
It is heartbreaking sometimes when a single duckling becomes separated from the clutch and goes whistling frantically for mama who is nowhere in sight. And when it spies Bev and I on the pathway, it goes skimming along the water in a desperate attempt to escape.
We always want to re-united it with its mother. But mostly that’s impossible because we don’t know where mother duck is either. When we’ve been successful, it is by scaring the little bird to run away from us in the direction of the mother.
We probably have to prod and twist that story of the ducklings too far to make it a useful parable. Except perhaps to help us know that sometimes our desperate run from perceived but unreal danger may lead us back into the arms of a loving God.
Genesis 15:1-12, 17-18 – Some commentators waste a lot of precious ink and paper trying to explain that business of the animals cut in half and laid out in a row. It is an obscure and ancient ritual intended to please a God who demanded sacrifice. Let’s leave it there.
The legend has value for us because it is about faithfulness in the face of negative evidence. It could be a valuable story for congregations facing declining membership.
Psalm 27:1-6– paraphrased by Jim Taylor
The same week that a friend was to be married, she was diagnosed with cancer.
1 In the darkness of the night I lie awake and tremble.
But with the dawn, fears fade away.
When I can see with my own eyes that there is nothing to be afraid of,
why should I fear?
If I could see with God's eyes, I would know I have nothing to fear.
2. No, not even if scalpels carve up my flesh,
even if treatment poison my body,
I have nothing to fear.
Malignant forces that might harm me will surely self-destruct;
By their own rapacious appetites, they will destroy themselves.
3 Though fate stacks the deck against me,
I will not despair.
Though tumors grow within me,
Yet I will remain confident, as long as you are with me.
4 I have only one desire, one goal in life:
I want to be part of your family.
I want to look along the thanksgiving table
and to feel the bonds of kinship--
with my cousins, my ancestors, my descendents.
5 Within that family I can feel safe.
I can hide my face in my mother's skirts;
I can rest my head on my son's shoulder.
6 Within that family, I need no longer fear what anyone thinks of me;
I can sing and dance;
I can be the joyful child that you created.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Philippians 3:17-4:1 – This passage also speaks to the question of faithfulness in the face of overwhelming evidence. It’s the evidence of declining membership that is most difficult for us. We look at some of the more successful conservative and fundamentalist groups and it seems they have simply baptized consumerism so that membership in their churches is easy and comfortable for those who flock to their entertaining worship.
In the face of all that, faithfulness is hard. Very hard.
But for many of us, that faithfulness is following the only path we can walk.
“Paul and the Church in Philippi” is a children’s version of the Philippians passage which you can find in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C,” page 89. ‘The Poor People of Jerusalem,” on page 91 is based on the Luke passage.
There are children’s stories for every Sunday in the Revised Common Lectionary, in “The Lectionary Story Bible,” by yours truly. The marvellous illustrations are by Margaret Kyle. There’s at least one story for each Sunday, usually two, and occasionally three. Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – As Rosemary Haughton points out in her book “Tales from Eternity,” Jesus was a sissy. There’s no getting around it. He cried in public, he loved flowers, he liked to play with babies, and when people came up and said insulting things, He’d give gentle answers.
Jesus was not your typical “he-man.” He was singularly lacking in “macho.” In a real sense, he was “gentle Jesus, meek and mild,” even though I’ve always disliked that phrase. It’s true, Jesus spent 40 days in the wilderness and for that he had to be physically tough. He could get mad and drive out the moneychangers.
That’s not the point.
The fact is that a very important aspect of his personality was what our culture would probably describe as “feminine.” As Rosemary says, “no progress can be made in holiness by either the individual or the churches, unless both men and women are willing to release the captive princess, the ‘feminine’ side of human nature.”
Of course it’s wrong to call certain qualities “feminine” and others “masculine.” They are all human qualities and exist in both sexes. But the idea that real strength is found in tenderness and weakness is, I think, central to the concept of what it means to be Christian and what it means to be fully human.
It’s an idea that scares many men silly. It threatens all our cultural ideas of what “masculinity” really means.
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Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
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Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – It’s wonderful what gets typed into bulletins. It’s too bad so much of it gets found and corrected.
* As we move into the new worship center we want to ask everyone to avoid carrying food or drink (coffee, soft drinks, candy, pot, etc.) into the sanctuary.
* The outreach committee has enlisted 25 volunteers to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
* Parents are asked to remind their children to be on their pest behavior.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
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Wish I’d Said That! –
People run away far quicker than they come towards you.
Paul Gambaccini via George Brigham
Jim Taylor sent along these quotes and comments.
“When bad [people] combine, the good must associate; else they will fall, one by one, an un-pitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.”
That is by Edmund Burke from his essay: ‘Thoughts on the Cause of the Present Discontents’. It is often mis-quoted as:
“All that’s necessary for the forces of evil to win in the world is for enough good [people] to do nothing.”
“The hottest fires in hell are reserved for those who remain neutral in times of moral crisis”
Edmond Burke – again, with some dispute on the actual original quote.
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Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “Tom Swifties!”)
To chase away the February blah’s here’s a bit on Tom Swifties. If you are the preachifying type, the challenge is to work some of these into the homily to see if anybody notices.
Tom Swifties are a step lower than the pun. Worse then that, they are addictive. What’s a Tom Swifty? I’m glad you asked. An example: “I ordered chocolate, not a vanilla sundae,” I screamed.
Now imagine (if you dare) a clergy couple making a house call.
“Ring the bell,” she snapped.
“I already did,” he harangued.
“Welcome and come in. What’s your sermon topic tomorrow?” the man of the house divined reverently.
“We haven’t decided,” he faltered demurely.
“But the choir will perform,” she chimed.
“I’m afraid I won’t be there,” the man said absently.
“That’s too bad, but what about next Sunday? “she asked weakly.
“I have to get up too early,” the man mourned, “and the beagles have to be fed,” he added dogmatically.
(“Those aren’t beagles, they’re mongrels,” she muttered.)
“But you need an occasional shot in the arm,” he added pointedly. “What about your wife, Mabel?” he enjoined surreptitiously.
“She spends the day sewing and gardening,” the man hemmed and hawed.
Here are some biblical Tom Swifties.
* “She is bone of my bone,” said Adam disjointedly.
* “I have sinned,” said Adam originally.
* “I was afraid because I was naked,” said Adam embarrassedly.
* “We can use these leaves to make aprons,” said Eve figuratively.
* “What are you doing with the razor?” Samson asked baldly.
* “But Jacob has stolen my blessing,” wailed Esau plaintively.
And a few odds and ends:
* “Someone took my needle!” she said pointedly.
* “Oh no! I dropped my toothpaste!” he said crestfallen.
* “I got this cold after Mildred died,” the pastor croaked.
* “We buried her yesterday,” he added gravely.
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Bottom of the Barrel – This from Bruce Frederickson.
Two small town pastors were discussing how they enjoyed an occasional drink, but because their churches avoided alcohol they did so only occasinally and then only on the sly. Finally one said to the other "Joe, I'll buy you the finest bottle of Scotch, if you'll just thank me for it in your Sunday bulletin."
Several weeks later Joe called his friend. "Bill, bring over that bottle of Scotch."
"But Joe," Bill replied. "How could you thank me for a bottle of Scotch in your church bulletin, when most of the members of your church are dead against alcohol?"
"That's simple," replied Joe. "I put it right here in the Sunday bulletin. "Rev Jones wishes to thank Rev Smith for the gift, and the spirit in which it was given!"
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Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 13:31-35
(NOTE: feel free to re-write this opening dialogue so that it more accurately fits the experience of the two readers.)
Reader 1: Did you ever live on a farm?
Reader 2: No, did you?
1: No, but I had an uncle who lived not far away, and I went to his farm quite often.
2: Why are you asking?
1: I wanted to know if you’d get the point – the image of the hen and the baby chicks. If you’ve never seen that you might not get the point of this passage.
2: Well, no, I’ve never seen a hen and baby chicks. I think I’ve seen some pictures.
1: When you get near the end of the day and it starts to get a bit dark, the hen will make clucking noises. She’ll sit down on the ground and the chicks will scurry under her wings and body feathers. She will sit there, looking a little fat, but protecting those chicks until the morning.
2: So that’s what Jesus was referring to. He wanted to love and protect the people of Jerusalem like a mother hen loves and protects her baby chicks, but they wouldn’t respond. They wouldn’t come and be protected by her warmth – by Jesus’ warmth and caring.
1: So. Let’s read the passage. It’s from Luke’s gospel.
SLGHT PAUSE
2: Some Pharisees came and spoke to Jesus.
1: "Get away from here, for Herod wants to kill you."
2: "Go and tell that fox for me, 'Listen, I am casting out demons and performing cures today and tomorrow, and on the third day I finish my work. Yet today, tomorrow, and the next day I must be on my way, because it is impossible for a prophet to be killed outside of Jerusalem.'
Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to it! How often have I desired to gather your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you were not willing!
See, your house is left to you. And I tell you, you will not see me until the time comes when you say, 'Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the Lord.'"
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Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Preaching Materials for February 21st, 2010
R U M O R S # 589
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2010-02-14
February 14th, 2010
THE SEDUCTION OF POWER
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
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The Story – the greatest temptation
Rumors – no grading system
Soft Edges –
Bloopers – concrete pies
Mirabile Dictu! – up to my class
Bottom of the Barrel – who creates the chaos?
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 4:1-13
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
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Rib Tickler – A monastery had a beautiful garden which the bees enjoyed year after year. However the young new monks had no time for gardening – they were too busy with more important things and one day the chief gardener came out and surveyed his once beautiful garden with sorrow.
A passing bee saw how sad he was and asked him what was the matter. “Well,” said the monk, “there are no more flowers for you to enjoy and I regret to tell you that the Rabbi’s garden down the road has bigger and sweeter-smelling flowers for your enjoyment.”
“Oh thank you,” said the bee. “I’ll check it out tomorrow and I’ll come back and let you know how I find it.”
The next evening, as the monk was sitting on his favorite bench, in buzzed the bee – with a yarmulke on his head!
“What!” exclaimed the monk. “Have you converted?”
“Oh no” said the bee. “But I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to think I was a WASP!”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, February 21st, which is the first Sunday in Lent, Year C.
* Deuteronomy 26:1-11
* Psalm 91:1-2, 9-16
* Romans 10:8b-13
* Luke 4:1-13
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Luke 4:1-13
Ralph says –
There’s nothing as seductive as success. There’s nothing as dangerous as success.
It wouldn’t be hard to make a long list of successful people who came tumbling down off their pedestals because they didn’t know what to do with success. You could start with King David and end with Tiger Woods and list any number of women and men in between.
It’s not always been sex as in the case of the aforementioned men who couldn’t keep their pants zipped up. Alcohol, drugs, depression, arrogance, shopping – there are any number of ways in which humans stumble over their own success. Perhaps the greatest danger is hubris – because we disguise it so well. We fool ourselves most effectively. And here, reflecting on a lifetime in the ministry of Christian communication, I need to step forward as exhibit one.
Spiritual success is probably the greatest temptation. C.S. Lewis in “The Screwtape Letters,” has a scene where the Senior Devil is instructing the Junior Devil about how to tempt a young Christian. He tells him to bring it to the young man’s attention that he is becoming very spiritual, and that is a very good thing. Make him proud of that, he instructs.
We could compose a sad litany about the men and women who entered Christian ministry, and who did very well at it. But somewhere along the way they lost track of the gospel of love and slowly, imperceptibly, began to work toward a gospel of self-promotion, well disguised as God’s love. Most of them don’t even know it themselves.
Jesus knew the power he had. Jesus knew the skills he had. And after forty days in the desert he found himself wrestling with the demon in himself. This was nothing external. This demon was a part of who he was. And the struggle he faced every day of his life was a battle for his very soul.
He won that first round, there in the desert. But his demon lurked inside him – and fought with him continually – until the very last gasp of life on the cross.
Deuteronomy 26:1-11– In the ongoing battle against temptation that every one of us fights every day of our lives, this passage offers one useful antidote. The first fruits. The practice of giving the first of everything – the first harvest, the first part of the paycheck, the first expression of thanks – giving the first fruits to God’s work is one useful way to help us keep a focus on our call.
Just one of many. But it’s a good one.
Psalm 91:1-2, 9-16 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
March is a season for wet and cold.
9 Let your faith be your umbrella;
Live your life under God's protection.
10 No rain clouds will ruin your picnic;
nor will thunderstorms drown your fondest desires.
11 The spirit of God will surround you like a shimmering bubble.
It will deflect the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune;
12 It will smooth your passage over speed-bumps and potholes.
13 Neither wind nor sleet nor hail nor snow--
nor stress nor illness nor peer pressures--
shall keep you from growing closer and closer to God.
14 For God says: "Because you trusted me,
I will give you more cause to trust;
Because you knew me enough to ask for help,
I will help you.
15 When you call, I will answer you.
When you fall down, I will pick you up.
16 I will accompany you through a long life;
I will never leave you lonely and afraid."
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Romans 10:8b-13 – Simple. All you have to do is say “Jesus is Lord,” and you’ve got it made. In Paul’s day that meant a whole lot more than it means today. In the Roman empire, it was treason and punishable by death.
Now it can be too easy and flip. A throw-away line. And so it is very dangerous to read Paul’s passage and apply it literally today. It can lead to a self-righteous superficiality and therefore the very opposite of what Paul intended.
A children’s story based on the Deuteronomy passage can be found in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C,” page 85, followed by a story about Jesus’ temptation based on the Luke passage called “Jesus Gets Ready.”
Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – When you’ve seen one baptism, you’ve seen 'em all.
Well, not quite. The passage from Romans specified in the lectionary brings back the memory of the time Bev (my wife) was minister at the Westbank Church.
It was a baptism of two young children in a family, one about three and the other about five. Bev explained that not only had she met with the parents to explain the meaning of baptism, she had met with the two children separately. And all four of them were going to make a personal statement of faith.
First the parents. Their statements obviously reflected the words and phrases they had heard and read. That was OK. They seemed eager to learn and grow.
Then the eldest of the two children said, “I like Jesus because he’s nice.” And the youngest child held up a picture he had colored. We weren’t sure what it was, but Bev made it quite clear that she appreciated all four statements and valued them equally.
The four members of that family, in effect, responded to Jesus’ question: “Who do you say that I am?” And in the sermon Bev, in effect, offered her response to Jesus’ question.
I arranged those five statements in my head in terms of relative merit beginning with the colored picture, all the way through up to Bev’s sermon. And I'd no sooner done that, than I recognized the error.
There are no adequate responses to that question. But by the same token, there are no inadequate responses either.
Another memory. The baptism of Andrew, a young man with Down’s Syndrome. His normal vocabulary was three or four words. As he knelt for the baptism, and the water touched his forehead, his face burst into the widest, sparkling smile you have ever seen, and very loudly, Andrew shouted the one word. “Jesus!”
There’s no grading system – no prize for the “right” answer. Andrew’s “Jesus,” or the three-year-old’s picture, differed only in sophistication, but not in correctness or authenticity from Bev’s sermon.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – from the file
* Announcement requesting baking donations for the annual bazaar: “And I don’t want abstract promises. I want concrete pies!”
* Announcing a covenanting service for the new minister, the bulletin had it as a “coveting” service.
* As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Wish I’d Said That! – also from the file
It is necessary to stand for things that will not come to pass until long after we are gone. Bertrand Russell
It is not true that suffering ennobles the character; happiness does that sometimes, but suffering, for the most part, makes people petty and vindictive.
W. Somerset Maugham
Oh what a tangled web do parents weave,
When first they practice to conceive.
Ogden Nash
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “up to my class!”)
A Sunday school teacher I know
Goes south when the winter winds blow.
“I’d rather be here,”
She says with a cheer,
“Than up to my class in the snow.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bottom of the Barrel – There were three bi-vocational clergy having lunch one day. One was an obstetrician, one was a farmer and the third was a lawyer. The topic came around to which of their secular occupations was the best integrated into their vocations.
“Well,” said the obstetrician-priest, “healing is a ministry practiced by Christ himself.” And the two others agreed that yes, indeed, the doctor/minister combination worked very well. “And besides, in Eden, Adam would certainly have assisted at the birth of his children.”
“Of course,” smiled the farmer-clergy, “you remember that God specifically put Adam into the garden to keep it. Tilling the earth is therefore the primary labor of humanity commanded by God.”
“My beloved friends,” said the lawyer. “I think your professions are excellent ‘tent-making ministries.’ But you must agree that my profession, as a lawyer, is most dear to the heart of God. Before Jesus healed – before Eve delivered – before there was a Garden of Eden, God created the world out of chaos. And who creates the chaos. Well, lawyers, of course!”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 4:1-13
Reader 1: Today we’re going to read the story of how Jesus was tempted in the wilderness. I’ve seen that scene in couple of movies, and I’m a bit confused.
Reader 2: The problem is that movies and television are so literal. They have to show you something, and often the thing they show is false.
1: How can the thing they show be false?
2: Because the battle that Jesus fought in the wilderness was a battle that happened inside him.
1:How do you know that?
2: Well I don’t KNOW that. But I think it’s a reasonable guess. It says Jesus spent forty days in the wilderness and that battle was going on the whole time. In the movies it only took a few minutes.
1: So the devil Jesus was wrestling with was inside himself?
2: That’s the way I read the story.
1: Boy, it’s a good thing we don’t have to go through all that.
2: But you do. All of us are wrestling with temptation, every day. Some of us know we are doing it. The rest of us just go along happily not having any idea what is going on.
1: Now you’re making me feel guilty. Uncomfortable. Can we just go on to read the scripture?
2: So there you are, giving into the temptation to avoid dealing with the issue.
1: Could we just read the scripture? Please!!!
2: Sure. It’s from Luke’s gospel.
SLIGHT PAUSE
1: Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the wilderness, where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing at all during those days, and when they were over, he was famished. And this is what the devil said to him.
2: "If you are the Son of God, command this stone to become a loaf of bread."
1: "It is written, 'One does not live by bread alone.'"
2: Here, see, I am showing you all the kingdoms of the world. To you I will give their glory and all this authority; for it has been given over to me, and I give it to anyone I please. If you, then, will worship me, it will all be yours."
1: "It is written, 'Worship the Lord your God, and serve only him.'"
2: Here, see, I am taking you to Jerusalem and placing you on the pinnacle of the temple. "If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down from here, for it is written, 'He will command his angels concerning you, to protect you.' 'On their hands they will bear you up, so that you will not dash your foot against a stone.'"
1: "It is said, 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'"
2: Ha! You pass this test. But I will come back to you at another opportune time.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2010-02-14
February 14th, 2010
THE SEDUCTION OF POWER
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Story – the greatest temptation
Rumors – no grading system
Soft Edges –
Bloopers – concrete pies
Mirabile Dictu! – up to my class
Bottom of the Barrel – who creates the chaos?
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 4:1-13
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rib Tickler – A monastery had a beautiful garden which the bees enjoyed year after year. However the young new monks had no time for gardening – they were too busy with more important things and one day the chief gardener came out and surveyed his once beautiful garden with sorrow.
A passing bee saw how sad he was and asked him what was the matter. “Well,” said the monk, “there are no more flowers for you to enjoy and I regret to tell you that the Rabbi’s garden down the road has bigger and sweeter-smelling flowers for your enjoyment.”
“Oh thank you,” said the bee. “I’ll check it out tomorrow and I’ll come back and let you know how I find it.”
The next evening, as the monk was sitting on his favorite bench, in buzzed the bee – with a yarmulke on his head!
“What!” exclaimed the monk. “Have you converted?”
“Oh no” said the bee. “But I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to think I was a WASP!”
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, February 21st, which is the first Sunday in Lent, Year C.
* Deuteronomy 26:1-11
* Psalm 91:1-2, 9-16
* Romans 10:8b-13
* Luke 4:1-13
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Luke 4:1-13
Ralph says –
There’s nothing as seductive as success. There’s nothing as dangerous as success.
It wouldn’t be hard to make a long list of successful people who came tumbling down off their pedestals because they didn’t know what to do with success. You could start with King David and end with Tiger Woods and list any number of women and men in between.
It’s not always been sex as in the case of the aforementioned men who couldn’t keep their pants zipped up. Alcohol, drugs, depression, arrogance, shopping – there are any number of ways in which humans stumble over their own success. Perhaps the greatest danger is hubris – because we disguise it so well. We fool ourselves most effectively. And here, reflecting on a lifetime in the ministry of Christian communication, I need to step forward as exhibit one.
Spiritual success is probably the greatest temptation. C.S. Lewis in “The Screwtape Letters,” has a scene where the Senior Devil is instructing the Junior Devil about how to tempt a young Christian. He tells him to bring it to the young man’s attention that he is becoming very spiritual, and that is a very good thing. Make him proud of that, he instructs.
We could compose a sad litany about the men and women who entered Christian ministry, and who did very well at it. But somewhere along the way they lost track of the gospel of love and slowly, imperceptibly, began to work toward a gospel of self-promotion, well disguised as God’s love. Most of them don’t even know it themselves.
Jesus knew the power he had. Jesus knew the skills he had. And after forty days in the desert he found himself wrestling with the demon in himself. This was nothing external. This demon was a part of who he was. And the struggle he faced every day of his life was a battle for his very soul.
He won that first round, there in the desert. But his demon lurked inside him – and fought with him continually – until the very last gasp of life on the cross.
Deuteronomy 26:1-11– In the ongoing battle against temptation that every one of us fights every day of our lives, this passage offers one useful antidote. The first fruits. The practice of giving the first of everything – the first harvest, the first part of the paycheck, the first expression of thanks – giving the first fruits to God’s work is one useful way to help us keep a focus on our call.
Just one of many. But it’s a good one.
Psalm 91:1-2, 9-16 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
March is a season for wet and cold.
9 Let your faith be your umbrella;
Live your life under God's protection.
10 No rain clouds will ruin your picnic;
nor will thunderstorms drown your fondest desires.
11 The spirit of God will surround you like a shimmering bubble.
It will deflect the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune;
12 It will smooth your passage over speed-bumps and potholes.
13 Neither wind nor sleet nor hail nor snow--
nor stress nor illness nor peer pressures--
shall keep you from growing closer and closer to God.
14 For God says: "Because you trusted me,
I will give you more cause to trust;
Because you knew me enough to ask for help,
I will help you.
15 When you call, I will answer you.
When you fall down, I will pick you up.
16 I will accompany you through a long life;
I will never leave you lonely and afraid."
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
Romans 10:8b-13 – Simple. All you have to do is say “Jesus is Lord,” and you’ve got it made. In Paul’s day that meant a whole lot more than it means today. In the Roman empire, it was treason and punishable by death.
Now it can be too easy and flip. A throw-away line. And so it is very dangerous to read Paul’s passage and apply it literally today. It can lead to a self-righteous superficiality and therefore the very opposite of what Paul intended.
A children’s story based on the Deuteronomy passage can be found in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C,” page 85, followed by a story about Jesus’ temptation based on the Luke passage called “Jesus Gets Ready.”
Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
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Rumors – When you’ve seen one baptism, you’ve seen 'em all.
Well, not quite. The passage from Romans specified in the lectionary brings back the memory of the time Bev (my wife) was minister at the Westbank Church.
It was a baptism of two young children in a family, one about three and the other about five. Bev explained that not only had she met with the parents to explain the meaning of baptism, she had met with the two children separately. And all four of them were going to make a personal statement of faith.
First the parents. Their statements obviously reflected the words and phrases they had heard and read. That was OK. They seemed eager to learn and grow.
Then the eldest of the two children said, “I like Jesus because he’s nice.” And the youngest child held up a picture he had colored. We weren’t sure what it was, but Bev made it quite clear that she appreciated all four statements and valued them equally.
The four members of that family, in effect, responded to Jesus’ question: “Who do you say that I am?” And in the sermon Bev, in effect, offered her response to Jesus’ question.
I arranged those five statements in my head in terms of relative merit beginning with the colored picture, all the way through up to Bev’s sermon. And I'd no sooner done that, than I recognized the error.
There are no adequate responses to that question. But by the same token, there are no inadequate responses either.
Another memory. The baptism of Andrew, a young man with Down’s Syndrome. His normal vocabulary was three or four words. As he knelt for the baptism, and the water touched his forehead, his face burst into the widest, sparkling smile you have ever seen, and very loudly, Andrew shouted the one word. “Jesus!”
There’s no grading system – no prize for the “right” answer. Andrew’s “Jesus,” or the three-year-old’s picture, differed only in sophistication, but not in correctness or authenticity from Bev’s sermon.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – from the file
* Announcement requesting baking donations for the annual bazaar: “And I don’t want abstract promises. I want concrete pies!”
* Announcing a covenanting service for the new minister, the bulletin had it as a “coveting” service.
* As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Wish I’d Said That! – also from the file
It is necessary to stand for things that will not come to pass until long after we are gone. Bertrand Russell
It is not true that suffering ennobles the character; happiness does that sometimes, but suffering, for the most part, makes people petty and vindictive.
W. Somerset Maugham
Oh what a tangled web do parents weave,
When first they practice to conceive.
Ogden Nash
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “up to my class!”)
A Sunday school teacher I know
Goes south when the winter winds blow.
“I’d rather be here,”
She says with a cheer,
“Than up to my class in the snow.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bottom of the Barrel – There were three bi-vocational clergy having lunch one day. One was an obstetrician, one was a farmer and the third was a lawyer. The topic came around to which of their secular occupations was the best integrated into their vocations.
“Well,” said the obstetrician-priest, “healing is a ministry practiced by Christ himself.” And the two others agreed that yes, indeed, the doctor/minister combination worked very well. “And besides, in Eden, Adam would certainly have assisted at the birth of his children.”
“Of course,” smiled the farmer-clergy, “you remember that God specifically put Adam into the garden to keep it. Tilling the earth is therefore the primary labor of humanity commanded by God.”
“My beloved friends,” said the lawyer. “I think your professions are excellent ‘tent-making ministries.’ But you must agree that my profession, as a lawyer, is most dear to the heart of God. Before Jesus healed – before Eve delivered – before there was a Garden of Eden, God created the world out of chaos. And who creates the chaos. Well, lawyers, of course!”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 4:1-13
Reader 1: Today we’re going to read the story of how Jesus was tempted in the wilderness. I’ve seen that scene in couple of movies, and I’m a bit confused.
Reader 2: The problem is that movies and television are so literal. They have to show you something, and often the thing they show is false.
1: How can the thing they show be false?
2: Because the battle that Jesus fought in the wilderness was a battle that happened inside him.
1:How do you know that?
2: Well I don’t KNOW that. But I think it’s a reasonable guess. It says Jesus spent forty days in the wilderness and that battle was going on the whole time. In the movies it only took a few minutes.
1: So the devil Jesus was wrestling with was inside himself?
2: That’s the way I read the story.
1: Boy, it’s a good thing we don’t have to go through all that.
2: But you do. All of us are wrestling with temptation, every day. Some of us know we are doing it. The rest of us just go along happily not having any idea what is going on.
1: Now you’re making me feel guilty. Uncomfortable. Can we just go on to read the scripture?
2: So there you are, giving into the temptation to avoid dealing with the issue.
1: Could we just read the scripture? Please!!!
2: Sure. It’s from Luke’s gospel.
SLIGHT PAUSE
1: Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the wilderness, where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing at all during those days, and when they were over, he was famished. And this is what the devil said to him.
2: "If you are the Son of God, command this stone to become a loaf of bread."
1: "It is written, 'One does not live by bread alone.'"
2: Here, see, I am showing you all the kingdoms of the world. To you I will give their glory and all this authority; for it has been given over to me, and I give it to anyone I please. If you, then, will worship me, it will all be yours."
1: "It is written, 'Worship the Lord your God, and serve only him.'"
2: Here, see, I am taking you to Jerusalem and placing you on the pinnacle of the temple. "If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down from here, for it is written, 'He will command his angels concerning you, to protect you.' 'On their hands they will bear you up, so that you will not dash your foot against a stone.'"
1: "It is said, 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'"
2: Ha! You pass this test. But I will come back to you at another opportune time.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Peaching Materials for February 7th, 2010
R U M O R S # 587
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2010-01-31
January 31, 2010
A PREACHING LESSON
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
This is still one of those issues that’s written ahead so Bev and I can bask in the sunshine for a bit. That means there’s not much in the way of readers’ contributions. But that doesn’t mean you should stop sending them. I’ll collect them all together so that the first few issues after we get home should be a gas.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Story – the worst or the best sermon
Rumors – the fisherfolk club
Soft Edges –
Bloopers – the king’s bras
Mirabile Dictu! – the sale of cabbage
Bottom of the Barrel – paving stones
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 5:1-11
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rib Tickler – A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store looking for something a bit unusual. He finally settled on a talking centipede, the kind that really does have a hundred legs.
The next day being Sunday, he decides to take the centipede to church. He goes up to the little centipede box and says, "Would you like to go to church with me today?”
There’s no answer.
A few minutes later he tried again. "How about going to church with me?
Again, no answer.
He waits a few minutes more, then realizes they’ll be late if they don’t get going soon. This time he yells, "Hey, you in there! Would you like to go to church with me? I mean, it’s Palm Sunday y’know!"
A tiny, bug-like voice comes out of the box. "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
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Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, February 7th, which is the Fifth Sunday after the Epiphany, Year C.
* Isaiah 6:1-8, (9-13)
* Psalm 138
* 1 Corinthians 15:1-11
* Luke 5:1-11
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Luke 5:1-11
Ralph says –
First of all, Gennesaret is just another name for the Lake of Galilee. It’s a fair bit below sea level and hence has an almost tropical climate. It’s a lovely lake to swim in.
In this story, Simon (aka Peter) wins the lottery. He’s been out there all night working his butt off, and catches almost nothing. Then Jesus tells him to try again and they fill up the boat.
Peter’s a bit like a guy who wins the lottery, but then never goes to cash in the winning ticket. Peter doesn’t take that haul of fish to the market to sell so he doesn’t benefit from the bonanza. He and his partners, James and John, just leave everything there and follow Jesus. Which makes no economic sense.
It doesn’t make economic sense for a smart person with good people skills to go into the ministry, either. There’s way more money to be made selling something.
Nor does it make economic sense for dedicated laypeople to spend all that time studying their faith and working in the outreach ministry of the church.
These three men go stumbling over their nets and boats and follow Jesus, and the crowd that saw all this witnessed a sermon in action that was more powerful than the one Jesus preached. Luke doesn’t tell us a thing that Jesus said in that sermon. Nor does he say whether Simon and his buds were paying attention. He tells us what they did.
And we’re still talking about it.
Isaiah 6:1-8, (9-13) – Unlike Jeremiah’s call to prophecy which we looked at last week, Isaiah’s call would have brought out CNN and Fox and more photographers than the Vancouver Olympics. Jeremiah’s call could have been very private. Isaiah’s was full of lights and noise and smoke.
Unless, of course, it all happened in his imagination which may be more likely. So call off the media.
What this does illustrate is that calls to prophecy, to ministry, to service, to faith, can take many forms. Many forms.
And one is not more valid than the other.
Psalm 138 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
In biblical times, worshipers prostrated themselves on the ground before the Holy of Holies, while reciting Psalm 138. For us, it's a strange position from which to express gratitude.
1 This is your turf, your home, your territory.
I am so glad to be here, God, that I kiss the earth you walk on.
2 I fling myself into the dust, the floor of your dwelling.
I extend my arms to embrace your earth.
But you lift me up from my humble position.
You take me in as your guest.
You have made me one of your family;
you have even given me your name!
3 You have taken me under your wing.
When I cry out, you cover me;
I benefit from your strength.
4 Foxes may lord it over the chicken coop, and squirrels over the sparrow's nest,
But no creatures challenge the eagle's rule;
They cower before the eagle's eye and ruthless claws.
5 As the eagle soars above the field mice,
so do you, Lord, rise above us mortals.
6 Daily duties keep us scurrying close to the earth.
But you watch over us from on high;
you can see danger long before it draws near.
7 Troubles grow around us like tall grass
But in the shadow of your outspread pinions, predators scatter
Like leaves before an autumn wind.
8 There is a place for me in your plans.
You will never abandon me.
You will work out your purpose for me, no matter how long it takes.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
1 Corinthians 15:1-11 – In this passage Paul talks about his call to ministry which was also pretty dramatic. And it involved a 180 degree turn from being a persecutor to being a promoter.
Paul calls himself the “least of the apostles,” but his humility loses a bit of its shine when he goes on to claim that he worked harder than all of them, though of course, it wasn’t him it was the grace of God. I imagine a bit of a nervous laugh here, which of course isn’t recorded.
In the story, “Isaiah Becomes a Prophet,” I have his friend Rebekah talk to Isaiah about becoming a prophet. It’s in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C,” page 59. Then there’s a story called “Simon Gets a New Job” on page 62 based on the Luke passage.
Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rumors – There are many versions of this story. But basically it goes something like this.
There was a group that called themselves The Fisherfolk Club. They started out as a gathering of people who earned their living fishing in the ocean. At first, only real fisherfolk could join. But not wanting to be selfish, and because they had nice facilities that needed to be paid for, they invited others to come in too.
In the club headquarters there were fish symbols galore, hooks, nets, and floats and rods. All the members of the club, even those who were not fishers, wore old hats with lures stuck in them and tall wading boots which got quite uncomfortable on warm days. But they were proud to be fishers and so never took them off.
They had a well-stocked library of books about fishing. And several times a year they ran seminars to which world-renounced fishers were invited to come and deliver learned lectures. All the talk and all the activities of the club centered around fishing, but as the years went by, fewer and fewer of the members actually went out fishing.
Then one day, the club had a new member. They had not had a new member for some time, so this was an interesting experience. And the new member asked an interesting question. “When do you go fishing?”
Well, it turned out that members of The Fisherfolk Club had never caught a fish. In fact, they had never actually seen a live fish. And the idea that they should go out there in a boat or wade into the water came as quite a shock to them.
They had long meetings on the subject and finally came to the conclusion that the new member would have to leave. The new member obviously knew very little about what it really meant to be a member of The Fisherfolk Club.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – From the file
* The King's Bras will present a concert at our church this evening at 6:00 pm.
* A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.’
* After receiving the communion elements, the altar is open for prayer and medication.
* Amazing Grace: “I once was found, but now I’m lost ...”
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Wish I’d Said That! – from the file
I can only please one person per day. This is not your day.
source unknown
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue.
source unknown
The things that count most in life are the things that can't be counted.
source unknown
If you are not treated as you deserve, be thankful.
source unknown
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “sale of cabbage!”) Here’s how long it takes to say things:
* Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
* The Lord’s Prayer: 66 words.
* Archimedes’ Principle: 67 words.
* The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
* The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
* The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
* Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bottom of the Barrel – There once was a rich man who was dying. While on his death bed, he tried to negotiate with God to be allowed to bring his earthly treasures with him to heaven. “God, please, I have worked so hard to accumulate all these riches. Can’t I bring them along?”
“This is very unusual” said God, “but since you have been such a faithful steward, I will allow you to bring along one suitcase.”
The man immediately had a servant fill a large suitcase with gold bricks. Shortly thereafter he died.
When the man arrived at the Pearly Gates, he was stopped by St. Peter. “I’m sorry sir, but you know the rules. You can’t take it with you. You may enter, but the suitcase has to stay outside.”
“But God told me I could bring one suitcase,” the man protested.
“Well, if God says it’s OK then I guess it’s OK, but I still need to examine the contents before you can enter.”
St. Peter takes the suitcase from the man, opens it, and looks very puzzled. “You brought paving stones?”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 5:1-11
Reader 1: I got a real shock when I read this passage.
Reader 2: Why? It seemed OK to me.
1: Well, it’s not OK. It tells about Jesus preaching and teaching and nobody pays any attention and we’re not told a word about what he said.
2: What are you talking about? Jesus was a very good preacher. It says that several times in the Bible, that the people heard him gladly.
1: Not this time. Jesus borrows a boat so he can speak to the people on the shore a bit more easily. Then when he’s finished, he asks Peter who owned the boat, how the fishing had been. Peter said it was the pits. They worked all night and caught nothing. So Jesus tells them to try again and this time they almost sink the boat. Then Jesus tells them to come and follow him and they do that, leaving their boats and the whole mess of fish sitting right there. And nobody says anything about what Jesus was preaching.
2: You know, you’re right. The sermon they were watching was more interesting than the sermon that Jesus had just preached.
1: What I want to know is, what happened to all those fish? Did they just sit there in the boat and rot?
2: Maybe each person in the crowd got to take home a fish for lunch. A kind of slippery door prize.
1: I just thought of something. It says that Peter and James and John were washing their nets while Jesus was preaching. Maybe they were listening to the sermon as they worked. Maybe that’s why they just up and followed Jesus.
2: Enough of this. Let’s hear the scripture. It’s from Luke’s gospel.
SLIGHT PAUSE
1: Once while Jesus was standing beside the lake of Gennesaret, and the crowd was pressing in on him to hear the word of God, he saw two boats there at the shore of the lake; the fishermen had gone out of them and were washing their nets.
2: Jesus got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little way from the shore. Then he sat down and taught the crowds from the boat. When he had finished speaking, he spoke to Simon.
1: "Put out into the deep water and let down your nets for a catch."
2: "Master, we have worked all night long but have caught nothing. Yet if you say so, I will let down the nets."
1: When they had done this, they caught so many fish that their nets were beginning to break. So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them. And they came and filled both boats, so that they began to sink.
2: But when Simon Peter saw it, he fell down at Jesus' knees.
1: "Go away from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man!"
2: Simon and all who were with him were amazed at the catch of fish that they had taken. And so also were James and John, sons of Zebedee, who were partners with Simon.
1: Then Jesus spoke to Simon.
2: "Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching people."
1: When they had brought their boats to shore, they left everything and followed him.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.)
It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this:
“There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below].
If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend.
If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks.
I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission.
You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor."
... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS:
To Subscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail
* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up.
.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Please Write –
If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.
All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2010-01-31
January 31, 2010
A PREACHING LESSON
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
This is still one of those issues that’s written ahead so Bev and I can bask in the sunshine for a bit. That means there’s not much in the way of readers’ contributions. But that doesn’t mean you should stop sending them. I’ll collect them all together so that the first few issues after we get home should be a gas.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Story – the worst or the best sermon
Rumors – the fisherfolk club
Soft Edges –
Bloopers – the king’s bras
Mirabile Dictu! – the sale of cabbage
Bottom of the Barrel – paving stones
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 5:1-11
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rib Tickler – A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store looking for something a bit unusual. He finally settled on a talking centipede, the kind that really does have a hundred legs.
The next day being Sunday, he decides to take the centipede to church. He goes up to the little centipede box and says, "Would you like to go to church with me today?”
There’s no answer.
A few minutes later he tried again. "How about going to church with me?
Again, no answer.
He waits a few minutes more, then realizes they’ll be late if they don’t get going soon. This time he yells, "Hey, you in there! Would you like to go to church with me? I mean, it’s Palm Sunday y’know!"
A tiny, bug-like voice comes out of the box. "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, February 7th, which is the Fifth Sunday after the Epiphany, Year C.
* Isaiah 6:1-8, (9-13)
* Psalm 138
* 1 Corinthians 15:1-11
* Luke 5:1-11
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Luke 5:1-11
Ralph says –
First of all, Gennesaret is just another name for the Lake of Galilee. It’s a fair bit below sea level and hence has an almost tropical climate. It’s a lovely lake to swim in.
In this story, Simon (aka Peter) wins the lottery. He’s been out there all night working his butt off, and catches almost nothing. Then Jesus tells him to try again and they fill up the boat.
Peter’s a bit like a guy who wins the lottery, but then never goes to cash in the winning ticket. Peter doesn’t take that haul of fish to the market to sell so he doesn’t benefit from the bonanza. He and his partners, James and John, just leave everything there and follow Jesus. Which makes no economic sense.
It doesn’t make economic sense for a smart person with good people skills to go into the ministry, either. There’s way more money to be made selling something.
Nor does it make economic sense for dedicated laypeople to spend all that time studying their faith and working in the outreach ministry of the church.
These three men go stumbling over their nets and boats and follow Jesus, and the crowd that saw all this witnessed a sermon in action that was more powerful than the one Jesus preached. Luke doesn’t tell us a thing that Jesus said in that sermon. Nor does he say whether Simon and his buds were paying attention. He tells us what they did.
And we’re still talking about it.
Isaiah 6:1-8, (9-13) – Unlike Jeremiah’s call to prophecy which we looked at last week, Isaiah’s call would have brought out CNN and Fox and more photographers than the Vancouver Olympics. Jeremiah’s call could have been very private. Isaiah’s was full of lights and noise and smoke.
Unless, of course, it all happened in his imagination which may be more likely. So call off the media.
What this does illustrate is that calls to prophecy, to ministry, to service, to faith, can take many forms. Many forms.
And one is not more valid than the other.
Psalm 138 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
In biblical times, worshipers prostrated themselves on the ground before the Holy of Holies, while reciting Psalm 138. For us, it's a strange position from which to express gratitude.
1 This is your turf, your home, your territory.
I am so glad to be here, God, that I kiss the earth you walk on.
2 I fling myself into the dust, the floor of your dwelling.
I extend my arms to embrace your earth.
But you lift me up from my humble position.
You take me in as your guest.
You have made me one of your family;
you have even given me your name!
3 You have taken me under your wing.
When I cry out, you cover me;
I benefit from your strength.
4 Foxes may lord it over the chicken coop, and squirrels over the sparrow's nest,
But no creatures challenge the eagle's rule;
They cower before the eagle's eye and ruthless claws.
5 As the eagle soars above the field mice,
so do you, Lord, rise above us mortals.
6 Daily duties keep us scurrying close to the earth.
But you watch over us from on high;
you can see danger long before it draws near.
7 Troubles grow around us like tall grass
But in the shadow of your outspread pinions, predators scatter
Like leaves before an autumn wind.
8 There is a place for me in your plans.
You will never abandon me.
You will work out your purpose for me, no matter how long it takes.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
1 Corinthians 15:1-11 – In this passage Paul talks about his call to ministry which was also pretty dramatic. And it involved a 180 degree turn from being a persecutor to being a promoter.
Paul calls himself the “least of the apostles,” but his humility loses a bit of its shine when he goes on to claim that he worked harder than all of them, though of course, it wasn’t him it was the grace of God. I imagine a bit of a nervous laugh here, which of course isn’t recorded.
In the story, “Isaiah Becomes a Prophet,” I have his friend Rebekah talk to Isaiah about becoming a prophet. It’s in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C,” page 59. Then there’s a story called “Simon Gets a New Job” on page 62 based on the Luke passage.
Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rumors – There are many versions of this story. But basically it goes something like this.
There was a group that called themselves The Fisherfolk Club. They started out as a gathering of people who earned their living fishing in the ocean. At first, only real fisherfolk could join. But not wanting to be selfish, and because they had nice facilities that needed to be paid for, they invited others to come in too.
In the club headquarters there were fish symbols galore, hooks, nets, and floats and rods. All the members of the club, even those who were not fishers, wore old hats with lures stuck in them and tall wading boots which got quite uncomfortable on warm days. But they were proud to be fishers and so never took them off.
They had a well-stocked library of books about fishing. And several times a year they ran seminars to which world-renounced fishers were invited to come and deliver learned lectures. All the talk and all the activities of the club centered around fishing, but as the years went by, fewer and fewer of the members actually went out fishing.
Then one day, the club had a new member. They had not had a new member for some time, so this was an interesting experience. And the new member asked an interesting question. “When do you go fishing?”
Well, it turned out that members of The Fisherfolk Club had never caught a fish. In fact, they had never actually seen a live fish. And the idea that they should go out there in a boat or wade into the water came as quite a shock to them.
They had long meetings on the subject and finally came to the conclusion that the new member would have to leave. The new member obviously knew very little about what it really meant to be a member of The Fisherfolk Club.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – From the file
* The King's Bras will present a concert at our church this evening at 6:00 pm.
* A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.’
* After receiving the communion elements, the altar is open for prayer and medication.
* Amazing Grace: “I once was found, but now I’m lost ...”
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Wish I’d Said That! – from the file
I can only please one person per day. This is not your day.
source unknown
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue.
source unknown
The things that count most in life are the things that can't be counted.
source unknown
If you are not treated as you deserve, be thankful.
source unknown
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “sale of cabbage!”) Here’s how long it takes to say things:
* Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
* The Lord’s Prayer: 66 words.
* Archimedes’ Principle: 67 words.
* The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
* The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
* The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
* Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bottom of the Barrel – There once was a rich man who was dying. While on his death bed, he tried to negotiate with God to be allowed to bring his earthly treasures with him to heaven. “God, please, I have worked so hard to accumulate all these riches. Can’t I bring them along?”
“This is very unusual” said God, “but since you have been such a faithful steward, I will allow you to bring along one suitcase.”
The man immediately had a servant fill a large suitcase with gold bricks. Shortly thereafter he died.
When the man arrived at the Pearly Gates, he was stopped by St. Peter. “I’m sorry sir, but you know the rules. You can’t take it with you. You may enter, but the suitcase has to stay outside.”
“But God told me I could bring one suitcase,” the man protested.
“Well, if God says it’s OK then I guess it’s OK, but I still need to examine the contents before you can enter.”
St. Peter takes the suitcase from the man, opens it, and looks very puzzled. “You brought paving stones?”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 5:1-11
Reader 1: I got a real shock when I read this passage.
Reader 2: Why? It seemed OK to me.
1: Well, it’s not OK. It tells about Jesus preaching and teaching and nobody pays any attention and we’re not told a word about what he said.
2: What are you talking about? Jesus was a very good preacher. It says that several times in the Bible, that the people heard him gladly.
1: Not this time. Jesus borrows a boat so he can speak to the people on the shore a bit more easily. Then when he’s finished, he asks Peter who owned the boat, how the fishing had been. Peter said it was the pits. They worked all night and caught nothing. So Jesus tells them to try again and this time they almost sink the boat. Then Jesus tells them to come and follow him and they do that, leaving their boats and the whole mess of fish sitting right there. And nobody says anything about what Jesus was preaching.
2: You know, you’re right. The sermon they were watching was more interesting than the sermon that Jesus had just preached.
1: What I want to know is, what happened to all those fish? Did they just sit there in the boat and rot?
2: Maybe each person in the crowd got to take home a fish for lunch. A kind of slippery door prize.
1: I just thought of something. It says that Peter and James and John were washing their nets while Jesus was preaching. Maybe they were listening to the sermon as they worked. Maybe that’s why they just up and followed Jesus.
2: Enough of this. Let’s hear the scripture. It’s from Luke’s gospel.
SLIGHT PAUSE
1: Once while Jesus was standing beside the lake of Gennesaret, and the crowd was pressing in on him to hear the word of God, he saw two boats there at the shore of the lake; the fishermen had gone out of them and were washing their nets.
2: Jesus got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little way from the shore. Then he sat down and taught the crowds from the boat. When he had finished speaking, he spoke to Simon.
1: "Put out into the deep water and let down your nets for a catch."
2: "Master, we have worked all night long but have caught nothing. Yet if you say so, I will let down the nets."
1: When they had done this, they caught so many fish that their nets were beginning to break. So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them. And they came and filled both boats, so that they began to sink.
2: But when Simon Peter saw it, he fell down at Jesus' knees.
1: "Go away from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man!"
2: Simon and all who were with him were amazed at the catch of fish that they had taken. And so also were James and John, sons of Zebedee, who were partners with Simon.
1: Then Jesus spoke to Simon.
2: "Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching people."
1: When they had brought their boats to shore, they left everything and followed him.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.)
It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this:
“There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below].
If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend.
If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks.
I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission.
You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor."
... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS:
To Subscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail
* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up.
.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Please Write –
If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.
All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Preaching Materials for February 7th, 2010
R U M O R S # 587
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2010-01-31
January 31, 2010
A PREACHING LESSON
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
This is still one of those issues that’s written ahead so Bev and I can bask in the sunshine for a bit. That means there’s not much in the way of readers’ contributions. But that doesn’t mean you should stop sending them. I’ll collect them all together so that the first few issues after we get home should be a gas.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Story – the worst or the best sermon
Rumors – the fisherfolk club
Soft Edges –
Bloopers – the king’s bras
Mirabile Dictu! – the sale of cabbage
Bottom of the Barrel – paving stones
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 5:1-11
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rib Tickler – A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store looking for something a bit unusual. He finally settled on a talking centipede, the kind that really does have a hundred legs.
The next day being Sunday, he decides to take the centipede to church. He goes up to the little centipede box and says, "Would you like to go to church with me today?”
There’s no answer.
A few minutes later he tried again. "How about going to church with me?
Again, no answer.
He waits a few minutes more, then realizes they’ll be late if they don’t get going soon. This time he yells, "Hey, you in there! Would you like to go to church with me? I mean, it’s Palm Sunday y’know!"
A tiny, bug-like voice comes out of the box. "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, February 7th, which is the Fifth Sunday after the Epiphany, Year C.
* Isaiah 6:1-8, (9-13)
* Psalm 138
* 1 Corinthians 15:1-11
* Luke 5:1-11
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Luke 5:1-11
Ralph says –
First of all, Gennesaret is just another name for the Lake of Galilee. It’s a fair bit below sea level and hence has an almost tropical climate. It’s a lovely lake to swim in.
In this story, Simon (aka Peter) wins the lottery. He’s been out there all night working his butt off, and catches almost nothing. Then Jesus tells him to try again and they fill up the boat.
Peter’s a bit like a guy who wins the lottery, but then never goes to cash in the winning ticket. Peter doesn’t take that haul of fish to the market to sell so he doesn’t benefit from the bonanza. He and his partners, James and John, just leave everything there and follow Jesus. Which makes no economic sense.
It doesn’t make economic sense for a smart person with good people skills to go into the ministry, either. There’s way more money to be made selling something.
Nor does it make economic sense for dedicated laypeople to spend all that time studying their faith and working in the outreach ministry of the church.
These three men go stumbling over their nets and boats and follow Jesus, and the crowd that saw all this witnessed a sermon in action that was more powerful than the one Jesus preached. Luke doesn’t tell us a thing that Jesus said in that sermon. Nor does he say whether Simon and his buds were paying attention. He tells us what they did.
And we’re still talking about it.
Isaiah 6:1-8, (9-13) – Unlike Jeremiah’s call to prophecy which we looked at last week, Isaiah’s call would have brought out CNN and Fox and more photographers than the Vancouver Olympics. Jeremiah’s call could have been very private. Isaiah’s was full of lights and noise and smoke.
Unless, of course, it all happened in his imagination which may be more likely. So call off the media.
What this does illustrate is that calls to prophecy, to ministry, to service, to faith, can take many forms. Many forms.
And one is not more valid than the other.
Psalm 138 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
In biblical times, worshipers prostrated themselves on the ground before the Holy of Holies, while reciting Psalm 138. For us, it's a strange position from which to express gratitude.
1 This is your turf, your home, your territory.
I am so glad to be here, God, that I kiss the earth you walk on.
2 I fling myself into the dust, the floor of your dwelling.
I extend my arms to embrace your earth.
But you lift me up from my humble position.
You take me in as your guest.
You have made me one of your family;
you have even given me your name!
3 You have taken me under your wing.
When I cry out, you cover me;
I benefit from your strength.
4 Foxes may lord it over the chicken coop, and squirrels over the sparrow's nest,
But no creatures challenge the eagle's rule;
They cower before the eagle's eye and ruthless claws.
5 As the eagle soars above the field mice,
so do you, Lord, rise above us mortals.
6 Daily duties keep us scurrying close to the earth.
But you watch over us from on high;
you can see danger long before it draws near.
7 Troubles grow around us like tall grass
But in the shadow of your outspread pinions, predators scatter
Like leaves before an autumn wind.
8 There is a place for me in your plans.
You will never abandon me.
You will work out your purpose for me, no matter how long it takes.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
1 Corinthians 15:1-11 – In this passage Paul talks about his call to ministry which was also pretty dramatic. And it involved a 180 degree turn from being a persecutor to being a promoter.
Paul calls himself the “least of the apostles,” but his humility loses a bit of its shine when he goes on to claim that he worked harder than all of them, though of course, it wasn’t him it was the grace of God. I imagine a bit of a nervous laugh here, which of course isn’t recorded.
In the story, “Isaiah Becomes a Prophet,” I have his friend Rebekah talk to Isaiah about becoming a prophet. It’s in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C,” page 59. Then there’s a story called “Simon Gets a New Job” on page 62 based on the Luke passage.
Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rumors – There are many versions of this story. But basically it goes something like this.
There was a group that called themselves The Fisherfolk Club. They started out as a gathering of people who earned their living fishing in the ocean. At first, only real fisherfolk could join. But not wanting to be selfish, and because they had nice facilities that needed to be paid for, they invited others to come in too.
In the club headquarters there were fish symbols galore, hooks, nets, and floats and rods. All the members of the club, even those who were not fishers, wore old hats with lures stuck in them and tall wading boots which got quite uncomfortable on warm days. But they were proud to be fishers and so never took them off.
They had a well-stocked library of books about fishing. And several times a year they ran seminars to which world-renounced fishers were invited to come and deliver learned lectures. All the talk and all the activities of the club centered around fishing, but as the years went by, fewer and fewer of the members actually went out fishing.
Then one day, the club had a new member. They had not had a new member for some time, so this was an interesting experience. And the new member asked an interesting question. “When do you go fishing?”
Well, it turned out that members of The Fisherfolk Club had never caught a fish. In fact, they had never actually seen a live fish. And the idea that they should go out there in a boat or wade into the water came as quite a shock to them.
They had long meetings on the subject and finally came to the conclusion that the new member would have to leave. The new member obviously knew very little about what it really meant to be a member of The Fisherfolk Club.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – From the file
* The King's Bras will present a concert at our church this evening at 6:00 pm.
* A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.’
* After receiving the communion elements, the altar is open for prayer and medication.
* Amazing Grace: “I once was found, but now I’m lost ...”
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Wish I’d Said That! – from the file
I can only please one person per day. This is not your day.
source unknown
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue.
source unknown
The things that count most in life are the things that can't be counted.
source unknown
If you are not treated as you deserve, be thankful.
source unknown
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “sale of cabbage!”)
Here’s how long it takes to say things:
* Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.* The Lord’s Prayer: 66 words.* Archimedes’ Principle: 67 words.* The 10 Commandments: 179 words.* The Gettysburg address: 286 words.* The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.* Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bottom of the Barrel – There once was a rich man who was dying. While on his death bed, he tried to negotiate with God to be allowed to bring his earthly treasures with him to heaven. “God, please, I have worked so hard to accumulate all these riches. Can’t I bring them along?”
“This is very unusual” said God, “but since you have been such a faithful steward, I will allow you to bring along one suitcase.”
The man immediately had a servant fill a large suitcase with gold bricks. Shortly thereafter he died.
When the man arrived at the Pearly Gates, he was stopped by St. Peter. “I’m sorry sir, but you know the rules. You can’t take it with you. You may enter, but the suitcase has to stay outside.”
“But God told me I could bring one suitcase,” the man protested.
“Well, if God says it’s OK then I guess it’s OK, but I still need to examine the contents before you can enter.”
St. Peter takes the suitcase from the man, opens it, and looks very puzzled. “You brought paving stones?”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 5:1-11
Reader 1: I got a real shock when I read this passage.
Reader 2: Why? It seemed OK to me.
1: Well, it’s not OK. It tells about Jesus preaching and teaching and nobody pays any attention and we’re not told a word about what he said.
2: What are you talking about? Jesus was a very good preacher. It says that several times in the Bible, that the people heard him gladly.
1: Not this time. Jesus borrows a boat so he can speak to the people on the shore a bit more easily. Then when he’s finished, he asks Peter who owned the boat, how the fishing had been. Peter said it was the pits. They worked all night and caught nothing. So Jesus tells them to try again and this time they almost sink the boat. Then Jesus tells them to come and follow him and they do that, leaving their boats and the whole mess of fish sitting right there. And nobody says anything about what Jesus was preaching.
2: You know, you’re right. The sermon they were watching was more interesting than the sermon that Jesus had just preached.
1: What I want to know is, what happened to all those fish? Did they just sit there in the boat and rot?
2: Maybe each person in the crowd got to take home a fish for lunch. A kind of slippery door prize.
1: I just thought of something. It says that Peter and James and John were washing their nets while Jesus was preaching. Maybe they were listening to the sermon as they worked. Maybe that’s why they just up and followed Jesus.
2: Enough of this. Let’s hear the scripture. It’s from Luke’s gospel.SLIGHT PAUSE
1: Once while Jesus was standing beside the lake of Gennesaret, and the crowd was pressing in on him to hear the word of God, he saw two boats there at the shore of the lake; the fishermen had gone out of them and were washing their nets.2: Jesus got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little way from the shore. Then he sat down and taught the crowds from the boat. When he had finished speaking, he spoke to Simon.
1: "Put out into the deep water and let down your nets for a catch."2: "Master, we have worked all night long but have caught nothing. Yet if you say so, I will let down the nets."1: When they had done this, they caught so many fish that their nets were beginning to break. So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them. And they came and filled both boats, so that they began to sink.
2: But when Simon Peter saw it, he fell down at Jesus' knees.
1: "Go away from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man!"2: Simon and all who were with him were amazed at the catch of fish that they had taken. And so also were James and John, sons of Zebedee, who were partners with Simon.
1: Then Jesus spoke to Simon.
2: "Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching people."1: When they had brought their boats to shore, they left everything and followed him.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2010-01-31
January 31, 2010
A PREACHING LESSON
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Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
This is still one of those issues that’s written ahead so Bev and I can bask in the sunshine for a bit. That means there’s not much in the way of readers’ contributions. But that doesn’t mean you should stop sending them. I’ll collect them all together so that the first few issues after we get home should be a gas.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Story – the worst or the best sermon
Rumors – the fisherfolk club
Soft Edges –
Bloopers – the king’s bras
Mirabile Dictu! – the sale of cabbage
Bottom of the Barrel – paving stones
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 5:1-11
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rib Tickler – A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store looking for something a bit unusual. He finally settled on a talking centipede, the kind that really does have a hundred legs.
The next day being Sunday, he decides to take the centipede to church. He goes up to the little centipede box and says, "Would you like to go to church with me today?”
There’s no answer.
A few minutes later he tried again. "How about going to church with me?
Again, no answer.
He waits a few minutes more, then realizes they’ll be late if they don’t get going soon. This time he yells, "Hey, you in there! Would you like to go to church with me? I mean, it’s Palm Sunday y’know!"
A tiny, bug-like voice comes out of the box. "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, February 7th, which is the Fifth Sunday after the Epiphany, Year C.
* Isaiah 6:1-8, (9-13)
* Psalm 138
* 1 Corinthians 15:1-11
* Luke 5:1-11
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Luke 5:1-11
Ralph says –
First of all, Gennesaret is just another name for the Lake of Galilee. It’s a fair bit below sea level and hence has an almost tropical climate. It’s a lovely lake to swim in.
In this story, Simon (aka Peter) wins the lottery. He’s been out there all night working his butt off, and catches almost nothing. Then Jesus tells him to try again and they fill up the boat.
Peter’s a bit like a guy who wins the lottery, but then never goes to cash in the winning ticket. Peter doesn’t take that haul of fish to the market to sell so he doesn’t benefit from the bonanza. He and his partners, James and John, just leave everything there and follow Jesus. Which makes no economic sense.
It doesn’t make economic sense for a smart person with good people skills to go into the ministry, either. There’s way more money to be made selling something.
Nor does it make economic sense for dedicated laypeople to spend all that time studying their faith and working in the outreach ministry of the church.
These three men go stumbling over their nets and boats and follow Jesus, and the crowd that saw all this witnessed a sermon in action that was more powerful than the one Jesus preached. Luke doesn’t tell us a thing that Jesus said in that sermon. Nor does he say whether Simon and his buds were paying attention. He tells us what they did.
And we’re still talking about it.
Isaiah 6:1-8, (9-13) – Unlike Jeremiah’s call to prophecy which we looked at last week, Isaiah’s call would have brought out CNN and Fox and more photographers than the Vancouver Olympics. Jeremiah’s call could have been very private. Isaiah’s was full of lights and noise and smoke.
Unless, of course, it all happened in his imagination which may be more likely. So call off the media.
What this does illustrate is that calls to prophecy, to ministry, to service, to faith, can take many forms. Many forms.
And one is not more valid than the other.
Psalm 138 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
In biblical times, worshipers prostrated themselves on the ground before the Holy of Holies, while reciting Psalm 138. For us, it's a strange position from which to express gratitude.
1 This is your turf, your home, your territory.
I am so glad to be here, God, that I kiss the earth you walk on.
2 I fling myself into the dust, the floor of your dwelling.
I extend my arms to embrace your earth.
But you lift me up from my humble position.
You take me in as your guest.
You have made me one of your family;
you have even given me your name!
3 You have taken me under your wing.
When I cry out, you cover me;
I benefit from your strength.
4 Foxes may lord it over the chicken coop, and squirrels over the sparrow's nest,
But no creatures challenge the eagle's rule;
They cower before the eagle's eye and ruthless claws.
5 As the eagle soars above the field mice,
so do you, Lord, rise above us mortals.
6 Daily duties keep us scurrying close to the earth.
But you watch over us from on high;
you can see danger long before it draws near.
7 Troubles grow around us like tall grass
But in the shadow of your outspread pinions, predators scatter
Like leaves before an autumn wind.
8 There is a place for me in your plans.
You will never abandon me.
You will work out your purpose for me, no matter how long it takes.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
1 Corinthians 15:1-11 – In this passage Paul talks about his call to ministry which was also pretty dramatic. And it involved a 180 degree turn from being a persecutor to being a promoter.
Paul calls himself the “least of the apostles,” but his humility loses a bit of its shine when he goes on to claim that he worked harder than all of them, though of course, it wasn’t him it was the grace of God. I imagine a bit of a nervous laugh here, which of course isn’t recorded.
In the story, “Isaiah Becomes a Prophet,” I have his friend Rebekah talk to Isaiah about becoming a prophet. It’s in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year C,” page 59. Then there’s a story called “Simon Gets a New Job” on page 62 based on the Luke passage.
Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rumors – There are many versions of this story. But basically it goes something like this.
There was a group that called themselves The Fisherfolk Club. They started out as a gathering of people who earned their living fishing in the ocean. At first, only real fisherfolk could join. But not wanting to be selfish, and because they had nice facilities that needed to be paid for, they invited others to come in too.
In the club headquarters there were fish symbols galore, hooks, nets, and floats and rods. All the members of the club, even those who were not fishers, wore old hats with lures stuck in them and tall wading boots which got quite uncomfortable on warm days. But they were proud to be fishers and so never took them off.
They had a well-stocked library of books about fishing. And several times a year they ran seminars to which world-renounced fishers were invited to come and deliver learned lectures. All the talk and all the activities of the club centered around fishing, but as the years went by, fewer and fewer of the members actually went out fishing.
Then one day, the club had a new member. They had not had a new member for some time, so this was an interesting experience. And the new member asked an interesting question. “When do you go fishing?”
Well, it turned out that members of The Fisherfolk Club had never caught a fish. In fact, they had never actually seen a live fish. And the idea that they should go out there in a boat or wade into the water came as quite a shock to them.
They had long meetings on the subject and finally came to the conclusion that the new member would have to leave. The new member obviously knew very little about what it really meant to be a member of The Fisherfolk Club.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – From the file
* The King's Bras will present a concert at our church this evening at 6:00 pm.
* A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.’
* After receiving the communion elements, the altar is open for prayer and medication.
* Amazing Grace: “I once was found, but now I’m lost ...”
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Wish I’d Said That! – from the file
I can only please one person per day. This is not your day.
source unknown
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue.
source unknown
The things that count most in life are the things that can't be counted.
source unknown
If you are not treated as you deserve, be thankful.
source unknown
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “sale of cabbage!”)
Here’s how long it takes to say things:
* Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.* The Lord’s Prayer: 66 words.* Archimedes’ Principle: 67 words.* The 10 Commandments: 179 words.* The Gettysburg address: 286 words.* The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.* Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bottom of the Barrel – There once was a rich man who was dying. While on his death bed, he tried to negotiate with God to be allowed to bring his earthly treasures with him to heaven. “God, please, I have worked so hard to accumulate all these riches. Can’t I bring them along?”
“This is very unusual” said God, “but since you have been such a faithful steward, I will allow you to bring along one suitcase.”
The man immediately had a servant fill a large suitcase with gold bricks. Shortly thereafter he died.
When the man arrived at the Pearly Gates, he was stopped by St. Peter. “I’m sorry sir, but you know the rules. You can’t take it with you. You may enter, but the suitcase has to stay outside.”
“But God told me I could bring one suitcase,” the man protested.
“Well, if God says it’s OK then I guess it’s OK, but I still need to examine the contents before you can enter.”
St. Peter takes the suitcase from the man, opens it, and looks very puzzled. “You brought paving stones?”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Luke 5:1-11
Reader 1: I got a real shock when I read this passage.
Reader 2: Why? It seemed OK to me.
1: Well, it’s not OK. It tells about Jesus preaching and teaching and nobody pays any attention and we’re not told a word about what he said.
2: What are you talking about? Jesus was a very good preacher. It says that several times in the Bible, that the people heard him gladly.
1: Not this time. Jesus borrows a boat so he can speak to the people on the shore a bit more easily. Then when he’s finished, he asks Peter who owned the boat, how the fishing had been. Peter said it was the pits. They worked all night and caught nothing. So Jesus tells them to try again and this time they almost sink the boat. Then Jesus tells them to come and follow him and they do that, leaving their boats and the whole mess of fish sitting right there. And nobody says anything about what Jesus was preaching.
2: You know, you’re right. The sermon they were watching was more interesting than the sermon that Jesus had just preached.
1: What I want to know is, what happened to all those fish? Did they just sit there in the boat and rot?
2: Maybe each person in the crowd got to take home a fish for lunch. A kind of slippery door prize.
1: I just thought of something. It says that Peter and James and John were washing their nets while Jesus was preaching. Maybe they were listening to the sermon as they worked. Maybe that’s why they just up and followed Jesus.
2: Enough of this. Let’s hear the scripture. It’s from Luke’s gospel.SLIGHT PAUSE
1: Once while Jesus was standing beside the lake of Gennesaret, and the crowd was pressing in on him to hear the word of God, he saw two boats there at the shore of the lake; the fishermen had gone out of them and were washing their nets.2: Jesus got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little way from the shore. Then he sat down and taught the crowds from the boat. When he had finished speaking, he spoke to Simon.
1: "Put out into the deep water and let down your nets for a catch."2: "Master, we have worked all night long but have caught nothing. Yet if you say so, I will let down the nets."1: When they had done this, they caught so many fish that their nets were beginning to break. So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them. And they came and filled both boats, so that they began to sink.
2: But when Simon Peter saw it, he fell down at Jesus' knees.
1: "Go away from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man!"2: Simon and all who were with him were amazed at the catch of fish that they had taken. And so also were James and John, sons of Zebedee, who were partners with Simon.
1: Then Jesus spoke to Simon.
2: "Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching people."1: When they had brought their boats to shore, they left everything and followed him.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Preaching Materials for January 31st, 2010
R U M O R S # 586
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2010-01-24
January 24, 2010
A WILD AND WONDERFUL PROPHET
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Note: Usually Rumors relies on your letters to provide much of the content in Rumors. In this, and the next several issues, you’ll notice that most of the stuff comes from my barrel. That’s because Bev and I are soaking up a bit of sunshine and these issues have been written in advance. Hope you don’t mind too much.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Story – passionate and powerful
Rumors – a fire in the belly
Soft Edges –
Bloopers – three every hour
Mirabile Dictu! – reincarnation
Bottom of the Barrel – white man
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Jeremiah 1:4-10
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rib Tickler – At the Baptist Women’s Missionary gathering in the Maritimes, one of the leaders had brought an inflatable globe to show where the various countries of the world are located.
But when she was ready to use it, her “world” had sprung a leak, and the globe had shrunk. She used the problem to make a point. “It’s marvelous! When you get rid of a lot of the hot air, how small this world is.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, January 31st, which is the 4th Sunday after the Epiphany.
* Jeremiah 1:4-10
* Psalm 71:1-6
* 1 Corinthians 13:1-13
* Luke 4:21-30 (Note: We tacked this on to last week’s reading to make it a complete story.)
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Jeremiah 1:4-10
Ralph says –
I’ve always liked Jeremiah. He was just slightly nuts which is what a prophet needs to be to have the chutzpah to carry it off. He also used audio visuals and objects lessons to good effect – throwing around jars, walking around naked – that sort of thing.
Jeremiah was passionate and powerful and that shows in his call. There’s no sense that God might have been looking for a prophet one day and Jeremiah happened to walk by. Jeremiah was chosen by a God who knew him intimately from the moment of conception – possibly close to a virgin birth story because the word “knew” here was almost always used to indicate sexual intimacy.
And Jeremiah’s just a kid. The commentators say about 14 or 15, and there is God telling him to go and prophecy to the nations. That must have been interesting – a beardless boy prophesying to rulers of nations.
I’ve always liked Jeremiah because he’s wild and crazy and not all that good at what he does. But he does it with such passion and flair you can’t help but believe that God is inside this man goading him on.
Psalm 71:1-6 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
The psalm is entitled an old man's prayer, but it could equally well be a young child. Both are vulnerable and dependent on others. I chose to paraphrase from the child's viewpoint. Every one of us has been a child; only a few of us have been old – yet.
1 Don't let them make fun of me.
Let me hide myself behind your skirts.
2 Comfort me and protect me;
listen to my fears, and enfold me in your arms.
3 When I am in trouble, I run to you.
I have no one but you to rely on.
4 The bigger kids won't leave me alone;
their greedy hands keep grabbing at me.
Rescue me from their clutches.
5 From the time I was tiny, you have been my refuge.
I have always been able to trust you.
6 Before I was born, I felt safe in your womb.
As an infant, I rested on your breast.
You are all I have, and all I ever had.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 – This may be the best-known passage in the whole Bible. Certainly it’s the one that’s heard at weddings and funerals. But I wouldn’t read it to the congregation unless I was going to talk about it, because within its profound truth there is a lie. So much popular psychology and music and poetry and rhetoric talks about love. But by itself this love is sentimental mush. Love, as simply a felt emotion, is as sincere and as real as the drunk careening down the street proclaiming, “I love everybody.”
Love and justice are two sides of the same coin. Paul says as much in this poem, but it’s very easy to miss.
There’s a children’s version of Jeremiah’s call in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 55. It’s called, “Jeremiah Becomes a Prophet.” And there’s a children’s version of the famous 1 Corinthians 13 on page 57 titled, “Paul’s Song About Love.”
Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rumors – Jeremiah
"...a fire in my belly that had to get out!"
From “Is This Your Idea of a Good Time, God?” by Ralph Milton, Wood Lake Books, 1995.
Jeremiah Confronts God
Look, Lord. I know I shouldn't talk to you this way. But we've had a pretty good relationship, you and me.
Besides I can't help it. I think I've been had. I think you, yes you God, pulled a fast one on me.
I know you're busy taking care of the whole world, but try to remember, if it's not too much trouble.
I was just a kid, remember. Pink cheeks. No beard. And you grabbed me by the insides one day and told me to be a prophet.
Me. A prophet. I didn't even know what a prophet did. And I told you so, but oh, no. You wouldn't let me go. "I'll put the words right in your mouth," you told me. Do you remember that? I don't think you do.
I don't think you remember a bit of it because if those are your words, why doesn't anybody pay attention? Ha? Why do they all laugh at me, spit on me, call me names?
I use your words God. Your words, not mine. "Violence and destruction," I tell them, "violence and destruction unless you repent and do what God is asking of you."
I do everything I can think of to get their attention. I throw pots around, put a yoke around my neck. Once I even walked around naked. Stark naked, God. That got them talking but not about my prophecy. They just wanted to send me to the funny farm.
Even my own family. They think I've flipped. They think I'm a nut case. It's not so bad when they yell at me, it's when they try to be kind and patronizing. "Now, just try not to get too upset, Jeremiah. You just need a little rest, that's all." Damn!
So for awhile, I didn't say a thing. Nothing. Quiet as a mouse. My mother loved it. You know what I got out of it. A sore stomach. A big old-fashioned gut ache. A fire in my belly that just had to get out. I couldn't keep quiet about the things I saw, I just couldn't.
And you're sitting up there laughing at that, aren't you God. You knew I couldn't keep it in.
Damn! I wish I'd never been born. I wish my mother and father had never been born. I wish I'd died while my mother was still pregnant.
Damn!
So what do I do? You are God, and I'm just a poor underpaid prophet and I have no choice but to go with it. And it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't really believe those words you give me to say. I do, you know. You've taken over all right God. You've taken over my head, and yes, even my heart. The plain unvarnished truth is that I really love you God and really do want people to hear what you have to say.
But I'm still mad at you, God.
Really mad.
And I'm going to stay mad just as long as I can, because being a prophet is no piece of cake. It's no walk in the rose garden.
Do you hear that God? Are you listening?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – from the file
* We are always happy to have you sue our facility.
* Hymn: I Need Three Every Hour.
* All children are requested to bring fresh followers to decorate the cross for Easter Sunday.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Wish I’d Said That! –
Joy is the feeling of grinning inside.
Dr. Melba Colgrove
When the church service is over, it is time for your service to begin.
source unknown
Religious differences are not nearly so disastrous as religious indifferences.
source unknown
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “reincarnation!”)
Signs you're the reincarnation of someone famous:
* During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbor’s pets.
* When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to her.
* Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, you think she's beautiful and has a lovely singing voice.
* While working under the sink, you get this insatiable urge to paint a church ceiling.
* Out of luck winos are bringing you jugs of water.
* You're found writing down rules of the office on giant stone tablets.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bottom of the Barrel – The Lone Ranger and Tonto are surrounded by Indians. LR says, "Tonto, there are Indians on the north of us, on the south of us, on the east of us and on the west of us. We are surrounded! What are we going to do?" Tonto gives the LR a long stare. "What do you mean 'we,' white man?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Jeremiah 1:4-10
Reader 1: I really like the prophet Jeremiah. You know why?
Reader 2: No, why?
1: Because he was a little bit nuts. A little out of touch with reality. He smashed clay pots. Once he even walked around naked.
2: Some guys’ll do anything to get attention.
1: No, it wasn’t primarily to get attention. Jeremiah was making a point. The nation Israel was going to get smashed like that pot. It would be stripped of everything it had and would be naked.
2: The reading today is about Jeremiah’s call. God telling Jeremiah he was going to be a prophet.
1: And Jeremiah protests. “Hey, God, I’m just a kid. I don’t know how to preach.” But God tells Jeremiah he was picked out to be a prophet even before he was conceived in his mother’s womb.
2: I sort of imagine all this happening in a big temple, with smoke and fire and lots of pyrotechnics.
1: The passage doesn’t say anything like that. This could have been Jeremiah, all alone somewhere, having his conversation with God.
2: So let’s read it. This is from the book of Jeremiah.
SLIGHT PAUSE
1: Now the word of the LORD came. And this is what I was told.
2: "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you. I appointed you a prophet to the nations."
1: "But, Lord GOD! Really, I do not know how to speak, for I am only a boy."
2: "Do not say, 'I am only a boy'; for you shall go to all to whom I send you, and you shall speak whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you.”
1: Then the LORD put out his hand and touched my mouth.
2: "Now I have put my words in your mouth. See, today I appoint you over nations and over kingdoms, to pluck up and to pull down, to destroy and to overthrow, to build and to plant."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
Who knows, I might quote you in a future issue of RUMORS.All material is copyright © Ralph Milton.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ralph Milton’s E-zine for people of faith with a sense of humor
2010-01-24
January 24, 2010
A WILD AND WONDERFUL PROPHET
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Motto:
"A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Note: Usually Rumors relies on your letters to provide much of the content in Rumors. In this, and the next several issues, you’ll notice that most of the stuff comes from my barrel. That’s because Bev and I are soaking up a bit of sunshine and these issues have been written in advance. Hope you don’t mind too much.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Story – passionate and powerful
Rumors – a fire in the belly
Soft Edges –
Bloopers – three every hour
Mirabile Dictu! – reincarnation
Bottom of the Barrel – white man
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Jeremiah 1:4-10
Stuff – (read this only if you would like to subscribe, unsubscribe or are wondering about permissions. That sort of boring stuff.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rib Tickler – At the Baptist Women’s Missionary gathering in the Maritimes, one of the leaders had brought an inflatable globe to show where the various countries of the world are located.
But when she was ready to use it, her “world” had sprung a leak, and the globe had shrunk. She used the problem to make a point. “It’s marvelous! When you get rid of a lot of the hot air, how small this world is.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Next Week’s Readings – These are the readings you may hear in church this coming Sunday, January 31st, which is the 4th Sunday after the Epiphany.
* Jeremiah 1:4-10
* Psalm 71:1-6
* 1 Corinthians 13:1-13
* Luke 4:21-30 (Note: We tacked this on to last week’s reading to make it a complete story.)
The Story (from the Revised Common Lectionary) – Jeremiah 1:4-10
Ralph says –
I’ve always liked Jeremiah. He was just slightly nuts which is what a prophet needs to be to have the chutzpah to carry it off. He also used audio visuals and objects lessons to good effect – throwing around jars, walking around naked – that sort of thing.
Jeremiah was passionate and powerful and that shows in his call. There’s no sense that God might have been looking for a prophet one day and Jeremiah happened to walk by. Jeremiah was chosen by a God who knew him intimately from the moment of conception – possibly close to a virgin birth story because the word “knew” here was almost always used to indicate sexual intimacy.
And Jeremiah’s just a kid. The commentators say about 14 or 15, and there is God telling him to go and prophecy to the nations. That must have been interesting – a beardless boy prophesying to rulers of nations.
I’ve always liked Jeremiah because he’s wild and crazy and not all that good at what he does. But he does it with such passion and flair you can’t help but believe that God is inside this man goading him on.
Psalm 71:1-6 – paraphrased by Jim Taylor
The psalm is entitled an old man's prayer, but it could equally well be a young child. Both are vulnerable and dependent on others. I chose to paraphrase from the child's viewpoint. Every one of us has been a child; only a few of us have been old – yet.
1 Don't let them make fun of me.
Let me hide myself behind your skirts.
2 Comfort me and protect me;
listen to my fears, and enfold me in your arms.
3 When I am in trouble, I run to you.
I have no one but you to rely on.
4 The bigger kids won't leave me alone;
their greedy hands keep grabbing at me.
Rescue me from their clutches.
5 From the time I was tiny, you have been my refuge.
I have always been able to trust you.
6 Before I was born, I felt safe in your womb.
As an infant, I rested on your breast.
You are all I have, and all I ever had.
From: Everyday Psalms
Wood Lake Publications.
For details, go to www.woodlakebooks.com
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 – This may be the best-known passage in the whole Bible. Certainly it’s the one that’s heard at weddings and funerals. But I wouldn’t read it to the congregation unless I was going to talk about it, because within its profound truth there is a lie. So much popular psychology and music and poetry and rhetoric talks about love. But by itself this love is sentimental mush. Love, as simply a felt emotion, is as sincere and as real as the drunk careening down the street proclaiming, “I love everybody.”
Love and justice are two sides of the same coin. Paul says as much in this poem, but it’s very easy to miss.
There’s a children’s version of Jeremiah’s call in “The Lectionary Story Bible, Year B,” page 55. It’s called, “Jeremiah Becomes a Prophet.” And there’s a children’s version of the famous 1 Corinthians 13 on page 57 titled, “Paul’s Song About Love.”
Click the main Wood Lake Publications website at www.woodlakebooks.com, or click on the following address which takes you directly to the “Lectionary Story Bible.”
http://tinyurl.com/2lonod
Or, if you live in Canada or the US, simply pick up the phone and dial 1 800 663 2775.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rumors – Jeremiah
"...a fire in my belly that had to get out!"
From “Is This Your Idea of a Good Time, God?” by Ralph Milton, Wood Lake Books, 1995.
Jeremiah Confronts God
Look, Lord. I know I shouldn't talk to you this way. But we've had a pretty good relationship, you and me.
Besides I can't help it. I think I've been had. I think you, yes you God, pulled a fast one on me.
I know you're busy taking care of the whole world, but try to remember, if it's not too much trouble.
I was just a kid, remember. Pink cheeks. No beard. And you grabbed me by the insides one day and told me to be a prophet.
Me. A prophet. I didn't even know what a prophet did. And I told you so, but oh, no. You wouldn't let me go. "I'll put the words right in your mouth," you told me. Do you remember that? I don't think you do.
I don't think you remember a bit of it because if those are your words, why doesn't anybody pay attention? Ha? Why do they all laugh at me, spit on me, call me names?
I use your words God. Your words, not mine. "Violence and destruction," I tell them, "violence and destruction unless you repent and do what God is asking of you."
I do everything I can think of to get their attention. I throw pots around, put a yoke around my neck. Once I even walked around naked. Stark naked, God. That got them talking but not about my prophecy. They just wanted to send me to the funny farm.
Even my own family. They think I've flipped. They think I'm a nut case. It's not so bad when they yell at me, it's when they try to be kind and patronizing. "Now, just try not to get too upset, Jeremiah. You just need a little rest, that's all." Damn!
So for awhile, I didn't say a thing. Nothing. Quiet as a mouse. My mother loved it. You know what I got out of it. A sore stomach. A big old-fashioned gut ache. A fire in my belly that just had to get out. I couldn't keep quiet about the things I saw, I just couldn't.
And you're sitting up there laughing at that, aren't you God. You knew I couldn't keep it in.
Damn! I wish I'd never been born. I wish my mother and father had never been born. I wish I'd died while my mother was still pregnant.
Damn!
So what do I do? You are God, and I'm just a poor underpaid prophet and I have no choice but to go with it. And it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't really believe those words you give me to say. I do, you know. You've taken over all right God. You've taken over my head, and yes, even my heart. The plain unvarnished truth is that I really love you God and really do want people to hear what you have to say.
But I'm still mad at you, God.
Really mad.
And I'm going to stay mad just as long as I can, because being a prophet is no piece of cake. It's no walk in the rose garden.
Do you hear that God? Are you listening?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Soft Edges – by Jim Taylor
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bloopers, Boggles, Typos and Stuff – from the file
* We are always happy to have you sue our facility.
* Hymn: I Need Three Every Hour.
* All children are requested to bring fresh followers to decorate the cross for Easter Sunday.
If you’ve spotted any good bloopers in your church bulletin or newsletter, or anywhere else for that matter, please send them to me. ralphmilton at shaw.ca (change the “at to the symbol and remove the spaces.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Wish I’d Said That! –
Joy is the feeling of grinning inside.
Dr. Melba Colgrove
When the church service is over, it is time for your service to begin.
source unknown
Religious differences are not nearly so disastrous as religious indifferences.
source unknown
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Mirabile Dictu! – (Latin for “reincarnation!”)
Signs you're the reincarnation of someone famous:
* During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbor’s pets.
* When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to her.
* Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, you think she's beautiful and has a lovely singing voice.
* While working under the sink, you get this insatiable urge to paint a church ceiling.
* Out of luck winos are bringing you jugs of water.
* You're found writing down rules of the office on giant stone tablets.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bottom of the Barrel – The Lone Ranger and Tonto are surrounded by Indians. LR says, "Tonto, there are Indians on the north of us, on the south of us, on the east of us and on the west of us. We are surrounded! What are we going to do?" Tonto gives the LR a long stare. "What do you mean 'we,' white man?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Scripture Story as Reader’s Theatre – Jeremiah 1:4-10
Reader 1: I really like the prophet Jeremiah. You know why?
Reader 2: No, why?
1: Because he was a little bit nuts. A little out of touch with reality. He smashed clay pots. Once he even walked around naked.
2: Some guys’ll do anything to get attention.
1: No, it wasn’t primarily to get attention. Jeremiah was making a point. The nation Israel was going to get smashed like that pot. It would be stripped of everything it had and would be naked.
2: The reading today is about Jeremiah’s call. God telling Jeremiah he was going to be a prophet.
1: And Jeremiah protests. “Hey, God, I’m just a kid. I don’t know how to preach.” But God tells Jeremiah he was picked out to be a prophet even before he was conceived in his mother’s womb.
2: I sort of imagine all this happening in a big temple, with smoke and fire and lots of pyrotechnics.
1: The passage doesn’t say anything like that. This could have been Jeremiah, all alone somewhere, having his conversation with God.
2: So let’s read it. This is from the book of Jeremiah.
SLIGHT PAUSE
1: Now the word of the LORD came. And this is what I was told.
2: "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you. I appointed you a prophet to the nations."
1: "But, Lord GOD! Really, I do not know how to speak, for I am only a boy."
2: "Do not say, 'I am only a boy'; for you shall go to all to whom I send you, and you shall speak whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you.”
1: Then the LORD put out his hand and touched my mouth.
2: "Now I have put my words in your mouth. See, today I appoint you over nations and over kingdoms, to pluck up and to pull down, to destroy and to overthrow, to build and to plant."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Information and Stuff – (Read this section only if you want to know about subscribing, unsubscribing or quoting stuff from Rumors.) It would be nice if you could give Rumors a plug in your bulletin or newsletter. Please invite your friends (and even your enemies) to subscribe. There's no charge: RUMORS is free and it comes to your e-mail box every Sunday morning. Just send your friends the instructions to subscribe [below], and include an invitation to join the list ... perhaps something like this: “There’s a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’.” Please add the instructions to subscribe [below]. If you have a friend you think would enjoy Rumors, and you’d rather not give them the subscribing instructions below, send me an e-mail at ralphmilton at shaw.ca. (change the “at” to the “at” sign – you know the “a” with the circle around it. I’m trying to slow down the spammers.) Then give me the e-mail address of your friend. If you are using something from Rumors in your sermon, give credit only as appropriate, without stopping the sermon dead in its tracks. I am delighted when Rumors is useful in the life and work of the church. As long as it is within your congregation or parish, you don’t need permission. You are welcome to use the stuff in church bulletins or newsletters. Please say where it came from, and please invite people to subscribe to RUMORS. An appropriate credit line would be; “From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor." ... and please be sure to include these instructions to subscribe to RUMORS: To Subscribe:* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail
To Unsubscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-unsubscribe@joinhands.com
* Don’t put anything else in that e-mail* If you are changing e-mail addresses, and your old address will no longer be in service, you do not need to unsubscribe. The sending computer will try a few times, and then give up..~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please Write – If you respond, react, think about, freak-out, or otherwise have things happen in your head as a result of reading the above, please send a note to: ralphmilton at shaw.ca.
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